Original subtitles

[music ]

[ emergency alarm sounding ]

[ tube alert ]

- What's going on?! - What's the emergency?!

- Sorry I'm late!

I had to leave in the middle of my shift.

- Did you get a job at Nacho Ball?

- I got a career at Nacho Ball.

- And when did this career start?

- I went to get some lunch yesterday

and I guess they thought I "had the look."

- Dude. You got discovered.

- They handed me this thing and said,

"You're working drive-through kid, buena suerte."

That'll be twelve thirty-nine,

please pull up to the first window.

- So what exactly is the emergency?

- Uh, it's two days before Christmas

and we still haven't sat around in Christmas sweaters,

read a Christmas book while drinking hot chocolate

by a Christmas fire.

I'd say that's an emergency, Miles.

- Do... you...

love... Christmas?

- No, I don't love Christmas.

I'm obsessed with Christmas.

- Dang girl, you took a long time to answer that question.

- Would you like to nacho-size those balls?

Well there goes that story.

CHAPA: On Christmas Eve, Santa Claus delivers presents

to all the good girls and boys throughout the world.

CHAPA: He has a magic sleigh

and a magic bag of presents that never goes empty.

And his reindeer-- RAY: What's the emergency?!

Sorry, I'm late. I got stuck in

the drive-through line at Nacho Ball.

I guess some jerk just left in the middle of his shift...

- Grab a sweater, I'm reading a Christmas story.

- Oh. You guys wanna hear a Christmas story?

MIKA: Ray... - Sit. Just sit.

- It doesn't matter what you say.

- Sit. - When I was kid...

- Here he goes...

- I heard all the "traditional" "Christmas" "stories."

But there's a lot more to Christmas

than what they "teach" you in "schools."

- Do you know how air quotes work?

- "Yes." Move it.

- What? No. - Get out of my seat.

- No. Off! - Get out of my seat.

- Oh, okay. - There ya go, there it is.

There ya go.

You guys wanna hear... The Real Story of Christmas?

- No. - You wanna...it's rhetorical.

- Oooooo.

[ Mika, Miles and Bose ] - Ew.

- A long time ago, on a little planet

I like to call Earth...

RAY: Mother Nature and Father Time got married,

kissed, and had two boys.

MIKA: What does this have to do with Christmas?

- Next questioner owes me ten pushups!

RAY: One boy was generous and jolly.

The other one was hot. And fun.

CHAPA: Was the jolly one named Santa Claus?

- Yes. And that's ten push-ups.

[ Chapa groans ]

RAY: And his brother was named Krampus.

[ electric guitar sting ]

- Quiet, Schwoz! I'm tryin' to tell a story!

- But I needs to practice my guitar at this very moment!

- Fine. But only play when it makes sense in my story.

- You got it, boss...

[ electric guitar sting ]

- One year, Mother Nature was going to give Krampus

a jet ski for Christmas... but on Christmas Eve,

RAY: Krampus took Father Time's El Camino without permission

and went to an Ugly Kid Joe concert at Red Rocks--

MILES: Excuse me.

When exactly does this story take place?

- Long ago! And you owe me ten, friend.

[ whines ]

- So Father Time gave the jet ski to Santa Claus instead.

In fact, Krampus never got anything that year.

RAY: Or any other year.

Then, Krampus spent the next one thousand years

on the naughty list.

- Whoa... - The math of this story

does not add up.

Two.

- Krampus was so cheesed off with his family

he ran away from home -- to the desert somewhere

outside of San Bernardino.

[ the kids gasp ]

RAY: That's right. For thousands of years,

Krampus drank DeadBull energy drinks in San Bernardee-

'sgusting and grew jealous of Santa Claus.

He also grew two weird horns, because of all the DeadBulls.

RAY: And the jealousy turned him into a powerful demon --

a twisted, annoying, anti-Santa,

who hated his brother and everything about Christmas.

- Where did you get this book?

And I'll take my answer as I do pushups.

- I got it from the truth store! Because it's all true.

Then one day, in the mid-nineties...

RAY: Krampus lured his brother to the desert

with promises of fish tacos, motocross,

and illegal fireworks.

But when he arrived all he found was an angry demonbrother

whose very touch can turn even the goodest of boys and girls

into Christmas-hating dill-weeds.

- [ groans ] Three.

- Santa and Krampus fought an epic battle

in the ruins of San Bernardino's once-mighty outlet malls.

RAY: But Santa defeated his brother and locked him inside

an abandoned clothing store called "Punk Function"

that sold nothing but boot-cut jeans...

[ the kids gasp ]

- giant belt buckles, thumb rings, trucker hats,

and long-sleeved t-shirts with flames on 'em!

[ the kids gasp ]

- Some say... that Krampus is still in that Punk Function

outside of San Bernardino... biding his time,

RAY: waiting for a chance to strike back at his brother

and destroy Christmas forever.

And to all a good night.

- I don't believe any of that.

- Krampus touch!

[ Miles screams ]

[ Ray laughs maniacally ]

[ music ]

- Okay, yeah this isn't much,

but I think Chapa will appreciate us trying

to Christmas up the Man's Nest a little bit.

- I dunno, that tree's a beater.

- But it's our beater.

- And Christmas isn't about trees or decorations, or--

THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER!

- I COULD NOT LOVE THIS MORE!

- THIS TREE IS THE WORST!

- I HATE THIS STUPID TREE!

- I just hope this one stays alive until Christmas.

- It's Christmas Eve, man. - It is?

I forgot to tell Santa what I want!

- Well the Big Man will be here in a few,

you can tell him yourself.

- The big man? You mean Shaq?

- No, sillies. I mean Santa.

- Like, Santa Santa? - The actual Santa Claus?

- Is coming to town?

- He'll be here in five.

I tune up his sleigh every year before Christmas.

How do you think he makes it

around the whole world in one night?

- I thought it was his reinde--

- Do not say it's his reindeer!

It's not his reindeer, his reindeer did not invent

a positronic fuel injector!

- Schwoz. Did you invent a positronic fuel injector?

- Maybe...

[ distant melody ]

[ Miles, Mika and Bose in unison ] - The Corn Lady!!!

- Schwoz, the Corn Lady is down there in her Corn Truck!

- Please buy us some corn from the Corn Lady's Corn Truck?!

- Please?! The Corn Lady's Corn Truck

has the best corn -- pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?!

- Okaaaay. Come on.

But first let me turn off

our Protective Aerial Neutralizing Threat Systems.

I don't want our air defenses to blow Santa out of the sky!

- No way! - That would be terrible!

- And Christmas would be ruined!

- Yah...

[ tube alert ]

- You know what I love most?

- Buying all the corn from the Corn Lady

so no one else can have any? - Oh...that's good too.

I was gonna say when I punch a bad guy so hard that he farts

and then he's like, "Oh, it was just something I ate."

But we both know it's because I punched him so ha--

- Did you do this for me because you know I love Christmas?!

- Sure did.

- Thank you! - Yeah, Schwoz was like,

[ imitating Schwoz ] "Don't do it!"

But I said to him, I said I says,

"Schwoz, I'm the boss around here, okay,

and Chapa really likes Christmas so we're gonna--"

wait. Something's wrong.

- Did someone turn off the Protective Aerial Neutralizing Threat Systems?

- [ gasps ] Our P.A.N.T.S are down!

We're exposed!

VOLT: Why are the P.A.N.T.S down?!

CAPTAIN MAN: The only possible explanation is that Man's Nest

has been infiltrated by a saboteur

and we are under imminent attack from the skies.

VOLT: Incoming.

- Oh... my... god. - I've got an idea.

- I-I-I don't have time to arm the Man Missiles!

- I'll handle it!

- What are you gonna do?!

- I'm gonna wish this guy a Merry Christmas

and a Zappy New Year!!!

Got him!

- Way to sleigh, Volt.

MAN'S VOICE: Ho ho. Ho ho ho ho!

HO HO HO HO! TOO HOT! TOO HOT!

SANTA: Ho ho ho ho! Too hot!

- Is that?

[ Santa moans ]

- IT'S SANTA!

- Ohhhhh, boy...

- IT'S SANTA CLAUS!

- Yeeeeeeaaaah...

- WE SHOT SANTA CLAUS!

- Oh. You shot Santa Claus.

[ holiday music ]

[ '90s rap-rock guitar music ]

- Merry Krampus, kiddies.

It's party time.

[ burps ]

Now, where's my brother..?

- It all just kinda happened.

[ kids all taking at once ]

- Stop talking!

♪ Danger

♪ Whoaaa-oooh

♪ Whoaaa-oooh

♪ Ooooh-ooooh

♪ Danger!

♪ One two three Force!

[ kids in unison ] - Emergency!

- That's just the doorbell. - I know.

[ music ]

- Okay I found a bunch of yarn and some knitting needles!

- We just blew Santa Claus out of the sky

and you want us to knit?!

- It'll give us something to do with our hands

so we can act natural when everyone comes back!

- I don't know how to knit! - Yes you do! Yes you do!

People can knit anything when they're covering up misdeeds!

[ Man's Nest computer beeps ]

- Surprised that the corn lady was out of corn.

- Yeah. All she had left was this stupid ice cream.

- Ice cream's are good.

- They're not when your heart is set on corn.

- So true. - I was thinking--

this is not fair. I was promised corn.

MILES: Like, like hi--key lame.

- Hang on. Are you two knitting?

[ in unison ] - What's that?

- They are!

BOSE: And knitting well...

That's a four-row yarn over buttonholes if I'm not mistaken.

- [ gasps ] You're covering up misdeeds!

- Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? - Buncha' hooey.

- While we were down there not getting any corn...

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Thank you.

We saw some lightning in the sky above the Man's Nest.

- This Man's Nest? - The same.

- Oh. - And what's out there

under that sheet, with the sign that says,

"None of ur b'yazness?"

- Pretty sure it's none of your b'yazness.

- Did my friend Santa Claus ever stop by--

- Chapa zapped him. - Dude!

- Oww!

- You zapped Santa Claus?!

- We thought someone was attacking the Man's Nest!

- So we did what anybody would do

when they're caught with their P.A.N.T.S. down.

- We pulled 'em back online and I blasted Santa Claus

out of the sky and I feel terrible okay

is that what you want to hear?!

- Wait -- is Santa okay?

[ in unison ] - Ehhhhhhh....

- aaaaand clear!

[ Santa mumbles ]

- Hey big fella.

You feeling alright?

- Where am I?

- You are in the Man's Nest.

- Oh. Who am I?

- You are Santa Claus.

- What's a "Santa Claus?"

- Okay.

- Santa Claus doesn't know who he is?!

- He must have hit his head when he fell

because Chapa insisted on blowing him out of the sky.

Ahhh! STOP IT!

- So where is he?!

- Yah, is he running around Swellview on Christmas Eve

not knowing who he is?!

- No! Chapa and I stashed him behind that door

with a bunch of our corn.

- What corn? - Whoooo caaaares?

What's important is that Schwoz figured out a way

to science Santa's memory back.

Until then, the big man is safe and sound behind this door.

[ in unison ] - Huh.

- I'll be darned.

[ music ]

- This thing's toast. I can't fix it.

- Awww, nice try. - Welp, you tried.

- But I think I can fix it.

- Ah thank God. - I thought we were doomed.

- Problem solved!

And to make up for what Chapa did.

- Ohh!

- I'm going to give you guys Christmas Day off.

- No. - Yes!!!

- But Christmas night, you're working.

- The problem is not solved!!! - Awww...

- What's her deal?

- Her deal -- our deal -- everyone's deal is that

because of you two Santa Claus is running around

the streets of Swellview without a brain!

[ Volt and Captain Man gasp ]

- I think he has a brain.

Okay. It's just not working very well.

- Yeah. - Could be worse.

- See now why would you say that?

KRAMPUS: Standing five-foot-sick,

straight outta San Bernardiii-nasty...

ladies love him, men also love him,

it's K-KK- K-K-Krrrrrrraaaaampussssss!

- Hey, I was right! It's worse.

[ music ]

- Where's my brother, uglies?

ANNOYING HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Sick burn, Krampus!

That's gonna sting!!!

- I hate him.

- What's the problem, Hooba-stanks?

Never seen a Christmas-hating, desert demon

look this hot before?!

- I also hate him.

- Me too -- get outta here, Krampus!

Why don't you go back to San Bernardino where you belong.

- Oh, I'll go back to the nine-oh-nine...

But not before I destroy my brother,

and Christmas, forever.

Any of you baby wipes see a magic bag of presents in here?

If I'm gonna put the Kramps on Christmas

I'll have to destroy that thing too dude.

- Oh I think you'll find that bag, shockingly close.

Do you mind? - Not at all...

- Ahh!

- Sorry, can't catch Krampus!

But if you do, consult a physician

because you'll be sick!

ANNOYING HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Side effects include hotness!

ANNOYING VOICE: And diarrhea!

- Oh my god shut [super-screams ] UP!!!

- Ahh!

- Missed me, missed me, now you gotta--

ANNOYING MONSTER RADIO VOICE: KRAMPUS!

- Hey, I can teleport too, you know!

- So?

- Yeah, how does that help? - Can you cause diarrhea?

- Where's my brother? Oooo yeah.

I can smell his Santa stench all over this place.

- Nobody say anything. - He left.

- Seriously?

- Yeah, you told us he lost his memory and ran off, remember?

[ everyone groans but Krampus laughs ]

- S-s-s-sweeeeeet! Looks like you after-school-specials

did half my work for me. Bump it, lil' dude!

- No Bose don't touch him! - No!

- K-K-K-Kramp Life!

- Welcome to K-k-k-k-k-klub Krampusssss, dude!

- Excited to get my Kramp-on!

What are you doorknobs lookin' at?!

- Nooooo!!! - What did you do to him?!

- I got a brother to find, a sack to snatch,

and a beloved holiday to ruin.

Krampus out!

- That guy is sick.

- Okay, this is bad.

- Yeah, you're all definitely working Christmas now.

- If we don't find Santa Claus before Krampus does

there won't be a Christmas for us or anyone else in the world!

- Then let's go get him so Schwoz can fix his brain.

- Errrr! Copy that.

Volt -- we're going Santa huntin'.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no... wait.

You two have harmed Santa enough for today.

- Mika and I will go look for Santa.

You two go find his magic bag of presents.

- How are we gonna do that?

- Okay, I know I'm the only one here who has set up their phone

to get news alerts...

- News is boring. - Lame.

- News alert: You're all Jingle-Dorks.

[ laughs ]

- But sometimes the news alerts come in handy...

- Breaking news.

A large bag of presents has fallen out of the sky.

- Experts say it's a sign that the clouds are happy.

- That's wrong, Mary.

But witnesses say it landed right on top of two dirty kids.

- We'll have both of those kids, and their bag,

in our Impact Segment when we return.

- And in part two of our news--

- Go.

- [ groans ] Fine.

- Oh! Hey, Chapa?

Is there anything else we need to look for?

- Yeah like what happened to the reindeer

after you blasted Santa's sleigh?

Did they just fly away?

- WHO CARES ABOUT THE REINDEER?!

- Sorry!

[ in unison ] - Down the tube!

- Alright. Let's find Santa before Krampus does

and cancels Christmas.

- Christmas is the worst.

Best holiday? T-t-t-t-t-taco Tuesday,

amirite, nerdzzzz?

- I'll work on the sleigh and keep an eye on him.

- I got a scorching case of Krampus.

Symptoms include finger-tats...

and sick guitar riffs!

[ heavy metal music ]

- Please hurry.

[ in unison ] - Down the tube!

[ heavy metal continues ]

- but then our boarding school for English orphans

was taken over by a group of Australian orphans.

Then one day when we were digging for breakfast worms

behind the bus station this large bag of presents

landed right on our heads.

- I'm sorry, I've just been handed a note that says, "Party Time."

- Did someone say, "Party Time?!"

- Indeed, good sir.

That man right there just said it,

after you handed him the note.

- You talk dork. Time to talk cool!

KRAMPUS: T-t-t-taco Tuesday!

- What's up, news-losers?! It stinks in here.

Time for some MAXX Body Spray!

- Good god, no, no!

- Percy, you know I only have one lung!

- Gimme that sack, jack!

I'm gonna blast some Smash Mouth and light it on fire!

- Who are you?!

- His name is Krampus!

And he better take his hands off that sack.

- Oh it's my sack now.

And I'm gonna put my hands all over it!

Ooooo.

Byyyeeeeee! - Let me have it!

Heyyyyy. Alright.

- Ah! You saved the bag of presents!

Now you can give them back to the orphans.

- Uhhhhh... - Oooooo.

- It's actually Santa's bag? So...

- And we need it to save Christmas.

- Good lord, is Christmas in danger?

- Nothing to worry about. - Christmas is not in danger.

- Santa's brain is totally fine. - Everything's gonna be A-okay.

- Christmas is for babies!

When's Taco Tuesdaaayyy?!

- Uh, Tuesday?

- You got quick hands.

But you better gimme that bag, or blondie here gets Kramp'd.

I'll Kramp her.

- You know I can't do that, Krampus.

- Suit yourself, Armani.

News flash: Another stunner just washed up on Krampus Island!

- Nooo!

KRAMPUS: K-K-K-K-Krampus party!

- Who has two thumbs and hates Christmas?

This galll! - This guyyyyy!

- Give it up, Krampus! We've got the bag.

We're gonna find Santa. And we're gonna save Christmas.

Once again, Christmas is in no kind of danger.

Please don't panic.

- Oh yeah? How are you going to save Christmas...

when there's no one left who even likes it!

- Ah. Gah.

KRAMPUS: K-k-k-k-krampons!

- Who's got an energy drink?!

- Coming right up, Krampons!

[ in unison ] - THAT TACO TUESDAY LYYYFE!!!

- LYFE SPELLED WITH A "Y"!

- Let's bolt, Volt.

- Hang on a second.

- That was easy.

- Yeah, I didn't even think it would work,

I just wanted to try--

- Just kidding!

- Ahhh! No!

- Ahhh!

- Go go go go!

- You're gonna have to try harder than that

if you wanna save Christmas, kiddies!

- Looks like this story -- will be continued!

ANNOYING DJ: - K-k-k-k-krampons!

[ air horns blaring ]

[ heavy metal music ]

♪ Always on the scene in the nick of time ♪

♪ The second I see trouble I know I'll be fine ♪

♪ I'm okay

♪ I'm okaaaay!

♪ Danger

♪ Whoaaa-oooh

♪ Whoaaa-oooh

♪ Ooooh-ooooh

♪ Danger!

♪ One two three Force!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0