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1
00:00:06,819 --> 00:00:08,846
So, I sacked the PE teacher again.
2
00:00:08,847 --> 00:00:12,591
After last year's dead
heat at the sports day, I told him
3
00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:14,052
to install camera technology.
4
00:00:14,128 --> 00:00:18,695
Sadly he misunderstood the phrase
"photo finish". A line was crossed.
5
00:00:18,696 --> 00:00:22,592
Anyhoos, this year's sports day is
but upon us and...
6
00:00:22,607 --> 00:00:24,519
No way, never going to happen,
not doing it.
7
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:27,534
Calm down, dear, it's not you.
8
00:00:27,535 --> 00:00:30,755
Now, don't overreact but it's time
to meet Abbey Grove's new PE
9
00:00:30,762 --> 00:00:34,714
teacher, Mr Preet van der Plessis.
10
00:00:43,790 --> 00:00:46,701
Hush, hush, moffie,
11
00:00:46,702 --> 00:00:49,774
Daddy's bought you some white
chocolate from his trip to prison.
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00:00:51,543 --> 00:01:16,063
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
13
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:22,797
You can't employ him,
he's a psychopath!
14
00:01:22,798 --> 00:01:28,414
Here, chummy, I hold my hand up,
yah, I make mistakes but I've changed.
15
00:01:28,514 --> 00:01:30,338
He attacked me with a riot baton.
16
00:01:30,383 --> 00:01:32,063
That's Preet's way of saying,
"I love you,"
17
00:01:32,088 --> 00:01:34,900
and I've got a couple of broken
ribs to prove it.
18
00:01:34,901 --> 00:01:35,968
Plus he's very cheap.
19
00:01:35,969 --> 00:01:37,900
There!
20
00:01:37,901 --> 00:01:40,473
TIA.
Oh, I've missed this stumpy pecker.
21
00:01:40,547 --> 00:01:43,543
You still smoking the bars, yeah?
No, I'm messing, scappy.
22
00:01:43,543 --> 00:01:44,546
Urgh! Ow!
23
00:01:44,547 --> 00:01:46,543
Classic Preet!
24
00:01:46,543 --> 00:01:50,506
Look, Alf, yes, he may have assaulted
you and, yes, that may have
25
00:01:50,507 --> 00:01:54,471
resulted in a teeny prison stretch,
but he's had extensive anger
26
00:01:54,472 --> 00:01:57,527
management, art therapy.
You couldn't meet a more stable guy.
27
00:01:57,527 --> 00:01:58,803
Boo!
28
00:01:58,820 --> 00:02:00,447
That therapy's worked a treat.
29
00:02:00,547 --> 00:02:03,550
Yeah, I watched that movie,
Mandela. I only laughed once.
30
00:02:03,551 --> 00:02:05,167
Well, maybe.
31
00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:07,261
Oh, when he gets sentenced,
his face.
32
00:02:08,269 --> 00:02:09,297
Priceless.
33
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:11,253
Look, Alfie, Preet's lost his job,
34
00:02:11,254 --> 00:02:14,248
it turns out my gym doesn't employ
anyone with a criminal record.
35
00:02:14,249 --> 00:02:15,297
Neither do schools!
36
00:02:15,297 --> 00:02:19,224
Not this school. I believe everyone
deserves a second chance.
37
00:02:19,225 --> 00:02:21,236
Who wants to celebrate
with some khat?
38
00:02:21,237 --> 00:02:24,301
It's like bay leaf, only it's
also an amphetamine.
39
00:02:25,317 --> 00:02:28,225
Everyone deserves a third chance.
40
00:02:36,313 --> 00:02:39,240
Right, sports day, you know
the drill.
41
00:02:39,241 --> 00:02:41,272
Sir draws our events
out of a hat. That way
42
00:02:41,273 --> 00:02:43,228
the humiliation's at random.
43
00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:47,244
OK. Andre, egg-and-spoon race.
Raj, 800 metres.
44
00:02:47,245 --> 00:02:49,241
Rem Dogg...
45
00:02:50,317 --> 00:02:52,252
..wheelbarrow race.
46
00:02:52,253 --> 00:02:55,220
Boom! Third year in a row.
47
00:02:55,221 --> 00:02:58,284
What a convenient coincidence.
Stephen... sack race.
48
00:02:58,285 --> 00:03:02,256
I am not wearing a sack in public.
Please let me customise it, sir.
49
00:03:02,257 --> 00:03:05,220
Fine, whatever. Er, Chantelle,
three-legged race.
50
00:03:05,221 --> 00:03:07,228
You know all about that, tripod.
51
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:08,284
Cleo.
52
00:03:08,285 --> 00:03:10,312
I ain't doing no bait sports day.
100-metre dash.
53
00:03:10,313 --> 00:03:13,220
What, cos I'm black you think
I can sprint?
54
00:03:13,221 --> 00:03:15,232
What? No, it's all random.
55
00:03:15,233 --> 00:03:19,264
Why don't you just make me run with
a boom box or put a bargain bucket
on the finishing line? Oh, God!
56
00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:22,248
Oh, sorry,
ain't there a bobsleigh team?
57
00:03:22,249 --> 00:03:24,240
You can sit this one out. Correct!
58
00:03:24,241 --> 00:03:27,236
I'm out, too. I'm covering sports
day for the school's newspaper.
59
00:03:27,237 --> 00:03:29,236
Did you guys read my latest edition?
60
00:03:29,237 --> 00:03:31,296
It's just a bit dry, babe.
61
00:03:31,297 --> 00:03:33,296
Dry but very absorbent.
62
00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:37,240
You need to give the readers what
they want - sex, scandal and Kimye.
63
00:03:37,241 --> 00:03:39,284
You want a scandal.
I heard Melanie Chubb, right,
64
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:42,272
went to the toilet and accidentally
wiped her fanny with her dress!
65
00:03:42,273 --> 00:03:45,292
OMG, drams give me dates!
God help me.
66
00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:48,260
We're all in the gutter, Jing,
but some of us
67
00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:51,300
are looking up
the miniskirts of the stars!
68
00:03:51,301 --> 00:03:53,273
Alfie, can I have a quick word?
69
00:03:55,289 --> 00:03:58,240
Look, I just wanted to tell
you something
70
00:03:58,241 --> 00:04:00,361
because I didn't want you to hear
it from anyone else.
71
00:04:00,386 --> 00:04:04,268
You're sleeping with Richard,
aren't you? You're in love with him,
you're going to get married!
72
00:04:04,269 --> 00:04:07,232
I just wanted to tell you that
Richard's coming to sports day.
73
00:04:07,233 --> 00:04:10,232
Why? What event's he doing? The race
to get his affairs in order?
74
00:04:10,233 --> 00:04:13,260
St Mark's Ambulance do our first aid
and Richard volunteers for them.
75
00:04:13,261 --> 00:04:16,284
Are you sure? Maybe he just keeps
being brought home in an ambulance!
76
00:04:16,285 --> 00:04:19,276
He's saying your boyfriend's
a scrotum-faced old buttfucker!
77
00:04:19,277 --> 00:04:21,232
Would you please stop doing that?
78
00:04:21,233 --> 00:04:23,272
For the last time,
Richard is not my boyfriend!
79
00:04:23,273 --> 00:04:26,228
That man is a coiled serpent
waiting to spring.
80
00:04:26,229 --> 00:04:30,264
The little prawn prince doesn't want
this cock-frocking junkie at sports day.
81
00:04:30,265 --> 00:04:33,240
But never fear, for I'm
trained in first aid, too.
82
00:04:33,241 --> 00:04:35,296
Stand Richard down,
Preet's got it covered.
83
00:04:35,297 --> 00:04:39,313
Yeah, in prison I sucked the shank
out of a warden's neck.
84
00:04:41,265 --> 00:04:44,245
Maybe let's keep Richard as Plan A.
85
00:04:46,313 --> 00:04:50,236
Hey, I thought you were sticking
it to stick it in the bokkie.
86
00:04:50,237 --> 00:04:51,256
We're on a break.
87
00:04:51,257 --> 00:04:55,224
Oh. Fuck the fuck.
Uh, mongrels off the leash, eh?
88
00:04:55,225 --> 00:04:57,296
Maybe tonight we should hit up
a few Stellenbraus.
89
00:04:57,297 --> 00:05:00,244
Lock and load,
go on the hunt for cooch.
90
00:05:00,245 --> 00:05:02,237
Yeah, never going to happen.
91
00:05:05,265 --> 00:05:06,312
Oh!
92
00:05:06,313 --> 00:05:08,312
Why are you wet?
93
00:05:08,313 --> 00:05:12,224
I don't fit in my locker anymore
so Grayson lubed me.
94
00:05:12,225 --> 00:05:15,220
Lube helps, sir, if you're trying to
squeeze into something small.
95
00:05:15,221 --> 00:05:17,861
Yes, thank you, Chantelle, I know
what lubricant is. I was in there
96
00:05:17,886 --> 00:05:20,260
for an hour. Thank God I keep it
well stocked with snacks.
97
00:05:20,261 --> 00:05:21,461
That may be why you don't fit.
98
00:05:21,486 --> 00:05:25,248
Grayson will keep giving you
shit till you slap him down.
Girlfriend's got a point.
99
00:05:25,249 --> 00:05:27,252
Don't ever call me "girlfriend"
again. Noted!
100
00:05:27,253 --> 00:05:30,268
You should use sports day to put him
in his place. This is your chance to
101
00:05:30,269 --> 00:05:33,240
take Grayson down in front of the
whole school. Everyone loves
102
00:05:33,241 --> 00:05:35,280
an underdog. I can picture
the headlines.
103
00:05:35,281 --> 00:05:37,232
Jing's right.
104
00:05:37,233 --> 00:05:40,236
This is your perfect chance to beat
Grayson at... the hurdles!
105
00:05:40,237 --> 00:05:41,304
Maybe not.
106
00:05:41,305 --> 00:05:43,228
Kill me.
107
00:05:43,229 --> 00:05:44,252
Hash-tag light bulb.
108
00:05:44,253 --> 00:05:47,296
That old guy that tried to attach on
to Miss G is going to sports day, right?
109
00:05:47,297 --> 00:05:50,300
Why don't you challenge him?
Show Miss G what she's missing.
110
00:05:50,301 --> 00:05:52,244
That is a brilliant idea.
111
00:05:52,245 --> 00:05:54,645
Challenge him at what? You're even
slower and weaker than me.
112
00:05:54,670 --> 00:05:57,252
Isn't it obvious?
Good old-fashioned dance-off.
113
00:05:57,253 --> 00:05:59,280
I can bust a few moves
out of my hip-hop locker.
114
00:05:59,281 --> 00:06:02,264
Your hip-hop moves are about this
far from a race crime.
115
00:06:02,265 --> 00:06:04,240
What you talking about?
116
00:06:04,241 --> 00:06:06,288
# I ain't saying she a gold digger
117
00:06:06,289 --> 00:06:09,229
♪ but I ain't messing
with no bro... ♪
118
00:06:09,229 --> 00:06:11,292
Man of Afro-Caribbean origin.
119
00:06:11,293 --> 00:06:16,224
What about a teacher and parent
race? Perfect!
120
00:06:16,225 --> 00:06:18,276
Well, I guess we'll have
to hit the gym.
121
00:06:18,277 --> 00:06:20,268
We? Well, I can't do this on my own.
122
00:06:20,269 --> 00:06:24,304
Look, guys, I know historically
we've never done well at sports day
but this is the last one ever.
123
00:06:24,305 --> 00:06:29,265
Wouldn't it be great, just once,
to taste the sweet nectar of glory?
124
00:06:32,265 --> 00:06:34,252
You know how this plays out.
125
00:06:34,253 --> 00:06:35,333
OK, I'll buy you a Nando's.
126
00:06:37,273 --> 00:06:39,284
Three, two...
127
00:06:39,285 --> 00:06:41,276
Preet!
128
00:06:41,277 --> 00:06:44,228
Hello, moffie. My first PE lesson.
129
00:06:44,229 --> 00:06:46,300
I'm breaking these little bokkie
tots in gently.
130
00:06:46,301 --> 00:06:49,309
What are you playing? It, stuck
in the mud? Hunger Games.
131
00:06:51,309 --> 00:06:55,284
Cool! Um, look, you used to be
a personal trainer, right?
132
00:06:55,285 --> 00:06:57,280
Yeah, until the gym fired me.
133
00:06:57,281 --> 00:07:00,232
They didn't like me
trying to segregate customers.
134
00:07:00,233 --> 00:07:01,473
Actually, I'm with you on that.
135
00:07:01,498 --> 00:07:04,244
I way prefer gyms where the men's
and women's bits separate,
136
00:07:04,245 --> 00:07:05,300
less intimidating, eh?
137
00:07:05,301 --> 00:07:07,240
I didn't divide them by gender.
138
00:07:07,241 --> 00:07:08,288
Right.
139
00:07:08,289 --> 00:07:11,236
Um, look, I need you to put me
140
00:07:11,237 --> 00:07:13,276
and my class on a crash
course before sports day.
141
00:07:13,277 --> 00:07:15,224
Ha!
142
00:07:15,225 --> 00:07:16,296
But you're just a child.
143
00:07:16,297 --> 00:07:19,236
I could smell your mother's
milk on your breath.
144
00:07:19,237 --> 00:07:21,277
You're not ready to spar with
Preet van der Plessis.
145
00:07:21,302 --> 00:07:24,266
I don't want to fight you,
I just want some training.
146
00:07:27,241 --> 00:07:30,260
If you place yourself in my hands,
I will push you to the
147
00:07:30,261 --> 00:07:32,308
limits of human endurance.
148
00:07:32,309 --> 00:07:36,256
I will take you to a world of pain
that can change a man for ever.
149
00:07:36,257 --> 00:07:38,296
Put the fire of Africa
in your yum-yums!
150
00:07:38,297 --> 00:07:42,296
So ask yourself one question,
moffie, are you ready
151
00:07:42,297 --> 00:07:44,284
for the Preet heat?
152
00:07:44,285 --> 00:07:50,221
Yeah. Could you, er, un-cup me now?
153
00:07:52,225 --> 00:07:53,301
Ah!
154
00:07:59,305 --> 00:08:04,292
Body's a temple, time to sacrifice
some carbs to the Bud-god.
155
00:08:04,293 --> 00:08:07,284
Bird's got to keep that cracking
little toosh in trim, eh?
156
00:08:07,285 --> 00:08:10,264
Bit much. Protein shake, anyone?
157
00:08:10,265 --> 00:08:11,300
What flavour?
158
00:08:11,301 --> 00:08:13,268
Banana!
159
00:08:13,269 --> 00:08:16,236
Hey, try mine,
it's got shavings of real ivory,
160
00:08:16,237 --> 00:08:18,300
gives you purchase balls.
161
00:08:18,301 --> 00:08:20,256
No, thank you.
162
00:08:20,257 --> 00:08:22,268
Why are you drinking
a protein shake?
163
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:26,224
Getting ready for the parents
and teachers race at sports day.
164
00:08:26,225 --> 00:08:29,244
Er, one question - can I do it in my
fun-run fancy dress? OK. Yes!
165
00:08:29,245 --> 00:08:35,228
Anyone can enter - parents, teachers,
medics, young, old, basically dead.
166
00:08:35,229 --> 00:08:39,256
Oh! I can invite Richard. How do I
get in contact with someone like him?
167
00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:41,280
Morse code, pigeon... seance?
168
00:08:41,281 --> 00:08:44,264
You know what, I'm sure he'll
jump at the opportunity.
169
00:08:44,265 --> 00:08:46,308
Please, probably hasn't jumped
since Hammer Time.
170
00:08:46,309 --> 00:08:48,296
Hey, can't touch this.
171
00:08:48,297 --> 00:08:49,300
Skeletal.
172
00:08:49,301 --> 00:08:54,248
Oh, and just so you know, Richard
used to sprint for his university.
173
00:08:54,249 --> 00:08:58,236
Babe, you have no idea how quick
I am over the finish line.
174
00:08:58,237 --> 00:08:59,304
Oh, I think I do.
175
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:02,284
Alf, could you really beat Richard?
176
00:09:02,285 --> 00:09:04,300
Well,
she said that he was a sprinter,
177
00:09:04,301 --> 00:09:07,292
so let's make it an endurance event.
178
00:09:07,293 --> 00:09:10,268
You got it, Wikus, I'll
design it myself.
179
00:09:10,269 --> 00:09:12,288
I'll call it "the Master Race".
180
00:09:12,289 --> 00:09:14,272
We probably won't.
181
00:09:14,273 --> 00:09:16,232
The old gang back together, eh?
182
00:09:16,233 --> 00:09:18,252
The boys, the lads, the lady-killers.
183
00:09:18,253 --> 00:09:21,221
Never proven. Come, moffie,
I wish to make you sweat.
184
00:09:27,285 --> 00:09:29,276
Right, I've found a brown leather
185
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:32,300
Moby clutch on net-a-porter.com. At
a push it works with the sackcloth.
186
00:09:32,301 --> 00:09:35,268
Have you read the newspaper yet?
I can't believe it!
187
00:09:35,269 --> 00:09:38,244
Steroids. Jing, is this for real?
188
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,288
Yep, someone at the school's been
taking steroids.
189
00:09:40,289 --> 00:09:43,256
We'll be publishing
exclusives all week.
190
00:09:43,257 --> 00:09:45,228
Maybe I should get some steroids.
191
00:09:45,229 --> 00:09:47,300
Joe, you don't need steroids,
Preet's training us.
192
00:09:47,301 --> 00:09:50,284
Uh! I can't believe
they let that psycho back in 'ere.
193
00:09:50,285 --> 00:09:51,316
He's not a psycho.
194
00:09:51,317 --> 00:09:56,280
Preet's had something called "art
therapy", it's really mellowed him.
195
00:09:56,281 --> 00:09:59,260
Listen up, you scrawny,
pimple-necked,
196
00:09:59,261 --> 00:10:01,261
cat-wracking pieces of shit!
197
00:10:02,265 --> 00:10:03,308
Preet?
198
00:10:03,309 --> 00:10:06,264
Sorry.
199
00:10:06,265 --> 00:10:09,313
♪ Hi-de-hi, kinderbok,
I'm Uncle Preet. ♪
200
00:10:09,313 --> 00:10:11,300
He's scary when he's being nice.
201
00:10:11,301 --> 00:10:13,277
On your feet.
202
00:10:22,225 --> 00:10:26,252
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
Non-regulation socks.
203
00:10:26,253 --> 00:10:28,308
So, I don't have white socks,
big deal!
204
00:10:28,309 --> 00:10:31,288
Do you know what happens
when you mix whites and coloureds?
205
00:10:31,289 --> 00:10:33,280
It ruins your wash?
206
00:10:33,281 --> 00:10:35,232
Society crumbles!
207
00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:39,292
Er, this is all I had. You have
broken the ancient code of physical
education, you know the punishment!
208
00:10:39,293 --> 00:10:41,308
Can I remind you I am a teacher?
209
00:10:41,309 --> 00:10:43,293
Do you want me to train you or not?
210
00:10:46,237 --> 00:10:47,288
Yes.
211
00:10:47,289 --> 00:10:49,237
Let's dance.
212
00:11:10,241 --> 00:11:11,257
Whoa!
213
00:11:13,301 --> 00:11:15,241
Yah!
214
00:11:16,265 --> 00:11:18,285
Whoa!
215
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:25,317
Whoa!
216
00:11:30,313 --> 00:11:34,220
Urgh! Oh!
217
00:11:34,221 --> 00:11:37,304
I'll never beat Grayson,
he hurdles for the school team.
218
00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:40,268
Joe, you've got an Olympic record.
219
00:11:40,269 --> 00:11:43,304
I'm the fastest under-18 to finish
the Little Chef Olympic Breakfast.
220
00:11:43,305 --> 00:11:46,272
That's part of the problem,
not the solution.
221
00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:48,224
Bullshit.
222
00:11:48,225 --> 00:11:50,236
Joe, you have got the hunger.
223
00:11:50,237 --> 00:11:53,224
When you see a barrier, you don't
stop, you power on through.
224
00:11:53,225 --> 00:11:56,232
Great, but aren't I supposed
to be jumping over the barriers?
225
00:11:56,233 --> 00:11:58,236
What are you doing?
226
00:11:58,237 --> 00:11:59,317
Oh, just er, fixing up this
227
00:11:59,342 --> 00:12:02,312
bad boy so I can teach
and burn at the same time.
228
00:12:02,313 --> 00:12:05,268
Alfie, I know you're hurting,
but losing to
229
00:12:05,269 --> 00:12:08,272
Richard in front of everyone is only
going to make things worse.
230
00:12:08,273 --> 00:12:10,304
Huh, me lose to Richard? Please.
231
00:12:10,305 --> 00:12:13,260
Name one thing he's got that
I haven't?
232
00:12:13,261 --> 00:12:16,220
Sensitivity, maturity, charm.
233
00:12:16,221 --> 00:12:18,232
Yeah, but I said one thing,
not three.
234
00:12:18,233 --> 00:12:21,224
And, anyway,
at least I'm biodegradable.
235
00:12:21,225 --> 00:12:24,304
Yeah, his plastic hips ain't going
to be decomposing any time soon.
236
00:12:24,305 --> 00:12:29,244
Now, if you'd kindly
vamoose from the artist's studio,
237
00:12:29,245 --> 00:12:32,252
I have got a body to sculpt.
238
00:12:32,253 --> 00:12:34,245
Ow!
239
00:12:35,249 --> 00:12:37,256
See you later, Michelangelo.
240
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:40,277
I think I've broken me coccyx.
241
00:13:02,261 --> 00:13:05,240
If you have a thirst for the crease,
you can always
242
00:13:05,241 --> 00:13:08,316
play for my village team. I bet you
can still trouble a boundary, eh, eh?
243
00:13:08,317 --> 00:13:11,220
Have you been talking to my ex-wife?
244
00:13:11,221 --> 00:13:12,281
Which one?
245
00:13:14,229 --> 00:13:15,316
Ah, smoocher, come perch.
246
00:13:15,317 --> 00:13:20,220
We were just chin-wagging about the
pick and pock of leather on willow.
247
00:13:20,221 --> 00:13:22,276
Sorry, I don't speak
Last Of The Summer Wine.
248
00:13:22,277 --> 00:13:23,357
We share a love of cricket.
249
00:13:23,382 --> 00:13:27,316
Rosie informs me that my presence is
requested at the adults' race.
250
00:13:27,317 --> 00:13:30,308
Yeah, Richard and you better
bring your A-game, mate.
251
00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:33,276
Absolutely, but in the words
of the Greek philosopher,
252
00:13:33,277 --> 00:13:36,292
Epictetus, it is not the winning
but the taking part which counts.
253
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:40,272
Well, in the words of Alfie Wickers,
I hope your silly little ambulance
254
00:13:40,273 --> 00:13:44,221
has got room for both your assholes,
cos I'm going to tear you a new one.
255
00:13:45,277 --> 00:13:49,268
Brilliant. A new asshole, I, must
remember that one for bridge club.
256
00:13:49,269 --> 00:13:52,281
You play bridge as well?
Which discipline? Rubber.
257
00:13:54,249 --> 00:13:57,296
Next you'll be telling me you go to
Bang Bang's Massage Parlour
258
00:13:57,297 --> 00:13:59,252
in Tring with the nice Thai ladies.
259
00:13:59,253 --> 00:14:01,224
No, no, I... Right, you, here.
260
00:14:01,225 --> 00:14:03,300
What the hell was all that about?
261
00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:06,228
Why are you being
so friendly with Richard?
262
00:14:06,229 --> 00:14:07,469
Richard, what's wrong with him?
263
00:14:07,494 --> 00:14:12,220
What, you mean other than the fact that
he's trying to shag my girlfriend? Yes.
264
00:14:12,221 --> 00:14:14,284
# What's that coming over the hill,
is it a monster?
265
00:14:14,285 --> 00:14:16,237
♪ Is it a monster? ♪
266
00:14:17,309 --> 00:14:19,252
Jesus Christ!
267
00:14:19,253 --> 00:14:20,276
Great costume, chap.
268
00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:24,296
And I like yours, too, weird, old,
random bus conductor man.
269
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:27,272
Oh, God, sorry,
I haven't introduced you.
270
00:14:27,273 --> 00:14:30,316
Fraser, this is my... A privilege to
finally meet your father.
271
00:14:30,317 --> 00:14:33,264
Rosie talks about her old man
non-stop.
272
00:14:33,265 --> 00:14:34,316
No, Fraser, this...
273
00:14:34,317 --> 00:14:36,304
But where's Mrs Gulliver? Preet!
274
00:14:36,305 --> 00:14:38,292
Come and meet Rosie's dad!
275
00:14:38,293 --> 00:14:42,252
Hello there, you old fat fecker.
Stukkie's a very confident lady.
276
00:14:42,253 --> 00:14:44,284
We were a little... belt-shy, bro?
277
00:14:44,285 --> 00:14:47,240
Er, actually, I'm not Rosie's pater.
278
00:14:47,241 --> 00:14:52,289
This is Richard, my... friend!
279
00:14:59,305 --> 00:15:03,224
Did I tell you I'm entering
the mothers' sack race?
280
00:15:03,225 --> 00:15:05,260
Oh, not this joke. Every year.
281
00:15:05,261 --> 00:15:07,317
Got to get one of those hot
mammas into the sack.
282
00:15:09,289 --> 00:15:12,301
Come, I have a surprise for you.
283
00:15:18,253 --> 00:15:22,244
Right, Preet, when I said obstacles
I meant, like, a few hurdles.
284
00:15:22,245 --> 00:15:24,304
The most brutal obstacle course
known to man.
285
00:15:24,305 --> 00:15:27,280
And I've got a truckload
of attack dogs coming, too.
286
00:15:27,281 --> 00:15:28,284
Attack dogs?
287
00:15:28,285 --> 00:15:33,260
And how do you plan to control
a pack of attack dogs with children?
288
00:15:33,261 --> 00:15:36,292
You've got a tranquiliser gun.
Of course you do.
289
00:15:36,293 --> 00:15:40,268
Um, is, is that legal?
It's a grey area.
290
00:15:40,269 --> 00:15:43,296
Decapaccini, that cat guzzling old
goat will faint just
291
00:15:43,297 --> 00:15:45,268
looking at this.
292
00:15:45,269 --> 00:15:48,252
Or my name's not Preet Cornelius
Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit,
293
00:15:48,253 --> 00:15:52,220
Goosenhousen, Tabactablanche,
Vestavesen, Voota van der Plessis.
294
00:15:52,221 --> 00:15:54,288
Yeah, I mean I, I wanted to
test his endurance
295
00:15:54,289 --> 00:15:56,268
but this could actually kill me.
296
00:15:56,269 --> 00:15:59,260
As I told my cell mate the night
I tattooed his back with biro ink
297
00:15:59,261 --> 00:16:03,284
and a red hot needle, pain is
temporary, glory is for ever.
298
00:16:03,285 --> 00:16:06,248
TIA, bro. This is Africa!
299
00:16:06,249 --> 00:16:09,269
TIT, this is Tring.
300
00:16:13,225 --> 00:16:14,284
On your marks!
301
00:16:14,285 --> 00:16:16,232
Go on, Chantelle!
302
00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:19,224
Get set! Right, if you help me
win this I'll let you touch me tit.
303
00:16:19,225 --> 00:16:20,301
Go!
304
00:16:33,281 --> 00:16:36,264
On your marks, get set...
305
00:16:36,265 --> 00:16:37,309
Go!
306
00:16:57,237 --> 00:16:58,301
Go, Stephen!
307
00:17:02,273 --> 00:17:05,224
Shit, that boy can work it.
308
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:07,297
Yeah, I suspect
he may be disqualified.
309
00:17:11,253 --> 00:17:12,316
Shamazing!
310
00:17:12,317 --> 00:17:15,256
Joe!
311
00:17:15,257 --> 00:17:18,232
There you are, buddy.
312
00:17:18,233 --> 00:17:21,264
Come on, it's time for the hurdles.
I don't want to do it.
313
00:17:21,265 --> 00:17:24,264
I'll never beat Grayson,
this was a stupid idea.
314
00:17:24,265 --> 00:17:28,228
But the Olympic breakfast.
Forget the breakfast, Alfie.
315
00:17:28,229 --> 00:17:31,304
Joe, remember what I said? When you
hit a barrier, you don't stop,
316
00:17:31,305 --> 00:17:33,276
you power on through.
317
00:17:33,277 --> 00:17:36,220
That's how you're going to beat
Grayson. That...
318
00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:38,228
and by making sure you
run in lane three.
319
00:17:38,229 --> 00:17:39,272
I don't get it.
320
00:17:39,273 --> 00:17:40,316
Just trust me.
321
00:17:40,317 --> 00:17:44,305
Shut your eyes and run like the time
you got the shits on the Cutty Sark.
322
00:17:49,265 --> 00:17:53,225
"To Joe, good luck, Grayson."
323
00:17:56,229 --> 00:17:57,285
Get down!
324
00:18:05,289 --> 00:18:08,252
All right, Shrek?
325
00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:11,293
Smile for the camera,
this shit's going on Roo Tube.
326
00:18:14,317 --> 00:18:18,220
He looks... angry.
327
00:18:18,221 --> 00:18:21,297
On your marks, get set, go!
328
00:18:32,265 --> 00:18:35,244
I think I know who's been
taking them steroids in.
329
00:18:35,245 --> 00:18:38,277
Joe's not on steroids.
I weakened his hurdles.
330
00:18:50,301 --> 00:18:54,280
Joe! You can stop now!
331
00:18:54,281 --> 00:18:56,288
He'll tire himself out.
332
00:18:56,289 --> 00:18:58,297
Eventually.
333
00:19:00,241 --> 00:19:01,273
Joe!
334
00:19:05,253 --> 00:19:07,240
Ladies and gentlemen,
335
00:19:07,241 --> 00:19:10,228
the parent-and-teacher race will
commence in ten minutes.
336
00:19:10,229 --> 00:19:11,272
Thanky-doodle-do.
337
00:19:11,273 --> 00:19:13,256
Good luck, mate, going to need it.
338
00:19:13,257 --> 00:19:15,264
Oh, don't be too cocky, young swain.
339
00:19:15,265 --> 00:19:19,252
Remember I have a secret weapon,
consilium.
340
00:19:19,253 --> 00:19:20,316
What the hell is that?
341
00:19:20,317 --> 00:19:22,293
You'll find out.
342
00:19:27,305 --> 00:19:29,308
He said it to my face, Jing.
343
00:19:29,309 --> 00:19:32,276
He's got a secret weapon that's
going to help him win.
344
00:19:32,277 --> 00:19:34,280
Yeah, but what's consilium?
345
00:19:34,281 --> 00:19:36,296
Um, what does it sound like? A drug.
346
00:19:36,297 --> 00:19:38,276
Now where's his bag?
347
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,256
I'm not sure about this, sir.
348
00:19:40,257 --> 00:19:42,304
Your steroid story, he's the cheat!
349
00:19:42,305 --> 00:19:45,308
It all makes sense,
a medic with access to drugs.
350
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:48,296
That's why Rosie's
so confident he's going to win,
351
00:19:48,297 --> 00:19:50,288
she knows he's on this consilium.
352
00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:53,224
Ah!
353
00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:55,385
Talcum powder, Wisden, Y-fronts
the colour of weak tea,
354
00:19:55,410 --> 00:19:57,296
this is Richard's bag.
355
00:19:57,297 --> 00:20:00,228
Sir, the steroid story's not
entirely true.
356
00:20:00,229 --> 00:20:03,236
Bingo! The roidy bastard!
357
00:20:03,237 --> 00:20:06,240
But how? I made the story up.
358
00:20:06,241 --> 00:20:10,280
You lied in print and you want to
become a journalist. Jing.
359
00:20:10,281 --> 00:20:12,252
Well.
360
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:15,244
Now you've got all the evidence you
need, take him down.
361
00:20:15,245 --> 00:20:17,224
But what about you?
362
00:20:17,225 --> 00:20:19,228
You won't beat him
if he's on steroids.
363
00:20:19,229 --> 00:20:20,269
If you can't beat 'em...
364
00:20:24,273 --> 00:20:29,248
Now, go, Jing, and remember, the
truth and nothing but the truth.
365
00:20:29,249 --> 00:20:33,245
Although, obviously, don't mention
that I took the steroids as well.
366
00:20:46,265 --> 00:20:52,252
Naughty moffie, caught
with your hand in the Biltong jar!
367
00:20:52,253 --> 00:20:53,312
Preet, what the hell?
368
00:20:53,313 --> 00:20:57,292
If Pistorius taught me one thing,
it's shit with the door open.
369
00:20:57,293 --> 00:21:00,264
Right, I'm just... Oh, God.
370
00:21:00,265 --> 00:21:03,296
Don't worry, moffie,
your secret's safe with me.
371
00:21:03,297 --> 00:21:06,272
Yeah, well, there's no secret, cos
I wasn't actually doing anything.
372
00:21:06,273 --> 00:21:09,252
Two men share a secret, it binds
them together,
373
00:21:09,253 --> 00:21:11,301
entwining them
into one beating heart.
374
00:21:14,269 --> 00:21:16,248
You going to have a wipe of that?
375
00:21:16,249 --> 00:21:20,244
First month in prison,
I hated you for what you did to me.
376
00:21:20,245 --> 00:21:22,296
To be fair, you attacked me.
377
00:21:22,297 --> 00:21:25,296
Every night I dreamt of turning
your jib-jabs into drills.
378
00:21:25,297 --> 00:21:27,268
A bit close.
379
00:21:27,269 --> 00:21:29,317
But then I began my course
of art therapy.
380
00:21:32,241 --> 00:21:34,224
Would you like to see my sketches?
381
00:21:34,225 --> 00:21:35,301
Not really.
382
00:21:40,265 --> 00:21:43,265
Oh, look, it's me.
383
00:21:45,257 --> 00:21:47,285
Oh, Jesus Christ!
384
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:51,308
Oh, you have been busy.
385
00:21:51,309 --> 00:21:54,260
Feel free to stop at any...
386
00:21:54,261 --> 00:21:57,317
Ooh! So much detail.
387
00:21:59,269 --> 00:22:03,240
Oh, my God, don't know where I end
and you begin.
388
00:22:03,241 --> 00:22:07,272
Slowly I discovered there is only
one thing stronger than hate.
389
00:22:07,273 --> 00:22:09,252
Please don't say "love".
390
00:22:09,253 --> 00:22:11,228
Tattoos.
391
00:22:11,229 --> 00:22:12,280
Me again!
392
00:22:12,281 --> 00:22:15,316
My cell-mate, Hilary, chewed through
an entire khat bush to numb the pain.
393
00:22:15,317 --> 00:22:19,312
Yeah, why has your cell-mate
got my face tattooed onto his back?
394
00:22:19,313 --> 00:22:24,284
OK, I've just worked that
one out for myself.
395
00:22:24,285 --> 00:22:30,224
Preet, um, I like you
but I don't "like you" like you.
396
00:22:30,225 --> 00:22:34,316
Do you know what happens
when you break a lion's heart?
397
00:22:34,317 --> 00:22:38,265
Does it go to live with a warthog
and a meerkat?
398
00:22:39,313 --> 00:22:42,276
I will devour you,
moffie, as sure as my name is
399
00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:45,316
Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig,
Hoitetoit, Goosen...
400
00:22:45,317 --> 00:22:47,272
Er, got it.
401
00:22:47,273 --> 00:22:49,285
Alfie, it's time.
402
00:22:51,313 --> 00:22:53,308
I'll just tiptoe out.
403
00:22:53,309 --> 00:22:56,220
No, wait for me!
404
00:22:56,221 --> 00:22:57,241
Moffie!
405
00:23:00,253 --> 00:23:01,316
Good luck.
406
00:23:01,317 --> 00:23:03,260
Carpe diem.
407
00:23:03,261 --> 00:23:05,312
Pfft, you're going to need more
than luck, mate,
408
00:23:05,313 --> 00:23:09,220
now I've got my hands on some
of your precious consilium.
409
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:10,292
Yeah, that's right sucker.
410
00:23:10,293 --> 00:23:12,244
So you are a classicist?
411
00:23:12,245 --> 00:23:14,240
What are you talking about?
412
00:23:14,241 --> 00:23:17,264
Consilium, Latin for wisdom.
My secret weapon, old boy.
413
00:23:17,265 --> 00:23:19,224
Yeah, pull the other one, Farage.
414
00:23:19,225 --> 00:23:21,232
I'm talking about these.
415
00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:23,228
And don't you worry.
416
00:23:23,229 --> 00:23:24,509
I've levelled the playing field.
417
00:23:24,534 --> 00:23:26,228
Oh, crikey, yes, er...
418
00:23:26,229 --> 00:23:28,224
It's all very embarrassing.
419
00:23:28,225 --> 00:23:31,228
Yes, well, you see, at my age, er,
one, one sometimes, er,
420
00:23:31,229 --> 00:23:34,224
not always, but sometimes one,
one feels the need for, er,
421
00:23:34,225 --> 00:23:38,280
a little help in, in the,
in the bedroom department.
422
00:23:38,281 --> 00:23:40,264
What are you banging on about?
423
00:23:40,265 --> 00:23:42,252
Viagra.
424
00:23:42,253 --> 00:23:43,284
What?
425
00:23:43,285 --> 00:23:45,268
Viagra. Viagra?!
426
00:23:45,269 --> 00:23:47,224
Sh! Yes.
427
00:23:47,225 --> 00:23:49,300
Wait, sorry,
why would you need Viagra?
428
00:23:49,301 --> 00:23:52,248
Well, Rosie and I are...
429
00:23:52,249 --> 00:23:54,264
Friends!
430
00:23:54,265 --> 00:23:56,288
Yes, but plan for success,
prepare for failure.
431
00:23:56,289 --> 00:23:59,244
Rosie and I might become friends
with benefits.
432
00:23:59,245 --> 00:24:00,288
Ugh!
433
00:24:00,289 --> 00:24:03,232
Ugh, for using the phrase
"friends with benefits".
434
00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:06,280
Ugh, for betraying Rosie's trust
and trying to shag my girlfriend,
435
00:24:06,281 --> 00:24:08,292
you... shit.
436
00:24:08,293 --> 00:24:12,244
Come on, Richard, you can do it!
437
00:24:12,245 --> 00:24:14,232
Shut up, Dad!
438
00:24:14,233 --> 00:24:16,288
Wait, how long do those things
take to kick in?
439
00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:18,272
Well, it depends how many you took.
440
00:24:18,273 --> 00:24:20,244
Round it down to about five.
441
00:24:20,245 --> 00:24:23,248
Yeah, you've got er, six,
maybe seven minutes before things
442
00:24:23,249 --> 00:24:26,236
start bursting
through your shorts like the Kraken.
443
00:24:26,237 --> 00:24:27,292
Shit!
444
00:24:27,293 --> 00:24:29,252
Preet, start the race!
445
00:24:29,253 --> 00:24:31,284
I have got to give a quick health
and safety check.
446
00:24:31,285 --> 00:24:35,237
Preet, start the race! I love it
when you're brusque with me, moffie.
447
00:24:40,281 --> 00:24:43,260
Mr Wickers ain't moved that fast
since he found me
448
00:24:43,261 --> 00:24:45,381
lying on his desk wearing nothing
but a sushi platter.
449
00:24:45,406 --> 00:24:48,406
Think unsexy thoughts,
think unsexy thoughts.
450
00:24:50,269 --> 00:24:52,297
Granny in a thong.
451
00:24:54,317 --> 00:24:56,281
Adrian Chiles' banter.
452
00:25:00,233 --> 00:25:01,353
Eric Pickles on the shitter.
453
00:25:05,289 --> 00:25:08,289
Ian Beale crying.
454
00:25:14,289 --> 00:25:16,252
Come on, Alfie!
455
00:25:16,253 --> 00:25:19,220
Please not on the monkey bars.
456
00:25:19,221 --> 00:25:21,229
God, no, not on the monkey bars.
457
00:25:28,253 --> 00:25:30,241
Come on, Richard!
458
00:25:32,253 --> 00:25:35,237
Feel blood heading south.
459
00:25:36,301 --> 00:25:38,277
Come on, Alfie!
460
00:25:41,241 --> 00:25:42,301
What's he doing?
461
00:25:45,265 --> 00:25:48,308
Maybe you've got to commando
crawl the last bit.
462
00:25:48,309 --> 00:25:51,241
Is he wearing a little plough?
463
00:25:54,237 --> 00:25:56,253
I can't watch,
Richard's going to catch him.
464
00:25:58,285 --> 00:26:00,316
Oh, no, you don't, old goat.
465
00:26:00,317 --> 00:26:03,237
Moffie shall go to the ball.
466
00:26:09,273 --> 00:26:11,268
Steady.
467
00:26:11,269 --> 00:26:12,308
He's got a gun, get down!
468
00:26:12,309 --> 00:26:14,301
Ooh!
469
00:26:16,265 --> 00:26:19,241
Oh!
470
00:26:24,309 --> 00:26:27,292
He's not breathing. I'll have to
give him mouth-to-mouth.
471
00:26:27,293 --> 00:26:29,241
Oh!
472
00:26:33,265 --> 00:26:35,256
I can't feel my legs.
473
00:26:35,257 --> 00:26:37,268
Uh!
474
00:26:37,269 --> 00:26:40,288
Teach me everything you know.
475
00:26:40,289 --> 00:26:42,296
Alfie, why have you...?
476
00:26:42,297 --> 00:26:45,220
Before everyone thinks I'm
a massive weirdo.
477
00:26:45,221 --> 00:26:46,276
A bit late for that, bro.
478
00:26:46,277 --> 00:26:49,316
I cheated, OK?
Or at least I tried to cheat.
479
00:26:49,317 --> 00:26:52,284
I thought Richard was on steroids
cos I found these blue
480
00:26:52,285 --> 00:26:55,248
pills in his bag but they weren't
steroids, they were Viagra.
481
00:26:55,249 --> 00:26:56,292
Don't stress.
482
00:26:56,293 --> 00:26:59,224
Viagra? Why, why does Richard
have...?
483
00:26:59,225 --> 00:27:01,260
Rosie, Rosie, Rosie,
it's not what you...
484
00:27:01,261 --> 00:27:05,300
I would hate for you to presume
that er, that, but, but, but...
485
00:27:05,301 --> 00:27:07,297
but, well, plan to succeed.
486
00:27:10,233 --> 00:27:11,296
Rosie, I did...
487
00:27:11,297 --> 00:27:14,280
If you say, "I told you so,"
you'll get one of those as well.
488
00:27:14,281 --> 00:27:18,276
Excuse me, please. Rosie, no, no, no,
Rosie, wait, please.
489
00:27:18,277 --> 00:27:19,308
Yeah, I win!
490
00:27:19,309 --> 00:27:21,297
Do you, though? Really?
491
00:27:21,297 --> 00:27:24,292
Could someone maybe cover that up?
492
00:27:24,293 --> 00:27:27,244
Moffie, I'll write!
493
00:27:27,245 --> 00:27:28,317
I won't reply!
494
00:27:28,317 --> 00:27:31,248
Ugh, yeah, ugh!
495
00:27:31,249 --> 00:27:33,297
Suppose we better get
a new PE teacher, then.
496
00:27:41,245 --> 00:27:45,237
Good news, sir, I got the photo
finish of the race, you won!
497
00:27:45,237 --> 00:27:48,236
Yes! I rule!
498
00:27:48,237 --> 00:27:50,296
You won by a head.
499
00:27:50,297 --> 00:27:53,289
It's the most popular
edition in the school's history.
500
00:27:53,290 --> 00:27:56,264
You saved the paper, sir!
Everyone's reading it.
501
00:27:56,265 --> 00:27:59,043
Oh, great!
502
00:27:59,044 --> 00:28:04,760
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