All language subtitles for Aroused.

I played some weird games
with girlfriends.

We were just...

and I didn't know
that was sexual.

I didn't know what sex
was, to be honest.

We had five weeks of sex
education at private school,

I still didn't know
I had a vagina.

He was in
a punk rock band

and I had the biggest
crush on him.

I was with him,
like, off and on

for two or three years.

I thought he was the
greatest thing in the world.

I kept asking him
to marry me.

I look back and I go,
what the heck, you know?

Like, I was
15 years old.

Like, what was I thinking
about marriage already for?

I've been doing it
since I was 13.

I didn't know
how sex really happened.

I only saw,
like, Blue Lagoon

and I saw them, like,
get on top of each other.

So when I had
my boyfriend

and he tried
to have sex with me,

and I was, like,
you're doing it wrong.

And he's, like, how do you
think people have sex?

And I was, like,

you just get on top
of me and rub like that.

He goes, no,
it goes inside.

And I was like, no,
it hurts.

And he said, okay,
turn over

and we just did anal for,
like, a year and a half.

? Are we under attack

? In this zone?

? Tell me your name

? Is it for fame?

? Are we under attack

? In this zone?

? Tell me your name

? Visual frame

? Are we under attack

? In this zone?

This is not
a story about pornography.

This is a story about women,

their dreams, their desires,
and their lives.

I had an idea
for my third fine-art book

to take images of the most
sexualized women on the planet

and portray them
in a totally different light,

strip away
the porn-star mask,

allowing for their true
essence to shine through,

as the exaggerated image
of a porn star

has stuck with us
for so long.

As an artist,
I felt the need

to change the way we view
these women visually,

yet I was unaware

of the bigger picture
that would unfold.

I called my friend Mike Moz,

a veteran in the adult
entertainment world,

and asked him
to put together

a group of some of
the most successful names

in the business.

Yet I soon realized
that many people around me

started to ask
why would I immerse myself

in the world of pornography,

which is still perceived
by so many

that know nothing about
the business as taboo.

It was this reaction
that opened my eyes,

taking this project
to a whole new level,

raising many questions
in my mind

as to why porn stars

are looked down upon
in our society,

yet we watch their movies
for our own sexual pleasure,

and the fact that we use sex

as our ultimate power tool
in many areas of our lives.

So I took on a house
in the Hollywood Hills

and brought my creative team
together,

invited 16 women
currently in the business

to pose for my art book

whilst filming
the making of the process

for a documentary,

and from this
Aroused was born.

During the three hours I was
going to spend with each girl,

I planned to ask questions
about their lives,

creating a platform
for their voices to be heard.

So here we are
preparing to meet

some of the most
successful women

in the business of sex.

It's easy money,
but is it easy being naked

and having sex with someone
you don't know?

At first, no,

it wasn't.
I'm sure.

It wasn't.
I was very timid.

I didn't really
move my body.

You could tell
I was a little...

if you see some
of my earlier scenes

and you do some research
on Misty Stone...

Yeah, right?
Can't wait.

Which I'll wait until after,

because I wanted
to meet the person.

Oh, I dig it.

I don't want to meet
the porn star.

And if I'd known
and seen the work before,

I wouldn't... couldn't look at you
in the same light as this.

I feel like this is
a very innocent place

for me to be sitting.

No matter who I meet,

I feel like that
blank canvas to me is...

because then it's a genuine
I-want-to-get-to-know-you.

It's after
that I can see your work

and then go, wow, so she said
this and she's done this.

And I think that's
when the story unfolds

in a different head space
for me.

Oh, my goodness,
she's so awesome.

Wow, I love that.
But it's the truth.

Mike's bringing...
sent me some Wikipedia

so I know who you are,
of course.

I'm not used
to this treatment

because, honestly, we get
treated so differently

because of what we do,
you know what I mean?

So you wanting to
really get to know me?

Oh, my goodness, do you know
how that makes me feel?

Amazing. Thank you.

Really?
Yes.

My first tattoo
is my mom's signature

of her first
and middle name.

She is my best friend.

We both died in my childbirth
and were revived.

I mean, we've been through
everything together.

My mom and I talk
about everything.

When I was 13 years old,
to push her buttons,

I said, Mom, what would you do
if I became a stripper?

She said, well,
if you're gonna do it,

make sure that you dance
in a city

where you'll make
a lot of money

so that your time
is worth it.

I looked a lot different
in school.

I was very...

I was very Puerto Rican.
Really?

I had long, burgundy,
scrunched-up gelled hair,

glued-down bangs
and big loop earrings

and big bubble jackets
and, like, 18 pairs of Nikes

and Taylors and stuff.

And then I just changed,
you know.

I left school very young
to go to beauty school.

I was always, I would say,

growing up,
I was a daddy's girl.

I always was with my dad,
but as I got older,

I feel like... 'cause
my parents got divorced,

so I lived with my mom,

so I felt like I was forced into
a relationship with my mother

if I wanted to have
a social life.

I come from
a really big family.

There's eight kids.

And I do remember my dad
was very...

You know, he was a bishop
and he was in the Air Force,

and so he was always gone.

He had too much to do,

and so, like,
there's always been

this huge desire
for attention in me.

I moved, like,
55 times as a kid.

Shut up.
Swear, yeah.

That's, like, when
I stopped counting.

My parents divorced
when I was young,

so I didn't grow up...

I had my stepdad, but...

Right, but not
with your dad.

No, mm-mm.

Didn't see him or just...

No, mm-mm.

Out of the loop.
Mm-hmm.

Still out of the loop?

Prefer not to see him.

I make a choice,
a valiant choice

not to participate
in seeing him.

My mom was taking care of
my brothers and sisters,

but because my mom had me
when she was 15 years old,

my grandparents
had always raised me.

My grandpa
was always my dad,

and so it was actually...

now that I look back on it
as an adult,

I really... I cherish
that they were there

to take care of me,
you know,

because my mom was so young
that, who knows, you know.

With young parents,
you just never know.

I moved in with my dad
for a couple of years.

It was a very turbulent
situation.

When I turned 16,

he kicked me out
and that was that.

And we didn't talk again
until just a month ago.

23 years of my life,
we didn't talk.

I would go to school
with a full face of makeup

and, like, my hair,
like, flat-ironed.

And the teachers are, like,

"Why don't you go
wash it off?"

And I didn't get it,
you know.

I thought
it was embarrassing

to be seen without
a full face of makeup.

Literally at, like,
10 years old,

I thought
I was a little woman

because I was kind of,
within our little family,

grasping to try to assume

this, like, adult,
maternal role, you know,

because
it just wasn't there.

My family was raised...
half was reform

and half was Catholic.

And then personally I was
raised nondenominational

and then I married
a preacher when I was 18

who was missionary Baptist.

So that is how religious
my background is.

I used to, like, teach vacation
Bible school to the kids

and Sunday school and
all those wonderful things

that I still truly
totally believe in.

I haven't lost my religion.
I still believe in God

and I still have the things
that I, you know, relate to

as far as religion goes.

And for me, I still think
that no matter who God is

or what God you believe in
or what you want to think,

you should still be able
to live your life

the way you think
is best humanly possible.

I went to private
Christian school.

I mean, I was no
stranger to the Bible.

I've read it
inside and out.

Like, I remember I had
to memorize a new verse

every single day
and recite it.

I was schooled
in the religious way.

I was at that church
six days a week.

There'd be two services.

There'd be Sunday school,
then church on Sundays.

Monday through Friday,
I'm in school

and then I'm in daycare
till my mom gets off work,

which is Christian daycare.

Missionettes on Wednesday,

which is like
Christian Girl Scouts.

And then Saturday
occasionally I'd get drug in

'cause my mom
had choir practice.

So I lived at that church.

And even then, I remember
I would sit in class

and they would say something

and it just
wouldn't make sense.

They would say something

that defied logic

even to a third-grader.

And, um... so I just...

I didn't feel
any guilt about sex

by the time
it got down to that.

Church was, like, forced.
You know what I mean?

When I was really, really
young, I was all about it.

I loved going
to Sunday school

and, you know,
things like that.

I was, like, sort of
the preacher's pet,

I guess you could say.

That sounds kind of sexual.
It wasn't at all.

Just that I was, like,
you know,

the shining little star
in the bunch

and had all of Genesis
memorized

by my fourth birthday,
you know.

But then one day,
I just woke up

and I realized
that it's just a story,

at least in my opinion.

I respect
any and all religions

as long as, you know,
they're about, you know,

the greater good of all.

You know what I mean?

But for me, I just kind of
came to look at religion

as, like, a placebo
that people need

to get them through
dark moments

and to sort of
guide their ships.

But I just kind of
went renegade

and decided I didn't want
any of those things, you know.

You know who I love?
Deepak Chopra.

First time I went
to one of his seminars,

I hate to tell you,
it changed my life.

Changed my life.

Just how he says,
you know,

think about loading all these
things into your suitcases

and how heavy it's gonna get

and all those little things
that just...

Yeah, you know what?
You're right.

Made a difference.
Let it go.

Do you have a strong
religious connection at all?

Mm-mm, no.

My mom's Catholic,
you know.

I was baptized Catholic,
but, no, we didn't really...

You know,
we had a pretty...

I pretty much was able
to do whatever I wanted,

which is probably
why I'm here.

I just was very naive
and didn't really, like...

I grew up being scared
to say what I really felt.

You know, I think my mom's
intentions were good,

but she really
raised us kids

to kind of suppress that.

You know, like,
don't speak up kinda.

And that kind of hurt me
in a lot of ways.

Growing up, it was,
like, man, you know...

Being 30 years old now,

I'm finally being
able to go, okay,

I can say this
and it's okay,

and I'm not gonna,
like, get hurt

and these people aren't gonna
be angry at me, you know.

It was a lot of work
to be able to do that.

But I think
one of the reasons

that's it's so common

for girls in adult not
to have fathers in the home

is not really because
they're damaged,

but because there's not
someone there to disappoint.

I mean, it's one thing

to disappoint your mom
like that.

It's another
to disappoint your dad.

And if you don't have
a dad to disappoint,

that barrier is not there.

And so lots of people,
especially now,

are children of divorce

and one-parent homes and
everything, but it's just...

I find with adult
that it's always

just a matter of how many
barriers were there,

because there are barriers.

It's a social no-no.
It's taboo.

So if it's a child
coming in from foster care,

they have no one
to disappoint.

If it's a child coming in
from one parent,

especially the mom,

they don't have a dad
to disappoint.

If it's a child... you know...
And they're not fucked up.

They don't have to worry
about that responsibility.

If it's a child
who moved around a lot,

they don't have the roots
in the community

that they can disappoint.

And so the less
grounded you are

into a community
and a family,

the easier it is to go off
and do things

that go against that.

Listening to these stories,

I also wanted
a different perspective,

so I approached an agent

and veteran
of the adult industry.

People who don't know
our industry will say,

well, surely they wanted
to be a Hollywood actress.

No, they didn't.

They're not
failed actresses.

They've been promiscuous
all their lives

and when they reach 18,
you know what?

I'm giving it away
for free.

I might as well
do it on camera.

They don't think,
well, in the future

it might hinder
a normal relationship

or it will be difficult
to raise children

knowing that one day
that's gonna come up.

We want 18-year-olds
because they're fresh,

because they have
tight bodies,

and because that's what
a lot of guys who jerk off

want to jerk off to.

They don't want
to jerk off

to a woman that looks
like their wife

even if their wife
is beautiful.

So the first
three years,

if they work
from 18 to 21,

none of them are smart.

I don't care
who they are.

They're gonna blow through
$150,000, $250,000.

So for that,
I would like them...

spend 18 to 21,
get some education.

See if this is really
what you want to do

because you will have
a scarlet letter on you.

You will.

The more time I spent
getting to know these women,

the more
I kept thinking about

the changes in the world we live
in regarding our views on sex.

We frown upon these women
in the sex industry

who are making films to fulfill
the ever-growing demand.

Yet if there was no need
for porn,

these women
would be choosing

a completely different
life path.

Sex is everywhere

and right in front of our noses
on a daily basis,

somewhat distorting
its sensuous roots.

One can see advertising
up on giant billboards

trying to sell a product,

yet the subliminal message depicts
some sort of sexual innuendo

stating that sex holds
the power and without it,

this product
holds no value to you.

From the media with its
mainstream publications

to the high-art intellectual magazines
that sell across the globe...

reality TV shows
that stream uncensored

live on the Internet
all day, every day...

to the pop icons
we so love and adore

who use their sexuality

to pull you into their
extraordinary world...

ultimately, sex sells.

Yet why are we so willing
to let sex be the indicator

as to whether
something tastes better,

runs faster,

or makes you look and smell
more attractive?

The lines are blurring

between the messages we are
sending out into the world.

Whether you think sex
is the root of all evil

or the thing that connects you to God,
everyone is partaking in a sacred ritual.

So ultimately,
how far are we willing to go

to forget the true power
of who we really are

as we are letting go
of our innate sensuality

for our obsession
with sexuality?

When I first came into the business,
I couldn't say the word blowjob.

Forget throat fuck

and fisting.

And after about
three months of working...

I don't know if you know him...
Clive McLean is his name.

He shot for Hustler for
29 years before he died.

And they have a beautiful
ranch in Sunland,

and, okay, I've become
adjusted to the porn life,

and after three months,
I went up there

and I said,
put the kettle on.

I need to chat to you.

I said because, morally, I don't think
women should sell themselves for sex.

I said,
so if I don't believe

what they're doing is moral,
what sort of person am I?

I'm getting a paycheck
off of their pussies.

It makes me worse.

Someone's gonna
do your job, Fran,

and there's always
gonna be people like you.

And they can either choose

to have someone that doesn't
give a shit about them

or someone like you

who might actually care
about them.

I never believed I would
actually do it, you know.

It's one of those things

where I think
the greatest reservation

lies in people discovering you

and treating you differently

because of what you do,
you know.

And I was always
petrified of that.

I knew that there was
a lot of money to be made,

and so that
was the motivation.

Anyone who tells you
it isn't is full of shit.

An agent approached me

and said we'd like to bring you
out to California.

We see that you do some...
We see that you do nude work,

and all you would be doing
is Playbolevel.

And so on my first shoot
when they said, "Okay,

now we're gonna film,"
I go, "Film what?"

And they said,
"Your solo scene."

And I said, "Of course it's
solo, but what are we filming?"

They go,
"Your masturbation scene."

I go, "I hate to admit this

"and you're not gonna believe me, but
I've never masturbated in my life."

And they go, "Well,
how is that possible?"

I go, "I always had
somebody to do it for me."

But I sat there just
deer-in-the-headlights

and I said, "So how much am I
getting paid for the day?"

And they told me
and my jaw dropped

because not only was that
the biggest paycheck

I'd ever gotten in one day,

that's the biggest check
I'd ever gotten in my life.

I get paid to have sex.

Like, why doesn't
everybody do that?

We do it for free
all the time.

If you can make money,
why not?

I remember going online
to find an agent

because I wanted
to do nude modeling.

And when I went there,

I went in, took
my Polaroid, of course.

And when I walked out,

I guess I didn't really
pay attention

to what was hanging
on the walls.

And it was a hardcore
adult company.

And I was, like,

well, that's not, you know,
what I signed up for.

I was just trying
to do, you know,

nude modeling like
Penthouse style stuff.

And the owner of the company

and one of the directors
loved me so much,

they were, like, please,
please, please do this.

He was, like, we'll pay you
a better amount...

you know, we'll pay you
this amount of money,

which was better
than any other girl

was getting at that moment.

And they said if
I didn't feel comfortable,

if I didn't like it,

I didn't have to sign
the model release

and they'll still pay me.

So giving me
that freedom to choose

whether I like it or not
during it,

not a lot of people

get that first experience
in the business.

So elongate a female
performer's career.

The idea is you come in,

you start off doing
girl-girl and solos

until you're comfortable

being in front
of the camera.

Then you'll introduce
a boy.

Then after six months
of that,

you'll be seen on camera
with two boys.

Keep it stretched out.

Don't give your fans

and the public
and the porn world

all of your body
all at once

because if you're 18
and you do that,

you won't see past 24

because you would have
done everything.

Smart women
that you've met

that are in
their later thirties,

they've done it
the right way.

They've held off.

Sure,
we'll give it to you,

but you're gonna
have to wait for it.

And then the fans
have got it.

I was in New York

and I was dancing at
one of the clubs there.

And I just woke up
one morning

and I was, like, I'm just
sick of this lifestyle.

Like, I'm out
till 5, 6 A.M.

I sleep
until 5, 6 P.M.

I get up,
I go blow some money,

and then I go to work
and I do it again.

You know, it was just
like this vicious cycle,

and I was drinking a lot.

And I didn't necessarily
think that adult

would be, like,
my saving grace, you know.

I just thought it was something
else that I could do.

If I didn't experience
this firsthand,

I wouldn't believe it.

But I am actually
more together and stable

than I've ever been
in my whole life, you know.

Financially,

you know, as far as
having a little home

and just trying
to just build a life.

And I know it sounds... again,
it sounds insane, you know,

that I found
my stability in porn.

It just doesn't sound
like it makes sense,

but that's what I did.

Because in a sense they're
becoming younger and younger,

I feel,
in their interest in sex,

because it's all
on the Internet.

You can download it,
you can get to it quicker.

Do you find there's a lot of
18-year-olds coming to you?

Like, literally, you're, like,
let me see your passport?

They walk in,
that's all they know.

They don't know
anything else.

They just know
they can fuck,

they like the attention.

Do you think a lot of these
girls are sex addicts?

Um...

No. I think they're more
attention addicts.

When stripping and porn
came into the picture,

it was, like, wow,
like, a lot of attention.

And also the attention
of feeling sexy,

because I didn't get
that kind of attention

growing up either.

I was not that girl,
you know.

Like, people
wouldn't look at me

and, like, want to date me.

So it was, like, ooh,
I felt sexy, too, you know?

But I don't know
where that came from.

I really... I'd love to know.

Well, it turns on
the switch.

When you know that
you're having a gap.

My dad traveled at times.
I get it.

That switch turns
and you're, like, oh, wait,

but I can get it from here
and this makes me feel good.

Because I think
we all want to be loved

on a very, you know,
profound level.

You have a child,
so you know that.

You know
you need to feed her

to make her feel that
she is really cared about.

So kind of it's that.

When you moved
into stripping,

was it with intention to go
into porn or was it just...

Not at all.
Like, not at all.

The same girlfriend

that got me hooked up
in the bachelor parties,

we hadn't been hanging out
all the time.

I randomly
got a call from her.

She's in L.A. doing porn

and she's with an agent
who will give her 100 bucks

if she would, you know,
scout girls for him.

So she was, like, hey,

you want to come out
and try this?

And that's how it happened.

I was on the plane
the next day and...

I started stripping
when I was 15 years old.

I think back then,
'cause I was really young,

I probably liked attention,
you know.

I liked attention.

I really wasn't thinking
about the money.

But I had won a dance
contest in Hollywood.

I used to hang
around Hollywood a lot

and I knew everybody
back then,

so I would get in
all the clubs.

And I met a guy there
who was, like,

"I know how you can make
a lot of money."

And I was, like,
really? How?

He's, like, my friend owns
a bachelor party company.

And I said, but I'm not
of age, you know.

I'm only 15.

He's, like, oh, it's okay,
they won't ask for ID.

And so I started stripping
at bachelor parties

when I was young.

I like to have sex.

I mean, when I was younger,
yeah, I was probably...

I'd look back now

and probably say silly girl,
silly young girl.

I was never afraid of sex.

So it was just like, okay,

so people are gonna get
to see me having sex

and people are gonna
get to see me naked.

And I figured that,

after I'd done the first,
like, time on the camera,

I was either gonna love it
or hate it.

You know, and if
I didn't like it,

I knew I could just walk away.

My family,
they're very judgmental

and they kind of made it
seem like, oh, really?

So this is what
you're gonna do?

So what are you
getting paid?

Who are you?
I don't see you on TV.

You know,
so it became, like, okay,

so if you're gonna do it,

then you need to be
the best at it.

And I thrived on that
and I became the best at it

and I just kept growing
and growing and growing.

And I'm still not exactly

where I want to be
in this industry,

but, yeah, family had
a whole lot to do with that.

Mom has always
been supportive.

I love you, baby.

But, you know,

my family made it
kind of hard at first.

But now that I am
where I am, oh, my goodness,

the support that I have
from them is amazing.

My dad's in the Air Force

and then my mom
just, you know,

she does different things,
secretary,

she's worked at a bank.

And I lived in Oklahoma,

like I said, the only state
you can't buy porn.

There's just
no easy way to do it.

There's no way to tell them.
You can't hide it.

Somebody's gonna see it.

And there's
no softening the fact

that you tell your parents,
"Hey, I'm doing porn." No.

They knew I was always
in trouble, you know.

But I actually
lost my virginity

with my first husband.

So I actually wasn't,
like, messing around.

Like, I was always sexual...

But not promiscuous.

I didn't lose my virginity
until I was 17.

I came home
and I said, "Mom, Dad,

I'm moving to L.A."

And they're, like,
what? Why?

Because it came
out of nowhere.

It wasn't, like, oh, I was
thinking about doing this.

They're, like, "Why are
you moving to L.A.?"

I was, like, "To do porn."

My dad called me
every name in the book.

"What the fuck?
Oh, my God!"

My mom was just like
a deer in the headlights.

The only porno
that I ever saw

that I came across,

my parents
made a home video,

which was
quite disturbing.

Yeah, I know.
I was being nosy

in my parents' closet
with my stepsister

and we came across
some videos

and we put it in
not knowing what it was.

And, yeah, not sexy,
so I turned it off

and screamed and was
scarred for life.

My father still doesn't
know I ever watched it

or ever saw it.

When I finally started
getting recognized,

I was, like, okay,
I'm a porn star.

Now let's do this.

Because, like, what I discussed
with them earlier, it did...

It got to a point
where it was, like, okay,

if I'm gonna do this,

I'm gonna be the best I can be

and maybe try and be
the best there can be

or is or ever was.

I wanted, at that point,

knew, like, okay,
now this is my career.

Now I'm not just
gonna do it half-assed.

I'm gonna do it all the way.

So I want to rise to the top.
Of course.

About three months in,
I was gonna stay.

But when I really, actually
started doing porn,

I didn't feel like
I was doing porn.

And then again, I wasn't
raised even watching porn

or knowing what porn is.

So my mind
didn't wrap around,

like, this was porn,
you know,

because my parents
never hid me from it.

It was never in my house,
it was never around.

It wasn't something
we talked about.

I was raised very religious,

so my mind didn't think of it
as something bad either.

I just didn't know
what it was.

I wasn't forced to do
anything I didn't want to.

Nobody ruined my life.

It was a decision that
for the rest of my life

I'm gonna have to deal with
someone questioning me

because I did do, you know,
an adult film and whatnot.

But at the end of the day,
I did it because I wanted to

and I feel confident enough
to, you know,

take responsibility
for my own actions.

Do you think you can have
this career as an adult star

and be able
to have an impact

beyond the sex?

You know, what happened was

the second that I started
doing scenes...

like, when I went in,

because
it was so easy for me

to take one look at
the girls at the convention

before I signed and see it
for what it was,

I assumed that anyone
who was given a glimmer

could see it
for what it was.

So I didn't think
that the prejudices

would be hard ones
to break down.

And then I remember
it wasn't people who knew me

who were telling me, oh,
you've made a big mistake

and, oh, you're never gonna
amount to anything now,

you've ruined your life.

It was strangers.
And I remember at first

I was like, ha-ha, you're
funny, that's so ignorant.

And then
it was a growing voice

as I got a growing name.

There were more people
who want to tell you

"You're too pretty for this,
you're too this for that."

I'm, like, what do you mean?

That makes no sense
to be "too pretty" for porn.

I mean, they want pretty.

I mean, they don't...

How can you be...

It's like saying you're
too good of an actress

to be an actress.
It's stupid.

I immediately started in
this business when I was 18,

so I was still
very much a baby

and hadn't fully developed.

My mom got implants
when I was in school.

I saw the transformation
of her,

how she felt more womanly.

And when I signed
my contract, they're, like,

have you ever thought
of getting implants?

I was, like,
I've always wanted them.

So they're, like, okay,
then we will manage you

and, you know, take you
to the right people

so we can get it done right.

So I was happy

that they guided me
in the right position

and that I had a company
that stood behind me

even at such a young age.

I never thought
I'd be a porn star.

I was gonna be
a weather girl.

I did, and I even had
a full ride

to O.U. for
meteorology school.

So I was actually
gonna be a weather girl.

I was into sex,
and even at 18,

like most girls
that get in.

I was, like,
oh, I could do porn.

But I didn't want to,
I was like, no,

'cause what if I do it
and then I regret it

or I don't like it?

You thought about that?

I did, I did, and
I waited until I was 22.

Is there a lot of people
in the industry whacked out?

The girls especially?

Like any industry,
by the way.

I know, you know, with
the modeling industry,

the various industries
that I've been in, of course,

and the entertainment
industry,

drugs are prevalent.
It's there.

I know a lot of the girls
were explaining

how they've had sex
with other girls

or girls come onto the set

and in the bathroom
every five minutes.

And none of them
will say anything.

None of them seem
to want to get involved.

And it kind of
breaks my heart

that they just want
to get the job done,

that nobody's...

Well, they're
taking drugs on set

because they're not happy
about what they're doing.

They're taking drugs on set

because they see a guy
with a cock like this.

They know that's not going
anywhere without a Vicodin.

I'm blessed.
I have a normal home life.

I have a husband,
I have a kid.

I have friends
that keep me in check.

I do like some of
the porn girls very much.

They are great company.

I have a lot of fun
with them,

a lot in common.

And I will bring them
to my house.

Do you think these girls
have lost a sense

of who they really are
as women

when they come into
that office?

Yes. Not as women,
but they become

the person they are
on the screen.

They lose a sense
of themselves.

Do you think they're leaving
their soul at the door

when they walk in
or do you think...

I think every time

someone does a scene
in front of a camera

that a tiny bit
of their soul disappears.

So I think as fast as
the money they might make,

I think they will need to spend
half of that on therapy.

"Why I did it
in the first place."

Over the past several years,

I've been fortunate enough
to photograph

some of the most
successful people

in the entertainment
industry,

and I'm no stranger

to creating
thought-provoking imagery:

From artwork for
Grammy-nominated artists

or exploring what happens

behind the closed doors
of a hotel

in the art photograph book
Room 23...

to shooting beautiful women
for erotic stories in Paris.

This was for my first
fine-art book, Paper Thin.

Yet one of my dreams
was to shoot for Playboy

because of its iconic imagery
of the past,

and my dream was realized

when they gave me their
cover story with Lisa Rinna,

a woman very much in touch
with her body.

Yet having the most sexualized
women in bed just for me

was daunting, as I felt
that capturing their sensuality

may not be as easy
as one would think.

Okay, so what
we're gonna do

is we're gonna have you
on the bed,

take your robe off,

and have you lie
in the center of the bed.

Keep moving
around the space

and I'm gonna
move around you.

And your lights are here,

so you're gonna play
to the light.

If you move your face
away from it

and you feel darkness,
you will be in dark.

The hardest thing for me

is pulling the sexy
out of the girl

and have them really get
in touch with their sensual.

You need to soften the eyes

so that you show
a vulnerable side of yourself.

I think that's
a very hard thing to do

because somehow
your guard has to go down

in order to allow that
to come through.

But I know that that's
really the essence

of what these images
are all about

is trying to find the you
behind the porn star.

? So you call me

? I keep looking back

? 'Cause you want it

? I keep looking back

? 'Cause I need it

? I keep looking back

? Come on, feed it

? I keep looking back

? ' Cause I found it

? I keep looking back

? I can tease it

? I keep looking back
for love ?

The hardest thing
I find

is to take yourself
out of where you are,

the lights, the people,
the whole thing.

So if you can put yourself
in that place

and just run with it
or just connect with me

and just be
in that space,

then it becomes
a bit more of a dance.

And I think, for me,
modeling

or being in front of
the camera is a dance.

It's knowing
it's not easy,

but when you
get it down...

And it's a silent focus.

You can just get in that zone
and nothing fazes you.

Nothing. It's
a softening of the eyes.

It's the letting go.

More like you've never
seen something before.

That, I think, evokes

more of an innate
connection to yourself.

? That's the time
I'm home ?

Not too... yeah, closed
is better. Closed.

This is so hard,
I swear to God.

No, no, I'm trying
to pull you back.

I could never be
a real model.

? There's my girl back home

Yeah, every
single picture.

Oh, no.
I absolutely hate it.

You know, this is
the first picture

I've ever loved,
by the way.

? So you call me

? I keep looking back

? 'Cause you want it

? I keep looking back

? 'Cause I need it

? I keep looking back

? Come on, feed it

? I keep looking back

? 'Cause I found it

? I keep looking back

? And you tease it

? I keep looking back
for love ?

? So you call me

? I keep looking back

? 'Cause you want it

? I keep looking back

? 'Cause you need it

? I keep looking back

? Come on, feed it

? I keep looking back

? 'Cause I found it

? I keep looking back

? And you tease it

? I keep looking back
for love ?

All I know is being
in front of the camera,

and in my industry,

it's not always
the most glamorous images.

I'm not always doing things

that I feel is flattering
or appealing in any way.

So it's a little difficult
sometimes

to, you know, just be
an object to someone.

Gradually going into
the adult industry

was fairly easy for me.

I was a bit timid,
you know, at first

and I wasn't as comfortable
with my body as I am now.

But as I grew, you know,

it just became who I am,
you know.

I was always comfortable
in my own skin.

But I feel, like,
comfortable in my own body

is a little bit different.

I felt like I really
knew myself sexually.

I was releasing things
that I'd never done before,

feeling things
I'd never done before.

And it was exciting.
It was intriguing.

Being sensual
is like the beginnings

that give you the butterflies
or the goosebumps.

You know,
almost like a first date.

The sensuality just, like,
gets you excited for the sex.

I was shy about porn
and my sexuality.

I hated on girls like that,

girls that embraced
their sexuality

and women that flaunted it

or women that could watch
porn with their husbands.

I was, like, ugh, how gross.

And then once
I started embracing that

and finding out
what I like,

it wasn't
just about him anymore.

Sexuality is the way
I would express myself

and sensuality
is how I feel on the inside.

Yeah, I think that's
how I differ the two.

Sensuality and sexuality

are just two tremendously
different topics.

I know that my life in
the industry through myself,

through my fans,

through other people
that I've watched, met,

and learned from,
I've grown to understand

there's
so many different levels

of how you can show your
sexuality to the world.

I think the more women
own their sexuality,

the more the world's
going to be equal,

the more there's going
to be a level of humanity,

because when you're told that
if you have these parts,

you can only be this

and if you have these parts,
you can have this,

then you're segregated still

and there's not
an equal playing field.

So I don't think it's bad

for women to completely
take back their sexuality.

And if it's a pendulum

where it's swinging
from one end to the other,

it's gonna eventually
land in the middle.

Obviously, I have moments
where, you know,

perhaps something
will get under my skin.

I'm human, you know.

I think it's human
to doubt yourself

and I think that if you
never sit and self-reflect,

you know, you probably need
to reprioritize.

I do doubt myself
from time to time,

but I don't know
if it's 'cause

I just gave up trying
to fit a mold

of what, like, society
wants me to be.

You see a lot of,
like, bravado

and, like, a false sense
of importance with girls.

Rule of thumb was always

that I didn't want to do
anything on camera

that I've never done
in my personal life.

I've watched so many girls
do their first anal scene

because they got offered
a little bit more money for it

and they were gonna do it
on camera

or their first DP
or their first gang bang.

And I think to myself,
when I'm older

and I'm looking back
at my life,

do I want to remember all
of those experiences that way?

I came in
wanting to be vulnerable

and wanting to be honest

and share the person
outside of just the body

doing things onscreen.

And I wanted to bring that
entire personality to it.

I mean, I was a shy kid.

I couldn't give
a book report in class.

I would stutter
and get red and shake.

I was too nervous.

And that's actually
one thing

I can really thank
the adult industry for.

I needed help socially
opening up

and taking risks and
putting myself out there.

And so now I've gone
from the kid

who can't stand up
in front of class

to a porn star
who can host award shows

and go on television

and answer
the most intimate, personal,

almost offensive questions,
and it doesn't even faze me.

It's like being
a superhero.

It really helps to have
a stage name, of course.

This is better to sell.

It can become a brand,

but it also helps because
when you build a character,

you give yourself another chance
to have a second life.

We look at the world
and we think we know

what the world wants to see

and then we project that
into our personalities.

So I have Ash on set
doing my movies

and she's a million and one
times less censored

than, you know,

Ash out to eat at dinner
in Hollywood.

I guess she's someone
that I had to invent

to separate myself from
being in the Fantasyland,

being in Neverland
or being in the real world

where you kind of
have to be an adult

and, you know, be practical,

'cause Asphxia
is not practical at all.

She's very much...
she's just insane,

but you have to have, you know,
a balance of the two.

I'm glad.

In a lot of ways,
I feel Asphxia saved my life

because she's helped me
come out of my shell

and I feel like I don't care
if I make an ass of myself

or, you know,
act inappropriate

because
I won't feel shameful

because Asphxia
doesn't feel shameful.

Well, I am.

The other half of me would
never do anything like that.

I really don't think
it's quite hit me yet

that I'm a porn star.

See, I even make a bizarre
face when I say that.

Porn star? Am I?

In this industry, everyone
has two names most times,

so very cliché,
and I didn't want that.

My agent was like, you know,

you have to have
a last name.

He's, like, why don't you
use Alexis Texas

because you're from Texas?

And at first, I found it
very kind of silly

and I didn't think
it was very sexy.

But I know I also didn't
want to be a Love or a Sky

or just the typical
porno names.

Even though as much as
Alexis Texas is a persona,

it's still, like I said,
a part of Alexis.

And, you know,
I've made that character

who I want it to be,

who I knew people would like

or the things
that people like.

And I still, you know, am
perfecting that character.

I've always been Nina,
you know.

And even
when I'm on sets,

I usually have people
address me by my real name.

I find it weird
to respond to Brooklyn

and sometimes there's
a lag in my response

when my name is called

'cause I don't realize
people are talking to me.

I think I probably just
chose the stage name

'cause that's what
people do, you know.

There is a difference

between people that are
just working actors in porn

and then people that
are porn stars, I guess.

They see themselves as
a movie star or a rock star,

somebody that's, like,
bigger than life, you know,

instead of just
this is your job, you know,

and you just do it as a job,

and when you go home,
you're, like, your normal self.

I think sometimes
they actually transform

into these characters
that they create.

Civilians,
they don't understand.

That's why we call you
civilians,

because you're different.
You don't understand.

You're not us.

You don't understand
the risks that we take.

You don't understand the things
that we've gone through

to be where we are.

You don't understand
the ridicule

that the civilians give us,
you know.

I mean, we have fans.
We have fans that love us.

But we have people
who hate us and spit on us.

We use the term civilian

as somebody basically
who doesn't do porn

or, you know, isn't involved
in the adult world.

And they don't think
the same way, you know, we do.

Like, sex and our body parts

and the things
that happen to our bodies

are part of our everyday life

and we're not afraid
to talk about it.

It's hard to say that
we're different people

because it's really not.

It's just I'm willing
to put my sex life on camera

and talk about it,
and you're not.

We're not that different,
and that's the point.

We have no filter.

There you go.
Civilians have filters.

We don't have any.

Sometimes people go,
oh, so what you do?

I'm, like, I act and model.

What movies
have you been in?

Who do you model for?
And I'm, like, mmm,

it's, like, naughty modeling,
and they go, oh.

We have real feelings
and personalities.

We are real people.

Just because
you don't like me

or you don't like what I do,

don't come at me,
like, you know,

snobby or bitchy, you know.

Just because I do porn

doesn't mean that I'm just
a filthy, disgusting person.

We're probably a lot cleaner

than some of the civilians
out there,

and it baffles me the way
that we get treated.

I've had
a couple people, like,

"Go back from
where you come from."

I'm, like,
where do I come from?

Am I a different breed
or something?

Actually, I had a girl
throw me a Bible at me.

Honestly,
it was kind of funny.

I'm not gonna lie.
I kind of laughed.

But I was, like,
just because

I choose to do something
that you don't agree with,

you know, one,
how do you know who I am

'cause that obviously means
you watched it

or you knew me somehow.

But it never made me regret.
I was, like, you know,

it just made me start hating
how judgmental people are.

I never, ever regretted
anything I've done.

Like, I love it so much,
you know.

Otherwise I wouldn't do it.

I feel like I have
an elegance in me

and, I don't know,
like, a beauty

in the filthy things
that I do.

And I've been
very promiscuous

my whole entire life.

That's just
the way I am.

I've never been called
a slut or a dirty whore.

Maybe on the DVDs.

You know how it is
in the industry.

But in real life,
I've never been...

and even now,
my friends look at me

and I can see
in a very classy way

I'm never looked at.

So beauty and filth
is the balance

between the beautiful
woman that I am

and the filthy whore.

I've loved what I do

ever since the first time
I stepped on film.

Nothing could have taught me
what I've learned in porn.

In college, there is
no class for that.

So I'm kind of getting
everything I need

to feel fulfilled from porn.

If it's not giving it
to me directly,

it's financing it

or it's sending me off
to weird countries

where I run into the most
amazing things I've ever seen.

I have to say, I thought
when I got in the business,

there was going to be platters
of cocaine everywhere

and champagne and drinking
and all that stuff.

And it wasn't at all
like that.

It was makeup on set
at 7 A.M.

And we did features
in the nineties.

We didn't have gonzo, so you
were on set 16 hours a day.

You had your dialogue,

you were there
all day long working.

So it was
a lot of difference.

I kind of actually wish

there was
a little more party,

but it wasn't
at all like that.

When I was 18,
probably about 18 to 20,

I was making
more gonzo movies,

which are just straight sex,

wham-bam-
thank-you-ma'am type,

not really
high-end production.

Well, I love to be choked.
I love to be slapped.

I love to spit.
I love to smack girls.

I love to...
I am dirty.

Just 'cause I look like this

doesn't mean
that I don't get crazy.

That's what I like to do
sexually.

Just 'cause that's taboo to
what everybody wants to think,

in my world I guarantee you

80% of people sexually
have been choked or smacked

or hit or got a little rough
in their life.

They're just afraid
to say that it's okay.

So for whatever reason,
you know,

the people that have
decided to speak up

have pointed out that maybe
that's, you know, wrong

when it's really not.
It's really not.

I guess it really comes down

to people are just afraid
to express themselves

and they want to pick on
the ones that can.

But then sometimes
it'll be, like, times

when the guy will want to call
you, like, really dirty names

and I'm terrible for it,

because a lot of my fans
like me to say,

"Oh, come fuck me,
you dirty bastard."

But if a guy suddenly
wanted to turn around to me

and say, like, "Get down on
your knees, you dirty bitch,

and suck my cock,"

I don't know whether I could
let him get away with it.

If you want to enjoy porn,
never go to a porn set

because if you actually saw
what went on to make that movie,

you would probably never
jerk off to it again.

When we film,
it is mechanical

because you are going
from position A to B to C.

You're stopping in between.

You're not trying to catch
smooth transitions.

I thought, you know, there was
the chance when I flew out here

that I would be shooting in
some overweight guy's basement.

You know what I mean?

And for the most part,
you know,

the shoots that I've been on
have been pretty professional.

We have sex on camera.

When you're
behind the scenes,

it's not that glamorous.

I mean,
the finished product is

and, yes,
we please our customers,

but when we're filming it,
it's not always that way.

So it's very much when
people look down on it,

you're, like, it actually
wasn't as easy

and as much fun as
you think it is, you know.

So you're judging something

when you haven't even
been on set.

You don't know
all the hardships,

and it's really hard
for the men.

It's more of a job
for the men

because they have to
keep going no matter what.

You know, if I could be
in this industry forever,

I would be fine with that.

And then just independently,
you know, you know,

continue in the pursuit
of knowledge

and go to school
just for the sake of doing it.

But, unfortunately,
I don't think

that that's where
we're headed

with, you know, the piracy

and the economy
being such an issue.

I don't know
that this will last

for more than five years.

I definitely don't think so.

It does definitely raise
the question in my mind,

like, shit, did I maybe
jump into this

and did I fuck myself?

I don't know.
No pun intended.

I don't think
I would have done well

being in this industry
when I was younger.

I don't think I was
as strong a person,

and I don't know.

I just wasn't
as confident in myself

and I think
I would have ended up

being one of them
young girls

that gets manipulated.

If you asked me where
the girls of 2005 were,

they're gone.

Nobody knows them.

The girls now

don't even know
the porn stars of my era

and eventually
they will fade away.

You won't be needed anymore.

Your services
will not be needed.

You will be
what they call shot-out

and they will move on
to the next girls.

One time I did a scene

and I felt like
I was a piece of meat,

like, thrown into
a lion's cage.

I cried after the scene
because I felt, like, so used.

Like, no one asked me
if I wanted to drink 12 loads

out of a cup with a straw.
No one asked me that.

They just told everybody else

this is what we're gonna do
and we're not gonna ask her

'cause they knew I wasn't
gonna want to do it.

But they don't
think about, like,

how that person's gonna feel
when they're done

and how that affects them

for the rest of their lives,
you know.

I always feel that people
think that porn

causes these girls
to have drug problems

and, you know,
bad influences and all that.

But for me, myself,

I did drugs previous
to entering the business

and it just gave me
more time and more money

to do more drugs.

So it didn't really,
you know, influence me.

I had already been doing it.

I was no longer able to work
without partying

and when I stopped partying,
I couldn't work,

so I kind of
had to say goodbye.

It's good to be
in the place that I am

where I'm comfortable
with myself

and I'm happy for once.

I have a very good life now.

You know, you get where
your whole life is just...

You have to keep this look
in order to make money

and it gets very difficult,
you know,

where if you don't have it,

you're not gonna be able
to make money.

But you have to
eventually use your head,

and that's what my husband
helps me with.

You don't have
to look like this forever.

Lucky for me, he's in
the same line of work.

It's really nice
to come home to someone

and just complain

about everything that
happened through your day

or just come home
and be ecstatic

about everything
that you did in your day

and they're cool about it.

Everyone I date, like, needs
to know going in what I do,

and I try
to make that a point,

because if you're not gonna be
okay with it right off the bat,

you're never
gonna be okay with it.

Porno sex and home sex are
completely different things,

entirely
different situations.

Like, I get asked that
all the time

if people think that,
you know,

that that's, like, you know,
how we all have sex at home.

Like, it's not how we all
have sex at home at all.

It's completely different.

Well, you know, my man says
there is no such thing

as a monogamous relationship
with a porn star.

That's how he feels
and I feel totally opposite,

I'm sure, because
this is my livelihood.

This is my work, this is
what I do for a living.

And there are instances, yes,
where I enjoy myself on set.

I love it.

There are other times
where I don't enjoy it

and it is just work.

So, I mean, you have to look
at that in all aspects

and they don't,
and they don't understand.

And it messes with us
especially as a woman

being emotional and having
someone cheat on you

and hurt you in these ways

because this is what you do
and you're nasty.

Oh, my gosh,
like, are you serious?

It hurts your feelings.

So at this point, I'm almost
through with civilians

and I'm thinking about just
fucking with porn stars only.

Porn is...
you're selling a product.

Your person, your body,
is your product.

I like going to work.
It's not, like, a chore.

It's not like it's something
I don't want to do.

I love it.

The first thing I ever got
was chlamydia and I cried.

But what I looked back
and I thought was so cool

is that the guy
actually called me

and told me
on the phone, you know,

that his test came back
positive for it.

And this is before they
even tested for that.

He, this performer

would go
and get the test anyway,

and I thought
that was really cool.

And I've had gonorrhea,
you know, I have herpes.

Is that it?

Yeah, I've been lucky
enough to not get,

you know,
a lot of girls get HPV.

The guys have it, too.

They just don't...
you know.

Sometimes you have stuff

and you just don't know
you have it.

A lot of people have herpes
don't know they have it.

And they blame it
on porn, right?

Like, did you do
a full panel

before you got
in the business

and see where you're at?

'Cause
you can have herpes

and not ever have
an outbreak, you know.

And then
you can transfer it

without even having
an outbreak.

So I kind of just assume
most people have it.

Of course, in the business
when a new girl comes,

you don't tell her
the dark side.

I'm sure the same
with the modeling business

and everything else.

You're not gonna
sit there and say,

well, you might have an STD,

you're going to
definitely get an STD.

And there's all these factors

besides all the other stuff
I talked about.

But the health reasons,
you know,

if you do get something,

health insurance
won't even cover you.

You know,
a lot of these girls

don't have health insurance.

They don't go visit their
gynecologist regularly.

They don't know anything
that's happening down there.

If they do catch something,
you know,

it is, it's very scary.

And girls
come in the business

and when a scare happens,
it drives me crazy

when they all
jump on the bandwagon,

like, oh, my God, you mean
you can catch AIDS from this?

I'm, like, what do you think

you get paid
the big bucks for?

You know, stunt guys
get paid a lot of money.

You know why? They put
their life on the line.

And the same...
As soon as you start

having sex in this business
without a condom,

you're putting your life
on the line.

So that's why you
get paid the big bucks.

I know each day that I work,
I'm taking a risk.

I couldn't imagine
not being with someone

that didn't test regularly
like I do.

Like, it makes you
much more aware

of what's going on
in the world.

When you think
about how many people

hook up at bars
with other people

and they're actually
more of a threat

than the adult industry are

to its performers
in a circle.

Like, if you go out

and have sex
with someone in a bar,

you don't know
where they've been.

You don't know what
sexual habits they have,

what hygiene they have.

But we do.

We know what each other
is doing.

We have a regimen
and we get tested.

So it's a lot safer
and I would hope

that we are promoting
safer sex to some degree.

The fact is, you're not
paying me to have sex.

You're paying me
for the right

to exploit that sex...
not in a bad way...

but you're paying me

for the right
to make money off of it.

And if you're gonna
make money off of it,

I'm gonna make money
off of it.

Otherwise, I'll have sex
behind closed doors

or I'll go film myself
having sex.

So it's more like
a fair labor thing

than it is I would
or wouldn't do it

depending on the money.

Porn is so dirty,
porn is so nasty, you know.

But porn can be so dirty
and so nasty

in a very sensual,
sexual way.

And I don't really know how
to explain how I feel about it,

but I belong here, baby.

There's always two sides
to everything.

Politicians get hookers
all the time

and they're forgiven.

It's normal?
That's normal?

We're not hiding behind
somebody's back to do it.

We're not sitting there
cheating on our spouses.

We're not breaking up
marriages.

Everybody that's with us
knows what we do,

and you watch it.

So, you know,
who are you to judge us?

This journey
has give me a chance

to shed light
on my own sexuality

and ultimately
the loss of our sensuality.

I believe we make judgments
on others

because of our own fears,
our society's ideals,

and what has been
instilled in us

by our forefathers.

So before
we make assumptions,

maybe we should take a look
at ourselves.

? Did you face
each other? ?

? Did you hold up
to the light? ?

? Did you find
another way? ?

? Did you feel
a little more like ?

? When you find
the animal? ?

? Did you find
another way? ?

? Did you face
each other? ?

? Did you hold up
to the light? ?

? Did you find
another way? ?

? God only knows

? I couldn't care
so much for ?

? What happened to me

? I only know

? Why I escape so much

? And get high for days

? Did you feel
a little more like ?

? When you find
the animal? ?

? Did you hide
or run away? ?

? Did you face each other?

? Did you hold up
to the love? ?

? Did you find
another way? ?

? Did you feel
a little more like ?

? When you find
the animal? ?

? Did you find
another way? ?