Original subtitles

- Hi. - Hey.

Can I help you?

I'm a lawyer.

- Oh! - Yeah.

- Okay, cool. Good for you. - Yeah. It's pretty cool.

- You like it? - Yeah, I like it.

Is... I mean, I'm sorry... What are you doing here? Can I help you?

Um... I have this for you.

Um, it's Derek.

- And... - This is a person?

- It's a person. - These are ashes!!

- It's a full person. Um... - What? What? No, wait.

Why are these... I don't... Who is this? Who's Derek?

Anderson. That... that's Derek Anderson.

- Derek Anderson's dead? - Yes.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

- That's amazing! - What? Wait... - Whoa...

No! Sorry. Oh, I'm sorry, that's rude.

- Very rude. - He just...

Look, we used to be friends... I hate his guts... I hated... his guts... his guts!

I hated him. He ruined my life. He did something terrible...

I haven't talked to him in twelve years. No, I don't care.

Oh, I don't care at all, that's incredible!

Okay, but you have to.

I don't have to. I don't... If I don't want to, I can just... here, take 'em.

I'm a lawyer, so you... you have to.

Are you saying I legally have to spread these ashes?

Yeah, you legally have to spread the ashes. With Harry. Your... your friend Harry.

- Harry Davis? - Yeah.

No! No! I hate Harry more than I hate Derek!

I haven't talked to him in twelve years, either!

I'm not gonna spread his ashes with Harry!

Are you kidding me?

- Well, I told you, you have to. - I don't think that's real.

It's real.

You sound like you don't understand law!

How long have you even been a lawyer?

I don't... Ugh. Like, twenty, twenty, twenty, um...

- Twenty, twenty-five years. - Twenty to twenty-five years.

- Twe... Twenty to twenty-five and a half years or something. - That's insane. How old are you?

I'm like forty-nine.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

I'm sorry, no, I'm sorry to be... No, you look amazing!

- No, I'm just saying, like, you look much younger than 49. - Thank you. Thank you.

- Congratulations. - You know what it is?

You stay, uh... You get a lotta sunlight.

If you just kinda bake a little bit... Um...

- I feel like it's the opp... no. - No, no, no, no.

Like... You just... You... The sun really keeps you young.

- I think it's... - And looking into it.

Well, thank you for everything. I'm gonna throw these in the trash, okay?

Okay. Bye.

I...

Oh! Come on... What the f...

Put your fuckin' picture on the top of the...

God damn it.

No, I just... I...

No. No. No.

- Luke-ay, Luke-ay, Luke-ay! - Trevor.

- What's up, my man, how's it goin'? - Good, dude. How you doing?

Dude, what the fuck? Are you looking at fucking porn, you fucking horn dog, at work?

I... I'm doing my job, man! This is the Walmart... Chicks of Walmart thing!

I'm jerkin' your dick, my guy!

- Dude, what is this? Seriously? - Ya got me.

This is the Walmart one. This is the 33 hottest chicks ever spotted at Walmart.

Oh! Fuck yeah, dude, let me see this. Oh, my God...

- Yeah, go ahead. - Fuck!

- Shit! - Right. With the... Yeah.

- Fuck! - Right.

- Shit! - Yeah, that one.

God damn it, dude. This is gonna get a lotta clicks.

It's a good one! Yeah. I'm just wrappin' it up, and then...

Dude, this'll get a ton... And I'm... Most of them by... most of them by me!

We get all our clicks from you?

- No, not all of them... - All the clicks for your...

You get a lot of 'em! I fucking love the stuff we put up here, man.

- That's why I'm doing this, that's why I'm makin' this. - Yeah!

Hey, if you love your work, that's, um... that's good, man,

I'm proud of... I... just... just...

Oh! Also... So, like, shit's gettin', like, political and stuff.

All that boring stuff, everyone's angry about I don't even know what.

So, I think for the next one, you should do, like, a, uh, political click thing.

- Um, yeah. - Sure. Sure.

- Election coming up. Talk about the candidates. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, no, but like... buzz words. Like, to, like set people off.

- Get them to, like, click. - Mmm.

I don't know, like, uh... Russians. Or immigrants.

- Or, um... - Right.

- what are they called terrorists? Or Muslims. - Hmm! Terrorist Muslims.

Yeah, just make it, like, pretty like...

What's it called, like, uh... propaganda-y.

- You want me to make propaganda? - Yeah!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - For your clickbait site? - Yeah.

- I think that'll be... I think that'll, like... - Yeah!

No, I can get right on that.

I can make some terrorist Muslim propaganda.

- And that'll get some clicks for ya. - Yes!

- That's what I'm talkin' about. - Right next to hottest chicks at Walmart.

Dude, this is why you're my fuckin' favorite employee. I'm not even kidding, man.

Yeah. Thanks, man. Yeah, really happy to be here.

Cool.

I'm gonna go, uh, check out the 33 hottest chicks ever spotted at Walmart!

- In my office! - Just don't... Okay.

- If you hear any weird noises... - I'm not comin' in.

You don't come in.

Maybe I'll, uh, slip through the blinds.

Give you... give you a wink! A thumbs up.

- No... I'd rather you didn't. I'd rather you didn't. - I'm kiddin' dude!

- I'm jerkin' your fuckin'. Dick... - All right!

- All right, dude... - That's a good one, man! Jerkin' off in the office.

- Always funny. - Dude, this is a small office.

- It is, isn't it? - All right, see ya, man.

How do you make propaganda?

Did you ever watch any of those Twilight movies?

- Yeah, yeah. - Aye, Luke!

- What's up, guys? - Aye, man, can you check if one of those packages is for me?

Yeah! Of course. What are you guys? Are you three?

- What apartment are you? - Oh, just check by the name, man.

- You know his name. - Yeah! No, of course. Name...

- Just the name, right? - Yeah.

Uh... Oh, weird, these labels are all... can you even tell where the names are on there?

- Wow, man. Come on. - I can't even...

- You don't know my name? - Oh, no!

- You don't know my name! - I know your name. Come on.

I thought you didn't know my name. You don't know my name, man!

I know your name. I know your name. No, I know your name.

- It's... Yeah, no, I know your name. - That's really fucked up, man.

- Oh, you know my name? - Yeah! - What's my name?

- Dave! - You see that, Dave?

- No! It's Greg, man! - Greg! Ohh.

- Greg! - No.

- Wow. Dave? - You know what it is?

Well, four letters. Same four letters.

And then, I know another guy. I know a dude named Dave who's kind of a strong guy like you.

All right, all right, all right, that's true.

You know, a strong, bald guy.

- This is kind of rude, man! - Yeah, of course! No.

- Kinda mean! - I know, I'm just...

You're like a... You're a bad neighbor.

Okay. Well... I mean... I'm just bad with names.

Everybody in the building doesn't like you, man. Everybody kinda hates you.

Nobody in the building likes me?

Yeah! Cause you kinda... You do this bullshit, man.

Oh, so you guys all meet up and just talk about which neighbors you don't like.

- Oh, yeah, Luke sucks, Luke sucks. - Yeah! We have parties!

- Yeah, yeah. - You're invited to the parties!

Okay, and I don't have to go if I don't want to!

It's not my responsibility to be your friend.

- As a neighbor. - Wow!

I'm not being rude. I'm not being a jerk.

I just don't know you that well. That's fine. That's my right.

- Oof. - I can do my thing, you guys do your thing,

whatever that may be! Have your fun.

- Oh, whoa, what does that mean? - Whatever that may be?

I just... It doesn't mean anything. It's just: do your thing!

Do your thing... Okay, well... Okay, we do our thing, uh...

who, who... who is this?

That's... Rod, right?

Wow, of course! Of course. Of course... of course you know his name.

- Really? Wow. - Well, it's the hair or somethin'. Rod...

Of course, he knows my name.

I'm tellin' you... That's what I'm sayin'!

I don't know, sometimes I'm good, sometimes I'm not.

This is real... this is real fucked up, man.

- You got some real deep, dark issues that you need to... - Okay.

- I don't even know what to say to you, man. - Yeah! No, okay. I mean...

Just... stop bein' a bad person.

Okay, I'll work on it. I'm sorry, uh... shit.

- It's Greg, man! - Greg! Yes! Greg. Sorry.

Greg. One G.

I got it. I'll see ya, Greg, uh... See ya, Rod.

Jesus Christ!

Fuck!

You are gonna be a good lime one day.

You have been visited by the bug fairy.

Harry, what are you doin'?

what are you doing... What is this? Luke!

- Were you polishing those limes, dude? - No! I'm not...

I'm not polishing the limes, I'm just...

- I'm just cleaning them, there's bugs... - Oh, you're cleaning 'em.

It's the first thing that people see when they come to my house!

I don't want bugs on my limes, and...

Oh, sure, because if they see dirty limes they might turn around and not come in.

What are you doing here? Is this, like, some kind of... amends thing?

Oh, an amends thing, sure, cause I must be an alcoholic, right?

I'm doing the twelve steps, is that what it is?

And wait a minute, what the hell do I even have to make amends for?

I mean, you slashed my tires. That was kinda fucked up. Ya know?

- So? - I missed a job interview.

- Oh, so what? - Kinda changed my whole career path.

Who cares, man? You got another fuckin' job, it wasn't that big a deal.

You ruined my chances with Lindsay, dude, she was the girl of my fucking dreams.

Oh, my God, the girl of your dreams?

You had like a million of those. Who cares?

That... No, I maybe had a few, but she was the big, she was it, man.

- The number one. - She was number one!

And you ruined my chances 'cause she was fucking disgusted with me

after I threw up in front of the entire party,

because for some reason, my two best friends dared me to eat 50 eggs at the party!

Yeah, for some reason. You ever heard of a dare that you just don't do, Luke?

- You ever just don't do the dare? - No. Honestly, no!

You know why we did it? 'Cause you kept talking about "Cool Hand Luke",

and he eats all the eggs in the movie,

- and you're like "I could do that, that's easy." - I could do that. It is easy.

- Yeah, well, that's why we dared you, stupid! - No.

Listen, and we all know why you brought it up all the time.

You kept saying, "Oh, the cinematography in the movie's great."

It is. It's shot really well.

You brought it up because you wanted us to call you "Cool Hand Luke."

Oh, yeah, like that's such a... such a sin! It's a cool nickname!

- So what? I wanted a cool nickname! - Yeah!

I know it's a cool nickname. That's why they named a movie after it.

It's lame to wanna give yourself a nickname, it's gotta happen organically.

OK, yeah. Right. Sure. So that's so much worse than you calling your car "The Honey Wagon!"

No, that's way different, that's a car!

Cars can't name themselves, I have to do it.

- Cars don't need names! - Everybody does it!

So what? But "The Honey Wagon?"! That's a stupid name!

Luke, it's golden! It's the color of golden honey!

Okay. First of all; nobody thinks of honey as a color.

Second of all; golden is cooler! Name it something gold!

The gold... Car... The gold... You know.

- You're terrible at this. See! This is why... - Goldmobile.

Goldmobile! Goldmobile is already better.

Yeah, that's an awful nickname. "The Honey Wagon" is great.

Goldmember. Goldmember!

- It had just come out! - I don't hate that.

- But it's still... - Goldmember woulda worked.

Yeah, okay. Well, listen, I don't... miss this at all!

So... what's up? What's the... What the hell is this?

This isn't why I came here. I just...

Derek's dead.

Derek died.

- An... Derek Anderson. - Yeah.

Oh. That's, uh...

- So what? - Yeah! "So what?"

It's a little so what, right? That's kinda how I reacted.

Here's where it gets interesting:

He, specifically, left instructions for you and me to spread his ashes together.

No.

No, I don't... I don't wanna do that.

I thought you might say that. I didn't wanna do it either.

But, look, man... Here's what I'm thinkin'.

Clearly, there's a lot of animosity left between us.

I think we could look at this as a closure thing.

I think there's a big karma factor involved!

Giving a dead man his last wishes, we don't wanna fuck with that.

- Come on... - So, look, I think we just go do this,

this place is only a couple of hours away.

Bang it out, drop the ashes, no karma,

we can say goodbye forever, never have to speak to each other again.

All right! All right, shut up. Ya got me! Ya know I'm a karma guy.

I do know you're a karma guy. I thought that might work.

All right, give me like five minutes.

I gotta go change out of my play clothes, okay?

- Your play clothes? - Yeah! You know what?

Listen... give me six minutes.

Oh, you need six minutes! Sure, sure, sure.

- Wait by The Honey Wagon, okay? - Take your time.

- You still have The Honey Wagon? - Yeah.

- That's pathetic! - No, it's not.

I know I can do it, man. Fifty eggs in an hour? I could fuckin' do that.

- No problem, dude. - Who cares? I don't care.

I know you don't care, dude, that's what's the problem! It's pissin' me off!

I don't see why that's a problem at all.

What? It's a huge problem! Okay?

It's a huge problem that you don't care, 'cause it would be fuckin' cool.

Don't you realize how cool it would be if I actually pulled it off?

If I ate fifty eggs in an hour?

And that it's... it's shitty... that you... that you don't care. 'Cause that would be cool.

And what you're really saying is that you don't think I can do it.

And that's what really fucking gets me heated!

- No, I don't think you can do it. - I know you don't!

I saw you try! You didn't do it.

- Thank you for finally saying it, at least. - Ya didn't do it!

That time doesn't fucking count! We've already...

Man, fuckin' Joey Chestnut ate a 141 eggs in eight minutes!

Hundred forty-one in eight! You think I can't do fifty in an hour?

You're outta your mind if you think that's true. Ya fuckin' lunatic.

- Who the hell is Joey Chestnut? - Who? You don't know who Joey Chestnut is?

No.

He's the most famous professional eater in the world, dude!

He's the king of the... king of the sport!

More famous than Kobayashi?

Oh, don't gimme Kobayashi! Kobayashi can suck a fat one, dude.

That guy's a loser. He cheated!

He's a hack, he cheated, he got kicked outta the whole league, man.

- He's not even allowed back. - Well, this is news to me.

Well, yeah, you don't even know who Joey Chestnut is.

You're not following the professional eating news.

I saw him on a SportsCenter one time.

- A SportsCenter? - Yeah.

That's not how you say it. You saw it on SportsCenter.

On... on... A...

Did you see a Everybody Loves Raymond the other day?

Yeah, I saw an Everybody Loves Raymond.

Oh, God!

I saw a Seinfeld.

Dude, this place is fuckin' crazy! You see all this?

It's crazy. Look at this!

Is that an ocean, or a lake?

It's a lake.

It's a huge fuckin' lake, man, shit.

- You can see the other side! - Oh, fuck!

Someone left a Frisbee! Who just forgets a Frisbee, dude?

It seems not uncommon.

Oh my, God, it's got this little surfer guy on it.

"Malibu 110g" model, yeah, that's the good one.

- Yeah. - The 1... the 120...

I didn't... I wasn't crazy about. But the 110...

Does it sound like I know what I'm talkin' about?

All right! Well, here ya go!

What're ya doin?

You're gonna let the Frisbee hit your car instead of just catching it?

I just didn't wanna play Frisbee.

What? Come on! Just throw a Frisbee. you don't know how to throw a Frisbee?

I don't feel like it!

Can you not throw a Frisbee? Is that what this is?

I can throw a Frisbee! What...

What is this, some kinda macho head game? What is this?

I mean, clearly you can't! You're telling me you don't want to.

Like... it's easy, man! I'm gonna have to see it to believe it at this point.

- Whaddya got, big boy? - Check this out.

- Check what out? - Did you see it?

What do you think you just showed me?

- What do you think you're doing? - Harlem... Harlem Globetrotters.

That... first of all, they're basketball.

No. Behind the ba... Okay, fair enough, that's a little Harlem Globetrotter.

- Can you throw it? - Here, watch this.

- That's a throw! - Yeah.

Look who can throw a Frisbee. Impressive. You ready for this?

That was amateur hour.

- This is what gets you to the Olympic Games, okay? - Okay.

Here we go.

- Agh, fuck! - Oh, shit!

- God! Luke! What the hell'd you do that for, man? - Oh, my God. Are you all right?

- I was just trying to do a cool throw, chill out! - That sucked!

No, it was a cool throw. Are you okay, what happened?

- Did it get you in the head? - I don't know, take a look.

Oh! No, that's fine. That's actually fine.

- Come on! - There's nothin' there, so...

Why would you do that face and the thing?

It's just a little red. So that kinda surprised me.

Everything's fine overall. Can I see it one more time?

- Oh! No! - Cuh... what is it?

- You did the... - Um, nah. It's fine.

You can't make a face like that. Is it okay or what?

It's... Yeah, it's just, it's... We probably need a Band-Aid at this point.

- Come on! What is this? - Yeah. Okay.

Well, look, everything's fine. We just gotta go to the hospital, okay?

- Just gimme your keys. - Yeah, no! - Gimme your keys!

- We gotta go to the hospital, gimme your keys. - No! No, I'm drivin'.

- I'm drivin'. - Come on! Don't be ridiculous, just let me drive!

- I drive The Honey Wagon! I drive The Honey Wagon! Luke! - Just let me drive it.

You can't drive in this condition. Do you really think you should be driving right now?

Seriously? You think this is safer? You driving in this condition is safer?

Yes, this is safer! You're a terrible driver.

Oh, I'm not a terrible driver, I'm an amazing driver! You know it!

No, you're not. You are a maniac. You drive like a crazy person.

- Nobody wants to be in a car with you. - You don't know that!

Don't say that like everybody tells you they're scared to be in a car with me, man.

People are in a car with me all the time, dude.

I don't wanna be in a car with you!

I don't care, man! I'm an amazing driver, dude.

Just because I drive a little fast,

or I make a crazy move here and there, doesn't mean I'm a bad driver.

The fact that I've never got in an accident,

or never gotten a ticket while doing that, means that I'm an amazing driver!

You're explaining exactly why you're awful at it.

You just haven't been burned yet

because, you know, you have some kind of dumb luck following you around.

- It's not luck! - And I've got the Goddamn storm cloud following me around!

Just 'cause I'm with you. It's unbelievable!

- It's not... - It's always shitting on me, and you get off scot-free!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Get over it! - That's it.

I get hit in the head with a Frisbee. I'm the one that's gotta go to the hospital.

Get over it, it's no big deal, it's one little cut on your forehead!

It's not that fuckin' big'a deal, man, you'll be fine!

You'll look cool! You should be thanking me while we're at it!

What the hell would I be thanking you for?

You're gonna have a scar!

You're gonna have a really cool fuckin' scar on your forehead,

you're gonna be able to tell people any story you want about how you got it.

Chicks love scars, man. It's awesome.

This scar right here under my eyebrow?

I got it 'cause I headbutted a guy twice my size in a bar fight, dude.

- Whoom! One shot! Down! - I don't give a shit!

You know that is not me? You ever think about that?

- Maybe it's not me to get in a bar fight. - But it could be!

- You could also enjoy it. - Maybe I don't do that!

Maybe Harry doesn't get in fuckin' bar fights!

Maybe I don't want that! Maybe I don't wanna be a badass!

Okay, well...

Fuckin' shit, dude. Too bad, you are one, look at you!

You kiddin' me? Jesus Christ, this is the most badass thing I've ever seen you do.

You're bleedin' all over the place, still drivin' your car. Screamin' at me.

Not givin' me an inch in this argument.

Holdin' your own. Fuck, man.

I've never seen you be more of a bad ass, so... tough luck, you are one.

- Whatever. - Ugh, whatever.

Did you really, um... headbutt a guy twice your size?

Oh, the scar?

Um, no. I slipped on some butter I had dropped.

And I hit my head on my rollerblades.

I had rollerblades. I was trying to get into 'em.

I still think they're actually cool. Um...

Yeah, no, stick with the headbutt story.

- Yeah? You like that one better? - Yeah, I think, uh...

- Headbutt a guy twice my size. - Yeah. - That's why I tell it.

It sounds rad. I'm embarrassed of the rollerblades but I shouldn't be.

- 'Cause they're... Rollerblades are cool. - Yeah. You should...

- No. - I think they're cool.

Mmm... All right; who cool wears them?

I bet Prince did rollerblades. Rest in peace.

- He might have. - I bet he was a rollerblade guy.

- That's weird. - How cool would he look? All that purple.

- Flyin' down the sidewalk. - Well, that's not fair. I feel like he can pull off anything.

That's a guy! That can pull it off. I'm a guy. Who knows?

What's your favorite Prince song?

I don't really listen to Prince.

What were his songs again?

"Let's Go Crazy"? That's fun.

It was "Purple Train." And then there's, uh...

Shut up, asshole.

- Yeah. - All right. You ready for this?

I'm gonna blow your mind right now. You listenin'?

I'm sorry for slashin' your tires.

It was an overreaction. I shouldn't have done it.

I apologize.

Well... All right, I mean...

- Boom, dude! Apology. In your face, apology. - What the fuck?

I'm the biggest man there is.

- You... No! No! No! No! - Nobody apologizes like I apologize.

- Nobody apologizes like I apologize. - The apology is now negated.

- It's over. It doesn't even count anymore. - No, no!

It counts 'cause I said it!

You did the whole thing after!

It doesn't matter what I did after, I apologized!

You can't apologize and then, like, spike the ball

and do an end zone dance after your apology.

I can spike whatever the hell I want after a bomb-ass apology like that, dude.

- Spike this dick! - How sincere did that sound?

- At first, very. - Yeah! That's 'cause it's real.

I hon... I honest to God thought it was real.

So when you deliver a fuckin' hot, sincere apology like that,

you can spike whatever the hell you want.

- Well, it doesn't count. Now. - Yes, it does.

It was so... I thought it was so nice.

- Yeah. - And then it's gone. Just... - And then I risked it.

- Eh! Well, I said it regardless. - Yeah.

- This is a good-ass banana, dude. - They're fine.

Oh, I've had better.

I'm not gonna shit for a week.

You know these things plug you up.

- What? - You know that?

- They make you constipated? - Yeah.

- Fuck is this? - This is the worst beach I've ever seen in my life.

This is disgusting. There's trash everywhere!

I saw four diapers walking up here.

That water's fuckin' green. Goddamn, man.

Well, what do we... I don't know, do you, like...

Do you have to put your hands in it and you spread it around or something?

No. No, don't do that. Just, uh...

- Just a dump? Yeah. - Well, ya know, like a shake.

- Or scatter. Don't dump, ya know. - Oh, you shake it out.

- You see this by the way? - Yeah.

It's his damn picture on top of a fuckin' piece of Tupperware!

It's unbelievable.

Yeah, you can dump that. Yeah, do whatever you gotta do.

Wait! You know what? Hold that...

- Yep! - I'm gonna knock it outta the park.

- All right! - I'm gonna hit a fuckin' homerun with Derek's ashes.

- How about that? - Let's do it!

So long, stupid.

That felt fuckin' good, dude, shit! Whoo!

- Yeah, you really smashed it, man. - Dude! Just dead center.

- Four fifty. - Ashes everywhere.

Goodbye, Derek!

Goodbye, Derek. Right?

- Yeah. - Huh.

- Well. You wanna, uh... - Yeah, we can probably just take off at this point, huh?

- Let's beat it. - Did what we gotta do. All right, let's do it.

All right.

- Uh! - Hello, boys!

- Derek! - Yeah!

- What the fuck are you doing here? - I'm, uh... I'm alive.

Why? That's the problem! Why are you alive?

I faked my own death!

- I figured that much out! - Home run, baby! Home run, man!

Oh, yeah, you're happy I hit a home run.

What the fuck was that, by the way? I hit a big ole thing'a ashes!

It was my grandma's ashes.

Yeah, whatever, who cares. It doesn't matter.

I just hit a home run with your grandma's ashes?

Yeah! She was a good woman, and now you knocked her outta the park.

- It was great. - She was a great fucking woman. We met her, dude!

- Yeah! - You're gonna make me...

You said goodbye to her.

I said goodbye to you 'cause I thought you were fuckin' dead!

- Well, I'm alive. Clearly. - This is fucking bullshit. I can't believe this, man!

What the fuck are you doing? Why is this happening?

I... look, I faked my own death because I need... eight hundred dollars.

- Come on! No! - Okay?

- Are you fucking kidding me? - No! - Eight hundred dollars?

- Yeah, just eight hundred dollars. - Yes, exactly just...

- It's not a lot! - It's not a lot!!

- That's a problem. - It's not a lot! Yeah! Give it to me!

It's a problem that you had to fake your own death for only eight hundred dollars!

- Well... - You see?

- It's not a lotta money. - I see where... I see where you're coming from.

- I get that. - Oh, thank you! For understanding!

- I just thought you guys could help me out! - We won't.

- We don't want to. - Come on, man.

How the fuck do you... What's the... Why do you owe eight hundred dollars?

Why do you not have eight hundred fucking dollars?

When you guys hear why I need this money, you're gonna laugh, okay?

- I can't wait. - You're gonna crack up.

- I can't wait to hear this story. - You're gonna laugh so hard!

- Okay, so... here's what happened. - Let's go!

- Okay. - So, I'm playin' basketball over at that elementary school

- on Culver, right? You guys know I love to ball. - Sure.

The elementary school we know about. 'Cause we're familiar with this town.

They got the short hoops, right? So that I can dunk on them, ya know?

- No. - So... I'm over there, and I'm just ballin'.

I'm practicin'. Ya know? I'm just like... doin' what comes natural to me.

Which is being bad at basketball.

It's being good at basketball. So...

You've never been good at basketball in your life.

I always beat you, you never beat me, you didn't even beat Harry!

It's being good at basketball.

You couldn't even beat Harry at basketball and he's five foot six!

- It's actually being good at basketball. So I'm... - Seven.

- He's five foot seven! - I'm... It's... Good at basketball.

So, uh... this woman I know, Linda, comes over, and she starts makin' fun of me.

She starts just raggin' on me! Hard!

- Hard raggin' on me, right? - Good for her. Makes sense,

'cause you were probably doing badly.

No. It's... I'm good. So, she's makin' fun of me,

and she says, "If you can dunk the basketball,

I will give you a hundred dollars."

- And... - Right?

I hate where this is about to go, where this has to go,

because there is no way you can fucking dunk a basketball!

Well, just wait for it.

- Oh, there's more! - So, I say... I say you're on.

Easy money. E. Z. Money. Right?

So, I get the ball, and I'm runnin'... I trip...

- Yeah. - I trip. - But wait a minute!

I fuck up. I say, "Ehh, double or nothin." Right?

- That's what I wanted. It's a double or nothin' situation. - Double or nothin', right?

Two hundred bucks this time. We're talkin' two hundred bucks.

Rethink my strategy; I'm like, okay, I need to get a better running start, right?

So, I go back like a couple blocks.

- I start runnin' from there! - Two blocks? - Like, two blocks.

Yeah, like... like, two blocks.

Why would you need to run from two blocks away?

- You're faster when you get to the hoop! - All you need is momentum!

Faster when you get to the hoop. So then I get to the hoop, and I'm... I'm exhausted, man.

- Right. 'Cause you ran for two blocks! - I'm tired.

Like more tired than I've been in a while.

And I...- I say, look, double or nothing again.

- I don't even wanna try this time. - Don't... Come on!

So... it's four hundred dollars now, I'm thinkin'; I'll go back a couple more blocks.

- No, not farther! - A little further.

That was the problem the first time!

- I know... I realize that now. - Ya gotta go closer!

Because... because I... I get there this time, and I'm like... I'm like on the ground.

I'm like sweating... I'm exhausted.

I'm tired, man. I'm tired! So then I say, "double or nothin' again."

- I wonder what happens next? Yeah. - This is eight hundred dollars.

- Eight hundred dollars is on the line. - How's this dunk, go?

You guys aren't gonna believe this; I... I... I fucked up again.

- Unbelievable. You're right, I don't believe it! - Fucked up again.

I owe her eight hundred dollars.

And I need you guys to help me out with it... please. Okay?

I know this is kinda awkward, but I... I'm in a... in a hard spot, here.

"Awkward". Is the word you would use.

- Yeah, awkward. - For what this fucking is.

- It's a little awkward. - Why the fuck do you think we would help you

after what you fucking did to us?

- Oh, what in... what in college? - Yes! The thing from college!

Oh, you are... you're hung up on that? Still?

It was years ago!

Who cares how long ago it was, man!

You planted drugs in our apartment, called the cops on us, we got arrested,

because we got arrested we got expelled. You fucked up our whole lives!

- Okay, well, in my def... in my defense... - You fucked up my life. Really.

- What? - Mostly my life. Yours was not great.

Oh, Jesus Christ, really?

You wanna get in on me right now? Can we focus on him please?

- Okay. Al right, you're right. - Hear me out.

In my defense; the drugs were in my apartment,

'cause I lived with you guys, so I went to jail, too. Okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's part of what makes the thing fucking stupid.

You guys had been doing shit to each other... like the egg thing,

and the slashing the tires, and getting mad... so mad at each other,

that I wanted to do something to get you guys mad at me. Right?

- How'd that turn out? - Not good, obviously!

- How'd it do for the group? - Really not well.

We haven't talked since, have we?

And it's all in the past. That's what I'm saying.

I thought that this would bring us all together, and we could just...

you know, like old times! Have fun!

- Help... help... help out old Derek! - Old times giving you money!

No. No. No, no, no! No! I'm not doin' this! All right?

I'm sick'a this shit! I'm out! I'm out.

I didn't wanna come here, and I'm out.

- Come on, Harry, no! - Look what you did! Now we're leaving.

Please! Please! Please! Wait, there's... there's lives at stake here. Okay?

What does that mean? What did you do?

If I don't get this money to Linda, she is going to kill my best friend.

- She just kidnapped someone? - Yes! She... she kidnapped my best friend.

And, if I don't get her the money, she's gonna kill my Monkey.

And I can't let that happen, 'cause Monkey is my whole life, okay?

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Quick question...

- What? - Who is Monkey?

Monkey's my... Oh, Monkey's my dog.

Okay, hey, man, how about you lead with that part? I thought it was a person!

Well, I thought you guys knew that!

"My best friend! They're gonna kill my best friend!"

You guys don't follow me on Instagram.

You guys gotta follow me on Instagram, man.

No we don't! We hate you, remember?

Well, allow me to introduce you to a little dog named Monkey, okay?

Don't. I don't wanna do this.

When you see this dog, you are gonna help me out. Lemme tell ya, okay?

No. No.

Here; this is my favorite picture of us. That's us in the grass, okay?

- Here we are in the grass. - Great. Great. Dog in a grass. Congratulations.

This one, uh, here's another one. This is seconds later. We're in the grass.

- Can you believe it? - Monkey's eyes are closed there.

- Unbelievable. - Blinking, I'm pretty sure.

- Wow. What a picture. I can't wait for this... - And then here we are,

just seconds later, in the grass again, her eyes are open,

she's done with the blink that she was taking in the picture before that.

- That's fascinating, man. We're not... - Listen...

- No. We don't... I don't care! - Luke...

- I don't care! I don't... that's not my dog! - Luke, Luke, Luke!

It's a real dog.

If... his dog's gonna die, I can't live with myself if that happens, all right?

I can't live with myself... I am a dog owner,

I can't look at my dogs in the eye after that; and it's just not happening, okay?

- Your dogs. How many dogs do you have? - I have six dogs.

- It's a lot! - You have six fucking dogs?

- That's insane. - That's a normal amount of dogs.

- That's a lotta dogs. - That's far from a normal amount of dogs.

- I'd say every... - This is the first time we've agreed on something, right?

Well, don't get fucking excited, I still hate your goddamn guts. All right?

- That's a lotta dogs... - Here's what we're gonna do.

Listen very closely, we're gonna do you this one favor,

we are gonna help you get your dog...

- You're really gonna help me? - Shut up!

- One favor: help you get your dog. - Yeah.

Once you have your dog back,

we're gonna go right back to never fucking talking to each other ever again. Okay

- That's... I'll... I'll take that deal. That's fair. - Oh, you'll take it.

You'll take it? How about you? Will you take the deal?

- All right. - Deal or no deal? - Deal.

Deal it is. All right?

Jesus Christ, this whole thing is bullshit, by the way.

I don't think this Linda fuckin' bi... tch is gonna kill a dog just... because...

- Luke! Don't say the b-word! - She said she would, man.

I didn't wanna say it! I hesitated, all right?

- That's why it's bad! - I don't wanna take a chance.

No! It was bad if I just said it confidently!

I don't believe this Linda bitch is gonna do this.

No, it's bad because you know better and you still did it. That's disappointing.

- What's wrong with you, man? - Oh! Because I kne...

because I had a problem saying it means I shouldn't have said it because I knew it was wrong.

- I'm with Derek on this one. - Yeah, dude.

No, that makes sense, that makes sense. All right, let's go...

- politely meet Linda. - Okay.

- I won't call her a bitch. - See that you don't.

And we'll say; "This is stupid, give me this fucking dog," and then we'll leave.

And we'll leave, I'll never see you again, I'll never see you again. Sound good?

- That... - We already made a deal. I'm fucking... Let's go.

- All right. - Let's fucking get outta here.

- It was good to see you. - Don't... - This is crazy...

Okay, so, look; these guys are... they're kinda tough, okay?

So let me just do the talking here. We'll take care of it.

Okay. We'll let you do the talking. That should go fantastic.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Hey, Dweeb! - Hey.

- Derek. - Yeah.

What's good, man? Who are these guys?

This is Luke, this is Harry. These guys are my best friends, okay?

No, no! We're not his best friends. Okay?

Don't... We... we... Look; I am Luke, he is Harry, we're not his best friends.

We're just here to help him get his dog back. All right?

- Huh! - Yeah.

Ya know that sounds like somethin' a friend would do.

Sure! Yeah. It does, doesn't it? Uh, but that's not the case.

We're not friends, we haven't been for years.

We are here just to help this one time, that's all it is, doesn't really matter otherwise.

Uh, so if we could just... move on from this whole thing, Dweeb, was it?

Is your name Dweeb?

Yeah, it is!

Is that a nickname, or... Where'd that... Did your mom give you that name?

I... I... I know what you're doin'. All right?

You think that, like, because they call me Dweeb I'm dumb or something, but...

- I didn't say... - It's actually the opposite.

- They call me Dweeb 'cause I'm smart. - Okay!

I can do all kinds of stuff that other people can't do.

Okay! And... what is that, what can you do?

Like, I could... I could take apart an iPhone and put it back together in five minutes,

easy, no big deal.

- You just take it apart, put it back together? - Yeah. Yeah.

It... it's hard! Not a lotta people can do it. So, there's that.

It's not that hard. I've... I've done it.

- Okay, so that's... - I mean, I've done it!

- that's two out of four in the... in the space. - Hi, Dweeb.

- Yeah, you... Oh... - Did it take you... How long...

- Did it take you five minutes? - Did you time it?

No, I... I didn't... I didn't time it. So...

No, you didn't, 'cause you couldn't do it in five minutes.

I took it apart and put it back together in five minutes.

- Can we come in, man? I mean is that all right? - Okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah! No, come, come, come on.

- I just wanna talk to Linda. - Oh! Okay, yeah, yeah.

How do you open this thing?

- Flip the horseshoe thing up... - Flip it... up?

Twist it back, it opens... Push or pull.

Either or, I designed it that way.

- Okay. - Well, you're pushing that one up,

- I'm pushing this one out. - It doesn't matter, you can do either or.

- It's custom. It's custom. - It doesn't... I think it's fine, mate? It's okay.

Do you wanna... Should we do the same way with both? Or...

- Just open 'em split like that... - That doesn't make sense.

And then all three of yous come in.

That's really weird, man. All right!

Come on. No. Hey. Leave it!

Don't... just leave it open.

It's just for security, Dweeb!

- Aren't you a security guard kinda thing? - Yeah, but this isn't...

I don't want anything bad to happen.

Oh, actually, it doesn't make sense. Yeah, close it up!

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Nice place. - Yeah. Yeah, it is.

- Lotta animals. - Yeah. I love 'em.

You love animals?

Yeah, I have my whole life.

Did you... Uh, decorate this place?

I did! I did, yeah.

- You did a good job. - It's good, man.

Yeah, I like this whole forest thing.

Sure. Kinda rainforest-y.

Yeah, it's like wet... it's like wet forest.

Derek, Derek, Derek. My man!

Hey, Linda. Uh, how's it goin'?

How's it going with me?

Ugh! What a gentleman!

Uh, It's going great with me. How's it going with you?

- I'm... I mean, overall, I'm okay. - Yeah!

- I... had some chips earlier... - Uh-huh, do you have my money? - Mmm.

Uh... not... No, not yet.

- We were... That's why we came over to talk about that. - Mmm.

Right. I'll help you out here, buddy. I'll take over.

Hi, how are ya? Luke. Nice to meet ya.

I love everything you got goin' here, by the way!

I like the house, I like the vibe.

You got the big tough guy out front. That's pretty cool.

You're comin' in with a nice powerful energy. That's pretty cool.

- Mm-hmm! - Here's the thing;

I know he made a bet, I know he owes you money.

He will get you the money...

but you can't just go around kidnapping people's dogs. K?

That's weird, and that's messed up. It's rude.

I can use all kinds of words for what it is!

- It's just not somethin' ya do. - Mmm.

So... I am thinkin'; he'll pay you back!

- I'll stay on him; I'll make sure he pays you back! - Yeah.

But we're gonna take the dog right now and we're gonna get outta here.

- What do you think about that? - Ahh.

- Wow. I think that this is a... an amazing plan! - Mmm!

- All right! - Okay!

- This is an amazing plan! - Amazing plan! Perfect!

- Wow! - So you like it!

- It's beautifully crafted. - Yes. There's craftsmanship.

And yet, and yet! It's so... Ooh, it's exciting!

- Yes, it's very exciting. - There's something, um...

I have to ask. And, I mean, I think I know the answer, but, is this a, um...

Is this a group effort? This... this plan.

Was it sort of, he contributed, oh, he threw in a thought, and then, oh, but then.

- Ya know? - You know what...

Or... or, was there someone who said, "Ya know what? I have an idea."

Was there someone like that?

I'll take credit for that right there. That was me. No worries, guys.

- It was my plan. I'm runnin' the show. How about that? - Wow!

You know what? I had a feeling.

- Yeah? - I did have a feeling. - You could tell?

- I could kinda tell about you. - OK. I like that.

Um, will you go get the dog, by the way?

- What do you got there? - Yeah, I'm sorry, it's just a little house business.

- Sure. - But, I... I... I could kinda tell, when I first walked in...

- you're the leader of the group, aren't you? - Yeah, you picked up.

- Ugh. Amazing... - We're... we're... we're vibin' here.

- We're pickin' up on each other's energy... - We really...!

- It's workin'! - It's crazy, huh? - It's workin'.

- So...! - Yeah.

I think we're good! We like what we're talkin' about, we're vibin',

- we're in a good space here... - I love what we're talkin' about! Absolutely!

- How about we take the dog and get outta here? - The dog.

- You mean this dog! This is perfect timing! - Right.

- Monkey! - Oh, this dog.

- Monkey, it's me, daddy! - That's the dog.

- It's me, daddy. Remember me? - Oh, my God, my angel!

- No, no, no. Don't hold her like that! She hates that! - She's so cute!

- Just take it easy. - Oh, she hates that! - She's so beautiful.

Do you ever look at nature and think, "How did we get here?"

- All the time! - All the time? It's stunning!

You're stunning!

Okay, here we go, here's a new thought for ya!

I hope you're gonna like this one.

You don't get to do this, okay? This is bullshit.

You don't get to taunt him with his own dog that you've kidnapped.

And ya know what I don't buy any of this! How about that?

I think you guys are puttin' on a little show here!

A little show?

I think you guys are playin' your little characters. You got the bodyguard guy.

You got the crime boss. Kingpin. I think you're playin' a character here!

- Crime boss! - I think you're playin' a little character.

- Kingpin! - You saw a movie...

- Little character! - You saw somethin' cool...

Little puttin' on the Ritz!

Some guy threatened to kill somebody 'cause they owed him money,

- you're like, "I wanna be like that." - Right. Right.

- I'm gonna be a big tough guy. - Big tough guy.

- I think you're doin' an act, I think you're full'a shit. - "A little act."

I don't think you're gonna do anything!

You don't think that I'm gonna do anything!

I don't think you're gonna do anything.

- You don't think that I'm gonna do, ooh, anything, huh? - Nothin'.

- "Nothin'!" - Nothing! Whaddya think?

I think...

Back to the whispering. What are you saying?

- Oh! Yeah. Okay! Yeah! - Right? Give him a kiss!

- Aye! H! - Hey, Dweeb.

Can I see your hand? Just for one second. Can I see your hand, please?

- What for? - Oh, I just gotta try somethin'.

- All right. Oww! - Oh, shit, man, what are you doin'?

He snapped my pinky finger!

You snapped his pinky finger, man! What the fuck! Why'd you do that?

A quick question, you still think that I'm gonna do nothing? Hmm?

Yes! You just did nothing, you made him do a thing! You didn't do shit!

It's a real collaborative effort!

You're still full... No, I don't care. It doesn't count. You didn't do shit!

- It is! It's fifty-fifty! I'm holding the dog! - Luke, who cares?

- Luke, shut up! - No, she didn't do it! It was just the guy!

- Linda, we'll get the money! - Yeah...

- I don't even care about that. We'll get the money. It's fine. - We'll get the money. It's fine.

Okay, just calm down. Just relax. Okay...

- I don't wanna calm down! - Easy, easy. Just wait. - Let me have this!

You'll be fine. Just breathe.

Oaky, look, yes. We'll go, we'll get your money...

- Mm-hmm... - We'll come back. - Mm-hmm...

K?

How about this; you have 24 hours, or else I kill your fucking dog.

- Huh? - Oh my God!

- Let's just... let's get the money, okay? - Fine! Twenty-four hours it is.

- Come on, let's go. - Twenty-four hours... - We're goin'. You're all right.

- That's one day. - We know what twenty-four hours is, man!

Okay! Hello. Nice check in. Always so sad to see the boys go.

Always sad to watch 'em walk away.

But they look so good doin' it.

God, man! I don't buy this, dude.

This Linda chick is full'a shit, and I still think that!

- I don't buy it! - Luke, she's not full of shit! Look at my hand, man!

I don't care! That's what I'm saying; she didn't do that!

She... she told the Dweeb guy to do it, who I can't get a read on that guy at all, by the way.

All right, that's just semantics. Who gives a shit who did it?

Someone broke my hand; someone could kill a dog!

And if they kill the dog, if they... kill the dog... we lose.

We don't want that to happen.

No, Derek, we understand what we're trying to accomplish.

- Right, it's just a reminder. - Thank you for the reminder. Thank you for staying on it.

- I'm glad you're here for that. - No problem! Anytime. You're welcome.

Okay... so! Because Dweeb is capable of breaking a finger, he's capable of killing a dog.

That's fair logic. My bad. So, eight hundred dollars...

- Harry! - What?

Do you have eight hundred dollars?

- No! I mean, I... - How much ya got?

- I got... - Do you have, like, a savings account, or...

- Sure, of course, I do. - What's in...

- That's... absolutely I have a savings account. - What's in it?

- How much money do you have in the savings account? - How much...

in the savings account?

- Three hundred dollars. - Eesh.

- That's so much money! - No. No, no, no.

- For a savings account? That's not... - It's not?

That's nothing. That's kind of embarrassing, dude. Why even have it?

It's not embarrassing. I have a house! I have a lemon tree.

It's kind of unnecessary to have a savings account if it's only three hundred dollars.

Three... three hundred's weird.

Don't... don't shame me for this! What do you have?

What, total?

Yeah, money, total, money, dollar.

How many money dollars do you have?

I... got like one fifty.

- That's nothing! - But I don't have a savings account.

- That's less than him. - That's half!

- I don't have a savings account, though! - That's less than he has.

It's weird that you have that much in a sav... If I had one fifty...

So you have zero in a savings account.

And one fifty in the checking.

- All right. - That's four fifty. What do you have?

- What are you... - Uh, okay, so...

- In your wallet... - Right now...

I have this.

That's a five-dollar bill.

Yeah, and I have it.

Do you have a bank account? Where's the rest of your money?

No, I don't have a bank account.

Why would I have a ba... No.

- Why don't you have a bank... - I'm not fallin' for that.

- I'm not fallin' for that one! - Falling for what? Saving your money?

- Putting your money somewhere? - Not... Yeah!

- What is there to fall for? - No, thanks!

'Cause you know, the moment they get all... The moment you open that thing up...

- They keep your money for you. - The... the moment...

The moment you open that up they hold your money.

The moment you open that thing up...

What?

I, uh... I... I never thought about I guess, like, what they do.

You just once heard you shouldn't do banks and now you don't do banks.

Yeah. Well 'cause I heard a guy on TV go, "The moment they..." and then, um...

- You just changed the channel? - Someone turned off the...

No, it was a lightning storm, it turned off.

So we have $455.

Thank you. Yes. We have $455 between the three of us.

- Yeah! - It's very embarrassing.

But, look! Hey. That's... that's over half!

- That's half way! - That's half way, so here's what I think...

we give that money to her, we say, "Hey, good faith payment, down payment.

Derek will get you the rest when he can, on his own, 'cause fuck Derek."

And from there... she should give us the dog 'cause it's a very reasonable request,

- a very reasonable thing to do. - Yeah.

Well, I... I agree, I think it's reasonable.

I... I don't think Dweeb has an ounce of reason in him.

Oh, Dweeb, I can't... I don't know what's goin' on inside.

He's a wild card, man.

- Do you know that guy? - A little bit.

- What's his deal? - We went to high school together.

What was he like in high school?

He kicked the shit outta me, like, all the time.

Okay! So... Linda, hello.

Um, unfortunately, we could not get all of the money.

But! We do have... $455.

- Which is most of it! - Which is over half!

- It's most of it, yeah. - Yes! Good job, Derek.

It's actually over half, so, I'm thinking, uh, a very fair deal at this point,

would be we give you this $455,

you give us the dog,

and we get you the rest absolutely as soon as we can.

- Soon as we can. Yeah. - Thank you, Derek.

- Wow. - What do you think?

- What do I think? - Yeah!

I think that this is very, um... I think it's very interesting.

- Okay. Interesting. - Yeah. And I think it's interesting

because you now owe me a thousand.

- What? - What? - So...

What do you mean a thousand? You can't just throw two hundred dollars on it!

- Ah, and, yet, I did. - Why?

Why? Okay, now this is... Mwah! Now this is for two reasons.

- Do you wanna hear 'em? The two reasons? - Two reasons. Great.

- Can't wait to hear the list. - Two reasons. Of course. So the list is brief,

but it goes like this: number 1; interest. Right?

I mean, I don't know, have you guys, uh, have you heard of interest?

- Yeah. - Yes, I've heard of interest. It takes, like, months!

- I bet you've heard of interest. Right? Yeah. - I have, yeah.

It's a little bit of money you put on the top of a bigger piece of money

When people owe you money for a long period of time. Not for two hours.

Well, it works differently in crime.

- Can it work for two hours? - I mean, crime, rules are out the window.

As far as I understand from TV and film.

- Mm-hmm. - Ugh. Damn it!

So! Reason number two, sweetheart, is, um, how fucking dare you?

- Okay. - Huh?

How fucking dare you come into my house, and act like you're the one in charge.

- I... didn't say that. - When pretty clearly...

- it's me who's in charge. Right? - I agree. Sure! You're in charge. I agree! Unh-uh.

Need I remind you about what happened the last time you were here?

No. I don't need a reminder.

Because I will give you a little refresher about what happened the last time you were here!

I remember. I remember.

- Which is that I broke your friend's fucking finger. - Uh! Ah!

- Do you not remember that? Do you not recall that? - I don't remember that at all.

- I don't remember that at all. I remember he broke the finger! - Oh, really?

- He broke the finger? Huh! - I remember you stood there and you didn't do shit.

- Luke, shut... - 'Cause you're full'a shit.

What's wrong with you, Luke? Shut up, you're making it worse!

- You're gonna make this worse! - She's fake, man, she's fakin' it.

- She's whispering to Dweeb right now! - Well.

They can whisper if they wanna whisper.

- Could just be a secret. - Look!

- No! Dweeb! Fuck! - Oh, my God, dude! What the fuck are you doing?

What are you doing? Why are you acting like you don't know what happened?

- Dweeb! - What is this? What does this mean?

What's wrong with you? Why'd you do that?

Take it easy! Okay, look, here we go!

A thousand now, we've got four... fifty-five.

So that makes five... Eh, he's no good for math right now. Five... Uh, five fifty-five!

- Five forty-five! - Five forty-five! We owe you five forty-five now!

- Hmm? - It's actually eleven hundred.

- What? - Why? - Why's it eleven hundred?

Because you made my man waste a bullet.

Uh! Bullets aren't worth a hundred dollars!

He really, really loves his bullets. It would just mean a lot.

- These are my best bullets! - Yeah.

Okay. Sure. No, okay. Hundred-dollar bullets. Fair enough.

So, eleven hundred now, that makes... six fifty-five... six forty-five.

- Six forty-five. Harry? - Forty-five. Agh! - Six forty-five!

We'll get it to you... very soon. Okay?

You, my friend, have 22 hours to get back to me.

- Okay. - Okay, let's... let's just go! Let's just go then!

- Yeah. - Here ya go.

- Come on! Come on, Harry! - Okay, come on. - Give me one second!

You don't get one, man. I'd like to go now. Come on.

- No time! Come on! - Get up. Here we go. Everything's fine.

- Lemme see it, lemme see it. Oh, fuck, that's bad. - Oh, shit! OK.

Yeah, just go.

- It's full'a sticky stuff! - That's blood, pal.

Oh, my God, dude!

This fuckin' Linda chick, what is her deal, man?

- She's clearly insane, and... - Yes.

...has a very strange arrangement with this Dweeb guy.

What is his thing, by the way?

That guy is from another planet!

There's nothin' goin' on behind his eyes!

I gotta be honest though, Luke, I wish you'd just kinda...

settle down with antagonizing him.

You're making it worse every...

- I'm not... Well, I'm not antagonizing him. - Yes, you are!

- You're making it worse every time! - I'm antagonizing her, not him.

- Okay? - That's... She's the one that'll kill the dog!

I know, but it's stupid that she's hurtin' him! That's not my call.

I... I didn't... I didn't... tell her to hurt him. That's weird!

I don't like it, but, you know what, he... at least should be hurting Derek.

- Probably you. - Fine. Sure, me!

Yeah, no, I'd love to get shot in the arm, dude! That's a dream for me.

I've been wantin' to get shot in the arm for years.

That's even... That's way better than a scar.

- Okay, shut up, shut up. Shut up, okay, shut up! - Minimal pain.

Minimal blood loss.

We'd all love to get shot in the arm! It sounds great! You get a scar, it's awesome.

- It's really cool. - Look; we need money right now, okay?

We need $500 or my dog dies.

- Nope. - $645.

- Oh, my God!! Ugh! Six... - It's a lot. It's a lot more.

Okay, what can we do to make a lotta money real fast? Uh...

Open up a restaurant? Uh...

Let's open up a restaurant real quick!

Derek's Diner! We'll call it Derek's Diner!

We'll call it Derek's Diner! That'll take 20 hours.

Call it Derek's Diner. Come on in, my dog's gonna die. Something like that. Um...

Why don't we go to the bank and take out a loan?

- What... Uh... - What kinda loan?

How do we take out a loan for this?

Take out a loan and you just go up there and say, "Give me $645."

- And they say, "What's the loan for?" What do we say? - Yeah.

- You need to give them a reason, I think, right? - Small business, or...

Say it's a... it's a... none of your business loan.

- None of your business loan. - That's gonna make 'em really mad.

- They'll fall... No, they'll take that. - Yeah.

Yeah, they'll... Those are common. None of your business loans?

Those are very common. They give those out all the time.

- They're gonna be real... - Especially for specifically six forty-five

from a guy who's covered in blood!

I'm the most adult one here, I'll take the heat.

- You're just gonna... Jesus Christ. - Oh, my God...

This isn't your boat. Don't just spit in here.

- I don't care if you're losing all your blood. - Wait, wait. Wait...

I know somebody that has a tuba.

See now... When you do this, that means you're done,

but you have to go further than that.

A tuba's worth a lotta money.

How is a tuba worth a lotta money?

Ya know, ya... ya blow into it, everybody's jealous.

Everybody says I wish I was that guy.

- Tuba's are pretty cool... - It's a... it's a matter of vanity.

I do like tubas. It's a beautiful sound!

I mean... I guess they're probably hard to make!

You can sell that thing for twenty G's tops! And the parts alone!

- I mean a lotta that stuff is on spaceships. - Those things are...

- That's craftsmanship, right? That takes a lotta work. - Yeah. Well, yeah.

- For sure! - They might be worth 645!

- Probably! - Well, but what...

so this guy... this friend's just gonna give you the tuba and...

Let us go sell it, or something?

I highly doubt someone would give us a beautiful tuba.

Eh... I mean... They wouldn't... Probably wouldn't give it to us.

We just... just take it.

Instead.

Are you talking about stealing a tuba?

I guess, yeah, it's stealing.

Well... yeah!

I mean, unless you wanna open up Derek's Diner, I think this is the best idea.

Shut the fuck up about Derek's Diner. K?

If she gave us two years to get her the six forty-five,

maybe we'd have time for Derek's Diner.

You could sell breakfast for dinner.

Right now, would you promise me that if we go back there

and she says you have two years, we open up Derek's Diner?

- You're on. Two years, Derek's Diner. If she gives it to us. - Okay.

Yeah! Let's go steal a tuba!

- Is this her place? - This is... Yeah, this is it. This is it.

- That's gotta be it. Look at it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Looks like a bank.

- Just go. Go in, go in! - Okay, let's go. Come on, come on!

Whoa, it's got two doors.

Harry, you gotta be quiet.

You gotta be quiet, Harry.

- It's got two doors. - Harry, shut up! - Okay...

- This is... what is this place? - Stop! Quiet.

- Listen... Do you know what we're doing? - Remember?

- We're stealing a tuba. - Yeah, we're... at the house.

- We're gettin' the tuba. - Be quiet! Be quiet. Just wait right here.

- Okay, go find the tuba... - I'll go look this way.

- We get outta here. Fast as possible. Come on! - Yeah, for sure. Okay

Shh!

Harry! Be quiet!

What the fuck?

- Derek! Derek! - I got it!

- Derek! - I got the tuba! I got the fricken tuba!

Is this your lawyer? Are we robbing your lawyer?

Oh. No, no, that's... that's just my friend.

- She's your friend? - Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, I mean she's... she's been my only friend ever since I lost you guys...

- Oh, my God... - I figured we could rob her

and it's no big deal! I just pay her back later.

It's actually is no big deal for me either because I don't like her!

Oh, she's a really nice girl... you gotta get... you gotta get to know her!

I don't mind that we're robbin' her 'cause I can't stand her!

Spend some time with her if you don't like her!

I don't wanna spend any time with her!

You guys, you guys, please!

We gotta wrap this up, okay? Let's just get outta here.

- Hey, what's up? - Ahh!

- Oh! - Oh! Oh, my God!

- Oh, shit! - Okay, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait!

Hold on, look, look, look! Wait!

Miriam, look. It's me, see? It's just Derek. See?

- It's Luke! From the ashes! - Luke. Remember?

Are you guys here to hang out?

- What? - What are you doing with my tuba?

Uh...

Yeah! Yeah, we're... we're here to hang out.

- We... we came in, we, uh... - Oh! Okay. - Yeah...

We just got your tuba out, and, uh, thought you could, like, play it for us.

And we'll... we'll give you some notes! You know, we'll say, ya know...

- Hold it higher, hold it lower. - Oh, I love that!

- Isn't that great? - Yes!

You really think that's what we're here to do?

What is wrong with you? We're wearin' fuckin' ski masks!

I just thought it was like a thing.

We didn't tell you we were coming. Obviously, we're robbing you!

We came to steal your tuba because we thought it would be worth...

- What? - ...six hundred and forty-five dollars?

It might be.

What the fuck is wrong with us?

Six hundred and forty dollars? That thing probably is worth...

I mean less than a hund... He bought it for me for my birthday.

- It was, like, a hundred dollars. - Oh, my God, I did!

- Yeah. - You bought the tuba?

I knew... I... I held it and I was, like... I... I've held this before.

That was the first thought I had when I picked it up.

Yeah, I spent, like, a hundred bucks on this.

But now it's probably worth... negative money.

This is, like, garbage. Yeah.

There's no way it's worth a hundred now!

- Miriam's, like, ruined this thing. - Yeah.

Cause ya fuckin' beat it to shit. It's disgusting!

- It's not even a good tuba! - What have you done to this, Miriam?

I just didn't have a case, so...

All right, you know what, look... I'm done.

Man, I'm done. I'm done with all of this, all right?

I can't stand this. I'm sick of all these schemes, and comin' up with shit,

and lying, and... just to try to get some money

that you need 'cause you did somethin' fuckin' stupid

and it's got nothin' to do with me... I was happy! Okay?

I was happy livin' at home, by myself, no friends, no connections!

Just me doin' whatever I wanted to do.

Now I'm here doin' your bullshit!

'Cause you make a stupid bet!

And your fuckin' dog gets kidnapped. I don't fuckin' care, man!

I'm sorry that you got hurt a bunch, but I don't care about you either!

- Whatever. - I'm done.

I mean... You can't be done. I mean, my dog's gonna die!

If we don't get the money... We're so close to getting the money!

- Derek! Derek! - Luke! You have to stay around!

- You have to stay around... - Listen to me. Listen to me!

I don't care about your dog. Okay?

I do not care if your dog dies. I don't know why I ever did!

I never shoulda come to any of this, okay?

I should have thrown those ashes in the trash like I did in the first place!

I shoulda left 'em in the trash! 'Cause that's where they were! Okay?

Fine. That's fine.

- Okay? - Yeah!

- Goodbye. Good luck. - Bye.

So... is this, like... still a hangout?

I just wasn't clear. If this was a hangout.

- This is a hangout, right? - Yeah. Yeah, we can hangout.

Okay. Cool.

- Oh, yeah, it's that white Prius there. - All right, cool.

- You can just pull right in front. - Great... great.

All right! Thanks, man. Um...

I'll just tip you on the app. Yeah?

Cool, yeah. How much?

- What? - I mean, how much, dude?

It's gonna be like two hours to get back home.

I guess... Yeah, I'll give you a good tip.

- Like, twe... twenty bucks. - Pfft. Yeah, good tip.

All right, thanks dude, that's really gonna help.

Have a good night!

Okay, sure man, you, too. Thanks for everything.

So sorry to inconvenience you.

Man... I like "Like a Virgin" Madonna...

way better than any other Madonna.

- Yeah, I mean, that is, like the best Madonna. - I think so, right?

- All right man, I'm goin' up. - All right, bud.

I'll see you upstairs, man.

Luke! What's up, man?

- Greg. - Yeah. - How are ya?

- Haha, you remembered! Good man, good man. - I remembered.

- Look at that, huh? Learnin'. - I like it.

Hey, uh, me and Rod are gonna go up and have some drinks.

Smoke a little bit. You're welcome to come through if you like.

You want me to come have a drink with you?

Yeah!

I... I mean... What? I... You were screamin' at me yesterday.

You said you hate me, everybody in the building hates me.

What am I...

And now you wanna come... You want me to have a drink with you?

- Yeah, man! - How does that work?

Aw, come on, that was yesterday, I was upset, I got it off my chest.

You seem like you took it all in and, ya know, it's, uh, water over the bridge!

Under the bridge? Over...?

- Water under the bridge, yeah. - Yeah, that one, that one.

- It's all good! - That's it.

- That's it! Yeah. - Just like that.

- Yeah! - Three... three years'a hatin' me and it's gone in a day.

It wasn't three years. It was just that moment in time right there.

- But, you know... - Okay. Sure, man.

Yeah, man! You gotta get over it.

Wow, ha... have you never forgiven anybody?

Have I for...

Whoa, whoa.

You haven't, have you? Oh, man...

I can't think of a time I have. Is that weird?

It is kinda weird, man!

Most people forgive people, don't they?

Yeah, I think so! We gotta work on you, man.

You're still a work in progress.

That's... Okay.

Forget everything I said.

Forget the invite. Actually, all of us neighbors are gonna get together

and get you evicted, bud.

- Yeah, that's what we're gonna do. - Yeah.

No. Do your thing, man. Do what you gotta do.

Look, I'm jokin', man. Look, look, look, come over and have a drink with us!

No, I know you're joking. Sorry. No, I just... I have to go take care of something.

Aye, well, do what you gotta do, man.

- All right. - We'll be up there drinking. The invite is open.

- Okay, thank you! Next time. - All right? I'll see ya around.

Yeah. Goddamn. All right.

- Luke! - Oh, shit! Derek!

Dude, thank God, you're back, man! I was panicking all night.

- It's day now, I guess. - Oh, my God! Okay. You live here?

Yeah! This is my place.

Oh, that's perfect! No, yeah, I was looking for you!

- Uh-huh. - I was going to, uh, your friend's place.

The one we tried to rob last night.

From last night? Yeah, that... She's my neighbor.

- She's right there! - Yeah! We hang out all the time.

- That's... really cool. - It's pretty cool, right?

That's awesome. This looks like a fun set up, man.

Thanks, man. Yeah, I've done a lot with it, I think.

That's cool, that's great, okay, look, we're gonna get your dog back.

- Yes, man! Yes. - Okay.

But look, we gotta find Harry, okay? It's gotta be the three of us, right?

- Just like you always wanted. - Old times!

- Like old times. - Like old times.

- Here's the problem, I don't know where Harry is. - Oh, shit.

I went by his house, he wasn't there.

So I think we just gotta run around town,

do whatever we can to find him as fast as we can, okay?

- Totally. Yeah, yeah. - I know where he is!

Oh! My God. Come on! That's twice.

Uh, great! You know where Harry is!

- Yeah! - Uh... and... and you're gonna tell us?

Yeah, sure, why not?

That's... Ugh, thank you so much.

I mean, we were just robbin' you last night and you're still gonna help us?

Yeah, I understand. You're just trying to get Derek's dog back.

- That's amazing. - What a good friend, huh? - She's great!

- She's great. - You're great! Thank you so much.

- I like the bucket hat thing. - Yeah. Aw, thanks.

- You got a real cool style goin'... - It's a good look.

- Okay, great! Where's Harry? - Oh, he's right over there.

- Oh, my God! Shit, that's his car. Oh, come on! - Oh! Yeah.

- Harry! - Whoa!

Harry!

- Harry!! - Is he alive?

- Harry! - Roll... Oh, my God.

Hey! You okay?

- Hey! What's up? - Can you roll your window down?

Roll down your window so we can check your pulse.

- Hey! Are you all right? - Yeah! Yeah.

- You sure? - Yeah, yeah! Fine.

You're just sittin' in your car, man. You were asleep.

Yeah, so could take... takin' a nap. It's fine.

- What a... - Did you pass out or somethin'?

Gotta sleep. Ya know? Everybody sleeps.

You just passed out in the car?

Come in... Your place you sleep.

- Okay. - Yeah...

- All right. You sure you're all right? - Yeah, fine, man.

Okay, look. Look, listen; guys, I need to say something, okay?

Something I should have said a long time ago.

Okay.

I forgive you. Okay? I forgive you.

Wh... For... for what?

For this... You know, the thing. That I've been holding on to,

the stuff with the drugs and getting arrested. And then the egg thing.

No, no, you should be doing...

I've been holding onto it all these years, and...

No, you should be doing the opposite thing right now, man!

- Oh, apologizing? Oh, no, yeah, apologizing! - Yeah!

- That makes way more sense. - No, yeah!

- No, I'm sorry about the hand... - Look what ya did to him.

Yeah, I'm sorry about the hand, and the gunshot, and the... the Frisbee,

and I'm... I'm sorry I bailed last night. That was kinda shitty.

- Yeah. - I'm actually sorry about everything I said to you,

- but... Oh, wait, what's your name? - Miriam.

Miriam! Wow, that's a cool name.

Did I never say that? She's Miriam.

- It fits the whole character... - Yeah.

But, no! I'm doin' this forgiveness thing.

I'm... I've realized I, uh... I've never been good at forgiving people,

and that's held me back in life, and I'm very alone.

And that's a bad thing.

So, uh, I am trying to forgive you guys so we can become friends again!

- Okay. Yeah. - I wanna be friends again!

Whatever you need to do, man. Yeah, I'm glad to be friends. Sure.

Thank you. Okay, great. Great! Here's the thing,

we're gonna get Derek's dog back. Okay?

We're gonna get Derek's dog back, but we gotta do it together.

All three of us. Just like old times. You in?

- Yeah. - All right, Harry's in!

That was really easy. I thought that would be harder.

Okay, here we go, here's what we're gonna do...

we go over to Linda's, get in there, grab that dog, get the heck out.

Yeah.

So wh... what is... the plan, then?

That's it... No, yeah. That's the plan.

But they're inside.

Oh, yeah, Linda and Dweeb. Yeah, they'll probably do something, won't they?

- Yeah. They'll be inside. - Uh... Okay.

Yeah, we probably need, uh, uh, what else can we do?

A diversion.

Oh! I have an idea.

- Miriam, do you wanna help out? - Yeah, I'll help.

Miriam's on board.

Eh, 'scuse me?

What're ya doin'?

Tuba girl! Cut it out!

I don't like that. Stop it!

Okay. Can we... Can you st... Oh, my...

What th... What's goin' on? What is this?

This... this... this lady is playing the tuba.

I don't know where she came from, I don't know what she's doin'.

- Ya gotta... Ma'am, ya gotta stop! - Cut it out, please!

- Stop it! - Could you stop it with the tuba-ing?

- Stop it! Say, "stop!" - Stop.

Go get her. Go tell her to stop. Go take it away.

- Why? - 'Cause it's your job! That's why!

Oh, okay, yeah, you're right.

What is this? What are we doin'? Can we stop?

- Stop! - Can we just stop with the tuba?

- Hey, I'm not... - Ma'am. - I just need you to stop.

- Ooh, grab the tuba! - Stop!

- Grab the... grab the tuba. - I don't wanna...

- But I'm gonna. Stop it! - Oh! Get her.

- Stop it! Come 'ere! Stop! - Go get her!

It's not funny! Stop! Stop.

Wait a minute, wait a minute! Wait a minute!

- I... I... - Can she even play the tuba?

No, of course, not. No, she's awful. No, she can't play.

- Oh, my God. All right, come on! - Okay, cool. Let's go.

- Oh! - Stop! Stop!

Okay, come on, come on. Right here?

Just go. Luke! Luke, this way.

Okay! Go, go, go.

- I found the door. - Shh! Shut up, be quiet.

Harry, what're ya doin'? Come on!

- I slammed my hand in the door! - Where is she?

Monkey! Hey, sweetheart! Hello! Monkey!

I gotta go pee!

- Stop that playing right now. - Why... Just grab her with your hands!

- Ooh, stop it! - With your hands grab her.

- What do you say? How do you call her? - It's daddy!

- You say, "It's me, daddy!" - It's me, daddy!

- Well, no, no, say I'm with daddy. 'Cause it's you. - I'm with daddy!

Here, I got her. Oh... I got her. Oh! I got. Here...

- Oh, come 'ere, come 'ere, come 'ere. Stop! - Okay.

Guys, what are we doin'? What is this?

What do you mean, "What are we doing?" We're trying to find the dog!

- Keep your voice down! - What are we gonna do after we find the dog?

- We go home! Everything's fine! - We're gonna go!

- You don't think Linda knows where Derek lives? - Shh!

- Oh, shit, no... - Dweeb's gonna kick the shit outta you!

Yeah, Dweeb's gonna fuckin' kill me!

- Does she know where you live? - She does.

- She knows where you live? - She knows where I live.

- Oh, that's a problem. - This plan sucks!

- I'm dea...! - But she's not gonna do anything about it.

- She'll probably drop it! - We didn't think this through. No. She is not gonna drop it...

- Is this a bad plan? - It's... a very bad plan.

Okay. No, it's fine. No, no, no, no, no! It's fine.

- Well, we'll find the... - Look, we'll find the dog. We're doing it as friends.

- Yeah, we're friends! - We're doing the friends thing. We're coming back together.

- Everything's fine. - We're friends, we're together at last!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait... Where's the tuba?

Shit. Okay. Find the dog! Monkey. Monkey!

- Ya lookin' for this? Eh? - Oh! Oh shit! - Oh!

I'm sorry, guys, I blew it!

Miriam, it's fine! Don't worry about it. It's okay, it's okay.

Oh, this is nice! It's kinda nice, you guys are friends. Right?

You got a nice little gang goin', four people. Very nice.

There's only one problem, though, huh?

Which is that you broke into my house, right?

And who knows what you were gonna do?

No one could say, really. Huh?

We were just trying to get the dog.

Get the dog, that's all we ever wanted to do! The whole time!

Oh, really? Well, we have no way of knowing that. Do we.

- Well, that's all we've ever wanted, is the dog! - That's all we ever did!

That's interesting. See, because all I wanted, all along, was just to get my money!

That I'm owed. That's it. That is all I wanted!

No more, ah! No less. Okay? So now, I'm in a little bit of an awkward position.

Right? Because I'm gonna have to do something! Aren't I?

I'm gonna have to do something a little drastic. Huh?

No. Uh... Linda! Linda, no! No, ju... just please!

Please, just don't do anything to her! We don't need...

All right, just stop, just stop, just shut up! Just stop. All right!

This is bull shit! It's still bull shit and I can see it in your eyes that you're fakin' it!

You're not gonna kill a fuckin' dog! Goddamnit.

So just stop it right now. And give us the dog!

What do you mean?

What have I done that hasn't proved that I'm capable of doing...

- You haven't done anything! - What do you mean?

- You haven't done shit! - Your friend's fingers got broken. Okay?

- By him. - He got shot. Okay? - By him.

What more can I do to show you that I'm gonna do something? Huh?

- Did you see that? - What do you mean?

- She's breaking. - What do you mean? I'm not breaking.

- She's breaking character. She's breaking character! - I'm not breaking!

- I'm breaking char... I'm not breaking character! - Look, she tried so hard.

She threw on the cool jacket, she's got the hair up in a pony.

The jacket's just a jacket that I have!

She's trying to look even cooler now!

- I'm not trying to look cool, what do you mean? - Look. Look, look, look!

- No, I got her. I got you! - What do you mean? What do you mean?

I got you!! You're not gonna do shit.

- You're not gonna do shit. - You do not wanna talk to me this way, okay?

- Why not? - Because!

- What're ya gonna do? - Because, then I'm... I'm gonna shoot the dog!

- Okay, go for it! - No, Luke! No, no, no, no!

- I'm gonna do it! - No, no, no, stay with me! Stay with me, stay with me.

Again, I... I've done nothing that hasn't proved that I'm willing to do this.

So... so don't push me. Man. Okay? 'Cause I will do it.

Then do it. I wanna see you do it.

You don't wanna, do ya? Look at that!

I knew you don't. I knew you've been faking this whole time.

Actually! You know what? At this point, I'd love to see you kill the dog.

- I wanna see it. - So what, who cares?

I wanna see you kill the dog!

You can't talk to me this way, man.

Just kill the fucking dog already, Linda!

You can't... Don't talk to me this way.

- Just prove me wrong and kill the fucking dog! - Because I will do it!

Oh, fuck!

- Oh, my fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Holy shit!

- Ahh! - Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! - You fucking killed my dog!

I'm sorry, I had no idea. I didn't know.

What do you mean, you didn't know?

You said you were gonna do it and then you did that!

- I didn't know, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. - What's wrong with you?

- Okay, you know what? You know what? How about this? - I'm sorry!

How about this? My bad. That's my bad.

All right, I pushed her. She shot the dog because of me.

- Yeah. - Um... we can chalk it up to, uh...

that's one for Luke! Big mistake.

Technically, I was right about her.

Can we just acknowledge that real quick?

Yeah, you were right about me.

I was right about her, she was doing an act.

I didn't know! I just... I li... I like movies!

It was a movies thing. I knew it. See?

- Everybody likes... Everybody likes movies! - I like movies!

She just took it a little too literally. She took it a little too literally.

I like movies, I don't do that!

I'm so sorry, I didn't know, I really liked the dog!

- Is she definitely dead? - She's definitely dead.

- Look at her! - Okay. Okay! Well, I say, how about this?

I think we should get out of the room where your dog is lying dead.

Do you wanna do that? Should we... should we maybe just leave the room for the moment?

- I've... That's... I mean, yeah. - Okay, let's go. Here we go!

Everybody up! We're gonna walk out right now.

Why don't you go that way so you don't... step in the dog.

Uh, well go this way. Come on. You all right?

- Yes. - Come on.

We'll go this way. You can come too!

- Should I stay? - No, no, you can come.

- Let's get outside. Let's get some fresh air! - Okay. Um...

Monkey was a good girl.

She would watch me eat breakfast and dinner.

And on days when I didn't have to work, she would watch me eat lunch, too.

Goodbye, Monkey.

- Goodbye, Monkey. - Goodbye, Monkey.

All right! That was nice, Derek.

Thank you.

Uh, so... I guess let's start hangin' out? Again? Right?

- I would like nothing more. - Okay. Cool.

- We can do that. - All right. Let's do it.

- Happy to have ya. - I'm excited. - Uh... next Tuesday?

- How's next Tuesday sound? - That works for me.

- Yeah! I'm... I'm free. You guys? - Okay!

- I think I can do that. - Next Tuesday. All right, let's go.

Oh, you know what we're gonna do?

You're gonna watch me eat fifty fuckin' eggs.

- Okay, yeah. - That's what we're gonna do!

- Here we go! Here we go. - I'm gonna fuckin' do it.

- I'm tellin' ya. - We got the regular, uh...

- Jimmy Walnuts over here. - Jimmy... Haha!

- No, it's Joey Chestnut. - Joey, er, yeah.

I actually like Jimmy Walnuts better.

- That's what you could start callin' me! - No! I'm not...8

I'll call you "Cool Hand Luke" if you want. Do you want that?

No, no, no, I'm over "Cool Hand Luke!" Now I want "Jimmy Walnuts."

Now you're over it?

That's a better nickname!

"Cool Hand" is way better! It's like you have a cool hand.

No, but it's old. It's too old, nobody knows it anymore.

Everyone knows how cool your hand is!

Nobody probably even knows about that fifty-egg thing anymore.

Yeah, it's pretty dated.

Okay, well, what can we do... real fast to get some money?

- Can we like... - We need something. Is... is there something valuable?

- Do you have anything valuable? - We could invent, like, a new soda or something.

- Maybe it catches on. - That's... Yeah, what're ya thinkin'?

Ginger ale for people that like, uh, so... Coke, Coke!

- Coke meets ginger ale? - Yeah! Together at last!

Honestly, not the teribblest idea. We don't have time to make a new soda. Okay?

- What's up? - You shave your hole?

- The crack? - Do I... do I shave my butthole? Is that what you're asking?

- Yeah! Yeah. - I don't, man. No.

I'm lookin' for, like... razor recs.

- Recommendations for... - Recommendations, yeah.

- I wouldn't know, man, I think... - I keep... I keep fuckin' knickin' the sphinct!

Well, here's the thing, I don't think you're supposed to shave it, man.

I think you get it waxed, like, at a... a professional place.

- Do you do that? - Mm-hmm. I think you're supposed to get it waxed.

I don't think you shave your butthole. Okay?

- Do they... finish the job? - It's the wax thing.

Yeah! They... they wax your butthole. They take off all the hair.

- No, do they finish the job? - What do you mean finish the job?

- Do they... I mean, is it one of those places where... - Like a massage place?

I don't think the places that wax your butthole also give you handjobs.

- If that's what you're asking. - Why not?

It doesn't sou... I don't think they go together. Okay?

- Let's go! - Thank you. - All right.

Don't! Stop it! We are not best friends, put your hands down.

Put your hands down!

I make my own beef jerky now!

- Come on, don't! That doesn't make sense. - What? Is it good?

- I'm comin' back. Okay? - Okay, no touching!

No touching yet. If you come back later, maybe.

Are you gettin' this? Cover your ears.

Couple'a healthy boys like that...

We gotta get something expensive, man!

We gotta, like... kidnap David from David After Dentist.

Ah, fuck!

Ah, fuck!

Ah, fuck!

Ah, fuck!

Ah, fuck!

Jesus, Luke!

What the hell is your problem?

God! Right in the goddamn noggin'!

- Lawyers don't make the laws. - They do.

No, the... the lawmakers do!

- I think I wrote one of the laws. - You didn't.

- Yeah, I did. - How did you... What was the law?

It was... um... Thou shall not, um...

- Now hold on... - Uh...

It's the one about sleeping with your wife?

I think you're talking about a commandment!

You're trying to say you wrote one of the Ten Commandments?

- Yeah, I wrote that one. - Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife?

- Yeah, I wrote that. - Come on...

I'm pretty old, too. I'm, like, forty-nine, so...

First of all; you look amazing.

I can't believe you're forty-nine.

But you would have to be way much older than fort-nine

to have written one of the Ten Commandments!

All my money's kinda tied up right now! I got, like, three hundred bucks.

What's it tied up in?

- Bonds! - James Bonds.

Shut the fuck up, dude.

- Hey, um, Derek... - Yeah?

You know that video I sent you of me squeezing my nuts?

Yeah, yeah. What about it?

Just don't tell anybody about it.

- What are you talkin' about? - Okay. What?

- Ma'am! - Wh... Oh! - Ma...

- Ah, oh! - Ma... She got away from you?

Ma'am!

You're actin' like a lunatic! 'Cause you got hit in the head, and you got a...

Luke, I don't give a darn! All right?

There's no need to get physical right now. Okay? Don't push me!

- Can we get a thing? - What thing?

Get a thing! For me! For this!

- Name what thing you want! - It's in the trunk of the car!

- It's like a cloth, wet... - Sure! Gimme the keys and I'll get it.

- Here! - A thing? What do you mean, you got a thing?

Oh, there ya go. There you go. Good! Good!

Now you can't even stand up. Gimme the goddamn keys!

Speed.

This is Derek's Dead, scene one, Curt in the morning... Luke in the morning!

So excited!