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1
00:00:01,260 --> 00:00:07,048
Two households, both alike in dignity,
in fair Tring, where we set our scene.
2
00:00:07,048 --> 00:00:11,693
Ancient grudges have been forgot, thanks
to these star-crossed lovers.
3
00:00:11,693 --> 00:00:14,426
I love it when you
quote old shit.
4
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,600
Smooch, how's your breakfast?
5
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,440
Frank cooked it special, you know,
6
00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:20,800
to say sorry for all them
practical jokes.
7
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:23,600
You stopped being mean to Alfie,
ain't you, Frank?
8
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,200
Ugh! Yeah. Yes, he has.
9
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,040
No more pubes on my toothbrush.
10
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:30,000
Aw, I knew you two was
going to get on.
11
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:35,600
Ding dong! All passengers for Posh
Paws Pet Salon, please disembark.
12
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:36,880
Woof, woof!
13
00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:42,400
Oh, Mart, you're so funny.
Say goodbye to Daddy, Coco.
14
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:44,440
Bye-bye, Daddy!
15
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,080
Bye-bye, Coco!
16
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,040
Come here, you big hunk of man.
17
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,680
Please don't!
18
00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:50,840
Oh, God.
19
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:57,160
Oh...
20
00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:59,440
You put them in my sandwich,
didn't you?
21
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:33,640
Do you know why I have summoned you
here, to the Embassy of Bantartica?
22
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,440
To tell him to dump Grayson's mum?
No.
23
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,440
Although, as Headmaster, Martin,
24
00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,960
I am formally obligated
to remind you
25
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,760
that you are seriously punching
above your ruddy weight.
26
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:44,800
What's your secret?
27
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,320
I'm like the Tory party.
28
00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,360
I perform very well down south.
29
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:51,040
Right, you, shut up.
You, why are we here?
30
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,560
The local education authority
have forced me
31
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,480
to run background checks
on the staff,
32
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:57,760
boring.com/bullshit.
33
00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:59,720
However, in the rummage,
34
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:02,800
I have discovered Alf's guilty
little secret.
35
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,560
Ugh, God! Is this about
my Harry Potter audition?
36
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,240
Alf got down to the final three,
37
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,440
just pipped at the post
38
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,080
by Emma Watson.
39
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:14,040
I'm talking about your GCSE Biology,
or absence thereof.
40
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,080
Ooh, the GCSE story.
41
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,200
Let me dust off me
old book of yarns.
42
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,720
Get on with it.
43
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:29,600
It was young Alf's GCSE term
44
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:33,840
and he was having to deal with
some pretty brutal bullying.
45
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:38,120
His mother and I never got to the
bottom of why they picked on him.
46
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,720
Alfie was also struggling
with biology.
47
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:45,840
Luckily though, Alf wasn't the only
neglected soul at the school.
48
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:48,960
A friendship was born.
49
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:54,600
That young janitor from Boston
taught Alf everything he knew.
50
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,640
Come his exam,
he was brimming with confidence.
51
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,080
What happened?
52
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,640
He got a U. Oh.
53
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,200
Turned out the janitor didn't know
anything about biology.
54
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:07,880
Or much else for that matter.
55
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:09,440
The man had an IQ of 40.
56
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,080
He was tutoring Alfie
in a strain of pataphysics
57
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,280
he claimed a lizard had
taught him in a dream.
58
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,200
So what? I failed an exam, like,
seven years ago.
59
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:20,360
I suppose now you're going to tell me
that I'm not allowed to teach anymore.
60
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,120
Yes, I am. I can't employ you
without your core GCSEs.
61
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,040
You're going to have to sit biology
along with the other candidates.
62
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,320
Me? Do an exam with the kids?
63
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,920
But I haven't done biology
since I was, like, 16.
64
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:33,240
Well, I tell you what, I could
probably give you an A to Z
65
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,120
on the Ps and Qs of
the birds and bees.
66
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,000
Right, anything but that.
67
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,720
Alfie Wickers,
can you concentrate please?
68
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,400
Can I go to the loo?
It's "May I go to the loo,"
69
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,600
and no, you can't, because you've
already been three times.
70
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,760
Now, carbon dioxide plus water
71
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,480
equals glucose, and...
72
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:58,680
Yes, Alfie? Can - sorry - MAY you
teach me the equation
73
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,480
of how to cook crystal meth?
74
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,040
Just in case I fail the exam.
75
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:03,960
Well, you won't fail
if you concentrate.
76
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,800
Er, Miss, when do we
get to see a fanny?
77
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,640
If you ask nicely, maybe your
brother will let you see his.
78
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,360
Ooh! Settle down please.
79
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,160
He ain't my brother.
80
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:14,600
Sorry, can I just point out,
81
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:15,720
I don't have a fanny.
82
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,840
Why have you predicted us
all A stars, Miss?
83
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:21,920
Because, Joe, nothing is more
powerful than self belief.
84
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,520
Yeah, but, Rosie, in Joe's defence,
85
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,160
he's about as likely to get an A star
86
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:26,640
as he is to win Rear of the Year.
87
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:28,200
In my defence?
88
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,840
Joe's right, when we crash and burn,
89
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:32,040
our 'rents are going to be
mucho sad face.
90
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,680
Other than Jing's obviously.
91
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,920
Yeah, obviously.
Jing's going to get ten A stars
92
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,120
and a scholarship to an
all-girls private school.
93
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,400
So, obviously Jing's
going to be fine.
94
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,600
Sorry, babe.
It's not your fault.
95
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,120
My parents are obsessed with me
getting this scholarship.
96
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,600
Remember, Jing, parents only want
what's best for you.
97
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,200
Yeah, I mean parents
always say that,
98
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,760
but sometimes what
parents actually want
99
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:55,000
is really, really shit
for everyone involved.
100
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,120
Are you saying my mum ain't
good enough
101
00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,160
for your saggy-bollocked
prick of a dad? No, Frank.
102
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:03,000
What I'm saying is that
when my father is motorboating
103
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:06,760
your ridiculously-titted,
dog-bothering mother over breakfast,
104
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,720
that perhaps they don't have
our best interests at heart.
105
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,200
You leave Coco out of this.
106
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:12,760
Who the hell is Coco?
107
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,040
The rat his mother
keeps in her handbag.
108
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,680
Coco is a pedigree Chihuahua.
109
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,200
Probably the ugliest dog I've ever
seen in my entire life.
110
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,160
I'm warning you! It looks a bit like
someone glued some whiskers
111
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:24,680
onto a junkie's scrotum.
112
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,560
OK, I'm sorry. Frank! Oh...
113
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:35,520
...Fireball Tomahawk rockets?
114
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:36,600
Freeze!
115
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,960
Uh-oh, it's the MILF hunter.
Any last requests?
116
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,760
Does your missus have a sister?
No, but her mother's quite tasty.
117
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,440
Excuse me.
Yes, 30 litres of gasoline.
118
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,480
I'm organising the kids'
end of exam party.
119
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,560
Ingredients - one skip, one match
and a whole heap of textbooks.
120
00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:52,120
About that, the skip party's off.
121
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,000
Council were very clear.
No more fires.
122
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,200
Yeah, well, there's always
a killjoy somewhere,
123
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,720
living in a thatched cottage.
124
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:02,160
Martin, I think you need
to call Frank's mother.
125
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:04,080
There's a problem. Oh, God!
126
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,120
Has Frank found our home videos?
127
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,280
No...
128
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:12,240
Tell me everything you know
about nitro-glycerine.
129
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:19,480
Now, this morning,
I had to break-up a fight.
130
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,720
He started it! No, I didn't. Dad,
he called you a prick.
131
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,880
Boys will be boys.
They were just play fighting.
132
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,280
He called Coco a rat.
133
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:28,880
What?!
134
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:31,360
Did I? I don't remember saying that.
135
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,840
You can say what
you like about Frank. I can?
136
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:36,440
You can call him a useless mongrel.
Bit harsh.
137
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,880
You can call him a selfish,
bed-wetting, little bastard,
138
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:40,560
who made his dad up and leave. Whoa!
139
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,960
But don't you dare be rude
about my little princess.
140
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,200
Right, um, I wouldn't say
any of those things about Frank,
141
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:48,960
mainly cos he scares
the shit out of me,
142
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:53,520
but also because underneath
the bravado and the pube sandwiches,
143
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,360
I know that he's a good kid.
144
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,200
Alfie's absolutely right. I'm not
sure you should be calling...
145
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,360
You have no right to tell me
how to bring up my boy. Martin?
146
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:03,040
Perhaps you should try... Martin!
147
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,640
You're bang out of order, Rosie.
148
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:08,080
Mrs Grayson, I'm not telling you
how to raise your children.
149
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,760
Behavioural problems are
sometimes linked to jealousy.
150
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,320
Not jealous, Miss.
Don't deserve Mummy's love.
151
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:14,520
Coco's pedigree.
152
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,000
I'm... I'm not pedigree.
153
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,680
OK. Um, here's an idea.
154
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,920
How about we just say sorry to each
other and then we can all move on?
155
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:30,080
I think that's a wonderful idea.
Frank, I...
156
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,800
Well?
157
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,160
You want me to talk to the dog?
158
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,800
Coco, I'm very sorry
159
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,160
for saying that you look
like a junkie's scrotum.
160
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:44,280
Martin?
161
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:45,360
Well done, Alfie.
162
00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,600
No, Martin! You as well.
163
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,960
You hurt her feelings.
But I didn't...
164
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,240
Sorry, Coco.
165
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,960
See!
166
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:02,000
That wasn't so hard, was it?
167
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,360
Silly old man, won't be having
any of Mummy's pudding tonight,
168
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,720
will he, Coco?
169
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,280
Nice to see your father's found
himself another nutcase.
170
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,160
I mean how does he find them?
171
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,840
Look, I know it's tricky with Frank,
172
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:21,320
but you and your class have
to stay focused on this exam.
173
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,360
Rosie, you know I have the utmost
respect for your judgment,
174
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,360
but A stars? For my class?
175
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:27,480
Are you mental?
176
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,240
But don't you realise what an
amazing opportunity you have here?
177
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,440
You can stand shoulder to
shoulder with these kids,
178
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,680
going through the same ordeal
together, as equals.
179
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,960
Alfie, you can inspire them
to do great things.
180
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,840
The only way we can pass
the biology exam
181
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,920
is if we cheat. Agreed?
182
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,160
Agreed! Boys and girls,
183
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:50,880
prepare to be transformed
into ruthless cheating machines.
184
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,320
This is your Tour de France
185
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:56,240
and I am your dodgy Italian doctor
186
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:57,960
with a suitcase full of blood.
187
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,960
The Sit Behind The Clever Kid method.
188
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,080
Here we go.
189
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:06,080
One smart kid makes their work
visible for the cheats
190
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,760
slipstreaming either side of them.
191
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,440
Apropos of nothing,
192
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,440
Jing, how big is your handwriting?
193
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:15,120
The Water Bottle method.
194
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,560
The invigilators are required
195
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,960
to allow you to take a bottle
of water into the exam.
196
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,640
We simply steam the
labels off the bottle,
197
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:26,320
write the answers on the inside
of them and then stick them back on.
198
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:27,640
The Plaster method.
199
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,400
Same logic applies.
Answers underneath,
200
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,400
then simply peel back
when necessary.
201
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:34,600
The Tissue method.
202
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,800
We write the answers
on the tissues in this box,
203
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,280
then swap it for the one
in the exam hall.
204
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,400
If you're stuck, all you need
to do is fake a cold.
205
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:45,400
Or have a wa... Fake a cold and the
answers are literally handed to you.
206
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,040
The Wheelchair method.
207
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,280
All you need to get through this
is a false bottom.
208
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,240
Is that what your mum told you when
she sent you to boarding school?
209
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:56,080
I meant in his wheelchair.
It's an old shoplifter's trick.
210
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,200
What?
211
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,480
The Tapping method. Perfect
for multiple choice questions.
212
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:09,760
I merely tap out the number
of the question that I'm stuck on.
213
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,200
And then whoever has the answer,
taps it out back to me.
214
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:15,840
Memento method.
215
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,000
Write down answers
on parts of your body
216
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,920
that are concealed by your uniform.
217
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,960
The more body space, the better!
218
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,480
Get in!
219
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,120
And, for my final trick,
the Smartphone!
220
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,800
They get confiscated, you fool!
221
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:30,400
Oh, my God, how am I going to
retweet all my little monsters?
222
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,360
Never fear, because
I will be handing in a dummy phone,
223
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:37,040
leaving me free to use my toilet
breaks to consult my actual phone,
224
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:40,560
which I have sneakily planted in a
designated toilet cubicle
225
00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:41,880
before the exam.
226
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:44,520
While you're in there, you can
give your mum a bell.
227
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,160
Her number's still
on the toilet wall.
228
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:48,520
My number's up there too, Sir.
229
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:50,800
You know, phone a
friend with benefits.
230
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,680
Yeah, as opposed to my dad,
who has a friend on benefits.
231
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,720
Is that it then?
Can we get back to revising now?
232
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:58,800
Not quite.
233
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,720
If all else fails,
I have a trusted third party
234
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,640
waiting to receive an
all-clear text message.
235
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,240
If that text doesn't come through,
they will call the school,
236
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:08,760
claiming to be from the hospital,
237
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,920
saying that my grandmother has
been in a terrible accident.
238
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,960
Whole exam rendered null and void.
239
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,880
But, Sir, who would tell
such a horrific lie?
240
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,880
Oi, oi, Dickers! Sounds like your
bollocks have finally dropped.
241
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,200
Right, I only get one call a day,
so this better be good.
242
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,600
Martin? Ssh,
243
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,560
I've just got Coco off to sleep.
244
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,920
I'm babysitting while Catherine
redecorates Coco's boudoir.
245
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:43,480
She wants it to be a surprise.
Martin, are you 100% happy?
246
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,320
Please don't wake her up!
247
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:48,360
She wouldn't stop barking. I had
to slip a little whisky in her milk.
248
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,160
Oh, God, don't tell me she's making
you wear that as a breast?
249
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:57,720
See you in there.
250
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,840
Oh, I'm not invigilating the exam.
251
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,400
What? But you have to!
252
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,280
When you invigilate it's so much
easier to cheat...
253
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:07,080
expectations and exceed academically.
254
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,440
Remember when you sent me that clip
255
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,960
of a geriatric man
singing with his genitals?
256
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,200
And remember how
I accidentally broadcast it
257
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,600
to an exam full of children?
258
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,600
Best prank ever! Yeah, well, since
then, they've been a bit weird
259
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,080
about me invigilating exams.
260
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,840
But fear not, my replacement is
the best in the business,
261
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,360
the legendary Mr Hewston.
262
00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:29,400
You do know Maurice Hewston?
Never heard of him.
263
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,560
Maurice is the most ruthless,
ball-breaking cheat buster
264
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,680
ever to have removed a child's
nipples with a shatterproof ruler.
265
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,600
The man is an arsehole!
266
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,080
Shit! Legend has it,
267
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:42,080
as a youth, the boy Maurice got
caught cheating on an O Level.
268
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,840
He was sentenced by a kangaroo court
269
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,480
of disaffected rural Latin teachers
dressed as crows,
270
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,240
to suffer the ultimate punishment.
271
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,720
What happened?
They cut out his tongue.
272
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,600
Jesus Christ! Good luck!
273
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,200
I'm going to smash this exam, yeah.
274
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:08,000
Alfie, I'm really proud of you.
275
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,480
The kids look so confident.
Whatever you did has done the trick.
276
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,920
Well, you know,
it's like you always say,
277
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,040
nothing beats honest
to goodness hard work.
278
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,520
Alfie, not really appropriate.
279
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,640
Just a little good luck hug.
280
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,720
Well, OK. There we are.
281
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,520
There you go.
282
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:27,560
Ah!
283
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,360
Good luck, kids. Good luck, Alf.
284
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,160
Alfie, I'm scared!
What if we get caught?
285
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,240
Don't worry, mate.
You're going to nail it.
286
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,000
You'll get your grades,
I'll keep my job.
287
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,040
Rosie'll be impressed, take me back.
288
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,000
It's literally the perfect crime.
289
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,000
Hewston!
290
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,720
Bad luck, babes! Oh, shit, man!
291
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:18,760
Oh, this guy's good.
292
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,120
Oh, for fu...
293
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:50,920
Time for Plan B.
294
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,040
By the way, er...
295
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,360
thanks for telling my mum
that I ain't a bad bloke.
296
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,880
Oh, that's no problem.
297
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,960
I mean, it don't mean you
and your dad ain't pricks, yeah,
298
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,040
but I owe you one.
299
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:11,800
Thanks.
300
00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:27,080
Hello, Abbey Grove.
301
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,240
This is a message
from Watford General Hospital.
302
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,600
'This is a message
from Watford General Hospital.
303
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:09,360
'We've checked all the scans, all the x-rays.
We've even borrowed the Hubble Telescope,
304
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:12,520
'but we still can't find your cock.'
305
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,080
So hot...
306
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:39,840
Have some water.
307
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,360
What happened? You fainted.
308
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,640
I asked Mr Hewston if that meant
you got special consideration.
309
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,600
He just spat on the floor,
310
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:48,920
which I took to mean no.
311
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:55,880
How did you do?
312
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,960
That bad? Worse!
I've lost my job, Joe.
313
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:05,160
The papers!
314
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,280
What about them?
315
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,200
Distract Hewston.
I'll sneak them out.
316
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,240
Hey, I just wanted to say,
317
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,640
well played. Good game.
318
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:20,840
Want to swap shirts?
319
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:23,600
Just a joke.
320
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:27,920
Anyway, I understand why
you're such... an arsehole.
321
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:33,160
I mean, God knows I'd be like that
if a teacher had cut out my tongue.
322
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,320
What the hell you talking about?
323
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:36,960
Why would anyone cut out my tongue?
324
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,760
Oh!
325
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:41,600
That's why you don't speak.
326
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:42,640
I beg your pardon?
327
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:45,240
Goodbye.
328
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:50,600
Where are the papers?
329
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,480
I had a better idea. I swapped
your cover page with Jing's.
330
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:56,080
What? Think about it.
All week she's been saying how
331
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,080
she wants her parents to love her
for who she is and not her grades.
332
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:01,560
This way, everyone wins.
I dunno, Joe.
333
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:04,600
All right, Bum and Bummer.
Fraser wants ya.
334
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,800
You're missing the skip party.
335
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:15,920
Where's Jing? I need to talk to her.
336
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,360
She's over by the skip.
337
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,200
We're going to get more
books, Sir. Cool.
338
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,680
Grab some shit from my desk too.
339
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,560
Jing?
340
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,280
Look, there's something
I'm feeling terrible about,
341
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:39,760
though, technically it's Joe's fault.
342
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:42,080
Cheers, Sir.
You know the way you said
343
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,920
you didn't really want to get an
A star in your GCSE?
344
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:46,600
What if I told you
345
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:49,320
that you're definitely not
going to get an A star?
346
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,240
I'd say, "I know."
347
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,320
And that I'm delighted about it.
348
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,760
Well, that's worked out
rather well, then.
349
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,080
That's why I torpedoed my exam.
350
00:25:58,080 --> 00:25:59,240
Sorry, what?
351
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:03,280
I wrote the worst paper you have
ever seen, literally un-gradable.
352
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,640
It's offensively stupid! I mean...
353
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,680
I could be sent
to some kind of home.
354
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:10,680
Well, isn't that just...
355
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:12,000
terrific?
356
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:14,640
Kill me!
357
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:18,600
Oi, My Little Pony,
say goodbye to your satchel.
358
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,200
That ain't mine, darling.
Pink is so noughties.
359
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:22,760
Alfred, have you seen Coco?
360
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:25,480
Pink travel bag,
I left it on your desk.
361
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:30,360
Ah! Where's baby Coco?
I bought her some pressies.
362
00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:33,800
Dad, what I think may have just
happened, in the long term,
363
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,160
might be for the best. Short term?
364
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:37,320
Run!
365
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:40,520
Martin, where's my baby?
I told you not to leave her alone!
366
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,640
I... I'll look in the car.
367
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,800
Jing, I can't read Mandarin,
are these fireworks?
368
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,200
No, they're not, actually.
369
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,640
Oh, thank God, I thought you'd
gone completely insane.
370
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,000
They're military flares.
371
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,960
Highly explosive,
potentially blinding,
372
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,520
containing lead, arsenic and...
373
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,880
Oh, God and the box is empty.
Fraser?
374
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:58,200
The nice pirate in Shanghai
375
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:01,400
said they'd make a real fire dragon
come alive in the sky. Oh, shizzle!
376
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,040
Children, get back from the skip!
377
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,880
Just cover your eyes, kids. I may
have made a slight miscalculation.
378
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,680
Frank, what are you doing? Plan C!
379
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:15,480
Is that...?
380
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:25,000
Open the door, Martin.
Tell me what you did to Coco.
381
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,560
I didn't do anything to her.
382
00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:28,080
Then where is she, Martin?
383
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,320
Oh, you don't need to be afraid,
384
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:36,040
so long as you let me
into the fucking car!
385
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,280
Coco!
386
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,360
Martin!
29977
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