Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Okay, Mary, you're a big city girl

who never stops to enjoy the little things in life.

And today, it all pays off.

Congratulations, Mary.

All the movies you've produced for the Heartmark Channel

are huge hits!

I mean, Murder She Braised

scored in every single one of our key demos.

Women 18 to 49 and women 49 and up.

Well, I'm very passionate about telling stories

about homemakers who solve mysteries.

How would you like to be president

of our entire Homemaker Mysteries division?

Thank you, sir. When do I start?

What? Hey‐‐ oh, not so fast.

One of our other movies is in a little bit of trouble.

I need you to put out a few fires

on the set of A Christmas Ornament for Christmas.

A Christmas movie?

Mary, this is Heartmark.

Christmas movies are our bread and butter.

You get this one back on track,

the promotion's yours.

I won't let you down.

But you hate Christmas.

No, I hate Christmas movies.

How can anyone hate Christmas movies?

Trust me, I can.

Look, if I want the promotion, I have to do this.

It's only for a few days.

Ugh. You still don't know how I take my coffee, do you?

Honey, we've been engaged for two years.

When are you gonna stop caring about that?

(smooches)

(sighs)

So where are they sending you?

The last small town that can pass for Canada

passing for America that didn't already have

another one of our Christmas movies shooting in it.

♪ ♪

MOE: So...

real exciting having you

big‐city movie guys around.

- Uh‐huh. - Christmas movie shot in the summer.

Now, uh, why do youse do that?

Well, it's for a variety of reasons.

Oh, reasons! (laughs)

Yeah, yeah, I figured, yeah.

And here you are.

Welcome to your Airbnb!

You must be Mary Tannenbaum.

I'm Marge Simpson.

Homer, the bags!

Yes, Mrs. Simpson.

♪ Welcome to our humble home ♪

♪ We have chargers for your phone. ♪

You know, I'm really tired.

Of course, let me show you

to the Bartholomew suite.

Oh, I can't believe Mom gave her my room.

She's gonna shed girl particles all over it.

Shut up, boy, we're all in this together.

And by "we," I mean "me"

bleeding this movie production dry for 500 bucks a night.

Fine, then I'm sleeping in my treehouse.

Heh, good luck.

I'm renting that out to the sound effects guy.

‐(lion roars) ‐(explosion)

(Wilhelm scream)

- Aw, man, what the...? - (horn blows)

Please tell me you have Wi‐Fi.

Wi‐Fi do, that's news to me.

(laughs)

(sighs)

- (gasps) - You work for Heartmark?

- Mm. - I've seen all the Christmas movies.

Christmas at Cozy Manor.

A Soldier for Mommy at Christmas.

Okay, okay, in Flyover Country Christmas,

when Abigail found the nest of reindeer eggs,

‐what did she do‐‐ ‐Look, I have no idea.

I never work on Christmas movies.

(gasps) What?

But they're the best ones.

Not for me.

I'm just here to put out a few fires

and get home to the big city and my surgeon fiancé.

Sounds handsome.

MARGE: No rush.

Ta‐da!

It's not the Sex and City brunches

you're used to, but we do all right.

I don't know what goes on an everything bagel,

so I just took a stab at it.

I actually don't eat bread.

Or dairy or whatever those are.

All right, gluten balls!

Mmm, mmm!

(gulping)

- (gasps) - Ms. Tannenbaum?

Do you mind if I shoot a behind‐the‐scenes documentary

about the movie to earn my Little Filmmaker merit badge?

I‐I don't really know how to talk to kids.

Neither do I!

I'll see you on set.

Look, I'll just grab something on my way.

Thanks so much.

Oh, why don't more foods come in "everything"?

What can I get you, hon?

I'll have an extra‐tall, nonfat, triple‐vegan espresso mocha,

clean white, two‐pump, half‐barley water,

half‐macadamia milk with room for air.

We got regular

and we got griddle drippings.

(Skinner laughs)

I'm sorry, is something funny?

Oh, just you city folk and your legume milks.

That and this Pearls Before Swine comic.

I was laughing at both things simultaneously.

Well, at least in the city, we don't all die at 60

from butter‐clogged heart failure.

No, don't go.

Maybe they've got some lentils you can milk.

- Or acorns. - (laughter)

Ah, city folk.

They don't know the joys of small‐town diners.

Like yelling gossip across a crowded room.

Hey, Sea Captain, how's the IBS?

Yarr, if I'm calm, it's calm.

You tell Markie Post that if she's got issues

with the script, I can have Swoosie Kurtz on the next plane

out here and for half her price.

And if Swoosie Kurtz has a problem with that,

Annie Potts is already here.

Great work, Mary, but we've got more problems.

One‐‐ I directed a hundred of these, they're all the same.

Two‐‐ our gazebo guy has come down

with a nasty case of carpenter's divorce.

Oh, why didn't I lock my iPad?!

Great. How will people know

this Christmas town is quaint without multiple gazebos?

And when you got that figured out,

some local nutjob has taken down our Christmas stuff.

- Ugh. I'll take care of it. - (hammering)

BOTH: Ugh. It's you.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm setting up the town's annual Lettuce and Tomato Festival.

It's our summertime tradition in honor of too‐oft eaten,

but seldom celebrated workhorses of barbecue season.

The whole town turns out.

We're trying to shoot a movie here.

Well, if your movie is anything like your gazebos,

you're looking at some major structure problems,

and I should know.

Hmm. How about this?

You build our gazebos, and I'll make sure

they halt production for your little festival.

Mm. All right, you've got,

as you say in the big city, a deal.

And... good enough. Or whatever. Who cares really?

(phone chimes)

Okay, movie's back on schedule, under budget,

and our shipment of cozy scarves was released from customs.

Ah, looks like mission accomplished, Mary.

You know it, Cab Driver.

I can't wait to get home to my condo,

my gay best friend and my surgeon fiancé.

And I'll never have to work on a...

Christmas movie again.

(phone rings)

Hello, sir.

Yes, everything's been taken care of.

You want me to stay for the entire shoot?

And if I leave I won't get the promotion?

And I have an annoying way of talking on the phone?

Yes, sir.

It had to be a Christmas movie.

But Samantha, I can't go caroling with you.

Your Christmas megastore's gonna put

my mom‐and‐pop ornament shop out of business.

Oh, Bruce, all I cared about was my career,

but then we had that moment at Christmas Creek,

and things changed.

DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut!

You idiots are using the names

from the last one of these we shot.

You're Sondra and Jeff now.

Don't worry. We can just dub the names in later.

Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

None of this matters.

All right, moving on to the... Ooh.

...the golden retriever Christmas sweater fashion show.

(panting)

Simpson House Airbnb‐‐

home of the original gluten ball.

Free parking on Flanders' lawn.

Oh, Dad, the house is too full already.

I slept in the bathtub last night.

I woke up with drain marks on my face.

Suck it up, Drain Face.

This movie production's a gold mine.

Hey, how would you fellas like to sleep in my marital bed?

- BOTH: Hmm. - Oh! (grunts)

Yup. Nothing like the magic of a fully‐funded Hollywood set.

Hmm. Who to gouge? Who to gouge?

Well, bad news. We're all out of fake snow.

So use one of the other brands‐‐

Drift King, Flurry Slurry, Blizzard Butter.

No, there's none left.

Heartmark is shooting at least

50 other Christmas movies as we speak.

I don't care how much it costs.

Just find me some fake snow.

Fake snow? More like easy dough.

How hard could it be to find white stuff to grind up?

(instrumental of "Let It Snow" playing)

(whirring)

♪ ♪

(whirring)

Would you mind taking a break?

We're about to shoot the pivotal scene

where the two leads realize

they're starting to like each other.

Well, well,

the big city gal is telling me to slow down.

There's a humorous reversal for you.

The gazebos look great.

You're very talented.

Oh, only with my hands.

(phone ringing)

Hey there! What a nice surprise!

Hey, babe. How are things in the boondocks?

God, you must be miserable.

Oh, yeah, I'm surrounded by a bunch of backwoods,

lotto‐scratching, monster‐truck‐driving,

Big‐Gulp‐guzzling bumpkins.

I can't wait to go back to the city.

Well, it'll all be worth it when you get your big promotion‐‐

movie executive for a greeting card company.

See? I listen.

- ♪ ♪ - Ah.

Mm.

Okay, there's nowhere else to sleep.

I have no choice.

! Ay, caramba!

Okay, ladies, let's get this over with.

(Bart whimpering)

Ah!

No more girlie stuff. Lights out.

As you wish, Prince Pajama Foot.

(lullaby playing)

Most people think the capital is New York,

but it's Albany.

(snores softly)

Most people.

Oh, my God. She's sleep‐nerding.

(Maggie snoring)

(screams)

Can I sleep in here with you guys?

Aah!

Oh, sorry, kid, no room at the inn.

That's it!

I am getting my room back!

- Tough day? - Aah!

Would you like some tea?

I found the brand Gwyneth Paltrow likes.

I think you take it orally.

Well, do you have any wine?

Wine? Why, yes. Yes, I do.

(gasps) I'm moving into "quirky best friend" territory.

So, we were supposed to shoot

the big Christmas tree lighting scene tomorrow,

but it turns out Springfield has

a very aggressive beaver population.

(beavers grunting)

So no more big town‐wide celebration.

But you need that!

That's the part in every Heartmark Christmas movie

where everybody comes together,

and the jaded outsider is finally won over.

Well, we don't have the time or money or creativity

to come up with something new.

So unless Springfield already has some big event tomorrow,

that's already decorated in Christmas colors...

♪ ♪

Great work, Mary.

This movie just might be good enough

to fold laundry to.

How are you gonna explain all the produce

and people wearing shorts?

Eh, so long as the attractive white people

make with the closed‐mouth smooches, nobody's complaining.

What is going on here?

I leave to pick up my I‐heart‐Bibb bibs,

and you turn my summer festival into a‐a‐a holiday set piece!

I thought we had a deal.

But look, everyone's having a great time.

Hey, Skinner, I never thought the Lettice and Tomato Festival

could get any better‐‐ but Christmas!

Yeah. Makes Okratoberfest seem ridiculous in comparison.

All I gotta do is ruin this movie.

Then I get my room back.

Hmm. Hmm...

- Whoa! Hey! - Hey! - (people shrieking)

Aw, no, this is the worst thing to happen to this movie

since someone wrote it.

Okay, that's a wrap for today.

‐SKINNER (muffled): Help. Help! ‐MARY (muffled): Help! Help, help!

We're trapped.

(sighs) It had to be a Christmas movie.

(sighs) Zero bars.

Well, we'll just have to dig our way out.

Aah! What the hell is this fake snow made of?

I have no idea.

We paid some local lunatic to grind it for us.

Well, I hope you're happy.

First you ruin my festival, and now this.

People loved it!

You heard that pair of nuclear engineering simpletons.

(chuckles): Oh, Lenny and Carl like everything.

That's their affect.

Is it getting hotter in here?

It would appear our heated verbal sparring

is upping the temperature in this confined space.

Well, I guess we should agree not to talk.

- Fine. - Fine.

Um, maybe this'll cool you down.

Thanks.

Look, I'm sorry I ruined your festival.

No, you made it better.

People seemed to actually be showing up on purpose this year.

Springfield's lucky to have someone like you

who cares so much about small‐town values.

(yawns)

Sure is hot in here.

Perhaps we should huddle closer.

For coolness.

Good morning.

How did you get out?

Well, luckily, the fake snow hardened,

and I was able to dig my way out

with this shoehorn I always carry on my person.

God, you're handy.

One extra‐tall, nonfat, triple‐vegan espresso mocha,

clean white, two‐pump, half‐barley water,

half‐macadamia milk with room for air.

- You remembered. - Who could forget it?

SURGEON FIANCE: Mary?

So this is why you didn't answer my calls.

No! It's not what it looks like!

He's just the gazebo builder.

You took my room from me, movie lady.

And now it's payback time.

Hey, everybody! Want to see what this Heartmark phony

really thinks of you?

My footage!

Oh. Yeah.

I'm surrounded by a bunch of backwoods, lotto‐scratching,

monster‐truck‐driving,

Big Gulp‐guzzling bumpkins.

(gasping)

But we opened our hearts to you.

I let myself be whimsical in front of you!

How dare you not be charmed by us.

(stomach gurgles)

I may drive a monster truck,

but the real monster is she!

Wait! I didn't mean it!

And we know all about your plans to sell the town

to that big developer who wants to turn it into condos.

No, I'm not. How would I sell the town?

Yeah, all right. Forget I said anything.

I took a shot. I whiffed it.

Let's just... move on.

Mary, you got to do something.

Without these Big Gulp‐guzzling bumpkins as extras,

we can't finish the movie.

Come back, everyone!

Come back.

I love it when a shoot falls apart.

I was sent here to put out fires.

How could you say those hurtful things about Springfield?

I'm sorry, but working on this movie's been so painful.

For me, Christmas is the least wonderful time of the year.

But the song says "the most."

I know what the song says!

There's a reason I hate Christmas movies.

It all started one winter,

when a movie production came to town.

My dad thought it'd be fun to be an extra.

They cast him as a store employee

in a scene where crazed parents stormed in

to get the hottest toy.

He was trampled to death.

You can still see his last moments on Earth

in the trailer for... (sobs)

Jingle All the Way.

(glass shatters)

(cries) And now I've lost everything,

my fiancé, my dream job

and, worst of all,

the respect of a small town.

Then you do like Springfield.

I've come to love this place,

with its homespun ways,

its earnest, hardworking folk

and its wonderful airbed‐and‐breakfasts.

I guess what I'm saying is,

I'm really gonna miss you all.

Airport, please.

Right away.

I just got to make one quick stop.

MARY: The simple townsfolk are rebuilding the set!

It's a miracle!

We're gonna be able to finish this piece of crap after all.

(laughing)

You. But how?

I gave a rousing speech about how our Gulps might be big

and our trucks might be monster

but our hearts are enlarged as well.

And I secretly filmed you saying nice things to my mom.

And I showed the whole town.

Yeah, and we saw that was the real youse. (chuckles)

(cheering)

Thank you for showing me that small towns

are the best‐sized towns of all

and Christmas movies are the best movies,

because everything always works out,

no matter how contrived.

Now let's finish this movie.

(cheering)

Mary, wait, I...

I don't know what happened in that gazebo,

but I don't care!

So who's it gonna be,

me or him?

Darling, you're perfect.

But maybe life isn't about perfect.

Skinner‐‐ I don't know your first name‐‐

you're the one who remembered how I like my coffee,

and that's why I choose you.

ALL: Aw!

Are you nuts?

Pick him!

He's a thousand times better than me.

He's a surgeon.

A handsome surgeon.

What was your plan?

Were you gonna move here?

Were we gonna share a car?

I'm getting dizzy just thinking about your poor decision‐making.

This is twice now.

I know.

♪ ♪

That was the worst movie I've ever seen.

That snow looked so fake.

Mom, uh...

no.

I don't care!

These movies are for moms

and their wine and a cozy throw blanket

and a candle that smells like a pine tree

or hot apples.

If you're not any of those things,

scram before the next one starts.

(muttering)

(inhales deeply)

(sighs contentedly)

Shh!

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