All language subtitles for S13E25 - The Southfork Wedding Jinx

NARRATOR:
Last on Dallas:

BOBBY:
I was there. I saw you.

Why were you there?

Why shouldn't I be there?

After all, Atticus is Dusty's father.

Why did Atticus go along with it?

He wanted all those people dead.

And he was perfectly willing
to let me do it for him.

But when Atticus died,
I had to improvise.

If that phone hadn't rung...

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

I'd be dead by now.

Oh, it would've been painless.

Clayton, I wouldn't do anything
to hurt you.

Atticus left his entire estate
to his son, Dusty.

All voting rights went to Dusty's mother,
Jessica.

Jessica?

No offense, Clayton,
but that lady is nuts.

- Maybe we should postpone the wedding.
- No way.

This wedding is gonna take place
despite rain, sleet, hail or Jessica.

And whose blood are we talking about
this time?

Cally's.

Yeah, by the time the boy gets back,
she'll be long gone.

You bastard.

You belong to me.

If you ever tell J.R. I found out...

...l'll have your license revoked
before you can even say "malpractice."

- It's over, J.R., you understand?
- What are you talking about?

Michelle and Inagaki.
You just couldn't stand us being together.

She was a sticky-fingered, shallow-minded
money pit and she would've bled you dry.

Sooner or later, he's gonna slip up
and stick his neck all the way out.

And when that happens,
we're gonna chop it off.

You bastard.

Cally?

What's going on? Where you been?

Oh, I'm sorry, J. R...

...but I just had this real powerful session
with our marriage counselor.

Well, I hope it helped.

Oh, it did.

- It helped me come to a big decision.
- Oh.

Well, I hope you're not planning
on doing anything rash.

At least not right away.

Mama and John Ross
are arranging their trips...

...and I wouldn't want them
to get upset before they go.

Oh, J.R.,
I've been making a terrible mistake.

Well, there are problems on both sides.
I think we can agree on that.

No, it's been my fault and all my fault.

Oh, you're too hard on yourself.

I mean, how dare I make
so many demands on you?

What gave me the right?

From now on, I plan
on being the perfect wife for you.

No more nagging or complaining.

I'll be 100 percent on your side.

What?

From now on, you can come and go
as you please.

You can see who you want.
You can be yourself.

I just want you to be happy,
and I figured it's about time.

Well, what happened tonight
to help you come to that conclusion?

Well, I guess I finally realized exactly
what that marriage counselor was up to...

...and now, everything makes sense.

Well, good. Good.

Well, I'll see you upstairs.

I love weddings.

Especially the ones at Southfork.

Ought to be good for a fight or two, huh?

Somebody's gotta wind up
face down in the cake.

That's traditional.

That's why I want you to be
my best man.

So we can avoid the usual trouble.

Okay, I will. I swear to you, I will. Ouch!

I'm sorry, Mr. Barnes,
but it would help if you stood still.

Send these tailors to Stephanie Rogers
and have them sew up her mouth.

You wouldn't have enjoyed
being governor anyway.

Still like to see her as a pincushion.

You're the head of the ORC, Cliff.
That's not a bad consolation prize.

So sick of being manipulated by women,
I tell you, you know.

Afton, Michelle, Stephanie Rogers.

Long time before I trust
another woman again.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

BOBBY:
Yeah.

Bobby, your 10:00 is here.
Elizabeth Adams.

BOBBY:
Oh, that's right.

Would you mind waiting
in the outer office?

Oh, of course, Mr. Ewing.

Elizabeth Adams. That rings a bell.

Ace Adams' sister. Remember Ace?

Ace Adams, boy,
best defensive tackle UT ever had.

- Yeah.
- What happened to him?

He died in a car crash
about six months ago.

- Left the company to his sister.
- No kidding.

Yeah. I guess she wants advice
on business or something.

- Phyllis, would you show her in, please?
- I remember her.

- She was kind of a homely, quiet woman.
- Yeah.

ELIZABETH:
Hi, Bobby.

BOBBY:
Well, Liz, you have grown up.

How many years has it been?

- Oh, I guess about a hundred or so.
- Yeah.

Congratulations. Your assistant tells me
you're about to take the plunge.

Yeah, a week from Sunday.

That's terrific.
Someday, I have to try that myself.

I'm sure you remember me. I was
a few years ahead of your brother at UT.

Of course. Chet Barnes.

Cliff Barnes.

Sorry. I've never been good
with faces or names.

You said you had some questions.

- Here, sit down.
- Yeah, thanks.

Well, as you know,
my brother left me his company.

Yeah, and a darn good one too,
for its size.

It's one of the best exploration units
in the state.

I'd like you to buy it.

All I'd ask is a fair price.

Why are you in such a hurry to sell?

Look at me.

I'm not exactly the oil-company type.

Plus, I live in New York.

With the right managing partner,
you can run it by phone.

Could be a hobby.

I have hobbies.

Dancing, Chinese cooking, chess.

Oh, what more could a girl want?

Unfortunately, Liz, I'm not in the market
for a new business right now.

And unfortunately,
you're the only oilman I know in Dallas.

Well, not really.

Cliff's the head
of the Oil Regulatory Commission.

Knows quite a bit about it.
Maybe he can help.

I don't suppose you'd like my company,
Cliff.

I would love your company.

For lunch.
I know most of the big players in town.

I can give you names.

Well, I'd like that.

All right. Let's go.

Okay.

Cliff, would you like
to change clothes first?

I gotta change.

I'll wait outside. Thanks, Bobby.

No problem. Good luck.

Now where were we? That's right.

You were telling me how you'd never
trust another woman again.

Unless her hobby is Chinese cooking.
Did you hear that?

[LAUGHS]

[HORSES NEIGHING]

APRIL:
Okay.

Where do you think
we should have the minister?

ELLIE:
Well, well, now what about over there?

And we could put the chairs there.

The flowers there and there and there.

Didn't Cally and J.R. Have the altar
facing the same way?

Oh, yes, they did.

I forgot.

If I were you...

...l'd do something completely different
from the way J.R. And I did it.

Hi, Cally. You feeling any better?

I guess I'm still a little
under the weather, Miss Ellie.

In fact, I'm gonna go see the doctor
this afternoon for a checkup.

By the way,
J.R. Tells me you're planning a trip.

Right. Clayton and I
are going on a tour of the Orient.

Well, I'm gonna miss you.

Well, we won't be gone that long.

Oh, Lord.
I forgot to call the caterer back.

Excuse me.

You and Miss Ellie seem to be getting on
real good.

I like her...

...which is a good thing,
considering I have to live in this house.

I suppose you'd like a place of your own.

Wouldn't you?

Well, I never really
had a place of my own.

My daddy died right after I was born
and my mama died when I was 3.

Oh, Cally, I'm sorry.

In a funny way, I guess Miss Ellie's
the only mama I ever had.

Look, there's something
I've been meaning to ask.

Shelley's not gonna make it
to the wedding.

I heard. James told me.

Would you be my matron of honor?

I shouldn't, April. It's just not my place.

Cally, please. I really want you to.

Well, that's just wonderful.

I knew you'd come to your senses.

I just didn't figure you'd do it
as quick as you did.

Well, I gave it a lot of thought.
Even though I didn't like it.

You had every right
to run Michelle out of town.

She was bad for business.

I knew you were just looking out for me.

Damn right I was, son.

Yep. I'm through with women.

From now on,
I'm gonna buckle down and kick butt.

- Gonna be looking for deals?
- Yep.

Oil deals and only oil deals.

After all, this is Ewing Oil.

- I'm a Ewing, right?
- Yeah, you sure are.

Say, how about some lunch, boy?

Thanks.

Boy, but I got about a hundred phone calls
to make, you know.

All right. See you at home tonight.

[CHUCKLES]

Looks like our little family's
really coming around, doesn't it?

Yep.

Your little family
sure is coming around, all right.

It's coming around to cut out your heart.

Look, I'm telling you...

...Ace Geophysical's got the hottest
R&D in the state.

Just its leading edge
in computer technology alone.

That makes it worth a bundle.

- Cliff?
- What?

I have an important question for you.
It's been bothering me all afternoon.

Shoot.

How on earth do you get your handkerchiefs
to behave like that?

- Like what?
- In such a fascinating manner.

You don't like it?

I love it. It's your signature.

Like those funny faces you make.

What funny faces?

And the way you twitch? It's charming.

Wait a minute. Am I being insulted?

You're being teased.

You should see some of the men
in my life.

You've got your Wall Street bores...

...your loudmouth lawyers,
your egomaniac art critics.

Somehow, I'm ready to trust you...

...just because you have
the most obscene appetite.

Well, I like you too.

Well, as long as it's not
just for my looks.

Oh, no, listen.

You're by far the ugliest woman
I've taken to lunch all week.

No, you're the only woman
that I've taken to lunch.

What, you don't date much?

No, I don't.

No, I gave it up, I'm telling you.

I've been burned so many times,
I should be carrying a fire extinguisher.

Well, it can't be that bad.

Bad, let me tell you how bad.

Maybe we should get back to business.

- Okay.
- Look. I'll make it easy on you.

You help me find a buyer for my company,
and next time, I can buy you lunch.

Who said I was buying lunch?
I thought we were going Dutch.

Now I remember your nickname at UT:
El Cheapo.

Okay, listen, you cook me
a Chinese dinner sometime...

...and I'll spring for lunch today.

What a guy.

Hey, don't worry about it.
Cheap men turn me on.

You gotta stay around Dallas for a while.

You are a breath of fresh air.

Well, most of my friends
have moved away.

I don't really have anyone left here.

Besides, Dallas is full of old memories,
and that's kind of sad for me.

At least let me show you around town.

Dallas has changed a lot.

I'd like that.

And when I told Dusty that Jessica
was his mother and I was not his father...

...I was surprised at how calmly
he took the whole thing.

Including the fact that he's now worth
$200 million in Westar stock.

Well, am I missing something?

LUC Y:
Well, there goes our quiet family evening.

CALLY:
Clayton just got back from visiting Dusty.

I hope you convinced him
not to sell stock to McKay.

BOBBY:
He can't, J.R.

The estate stipulated a waiting period
before he can put it on the market.

Well, the voting rights
are just as valuable.

That's why Dusty gave Clayton his blessing
to go to court, get them away from Jessica.

Well, good for you, Clayton.

Once you get control of that stock,
you can lay a little muscle on McKay.

Maybe even get him off the board
at Westar.

- That is not my intention.
J. R: Huh?

McKay and I
are already talking partnership.

- Are you out of your mind?
- J.R.

He's the enemy. You got him by the throat.
Don't cut a deal with him, bury him.

There's too much warfare
in this town now.

Besides, I kind of like the idea
of getting back into the boardroom.

Bobby, talk to him.
Tell him what he's doing is just plain dumb.

Well, J.R., I kind of like the idea
of Clayton being at Westar.

- It will help us keep a leash on McKay.
- Well, you're wrong.

You're all wrong,
and I'm not gonna stand for it.

Well, I'm sorry, J.R.

In a couple of weeks,
those voting rights will be mine...

...and there's nothing you can do
to stop it.

I'm here to see Lady Jessica Montfort.

It's a rather urgent matter.

I'm J.R. Ewing.

I'm sorry, sir. She's not allowed visitors.

I don't think you understand.

I have some very important documents
that she absolutely must sign.

Lady Montfort won't be allowed
visitors for another month.

Well, I don't have a month.

In that case, I suggest you leave.

Now, darling,
I know you can make an exception.

All I need is one minute
of Lady Montfort's time.

Lady Montfort
is under close observation.

Visitors are out of the question.

Well, I can slip these documents
through the bars as easy as pie.

I said no, Mr. Ewing.

Well, it's a nice little establishment
you got here.

I just love the white walls, yeah.

Very peaceful.

We try to keep it that way.

Yeah.

You know, I bet you you could use
some new equipment around here.

Maybe even a new wing.

Mr. Ewing.

After I talk to Lady Montfort,
I'd like to see the director of the hospital.

Please go.

You know, Nurse Richardson...

...l'm getting a little fed up
with this stubborn streak of yours.

If you value your job,
you'll do what I say.

I demand to see your supervisor.

Mr. Ewing, I have handled every kind
of sick mind imaginable.

You can twist logic, threaten,
bribe or cajole until morning...

...but you'll never outwit
a psychiatric nurse.

I've seen it all.

Here you go.

I'm not happy with this facility, nurse.

I'd like to conduct
a complete inspection.

Of course you'll get the full tour,
Mr. Rosemont.

Oh, this gentleman can just walk in.

Pardon me, maybe you can help me
untangle a little bureaucratic...

Are you speaking to me?

- Yes, I was wondering if you could...
- I don't like strangers speaking to me.

If I don't get my old ward back,
I just might get angry.

Show Mr. Rosemont to Ward 5.

Ward 5?

I'm not going to Ward 5. Ward 5 has rats.
There are rats everywhere in Ward 5.

There are no rats in this hospital,
Mr. Rosemont.

Mayfield, take Mr. Rosemont to Ward 5.

- Come on, Rosemont.
- I said, I want my old ward back!

If I don't get it,
I just might do something really, really bad.

[ROSEMONT WHIMPERING]

[ROSEMONT LAUGHING]

Give up, Mr. Ewing?

Yes, I suppose I should.

Man, this job is really starting
to get to me.

CLIFF:
So, what do you say?

ELIZABETH: It's sweet of you
to ask me, Cliff, but I couldn't go.

CLIFF: Why not?
Look, I thought all women loved weddings.

And wait a minute.
Who knows? You might catch the bouquet.

ELIZABETH: Please. Except for Bobby,
I don't know the Ewings very well.

CLIFF:
You know me, and that's what counts.

ELIZABETH:
But doesn't the bride have to invite me?

CLIFF: Hey, I'm the best man.
I can invite anybody I want to.

ELIZABETH: Well, if you insist.
- I insist. I insist.

Besides, it will be fun.

Hey, you never know
who's gonna wind up in the pool.

APRIL:
Home, sweet home.

At least until I become a married woman.

Well, Mama, what do you think?

It's lovely.

I should've visited sooner.

Well, it's not as nice as Southfork,
but at least here, I'm the lady of the house.

Do you feel like you won't be happy
at Southfork?

I just want Bobby and I to have
the best marriage in the world.

There's so little privacy there.

Well, it should be interesting
to meet everybody tonight.

Have you heard anything from Shelley?

Only that she loves her job
and she's making tons of money.

Oh, well, that should keep her happy
for about five minutes.

Oh, no.

She loves money.

Ten minutes, at least.

[APRIL LAUGHS]

Well, I'm so glad
you're finally settling down.

Any cold feet?

Mama, I have the hottest feet
of any bride this side of paradise.

[LAUGHS]
Oh, you.

J. R:
That's right, Harv, you heard me.

Well, you see what you can come up with
and I'll talk to you later, you hear?

All right.

Hello, Ratagan.

Sure took your time getting here.
I got a job for you.

You know that mental hospital
outside Denton?

Yes, sir.

Well, there's an attendant there
named Mayfield.

Pick him up and bring him to me.

Sure thing, J.R. What do you want
with a guy from a mental hospital?

Well, there's somebody in there
I wanna get a signature from.

And tell Mayfield
that I'll be supplementing his paycheck.

I think he'll come along pretty quick.

- After all, he is my kind of man.
- And what kind of man is that?

Bribable.

[BOTTLE TOP POPS & PEOPLE CHEERING]

BOBBY:
Come on, you guys.

Aren't we a little old
for a bachelor party?

CLAYTON:
Have fun, Bobby.

CLIFF:
Speak for yourself. Hit it, girls.

[BAND PLAYING LIVELY MUSIC]

Harv, I'm not gonna take no
for an answer.

Well, you keep working on it, hear?

Well, how difficult can it be
to get somebody into a nut house?

I know it's only been a...

I know it's only been a couple of days.

But you keep working on it and I will too,
so I'll talk to you later, hear?

All right.

BOBBY: You guys didn't have to go
to all this trouble for me.

CLIFF: Hey, face it.
These are your last few free days.

So why hold back?

Yeah, I wanna see how you Texans
kick up your heels.

Sit back and watch, okay?
Whose idea was this anyway?

Hey, Bob.
I gotta take credit for that, buddy.

Soon as I heard Barnes
was gonna be best man...

...I said, "We gotta have a first-class party
at his expense."

- No, we're splitting it.
- No, it's all charged to you.

And I did not spare the expenses,
I'll tell you that right now.

- Try the champagne. It's great.
- At $ 150 a bottle, it ought to be.

How much?

This is the best caviar I ever had.

At $200 an ounce.

How much?

I'd like to propose a toast
to my brother, Bob...

...on this auspicious occasion.

Good luck, Bob.

Thank you, J.R.

[BURLESQUE MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN WHISTLES]

Surprise, Bobby Ewing.

[CROWD CHEERING]

All right. Who hired the stripper?

CLIFF: I did.
JAMES: I did.

J. R: I did.
CLIFF: What, you did too?

JAMES:
You too?

[MEN WHISTLING]

I can't wait to see
what comes out of the cake.

[CHATTERING & LAUGHTER]

APRIL:
I don't know where to start.

Oh, why don't you start with mine.
It's the pink one.

- Okay.
- Here you go.

- All right.
- Mama.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

[APRIL GASPS]

Oh, Mama.

It was my grandmother's.

- And now it's yours, honey.
APRIL: Aw.

This is gonna be a beautiful wedding.

Oh, I can't wait.

Actually, I'm a little worried.

You know about the Southfork
wedding jinx.

ELLIE: Lucy.
- Oh, it's okay, it's okay.

There is a sure-fire method
to beat the jinx.

I can't wait to hear this.

Oh, I'm not sure I want to.

You just have to follow
three simple wedding rules.

First, keep everyone away from the pool.
Otherwise, someone will end up in it.

[ALL LAUGHING]

That's for sure.

And second, lock the bedroom doors,
and you all know what I mean.

Lucy, put an end to this, please.

And most importantly...

...find anyone with the initials J.R.
And chain him up in the closet.

Keep him there until after the ceremony.

After that,
you can live happily ever after.

Oh, April, I like your new family.

Maybe we better move on
to the next gift.

[BURLESQUE MUSIC PLAYING
AND MEN CHEERING]

STRIPPER:
Hi, Big Daddy.

Hi.

BOBBY: So the old elephant turns around
and says, "How's the house?"

[BOTH LAUGH]

A hatchet?

McKAY:
Something for us to bury.

I'd like to believe this town is big enough
for both of us.

I appreciate that.

Good luck on your wedding day.

Thank you. You going?

I don't belong here.

No. Excuse me.

- I'd like you to stay.
- I'd like to.

[MEN CHEERING]

[WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]

- It's about time you got here.
RATAGAN: It's a long drive from the hospital.

After our deal,
do you mind if I stick around?

J. R: You're not gonna stick around.
This is not a game.

- What are you laughing at?
- I'm not laughing.

Here's the deal.

You get Lady Montfort to sign
this document and I give you $ 10,000.

I had it dated and notarized
four weeks ago.

All you have to make sure is she signs
on this dotted line. You understand?

When it comes to these kind of people,
I'm the expert. Trust me.

You're my last hope, Mayfield.
Don't screw up.

All right, take him back.

Let's go.

Can we stay?

- Now, I don't want anyone to blush.
WOMEN: Oh.

Watch out. Psss. Whoo!

You get the good stuff.

WOMEN:
Oh. Whoo!

Well, you didn't wanna wear flannel
on your honeymoon.

I told you we'd see something good.

Yeah. We can always count
on Aunt Lucy.

APRIL:
Mm-hm.

The last one is from Sly,
Jackie, Kendall and me.

Although you may not wanna take it
with you on your honeymoon.

However, it may come in handy
when you get back.

At least we hope so.

[GASPS]

APRIL [LAUGHING]:
Oh, gosh.

Yes, I think it's a little bit early for this.

Well, don't wait too long.

I don't wanna be the oldest grandmother
in Springdale.

Can you believe that J.R.
Was once little enough for these?

Yeah, but I heard
his little booties had spikes.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

ELLIE: They're sweet.
KENDALL: Yeah.

[BAND PLAYING & MEN SINGING
"FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"]

[ALL CHEERING]

All right.

I wanna thank you all for tonight.
I had a wonderful time.

And I think we owe a special thanks
to Mr. Deep Pockets, Cliff Barnes.

You all... Yeah, now listen to me.

There is a fleet of limousines
waiting downstairs...

...for the less than sober
to be driven home.

Please take advantage of that.

And it was charged
to the account of J.R. Ewing...

...so we need to give him
a vote of thanks.

[MEN CHEERING]

Hey, J.R.

I think that Bobby
ought to give the last toast.

MEN:
Yeah.

All right, all right. All right.

Okay.

I realize that a lot of us in this room
have had our differences over the years...

...but it's nice to see the men of Dallas...

...put down their guns
and have a good time together.

MAN 1: Right.
MAN 2: All right.

This evening
has meant an awful lot to me.

MAN 3:
Yeah, the end of freedom.

[ALL LAUGHING]

On the contrary...

...I happen to think that marriage is one
of the greatest leaps of faith that there is.

And so I would like to propose
the final toast of the evening...

...to the wives
and the future wives of Dallas.

Cally, are you all right?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to spoil your party
by running off.

Did something upset you?

Seeing those baby clothes upset me.

Because you want a baby so badly?

I am gonna have a baby, April.

I'm pregnant.

It happened the very last time
J.R. And I made love...

...when we were down
in that little town of Pride.

Just before our marriage
started to fall apart.

What are you gonna do?

Have you told J. R?

I want this baby, April. I really do.

It's J.R. I don't want.

Can you leave him?

With this, I mean?

That's the point.

How can I take a child away
from its father?

Away from a big family
who will give it love?

I'm 25 years old...

...and sometimes
I still cry myself to sleep...

...because Mama and Daddy died
before I ever got to know them.

I can't even remember their faces.

And because of that, there's a part of me
that's always been missing.

So no matter how much I hate J.R.,
how can I do that to my baby?

Thank you.

April, you look so beautiful.

She does, doesn't she?

- Your hair is perfect.
- Oh, what a bouquet.

LUC Y:
Don't forget your garter.

I'll bring some champagne up here.

JAMES:
You okay, John Ross?

Yeah, sort of.

Come on. Talk to me.

I'm glad you and Dad
are getting on better.

Yeah, it will be quiet here for a while.

But hey, no matter
what happens between me and J. R...

...you and I
are always gonna be brothers.

You understand that?

Yeah.

I guess I better go check on Christopher.

- Ready to rock 'n' roll yet?
- Yeah, just about.

- I'm real excited, Dad.
- Yeah, me too.

You get a new mama,
I get a pretty new wife.

- Good deal, huh?
- Yeah.

Give me five.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, I said, "I know what's gonna happen
to the price of oil, I just don't know when."

[MEN LAUGHING]

Oh, gosh.

You'll all excuse me, will you?

Adele.

- About time you got here.
- As promised, signed, sealed and delivered.

Can't wait to see the expression on Clayton
and McKay's face when they see this.

What's going on here?

What's wrong?
She signed it right in front of me.

What kind of game are you playing?
Take the money and run?

What are you talking about?

Before you forge any more signatures,
you better learn how to spell.

Jessica is with two S's,
Montfort with a T.

Well, she wouldn't sign, I mean,
no matter what I tried.

What can l...?

Get this moron out of here.

- Miss Ellie, Clayton Farlow, meet Liz Adams.
- Hello.

Liz is my date.

Actually, you might have met her before,
because she is Ace Adams' sister.

Didn't your brother
played football with Bobby?

You have a good memory.

Actually, I visited Southfork once,
a long time ago.

It really hasn't changed very much.

Well, she's filled out a lot since then.

Cliff, you have the most charming
lack of discretion.

I'm just telling it like it is.

Oh, Lord. Bad day just turned worse.

J.R. Ewing.

Well, maybe there is a ray of hope.
Do we know each other?

Liz Adams. We met at a football party
about 20 years ago.

Well, I'm sure we had fun.

I kicked you in the shins
for picking on my brother.

[CLIFF LAUGHS]

ELIZABETH: If you'll excuse me,
I have to go powder my nose.

I'll show you.

McKAY:
Over here.

McKay. How come you always show up
at Ewing parties?

Bobby kindly invited me.

I suggest you be a little more polite
to my partner, J.R.

He's not your partner yet.

Only a matter of time
before I have voting rights.

Then we can all enjoy the novelty
of a Westar board member...

...sitting at the Ewing dinner table.

The only reason he wants you
for a partner is to neutralize me.

It's not the only reason,
but it's certainly is a nice bonus.

I'll wager your little business marriage
ends in divorce...

...long before the honeymoon is over.

Weddings always did make me cry...

...but I got a feeling
this one's gonna take the cake.

- Harv.
- J.R.

I gotta find a way
to get that woman's signature.

I've tried every connection, every bribe.
You name it, nothing works.

You've tried patience?

Oh, come on.

A couple of more weeks,
it will be too late.

- You want my advice?
- That's what I'm paying you for.

Accept the fact that Clayton
and McKay are gonna be partners...

...and adjust your strategy accordingly.

There's got to be some legal way
of getting me in into that booby hatch.

Well, you could have your wife
commit you.

[LAUGHING]

CLAYTON: Ladies and gentlemen,
will you please take your seats?

The wedding is about to begin.

Excuse me, we'll talk later.

Yeah, yeah.
You go have some fun.

CLIFF: Oh, is the groom ready?
- I think so.

- You got the ring?
- I got it.

Mama.

You ready?

You're gonna be very happy, Bobby.

I know it.

Here comes the bride.
We better get out of here.

CALLY:
You look so beautiful.

ELLIE:
She certainly does.

CALLY:
Gorgeous.

Welcome to the family, April.

APRIL:
Thank you.

Okay, come on, girls.

PRIEST: Do you Bobby James Ewing,
take April Stevens...

...to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Do you April Stevens,
take Bobby James Ewing...

...to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

By the power vested in me...

...by the county of Braddock
and the state of Texas...

...I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

I love you, April Stevens-Ewing.

I love you, Bobby James Ewing.

I'll be back in a few weeks...

...and when I come back
I will bring you presents.

- No more Russian perfume, please.
- No, no. Just French this time.

JAMES:
Have a good one.

Watch out for those mademoiselles.
You're a married man now.

Have a wonderful time.
Company is in safe hands.

I know that. I know. Goodbye.

- Bye, Bobby.
- Bye.

Well, I think I need a vacation myself.

A week or so deep-sea fishing,
something like that.

JAMES: I'm going back to Southfork
to say goodbye to everybody.

- I got a date with my motorcycle.
- See you back at the ranch.

Well, I got a meeting to finish. Ladies.

Well, now, where were we?

These are the documents
you'll have to sign.

That's no problem
and after that you'll take care of the rest.

Of course, you do understand the danger,
don't you?

Well, that's why it's up to you
to see that nothing goes wrong.

Mr. Ewing, is there no other way
you can accomplish this?

You're taking quite a risk.

Just meet me there at 7:00.

I'll be the only one dressed in black.

LUC Y: Why does this remind me
of rats leaving a sinking ship?

[CLAYTON & LUC Y LAUGH]

Oh, poor Cally.

She's the only one not going anywhere.

- Why don't you come with us to London?
- Yeah, you'd like the Tower of London.

They got all these headless ghosts
and stuff.

You could always come to Italy with me.
I know Alex would love to see you.

Or to Hong Kong with us for that matter,
if you need a change.

That's sweet of you all,
but I'll be fine, really.

Now, y'all have a good time.

Here comes the honeymooner.

What this family needs
is an in-house travel agency.

[CLAYTON CHUCKLES]

Oh, Cally, do you have a second?
I'd like to talk to you.

Sure. How about my room?

I don't like leaving you alone like this.

You've got your honeymoon ahead of you.
Don't you worry about my problems.

Have you decided
what you're gonna do yet?

If only J.R.
Would give me some kind of sign...

...that it's possible for us
to live under the same roof.

Well, maybe after we're all gone,
you two can work things out.

Maybe.

Here are the keys to my condominium.

If you need a place to get away...

Well, I could water your plants.

Just take care of yourself.

And stay in touch, okay?

Okay, I will.

ELIZABETH:
If I keep eating lunch with you...

...l'm gonna have to trade modeling
for sumo wrestling.

I thought I'd convinced you
to be a Texas oilwoman.

I'm still not sure that's for me.

Wouldn't have to eat a carrot stick again.

[ELIZABETH LAUGHS]

ELIZABETH: Thanks for your all advice and
all the people you've been introducing to.

- It's the most fun I've had in ages.
- It doesn't have to stop, you know.

ELIZABETH: There seems to be plenty
of buyer interest in Ace's company.

Selling won't be a problem.

Look, I'll be honest with you.
I don't want you to go back to New York.

If only because I've never met a woman...

...with such a high tolerance level
for the real me.

I wanna kiss you. Can I kiss you?

Only if I can have a souvenir
of this magic moment.

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

WOMAN:
Oops. Excuse me.

- Whoa. What's that?
- What?

The gun.

I live in New York, Cliff.

I work in odd parts of the city
at odd hours.

I swear, I'm not a hit man. Honest.

Bye, Luce. Have a wonderful time.

- I'll be full of stories when I come back.
- I bet.

BOBBY: Do you have the tickets, honey?
We're gonna be late now, come on.

LUC Y: I'll miss you too.
BOBBY: Thanks.

CALLY: Bye.
BOBBY: Bye, Cally.

CALLY: Bye.
CLAYTON: Bye, Cally.

LUC Y: Bye, Cally.
ELLIE: I'm coming. I'm coming.

[FOOTSTEPS APPRO ACHING]

Hey, Cally.

I thought you'd be here
to see the family off.

Oh, I said my goodbyes this morning.
I had a lot of work to do.

Would you like a drink?

No, thank you.

J.R., there's something
we have to discuss.

Oh, you know, that reminds me.
I got some papers I want you to sign.

Yeah.

What are they?

Nothing special.
Just some tax documents, you know.

Here you go, darling, right here.

Thank you, Cally.

Can we talk now?

Yes, we can talk,
but it's not gonna change the facts of life.

What do you mean by that?

I think it's time you learned a hard truth.

With Mama and John Ross
safely out of the way...

...I want you out of the house.

Now, here's a check for $200,000.

You can keep the clothes
and the jewelry I gave you.

And you don't have to be in a rush.
I'm gonna be gone for about a week.

But when I get back,
I want you packed and gone.

I don't wanna see your face again.

Not here in Southfork or in Dallas.

JAMES:
Cally, are you here?

Cally, are you all right?
J.R. Left you like a bat out of hell.

I'm gonna have J.R.'s baby, James.

Only he's never ever gonna hold it,
or touch it or see it.

God is my witness.

You'll see he's being committed here
for evaluation.

His wife has requested
an order of protective custody...

...and Judge Jacobson has signed it.

Is there a problem?

I guess not. It's all here.

Well, nurse, I think
I'm gonna enjoy your little funny farm.

Now, don't you think it's time
for someone to show me to my suite?

NARRATOR:
Next on Dallas:

[MAN LAUGHING]

MAN: Whoever you thought you were
on the outside, Mr. Ewing...

...doesn't matter in here.

[LAUGHING]

What is this?
Abandon hope all ye who enter here?

- Unless you can prove otherwise.
- How do they treat you here?

[LAUGHING]

Elizabeth Adams.

- Who are you calling?
- The best, most expensive divorce lawyer.

- It goes to a corridor?
- Leads you right to heaven.

- What about the attendants?
- You ain't gonna see anything. Go on.

We have to locate J.R.

I'll find out. Believe me.

MAN:
Newspapers called her the Black Widow.

Oh, why?

She's a woman
with insatiable sexual appetite.

By the time the authorities caught up with
her, she had disposed of four husbands.

Sure you can copy J.R.'s signature?

I'm an artist.
Besides, I've seen it a million times.

And the rest is up to me.

[MAN SCREAMING]

[ENGLISH SDH]