All language subtitles for Whos.Been.Sleeping.in.My.Bed.1963_track3_eng

[clamoring]

[baby coos]

I don't want the baby.
I don't want the baby!

I don't care what it is!
I never want to see it!

- [vase crashes]
- [cries]

You have a beautiful
eight pound baby girl.

- Take it away! I hate it!
- Dr. Adam.

I hate it!

Where is he?

What is this, Mr. Grayson?

Our bank accounts.
She can have 'em.

Also the kid.

She knew I didn't want
this dull family life.

So I'm cutting out.

Well, have a good trip.

Your wife said you would
act just like this.

Oh, she did, did she?

That's right. She doesn't
want you around the baby.

She thinks you're too
immature to handle family life.

Me? Immature?

Who is she?
Grandma Moses?

Wait, Wait. Sh-h-h.

Wait.

Would you like to see your baby
before it's taken away?

Taken away?
Who's taking her away?

Your husband.
He's right outside.

Oh, no! [cries]

You bring that kid
here to me. She's mine.

Mine. And don't tell me
she's beautiful.

Where's the baby?

Didn't know
you were interested.

[baby cries]

She's beautiful.

I'm beginning
to think so, too.

You know my study?

I'll fix it up
into a nursery.

I don't want you
to give up your study.

Darling, we can close off
the dining room.

We can put the table
and the chairs in the garage.

Dr. Adam, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Oh. Just remember this.

The excitement
does not go out of marriage.

It just takes on
different colorings.

And you must be mature enough
to adjust to the changes.

There's a lot more
to being a doctor than

reading thermometers
and taking pulses.

Congratulations, Dr. Adam.

It's all in a day's work.

- Cut!
- [bell ringing]

- That's it. It's a wrap.
- [applause]

Thanks, kiddies.
Cool 'em. I love you all.

Jason! Jason,
wait for the master.

Jason, sweetie,
what's wrong?

What's wrong? After three
years of this jazz,

I'd like to find one
disease I can't cure

and one problem I can't solve.

- Why don't you make me human?
- Don't knock it.

Variety has us the
number one show again.

You're putting cowboys
and Indians out of work.

Look, old man, as account
executive may I point out

that we must perpetuate
the image of Dr. Adam...

warm, kind, understanding.

Come on,
knock it off, huh?

The agency had to put
twelve more girls on
to handle your fan mail.

We should all face Madison
Avenue and give thanks.

I'd like you to read that
fan mail some times.

Ask Dr. Adam.

Why, they ask me questions
that would run Doctor Kinsey

right into another business.

Why, maybe if I blew a few
delicate operations, huh?

You're just tired,
Jason.

Or if I made a few stupid
suggestions to

some of my patients or filled
out the wrong prescription

or maybe blew up
the hospital. Something.

- See you at the game tonight.
That'll relax you.
- Yeah.

We made him a national idol,
loved by millions
and he isn't happy.

Well, he's going through
a very trying period.

Yeah. One of the great
swingers of our generation

is about to get married.

Maybe we should try
and talk him out of it?

Why should we?
No one talked us out of it.

Hello, Al,
this is Tom Edwards.

Look, I called to ask
if you really would try

and get the delicatessen
order up here on time tonight.

[muffled response]

Because we, uh, we do like
to break for food

around 10:30 and...

OK. Fine.
Thanks so much.

Hello, darling.

Why you look as though
you just stepped out

of a Chef Milani commercial.

Why all the goodies?

But Tom, you forgot
today's our fifth
wedding anniversary.

I cooked a beautiful dinner.

But you're so busy
with your poker.

Oh darling, I hate poker,
you know that.

But I must create
a camaraderie with the men
on my television team.

I don't want the fact
that I went to Harvard

to affect
our work relationship.

Don't you see, darling,
I...I'm just trying to be
one the boys.

Why can't you be one
the boys with me one night?

[cries]

Especially our wedding
anniversary?

Oh now darling,
let's not be slaves
to this middle-class nonsense.

It's just another date
on the calendar.

Now look, you just put that
dinner back in the freezer

and we'll celebrate
tomorrow night.

There's no more room
in the freezer.

What with the dinner
from our fourth anniversary,
and the third one,

et le second
et tous les autres.

Ne te faches pas, Jacqueline.
Qu'est-ce que je peux faire?

Je ne peux pas
les decommander.
Hello, Harry?

- This is Tom.
- Hi, Tom.

Look, uh, Yoshimi's car
is on the blink.

A-a-and I wonder
if you could pick him up?

- Be glad to.
- Good.

Goodbye.

I... I've
got to pick up Yoshimi.

Aw, honey,

forget the game tonight
and take me dancing.

Perez Prado's playing
at the Biltmore.

Dancing?
That's all I need.

I've had two heart attacks
already whirling around dancing
floors with you.

I need this night to
rest up between cardiograms.

- Don't wait up.
- What for?

You rest when you come home,
too.

[speaks foreign language]

[coughs] I don't get it.

I buy you this brand
new General Electric kitchen

and you want to cook
in the living room.

Oh, just like our ancestors.

[car horn honks]

Oh, there's Harry.

I'll have delicatessen
at the game.

Oh, Isami.

Hey, from now on let's have
dinner sitting in chairs.

My legs fall asleep
curled under a table.

- That's for gardeners.
- Oh. That is one tradition
we will not give up.

For generations our people...

All right. All right.
All right. All right.

Don't bug me.

Oh. Yoshimi-san.

Uh, would you consider
sacrificing the game tonight?

After working so hard,
you need the quiet,
relaxing time of your home.

- [car horn honks]
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, Tiger.

I get Oriental meditation
all week long.

Come Wednesday night
I need a little action.

[instrument sounds]

Oh. The next time we move
it's gonna be old Spanish

with the arches, and...

Daijobu.
Itteira shiai mase.

Don't wait up
for me, dear.

You won't have to
pick up Yoshimi tonight.

- Oh, good, good.
- Sanford.

Sanford, uh... How about
missing poker just one night?

I, uh, have tickets

for a lecture on
pre-Columbian art with,

uh, with colored slides.

Slides.
Oh. Come here, dear.

Mona, I listen to my patients
all day long.

At night I like to listen
to the sound of chips.

That's therapy for me.

Well, maybe I'll find myself a
little therapy one these nights.

About six feet of therapy.

Fine. If you do, show me
the slides in the morning.

Good night.

If I'm here in the morning.

Mona. Mona, Mona.

Mona, let me give you
a little free advice.

You'd be in a healthier
mental state if you just

resigned yourself to the fact
that I play cards every
Wednesday night.

Now why don't you try to
be like Leonard's wife, Doris.

Whatever Leonard does
is great with Doris.

And the boys are waiting.

[screams]

Good night, good night,
Leonard.

And good luck at
the game tonight, darling.

Don't lay it on,
will you, Doris?

Well, I mean it.

Honey, I understand your reasons
for wanting to play poker,

stupid as those reasons
might be.

And darling,
while you're out,

I'll sew some socks and
I'll fix the washing machine.

You know, those plumbers
charge a mint.

Well now, here's
a clean hankie. There.

And darling,

I managed to
save some money out
of my household allowance

and I slipped it into your
wallet just in case you lose

more than you think
you can afford.

I don't know how you work it,
but every Wednesday night
when I leave this house,

I feel guiltier and guiltier.
It's got to build to a point

that one of these nights
I'm just going to kill you.

But, if it'll
make you happier, darling.

[Jason] Why don't you give me a
chance to explain what I mean.

[woman] I know what
you're driving at.

But you're just not
considering my feelings.

[Jason]
Stop getting so sensitive.

It was a lovely dinner.
Now maybe you better
go to your poker game.

You know it's time to
leave for the poker game.

Charley, will you
stop clocking me?

- The fellas get sore
when he comes late.
- Charley.

I haven't touched a drop.
And it's after eight already.

Maybe it is time
for you to go.

Will you two stop
pushing me to the game?

I'm not going to go
until I talk with you.

We got a problem.

Aw, you can't keep
any secrets from Charley.

His ear just reaches
the keyhole.

- That's not funny.
- That wasn't bad.

That is,
if you understood it.

- What he meant
was I was so short.
- Charley.

I'll go quietly.
When I blow the whistle,
come out fighting.

He's through.
I'm going to give this,

this wino one month's salary,
then I'm going to point him
towards Napa Valley.

[laughs]
I've never seen you so tense.

Why shouldn't I be tense.

I, I've got this wedding
hanging over my head.

You make it sound like
the guillotine.

Well, it is.

I mean if I were
married a couple of times before

I wouldn't be so nervous.

Melissa, look, look,
let's elope, huh?

Oh, honey, let's elope,
huh? What say?

Let's forget about
the wedding, huh?

Well sure, you don't go into
cold water little by little.

- You dive in, right?
- Oh.

Is that your considered opinion
about marriage, cold water?

No, that's not, that...
It's the preliminaries
that get me down.

Look, in the South Seas
two kids meet,

they split a coconut,
and that's it.

Let's sneak away tonight.

Jason,
what's the matter with you?

You know we've made plans
that include other people.

Relatives of yours
that I've never met.

Why can't we change
the plans?

You're just like
the Rock of Gibraltar.
Come on, huh?

Darling, if it made any
sense to change them,
we'd change them.

But we can't,
it's too late now.

What do you mean,
it's too late?

Why can't we do anything on
the spur of the moment, huh?

Let's elope, come on.

I'll talk to you
about it in the morning.

Let's elope.

Don't you ever call me
the Rock of Gibraltar again.

- Have a little beef?
- Yeah. Had a little beef.

Well, this is just
the opening race on the card.

Wait'll you're married
and get to the big handicap.

- Yeah?
- Look, Mr. Steel, I know women.

- Yeah, short ones.
- Short ones, tall ones,

they're all out
of the same stable.

Once they get the bit between
their teeth, you can't hold 'em.

First thing she does
when she moves in,

- she gets rid of me.
- What's bad about that?

I don't care
about losing the job.

I can go back to my
riding career and get a few
mounts here and there.

I just hate to see
you cut down as a man.

I know, I know.
I'm late for the game.

I know that.

- Pass.
- Check.

- Open.
- Aw.

Hey, Jason. What do you do?

Oh. I'm in.

[chuckles]
What's the matter?

Things not
going well with Melissa, huh?

I got a bus schedule,
in case you want to blow town.

- [laughter]
- Oh, leave him alone.

Listen, a fellow only
gets married once.

Yes, and if you work it right,
once is more than enough.

I don't mind telling you
that Melissa's the nicest thing

that ever happened to me.

And after I get hitched,

we're going to have open house
every Sunday.

Just for you guys.

So you can watch and learn
and be grateful.
For what you have.

- Right. Sure.
- [laughs]

Very nice, very nice.

That's the first commercial
I ever heard on marriage.

- [laughter]
- [Sanford] Well, you see,
that's over-compensation.

It signifies that, uh,
he's a little shaky about
making the plunge.

- Very good, doc.
- Give me one, will you.

I'm going to fill one
of these inside straights yet.

- In the middle?
- Yeah.

- Inside straight, hmm.
- [phone rings]

- I'm in.
How do you like that?
- Don't trust us.

- Hello.
- Jason.

- Who?
- Jason Steel.

Just a minute, please.

Jason.

Me?

Some dame who sounds like
she's got a handkerchief
over the mouthpiece.

- Ask who it is?
- I don't want to pry into your
extracurricular activities.

Changed my private phone number
three times to get
away from these crazy dames.

Then they track me
down here.

[laughter]

Who is it?

- It's Jacqueline.
- Who?

Jacqueline Edwards.
I had to talk to someone.

Just to give you an idea
how I spend my Wednesday nights.

I'm calling from
a drive-in movie.

There's a Roman
orgy on the screen,

but it's nothing compared to
what's going on in the cars.

And I'm here alone.

Well, look, just, uh,
send your name and address

to the network, and they'll,
uh, they'll send you a couple of
tickets to the TV show.

Jason, stop this.
You're the only one who can
help me keep my sanity.

- But uh...
- I'm all alone
in a strange country.

If you hang up or try
to get rid of me, I'm doomed.

You must meet me
and advise me what to do.

I'll drive
over to your house.

No, no.
Stay in your car.

Uh, you'll probably
miss a good movie.
Stay in the car.

I'll park outside your house
until you get there.

I know it's not in your
nature to turn away
from someone in trouble.

Hello, hello.

Cashing in?

He's got that look
on his face.

Don't stay up too
late, buddy boy.

We shoot in the morning.

Well, chaps, it's drink time.

You think it's another girl.

I guess when you're
a television doctor,

you got to make
a lot of house calls.

[Charley] Hey. What are
you doing home so early?

Oh. How do you do,
Mrs. Edwards. Nice night.

- I'll be leaving in a minute.
- That's not necessary, Charley.

I got to get my shopping list.
We're out of just everything.

Charley,
it's a quarter of eleven.

That's the best time.
The stores are empty.

Now, it's a long list
so make yourself cozy.

And you don't
have to worry about me talking.

Wild horses couldn't drag it
outta me.

Thank you, Jason.
Thank you for indulging
an hysterical woman.

[cries]

Jacqueline.
Pull yourself together.

Here. Here, dear, here.

Tonight on
television you had a show,

you operated on a woman
who didn't
have the will to live.

I know, I know.
Not only did I save her life

by performing
a pre-frontal lobotomy
left-handed...

- [cries]
- ...but I also gave her
a new philosophy.

Jacqueline,
we have a man that sits up

all night writing these epics.

All I do is say the words.
I just say the words.

That's all I want from you,
Jason, words.

I need someone to tell me
what to do about my marriage.

Lately, it doesn't seem
that Tom and I have one.

We just seem to be renting
rooms in the same apartment.

And if one night we should,

by accident wander into
the same bedroom together,

we behave like two little
boy scouts

who don't care much
for each other.

Jacqueline, you shouldn't be
telling me all this.

Well, I've got to tell someone
before he starts toasting
marshmallows. [sniffs]

Candy? Here's a
little candy. Here. Huh? See?

Oh, did I take
you away from the game
before the delicatessen came?

No, I wa...
I wasn't very hungry.

Oh, you're just being polite.
Where's the kitchen?

In there.

- Jason... Here?
- Yeah, yeah.

Ici? Come, I'll fix
you something a la Française

while I tell you my troubles.

Hi ya, Charley.
What can I do for you?

A bottle of your finest
cooking sherry.
I want to celebrate.

Your boss' coming marriage?

I just read about it
in Hedda Hopper's column here.

You been reading
the wrong column.

He's getting ready
to join the European market.

Put it on the tab.

Mmm, that's delicious.
The best thing I've
ever had.

- What is that?
- You liked it?

- Mmm.
- Ah.

- It's called Quiche Lorraine.
- Quiche Lorraine, huh?

You know, Jason,
if I could cook once in a while
for somebody like you,

I'd be resigned
to living with Tom.

I think you better put
your shoes back on and
go on home, Jacqueline.

Are you sure?

Yes. We're getting
much too comfortable here.

And I'm pretty sure that
drive-in movie's over by now.

They had a double feature.

- They did?
- Um-hm.

- I'll do the dishes.
- No, no, no.

Charley'll do the dishes.
If he ever gets back.

But we haven't even
talked about my
marital problems.

- Yeah.
- See, Tom has everything
he wants,

British car,
a Swiss corporation.

And a French wife.

But the only thing that
excites him is the British car.

Well, now, Tom
and I are old friends,

and I don't think
I should be the one to...

Oh, you're the
only one in the whole world.

Only you have this unique kind
of understanding.

I see. You're confusing me
with the character I play
on television.

- Jason.
- I don't have any
understanding at all.

Jason, Jason, I want
to tell you something.

Yes, what?

It's been a long time
since I've talked to a man.

And even just this has been
so satisfying I could weep.

Gratitude.

If I ever listened to anybody,
I would listen to you.

I will do anything you say.

Go back to Tom.

Oh. Is that what you have
to say?

Go back to Tom and
remember this.

The excitement does not go
out of a marriage.

It just takes on
different colorings

and you must
be mature enough to adjust
to the changes, that's all.

Perhaps you're right.
I will try.

- Good girl.
- Through no fault of yours,
Jason.

Thank you
for the Quiche Lorraine.

It was beautifully cooked.
It was magnificent.

Goodbye.

Wait till you taste
my Cherries Jubilee.

Huh.

Hey, is that
your long marketing list? Huh?

Mr. Steel, two is company,
three's a crowd.

This is what I was born for,

cleaning up after
a happy bachelor.

It was just a friendly visit.
All she wanted
was a little advice.

Boss, you're a gentleman
and I respect you for it.

Oh, clean up, especially
that wild imagination of yours.

- Good night.
- Pleasant dreams. And I hope
they're all in French.

It seems to be sagging
a little bit right here.

That armature's
there for a purpose, you know.

You've got to try
and...and build from
the inside out,

and...and try
get the feeling
of inner strength,

kind...kind of like the...
the, uh, Rock of Gibraltar.

Oh!

Melissa,
what's with you today?

I'm s... nothing.

I... I... It's
a little early,

but I think maybe
we'd better break for lunch.

- You can un unflex, Sam.
- Hey. [whistles]

What's the matter, teacher?
Come on.

Oh, nothing.
Just a slight attack
of nerves, I guess.

Yes, well the nerve bone's
connected to the heart bone.

- You wanna tell me about it?
- No.

OK. I'm just trying to help.

Thanks. Stella,
why don't you eat your lunch?

Lunch?
What, who can eat when
somebody's best buddy

is having
emotional problems.

Come on,
why don't you be a sport
and tell me all about it.

Let me share your
misery with you.

[Melissa] Sorry. There's just
not enough to go around.

Uh did, uh, you and Jason
have a contretemps?

That's French you know
for a left in the mouth.

No. Jason wants to elope
and I'm holding out
for the wedding.

He thinks I'm a
tower of strength,
but I'm beginning to crumble.

Yes, well, so's everything
else around you.

Look, uh, Melissa.
Why don't you just take
the boy by the hand and run,

do not walk, to your nearest
Justice of the Peace.

What,
and spoil all the plans?

Plans. Come on, the only
thing you have to think about

is you're a woman and he's
a man. Am I right so far?

- Well...
- [crashing]

I know all the signs.
Come here. Sit down.

It's an anxiety complex

and psychosis
known in the trade
as pre-nuptial dropsy.

Now look, why don't you just
go over to Jason's house

and tell him
he's the leader

or else this whole class
is going to be a shambles.

Hey, Sam.

How would you like to
share some hard-boiled eggs

- and tuna salad?
- Sure.

No, no. Get up there.
I want to look at you some more.

Oh, that's right.
Now, here you are.

Now you try to find
the words to tell me
how wonderfully exciting I am.

- You're a beaut.
- Well, it ain't poetry,
but it's a beginning.

Now repeat after me,

Stella Irving is the only girl
in the world for me,

beautiful, desirable,
Stella Irving,

Stella Irving.

You got some salt in there?

Why, you want
to rub it in?

[doorbell rings]

Good morning, Charley.
Where's Mr. Steel?

Bedroom.

- Jason.
- Hmm?

- Oh, what's wrong?
- Oh, just a little
upset stomach.

He had Quiche Lorraine
last night.

- Quiche Lorraine.
- Well. I'm upset, too.

I'm sorry about
the way I acted last night,

but I'll make it up to you.

Oh, would you like some coffee.

Another cup, Charley,
another cup.

- Jason.
- Huh?

I want you to know
that from now on we do
everything your way.

Hey, maybe you want
some bacon and eggs, huh?

Oh, darling.
All that nonsense

about the wedding
invitations being in the mail.

I am ready to dive into
that cold water with you.

Hot cakes.
Charley makes good hot cakes.

- But Jason.
- Huh?

Have you been listening
to anything I've said?

No, I'm sorry.
Now what do you want,
hot cakes or eggs?

Oh well, maybe I am being
a little incoherent.

But I love you
and I want to elope.

Here comes Charley.

I don't want to elope
with him.

I told you
she didn't like me.

Leave it.

- Jason, what's the matter?
- Hmm?

Melissa, what happens
when the excitement
goes out of a marriage?

- Whose marriage?
- Anyone's.

I mean do people change
after they're married?

Oh. No wonder millions
of people a week

like to watch
you on television,

that child-like
quality comes through.

I just asked a question
about marriage.

- Now I'm Peter Pan?
- I love you, Jason.

Now you rest and get better,
and then we'll dec...

you'll decide
whether we're going to have
a large wedding or elope.

And don't you worry about
the excitement going out
of our marriage.

Hm-hm.

Anything else, Peter Pan?

Yeah. Get me another pill,
Keyhole Charley.

- Wait. Good show.
- Tell the truth.

You just watch the show
to see the credits,

"produced and directed
by Harry Tobler."

I also worked on the script
with the writer.

You mean somebody gets
paid to write these tearjerkers?

Why don't you watch
the wrestling matches?

That's more your style.

You know, you're just
lucky to have Jason Steel
playing Dr. Adam.

Everybody who watches
that show knows that

behind that quiet smile
there's a wisdom and strength

that can carry
his patients through

regardless of even
if it's an incurable disease.

Get an incurable disease
and let Jason smile at you
quietly

and see how you make out.
I'm off to the poker game.

Honey.
Oh, honey, look.

Just tonight why don't you
forget the poker game and,

well, take me dancing, huh?

Nothing's changed.
You're still the same
Pom-Pom Girl

from the class of '58.

You didn't object
to my pom-poms then.

Oh, start acting
your age, will you?

I don't mind acting my age.
I just don't want to act yours.

You always have the last word.
Do you mind if just once
I have it?

Go ahead, have it.
What word do you want?

Quiet, will you,
you'll wake up the kids.

Kids?! You big ape.
That's your last marriage.

We don't have any kids.

How lucky can you get?

[phone rings]

- Hello.
- [Toby] Is Jason Steel there?

Yes. He's here.
Just hold on, please.

Jason, it's for you.

- Melissa?
- No.

Voice sounded
familiar though.

Well, if it isn't Melissa,
tell her I'm not in.

Oh, come off it, Jason.
You just like girls.

It could happen to anyone.

I'm out.

- Hello.
- Hello, Jason.

- It's me, Toby.
- Who?

Toby. Toby Tobler.

Oh.

You sure you got the right
Jason Steel?

Now, listen to me,
Jason, and don't say a word.

Wait a minute.

Is there something
wrong with your phone?

No, I'm speaking
over the speaker.

Listen, Jason,
don't say anything.

Just let me talk.

Now you've been friends
with Harry for years.

The time has come when
I've just got to speak
to somebody about him.

You're the only
real person we know.

Listen, if you care anything,
anything at all about
our future,

please meet me some place.
At your house in ten minutes.

- Well, where?
- Oh, be there.

I need you.

- I call.
- Call.

There'll be a moment of
silence for our dear departed.

He does a big business.

The man has a
great many admirers.

He's going on his honeymoon
in a couple of weeks.

He better save himself
or the whole thing'll
be like a re-run.

Straight flush, gentlemen.

Good evening. I'm going out
to get some groceries.

- I got a long list.
- Don't pay no never mind
to him.

He's in need
of psychiatric help.

Aren't we all?

Do you mind if I put on
a little music?

I think it'll make things
a lot easier.

I don't mind at all.
The hi-fi is over here.
Help yourself.

Oh, some of these
are kookie.

I've got this one at home.

A little beaker of
creme de menthe will be
just perfect for me.

Hold me close, Jason.

I'm about
to bare my soul.

[laughs]

Hi ya, Charley.

Want to listen
to the ball game?

It's in the last
of the fifth.

At my place the game
just got started.

Wrap it up. [laughs]

You know, Jason,
I'm a very romantic girl.

But romance flies out the
window when your husband

spends his weekends
with the children
from his first marriage.

Well, Harry's very loyal
to his kids and you shouldn't
dance this close.

I want to be
loyal to Harry.

I've come to you because
I've just about reached
the end of my rope, doctor.

How many times
must I tell you.
I... I'm no doctor?

I'm sorry.

It must be that quiet,
understanding smile of yours
that throws me.

Oh, you're quite
a little dancer.

Oh, thank you.
Let's sit this one out.

It's that understanding of
yours that I must rely on.

You realize something's
wrong with our marriage,
don't you?

Oh, sure you do.
I can tell by your just
looking at me.

You're probably saying
to yourself,

"Poor kid, she's
had a rough time."

See, we can talk to each
other without saying anything.

Well, good.
Well, let's do that for a while.

- [chuckles]
- M-m-m.

How wonderful of you to help me
arrive at a sensible decision
for my problem.

- That's all right.
- Realizing at once
what was the matter.

- Yeah, how about that?
- If we had a baby?

- A what?!
- If I had a baby.

You know I think that poker game
should be breaking up
by now, don't you?

But the music isn't over.

Well, uh, you better hurry,
'cause Harry'll be
getting home soon, you know,

and if you want to,
you know.

What difference
does it make?

He'll only go right to sleep
so he can play baseball

with those kids of his.

Well, I'll tell him
about, uh, your problem.
All right?

Goodbye.

I came in the back.
I'm glad I didn't get
here too soon.

It didn't matter
when you got back.
Nothing happened.

[door bell]

Good night.

Oh, by the way, sir.
The Dodgers won, too.

- Cut.
- [set bell]

Jason sweetie, what's wrong?

Where's the old "Dr. Adam"
get-up-and-go, the team spirit,
baby?

Lunch, one hour.

I think you'd better
lie down, kiddie.

You're giving a
very bad imitation of a doctor

- who's supposed to be
infallible.
- I'm sorry.

- I was up all night dancing.
- Dancing?

You and my wife, Miss Pom Pom
of 1958, ought to get together.

- Yeah, sure, yeah.
- [laughs]

Try to snap out of it, Jason.
Delays cost us a fortune

and besides the world
is waiting for this segment.

Sure.

Hi ya, Melissa. I don't think
you should keep him up

all night dancing. He's not
as young as he used to be.

- What?
- Listen, it happens
to all of us.

Just take it
easy on that boy.

That doll is
my bread and butter.

Jason.

Oh, Melissa.

What are you doing here?

Well, that's a
nice warm greeting.
Anything wrong?

No, nothing wrong.
Just asked
what you were doing here.

Well, this is usually
a short day for you,

so I thought as soon
as you were free we could
go to the beach for a picnic.

Sam and Stella
are waiting in the car.

Yeah.

How do you feel
about children, generally,
that is?

I love children.

What's this all about?

I mean children,
giving birth.

If you're talking
about our children,
I want a houseful of them.

No, I mean, say for
instance I were married

before and I had a couple
of kids by my first wife?

Would you resent it if
I went to visit them
on weekends?

Were you married before?
Do you have a
couple of kids?

That's not the point.
Suppose I like to play
baseball with them?

- What is the point,
Jason?
- Well...

...I forgot.

Melissa, I'd like to apply
for a short postponement, huh?

Just who you think
you're talking to,
the Fight Commission?

Melissa. I'm tired.
I've done a hundred and
seventeen of these shows

in three years and...
and no repeats.
I'm just tired.

Well, there won't be
a repeat of this either,
you quack. Goodbye.

Hang on to your seat belts,
we got a rejected girl
at the wheel.

- Another contretemps?
- No, no, just a short
left to the heart.

Well, it serves you right
for falling in love
with a pretty face.

Anything I can do,
Miss Morris?

Yes. Have an egg.

You know, every girl
should be married
to somebody like Sam here.

You feed him, read to him,
a few hundred push-ups,

and you both sleep like dolls.

First wants to elope,
then he doesn't, then he does,
then he doesn't.

Now he wants to
postpone the wedding.

Stella, you work for
an analyst. You're around
strange people all day.

- Including me.
- What's the matter
with Jason?

It's simple.
He's got something

real wild going for him
on the outside.

Oh no, no.
I don't believe that.

You better take it from
the old pro, kid.

Men are all the same
and you got to discover
some way to fight it.

Now, the first thing
you have to do is find out
who the competition is,

what they're selling,
how they package it,

and then hit the consumer
with everything you've got.

No, no.

I'm in.

Hey, who called
Romeo on the phone this time?

It's a new dame
every Wednesday.

Maybe he's doing
some comparison shopping.

Well, if he's doing
any shopping,
it's on a global scale.

I thought the voice on the phone
tonight was distinctly Oriental.

Oriental, hm.
That's the way to go.

What's so special about
Oriental women?

Once you get over the novelty
of their bringing peace
and dignity into the home,

and their all-consuming,
self-sacrificing passion
for their mates,

they're just like
any other woman.

I call and raise.

Let's get the ribbon
clerks out of here.

I find it very difficult
tell you

about the troubles
between Yoshimi and me.

Now wait a minute.
I don't want to hear them.

I'm not that understanding.

Oh, you are modest.

Almost Oriental in
your humbleness and politeness.

It is something Yoshimi
has lost in his complete
subjugation

to the customs of this country.

Mr. Jason, we are unhappy
at the crossroads.

I don't mind having
some water boiled,

but no more advice
to married women.

It...it's too
big a field.

I...I have problems
of my own.

I just don't know which way
to turn.

I... nothing's ever
bothered me.

Now I... I find
myself waking up
every morning

- with a migraine headache.
- Oh?

And I got to take
these pills.

And I get little
pains around the back and...

And my neck.

Let me make you comfortable.

There are countless
generations of experience
in these fingers.

They will remove
any devils within you.

This sure beats taking pills.

You know you could get rich
if you could bottle
them fingers.

Oh.

- Oh.
- [chuckles]

[grunts]

You will sleep
the untroubled sleep
of a child tonight.

Oh. Oh. Let
me take off your shirt.

Just surrender yourself
completely to
my ministrations.

Unh.

Ah. I am very adept.

Yeah, beautiful.

♪ Do-ma bong gi-ry
bong gi-ry bong ♪

- ♪ ka-ra sa- kia
o-ran-do bon-ga ha ♪
- [hums]

[continues singing]

That's a beautiful melody.
I love that melody.

Why...why are you
taking off your shoes?

Oh, this is the final step
to achieve perfect relaxations.

- It is?
- Yes.

- [Jason] Beautiful.
- Unh-huh.

[grunts]

♪ O do-ma bong gi-ry bong ♪

[Jason] That's the same tune,
isn't it?

[continues singing, fades]

You're in an
awful hurry tonight, Charley.
What do you want?

Nothing. I just don't want to be
at the house when it's raided.

One, two. [laughs]

A little...little more
to the left, please.

♪ La, la, la
La, la, la ♪

Once more around the park.

- ♪ La, la, la ♪
- [door bell]

Now who could that be?

- ♪ La, la, la, la ♪
- [door bell]

Your husband, Yoshimi?

Please, just think
pleasant thoughts.

- [door bell]
- Get off my b...

- Up. Off you go.
- [door bell]

- You better go in the kitchen.
- Oh.

- Come on in the kitchen.
- Sorry, sorry.

Take your shoes.
Get in the kitchen, huh?

- You want me to duck?
- Yeah.

Sure. Yeah.

I'll bet it's Yoshimi.
I'll go get rid of him, see.

Then, wait a...wait a minute.
Then I'll get rid of you.

- [door bell]
- In the kitchen,
hide in the kitchen.

- [laughs]
- [door bell]

- Hi.
- Hi.

I called you
at the poker game.
They said you'd left.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I was just
lying down.

Oh, I was worried about you.
I thought you were sick.

Oh, music is like medicine.

They play it in
hospitals.

Fine. I'll listen
to a couple of records

and then I'll go to bed.
Good night.

I think a soothing melody
is better than anything.

- Just let that beat get you.
- [music plays]

Ooh! Ooh!

There. I think you're
feeling better already.

Some women give
their men chicken soup.

Ooh. Not me.
Ooh. I prefer music.

In some ways,
I'm a doctor, too.

You don't know how I look
forward to our little talks.

It's like home
away from home.

Ooh.

This is a new beat.

Two, three, hold.
Two, three, hold.

Two, three, hold.
Two, three, hold.

Hmmmm.
Two, three, hold.

Two, three, hold.
Two, three, hold.

- [door bell]
- You expecting anyone?

- Yeah. Anyone.
- Oh no, it might be Harry.

He looked pretty suspicious
before he went
to the poker game tonight.

You haven't told him anything
about us, have you,
you little devil?

[door bell]

Not the bedroom.
That's the first place
they'll look.

Do you mind putting
the music up a little?

- I want to practice that step.
- [door bell]

Bon soir, Jason.

Oh, I had to come over
so I took Tom's Jaguar
and here I am.

I've cooked this
new recipe for you.

- It's marvelous bouillabaisse.
- I'm not hungry.

Oh, this is so delicious
you will eat it whether
you are hungry or not.

- I go to the kitchen
and heat it.
- No! Not the kitchen.

Look, what'd you
say that w... bouillabaisse?

Well, I love bouill...
when it's cold.

I love cold
bouillabaisse.
And, Jacqueline.

- Oh, thanks.
- Jason, you mustn't push me
to the door.

This is
my husband's attitude.

- And I wanted to...
- I don't want to be impolite,

but tonight I'd like
to be alone, OK?

- Oh, it's terrible
to be alone.
- Now wait.

Your shirt, it's not
even buttoned, see?

Now, look, you're going to spill
your bouillabaisse here.

- That is what happens
when you are alone.
- Mrs. Edwards, please.

- [door bell]
- Jacqueline.

- Tom...
- Tom... It could be Tom.

Yeah, it could be Tom.
No, no. Not there.

No, no, no.
Not the bedroom. Jacqueline.

- No.
- That's the last place

where my boy scout
would look.

- [door bell]
- The bouillabaisse.
Donnez-moi ça.

Bouillabaisse.

- Oh. Here.
- [door bell]

- Hi.
- How do you do, Mister Steel.

- How do you do?
- I'm Shield Number 9746.

Oh. Well,
what can I do for you, officer?

Well, as you know, the Beverly
Hills Police Department's
first duty

is to its residents
and we continually patrol

- the area of Beverly Hills.
- Oh, very commendable.

I'll...I'll take
ten tickets.

I'm not selling tickets,
Mister Steel.

As I was saying,
I patrol this area.

I'm really on
my coffee break now,
but duty comes first.

- Semper fidelis.
- Thank you.

And when I saw the lights
going on and off
in your windows

and then noticed
three strange cars
parked in your driveway.

I thought I'd investigate.

Well, thank you,
Shield Number 9746.

I, uh, I'll talk to my
councilman about that.
Good night.

- Mister Steel.
- Yeah.

Are those cars
familiar to you?

No, no, no.
I don't know.

- I've never seen them before.
- Well, in that case

I better take their license
numbers, make a report

and find out from the owners
just what they're doing here.

No, you don't
understand.

Just a minute, officer.
I think, uh,

I will take the pot.

And nothing is good cold.
Bon soir. Bon soir.

[laughs]

Sayonara.

- [laughs]
- Yes. Sure.

Well, Mr. Steel, you said
those cars were not familiar.

Oh, oh,
it's nothing at all.

You see we're just
having a little

neighborhood community
meeting about, uh,

we're going to rezone the
district, that's all.

Well, I didn't know they had
those kinds of districts
in Beverly Hills.

I wish you'd invite me
to the next meeting.

- Sayonara.
- Ja wohl.

Get out!

Who's yelling?

[phone rings]

Doctor Kaufman's office.
May I help you?

Oh, I'd like to talk
to Doctor Kaufman please.

[exhales]
Doctor Kaufman is
busy with a patient now.

May I say who's calling?

Well, I'd like make
an appointment with him,
I would.

Uh, concerning what, sir?

Concerning me, ma'am.

Oh, well, uh,
could I have your
name and address,

for the records.

Well, I don't have an address.
I... I live in the park.

It makes it easier
to prey on little girls.

Uh, may I ask
who recommended you, sir?

Doctor Sigmund Freud.
He's splitting the fee.

Hey, come on,
who is this anyway?

A nut.
Who else did you expect?

[hangs up]

- [Harry] Roll 'em.
- [bell rings]

Action.

- Blood pressure stable?
- Yes, sir. 150 over 70.

Any bradyonea
or bradycardia present?

No. Respiration
at 16, pulse 68,

regular
and of good quality.

- Intratrachia tube in place?
- Yes, doctor.

Electro-cautery apparatus
ready and pedal in place?

- Yes, doctor.
- All right, let's go.

I think he's got it.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

This is the
greatest operation

- Oo-oo. Oo-oo.
- Dr. Adam ever performed.

It's magic time.
Magic time.

Oooh. Oooh.

This'll get him
the Emmy Award for sure.

Maybe one for me.

Don't shoot,
don't shoot.

Don't shoot.
Don't shoot, don't shoot.

- Don't shoot,
- Cut!

- Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
- What happened?

What ha...
Will you tell me what happened?

- Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
- What happened?

- Everything was going
along fine...
- Jason.

- I'm dead. I'm dead.
- I was placing them up
just like I was supposed to

...and...and the pressure
electro-cautery apparatus...

I...I...I want an
adjustment on my salary.

My agent told me
it was going to be

a simple intestinal surgery.

He didn't say nothing
about...about a fall.

It was...it was
just an accident.

It...it won't
happen again. Ha-ha.

[Jason] Sandy, I have to
see you professionally.

- Professionally?
Who's this talking, Jason?
- Yes.

Jason, why you're the most
happily adjusted person I know.

You want to talk to me
professionally?

I don't believe it.
You, Jason?

- Oh, shut up.
- I tell you what, uh, Jason.

Why don't you come to
see me? Wait a minute now.

Ah, yes, here. Thursday
at, uh, two o'clock. How's that?

Sandy, you got a back entrance?

A back entrance?
Oh, I see, I see.

You have to maintain
that public image of yours,
don't you?

Yes we have a back entrance
and I'm going to tell you
all about it

when I see you
at the card game Wednesday.

All right, thanks, Doc.

- Oh, and by the way, Jason.
- Huh?

Jason,, uh, I charge
$50... [clears throat]

...excuse me,
$50 an hour.

You can pay me in cash
if you want to maintain
utmost secrecy.

Well, unmarked bills,
small denominations,

and I'll meet you at midnight
at the corner of...

Woo!

All right, line 'em up.
Jason.

We're ready for the shot.

OK, OK.

I'm not sterile, nurse.

Hold it! Hold it!

- Roll 'em.
- [set bell rings]

- Achoo!
- Gesundheit.

- Thank you.
- [Harry] Cut!

[set bell rings]

Mona.

Mona, you look
very sexy tonight.

[exhales]

How come you always
say that on your way out
of the house,

never on your way in?

I'm beginning to wonder
about that myself.

Well, off to the game.

Oh, say, you know those
hundreds of dollars
I've been losing every week?

- What about it?
- Well, it's all going
to come back.

I'm starting to get
some of the players as patients.

- Bye.
- Sanford,

just wha...what am I supposed
to do here this evening?

Pray that I win.
It's community property.

Well, you wish me
a little luck, too.

Because I may have a little
community property
on the line myself tonight.

[door closes]

[phone rings]

You all right?
Why don't you stay down
for the count?

- It's another admirer.
- Just let me alone, will you?

- Yes? Yes? Yes?
- Jason, this is Mona Kaufman.

Jason, I called you
because I have the feeling

that you're the answer
to all my problems.

- Unh-huh.
- I know that this is mad,

it's crazy,
but I feel so good

when I'm desired and lately
I haven't been desired.

I thought that if you
could just meet me somewhere,
I'd explain.

Now quiet. Quiet.
You listen to me.

Just listen to me! Look,
I don't want any of you girls
calling me up any more.

You understand?
You got me crackin',
you understand?

I don't want it.
I'm sick and tired of it.

I'm sick and... You're
sending me out of my mind.

Here! Here! Yah!
Take it out of my stack.

- Jason. Jason.
- He's upset.

Wait a minute. I want to
talk to you.

Let me talk to him,
fellows. Stay there.

Sit down, sit down.
What's up with you?

You know, you're in
a highly nervous state.

You're bordering on hysteria.

I think you've been juggling
too many girls.

Now here's some
professional advice.

Take two aspirins
and go to bed.

On second thought,
sit up all night.

I think you can use
the rest.

Wait a minute.
I want to see you in my
office tomorrow at two o'clock.

I'm looking forward
to your story.

[Stella] It's three o'clock
in the morning.

Stella, please.
Will you just go to sleep.

- Melissa.
- What?

I got to talk to
you about Jason.

Forget it.
I don't want to discuss it.

- Melissa.
- No.

I know this is very unethical,
but I got to tell you.

Jason has an appointment
to see Dr. Kaufman,

the head
shrinker I work for.

- No! Not Jason.
- Yes, Jason.

It's all very hush-hush.

But you know in the
appointment book right
at Thursday, two o'clock,

it says "Stella, mind
your own business."

I had no idea
he was so troubled.

You know, when a man
like Jason Steel who has
everything,

looks, money, talent,

makes a secret
rendezvous with Dr. Nutcracker,

he's got to be flipping.

Melissa, this is the time
he needs a friend,

- even if she is an enemy.
- Well, what can I do?

You just stand by
for reports from
the front lines.

From now on I'm
going to be Stella Spy.

I'm going to do a little
Fifth Column work
in that office

if I have to hide
under the couch.

- Boss.
- Huh?

If there are any calls,
where can you be reached?

Will you stop trying
to find out where I'm going?

B-boss,
you didn't eat anything.
I'm worried about you.

And I'm getting
worried about you.

You're turning into
a wife right in front
of my eyes

and you don't appeal to me.

[honking horn]

[snores]

[clears throat]

Mrs. Lavin.
[clears throat]

Mrs. Lavin, your hour's up.

Mrs. Lavin, Mrs. Lavin,
your hour's up.

Here we are.

Well, we've made
great progress today.

You've taken a giant
step forward.

Here we are.
Same time next week.

[knock on door]

Well, Sam Spade.
Come on in.

Welcome to Wuthering Heights.

You sure no one
will walk in on us?

No. You're as snug
as a bug in a rug,
for an hour.

Or fifty-eight minutes.

Well, come on,
let's get to work.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'd rather sit in a chair.

Suit yourself, Jason.

I want you to be
as comfortable as possible.

Here you are.

You know we've found that,
uh, when a patient lies down,

it relaxes him and he's able
to talk with more freedom.

Well, all right, Jason.

Start talking
about anything,

whether it relates to your
immediate problem or not.

Will you stop peeking
at your watch.

It's like you're looking
at my money ticking away.

M-m. Short temper.

Yeah, I don't even know
why I came here.

How I can have confidence
in an idiot

who would draw to an
inside straight, I don't know.

- Wasting time, Jason.
- But I'm desperate.

I...I can't eat,
I can't sleep.

My show is getting lousy.

I'm avoiding the only girl
I ever loved.

When did you start
noticing this change?

When did I first start
noticing th...?

What a brilliant question.
I can't talk to you, Sandy.
You're a nut.

Jason, I'm not going to charge
you for this session.

Here's the name
of two other analysts,
tops in their field.

I recommend them highly.

Are you crazy?
It was rough enough coming here.

Now you want me
to take the whole medical
profession into my confidence.

If my sponsor ever finds out
that I'm going to a shrinker,

my show will go off
the air faster

than you can say
Frank Sinatra.

Here's your list
of analysts.

I'm sticking to you.

Even if I draw to an
inside straight, huh?

You can take that
out of my stack, too.

Go ahead and ask questions.

Jason, you've got
a deep problem.

I don't know what is.

Take your coat off.

Roll up your sleeve.

As a doctor this
isn't very orthodox.

But since you're
resisting me,

there's a drug called
sodium amytal

which will break down
that resistance.

We get to your problems
much faster.

Now usually, usually
there are no after effects

and the patient remembers
only what he wants to.

- Are you going to take it?
- Anything.

Injection or on the rocks,
I don't care.

This is an injection.

My nurse usually does this,

but since you want
complete secrecy...

Ow!

All right.
Just take a second.

- Unh.
- There we are.

Ah. Ahhhh!

That's it.
Nice and easy.

Now just start talking
about all the things
that trouble you, Jason.

Just remember
you're with a friend

whom you love.

Here we are. Loves you.
You can trust him.

He's tops.

Just say anything that
comes to your mind.

[Jason] Oh, uh. [mumbles]

Ask Dr. Adam.

- Hm.
- Ask Doctor Adam.

Dr. Adam.

Everybody thinks I'm Solomon
or something.

Oh, I'd love to be
happily married.

But look at those four guys
I play poker with.

Their wives, huh.

Always calling
me in the middle of a hand.

Hm. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Toby Tobler.

Oh, two, three, hold.
Two, three, hold.

Oh. Toby.
You send me crazy
when you dance so close.

Two, three, hold.
Skip the beat.

Ah. Oh. Oh.
Toby Tobler. Oh-h-h.

Oh, and...and Yoshimi's
wife, Isami.

Oh. Ah. Oo.
Just thinking about her.

Oh, that feels go...
that's beautiful.

Oh, it feels great.
Oh, Isami.

That's so wonderful.
Oo-ooo, Isami, easy.
Hah, hah, hah, easy.

Oh, that's beautiful.
Oo-oo. Hah, hah, hah.

Easy now. Oh.

[hums]

Go on. Go on. Go on.

Ah. Oh. Ah, Isami.

Ah. Oh. Little more
to the left.

Be careful,
don't...don't...don't fall off.
Don't fall off.

Ah. Oh-h-h.
Oo-oo. Hah-ah-ah.

Oh, your toes
feel wonderful.

Who's that?

That be your husband
at the door?

Ah, what's the difference?
Let him wait.

Let him wait.
Oh, Isami,
that feels beautiful.

Beautiful.
Ah, little more to the left.

Oo. Mm. Aah.

Every Wednesday night
something new,

something different.

Oh, that Jackie Edwards,
Tom's wife.

Crazy.

Oh boy, if you
haven't tasted
her Quiche Lorraine,

you haven't lived.
Wow-wee-wee-wee.

- I ever tell you
about my childhood?
- Wait, wait, wait. Look, wait.

I wanted a sled and
I didn't have a sled,
so I was riding...

- Jason...
- ...down the hill
on my brother.

Jason, don't get off
the track, Jason.

You were talking...you were
talking about the wives

of the men
that you play cards with.

- Ah, oh.
- The wives... the wives.

- Stay...stick with the wives.
- Ah, ah, oh, oh.

Two, three, hold.
Hm, hm, hm.

Oh, you remember that
last phone call I got?

When I ripped out that
telephone, I ripped it out

'cause I didn't have courage.
If I had courage,

I'd have the
craziest harem in town.

Oh, Melissa, I love you.

I'd love to be married
to you, but two
or three years from now,

I don't want to look across
at that poker table

and watch some other guy
get a phone call from you.

Aw, uh, coward.
Give back, uh, that sled.

- The sled.
Those sleds.
- No, you, you,

you were talking about
ripping the phone out,

ripping the phone out.
Why?

Why did you rip
the phone out, Jason.

Ah, that call was from
Mona Kaufman.

- Who?
- Mona Kaufman.

You know,
that little jerk's wife.

[chuckles] Well, oh, boy,
what a voice she's got.

One, two, three, hold.
Oh, Toby. Mmmm.

It sounded easy.
Ah, easy. Ah. Oo.
Quiche Lorraine.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Oh, Mona's voice.

She's got a voice that starts
way down from the bottom
of her insteps.

Oh boy.
Just talking to her sent
me out of my mind.

- Let's start...
- I know if I were in
a room alone with her.

- [chuckles]
- Let's get back to your
childhood, Jason.

I know I couldn't
resist her,

and the way she sounded,
it just wasn't an invitation

to oh, uh, uh dance.

It was an invitation
to a wild relationship.

Hah. hah. But things
are going to be different.

Huh... they're going to be
all different.

- Oh, boy.
- Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.

- That's enough, Jason.
- Watch the tiger now.

- Jason.
- Watch the tiger now.
Oh. Two, two, two.

- Uh, two, three, four.
- No, now, now, Jason.

It's all right, Jason.

Where am I, huh?

- You're in my office.
- Oh boy, I feel great.

I'm loose as a goose.

Hey, I haven't felt
this way in months.

I'm secure, relaxed.
What did it? What did it?

How would a little jerk
like me know?

Oh, the way I feel
I don't care if
anybody sees me or not.

I... I've made up my mind
about my future, yes sir.

Listen, you're marrying Melissa
and forgetting everything else.

No, doc.
I don't know how, but...

but you gave me the
courage to make the most
of my opportunity.

From here on in
I'm going to live the
life of a happy bachelor,

let the chips fall
where they may.

- No, wait a minute.
Just...wait, Jason.
- Huh?

Before you make
any hasty decisions,

we've got have
another session.

Tomorrow? Same time?
Reduced rates?

Oh, no, no.
I'll be too busy for that.

Ta ta.
One, two, three, hold.

Two, three, hold.
One, two, three, hold.
Two, three, hold.

You don't even
have to pay for my watch!

Hi there.
I was just returning a book.

You have a nice library here.

All right, all right,
you might as well know.

I'm an undercover man
for the F.B.I.

Have you been
in there all along?

Yes, sir.
Are you going to fire me?

Do you realize that
a madman just walked out
of this office

and in no time's going to
attack every married woman

- in the neighborhood.
- And vice versa.

And I had to
give him the courage.

Now I've got to find
a way to stop him,

for the sake of humanity.

I got to find a way
to stop him, too.

- You?
- Sure. Otherwise, he'll never
marry my friend, Melissa.

Oh, he'll never
marry Melissa anyhow.

He'll never marry anyone.

You see, it's a psychological
truism that once a man

gets hepped on married women,
he can't kick it.

It's like, it's like
a monkey on his back.

Only he's got five
monkeys on his back,

including the one
in your zoo.

Oh! Oh, Mona.

Oh! Mona, Mona! My Mona.

I never realized how
desirable you were until now.

All my life I've always had
everything the way I wanted it.

Now I can't face
the reality of a failure.

- There must be a way.
- Oh yes, Mona, there is,

there is a way.
I just face you with it,
honestly and sincerely.

Only I'm afraid that
you're liable to answer me
honestly and sincerely.

I don't think
I could face that.

I think I've got it.

I've got it. I've got it!

- Are you still here?
- Yes, sir.

Get out of this office!
Get out of my life!

- Something wrong?
- I must be out of
my mind to put you

in a position of...of trust
and security.

Well sir, isn't there anything
I can do for you before
I leave here?

I can put these names
and addresses in your book.

Put that down.
Put it down and get out of here.

You have committed
a breach of ethics.
Get out of this place.

A breach of ethics
that is unforgivable.

And if you ever breathe
a word of what you heard
here this afternoon,

you will lose this job
and I'll see that

you never work anyplace
else again.

Yes sir, you're going to
feel much better

after I get everything
back to normal.

Especially yourself.
Get out!

- That way!
- All right.

Yoo-hoo, Charley.

- Yo.
- Kitchen?

- Yeah.
- OK, pal o' mine.

Do you know we got
some things here, buddy.

Look at this. We have
some beautiful things here.

H-handle with care, now.
Handle with care.

Brand new L.P.'s, huh?
Perez Prado,

wild Haitian music,
Spanish Flamencos,

and some Perry Como
for when my legs get tired.

- Crazy.
- And some imported jasmine tea,

and some beautiful gourmet
things for midnight snacks.

You're back in the winner's
circle again, boss.

- [phone rings]
- Oo, let's see.

The Jason Steel residence.

Uh, h-hello, I'd like to
speak to Jason, please.

Oh-oh., uh, hold on.
It's Melissa.

- Are you in?
- Oh sure. It's time now
for the farewell speech bit.

- Hello, Melissa.
- H-hello, Jason?

Well, uh, look, I may as
well be honest with you.

I want to get right
to the point.

It's all over between us.

W-w-well, I should hope so.
I-I'm getting married tomorrow.

Fine, and, uh, Melissa,

I think we have
a bad connection.

Only between us.

Oh. Did you say you
were getting married tomorrow?

Uh, yes. Yes.
I'm sorry I can't invite
you to the wedding.

It's only for the family.
But, uh,

can...can you
come to the reception?

All your friends
will be there.

Yeah. Sure. I'll...
I'll even bring a present.

[exhales] Ah?, uh, well,
c-could you be at the Beverly
Hills Hotel pool about one?

- Yeah, sure.
- 'Bye.

'Bye.
Huh, give me a pill.

- Well now, that's ridiculous.
- [laughs]

That's absolutely ridiculous.
I've got to be out of my mind.

Oh, don't you understand?
Jason has a twentieth
century neurosis.

The only way
you can possibly get him

interested in you again
is if you're a married woman.

Unless the ground is broken,
this boy ain't going to build.

Excuse me. I always
wondered why you work
for an analyst.

Now I know. You get a
professional discount.

No, I pay the regular rate.

I am going to call Jason
and tell him the whole thing
was a stupid trick.

That would be
intellectually insulting,

emotionally immature,
and psychologically...
unpsychological.

- Do you love him?
- Naturally.

- Well?
- Well, that's why
I don't want to fool him.

[sighs]
Melissa,

it's no great thing
to love a man enough
to tell him the truth.

The important thing
is if you love him enough
to lie to him.

Huh, well now,
there's an observation.

Sure, now the thing
you have to do

is trick Jason
into marrying you

and then wait until
your twenty-fifth wedding
anniversary

to tell him the truth.

Well, it isn't as if
the big lug didn't deserve

- that kind of treatment.
- They all do.

Besides your family's already
paid for the wedding reception.

- Uh, Stella.
- What?

Just one little, teeny,
tiny inconsequential thing.

- What?
- Who is going to be
my husband?

- Husband?
- Yes.

Husband.
I got that figured out, too.

Mmm. I'll bet you have.

Course we're going
to have to put in a big
supply of hard-boiled eggs.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- [laughs]

Stella, you're a genius.
Waw!

[laughs] Yeow!

Thank you so much for
going along with the gag, Sam.

If you ever want a husband
for real, why I'm twice
the man Jason is.

Oh, you now, now really.
You just relax, Sam.

After all,
it's only make believe.

Let's just call it
a tryout, shall we?

Uh, hey Sam. You know we
hired you for the wedding,

not the honeymoon.

I've always
had a yen for you, teacher.

Oh, really, well isn't
that nice.

Uh, Sam, uh, you know,
I'm terribly parched.

You know what I'd like?
I think I'd like some champagne.

But, uh, don't let it get
warm in your hot little hand,
all right?

[laughs] How about that kid?
He's got the body of a Greek god
and the mind of Lolita.

You know,
you really do look lovely.

Sitting around the art class,
flexing his muscles,

he looked so simple
and sweet.

Yes, well I always say
you never really get to know
a person

'till they put their clothes on.

Oh, thank you, Sam,
that's... Oh.

- [Stella] Cool it.
Here comes Jason.
- [Melissa] Cool what?

- Uh. Oh. Oh, surely.
- Kiss him. You love him.

Howdy how. Hi there.

Oh, hello, Jason.
This is my husband, Sam Jones.

Well, congratulations.
Wow. Hah-hah.

Whatever else you do,
don't shake hands with him.

Well, where are they?

Who? Your relatives
from Oklahoma.

Oh well, they're, uh, uh.
Come on, Sam.

Hm?

You said you
didn't want to elope with me

because you said
you wanted all your
Okie friends at the wedding.

Now, where are they?

You made it sound like
such a big deal

I wanted to meet them,
that's all.

- For heaven's sake.
- Hey Jason. Come on.
Let's dance.

Your mother and your brother
and your sister and mmm.

Jason. Jason. Let me
be your security blanket.

Oh, but I love
her, Stella. I love her.

I know, I know you
love her, Jason,

but you had plenty
of opportunity to marry
her when she was single.

- That's right.
- Do you know
what's wrong with you, Jason?

What, what, what?

You have a basic hostility
towards women.

Did you hate your mother?

Look, look, look.
I love Melissa,

but I ain't going to get
caught in no trap,

and I'm not sticking
to one girl.

My life's going to be
one whole big happy smorgasbord.

Yeah. Well, if you
ever need a piece of herring,

you know where to find me..

Hey, Jason, they're lining up
for the wedding picture.

- C'mon. Huh, please.
- No.

I'm against wedding pictures
and I'm against weddings.

- Come on, Jason. Be good.
- Right over here.

Oh, come on over here,
Mr. Steel.

- All right, a
little closer.
- Join the picture.

No sense being
a poor loser. [laughs]

I'll have you know I'm one of
the best losers you ever met.

You know, people come
from miles around,

just to watch me smile
when I lose.

So do me a favor,
drop dead.

[screams]

I'll take a half a dozen
of those and put it on my tab,
baby.

Help!

Help!

[glass crashes]

I think we've got Jason
right where we want him.

Well, it sure
cooled off Sam.

Hey guys,
I...I want to apologize for
pushing you all in the pool.

Aw, we forgive you, buddy boy,
and we understand.

And we love swimming
with all our clothes on.

Sure. No hard feelings,
old man.

What's good enough
good enough for us. It was fun.

And you're lucky you
didn't get married.

Now you can have any girl
the world, but anyone.

Well, I am not one
of these yes men.

My living does not
depend on you.

Now I'm going to send you
a bill for a new suit
and my wife's dress.

Now how do you like
them apples?

[phone rings]

[Melissa] Hello.

- Hello.
- Could I speak to Jason please?

Oh, hello. Yes.
Right here. Hold it.

- For you.
- Who is it?

Oh, hello, Jason.
It's Melissa.

Oh. Jason,
I'm so terribly unhappy.

I want somebody I can talk to.

Somebody I can trust.

Beautiful.

Well, could you meet me
at my place in a little while?

Uh, w-well, yes, y-yes,
I think that can be arranged.

- I'll hurry over.
- All righty.

I am going to hit
the consumer with everything
I've got.

- You can go now, Charley.
- I usually do.

And congratulations
on your marriage, Mrs. Jones.

There's nothing to fear
but fear itself, is there?

Charley.
Charley!

He uh... he went shopping.

Melissa. I didn't
expect you to get here
before I did.

Jason, I was...I was
so anxious to talk to you.

I even had time
to make you a little something.

- Please sit down.
- I'm not hungry.

Oh, uh, please, please.

It'll make it so much
easier for me to talk.

- Un-huh.
- Now, uh, first.

First I... I want to
apologize for imposing

- upon our friendship, but uh...
- OK.

You were the only one I could
turn to at a time like this.

- All right.
- Now here. You taste
this. It's delicious.

- Melissa, I...
- Now, I made it just for you.

- Now, come on.
- I'm not hungry.

O-o-open. Yes.
Now isn't that good?

You like that?
Isn't that good?

- Hm-mm. Yes.
- Melissa.

Not bad.

It's fabulous.
What...what is it?

- Soufflé au fruits.
- No.

- [inhales] Yes.
- Hm.

Oh, Jason, Jason,
I'm so terribly unhappy.

But I thought you could
help me because we've
been so close.

And this'll make us become
even a little closer.

Right? What's in it?

- Uh, uh fruit. Cream.
- Hm-hm.

Uh, sugar.
Uh Grand Marnier.

- No. Hm.
- Yes.

Oh, Jason, I made such
a terrible mistake

when I married Sam.
I realize that now.

- I just wanted...
- You never told me
you could cook.

Oh, oh, I...I, uh,

I didn't want come
between you and Charley.

Charley can do that.

- Don't you want to help me?
- Well, y-yes.

I want to help you. You can
talk while we dance, can't you?

- Un-huh.
- You know something?

We...we never danced
much together before.

- No.
- Hm?

Oh, Jason, you have such an
understanding of a woman's
problems.

That's why I thought
you could help me with mine.

I've already...
I've already left Sam

and moved in with Stella.

Oh, that perfume.

Do you have no idea how
long that's haunted me.

- H-haaa.
- Mmmmm.

[music plays]

Oh, I never realized
what I've lost until tonight.

- Oh.
- Mmmm.

Oh, uh. I...I...I think
maybe you're a little
overwrought and tense.

Well, of course I'm tense
with you pushing me away
all night.

What's the matter?
Are you unhappy?

- No. Not... no.
- Well.

Uh, uh, oh, w-why don't you
take off your j... your jacket.

- I'll relax you.
- Fine.

Good. Oh yes. Sure.

- My goodness.
- Ohhh.

Working all day,
playing poker all night.

Why your nerves
are just all bunched up.

Yeah. Oh, that's
lovely, Melissa.

I never had it done
with just wrists before.

- Oh, Melissa.
- Hm?

You're the perfect woman.

- Aha.
- Oh, you've got everything.

You're even married.
Mmmmm.

- I have something else,
too, Jason.
- Yes.

- Something that makes me
imperfect for you.
- Hm?

I'm faithful.

I may not have much of a
marriage, but I'm faithful.

Well, that's the most beautiful
thing I have ever heard.

Take off my shirt, hm?

Now for the final step

to achieve perfect relaxation.

Oh, boy.

- Good. Good. Hm.
- Hm-hm.

[humming]

Melissa?

- Sayonara.
- Sayonara?

I'm getting sick and tired
of this silly charade.

If Jason wants me,
he can find me,

even in Oklahoma.

It was going so great.

Just a couple of more sessions
and you'd have had him hooked.

Stella, when love
comes along,

it comes along
without tricks
and without subterfuge.

That sounds like something that
came out of a fortune cookie.

[knock on door]

I'll get it.

[Jason] Hello, Melissa.

Jason.
Uh, th-thank you.

- I'm, uh, awfully
glad you came because...
- I want talk to you alone. Hm?

No. N-n-no, no. No.

Anything that you have
to say to me

can be said in
front of Stella.

She's really part
of the family.

Oh. Well no,
I mean the family

shouldn't hang around
at a time like this.

- I... I'll go some place.
- No, no, that's perfectly
all right.

- Wha-what is it?
- Maybe you should have
a witness.

Melissa, I'm going to be as
honest and truthful with you

- as you've been with me.
- Oh.

Yeah. Now I went through
a period where I didn't
think much of marriage,

anyone's marriage.
Uh, I lost faith.

But since then,
I've regained it,
principally because of you,

- and I love you, Melissa.
- Hm.

I want to marry you.
Here, in Oklahoma,
or in Timbuktu.

Oh, I love you,
too, Jason.

[sniffles] Does somebody
have a handkerchief?

I'm going to cry.

- [cries]
- Oh, Jason.

- Yes?
- Did you just propose to me?

Sure, I did.
I want to marry you.

Oh, and I want
to marry you, too.

- When?
- Soon as you arrange
for a divorce.

- Uh, divorce?
- Sure. From Sam.

Uh, you remember Sam.
It's funny how those first
husbands slip your mind.

- Jason.
- Hm?

Jason, there's something very
important I've got to tell you.

Jason, it's all set up.

There's no problem
at all because Melissa

and I are flying
to Tijuana today.

I know a Mexican lawyer
down there,

and I'll have her back for
you tonight all free and clear.

Good, Stella.
I never appreciated you.

- That's what they all say.
- Honey, I've got to go finish
the show,

and then when you get back
we'll arrange for the marriage.

- But...
- OK?

- Wonderful. We'll see you.
- All right.

- I love you.
- She loves you, too.

- Aaaa!
- I can't!... I cannot go
through with another lie.

If you don't go
through with it,

you're going to
lose him for all time.

You heard what he said.

He said he'd lost his faith
and then he regained it,

and there's only one lost faith
to a customer, Melissa.

- Well, I just feel awful.
- Oh, Melissa, listen.

I've got it all figured out.
You gotta play this by ear.

Now here's the plan.
We get in the car.

We drive to the beach.
We see a few hundred movies.

- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- Will you listen to me!

We see a few hundred movies,
and then we come back

minus one
over-developed husband

and nobody's going to be
the wiser.

- Stella.
- Huh.

- Can I ask you something?
- Yes. What?

In every other situation
I really do believe

that I've acted
like an intelligent,

- well-balanced human being.
- Yes.

Now just tell me,
why is it when
I'm around you,

I suddenly turn
into a stuttering,
lying schoolgirl!

Look, Melissa.
I'm no Svengali.

But it just doesn't
make sense for you to tell
Jason about Sam now,

when you can wait
'till your 25th
wedding anniversary

when you're sick and tired
of each other.
Now come on.

- Oh, Stella, please.
- Come on. I've got to
go to work.

- I'd much rather just stay...
- [knock on door]

- Hi.
- Oh d...

I just called the
television studio.
Guess what?

- You don't have
to work today.
- That's right.

- And you're going to fly
to Tijuana with us?
- How did you know?

Oh, I have a premonition
for good news that's
positively disgusting.

- Hm. Good. Yes.
- Come on.

Hm?

You mean the judge just signs
a decree and that's it?

Yes. Yes. That's it.

Well, I'm virtually free now.

My goodness,
I do hope Stella hurries,

and gets here with that lawyer.

- Let me understand it clearly,
señora.
- Señorita.

- Oh, my apologies.
- Oh, nada.

You want me to get
the judge's signature

on this and for that
you give me my regular fee.

That's correct.
All I have, in advance.

But it's very imperative
that you get someone

as important as the judge
to sign this petition.

I admit it's
a beautiful petition.

Muchas gracias, señor.

Oh, that is Melissa
Morris Jones.

Who-who.

Ha-ha-ha. Uh-hm.

She heads the committee
that is circulating

the petition to restrain
American tourists

from transporting Mexican
Art Treasures into
the United States.

Bravo. But, uh,
cannot Melissa Morris Jones

wait until the end
of the court day

for the signature
on this worthy document?

No-no-no, señor.

You know you must have
your fee now,

and we must have our signature
on the petition now.

- I understand.
- Bueno. Bueno.

Excuse me one moment.

Adelante. Y nos van a decir
ellos lo que va apassar? No?

Un momentito, eh?

Que quiere usted?

- Muy buena suerte, licensiado.
- Muchas gracias.

Hasta luego.

Muchas gracias and adios.

Por favor.

Ha-ha. Oh, what
a smooth operation.
Everybody's so polite.

- This is hard to believe.
- Yes, isn't it?

- So that's the decree.
- Un-huh.

Yes, it is. A lot of Spanish
and just a smattering of Latin.

My mother tongue.
Hey, I got a great idea.

- What? What?
- Let's get out of Tijuana.

- Yes.
- Oh, no. This is an occasion.

- Let's celebrate.
- Well, can't we wait
to do that

- until we get back to town?
- No.

Jason, I understand
if you get in any kind
of trouble here

they slam you in the
pokey and they throw
the key away.

- That's right. True. True.
- Stella, now why would you
get into trouble?

- Me? Trouble?
- Yes. Why? Why?

Her? Trouble?

That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.

Come on. We're going to hit
all the high spots.

It's not every day
that a guy gets to celebrate

- his girl's divorce.
Let's go.
- Oh, dear.

- No. Really?
- Let's celebrate.

We're going to drink
up a lot tonight. Yes.

We got to go home.
I remember I left the gas on

in the apartment
and I should be there.

- Control yourself.
- I got to go home.

- Pull yourself together.
- Everything will blow up.

Relax.
We'll get the midnight plane.

- Will you come here?
- I'm relaxed.

Oh señor, you are just
in time for the last show.

- Oh, good.
- I give you the best table
in the house.

Wonderful. Wonderful. Huh?

Sit. Sit, girls. Sit.
Not the same seat.

Oh, excuse me.

- Your finest champagne, please.
- Si, señor.

- [music plays]
- [chatter]

This is what I call
on-site inspection.

[cheers]

That's another one.

- Happy, happy.
- We were just leaving.

- Oh, adios.
- But before we leave,

my friends and I wanted
to sign your wonderful petition.

Oh, ho, ho.

Silencio,
por favor, un momentito.

The same petition
the judge signed.

My friends, here, would like
to see the art objects of Mexico

remain in Mexico, too.

Do you know what
he's talking about?

Oh-ah-ah-ah. Uh.
Uh, señores,

uh tenemos, uh, todas
las firmas que necesitamos;

muchas gracias.
Buena suerte. E pluribus unum.

- [laugh]
- Adios, muchachos.

- Muchas gracias, senorita.
- Muchas gracias.
Hasta la vista.

We got to go because
I left the thing on the...

Wait a minute.
Your mother tongue, huh?

Is this a divorce decree
or isn't it?

- No, it isn't.
- Then what is it?

Well, it...it all started
with the wedding reception.

I was never really
married to Sam.

It was a...all a trick
and I'm ashamed of myself.

And this decree
is a trick, too?

- Yes, I suppose it is.
- Oh, no. I can explain.

Stella, please.

Jason, look.

I may never be able
to come up with an
adequate explanation.

It's just that
I love you so much

and you were so involved
with all those married women.

I thought it would be worth
shaking you up, no matter what.

I waited a long time before
I found someone I thought
was the right girl,

level-headed,
strong and honest.

Then I open the box of
cracker-jacks and look
what I get.

Look at the prize I get.

- Jason, Jason.
- Un momento, un momento.

Lo que yo quiero saber
es quien va a pagar la cuento.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

- Who pays?
- Oh! Oh. How much is it?

Oh.

Diner's Club?

Carte Blanche?

American Express? Money?

- How about a library card?
- Jewelry. You have jewelry?

No. Now wh-why don't
you just let us go.

We'll send you
what we owe you.

- Everyone say that.
- Well, what do you
want us to do? Wash the dishes?

- I can get dishwashers
for two pesos a day.
- Well good for you.

Well then, why don't
you just call the police?

No señor! Would you hush up.
I'm already a three time
loser.

There must be a way.
Señor, there must be a way.

[music starts]

[groans]

[cheers, whistles]

[applause]

[shrieks]

[screams]

[shrieks]

- [shrieks]
- [applause]

[screams]

- Oh Stella, no!
- [music stops]

[cheering]

[door bell rings]

[sneezes] Oh.

I just got back from Tijuana
where I caught a very bad cold.

- What do you want?
- Jason, I w... [sneezes]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just wanted
to explain to you
about Melissa.

- It was all my fault.
I didn't know that...
- Good night.

[sneezes]

[clamoring]

Jason, you and Melissa
were made for each other

- and I unmade you.
- Officer.

Jason, all you have
to do is go see Melissa.

Please just go see Melissa.

Jason! For Pete's... let go!

Jason!

Are you sure you won't change
your mind about Melissa?

No, I don't th...
Wh... Get out of here!

- [Harry] Cut!
- Jason!

[set bell]

Oh, hello. Hi, boss.

- You here alone?
- You said it.

I'm, uh, going to be here
alone from here on in.

Unless that crazy Stella
comes down that chimney.

Charley, will you have a booze.

Not me. I took the pledge.

The pledge?
What pledge did you take?

What? Right after I saw
your last show.

You know, the one where you
cured that hopeless alcoholic

and he went on to play
the violin in Carnegie Hall.

Ah, that was beautiful,
wasn't it?

I haven't touched
the stuff since then.

I'm a wonderful doctor.

I wish I could do something
about me, though.

- Well, good night, boss.
- Charley, come here.

What do you do when you
love somebody you really hate?

You gotta go one way
or the other.

You gotta love
or you gotta hate.

Boy, do I hate her.
Oh, I hate her.

Now Charley,
let's have a drink.

Oh, I forgot. I cured you.
Right?

The thing for you to do,
boss, is to get her
out of your system.

Go and tell her you hate her
to her face.

Yes, she tricked me.
She made a fool of me.

Otherwise you'll be
drinking here every night

and you'll be the only one
who knows why you're drinking.

You're right.
You're right, Charley.

They're all from
the same stable.

I want to tell her
right to her face
that I hate her.

Great idea.

Otherwise, I'll be the only
one who knows why I'm drinking.

Then you can throw this in the
ash can with a clear conscience.

Yes, throw it
in the ash can with a clear c...

Boy, if you could only cook.

[knock on door]

Jason! Oh Jason!
It's so good to see you.

Oh, it's like a dream
come true.

Oh Jason, you and Melissa
were made for each other.

- You'll see.
- Where is she?

Well, she's in there
taking a hot bath to relax.

Poor kid. She's so mad at
me she won't even speak to me.

- But she'll get over it.
- Get out.

- Just get out.
- Oh Jason, she won't even
speak to you, either.

You better be
careful and not go in.

Jason, what are you doing?
Jason, w-what are you doing?

Jason, I can help you.
I work with mental illness.

Believe me,
I know what makes you tick.

I don't know why people
don't take my advice.

I've been so successful
in running my own life.

Look, I have this lovely
home and a beautiful husband

and six gorgeous kids and
they're all just crazy about me.

Down the street
there's an all-night movie.

- That was my plan.
- Get out.

[Melissa]
Go away, will you, Stella.

Stella, we have nothing
to discuss.

No.

Look, I know I'm as
much to blame as you are.

But on account of that stupid
trick I'm liable to lose

the most wonderful thing
that's ever happened in my life.

I've never met, nor hope
to meet, Jason's equal.

Just thinking about the
possibility of never

seeing him again
shatters me completely.

I'll move out tomorrow
and wait and pray for Jason
to come back.

I love him very much
and I can't live without him.

- Jason!
- I came over to tell you

that I hate you to your face.

And no girl is ever going
to push me around again.

Now I can throw your picture
in the waste basket
with a clear conscience.

- Oh.
- So long.

Oh!

[cries]

- I can't live without you,
either.
- [cries]

Let's get married tonight.

Did you really think
it was Stella

outside that bathroom door,

or is this just
another trick? Hm?

There'll always be that
little doubt, won't there?