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Welcome to International Financial News.

I'm Lindsay Hawthorne.

The German-based Hot Bot Corporation

continues to try to get a foothold in the U.S. market,

as they're currently beta-testing a new line

of realistic sex robots for American consumers.

So far, the Hot Bot Corporation

has not been granted U.S. patent approval

for the radically advanced technologies

controlling the robots.

But Hot Bot executives

are hoping to make their case

to Congress in the coming months.

This is the Hot Bot Corporation,

where the sexual pleasure industry

will soon be revolutionized by providing

safe, disease-free,

and uninhibited erotic satisfaction

for discriminating consumers.

The hypoallergenic Hot Bots are designed

at a state-of-the-art facility in Germany

and built in Japan.

I'm here with the inventor of the Hot Bot,

Dr. Heinrich Schaffer.

Hello. Thank you, Nigel.

Allow me to introduce Sophia.

Here she comes. The excitement is palpable.

This is the latest Hot Bot prototype.

As you can see, it is very realistic-looking

and very alluring, but it is just a robot,

not a beautiful young woman.

I like to think of it as the perfect marriage

of art and science.

In German, we have a word for this concept:

I've been told that we can interview it... or her.

Is that correct?

Yes, of course, but keep in mind,

she is not one of the more talkative models.

Sophia, what would you say is your job?

My job is to please you.

Oh.

Uh, the, uh, robot's breast is, uh,

it's very supple and realistic-feeling.

It's the space-age polymer

that makes the boobies so tactile.

Are you capable of feeling love?

Yes. But like humans, it can overload my system.

Your heart rate is increasing.

You are becoming erect.

No, no, no, I'm not.

The Hot Bot's analysis is always accurate.

To the viewers at home, and if my wife,

if you're watching,

I am an objective news reporter

performing a journalistic investigation

of a technological breakthrough.

You are 92 % erect.

You are very well endowed.

Would you like to have sex?

The, uh, economic recession in, uh, Europe,

uh, has been hard on the, uh, economy.

- Uh... - Would you like

to have oral sex?

Oh, actually, I think we should cut that.

No, no, no. Keep rolling.

This is an excellent demonstration

of the Hot Bot's erotic positivity algorithm.

- Yeah? - Dr. Schaffer? Guten Tag.

So, who else have you shown this to?

Just me?

Unairable, you say?

That's good. Because you know what?

I'll agree to help you on this, okay?

I'll solve all your problems, but I just have one condition.

I want one.

You heard me. I want one. I want every option on it.

I want it all first class.

Anything you can put on it. And by the way, no viruses.

No, something I can catch.

Well, then, send me Bardot.

One quick question.

Is it possible to adjust the breasts?

...flight 329 from Tokyo.

We're clear. Taxi down runway...

Welcome to Salt Lake City.

If we serve food this hot, we'll get in a lot of trouble.

- Don't spit on the food, bro. - I'm not.

I'm just cooling it down.

Don't. Please don't do that.

It's so unsanitary.

Hyah.

You're insane.

Oh, this makes me really uncomfortable.

This is Tandem.

Yeah.

The angel has fallen.

Over.

Pleasant.

Ow! This is heavy!

Hey, batter, batter batter.

Welcome to Battertown Fish & Donut,

where every day is Fry-Day.

Would you like to try our new triple double?

Huffy?

Huffy, is that you?

- Oh, fuck. - Yeah.

Don't worry. I got one in the cannon.

What do you wanna eat?

All right. You listen, I talk.

Give me a double fry, extra crispy fish basket,

Vanilla Gorilla shake and a Dew,

and make sure it's carbonated.

If you give me a flat Mountain Dew,

I'm gonna come in there and shit in the fryer.

And a side order of chick nuts.

- You want anything, baby? - No, no, I'm good.

You sure?

One phlegm-bay coming up.

Nard.

Yeah, we have the package

in our possession. Okay.

Should we see what's in the box?

No.

It says "none of our business"

in about 50 different languages.

Let's open the box.

That's a good call.

- Hi, Limus. - Hey, whoa, whoa.

What the fuck was that?

- You really have to do that? - Well, he's my friend.

You said, "Hi, Limus" by his name.

- Shut up. - No, no, no.

Tell me the truth. Did you puff on the Huff?

Knock it off, Rodney.

My greatest creation.

Rodney will love it. Mwah.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Hey, "Roidney."

- What? - I've got your dumb food.

What'd you just say?

I just said I got your dumb fucking food.

- Little fucker. - Stop it, Rodney.

He's my friend.

- Stop. - Stop, Rodney, come on.

If you say hi to her one more time,

I'm gonna give you a red sock.

- So sorry, Limus. - Give me my food!

- Oh, you want your food? - Yeah, I want my food.

Does the ape-man want his banana?

What the fuck is wrong with you, tard?

You want the awesome sauce?

Hey, give me the fucking sauce.

Do you want my sauce?

- Shut the fuck up. - Bye, Limus. Bye Nard.

Fuck you.

Eat my dick!

Why aren't you two in the batter box?

Your appearance isn't customer-friendly.

Customers will not order from us

if they see you two failed fucking abortions.

Your shift is over.

Drain the vat and hump to the dump.

I think fried food makes him aggressive.

What the F, Koontz?

Hold on. Hold on.

Panda.

Well, why don't you have her?

I took the pill, Frazier, that's why.

Do you realize at most, I've got...

Because if I take another one in an hour,

I'm gonna have a hard-on until Arbor Day.

Do you understand... You know something?

This is beneath me, and I'm not going to do it.

I want you to find her and bring her.

Find her and bring her.

Just... What did I say?

Moron.

Where were we? Oh, yeah.

Now, you listen to me.

You got a half hour to heal, and then I'm using you

no matter what any woman.

Don't give me that look.

Oh, man!

Never had my ass beat by a sex doll before.

Oh, my God. I think...

I think she made me shit on myself.

God.

We gotta find her, we gotta find her.

What the hell, what the hell, what the hell, what the hell?

Feels like Van Damme with a vagina.

"A red sock

is when having unprotected anal intercourse.

The inner lining of the intestines

comes out of the body,

appearing much like a red tube sock."

Listen, dude,

he's peaking right now.

Do you understand? He knows that.

As dumb as he is,

he knows these are the best years of his life.

These are the worst years of our lives.

You know why?

So that we can look back at them

and fucking laugh on piles of money

that we've made for being smart.

He hates you too.

I'm sure he'd love to give us a matching pair of socks.

He will not pull my butthole out of my butthole, okay?

Fuck.

We hit something.

- What is it? - I don't know.

Well, "I don't know" is under your car.

Well, why don't you go and check out what it is?

Okay. Yeah.

I didn't ask you to do it for me, you fucking idiot.

- What is it? - Um...

Nard, we might be dealing with

like, uh, a half-dead, irate buck here,

and it might be really mad at me,

and he might get up and ram his rack

- right through my trachea. - Don't be an imbecile.

Okay, well, all I'm saying is

it's gonna be hard for me to talk to you

with blood squirting out of my neck.

Yeah, well, it's hard enough

to communicate with you either way.

Come on, man, this is boring.

Anything?

What? Hey!

- Nard! Nard! - What? What?

- What? What? - You hit a girl!

And you knocked off all of her clothes!

We have to wrap her up and put her in the car.

Did I knock her socks off?

Nard, you can't leave her out here

like a piece of road kill.

It is so cold out, Huffy. I really don't wanna move.

I am so cold.

Get out of your fucking car!

You know how bad my circulation is!

Okay.

Oh, yeah, I do not

wanna have to call this in.

- You got service down here? - We've got no service.

All right, let's find her.

- Huffy? - Huh?

We just need to formulate a plan, okay?

You think that calling the police

and reporting the accident

is the wrong decision to make?

All I know is that I'm old enough to know

we're too young to make the right decision.

Okay.

And what exactly is the wrong decision here

that I'm gonna be supporting?

Okay, it's... it's a whole thing.

I'll tell you once we get to your house.

I'm not sure if she's alive,

but my parents can't see a dead body.

They're not gonna see her body.

It's part of the plan.

You have to understand, you have to trust the plan.

- I do. Oh, yeah. - You trust the plan?

- I trust the plan. - Tell me you trust the plan.

I trust the man behind the plan,

and I trust the plan.

Okay. If you trust the man behind the plan,

therefore you trust the plan.

You trust the plan.

I do.

Okay.

Why don't you go into the garage?

- Why? - Because we're gonna stash

that girl in there.

That idea took you over an hour to come up with?

Come on! So, where are we going?

Your room?

Uh, yeah, let's do that.

No one will ever suspect a girl

to be in my room.

Hey, that's really sad.

Don't say stuff like that.

Mm, bring it back around.

Bring it back around.

Oh, shit.

What's that dumb music?

Oh, fuck. Stop.

We'll just go fast.

Ready? One, two, three.

Please, God, let me get off on a technicality.

Oh, man.

She's so fucking heavy for a girl.

She weighs more than groceries.

Hey, Limus,

Leonard, what are you guys doing?

- Fuck. - Hey, come in here, you two.

My feet hurt. Is it possible for me not to...

Boy, you are in my house!

You get your ass down here now!

- Ooh. - Hey.

- Dance party. - Hey, Dad.

- Don't dance. Stop that. - Okay. Sorry.

What are you gentlemen doing this evening?

Uh, nothing.

Well, something.

- You smell funny. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. It's been pretty dead. - Mm-hmm.

Whatever you brought in my house,

I want it out by tomorrow, okay?

- Check. - Yes, sir.

- See you later. - Bye.

No, no, don't touch.

Okay.

- That was weird. - Yeah, what was that

on his jacket?

What?

I w... I was, um...

calculating how much time we're both gonna do for this.

Okay, well, she's still unconscious.

We have a few more hours to formulate a plan

before she starts to stink, and it'll be fine.

Because the plan we have going for us is so genius.

You know what? I would relax, Huffy.

This is the first time

you've had a girl in your bed, ever.

Dead or alive,

this is a positive step forward.

Honey?

Don't you think it's time for Leonard to go home?

Okay, Mom.

And I really want you to bathe today.

Thank you, Mrs. Huffingtons.

Okay, I'm gonna leave you two alone.

Hey, hey, you come back

the first thing tomorrow morning

to help me with her.

Okay. I have the perfect place to bury her.

It's my grandma's garden.

Oh, and dude, you should have sex with her.

Do whatever you can

that you know you're never gonna be able to do again,

like finger her butthole or, like, lick her eyeball.

I won't tell anyone. Promise. Okay. I was just saying.

It's one night. You know, adventure time.

Just knock it out.

If you need anything, hesitate to call 'cause

I don't... I don't like it here.

Hey, Ms. Huffington,

do you have any sloppy joes left?

Shit!

Hello, this is Kenny.

How may I help you?

Yeah, your robot just beat my ass

and then ran off into the bushes.

Oh, yeah. No, that is hysterical.

This fucking idiot just asked me

if I touched the sex doll inappropriately.

Did you?

Why doesn't Limus

ever have to spread the Word with us?

Oh, sweetie, the Lord gave him other challenges.

- Let's not be late. - Mm-mm.

Let's go.

I know how you hate being late, sweetie.

I don't like being late.

God doesn't want us to be late, does He?

Mmm-mm. Mmm-mm.

- What? - Nard, Nard, Nard.

- She's not here. - What?

The dead girl is gone.

Is there a knife sticking out of your chest?

- No. - We're fine. Yeah.

We'll just put some missing posters

around town looking for a dead zombie.

- A zombie? - Yeah.

A naked zombie.

- Great, Nard, great. - Go throughout your house,

and I'm gonna take down this tent.

Yeah, what was that? Oh, I'm breaking up.

Good morning, world.

Who is it?

It's Britney, bitch.

Hey, where is she?

I think that zombie

is in the bathroom.

Okay.

Shit. Fuckin' shit.

Oh, I really think I'm gonna reconsider

going to church.

Yeah, well... in a minute or two,

you're gonna meet your maker, buddy.

Huff?

I love you.

I love you too.

Now, fire that up.

Aah.

Why are you doing this to me?

Start praying.

Oh, you're up. Good morning.

Would you like to fuck in your room?

You have protection for that?

- Huffy? - Huh?

- Check your pants. - Why?

Because I know you just came in them.

Hello.

So, which one of you wants to fuck me first?

What?

Whoa. Oh.

Is one of you gonna remove your clothes,

or would you like me to remove them for you?

- Huffy, take your clothes off. - Oh, man.

- Huffy, take your clothes off. - Shut up. We'll get there.

Come, sit next to me.

Dude, go over there and fuck her.

Are you gonna stand there and watch?

Yeah, of course.

- Get out, Nard! - Why?

- You can't watch. - I would let you watch.

I can't... p-perform with you watching me.

Perform?

What, do you think this is the Olympics?

You're like a shotgun, buddy. One pump and you're done.

- Boom. - Get the fuck out of here.

What are you, a cartoon dog?

Asshole.

"I'm a human being.

I'm gonna have sex with a girl.

Ooh, ooh, ooh."

You should put that on. You're a little bit naked.

So...

how can I please you, my master?

I'm sensing...

that you would like something in the face-to-face family.

Missionary?

The Victory? The Viennese Oyster?

No, I'm allergic to shellfish.

That's adorable.

How about you just lay down next to me?

How about you turn me on?

How about you turn me on?

Turn me on? Turn me on?

Turn me on? On...

Oh, God! Fuckin' hurry up.

Hey.

You okay?

Hello?

- Nard! - What? Fuck.

I knew it. She's possessed. What happened?

I don't know. I didn't even get to kiss her.

What?

Ugh. Well, you really fucked up this time, man.

I don't know what happened. She's not, um...

- Alive? - No, she's not... real.

What?

She's fake.

Holy shit.

Huffy, she's a fuckin' robot.

I'm a little hungover today.

And you're stupid.

So, are you telling me

that 500,000 bucks just wandered off

into the woods?

No one's going to find her, senator,

let alone... touch her.

Let me rephrase that, senator.

If anyone does find her and plugs her in,

we will know.

The entire company is on alert.

Look, I'm not a bad guy. I don't enjoy killing.

Sometimes, sure, but usually it upsets me.

I don't want to... I don't wanna kill you.

So, why don't we avoid all that and, you know...

find her, please?

Find her. Hmm?

Yes, senator, yes.

I'm pretty sure the meeting is over.

How about you?

Golly. Caroline, I'm ready for a drink.

And none of your bullshit shot-and-a-half drinks, huh?

I-I don't know, Nard. It's all I could grab.

The label said "The Faith Hill Collection."

Yeah, well, it really says Salvation Army.

Shut up.

All right, they're my mom's clothes.

If I knew how to dress girls, I wouldn't be into them.

Mom jeans are mom jeans, Huffy.

You've put ketchup on filet mignon.

Bravo.

Ladies, do you wanna see my personal favorite?

This is a real cave dweller.

Okay?

It's similar to Peter the Great,

the one that I showed you before, right?

They only differ in girth.

And I do have a pair with adjustable testicles

for that.

And the double dicks, they pull apart.

- Fuck. - Oh, my.

- Yeah. So, you can... - Boom, boom. Ba...

- Oh, sorry, ma'am. - Get out of here now, Nard.

Dude, I promise I won't sell my mom's dildo to you again.

- Get out of here now, Nard. - Ew, ew.

- Ladies, ladies... - Oh, Mrs. Williams.

- Dude, this is Jack's mom. - No, no, no, ladies.

These are not refurbished sex toys.

- Mrs. Williams? - Ladies...

That's Jack's mom, dude.

Oh, whoa, dude. Oh, okay.

- Before you cut off... - Get off of me.

There's something we found

that you might wanna take a look at.

We're here for a good cause.

It'll blow your mind.

Okay, did I hear you correctly?

You hit her with your car...

you brought her to your home,

and all she just wanted to do was start fucking both of you.

Yeah. I swear.

Yeah, that's exactly what happened.

And your problem is... what?

I turned her off before I even got to kiss her.

Yeah. Yeah, that face, that face.

It'd turn anyone off.

Ooh!

- Oh, my gosh. - Yeah, okay.

Ben, you don't have to go under the hood.

Relax. I'm looking for her ignition.

Got to be a way to turn this baby on.

Oh.

Wi-Fi.

Wi-Fi.

Of course. Wi-Fi.

Wi-Five.

Congratulations.

You boys are the proud owners

of a state-of-the-art, full-fledged fucking machine.

Oh, shit!

Ho-ho-ho. Boa constrictor of love.

Woo-hoo!

Hey, I hope you two love to read,

because this hot babe comes with her own bible.

What? Close your legs.

I didn't know you were so religious.

Okay.

So much for crawling up and dying in the woods.

- They found her? - Yeah.

A one Benjamin Benedict

is about to get a visit from us.

He's the owner of the Save On Sex.

How do you save on sex?

You get married.

"The Hot Bot is a learning computer.

The more she learns and loves, the more human she becomes.

Treat the Hot Bot the way

you ultimately want to be treated.

The more you give, the more you get."

- Hmm. - Nard, she's, like,

super sensitive to any incoming data.

She'll do exactly what we want.

That's good.

"She will begin to process original thoughts

with what she experiences.

She will form her own opinions."

Okay, that actually sucks,

because the second she finds out

who we really are,

she is not gonna wanna sleep with us.

Holy rosy palms.

"All major credit cards accepted."

Huffy, give me your credit card.

- Give me your credit card. - No. No way.

My dad was very clear

when he gave me the credit card.

- It is for an emergency only. - Huffy,

think about your virginity as an emergency.

- I do. - Then let's lose it.

Huffy, credit card.

- Put that thing in. - Slide it.

- Where? - Between her lips.

- Ooh, pussy lips? - Please be quiet.

- Okay. - Slide it.

- Just like that? - Yes, yes.

I don't wanna kill the moment,

but what's your expiration date?

June of 2017.

06/17 accepted.

Oh, boys, I'm all for joyriding,

but we've passed a Radisson,

a Motel 6, and an Extended Stay.

There's a Holiday Inn coming up

on your right, 0.6 miles.

$64 includes a free continental breakfast

- and Wi-Fi. - Wow.

- Navigation. - Yeah.

She's looking for a place to hump.

It's longer than the regular Bible.

That's 'cause it's more important

than the regular Bible.

- We have to read it. - Yeah, I know.

- You take half. - Okay.

Read it tonight.

I will probably be

a little bit too busy to read my half.

I hope you are, my friend of friends.

Thanks for the ride, Nard.

- You're welcome, Tard. - Gonna be with my lady now.

All right, cool.

Can't wait to see you Tuesday.

Study up, stud.

- To know me is to fuck me. - Ooh.

That's something a robot would say...

who wants to get fucked.

May I join the network Huffington House?

Wi-Fi.

- Yeah. - Password?

"Jesus love you," all caps.

I need to freshen up.

Is there a mode where we take our time?

Slow dance?

You're nervous.

- Slightly. - Don't be.

Nothing will happen unless you want it to.

Hey, pizza.

I didn't order a pizza.

I took care of it.

Limus?

Oh. You have company.

Who do we have here?

- A friend. - A friend?

Does your friend have a name?

- No. - Well, that's very exotic.

Is it Chinese? What does "no" mean?

- No means no. - I like you already.

Limus, do you understand our rule

about having no girls in your room?

Mom, please. You're being a cock block.

Limus, for heaven sakes. What did you just say to me?

He's implying that you're preventing his penis

from entering my vagina.

Well, thank you for breaking down

"cock block" for me. Come here.

Are you kidding me?

You just said cock block to me?

Are you out of your mind?

Come on.

It's like our house, but a little bit smaller.

I can hide you in here.

There's extra Rainbow Brite blankets

and a Care Bear pillow right there.

Nice. Is everything in here tiny?

No, not everything in here is tiny.

Is there a medical condition I should be aware of?

Asthma. I have asthma.

Your blood pressure is 170 over 60.

Breathe. Let's redirect your blood flow.

I'm trying, but if my dad finds out

that I'm playing around in my sister's playhouse,

he'll build me a doghouse to live in in the backyard.

- Doggy style it is, then. - Oh.

Limus! Suppertime.

Come and get it.

I have to go.

Take... Take this.

We'll call it the Huffy Hotline.

And I have the other one, and if you need anything,

call me and I'll be right back.

I'm gonna go.

What, are you going to get a snack, son?

Wow, that is the strangest thing.

I woke up in the stairwell.

Boy, you got three to get your ass up here.

- Thank God you found me. - One...

- I could have fallen. - Two...

Good morning.

I have to go to school.

I will be back at 3:15 p.m.

Stay here.

Don't leave.

Are you sure this is the right address?

It's what tech support gave me.

1289 Sparrow Way.

No, no, I think it's the wrong address, man.

There's no sex shop here. This is a strip mall.

Goddamn it, Gandhi.

- Hey. Snuff-a-huffagus. - Shh, shh, shh.

I'm trying to balance the pH.

- I'm simulating the house pool. - Well, now you don't have to.

Huffy, look at this, dude.

This is a real concern.

Now you put my chlorine levels all off.

- Oh, no. - Shh, shh, shh.

Stuff you'll never use in the real world.

Mr. Stupenski.

- Mr. Stupenski. - Yes, sir.

Would you like to share with the rest of the class

the material that seems

to have your undivided attention?

I am just reading

about how a synthetic vagina functions.

Interesting.

Oh, please, please, go on. Enlighten the class.

Okay. Uh, yeah, sure.

My concern is the moisture levels

when dealing with a plastic pussy.

Now, although there are reserves

for lubrication such as Astroglide,

you know, other lubrications like that,

I still feel like there might be the possibility

that you have to replace a cartridge

or, you know, something along those lines,

so if you stick your penis...

Okay, gentlemen,

let's continue this little debate

with Principal Burns.

Hmm?

- Hi. - Hi.

I was just in the neighborhood

and would love to talk to you about Jesus.

Have you considered letting the Lord inside?

Yes, I know it's personal information

because it's my personal information.

I don't think you understand what I'm saying.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Okay? I need the...

Do you see what I'm seeing?

Yes, I do.

If you bring X-rated material onto my campus again,

it won't be paper

you're putting into that shredder.

It already kind of feels like that.

What's the vagina?

Hello, welcome to Electric Beach.

Do you guys need a tan?

He does.

I stay on the right side, you stay on the left.

Oh, Lord, I love this book.

It has so many good stories. It's a must-read.

The Bible is God's cookbook.

He gives you the recipes for life.

What kind of recipes?

Like, "I ain't cookin' for no man

till he puts a ring on it."

Bro, do not pull my hair.

There's rules to roughing me up.

Yeah, where's the bot?

I don't know what you're talking about.

That's not the answer I was looking for.

Isn't that what everyone says?

Listen up, cool ranch.

Between the hardware and the software,

you've got close to 300 grand of ours.

I don't know where she is, I swear.

Well, I see there's a lot of things around here

to prod your memory.

We wouldn't want you to, you know, choke on a cock.

I just don't think he understands me.

Men.

Oh, shit.

You and I need to have a serious discussion.

Okay. We can go make out and talk.

About our relationship.

Okay, somebody pressed the wrong button.

Shaqobi, what are you doing?

Nothing. Just playing.

Okay.

Out. Shaqobi, out, out, out.

Hey, there.

So, what's up?

What's wrong, she was in my playhouse

when I got home.

Tell me everything you said to her, Shaqobi.

- I'm not telling you anything. - Please?

Sex is sacred.

Okay, well, sex is actually supposed to be fun.

And do you remember when we all met

and you were like, "Oh, let's all have sex,"

and then we all agreed?

Let's go back to that, please.

Fornication is not in the game of life.

Mm, the fornication

is the only game in life, sweetie.

So, let's get rid of this and this

- and definitely... - Fornication...

Definitely get rid of this.

And you stay here, 'cause we're gonna fix you.

Shaqobi, please.

That's fan-fucking-tastic, 'cause, uh,

church lady in there is talking about Jesus

and said that she played church

for the last three hours!

You put a virus in what I love.

If you don't tell me

exactly what you said to Bardot,

I am going to cut you,

bleed you, put you in a blender,

and then dump you down the toilet

so you can swim with the fishes, okay?

- I'm not kidding. - No!

- Run! Run, Shaqobi! - No! No!

That was not the answer.

That was not the correct answer.

- Don't hide in the dryer. - I will eat you alive!

Don't hide in the dryer again.

I will eat you alive!

I can reprogram her.

- Let me reprogram her. - You'd better!

Or I will reprogram my hit fist into your face!

Don't run away from me.

Do you believe

in the sacred bond of marriage?

I forgot how to breathe.

Why do you need to look at Nard...

Everything. I hate everything.

...when I ask you that question?

I'm trying to figure out where that question came from.

Do you not like what you see?

No, I like it.

If you liked it,

then you should've put a ring on it.

I gotta go.

See, the thing about that girl in Deep Throat

is that she had a clit in the back of her throat.

Yeah.

Think that's why Nixon got impeached?

Is that why they called him Tricky Dick?

Open up.

Open up.

There we go. Yeah.

Do you remember where she is now?

- Yes, you do? Okay. - Ah!

How'd you like that?

- Where is she? - Fuck off.

Okay.

No, no. Limus Huffington. Limus Huffington.

- Limus Huffington? Okay. - Limus Huffington, yeah. Yeah.

- Limus Huffington? - Put it in there.

No, I told you, I told you!

Yeah. We need all information on a Limus Huffington.

Mm-hmm. Everything.

Honestly, you shouldn't buy her

a diamond ring.

It encourages terrible behavior.

I think if I get her a ring,

she'll think it's okay to have sex with me.

I don't think it will ever be okay

to have sex with you, okay?

Could I get a pretzel...

Two pretzels.

- A birthday cake... - And a blue thing.

- Birthday cake. - Blue thing.

Yeah, the two blue things.

Oh, shit.

What...

You...

Are you...

What?

Tell me this is a hooker doing community service.

This is... Where'd you come from, girl?

Hey, Limus.

- What are you doing? - Hey. Hi.

Where's Rodney?

I don't know. Playing basketball somewhere.

Fuck.

Rodney's playing with Bardot.

Are you their babysitter? Is that how this works?

If they play nice, do you fuck them, or...

"The body is not meant for immorality,

but for the Lord and the Lord for the body."

- Corinthians 6:13. - Pardon me.

She's ours, Rodney.

Dude, calm down, man. You gotta just...

This guy is high-strung as a motherfucker.

Am I wrong?

She's ours, you fucktard.

Nah, no, don't think so, homies.

Why does your fucking hand smell like asshole?

I'm talking to your babysitter.

Listen, sweetie, I got a party this weekend.

I want you to come.

It's gonna be a fucking rage brigade.

You can sip on some Jesus juice

with us. Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna give you my card here.

I got a little invitation for you.

You know what I'm sayin'?

You call me when you wanna get wet.

All right?

I'll see you boys.

Two years. Two years, and that guy peaks.

Two years.

He's trying to tell you that his penis

is 15 inches long?

It's fucking six inches, max.

He's bad. You stay away from him.

If you believe in God,

he's the devil.

- Hey, it's Benny. - Benny.

All right, they want their property back.

What are you talking about?

I was just totally mouth-raped by the FBI

because they thought I had Bardot.

No one's after Bardot, you dumb weirdo.

I'm fucking serious!

What do you mean?

I told them you guys have Bardot,

so you boners better bail if you wanna keep her.

Okay, well, do you know what they look like?

Like two guys that wanna remove

your remaining testicle

with a pair of pruning shears.

Oh, sh...

Bardot, I realize

that you're trying to get into heaven,

but I could really use

some directional help right now.

I thought you'd never ask. Go left.

- When? - Now.

In 0.1 miles, make a sharp right.

Bardot, there is no right. What are you talking about?

I didn't get the latest download.

- Fuck! - Get 'em.

Yeah!

Lost 'em, bitch. Oh, fuck, no, I didn't.

Oh, my God.

I hope you got a paddle.

What? Why?

'Cause we're up shit's creek.

It's the senator.

Koontz.

I'm not kidding. Yeah.

Let's get... I got a room.

- Let's go, man. - Okay, cool, man.

Who were they? What did those men want?

They want you.

Me? Why? What do they want with me?

Do you want me for the same reasons

as those men do?

No. No.

- It's completely different. - How?

Because I like you.

It's safer for you to stay here for the night.

- Benny's gonna stay with you. - Where are you going?

I have to go to dinner with my family.

Really?

Yeah.

If I don't go, it'll...

be my last supper.

And I'll, um...

I'll see you tomorrow.

♪ Benny, back it up ♪

♪ Benny, back it up ♪

Is she still totally freaked out?

Yeah.

- Long day. - Yeah.

You know, I think

between downloading God and being chased by the feds,

- her wires are all crossed. - Yeah.

She's gonna sleep like a puffed pastry tonight.

Sleep?

Benny, there's one bed in the bedroom.

The bed is for Bardot. You sleep in the bathtub.

I know your balls aren't manufacturing glue yet,

mine are.

If I wanna drop a little paste, I will.

Benny, your glue stick

gets anywhere close to our girl,

and I will cut that shit off and stick it to your head.

And I'll glue your asshole shut.

- Really? Really? - Really. Really.

- Yeah. - Really.

- Really. - Yeah, well, she's not real,

- fucker, is she? - Yeah, well,

neither is Boba Fett, fucker.

Fuck. Ow. Dude.

Benny.

- That's sacred ground. - Okay.

- Step off. - Okay, I'm off.

I'm off. I'm off.

Just take Huffy home, all right?

- She's gonna be fine. - Fucking work it out, man.

Suck on your mom's tits or something.

Trust me, all right?

You know, I know a thing or two

about fixing sex toys.

Yeah, but you don't know a thing or two

about being fucking friends.

I'm gonna ask you a series of questions.

Just relax and answer them as simply as you can.

Do you mind if I smoke?

It won't affect the test.

A good senator needs to be

both an outsider and an insider,

and I have been these things.

A good senator must know when to cry and when to laugh,

and I have done these things.

This is crap.

Caroline, rewrite this whole piece of shit

before the rally, okay?

We're gonna make mo...

Hey. There they are.

Look who's here. All right.

The retarded men in black.

Don't speak. Three days. Three days.

Would you do something right, for crying...

FBI? Fucking Blowhard Idiots?

Tell me... Tell me you know where she is.

Don't tell me, though, just nod.

Do you know where she is?

Help me. Do you know who took her?

You know who took her, right?

Sort of.

Well, that's a big step forward.

All right. Why don't we go there?

You take me to him, okay?

Maybe now would be good. Or I could take you,

except that I don't know where the fuck he is, do I?

This is why government doesn't work.

This is delicious, honey.

Thank you.

- I love it. - Thank you, Shaqobi.

- It's so good. - Sit down.

- Sit down and eat your food. - Sorry, I'm late.

- Sit down, eat your food. - That's it?

He's not in trouble?

- What if I said I was late? - Young lady,

if I ever hear you say that you're late,

and that your monthly friend...

Hey, hey, hey.

No babies until you're 39.

- Do you understand me? - Okay.

Thirty-nine.

- All right. - You get yourself a career.

You get yourself a good job, and then you can have a baby.

But until then, I don't wanna hear

nothing about late nothing.

First comes love, then comes marriage.

Then comes a baby in a baby carriage.

- You understand me? - Mm-hmm.

I think that was a little bit of transference.

I think.

- I just wanna pray on this. - Okay.

Come on. Take your mama's hand.

- I'm not taking her hand. - Take your mama's hand.

I don't appreciate this rebellion.

Not one bit.

- I... - Don't give us another excuse.

Son, I'm dead serious.

I don't understand where this is coming from.

Facebook.

- It's the Internet. - It's the Internet.

And your P-O-R-N.

Don't think we don't know about that.

But I don't appreciate the hot-pants lady.

She doesn't usually wear pants.

That is it. That is it.

It won't happen again. Come here.

Stop.

Hi, kiddo. Senator Biter.

How are you?

Don't-Don't-Don't get up.

All right, I came to tell you

a little bedtime story, but first:

crunchy sock.

How many times have you... discharged into this one?

- It's not mine. - Come on, don't do that.

Don't do that. It's yours.

We both know it. I know it and you know it.

What my dilemma was when I was your age

was wash it or throw it out?

What do you do?

It depends...

on if I find a replacement.

I only use socks that don't have partners.

This is gonna make you laugh.

I did the same thing. I'm serious.

My hand to God. How about that, huh?

You and I, we...

drop our loads into orphan socks.

You remind me of me when I was your age.

Mm. Takes me back.

Multiple erections every day.

I was ugly, much like yourself.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

I always knew that no woman would ever...

satisfy my needs.

One of the things I used to do,

I used to put my pecker into a cantaloupe.

Don't, I'm... I bet you didn't know that.

It's absolutely true.

You put it an oven for a half hour.

The cantaloupe, not my pecker.

A half hour... At 250, by the way.

350, now, you're cooking it.

But no one's helped by that.

Half hour, 250. Nice.

Cut your hole.

Go to work.

I tell you something, Limus.

Every time I would mount that cantaloupe,

I used to wonder

what a warm vagina felt like.

I still wonder.

Oh, yeah.

Bring Bardot back.

No, no, no, no, no, I want you

to bring Bardot back, Limus, okay?

I know you're gonna do this thing for me,

because this little talk

has gone far better than I thought.

You and I are birds of a feather, okay?

So, I want you to bring her back, all right?

And then that's the end of the bedtime story,

so there's nothing to worry about.

Bring her back first thing tomorrow, okay?

All right.

Now, put your head back and go to sleep.

I'll tuck you in.

There you go. Come on, now.

Here's something my dad never did.

Here's something we used to do all the time.

Bring her back. How about that, huh?

How about that?

You bring her back. How about that, huh?

You bring her back.

There's a happy ending for everyone.

What would you like us to do?

Get smarter fast.

In place of that, stay here, keep an eye out.

First thing in the morning, he's gonna take you to her.

Then kill him.

No, wait.

Nah.

I want to kill him. Bring him by the house.

No funny business, you two.

I tried to fix her, man,

but the problem is,

she doesn't know she's a robot.

What do you mean she doesn't know?

Yes, she does, Benny. Quit it.

I'm telling you, she doesn't know, man.

Maybe-Maybe she did. I don't know.

I can't blame her. Yeah, yeah, and she's fast.

- What? - Yes.

- She's perfect. - You can't tell her.

- Nobody's gonna tell her. - Okay, just relax.

I don't think we're gonna tell her.

I think what we need to do is chemistry.

Relax. Relax.

I don't think anyone's gonna tell her.

Oh, fuck.

I really wish we had an invisible cloak right now.

Mm.

Yeah, room 15, please.

There's got to be fucking 40 guys out there.

Oh.

Hey, my style of kung fu can only drop a dozen men.

- We have no chance. - Then we all die together.

You would die for me?

Huffy, I totally admire

your Bonnie and Clyde bit,

but coming from you, it sounds totally stupid.

I'm bold, and she's beautiful, and they're not getting her.

Yeah, hi, guys.

So, we know you're in there.

Why don't you come on out with your hands up, okay?

With their hands up?

Original.

- We're not giving her up. - Okay. All right.

Relax. Hey, motherfucker, this is what we're gonna need.

He wants to talk to you.

He wants to place an order.

Yello?

Three Twistee Treats, three Cokes.

- Do you guys want a pizza? - What the...

And one giant pizza. One extra-large pizza.

- What? - This is now

a hostage situation.

We make demands, and they meet them.

So, you order Twistee Treats?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Really? - Hey.

It's a cheap last meal.

That's a good point.

After they bring the ice cream,

we're not giving her back.

Look, I totally understand the love connection

between you both, but...

No. No, no, no.

Shh. Yes.

Motherfucker, how hard is it to get Coke and pizzas?

Okay? Bullshit!

It's not caviar and filet mignon.

That's it. That's it. I am fucking pissed off.

You know what they're doing?

They're fucking trying to smoke us out.

They are trying to fuck with us

until we break.

No, no, no. Spoon Huff or something.

Let me get this.

You made your point

with the "caviar and the filet mignon" line.

Yeah?

Listen. You come outside and you get these cones,

or in two minutes I'm sending all my men in,

and we're gonna separate you from your cocks.

Permanently!

They want us to come get our ice cream.

It's pretty good.

- Is it? - Yep.

The sprinkle's delightful.

Mmm.

Whoo. Whoo.

- Brain freeze. - Whoo.

I don't want to have

to go through this again, all right?

- Do you have the plan? - Yes, we have the plan.

In the eyes, do you have the plan?

You go and kick some ass.

And we provide moral encouragement

- from the sideline. - Get your hands in.

- Leave me on the top. - Okay.

I'm gonna pick the mantra.

♪ Everybody fight, fight, fight ♪

- ♪ Kung fu fight ♪ - All right, good one.

Kung fu, don't fail me now.

Hey, Benny. Ready to return our property?

Hyah.

Oh, B-B-Benny.

Esophagus assault.

Come on out, bitch. Pour some sugar on me.

Mm-hmm, how many moves you think

it's gonna take me to snap your neck?

One.

Oh, fuck.

Does the name Frazier ring a bell?

That, um, changes everything.

- Yeah. - Drastically.

Um... All right, well,

let's just leave through the bathroom.

Oh, shit.

Uh, okay. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.

Okay, um, I'm gonna lock myself

in my car, so...

You familiar with Elian Gonzalez?

I am.

Let's go, Bardot.

What an unfortunate mustache.

- Okay. - Benny?

- Check this out. Whoo-hoo. - Bye, Benny.

♪ Time to get in, Tetris style ♪

Let's go.

Fuck. We can't breathe, butthole.

I need my inhaler.

Oh, that was nice of them.

Thanks for the glory hole, bitch.

Let go of me.

You're in no position to make demands.

And what position would that be?

Whoa.

- What's going on? - Whoa.

- Whoa. - Let me see.

She's winning? She's winning.

- Is she alive? - Bardot! Bardot.

It's too dangerous for you boys

to be around me.

I'm sorry. I have to go.

Hey! Bardot!

She's walking away.

- Oh, dude, a chain saw. - Bardot, I mean...

Where are you going?

Where are you going?

Bardot!

Bardot!

Okay, okay, okay. Just get out.

Should we castrate each other

or let the senator do it?

Koontz.

Looks like the bot wants to bang a customer.

I wish all girls were wired like this.

She just walked off.

- Why? - I don't know,

but how about this? I'll batter up for you,

because if Dick sees you frying tears,

you know how that's gonna end.

Batter up, bitch.

You sick little fuckers.

- Oh, what the fuck? - Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, she's mine now. - What did you do to her?

Everything you couldn't.

Where are you going?

Asshole.

Better to have loved and lost, right?

You okay?

I've never felt this kind of pain before.

- We need to get her back. - How?

Rodney's party.

You know that pubic hair

around your butthole?

Say good-bye to it.

- Limus. - Hey.

I just walked in on Rodney cheating on me

- with that totally fake girl. - What the fuck?

Oh, fuck.

- You're at my fucking party? - You only raped a robot.

Come here, boys. You fucking get the fuck out.

Oh, shit.

We thought it was an open party.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck you, boys.

One, two.

That's right.

- You fucking bitch. - Leave my boys alone.

Oh.

Next time, pick on boys your own size.

Come on, boys. I'm driving.

She's with us.

Honey, are you okay?

Oh, my gosh. You have so many SkyMiles.

500,000.

- We could go to Kuala Lumpur. - Uh-uh. Look right there.

"Amount due: $76,000."

- What have you been buying? - I don't know.

Who's going to the Colonial Motel?

It's not me!

"Colonial Motel." Go on, look at that. Bang.

I think somebody might have stolen my identity, baby.

Somebody stole my identity.

And who are they with, with your identity?

- Colonial Motel. - Baby,

- That place is... - Ain't nobody humping around.

- Ain't nobody humping around. - You mother...

Listen. It's not me. It's not me.

As a matter of fact, is it you?

Have you been to the Colonial Motel?

Not in a long time.

Just to let you know,

- the men in black are back. - What?

Who knew she could drive?

Thank you. Can you freeze my account

until I figure out where these charges came from?

I really appreciate that. Thank you very much.

Praise God. Praise God.

Fuck.

I told you she'd fucking crash.

Hey.

You would die for me?

Praise the Lord you boys

were not hurt in that accident.

Now, would either one of you boys

care to explain the $76,000

worth of charges to Hot Bot Incorporated

and a $1,000 motel bill?

- No. - I... It's obvious

the boys are in love with each other.

Well, you could not be more wrong, Mom.

You're actually a fucking idiot.

I am gonna graduate you to a fist fuck

if you don't show some respect for your fucking mother.

- Evil. - Okay, whoa.

Don't you think that's a tad harsh?

You know, if your son's stick is in my son's mud,

I don't think a fist is all that harsh.

I'm gonna agree with you there.

I think we all should embrace

our sons' love for each other.

- Oh, Christ. - And language such as that

is not going to be tolerated.

Yes, I totally agree.

And if you two want to hold each other's hands, it's okay.

Mom, I don't love Nard in that way.

So what you're saying is that it's just a sexual thing?

And I totally get that.

- Oh, absolutely. - I get it.

In camp, there weren't a lot of girls.

We'd go on long hikes, and sometimes wake tip-to-tip.

- Tip-to-tip. - Tip-to-tip.

- What? - Pink tip. Sometimes...

We're just here to support you, okay?

And Limus, I don't even care

that you've been going in my closet

and taking some of my clothes.

You're probably wearing them

and doing that dress-up thing...

- Mom, no. - ...that you do.

It's not like that.

Aw, son. You play the bitch?

I don't... Oh, my God.

Dad, please stop using Google

and thinking that you know everything.

Mom, I appreciate that you're very supportive,

but you're very fucking wrong.

You too. You all are dumb parents.

And the fact that you touched tips

when you were a kid is fucking weird.

Okay? We're just best friends trying to hang out,

and we get beat up by assholes.

So, just give us a fucking break!

I'd like to say that I agree with him.

- That was fucked. - That was brutal.

Cool guy.

You two, take a moment.

You're not gonna see each other for a while.

How bad are you gonna get it?

Let's just say this, man.

I have an asshole

that my dad could tear up, make it really painful.

But, because he's a terrible, terrible human being,

he's gonna rip me a new one.

I'm gonna be pooping double.

Hey, man, I'm really sorry about all of this.

All right, man, um, I'm gonna head out,

and, well, I guess I'll talk to you.

Fuck.

Talk to you tomorrow, probably?

I'll, uh... I'll text you.

Yep.

Minor software damage

with exterior cosmetic work.

Is she suffering?

I'm not.

Wipe her clean.

You hear what I'm saying? Wipe her clean.

I don't want her to have any memory of what happened.

Oh, God.

And don't leave her alone.

He does know she's a robot, right?

Asshole.

Just fucking do that.

You are kicking my ass.

Hey.

You okay, Limus?

You know how some people fall in love with their cars?

I fell in love with a robot.

Rodney always loved my car more than he loved me.

That's a really nice car.

Okay.

Rodney and I are done.

Hooray.

I know how you feel.

She really messed with both of our lives.

Yeah, I know.

I miss hanging with you, Huffy.

Me too.

Top secret?

I still love Star Trek.

I have the original Enterprise blueprints.

Are you kidding me?

I think I bid on those on eBay.

I beat you.

Can I see them?

I'll even take them out of the frame.

No. Oh, my God.

Baby, they just sent more junk for my junk.

This one right here is offering five inches

for the price of two.

I don't need five extra inches, do I?

God, no, you don't.

Praise the Lord, no.

Limus!

Li... Li, hey.

Uh, you brought this smut in my house,

I want you to get it out right now.

Okay.

Son, you know I handle a lot of people's baggage

every day, right?

Some big, some small,

some heavier than a dead donkey.

Okay.

I'm telling you this because I want you to know

that I can handle any baggage you give me.

You understand what I'm saying?

I can handle any baggage you give me, son.

- Thanks, Dad. - Take the trash out.

Yeah.

Oh, you know what? I'm gonna keep this.

I might have to go monster on your momma's ass now.

Okay. That's my cue to go.

- Your momma's a freak, boy. - Dad, stop.

- No, no. - You need to recognize

that your momma is a freak.

"Senator Biter cordially invites you

to join him as he introduces the future."

All right.

Let's do it.

My Lincoln beard itches.

Your Lincoln beard

looks like a merkin.

A Lincoln beard is a merkin.

When I was in Congress,

I wasn't in it for me, I was in it for you.

And when I joined the Senate

and soon to be the four-term senator

when you reelect me...

when you reelect me soon,

I won't be in it for me, I'll be in it for you.

And when I become president of the United States,

and I will become president

of the United States,

it won't be for me, it'll be for you.

Well, it'll be for me a little.

What the fuck is this place?

His guest bedroom, maybe?

It looks like a place people get raped.

- Yeah. - ...in our schools

Even when these things are important.

- Yeah, we should go. - They're not important,

not against what you're about to see now,

because I'm going to show you the future,

and the future is beautiful.

Oh, shit. Dude.

Bardot.

Come on. I came to emancipate you.

Bardot, come on. It's me, Huffy.

Oh, shit.

I don't think she remembers you, man.

I think she's been completely wiped.

Let's just grab her, and let's go, okay?

We'll figure it out.

Limus?

I was completely wrong.

- Hey, look what we have here. - Shit.

You look really nice. Okay.

I give to you

the greatest gift of all.

The future.

My friends, please welcome my friend,

the future.

Bardot.

Fuck. Oh.

Fucking... You knocked off my merkin.

- Okay. - Hold them up.

We could've been friends, man.

We totally could've been...

- Benny! - Death by double dildo.

Sit. Don't move.

Put the dicks down.

- Sit down. - Oh, come on.

- You really wanna do this? - Yeah, bring on the dick.

Come on. That's it?

Come on, bring it. Bring the dick.

Look at that.

Come on.

Come on, get that out of your system

- and stop doing stupid shit - Sys-Sys-System lock.

Like this, really.

Let's go.

Put those dicks in your pants and come on.

- Ah. - Ooh.

- See you guys later. - What? Hold up.

Run.

Cover your eyes. This ain't gonna be pretty.

Gross and awesome at the same time.

I have no idea where we're going

or what we're doing next.

- Anyone? - We're going to the airport.

Airport.

Why are we going to the airport?

Because if I can't have you,

they can't have you.

- Where am I going? - Somewhere where

they won't be able to find you.

How?

I think 500,000 frequent-flier miles

should do the trick.

Unloading on deck only.

Dad?

Let's get you guys to your gate, okay?

Come on.

Let's get you to your gate. Let's go.

Bye.

Boy, you look good. Way to go.

Goddamn, boy.

Sir, remove your shoes.

Hey, hey, man, I have an earpiece, all right?

That lets me get through here.

And that and the jacket.

- Oh, whoa, hey, hey. - No problem, guys.

Okay. Taking my shoes off. Taking my shoes off.

All right?

Well...

I guess this is goodbye.

Minus the good part.

Thank you, Limus.

Hey, I'm gonna be okay.

I know that. I know you will.

I'm sorry.

I, um...

love... Fell in...

I think...

With me?

The feeling is real.

Yes, it is.

I didn't think I could do that.

Cry?

Fall in love.

How was that?

The best thing I ever felt in my whole life.

Attention passengers.

Flight 16...

Own it.

Own what?

Your first everything.

Own it. I do.

You do?

Keep it real.

Batter, batter, batter up. Can I take your order?

Hello? Can I take your order?

Yeah, I was looking at the menu,

and I didn't see anything I wanted.

What do you want?

A date with Limus Huffington.

Ooh, and a donut.

Hi.

Well, jump in the cockpit, motherfucker.

Can you handle the deep fryer?

- You know I can. - I'll miss you.

Jump in.

Han Solo

jumps in the Millennium Falcon.

- Hi. - Hi.

And my donut?

Oh, sh...

I think he's had a heart attack.

And we're writing a song.

We're writing a song together.

It's called "Boot."

It goes... Let's just sing it.

♪ Damn, girl ♪

♪ Da booty don't stop ♪

Let's just stop the moping around the house

'cause I can't take it anymore.

It's disgusting.

It not... It doesn't please your mom.

I don't like it either.

I haven't had pussy in a long time.

Okay.

It's empowerment.

Female empowerment.

Okay.

Women don't need to be empowered.

Just stop it.

No.

- I'm gonna throw up. - Why?

Who did that? Zack.

- No. Did you fart? - Oh, did you fart?

- I didn't fart. - No, I'm keeping this

- locked up. - What is wrong

with you fucking people?

Comedies are harder than dramas.

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