Original subtitles

♪ I'll say this

♪ I miss you more every day

♪ Daylight, it leads me

♪ Back your way

♪ Falling

♪ Into my arms again... ♪

♪ I'll say this

♪ I miss you more

♪ My friend. ♪

OK. How old are you?

15.

And what did you say your name was, sweetheart?

Suzie Pickles.

OK, well, that's the last time anyone's gonna ask you that, Suzie,

'cause you are gonna be a star.

Fuck off!

- Fucking... You're fucking joking. - No, no, I'm not.

- No, I'm not! No, I'm not! - They offered it?

Yes!

Oh, my God! I'm gonna be a Disney Princess!

Send me a confirmation email. Send it to me!

I'm gonna call you back in a sec. I'm gonna call you back.

Oh, sorry, Lorraine. Sorry, Kate.

Hi, Lorraine! Hi, Lorraine's dog!

It's a beautiful morning!

Hello, little man!

Mummy is gonna be a princess.

A princess!

Do you want some breakfast?

Good morning, Pete!

Breakfast? Breakfast? Breakfast?

Come on, come on!

Good morning, girls!

Good morning! Hey.

Hey.

Suz, it's come through officially.

- No way. You're joking. - Yeah, I just got an email.

Can you forward it to me just so I can see?

OK, doing it now.

- Love you, babe. - Oh, I love you too.

Never had any doubt.

Oh, don't be weird.

You're not gonna believe this. They offered me the Disney gig.

Are you kidding?!

- I'm not. - What?

I thought there was no way this could happen.

- I know! - Are you sure?

I mean, is there paperwork? I... I thought that you were too old.

I know. Well, apparently that's the joke, but...

- Oh. - Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

Like, I thought it was all villains from now on, you know?

- Hello, superstar! - Wait. Hang on, hang on. Let's not...

- Superstar! - Suz, let's not tell Frank just yet.

Isn't it filming really far away and, like, incredibly soon?

Oh, wow! OK.

Jolly good. Right. Uh, when does it start shooting, then?

Uh, in about a month.

Oh, come on. Let's celebrate, let's celebrate.

Where's that bottle of champagne I got from the TV show?

- Bye-bye, TV! - Does champagne go off, doesn't it?

Well, we shall find out!

- Yeah, I dunno. Maybe not right now. - No, no. Come on.

- At 9:00 in the... - So I'm just gonna drink on my own?

Genuinely, I'm fine at 9:00 in the morning.

- Oh, my gosh! OK. - Oh! Yay.

Sorry. Oh.

OK, Mummy made a mess.

- What do we think, huh? - I made a mess.

- When we make a mess... - I'll just clean up.

..we clean up!

I'll do it later. It's fine. We'll just do it later.

Silly of me.

Silly Mummy!

It's great, though. Hey, no, it's great.

Well done. Great job.

Oh, my God! That's the cleaner. The cleaner!

Wait. We've got those people coming. Why didn't you cancel?

Hi, Claudia. How are you?

I'm fine. How are you?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Shoes.

OK.

Cob, can we just generally get things off surfaces so she can...

Isn't everything on a surface?

I thought that was Newton's law of things and other things.

Where's the bleach?

Thank you!

Oh!

Hmm...

Suz?

..about how Boris Johnson summed up last night's...

- Hey! - Hiya.

Hey, I'm Dory, assistant editor at 'Esquire'.

- Yeah, you won't remember but... - Hey.

..I asked you a question from the audience

on that show 'How Come?', that kids' show in the noughties?

- Oh, yeah. Um, I remember. - Hi. Sorry.

- Morning. - The show, not you. Maybe you.

- Excuse me. - What's your name again?

Dory. Weird to call a kids' show 'How Come?' You wouldn't now.

- Yeah, I love your house. - Thank you.

I mean, it's a nightmare, but it's great.

I haven't been out this far since I visited my parents.

Oh, this is Clive, photographer.

- Hey. - This is very, very cool.

- Thank you for this, Suzie. - Oh, yep.

- Belinda's on costume. - Uh-huh. Hiya.

- Harry on sound. - Oh, I thought it was just stills.

Yeah, but, um... Yeah, we'll be doing this vlog thing online.

- I can tell you what to say. - Yeah.

And we got Brian and Em moving things about if we need things moved about.

- Christ! Ow! - Watch yourself.

And this is...

- Morning. - Barry.

- Barry. - Hello.

I don't know what the fuck Barry does.

OK. Oh, wow!

Yeah, amazing, aren't they?

- Yeah, we emailed about the dogs. - Well, I don't remember that email.

- Oh, yeah, I want to say... Natalie? - Naomi.

Naomi said that that was definitely an option.

- But, yeah, we'll play with it. - Alright, um...

- Yeah, OK! - Careful of the walls!

Oh, OK, um...

- Does anyone want a cup of tea? - Oh, yes, please!

- Tea! We want some tea. - Yeah, lovely.

OK, raise your hands if you want a tea.

Have you got any 'exspresso'?

Where are the other mugs?!

How was... Oh, is glasses a good idea?

Yeah, well, they can't share, can they?

Oh, fuck.

- Fuck! Uh... - Yeah.

- That's basically what I thought... - Where's the... Where's...

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God!

Out the way, out the way. Oh!

It's OK.

Can everyone listen to me?

- All this furniture out... - OK, there we go.

I just wondered...

- Oh, my gosh! - Whoa! Jesus Christ!

Are you dyspraxic?

- Want me to take those for you? - No, no, no. They're really hot.

- But you're holding them. - Yes.

OK.

4G isn't working. Can we get any wi-fi?

They just need another plug...

Why does Naomi keep calling you on my phone?

Um, I don't know.

I think there's probably something wrong with my phone.

- It's been a bit weird. - Right, you...

Suz?

- Listen, something's happened. - Mm-hm.

You know?

Mm-hm.

- OK, can you not talk? - Mn-mn.

There's a lot of stuff online saying

you're one of a bunch of hacked photos going up.

I think they're circulating on smaller Nazi sites.

Sounds good.

Are you aware of any images of you and Cob basically being... having...

Like, of you sucking him off?

Laugh if you are.

Sort of.

OK, and are they photos that belong to you?

- Laugh if yes. - Can I just say yes?

- Yeah. - Yes.

OK, and what were they on? Say when I say it. Laptop? iPad?

- Phone? External... - When.

- Sorry, sorry. Which one? - Phone!

Oh, my gosh. Should I smash it? Should I smash it?

What? Why? I don't know. Shit!

Maybe. No, no.

OK, I sort of need you to take control right now.

I'm on my way to the train. I'm gonna come around, get everyone out.

Don't do that. By the time you get here, they'll all be finished.

I really have to speak to Cob.

They've announced who it is in advance,

like it's 'Strictly' or something.

Maybe it's bollocks, but I think it's a brace-yourself thing.

OK. I've gotta... I've gotta go.

What's wrong?

What? I don't know. I just...

I'm just feeling a bit, um, not great.

- No, what's wrong with your phone? - It's doing something weird.

It was making this really weird sound like...

I don't... I think there was something wrong it.

Some upgrade I did or didn't do. I don't know.

But you might want to, um, look out for using yours at the moment.

What... what do you want Frank to do if he doesn't have his iPad?

I don't know, Cob. Pretend it's like the '40s or something.

Oh, oh, right, OK. Yeah, cool.

I'll just beat him with a switch and get him evacuated, obviously.

No, look, look! He's playing with the dogs over there. That's really...

Are they safe? Does anyone know if those dogs are safe?

- Right. - Suzie?! Suzie!

OK, we've got lots of things to wear.

We've got a couple of coats. THIS is the coat.

We have another coat, but this is the one for dog-matching reasons.

Where do you want to change?

Oh, it's so nice out here, isn't it?

- Is this where you live all the time? - Yeah.

Pay for it with the low ceilings, though, don't you?

Still, that's the dream - place in the country, place in town.

We didn't have a place in town.

I was so pleased to see you're still doing stuff.

Yeah, I mean, it's... it's a really good show.

It's just, you know, it's so many shows.

Oh, exactly. That's what I say.

TV's not really my thing. Hi, Chloe!

Just wondering what we're doing make-up-wise.

Yeah, hair first and then we were thinking,

like, a Cruella de Vil-y look?

It's quite horror-y, isn't it?

- Sorry, I haven't seen the show. - That's... Don't worry.

- I mean, how can there be so much TV? - There can't.

You'd have to tell me it's the best, best, best thing you'd ever seen

and even then I probably won't watch it.

Right, so you did this look back in 2000 and I loved it.

Have you got the wi-fi password, darling?

Oh, hang on. I've got 3G, so all good.

Let's have a look.

What? What?

Excuse me.

What? What, what, what, what?

Hang on. Shh, shh.

- Chloe, what is it? - I'll show you in a second!

What? Oh, my God!

Somebody's made a friend.

Oh!

Look at that.

I'm allergic to dogs, otherwise we'd...

No!

Yeah.

Are you alright?

Yeah.

Listen.

Do you know...?

You've got great skin.

Thanks.

Suzie?

Excuse me.

What is going on?

That's you done, darling.

What, sorry?

- Do you know what I'm talking about? - Um...

Yeah. No. I mean, what are you talking about?

There's been some sort of hack thing online.

I've had, like, 20 texts from people. Even my fucking brother's texting me.

Is that what it is?

That's what Naomi... That's what I meant about my phone.

Have you been hacked?

- Oh, my God. - Well, fuck, what did they get?

You don't even have to think about it, OK?

- What? - Don't think about it.

- That's what they want. - I am somewhat thinking about it.

It's probably just a hoax.

We're just thinking about the shot at the moment.

We love the fur coat. We wanna use the coat.

But it is real fur.

And your agent said that...

It's fine.

- Exactly, 'cause it's vintage. Huh. - Yeah.

We gotta be prepared...

Just...!

OK, over we come. There.

Right, dogs are the last thing we do. No pre-emptive dogs.

Thank you. Right, out. Thanks.

- Hello, Suzie. - Hi.

We don't know what we're looking for right now.

We're just gonna cycle through some feelings and see where we are.

- OK. - Yeah?

♪ Don't look into the light... ♪

We're here, yeah? You're here with me right now.

♪ Run the other way

♪ Gotta keep your nerve, baby... ♪

You've done this before. Powerful stuff, yeah.

♪ To live another day... ♪

Lovely, Suzie, Sorry. Remarkable, Suzie.

Defiant, Suzie. Yeah, impressive, Suzie. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- ♪ I'm drifting out of sight... ♪ - Such a great face.

♪ At a thousand miles an hour... ♪

Whatever's going on right now, yeah, no, don't shy away from me.

Go with it. It's really powerful stuff. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK, maybe raise an eyebrow or something

just to sort of mix it up a bit.

Yep, yep, yep.

Gorgeous.

- Absolutely gorgeous. - ♪ Ah ah

♪ Ah ah... ♪

- Yep, straight down the barrel. - I'm sorry.

- ♪ Ah ah... ♪ - Ooh, OK.

♪ Ah ah

♪ Ah ah... ♪

Thank you. Can you... can you just give us a minute?

Yeah.

Thanks.

This is literally on the internet now.

- Oh, my God. - You haven't seen this?

Well, I... have now.

- Where's it from? When is it from? - I don't know.

I don't know. I don't...

Sorry. I'm just... I'm just a bit freaked out.

- What the fuck is going on? - I don't know! I...

Are you sure it's on the... And not just on your phone?

What? Can you get them to go, please?

I... Please, I don't... I don't know what this is. I don't know.

They're only gonna be another half an hour at the most.

All their stuff's here now.

Who gives a shit that their stuff's here?

- Suzie? - Yeah!

- Can we chat? - Yeah, just... just...

- Now, please. Now! - I don't know!

I really have to go to the... Cob, Cob, I need the loo.

I have to go like that. I need it like that! Please.

- Oh... - Jesus Christ!

Just the coat, it's looking quite glamorous.

Yeah, which we don't think that we wanna do.

We wanna use it, but we want to undermine it.

So, uh, yeah, Rob's gonna go get some red paint,

like, fake blood to put on it and the dogs.

- Can we put paint on the dogs? - I don't know.

- Probably. You can paint sheep. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Are you good with that? - Yeah.

'Cause it's important to me

that anyone that sits for me in whatever capacity...

OK, I'm just... I'm so sorry. I'll be out in a minute.

Sorry. Can I just...

- Yeah? Yeah. - Yes!

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Don't get shit on the coat.

Oh, no, no, no! Claudia, please don't come in here.

- Um, actually, you can go. - You don't want me to finish?

No, no, no, it's fine. We'll pay you, but you can go.

- I'd rather finish the job. - Brilliant, but just not in here.

Everyone's seeing it now.

I'm being made a fucking a prick of, aren't I?

Yeah, OK.

OK! Everybody out. We're done here.

I'm sorry, but it is time for you to leave, OK?

You, budget Hemsworth,

I need you to get everyone the fuck out of my house.

Right. Where is she? Mamma's here.

- Amazing. Christ! - No, no, just me.

- I'm leaving. - I've got this. Hey.

Oh, good, you've touched my arm. Everything's alright now.

Right, I need you guys to get these people out of my house

or I swear I'm gonna get my air rifle...

- You OK? - ..pick them off one by one.

It's gonna be a fucking hipster bloodbath in here!

- That feels very aggressive. - Dory, we need you!

Hiya, I just want to say they're a bit worried

they might have made a mess in your kitchen.

- Um... - Oh, my God!

No! Oh, my God, no! I'll do that!

Let me do that. You go. Come on. You go, you go.

OK, I need everyone to give Suzie some space

and stop her doing whatever the fuck she's...

God, is that blood?

Babe, babe, get up.

I'm Naomi Jones, Suzie's manager.

- I spoke to someone on the phone. - Oh, yeah, me.

- I did say dogs, didn't I? - OK, can you actually give us a sec?

Yeah, of course. I just want to say... One sec.

I do this thing about women online.

I have a site, Feminazi - obviously ironic.

- But I actually run it. - Right.

I am doing this thing about consent and I would never forgive myself

if I didn't ask you, with everything going on...

What do you want? Do you want them out?

I don't know.

It's just they're here now and I just don't want to cause any trouble.

Please don't do that thing where you act all professional, OK?

I genuinely do not have the energy to pretend to respect you.

What the fuck is wrong with you? It's bad enough without you.

I'm sorry the world's seen your dick, but also fuck off slightly.

You haven't seen the pictures, have you?

- What, have they just gone up? - Mm-hm.

Oh, yeah.

Let's get the dogs in.

Great. OK, ladies, you go in for your checks. Amazing.

- Hello, darling. - Come on.

Alright, Clive's gonna do the blood in post

'cause they just keep licking it off.

Yeah, alright. Yeah.

OK, everyone happy with final checks?

- She's ready, Dory. - Happy?

Alright, let's get the big one.

Fuck!

Wow. This is superstar stuff.

Suzie, this way.

- Yeah, yeah. Thank you. - Sorry.

Wonderful. Look up. Thank you.

Is someone at the door?

Cob?!

Right, sorry, I've gotta...

- No, please... Oh. - I've got dog!

- I've got a dog! - Sorry.

Yeah, I'll grab this and this. Thank you.

- Here you are, my dear. - Thank you.

Hello... Oh, my God. What have I interrupted?

Hello. What's this?

- Oh, God. Am I in a movie? - Hello?

He said it was an emergency. Is the big man around?

Hi, Colin. How you doing? We'll start with this door, please.

Uh, hang on. Sorry. What's going on?

We're getting the locks changed, right now.

Uh, no, I don't... I don't think we are.

Oh, no, we are.

Um, no, it's fine. Colin, thank you.

- You can go. - No.

We really are getting the locks changed, Suzie.

Do you want to explain to our good friend Colin why or shall I?

Um, yeah, we... we were burgled.

Yeah, we... That's... We were just...

- Yeah. - So what's this, then?

Yeah, those guys are just dusting for prints, Colin.

Right, none of my business.

- What was stolen? - Uh, nothing. Nothing really.

Yeah, we thought we'd been burgled, but we hadn't actually.

But we do think they got a copy of the key.

That's what we think they got.

So obviously we need to change the locks.

- Ah, OK. - Suzie-floozy?

Wow. That is amazing.

That was... that was genuinely beautiful.

- It really is a sight to behold. - We need to do something.

The dogs are getting a little bit feral.

Mmm, excuse me.

Right, wonderful! She's back.

Right, do we need more blood, do you think? No?

Yeah, no, she looks great. I'm happy with that.

- Let's do this. Let's go. - Straight down, yeah.

Chin down a little bit, please. Yeah.

Fantastic, that. Light's good.

OK.

No, no, no. Seriously?

Can we, um... We need to shoot some video, please.

So we need to cut the sound.

No, can we just do the fucking photo, alright?

Just get it done. Just do the fucking photo. Do it!

- Do you need to... - Yep.

OK, can someone help her with that so she doesn't...

- Who does this belong to? - Thank you, thank you.

- Yeah, she's here right now. - Very good.

Please, please, just...

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter!

- You good? Thanks. - Thank you.

Nice to meet you.

Ooh! Can you just watch my walls?

Oh, shit.

- Is that it? - Just the last thing.

Yeah, cheers. Thanks.

- Oh, great, fantastic. - Great.

'Bye. Oh, 'bye, Colin.

- Oh, Cob's got the new keys. - Yeah, yeah, great.

Don't you want the guys to hoof this back in?

It's fine. Obviously, we're big and strong.

- Really? OK. - Yeah, yeah.

- 'Bye, then. - Alright, 'bye.

- Oh, are you keeping the coat? - Um...

- I mean, can I? - It's fur, though.

- Oh, no, then. - That'll wash out.

- Well, then... yeah. 'Bye. - Come here, Dory.

- 'Bye. - 'Bye!

- 'Bye. Fucking go. - See you later!

'Bye!

'Bye!

- Cob! - Cob, let her in.

Double-locked!

Cob!

- Cob, let her in! - Cob!

- What? - What are you doing?

When? When?!

I don't know! What are you talking about?

I don't even know what you're talking about!

Just stop!

Alright, I want Frank, then!

Suz, he's crazy. He's insane.

Let... let's just talk about it, whatever it is that I...

- I don't even know... - Go to the back door!

- Oh, my God! Oh, Cob! - Cob!

- Cob! - Give me the key!

- Give me the key. Cob! - You want it? Take it.

Give me the fucking key! Hey!

Right, I want my fucking phone, then.

- I swear to God... - He has my phone!

Cob, you fucking child!

Give me my son and my fucking phone!

Are you three years old?

Go and look for Mum's phone.

For Mummy's phone upstairs.

Upstairs. Good boy.

Bravo. So clever. Fucking hell.

Suz? It's not opening.

For fuck sake...

- There's no key. Where's the key? - There?

- There? - Are they painted shut?

- There? - No, there's no key.

Oh, fuck's sake, Cob!

Yes! Yes, give it to Mummy. Give it to Mummy. Good boy.

Good... Ooh! Good.

You are very much mistaken.

Oh, no.

Charger!

Can I please just go to my friend?

- Thank you! - Well done!

Thanks.

Oh...

I just need a charger.

I just need a charger.

Have you got a charger, mate?

You.

Ehh...

Got a charger, mate?

I hate this. I hate this.

I hate you and I hate you.

I hate this fucking place.

I hate the dark. I hate the stars.

You shouldn't be able to see so many stars.

I hate the church.

Alright?

I hate that stranger for being so rare. I hate the pub.

It's cheap. It's too cheap.

You know that's suspiciously cheap for a wine?!

I hate the way people always leave their doors unlocked.

It's not normal. Lock your houses. Lock your houses.

These people aren't nice. They're just already rich.

I hate their distress at losing PizzaExpress.

I mean, I fucking hate this place.

♪ I hate seein' the stars at night

♪ I miss the smog and the rising crime

♪ Oh, my

♪ Fuck this life. ♪

Where am I even going?

He's watching 'Pointless' aggressively loud.

Sorry.

So obviously it's not your husband's... penis in the photos.

Your highlights in the shot are gold, not blonde,

so that's only from about three months ago.

It's not your bedroom. I know that.

And you just look really happy.

♪ Just across the way

♪ I saw you yesterday

♪ Plugging holes in the day

♪ As the sunshine ran away

♪ Take a walk with me

♪ Tell me your dreams

♪ The things that you believe

♪ That no-one else sees

♪ I'll lose myself to you

♪ Run, run, run, run... ♪