Original subtitles

- Why did we agree to be paintball testers?

- I thought we'd be shooting the paintballs.

I didn't know we'd be the targets.

- That was the worst KidDING job ever.

- That was the best KidDING job every.

- You liked that? - Look at us.

We've been transformed into walking pieces of art.

I have the perfect name for this masterpiece:

the "Mona-Munchy."

- Well, at least when that paintball knocked me

into a pond, I got a selfie with a duck.

This is perfect for my animal selfie collection.

I already have me with a bobcat, a weasel, a tortoise,

and a hare, a kangaroo, and a meercat.

I would've gotten one with that octopus,

but he had an attitude.

[phone chimes] - Hey, the payment

from the paintball job just went through.

all: Boop, boop, boop!

Bew! Boom!

- We have enough to pay back Tedward,

plus a little extra.

What should we spend it on?

- Ooh, let's get paid to get hit by more paintballs.

- No, wait, I have a better idea.

Where can we go that has milkshakes,

32 types of cheese, and a live cow?

- I know what you're gonna say,

and I love it.

- Let's go to the MicroMooery.

- That's what I thought you were going to say,

and I love it.

- Oh, I love this place.

And I love you, Cash the Cow.

- Cash the Cow is an animal.

You can get a selfie with her and add it to your collection.

- I can't.

There's a sign that says "No Selfies With The Cow."

- So?

- Signs are basically laws that are taped to a wall.

- Welcome back to the MicroMooery.

all: Spenders!

- How's our favorite "moo-rista"?

- The milkshakes are cold,

the cheese is old, and my suspenders can do this.

- I only thought they held up your pants.

So cool. - What can I get you?

We have every dairy product you can imagine.

Milkshakes, butter, yogurt--

who am I kidding, you guys are gonna get milkshakes.

all: Yes please. - Good choice.

- Hey, Spenders,

what's up with your no-cow-selfie policy?

- Well, it turns out Cash is camera shy.

Every time she sees a camera,

we can't get milk out of her for days.

So we banned selfies. There are no exceptions.

all: Aww. - Except one exception.

all: Ahhh.

The annual Milkshake Suckdown competition is coming up,

and the winner gets a selfie with Cash the Cow.

[cow moos]

She said she's happy to pose with the champion.

[cow moos] Right,

but she says no posting on social media.

- It's a milkshake drinking contest?

I could win that. I have eight siblings.

If you don't eat fast at my house, you don't eat.

- I'm not here, I'm not here, I'm not here,

I'm not here, I'm not here.

[electric guitar riff]

- That was weird.

- If I know Jaget, and I do

because he's my brother, it's about to get even weirder.

- Say it, Spenders. - I don't want to.

- Do it, milkman.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

introducing your raining MicroMooery's Milkshake

Suckdown champion --

- Like you mean it.

- The Master of Milk, the King of Calcium,

the Big Bad Dairy Daddy,

put your hands together for Jaget!

[AC/DC's "Thunderstruck"]

♪ ♪

[music stops]

- Whoo-hoo!

What? The dude knows how to make an entrance.

- Set me up, Spenders.

As Suckdown champion, I get free milkshakes for a year.

Mmm, I can taste the free.

Speaking of free, you brats can feel free

to give me the payment for my daddy.

- No problem.

We just finished a job, so here's your money.

- I'll take that, and that is for the late fee.

- We weren't late paying you. You were late collecting.

- I know, but somebody was still late.

- Now we don't have enough left to buy milkshakes.

- Hey, Spenders, what can I get for half a dollar?

And by that, I mean a dollar that's ripped in half.

- I suppose you could buy the muck shake.

[grunts]

- What's the muck shake?

- It's a bucket where we put all the leftovers.

You know, ice cream, yogurt, butter --

I guess you could call it pre-garbage.

- Why don't you just throw it away?

- We tried. It keeps coming back.

- I'm taking you down, Jaget.

- Oh, here we go.

Back for more, Chump?

- My name's not Chump, it's Stump.

And I'm ready to take that belt from you at the Suckdown.

- Are you? Go.

[both slurping]

[groans]

- No man can chug that fast.

- I'm no man. I'm Jaget.

- No fair!

This didn't count. I'll see you at the Suckdown.

- Where is the applause? Are you not entertained?

- You know what?

It's time someone takes you down,

and that someone is three someones, which is us:

me, Lex, and Munchy.

We're the someones who's going to do something about you.

Will somebody please stop me?

- I will. We're entering the contest.

- Yeah! - Is that right, Munchy?

You think you can take down your big bro?

I like your misguided confidence.

Here, you can have my milkshake.

- This is empty.

- Then I guess you won't mind if I do this.

- [gasps]

- Jaget out.

- Whoo! What?

Dude knows how to make an exit.

[upbeat music]

- Yes, Jaget, I know you're the best.

I'm sorry for almost standing up to you.

Okay. See you at dinner.

- You know you can beat him at this contest.

- No, I can't. You don't understand.

There's only one thing I can do:

hide behind a pillow where no one can find me.

- Hey, Lex. Hey, pillow-Munchy.

- Dang it. - Who wants nachos?

- Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

- We can't go up against my brother at this contest.

He's the best milkshake drinker in the world.

Nobody sucks like him.

- Well, nobody eats like Lex.

Having to compete with four brothers

and four sisters for food

has made her an eating machine. I mean...

- What?

- You guys don't get it.

Jaget has a secret weapon that makes him unbeatable.

- A complete lack of self-awareness?

- No. He can't get brain freeze.

- [gasps]

- That's impossible. Even Zendaya gets brain freeze.

- I'm telling you, I've been trying to eat

frozen stuff faster than him my whole life.

I always lose.

From popsicles to ice cream to even a bag of frozen corn.

He hates corn.

His complete lack of brain freeze makes him

impossible to beat.

I wish I could beat him, just once.

- Well, get me a pair of puffy pants,

call me a genie,

'cause I'm about to make your wish come true.

- Presley, we don't have any puffy pants.

- I was being metaphorical,

which is a word I think I used correctly.

- You did! Anything is possible!

Munchy, let's do this.

- Yeah!

all: Boop, boop, boop! Bew! Boom!

- ♪ I got you, got me, we got this ♪

♪ I like the odds when we're side-by-side ♪

♪ I like the sound of that ♪

♪ Oh, we're taking off, gonna do this right ♪

♪ I like the sound of that ♪

♪ And when things go off friends are on it ♪

♪ 'Cause I got you, got me, we got this ♪

[crowd cheering]

- This is from last year's Suckdown.

- He just drank five gallons of milkshake

like it was nothing.

- I told you he can't get brain freeze.

This is why I've never been able to beat him

at the very specific sport of eating cold things.

- So what do we do?

- The only thing we can do--

lose and let him make us eat grass.

- Jaget makes you eat grass?

- No. He threatens to sometimes,

but I just bend over and make chewing sounds.

- We are going to stand up to him.

We're gonna take him down.

Lex, you are the fastest eater I know.

- Speaking of, do you have any more nachos?

- No!

Munchy, you're finally gonna beat your brother

and make him eat grass.

- Why does anybody need to eat grass?

- I'm trying to motivate

the two of you it, and you keep interrupting.

- You know what? I'm on board.

Maybe I'll finally be able

to be my brother at eating cold things.

Then I can move on to warm things.

- That's the spirit, Munchy. - I have a plan.

I'm gonna be in charge of playing mind games on Jaget.

You two are going to be in charge of winning

the competition.

And I know the perfect person

to help me help you win this competition.

He's hiding behind the shelves, looking at Lex.

- 'Sup. Are you talking about me?

- I'm glad you're here, little bro.

We need your help.

- To take Lex to Europe?

No problem. I have passports for both of us.

- No. To fix brain freeze.

- Not as exciting as Europe, but sure, I can do that.

- Wait, how do you have a passport for me?

- I'll tell you on the flight over.

- So, how is Lex and I switching brains

gonna help us beat my brother?

- For the last time, you're not switching brains.

This machine simulates brain freeze

so you can build up a tolerance,

and drink milkshakes pain-free.

That way, you can win the competition.

- Is that really gonna work?

- Allow me to demonstrate on Munchy.

- Ooh, I like the sound of that.

[electronic warbling]

- Munchy is experiencing level one brain freeze.

It's like eating four ice cubes.

- Whoa, get that ice out of my mouth.

- Level two is like putting your underwear

on your head after it's been in the freezer.

- When did I put frozen underwear on my head?

- And level three is like someone shoved

Alaska in your nose.

- I smell moose! - Whoa, that's impressive.

- You think so? It's based on --

- No, turn it off!

The mooses, they're eating my brain!

[yelps]

- ♪ Milkshake, milkshake ♪

♪ You're so good ♪

♪ Tastes fantastic, like I knew you would ♪

- You writing a song about me?

Because you can rhyme Jaget with awesome;

it just takes a little bit of work.

- No. I'm training for the Suckdown.

- You're not going to win.

- I know. I'm only entering

so I can drink a free milkshake during the competition.

But Lex and your brother are training,

and they're gonna take you down.

- [chortling]

That's the dumbest thing I've heard

since I heard your dumb baby guitar.

- Ukulele. - You're the "kulele."

- You're gonna lose.

They're in the basement right now,

using science to end your reign of terror.

- What are you doing out here then?

- We knew you might come here to mess with us,

so I volunteered to wait out here and get in your head.

- You can't get in my head.

- I'm already in your head.

- No, you're not; you're outside my head for sure.

- You want to know

what's going on down in the basement, don't you?

- Not at all. In fact, I'm going back to my house.

I'm not here, I'm not here

I'm not here, I'm not here, I'm not here!

[both slurping]

- Whoa, Munchy, you are a milkshake chugging machine.

- [gasps] Done.

- 11 minutes and 50 seconds.

You just broke Jaget's record!

- Munch Man, that was amazing.

- What's amazing? Only I'm amazing.

- Munchy's milkshake time.

- No way. 11 minutes, 50 seconds?

- That time can't be real.

- The times are real, and you're gonna find out

yourself tomorrow at the Suckdown.

- Is that right, Munchy?

You think you can finally beat the Big Bad Dairy Daddy?

- Heck yeah I do. I think.

Maybe? Unlikely.

No, don't make me eat grass!

- This is my belt, and no one is taking my belt.

Besides, it's holding up my pants.

- Then you should probably get some tighter pants

because we're winning that belt.

- Let me ask you a question.

Since you are so confident you're gonna win this thing,

how about a side wager?

- Let me ask you a question.

What's a side wager?

- It's like a bet.

Whoever loses the competition has to drink the muck shake.

- Wait, isn't the muck shake

that leftover slop in a bucket?

I don't want to drink that.

- Deal. You messed up.

Jaget out!

- All right, today is the bid day,

Suckdown Saturday. If we don't come back

with that belt, we don't come back at all.

both: Yeah! - But just to be clear,

we do have to come back because I have a dog to feed.

- Munch, how you feeling? - Feeling great.

I feel like today's finally the day I beat my big brother.

I did some extra training last night

and slept next to an open refrigerator.

- That's my Munchy. Everybody in.

all: Boop, boop, boop, bew! Milkshakes!

[phone chimes]

- Huh, that's weird.

I'll see you guys at the Mooery.

- Don't you worry. The Bid Bad Dairy Daddy

is not gonna let them take you away.

- Um, are you okay? - Mind your own business.

- You just texted, "Come outside and see me."

- Because I wanted to make you understand.

To you, this is just some random competition,

but to me this is all I got.

- Hey, that's not true.

What about your Cool Guys Who Do Magic club?

- There's no club.

It's just me shuffling cards, saying ta-da.

- But what about your pen pal, Hans?

- There's no Hans. I made him up.

- What? He writes you every week.

- I write those letters. You know how much work it is

writing a letter and mailing it to yourself?

- No. - Well I do.

It's time-consuming.

I got nothing and nobody, except this belt.

If you'll excuse us,

I don't know how much time we have left together.

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- All right. It's Suckdown time.

Lex, either you or Munchy are gonna win this thing.

- It's gonna be Lex.

Look, I think you're number one.

- Whoever wins, the most important thing is Jaget loses.

- I am so winning this year.

- Aren't you the one

who whined "no fair" and then ran away?

- No. That was someone else.

A lot of people look like me, okay?

[cowbell clanking]

- Ladies and gentlemen, cows and calves,

welcome to the MicroMooery's annual Milkshake Suckdown.

[cheers and applause]

You all know the rules. - I don't.

- Well, since one of the rules

is that everyone must know the rules, here they are.

The first person to finish their milkshake wins.

But if you get off your stool for any reason,

you're disqualified. Can we start now?

- Sorry, I got a text while you were talking.

Can you start over?

- Great question, and no.

Three, two, one, suck!

- You got this, Lex. We're all behind you.

- Ow! Brain freeze!

- Lex, no! - You're out.

- I don't understand, how can I have brain freeze

after your intense training?

- Confession time.

I never made my machine give you brain freeze.

I couldn't stand to see you in pain.

- But I drank all of those cold milkshakes.

- More confession time.

I actually gave you brain warm, which is like

I was giving your brain a hug, which I offer to you now.

- Fine, but just hug my head.

[cheers and applause]

- How's it going, buddy? - I know what you're doing.

You're trying to act all casual to intimidate me.

Classic tortoise and hare.

Well here's how this story ends--I eat 'em both!

[groans]

Ah! Brain freeze.

- You're out! - No fair.

- We are down to the last three competitors,

two of whom I'm rooting for, but I won't say which.

- I think Munchy is gonna win.

- Go Munch-- ow, my head still hurts.

- Munch, you're almost there. Now, finish him!

- [whimpering]

- Jaget, are you crying?

- To you, this is some random competition,

but to me, this is all I got. [melancholy music]

I got nothing and nobody, except my belt.

There is no Hans. I made him up.

- I want you to win this, big bro.

[crowd gasps]

- Munchy, no! Ow.

- What are you doing?

You were finally about to beat your brother.

- You gave up just so I can win?

- Yeah. I love you, man.

- Munchy.

My brother, I want you to know that is so...

stupid!

- What?

- All I had to do was make up some poor sob story,

and now you kids are gonna be sucking on a muck shake.

- You made it all up?

- Sure did, little brother. It was fun.

- Not cool, Jaget. Not cool at all.

- So, your pen pal Hans is real?

- Why don't you ask him yourself?

He came all the way from Norway.

- You're super-duper, Jaget.

- Looks like Jaget's gonna win again.

- Presley wants us to distract Jaget

so she can win the competition.

- You got that from her doing this.

- We've been besties a long time.

-L How is she not getting brain freeze?

- She's getting it. She's getting it bad.

- She's fighting through for us.

- Classic tortoise and hare. Stump approves.

- Now I'm gonna finish this and reclaim my belt.

Enjoy the muck shake, losers.

- On it.

- Man, it feels good to be a part of a team.

- Wait, Jaget, before you win the competition,

can you tell everyone here how you got so awesome?

- Well, I should probably win the competition first,

but since I can't lose,

I'm happy to educate everybody in the ways I'm awesome.

- Way number one:

I don't let birds push me around.

Way number two--

Way number 19:

I never let different foods touch when they're on my plate.

Way number 20-- - [gasps] I'm done!

- We have a winner. - What?!

Thanks for taking so long to list

all the ways you're awesome, Jaget.

- No! You tricked me!

I would never do that to anybody.

Jaget out!

- Not so fast. I'm gonna need that belt.

[laughter]

And the winner of this year's Suckdown is Presley!

[cheers and applause]

- You must have the worst case of brain freeze of all time.

- No, it's not too--

- Her brain just needs a little time to thaw.

- Well, Jaget, since you lost,

you have to drink the muck shake.

- No problem.

[gags]

Why is it hot?

- Here, Munchy, I want you to have this.

- Thank you so much.

But I was really hoping to beat my big bro.

- For the record, today you didn't lose to him;

you lost to me.

And isn't that basically the same thing as winning?

- I'm not sure--but that does make me feel better.

And so does that.

- [retching] - Jaget, are you okay?

- Don't look at me, Hans.

- But I came from Norway. - Go on, get!

- Lex, I'm gonna let you

take my selfie with Cash the Cow.

- For real?

- Of course, you're my bestie.

And no one else I know wants a picture with a cow.

- We'll see about that.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

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