Original subtitles

[clamoring]

[baby coos]

I don't want the baby. I don't want the baby!

I don't care what it is! I never want to see it!

- [vase crashes] - [cries]

You have a beautiful eight pound baby girl.

- Take it away! I hate it! - Dr. Adam.

I hate it!

Where is he?

What is this, Mr. Grayson?

Our bank accounts. She can have 'em.

Also the kid.

She knew I didn't want this dull family life.

So I'm cutting out.

Well, have a good trip.

Your wife said you would act just like this.

Oh, she did, did she?

That's right. She doesn't want you around the baby.

She thinks you're too immature to handle family life.

Me? Immature?

Who is she? Grandma Moses?

Wait, Wait. Sh-h-h.

Wait.

Would you like to see your baby before it's taken away?

Taken away? Who's taking her away?

Your husband. He's right outside.

Oh, no! [cries]

You bring that kid here to me. She's mine.

Mine. And don't tell me she's beautiful.

Where's the baby?

Didn't know you were interested.

[baby cries]

She's beautiful.

I'm beginning to think so, too.

You know my study?

I'll fix it up into a nursery.

I don't want you to give up your study.

Darling, we can close off the dining room.

We can put the table and the chairs in the garage.

Dr. Adam, thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh. Just remember this.

The excitement does not go out of marriage.

It just takes on different colorings.

And you must be mature enough to adjust to the changes.

There's a lot more to being a doctor than

reading thermometers and taking pulses.

Congratulations, Dr. Adam.

It's all in a day's work.

- Cut! - [bell ringing]

- That's it. It's a wrap. - [applause]

Thanks, kiddies. Cool 'em. I love you all.

Jason! Jason, wait for the master.

Jason, sweetie, what's wrong?

What's wrong? After three years of this jazz,

I'd like to find one disease I can't cure

and one problem I can't solve.

- Why don't you make me human? - Don't knock it.

Variety has us the number one show again.

You're putting cowboys and Indians out of work.

Look, old man, as account executive may I point out

that we must perpetuate the image of Dr. Adam...

warm, kind, understanding.

Come on, knock it off, huh?

The agency had to put twelve more girls on to handle your fan mail.

We should all face Madison Avenue and give thanks.

I'd like you to read that fan mail some times.

Ask Dr. Adam.

Why, they ask me questions that would run Doctor Kinsey

right into another business.

Why, maybe if I blew a few delicate operations, huh?

You're just tired, Jason.

Or if I made a few stupid suggestions to

some of my patients or filled out the wrong prescription

or maybe blew up the hospital. Something.

- See you at the game tonight. That'll relax you. - Yeah.

We made him a national idol, loved by millions and he isn't happy.

Well, he's going through a very trying period.

Yeah. One of the great swingers of our generation

is about to get married.

Maybe we should try and talk him out of it?

Why should we? No one talked us out of it.

Hello, Al, this is Tom Edwards.

Look, I called to ask if you really would try

and get the delicatessen order up here on time tonight.

[muffled response]

Because we, uh, we do like to break for food

around 10:30 and...

OK. Fine. Thanks so much.

Hello, darling.

Why you look as though you just stepped out

of a Chef Milani commercial.

Why all the goodies?

But Tom, you forgot today's our fifth wedding anniversary.

I cooked a beautiful dinner.

But you're so busy with your poker.

Oh darling, I hate poker, you know that.

But I must create a camaraderie with the men on my television team.

I don't want the fact that I went to Harvard

to affect our work relationship.

Don't you see, darling, I...I'm just trying to be one the boys.

Why can't you be one the boys with me one night?

[cries]

Especially our wedding anniversary?

Oh now darling, let's not be slaves to this middle-class nonsense.

It's just another date on the calendar.

Now look, you just put that dinner back in the freezer

and we'll celebrate tomorrow night.

There's no more room in the freezer.

What with the dinner from our fourth anniversary, and the third one,

et le second et tous les autres.

Ne te faches pas, Jacqueline. Qu'est-ce que je peux faire?

Je ne peux pas les decommander. Hello, Harry?

- This is Tom. - Hi, Tom.

Look, uh, Yoshimi's car is on the blink.

A-a-and I wonder if you could pick him up?

- Be glad to. - Good.

Goodbye.

I... I've got to pick up Yoshimi.

Aw, honey,

forget the game tonight and take me dancing.

Perez Prado's playing at the Biltmore.

Dancing? That's all I need.

I've had two heart attacks already whirling around dancing floors with you.

I need this night to rest up between cardiograms.

- Don't wait up. - What for?

You rest when you come home, too.

[speaks foreign language]

[coughs] I don't get it.

I buy you this brand new General Electric kitchen

and you want to cook in the living room.

Oh, just like our ancestors.

[car horn honks]

Oh, there's Harry.

I'll have delicatessen at the game.

Oh, Isami.

Hey, from now on let's have dinner sitting in chairs.

My legs fall asleep curled under a table.

- That's for gardeners. - Oh. That is one tradition we will not give up.

For generations our people...

All right. All right. All right. All right.

Don't bug me.

Oh. Yoshimi-san.

Uh, would you consider sacrificing the game tonight?

After working so hard, you need the quiet, relaxing time of your home.

- [car horn honks] - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Tiger.

I get Oriental meditation all week long.

Come Wednesday night I need a little action.

[instrument sounds]

Oh. The next time we move it's gonna be old Spanish

with the arches, and...

Daijobu. Itteira shiai mase.

Don't wait up for me, dear.

You won't have to pick up Yoshimi tonight.

- Oh, good, good. - Sanford.

Sanford, uh... How about missing poker just one night?

I, uh, have tickets

for a lecture on pre-Columbian art with,

uh, with colored slides.

Slides. Oh. Come here, dear.

Mona, I listen to my patients all day long.

At night I like to listen to the sound of chips.

That's therapy for me.

Well, maybe I'll find myself a little therapy one these nights.

About six feet of therapy.

Fine. If you do, show me the slides in the morning.

Good night.

If I'm here in the morning.

Mona. Mona, Mona.

Mona, let me give you a little free advice.

You'd be in a healthier mental state if you just

resigned yourself to the fact that I play cards every Wednesday night.

Now why don't you try to be like Leonard's wife, Doris.

Whatever Leonard does is great with Doris.

And the boys are waiting.

[screams]

Good night, good night, Leonard.

And good luck at the game tonight, darling.

Don't lay it on, will you, Doris?

Well, I mean it.

Honey, I understand your reasons for wanting to play poker,

stupid as those reasons might be.

And darling, while you're out,

I'll sew some socks and I'll fix the washing machine.

You know, those plumbers charge a mint.

Well now, here's a clean hankie. There.

And darling,

I managed to save some money out of my household allowance

and I slipped it into your wallet just in case you lose

more than you think you can afford.

I don't know how you work it, but every Wednesday night when I leave this house,

I feel guiltier and guiltier. It's got to build to a point

that one of these nights I'm just going to kill you.

But, if it'll make you happier, darling.

[Jason] Why don't you give me a chance to explain what I mean.

[woman] I know what you're driving at.

But you're just not considering my feelings.

[Jason] Stop getting so sensitive.

It was a lovely dinner. Now maybe you better go to your poker game.

You know it's time to leave for the poker game.

Charley, will you stop clocking me?

- The fellas get sore when he comes late. - Charley.

I haven't touched a drop. And it's after eight already.

Maybe it is time for you to go.

Will you two stop pushing me to the game?

I'm not going to go until I talk with you.

We got a problem.

Aw, you can't keep any secrets from Charley.

His ear just reaches the keyhole.

- That's not funny. - That wasn't bad.

That is, if you understood it.

- What he meant was I was so short. - Charley.

I'll go quietly. When I blow the whistle, come out fighting.

He's through. I'm going to give this,

this wino one month's salary, then I'm going to point him towards Napa Valley.

[laughs] I've never seen you so tense.

Why shouldn't I be tense.

I, I've got this wedding hanging over my head.

You make it sound like the guillotine.

Well, it is.

I mean if I were married a couple of times before

I wouldn't be so nervous.

Melissa, look, look, let's elope, huh?

Oh, honey, let's elope, huh? What say?

Let's forget about the wedding, huh?

Well sure, you don't go into cold water little by little.

- You dive in, right? - Oh.

Is that your considered opinion about marriage, cold water?

No, that's not, that... It's the preliminaries that get me down.

Look, in the South Seas two kids meet,

they split a coconut, and that's it.

Let's sneak away tonight.

Jason, what's the matter with you?

You know we've made plans that include other people.

Relatives of yours that I've never met.

Why can't we change the plans?

You're just like the Rock of Gibraltar. Come on, huh?

Darling, if it made any sense to change them, we'd change them.

But we can't, it's too late now.

What do you mean, it's too late?

Why can't we do anything on the spur of the moment, huh?

Let's elope, come on.

I'll talk to you about it in the morning.

Let's elope.

Don't you ever call me the Rock of Gibraltar again.

- Have a little beef? - Yeah. Had a little beef.

Well, this is just the opening race on the card.

Wait'll you're married and get to the big handicap.

- Yeah? - Look, Mr. Steel, I know women.

- Yeah, short ones. - Short ones, tall ones,

they're all out of the same stable.

Once they get the bit between their teeth, you can't hold 'em.

First thing she does when she moves in,

- she gets rid of me. - What's bad about that?

I don't care about losing the job.

I can go back to my riding career and get a few mounts here and there.

I just hate to see you cut down as a man.

I know, I know. I'm late for the game.

I know that.

- Pass. - Check.

- Open. - Aw.

Hey, Jason. What do you do?

Oh. I'm in.

[chuckles] What's the matter?

Things not going well with Melissa, huh?

I got a bus schedule, in case you want to blow town.

- [laughter] - Oh, leave him alone.

Listen, a fellow only gets married once.

Yes, and if you work it right, once is more than enough.

I don't mind telling you that Melissa's the nicest thing

that ever happened to me.

And after I get hitched,

we're going to have open house every Sunday.

Just for you guys.

So you can watch and learn and be grateful. For what you have.

- Right. Sure. - [laughs]

Very nice, very nice.

That's the first commercial I ever heard on marriage.

- [laughter] - [Sanford] Well, you see, that's over-compensation.

It signifies that, uh, he's a little shaky about making the plunge.

- Very good, doc. - Give me one, will you.

I'm going to fill one of these inside straights yet.

- In the middle? - Yeah.

- Inside straight, hmm. - [phone rings]

- I'm in. How do you like that? - Don't trust us.

- Hello. - Jason.

- Who? - Jason Steel.

Just a minute, please.

Jason.

Me?

Some dame who sounds like she's got a handkerchief over the mouthpiece.

- Ask who it is? - I don't want to pry into your extracurricular activities.

Changed my private phone number three times to get away from these crazy dames.

Then they track me down here.

[laughter]

Who is it?

- It's Jacqueline. - Who?

Jacqueline Edwards. I had to talk to someone.

Just to give you an idea how I spend my Wednesday nights.

I'm calling from a drive-in movie.

There's a Roman orgy on the screen,

but it's nothing compared to what's going on in the cars.

And I'm here alone.

Well, look, just, uh, send your name and address

to the network, and they'll, uh, they'll send you a couple of tickets to the TV show.

Jason, stop this. You're the only one who can help me keep my sanity.

- But uh... - I'm all alone in a strange country.

If you hang up or try to get rid of me, I'm doomed.

You must meet me and advise me what to do.

I'll drive over to your house.

No, no. Stay in your car.

Uh, you'll probably miss a good movie. Stay in the car.

I'll park outside your house until you get there.

I know it's not in your nature to turn away from someone in trouble.

Hello, hello.

Cashing in?

He's got that look on his face.

Don't stay up too late, buddy boy.

We shoot in the morning.

Well, chaps, it's drink time.

You think it's another girl.

I guess when you're a television doctor,

you got to make a lot of house calls.

[Charley] Hey. What are you doing home so early?

Oh. How do you do, Mrs. Edwards. Nice night.

- I'll be leaving in a minute. - That's not necessary, Charley.

I got to get my shopping list. We're out of just everything.

Charley, it's a quarter of eleven.

That's the best time. The stores are empty.

Now, it's a long list so make yourself cozy.

And you don't have to worry about me talking.

Wild horses couldn't drag it outta me.

Thank you, Jason. Thank you for indulging an hysterical woman.

[cries]

Jacqueline. Pull yourself together.

Here. Here, dear, here.

Tonight on television you had a show,

you operated on a woman who didn't have the will to live.

I know, I know. Not only did I save her life

by performing a pre-frontal lobotomy left-handed...

- [cries] - ...but I also gave her a new philosophy.

Jacqueline, we have a man that sits up

all night writing these epics.

All I do is say the words. I just say the words.

That's all I want from you, Jason, words.

I need someone to tell me what to do about my marriage.

Lately, it doesn't seem that Tom and I have one.

We just seem to be renting rooms in the same apartment.

And if one night we should,

by accident wander into the same bedroom together,

we behave like two little boy scouts

who don't care much for each other.

Jacqueline, you shouldn't be telling me all this.

Well, I've got to tell someone before he starts toasting marshmallows. [sniffs]

Candy? Here's a little candy. Here. Huh? See?

Oh, did I take you away from the game before the delicatessen came?

No, I wa... I wasn't very hungry.

Oh, you're just being polite. Where's the kitchen?

In there.

- Jason... Here? - Yeah, yeah.

Ici? Come, I'll fix you something a la Française

while I tell you my troubles.

Hi ya, Charley. What can I do for you?

A bottle of your finest cooking sherry. I want to celebrate.

Your boss' coming marriage?

I just read about it in Hedda Hopper's column here.

You been reading the wrong column.

He's getting ready to join the European market.

Put it on the tab.

Mmm, that's delicious. The best thing I've ever had.

- What is that? - You liked it?

- Mmm. - Ah.

- It's called Quiche Lorraine. - Quiche Lorraine, huh?

You know, Jason, if I could cook once in a while for somebody like you,

I'd be resigned to living with Tom.

I think you better put your shoes back on and go on home, Jacqueline.

Are you sure?

Yes. We're getting much too comfortable here.

And I'm pretty sure that drive-in movie's over by now.

They had a double feature.

- They did? - Um-hm.

- I'll do the dishes. - No, no, no.

Charley'll do the dishes. If he ever gets back.

But we haven't even talked about my marital problems.

- Yeah. - See, Tom has everything he wants,

British car, a Swiss corporation.

And a French wife.

But the only thing that excites him is the British car.

Well, now, Tom and I are old friends,

and I don't think I should be the one to...

Oh, you're the only one in the whole world.

Only you have this unique kind of understanding.

I see. You're confusing me with the character I play on television.

- Jason. - I don't have any understanding at all.

Jason, Jason, I want to tell you something.

Yes, what?

It's been a long time since I've talked to a man.

And even just this has been so satisfying I could weep.

Gratitude.

If I ever listened to anybody, I would listen to you.

I will do anything you say.

Go back to Tom.

Oh. Is that what you have to say?

Go back to Tom and remember this.

The excitement does not go out of a marriage.

It just takes on different colorings

and you must be mature enough to adjust to the changes, that's all.

Perhaps you're right. I will try.

- Good girl. - Through no fault of yours, Jason.

Thank you for the Quiche Lorraine.

It was beautifully cooked. It was magnificent.

Goodbye.

Wait till you taste my Cherries Jubilee.

Huh.

Hey, is that your long marketing list? Huh?

Mr. Steel, two is company, three's a crowd.

This is what I was born for,

cleaning up after a happy bachelor.

It was just a friendly visit. All she wanted was a little advice.

Boss, you're a gentleman and I respect you for it.

Oh, clean up, especially that wild imagination of yours.

- Good night. - Pleasant dreams. And I hope they're all in French.

It seems to be sagging a little bit right here.

That armature's there for a purpose, you know.

You've got to try and...and build from the inside out,

and...and try get the feeling of inner strength,

kind...kind of like the... the, uh, Rock of Gibraltar.

Oh!

Melissa, what's with you today?

I'm s... nothing.

I... I... It's a little early,

but I think maybe we'd better break for lunch.

- You can un unflex, Sam. - Hey. [whistles]

What's the matter, teacher? Come on.

Oh, nothing. Just a slight attack of nerves, I guess.

Yes, well the nerve bone's connected to the heart bone.

- You wanna tell me about it? - No.

OK. I'm just trying to help.

Thanks. Stella, why don't you eat your lunch?

Lunch? What, who can eat when somebody's best buddy

is having emotional problems.

Come on, why don't you be a sport and tell me all about it.

Let me share your misery with you.

[Melissa] Sorry. There's just not enough to go around.

Uh did, uh, you and Jason have a contretemps?

That's French you know for a left in the mouth.

No. Jason wants to elope and I'm holding out for the wedding.

He thinks I'm a tower of strength, but I'm beginning to crumble.

Yes, well, so's everything else around you.

Look, uh, Melissa. Why don't you just take the boy by the hand and run,

do not walk, to your nearest Justice of the Peace.

What, and spoil all the plans?

Plans. Come on, the only thing you have to think about

is you're a woman and he's a man. Am I right so far?

- Well... - [crashing]

I know all the signs. Come here. Sit down.

It's an anxiety complex

and psychosis known in the trade as pre-nuptial dropsy.

Now look, why don't you just go over to Jason's house

and tell him he's the leader

or else this whole class is going to be a shambles.

Hey, Sam.

How would you like to share some hard-boiled eggs

- and tuna salad? - Sure.

No, no. Get up there. I want to look at you some more.

Oh, that's right. Now, here you are.

Now you try to find the words to tell me how wonderfully exciting I am.

- You're a beaut. - Well, it ain't poetry, but it's a beginning.

Now repeat after me,

Stella Irving is the only girl in the world for me,

beautiful, desirable, Stella Irving,

Stella Irving.

You got some salt in there?

Why, you want to rub it in?

[doorbell rings]

Good morning, Charley. Where's Mr. Steel?

Bedroom.

- Jason. - Hmm?

- Oh, what's wrong? - Oh, just a little upset stomach.

He had Quiche Lorraine last night.

- Quiche Lorraine. - Well. I'm upset, too.

I'm sorry about the way I acted last night,

but I'll make it up to you.

Oh, would you like some coffee.

Another cup, Charley, another cup.

- Jason. - Huh?

I want you to know that from now on we do everything your way.

Hey, maybe you want some bacon and eggs, huh?

Oh, darling. All that nonsense

about the wedding invitations being in the mail.

I am ready to dive into that cold water with you.

Hot cakes. Charley makes good hot cakes.

- But Jason. - Huh?

Have you been listening to anything I've said?

No, I'm sorry. Now what do you want, hot cakes or eggs?

Oh well, maybe I am being a little incoherent.

But I love you and I want to elope.

Here comes Charley.

I don't want to elope with him.

I told you she didn't like me.

Leave it.

- Jason, what's the matter? - Hmm?

Melissa, what happens when the excitement goes out of a marriage?

- Whose marriage? - Anyone's.

I mean do people change after they're married?

Oh. No wonder millions of people a week

like to watch you on television,

that child-like quality comes through.

I just asked a question about marriage.

- Now I'm Peter Pan? - I love you, Jason.

Now you rest and get better, and then we'll dec...

you'll decide whether we're going to have a large wedding or elope.

And don't you worry about the excitement going out of our marriage.

Hm-hm.

Anything else, Peter Pan?

Yeah. Get me another pill, Keyhole Charley.

- Wait. Good show. - Tell the truth.

You just watch the show to see the credits,

"produced and directed by Harry Tobler."

I also worked on the script with the writer.

You mean somebody gets paid to write these tearjerkers?

Why don't you watch the wrestling matches?

That's more your style.

You know, you're just lucky to have Jason Steel playing Dr. Adam.

Everybody who watches that show knows that

behind that quiet smile there's a wisdom and strength

that can carry his patients through

regardless of even if it's an incurable disease.

Get an incurable disease and let Jason smile at you quietly

and see how you make out. I'm off to the poker game.

Honey. Oh, honey, look.

Just tonight why don't you forget the poker game and,

well, take me dancing, huh?

Nothing's changed. You're still the same Pom-Pom Girl

from the class of '58.

You didn't object to my pom-poms then.

Oh, start acting your age, will you?

I don't mind acting my age. I just don't want to act yours.

You always have the last word. Do you mind if just once I have it?

Go ahead, have it. What word do you want?

Quiet, will you, you'll wake up the kids.

Kids?! You big ape. That's your last marriage.

We don't have any kids.

How lucky can you get?

[phone rings]

- Hello. - [Toby] Is Jason Steel there?

Yes. He's here. Just hold on, please.

Jason, it's for you.

- Melissa? - No.

Voice sounded familiar though.

Well, if it isn't Melissa, tell her I'm not in.

Oh, come off it, Jason. You just like girls.

It could happen to anyone.

I'm out.

- Hello. - Hello, Jason.

- It's me, Toby. - Who?

Toby. Toby Tobler.

Oh.

You sure you got the right Jason Steel?

Now, listen to me, Jason, and don't say a word.

Wait a minute.

Is there something wrong with your phone?

No, I'm speaking over the speaker.

Listen, Jason, don't say anything.

Just let me talk.

Now you've been friends with Harry for years.

The time has come when I've just got to speak to somebody about him.

You're the only real person we know.

Listen, if you care anything, anything at all about our future,

please meet me some place. At your house in ten minutes.

- Well, where? - Oh, be there.

I need you.

- I call. - Call.

There'll be a moment of silence for our dear departed.

He does a big business.

The man has a great many admirers.

He's going on his honeymoon in a couple of weeks.

He better save himself or the whole thing'll be like a re-run.

Straight flush, gentlemen.

Good evening. I'm going out to get some groceries.

- I got a long list. - Don't pay no never mind to him.

He's in need of psychiatric help.

Aren't we all?

Do you mind if I put on a little music?

I think it'll make things a lot easier.

I don't mind at all. The hi-fi is over here. Help yourself.

Oh, some of these are kookie.

I've got this one at home.

A little beaker of creme de menthe will be just perfect for me.

Hold me close, Jason.

I'm about to bare my soul.

[laughs]

Hi ya, Charley.

Want to listen to the ball game?

It's in the last of the fifth.

At my place the game just got started.

Wrap it up. [laughs]

You know, Jason, I'm a very romantic girl.

But romance flies out the window when your husband

spends his weekends with the children from his first marriage.

Well, Harry's very loyal to his kids and you shouldn't dance this close.

I want to be loyal to Harry.

I've come to you because I've just about reached the end of my rope, doctor.

How many times must I tell you. I... I'm no doctor?

I'm sorry.

It must be that quiet, understanding smile of yours that throws me.

Oh, you're quite a little dancer.

Oh, thank you. Let's sit this one out.

It's that understanding of yours that I must rely on.

You realize something's wrong with our marriage, don't you?

Oh, sure you do. I can tell by your just looking at me.

You're probably saying to yourself,

"Poor kid, she's had a rough time."

See, we can talk to each other without saying anything.

Well, good. Well, let's do that for a while.

- [chuckles] - M-m-m.

How wonderful of you to help me arrive at a sensible decision for my problem.

- That's all right. - Realizing at once what was the matter.

- Yeah, how about that? - If we had a baby?

- A what?! - If I had a baby.

You know I think that poker game should be breaking up by now, don't you?

But the music isn't over.

Well, uh, you better hurry, 'cause Harry'll be getting home soon, you know,

and if you want to, you know.

What difference does it make?

He'll only go right to sleep so he can play baseball

with those kids of his.

Well, I'll tell him about, uh, your problem. All right?

Goodbye.

I came in the back. I'm glad I didn't get here too soon.

It didn't matter when you got back. Nothing happened.

[door bell]

Good night.

Oh, by the way, sir. The Dodgers won, too.

- Cut. - [set bell]

Jason sweetie, what's wrong?

Where's the old "Dr. Adam" get-up-and-go, the team spirit, baby?

Lunch, one hour.

I think you'd better lie down, kiddie.

You're giving a very bad imitation of a doctor

- who's supposed to be infallible. - I'm sorry.

- I was up all night dancing. - Dancing?

You and my wife, Miss Pom Pom of 1958, ought to get together.

- Yeah, sure, yeah. - [laughs]

Try to snap out of it, Jason. Delays cost us a fortune

and besides the world is waiting for this segment.

Sure.

Hi ya, Melissa. I don't think you should keep him up

all night dancing. He's not as young as he used to be.

- What? - Listen, it happens to all of us.

Just take it easy on that boy.

That doll is my bread and butter.

Jason.

Oh, Melissa.

What are you doing here?

Well, that's a nice warm greeting. Anything wrong?

No, nothing wrong. Just asked what you were doing here.

Well, this is usually a short day for you,

so I thought as soon as you were free we could go to the beach for a picnic.

Sam and Stella are waiting in the car.

Yeah.

How do you feel about children, generally, that is?

I love children.

What's this all about?

I mean children, giving birth.

If you're talking about our children, I want a houseful of them.

No, I mean, say for instance I were married

before and I had a couple of kids by my first wife?

Would you resent it if I went to visit them on weekends?

Were you married before? Do you have a couple of kids?

That's not the point. Suppose I like to play baseball with them?

- What is the point, Jason? - Well...

...I forgot.

Melissa, I'd like to apply for a short postponement, huh?

Just who you think you're talking to, the Fight Commission?

Melissa. I'm tired. I've done a hundred and seventeen of these shows

in three years and... and no repeats. I'm just tired.

Well, there won't be a repeat of this either, you quack. Goodbye.

Hang on to your seat belts, we got a rejected girl at the wheel.

- Another contretemps? - No, no, just a short left to the heart.

Well, it serves you right for falling in love with a pretty face.

Anything I can do, Miss Morris?

Yes. Have an egg.

You know, every girl should be married to somebody like Sam here.

You feed him, read to him, a few hundred push-ups,

and you both sleep like dolls.

First wants to elope, then he doesn't, then he does, then he doesn't.

Now he wants to postpone the wedding.

Stella, you work for an analyst. You're around strange people all day.

- Including me. - What's the matter with Jason?

It's simple. He's got something

real wild going for him on the outside.

Oh no, no. I don't believe that.

You better take it from the old pro, kid.

Men are all the same and you got to discover some way to fight it.

Now, the first thing you have to do is find out who the competition is,

what they're selling, how they package it,

and then hit the consumer with everything you've got.

No, no.

I'm in.

Hey, who called Romeo on the phone this time?

It's a new dame every Wednesday.

Maybe he's doing some comparison shopping.

Well, if he's doing any shopping, it's on a global scale.

I thought the voice on the phone tonight was distinctly Oriental.

Oriental, hm. That's the way to go.

What's so special about Oriental women?

Once you get over the novelty of their bringing peace and dignity into the home,

and their all-consuming, self-sacrificing passion for their mates,

they're just like any other woman.

I call and raise.

Let's get the ribbon clerks out of here.

I find it very difficult tell you

about the troubles between Yoshimi and me.

Now wait a minute. I don't want to hear them.

I'm not that understanding.

Oh, you are modest.

Almost Oriental in your humbleness and politeness.

It is something Yoshimi has lost in his complete subjugation

to the customs of this country.

Mr. Jason, we are unhappy at the crossroads.

I don't mind having some water boiled,

but no more advice to married women.

It...it's too big a field.

I...I have problems of my own.

I just don't know which way to turn.

I... nothing's ever bothered me.

Now I... I find myself waking up every morning

- with a migraine headache. - Oh?

And I got to take these pills.

And I get little pains around the back and...

And my neck.

Let me make you comfortable.

There are countless generations of experience in these fingers.

They will remove any devils within you.

This sure beats taking pills.

You know you could get rich if you could bottle them fingers.

Oh.

- Oh. - [chuckles]

[grunts]

You will sleep the untroubled sleep of a child tonight.

Oh. Oh. Let me take off your shirt.

Just surrender yourself completely to my ministrations.

Unh.

Ah. I am very adept.

Yeah, beautiful.

♪ Do-ma bong gi-ry bong gi-ry bong ♪

- ♪ ka-ra sa- kia o-ran-do bon-ga ha ♪ - [hums]

[continues singing]

That's a beautiful melody. I love that melody.

Why...why are you taking off your shoes?

Oh, this is the final step to achieve perfect relaxations.

- It is? - Yes.

- [Jason] Beautiful. - Unh-huh.

[grunts]

♪ O do-ma bong gi-ry bong ♪

[Jason] That's the same tune, isn't it?

[continues singing, fades]

You're in an awful hurry tonight, Charley. What do you want?

Nothing. I just don't want to be at the house when it's raided.

One, two. [laughs]

A little...little more to the left, please.

♪ La, la, la La, la, la ♪

Once more around the park.

- ♪ La, la, la ♪ - [door bell]

Now who could that be?

- ♪ La, la, la, la ♪ - [door bell]

Your husband, Yoshimi?

Please, just think pleasant thoughts.

- [door bell] - Get off my b...

- Up. Off you go. - [door bell]

- You better go in the kitchen. - Oh.

- Come on in the kitchen. - Sorry, sorry.

Take your shoes. Get in the kitchen, huh?

- You want me to duck? - Yeah.

Sure. Yeah.

I'll bet it's Yoshimi. I'll go get rid of him, see.

Then, wait a...wait a minute. Then I'll get rid of you.

- [door bell] - In the kitchen, hide in the kitchen.

- [laughs] - [door bell]

- Hi. - Hi.

I called you at the poker game. They said you'd left.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I was just lying down.

Oh, I was worried about you. I thought you were sick.

Oh, music is like medicine.

They play it in hospitals.

Fine. I'll listen to a couple of records

and then I'll go to bed. Good night.

I think a soothing melody is better than anything.

- Just let that beat get you. - [music plays]

Ooh! Ooh!

There. I think you're feeling better already.

Some women give their men chicken soup.

Ooh. Not me. Ooh. I prefer music.

In some ways, I'm a doctor, too.

You don't know how I look forward to our little talks.

It's like home away from home.

Ooh.

This is a new beat.

Two, three, hold. Two, three, hold.

Two, three, hold. Two, three, hold.

Hmmmm. Two, three, hold.

Two, three, hold. Two, three, hold.

- [door bell] - You expecting anyone?

- Yeah. Anyone. - Oh no, it might be Harry.

He looked pretty suspicious before he went to the poker game tonight.

You haven't told him anything about us, have you, you little devil?

[door bell]

Not the bedroom. That's the first place they'll look.

Do you mind putting the music up a little?

- I want to practice that step. - [door bell]

Bon soir, Jason.

Oh, I had to come over so I took Tom's Jaguar and here I am.

I've cooked this new recipe for you.

- It's marvelous bouillabaisse. - I'm not hungry.

Oh, this is so delicious you will eat it whether you are hungry or not.

- I go to the kitchen and heat it. - No! Not the kitchen.

Look, what'd you say that w... bouillabaisse?

Well, I love bouill... when it's cold.

I love cold bouillabaisse. And, Jacqueline.

- Oh, thanks. - Jason, you mustn't push me to the door.

This is my husband's attitude.

- And I wanted to... - I don't want to be impolite,

but tonight I'd like to be alone, OK?

- Oh, it's terrible to be alone. - Now wait.

Your shirt, it's not even buttoned, see?

Now, look, you're going to spill your bouillabaisse here.

- That is what happens when you are alone. - Mrs. Edwards, please.

- [door bell] - Jacqueline.

- Tom... - Tom... It could be Tom.

Yeah, it could be Tom. No, no. Not there.

No, no, no. Not the bedroom. Jacqueline.

- No. - That's the last place

where my boy scout would look.

- [door bell] - The bouillabaisse. Donnez-moi ça.

Bouillabaisse.

- Oh. Here. - [door bell]

- Hi. - How do you do, Mister Steel.

- How do you do? - I'm Shield Number 9746.

Oh. Well, what can I do for you, officer?

Well, as you know, the Beverly Hills Police Department's first duty

is to its residents and we continually patrol

- the area of Beverly Hills. - Oh, very commendable.

I'll...I'll take ten tickets.

I'm not selling tickets, Mister Steel.

As I was saying, I patrol this area.

I'm really on my coffee break now, but duty comes first.

- Semper fidelis. - Thank you.

And when I saw the lights going on and off in your windows

and then noticed three strange cars parked in your driveway.

I thought I'd investigate.

Well, thank you, Shield Number 9746.

I, uh, I'll talk to my councilman about that. Good night.

- Mister Steel. - Yeah.

Are those cars familiar to you?

No, no, no. I don't know.

- I've never seen them before. - Well, in that case

I better take their license numbers, make a report

and find out from the owners just what they're doing here.

No, you don't understand.

Just a minute, officer. I think, uh,

I will take the pot.

And nothing is good cold. Bon soir. Bon soir.

[laughs]

Sayonara.

- [laughs] - Yes. Sure.

Well, Mr. Steel, you said those cars were not familiar.

Oh, oh, it's nothing at all.

You see we're just having a little

neighborhood community meeting about, uh,

we're going to rezone the district, that's all.

Well, I didn't know they had those kinds of districts in Beverly Hills.

I wish you'd invite me to the next meeting.

- Sayonara. - Ja wohl.

Get out!

Who's yelling?

[phone rings]

Doctor Kaufman's office. May I help you?

Oh, I'd like to talk to Doctor Kaufman please.

[exhales] Doctor Kaufman is busy with a patient now.

May I say who's calling?

Well, I'd like make an appointment with him, I would.

Uh, concerning what, sir?

Concerning me, ma'am.

Oh, well, uh, could I have your name and address,

for the records.

Well, I don't have an address. I... I live in the park.

It makes it easier to prey on little girls.

Uh, may I ask who recommended you, sir?

Doctor Sigmund Freud. He's splitting the fee.

Hey, come on, who is this anyway?

A nut. Who else did you expect?

[hangs up]

- [Harry] Roll 'em. - [bell rings]

Action.

- Blood pressure stable? - Yes, sir. 150 over 70.

Any bradyonea or bradycardia present?

No. Respiration at 16, pulse 68,

regular and of good quality.

- Intratrachia tube in place? - Yes, doctor.

Electro-cautery apparatus ready and pedal in place?

- Yes, doctor. - All right, let's go.

I think he's got it.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

This is the greatest operation

- Oo-oo. Oo-oo. - Dr. Adam ever performed.

It's magic time. Magic time.

Oooh. Oooh.

This'll get him the Emmy Award for sure.

Maybe one for me.

Don't shoot, don't shoot.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot, don't shoot.

- Don't shoot, - Cut!

- Don't shoot! Don't shoot! - What happened?

What ha... Will you tell me what happened?

- Don't shoot! Don't shoot! - What happened?

- Everything was going along fine... - Jason.

- I'm dead. I'm dead. - I was placing them up just like I was supposed to

...and...and the pressure electro-cautery apparatus...

I...I...I want an adjustment on my salary.

My agent told me it was going to be

a simple intestinal surgery.

He didn't say nothing about...about a fall.

It was...it was just an accident.

It...it won't happen again. Ha-ha.

[Jason] Sandy, I have to see you professionally.

- Professionally? Who's this talking, Jason? - Yes.

Jason, why you're the most happily adjusted person I know.

You want to talk to me professionally?

I don't believe it. You, Jason?

- Oh, shut up. - I tell you what, uh, Jason.

Why don't you come to see me? Wait a minute now.

Ah, yes, here. Thursday at, uh, two o'clock. How's that?

Sandy, you got a back entrance?

A back entrance? Oh, I see, I see.

You have to maintain that public image of yours, don't you?

Yes we have a back entrance and I'm going to tell you all about it

when I see you at the card game Wednesday.

All right, thanks, Doc.

- Oh, and by the way, Jason. - Huh?

Jason,, uh, I charge $50... [clears throat]

...excuse me, $50 an hour.

You can pay me in cash if you want to maintain utmost secrecy.

Well, unmarked bills, small denominations,

and I'll meet you at midnight at the corner of...

Woo!

All right, line 'em up. Jason.

We're ready for the shot.

OK, OK.

I'm not sterile, nurse.

Hold it! Hold it!

- Roll 'em. - [set bell rings]

- Achoo! - Gesundheit.

- Thank you. - [Harry] Cut!

[set bell rings]

Mona.

Mona, you look very sexy tonight.

[exhales]

How come you always say that on your way out of the house,

never on your way in?

I'm beginning to wonder about that myself.

Well, off to the game.

Oh, say, you know those hundreds of dollars I've been losing every week?

- What about it? - Well, it's all going to come back.

I'm starting to get some of the players as patients.

- Bye. - Sanford,

just wha...what am I supposed to do here this evening?

Pray that I win. It's community property.

Well, you wish me a little luck, too.

Because I may have a little community property on the line myself tonight.

[door closes]

[phone rings]

You all right? Why don't you stay down for the count?

- It's another admirer. - Just let me alone, will you?

- Yes? Yes? Yes? - Jason, this is Mona Kaufman.

Jason, I called you because I have the feeling

that you're the answer to all my problems.

- Unh-huh. - I know that this is mad,

it's crazy, but I feel so good

when I'm desired and lately I haven't been desired.

I thought that if you could just meet me somewhere, I'd explain.

Now quiet. Quiet. You listen to me.

Just listen to me! Look, I don't want any of you girls calling me up any more.

You understand? You got me crackin', you understand?

I don't want it. I'm sick and tired of it.

I'm sick and... You're sending me out of my mind.

Here! Here! Yah! Take it out of my stack.

- Jason. Jason. - He's upset.

Wait a minute. I want to talk to you.

Let me talk to him, fellows. Stay there.

Sit down, sit down. What's up with you?

You know, you're in a highly nervous state.

You're bordering on hysteria.

I think you've been juggling too many girls.

Now here's some professional advice.

Take two aspirins and go to bed.

On second thought, sit up all night.

I think you can use the rest.

Wait a minute. I want to see you in my office tomorrow at two o'clock.

I'm looking forward to your story.

[Stella] It's three o'clock in the morning.

Stella, please. Will you just go to sleep.

- Melissa. - What?

I got to talk to you about Jason.

Forget it. I don't want to discuss it.

- Melissa. - No.

I know this is very unethical, but I got to tell you.

Jason has an appointment to see Dr. Kaufman,

the head shrinker I work for.

- No! Not Jason. - Yes, Jason.

It's all very hush-hush.

But you know in the appointment book right at Thursday, two o'clock,

it says "Stella, mind your own business."

I had no idea he was so troubled.

You know, when a man like Jason Steel who has everything,

looks, money, talent,

makes a secret rendezvous with Dr. Nutcracker,

he's got to be flipping.

Melissa, this is the time he needs a friend,

- even if she is an enemy. - Well, what can I do?

You just stand by for reports from the front lines.

From now on I'm going to be Stella Spy.

I'm going to do a little Fifth Column work in that office

if I have to hide under the couch.

- Boss. - Huh?

If there are any calls, where can you be reached?

Will you stop trying to find out where I'm going?

B-boss, you didn't eat anything. I'm worried about you.

And I'm getting worried about you.

You're turning into a wife right in front of my eyes

and you don't appeal to me.

[honking horn]

[snores]

[clears throat]

Mrs. Lavin. [clears throat]

Mrs. Lavin, your hour's up.

Mrs. Lavin, Mrs. Lavin, your hour's up.

Here we are.

Well, we've made great progress today.

You've taken a giant step forward.

Here we are. Same time next week.

[knock on door]

Well, Sam Spade. Come on in.

Welcome to Wuthering Heights.

You sure no one will walk in on us?

No. You're as snug as a bug in a rug, for an hour.

Or fifty-eight minutes.

Well, come on, let's get to work.

Oh, no, no, no. I'd rather sit in a chair.

Suit yourself, Jason.

I want you to be as comfortable as possible.

Here you are.

You know we've found that, uh, when a patient lies down,

it relaxes him and he's able to talk with more freedom.

Well, all right, Jason.

Start talking about anything,

whether it relates to your immediate problem or not.

Will you stop peeking at your watch.

It's like you're looking at my money ticking away.

M-m. Short temper.

Yeah, I don't even know why I came here.

How I can have confidence in an idiot

who would draw to an inside straight, I don't know.

- Wasting time, Jason. - But I'm desperate.

I...I can't eat, I can't sleep.

My show is getting lousy.

I'm avoiding the only girl I ever loved.

When did you start noticing this change?

When did I first start noticing th...?

What a brilliant question. I can't talk to you, Sandy. You're a nut.

Jason, I'm not going to charge you for this session.

Here's the name of two other analysts, tops in their field.

I recommend them highly.

Are you crazy? It was rough enough coming here.

Now you want me to take the whole medical profession into my confidence.

If my sponsor ever finds out that I'm going to a shrinker,

my show will go off the air faster

than you can say Frank Sinatra.

Here's your list of analysts.

I'm sticking to you.

Even if I draw to an inside straight, huh?

You can take that out of my stack, too.

Go ahead and ask questions.

Jason, you've got a deep problem.

I don't know what is.

Take your coat off.

Roll up your sleeve.

As a doctor this isn't very orthodox.

But since you're resisting me,

there's a drug called sodium amytal

which will break down that resistance.

We get to your problems much faster.

Now usually, usually there are no after effects

and the patient remembers only what he wants to.

- Are you going to take it? - Anything.

Injection or on the rocks, I don't care.

This is an injection.

My nurse usually does this,

but since you want complete secrecy...

Ow!

All right. Just take a second.

- Unh. - There we are.

Ah. Ahhhh!

That's it. Nice and easy.

Now just start talking about all the things that trouble you, Jason.

Just remember you're with a friend

whom you love.

Here we are. Loves you. You can trust him.

He's tops.

Just say anything that comes to your mind.

[Jason] Oh, uh. [mumbles]

Ask Dr. Adam.

- Hm. - Ask Doctor Adam.

Dr. Adam.

Everybody thinks I'm Solomon or something.

Oh, I'd love to be happily married.

But look at those four guys I play poker with.

Their wives, huh.

Always calling me in the middle of a hand.

Hm. Oh. Oh. Oh. Toby Tobler.

Oh, two, three, hold. Two, three, hold.

Oh. Toby. You send me crazy when you dance so close.

Two, three, hold. Skip the beat.

Ah. Oh. Oh. Toby Tobler. Oh-h-h.

Oh, and...and Yoshimi's wife, Isami.

Oh. Ah. Oo. Just thinking about her.

Oh, that feels go... that's beautiful.

Oh, it feels great. Oh, Isami.

That's so wonderful. Oo-ooo, Isami, easy. Hah, hah, hah, easy.

Oh, that's beautiful. Oo-oo. Hah, hah, hah.

Easy now. Oh.

[hums]

Go on. Go on. Go on.

Ah. Oh. Ah, Isami.

Ah. Oh. Little more to the left.

Be careful, don't...don't...don't fall off. Don't fall off.

Ah. Oh-h-h. Oo-oo. Hah-ah-ah.

Oh, your toes feel wonderful.

Who's that?

That be your husband at the door?

Ah, what's the difference? Let him wait.

Let him wait. Oh, Isami, that feels beautiful.

Beautiful. Ah, little more to the left.

Oo. Mm. Aah.

Every Wednesday night something new,

something different.

Oh, that Jackie Edwards, Tom's wife.

Crazy.

Oh boy, if you haven't tasted her Quiche Lorraine,

you haven't lived. Wow-wee-wee-wee.

- I ever tell you about my childhood? - Wait, wait, wait. Look, wait.

I wanted a sled and I didn't have a sled, so I was riding...

- Jason... - ...down the hill on my brother.

Jason, don't get off the track, Jason.

You were talking...you were talking about the wives

of the men that you play cards with.

- Ah, oh. - The wives... the wives.

- Stay...stick with the wives. - Ah, ah, oh, oh.

Two, three, hold. Hm, hm, hm.

Oh, you remember that last phone call I got?

When I ripped out that telephone, I ripped it out

'cause I didn't have courage. If I had courage,

I'd have the craziest harem in town.

Oh, Melissa, I love you.

I'd love to be married to you, but two or three years from now,

I don't want to look across at that poker table

and watch some other guy get a phone call from you.

Aw, uh, coward. Give back, uh, that sled.

- The sled. Those sleds. - No, you, you,

you were talking about ripping the phone out,

ripping the phone out. Why?

Why did you rip the phone out, Jason.

Ah, that call was from Mona Kaufman.

- Who? - Mona Kaufman.

You know, that little jerk's wife.

[chuckles] Well, oh, boy, what a voice she's got.

One, two, three, hold. Oh, Toby. Mmmm.

It sounded easy. Ah, easy. Ah. Oo. Quiche Lorraine.

Uh, uh, uh, uh. Oh, Mona's voice.

She's got a voice that starts way down from the bottom of her insteps.

Oh boy. Just talking to her sent me out of my mind.

- Let's start... - I know if I were in a room alone with her.

- [chuckles] - Let's get back to your childhood, Jason.

I know I couldn't resist her,

and the way she sounded, it just wasn't an invitation

to oh, uh, uh dance.

It was an invitation to a wild relationship.

Hah. hah. But things are going to be different.

Huh... they're going to be all different.

- Oh, boy. - Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.

- That's enough, Jason. - Watch the tiger now.

- Jason. - Watch the tiger now. Oh. Two, two, two.

- Uh, two, three, four. - No, now, now, Jason.

It's all right, Jason.

Where am I, huh?

- You're in my office. - Oh boy, I feel great.

I'm loose as a goose.

Hey, I haven't felt this way in months.

I'm secure, relaxed. What did it? What did it?

How would a little jerk like me know?

Oh, the way I feel I don't care if anybody sees me or not.

I... I've made up my mind about my future, yes sir.

Listen, you're marrying Melissa and forgetting everything else.

No, doc. I don't know how, but...

but you gave me the courage to make the most of my opportunity.

From here on in I'm going to live the life of a happy bachelor,

let the chips fall where they may.

- No, wait a minute. Just...wait, Jason. - Huh?

Before you make any hasty decisions,

we've got have another session.

Tomorrow? Same time? Reduced rates?

Oh, no, no. I'll be too busy for that.

Ta ta. One, two, three, hold.

Two, three, hold. One, two, three, hold. Two, three, hold.

You don't even have to pay for my watch!

Hi there. I was just returning a book.

You have a nice library here.

All right, all right, you might as well know.

I'm an undercover man for the F.B.I.

Have you been in there all along?

Yes, sir. Are you going to fire me?

Do you realize that a madman just walked out of this office

and in no time's going to attack every married woman

- in the neighborhood. - And vice versa.

And I had to give him the courage.

Now I've got to find a way to stop him,

for the sake of humanity.

I got to find a way to stop him, too.

- You? - Sure. Otherwise, he'll never marry my friend, Melissa.

Oh, he'll never marry Melissa anyhow.

He'll never marry anyone.

You see, it's a psychological truism that once a man

gets hepped on married women, he can't kick it.

It's like, it's like a monkey on his back.

Only he's got five monkeys on his back,

including the one in your zoo.

Oh! Oh, Mona.

Oh! Mona, Mona! My Mona.

I never realized how desirable you were until now.

All my life I've always had everything the way I wanted it.

Now I can't face the reality of a failure.

- There must be a way. - Oh yes, Mona, there is,

there is a way. I just face you with it, honestly and sincerely.

Only I'm afraid that you're liable to answer me honestly and sincerely.

I don't think I could face that.

I think I've got it.

I've got it. I've got it!

- Are you still here? - Yes, sir.

Get out of this office! Get out of my life!

- Something wrong? - I must be out of my mind to put you

in a position of...of trust and security.

Well sir, isn't there anything I can do for you before I leave here?

I can put these names and addresses in your book.

Put that down. Put it down and get out of here.

You have committed a breach of ethics. Get out of this place.

A breach of ethics that is unforgivable.

And if you ever breathe a word of what you heard here this afternoon,

you will lose this job and I'll see that

you never work anyplace else again.

Yes sir, you're going to feel much better

after I get everything back to normal.

Especially yourself. Get out!

- That way! - All right.

Yoo-hoo, Charley.

- Yo. - Kitchen?

- Yeah. - OK, pal o' mine.

Do you know we got some things here, buddy.

Look at this. We have some beautiful things here.

H-handle with care, now. Handle with care.

Brand new L.P.'s, huh? Perez Prado,

wild Haitian music, Spanish Flamencos,

and some Perry Como for when my legs get tired.

- Crazy. - And some imported jasmine tea,

and some beautiful gourmet things for midnight snacks.

You're back in the winner's circle again, boss.

- [phone rings] - Oo, let's see.

The Jason Steel residence.

Uh, h-hello, I'd like to speak to Jason, please.

Oh-oh., uh, hold on. It's Melissa.

- Are you in? - Oh sure. It's time now for the farewell speech bit.

- Hello, Melissa. - H-hello, Jason?

Well, uh, look, I may as well be honest with you.

I want to get right to the point.

It's all over between us.

W-w-well, I should hope so. I-I'm getting married tomorrow.

Fine, and, uh, Melissa,

I think we have a bad connection.

Only between us.

Oh. Did you say you were getting married tomorrow?

Uh, yes. Yes. I'm sorry I can't invite you to the wedding.

It's only for the family. But, uh,

can...can you come to the reception?

All your friends will be there.

Yeah. Sure. I'll... I'll even bring a present.

[exhales] Ah?, uh, well, c-could you be at the Beverly Hills Hotel pool about one?

- Yeah, sure. - 'Bye.

'Bye. Huh, give me a pill.

- Well now, that's ridiculous. - [laughs]

That's absolutely ridiculous. I've got to be out of my mind.

Oh, don't you understand? Jason has a twentieth century neurosis.

The only way you can possibly get him

interested in you again is if you're a married woman.

Unless the ground is broken, this boy ain't going to build.

Excuse me. I always wondered why you work for an analyst.

Now I know. You get a professional discount.

No, I pay the regular rate.

I am going to call Jason and tell him the whole thing was a stupid trick.

That would be intellectually insulting,

emotionally immature, and psychologically... unpsychological.

- Do you love him? - Naturally.

- Well? - Well, that's why I don't want to fool him.

[sighs] Melissa,

it's no great thing to love a man enough to tell him the truth.

The important thing is if you love him enough to lie to him.

Huh, well now, there's an observation.

Sure, now the thing you have to do

is trick Jason into marrying you

and then wait until your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary

to tell him the truth.

Well, it isn't as if the big lug didn't deserve

- that kind of treatment. - They all do.

Besides your family's already paid for the wedding reception.

- Uh, Stella. - What?

Just one little, teeny, tiny inconsequential thing.

- What? - Who is going to be my husband?

- Husband? - Yes.

Husband. I got that figured out, too.

Mmm. I'll bet you have.

Course we're going to have to put in a big supply of hard-boiled eggs.

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

- Oh, no. Oh, no. - [laughs]

Stella, you're a genius. Waw!

[laughs] Yeow!

Thank you so much for going along with the gag, Sam.

If you ever want a husband for real, why I'm twice the man Jason is.

Oh, you now, now really. You just relax, Sam.

After all, it's only make believe.

Let's just call it a tryout, shall we?

Uh, hey Sam. You know we hired you for the wedding,

not the honeymoon.

I've always had a yen for you, teacher.

Oh, really, well isn't that nice.

Uh, Sam, uh, you know, I'm terribly parched.

You know what I'd like? I think I'd like some champagne.

But, uh, don't let it get warm in your hot little hand, all right?

[laughs] How about that kid? He's got the body of a Greek god and the mind of Lolita.

You know, you really do look lovely.

Sitting around the art class, flexing his muscles,

he looked so simple and sweet.

Yes, well I always say you never really get to know a person

'till they put their clothes on.

Oh, thank you, Sam, that's... Oh.

- [Stella] Cool it. Here comes Jason. - [Melissa] Cool what?

- Uh. Oh. Oh, surely. - Kiss him. You love him.

Howdy how. Hi there.

Oh, hello, Jason. This is my husband, Sam Jones.

Well, congratulations. Wow. Hah-hah.

Whatever else you do, don't shake hands with him.

Well, where are they?

Who? Your relatives from Oklahoma.

Oh well, they're, uh, uh. Come on, Sam.

Hm?

You said you didn't want to elope with me

because you said you wanted all your Okie friends at the wedding.

Now, where are they?

You made it sound like such a big deal

I wanted to meet them, that's all.

- For heaven's sake. - Hey Jason. Come on. Let's dance.

Your mother and your brother and your sister and mmm.

Jason. Jason. Let me be your security blanket.

Oh, but I love her, Stella. I love her.

I know, I know you love her, Jason,

but you had plenty of opportunity to marry her when she was single.

- That's right. - Do you know what's wrong with you, Jason?

What, what, what?

You have a basic hostility towards women.

Did you hate your mother?

Look, look, look. I love Melissa,

but I ain't going to get caught in no trap,

and I'm not sticking to one girl.

My life's going to be one whole big happy smorgasbord.

Yeah. Well, if you ever need a piece of herring,

you know where to find me..

Hey, Jason, they're lining up for the wedding picture.

- C'mon. Huh, please. - No.

I'm against wedding pictures and I'm against weddings.

- Come on, Jason. Be good. - Right over here.

Oh, come on over here, Mr. Steel.

- All right, a little closer. - Join the picture.

No sense being a poor loser. [laughs]

I'll have you know I'm one of the best losers you ever met.

You know, people come from miles around,

just to watch me smile when I lose.

So do me a favor, drop dead.

[screams]

I'll take a half a dozen of those and put it on my tab, baby.

Help!

Help!

[glass crashes]

I think we've got Jason right where we want him.

Well, it sure cooled off Sam.

Hey guys, I...I want to apologize for pushing you all in the pool.

Aw, we forgive you, buddy boy, and we understand.

And we love swimming with all our clothes on.

Sure. No hard feelings, old man.

What's good enough good enough for us. It was fun.

And you're lucky you didn't get married.

Now you can have any girl the world, but anyone.

Well, I am not one of these yes men.

My living does not depend on you.

Now I'm going to send you a bill for a new suit and my wife's dress.

Now how do you like them apples?

[phone rings]

[Melissa] Hello.

- Hello. - Could I speak to Jason please?

Oh, hello. Yes. Right here. Hold it.

- For you. - Who is it?

Oh, hello, Jason. It's Melissa.

Oh. Jason, I'm so terribly unhappy.

I want somebody I can talk to.

Somebody I can trust.

Beautiful.

Well, could you meet me at my place in a little while?

Uh, w-well, yes, y-yes, I think that can be arranged.

- I'll hurry over. - All righty.

I am going to hit the consumer with everything I've got.

- You can go now, Charley. - I usually do.

And congratulations on your marriage, Mrs. Jones.

There's nothing to fear but fear itself, is there?

Charley. Charley!

He uh... he went shopping.

Melissa. I didn't expect you to get here before I did.

Jason, I was...I was so anxious to talk to you.

I even had time to make you a little something.

- Please sit down. - I'm not hungry.

Oh, uh, please, please.

It'll make it so much easier for me to talk.

- Un-huh. - Now, uh, first.

First I... I want to apologize for imposing

- upon our friendship, but uh... - OK.

You were the only one I could turn to at a time like this.

- All right. - Now here. You taste this. It's delicious.

- Melissa, I... - Now, I made it just for you.

- Now, come on. - I'm not hungry.

O-o-open. Yes. Now isn't that good?

You like that? Isn't that good?

- Hm-mm. Yes. - Melissa.

Not bad.

It's fabulous. What...what is it?

- Soufflé au fruits. - No.

- [inhales] Yes. - Hm.

Oh, Jason, Jason, I'm so terribly unhappy.

But I thought you could help me because we've been so close.

And this'll make us become even a little closer.

Right? What's in it?

- Uh, uh fruit. Cream. - Hm-hm.

Uh, sugar. Uh Grand Marnier.

- No. Hm. - Yes.

Oh, Jason, I made such a terrible mistake

when I married Sam. I realize that now.

- I just wanted... - You never told me you could cook.

Oh, oh, I...I, uh,

I didn't want come between you and Charley.

Charley can do that.

- Don't you want to help me? - Well, y-yes.

I want to help you. You can talk while we dance, can't you?

- Un-huh. - You know something?

We...we never danced much together before.

- No. - Hm?

Oh, Jason, you have such an understanding of a woman's problems.

That's why I thought you could help me with mine.

I've already... I've already left Sam

and moved in with Stella.

Oh, that perfume.

Do you have no idea how long that's haunted me.

- H-haaa. - Mmmmm.

[music plays]

Oh, I never realized what I've lost until tonight.

- Oh. - Mmmm.

Oh, uh. I...I...I think maybe you're a little overwrought and tense.

Well, of course I'm tense with you pushing me away all night.

What's the matter? Are you unhappy?

- No. Not... no. - Well.

Uh, uh, oh, w-why don't you take off your j... your jacket.

- I'll relax you. - Fine.

Good. Oh yes. Sure.

- My goodness. - Ohhh.

Working all day, playing poker all night.

Why your nerves are just all bunched up.

Yeah. Oh, that's lovely, Melissa.

I never had it done with just wrists before.

- Oh, Melissa. - Hm?

You're the perfect woman.

- Aha. - Oh, you've got everything.

You're even married. Mmmmm.

- I have something else, too, Jason. - Yes.

- Something that makes me imperfect for you. - Hm?

I'm faithful.

I may not have much of a marriage, but I'm faithful.

Well, that's the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.

Take off my shirt, hm?

Now for the final step

to achieve perfect relaxation.

Oh, boy.

- Good. Good. Hm. - Hm-hm.

[humming]

Melissa?

- Sayonara. - Sayonara?

I'm getting sick and tired of this silly charade.

If Jason wants me, he can find me,

even in Oklahoma.

It was going so great.

Just a couple of more sessions and you'd have had him hooked.

Stella, when love comes along,

it comes along without tricks and without subterfuge.

That sounds like something that came out of a fortune cookie.

[knock on door]

I'll get it.

[Jason] Hello, Melissa.

Jason. Uh, th-thank you.

- I'm, uh, awfully glad you came because... - I want talk to you alone. Hm?

No. N-n-no, no. No.

Anything that you have to say to me

can be said in front of Stella.

She's really part of the family.

Oh. Well no, I mean the family

shouldn't hang around at a time like this.

- I... I'll go some place. - No, no, that's perfectly all right.

- Wha-what is it? - Maybe you should have a witness.

Melissa, I'm going to be as honest and truthful with you

- as you've been with me. - Oh.

Yeah. Now I went through a period where I didn't think much of marriage,

anyone's marriage. Uh, I lost faith.

But since then, I've regained it, principally because of you,

- and I love you, Melissa. - Hm.

I want to marry you. Here, in Oklahoma, or in Timbuktu.

Oh, I love you, too, Jason.

[sniffles] Does somebody have a handkerchief?

I'm going to cry.

- [cries] - Oh, Jason.

- Yes? - Did you just propose to me?

Sure, I did. I want to marry you.

Oh, and I want to marry you, too.

- When? - Soon as you arrange for a divorce.

- Uh, divorce? - Sure. From Sam.

Uh, you remember Sam. It's funny how those first husbands slip your mind.

- Jason. - Hm?

Jason, there's something very important I've got to tell you.

Jason, it's all set up.

There's no problem at all because Melissa

and I are flying to Tijuana today.

I know a Mexican lawyer down there,

and I'll have her back for you tonight all free and clear.

Good, Stella. I never appreciated you.

- That's what they all say. - Honey, I've got to go finish the show,

and then when you get back we'll arrange for the marriage.

- But... - OK?

- Wonderful. We'll see you. - All right.

- I love you. - She loves you, too.

- Aaaa! - I can't!... I cannot go through with another lie.

If you don't go through with it,

you're going to lose him for all time.

You heard what he said.

He said he'd lost his faith and then he regained it,

and there's only one lost faith to a customer, Melissa.

- Well, I just feel awful. - Oh, Melissa, listen.

I've got it all figured out. You gotta play this by ear.

Now here's the plan. We get in the car.

We drive to the beach. We see a few hundred movies.

- Oh, for heaven's sake. - Will you listen to me!

We see a few hundred movies, and then we come back

minus one over-developed husband

and nobody's going to be the wiser.

- Stella. - Huh.

- Can I ask you something? - Yes. What?

In every other situation I really do believe

that I've acted like an intelligent,

- well-balanced human being. - Yes.

Now just tell me, why is it when I'm around you,

I suddenly turn into a stuttering, lying schoolgirl!

Look, Melissa. I'm no Svengali.

But it just doesn't make sense for you to tell Jason about Sam now,

when you can wait 'till your 25th wedding anniversary

when you're sick and tired of each other. Now come on.

- Oh, Stella, please. - Come on. I've got to go to work.

- I'd much rather just stay... - [knock on door]

- Hi. - Oh d...

I just called the television studio. Guess what?

- You don't have to work today. - That's right.

- And you're going to fly to Tijuana with us? - How did you know?

Oh, I have a premonition for good news that's positively disgusting.

- Hm. Good. Yes. - Come on.

Hm?

You mean the judge just signs a decree and that's it?

Yes. Yes. That's it.

Well, I'm virtually free now.

My goodness, I do hope Stella hurries,

and gets here with that lawyer.

- Let me understand it clearly, señora. - Señorita.

- Oh, my apologies. - Oh, nada.

You want me to get the judge's signature

on this and for that you give me my regular fee.

That's correct. All I have, in advance.

But it's very imperative that you get someone

as important as the judge to sign this petition.

I admit it's a beautiful petition.

Muchas gracias, señor.

Oh, that is Melissa Morris Jones.

Who-who.

Ha-ha-ha. Uh-hm.

She heads the committee that is circulating

the petition to restrain American tourists

from transporting Mexican Art Treasures into the United States.

Bravo. But, uh, cannot Melissa Morris Jones

wait until the end of the court day

for the signature on this worthy document?

No-no-no, señor.

You know you must have your fee now,

and we must have our signature on the petition now.

- I understand. - Bueno. Bueno.

Excuse me one moment.

Adelante. Y nos van a decir ellos lo que va apassar? No?

Un momentito, eh?

Que quiere usted?

- Muy buena suerte, licensiado. - Muchas gracias.

Hasta luego.

Muchas gracias and adios.

Por favor.

Ha-ha. Oh, what a smooth operation. Everybody's so polite.

- This is hard to believe. - Yes, isn't it?

- So that's the decree. - Un-huh.

Yes, it is. A lot of Spanish and just a smattering of Latin.

My mother tongue. Hey, I got a great idea.

- What? What? - Let's get out of Tijuana.

- Yes. - Oh, no. This is an occasion.

- Let's celebrate. - Well, can't we wait to do that

- until we get back to town? - No.

Jason, I understand if you get in any kind of trouble here

they slam you in the pokey and they throw the key away.

- That's right. True. True. - Stella, now why would you get into trouble?

- Me? Trouble? - Yes. Why? Why?

Her? Trouble?

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Come on. We're going to hit all the high spots.

It's not every day that a guy gets to celebrate

- his girl's divorce. Let's go. - Oh, dear.

- No. Really? - Let's celebrate.

We're going to drink up a lot tonight. Yes.

We got to go home. I remember I left the gas on

in the apartment and I should be there.

- Control yourself. - I got to go home.

- Pull yourself together. - Everything will blow up.

Relax. We'll get the midnight plane.

- Will you come here? - I'm relaxed.

Oh señor, you are just in time for the last show.

- Oh, good. - I give you the best table in the house.

Wonderful. Wonderful. Huh?

Sit. Sit, girls. Sit. Not the same seat.

Oh, excuse me.

- Your finest champagne, please. - Si, señor.

- [music plays] - [chatter]

This is what I call on-site inspection.

[cheers]

That's another one.

- Happy, happy. - We were just leaving.

- Oh, adios. - But before we leave,

my friends and I wanted to sign your wonderful petition.

Oh, ho, ho.

Silencio, por favor, un momentito.

The same petition the judge signed.

My friends, here, would like to see the art objects of Mexico

remain in Mexico, too.

Do you know what he's talking about?

Oh-ah-ah-ah. Uh. Uh, señores,

uh tenemos, uh, todas las firmas que necesitamos;

muchas gracias. Buena suerte. E pluribus unum.

- [laugh] - Adios, muchachos.

- Muchas gracias, senorita. - Muchas gracias. Hasta la vista.

We got to go because I left the thing on the...

Wait a minute. Your mother tongue, huh?

Is this a divorce decree or isn't it?

- No, it isn't. - Then what is it?

Well, it...it all started with the wedding reception.

I was never really married to Sam.

It was a...all a trick and I'm ashamed of myself.

And this decree is a trick, too?

- Yes, I suppose it is. - Oh, no. I can explain.

Stella, please.

Jason, look.

I may never be able to come up with an adequate explanation.

It's just that I love you so much

and you were so involved with all those married women.

I thought it would be worth shaking you up, no matter what.

I waited a long time before I found someone I thought was the right girl,

level-headed, strong and honest.

Then I open the box of cracker-jacks and look what I get.

Look at the prize I get.

- Jason, Jason. - Un momento, un momento.

Lo que yo quiero saber es quien va a pagar la cuento.

I don't know what you're talking about.

- Who pays? - Oh! Oh. How much is it?

Oh.

Diner's Club?

Carte Blanche?

American Express? Money?

- How about a library card? - Jewelry. You have jewelry?

No. Now wh-why don't you just let us go.

We'll send you what we owe you.

- Everyone say that. - Well, what do you want us to do? Wash the dishes?

- I can get dishwashers for two pesos a day. - Well good for you.

Well then, why don't you just call the police?

No señor! Would you hush up. I'm already a three time loser.

There must be a way. Señor, there must be a way.

[music starts]

[groans]

[cheers, whistles]

[applause]

[shrieks]

[screams]

[shrieks]

- [shrieks] - [applause]

[screams]

- Oh Stella, no! - [music stops]

[cheering]

[door bell rings]

[sneezes] Oh.

I just got back from Tijuana where I caught a very bad cold.

- What do you want? - Jason, I w... [sneezes]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to explain to you about Melissa.

- It was all my fault. I didn't know that... - Good night.

[sneezes]

[clamoring]

Jason, you and Melissa were made for each other

- and I unmade you. - Officer.

Jason, all you have to do is go see Melissa.

Please just go see Melissa.

Jason! For Pete's... let go!

Jason!

Are you sure you won't change your mind about Melissa?

No, I don't th... Wh... Get out of here!

- [Harry] Cut! - Jason!

[set bell]

Oh, hello. Hi, boss.

- You here alone? - You said it.

I'm, uh, going to be here alone from here on in.

Unless that crazy Stella comes down that chimney.

Charley, will you have a booze.

Not me. I took the pledge.

The pledge? What pledge did you take?

What? Right after I saw your last show.

You know, the one where you cured that hopeless alcoholic

and he went on to play the violin in Carnegie Hall.

Ah, that was beautiful, wasn't it?

I haven't touched the stuff since then.

I'm a wonderful doctor.

I wish I could do something about me, though.

- Well, good night, boss. - Charley, come here.

What do you do when you love somebody you really hate?

You gotta go one way or the other.

You gotta love or you gotta hate.

Boy, do I hate her. Oh, I hate her.

Now Charley, let's have a drink.

Oh, I forgot. I cured you. Right?

The thing for you to do, boss, is to get her out of your system.

Go and tell her you hate her to her face.

Yes, she tricked me. She made a fool of me.

Otherwise you'll be drinking here every night

and you'll be the only one who knows why you're drinking.

You're right. You're right, Charley.

They're all from the same stable.

I want to tell her right to her face that I hate her.

Great idea.

Otherwise, I'll be the only one who knows why I'm drinking.

Then you can throw this in the ash can with a clear conscience.

Yes, throw it in the ash can with a clear c...

Boy, if you could only cook.

[knock on door]

Jason! Oh Jason! It's so good to see you.

Oh, it's like a dream come true.

Oh Jason, you and Melissa were made for each other.

- You'll see. - Where is she?

Well, she's in there taking a hot bath to relax.

Poor kid. She's so mad at me she won't even speak to me.

- But she'll get over it. - Get out.

- Just get out. - Oh Jason, she won't even speak to you, either.

You better be careful and not go in.

Jason, what are you doing? Jason, w-what are you doing?

Jason, I can help you. I work with mental illness.

Believe me, I know what makes you tick.

I don't know why people don't take my advice.

I've been so successful in running my own life.

Look, I have this lovely home and a beautiful husband

and six gorgeous kids and they're all just crazy about me.

Down the street there's an all-night movie.

- That was my plan. - Get out.

[Melissa] Go away, will you, Stella.

Stella, we have nothing to discuss.

No.

Look, I know I'm as much to blame as you are.

But on account of that stupid trick I'm liable to lose

the most wonderful thing that's ever happened in my life.

I've never met, nor hope to meet, Jason's equal.

Just thinking about the possibility of never

seeing him again shatters me completely.

I'll move out tomorrow and wait and pray for Jason to come back.

I love him very much and I can't live without him.

- Jason! - I came over to tell you

that I hate you to your face.

And no girl is ever going to push me around again.

Now I can throw your picture in the waste basket with a clear conscience.

- Oh. - So long.

Oh!

[cries]

- I can't live without you, either. - [cries]

Let's get married tonight.

Did you really think it was Stella

outside that bathroom door,

or is this just another trick? Hm?

There'll always be that little doubt, won't there?