All language subtitles for Scream Queens (2015) - 01x01x02 - Pilot web-dl

(panting)

♪ ♪

(panting)

You have to come.

Something really bad happened.

Did you just get your period
all over yourself?

(pants)

This isn't my blood.

Holy crap!

Who told you you could
have a baby here tonight?

Guys, i'm so sorry.

Obviously,
i'm as upset

As anyone about this.

I'm sure i can walk
if i can just get some gatorade.

I don't care
if you can walk.

How are we supposed to get you
to the front door

Without everyone seeing you
all gross

And postpartum?

No one wants to see that
at a party.

Right. Of course. Uh...

This is super embarrassing.

I didn't even know
i was pregnant.

I just thought
it was the freshman 15.

I thought
i was having a bread baby.

You are officially the worst

Kappa pledge
of all time.

Okay, we have
to get her help.

You guys,
they're playing "waterfalls."

(gasps)
is that a baby? Amazing.

Look, this is our song.

Tlc!

I am not missing "waterfalls"

For this.

"waterfalls" is my jam.

We can't just leave her.

(fussing)
we'll be back
after this song.

Give the baby some
mojito to quiet it down.

♪ another body laying cold
in the gutter ♪

♪ listen to me ♪

All:
♪ don't go chasing waterfalls ♪

♪ please stick to the rivers and
the lakes that you're used to ♪

♪ i know that you're gonna have
it your way or nothing at all ♪

♪ but i think
you're moving too fast... ♪

Kappa!

(crowd cheering)

♪ i seen a rainbow
yesterday... ♪

You guys, i'm such
a good babysitter.

I brought you some
bartles and jaymes.

What the hell?

What's wrong with her?
She looks awful.

She's dead.

How do you know she's dead?

Because her eyes are stuck open.
(sniffles)

I tried to touch one,
but she didn't move.

Dude, that is so gross.

I can't even
wear contact lenses because

That freaks me out
so much.

She's dead.

Okay? What the hell
are we gonna do?

(alarm ringing)

♪ ♪

Good morning, slits.

All:
Good morning, chanel.

My name is chanel oberlin,

And i am the queen
of kappa kappa tau.

No.

No.

No.

These are my minions.

I don't know their names.

I don't want
to know their names.

They're known as...

Chanel #2.

Chanel #3.

Chanel #5.

I'm chanel #1, obvi.

There was a chanel #4,
but she got meningitis.

She was like, "i'm sick.
I have to go home."

And i was like, "no. Stay."

But she went home anyway,
and then she died.

So another thing
i was right about.

I'll see you
ladies in bio.

I have a colonic
at 10:00.

A lot of people talk smack
about how sororities

Are exclusive
and they're a class system.

♪ ♪

Well, guess what.

Life is a class system.

And a sorority is the one place
left in the world

Where you get to pick and
choose the people around you.

That obese specimen of human
filth scrubbing bulimia vomit

Out of the carpet is ms. Bean.
I call her white mammy

Because she's essentially
a house slave.

Watch this.

Excuse me, white mammy.

You're not allowed
to call me that.

Sorry. I have a question.
And it's just a hypothetical.

If i asked you

If you knew somethin'
'bout birthin' babies

Or if you didn't know nothin'
'bout birthin' no babies...

...What would you say?

I'd say i don't know.

Don't know...?

I don't know nothin'

'bout birthin' no babies.

Amazing. Thank you.

Oh, still a lot of puke

To scrub.

Let's make that a priority.

The things you say
are hilarious

And poignant.
Thank you.

Yeah, you have an amazing skill
at telling people

What they need to hear.

I'm sorry. Did i ask you
to pull down my panties

And blow a compliment
up my butt?

Nobody likes a
suck-up, chanel #5.

Oh, ms. Chanel,
i almost forgot.

The dean of students called, and
she needs to see you right away.

Dean:
I'm gonna be honest.

I hate sororities,
and i hate you.

For years, i've
seen the damage

These so-called sisterhoods
have had on young girls.

Do you think
you like to munch box

Because your last name
is munsch,

Or is that just
a coincidence?

First of all, i'm not a lesbian.

Second, this is exactly
what i'm talking about.

You see, out in the real world,

People just don't talk
that way to other people.

It's not normal.

Now, i'm not sure
you're aware,

But i'm no longer
associate dean.

After dean reynolds' unfortunate
passing over the summer,

I was promoted to her position.

Well, that sure sounds
suspicious.

Yes. I snuck into the home
of my 80-year-old colleague

Of 20 years and dropped a
transistor radio in her bathtub

So i could get
a five percent raise.

Take your glasses off.

Now, dean reynolds' oversight
of greek life

At this school was so negligent
that it bordered on criminal.

And kappa is the source of
rampant reports of alcoholism,

Prescription drug
abuse, racism,

As well as allegations
of bestiality...

No one forced that goat
to get as drunk as it got.

That's on him.

But all of it is like children

Playing in a sandbox
compared to the horrors

That occurred at
kappa last spring.

This is the final police report
on the assault

On your presidential predecessor
at kappa, melanie dorkess.

That girl was a bitch
who thought she was all that

Because her family
founded the olive garden

And she had no gag reflex.

My main problem with you,
chanel, is that you're short.

And, historically, short people
are sneaky backstabbers,

Like napoleon
or paul shaffer.

I asked,
but the dry cleaner said

They couldn't rush the clothes.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not finished.

I could
actually handle

That you're built
like a thai lady boy,

But what i can't stand

Is that you think
you're my heir apparent.

The greek system is under
fire all over the country.

The next president of this
house has to be willing

To dance with
the devil himself

To keep this thing
of ours going.

And, baby, you ain't got it.

I'm sorry, chanel.

You are no longer invited
on my plane

Down to punta mita
for spring break.

No. Please don't do this to me.

Don't you want me
to spray-tan you?

I have it all ready.

No, chanel. I would honestly
rather not have you around.

(door closes)

Okay. Someone turn me
into jada pinkett smith.

(whirring)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(panting)

Munsch: The police
still can't figure out

Who filled that tank
with hydrochloric acid.

(screaming)

You know what i think?

I think you did it.

I think you knew

That with her out of the way,

Kappa would be yours
for the taking.

(chuckles)
i'm flattered.

But like the final
police report says,

The manufacturer
of said spray tan

Settled with melanie
out of court.

It's good enough for me,
and the d.A.,

Who, last i heard,
considers the case closed.

This is personal for me, chanel.

You represent
everything that is wrong

With young girls nowadays,
and i'm gonna take you

And that
so-called kingdom

You call a sorority down,

And i'm gonna start
by revoking its charter.

(knocking)

Uh...
Chanel, i can take it

From here.

Gigi caldwell. Hi.

Hi, hi, hi. I'm president
of the national chapter

Of kappa kappa tau.

What is that skirt?

Uh, it's forenza.

Yeah.

So, um...
You can't revoke our charter.

I'm so sorry.

That'll be up to
the board of trustees.

(chuckles) your organization
might want to find a lawyer.

I am the lawyer.

I graduated
summa cum laude

From a fourth-tier law school

In the caribbean, so...

I'm a pretty smart cookie.
(chuckles)

Okay, you can't let her
revoke our charter.

My career depends on it.

Every year,
the head of kappa gets

A year-long internship
with good morning america

And kappa sister diane sawyer.

How else am i supposed
to become a network news anchor?

Are you done?

Okay, chanel, why don't you
head back to the house

And start getting
it ready for rush.

It's gonna be a totally
rad one this year.

We have a side boob mixer,
followed by a white party,

Where everyone is
encouraged to wear/be white.

Chanel:
In regards to

Your fatwa against me,
dean box munch,

I'm sure you are aware
that my daddy

Is the largest donor
to this university's endowment.

I would not get personal
with me, sweetheart.

I don't fight fair.

I may not be able
to revoke its charter today,

But there is no
way that kappa,

At least the way
it's constituted now,

Is surviving the year.

You know what,
i could not agree with you more.

May i make a suggestion?

Man:
I, uh, i made a playlist

For the ride.
Check it out.
Let me see.

Oh, let me guess,
"grace college drive"?

You're so literal.
I just hope it's not maudlin.

Big word, college girl.

("a thousand years"
by christina perri playing)

Dad, are you kidding?

♪ ooh... ♪
(laughs)

♪ ooh... ♪

What? I am sentimental.

You know, when i took you to
see twilight in the theater,

It was your first
pg-13 movie.

Come on.

Team...

Edward. Edward. Yes.
(laughs)
edward. Team edward.

Look, i'm-i'm totally freaking
out about all this, okay?

Y-you're all i got, gracie.
No pressure or anything.

And i know this... I know
this makes me a loser,

But, uh...

You're my best friend.

Well, it does make you a loser.

Look, dad,
i'm really gonna be fine.

I went online,
and wallace university is

One of the safest campuses
in the nation.

I-i know, okay? I'm-i'm... I'm
gonna ask you one more time.

Dad...
Please don't
join a sorority.

Dad, we already talked
about this.
Look, girls are vicious, okay?

And i know you think
sororities are some kind of,

Like, magical sisterhood,

But it's actually
game of thrones

Once you pull
back the veneer.

Dad, mom died
when i was two years old, okay?

I don't have
any of my own memories.

I've got the stories
that you tell me

And a few old photographs
that survived the fire

And this.

You know,
there's that one photo of her

In the sorority house,
and she's with her sisters,

And she just looks so happy.

Every time i've pictured her,
it's with this pin

On her formal dress
and a big smile on her face.

I just feel like

If i join kappa,

It'll be like
i'm following in her footsteps.

And how many other chances
am i gonna have

To feel close to her like that?

♪ ♪

(sighs)

Okay, so, um...

You ready?

Just like we planned.

Three-second silent hug,
and then you leave.

And-and no eye contact.

Right.
Okay.

(panting)
one.

Two.

Three.

(clears throat)

(sighs)

Ooh, somebody call csi,
because there was a murder scene

In that bathroom.

Hi. I'm zayday.
I'm your roommate.

Uh, hi. I'm-i'm grace.

And what-what's wrong
with the bathroom?

Someone puked in the sink,

And i'm pretty sure
i saw an actual ringworm

Climbing up the wall.

I'm not afraid
of anything,

But that bathroom
scared the crap out of me.

(chuckles)

I've got to get out
of this dorm room.

Was that your dad
who ran out crying before?

Yeah. I know,
it's, like, super dorky,

But we're really close.

Oh. Where's your mom?

Grace: She died
when i was really little,

So i don't really
remember her.

My mom was mostly
out the picture, too.

I was raised by my grandma,
who told me every day,

If i really, really
applied myself,

I could get out of oakland

And grow up to be the first
black woman president.

And here you are.
That's amazing.

Yeah, except
she was serious.

My grandma ain't no joke.
She like tiger woods' daddy.

Trying to make me golf
and everything.
(laughs)

Girl, i was terrified i was
gonna get some religious freak

Or a cutter for a roommate,
but you're dope.

Well, i don't think i'm gonna
be in the room for very long.

I'm rushing
kappa kappa tau.

Hey, why don't
you join with me?

Girl, i'd rather die.
Ooh, come on.

This is gonna be a year
of infinite possibilities.

I can feel it.

And if you are serious about
becoming president someday,

Becoming president of kappa
is not a bad place to start.

Actually, you make
a good point.

Women:
♪ sisters now ♪

♪ i pledge to thee ♪

♪ my one allegiance ♪

♪ to kkt... ♪

♪ with my sisters ♪

♪ i belong... ♪

Don't look so excited.
It's not diet.

Cindy mccain is pretty much

Who i want to be
when i grow up.
Me, too.

Or megyn kelly.

Hold this.
It's too heavy.

Your role models are awesome,
and you're legacies,

So you're a total lock
to get in. (chuckles)

(clinking on glass)

Sisters, potential pledges,

I have an important
announcement to make.

I am bursting
like a piece of freshen-up.

(laughs)
anyway,

Dean munsch and i
were talking about

How to bring kappa kappa tau

Into the 21st century.

Now,

What's cool these days is

A global community
free of cliques...

Let's cut to the chase.

This year,
kappa will be required

To accept anyone

Who wishes to
become a pledge.

(gasping, murmuring)

Things just got
interesting.

(stammering):
I'm in? I'm in?

Yeah, you in, girl.
You in.

Munsch:
If you're enrolled

At this university, you are free

To become a pledge
at kappa kappa tau.

The doors are open

To the public.

(murmuring)

Don't!

(panting)

You can't do this!

(chuckles)

(door opens)

You didn't knock!

You know what
that means.

Rules are rules.

Thank you. Now, what is it?

You have to come downstairs.

Now.

Chanel:
This is a total nightmare.
(grunts)

If this is our pledge class,
i'm killing myself.

And then munsch.

Look at them.
They're the dregs of society.

I can't believe this.

Each one of these gashes
is worse than the next.

I spent the last two weeks

Learning the whole history
of kappa kappa tau.

It was founded in 1837 at miami
university in oxford, ohio.

Chanel:
Neckbrace.

Real name: Hester ulrich,
history major.

She smells like hot dog water,
and probably sprained her neck

Giving blumpkins down at
the local bowling alley.

I love taylor swift.

I know the lyrics
to every one of her songs,

And i don't let the fact
that i'm deaf stop me

From singing them
at the top of my lungs

Whenever i get the chance.

Chanel:
Deaf taylor swift.

Real name: Tiffany something.

And like all deaf people,
she has horrible halitosis.

Look, i'm not saying that
all heterosexual sex is rape.

I'm saying all heterosexual sex
is gross,

And that deep down,
every woman knows this.

Chanel:
Predatory lez.

Real name:
Mac or butch or something.

Two days ago, i caught her
staring at my ass on the quad.

All that girl's after is
a whole lot of bikini burger.

I feel you.

Hey, girl, can i just ask you,
what's up with your outfit?

My therapist says
i had a traumatic experience

That kept part of my psyche
forever trapped in the '90s.

But i'm, like,
uh, i'll take it.

Chanel:
And then there's those two.

God knows what they're
talking about, basic bitches.

(door bell rings)
what fresh hell is this?

Chanel, i'd like
to introduce you to jennifer.

I'm sorry,
kappa doesn't participate

In the make-a-wish foundation.

Oh, but you do now.

Jennifer here is a sophomore.

I found her sitting
alone in the library

Without a friend in the world,

Which leads me
to you, chanel.

Jennifer here is
your new pledge.

Jennifer, why don't you
tell chanel

A little bit
about your interests?

I'm a candle vlogger.

What the hell is that?

You guys, i love this one.

I got it at bath & body works,
half off.

I call it
the nancy meyers experience,

Because when you burn it,

It smells like creamy couches
and menopause.

You know,
like a nancy meyers movie.

(echoing):
Four stars.

(sniffing)

(screaming)

(groans)

Look, i don't know
what to tell you, chanel.

If kappa's suddenly filled
with weirdos and fatties,

There is literally no way
you can be popular.

And i need you to stay popular,

'cause if you want
to stay at the top

Of the list of the pieces of ass
i'm getting, there's criteria.

And the criteria is
you got to be popular.

But, chad...

Chad.
Okay, i'm gonna
stop you right there,

Because i'm getting
really pissed off.

Chad is an amazing person.

Chad radwell is

The president of the
dickie dollar scholars,

And he's super hot, and
he doesn't have time for this.

Are-are you
fake crying?

Stop fake crying.

When you fake cry,
you are so not hot. Ugh.

I just think
you are amazing, chad.

Anyone you dated
would be popular.

I mean, they would be popular

Because they're dating you.

Okay. Boone.

Thank you.

Look, chanel, i'm
a psychology major,

So i'm gonna break this down

Into terms
that you'll understand.

My ego-- it's super strong.

Okay, but it's not strong enough

That i can just go around
dating garbage people.

Like, yes, i could
find a random girl

Who wasn't popular, and, yes,

If i started dating her,
she would then become popular.

Dude, that is great idea
for a movie.

Somebody should make that movie.
I would see that movie.

Me, too. You know who
should direct that movie?

Michael bay, the greatest
director of all time.

But i can't go
date a girl

Who was popular and then
she just stopped being popular.

Because that would be crazy.

It's crazy, and nobody's
gonna go see that movie.

Do you know why nobody's gonna
go see that movie?

I...

'cause it never got made.

But you said you loved me.

I do sort of love you.

I just... I would love you
a lot more

If other people loved you, too.

(sighs)
listen,

I can't date a garbage person,
chanel.

I won't. I'm not gonna
do that to myself.

Uh, i need you to leave.

Okay, i need you to leave
because you're bumming me out,

And you're bumming boone out.

(chanel scoffs)

And we're just trying
to have a nice day

Hitting golf balls at hippies.

Cross swords, bro.

Good-bye.

Man (in distance):
You guys, support human rights.

Amnesty international.

(grunts)

Oh, hi, ms. Bean.
What are you doing?

(groans):
Oh. Oh.

You told me to
scrub all the floors

In the house with
a barbie toothbrush.

Ms. Bean, this sorority is
for pretty girls only.

Pretty girls, like you and me.

Now, i have a plan
to keep it that way,

And you're a part
of that plan.

Chanel: If dean munsch
gets her way,

Kappa's gonna be filled
with fatties and ethnics.

The fatties will bring
their big old appetites,

And you know what those
ethnics will bring with them?

Weird spices from
their home countries.

That is a nuclear combination,
ms. Bean.

The weird ethnic spices
will send the fatties

Racing to the bathroom
to blow liquid fire

Out of their huge,
swollen bowels.

Think of the splash back.

Think of the undersides
of all of the toilets

That you're gonna have
to sanitize, ms. Bean.

I don't want that.

I don't want
that for you.

Here you go.

Uh, welcome to the grind.
What can i get started for you?

You don't want
anything, do you?
(muttering)

I'll have a trenta, no-foam,
five-shot half-caf, no foam,

Pumpkin spice latte with
no foam at 210 degrees.

First of all,
that's really hot.

That's two degrees
below boiling.

I'm sorry,
did i enter a wormhole

To a universe
where this coffeehouse

Does not possess
the technology to heat

My favorite autumnal
tradition to 210 degrees?

I like my pumpkin spice
lattes extra hot,

So please comply
with my request.

But extra hot
is 170 degrees.

I'm sorry,
does your job description

Entail arguing with
your customers, thereby

Delaying the moment at which
they receive the irresistible,

Nutmeggy sweetness of
the extra hot, no foam,

Pumpkin spice latte they've been
thinking about all day?

I mean, god!

Ma'am, what would you like?

She doesn't want anything!
She wants you

To start making my
extra hot, no foam,

Pumpkin spice latte!

(scoffs)
so, anyway, since we can't

Turn the castoff
pledges away,

We're gonna have to
scare them off.

That's why i'm gonna
burn your face off.
What?

(sighs) not for real,
silly, it'll be pretend.

So here's the skinny.
We're gonna get

In a fight, and i'm
gonna dunk your head

In the deep fryer.
What? No!

The oil won't be hot. We'll
turn off the machine, idiot.

Oh.
You'll just pretend and
come up all screaming,

And i guarantee all those
newbies will run screaming

Into the night and go pledge
some other sorority.

Sound like a plan?

Right, one 210-degree,
trenta, five-shot,

No foam, pumpkin spice,

Half-caf, no foam latte
for chanel.

Thank you, coffee donkey.

Ugh! You burned the milk!

Learn to make a
pumpkin spice latte,

You psychopath.

Next time, i get you fired,
or worse.

Other barista!

(sighs)

Welcome to the grind.
How may i help you?

Pumpkin spice latte, please.
I want it freezing though.

(laughs)

Actually, i just want
a regular coffee.

Those white girl
pumpkin spice lattes annoy me.

I'm in love.
(laughs)

Name?

Señorita awesome.

You got it,

Señorita awesome.

Look, uh, sorry about that girl
who went all latte-psycho on me.

Her name's chanel; she's
president of the kappa house.

And she thinks that means her
poop smells like ginger beer.

I know her.

I-i mean, i just met her.
I'm pledging kappa.

You don't seem the type.

Well, clearly, you haven't
discovered the many layers

Of señorita awesome.

Señorita awesome,
wait up.

Oh, it's grace,
actually.

Grace, pete.

Look, you can't
join kappa house.

I don't just work as a barista,
i'm also the editor

Of the school paper,
the sentinel.

I like to think
of myself, uh,

As an investigative
reporter.

Anyway, i think at their cores,
all these sororities are evil,

But that house
is truly dangerous.

Excuse me, but i think you're
getting a little too close

To my new pledge,
mr. Convicted sex offender.

Ms. Bean,

Go organize the trash.

I'm sorry, wh-what is
she talking about?

Gay jimmy olsen
over here got a little

Obsessed with me last year.

I still have the 15,000
text messages he sent me.

I had to get
a restraining order.

I was a freshman and
i had a crush, okay?

I tend to get a bit
passionate about things.

Look, you intentionally
led me on.

You kept acting like
you liked me just so you could

Humiliate me.
What was i supposed to do?

True tori was over,
i was bored.

Ms. Bean,
let's hit it!

(shouting): Ms. Bean,
i said let's hit it!

Grace, please don't do this.

I'll be fine.

It was nice to meet you, pete.

Let's do this.

♪ ♪

(knocking)

Enter, ye who dare.

We have some bad news.

We found something.

Number two came up
to ask ms. Bean

If she had a
bigger punch bowl,

And she noticed
her bedroom door was open.

I love a creepy collage.

Okay, so you all want to be
kappas, is that right?

Well, you're about to learn
what being a kappa is all about.

It's about kicking
the living crap out of someone

When they disrespect you.
Follow me!

Hey, white mammy,

You're about to get
your ass handed to you.

I was just in your room,
where i noticed you have

A sizeable shrine
with evil burning candles,

Photos of me with my
face scratched out

And pairs of my stolen panties.

Care to explain,
chubby old nazi?

Chanel, i don't know
what you're talking about.

Now i know why all your
food tastes like it's got

A little bit of pee in it.

You know, ladies,
ms. Bean and i

Had arranged a little prank

Where i was gonna
dip her fat face

In some cold fry oil
to scare all you bitches.

Well, i propose
a change of plans.

What do you
think, ms. Bean?

How about i just
drown you in it?

(gasps)

(all screaming)

Oh, my god,
who turned the fryer on?!

(hissing)

(all screaming)

She's dead.

Well, of course she's dead!
You just burned her face off!

Shut up. You don't die from
getting your face burned off.

Yes, you do!

She probably had a heart attack.

Oh, my god.

Where are you going?

To get the campus police.

There's a dead woman
in your kitchen.

Oh! Ms. Bean
was a servant;

She knew the risks.

I'm going to the authorities.

Fine, go.

I'll be sure
to tell the police all about

How you shoved ms. Bean
in that fryolator.

What? You did that.

That's not how i saw it.
And my witnesses agree.

Pledges, show of hands.

Who will back up my
story if i promise

That by the end of the year,
i'll get you all boyfriends--

Cool boyfriends?

And i'll take you
all on my dad's jet

To cancun for
spring break.

All of y'all ratchet.

You're an awful person.

Maybe. But i'm rich
and i'm pretty,

So it doesn't really matter.

(grunting)

Chanel: Sisters and pledges
of kappa kappa tau,

You now all share something
so very precious to me.

A felony?

A secret.

And secrets are the glue

That binds
sorority sisters together.

We will remember this night
for the rest of our lives.

And until the day we die,

We will know that we few
are the only people

Who know what happened
in that kitchen.

Because if any of you
ever tell,

I will make sure you end up
laying right next to ms. Bean

In this freezer.

Who wants cocktails?

Women:
Yay!

How did my life turn into this?

I marched for
the equal rights amendment,

I burned my bra
in the middle of this campus,

And then left school
to intern for gloria steinem

At ms. Magazine.

This generation...
(scoffs)

It couldn't give a rat's
ass about any of it.

Nothing's changed.

Have you seen the way girls
dress on this campus?

These sorority bitches

Strutting around in basically
just their underwear,

Screaming bloody murder
about being objectified,

As if they haven't objectified
themselves already.

And all that marching.

All the protests.

What did i get out of it?

I'm sitting in the same office
i used to throw bricks into.

I'm making less than
the 26-year-old

Assistant football coach
who bangs the same brand

Of perky 19-year-olds my husband
left me for two years ago.

You're awful in bed.
Are you aware?

I mean, just... The worst.

What? What...
Did i not take you there?

Look what i've stooped to.

Getting sex by blackmailing
students on academic probation.

Look, i need to say something.

(sighs) i'm in love with you.

Of course you are.

Because that's the only way
this situation

Could get more depressing.
Please leave.

I will, but i'm gonna
take a pair of your panties.

I'm gonna barf on your face
unless you get out of here.

And-and go take
a psychology course.

Try to figure out who gave you
such disgusting mommy issues.

It was, you know,
probably my mom.

Okay. Um, i'm gonna call you.

As i can't destroy
every phone on earth,

That'll remain
a possibility.

(sighs)

What?

Done worse.

I have to tell
you something.

You loaded a dead body
into a freezer.

Based on the strain on your
faces as you carried her out,

My money's on ms. Bean.
Um, wh-what?

You loaded
a dead body...
Shh!

Um...

You-you were spying on us?

I'm an investigative reporter.

And that house
is the story of a lifetime.

I agree. That's why
i asked to meet you.

What are you proposing?

I want to help you
with your exposé,

Secretly feed you info.

You need eyes on the inside.

You do have really pretty eyes.

Focus on the case.
Look, i think chanel

Accidentally killed her,
but now i'm not so sure.

Wait, so when you thought
she murdered her,

You helped her hide the body?
Look, it's more
complicated than that.

I joined that sorority
to feel close to my mom.

You know? I've heard the way
my dad talks about her--

Kind, a fighter, big heart.

No way she belonged to kappa
the way it is now.

Chanel and her type
have destroyed it,

Mutated it into the
monster it is today.

But it can be
the way it was.

I can change it back,
but i need to get chanel

And her minions out
of there to do it.

I need to expose chanel
for who she really is.

And i want to use
your story as

My weapon of
reputation destruction.

I just want to
honor my mom.

Deal.

Mm. One last thing.

What do we do now?

Examine the body.

(chuckles softly)

(clears throat)

(hinges creak)

We hid her in there.

(door opening)
chad: You shoved ms. Bean's face

In a vat of hot oil?
Chanel:
Yes.

The fryer wasn't
supposed to be on.

I don't know what to do
with the body.

Oh, chanel. That is so hot!

What?

Chad:
Hold up.

Are you saying dead bodies
don't turn you on?

Yes, that's exactly
what i'm saying.

You are so lame,
you know that?

God, i love all
that death stuff.

I got my first boner watching
faces of death.

Show me the body.

Seriously?
Why did you bring
me here, chanel?

Show me the
dead body.

Hmm.

What the hell?
Is this some kind of joke?

Oh, my god, she's alive.

Ms. Bean's alive.

Yeah, or somebody
stole the body.

Now i'm cold,
i got blue balls.

The worst date ever.

Chanel: Kappa sisters,
someone is screwing with us.

This blood oath will ensure
solidarity among us.

We are all related now.

Let's all touch bloody fingers
as i read this oath.

"hail, odin, wise warrior,
one-eyed wanderer,

Tell the scenes
your missing eyes see."

Chanel #5:
Wait, odin who?

Where did you find that?

I don't know, the internet.

I just googled "blood oath"
and this is what came up.

(clears throat)

"norse father,

You who chooses the slain
on this winter solstice..."

What? "solstice"?
Is that wiccan?

What does this
oath even mean?

I don't know, number three.

I didn't spend a lot of time
on the internet

Looking through
different blood oaths.

I just need you all
to not say anything

About what happened,
and i figured a blood oath

Was cheaper than
buying you all presents.

Look, we're all
just freaking out, okay?

Let's just
rub our fingers together

And promise to keep quiet.

Fine.

Wait, what about stds?

What if one of
us has, like,

Genital warts or...
Chlamydia or something?

Idiot, you don't get stds
from blood oaths.

You get stds
from dirty toilet seats

And drinking the water
in mexico.

(sighs) um, "std" stands for
"sexually transmitted disease,"

Which means
that it's transmitted sexually.

Does it look like the four of us
are about to have sex

Right now,
number five, huh?!

I have hpv.

What?

Yeah. I got it last summer.

It's not a big deal.

A lot of girls have it.
I just think

I should sit out
the whole blood oath thing.

How did you get hpv?

When were you
in mexico?

I can't do this.

Oh, god, fine. You know what,
forget the blood oath.

Every time i try
to plan something,

You dumb bitches ruin it.

I can't stay silent!

Somebody murdered ms. Bean,
and someone's gonna find out,

And i want to be
a network newscaster.

I'm calling my mom,
and i'm going home.

(door slams)

(phone chimes)

(doorknob rattling)

(gasps)

(rattling continues)

(sighs)

(gasps)

(door creaks closed)

(phone chimes)

(gasps)

(phone giggles)

(gasps)

(phone chimes)

(gasps)

(phone giggles)

(gasps, screams)

(gasps)

(panting)

(phone giggles)

(grunting)

(typing)

(sniffling)

(gasping)

♪ ♪

(gasps)

(exhales)

♪ ♪

(screaming in distance)

(gasps)

Okay, okay,
let's just all calm down.

Clearly ms. Bean did this.

That seems like an
insane conclusion

To just jump to.
She's back from the dead,

And she's getting revenge
by killing us one at a time.

(exhales)

Wait a minute.

This is great. This is amazing.

How is this amazing?

If ms. Bean is still alive,
that proves i didn't kill her.

Now i won't be prosecuted
for murder

And i can stay popular
and on my proper career track,

And chad radwell
won't break up with me.

Okay, well, then
there's no reason

We shouldn't
call the police.

Are you kidding me,
number three?

What are we gonna tell them,

That we burned
ms. Bean's face off,

Thought she was dead,

Hid the body, then it came back
to life and stabbed

Chanel #2 while we were
all in the house?

They're never
gonna believe that.

That's an insane story.

That is insane.

Until we can prove
what happened,

We need to keep the body here.

We can't just leave her
here; she was our friend.

Meh.

(doorbell rings)

Ladies, that's the door.

Hell week begins now.

Good evening, idiot hookers.

I'm very happy to welcome you to
hell week here at kappa house.

Could you speak
up, please?

I'm having trouble

Hearing you.

I said, "welcome to hell week!"

When you stupid dugongs

First waltzed
through that door,

I could tell you thought
you were gonna have it easy.

Well, let me relieve you
of that misconception,

Because you're
about to get hazed

Harder than
a suburban banquet hall

During bat
mitzvah season.

I am not gonna let you haze
any of these girls.

And i will litigate.

Grace: There's going to be
a new kappa house

On this campus,
and it starts with us.
Hmm.

It's going to be a sorority
about empowerment,

Sisterhood and respect.

That sounds terrible.

Chanel:
Okay, pissy spacek,

You and i have a few differences
we need to iron out.

What do you say
to a little coffee klatch?

We can talk it over.

Number five, you're in charge.

You got it, girl.

(whispers):
Thank you.

I got you
a pumpkin spice latte.

They're so my jam,
even though they make me obese.

We're not here
to make nice.

You want to talk,
let's talk.

Fine. I can't stand you.

But you also remind me
of a young me.

So here's my compromise.

I want you to be
one of my minions.

Grace, i want you
to be chanel #6.

Wow. Uh, quite an honor.

It is.

It's the gateway
to the top of the heap.

No.

Look at where being kappa
queen has gotten you.

You put on a good front,
but you're miserable.

Don't you think any of that has
anything to do with the fact

That you've created an
atmosphere based solely

On negativity and raw ambition?

You say that
like those are bad things.

(sighs)

Uh, wait.

Okay, you're the only person
at this school

Who is almost as smart as me.

Can we talk for real
for a second, please?

I mean, you're so confident

Without being mean.

What antidepressants are you on?

(sighs)

Chanel,

Why are you so awful
to everyone?

My boyfriend
compulsively cheats on me.

All of my friends work for me.

My parents didn't even call me
on my birthday

Because they were too busy

Hosting a fundraiser
for jeb bush.

Don't you see that all
that's happened isn't a crisis?

It's an opportunity,

For you and for kappa
to really change.

Think about how
great it would be

To have a real sisterhood,

One that will always
remember your birthday.

Yeah, no, i tried.
See, i really tried.

But all of this flowery,
peace-on-earth crap,

It makes me want to puke.

You're pathetic.

(scoffs)

Yeah, walk away now!

You haven't even seen
half of what i'm capable of!

Once you're on my fatwa list,
i show no mercy!

(door closes)

Totally spit in your coffee,
bitch.

(sighs)

The sexy gopher
whore head challenge

Is one of kappa house's
oldest hazing traditions.

You gals are gonna
stay here overnight,

Getting to know each other

And trying to keep the ants
from crawling up your noses,

While the chanels and i

Go get banana daiquiris
at the white stallion.

Good night, ladies.

(gate creaks closed)

Guys, i can't move at all.

I think that's the point!

Jennifer: I don't mean
to be a contrarian,

But i'm enjoying this.
Tiffany: You guys,

What do you think taylor swift
is doing right now?

(sighs)

(crickets chirping)

(owl hooting in distance)

(soft rattling)

What time is it? It's got to be,
like, 4:00 in the morning.

(gate rattles)
did y'all hear that?

Did y'all hear that?!

What are you guys
talking about?

(motor starts)

(whirring)

Is that killer noises
or am i hallucinating?

Chanel, is that you?

Tiffany: I'm gonna ask
one more time,

Will you speak up?

(lawnmower whirring)

Is that a lawnmower?

What's happening?!

(screams)

Help me!

Help me!
Help me!

Help me!

Are you screaming?
Help me!

Or are you singing?
Help me!

Help! This a nice neighborhood!

(women screaming)

Are you singing taylor swift?

♪ 'cause the
players gonna ♪

♪ play, play, play, play, play ♪

♪ and the haters gonna ♪

♪ hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate... ♪

(screaming continues)

♪ shake, shake, shake,
shake, shake ♪

♪ shake it off... ♪

Holy crap!

(screaming continues)

(screaming continues)

(rhythmic clinking)

Munsch: There was a time
when a college dean

Had real power.

♪ ♪

(bleats)

The university
was a kingdom unto itself,

Like a church
in the middle ages.

Crazed killer.

Serial killer.

Cathy:
If a student got murdered,

The dean had the juice
to keep the press quiet

And the cops
from making a scene.

Dean munsch,
tell us about the murder.

What can you tell us
about the murder?

We can confirm
that an incident occurred

That may have injured
one of our students.

We need some information.
(reporters clamoring)

But i can tell you
that the campus is open

And classes are resuming
and frogurt is back,

After popular demand,
in the dining hall.

But in the age of twitter,
students were instagramming

Pictures of the crime scene
and posting

Narcissistic facebook posts
about where they were

When it happened
before the police even arrived.

I've got news for you,
self-involved junior,

Just because you know a guy
who was in class

With a dead girl's roommate

Does not mean
that it could have been you.

Reporter: Dean munsch...
(reporters clamoring)

Munsch:
There's an exodus right now.

Kids don't feel safe,

Parents don't
want to take a chance,

And the press is calling me
dean of murder u.

(clamoring stops)
munsch: Well...

Not on my watch.

Girls, this is
detective chisolm.

He's here investigating
the beheading

That happened in your garden
last night.

Where is ms. Bean and chanel #2?

It is pretty suspicious
they're not here.

Well, as far as i'm concerned,
all of you are suspects.

It was only a matter of time
before things got out of hand

At the sorority
and someone got killed.

We don't want any of
you leaving campus

Until we get to
talk to all of you,

Get a better sense
of what happened.

Y-you can't keep us
prisoner here.

No, he can't.

But none of you
are excused to leave.

So, if you do,
you will be graded

On every missed test
and class assignment.

And this investigation
could take weeks,

Which means it's most likely

That you will
fail out of college.

Wh... Gigi, you can't
let her do this.

If someone is targeting you,

They're gonna find you
wherever you are.

You know?
And at least if you're here,

You can keep an eye
out on each other.

We can make it fun, huh?

Like a friends episode.

But someone's, you know...

Trying to murder
all the friends.

Munsch:
Good.

Then it's decided.

Detective, there's a sushi bar

That i love...

You guys, gigi is right.

We have to move into the house.
It's the only way

We can look after one another.

That's insane, okay?

Pledges cannot
move into the house.

The risks are real,
but we need to close ranks.

If any of you die
while protecting a sister,

You're allowed to skip
the rest of hell week.

And i'm gonna hire security.

I don't feel comfortable
with a man protecting me.

It's representative
of the patriarchal,

Post-colonial culture
that encourages violence

Against women.

Gigi:
Always...

Saying what everyone
is thinking.

Ladies...

I got this, okay?

I got it.

We've got to get rid of the body

Before the new security guard
finds it.

Ideas. Go.

We buy a pig
and feed it the body.

Pigs will eat anything.

Oh, yeah, number five,
let's just mosey on down

To the hog district
and bring home a 400-pound sow.

That's not conspicuous at all.

My uncle owns a dairy farm
in wisconsin,

And they have
these poop lagoons.

They're, like,
ten feet deep,

And in winter, they freeze over.

And my uncle told me
and my sister, like,

"don't go skating
on those poop lagoons,

"because if you fall in,
you'll drown in the poop

And come springtime, there'll be
nothing left of your body."

Do you and your sister
have some form

Of intellectual disability?

Because if i encountered
a lake of frozen poo,

Literally the last question
i would ask is:

Can we ice-skate on this?

Hester:
I know what you should do.

This isn't what
it looks like.

She's asleep.
Chanel #2 is asleep.

Don't worry,
we're sisters.

(whispers):
I won't tell anyone.

When i was six years old,
my father died,

And my mother made me
kiss the body at his funeral.

Ever since then,

I've been obsessed with death.

Here's what you should do.

Pulverize her teeth,

Burn off her fingerprints
and disfigure her face.

Once her body is
unrecognizable,

We can create an incision
on her inner thigh

And drain out
all of her bodily fluids.

That'll give us more time
to deconstruct the body.

Ew! What?!

Because truly grinding down
a body takes a lot of work.

You need a really good

Food processor,

And you run the risk
of fouling the plumbing,

Which is why you should
only do it if you know

How to clear out meat and bones
from a drain pipe.

Each of these plans has
its drawbacks, but don't worry.

I'm willing to help
in any way possible.

You're obviously a psychopath
and those ideas are insane!

So, no, we won't be
putting her in

A food processor or boning her
like an enormous chicken.

We're gonna put her
in the meat locker

For now and revisit the question

When i'm not
totally grossed out by you

And feeling like
i'm going to barf.
Okay.

Grab the duvet and wrap her up.

(all grunt)

Hester:
We should touch her.

If we touch her,
she won't haunt our dreams.

Wait, why would she
haunt our dreams?

And if her eyes are open,

She'll take one
of us with her.

Take with her? What the hell
are you talking about?!

Why are you trying
to terrify us?

Can i call you mom?

What?
Please?

I feel so loved and protected
by all of you.

Wait, you want to call
all of us mom? That's insane.

And super confusing.

Actually, it's a new
pop culture trend

Where young women desperately
in need of role models

Call other girls
they look up to mom.

Lorde's fans
call her mom.

I thought
you'd be cool with it.

I mean, i did just give you

Several ways
to dispose of a body.

Fine, okay, you can
call all of us mom.

Let's just lock the body
in here and forget

Any of this ever happened.
Wait, mom.

We shouldn't lock her in here.
If we do,

Her soul will be able to escape,
and then it'll follow us around.

Okay, fine.
Just stop talking.

You are
so friggin' creepy!

Ladies, this is
officer hempville.

Officer, we are
so happy...

Excuse me.

Where did you find her?

Well, i knew we needed

A top-notch
security company,

So i let my fingers
do the walkin'.

I checked the
yellow pages.

What's that?

Officer, we're terrified.

Okay? Someone just
mowed off a deaf girl's head

In our backyard.

Well, ladies, you have
nothing to be afraid of

So long as i'm around.

Though-though technically,
i'm not a police officer.

I mean, as you can see, i'm not
licensed to carry a sidearm.

I am employed by
secure enforcement solutions,

Which is a private contractor

Hired to work in tandem
with campus security.

Wait, so you don't have a gun?

No, i do not.

But i do have...

A nightstick, okay?

I have pepper spray.

And i have a walkie talkie
that i can use

To call the police,
who do have guns.

What good are you?

We can call the police
ourselves.

Well, with denise hempville
on the scene,

You're not gonna have to.

Now, i-if there is a killer
on this campus,

Denise hempville's
gonna make damn sure

That everybody in kappa house
is safe and sound

Until that killer
is brought to justice.

How?

I'm glad you asked.

With the secure enforcement
solution three-step program.

Right? Step one.

If you are in danger,

Scream denise hempville's name
real loud.

I will be on the premises

At all times,
and i will come a-runnin'.

Now, let's just say

You screamed
denise hempville's name

And i do not come a-runnin'.

That means i'm not
on the premises.

Okay? In that case,
proceed to step two.

Call 1-866-klj-0199.

Okay? I will be
notified immediately

And come a-runnin'.

Wait, sorry, what...
Yeah. Hold on.

Now, if-if you can't
get through to the 866 number

Because of long wait times
and such,

Then what you're gonna want
to do is proceed to step three.

Get the hell out of there.
Run away, real fast.

Are you serious?

Yeah, run away,
get out of there, scram! Okay?

And when you
get to a place

That is deemed by you
to be safe,

Call 1-866-klj-0199.

All right?

Now, i would
give you my number,

But my cell phone
is off right now.

But if you call the 866 number--

Boom, on the walkie.

They can always get me.

We need to go over
the steps again?

(clears throat)

Zayday, must i remind you

That this is
hell week,

Which is the time to prove
you're worthy

Of being in this house.

There's not enough soap
in your bucket.

Can't get the floor clean
without suds.

If you want the place clean,
maybe you shouldn't

Have burned the
maid's face off.

You have no proof of that.

I will go get more soap.

You should probably
bring a flashlight.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(grunting)

(gasps)

(sighs)

What the hell, plebe?!
Oh, god.

Only the president has the key,
and only she can get inside.

Don't you wonder
what's in there?

Get upstairs.

I mean, a secret hidden door

That only one person
has the key to?

Pete:
People have been whispering

About that house for years,
that it's haunted,

That something really bad
happened. I mean, there's no way

There isn't some real-life story
behind it, right?

And if something
did happen there,

There'd be records in the
dean's office, right? Old files.

Both:
I'm gonna have to break in.

♪ ♪

Whoa.

(chuckles)
what? What-what was that?
Uh... Uh...

I don't know. Um...

But-but we probably...

We can't do
that again

Until we've figured out
what's happening, because, um...

Be-because people are dying.

I see your point.
Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh. I mean, i don't think
anyone's gonna get killed

In the 30 minutes
we make out, right?

Can you stop talking?

You're kind of ruining
whatever was good about it.

Right. Thanks.

Uh... Okay, look,
you go back to kappa house.

I sneak into
the dean's office, okay?

And then we will meet here
with whatever info we gather

From illegally breaking into
private and school property.

Yes. It's a plan.

Oh, and, grace? Just...

Be careful, okay?

'cause, uh, i'd really like
to kiss you again.

(chuckles)

Mr. Gardner. Can i
call you weston?

Call me wes.
Is this scotch?

It's 10:00 a.M.

Uh...

(sighs)

Please try to understand
the situation i'm in.

This is a national university.

We have thousands of staff,
tens of thousands of students.

And a shutdown of a single week

Would tank the entire
local economy,

And i'd be out of a job.

I don't give a rat's ass
about your job.

Have you even talked to
your daughter about this?

You know i met with grace.

She is a... A
wonderful young lady.

And it appears to me

That she would rather
stay with her sisters.

Well, um... Honestly,
i don't care what grace wants.

It's my job
to keep her safe.

And the best way to do
that is to keep her here,

At school, where she is under
round-the-clock protection.

Look.

Let's just say--
worst case scenario--

There is a crazed

Serial killer on the lose,
a-a... A cannibal

Who skins his victims and cooks
them and sells them as food.

Wh... What?

And let's just say

That that cannibal is targeting
only kappa house.

Would you say,
in that case,

That your daughter
is safer here, on campus,

Walking to classes
with a big group of friends,

And then coming home
to a house

Under constant protection
from armed guards,

Or is she safer
living off-campus,

Isolated, alone,

With no one but you
to watch out for her?

(sighs)

Mr. Gardner, i know
you're scared,

And i want to assure you that
you have nothing to worry about.

Uh, there is no serial
killer on the loose.

And if there were, your
daughter would not be a target.

I can guarantee that.

I understand you're a widower.

That's right.
(sighs)

I'm so sorry.

And i want you.

What?

To understand that i'm here

For both your
daughter and you.

And i'd be happy
to help you with...

Anything you might need.

I don't know if you know
this, but i'm a professor.

I want you to give me a job on
campus so i can be near grace.

I will do

Anything to make sure
she's safe.

You know, i find good parenting
incredibly attractive.

(door creaks)

(metallic clink)

(gasps)
oh.

♪ ♪

"kappa kappa tau...

Party mix"?

"waterfalls"? What?

(door opens)
oh.

Oh. (gasps)

Oh, my god.
You scared me.

You're a snoopy little bugger.

And i don't like
snoopy little buggers.

What is all this stuff?

This is where kappa keeps
its darkest secrets.

And now that you've seen them,
i have to kill you.

Would you please?
I'm kidding.

Whose bloody
clothes are those?

(sighs)

Allegedly, like,
20 or so years ago,

A girl died in this tub.

It wasn't down here then.

It was up
in one of the bathrooms.

She had a baby during a party,

And the sisters
let her bleed out

Because they were having
so much fun.

That is awful.

I don't know.

Supposedly,
it was a super fun party.

Anyway,

Her dying isn't even
the best part.

The best part is how
they supposedly covered it up.

Woman: What's wrong with her?
She looks awful.

She's dead.

Okay? What the hell
are we gonna do?

Maybe we can drop
the baby off

In front of the emergency room,
and then run away,

And then we can just act like

What's-her-name died
of natural causes.

You idiot, they can do tests
for childbirth and stuff.

We're all gonna pay for this.

Well, somebody certainly is.

How the hell did you
find out about this?

(sighs)

Nothing happens in this house
without me knowing about it.

Dean munsch covered all this up?

I think it's all crap.

Just a myth.

You don't believe that.

You think it's real.

How do you know
that this isn't somehow related

To what's happening now?

Let's face it.

You don't have to go back
20 years to find someone

The sisters here pissed off
enough to go homicidal on us.

Wait. Um, you don't just

Expect me to let
this go, do you?

Actually, i do.

(door opens)

What happened to the baby?

Chad:
Mm-hmm. You like that?

Chanel:
Yeah, it feels so good.

Chad: That's it.
Sometimes i picture myself

Like derek jeter, you know?

Yeah, jetes. I'm
gonna switch it up.
Mmm.

I'm gonna
choke you out.
Chad!

There's a serial killer
on the loose.

Please don't say
you want to choke me.

Okay.

Geez. Sorry.

Uptight.

(both moaning)

Chad:
You like that?

I'd love having sex
with your corpse.
What?!

What did you just say?

You just talked about
a serial killer.

You made me picture it.
Okay, you know what?

I'm sorry. This isn't
working for me.

You know what i could
really use right now?

A boyfriend!

Well, i sort of am
your boyfriend,

And i'm protecting you
by having sex with you.

No! I don't need
a man to protect me.

How could i have
wasted this much time?

Is my self-esteem
really that low?

I'm sorry. I think
we need to take a break.

What does that mean?
It means exactly what
you think it means.

I need you to leave right now!

I'm sorry. Are you breaking up
with me, chad radwell?

You're breaking up
with chad radwell?

(sighs)

You're gonna be sorry.

Nobody breaks up
with chad radwell.

(groans)

(sighs)

What's going on?

You are not gonna
believe this.

Chanel broke up with me.

(scoffs)
what a bitch.

She doesn't realize
how good she had it.
So stupid.

(sniffles)

Look, don't worry,
bro. Don't worry.

She's gonna come crawling
back to you in no time.

Good night, boone.

(groans)

Hey, chad?

Yeah?

(sighs)

I'm really scared.

You know, with the serial killer
on the loose.

Just having trouble sleeping.

You know what would really
help me feel-feel better?

If-if... I could just, like,
crawl in bed with you?

Hey, boone.
(sighs)

Do you remember that time there
was that big thunderstorm, and

You were really scared, and you
asked to crawl into bed with me,

And i was a little weirded out,
but you're my little bro,

So i said okay, and then...
You tried to touch my wiener?

Yeah.

One of the least fun things
in life is when your gay bro--

He's gay, and he
knows you're not gay,

And he tries to touch
your wiener anyway.

Yeah, chad, i know.

All right, i said i was sorry.

A one-time thing.

I'm just...

Just really scared.

You know, it would really
help me feel better

If i could just crawl into bed
with you for a few minutes.

Are you gonna touch my wiener,
or you gonna leave

My wiener alone?
I'll leave your wiener alone.

Bffs. Get over here.

Where are your hands?

On the frog.

(toy frog croaks)

Yeah.
Good night, boone.

Night, chad.

Get away.
Come on.

Chad?

Chaddy?

You must be so upset. I...

Chaddy, i'm here.

I think we should talk.

Perhaps i was
a bit too rash or...

Oh! Oh.

This is not what
it looks like.

He has a huge boner!

(sighs)
boone.

Chanel. Okay.

I can't believe this.

You're gay?
Uh, no.

Boone was scared,
so i let him crawl

Into bad with me,
'cause he's my bro.

He's your gay bro
who has a big boner for you.

Why don't you go in there
and ogle his big old broner?

Okay, uh, first of all,

I'm not gonna go ogle
his big old broner,

Because i'm not gay,

Chanel, and you better not
tell anybody boone's gay--

Even though he is-- because golf
frats aren't big on gay dudes,

And because we like
hitting golf balls

With the gay-straight
alliance kids,

And i would like to
keep doing that.

And second,
look, i'm sorry

Everybody wants
to have sex with me.

Okay? I can't help that.

News flash, chanel:

I'm hot.

Everybody wants
to get with this.

Women, men,
animals in the zoo,

Plants, probably.

And if you can't
handle that,

Then you're just
gonna have to go.

You're gonna have to go
right now,

'cause i am breaking up
with you.

Excuse me.

I broke up with you!

Oh, really?
What are you doing here, chanel?

(sighs)

I regretted what i said,

And i just wanted to come here
and tell you that i am

So sorry.

Well, i accept your apology.

And now i'm breaking up
with you.

What?!
Do you know why i'm breaking up
with you?

Because you are a spoiled,
homophobic little girl

Who can't handle the fact
that everybody on campus

Just wants to get with me.

You can't deal
with how hot i am.

So you need
to get out,

Because we are over.
I'm breaking up with you.

No.

Sorry, i just broke up with you.

Bye.

♪ ♪

Come on, come on, come on.

(groans)

"kappa house party."

"greenwell."

Greenwell.

(church bell tolling
in distance)

(grunting)

Hey, man, can you...
(clears throat)

Hey, c-could you please help me?

(camera clicks)

Really?

Come on, man.

What does "myob" mean?

Pete: "mind your
own business."

It means we're onto something.

I know we are. It turns out,

A girl died in the kappa house
20 years ago.

She gave birth
in a bathtub,

And the sisters
just let her bleed to death.

I mean, the best part is

Dean munsch covered
the whole thing up.

Huh.

Maybe these names i found
are related somehow.

Yeah. Um, they mean...

Uh, yeah, i mean,
this-this must be it, right?

It's the 20th anniversary
of-of what happened.

They're only targeting
kappa sisters.

Can you please put
some clothes on?

(stammers)
i'm-i'm sorry, what?

Um...

Oh.
(chuckles)

I'm-i'm so sorry.

Um...

Yeah, i think
i'm still kind of...

Out of it from the... Ah...

From-from my wound,

You know?

Um, they said, uh,
i shouldn't be alone, you know,

In case i fall asleep and die.

Can i just get you a robe
or something though? Okay.

(gasps)

What?

What the hell is this?!

So... I'm the school mascot
during football games.

What?

What? What's wr...

That's the disguise
the killer wears.

I saw it. He was stalking me
the other night.

So you're saying i'm the killer?

I mean, you-you hate kappa,

Chanel said
you were a crazy stalker,

And you have
the outfit.

I thought you were
the one person in this school

Who knew i was a good guy,
grace.

That's what that house
does to people.

Okay, this isn't
about me thinking

You're boyfriend material.

But i am boyfriend material.

How old are you?

19. I'll be 20 next month.

Oh, my god. That's exactly

How old the baby would be
if it grew up.

No, stay away from me!

God, i was so gonna go to third
base with you tonight, too.

Damn it!
Oh, yeah?

Well, how old are you?
18! God!

(sighs)

What if we stapled
their earlobes?

No. Too easy.

I only want to
haze these pledges

If we're gonna haze them
in a fresh, exciting way.

Boone:
Chanel,

Can i talk to you?

In private.

Private like the parts on a man
you like putting in your mouth?

(snorts)

Okay, fine.

Here goes.

I know you're gonna destroy
my reputation on campus

By telling people
i'm a secret gay.

Mm.
And i'm
gonna get kicked out

Of the dollar scholars house
with nowhere to live

Because the world of golf
doesn't really dig

On gay dudes as a rule.

You've been talking for a while.

I want to publicly come out
as gay on my own.

And then join kappa.
(scoffs)

I mean, you guys have
to accept everybody, right?
No.

No, we don't have
to accept gay dudes.

I actually think

That's illegal.

No.

We're doing it.

What?! Chanel...
Chanel, that's crazy.

I am a future
network news anchor.

That involves

A little thing called the media,

Which is, like,
chock-full of gays.

If i presided over the first
sorority ever to accept a gay,

Imagine how far that would
get me with my future

Gay makeup person,
my gay wardrobe person,

Not to mention my creepy,

Gross, gay viewers

And weird, gay higher-ups.
No, no.

No way. This isn't happening.

Chanel, you are not
thinking clearly, okay?

Accepting a gay will hurt
the house, and he's gonna steal

All of our expensive makeup
and toiletries.

Boone, chanel is my best friend,

And if you choose to bring shame
on her and kappa house,

I will come after you,
do you understand that?

I will destroy you.

I trust
you'll consider my offer.

(scoffs)

(scoffs)

(panting)

♪ ♪

♪ denise is my name ♪

♪ security is my game ♪

♪ i got to watch
these white girls ♪

♪ so i can get paid... ♪

(yelps)

Shondell!
Hey!

(laughing)

Shondell, you scared
the mess out of me!

Girl,

You know you're not
supposed to be sneaking up

On nobody like that.
Ha!

But if you gonna sneak,

I'm glad you got that
burger shack.
Okay!

You want a shack burger
or double shack burger?

You know i want the double.
I want the double.
Okay. You got it.

I thought you had to work.
Ain't nothing going on

At no best buy parking lot.

Name one bad thing
that ever happened

At a best buy parking lot.

(both laugh)

Girl, you got that right.
Yeah, hear?

You got that right.
There some ketchup in there?

What is it?

There's someone
in that car out there.

That's the new security guard.

What? No. Different car.

Jennifer:
Is that the killer?

Grace:
No, that's not the killer.

That's my dad. He's been
keeping an eye on me.

I'll go talk to him.

Wait. Let me.

I'll try to...

Give him some peace
of mind for you.

(sighs)

(singing to music): ♪ tell me
have you ever really ♪

♪ really ever, ever
loved a woman? ♪

Whoa!

(sighs)

Can i help you?

Sorry. I'm...

You're just, like,
super attractive.

Um, i'm gigi.

I'm national president
of kappa kappa tau.

I was just hanging
with your daughter in there.

I was like,
"what's he doing?"
oh. (chuckles)

Um, well, i was trying
to be inconspicuous.

I-i didn't want
to embarrass her.

Oh, she's not.
She's very touched.

Yeah, well, if it was up to me,
i'd pull her out of school.

I mean, who cares about
losing a year, right?

It's better than
losing your life.

My advice, just as a girl...

Mm-hmm.

...Maybe give her
some space.

You know,
my shrink says these kids

Are the most messed up
of any generation he's seen

'cause their parents
have made life so easy for them.

It's like they can't
handle adversity.

Adversity?

I wouldn't call a crazed
serial killer adversity.

They have security.

Come on.

Really... Good...

Good security.

I don't know. I just...
I just feel like she's, uh...

She's pulling away from me.

Actually, like-like
she's pushing me away.

You know, it's just
part of growing up.

It happens.

♪ and i... ♪

♪ will love you ♪
♪ will love you ♪

♪ baby ♪
♪ always. ♪

What?
(laughs)

Are these
all male power ballads

From, like, 1995?

What? Yeah.

No, that's exactly
what this playlist is called.

No.
No, i have a thing
for playlists.

I have a thing for playlists.
Stop it!

I'm, like, mr. Playlist.

You are so cool.
(chuckles)

Wow.

Hey, do you want to,
like, get a coffee or...?

Uh, i would love to.

Cool.

(engine starts)

Whoa. What do we have here?

Look, chanels.

Someone's got a poo belly.

(timer dings)
oh!

Time for another
mayonnaise shot, ladies.

Hello, hood rat.

Sweet yeezus, i don't even know
where to begin with you.

Bitch, i'm about to
smack you so hard,

Your tampon's gonna pop out.

Oh. Hold on.

Number five,

The pledges are yours.

I'm gonna go to my room
for a sec

To fetch some white eyeliner
so i can write

Legibly here on zayday.

(chuckles)

Cheers, ladies.

(glasses clink)

(snoring softly)

(woman screams)

Shondell, did you hear that?

I heard screaming.

Shondell,
i'm going in the house.
Mmm.

Keep your walkie on.

Shoot.

Chanel:
He was there!

He was in my room!
Denise: What's going on?

I heard screaming.

A red devil!

A guy in a red devil costume

Attacked me!

I was just looking for
white eyeliner

So i could draw on zayday,

When all of a sudden,
there he was,

Trying to push me out a window.

(screaming)

(grunting)

(screaming, shouting)

Denise:
So you think

The serial killer
is still up there?
Yes!

Okay, well, then let's go.
Go where?!

Upstairs to get the killer
before he gets away!

Ah! Nah!

Nah! Nah!

Hell nah!

You just said that you think
the killer is up there,

And that's where you want to go?

That's insane!

What you need to do
is run out this door.

Denise, we're going upstairs.

Come on.

You dumb girls are so stupid!

Y'all gonna get yourself killed!

Uh...

I'm-a stay down here,
and i'm-a...

I'm-a guard the door,
that's what i'm-a do.

Make sure don't nobody...
Nobody get in.

Nope. I'm... I'm-a have to
go-go to the car.

Shondell!

Girl, the killer
is in the house!

(gasps)

(all screaming)

Closet's clear.

No one's here.

This is freakin' terrifying!

The killer is in the house!
You hear me?

Shondell, the... Oh, crap.

I sprinted too fast. (panting)

I got to catch my breath.

Can you bring my inhaler
out the car?

(panting)

Shondell? Shondell?

Shondell, did you hear me?

I need my damn inhaler.

I told you
to keep your walkie on.

The killer is in the house.

(screaming)

Shondell, why you got
a knife in your throat?!

(denise continues screaming)

(tires screeching)

(denise grunting)

Oh, shoot.

(denise continues screaming)

Shondell!

(grunting, panting)

♪ ♪

Yeah, you got this.

♪ ♪

(sniffing)

(footsteps)

What, am i supposed
to be scared?

And i'm gonna get
so pissed tonight.

Oh, dude,
you're just gonna get pissed?

Don't even come out.

We plan on getting drunk,

And i don't want
your bad attitude ruining it.

Hey, boone, let's go!

We're headed down
to white stallion

To pick up some sluts, baby!

Boone, come on!
Let's go!

(high-pitched screaming)

(all screaming)

Chanel:
Congratulations, stupid hippos.

If you make it
through this banquet

Of delicious oriental foods,

You are officially done
with hell week. Maybe.

And now, let us all

Sip from this communal bowl

Of chinese lemon soup.

De-licious.

Hold on, y'all. That's not soup.

I just saw you wash your hands
with that.

Zayday is correct.

I just used that finger bowl

To wash my hands,
something i didn't do all day,

Despite having dropped turdlets
off at the pool twice.

Grace:
This is insane.

We are not drinking
your filthy hand water, chanel.

I will.

I will drink the soup, chanel.
I will.

I will drink it all.
Zayday: Can we stop

With the gross, weird
hazing for a second

And talk about what i thought we
were sitting down to talk about?

That there's a serial killer
on campus and we need

To figure out who it is.

(sighs)
chanel,

We all actually saw you kill
ms. Bean, remember?

So, right now,

You're my prime suspect.

Chanel: Yes, okay, i
burned her slightly,

But stop saying
that i killed her.

I wish i had,

Because now
she's walking the earth

With a burnt-off face,
murdering people.

Ms. Bean is

Obviously the killer!

Well, did ms. Bean

Maim and viciously disfigure
melanie dorkess last year?

How dare you?

That was a tragic accident.

I am a kind and devoted
and loving friend to all.

I'm not some crazed psychopath.

If anyone here's a psychopath,
it's neckbrace.

Oh, my god, thank you.

What's your alibi, gracie, huh?

Maybe you're the killer.

Yeah, where were you
when deaf taylor swift

Had her mowed off?

Well, you weren't there either,
chanel.

Enough!

I will not be put on trial.

The truth is

We don't know who the killer is,

And, yes, i suppose

It could be someone
in this room.

Now, call me old-fashioned,

But i choose to believe

That we are sisters

Who are in this together,

Bound by a sisterly duty

To protect one another
and to protect

The proud traditions
of kappa house.

Now, can we please get back
to drinking my pooey hand water?

Everybody listen up.
Chad has something to say.

Chad!

(panting):
Hold on. Everybody...

Listen... Listen up to me first.

Whew.

Sorry.
Chad: No, take your time.

You want to go first?

Not now.
Just do your thing.

Okay.

My friend shondell
was murdered last night.

The killer stabbed her
right in the face.

Denise hempville
freaked out.

Nobody came a-runnin'.

So i grabbed shondell,

And i pushed her
right out of that car.

I drove away real scared.

And now the body is missing.

What?!

Right!
Wow.

Look, uh, chanel...

(sighs) look, ever since
i broke up with you,

I... I banged, like, 50 chicks.

(sighs)
also,

My best friend, boone...

Ooh, he is dead.

♪ ♪

(door creaks)

♪ ♪

(chuckles)

What took you so long?