Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

- [Voiceover] You know, I always thought I was a loser

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

when it came to women.

But this time,

this time was going to be different.

(laughing)

- [Voiceover] I will become a Republican.

- [Voiceover] I bet you, a date on craigslist.

- [Voiceover] Bro, I'll whip out my dick

at a Disney concert.

- [Voiceover] I bet you cream for your herpes.

- Just because you got a cushy job,

don't think you can start pulling ass like me, alright?

Gotta have game.

- I'll tell you what,

I'm so confident that I will put my car

on the table, that says that I get a hotter girl than you.

Hold on, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Damn it.

Let's go back.

I was 13 hanging out at Sydney's house

with my best friend Dean.

My first kiss wasn't exactly what I expected.

- Hey Dean, truth or dare?

- Dare.

- I dare you to kiss Max.

- Alright.

- [Max] Like I said...

(slap) (scream)

It wasn't what I expected

and it wasn't what Dean expected either.

In college,

in college there was Libby.

Libby was a friend with benefits.

* I'm so crooked I could break you on a semi-straight eye *

- Hey Max, I thought I'd try something new tonight.

(whipping)

* That's my mentality

- [Max] It wasn't a good thing.

The relationship that is.

And then there was Julie.

I thought she was the one.

(dial tone)

- [Voiceover] Hello, greeting, may I help you?

- Oh sorry, wrong buzzer number.

- [Voiceover] No problem.

(dial tone)

- [Voiceover] Greetings.

- Is this Julie's apartment?

(woman talking unclearly in background)

- [Voiceover] I'm sorry cupcake.

- [Voiceover] Who is this?

- Julie?!

- [Voiceover] Max is that you?

- Yeah.

- [Voiceover] What are you doing here?

- I came back a day early to surprise you.

Surprise.

- [Voiceover] Max you should've called first.

- [Voiceover] Come back to bed muffin.

- [Voiceover] Scott get off, cut it out.

(dial tone)

- [Voiceover] Hi it's Julie, I'm not here --

- Oh that's real mature not answering.

Julie!

Julie!

Would you just come down for one minute, we can talk.

Julie! Julie just come down for one minute please!

- [Voiceover] Shut the fuck up man!

- Hey man cut me some slack, come on!

- [Voiceover] Shut the fuck up, it's Sunday morning.

I'm gonna put a boot in your ass.

- Julie! Julie, just one minute please!

Julie. - [Julie] Max.

Didn't you get my Twitter?

- Um, no.

- Max I broke up with you.

Listen, you're gonna have to take the dog.

The new guy is allergic so...

Bye baby.

- Are you kidding me?

I guess when you add it all up,

I still haven't figure out women.

(upbeat music)

("No Way Out" by Hong Kong Six)

- Good morning Allison.

- Looking sharp.

- Thank you.

- So today's the big day huh?

- Actually I'm here to ask you out.

- Ohh, where are the flowers?

This girl, needs flowers.

- Next time, I promise.

- [Allison] Mhmm.

- Hey what's this?

- Oh that's the flyer from my art show.

It's next Saturday night, you should come.

- Cool I will.

- Here, this one is on the house for good luck.

- Thank you, I need all the help I can get.

Looking forward to your show.

- Hi, what can I get for you?

(phone rings)

- Ambitious Marketing, hold please.

Ambitious Marketing, hold please.

Mr. Koster is expecting you in his office,

he'll see you in five minutes.

- Thank you.

(phone ringing)

- Ambitious Marketing, this is Mila how may I help you?

- [Mr.Koster] Max.

- Oh Mr.Koster, I was just about to come see you.

- You know you have many chances in life.

Love, happiness, all the good things.

But you have only one chance at this job.

We're all replaceable.

- That makes sense and thank you for your trust Mr.Koster.

I'll work 24/7.

- Let me give you some advice.

- [Max] Ok I'm all ears.

- All work and no play makes life very boring.

Know what I mean kid?

- I think so.

- [Mr.Koster] Good.

- Mr. Koster? - [Mr.Koster] Yeah.

- The board is ready for you now.

- [Mr.Koser] Good, I'm ready for them.

(phone ringing)

- Max Burns.

- [Mila] Max I have Chicago on line one.

- Yeah I'll take the call.

- So Max,

now that you're gonna be a suit,

you still wanna hang out with me?

- And you are?

- Dean, I'm your friend.

- Of course I'll hang out with you.

Hey I wanted to ask you,

what do you think of the barista

in the coffee kiosk downstairs?

She's hot right?

- That dude's a girl, really?

It's all about Mila, the receptionist.

Office hottie of the year, Dean's list.

- [Max] I don't have a chance with her.

- Bro, I don't have a chance with her, I'm a mail boy.

You're an executive now.

Hey by the way, congratulations.

- Thank you.

I gotta go set up my new office

but I'm gonna put in a good word for you.

- Thanks, oh and those complaint forms, just toss 'em out.

(phone ringing)

Max Burns.

- [Voiceover] Hi sweetheart.

- Hey, hey mom, how you doing?

- [Voiceover] How are you?

- I'm good, good you?

- [Voiceover] How's your day?

- Just working.

- [Voiceover] I miss you.

- Yeah I miss you too.

- [Voiceover] Seeing anyone new yet?

- Nobody since Julie.

- [Voiceover] Well don't you think it's about time?

- This is Mila, how may I help you?

One moment please. - [Max] Yeah you're right.

Hey mom I gotta go, I'll talk to you later.

I love you, bye. - [Voiceover] I love you too.

Come to dinner.

(phone ringing)

- Congratulations Max.

(intense music)

- Are those real?

- Why don't you find out?

- [Max] Motorboat.

(phone ringing)

I love my job.

(phone ringing)

- Ambitious Marketing please hold.

(laughs)

- Nice office.

Did you ask Mila out?

- Thanks and no.

- Forget her, hey let's go out tonight

and celebrate your new promotion.

- Can't, I have work to do and then there's an office

function afterwards that I have to show my face at.

- [Dean] After that?

- Yeah we can go after that.

- I'm thinking a couple of local places

that are packed with women.

- Na, bar girls don't like me.

- Max, dating is like, lotto.

Alright you can't win if you don't play.

So play and know that you're probably gonna lose,

most of the time, everybody can't be a winner,

but when you do win,

you won.

But ah, lose the suit.

- You're wearing yellow.

- It's banana.

- Max, come and meet the family.

This is my daughter Claire.

- Claire, Max Burns.

- Hi Max.

- Max is an executive at the company.

- Honey, don't we need to go

or we'll miss our dinner reservation?

- If you say so we do.

See you tomorrow Max.

- Yes sir.

(laughing)

- [Dean] Oh no we're not together.

- What are we doing here anyway?

- That.

- [Max] Hi ladies. - [Dean] Hi.

A, girls like to shop.

B, we like girls.

C,

we like, we like girls.

- Good point.

- MB, here's your chance, spit some chem.

- [Max] In the '70s and '80s it was Africa.

In the '90s black, what is it now?

Please let me explore that world (groans).

- [Dean] Oh, oh she's coming to talk to you.

- Um, hello.

- Hello. - [Max] Hey.

(laughing)

- Bro, hello ain't gonna get you laid.

Hello.

- Dude whatever, she wasn't even interested.

- You have to make her interested.

You have to say things that interest her.

"Hey, my name is Max, what's yours?"

You come out with confidence.

Girls like two things, men with status and with game,

and that's it.

- You don't have any status.

- I know but they don't know that.

- Ok and when's the last time that you dated a hot girl?

- You don't call Monica fine?

God she was hot!

- Yeah compared to what?

- Compared to what? Compared to your sick

attraction to average looking girls.

- Ok you and I have different taste.

You know what's hot for you is not necessarily

what's hot for me, I just, that's it.

- Yeah we do.

You like average looking girls,

I like hot beautiful sexy little things.

You know dude, like the ones that wanna tickle your balls.

- You're sick.

- Yeah, I'm just a guy dude.

Let's go to the CD store, there's always chicks there.

- [Woman] Hi may I help you?

- Hi, we're just looking.

- Well what were you just looking for?

- I don't know when I see it I'll know.

- You'll know if you want it just by appearance?

- [Max] Yeah.

- We have headphones, just bring up any CD

and I'll hook you up.

- Ok thanks.

- No problem.

- I'm just looking too. - [Woman] Oh.

- You're real pretty.

- Thanks, my boyfriend thinks so too.

- Yeah, everybody has a boyfriend right?

- Mine's right over there.

- He's a lucky man.

- Thanks, I think so too.

Hi honey.

- Hi shmoopy.

(giggles)

- I listen to that CD in my car.

- This is a DVD.

(car engine revving)

- [Max] What?

(car engine revving loudly)

I can't hear you, stop revving your engine.

(engine revving loudly)

- You're beautiful.

- Thank you.

Do you work here?

- No but maybe I can help I know the alphabet.

- My friend Julia over there is looking for the latest

(mumbles) Slava CD, but they're sold out.

- You know my friend knows the band.

- You're kidding?

Whoa, ok.

(car engine revving)

- [Max] Where you going?

- Bro, where'd you go?

- I went after this girl.

- Who?

- This girl, she's incredible, she just pulled outta here.

- Incredible huh?

What if I told you I had two hot chicks coming home

with us right now?

- I'd find that hard to believe.

- Well here they come.

- What are their names?

- I forgot.

- Well which one is mine. - [Dean] Who cares?

Oh and your place is now mine.

Ladies, this is Max, introduce yourselves.

- I'm Annette and this is Julia.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Hey thanks for burning that CD.

- Yeah, no problem.

- Yeah Dean told me that your friends with the band.

That's cool.

- Yeah.

Meeting.

This is not gonna work out.

- Bro, she smokes.

She pokes.

- Hey, do you like Bawls?

- What?

Oh yeah I like blue Bawls.

(moans and screams)

- Oh it sounds like Dean and Annette really like each other.

- [Annette] Oh my --

- Yeah Annette's not very picky.

- [Annette] Harder!

- Neither is Dean.

(laughing)

(Annette moaning)

- Hey do you have a phone?

- Oh yeah, no, I'll give you my number.

I'm not that kind of guy.

- Oh no, actually, I just need to return a call.

My battery's dead and I have to call my boyfriend back,

we're getting together later.

- Oh great.

- Oh my God.

I just realized who you look like.

- Who?

- My little brother.

He's so cute, take it as a compliment.

It really is, a compliment.

- Great, thanks.

(Annette moaning loudly)

(phone ringing)

- I don't know what happened

I mean everything was perfect, the mood was right.

She really seemed like she was into me and I like

reached over and wack, she gave me the hand.

I mean what happened to "If she smokes, she pokes", hmm?

- It must've been an urban legend, I don't --

Did you rush her? It sounds like you rushed her.

- No, no I didn't rush her.

And you and Annette moaning in the background didn't help.

- Bro I can't help that alright? I'm a screamer.

- Fellas, anybody want some PB and J?

- [Max] Not anymore?

- We're about to go to lunch.

- Ok.

- What lunch?

- Bro how often do you get to treat me?

Lunch is the most important meal of the day.

- You are pushing your luck.

Alright, let's go.

See you Jeff. - [Dean] Later Jeff.

- Later folks.

- I don't-- (phone ringing)

- I mean you have no idea the kind of problems

that I'm incurring with Julia from human resources.

I mean the people that she's sending me,

they're completely unprepared, unqualified to close calls.

I'm spending like an average of 14 to 15 minutes

each call just to finish, it's ridiculous.

- [Dean] Aha.

- Are you even paying attention to me?

Are you listening? - [Dean] Yeah, yeah.

- You never listen, I know it.

- Yes I'm listening.

- Ok well, do you kinda feel like the guys

at the office hate me?

I feel like I'm getting these weird looks at the office.

I mean I don't know if you've noticed but like,

just like I'm wearing a suit doesn't mean, you know,

that I can't hang out.

It's just, yeah I'm working long hours

and I can't do the same things we use to do

but I'm still your buddy right?

- Hey I'm gay!

(engine revving)

- Oh my God, that was her. - [Dean] Who?

- The girl from the other night, from the record store.

We can get her, we can get her, come on.

Where'd she go?

Did you see where she went?

Are you even looking?

- Yeah.

Bro that's the kind of girl you should be dating

now that you're an executive.

Are you coming to my show tonight?

- [Max] Yeah yeah if I have time.

- [Dean] If you have the time?

You're giving me a ride there.

I don't drink anymore because I break out in felonies.

(laughing)

How do you get a blonde girl to church?

Tell her there's a guy hung like this.

- [Voiceover] You suck!

- Terrible joke.

My friend Max,

you're the only one wearing a tie.

I introduced him to the first girl he had sex with,

not only introduced, inflated and bought.

(laughing)

He's a rich executive and he still doesn't get laid.

Even gold diggers won't tap that.

He's so single, he's three rejections away from turning gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that,

it actually sends a letter, it's sad.

It's pathetic, you know he's addicted to porn,

and doesn't even know it.

When you walk into his bedroom, he has beads,

and you have to show your ID.

(laughing)

Max was even rejected by a blind chick.

(laughing)

He even feels ugly.

Ah ladies and gentleman Max.

(applause)

- Max, where you going? He's just kidding.

- Jokes buddy.

As you can see he was trying to bring sexy back

but all he could get was store credit.

What's going on with those guys who go to the gym

and only work out their upper body?

We see you dude, do you have a clown (mumbles)...

You're shaped like a --

- [Allison] Well that could be a good look on you.

- Hey Allison.

- Hi Max, what are you up to?

Been celebrating your promotion?

- This is it, woohoo.

I better --

- Do you wanna walk with me?

- Yeah sure.

I don't know just lots of work.

So what kind of art do you do?

- Well mostly oil on canvas

but I do experimental art too.

What's your favorite color up there?

- Blue.

- Is that your frame of mind or is that your favorite color?

- Both.

- Oh Max.

Hey I have something I wanna show you, come on.

- Where are we going?

- Right here.

- Right here, in the middle of the parking lot?

- Mmhmm.

- [Max] What's that?

- This is a Chinese fire lantern.

My friend sent it to me from China.

And it's considered to be good luck.

And when you light it and let it go,

it symbolizes letting go of all of your problems

and your worries.

- I need that.

- I can tell.

- Is that dangerous?

- Not with me.

Here, you should let it go.

- [Max] Are you sure?

- [Allison] Definitely.

- Ok.

- [Allison] You just let it go.

- Kind of reminds me of a painting I did in high school,

the supernova.

- I didn't know you're an artist.

I'd love to see your work sometime.

- I'm not believe me.

- Oh I'd still love to see it.

- I'll leave the art to you.

- [Allison] I never knew you were so funny Max.

- Hey can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- What do women want?

Is it money? Power?

Looks? All of the above? None of the above?

I mean you're a woman, what do you want?

- Well lots of things really.

But the first question I'd have to ask,

is who are you talking about?

- Me.

- Ok, then what kind of woman are you talking about?

- I don't know, woman with style.

- What kind of style?

- I don't know, someone tall, blonde, nice legs.

- Max, you're not looking for style,

sounds like you want a trophy.

- What's wrong with setting my standards high?

- Well nothing's wrong with it, it's just shallow.

I mean there's more to a woman than style.

- Like what?

- Like communication, love, respect, compassion,

being able to care for somebody for who they are,

not what they look like.

- Can't I find those qualities in a good looking woman?

- Max who are you?

- What do you mean?

- It sounds like you need to remember who you are.

I mean are those really the qualities you're looking for?

(honking)

- Max, she's not your type.

They're all virgins! Come on bro!

- [Voiceover] Get in the car, get in the car.

- [Dean] Max, max, max.

- [Woman] Get in the car, come on!

- [Voiceover] Get in the car, get in the car.

- Look I'm, I'm sorry about my rude friend.

- Yeah sure.

- It was nice walking with ya.

That's my ride.

(cheers)

- Yes!

(cheers)

- I like you, you're like a six, seven.

- A seven?!

- But you're like an eight.

You know what, you're like a 7.5 though,

you know what I mean? You're coming up.

(laughing)

I would wanna make out with you

but feel your boobs.

- Oh wow.

- But I, but I, you know I wanna feel your boobs too.

I like --

- I'm gonna get out here.

- What? What are you doing?

- [Voiceover] Max come on!

- You're gonna go home and jerk off? Dude come on!

Not cool dude.

I'm gonna pick up your slack.

("The Blues They Are Inside Me" by Johnny Papp)

- Hey Cecil.

("The Blues They Are Inside Me" by Johnny Papp)

(dog growls)

Hey buddy, I love you too.

("The Blues They Are Inside Me" by Johnny Papp)

Good morning Allison.

- Hey.

So how's the trophy hunt going?

- Ah, it's...

- What can I get for you Max?

- A large Americano like I always get.

- Hold on a second, could I have a large black coffee please?

- Yeah sure.

- Ah, you know what? I gotta go, see you later.

- [Allison] Three dollars.

(phone ringing)

- [Mila] Ambitious Marketing, please hold.

(phone ringing)

Ambitious Marketing please hold.

(phone ringing)

- [Voiceover] Hello?

- Good morning Mr.Gonzalez, yes I'm doing a credit check

on your background and I wanted to know

if you could read me your numbers?

I hate telemarketers too, it was just a malfunction

in the system and I apologize.

We can't figure out whether you have one or two lines

in your home.

Is there a better time that I can reach you?

- [Voiceover] I'm just too busy right now, sorry.

- [Voiceover] You guys call me everyday

at the same fucking time.

- Can I ask you a question, how did you get this number?

- [Voiceover] It's called star 69 jerk off.

- Ms.Lopez, can you screen the calls next time?

Thank you.

- It just doesn't make sense.

We had burritos three days in a row.

You gotta switch it up it's not good for the system,

I'm telling you.

- But the burritos, they'er good burritos.

They have really good burritos there.

- No no maybe he's right, let's switch it up, I agree.

- So, (stutters) Chinese, Thai food, Italian, what do --?

- Max, how about that soul food spot I was telling you about?

Let's go there.

Yeah? - [Dean] Yes, yes.

- Let's do the soul food spot today.

- Good, there's a decision, good.

- [Jeff] Let's go.

- Alright.

- Hey guys I'm just gonna stay here and work.

Something I gotta do.

- [Dean] Really?

- I know, we'll bring you back a to go tray.

- Yeah, it's alright Max, we'll pack you a doggie bag.

Enjoy your work man.

- [Dean] Alright man.

- [Man] Thank you Allison. - [Allison] You're welcome.

- Made you lunch.

Would you like PB and J?

- Yeah. - [Max] Good.

Do you have a boyfriend?

- Well I don't have a boyfriend, but I am in love.

With my art.

- Must be good to do something you love.

- Well yeah, you do what you love right?

I mean you just got that promotion.

- Yeah I mean there's certain things at the office

that I just don't agree with morally

and I thought the more that I work,

the more I climb the corporate ladder,

that I'd be happy.

I'm not.

- Well you gotta do what you love,

and certainly something you believe in.

I mean that's what matters Max.

That's what's gonna make you happy.

- Why don't you tell me about something that you love.

Tell me about your art.

- Well you're gonna see it Saturday.

- Yeah.

- You smell that?

It smells like sex.

- Hey guys what can I get for you?

- [Max] Two drafts please.

- Coming right up.

- No I got it, I got it, I got it.

Nope I don't got it.

- No you don't got it.

- Here you go.

19 dollars.

- Thank you.

- Thanks guys.

- You know bro, I told him, "Listen, don't come to me

(mumbles) anymore, right?"

(club music)

- Hey MB, check out Deaner.

Ooo, this should be fun.

- It's not like he's doing anything.

Never mind.

- Yeah he's practically giving her the (unclear)

right there on the dance floor bro.

- [Max] You think we should jump in and help him or --

- What are we gonna do, huh?

(club music)

- What are you thinkin' curly?

I asked you a question, what are you thinkin'?

- This songs real funky.

- This song's funky huh? This song is funky.

You know what else is funky? Check this out.

(crowd gasps)

- Karma's a bitch.

How's your face?

- It hurts.

- Does it hurt as bad as your best friend

ripping into you in front of a room of complete strangers

and colleagues?

- No, it just stings a lot.

- [Max] Are you even my friend?

- Are you my friend?

You left me hanging dude, I was bitch slapped.

- Where are the girls? Hot model looking girls?

Where are they?

- Dude, any of us could date models.

We can date supermodels.

- Yeah man, anybody can date a supermodel.

I choose to be single, I can get a date like that if I want.

- I saw your game.

The girl from the record shop, the screamer.

- The infamous screamer.

- Dude she was fine dude, what are guys talking about?

- Yeah she was fine but the only way that you picker her up

was that you made my apartment your apartment.

I made I gave you a taste of the executive life.

- Bro, just because you got cushy job,

don't think you could start pulling ass like me, alright?

Gotta have game.

- Ok but I should be able to get more girls

than the mail guy.

- Whoa, do you know how many envelopes I lick everyday?

This,

it's strong.

- Would you like more Sake?

- Yes, just two large Sakes, thank you.

- Just saying it's strong.

I know that if you got a girl, I could get a hotter one.

Guaranteed.

- Sounds like a challenge.

- I bet this dinner on it.

- Dude I can pay for this dinner,

you can do better than that.

- Alright, I bet you a weeks worth of dinner

plus VIP bottle service at whatever club of your choice

on a Friday night, that says that I can get a hotter girl.

- Alright, I'll wear a dress for a week.

- I'll buy you a new TV, plasma.

- I'll run through two malls, naked.

- I mean what do you have that's like tangible.

Do you have anything of any value to put on the table?

Anything.

- Service.

Clean, I'm a good cleaner.

I'll clean your place for a year.

- [Max] In a bunny suit.

- In a bunny suit.

- Ok.

I'll tell you what.

I'm so confident that I will put my car on the table

that says that I get a hotter girl than you.

- That is an automobile on the table.

- Do we have a deal?

- We have a deal.

- Tom.

- You're judging.

- You got it.

- Tongue kissing a hotter girl, next Saturday.

- You're on my friend.

- Good luck.

- Luck.

- No good luck.

- No good luck. - [Dean] To you.

- Cheers fellas.

- What do you say when you --?

- Oh kampai.

- [Dean] Kampai. - [Tom] Kampai.

- [Dean] Can't lose.

- [Voiceover] Hello?

- Yes hello, is Andrea there please?

- [Voiceover] She's not here right now,

may I take a message?

- Yes, it's Max Burns.

- [Voiceover] Ok Max I'll let her know.

- Yeah if you could have her call me back

that would be great.

- [Voiceover] Ok Max I'll let her know.

- Thank you. - [Voiceover] Bye.

Well that worked.

- [Voiceover] Hello this is Beth.

- Hi Beth? Hello?

Hello.

- [Voiceover] Hello?

Hi is Cami, there?

Hi is Sabrina there please?

Hi is Tania there?

- [Voiceover] May I ask who's calling?

- Hi is Mary there?

Hi it's Max Burns for Candice.

Hi Rebecca it's Max --

Whenever you have a chance can you bring Max back,

Max Burns, I think you remember me.

Anyway, I wanted to know if you had plans

on Saturday night, alright, thanks.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Hi, I am returning a call for Max.

- Andrea, how you doing?

- Oh hey, hi there you.

So what's going on?

- I was just wondering if you had any plans

on Saturday night?

A bunch of friends and I are going to a karaoke club.

I just wanted to know if you were available?

- [Andrea] Can you hold on a minute?

- [Max] Yeah sure I'll hold.

- Who are you talking to?

- I'm on hold with Andrea.

- You're on hold? - [Max] Yeah.

- No dude, give me the phone, give me the phone.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Ow Jesus, you guys are jerks.

- She wasn't coming back from putting you on hold.

- Why not?

- Because she was fucking somebody.

Girls love to put guys on hold and go have sex,

they get off.

- You have to screen the call and make her wait

to talk to you.

When she calls, you're busy.

- Why?

- Why do you think I go to clubs with girls?

- I don't know you tell me.

- Because when you bring a girl

it shows the others that this girl is already interested

in me, and human nature is to want

what you do not have.

- Why?

- I don't know, that's just the way it is.

- Bro did you find a way to get rid of that dog yet?

- Dude he's right there.

- [Tom] Well he can't understand you.

- Could we just talk about this in the car?

- Are you scared?

He can smell fear, look.

(dog growls)

Look, you're just his little bitch.

(dog growling)

- Ok guys.

So,

yes or no questions.

Five pennies.

Do you smell anything?

- Nope don't smell anything.

- That is a cent.

(chuckles)

- See any fruit?

- [Max] No. - [Tom] No.

- That is a pair.

- [Woman] See any snakes?

- No.

- There are three copper heads.

- See any cars?

- That is four Lincolns.

(chuckling)

- She's good.

- See any pussy?

- [Max] Nope.

- [Dean] Yeah.

- And you won't if you only have five cents.

(chuckling)

- Good one.

- How about three draft beers please?

- Three beers 15 dollars.

- [Max] Tips for the joke.

- [Woman] Oh thanks, enjoy.

- To the chase.

To ginseng and candle wax.

- What's the ginseng for?

- It keeps you hard.

- And the candle wax.

- For the nickles.

(chuckling)

- [Woman] Hey last call.

- Hi, I'm Max.

- Kelly.

- Anybody ever tell you you have nice eyes?

- Oh thanks.

- Can I buy you a drink?

- Why don't we just get outta here?

- Ok.

- [Max] Do you like Monopoly?

- [Kelly] Yes, I do.

(moaning)

- Are you sure you can't get pregnant?

- No, no I'm on the pill.

(moaning and heavy breathing)

- You sure we still shouldn't use something?

- I don't have any STDs.

- I don't either, shouldn't we just be safe?

- Look, if I have something you already have it.

So don't worry.

- Ok.

(moaning and screaming)

- What's wrong?

Is that all you got?

- I just, I have a headache.

I have to wake up early in the morning.

- Do you have any aspirin?

- I don't think so.

I should probably drive you home and get some on the way.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah I'm sure, I should just go.

- And you said I had beautiful eyes.

So you're taking me out Saturday night right?

(echoing) Saturday night right?

- No!

Go pee, come on, go pee, go on.

Come on.

(barks)

Good boy.

Ah Christ! Ah!

Cecil come on.

- No no move, move, just issue that.

(phone ringing)

Get that please Janette.

Double it, double it.

No no move move, just, issue that!

Carolina I swear -- yeah?

Oh look the una-bomber came to pick up his psyche meds.

Oh there you are, what can I do you for?

Janette get the -- phone! Yes.

- I have an itch.

- And I've got a marriage that's going down the crapper.

Can you help me?

- No.

- Aisle six, lotions, sav's, eye drops,

depending where your itch is located.

- I was kind of hoping I could keep it private.

- Oh oh I'm so sorry, go ahead yeah.

- You know when you have head lice?

- Right.

- [Max] Well I think I have some friends

swimming around downstairs.

- (whispering) Ok, oh I see, it sounds like you might have

a case of (loudly) genital crabs.

Once again, aisle six, there's a shampoo

in a purple bottle, purple.

Lather it up real good, real good

and maybe your friends will go away.

Also, you can always shave your pubes.

Then maybe your friends won't have a place to hide.

(phone ringing)

Janette would you get the GD phone!

Thank you, next.

Oh hi Mrs.Doobcheck, how your psoriasis?

- Not very well I'm afraid.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

At least you don't have what the last guy had.

- [Mrs.Doobcheck] And what's that?

- Crabs, on his vagina.

- Oh.

- I'll get your prescription.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

I am a Russian male order, 26 year old.

- Dean, what are you doing?

- [Dean] Bro she's hot.

- Not on my computer she's not, out, get out.

Dean every time you do this Mr.Koster's assistant

comes down says "Hey you know we're monitoring

"your internet activity on your computer right?"

You're gonna get fired for doing that, right?

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, fat woman.

- No, out now, go.

Damn, you're 26...

- Excuse me, do you have any change for a 20?

I gotta pay my meter.

(unlocking door alert)

Oh this is a 300, because it kinda looks like my Phantom,

you wanna kick it, Saturday?

Don't wanna go out? Fine.

(dog growling)

- Hi, hi I'm Max, how you doing?

I, I wanted to know if...

Hey.

Hi, I'm Max.

- I was gonna go to a movie with some friends

but nothing's definite, what are you doing?

- Actually I'm going to a karaoke bar, do you wanna --

- [Voiceover] She's 17.

- Hello.

- Are you on your lunch break?

- Actually I'm a lesbian, I'm sorry.

- I'm cool with that.

What's up?

- What is?

- So how's the ganja job treatin' ya?

- Good.

- Hey I know you don't have any trouble

picking up the ladies but how do I get a hot chick?

- It just comes natural, you know.

It's who you are, you know.

If you really want female advice,

why don't you ask your sister?

- Alright, thanks.

See ya.

- Wow, there's a face I don't get to see too often.

How are you?

- Good good.

Busy working my ass off.

- I know, so have we.

- Yeah well my hard work is paying off, I got a promotion.

- Oh my gosh, congratulations.

Mom must be so proud.

- I haven't told her yet.

I'm waiting for my raise to kick in.

- So what pleasure do I owe this visit?

- I wanted to ask your advice.

- Ok, shoot.

- What attracted you to Joe?

- Oh, you know, it's what we call

a contest of generosities.

You see when we first met, he was actually really closed off

about his past and had a really hard time opening up

and then one day he just

opened up and shared his life story, his dreams,

his fears, he cried in front of me,

and, but you know what, he really just showed me

who he was and gave me so much of himself

and you know when I think about it,

that really has what made us stay together

because we're continuing to always give to one another

without expectation.

So, that's all I've got.

- It's great, thanks, see ya.

- Oh great to see you.

Thanks for coming by.

- [Max] Yeah, see you soon. - [Woman] I hope so.

- Unlucky in love, lucky in war.

- For you it's unlucky in love and in war.

Who you taking out Saturday?

- Called your mom, but she was busy.

- Original, original.

- Thank you, I try.

Everything happens for a reason.

Check.

- Why did that happen?

- Ah 'cause you're a loser.

- I'll clean it up.

- Yeah, see you later.

- Go work.

(knocking)

- You may have heard the company has experienced

a recent downfall in profits

and so we're going to have to start downsizing immediately.

I'm going to ask you to do the layoffs.

- I can't fire these people.

Up until a few days ago they were my colleagues.

- Max, this is business for Christ sakes.

You were promoted to take care of business.

- Mrs.Lopez is relying on this job to put her daughter

through college.

Dean Keyhoe, not only is he my co-worker

he's my friend and Mr.Wihitman, I thought he was my boss.

- These people are all expendable.

Now if you can't do this, then I'll get somebody

else to do the job.

Am I clear?

- Crystal.

- Thank you Max.

- Bullshit.

- [Voiceover] Hello?

- Hi William? Yeah this is Max Burns over

in the central district office in Los Angeles.

How you doing?

- [Voiceover] I'm doing alright Max, what's going on?

- Yeah unfortunately I have some bad news.

You know that our market results have been quite bad

this year and we're doing a big wave of layoffs

so I just wanted to give you a heads up,

I'm sure the wave is coming your way.

- [Voiceover] Thanks Max, that's really considerate of you.

- You have yourself a good one, thanks.

- [Voiceover] Take care.

- Hey Max.

- Cynthia, you've done such great things

for the company, I'm sorry we're gonna have to let you go.

- What?

- So sorry.

We have to let you go.

- Fuck you Max.

- Fired?

- What? You can't fire me, I'm your boss.

- I know that you're my boss sir

and that you're my superior but --

It's ok, it's ok.

(sobbing)

Unfortunately, we're all expendable and --

- I don't get it, come on.

- I understand that but...

- What did I do wrong?

- After all that hard work I did for you.

I wish you'd, next time tell me earlier in the day

so I wouldn't have gotten those reports done for you.

- I've been here for six years.

You know what? Screw you, screw this place.

(whimpering)

Hello? Hello?

(sobbing)

Hello?

Mr.Koster?

- Max.

- Mr.Koster.

- She cheated on me.

She wanted a younger man.

I'm replaceable.

- I guess we all are.

(knocking)

- What's up Maxxy?

- [Max] Hey.

- Dude who died?

- I wish I were.

- What's wrong?

- What's wrong? What's wrong?

What's right? Nothing.

Job, girls, I need to quit.

Just quit.

I think, I think I'll just quit.

- Whoa whoa whoa, you're gonna quit girls?

- No my job.

- Why we just had your promotion party last week?

- And apparently I was promoted to do my boss's dirty work.

- And?

- I can't do it.

I have to fire people.

I have to fire Dean, I can't do it.

- Dude, look at me.

I work three stupid jobs, alright?

I do what I gotta do.

You do what you gotta do, alright?

You want some help from me?

- Yeah.

- Give me a quarter.

- What for?

- For the payphone.

- Why don't you just use my phone?

- Thanks, and a quarter.

- [Max] What for?

- For the payphone for later.

- [Dean] Talk it's Deaner. - [Tom] Dean.

It's Tom. - [Dean] What's up Tommy?

- Hey hey, so I got good news and I got bad news,

what you want first?

- [Dean] Ah dude, good news.

- Ok the good news is, the sisters are picking us up later.

- [Dean] Yeah right on.

- Yes sir. - [Dean] Ok dude.

Bad news.

- And the bad news is, Max here says you're fired.

- [Dean] Whoa dude what? Dude, dude?!

- It's that easy.

Stop letting it get to you man.

You got a bet to win,

and all you gotta do is pick up a hot chick

for tomorrow night.

- I do.

- And I know my boy can do that.

- I can do that. - [Tom] That's right.

Alright, ready to get back to work, go get 'em.

- [Voiceover] There we go, good teamwork.

- [Trixy] Oh my God.

Shit! What am I gonna tell my dad?

- You might wanna think about that for a minute.

- You can say that again.

- Yeah.

- What the fuck, I thought you guys said it was safe

to park out here?

- Oh no, no no I said I never get messed with.

- Well, where is your car?

- Oh I donated it.

- What?

- To the Elderly Women's Equal Rights Movement.

- I thought you said it got repossessed?

- No, that's my brothers car.

- Oh yeah.

- So why don't you have a new car?

- Oh because I'm really eco-friendly, it's hot.

- You want us to call you a cab or the police or...

- Come on Trixy, we're out of here.

- But we were gonna go --

- We'll walk to the payphone and call on our own.

- And I'll call you.

- I feel like such a jerk.

- Trixy!

- Wait wait, oh wait no, that's just stomach acid.

- Oh yeah, nice camel toe though.

- Yeah.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- [Max] Hey Marie.

- Hey Max.

How's it going?

- [Max] How you doing?

- Haven't talked to you since I got pregnant.

- You got pregnant?

When?

- Last December remember?

- December?

- My boobs are enormous.

I mean if I get stretch marks I'm gonna be so mad.

- Well that's great.

Good luck with that.

Na I mean, congratulations.

- Thanks Max.

- Well I probably should get going.

I'll talk to you soon, take care.

- Alright, take care.

- Bye.

Oh sorry.

- That's cool.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- How you doing? My name is Max,

What's your name?

- My name is Jeremy, nice to meet you Max.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going home.

- You know, this is gonna sound a little straightforward

and would you like to go out with me this evening?

- I don't even know you.

- I'm a nice, good looking, successful guy.

- And modest.

- At times, I can be.

- Ok, what do you do?

- I don't even know anymore.

- I understand that.

Ok Max, I don't usually do this,

but I like you.

I'm gonna give you my number

and you call me, after eight.

- Do you need a ride?

- No you could be a serial killer or something,

but I will see sometime after eight in public.

- Hey it's a costume karaoke party, be ready at eight.

(phone alert)

Oh damn, Allison.

I'll send her flowers.

No I got something better.

- [Voiceover] White zone is for immediate loading

and unloading of passengers only, no parking.

- Wow two times in one week, what's the deal?

- I just got a girls number

and I'm going out with her tonight.

- Did my advice help?

- Maybe.

- You know a simple "Thank you" would do.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

So what do you have here?

- This is a painting that I did in high school

and I was wondering if you could wrap it up for me,

pro bono.

- Alright let's see.

You're not planning on giving this to the girl

you just met are you?

- No it's just for a friend.

- Ok, if you say so.

Better be a good friend.

- I hope so.

Hi, I was wondering if I can leave this for Allison?

- [Woman] Sure, I'll make sure she gets it.

- Tell her it's from Max.

Hey boy, how you doing?

(dog growling)

Hello.

You want a treat? You want a treat?

(phone ringing)

What's up buddy?

- Hey bro you ready for tonight?

- [Max] Yup I'm ready.

- You're driving right?

- Yeah I'm driving, who's going?

- Well it's Tom, me, Eva, you and your date.

- [Max] Who's Eva?

- Remember our bet right?

- Yeah.

- Tonight is the night I drive home in your car,

or should I say my car.

Don't worry buddy boy, I'll give you a ride home

as long as you don't mind sitting bitch.

- Oh you make it sound like you already won,

maybe I should just stay home and can see.

- You get a costume?

- Oh shit!

- You forgot, you're crazy man,

there's gonna be nothing left.

- I'll get one.

- Good luck.

Hey do you know who's talking about you?

- [Eva] Dean.

You like?

(giggling)

* Sex sex sex sex

- You're such a dick.

Oh my God, that's so perfect.

Hey chicken man! Chicken man, I need to talk to you.

You talking to me?

Are you talking to me huh?

You chicken head, you talking to me, huh?

Oh no, no no no no no.

I did not just wash your number off my hand, no.

No, no no.

Damn it! Damn it!

Come on, come on, come on one hot girl.

Hi, my name is Max.

What's your name?

- Destiny.

- I believe in that.

- That's original, not!

- What are you in a rush for?

- Just because.

- Because is just like a fabricated answer that people have.

I mean either you're going somewhere

and you don't want me to know or

you really don't know where you're going

and you're just nervous of repercussions

of meeting me and what that would lie in your destiny.

- What?

- Never mind, do you have a date tonight?

- No.

- You do now.

- Cool.

Could you pick me up?

- Yeah sure.

I have to warn you though my dad likes to meet

the guys I date, he's old fashioned like that.

- Hey I should get your number,

do you wanna plug that in there?

And um, by the way we're going to a karaoke bar

with a costume theme.

So, you have a costume that you could whip up right?

- Yeah sure.

Ok bye.

- Welcome to Earth Cure, are you a new patient?

- Sort of.

- And what are your ailments?

- Stress.

- Stress, from what?

- I can't seem to find my dealers.

- Oh right.

- My doctor prescribed this medical marijuana card to me.

- A doctor, right.

For you, I suggest, super ape or warlock.

(doorbell)

Deaner, what's happening?

- Not much.

Can I get that Russian dictionary?

- Sold out bro.

- No no, the book, the English Russian dictionary,

translation.

- It's at my house.

What do you need it for?

- Bro, I got the hottest Russian chick.

- Nice.

- She is h-h-hott.

(groans)

Bro those stairs dude.

- Yeah, every time.

- Look I don't, I don't know why.

Can I get a sample?

- Dude they're gonna fire me

if you keep eating the samples.

Just take one Dean.

One.

One!

- Super ape.

(doorbell)

- [Destiny] Daddy! Can you get the door.

I think it's Max and I'm not ready yet.

- Oh hell's no.

- Yeah.

- I'll tell you what,

I'll give you a three second head start.

(glocks gun)

- [Destiny] Daddy no!

(Destiny screaming unclearly)

- Baby, baby baby!

- [Destiny] Dad put down the gun.

(gunshot)

- You're lucky.

Oh baby you --

- Dad why do you do this to me? Why do you do this?

- Get inside, put some clothes on!

Put some clothes on!

(Destiny crying)

(door slam)

- I'm dateless, why?

I'm a nice guy in a chicken suit.

Are there any women out there for me? Huh?

- I can remember, of course I can remember.

Why do you --

Stupid, I don't even know him.

(sirens)

- Ah damn it!

- Evening.

You know why I pulled you over?

- No I don't know, was I, was I speeding?

Did I miss a stop sign?

- No you're wearing a chicken suit.

- What?

- I'm just kidding, you got a tail light out.

Let me see your license and registration.

- Ah, ok, who's an idiot?

Hey Cecil, yeah, I'm the retard.

Of course I'm --

Yup I'm retarded, it's me, your daddy, retarded.

Why did I have to wash her

number off my hand? Why? Why?!

Did I have to? Did I have to? Huh?

Did I have to wash her number off my hand?

No I didn't, no I didn't.

Come here, come here.

Give me some love.

- So what's the hardest part about rollerblading?

- What?

- Telling your dad you're gay.

(chuckling)

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Oh hey buddy, where' your costume?

- Don't have it.

- Why aren't you dressed up?

- It's a long story.

- What are you suppose to be?

- A loser.

- Oh.

- Oh let me guess, two assholes?

- No, pirate, referee.

Close though, Max Eva, Eva Max.

- Hello.

- Holler!

- So where's your date?

- Which one? The first one I lost her number.

The second one, her dad chased me down the street

with a shotgun tried to shoot me.

- Maxy, with no date, the winner is

Mr.Youthhostile over here.

- [Dean] Keys please.

- I still have 'til midnight.

- That's true, that's true, that is true.

- [Dean] What?

* Captain Smith and Pocahontas

* Have a very mad face.

* When her daddy tried to kill him.

* She said daddy oh no don't you dare

* He gives me fever

* With his kisses, fever when he holds me tight

* Fever, I'm his misses, so daddy

* Won't you treat him right

* Now you've listened to my story

* Here's the point that I am making

* Chicks will only give you fever

* Being Fahrenheit or Centigrade

* They give you fever

* When you kiss them

* Fever if you live and learn

- Looks like Max is gonna regain the title bro.

She's giving him a private show.

- No way dude.

She's dancing like that for everybody.

- Yeah, I don't think so.

- I got the title right here.

(laughing)

* Fever, 'til you sizzle

* What a lovely way to burn

* What a lovely way to burn

* What lovely way to burn

* What a lovely way to burn

(applause)

- [Voiceover] (unclear speech on mic)

Next up, Nunzio with YMCA.

- Hey, hey, hi that was a great song.

- Thanks.

- I've been seeing you all over the place

and I don't even know your name.

- Nicolette.

- Max. - [Nicolette] Hi Max.

- Whoa.

Dude stop touching me.

He likes to touch me inappropriately.

- He's joking, I don't like to touch him.

- Thank you.

- At least me and my girl match.

We should get points for that.

- I'm taking away points for that.

- Did you come here with someone?

- No.

- Do you have a boyfriend?

- No.

Do you wanna go someplace quiet?

- Yeah.

- Let's get out of here.

- Ok.

- You only cost two grand.

- Wait wait wait.

- What?

- Do you have a condom?

- Yeah, I do.

Ah shit!

- What?

- It's ripped.

("Never Done This Before" by Mazarati featuring Rosie Herald)

- [Allison] Thanks so much for coming.

It really means a lot.

- [Voiceover] Allison (mumbles).

- [Voiceover] Thank you for having us.

- [Voiceover] It's an honor to be here.

The colors you used in this set,

they're absolutely vibrant.

- [Allison] Oh thank you.

- I honestly like that one the best.

That one, over came like --

- Yeah, now that one was a lot of fun to take.

- [Dean] Oh ho oh. - [Tom] Ohh ho oh.

Ladies and gentleman we have a winner.

- [Dean] Damn. - [Eva] Winner.

- Keeping the girls waiting?

Daddy's gotta go make a sandwich.

You kids have a good night.

- [Dean] Peace.

- Ah you guys need a lift?

- [Dean] Yeah sure.

I'm a dirty girl.

- I'm a dirty girl.

- [Dean] Tickle. - [Eva] Tickle.

- Tickle my nut sack. - [Eva] Tickle my --

- My nut sack. - [Eva] My nut sack.

- Tickle my nut sack. - [Eva] My nut sack.

- Tickle my nut sack.

- [Eva] Tickle my --

- She doesn't even know what I'm saying, that's great.

- Dean, Dean, if you don't kiss her in five minutes,

you lose the bet.

- Alright, alright.

- What is bet?

- You speak English?

- What is bet?

(speaks foreign language)

- Can I have a green tea please?

- This is not part of deal.

- She speaks English dude.

- This is not part of deal.

Won't have nothing to do with you and your

pervert friends.

- Can't believe he stood me up.

What a jerk!

- Where's Eva?

- She hopped in the cab.

I'll catch up with her later.

You know how it goes.

It sucks.

- Excuse me.

- Well looks like you lost.

Guess you'll be cleaning my apartment .

- What?

That was a joke dude, you weren't gonna put your car

on the line right?

- I bet my car, it's not a joke.

- We were joking dude.

- Ok, just at least admit that I won.

- No.

- Just say it, I won.

- No.

- Just say I won.

- [Dean] No.

- Say Max Burns won.

- No.

- Just win, won, say it won.

- Nope. - [Max] Win.

- Nope. - [Max] Win.

- Nope. - [Max] Max won.

- I didn't even wink.

- Just man up and just say you'll clean my apartment

at least one time.

- I'm gonna go take a man piss.

You gotta see this.

- What? - [Dean] Come on.

- What?

- Oh Max! Max wait!

- Bro the tire's slashed.

- What?

- It's slashed.

- Max! We can make this work!

(laughing)

- Oh my gosh, wow! It was great.

- [Allison] You liked it?

- Yes.

- Oh thank you so much for coming.

It means so much.

- [Woman] I'm so proud of you.

- Thank you.

I hope you have a good night though.

- You too honey. - [Allison] Thanks bye.

- So let me get this straight for the record.

Technically we're both losers.

- We're absolute, absolute losers!

- Take it easy bro.

- It just comes natural.

It's who you are, you know?

- Well what were you just looking for?

- I don't know, when I see it I'll know.

- All work and no play makes life very boring.

Know what I mean kid?

- Always give to one another without expectation.

- You wanna walk with me?

Max, who are you?

It sounds like you need to remember who you are.

- Somewhere I gotta be.

- Bro where are you going?

I love you.

(knocking)

- Allison!

(knocking) Allison!

(knocking) Allison!

(knocking)

Allison!

(knocking)

Allison I'm sorry for being such a jerk

and now showing up this evening.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm an idiot.

- You stand me up and now you're trying to make up for it.

I mean why?

I'm not even your type.

- I was wrong, I thought I had to live

some executive life style and have some stereotypical

bimbo on my arm but I don't,

I don't want any part of it.

Look I don't have all the answer but I did learn

a valuable lesson.

- What lesson?

- That I like you for who you are.

- Well you have a strange way of showing it.

I mean what made you come to your senses now?

- A few things did, mostly what you said the other night.

You know, remember who you are.

It hit me, I mean I was putting so much value

into what other people thought

and I was ignoring my feelings for you.

And I'm an idiot and I'm sorry.

Where are you going?

- Home.

- Well can I walk with you?

- Well that'd be a start.

- [Max] So that's my story.

I know how much you like flowers.

Now I'm no ladies man

and I haven't figured out women

but I did learn one thing,

you shouldn't be kissing strangers.

("Stray My Way" by DJ Tory Tee)