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♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
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00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:07,774
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:11,478
♪ But where are thosegood old‐fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,147
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:17,818
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:21,255
♪ Lucky there's a man whopositively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,491
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:30,163
♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,670
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to The Today Show
11
00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:38,906
with Matt Lauer sadly
looking in the window.
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00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:40,974
First up,
Rachael Ray will be here
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00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,544
to help us with a simple
Christmas recipe.
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00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,012
(muffled):
Can I come back now?
15
00:00:45,078 --> 00:00:46,813
Then, Al will be in
to get you ready
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00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,415
with your Christmas
travel weather.
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00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,117
Are you guys still sore at me?
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00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:53,287
We also share your best tweets
about family visitors.
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00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:55,889
I thought about what I did.
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00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:58,525
(loud thud)
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00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,594
(groans)
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00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:03,230
(bleep) (grunts)
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00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:07,100
(bleep) (grunts) (bleep)
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00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:10,270
(Lois grunts, pants)
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00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:14,875
(groans, pants)
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00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:16,610
That looks heavy.
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00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:19,513
Well, dragging a bin full
of decorations down the stairs
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00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,281
while repeatedly yelling (bleep)
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00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:23,984
in front of my children
means only one thing.
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It's Christmas time.
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00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,555
Yeah, Lois, I knew
it was Christmas a week ago
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00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:31,825
when the "O" in the PornHub
logo became a wreath.
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00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,393
- Same.
- Nice.
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00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,004
Listen, there's a lot of work
to be done
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00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,764
to make this place look festive,
and unlike most years,
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00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:40,500
where I do everything,
this year I want you all
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00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:42,235
to help
with the Christmas chores.
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00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:43,846
Come on, Lois.
You know the deal around here.
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00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:46,873
We split everything zero‐100,
like most couples.
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00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,542
And I also have another request.
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00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,277
I'd like
to finally get a present
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00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,245
from the heart this year.
43
00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:54,147
Not just
some defective clothing item
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00:01:54,214 --> 00:01:56,183
Peter got on clearance
at Marshalls.
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00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:58,418
But you love The Roling Stons.
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00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:00,229
Now, to make sure
you don't forget your chores,
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00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:01,722
I've made you each a list.
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00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:04,391
And I want all
of these completed by tomorrow.
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00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:07,361
Sorry. I can't do chores.
My trick elbow is acting up.
50
00:02:07,427 --> 00:02:10,130
- Is that your card?
- No.
51
00:02:10,197 --> 00:02:12,766
Oh, boy,
it's worse than I thought.
52
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:21,742
Why are we doing our Christmas
shopping at the strip mall?
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00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,777
'Cause we ran out
of gas out front.
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00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:25,946
You got
to get that gas gauge fixed.
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00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:28,015
Look, Chris, did you want
the gas gauge fixed,
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00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:29,583
or did you want a year of Quibi?
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00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,418
The gas gauge.
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00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,687
I'm sure we can find everything
on Mom's list here.
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00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,422
It doesn't look so bad.
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00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:39,693
If this place doesn't have Baby
Yoda toys, I swear to God...
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00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,562
I'll probably buy something
with Spider‐Man on it.
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00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:45,098
Okay, guys, now before
you can shop at a strip mall,
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00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,100
you have
to use the free‐standing ATM
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00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,635
that's chained to a pole
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00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,271
and not affiliated
with any known bank.
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00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:55,842
Good. It's taking
an extra‐long time
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00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:58,178
to read the card and probably
stealing the number.
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00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:01,982
Select "yes"
to pay $15 fee. No brainer.
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00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,489
Perfect.
Now I can't read the screen,
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00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,218
'cause the glare is so bad.
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00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:06,953
And it's not giving me
my card back.
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00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,955
‐(phone ringing) ‐Hello?
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00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,524
Yes, this is Peter Griffin.
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00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,759
Not anymore?
Well, thanks for telling me.
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00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,529
Look, there's a card
and nice paper store.
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00:03:15,595 --> 00:03:19,366
Let's go walk around it slowly
and let out tiny farts.
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00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,968
- (door bells tinkle)
- (soft instrumental music plays)
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00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,705
Hmm. Nice, thick card stock.
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00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:25,839
(squeaky gas expulsion)
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00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,974
Ah, yes,
that's a very bright white.
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00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,976
(squeaky gas expulsion)
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00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,478
Ooh, Century Gothic font.
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00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,813
(loud, rumbling, gas expulsion)
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00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:36,650
Miss, this store
is for tiny farts only.
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00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:40,153
There's a Lids next door
for that sort of thing.
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00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:44,858
Welcome to the strip mall
H&R Block.
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00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,393
Yes, I'd like to do my taxes.
88
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:49,229
- How much does H charge?
- $59.
89
00:03:49,296 --> 00:03:51,098
Hmm. How much does R charge?
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00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:52,899
$59.
91
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:56,837
Does R know H has a side thing
going with M? H&M?
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00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,572
I don't know what
you're talking about.
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00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:00,507
Is H back from lunch yet?
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00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:03,043
Sorry. He said he was held up
with a client.
95
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:06,313
You were with M again,
weren't you?!
96
00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:07,781
What? No, I wasn't.
97
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,983
Then why are you wearing
a designer‐looking shirt
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00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,485
at a fraction of the cost?
99
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,320
Maybe I wanted to get caught.
100
00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:16,223
I told you what I'd do
if I ever caught you cheating.
101
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:18,391
This is on you!
102
00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:22,529
Why?! Why?!
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00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,598
What's up?
I was just taking a pee.
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00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:25,932
Someone call?
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00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:29,503
Sometimes they let me write
my own skits.
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00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,407
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to CBS This Morning
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00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:37,644
with Charlie Rose sadly pressed
against the window.
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00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,913
Coming up this morning,
Christmas came early
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for a group of first graders
in South Bend, Indiana.
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(muffled):
You guys still cross with me?
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00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:49,256
Hey, how was the big day
of shop...
112
00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:52,125
(sighs) Wait. Where's all
the Christmas stuff?
113
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,094
Ah, yeah. About that...
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00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:55,529
I can't believe this.
115
00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:57,497
Brian, where's Stewie's
Elf on the Shelf?
116
00:04:57,564 --> 00:05:00,367
Meg, where's the twinkling
lights I asked for?
117
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:01,802
Peter,
where's the Christmas tree?
118
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,270
We don't even have a tree.
119
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,014
I'm sorry, Lois.
I got it all under control.
120
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,707
Don't you worry about a thing.
I'll be right back.
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00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:11,945
♪ ♪
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00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,347
(wind whistling)
123
00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:17,117
(gasps)
Peter, you did get a tree.
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00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,985
Oh, it's beautiful.
125
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:23,223
I sure did, Lois, because I love
you and I love this family.
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00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:24,925
Oh, Peter.
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00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,861
Peter. Peter.
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00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,863
Peter. Peter?!
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00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,499
Peter Griffin,
what the hell is going on here?
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00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,634
Huh? Huh? What? Oh, yeah.
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00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:36,770
I was gonna go get all
the Christmas stuff,
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00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,638
but then I fell asleep
rubbin' one out
133
00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:40,907
to Madonna's
"Santa Baby" in the car.
134
00:05:40,974 --> 00:05:42,976
By the way, tonight's date night
is cancelled
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00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,544
due to lack of interest.
136
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:47,080
Peter, you were all supposed
to take the weight
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00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:50,584
of the holidays off my shoulders
for once, and you failed.
138
00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:51,918
You all failed.
139
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:54,120
Brian, you're supposed
to be responsible.
140
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:56,256
Bad dog. Bad.
141
00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:57,791
(whimpering)
142
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,661
Damn it. And who got candy cane
all over the couch?
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00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:03,330
(whimpering)
144
00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:05,065
You know what?
I've had it.
145
00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:08,201
Every year, my cousin asks me
to come to Cabo for Christmas.
146
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:09,736
Well, this year, I'm going.
147
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,471
You're all gonna see
how hard it is
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00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,473
to make Christmas happen
around here without me.
149
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,843
I am packing my bags,
and I'm out of here.
150
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:18,378
You're getting divorced?
151
00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:20,080
No, I'm just leaving
for a few days
152
00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:21,715
and ruining their Christmas.
153
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,483
You're ruining Christmas
154
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,986
by suing the city
over holiday decorations?
155
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,788
No, I'm just leaving my family
for the holidays.
156
00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:31,091
You're doing deaf jokes?
157
00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:33,526
No. No one's doing deaf jokes.
158
00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:36,730
Well, I can't hear,
so I don't know.
159
00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:38,498
She's not doing them.
160
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,367
- What?
- I don't know.
161
00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,469
I think we... I think...
162
00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:45,605
I think we are doing
deaf jokes at this point.
163
00:06:51,177 --> 00:06:53,980
I can't believe Mom went to Cabo
164
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,815
and left us alone for Christmas.
165
00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,384
What are we gonna do?
166
00:06:57,450 --> 00:06:59,161
Well, I'll tell you
the first thing we're gonna do.
167
00:06:59,185 --> 00:07:02,222
We're gonna delete all of her
pretentious crap off the DVR.
168
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:04,724
I want to be the one
to delete The Crown.
169
00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:07,894
She never watched them.
She just had 'em.
170
00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:09,195
Do it, son.
171
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,331
Well, well, well, The Crown.
172
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:12,933
How the tables have turned.
173
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:14,467
Remember this face?
174
00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:16,369
The one that wanted
to watch Modern Family?
175
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,005
Well, payback's a bitch.
Delete!
176
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:22,575
"Are you sure you want
to delete The Crown?" Yes.
177
00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:25,879
"Do you understand
that it's really good?" Yes!
178
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:29,749
"Are you sure? It will impress
your friends." Accept.
179
00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:32,652
"You understand that we change
the cast every season."
180
00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:34,354
Acknowledge.
181
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:37,390
"Come on. It's The Crown.
It's history." Don't care.
182
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,826
"You are not allowed
to delete The Crown."
183
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,828
(yelling)
184
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:44,030
(groaning)
185
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:46,366
BRITISH TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to The Crown.
186
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,368
(woman mumbling
in British accent)
187
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:51,371
(man mumbling in British accent)
188
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,239
I actually kind of love it.
189
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,874
Ah, me, too.
190
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:57,677
It's 'cause I'm trash,
and I love how fancy it is.
191
00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:59,746
Dad, this doesn't help
with Christmas.
192
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,182
Yeah, we're screwed.
Who's gonna decorate?
193
00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:04,084
Who's gonna
cook Christmas dinner?
194
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:05,952
Okay, calm down.
Now, I know your mom's gone,
195
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,822
and we're a little worried,
but Daddy's got a plan.
196
00:08:08,888 --> 00:08:11,725
All right, everybody, go outside
and kneel face‐first
197
00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:14,194
in front
of Daddy's big pre‐dug hole.
198
00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:15,895
Come on, Peter.
We can do this.
199
00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:17,330
All right, Plan B.
200
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,766
I take two pills I got
after my root canal
201
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,034
and listen to records.
202
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:24,304
(smooth jazz playing)
203
00:08:24,371 --> 00:08:27,107
It's been four days.
204
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:37,617
Huh. Not too bad.
205
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:49,929
First of all, these are
really good binoculars.
206
00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:51,898
Second, this was a great plan.
207
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:56,369
Watching the family fall apart
without me is better than Cabo.
208
00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:58,071
Ah. Look at them.
209
00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,739
I'll get a phone call any minute
210
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:02,308
begging me to come back
and save Christmas.
211
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:06,679
But in the meantime, it's time
for a little relaxation.
212
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,681
MOTEL TV ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to the Quahog Motel,
213
00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:10,683
the winner
of Tripadvisor's award for
214
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:13,953
"Best In‐Room Stationery to
Write Your Suicide Note On".
215
00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:15,989
Yeah, this is gonna work.
216
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:20,493
Now all I have to do is lie here
and wait, like a cobra.
217
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,463
- Cobra? Party of one?
- Yes, that's me.
218
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,374
And would you like me to bring
your drink from the bar?
219
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,501
Uh, yes. I have no hands?
220
00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:36,876
All right, time to put up
the 2020 Christmas decorations.
221
00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:39,746
First, ethnically‐accurate
Jesus goes right here
222
00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:42,248
next to Father Mary
and Mother Josephine,
223
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,818
followed closely by
the three genderless Wise People
224
00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:46,219
on their Bird Scooters,
225
00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:47,620
Tig Notaro for some reason,
226
00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:49,622
and of course,
the Little Drummer Them.
227
00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:52,358
Because God forbid
we call a boy a boy.
228
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,770
- Dad, what are you say...
- I don't like what the world is!
229
00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:57,097
I'm white!
When's it gonna be our turn?!
230
00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:58,865
Peter, relax.
231
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,233
How am I supposed to relax?
232
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,968
Christmas is tomorrow,
and that woman
233
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,503
who normally does everything had
234
00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,014
to go help her sick aunt
or something.
235
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,339
- You mean Lois?
- I don't know.
236
00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:07,907
The redhead with the voice.
237
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:10,643
She usually hangs up
these stupid Christmas lights.
238
00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:12,512
And these stupid
Christmas wreaths.
239
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:16,116
And the white wire reindeers
that look like ghosts.
240
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:17,717
Dad, look.
241
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,819
(angelic singing)
242
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:26,392
Oh, my God, it's perfect.
243
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:27,760
‐(phone ringing) ‐Hello?
244
00:10:27,827 --> 00:10:29,596
QUAGMIRE:
Yeah, Merry Christmas.
245
00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:31,273
Um, listen, Peter,
can you turn down those lights?
246
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,366
I'm in bed with a three,
and, um,
247
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:36,503
extra light is not her friend.
248
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:43,810
Oh, my God.
Stewie doesn't have a jacket on,
249
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:46,179
but other than that,
Peter's done it.
250
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,414
(giggling)
251
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,250
Yeah. Oh, you're gonna get it.
252
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,285
You like it rough, don't ya?
253
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:53,987
Oops, wrong room.
254
00:10:54,053 --> 00:10:57,290
Sorry. We're excited.
My wife just killed herself.
255
00:10:57,357 --> 00:11:00,560
♪ ♪
256
00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:05,198
(instrumental
"Deck the Halls" plays)
257
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:43,069
What the hell?
258
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,772
They've never had a front yard
family snowball fight
259
00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:47,707
when I was there.
260
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:49,776
Oh, and now the local news
is there.
261
00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:51,945
Hello. I'm Tom Tucker.
This just in.
262
00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:56,282
Husband does what wife normally
does, comma, makes headlines.
263
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,751
Come on. You can't be...
264
00:11:58,818 --> 00:12:00,420
Oh, look at Quagmire
265
00:12:00,486 --> 00:12:02,355
trying to sneak that three out
of his house.
266
00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,327
(sighs)
267
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,762
Now they're standing
hand‐in‐hand?
268
00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:12,098
It's like
they've never been happier.
269
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,200
Wait. What's Peter saying?
270
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,236
(distorted, slowly):
I...
271
00:12:16,302 --> 00:12:20,773
love... you.
272
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,775
(gasps)
They better not say it back
273
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:26,813
also in distorted slow‐motion
to emphasize my horror.
274
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:30,984
ALL (distorted, slowly):
I... love... you...
275
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:33,987
too... Dad.
276
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:35,855
That's it.
277
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,390
There's only one thing to do.
278
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,959
I must put an end
to this whole thing.
279
00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:42,996
I must stop Christmas.
280
00:12:43,062 --> 00:12:44,897
(distant gas expulsion)
281
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:47,700
Hey, what do you think
this is‐‐ a Lids?
282
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,836
ANNOUNCER: Lids: come get
a camouflage Knicks hat
283
00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:51,271
and let one rip.
284
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:52,839
Find us in the corner
of the mall
285
00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:55,708
where all the lights
are going on and off.
286
00:13:03,182 --> 00:13:04,450
Thanks for the ride.
287
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,486
And your unsolicited
racial theories.
288
00:13:06,552 --> 00:13:10,990
I'm telling you:
is the Turks, every time.
289
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:14,527
- Merry Christmas.
- (speaking native language)
290
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:26,806
And now, to ruin Christmas.
291
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:28,274
(gasps)
292
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:31,277
Who left all
these dirty dishes out?
293
00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:33,780
Okay, much better.
294
00:13:33,846 --> 00:13:37,283
I'm not even gonna think
about the grocery situation.
295
00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:42,255
(sighs)
296
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,358
(gasps)
297
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,664
Okay. Ruin Christmas.
Here we go.
298
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:54,033
Don't even care if they
transferred the wet clothes
299
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:57,303
from the washer to the dryer.
300
00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,973
Oh, you see?
I knew it. I knew it.
301
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:04,210
♪ ♪
302
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:21,094
STEWIE:
Santa Claus?
303
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,896
Why are you taking
our Christmas tree?
304
00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:27,667
Why are you in pigtails
and a little girl's nightgown?
305
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:32,071
Okay, okay, maybe
we both forget what we saw.
306
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:41,013
God, I hate being alone
during the holidays.
307
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,349
Wait!
308
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:45,651
Hello, Joan.
My name is Glenn Quagmire.
309
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,887
I'm just calling to see
if I have a payment due
310
00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:49,489
on my Discover card.
311
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,091
What? No, I'm not alone
on Christmas.
312
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:55,928
I'll have you know I'm actually
here with my very large family.
313
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:58,931
Uh, prove it by telling you
my children's real names
314
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,234
that don't sound like
I made them up in a panic?
315
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:04,504
Uh, uh, Bloofus and Klunt.
316
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,306
Look, there's kids, okay?
317
00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:09,242
Oh, what, you don't believe me?
318
00:15:09,308 --> 00:15:11,377
Bloofus, that vase
was irreplaceable.
319
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,164
Oh, boy, Joan, I'm gonna
have to let you go.
320
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:15,848
Wait. You think I was the one
who knocked over that vase?
321
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,717
How dare you, madam.
322
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,853
Oh, now Klunt's acting up.
Don't have kids, Joan.
323
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,656
It's a big mistake.
Merry Christmas. (beeps)
324
00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:34,634
(all gasp)
325
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:38,504
Merry Christmas, everybo...
Hey, what happened?
326
00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:40,940
Peter, I... I think
we've been robbed.
327
00:15:41,007 --> 00:15:42,642
(gasps)
I can't believe it.
328
00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:44,553
They stole the presents,
they stole the decorations.
329
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:47,113
They even stole our tree.
330
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,415
I want my presents.
331
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:50,650
Okay, let's just settle down.
332
00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:52,251
Everybody kneel in the backyard
333
00:15:52,318 --> 00:15:54,520
in front of Daddy's
big pre‐dug hole.
334
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,198
You know, Peter,
this never would've happened
335
00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:58,424
if you hadn't gotten rid
of that Ring doorbell camera.
336
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,194
Ugh, someone crapped
on the porch again.
337
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,062
I'm checking the footage.
338
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,642
Whoever it was probably
had no choice, is my guess.
339
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,410
Their family was probably
using all the bathrooms.
340
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:10,770
That's probably what happened,
whoever did that.
341
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,620
ANNOUNCER (over TV):
We now return to Tony Bennett's
342
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,847
Half‐Asleep
Christmas Spectacular.
343
00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:23,983
♪ A‐jingle, jingle,jingle, jingle bells... ♪
344
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:25,451
(snores)
345
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:26,686
PRODUCER:
Tony!
346
00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:28,855
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la... ♪
347
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:31,123
- (snores)- ANNOUNCER: Coming up- on Tony Bennett's
348
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:32,959
Half‐Asleep
Christmas Spectacular,
349
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:34,961
a duet with Willie Nelson.
350
00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:36,996
♪ ♪
351
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:38,364
(both snoring)
352
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:40,099
PRODUCER:
Guys!
353
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,235
- ♪ O, come ♪
- ♪ Just hear those ♪
354
00:16:42,301 --> 00:16:44,079
- ♪ Let us adore him ♪
- ♪ Sleigh bells ringing ♪
355
00:16:44,103 --> 00:16:45,771
♪ And jing‐jing‐jingling,too... ♪
356
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,908
I'm back from Mexico,
and definitely not
357
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:51,511
- Cost Plus World Market.
- Welcome back, Lois.
358
00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:53,412
I cleaned and got groceries.
359
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:56,449
But I'm afraid we have bad news:
we've been robbed.
360
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,117
Robbed?
361
00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:00,553
On Christmas?
(gasps)
362
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,088
Oh, my God.
363
00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:03,723
I‐I go away for one Christmas,
364
00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:05,558
and everything goes
down the drain.
365
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,860
All of you must
feel so terrible.
366
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:11,497
Well, we did, until we realized
there was one present
367
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:13,933
- we still had.
- There is?
368
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,736
- Yeah, Mom. Yours.
- (gasps)
369
00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:20,506
Remember how you said you wanted
a gift from the heart this year?
370
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,875
Well, we all got you something.
371
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,553
We kept it upstairs
because we didn't think
372
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,245
you'd be here for Christmas.
373
00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:28,614
Oh, well, that's nice.
374
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:31,117
We really made a point
to stay on top of the dishes
375
00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:32,485
while you were gone.
376
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,254
Here you go, Mom.
It's from all of us.
377
00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:38,391
Read the card first.
378
00:17:38,457 --> 00:17:41,227
We put Brian's name on it,
but he's just the dog.
379
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:43,229
"Dear Mom, we're sorry
380
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,398
"we disappointed you
this Christmas.
381
00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:47,099
"We know you put
a lot of hard work
382
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:49,135
"into making
Christmas memorable.
383
00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:51,971
"We love and appreciate
everything you do.
384
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:53,973
"We'll never let you down again.
385
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,809
That you can count on."
386
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:58,978
Wow. That's...
387
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:00,980
that's really nice.
388
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:03,215
- There's more on the back.
- Oh.
389
00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:05,484
"You see, having a mom
is not something
390
00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:08,621
"we take for granted,
because you only get one.
391
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:12,758
"And the one we have
is perfect in every way.
392
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,927
We love you."
(gasps)
393
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,862
It's beautiful, you guys.
394
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:19,065
Now use this black light
to read what we wrote
395
00:18:19,131 --> 00:18:20,866
in invisible ink
while This Is Us'
396
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:24,036
"sad stuff's about to happen"
acoustic guitar plays.
397
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,204
♪ ♪
398
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,506
"Mom, from the very start,
399
00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:29,475
"you've always been there
for us.
400
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:31,744
"And we know you've
always supported us
401
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:35,915
"and would never do anything
to let us down or hurt us.
402
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:39,118
"Thanks for making
every Christmas so memorable.
403
00:18:39,185 --> 00:18:42,121
We love you so much, Mom."
404
00:18:42,188 --> 00:18:44,657
Oh, God, I'm gonna cry.
405
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:49,261
And look up in the sky.
406
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,801
Aw, we should've read
that one first.
407
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:58,137
Now open your present.
408
00:19:00,439 --> 00:19:02,642
(chuckles)
Wow.
409
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:03,976
W‐What is it?
410
00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:06,846
It's a bowl we all made for you
in a pottery class.
411
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:10,082
A denim‐shirted
lesbian named CJ helped us.
412
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,018
It's...
(grunts)
413
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,452
it's beautiful.
414
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:14,799
NARRATOR:
And what happened next?
415
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,423
Well, in Quahog they say,
416
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:21,627
Lois's heart grew three sizes
that day.
417
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:25,231
(monitor beeping)
418
00:19:25,297 --> 00:19:27,099
Never seen anything like it.
419
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,201
Very dangerous.
She's lucky to be alive.
420
00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:31,070
♪ ♪
421
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:33,773
- Thank God you're okay.
- We love you, Mom.
422
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:36,242
Best Christmas ever.
423
00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:40,112
NARRATOR:The medical emergency distractdthe family from her crimes.
424
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,747
She never did confess.
425
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:43,983
Instead, the Griffins'
Muslim neighbor
426
00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:45,885
was arrested for the break‐in.
427
00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:50,356
Lois said nothing and the man
was deported back to Turkey.
428
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,058
DRIVER:
See? What I tell you?
429
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:53,726
Always Turkey.
430
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,528
(speaking gibberish)
431
00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:04,070
Well, it's good
to have you back, Lois.
432
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:06,672
(laughs): If I kept having to
wash dishes and buy groceries,
433
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:09,341
- I was gonna go crazy.
- Okay.
434
00:20:09,408 --> 00:20:13,112
So, Mom, who are these cousins
you were in Mexico with?
435
00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:15,514
Oh, you know, just my cousins.
436
00:20:15,581 --> 00:20:17,216
- Which ones?
- Yeah, Mom.
437
00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:18,884
Prove it by telling us
cousin names
438
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:21,253
that don't sound like
you made them up in a panic.
439
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,289
(raspberry)
Of course I can do that.
440
00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:26,792
My good, close cousins
Bloofus and Klunt.
441
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:31,831
(chuckles) In fact, I think
I hear them upstairs right now.
442
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,265
(rapid footsteps)
443
00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:35,401
Bloofus? Klunt?
444
00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:37,970
- (thudding, clattering)
- Oh, no, Bloofus,
445
00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:41,407
not Meg's diorama project,
which is due tomorrow.
446
00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:43,809
- (thudding, crashing)
- Oh, no, Klunt,
447
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:45,911
that was Stewie's aquarium
with the fish
448
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,413
you have to feed so damn much
449
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,782
and they basically
always die anyway.
450
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:51,684
Frickin' Klunt, man.
451
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:55,621
LOIS:
Bloofus, put down Peter's pills that came in a discreet box.
452
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:56,889
Got to go.
453
00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:58,424
(rapid footsteps)
454
00:20:58,491 --> 00:21:00,826
- PETER: Bloofus.
- (toilet flushes)
455
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:02,595
Bloofus!
456
00:21:02,645 --> 00:21:07,195
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