Original subtitles

Hi.

Sorry, sir, this is a private meeting.

Uh, this is SA, right?

Yeah.

Can I come in?

It's invitation only.

Let... um, Landis.

What?

Landis.

Right? Isn't that the... the password?

- No. - That was last week's password.

Well, that... that's the password

that was given to me, so...

- Who told you? - It's kind of complicated.

Could... could I just come inside, please?

- Sorry, can't let ya in. - Wait, wait, wait.

I've got cookies and doughnuts.

Thanks.

- Now beat it. - No!

Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen!

I'm the Naperville Ripper.

Then go to the cops.

I can't. I need help.

And you may be the only ones who know what's going on.

Okay? There's some seriously weird shit is happening

to me right now.

Please, I have nowhere else to go.

Listen, when he called the hotline,

Zella said he was kind of a douche.

Zella, the woman on the phone?

The one who thinks she's a squirrel?

I mean, uh...

Hey, come on, Scott, lighten up and let the poor guy in.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Scott.

Welcome to Shapeshifters Anonymous.

I'm Irena Reed, chapter president.

- Oh, yeah, hi, I... - Ooh.

It's a beautiful basement.

Thank you.

So, uh, what's your name?

Oh, I thought this was anonymous.

Oh, the founders thought that Shapeshifters Anonymous

had more gravitas.

- Gravitas? - Mm-hmm.

You know, depth.

Sorry, I'm a schoolteacher,

and it's one of our vocab words this week.

When this group was created, they thought that

Shapeshifters Anonymous sounded better than any

of the other potential options.

We were this close to be called Shapeshifters R Us.

Okay.

My name is Robert Weston,

and I have been having a very hard time...

- Mm-hmm. - Lately and I don't know

where else to turn, so...

Well, we find it best to start at the beginning.

About three months ago...

This is gonna sound kind of weird, but I started

finding strange things in my, uh, toilet.

I've never had any health problems before, actually,

I think I'm in pretty good shape, but this threw me.

I couldn't quite figure out what it was.

I mean, it was sort of like little white stones

and bits of fabric.

The doctor asked me to bring in a sample of my, um,

my... my stool.

Mr. Weston?

Okay, I have to ask the obvious first,

have you been eating little stones or strips of fabric?

Not that I know of.

Uh, has your diet changed recently,

eating anything new or exotic?

Says it started three months ago.

- Intermittent? - Two or three times a month.

But then everything's fine.

And you're finding unusual things in your stool.

Every... every time I go to the bathroom, yeah.

Mm, well, let's take a look.

You... you have a roommate?

Anybody that likes to play practical jokes?

I, uh... I live alone.

You drink?

- Um... - Use drugs?

Deep breath.

I have the occasional beer.

Uh-huh.

You ever drink too much, black out?

There have been a few times where things have

gotten fuzzy, kind of like... sleepwalking, I guess.

- Ooh! - Hang on. I think I found something.

- Doc. - Alright, hang on.

Jesus.

And now we are getting somewhere.

Let's see here.

Looks like we have a coat button.

A piece of a zipper.

And 20, 40, 63 cents in change.

I didn't eat those things.

Well, had to end up inside you one way or another.

Well, just count yourself lucky.

I once had a patient who, while sleepwalking, logged

into an internet casino, lose $78,000.

And he came to see you about his sleepwalking?

Oh no, he came to set his broken nose

after his wife found out.

Look, I... I don't... I don't think it's anything serious, alright.

I... I'll prescribe a mild sleep aid to help you

with your late-night snacking.

You might just wanna go through your place and, you know,

get rid of anything that looks... tasty.

Now, I know, I have an associate...

Let me guess. They recommended a shrink.

Yeah, how'd you know?

Because they're fucking idiots,

and they don't know anything.

So, how did the murders come into play?

The Ripper has been a very busy boy these days.

- What do you remember? - I don't remember anything.

I just... I... I have these blackouts, and then I wake up

and things I find are... gross.

I'm actually really surprised that you didn't go to the cops.

You seem like a really straight-up guy.

I am.

- I'm not a murderer, I... - Hey.

Maybe we should just start the meeting.

Um, everyone, this is Robert Weston.

Sorry, they're not very social when there's food

in front of them.

Is this for real?

Well, do you believe that you're a therianthrope?

A person who changes into an animal when the moon is full?

I mean, I don't know.

A couple days ago, I didn't believe in any of this.

So now I'm at a support group for werewolves,

- and it's a little... - Is that what you turn into?

A wolf?

What else is there?

I'm a were-cheetah.

- A were-cheetah? - Mm-hmm.

Is that why you wore the blouse?

Oh no, no, I just... I... I actually turn

into a cheetah. Rrruh.

Okay.

Which is really ironic, because, you know,

I'm a schoolteacher.

You know. And... we expel cheetahs.

Get it?

Okay, I think I'm gonna go.

Hey, no, you shouldn't leave.

Why not? This is ludicrous.

I mean, have you not heard what I have been saying to you?

I think I am killing people.

Like, innocent people.

Yes, I get it.

But if you are what you think you are...

then you belong here with us.

Now, please.

Continue, please.

When I first started figuring out what was going on,

I started doing some research,

and I found the hidden URL, and I called the hotline,

and talked to Zella, and that's how I found...

- you guys. - Mm-hmm.

Those... those people that I killed...

They were all bad people.

I mean, one was a mobster.

There was a sex offender.

A thief, another was a defense attorney

that defended child molesters.

So if you think about it, you actually made the world

a slightly better place.

I mean, given a choice, therianthropes usually

choose the wicked over the good.

The creatures inside of us, we... we just...

We find evil tastier.

Well, that... that is...

a big relief.

Wow. god, that's good to know.

So, um...

who is everybody?

Oh, uh, that's Scott Howard, ex-Marine.

He's a were-tortoise.

- A were-tortoise? - Mm-hmm.

Like you turn into a turtle?

Yeah.

With the scales and the shell that is your home?

That's the one.

Do you shrink down, or are you full size?

Full size.

Do you eat people?

No.

Not all therianthropes are carnivores,

otherwise, there'd be a lot more dead bodies lying around.

So then like when you change,

what do you do?

I eat lettuce.

Is it evil lettuce?

I'm gonna put your sarcasm down as you being on the edge

of a nervous breakdown, so I'll ignore that one.

I'm sorry, I was not being sarcastic, I...

Hey, it's okay.

Um, that's Phyllis Allenbee.

She's a furry.

You're kidding.

No, she likes to put on hippo outfit

and just dance around.

I'm sorry, I... I don't really get it.

I've never really understood the whole like dressing up

as an animal and doing it thing,

but she never misses a meeting, so...

Why do you let her stay?

We just feel sorry for her, I guess.

Hey! New guy!

Andy McDermott, were-boar.

You turn into a pig?

Actually, when the full moon rises, I change

into someone vastly self-interested, and I talk

incessantly about the worthless minutia going on in my life.

"A bore."

Get it? A bore. Were-bore.

Actually, I'm kidding.

Yeah, I turn into a pig.

You mean, a bigger pig, right, Andy?

God, you are so fucking hot, Irena.

When are we gonna get together?

Have ourselves a litter of little "kiggens," huh?

Let's make this happen.

Mm, you know, I really don't know, maybe

on the first of never, Andy, and they wouldn't be

"kiggens," they would be "pitties."

Snap. Shoot that pig down, girl.

Really?

Who's that guy?

That? That's Ryan.

Just Ryan?

That's all he's ever told us. I mean, doesn't talk.

Never says a word.

But he comes to every meeting, right?

But look at him, he just sits there.

Thinks he's the Terminator.

What does he turn into?

No one really knows but, um, it's gotta be something,

or he wouldn't be here, right?

Oh man, I got chocolate on my face.

Hey, good thing I got brown pants on, right?

So, uh, I heard at the door...

You're the Naperville Ripper. Huh?

What kind of therianthrope you turn into?

What, are you like a were-rat?

I, um, just always assumed I was a werewolf.

What's so funny?

Everyone assumes they're a werewolf at first,

because it's the most popular therianthrope.

Right, I mean, look, they get all the good press.

Right? They get all the books, they get all the movies.

Never gonna catch a flick called

"An American Were-boar in London."

- Or "The Oinking." - Right.

Because we can't remember what we do when we've changed,

we all at first just assume werewolf.

But if you can't figure out what you do when you change,

how do you figure out what you've changed into?

Well, me, I... I set up my phone and I filmed it.

- You wanna see it? I have it. - Oh, please, don't say yes.

The last time he showed us a video

was of some girl and him doing the nasty.

And it was real nasty.

Okay, honest mistake, alright?

Bro, she was a college cheerleader

majoring in massage therapy.

- I was bowlegged for a week. - That's not how...

Bowlegged, that's not what the term means.

She was an elderly woman, and she had a walker.

Okay, you know what? Why don't you mind

your own business, you fur-vert, alright?

You are not even a real therianthrope.

I am in my heart.

You know, Phyllis, when the full moon rises,

you don't turn into a hippo.

You turn into an idiot who puts on a hippo outfit, and

you skip around like some demented children's show host.

- Mm-mm. - Du-du-du-du-du.

Yeah, keep talking and I'm gonna turn you into

the other other white meat, ham boy.

Okay, alright, whatever hungry, hungry hippo.

- Yeah, okay, bacon bit. - Okay. Okay, everybody,

please, stop, we're all adults here, so let's act like it.

So, is there any other way I can find out what I am?

Yes, actually, there is.

Testing equipment.

Hold out your hand.

- Do you feel anything? - No.

It's catnip.

It's a shame.

You would have made a really cute kitty.

Okay, Jesus, give me that, alright.

Give... give it, give me it. Give me it. Give me it.

If we let her, she'll play with this all day. God.

Alright, uh, here we go.

Try this.

Just...

- Oh my God. - Oh my God.

Jesus, what the hell was that?

Are you okay?

- I'll be damned. - What?

That was wolfsbane.

You're a lycanthrope.

Okay, so I'm a werewolf.

Oh my God, we have never had a werewolf in this group before.

This is so exciting. How did you become a werewolf?

- I don't know. - Is your mother or father a werewolf?

It's a recent development, Scott.

I inherited a recessive gene from my mother, Shellen.

I've been a therianthrope since birth.

What about a gypsy?

Were you cursed by a gypsy recently?

No, of course... wait.

- Merry Chris... - Yeah, you too, pal.

- Oh, hello. - You are loud man.

Loud man.

I'm sorry, ooh, excuse me.

Okay, excuse me, I said.

I'm sorry.

- You are loud. - Jesus.

- You keep it down in there. - Okay, I will keep it down.

You know, there is a thing called earplugs...

- Loud man! - Which you can purchase

at any pharmacy, which I'm sure you know all about.

- I hear it all! - Thank you. Thank you.

Got it.

Okay, I get it! I know!

I curse you!

With the discovery of

Martin Colive brings the Ripper's body count to four.

In the last three months, the remains of Waldemar Daminski,

66, a local businessman with known ties

to Polish organized crime was found,

along with those of Tony Rivers, 22,

who was decapitated after robbing a liquor store

and beating the owner unconscious.

Police recently identified victim number three,

Ginger Fitzgerald, who recently lost custody

of her daughter after locking her in a closet

for a week without food or water.

For JBN Channel 4 News, I'm Ann Pool.

Thanks, Anne.

In other news, Christmas is right around the corner,

and Santa's Army Redemption is being spotted

all over town.

Hi, Mr. Weston.

This is Family Medical Center calling on behalf of

Dr. Talbot, we received your test results,

and we need you to come back for further testing.

Can you please give us a call back so we can

schedule your next appointment.

I curse you.

I think I was cursed from my brushing my teeth

too loud.

Well, it... it looks like you're in luck, because, um...

it's the easiest type to cure.

Oh, who cares about a cure?

I like being a were-tortoise.

Yeah, Scott, that's because when you change,

all you do is eat salad and swim around

in your bathtub, okay?

I root through garbage and eat aluminum cans.

Alright, I'm all for recycling, but have any of

you ever tried to shit out

a six-pack of Budweiser tall boys?

Listen, Weston is a carnivore like Irena.

They eat people.

It's gotta weigh heavy on his conscience.

Do you... do you ever feel guilty about it?

About eating people?

Honestly, no, I really don't.

It's in our nature.

And, plus, I get to eat any dipshit faculty member

that pisses me off.

So let's say I wanted to go back to normal,

how would I go about doing that?

Just go back to the gypsy that cursed you,

and beg her to take the curse off, yeah.

- Yeah, that's right. - Yeah.

That might be a little hard.

Oh fuck.

I ate her.

- And I ate her dog. - Oh my God. What?

And I peed all over her hedges.

Why would you do that?

I think I was marking my territory.

I don't know.

I've done that.

I've done that.

Tough break, man, but, uh, you'll get used to it,

you know? But in the meantime, you might wanna get yourself

a nice, sturdy leash, though.

You know what?

I think it's time that we start this meeting.

Start the meeting? So the meeting hasn't started yet?

Come on, everybody, join hands.

And let's recite the Shapeshifters Anonymous credo.

Repeat after me.

I, state your name.

I, Robert Weston.

Agree to abide by the rules of ethics.

Agree to abide by the rules of ethics.

As set forth by Shapeshifters Anonymous.

As set forth by Shapeshifters Anonymous.

I agree to do my best to use my abilities.

I agree to do my best to use my abilities.

For the good of man and therianthrope kind.

For the good of man and therianthrope kind.

I agree to do my best to help any therianthrope

who comes to me in need.

I agree to do my best to help any therianthrope

who comes to me in need.

I agree to do my best not to devour any nice people.

I agree to do my best not to devour any nice people.

I promise to avoid Kris Kringle,

the dreaded Santa Claus and his many evil helpers.

I, um... I think... I didn't under... what does that mean?

Santa Claus is a Therianthrope Hunter.

Santa Claus, the mythical, jolly character loved by millions?

He kills shapeshifters.

You're kidding.

No one's sure how our kind got started.

Some say black magic.

Some say interspecies breeding,

though I don't buy into that malarkey.

Some say therianthropes date back to the very beginning,

to the Garden of Eden, when man and werebeast lived in harmony.

The Bible doesn't tell the whole story.

Certain religious leaders over the years have edited it

as they see fit.

Entire books were taken out.

There... there's no werewolves in the Bible.

They were edited out.

Pay attention, son.

You'll learn something.

See, the Lord blessed one of his disciples, Bob,

with the gift of lycanthrophy, to do his work by

devouring evil.

But Bob became prideful of his accomplishments.

Oh, that angered God.

So, to put Bob in his place,

God granted one of Bob's enemies, Kristofer,

a red suit of impenetrable armor and ordered him

to smite all therianthropes.

God also blessed domesticated beasts

with the power to fly through the sky and pull

Kristofer's warship of destruction

throughout the world.

Let me guess. Kris, son of Kringle.

Bob and Kristofer fought.

And Bob proved victorious.

But Kristofer, God's chosen avenger,

felt betrayed, so he turned to the other side

for assistance.

- The other side? - Lucifer!

Beelzebub, the Devil himself.

Lucifer gave Kristofer a fiercesome weapon shaped

like the talons of an eagle forged in the fires of hell.

He called the weapon Satan's Claws.

And Kristofer recruited an army of helpers

to rid the world of Bob and his kind.

Oh, they found us. They're here.

- Who? - Battle stations.

Battle stations? What?

I...

Jesus.

Oh, there's gotta be hundreds of them.

Fuck me.

Those are his little red helpers?

So you're telling me Kris Kringle

and his magical red suit and Satan's Claw,

which I guess over time has turned into Santa Claus,

is coming here to kill therianthropes

with a bunch of shopping mall Santas?

Santa Claus has come to town.

Stay in formation!

It burns!

Come on, come on!

Could someone please kill that alarm?

Wait, these are the people we're fighting

for our lives against?

It's the way it's always been.

What about the toy stuff?

Kringle's killed tens of thousands of therianthropes

over the centuries, leaving many children orphans.

He started to feel some remorse after slaughtering

their parents, he began to leave toys behind.

- Kringle gave this to me... - Oh.

- When I was seven years old... - Gross.

Right after murdering my parents.

- Yikes. - He also gave me a train set.

Weston, we don't have time for this.

We need to get ready!

Look, look, look!

Look, look, I can accept the shapeshifting, okay?

And the wolfsbane, that was very... that was fucking creepy,

but you want me to believe that

every single volunteer with a Santa suit

and a bell is out to murder us?

I mean, I see these people everywhere.

I... I mean, they're on every street corner.

They're in the shopping centers.

I saw one by my apartment just this morning.

You saw one today? Where?

- Naperville. - What?

What'd he say to you?

I... you know, Scott, I don't know.

He was a little bit out of his mind.

- What? - He said something about...

_

Merry Christmas.

There's a killer on the loose in Naperville.

Only comes out when the moon is full.

Naughty boys, they get what they deserve.

Their heads severed from the unholy bodies.

The only way we die is old age or beheading.

Son of a bitch.

They must have followed you.

Look, we need to call the cops.

And tell them what?

I thought you said the police were a waste of time.

Everybody has conflicting information.

Come on.

Whoa.

- You ever fired a 9mm? - No.

Turn off the safety on the side.

Then pull back the top part.

That's the slide, loads the bullet into the chamber.

Now all you have to do is aim, pull the trigger.

Red suits are Kevlar, so aim for the face.

Yipee-ki-yay, mother...

Sorry. Sorry that... that won't happen.

Choose your shots carefully, people.

We don't have a lot of ammo.

Ryan, can you fire a weapon?

Damn it, man, we need you.

- Shouldn't we go? - That's the only door.

What?

If we make it out of this alive,

would you wanna go out with me?

I'd like that.

Which part? Making it out alive or going out with me?

Both.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Don't fire until you see the whites of the beards.

Ho!

Ho! Ho!

Naughty boy.

- Naughty boy! - Hey, Santa!

Got some milk and cookies for ya.

Where did you learn to shoot like that?

I teach high school.

Duck!

Nice.

Yeah, well, you know?

Oop. Sorry. I got it. I got it.

They're retreating. Hold your fire.

Hold your fire.

Sorry, I couldn't hear ya. It's a loud gun.

- Jesus. - Oh my Go...

- Andy, you're bleeding. - Oh.

Everyone okay?

Well, uh, we sure kicked some Santa ass.

Let's see you try climbing down a chimney now, shithead.

Bitch!

It isn't over.

Did you just say something?

Here comes Santa Claus.

Here comes Santa Claus.

Here comes Santa Claus.

Ho, ho, ho.

- My God. - Alright.

Who still has ammo?

- I'm out. - Me, too.

I have, uh, two bullets.

Ha!

Okay, okay.

We'll... we'll have to make do.

Everyone, grab a weapon.

Chris Kringle's a lot more powerful

than his helpers, but maybe if we all strike at once,

we'll have a chance.

Weston can't even keep his clip in his gun, alright?

Ryan is sitting on his ass like a pud.

Alright, give... give me this.

Alright?

- Where are you? - Scott,

you really think we can fend off that thing?

And its Satan's Claws?

It's gonna rip us to pieces.

- We don't have a choice. - Alright, well, listen,

you know what? I don't wanna get sliced up, alright?

- I'm... I'm too pretty. - Calm down, son.

You're not helping the situation.

Fine, you know what? You guys go ahead and fight,

alright? I'm gonna take off this red suit

- and pretend to be dead. - There's a way.

You actually gonna get your ass up and help?

Santa's come to town.

I've been saving these.

Tell me that's cyanide.

Please tell me that's cyanide, 'cause I am so drinking it.

It's a metamorphosis potion.

Allow you to change into your therianthrope form

and retain your human intellect.

Where'd you get these?

I've had these for a long time.

How do you know they work?

I know.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

I guess it can't hurt to try.

I will find you.

You can't hide from the Claus!

I'm... I'm just... I'm not a therianthrope,

I'm just a furry.

You're one of us.

Ho, ho, ho.

How 'bout you?

No.

Ah!

I've got presents.

Okay, well, here goes nothing.

Ah!

Ho, ho, ho.

Time to die.

I can still think.

I can even talk.

Here goes nothing.

You look amazing.

What?

There's still some frosting inside.

I guess it's my turn.

Well, shit, I don't even have my damn hippo suit here.

Well, at least give me the damn gun.

Your turn.

You'll be fine.

Drink it.

Hey, guys, hurry up, alright?

Here comes Santa Claus.

Oh. Ooh.

Hello, sexy. Rawr.

Kringle is coming! We don't have time for this.

Alright, let's do this.

You and Mrs. Santa Claus's too.

Ooh, Scott, incoming!

Scott!

Ahh!

What?

Oh my God.

Look at those claws.

We're... we're not getting out of here, guys.

Oh shit.

Sa-sa-Santa.

Please, help me.

Oh, man.

Oh God, pray for me.

Scott, what are you doing? Are you crazy?

Your reign of evil ends today, Kringle.

Ha-ha-ha.

Holy shit!

Robert Weston, werewolf.

You're on my list.

Irena Reed, were-cheetah.

- Stay behind me. - You're on my list, too.

Wanna sit on Santa's lap, little girl?

What the hell are you?

You're bacon.

Andy McDermott.

I'm a were-boar.

Yes, you're also on my list.

Who is this naughty girl?

Phyllis Lawanda Morisha Talena Allenbee.

Am I on your stupid ass list, too?

I do not believe so.

No?

Are you sure about that, fat man?

I'll be happy to check it twice.

Are you saying I'm not one of them?

'Cause I am one of them.

I am one of them... in my heart.

- A giant sack of... - Enough!

I'm tired, Kristofer.

I've been running for far too long.

Who are you, little human?

Here comes Santa Claus.

Here comes Santa Claus.

That voice.

I know that voice.

Yeah. Yeah, you do.

I had a little work done to my face.

You know, my human face.

Think you're gonna recognize this one, though.

Ah.

It's gonna be a merry fucking Christmas.

I should have killed you, bastard. You son of a bitch.

I'm gonna slice you into ribbons, you furry fuck!

Motherfucker.

Oh, you furry bastard, I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna skin you alive.

Furry fuck!

I'm gonna send you...

Ahhh!

Am I on your list now, motherfucker?

You killed Kris Kringle.

Damn easy, too.

Why didn't you do that 5,000 years ago?

I didn't know that was possible.

That was... wow.

Well... what happened?

Phyllis killed Kringle.

You go, girl.

Okay.

You all fought bravely today.

Even the pig.

For your bravery, you all have full control

of your therianthrope powers.

Y'all be able to transform at will,

and maintain control of your inner creatures.

Hold on, wait a minute.

How 'bout me?

I am the one who killed the jolly ol' bastard.

Right. Um...

I could turn you into a werewolf if you'd like.

Uh, these guys already offered me that.

No, I don't wanna be no turtle or no cheetah

or no dumbass pig.

No offense, Andy.

Uh, none taken.

My inner animal is a hippopotamus.

That's what I wanna be.

I'm sorry, Phyllis, those are the extent of my powers.

But maybe.

- Just maybe. - Maybe what?

I don't even know if this will work.

It's a long shot. It really is.

Spill the beans, Lon Chaney.

Try sitting on Santa's lap.

You serious?

What? He has a lot of magic.

Maybe there's some left. It's worth a shot, right?

Get... shu...

You wanna be a hippopotamus?

Um, okay, ooh, now what?

Now make a Christmas wish, Phyllis.

The most earnest and heartfelt wish you've ever made.

Oooh!

I'm sorry, Phyllis. I really am.

I wish there was something else I could do.

- You deserve it. - It's okay.

Uh.

Holy fuck, Phyllis. That's Lil Yachty.

Come take you home, make love to you all night, girl.

But first, let's hit the bank and get you that $100 million.

Okay.

You know, I killed some of these motherfuckers.

See ya next week!

Would you... would you, um, maybe wanna get a cup of coffee?

No, thanks though.

Instead,

why don't you just come to my apartment?

I have a leash and a king-sized bed.

To be fair, most people have king-sized beds.

It's a California king.

I don't know the difference.

Let me show you.

Oh man.