Original subtitles

I'll open the pot, gentlemen.

- I'm in... - Stay...

I'll stay...

- How many cards? - Two...

- And you... ? - Three...

One...

One... and one here.

- 30.000 lire... - No... I'm out!

- I raise another 30... - I'm out!

- Let's have a look... - A pair of aces!

3 Jacks!

DOES THE LADY PLAY SCOPA WELL? [aka POKER IN BED]

- 20.000... - I'm out!

120.000...

Let's have a look!

3 aces!

Full house!

200.000

600.000

[Touch wood]

1.600.000

I'll raise...

2.400.000

Let's have a look...

4 Aces!

I got nothing... except a straight flush!

- You can't win 'em all! - I don't seem to win any...

- Here... - Thank you!

- 3.810.000... - It was just a stroke of luck, my boy!

- I'll say... - So long!

Tomorrow, my friend...

Thanks for a nice time... goodbye.

- Have you noticed, he always loses to me! - I'd wait on cashing that check, if I were you.

Why? It's always been good before. You're not trying to put a curse on it, are you?

No, of course. But that guy's been on a losing streak for a long, long time!

He had to take out a second mortage on his store. I got that straight from his junior partner...

Well, rumors don't frighten me, because I know he can get money when the chips are down!

Alright, come on Michele. Let's go...

Give me a double! How are you, Camillo?

- I don't believe it! I don't believe it! - That doesn't make the slightest difference...

When I heard how much you lost the other night - 2.600.000 - I couldn't believe my ears.

- Don't blame me! - Yeah? Then who's to blame?

- Well... I nominate you! - Oh, you do?

Sure... you're the person who gave me these!

- So... ? - You gave me these as a good luck charm.

That was all bullshit! You told me these charms were a player's best friend.

"Knock on wood - you'll make it good." I ought to punch your face in, you big liar.

You ought to be drawn and quartered! Those charms are worthless!

- I don't ever want to see them again! - These were my grandfather's charms.

- He always carried these when he won at cards! - Sure, for games like rummy or crazy eights.

My only interest is poker. Remember when we used to play a game called "scopa"?

Nobody plays that anymore. Poker is the only game today that requires intelligence.

- If you don't have that, then don't sit down at the table! - In your case, it's got nothing to do with intelligence!

Oh, a natural loser, am I? Don't tell that to my buddies over at the social club.

- My powers as a gambler are completely intact! - Is that also true about your other powers?

What's that?

- ... and it's that long! - That's nothing. The tail on our retriever was that long!

They're only talking about dogs. They don't know anything about me!

- Concerned about length, Michele? - You mind my own business!

Cut it out! Stop worrying. We have a great business, and we're making good money.

Aptly stated - we're making money. Only problem is, we can't pay the debts that are piling up!

- That poker game is going to be our downfall! - Don't worry ... I'll pay them. I'll pay them.

The store will save us, you'll see.

Get serious! You know what the people around town are calling us?

- It can't be that bad... - A couple of bums!

- A couple of what? - That's what they think of us!

- People are calling us bums? - Including me! Why me?

- And why me? - It's unfair!

You should be glad they call you a bum! It means free publicity...

- Let's forget about it. We'll talk about it another time. - Yeah... tomorrow's another day.

If anyone tries to cash that last check you wrote, we'll find ourselves peddling our asses out on the street.

Wait a minute. Would you mind repeating that?

If anyone tries to cash that check, we'll find ourselves where?

- Peddling our asses? - Bravo! You're a genius, my bald-headed friend!

Bravo, Peppino! A marvelous idea, peddling our asses!

Although I'll have to consult with someone who's had a lot of experience in that area, the whore Marisa.

Hey, Michele, where the hell have you been all this time? Sit down and tell me what you've been up to.

- Well, I've got the store, and I've... - I'm so glad you've come to...

Please, leave my leg alone! No more of that grabbing at my... my leg.

You used to tell me how much you liked it!

- The pain is just a little more than I can stand. - I can't figure you out!

You walk in here without even calling ahead to see if I'm busy with a client.

You just snap your fingers, and expect me to make time for you.

Will you shut up for a moment, Marisa! I'm here because I need your help.

- You see, I'm in a hell of a lot of trouble. - I will... only... will you swear you love me?

Darling! Why do you even ask? There's never been anyone but you!

Tell me... is Caminata supposed to come here today?

He comes every other Tuesday. Never on Monday!

That dirty motherfucker!

Oh, I love it! Come here and talk dirty to me again!

Slut! Whore! Prostitute!

- Filthy cunt... - I love it! I love it!

- Are you sure he won't walk in? - Calm down... he never comes without calling first.

- Are you sure he'll call? - Are you afraid of that fat old windbag, Michele?

Am I afraid? Don't be ridiculous! It's just that he has a check of mine, and I need it back.

Don't bother explaining it. I'll murder you if you've been playing cards again!

Go ahead and murder me, darling. That would almost wipe me out.

- You still haven't learned how to play? - If he cashes my check, I'll...

Don't worry about the money. I offer reasonable interest rates to my clients who are a little short.

- I offer long-term credit... - I'm glad to know that!

- Marisa! Get this hound off of me! - You said he never came on Monday...

- Here, hide under the bed! - I can't fit under here...

Yes you can. They all do. I'll get rid of him...

Little beast! Vicious bitch! That mutt ought to be locked up!

She's the best argument for vivisection that's ever been invented!

What's the matter with her? Why does she get so excited? It's a disgrace!

- Well, I warned you to be careful. - What good is that when there's a dragon in the entry?

She sank her fangs into my leg, and tore my pants! Look at them ... they were new, too.

What's the matter with you today, honey? Are you nervous about something?

You can tell me, honey!

I've asked you never to grab my thighs. You know I'm tender!

Now don't pout! You know I don't like it when you pout. Come on, Marisa, I don't have much time today!

Why don't you just get out! You're all upset about something, and then you come here anyway!

And then you tell me you're in a hurry! What do you think this is, the express check-out lane?

Marisa, don't give me a hard time today! I have the tax people on my back.

They're coming to the factory to check the books. Thank God for my friend in City Hall...

... or they would have walked in unannounced. So have a heart, Marisa - forget I ever hit you.

Of all your patrons, you should realize that I'm your ace in the hole.

What?

The time you set aside for me doesn't always work. And you've offered no alternative other than evenings.

You drive me crazy. Now come on, darling, because I have to leave soon.

Hey! Get lost! I'm not impressed by the fact that you have friends in City Hall!

If you're in such a hurry, why don't you go fuck the tax collector?

No, Marisa... let me underdress you. You're beautiful, Marisa. My beautiful Marisa...

Time is money for both of us!

There... You know I have to fit you in as best I can.

My darling, don't begrudge me the few minutes I have free during a busy week!

You know how I like it. Yes! Touch me there...

Oh... I love it! Yes! Touch me there! You know how to do it!

More! Yes! You're wonderful!

It's never been like this before!

What's that?

The telephone - it's for me. I told them to call me here.

Hello! Ah, Soreno, yes! It's Zacharia, my friend at City Hall.

In case anything came up, I told him where he could reach me.

I'm here... those tax people made the appointment, just like you said.

No way! I'm ready for them now. I take it you want your check?

Speak up...

Who's check? The one that guy from Naples gave me last night at the poker game.

Sure it's good! He's too stupid to write a bum check.

No... I don't have it. I passed it on to that Nascimbeni woman to pay for some milk.

No, I'll write you out another check when we meet for poker. Goodbye...

Now, Marisa ... do me like you used to do!

Get those drums pounding in my brain! Boom, boom, boom...

- Oh, gently, gently! - I'll make it, unless your foot has changed size.

It's the same as you always wear. Can't you...

... put it further in?

Just a little more...

There it goes!

How does it feel? Comfortable?

A bit snug, Mister Michele.

The sacrifices you ladies make in the cause of beauty.

- They feel better already. I'll take them. - I think you'll be happy with them.

I'm also looking for something I can wear this summer. Something lightweight and sporty.

- Open toed... - Yes, open toed. Tonino!

- You calling me, sir? - You think is a good time to be stirring up dust?

My back was turned, like you told me to do when a lady is trying on a pair of...

Forget what I said. the point is, not to be dusting when I'm with a client.

- Now bring me those shoes I asked for. - Ah! I understand... I brought them over already.

- They're mountain-climbing boots. - Who needs mountain-climbing boots?

You ought to have your head examined. The lady has beautifully tiny feet ...

... so small they must have been bound when she was a child.

Like she was brought up by Chinese. Now get those 'Butterfly' sandals I asked for.

22-D.

It will be the perfect shoe for two lovely feet.

- Do you still have that house in Capri? - Yes...

- By the beach, I imagine? - Yes... it's nice and large.

- Beg pardon... here you are, Mr. Michele! - Perfect! This style is called 'Butterfly.'

Quite elegant... Tonino, don't you have something to do?

- What's the matter with you? Get to work! - Oh, yeah... turn the back...

That's right, go stir up some dust.

And is your husband the same as ever?

- Oh please! Don't speak about him! - I understand...

If every woman had such beautiful legs, how lucky they'd be.

These fit you like a glove!

They may feel a little tight right now, but you'll be surprised how much they'll loosen up.

Like fine silk stockings, they flatter your beautiful legs!

The surprising fullness here, the lovely curve of the calf, tapering here to the climax of the 'Butterfly.'

I would probably wear shorts, or nothing less than a miniskirt, if I were you.

Legs like these deserve all the exposure they can get. Don't you agree?

Oh, your stocking is crooked! That spoils the effect.

Just a quick twist, and everything will be straight. Permit me...

A twist... and straight!

Straightening a stocking isn't something I do for everyone, but your legs...

- Michele! - What are you shouting about?

Can't you see I'm busy with the lady? Why are you interrupting?

What is it? Some new shoes come in?

- Excuse me, ma'am, my partner is calling. - Hurry back, because I'd like to try some more...

When I get back, we'll try everything.

- Well, what is it? - We're already in trouble, and you're fondling her thighs?

It's because of the trouble we're in that I've been fondling her thighs.

She's rich! You recognize her? Her husband is Fontonio Alorio.

What do you want? What are you doing here?

- I don't know. - Look at the cash register...

- ... there's no one watching the cash register! - Why not put something in it to watch.

Then put some money in it. Go, go! There's nothing in the cash register?

- Are you telling me? - This is getting to be a crisis!

- You know that check has disappeared? - And you think you'll find it on her thighs?

Someone may overhear you. We're going to be in real trouble the minute that check is deposited!

Now you tell me what I'm supposed to do if I can't play around with a lady...

- There's Giulia Nascimbeni... - I don't want to hear anyone mention her name!

I won't have anything to do with that portrait-painting vampire!

That's what she was to me, a vampire! I almost had to go to the hospital for a blood transfusion!

I nearly died! I don't even want to think about her!

- Then don't turn around. - What did you say?

- Don't turn around! - Why not?

- She's right there! - She'd never dare...

Ah, Miss Giulia! How nice of you to drop in.

- To what do we owe this pleasant surprise? - Oh, it's pleasant, is it?

Pleasant, thank you. Pleasant...

I stopped by because your partner, Peppino, called to let me know about the arrival of your new spring line.

Then I have Peppino to thank for this visit.

I'm looking for something I can wear at night. Something in satin...

- I'll be glad to show you... - Unfortunately, I'm in a bit of a hurry right now.

Perhaps you could bring the shoes around a little later? Say, 10:00 at my house?

- This evening? - Or tomorrow night...

If I'm satisfied, Michele, I'll pay you with a check. That's acceptable, isn't it?

Yes, yes... I need to feel all of it!

Thrust it! Push!

- Feels good, doesn't it? - Yes...

- After we're done, you'll give me the... - Yes, Michele, now do my balls, darling...

Yes, Michele! My darling!

- Is that some kind of hint? - It's no hint, I pricked myself!

- Look, I'm bleeding! - Oh, you bad, bad garters!

- A little kiss will help... - I've had kisses in my day, only...

- Be healed! - I'm healed! I'm healed!

- I said she'd suck my blood! - Open up your heart to love ...

... and I will open mine.

Oh, my little Michele... Things will be just the way they were.

- What about your clothes, Michele? - What about my clothes?

- Why aren't you naked? - Yes! Naked! I was just about to do that.

- And there's Schubert, too... - Where is he?

"The Unfinished Symphony" Oh, that immortal music playing ...

- I find Schubert so moving... - If he'd gotten up earlier, he could have finished it!

- Hurry, while I can still feel the inspiration! - I'm hurrying. I'm hurrying!

- And afterwards, you give me that... - Of course, Michele... anything you want!

But no more talk. We must seize this fleeting moment before it escapes...

- ... and thoughts of death. - Can't you talk about something more cheerful?

- I heard footsteps. Who's that, your sister? - No, Monica's gone to see Toby...

- She'll be gone all night. - So, your sister's finally found a man!

- None too soon, for a woman of her age. - No, Toby is a bull, silly...

He's lost interest in romance. He needs someone to awaken his attraction to the opposite sex.

Yes... I'd say she's just right for a bull!

Michele, cast aside your seven veils! You're my Salome, revealing all to Herod and his court!

The radiance of your manhood... I shall bind you with the chains of romance!

- And what can break those chains? - The laxative you ordered, ma'am...

Laxative?

- Greetings, Giuditta! - Greetings to you, scumbag!

I can't believe she's invited this loser back!

- Put the tray down, and leave us, Giuditta! - She always has a kind word for her fellow man.

- I'll fire you yet! - You've been saying that for years. Just fire her!

She's nothing to us. Are you prepared to be immortalized?

- Yes. - Then follow me...

I'm almost ready...

Hey! That's absolutely marvelous! A wonderful portrait, Giuila!

- Even though it's unfinished... - What do you mean, unfinished?

Ah... you mean it's missing one small detail?

- Not so small, darling. - I'll agree with that...

But haven't you been working on it for a year? Why isn't it finished?

Because I can't work from memory. Without the model my inspiration fades.

- You need the real flesh and blood, eh? - Go on... get up there and pose!

Whatever you say...

- Halt! Stop right there! - Like this?

Cut it out! You're exaggerating...

- How modest you are! - What do you want to paint? My arm, or my...?

Please! Stop hiding behind your hands, and let me examine the details.

You've seen it enough. You ought to know it by heart.

- Come on, drop your hands... - Not so close...

- Oh! Somebody's become a bit shy. - It's been some time since I...

- Stop that! - If you'll drop your hands, perhaps I can find it!

- Will you stop doing that! - Then stop acting so modest...

You see, I've made you drop your hands!

Oh my! I couldn't be mistaken. I'd recognize that anywhere!

It's getting late. I need to get to the store.

What about my check?

Oh God! How can you eat? I can't even move!

Well, before I go Giuila, how about my check?

I know you just like to hear me beg.

I haven't got it...

- What did you say? - I haven't got your check.

She doesn't have it!

This is disgraceful! You told me you had it. Just to make me...

- You're nothing but a dirty slut! - A dirty slut?

I suppose your behavior has been exemplary over the past few years?

- What's happened to my check, Giuila? - I'll tell you, but you mustn't lose your temper!

- Where is it? - I wanted to give it back to you, but Monica...

... well, you know how she is!

So Monica has it?

Since you've been so accomodating, I decided to give you 100.000.

- Where is it? - Under the Chinese tray...

100.000... All this for 100.000. Taking money just like a gigolo...

Where is it? Oh... here we go.

A 100.000 bribe to keep me from getting my check back! This money is dirty!

I won't accept it! You can keep your money!

- I'm sorry, my darling... - And I had to endure Giuditta's insults!

I'm through. My life is over. It's finished. All my hopes dashed...

That's the last straw! My God! That does it. I can't believe it!

I'm afraid there's only one thing left to do.

- Wait, Michele! Come back! - What do you want?

- You're mad to commit suicide just for me! - You're the crazy one, my dear. Not me!

You're disgusting, put some clothes on...

Is someone there? I said, is someone there?

No... it's just me, Michele.

Michele Cammagliulo. At your service...

You must be out of your mind! What do mean by smoking in here!

Everyone knows that cows are allergic to smoke!

But I didn't know! Oh... you mean dairy animals? My apologies for upsetting them.

Now listen, miss, I know you have something with my name on it.

- I assume you're talking about your check. - Good guess...

Save your breath. I have no intention of giving it to you. You already know my answer!

No! But why? I intend to pay you cash. A small amount every week.

With interest at the bank rate. On my honor...

Help me, miss. You're the only hope I have left!

I'll promise you one thing. Or rather, I'll swear it!

Just give me that check, and I'll never bother that fat cow of a sister...

I mean, I'll never bother your sister again!

Ha! Why don't you try a new story for a change? I'm guessing you can't cover that check!

And when you can't cover it, you're going to find yourself at the end of your rope.

And if you have any sense left, you'll hang yourself with it.

Now get out of here while I give this bull a booster shot! He's suddenly become impotent.

- Has he? - An example you should follow...

I'm sorry, but about the check...

The check? It'll be deposited tomorrow morning. And when it bounces you'll have to cough up or go to jail.

There's no better place for people like you! Filthy parasite!

- You're being unfair. - Oh yeah?

Many people may think your cynicism is real, but not me.

You're a warm and loving woman!

I know what you're really like. A willing and passionate person.

- Come on... - That's enough! I'm on to you!

So please don't feed me that crap! This place is already full of bull shit!

I'm not impressed by it, mister! Now you get out of here!

You make me sick, just like the rest of your sex! I'd rather keep company with my cows any day!

You're barking up the wrong tree, dear! Don't try to treat me the way you do my sister!

You may have her under your thumb, but don't try flirting with me, or you'll find out!

- But I was just trying to... - Have you forgotten your manners?

Putting your big, filthy hands on an unprotected woman?

Why, you ought to be in jail! Take your hands off me, or I'll...

- So you do love me, Monica! - Sex maniac... leave me alone!

- Come back! - Get out of here!

You dirty pervert! Get out!

- I love you, Monica! This is bigger than both of us! - The hell it is! Leave me alone... get out!

- I want my coat back! - No, Monica!

- Let go! - I want you, Monica...

- I worship you! - It's mine!

You're mine! All mine, Monica!

- Let me go! - No... you're mine now!

We'll dance together, my love...

I don't feel like dancing!

- What's gotten into you? - Just a glimpse of your skin...

Put me down, you bully! You better leave me alone, you hear?

Take your filthy hands off my ass!

Watch out for the pail!

Look out! I'm... I'm falling!

Stop that! Get your filthy paws off me!

No! Stop! Get out of here, you dirty, no good...

No! Not my shirt!

Oh, Michele! Michele...

It's totally beyond me, how you changed your mind so suddenly.

About Michele! Last week you couldn't stand him, and this week you have him working for you.

What about it? I judged him too quickly, that's all.

I'll admit, I underrated him completely. He has talent, so why should I refuse to hire him for his past mistakes?

And what about you? Asking me to delay depositing Michele's check because it was no good.

So he came to the barn to make an installment payment ...

- ... the same as he pays you? - Me?

Oh, by the way, Caminata ...

Plus many other cordial returns.

This evening you're in for a change. Tonight I'm going to win!

Sorry, but you'll probably be paying off on every hand.

Practicing? Of course I'm practicing. You have money to burn, but I need to practice.

You've been lucky so far, but tonight you've had it!

Let's see what you have here, Caminata.

A pair of aces. You can bet your ass you won't get far with a hand like that!

Now, Belleviste, let's see what your hand looks like.

Nothing ... very poor. Don't worry, it's just the way of the world.

Let's see now, Rienzi... I'll just look at your hand if you don't mind.

We're friends, aren't we? How about that! You have a straight, you old fool!

I'll put the evil eye on that one... I'll bet my hand is perfect!

Well, how about that! I've got a full house here, guys...

It happens to me every now and then.

You saw me deal every card. I wasn't cheating, was I?

You cut the cards, Rienzi - everything's okay!

Now, you'll open with a pair of aces. And you're out...

You double the pot. I'll triple it...

You raise?

Caminata, with what you're holding you must be out of your mind!

Fine with me. We're happy to take your money!

Bet all you want to bet! Three cards to Caminata...

Now Caminata's in a fix with...

Four aces!!

Jesus! I get the feeling that this game is too much for me...

Why don't I just give up?

I even lose money playing against myself!

What a jerk!

Now, let me see. In July, milk prices...

- I thought I heard someone. Good morning Giuditta. - You think it's good, do you?

You think anyone can sleep in this house, with you going up the stairs and down the stairs all night ...

- ... just to keep those two degenerates happy? - Hey, wait a minute!

You're the maid, remember? No one asked you to keep an eye on me.

- I work here the same as you. - Except my work is done during the day...

Never say things like that, Giuditta. You should always appear to know nothing about it.

You must appear to be totally ignorant of the matter. We want no scandals for the ladies.

Well of course it's perfect! Nothing could be better for him.

As long as we keep Michele in the dark ... like taking communion with the Pope.

We can keep it quiet from the others.

They're too wrapped up in their own affairs! And Michele isn't the sort to notice anything.

He's too full of himself to suspect us...

You're right. How many times have you and I said this is the perfect situation?

As for tonight, you may have Michele before me. I have a book to finish.

Why should I take your turn, Giulia? I don't mind. Some leftovers taste better reheated!

Monica, I'm shocked!

Oh no you're not! You haven't been shocked since you caught papa behind the old woodpile!

So, Monica, where will you be screwing Michele? In the chicken coop again?

It suits me. It's more natural there, among the chickens!

You know what really turns me one? The smell!

What does this smell like? It smells of bulls, heifers, and the barnyard!

- It will cost you a fortune to have me wash these! -Yes, your prices are outrageous for a couple of shirts!

- Considering that I'm part of the family now... - Oh, are you now?

- You're just around here to keep everyone happy. - Please don't start on me, Giuditta...

You ought to have someone here to help you. I have an idea. Come here...

- When have you ever had an idea? - Let's play a game of cards for payment on the shirts ...

- ... and I'll wager double or nothing! - Oh no! You're not going to cheat me again!

There goes my income...

Michele!

Michele! What are you doing? Playing cards?

No! Certainly not. I'm working!

- You'd rather be playing cards, right? - No... I'm working on these accounts!

Don't! It's just one more thing for the tax collector to poke his nose into!

- But, why... ?? - Just do as I say!

I want you to go down to the station and pick up that load of phosphate!

- You want me to go? - Yes, please - and take my car!

- Thanks a lot! - And another thing...

... the ventilator on the chicken coop is full of feathers.

I have a hectic day ahead of me, darling, but I thought we might go take a look at it tonight.

- Look, tonight is out of the question... - Be there at 11:00 on the dot!

- Yes, ma'am! - And don't forget to call the manure man!

- My pleasure... - Michele! Sweetheart...

- There's something of yours on the floor, lover... - Something of mine on the floor?

Use your eyes! It's right in front of you! That's it!

Oh, this isn't mine! It probably belongs to Giuditta.

- I'll see you later! - Sure, what's left of me...

Bitch!

Who would ever have believed that a stud like Michele would end up as her handy man?

Yeah... it's all your fault! Someday I'll take the scissors to you!

Add it up. Tonight I lost 900.000 lire, thanks to that rigged deck belonging to Caminata.

I lost 700 the other evening. That's 1.600.000...

How will I get my hands on that amount? I can't ask for any more money...

Giulia's given me two years worth of advances!

Her sister expects me to do double duty for every single lire!

It's the living end! This life is killing me...

This is for the birds! Sleeping just a couple hours a night. Look what a mess you've become!

Shadows under your eyes. When you sit down to play cards, Michele, ...

... you're playing with a lot more than just cards! You're also using your personality!

And you're blessed with good looks...

Are you stupid? Caminata is beating the pants off of you!

There has to be a reason.

God... this is giving me a headache!

A voice in my brain repeats continually: "A jerk! You're a jerk! That's what you are."

No... that was a real sound. Coming from the bathroom...

A vision to behold. Incredible! Unforeseen!

Sitting there so completely vulnerable, her senses alive, yet so slender and fragile!

In the flush... and fragrance of youth.

- But who is she? - She speaks, and her voice is warmed ...

... with awakening desires, and full of innuendo.

Why in hell does the shower not work?

- No, no, no... - Yes, yes, someone broke the handle.

"Why in hell does the shower not work?" is impossible!

- It's completely fake! - You're expecting a lot, don't you think?

What is this woman? Is she a nymphomaniac?

- What do you think? - I don't ...

The characters in this book don't exist! This is a real girl, one that is named Eva!

- And what's this one named? - You think the moment a woman sees a man ...

... she goes like this? No!

Or like this? No!

Or like this? No!

Or like this? No!

Excuse me, Alberto, but you have no idea how a woman thinks!

I'm straining all my faculties...

... trying as hard as I can to bring out the best in this wife of mine ...

... and all I get is "Why in hell does the shower not work?" !!

Incredible! That's the end of me, isn't it?

- Yes, incredible... - It's not the end! You're mad!

You want my honest opionion, darling? Your work isn't as good as Goethe's!

Are you kidding? Goethe couldn't write his own name!

How dare you touch me! What do you take me for?

I don't believe it...

You think this is just a children's book? Hell no, Auntie!

This book is adult... different! It's an outspoken, satirical view of sexual taboos.

Taking up where my first book left off, if you'll recall.

I read it! It's filth! A man in love with a goldfish ...

... a mackerel that leaves the other fish because he prefers the circus fat lady.

- A satire on society, Giuila... - Society found in the big city, but not around here.

We keep our underpants on in the provinces! Morality still means something to us!

That's feminine psychology for you, Michele!

I offer a rational argument for feminism, and my aunts give me nothing but a lot of ...

- Fancy foot work. - Exactly! There's no such thing as ...

... the provinces anymore! Let me read where this point is beautifully illustrated. ...

... in the first chapter of my latest book, which was very well received at Biarritz, ...

My glasses... ?

Listen, Aunt Monica, there are dreadful scandals going on under your provincial noses, but they're kept quiet.

- What scandals? - If there are, it's because of all you writers...

- ... spreading your filth all over the country! - Including my pants.

- Oh, your pants are ruined! - What has he done to himself?

- The best way to remove a gravy stain is... - No, I'll get it! You're don't know...

Please! Watch it there!

- What's going on? - Michele has soiled his pants...

- That's not true! - There! But not by you...

Can I please finish my dinner? Stop it! Get away!

- Please continue... - My point is, in the 20th century, ...

- ... everyone is immoral to some degree. - You're being self-righteous!

A man can always take a lover without it being cause for scandal.

It's a natural, healthy thing. But a man who writes about perversity is probably neurotic.

- Possibly he's sick, or completely impotent! - Of course...

And a man who thinks he's desirable to all women is worse than stupid - he's an idiot!

Eva believes in being completely honest!

I've heard enough from you! You're nothing but a bourgeois reactionary!

- Look who's talking! - A writer who knows the ways of the world!

Yeah... the underworld!

Always gets her two cents in...

- Thank you. - I'm paid to do this, lady...

- What's on that plate, dear? - It's a macro-biotic lunch.

It's much better than the miserable stuff you're eating!

Sesame seeds, soy beans, chickpeas, lentils, and rice in mussel juice.

Good, eh?

Alberto has never sold a single copy of his books, and he pays a professional binder ...

- ... and printer to have them published! - Your pulling my leg.

- No! I'm not joking! - Your hand!

- What about my hand? - Your hand! It's hurting my leg

- You're just too sensitive! - Too sensitive...

Will you stop making mush out of that macro- biotic stuff, and eat some real meat and potatoes?

It's not every day you can enjoy a meal like this!

- Try my meat and potatoes? - No!

- I don't want any part of your meat, thank you! - Why not?

- Your meat's inedible! - Oh yeah? Ask her...

Try some... ?

No thanks! I'd probably start to sprout some sunflower seeds .

Imagine... feeling all that vegetation growing inside you.

- How about you, Aunt Giuila? - I think I'll be sick.

Try it, it's good! I think you'll like the chickpeas...

- No, my child! But Michele will like it... - Ah... Michele. So you like this?

- Do you prefer the front or the rear? - Front or rear - just shove it in my mouth!

- How is it? - Good, good...

Bravo, Michele! You have very good taste! Bravo!

Leave Michele alone! He's not a macro-maniac, like you!

- Come back! I was just beginning to... - Don't let her impose upon you ...

... because I'm about to impose upon you instead!

I'd like you to read the book I've just finished.

Yes! Do that! You'll make Alberto happy, and he won't have to waste good money getting the stupid thing printed.

It's his money! Let him throw it away if he wants to.

Don't let her upset you. And her odd diet is harmless.

It's good for...

I know it's good for my head and juices!

- Ah... it isn't "succo lo" [juice], it's "su collo" [neck]. - Ah, my head and neck! Right?

I say, this foreigner doesn't know our language! She could be speaking Balinese!

Mmmm... look at these yummies...

Here, Eva. Have a cream puff! Something to satisfy your sweet tooth!

You Germans are brought up on fattening pastries, right?

I'm sorry, but I don't care for cream puffs.

Hey, Alberto! I see you like cream puffs!

- How about the long ones? - No!

- Excuse me... - What, do you have to leave, Giuila?

- I'm late... - Where are you going?

St. Stephen's parish house. The pastor is having young men and women in for a prayer session.

- Along with a few old balls... - You old goat!

Here's the whiskey!

Oh! It's after 3:00. There's a television show I need to watch.

I don't want to miss the only program dedicated to agriculture!

- The muses summon! - You're leaving too?

- Yeah, I have to work on my book. - Leaving me here alone with ...

- Would you mind keeping an eye on Eva? - Well, if you like...

- And you keep an eye on Michele, darling... - As long as the lady doesn't have anything else...

- I'm busy this afternoon. - She says, go ahead, she's okay.

- I heard you're a lady killer. - Am I ?

- What about it? - Have you killed many ladies?

- What? - You murder them!

It doesn't mean that at all! It simply means a man who impresses the ladies.

- Who told you that? - Alberto...

- Your husband? - He picks up on the gossip...

- That's all it is. I don't... - Let's have some fun!

- Right now? - Yes... right now!

I don't know. What do you call fun? What do you usually do after lunch? Go to bed with your...

- No! Nothing doing! - I'm sorry! I wasn't suggesting anything...

Would you like to play a game for small stakes?

- A game for small stakes? - Yes... if you have any cards with you.

Cards? Of course! Would you like to play canasta, whist, crazy eights, bridge?

No! I want a card game I heard of in Naples where they played for a pot.

- Ah... briscola? - No! - Crazy eights? - No!

- Was it "scopa" [fuck] ? - Yes! It was scopa!

- Are you sure? - Sure! Why not?

Lovely lady, I would love to play scopa...

Yes? Then go play with yourself, lady killer!

Come on, it's 7:00, you liar! You promised you'd be here at 6:00.

- I was up late... - You're falling down on your duties!

- So why are you so late? - Because your guest kept me up after midnight!

It would have been bad manners to trot off to bed.

You could still get up early. Isn't that Alberto amazing?

- Yeah, amazingly repulsive! - And Eva?

- Can you imagine what his life must be like? - Do you like Eva?

- Dull and boring... - I'm asking you about Eva, his wife.

Oh, that girl? That disgusting food she made me...

- ... you said was delicious! - You recall I said it with my best poker face...

Come on, big boy! It's late ... get your pants off!

Speaking of late... she's the reason I wasn't in bed last night.

I mean, she's the reason I was up so late. At midnight, she got the cards out to play with me!

- She vanted to play ze cards mitt you? - You can't expect these Germans to know...

Oh, no! Watch out for the chickens!

They're very expensive birds! The poor chicks... they'll be crushed!

- Ah... right in the... - Forget the pain! I'll kiss it and make it better!

I'll be all right, Monica... I've got more crap on me than you'd ever want to kiss!

The firey stars are wondering when my love... Michele! You've really touched my heart!

Foreswear thy family and renounce thy name and be no more Romeo...

- Remember Romeo's balcony scene? - I don't care about Romeo, this isn't my scene!

I came through the window to avoid being seen.

What are you doing?

- Chicken manure does wash off, dear. - I haven't been doing anything with the chickens.

This smell came from the plaster walls of the house. Every day this place gets more crowded!

Having your sister here is one thing, but now Alberto, and that wife of his!

Alberto? Oh, he's nothing! Forget him! Come on, I hear the musicians calling.

Great... are they here too?

And when he looked... he looked with his eyes.

When he had looked, he looked again!

And when he looked, he looked as a man looks for the first time on a naked woman!

And as he looked, lost with delight, he cried ...

... you're mine. Mine. Yes, all mine! But she was impassive ...

... impenetrable, imperious, unimpressed by his impetupous imprecations!

He slowly slid her silk stockings down the slender stems of her sensuous legs!

He strained his face, insensible to the surging, seathing sensation she stirred in his susceptible soul.

The anguish of his agony ached anxiously in amorous ambivalence.

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

The fact that fever fought to fan the flaming fury of his foolish heart.

Away! Be gone! Enough, he shouted!

Go fuck yourself, you little pervert!

Now I've got to work on the B's. Did you like it?

I've had enough of the writing! When do I get some of the real thing?

Not now! I have to write while I'm inspired!

- I know that kind of pressure! - Where's the dictionary?

- Good night... - Good night... - It's just a game, eh?

They obviously pity me, after I've lost the shirt off my back.

So, Cammagliulo, how did I end up?

I count 2.400.000 ... is that right?

2.400.00 lire. Michele Cammagliulo... Put this with the rest of my autographs.

Here... Are you going to deposit this in the bank?

- Of course I'm going to deposit it! - Would you do me a favor?

- Let me see... on Sunday, I have the picture. - What picture?

Nothing... just something on my mind. Monday with the chickens, Tuesday with the diva...

With who? I hope you're not trying to cry poor with me.

I'm afraid I am short on funds right now. But you have my word this will be good on Wednesday.

All right, but don't let this happen again! I don't how they do it in Naples, but around here ...

... you pay what you owe immediately, otherwise the limit is never more than 24 hours!

Just in time!

- Take the tray! - Very thoughtful of you, Giuditta...

- But I prefer it in the kitchen. - Don't think I fixed that for you!

- No? This isn't my breakfast? - I'm going into town to mail some letters.

The German girl called for a tray, so take it to her!

Sure... but do you take me for some kind of hired man?

I try to do my share around here, but this is quite an imposition!

Having to carry trays around! How come Alberto's wife gets treated special?

- Any reason? - It so happens that she tips better!

Just what I thought...

Look at this. Talk about a diet! Biscuits, tomato juice, a pot of tea... Coming right up!

Just keep on typing...

Come in!

- Good morning... - You know this is good for clearing the mind?

- Why are you here? - It happens that Giuditta had to go out ...

... and rather than keeping you waiting, I thought I'd, uh...

Where do I put it?

Right here!

- There? - Ah... here.

- Move! - I'm moving...

- Are you sure you didn't want to bring it up? - What up? Uh... bring what up?

- You wanted to come to my room, no? - I'm not the kind of person who...

You realized that I'm alone here most of the time.

- Yes? - Yeah... I realize that...

- Get away! - Sugar? You didn't add any sugar to...

No! You're not going to put any poison in my system!

Yeah... with Alberto it's always the book. Aunt Giuila is always painting, so she has no time to talk.

And Monica is busy with her chickens!

Maybe you would like to keep me company?

- Are you... ? - Only if you want. I'm just asking...

- What do you mean? You know how much I want to! - Then let's do it!

- You mean you want to do it? - I do! And Alberto thinks it's a good idea!

- He agreed? - He said not to put it off a minute longer!

- I have his permission? - Here... take this away!

I'll get this out of the way!

Can you believe it? He gave his permission...

- Eva, darling! The very first day you... - Get away from me!

- You've don't understand! - What?

I just wanted someone to keep me company here!

What do you mean by keeping company? If all you want to do is talk, what do you need me for?

- You must think I'm some kind of moron! - If you don't want to stay, then leave!

- How much teasing can a man put up with? - Believe me, I never meant to tease you at all.

The effect is the same, whether you're teasing or not!

- Oh... no! - Then what?

- Why can't you be heroic, like Lohengrin? - Lohengrin... ?

- Is that better, Eva? I'm lower... - No! No!

- So how about if I start to grin? - Lohengrin was a person!

He was a dwarf...

In the legend, his boat is pulled by a swan, and Elsa comes out from her...

We don't have any swans, but I could hitch two or three chickens to...

- No! One swan...! - Fine...

- She comes slowly down to the lake, singing... - You lead, I don't know the tune.

And Lohengrin is there, stepping from his swan boat ...

- ... when he hears the sound of Elsa, far away! - She better hurry, or the boat'll leave without her!

- Suddenly, she throws her hands up... - Ah... to grab the...

- No... she falls... into the water. - It was slippery?

- He dives in... - And pulls her out again... ?

Not in time. I, too know that lake.

I went there to swim last summer... And I almost drowned!

I got a cramp right here! I cried, "Save me," like Elsa...

Suddenly, a man appeared, just like Lohengrin.

- He saved me... - It feels like a miracle to me. A miracle...

Remove your hand!

I'm massaging your cramp!

He stood there, as beautiful as Lohengrin in a scene from Wagner!

- You know him? - No, we never met...

- You can't imagine how splendid it was... - No, I really can't...

He was so noble as he reached out and took my hands... Michele!

- Hold my hands! - I'll be glad to...

He carried me out of the water, and we lay there...

... just the two of us on the beach.

He stripped me with his hands... gently, so gently.

We began to kiss one another...

And the wonderful way he looked so deeply into my eyes...

His kisses grew even hotter with the heat of my kisses...

Yes... I can still feel his breath...

I've lost my place!

Back on the beach...

How many times are you going to throw me on the floor?

I'm beginning to think you're on the make for me! I shall fight to the doom!

- You mean to the death, don't you? - Out! Get out of this room, lady killer!

And don't you come near me again!

Women... they say that, but they can't resist me.

Out!

That's just the beginning, darling!

Michele, you realize you're a very irresistible man, and Eva wants you!

What gets me is I just can't figure out how I manage to lose.

- Then why the hell do you keep playing? - I need to keep playing to figure it out!

And meanwhile we're losing the store...

- Think of the future, Michele! Think of the children! - I don't have any, so why should I think of them?

Then think of my children! I want to tear my hair out!

Somebody beat you to it. You're nearly bald!

- I'll tear your hair... - Leave my hair alone! Let it fall out by itself.

You move in with those two crazy women so you could earn a little something, and then lose it all at cards?

- Now I'm trying to win it back! - Word gets around fast in this town, eh?

- What word? - That you're stealing from the sisters!

I suppose I have you to thank for the gossip around town!

- No! What have I said? You know I defend you. - Sure you do!

No! I tell people that Michele's completely honest.

He couldn't commit a criminal act because he's too stupid!

- Stupid? You think that defense will help me? - Sure!

With friends like you, who needs enemies?

- Michele, face it! You're a born loser! - I heard you the first time...

Listen to me, why don't you just give your money to Caminata?

Stop bugging me, Peppino! I have worse problems than poker and Caminata...

- Like...? - I fallen head over heels!

- Who with? Giuila? Monica? - My God no!

- Peppino, I'm talking about little Eva! - The German dish?

- Yes, the German dish. - And she's married, isn't she?

That just makes it spicier. A husband in the bedroom adds to the complexity...

... and the fun! But do you realize how thin you're getting? These women are wearing you out!

No... it's my diet. I'm off meat. I've been eating watermelon seeds instead.

- Rabbit's milk, soybean oil... - Soybean oil?

Stop repeating! I eat plain lettuce, coconuts, wheat germ, barley, bran and sesame seeds.

- Sounds like what I feed my parakeet! - Are you criticizing my choice of food, Peppino?

I eat what she eats. I follow that girl in everything!

- That means macro-biotics, Peppino... - Huh... what?

- Micro- what? - Biotics!

- What's micro-biotics? - What's that got to do with... ?

- You said you eat micro-biotics. What is it? - No, my friend! It isn't micro-biotics!

It's macro-biotics... Meaning that your food is natural...

You have to be careful what you eat. It must be grown in horse manure...

It's all because of her, Peppino...

- So... are you going to screw her? - I told you she was married, Peppino!

- So? - Sure, I'll screw her...

Her whole being ached for him.

- Her body was on fire... - Alberto...

I want you, darling... I want you.

Alberto, I want you...

- In her full breasts... - Come here, darling...

Please... I want you so very much...

- Come back into bed, Alberto... - Let me finish this chapter!

Can't you read?

What kind of a man are you? A creampuff !!

Oh, Michele... yes!

Oh, yes... he's a real man!

Hey! Hey!

Michele!

It's me, darling! You're very own true love!

You're Dracula's daughter! Why did you have to wake me up?

- Breakfast is ready. - Oh... thanks!

Thanks, my ass! It's not your breakfast, you lazy good-for-nothing! It's for her highness!

Hey! I'm not the waiter around here!

So what! I have to go to Mass this morning. If you want to take it up, go ahead.

Otherwise, let her keep on ringing!

Well, I'm not taking it...

- May I... ? - Is that you, Guiditta?

If that's you, I'm in the bath!

It's not Giuditta... it's Michele!

I brought you your breakfast. Where shall I put it?

- Ah! Can you fix the shower? - The shower? Am I a plumber now?

Hurry! I'm standing here completely naked!

Naked? I'll bet you're freezing!

It's the work of the gods'... they've broken it!

You mean to tell me you're completely naked?

Of course that's what I meant. If you don't mind, please close your eyes!

Okay, they're closed. What do you want me to do?

The shower doesn't work. Just drip, drip...

- Will you help me? Take a look... - Fine, I'll come and have a look...

... with my eyes closed. That's the gentlemanly thing to do.

This must be ... My, what big faucets you have!

Try again!

- Any water? - No water...

Let me try the shower head...

If I could just turn it...

- Poor little Michele. Did you hurt your back? - No...

- No, really... it just tickles. - How do you feel now, better?

Feel? I feel much better...

Here you go... get up!

Actually, I can't stand the pain!

I need to hold on! Ah... here it is.

There, I've got it. Now try it. Turn it on...

Nothing... give it another turn!

- Turn it harder... - It's all the way!

I'll twist the shower head while you turn the faucet...

- How about it now? Anything? - Nothing...

Maybe if I twist it around like this ...

Don't stand behind me. Move around in front of me.

I'll try again. If I keep trying, something should come of all of this.

Wait... my left hand won't do it. The right one is much stronger than the left.

- I do appreciate your help... - But you did the work.

Oh... it was nothing. I'll call a plumber tomorrow.

- No! - How about that?

It's working now! I knew it would work!

That's pretty wet water. Maybe you'd like to...

- Oh... my hero! - Wait, I've already had a bath...

- Wait, while I... - No! Don't!

- This is wonderful! - But I'm soaked to the skin...

My pants are sticking to me...

It's you! Don't try a make up an excuse! It's clear to me... I know everything.

- How did you find out? - I could see it in your face!

- You didn't like it very much... - No...

- This may be contagious... It's obvious...

You find it's ridiculous that my characters make love under water!

Oh! You're talking about those slobs in your story? The book you're always working on?

The two of them make out under water. It's simply ridiculous!

A prostitute might manage the necessary positions, but...

Oh, Michele! Michele! Were those hours you spent reading my book wasted?

- I just read the juicy parts... - No, no... who else will support my cause?

Use your imagination! Give in to the fantasies I've created!

Work on your sensual awareness!

Life in the provinces can dull the senses...

... although that's not what I've heard about you.

What's that? Ahhh... it's nothing but rumors! Don't listen to that...

Women like this exist! I've had experience! I've seen it with my own eyes!

I still say it's ridiculous!

- Take Eva, for example... - Should I take Eva?

As an example. Eva has a difficult psychological problem...

- Does she? - My Eva ...

... unless she's under water, she can't make love! Otherwise... nothing!

That can't be so!

Adelmo! What are you watering?

What are you trying to grow? Zucchini?

No! I'm growing sausages!

You're everything I'd hoped for!

Oh, Michele, you're wonderful!

- Michele! - I'm right here!

We need to make a decision, Eva! I can't keep on like this...

- I want you all to myself. - Are you talking about Alberto?

Naturally... part of what I'm talking about has to do with Alberto.

His book is nearly finished, and he'll have no more reason to stay.

- We won't be able to see each other. - Why can't we still see each in Milan?

Yeah... I can just see us in some hotel room.

- I don't want to share you with anyone else! - That's nice of you to say... very romantic.

I was so mistaken about you. Every day you seem more and more like my Lohengrin.

He too thought being with me was like Heaven.

Under Niagara Falls...

What are your plans? Would we run away, and try to find someplace new to live?

No... we'd find a way to manage.

But we don't have any money! And I don't know how to live without it.

- My Alberto pays for all the things I need... - But I love you, Eva!

Between us, we ought to find a solution. Let's stop here for a moment, and talk about it...

Did you bring me here just to talk?

Of course! What better place? I picked it because there are no showers, no streams...

... no hoses, no faucets. Where ever there is water, you know what happens!

We never get to talk! I figured I'd have to try out here...

- Ohhh... Michele, it's beautiful! - I don't believe it!

- It's pouring, Michele! Pouring! - Let's make a run for it! This is my last dry pair of pants...

Come on, Eva! There must be someplace dry around here!

How about... how about that hut? Come on!

No, no... please, Michele!

- This is fabulous... ! - Why are you taking off your hat?

If you don't want it, give it to me!

No, Michele! Stay with me! Don't go inside!

- What? Are you kidding? - Come and get wet, Michele!

- Get in here! - It's marvelous!

You don't need to be baptized, get in here! The roof leaks like a sieve. You'll love it!

- Lohengrin! - No... Eva!

Have you gone completely mad? Please be sensible! I'm all wet...

I'm soaked to the skin!

Stop it now, Eva! What made me fall in love with a hydro-maniac?

Now stop it, Eva! I'm completely soaked!

She's playing my song! "Irresistible" !!

Michele! Open your eyes, Michele!

Say something... wake up!

What's the matter with you, Michele? Say something...

- Oh... no! No! Eva, no! No, I beg you! - Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

- Leave me alone... - Oh, yes... yes!

- "A record rainfall hits... " - He's glad it's raining...

These weather men make me sick!

" ... never before seen such a downpour. There's no end in sight."

"Steady rain across all of Italy..."

- I need to buy a bathing suit. - "A low pressure area from the Alps..."

- " ... will bring further precipitation..." - No... wait 'til we're in the tub!

" River levees have been reinforced in low-lying areas..."

"Of course, this rain is a Godsend ..."

It sounds to me like another flood is going to hit us.

I can finally finish your portrait while it does, Michelle.

I need Michele to take a look at the pig pen. Don't you think the roof leaks?

Best thing in the world for those plants. Lots of water makes all sorts of things pop up!

It's not my night! I'm out...

Three queens! Although I've found that two are usually enough!

Isn't that right, Cammagliulo? Can you beat that, or not? I call...

Cammagliulo! What are thinking about?

Hey! Are you all right?

My God! We'd better get him to a doctor! The poor guy's passed out...

- Open a window, for God's sake! - That's such a shame...

... passing out while holding a full house!

Just look at yourself. That skeleton is you, buddy!

- I'd look like that without skin? - You bet! I'd recognize those bones anywhere.

- How can you be sure they're mine? - Bones but no brains!

- Yes... it doesn't... - Doesn't what?

Look very good! Swollen arteries. Strained cardiac muscle.

This causes the heart to work harder, and when that happens, it's dangerous!

- I've been telling him that! - Stay out of this! Let the doctor do it...

- I'm in danger of what, doctor? - A heart attack!

- I've been telling him, doctor... - Now you're happy?

- What kind of friendship is that? - I wouldn't be. But all my predictions come true...

Well then, I'm happy that you're so happy! You think I might really have a...

No! I'm here to see that you avoid it. Start getting more rest!

- Like how much? - A lot more...

- He'll like that! - You're making me nervous, wiseguy!

You're physically sound, in terms of your muscular condition.

Sex has a lot to do with that! But I might suggest that you're pushing it a little too hard.

Moderation and small doses never hurt anyone. And if what you say is true...

Would I lie about a friend's sex life?

- You mean you told the doctor about... - I'm not that stupid!

- I just mentioned a few of the women... - Oh, is that all? Well, thanks!

The facts are obvious. When given a few hints, anyone could guess.

- The doctor's no fool... - Listen to me, Mr. Cammagliulo.

- I'm right here... - I want you to obey my orders - to the letter!

- Whatever you say... - Unless you want to ruin your health...

... you'll report to me every two weeks. My nurse will write out the diet you're to follow.

Oh, nurse... What's the meaning of this, ladies?

It's really him!

Will you prepare a chart, please! And the rest of you, keep away from this door!

This place is like the Grand Hotel!

Now I'm going to issue just one order: sex once a week, and no more!

Only once? How am I going to do that, with all these girls after me?

Do you want me to disappoint the whole lot?

Two at the most, or you'll be a very miserable man!

- Do you have it straightened out yet? - How am I going to straighten this out, Peppino?

Using the calculator, I've worked out every possible schedule ...

... and even if I increase the number of times per week, it still comes out to Monica three times ...

... every week. That's in even-numbered months. Likewise for Giuila, on odd-numbered months.

- That means there's no time left for Eva and me. - Why do you bother with Eva? Why bother?

Dump her and all the rest. Go on! All of them!

Women, girls... you're better off without any of them!

So where's the money supposed to come from, Peppino?

You mind telling me that? The store's a failure. There's nothing in the till!

Don't say that! The store can make money, and I can prove it!

What you need to do is give one thing up!

- I don't know any more women ... - No! Poker! I'm talking about poker!

Please, please! Don't nag me about poker! Don't blame poker. It's not poker...

There's just no money. It's that simple!

- I'm thinking of the kids, especially. - I didn't think you had any!

I'm talking about your kids! Use your head! They go through money like it was water.

I see... so you're saying they should starve!

If you had some energy, you could work harder. But you're always too tired!

If you had just one girl, you might be able to stay awake!

Instead, you have three. There needs to be two more of you!

- Wait! Would you say that again? - Don't you ever listen?

- Repeat that... you said two more of me? - Yeah, that's right. Two more of you...

Two more of me to take care of the others! That's almost impossible, but let's think of it as a challenge.

- A challenge? - You've given me an idea!

- I'm going to have myself... - It's that bad?

- ... have myself a ball ! - That's good...

So when you have three, will that be three times better than before?

All I meant is that I'm going to have a lot of fun!

I used the word "ball" in that sense... nothing more!

Oh, sure! That kind of "ball"...

What I'm going to do is get a substitute. Somebody I'll pay, naturally.

- The sort of man who... - A prostitute!

Oh, that kind of vulgarity isn't worthy of you, Peppino. I prefer to think of it as a sexual collaborator.

A man who's paid for certain special sexual services, knowing that he's acting on my behalf.

- I'd only have to use him on certain occasions. - But there's three women...

Are you kidding? Eva's mine alone! That goes without saying!

As for the other two...

- I'll have to find someone who... - Can I be of help...

- No, that's okay. You might as well go home. - Yes, sir...

- Somebody who... who can... - Somebody handsome!

Looks don't really matter. But not a boy like Tonino, whose face is a mess. I want somebody more ...

- ... elegant! - Yes, elegant.

- Refined! - Not to mention...

- Presentable! - And he must also be well endowed!

If his equipment isn't what it should be... I'll have to check that out! That's obvious.

- Tell me... what's your size? - 12D... what about it?

12D! Boy are your wits sharp! What I meant was...

You have seven kids? It must be kind of big to...

- Ah! - Well, what do you say?

- I say none of your business! - Come on, tell me!

- Believe me, I'm not interested... - With seven kids?

- Sure, but it's been a while since we had one. - You've kicked the habit?

- Completely... - It's out of the question?

- Sorry... - Totally out of the question?

- Entirely... - What a shame that is.

- I'm sorry to turn down a good opportunity. - You're unable to take part in the competition?

I don't think I'm right for it. And I'm really not interested...

Who wouldn't be, after seven kids?

I'd do anything for you! That's what friendship means.

You know what I mean? Since your health is at risk, well, um...

... finding a piece of merchandise with equipment as large as yours is going to be very hard!

In a manner of speaking. What do have in the book?

Will you just give me a chance to look? Sit down, and relax! Now, let's take a look...

- There must be someone in there! - It's possible, but ...

... they're small potatoes, compared to you! Very small indeed...

- Looks like half the population... - Frankie...

- How's he built? - He's small... a difficult client.

Not him! And his strange tastes...

Oh! Milani! Do you know Milani? He'd be fabulous for us. He has a fine sized tool. But...

- But what? - The poor fool decided to go the other way...

- Did he move away? - No, he was operated on by a wonderful surgeon!

- He had an accident? - No! He just wanted to dress like a woman!

- Now, what do you call a man like that? - A drag queen?

- That's right! A drag queen! - Better forget about him...

- Now, who else is here in the book? - Come on... try again!

Wait a minute! This one looks pretty good...

- Good afternoon... - I'm Primo Guendalini... antique sculptures.

- I'm Michele Cammagliulo. - I recognized you right away...

- White suit, necktie, striped shirt... - Marisa told you about me?

Yes, she did. She's a very old friend! Are you a client?

- Well, I regard Marisa more as a friend... - And in many other ways!

That girl really knows her business! And she isn't the type to take money she hasn't come by honestly!

Well, that's all very good. Did Marisa... did she mention what I wanted?

Yes, she mentioned it. You're interested in my peter!

Listen, did Marisa tell you that I'm looking for some very unique merchandise?

Without appearing immodest, those who want the highest quality merchandise come to Guendalini!

My unique merchandise is know up and down the coast, all the way to Naples and points east!

Is that so? Then I can rest easy!

- You can rest easy! - There's only one thing I'm somewhat afraid of.

It's the matter of size...

13 and a half inches!

- Will that about do it? - Sure, uh...

- I can get larger, if that's too small! - Are you kidding?

I wouldn't know how to manage one as big as all that!

There's one thing that wasn't clearly explained. Are you the one who wants the, uh... object?

The object? No, I'm not interested.

It's only because it want to give something special to two young ladies.

Something they'd otherwise have to do without.

- I'm sorry to hear that. - Why's that?

Because I'd rather give it to you!

- To me? - I think you'd appreciate it!

- Appreciate it? - I'll bet you're a man with lots of experience...

... behind you! You're a connoisseur! A man who knows where something like this should go!

- I do? - It'd be a shame to give it to someone else!

If your ladies are only beginners...

I'd hate to trust an object like mine in the hands of rank amateurs, if you know what I mean!

No, I wouldn't worry about that. The ladies in question are anything but beginners!

- So, I have no reason to worry. - None whatever! Now, about the price ...

- ... don't forget, it's worth money. - Stop!

I do have my pride! Anyone who buys a work of this sort shouldn't expect to get a bargain!

- Certain things are priceless! - Things like...

Like my peter. But don't talk about the price until you've had a look at it!

- Really? - If you like, you can have a look right now!

Certainly! Such a powerful object must be seen to be appreciated!

- What are you suggesting? - What else? I'll take it out right here!

What are you thinking of! There are people around... watching us.

What would they think, Mr. Guendalini? Please, consider the people...

- What difference does that make? - Well, to me it makes...

- If you're Puritanical we can go inside! - Please! There's no reason to go inside...

- Another nut case. Everything happens to me! - Don't you want to see it?

I told you already - I'm not interested! Please! The police will have you in the...

- There he is! My St. Peter! - Your St. Peter...

I've also done Moses... Napoleon...

But most of my clients are interested in my large Peter.

- What do you think of it? - I can't say what I'm thinking...

Can't you postpone all that, for God's sake? I need a little peace and quiet tonight.

Do it in the morning. Good night. Go home now...

- But the... - You heard what I said.

Tonight I want a little peace and quiet! I need to concentrate.

What a situation to be in! I need to find a solution to it ...

... because if I don't, that means there's no solution!

You'll figure out, Mr. Michele, because you're so smart!

It's not a question of intelligence. I have to find the right man. If I don't...

Ah, you're right, Mr. Michele. I told Mr. Peppino we need another man...

- I'm looking for a man to... - This is simply too much for one person!

- I get awfully tired picking up... - My God, how dumb can you get?

- ... this summer for the ... - When they passed out brains, you missed the parade!

- No one told me about a parade! - What are you doing with those shoes?

- I'm putting them back in the storeroom. - Are those summer shoes?

- That shows how stupid you are! - How stupid am I?

When it's warm in summer, we sell summer shoes.

- I see, that makes sense. - Now, will you get out of here?

Will you look at that boy? He's thin as a toothpick and always working.

He's a poor example of the kids these days.

I have to get my hands on a real stud! The right man would be glad to...

- Excuse me, Mr. Michele! - What's the matter?

- I'm right here if you want to talk... - Could I get by?

- You want to use the restroom? - I just need to take a leak...

- Help yourself. - Thank you, sir!

All I see ahead is misery. How am I going to find anyone with the equipment I need?

The doctor says I'm heading straight for the hospital...

Which reminds me, I'd better take one of these pills.

Excuse me, Tonino. Would you get me a glass of water, please?

Tonino, would you get me a glass of ...

Do you mind putting that hammer down for a minute, and getting me some wa...

That wasn't a hammer...

Eureka!

Giuditta works too hard for a woman her age. She's worn out!

She gets more run down every day, and more insulting!

Didn't I say, if you get someone to help her, you'd see a difference?

The hell you will! Why couldn't you get me someone with a grain of sense!

Always complaining! Doesn't Tonino have any sense at all?

That boy's a fool! He's a moron! He used a shoehorn to put the stuffing in the turkey!

Oh, that's only a carry-over from his professional training!

The most important thing is this - no one could be more honest!

He's presentable, he's hard working, he's friendly...

- Presentable, is he? - Yes he is! He may not be a beauty, but...

... he's an interesting type, in his own way.

Let's get an artist's perspective from Giulia. Do you think Tonino is an interesting subject?

He could be sort of a wild creature!

I don't know. A very different sort of wild creature, perhaps.

- What do you mean? He's got... - He's not exactly sexy, is he, Michele!

Isn't he? I thought you were a better judge than that. He's had more conquests than...

- What are you saying? - Oh, nothing... skip it!

- Well, I'd like to hear a little gossip, Michele! - No, I really can't...

But we all agree he's no great beauty, right? Yet that young man has been the lover of more women...

- How is that possible? - Apparently, he's got...

- He's got... ? - I don't know how to put it...

It's not easy in mixed company, but... Excuse me. I've heard he has great vigor...

- What's the reason? - Well, apparently ...

It seems that he has something extraordinary...

- No! - Yes! The largest in town...

Well, the boy's talents are well concealed, wouldn't you say?

It would be wonderful to get his face on canvas. I would paint him as a satyr in a far-away land...

Here's our wild woodland creature now! Don't panic! Come on in! We're all human...

- You'll get used to our ways, Tonino! - Get in here...

If you look at him, you can see he's a fine figure of a certain type ...

... in his own way. All he needs is a haircut, and he'll be, uh...

I don't know. He looks like a stupid animal to me!

Quickly! Serve the food... !

I'd be glad to... only my hands are full!

Ah, how are you, Tonino? How's it going? I hope you're happy here. That's the important thing.

- Are you finding the work easy? - Is that some kind of a joke, Mr. Michele?

- This work is too hard for me! - It is?

Wash, carry, scrub, paint, scrape, hammer, screw...

That's the idea! You're saying they give you too much work here?

- That old lady works me like a mule! - Then say something!

- I do! And she hits me! - How dumb can you get?

Don't complain to the old lady! You have to complain to your employer.

- You understand? - I don't have much confidence in that...

What are you afraid of? You're a big boy now, Tonino!

Besides, you've got your rights! If employers won't listen to their employees, they make a symbolic protest.

- You've heard of streaking? - No...

You must have read about guys and girls who've protested by running naked...

Ah! Yes! In America... as protesters.

That's right! And I warn you as a friend you won't get anywhere unless you let it all hang out!

- Take my clothes off? - It's the only way to protest!

- I don't believe it! - What is it?

Tonino... completely nude!

Nude? You must have imagined it!

- Quite an imagination! - I must be losing my mind...

- Well? How did it go? - I did just what you said...

- You have? - Yes, Mr. Michele...

Are you sure they got a good look at your... body?

- I don't know. I ran fast! - They may not have seen you...

- Maybe not... - You call that streaking?

You need to slow down a bit. Stopping is even better!

- Do it with some bravado, Tonino! - I'm too embarrassed to run around naked...

Why? You've got nothing to be ashamed of!

You have sex appeal! There's no other word for it.

- Really? What makes you say so? - You're loaded with it!

It's coming out of your hair! Out of your eyes! Out of your nose. It's coming out of everywhere...

You have the kind of mouth women just want to kiss!

Push your mouth out! Squeeze your lips...

You'll drive them out of their minds!

- Stop! That tickles... - Let's look at those hands.

Women are very sensitive! They'll respond to your slightest caress!

The women will go mad! Come on, give it a try!

- Like this? - Sure! Now go... protest!

Go on, Tonino! Show the world! Run...

Rape! Rape!

Thank God! My prayers have been answered...

- Monica? Yoo hoo... - Who is it?

It's your little Michele, darling...

I waited at the chicken coop for more than an hour, my darling, but you never showed up!

I'm sorry. You know I spent too much time out in the sun...

... so I need to stay inside until this bad sunburn clears up.

Oh... you'd better stay in bed! The Almanac predicts a month of strong sunshine!

- It does? - Yes... you'd best just stay in bed! Very good!

- Well, good night, dear... - Good night!

- Good night! - ... night!

You're certainly well endowed...

Let me have a turn at his majesty...

Please don't push, ladies...

No, this doesn't sound like rape!

Tonino is the king of love...

What's Giuila doing in there? Both sisters are in there!

They have a threesome going! It's like the fable... killing two birds with one stone!

- I wouldn't have believed it! - Amazing! Just incredible!

The fact is, it's never happened to me in my life!

I never thought it would happen. I don't know what to say. I almost feel like it shouldn't have happened.

- But it did! - Excuse me. Don't forget ...

... the pot we started with should be added to that.

- Right. 20 pots, with a total of 6 million. - Excuse me... 7 million!

That's right. 7 million. Of course...

I want it to be right, without appearing greedy...

- Today's the... - The 24th.

- 24... all day. - Yes, the 24th...

- Pay to Mr. Michele... ? - Cammagliulo.

Cammagliulo... I dare say you'll never forget it.

- There you are! - I hope that next time you're...

- Ah... it's all in the game! - I'm happy to hear you feel...

I don't mind the money. After all, what's 7 million to me?

- There's something I don't... - What's that?

- There's something wrong with the... - There can't be!

I made it out for 7 million. What's wrong?

- You're not feeling chilly, or something? - No! I'm sweating. What do you mean?

The funny thing is, you wrote December, and it should have been July. Would you mind writing another check?

- Michele! May I call you Michele? - Of course, it's my name...

If I don't date that check for December, I'll be utterly ruined!

No... I'm the one who'll be ruined if you date the check for December.

But you're young! You'll bounce back. I'm an old man who's too fat to bounce anywhere!

Maybe a couple of months? I'm willing to wait until September. Why not?

But to go beyond that... A man in my condition!

I simply can't, Michele! My business is facing a crisis!

Stocks and bonds are fluctuating too fast to keep track of!

The Arabs have us in a corner! Look, I'll tell you what I'll do!

- Let's say I just rip this up! - So you can write me a new one...

No... the best plan is a six-month promissory note!

- Mr. Caminata, I'm not... - Will you stop with this "Mister"?

- My name is Gervasio! - Your name is Gervasio?

- Yes! - And that's what I'm supposed to call you?

- I'd be obliged if you would, Michele! - Gervasio...

- Yes, Michele? - Fuck you! You can take your note and shove it!

It's the kind of luck I've always had. He wouldn't pay what he owed me, the rich bastard!

So, in effect, you didn't win!

You must know that without that money, I couldn't possibly go away with you!

- You need that money to leave here! - Yes, but it just means waiting a while longer.

He gave me a promissory note for four months. Four months isn't so bad!

- But we can't live for four months on credit! - We'll manage, I promise.

You'll have all the money you need. You just let me work it out. My word of honor!

Whenever Michele Cammagliulo says he'll do something, you can bet on it!

- I just had a marvelous idea! - You have? That's wonderful!

Hey now! That's not what I had in mind!

Why don't we just relax, if that's possible!

A little peace and quiet... And give my needle a rest!

Don't you know by now? You must have the strength to do better than that!

I'm sorry...

This tastes awful! Has someone bathed in it?

- Let me ask you a couple of questions. - I'm ready! Is it some kind of quiz?

Yes, you might call it a quiz. Now pay attention and concentrate.

Open your ears and keep your mouth shut! You ready?

Suppose I say to you, Tonino, tonight you won't be seeing Miss Monica or Miss Giuila?

- Instead, you'll stay put in your room. - I'd say, I'm sorry, but I must see them!

- Why is that? - Because those two ladies, they...

- ... pay me to see them! - Marvelous! You see, you're not so stupid.

- Thanks, Mr. Michele! - You appear to be, but you're not!

And it's true, you take care of the sisters because they pay you.

But tonight, you're not going to take care of them!

- But my pay... ? - You won't lose a bit of the money, Tonino.

I'm going to pay you out of my own pocket.

- Three hundred! - What??

- 300.000! - You're telling me that they pay you...

- You know about my penus... - You're very funny, Tonino. Very funny...

- I don't know... could we make it... ? - No, that's too much, Tonino!

- That's too much. Just forget it! - But you don't know what I was going to say!

It doesn't matter, Tonino. No deal! 2.000?

- No! - 20.000?

200.000...

200.000?

What a nerve you've got, Tonino! What I'll do is give you 50.000 because I'm in a hurry.

And you're a friend. You won't get a better offer from anyone.

Tonight you'll stay away, and tomorrow you can say you had an upset stomach.

- And you'll pay? - Sure... I'll pay!

- I hear you, but... - Yes?

- There's just one more thing! - Yes... what?

It's this room! I don't know... it's depressing!

- It's depressing? - Yup...

You used to sleep in the back room at the store, on top of the shoe boxes.

- I'm trying to forget about that. - Things are looking up now?

You're treating yourself well! New suspenders... I'll speak with the ladies and see what we can do!

- Is there any other room you have in mind? - Oh, I don't know. How about...

- ... your room. - My room?

Yeah... that'll be fine.

That boy has no shame...

- Well then, knock again! - I did, and got the same reply.

Tonino says he's staying in bed tonight because he doesn't feel well.

The pig! Are you feeling unwell yourself?

- How about if I try? - Are you crazy?

It would wake up the entire house... or you could get Michele.

- Isn't Michelle playing cards tonight? - He didn't go...

No, my loves...

No cards tonight! I'd like to try a new game...

- Ah, Michele! What's the matter, dear? - Save the hypocrisy, Monica!

I know what you've been up to, behind my back!

- Like a couple of whoring rabbits! - Oh! Must you be so vulgar, darling?

How dare you impugn my behavior!

Cut the charade! I've known for a long time that you two work together!

- I'm not listening to any more of this... - Did you think I was that stupid?

Like I said, tonight it's a new game. Get ready!

- And what is this new game, if I might ask? - The first person who cries enough is out ...

- ... and pays a penalty: 5 million lire! - You're just blowing smoke!

- Where will you get 5 million if we win? - Easy...

I'll use my severance pay. You know, all that money the Ministry withheld...

You're on, Michele, but you'd better be careful!

You may lose everything by crying uncle first!

- Really? You think I'm going to lose? - Yes, you may well lose, Michele...

You've never been to bed with Monica and me, together!

I'm not afraid of you two!

I hope you realize, Michele, that this isn't a challenge. It's suicide...

Go ahead, attack! My defenses are up!

- I'll give you one chance to back out... - No! What I said, stands!

You'll never make it, Michele! Surrender!

- I am a god among studs! - Michele... !

Come in, doctor! It's an emergency!

In there! Come on...

This way, doctor. Hurry!

Will you hurry?

This way, doctor...

It looks like a heart attack!

Please... help the ladies. I'll survive ...

... but they may be dead! I hope you've come in time!

- The women... the poor women... - What have you done?

- I just lost control... - Murderer!

The check... Eva!

Eva!! It's 5 million... !

Is this how...

Eva... I didn't give it to you.

How could you? With Tonino? Tonino?

- Why did you do this to me, Eva? - Michele? Michele?

- Why did you do this to me... - Michele! It's me!

Peppino!? Eva? Where's Eva?

Eva's not here. She went to the station.

- The station? You mean she's gone? - Yeah...

- What message did she leave for me? - There isn't any...

- There must be! - But there isn't...

There must be an envelope with a letter - a message!

There's nothing? Just a second! When I fell, I was holding... look in the pocket of my robe!

- This one over here? - I want to see if there's a piece of paper...

When I fainted, I was holding it in my hand. A piece of paper...

Look in the other side...

Did you look in that side? The other side?

There's another pocket! Look once more!

- Try the inside... - There is no inside pcoket...

- That's all! That finishes it... - That finishes it...

- It's empty, then? - It's empty! Look!

She took it! That bitch!

- Hey, where are you going? - After Eva!

- Are you crazy, Michele? She's run away! - What do you mean?

- She ran away from her worthless husband! - Alberto?

- Yeah! She's leaving on the next train. - She's waiting for me at the station!

Wait, Michele! You need to know...

- Excuse me! Did you see a tall guy in pajamas? - Yes, just a few minutes ago...

- Which way did he go? - Which way would you go, dressed like that?

The sleeping car, naturally...

Eva!

You mustn't leave me, Eva!

How can you treat me like this?

- Who's he, a friend of yours? - Are you kidding?

So, what do you want? What more is there to say?

There's just one thing to say. You've got to give me the check. I'm desperate!

- It's mine now! - How can it be yours?

Don't be like that, Eva! You know it's my check!

- The one you took from me in the bathroom... - Ah... so that's all you really care about!

That's all this is about. You're a fool!

But that money is mine, Eva! It's money I worked for!

- And I didn't? - No... don't say that!

- I've got to have that money! Please... - You'll just have to try and win in back.

- That's what I'd do... - No! This isn't like you!

After all we planned, you're nothing but a thief!

Say something, you dirty crook!

You German bitch!

Eva... denari seno te! [Your breasts are your fortune!]

That was so romantic. What did it mean?

- A wasp doesn't purr. - What?

Good luck, you whore!

You dirty...

Michele! Michele, say something! Talk to me, Michele!

No more...

Who could have predicted it? He was so young...

But he picked the best way to die!

Thank you, but he leaves an awful gap in our lives.

He leaves me feeling empty... empty!

You missed a beautiful service!

Honestly! How we all mourned!

Poor Tonino...

I'll always remember him. You have to admire his courage, but he was in over his head!

Well, let's go home an eat. It's getting late!

Hey! What's your game?