All language subtitles for Two.for.the.Road.1967.720p.BluRay.x264-x0r

(Church bells ringing)

They don't look very happy.

Why should they?
They just got married.

(Crowd) Bye! Bye!

I do hope you'll enjoy your trip,
Mr Wallace.

Thank you.

- And your wife, of course.
- Thanks a lot.

Well, I suppose we've got Maurice
to thank for this.

- Hmm.
- What are you doing?

Just trying to discover
where the strings are attached.

Hope you have a nice trip,
Mr Wallace.

- And my wife?
- Hmm.

You're entirely too suspicious about
Maurice. What harm did he ever do us?

- He hounds us.
- He hounds us?

- He hounds us.
- Nonsense.

Mr Maurice Dalbret for you,
Mr Wallace. From St Tropez.

He hounds us.

Maurice?

Yeah.

I told you.

Of course we could've flown direct,

but we wanted to have a few days
on our own.

- May I have London, please?
- Joanna and me.

My wife! Yeah.

It's too late to change.
Anyway, I want the car down there.

Yes, my darling. Of course I will.

Of course I won't.

Nothing's going to fall down.

Look, we have to fly.

And you'll take care of Granny?
And Nanny too? Take care of everyone.

But that makes nonsense
of the whole spatial concept.

Spatial concept!

It messes up the whole lousy design.

I'll see you in three days.

(Sighs)

Who is it now?

- Caroline.
- Caroline? Who...?

Caroline Wallace, your daughter.

Oh, Caroline.

Hello. How's my little girl, huh?

Cigarettes?

Cigarettes?

Did you bring your passport?

Look, I'm sorry.
We'll have to turn back.

I've left my passport.
We'll have to turn back.

I'm sorry, sir. Are you sure?

Yes. I've got a most important
conference, and I don't want to run...

Mark Wallace, 33 years old.
Occupation: Architect.

Now how about getting me
some cigarettes?

- Thank you.
- It's just that Maurice...

Has persuaded you that it's imperative
that we get to St Tropez by yesterday.

Why do you always get taken in?

Look, baby, that's how it is, okay?

Do you want me not to work?
Is that what you want?

Just wish that you'd stop sniping.

I haven't said a word.

Just because you use a silencer
doesn't mean you're not a sniper.

- (Imitates gunshot)
- (Sighs)

We're not going on like this
for the rest of our lives.

(Joanna) 'You haven't been happy
since the day we met, have you?

'If only you were 10 years younger
and you knew what you know now.'

You can say that again.

(Ship's horn blowing)

(Girls laughing)

I wonder if anybody's picked up
the wrong passport.

Erm, excuse me. Do you mind?
I'm looking for a passport.

- Look in your bag, sir.
- I know it's not in my bag.

- Somebody must've taken it.
- I doubt that, sir.

Know what a passport's worth
on the black market?

A Britannic Majestic passport
in Naples? £100 at least.

- Well, this is France.
- I've not got the latest figures for France.

I can see myself stuck on this boat
for life, going backwards and forwards.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

That's nice. You leave something
for two seconds and...

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Aargh!

Where's my...? Hmm.

(Joanna) 'There was a time
when you were really quite glad

'to be married to me, early on.

'Remember the first trip
we made together

'when we had wheels of our own?
The old MG?

'Which birthday of mine was it
you gave yourself that?

'Was it our anniversary?

'Anyway, we were just going to drive
and drive and see where we got to.

'A couple of kids
with not a care in the world.'

Hold your breath,
we've got a long way to go.

(Engine starts)

(Tyres screech)

(Engine cranks then starts)

(Tyres screech)

(Engine cranking)

What we need is a small push.

Come on!

Come on. Let's go.

(Grunting)

That's it, very good.

Faster. Faster!

Come on. Faster!

- (Engine starts)
- Hey!

- Remember me, Joanna?
- Shh.

- What's the matter?
- Hear that? It's a "donk."

- (Spring twangs)
- A donk? What kind of a donk?

A medium-sized,
slightly unhealthy donk.

- (Twanging continues)
- A donk.

(Joanna) 'When did it all
start to go wrong?

'Was it in the MG?
Our first bust up?'

(Mark) 'I thought we were
quite happy in the MG.'

(Joanna) 'I thought we were
quite happy in the MG.'

It's what I call real independence.
Don't you?

- (Engine twanging)
- I can still hear that damn donk.

- Hear it? Donk, donk.
- (Twanging)

- It's in the engine!
- Right.

Do you realise this is the first afternoon
I've spent in natural light in over a year?

By the time I get home from work,
it's pitch black.

Originally you said
you liked basements.

Originally I liked basements.

I think we were damn lucky
to get the place, frankly.

Look, I think we were damn lucky
to get the place, frankly.

I think one day we'll be damn lucky
to get out of it, frankly.

If you want to live in one half of
a suburban shoe box like your parents,

you married the wrong man.

I don't want to live in one half
of a suburban shoe box.

And I married the wrong man.

Do you want a divorce?

Why do we keep on
with this farce?

- Is it bloody worth it? Is it?
- No, it isn't.

It was your idea. You wanted it.

And I got it.

Yes, it is worth it sometimes.

Only not now.

I don't know what you ever really
saw in me in the first place.

I can't really remember.

You had hair in those days,
of course.

(Mark) 'I don't think we had any kind
of real...in the MG...bust-up.'

Look, if you really want
big houses, fast cars,

hot and cold running servants...

- Who wants that?
- I know what you want.

- You want big houses, fast cars...
- You're right, there is a donk.

There is? I thought there was.

Hmm, right there.
Donk, donk, donk.

There's something loose,
without a question.

- If there is, you loosened it.
- (Grinds gears)

Joanna, try and keep
out of the lower gears.

- You try keeping out of the lower gears.
- Joanna!

Go on.

- (She screams)
- You're mad!

You're out of your mind!
Let me get to...

See? No donk if you're careful.

(Twanging continues,
engine sputters)

(Joanna) Oh!

Oh, shut up.

I hate this!

I can't see a... Oh!

I've got oil in my eye now!
I could quite happily...

- How is it down there?
- Pitch black.

This exhaust pipe is so rusty,
I could...

If I could just see!

Difficult doing things in the dark,
isn't it?

We cannot afford a new flat.

On our present budget, we can't
even afford a new exhaust pipe.

You really ought to try avoiding
the lower gears, you know.

Why don't you put
a very British sock in it?

Why don't you put
a hard-boiled egg in it?

(Mutters)

(Grunts) That fixed it!

You mean that's 'fixed' it?
Or that's 'fixed' it?

Ask me in an hour's time.

(Joanna) 'You shouldn't have bought
an MG, you should've bought a tractor.

'I'll never forget you sitting in the back
of that chauffeur-driven tractor.

'I'd never even spoken to you,
and I thought you looked insufferable.

'The girls were potty about you.
And so, heaven knows, were you.

(Screams)

Oh, no, what are we going to do?

We'll never get there in time.

(All shouting at once)

Hey!

(Laughing)

♪ Oh, lovely me-a... ♪

Hey!

(♪Women singing in harmony)

You're improving, Pat.

- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing!

Oh, everything!
I don't think travel agrees with me.

- I hope it isn't measles.
- I've had measles, clever!

It must be something else.

- (Chickens clucking)
- Oh, no!

Chicken pox. No question.

That's messed everything up
but completely.

Messed what up completely?
I mean, what do you want exactly?

We're supposed to be going
on holiday together,

then on to the music festival
at Menton.

Middle of the month.
What we'll do now, I don't know.

Golly, nor do I.

Oh, no!

And then there were four.

Only one thing to do, I suppose.
Let's see who's left in the morning.

Good plan.

- Well, well, well!
- How are you this morning?

I'm very well. How are you?

- Very well indeed.
- Ah...

And, er... the others?

I'm afraid it's been a night
full of casualties.

(Laughing)

I am sorry. Ah...

I think we should leave them
the minibus and press on.

- Does that appeal to you?
- How can you be so callous? Tsk-tsk.

- When do we leave?
- Whenever you're ready.

Joanna?
I thought you'd gone to the doctor's.

I drove the others.
Nothing wrong with me.

- Are you positive?
- Hmm.

- That feeling can be very deceptive.
- Right.

I've had chicken pox when I was 12.

We're not taking the bus. We're leaving
that for the others, when they're better.

- We thought we'd hitchhike.
- I love hitchhiking.

- I won't be in the way, will I?
- Whatever gave you that idea?

Where do you think
we'll get to by tonight? There?

There.

We can do better than that,
can't we, Jacqueline?

Can we, Jacqueline?

Jackie?

(Imitates clucking chicken)

(Imitates gunshot)

- Lambs.
- I guessed.

Well, aren't they sweet?

- It's a shame about Jackie, isn't it?
- Isn't it?

I suppose you'd have preferred if I'd been
the one who got the chicken pox?

Look, you don't have to stay with me.

(Imitates Humphrey Bogart)
Listen, sweetheart, let's get this straight.

I have absolutely no intention
of staying with you.

I don't know what your plans are,
but I have a schedule.

I am not, whatever you may be,
on holiday.

- I understand.
- I'm here strictly for the buildings.

Anything else is entirely by the way.
I haven't a minute to waste.

- My time is organised.
- You're on a schedule.

But a tight schedule.

Mark, did you remember to pick up
your passport this morning?

Mark! Mark!

If there's one thing I really despise,
it's an indispensable woman.

(Mark) Nobody knows the names
of the men who made it.

To make something
as exquisite as this

without wanting to smash
your stupid name all over it.

Would you want to?

All you hear about nowadays is
people making names, not things.

Er...

Sorry. You want me
to take your picture?

No, no, no.

This is really
a three-dimensional camera.

It's really meant for photographing
three-dimensional subjects.

I'm three-dimensional,
as a matter of fact.

It's basically for buildings.

Well, I'm not a building.

We won't have to waste
a minute stopping for lunch.

The trouble with women is
they try to label you,

put you in a pigeonhole.

What they don't realise is,

the only thing that really fits
in a pigeonhole is a pigeon.

Marriage is all they ever think about.

I've got no intention of getting married
for at least 40 years.

Not that I have anything against sex.
It's contracts I don't go for.

Promises of long service and
good conduct... Are you a virgin?

- Thought you were. I can always tell.
- Congratulations.

I was two years
at the University of Chicago.

- Studying virgin detection?
- Only at night school.

Architecture during the day.

I always thought American women
would be different.

I thought in America they'd broken
through the inhibitions barrier

and it was all one long sex feast.

- No?
- But no. But no.

Your nicely-brought-up American girl
may play it cool and modern,

but what she wants is
what her grandmother wanted.

Your head stuffed and mounted
on the living room wall.

And if you don't want it that way,
you can take your loving self elsewhere.

Speaking quite generally,
of course.

Of course.
Who was she?

(Chuckles)
What do you mean?

Her name was Cathy Seligman,
if you must know.

She was selfish,
grasping, Philistine,

materialistic,
stubborn, opinionated.

I was crazy about her.

Lucky for you,
you'll never meet her.

She's now Mrs Howard Maxwell
Manchester. Cha-cha-cha.

I always knew
you two had to meet.

"There's only one drawback,"
Howard said.

"We'll have to go to Greece."

- Remember saying that, Howard?
- Yes, yes.

Drawback!
Of course, I absolutely flipped!

Ha-ha! Howie, come on.

Naturally the first thing we thought of,
landing in Jolly Ole,

was getting in touch with you.

Mind you, I never thought you newlyweds
would want to travel with us ancients.

We don't care
who we travel with, frankly.

- Oh, Mark.
- Hey, tell me something...

Mummy, do snakes have nipples?

Oh, no, they don't, Ruthie.
Do they, Howie?

Er... no, they don't.

Ruthie is hooked on nature.

It's so wonderful you two kids
were free to come with us.

I just know that we're all going
to be terribly terrific friends.

Of course, Joanna, you know that
Mark used to be my favourite beau.

- Second favourite.
- (Laughs)

Favourite favourite.

That was before you came
on the scenario, Howie.

Of course, of course.

- Well, why don't they?
- Why don't who what?

Snakes have nipples.

Because they lay eggs.

Cathy, did you remember
to pack the anti-snake serum?

- Mm-hmm.
- Good.

Mark, do you remember
David Lewinsohn?

- No. David?
- It was Woody Lewinsohn.

He's become a very fine physician
in New York City.

Oh, I remember.

He gave Howard a course
in treating snakebites,

how to inject the serum
subcutaneously and all that.

- We've invested over 50 dollars in...
- Sixty.

Sixty dollars
in anti-snake equipment.

Well, I sure hope somebody
gets bitten by a snake. (Chuckles)

(Tyres screech)

Well, that's my hundred exactly.

Now let me see...

Mark, it's you to drive.

So we change places,
and that's all there is to it.

I'm hungry!

I think Howard's wonderful
the way he organises everything.

He's not an efficiency consultant
for nothing. Are you, sweetness?

If he were, he wouldn't be
married to you, honey.

- (Growls)
- I'm hungry!

Hand me that guidebook, sugar.

Thanks.

I want to eat something now!

If you want to ruin your lunch,
Ruthiebelle, you can.

We believe in leaving things
to Ruthie's own free decision.

Does that key make the car go?

Sort of.

Ruthie! That hurt Mummy!

Howard, did you see what she did?
She pinched me.

Well, she probably thinks you're
excluding her. She needs reassuring.

If she does it again,
I'm going to need hospitalisation.

- Yes, well, we're covered.
- (Ruthie screams)

- Have you ever been in analysis?
- No.

It can be very worthwhile.

Shall I tell you a story, Ruthie?

Oh, Joanna, thank you.

- There we are, love. There we are.
- Come on, Ruthie.

(Sighs) Well, well, well.
Quite like old times, Mr Wallace.

(Cockerel crows)

I see what you mean about
rearranging the luggage, Marcus.

- Thought you might, Howie.
- Wow, that's a real sun.

(Drawling) Well, we're gettin'
way down south, honey.

Mummy, I'm hungry!
I want to eat something now!

I don't want anything to eat.

I think maybe she's going to be
a little late fixating.

(Chuckles) She felt we hurried her.
Why don't we all relax, hmm?

Oh, Marcus, I've been meaning
to say about expenses...

- I think I've come up with a formula.
- Ruthie...

If you're agreeable,
we'll call Ruthie a half,

in which event we can most efficaciously
divide everything into nine parts

and split them in the ratio
of five to four.

Yes, well, I think that's the final
breakdown on this morning's expenses.

- Mark, if you'd care to check it.
- I believe you.

Well, shall we go?

Mm-hmm.

- You don't like my house, do you?
- It's very handsome.

Split-level. Market at 25,000.
I like it a lot.

It's beautiful, Ruthiebelle.
Come on, sweetheart.

- I want to take my house with me!
- She's feeling insecure. Only natural.

- Come on, sweetness.
- I want to take my house with me!

I want it!

Ruthie, this time I have to say no.
And I mean no. Now no!

It's very reassuring at times to retain
a certain flexibility of attitude.

Howard has a tremendously
mature quality, Marcus.

That's what I love about him.
He has quiet assurance.

Don't you think
he has quiet assurance?

- Very quiet assurance.
- He's the husband type.

You were always the lover type.
I guess basically you still are.

I've been married to Joanna
for nearly two years.

But your relationship is basically
volatile. Anyone can see that.

Joanna, I don't want you to feel badly
about what happened just now.

- Oh, it doesn't really matter.
- I think it does matter, Joanna.

You resent Ruthie, don't you?

- Oh, a little spilt wine.
- You misunderstand me.

You resent her because she represents
the child you want to have.

Ow!

All right, we are 17 minutes
behind schedule.

Er... Marcus, you have
53 kilometres still to go.

- Okay?
- It's hot!

Oh, sweetheart, I hate to say it,

but we should've left the car
under the sun shelter, Howie.

I know, sugar bush.
Let's move it, Marcus, eh?

- Mummy?
- What is it, candy face?

I'm hungry!

(Horn honking)

Very funny, isn't he?
But I happen to have a schedule.

The trouble is, there's two of us.
That's the basis of the whole trouble.

If I ever have a car, I swear I'll never
pass a single hitchhiker as long as I live.

Must we dice with death?

(Tyres screech)

Since when has this car got
only two speeds: 110 and stop?

I'll tell you what. You drive.

- I'll tell you what, I'll walk.
- Okay, walk!

Come on, Jo. Don't be silly.

You'd be far better off
on your own, wouldn't you?

- Oh, not again. Joanna!
- You want to get on, I know.

- Maurice is waiting.
- Let him wait.

He's got you on a line.
All he has to do is reel you in...

Shut up about Maurice! If it weren't
for Maurice, know where we'd be?

- Happy!
- Broke.

- Broke and happy!
- You wanna go back to living in a cellar?

- You hated it!
- I loved it.

- You hated it.
- I hated it.

I hate being at other people's
beck and call.

As soon as someone becks or calls,
I just resent it. That's all.

Okay, you run the show.
You handle it.

You worry about the house and the flat
and Nanny and Mrs Rathbone.

- I don't want any of them!
- Do I?

Am I the one that wants
enamel sports watches?

Take your watch. I don't want it.
I don't want anything.

Why, when you give a woman everything
she wants, she gets so bloody minded?

You don't give me everything I want. You
give me everything you want to give me.

Joanna, your watch.

Joanna, I love you!

Come on.
Maurice is waiting.

Bitch.

(Imitates Bogart) Listen, sweetheart.
We're not gonna make it together, see.

We don't get the breaks.
So this is the kiss-off.

You take the high road,
I'll take the low road.

We'll see who gets in where
before who, okay?

If we meet again, great.
If not, happy holidays.

No hard feelings, but, er...

- You have a schedule.
- Right.

(Laughs raucously)

What happened to your slick friend
in the Alfa Romeo?

I told him I was in love with you,
so he put me down.

I warn you.

Don't.

(Horn honks)

(Bleating)

What would you say
to a cup of coffee?

Baa!

- Vous avez une chambre, monsieur?
- Mais oui, monsieur.

What kind of people just sit like that
without a word to say to each other?

Married people?

This is definitely
against my principles.

Good. I wouldn't like to think
it happened all the time.

I had absolutely no intention
of sleeping in hotels.

You didn't?

Hell, no. What do you think
I brought a sleeping sack for?

I hadn't seriously thought about it.

Who are you?

Some girl.

(Yawning)

Sleep well?

I think that room was over
the plate-smashing annex.

My days for roughing it are over.

Next time why don't you get
Maurice to reserve us a room?

Preferably with a carpet and
something else in the hot tap besides...

(Sputters)

All right,
now when we're ready,

it's Joanna in the hot seat

and Catherine the Great,
the co-driver, okay?

We've still got three weeks to go,
so you may as well make the best of it.

Believe it or not,
I am making the best of it.

- You wanted to come.
- Okay?

Mummy, I don't want Joanna
to look at me.

Oh, Ruthie, don't be so silly.

Joanna, may I say something?

This may sound
absolutely ridiculous to you.

I know that you love Ruthie,
but she doesn't seem to realise it.

I don't think you're getting
through to her.

She's got the idea
that you're hostile to her.

May I make a suggestion?

Why don't you woo her
a little bit?

Woo her?

That's right. Woo her a little bit.

Okay, let's get this show
on the road.

Ruthie, honey, come on.

It has running hot and cold, bath,

free garage, telephone,

and... transistor radios are not
allowed in the dining room.

Well, sounds minimal,
but I'll buy it.

I don't want to go to a hotel!

- Oh!
- Our little home for the night, sweetness.

- Of course you do.
- I don't! I don't!

(♪ Radio plays jazz)

(Silence reigns)

Er... Ruthie, may I have the keys
back now, please?

No!

All right, we'll just have
to stay here all night.

- Is that what you want?
- Yes!

- With nothing to eat?
- I'm not hungry.

- She had a little snack...
- Cathy, please.

Ruthie, give me that key!

(Mark) Don't you have a spare?

If I used the spare,
we don't have a spare.

Mummy, I'm so tired.

Do you still want a child?

I still want a child.

I just don't want that child.

We agreed
before we were married,

we weren't going to have any children.

And before we were married,
we didn't.

Ha, ha.

(Chuckles)

Ruthie, you know, that was kind
of a funny thing you did with the key.

Fast thinking.

- Did you see where it landed?
- Yes.

Good girl. Where?

I'm not going to tell you.

Tell your daddy at once!

There.

- (Sighs)
- I wooed her.

Your time's up, buddy.

(Mark groans)

(Yawns)

Breakfast is served.

- That's a good cup of tea.
- It's coffee!

- I knew it was a good cup of something.
- Baa!

(Mark) Okay, start her up.

(Engine starts)

Let's go!

- (Engine sputters)
- Plenty of revs.

(Engine stalls)

- We stalled.
- You stalled.

- You drive.
- No, no.

I don't want to drive.

(Engine starts)

(Gears grind)

(Engine sputters)

(Engine stalls)

You stalled.

(Engine starts)

(Engine revs)

Done it.

(Metal clanking)

Ow!

That should hold it for a while.

Someone's havin' a bonfire.

Mm, I love bonfires.

One day we'll have a big, big garden
and grow lots of bonfires.

Wood smoke is the smell
I like best.

Hickory, for instance.
You ever smell hickory smoke?

- Never.
- I'll have to take you to the States.

Alternatively, I could get Cathy
to send us a few cans.

- They really can it now.
- She could bring it on her next trip.

Don't tell me
I detect a note of welcome.

You can't expect her not
to want to see your little baby.

No.

Hey, you're not?

(Laughing)

And this, I suppose,
is my little holiday surprise.

I don't really suppose
it was much of a surprise.

Well! Yeah, you really have to have
everything you want, don't you?

Aren't we supposed to celebrate?
What have we got to drink?

Here we are.

(Horn honking)

- We're getting further south, all right.
- (Horn honking)

- It's certainly getting warmer.
- Right.

(Horn honking, people shouting)

Why don't they overtake
if they're going to overtake?

Mark, fire!

- Where?
- Here! Us! We're on fire!

Ooh. Oh.

(Joanna) I can't see.

Oh. Ooh.

Ohh.

- Ohh. Mmm.
- Water!

(Screams) But where?

- Find some!
- Oh, here. Yes, here.

- Oh, it likes water!
- Stand back.

- What are you going to do?
- I'm going to stand back!

- I have telephoned the pumpers!
- (Joanna) The fire brigade.

Passeport, s'il vous plaît,
monsieur.

(Horn honks)

For heaven's sake, park the car
in the shade this time, Howie.

I don't wanna come out after lunch
to a red-hot car again.

What does
"Reservé à la direction" mean?

- Reserved for the management.
- Well, hell, we're the customers.

- Daddy?
- Hmm?

Why do you think
Red China's a bitch?

We can't stay here, Howie.

I meant that Red China was
a very difficult problem.

All right, Cathy,
I'm moving, I'm moving.

Over there, Howie, is perfect.

I saw them.

Daddy?

- Yes, Ruthie?
- Did you do that on purpose?

No, Ruthie, I didn't.
No, I did not.

No, Ruthie. No.

Ha-ha! Do you love me?

Now she asks!

Do you?

Confessions extracted
under torture don't count.

- Do you?
- Yes!

Okay.

You're going to get us
thrown out of here.

Actually, it's not a bad idea.

It's going to ruin us anyway.

Mm, this is heaven.
I could eat a horse.

You may have to. I hate to tell you this,
but we've just gone on a diet.

- But we haven't had any lunch!
- Baby, I'm not kidding.

At these prices,
we can't afford to eat here.

- (Groaning)
- No!

- I'm starving!
- You'll have to practise self-restraint.

(Sighs)

I am not hungry.

You are not hungry.

We are not hungry.

I am hungry.
You are not hungry.

Women in advanced state of pregnancy
should be very careful about overeating.

Advanced?
I've got eight months to go.

There must be some food shop
in that village.

I'm too worried about you
to dream of eating anything myself.

I'll tell you what, I'll slip down
to the chemist and get you... Guess.

Hamburgers?

Pills! That's right.

- Pills!
- Hamburger pills.

Large hamburger pills.

Don't let them see you
bringing it in.

- What about food?
- What about food?

We have to eat. Let's go
to the Domaine St Just. Why not?

I'm not dressed.

Last time we went there I was dressed
in soot and you were wearing a blanket.

I can change, if you want me to.

Change. I want you to.

I'm still not done up.

- Bonsoir, madame.
- Bonsoir, monsieur.

Bonsoir, madame.

- Bon appétit.
- Merci, madame.

Oh!

(Clears throat)

(Imitates Bogart)
The lousy cops plugged me, sweetheart.

(She gasps)

Pills! Hamburger pills!

(♪ Classical music playing)

What sort of people sit in a restaurant
and don't even try to talk to each other?

Married people.

You're the only woman I know who's
prepared to share her bed with a sardine.

I don't care what kind
of a sardine you are. I like you.

- Will you hate me when I'm bow-fronted?
- Undoubtedly.

- And will you be unfaithful to me?
- Blatantly.

- No!
- You promised I could.

You promised you wouldn't,
when we got married.

Would you mind undoing
what you did?

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Aren't you coming to bed at all?

- Tired?
- No.

I won't be long.

(Joanna) Shall I call your secretary
and make an appointment?

When did you start being
as snide as this?

Right after we got married, didn't I?

- Did we get married?
- Yeah. Remember?

When sex stopped being fun.

Oh, yeah,
and started being official.

Yeah, I remember.

(Clears throat)

I think that lovely little lake breeds
lovely little mosquitoes.

- I'll close the window.
- We'll suffocate.

(Mosquito buzzing)

(Mosquitoes buzzing)

- We'll have to pretend they don't exist.
- (Joanna) All right.

- Good night.
- Good night, little mother.

(They kiss)

- (Joanna) Mark?
- Hmm?

- (Joanna) They do exist.
- No, they don't.

- (Buzzing continues)
- Oh! They do.

- I have an idea.
- Hmm?

- (Mark) Sleep well?
- Very well.

- I had a dreamy dream.
- (Mark) Tell me the worst.

(Joanna) I dreamt you built us the most
beautiful little Wallace-designed house.

Uh-huh.

And I built us the most beautiful
little Wallace-designed triplets.

All we need right now
is a population explosion.

(Knocking)

Entrez!

Oh, you did not need
the mosquito net?

We managed without.

- No breakfast?
- (Muttering)

Religious reasons.

We've got to get out of this place.
This self-denial's killing me.

I'm sorry you were not able
to sample our restaurant last night.

Oh, so are we.
It was religious reasons.

Particularly when we have
to charge you an all-inclusive price.

- As you see.
- Beg your pardon?

High season, our price includes
dinner and breakfast always.

Always.

Thank you. I think the inspector is
waiting for you outside, monsieur.

Inspector?

Concerning the expenses
for the pumpers and such like.

- Ah.
- We will see you again, I hope.

Ah, merci.

What's French for "I don't believe a word
you're saying and you won't get a penny"?

- Oui, monsieur.
- Oui, monsieur.

- Plus trente mille francs.
- Oui, monsieur.

Et cinq mille plus deuxmille cinq cents
plus deuxmille cinq cents.

Plus deuxmille cinq cents.
C'est tout.

- C'est tout?
- C'est tout.

Um, et mille francs taxe.

- Tax?
- Taxe.

- Tax on what?
- Quelle taxe, Monsieur l'Inspecteur?

Taxe sur quarante deuxmille
cinq cents francs, madame.

- Mille francs?
- Mille francs.

Mais pourquoi mille francs sur
quarante deuxmille cinq cents?

- Mille taxe.
- Mais pourquoi mille francs?

- Mille francs de taxe, madame!
- This is literally highway robbery.

I mean, this is literally
highway robbery!

- Don't lose your temper.
- I'm not losing my temper!

Et mille francs pourle service.

Dispose of the wreck.

(Speaking French)

- Where?
- Oh, quelque place or autre...

Come on, Jo.

(Horn honking)

All right! Think I'm deaf?
I can hear you!

Oh, look!

(Yelling in French)

Well, we disposed of it.

(Laughs)

(Speaks French)

This is the life.

He let me down, I must tell you,
quite disgracefully,

so I'm looking for an architect.

My husband's an architect.

(Laughs)

So you put up buildings
as well as knocking them down!

- Corporation bus...
- He doesn't have a minute to spare.

Eh, what about now?

He has a minute to spare.

Ah, good, good, good, good.
We must talk, huh?

No, I must tell you,
I'm in a corner.

(Horn honks)

- Communists!
- Are you all right, honey?

Oh, yes.

Hey, Chantilly.
Isn't that in the guidebook?

- It could just be.
- Do let's stop.

I don't want Ruthie to be late
for her lunch today.

Oh, yes.
Well, it's off the main road.

Howie, I may as well warn you
before we get to Greece

that the Acropolis is off the main road.

Okay, okay.
This is a democratic trip.

(♪ Music over audio)

Really great to dawdle through
an old place like that, huh?

Joanna, I have to thank you.

I thought you didn't like Joanna,
Daddy.

Oh, Ruthie.

Of course I like Joanna.

Then why did Mummy say
she was a suburban English nobody?

Er... I think it may be very important

to the future
of our quadripartite relationship

er... to get that particular remark
into very clear context.

I think it might be best for the future
of our quadripartite relationship

if we accepted the fact, here and now,
that it has no future whatsoever.

Mark, please don't be too hasty.

We're through, Howard.
We're through.

Hey, those things took
a lot of arranging.

Now, you listen to me.
Try and imagine how Joanna feels.

I can see how Joanna feels.

She's going to feel that the whole trip
has been loused up because of her.

Howard, you're the most
complacent son of a...

- Abuse me if you want to.
- I want to!

You're going to dominate that girl
right out of existence.

I'm going to smash your face in,
Howie.

Well, that isn't a very adult attitude,
if I may say so.

Marcus, please,
that's the phonograph.

Mark, please.

Come on, Joanna darling.
Come on, sweetheart.

You haven't thought to ask Joanna
if she wants to abandon the expedition.

- Have you?
- Come on, baby.

Well, that, if I may say so,
is a very revealing usage.

Calling her "baby" at this point shows
you're prepared to do her thinking

and her deciding for her.

Now, I warn you solemnly, Marcus,

you're denying Joanna the right
to be her own paradoxical self.

Howard, you're the largest pocket
of untapped natural gas known to man.

(People arguing in French)

(Mark laughs)

They haven't even opened yet.

- What is it about?
- Who knows?

What do people have rows
about today?

Money, sex.

Sex, money.
He wants. She doesn't want.

She wants. He doesn't want.

(Mark) He thinks that the counter's
all in the wrong place.

The counter and display cases.
Very funny.

Yeah, that's marriage for you.

- That's marriage for them.
- Ah, that's marriage, full stop.

I'm allowed not to like Howard
and Cathy. They're my friends.

You never intended to enjoy the trip.

You were jealous of Cathy
before we set out.

(Joanna) It's not my idea of bliss
to be cooped up

with three Maxwell Manchesters.

(Mark) You promised
when we were married

you'd always be happy no matter what.

Why can't you always be happy
no matter what?

- Because I can't.
- You broke your promise.

I am happy usually.

I love you, if that's any good.

That's not the issue.

Well, if it isn't,
it should be the issue.

- You're right.
- I'm right?

You're right. Let's find a hotel.

1:00 in the afternoon?
What do we want a hotel for?

Let's find a hotel.

To hell with the Maxwell Manchesters,
mister, missus and miss!

In future, we travel alone,
together or not at all.

(Mark) 'My darling Joanna,

'so far all goes well.

'The car's nearly run in,
and my patience nearly run out.

- 'I miss you like mad.'
- (Horn honks)

'I drove nearly all night last night.

'Couldn't face one of our hotels
without you with me.

'I finally slept in the car

'quite near where we buried
the poor old burnt-out MG.

'I wish to hell
I hadn't had to make the trip.

'But I suppose, what,
with the house and Caroline,

'it's just as well
that I've got some work.

'At least this pays better
than corporation bus shelters.

'And it's a lot more interesting too,
let's face it.

'I think about you all the time.

'It's been a pretty
uneventful drive so far.

'It's a long, dull road
when you're on your own.

'All I care about is getting down there,
doing whatever has to be done

'and getting the hell back.

'When I'm not being woken at 3:00
in the morning, I feel very paternal,

'and I miss you both more
than I can say.

'Life's very flat.

'I shall probably drive on
overnight tonight

'and get down to the site
in the morning.

'Two or three sessions with the far-famed
clients should be more than enough.

'It's typical of me that
as soon as I get away,

'all I want to do is
to get back to you again.

'I won't write any more
at the moment,

'because I really do want to get on.

'As soon as I have a chance,
I'll drop you another line.

'Love... love... love... Mark.

(Horns honking)

'PS: next time we come away,

'we shall have our own little
Ruthiebelle with us.'

I don't want any more, Mummy.

- Do you want to finish it?
- Uh-uh.

Hmm. Mmm!

(Thunderclap)

Boiled egg for supper, Carol?

(Speaking French)

Make sure Carol doesn't fall
out of the window

or eat any chairs or anything,
darling, can you?

(Mark) Hmm.

While I wash out a few things
for the morning.

(Mark) Okay.

- Hey!
- Come on in.

Come here.

(Giggles)

- (Joanna) Hasn't it come yet?
- What?

- Carol's supper.
- Uh, no.

Well, couldn't you see
what's happening to it?

I thought you were watching Caroline.

I'm sorry, but I've got to see
the client tomorrow morning.

I thought I'd get this finished.

- I'll go.
- I'll go.

Don't bother.

Joanna, I'll go.

(Mark) It's not possible!
Where's our egg?

We've been waiting
half an hour for an egg!

(Speaks French)

(Shouts in French)

- I must ask you, monsieur...
- I must ask you, monsieur.

You are disturbing the other guests.

I want that egg here in five minutes,
or we're leaving.

We're leaving.

- Leaving?
- Leaving.

But Caroline's in her pyjamas.

Caroline can leave in her pyjamas.

They don't want us here?
We're not staying here.

I refuse to be insulted by
a fifth-rate doss-house, and that's it.

I ask you for a boiled egg, and
you come back with an eviction order.

I told you we're leaving.
Now let's go. Let's go.

(Joanna) He never got home
to early tea.

Do it again, Mummy.

The bumblebee, the bumblebee,
he flew away from the tulip tree.

He made a mistake
and flew into the lake,

and he never got home
to early tea.

Daddy, do the duck.

Quack, quack! Quack, quack!

Thank you.

It was all my fault. I know.

I've been telling Caroline
bedtime stories for an hour.

It would be nice if you could avoid
fortissimo for a while.

Look, I quit that hotel because
they didn't bring you what you wanted.

I didn't want a boiled egg.

I suppose Caroline has
nothing to do with you.

You were the one
who wanted a child.

Why don't you wake her up
and tell her that?

I don't want to tell her.
I'm telling you. I love Caroline.

- You don't know what love is!
- Shh!

You don't know what love is.

That's tough on me.

All you can do is take the salute
at an endless march past of yourself.

(Laughs)

I have an appetite. Do you?

It wouldn't matter who I was,
would it?

I'm willing to call it a day.
Do you want to call it a day?

You never wanted to call it
anything else.

You're damn right there.

Oh!

Joanna?

(Caroline groans)

We can't even have a fight in peace!

Oh, leave me.

Selfish.

(Gasps)

Oh!

They call it the Mediterranean,
my lady.

Hmm...
Come, it's time for a swim.

I don't understand sex.

Don't worry, it doesn't show.

Seriously, why is it we enjoy it more,
and it means less?

Because it isn't personal anymore.

Not personal?

That's right.

(Groans)

(Mark) "Too late," they cried.
"Too late!"

(Sighs)

Oh, I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.

I love you.

Find us a big bed.

- Tired?
- No.

Come on!

- End of romantic gesture.
- That didn't last very long.

- I believe in short romances.
- So do I. Short and happy romances.

- Last one in bed turns the light out.
- I'll beat you!

(Giggles)

Worth a try.

Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat. Cheat.

Oh.

(Moans)

You know what I dreamt?

What did you dream?

I dreamt that a train

drove slap-bang through the middle
of our room in the night.

Mr Freud, what big ears you've got.

Mm, the better to analyse you with,
my dear.

You said it.

Nothing at all to do with sex
whatsoever.

But I certainly am not
as frustrated.

That's your story.
Try and sell it to Freud.

(Engine roaring)

(Laughs)

Sexy, wasn't it?

Okay, you're not frustrated.

Ahh!

(Both sigh)

- Hot.
- Scalding already.

We shouldn't get
too much sun the first day.

I don't burn,
I've got asbestos skin.

- Get in. Come on.
- No!

In. In. Get your shirt off.

Come on. Come on.

- Come on!
- No!

Get in.

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

This must be very near
the Garden of Eden.

- Huh.
- Mmm.

Do you know what marriage is?

Hmm. You tell me and see
if we're thinking of the same thing.

Marriage is when the woman asks
the man to take off his pyjamas.

And it's because she wants
to send them to the laundry.

(Both laughing)

- Good?
- Yeah, very good.

I'm hungry. I'm thirsty.

- You're never satisfied.
- What's wrong with being hungry?

It's time you realised that all human
appetites are profoundly degrading

with the exception of lust.

I wonder if we could just clap our hands
and someone would bring us a menu.

Wouldn't it be nice
if we could just clap our hands

and make all these people disappear?

- Madame?
- (Speaking French)

Just as well,
you wouldn't really like it.

What'll we do?

Stand very still for several days.

- Maybe it'll go away.
- I don't want to stand very still.

I don't want to stand still at all.

Ow! Nor do I.

Come back next week?

Did that hurt?

(Both moan)

Mmm, Joanna, Joanna, Joanna.

Oh, it's the first time you've said
my name as if you really mean it.

Joanna. Joanna. Joanna.

Joanna. I really mean it.

We have a week, Asbestos.

- I'm not Asbestos.
- Mm, no.

You're not really going to rejoin
those poxy choir girls, are you?

I promised. We have a week.

- A week.
- Mm...

To hell with it.

It'll only hurt for a minute.

This is the life, eh, darling?

- Your wife is happy?
- Oh, yes.

It doesn't take much
to make her happy.

A villa, swimming pool, champagne,
simple things like that.

You're not angry?

- Angry?
- Not to be alone together.

No, we can always be alone together.

Well, I'm waiting now to hear
from Palamos about the meeting

and then I'll show you
the whole project.

- Well, if you're interested.
- Sure I'm interested.

Perhaps you'll have to stay
a few more days. Shall you mind?

I'll suffer. Game.

- Ready?
- Huh.

(Whistles)

Come on, darling, give.

(Gulps) Too late.

Come on, sweetheart.
We're playing.

Sweetheart, you've been playing
for two hours.

Merci. Hello?

Oh, Palamos.
I was going to call you.

Oh, I am calling you?
Oh, I see.

Honey, give me the ball.

No!

- Get the ball.
- You get it, it's your game.

- I've got sneakers on and things.
- Very pretty.

Did Françoise lend them to you?

- They're a guest pair. Get the ball.
- Mm, probably her son's.

- Get the ball.
- Or her grandson's.

Will you stop this insane jealousy
and get that ball?

There it is.

- Come on!
- No!

Put me down.
Put me down!

- Will you get the ball?
- Certainly not.

(Screams)

Get it!

Mark, we meet Palamos
for drinks at 6:00.

We talk about the whole scheme,
and then we make a decision.

Fine.

(Mark screams)

Now I've got my shoes wet.
I'll probably catch a cold.

Mark, how much longer
do we have to stay here?

You got us into this, sugar.

You sold me to Maurice,
and you were right.

A chance like this
doesn't come up every day.

Thank God.

- Lunch!
- Well, I see you at 6:00.

And then I bring
the genius with me, huh?

Ciao. Ciao.

Will you please sit down here?

Tonight, we all go to the gala,
and everything is fixed.

We'll see Palamos there.

I don't have any suitable clothes
for a gala.

- Then I borrow you.
- There you are, Françoise'll borrow you.

- Do you mind eating caviar?
- Oh, no, no, if we must.

- Do you like galas?
- Some galas.

Oh, please,
could you ring the butler?

(Mark) That's the only thing wrong
with this part of the world.

You don't get much of a sunset.

(♪ Band plays waltz)

Joanna, Joanna, Joanna.

How can a week pass so quickly?

We made the mistake
of enjoying ourselves.

Don't go tomorrow. Just don't.

Let's not talk about it. Let's not.

All right, we won't.
We won't. We won't.

We agreed.

Oh, quel gala.

You were marvellous, darling.
Absolutely marvellous.

- I was?
- And so funny.

The way you told the story
about the sunset.

You charmed the pants off Palamos.

That wouldn't be too difficult
to do, would it?

I knew you'd enjoy it
once we got there.

I hated it once we got there.

- Why?
- Why?

Why? Because I'm tired
of being a parasite.

I want to go.
I want to be on our own.

We haven't been here very long.

We've been here month after month
for two whole days.

But I'm going to work for the man.

Well, I'm not. I'm not.

Suits by Maurice.

What shall we call the baby?

Huh? Baby?

Our baby.

Oh, "the baby," I guess.

- What is it?
- I'm trying to imagine you fat.

- What is it?
- Trying to imagine you thin.

As I said to the duchess,

"If you wanna be a duchess,
be a duchess.

"If you wanna make love,
hats off."

(Seagulls squawking)

Darling, I'll meet you here, right here,
10 years from now. Is it a deal?

You'll be building skyscrapers
10 miles high by then.

You'll never be able
to get down in time.

I'll always think of this place as ours.

Here comes Daddy.

What the hell's the matter with you?

If you think I'll wait for 10 years,
and then turn up and say "what ho"!

- Nobody wants you to say "what ho."
- Say, "darling"...

- Or "darling" or anything else.
- I never want to see you again.

Then don't!

- I hate you!
- Joanna, listen.

We both went into this with our eyes open.
Nobody deceived anyone else.

So stop playing the ruined virgin.

It's a tune I've heard before,
and I didn't like it then.

Anyway,
you're the one who's insisting

on going back to your damn choir.

- Joanna, I don't want you to go!
- Yes, you do.

You just want me to become a beautiful
memory, the sooner the better.

Who said anything about beautiful?
Will you come here?

- I never want to see you again.
- Not much. Ow!

- As long as I live!
- Joanna!

- No!
- I've decided we should get married.

- What do you say?
- Yes!

- I won't ever let you down.
- I will you.

I don't care what you do,
just as long as I've got you.

Joanna Wallace.

Huh. You won't be sorry, sir.

- You will.
- Never.

Never, never, never, never.

David, we're all down here.

Caroline, I want you to have lunch
with Jeanine and Nanny.

Won't that be nice? And afterwards,
you all can go for a swim.

David, you are naughty.
We were expecting you yesterday.

- I am sorry.
- You are very naughty.

Who don't you know, hmm?

Well, this is Nick and Michelle.
You know them.

And Mark and Maurice.
Le comte et la comtesse.

Oh, have you met Joanna?

- Hello.
- Joanna Wallace, my brother, David.

- How are you?
- Hello.

She's tired and overheated,
and she has a headache.

But apart from that, she's fine.
Thank you very much.

Mark, I think you're horrible.
I think he's horrible.

(Nick) Mark, I have given Michelle
an island.

When you have finished here,
you must build us a nest.

- (Michelle) Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
- You'll be lucky, Nicky.

I am lucky. Ha-ha!

Oh, Mark, I must tell you.
I can't hear myself drink.

Henri!

(Blows whistle)

(Engine noise abates)

(She increases volume)

(Sighs heavily)

And they never got home to early tea.

(Church bells tolling)

- Good morning. Coffee?
- Good morning. Thank you.

S'il vous plaît?
Une autre tasse.

Caroline sends you her love.

- Did you spend the night here?
- Yes. It's very comfortable.

- You've stayed here before, have you?
- Once or twice.

Do you mind if I speak
with Joanna alone?

But of course.

Did you sleep in the same room?

Yes.

In other words, you...?

Jo...

Are you in love?

- Yes.
- After only one day?

- I see.
- I'm like that.

Are you?

How many times has this happened
before, you being like that?

Twice. You and David.

I thought I was going to last
a lifetime.

I never meant it to happen.

We just suddenly found that we...

Got on.

- If you like.
- Oh, I'm absolutely mad about the idea.

You really mustn't blame yourself,
you know.

You've got an infernal bloody gall,
I must say.

I don't bloody blame myself,
I blame you.

But that is ridiculous.

Look, Joanna's my wife,
or hadn't you heard?

Since some time
you have not loved Joanna.

- I am not taking her away from you.
- Oh?

No, we are simply going away
together for a time.

Thanks.
That's really set my mind at rest.

I am sorry we did not know
each other longer.

- It would have been easier.
- Yeah, and more fun.

Then you could've had the supreme
pleasure of taking your friend's wife.

- That's real kicks, huh?
- (Chuckles)

Hey!

Mark, why don't you come out?

Palamos won't mind.

Hey! Not that one!

There's still life in it.

Hmm?

The whole world is changing
out of all recognition.

Hmm.

There is no such thing
as permanence anymore.

No, I suppose not.

And we should be glad.

I suppose so.

What kind of people just sit like that
without a word to say to each other?

- Married people.
- Exactly.

It's so sad.

No, my darling.

That is not sad.

When something is finished,

one must say it's finished.

I'll always love you.
Always, always, no matter what.

- Hmm. No matter what?
- Yes. As long as I don't catch you.

- If you catch me, you can keep me.
- Oh!

(David) 'There comes a time
when we must grow.

'When the old things
are not amusing anymore.'

- How is that?
- Painful.

That was out, you pregnant little sow.
Plumb out. Leg before driftwood.

- Pregnant what?
- Pregnant sow.

- Pregnant what?
- Pregnant sow.

Hey!

(Laughing)

Ha, ha!

Well, you'll have to come out
eventually.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Mark! Mark!

Bastard.

(Growls)

Give us a kiss.

Well, you must decide.

I know.

(Door opens)

Hello.

Hello.

Well?

I'm back.

Enjoy yourself?

Yes, thank you.

But I missed you.

I did.

Why?

Because he's so serious.

I thought you liked people
who were serious.

But he's so serious.

You want me to make
some funny faces?

You don't need
to make funny faces.

Mark, I'm back.

You humiliated me.

You humiliate me...

...and you come back.

That's right.

- Thank God.
- (Sobbing)

Are you sure you remember
which one I am?

Oh...

(Sobbing)

- Oh!
- Joanna!

Joanna!

Joann...aargh!

(Giggles)

I've been stupid. So stupid.

- Oh, we've both...
- It was always me really.

You were always the one who...
I'm sorry.

- Oh, let's forget it.
- Can we forget it?

- Can you?
- I can.

I'm just glad you're back.
That's all I care about.

Well, I'm back.

- We should've parted then.
- Why didn't we?

I didn't have the courage.

You didn't have the courage?
What courage did you need?

The courage to see that
what was finished was finished.

And what was finished?

You know bloody well
what was finished.

Yes, I do. David and me.
And we finished. So?

You know as well as I do you're hoping
David'll be there. Why pretend?

I'm not pretending.
I do hope he'll be there.

- See?
- I like him.

And it'll give me someone to talk to,
when Maurice drags you off

for one of his 10-minute chats
for six hours.

I'm not having any 10-minute chats
with Maurice.

Ha!

Pin on a nice smile, darling,
we're almost there.

(♪ Disco music playing)

- Ah!
- Ah!

Joanna thought these would make
a nice addition to the living pit.

Oh, bless you both.
Prettier than ever.

Mm. Prettier than ever? Thank you.

Everyone is admiring the house
so much, I can't tell you.

Tell me, tell me.
I can't stand praise unless I have it.

Mark, this is a beautiful house.
Congratulations.

You must be the architect.

- Oh, I just love the high ceilings.
- (Mark) And the low floors?

Oh, precious! You're never
gonna believe this.

This is the wildest coincidence
imaginable.

But when I was en route
to the airport,

who do you think I should bump into,
metaphorically speaking, of course?

Howard and Cathy Maxwell Manchester
on their way back from the hospital,

where she's been undergoing surgery
for a particularly nasty cyst.

But I'm very happy to say the doctors
have given her a very hopeful prognosis.

Anyhow, they told me to be sure
to call you when I got to Europe.

What a charming couple you were
and everything.

So when I called Yvonne and
found out you'd built their new home...

- Well, you can imagine.
- What? Yes.

Isn't that the wildest coincidence
imaginable?

Yes, isn't it?

You've done the most fantastic things.
You must be a very happy man.

- Yeah, I guess so.
- Oh, and your wife is such a darling.

I've heard so much about her. You've
got a wonderful little boy, haven't you?

Oh, actually,
we've got a wonderful little girl.

Oh, that's right,
A wonderful little girl.

Anyway, I just want to tell you,
I'm so happy

to see a bright, talented man like you
break through to the top.

I wish Howard and Cathy
were here to see it,

because, believe me,
they believed in you right from the start.

- If not before.
- Come along!

Oh, hi. Listen...

- Mr Wallace? Telephone for you.
- Oh, thank you.

- Follow me, sir. I'll plug you in.
- A-ha...

Follow me. He plugs me in.

- They call you from America.
- Ah, they call me from America.

They call me from here,
they call me from there,

they call me from
every-bloody-where. Hello?

Hello, Hal. How are you?

It's Hal Van Benius.
Huh? So, what's the story?

It's fixed? Well, that's wonderful.
Wonderful.

Yeah, when do we start?

Yesterday? I can't do.
I have things I have to do yesterday.

Rome?

Rome, Friday? Yeah.

Yeah, I've got it. I've got it.

I'll see you then. Great. Bye.

- Rome, Friday.
- So you are very much a success.

Oh, incredibly much. Come on.

Shall we dance?

(♪ Music stops then resumes)

I think it is a little bit too early
in the evening for that.

Is it ever too early
in the evening for that?

Mark, Mark, you're here.
No one tells me a thing.

I'm repairing the electrics, which you
should've checked again incidentally.

And no one tells me
you're arriving.

There is a great many things
I want to discuss with you.

- Have you met my fiancée?
- Oh, how do you do?

Well, we go somewhere quiet,
then we have a long talk.

- I thought this was a party.
- Please, Mark, I have problems.

What's the name
of your fiancée again?

I don't know. I haven't asked.
What's your name, darling?

- Sylvia.
- Sylvia.

- Oh. She's very pretty.
- Mm.

But you have divorced Joanna?

I don't understand.
Well, anyway, the main question is...

The main question is,
when are you free?

Joanna, I want you to meet my fiancée,
Sylvia Albino. Joanna Wallace.

- David's been telling me about you.
- Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- I had a phone call from Hal Van Benius.

- And?
- I got the job.

Good.

Good?

You're going to the States?

- Only for two years.
- Then you must spare me 10 minutes.

- I need your advice, Mark.
- We'll see him in Rome on Friday.

Ten minutes, huh?

Oh, hi. I've heard the wonderful news
about you and this beautiful girl here.

I only wanna say that
if you two can be as happy

as those two wonderful people there,
and have a marriage like theirs,

you haven't got a thing
to worry about!

You see, Mark, my problem is
very simple, but very complicated.

So you must spare me
10 minutes, huh?

Oh, 10 minutes, please.

You see, you're the obvious man,
since it was your original conception.

I think it only fair that you see
what you can do. Because if...

Oh. Oh, everybody jump, please!

Everybody jump.

Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

I think you should be there
to supervise...

I hate those occasions.

I hate those occasions.
You love those occasions.

I love you.

- Oh, and I love you.
- Hmph.

- How long is this going to go on?
- How long is what going to go on?

The pretence that we're happy.

You've never pretended.
Who's pretending?

You are. That we're happily married,
that you wanted to stay with me.

- Those are two entirely different things.
- You don't have to tell me.

If you had someone you wanted to go to,
you'd be on your way.

- Why are you still here?
- Because I'm not you.

How long are you going to go on
resenting the past?

Who's talking? Just who's talking?

I'm talking. What would you do
if we got a divorce?

- Cry.
- Yeah? Like for how long?

I don't know.
Why would we get a divorce?

What if I died or I didn't exist?

If I hadn't had chicken pox,
I'd have had chicken pox. I don't know.

- I love you.
- Well, then. Well, then.

What would you do
if I didn't exist?

Probably marry David.

But you do exist.

You knew the answer,
so why did you ask the question?

Because I knew the answer.

There'll never be anyone else
like you in my life.

- You promise?
- I hope.

- It's you who can't accept it.
- What can't I accept?

Why do you stop the car
every time I say something?

What can't I accept?

That we're a fixture.
That we're married.

You go on about my leaving you,
when I'm always still here.

- Sure you don't want me to leave you?
- Positive.

Why do you think I'm here?

I don't know.
That's the whole thing.

That's the whole thing.
You never stop to think.

I've stopped to think.

Stop thinking.

(Indistinct whispering)

Now?

- Here?
- Mm-hmm.

- I love happy endings.
- You're just plain immoral.

How can it be immoral
if we're married?

We're going to have
to get a divorce.

(Horn honks)

- Come on, Howie.
- Okay, okay.

(Horn honks)

(Horn honks)

- You have to admit it, we've changed.
- I admit it, we've changed.

It's sad, but there it is. Life.

At least you're not a bad-tempered,
disorganised, conceited failure anymore.

You're a bad-tempered,
disorganised, conceited success.

Passeport, s'il vous plaît.

Wait a minute.

(Speaks French)

No, my passport's in here.
It must be in here somewhere.

I've got a very important
meeting in Rome,

and I've got to get through.

- Bitch.
- Bastard.