Original subtitles

Previously on "Young Sheldon"...

Do you know if he'll be doing

the full color octet calculations?

- I do not. - Do you know

how to differentiate under the integral sign?

- No. - Do you know anything?

Anyone know what happens to baryons?

Yes, Paige.

We can ignore the particle masses

at the individual quark level.

- Correct. - A unique child

can require a lot of attention.

Try all the attention.

Well, I think my parents are getting a divorce.

- Why? - They fight all the time.

- About what? - Mostly me.

- I guess I'm lucky. - Why?

I'm the glue that holds our family together.

- Hi, Sheldon. - What did you do to your hair?

Is this because your parents got divorced? -

You're so smart. Why are you acting like this?

My mom is going on dates,

and my dad is acting like a child.

It's just hard to care.

Can I offer you a hot beverage?

"Surfin' U.S.A." by the Beach Boys playing...

* If everybody had an ocean...

Children everywhere

are excited by summer vacation,

and I was no exception.

Because instead of vacation Bible school

with my sister, I was headed to the local library

for a fun-filled week of postal delights

otherwise known as stamp camp.

In 1989, they released dinosaur stamps.

- No one cares. - Come on, now.

He's excited. And that gets

my stamp of approval.

I'm using that.

It's going to kill at stamp camp.

Oh, sorry. It was canceled.

What? Why?

Not enough interest.

Not enough interest in stamps?

It's the fastest-growing hobby in people 70 and over

according to Reader's Digest.

Sorry, sweetie.

Well, what am I supposed to do now?

Ha! You have to go to Bible camp.

* Fly me to the moon, and let me... *

Come on, Shelly. It's a space theme.

Isn't that fun?

Jesus was a carpenter, not an astronaut.

Maybe he built the rocket.

What would he use for fuel?

Ooh, doughnut holes.

Can I please wait in the car?

No. I want you to be here.

I'll be fine. You can crack the back window.

Hi, Sheldon.

- Paige. What are you doing here? - My mom made me.

See? She doesn't want to be here either.

I'm gonna go say hi to your mom.

Why did your mom make you?

Punishment. I got caught with cigarettes.

Why would you want to smoke?

To look older.

My meemaw smokes. I guess it works.

So, why are you here?

Do you believe in this stuff now?

No. Stamp camp got canceled.

Further proof there is no God.

I did it. I bought a car.

Really? You got the Mustang?

I was fixing to,

but then something else caught my eye.

You did something dumb.

Now, it needs a little bit of work,

but once I'm done,

- it's gonna be amazing. - No.

What do you mean?

It's got low mileage,

great stereo.

Check this out.

Look at all the room.

Hell no.

Why?

This isn't a car. It's a motel room on wheels.

Is that how little you think of me?

Yes. Maybe less.

George, your mother works

for the church. This doesn't look good.

I don't know, looks pretty good to me.

Please, listen to me. Come on.

If I drive Sheldon to college, he can sleep back there.

So, you saw that couch,

and the first thought you had was,

"My brother can sleep on that"?

Not my firstthought.

* Now I've read my Bible

* And I can't understand

* How folks can think

* That Jesus was...

This licorice tastes terrible.

It's plastic.

You use it to weave a lanyard.

No, it's licorice.

Your mother lets you wear lipstick?

- Of course not. - Interesting.

Does she know you're leading a double life?

Grow up.

Why do you think you're rebelling

against parental authority?

Isn't it obvious? I'm having a textbook reaction

to their divorce.

What textbook? Did you get it from the library?

Hello, Biblenauts!

Gather round.

Now, who's ready to find

space for Jesus in our hearts?

I can't hear you!

Perhaps that's because space is a vacuum

where sound doesn't travel.

Nicely done.

You're not the only rebel around here.

I thought he had stamp camp.

Just go get your money back and buy a different car.

No.

Georgie, I'm not playing around.

Neither am I. I bought it with my own money,

and you don't get a say.

As long as you live under my roof,

I get plenty of say.

Fine. I'll move out.

And where you gonna go?

I'll live in the van.

You know what?

It was only a matter of time

before you lived in a van. Have at it.

Scooby-Doo lived in a van,

and he turned out fine.

* I'm a rocket man

* Rocket man

* Flying up to heaven with the Lord *

* And I think it's gonna be a fun old time. *

All right. Amen.

Sing "Ice Ice Baby."

- Don't know it. - How about Paula Abdul?

- Nope. - Ooh!

- The Teenage Mutant Ninjatheme. - Mary,

what is that I'm hearing?

Oh! Right.

It's the prize bell!

What do you think the prize is?

We get to go home?

Is the joke that leaving would be a reward?

Yes.

I get that joke.

Now,

for a psalm 100 bookmark,

who can name the 12 apostles?

Billy.

Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc...

Those are dwarves. Anyone else?

Look at these suckers trying to compete for a stupid bookmark.

They probably don't even know psalm 100.

Or what a book is.

How about six apostles?

Just give me six.

I'll settle for three, and I'll spot you Judas.

I don't even care about church, and I can name them all.

So can I.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can.

I can even do it in alphabetical order.

Well, I can name them in the order they appear

in the Book of Matthew.

Paige, yes.

Peter, Andrew, James, son of Zebedee,

John, Philip, Bartholomew,

Thomas, Matthew,

James, son of Alpheus, Thaddeus, Simon and Judas.

And that's the order that they appear in the Book of Matthew.

Fantastic!

You just won yourself a psalm 100 bookmark.

Thank you. I love that psalm.

You would think winning

a Nobel Prize in Physics

would make this moment meaningless to me,

but all these years later, it still burns my butt.

Why would Paige get competitive over Bible trivia?

She doesn't care about that.

Maybe she just wanted that bookmark.

Yeah. I wanted

this "what would Jesus do?" slap bracelet.

Ow.I liked it better

when she and I were making fun of everything.

You might have more fun if you participated, too.

Oh, I'll participate.

Great. If Paige wants to go head-to-head on Bible trivia,

she picked the wrong fact-filled atheist to mess with.

Great.

Ow.

Well?

It's very... colorful.

Not just colorful. Patriotic.

It's also a little gross.

It just needs a little shampoo. But check out the best part.

Want to try it out?

In front of your parents' house?

That's what's so great. We can drive it anywhere.

Empty field, abandoned parking lot.

Wherever love takes us.

What is that smell?

There was a mouse in the mini fridge.

Ew!

Did you hear me?

There's a mini fridge!

You're really making him live out there?

He's not gonna last one night in that nasty thing.

Have you seen that boy's room?

Judah was the father

of Perez and Zerah by Tamar,

Perez was the father of Hezron,

and Hezron was the father of Ram.

Why's he reading the Bible?

To humiliate and destroy Paige at Bible camp.

That.

Missy doing anything stupid?

No.

One out of three. Not bad. Hey!

Where do you think you're going?

Bathroom.

No, you're not. You don't live here.

George. You want him making grandkids in that van?

You heard him! Get!

Dang it.

Can I use your bathroom?

Your dad wants to talk to you.

Hello.

You can't use her bathroom either.

Dang it.

There's a bucket in the garage.

Hey.

Brought you some food.

Don't tell your father.

Thanks.

Want to come in?

It smells less disgusting now.

I'm... really good here.

Georgie, um,

this is a... nice van,

but why don't you think about selling it

so you can come back inside?

No. I'm not letting him win this one.

You know you can't live in here.

Why not?

It's hot out.

The windows roll down.

How are you gonna take a shower?

It's supposed to rain this weekend.

What about a bathroom?

See that bucket?

Good night.

Ask me what the fruits of the Spirit are.

- I'm sure you know them. - Of course I do.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,

goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Then why do I have to ask?

So I can improve my hand-raising technique.

Fine.

What are the fruits of the Spirit?

Good. We done?

No, you have to call on me.

Sheldon.

Love, joy, peace, patience,

kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

gentleness and self-control.

Now ask me to name three wicked women of the Bible.

Can I ask you a question?

If it's "Who are three wicked women in the Bible?,"

then go ahead.

Why don't you believe in God?

Sheldon.

Because science explains the universe

without the need of inventing a supernatural being.

But how do you know for sure he doesn't exist?

Ooh. Stop that.

The burden of proof isn't on me.

If I said there was an invisible monkey in the room with us,

you shouldn't believe me just because

you can't prove me wrong.

Why is the monkey invisible?

I don't know.

Is it a ghost monkey?

Sure.

Then why isn't he in heaven?

Because there is no heaven.

What about monkey heaven?

There is no monkey heaven.

There is no regular heaven.

When we die, we cease to exist. That's it.

You better hope you're right.

'Cause if I end up in regular heaven and you end up in hell,

I'm gonna laugh.

But if you end up in monkey hell,

I'm gonna laugh even harder.

Just paint your nails.

God, when Sheldon dies,

please send him to monkey hell.

Amen.

Get it off! Get it off!

- What was that? - It's in my hair!

Not my problem.

It's in my hair!

It's in my hair!

For your information,

not only am I going to show you up today,

I've also prepared some biblical trash talk.

What is he talking about?

He stayed up all night studying.

Why?

To beat you at Bible trivia.

Just like the prophets of mercy beat the priestly cult

and its emphasis on ritual purity.

Was that the trash talk?

Was Zacchaeus a tax collector?

Was Nicodemus a Pharisee?

Just hit him.

Okay, campers!

Bible trivia time.

For a Noah's Ark

rain poncho,

what was Peter's original name?

- Sheldon. - Peter's original name was Simon.

- Correct! - You didn't know that one, did you?

Yes, I did.

He was also known as Cephas.

Then why didn't you raise your hand?

'Cause I don't care.

Next question.

For a John the Baptist pencil topper,

where did Jesus perform his first miracle?

Sheldon.

A wedding.

Correct!

Aren't you even going to try?

Nope.

Why won't you compete with me?

Because it's fun watching you get upset.

What's fun about it?

Everything.

Morning, sunshine.

What do you want?

Oh, just to see how you're doing.

I'm fine.

Thanks for the juice.

Oh, this isn't for you.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Cold and refreshing.

So, how'd you sleep?

You look terrible.

- Are you done? - Depends.

You ready to return the van?

This van's not going anywhere.

Don't you have to work this morning?

Crap.

Yep, it's not going anywhere.

Paige,

a sprig of my hair is askew.

Upsetting, isn't it?

No.

But it's going a different direction

from all the other hairs.

So?

You think it's fun irritating me?

I'm giving you a taste of your own medicine.

Ha.

Hey.

I'm on medication, you know.

Wh-What are you doing in there?

Just washed up in your sink.

Don't want to offend the customers.

Why?

My dad's mad 'cause I bought a van,

and he's not letting me use the house.

Oh. So that's your old Chevy parked out front?

Pretty sweet, right?

- You have a clean title on it? - Pretty much.

I think it's registered in Mexico.

Well, that's something.

But it's got a bed and a mini fridge.

Wow. Sweet.

I'm gonna hang some twinkle lights

and maybe get a lava lamp.

Georgie, did I ever...

tell you why I got married so young?

You were in love?

No, because, when I was your age,

I bought a similar vehicle.

Cool. What was it?

Just get dressed.

Okay.

"Moovin' 'N' Groovin'" by Duane Eddy playing...

Paige,

look how close this pushpin is to this balloon.

Mm-hmm.

It could pop at any moment.

I bet that drives you cra...

Hello.

- What now? - What now?

- What are you doing? - What are you doing?

- Are you just gonna repeat everything I... - Are you just gonna repeat

everything I say?

- I, Sheldon Cooper... - I, Sheldon Cooper...

...accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.

...accept Jesus Chr...

Go get me a beer, woman.

What?

It infuriates my mom when my dad says it.

Sheldon, stop.

- You can't upset me. - Why not?

Because there are things in my life that are way worse

than anything that you can come up with.

You mean your parents splitting up.

Obviously.

I think I know how to irritate you.

I bet you think the divorce is all your fault

and now your family is torn apart forever.

Did I do it?

Did I get under your skin?

I can still hear the sound of her fist hitting your face

and your head bouncing off the floor.

That is enough.

It was like, "Thwack,"

- and then, "Kathunk." - I said enough!

And there were doughnut holes.

What a great day.

* Heartbeat...

That night, my brother turned a ratty old van

into his chariot of love.

* Heartbeat

* I'm looking for a...

Romance was in the air.

- * Beating like... - Hey.Oh. - Hey, Mr. Boggs.

I-I'm just here to pick up Jana.

You think you're taking my daughter out in this?

No worries. I'll have her home by 11:00.

Ooh. I wouldn't open that.

Move.

It's got a mini fridge.

I thought about what you said.

I'm returning the van. Good night.

This is the kind of weather

that makes you want to stay at home.

If you don't have to go out today, don't.