All language subtitles for Orange Is The New Black S03E01 720p WebRip 2CH HEVC x265 piemonster

[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

Synced and corrected by Chitorafa
www.addic7ed.com

[in sultry voice] I'd butter your toast.

I'd feed her dog.

I'd zip his sweater.

Mmm.

[in normal voice] See?

It doesn't matter what
you say, as long as it's...

[in sultry voice]
"I'd blank your blank."

[chuckles]

[in normal voice] It
all sounds dirty, always.

[in sultry voice] I'd
disembowel his cat.

That is not sexy.

No, she did not say that right.

I'd scratch that eczema.

Oh, she is killing your
theory, here, Doggett.

Well, her exception
proves the rules, 'cause...

you guys gotta know,
my boyfriend, Arlen...

[exhales]

He was the master of it. [moans]

He'd bed you whispering, [in sultry
voice] "I'd light your crack pipe"?

I didn't smoke crack.
Crack's for coloreds.

- [in normal voice] Oh, is it, now?
- N...

African Americans. Crack
is for African Americans.

Maybe you should just drive.

I am drivin'.

I gotta say, these cup holders are nice.

The air works. Seats don't
smell like hot dog juice.

Maybe we should get all
of our terminal inmates

to drive our outdated
crap into a quarry.

Gotta give it to the baldy, though.

She had some set of balls.

You know, a man went bald...

and he bawled.

[mimics sobbing]

But then he met a
really nice lady who...

She liked a clean head, right?

So he balled her real good.

So you got "bald," "bawled,"
and "balled," right?

They all sound alike, but
they're all spelled different.

[chuckles] Isn't that wild?

My mom taught me that.

She taught me so many cool things.

Come on, hon. Get it all down.

That's right.

Chug, chug, chug.

Hey! All of it!

Finish that bottle.

[young Pennsatucky grunting]

[Debbie] See for yourself
she ain't right in the head.

Never had all what
belongs to her, poor thing.

But we take what the Lord gives us.

Anyhow, so's I understand it,

supplemental security income benefits
for little Bessie bugs like mine

is $314 a month.

Is that right?

[Maxwell] How many kids
are coming for Mother's Day?

A lot. Some of our ladies,
they have three, four, seven.

[exhales]

I would have had five.

Or six...

if you count the one that fell
out after the night in the caves.

Huh.

Would have been a miracle
baby, like Tim Tebow.

Based on the state of your
mouth when you came in,

I'm gonna say your baby wasn't
on the star athlete track.

Oh, yeah? Well... neither was Tim Tebow.

You know, when his mama was pregnant,

she had the sickness

and the doctors told
her not to have the baby,

but she had it anyhow.

And she was on dysentery
medicine and in Filipino town.

He wasn't such a great quarterback.

Oh.

Like you so great at football. [scoffs]

I may have kids one day.

One day? You got a time machine?

The women in my family
have very young ovaries.

My mother had me at 49.

Her mother had my Uncle Chess, at 52.

I got plenty of time.

We believe what we believe.

You guys, look at this...
look at this sale stuff.

We should just bring back
all this Cinco de Mayo.

I mean, look.

"Fiesta like there's no mañana."

Seriously.

You know most of the
kids are gonna be Mexican,

so make 'em feel at home.

Just get 'em one of
these red chili piñatas,

a bunch of these... green
candies from St. Patrick's Day,

and we got a party.

Doggett, enough.

The only reason why you're in here

is 'cause we couldn't
leave you in the van.

Let's go price the helium tanks.

[exhaling]

You all right?

I'm fine.

[breathing deeply]

Are you havin' a panic attack?

I'm breathing mindfully.

I'm supposed to do it to 108...

and then do it again if I'm
not feeling any better...

even though I never feel better.

Now I lost count. Shit!

[groans]

Where did you learn this?

Some magazine. I don't know.

I'm just trying to
find some fuckin' peace.

Holy shit, look who's back.

You missed me, right?

- Like a bulldog misses his balls.
- [chuckles]

You're in that bunk.

I can't sleep on the top bunk.

- Yeah, well, not the top.
- [Anita] Oh, no. Uh-uh.

That's Rosa's bed. Back it up.

DeMarco, she's been
assigned to that bunk.

Show some respect for the dead.

[groans]

Red, I know you from the first
night I spent in this room,

but you take one more thing down,
I'm gonna reopen your head wounds.

Wanna build a shrine to Rosa?

Build it somewhere she had joy...

not on this miserable bed
where she lay dying of cancer.

The woman went out like a champ.

Tough fuckin' broad.

You want any of this?

Yeah, the playin' cards.

She was a good card player.

[Sister Ingalls] How you doing, Red?

[Red] Strangest thing...

ever since the assault I
speak with this Russian accent.

- You still having headaches?
- Yeah. [groans]

Trying to wean myself off the pills.

I can't stand feeling
foggy all the time.

You got any on ya?

A few. I've been cheeking them.

Here.

How much you want?

Nothin'.

[chuckles] You don't give
anything away for free.

I've turned over a new leaf.

Wait. That's been in your mouth?

Briefly, yes.

Ugh. Shkeeve. No offense.

I only share spit with
my man and my babies.

I'll take it.

Mother's Day Fair...
expanded visitation...

it fosters the inmates'
connection to the outside world.

These women forget they
have lives on the outside,

it affects how they behave in here.

Maybe they forget for good reason.

Well, that's your job to worry
about now. You're the expert.

Not really. My degree's in cosmetology.

My whole résumé's a lie.

But you would be amazed
what ladies will reveal

while you're bleaching their arm hair.

[stammers] I don't know you
that well. You're joking, right?

'Cause I just got everything
square around here,

and it's been an uphill climb.

So I heard.

Now, what'd you hear?

That you got caught in a shit-storm,
but you put up a sturdy umbrella.

Yeah, well, it's starting to leak.

Now I'm doing Madame Shit-Storm's
job, along with doing my old job,

which the powers-that-be
have yet to fill.

[sighs]

I'm doin' two jobs.

Do you resent that the
administration hired me

before finding a
replacement for your old job?

Are you analyzin' me?

No.

I just don't want any shade
without having been given a shot.

My beef's not with you.

What'd you hear about me?

That you're smart and
you're qualified and...

you said yes.

Does my saying yes maybe
cancel out the smart part?

How's this?

Welcome to Litchfield, where
your services are needed

in both the counseling
and hair removal arenas.

These are complicated ladies
in a complicated place.

[Taystee] Yo!

Mr. Caputo! That your girlfriend?

I had a feeling you had a
thing for the darker berries.

Jefferson, this is Counselor Rogers.

Counselor? What about Mr. Healy?

He's still here.

Huh. This is gonna get interestin'.

Is it? How so?

Jefferson, why don't you go help set up?

Yes, sir, mas'er.

Mr. Caputo, sir.

What do you want, Bennett?

Sir, all the lights in C-Dorm went out,

so I sent some of the girls in
electrical down to take a look at it.

They're not girls,
Bennett. They're inmates.

Or women.

Or electricians.

What's your point?

Um, well, the lights are back on now.

It's a great story.
Thank you for sharing.

- Berdie Rogers, new counselor.
- Hi.

Officer Bennett...

is there anything else
you'd like to tell us?

Nice to meet you.

What's goin' on there?

[sighs] Nothing. It's nothing.

How about we go on a tour of the
dorms in all their well-lit glory?

Everybody says she's got magic.

Did she touch it, too? I
wanna know that she touched it.

Mmm-hmm. She touched it. She blessed it.

- [gasps]
- Oh, shit.

[inmate] What does that mean?

[gasps] Hasan put a
curse on me, didn't he?

That's a cursed egg.

I'll lose a foot.

Bobo will attack all the quail.

It's not a cursed egg.
My hand slipped, okay?

Why don't you go get cleaned up,
and then we'll start all over again?

We're gonna do a whole thing, okay? Go.

[inmate] I'm all eggy now.
It's gonna attract snakes.

I know. That's not good.

Now what does the egg do? You
makin' somebody else go away?

I'm making an omelet.

I got no scraps for your hooch today,

and I am still waiting on
my jar from the last batch.

Okay, it's comin'. A few
more days. It's gonna be good.

Listen, we were thinkin' of doin', like,

a little game booth for the kids,

where they throw Ping-Pong balls into
little bowls of water. Win a prize.

Can I borrow some bowls?

Where you gonna get some
Ping-Pong balls around here?

Found a bunch in the warehouse.

They're old as fuck and mostly
dented, but they'll work.

What are you gonna do for prizes?

Buy some Tootsie Rolls
from commissary...

dole them out.

That's nice of you.

Yeah, well, it's y'all's day.

Must be hard as fuck bein' in here
when you got kids on the outside.

Your kids comin'?

Yeah... for the first
time in a long time.

My tía, she moved back into the city.

Don't forget to call
your mother tomorrow.

Oh, my mom's passed.

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

- Mira, Blanca!
- [Blanca] Eh?

Why don't you get this one some of
those fruit cocktail-sized bowls?

I won a goldfish once

[speaking Spanish]
in one of those games.

Tequila, we named him.

[speaking English] We gave
him, like, Froot Loops to eat.

Like 12 years that thing lived...

until my cousin, Antoni,
ate him on a dare.

Fucking asshole.

I'm definitely a carbon monoxide guy.

Put on some tunes,
breathe deep, go out easy.

- Maybe pills.
- Figures.

What do you mean, "figures"?

Pills are expensive.

But you don't even think about that.

Well, I didn't realize that my
hypothetical suicide had a budget.

Some of us have to
think about these things.

I make 11 cents an hour.

When I get outta here,
I will have no home...

I will have no job... and
not a whole lot of prospects.

All the more reason to
start thinking economically.

Welcome to the real world, princess.

This is not a healthy discussion.

You know, when you go to a shooting range,
you don't have to pay until you leave.

So you can check out a gun...

shoot yourself right there.
Wouldn't cost you a cent.

I would like to change
the subject, please.

You know, the... hot one's back.

What do you mean, "the hot one"?

Your girlfriend.

The Bettie Page of Litchfield.

Alex is back?

I gotta go find her.

- Oh, hey! You're on the clock here.
- Well, can I go early?

Sure.

Why don't you grab a happy hour
cocktail with her at TGI Fridays?

- You wanna put in for vacation time, too?
- Okay, okay, all right.

Finish your fucking job.

It's not like she's goin' anywhere.

And to be honest, she
looked a little rough.

It sucks when hot chicks
start to cool down.

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

Okay, okay, listen up.

If you don't have children comin'
today, please come back another time.

And for all you mothers,
it's a numbers day.

No special request.

I only wanna trim so I look the
same as the last time I saw her.

It's called object permanence.

It's also called
boring... but you the boss.

And what are we doin' with you today?

I'll take number seven, please.

You excited for Mother's Day?

Oh, yeah, all my kids are comin'.

Little Donovan and baby Frankie,

that's short for
Francesca, and the twins.

You got four kids?

Oh, sure. Catholic.
You know how it goes.

You don't got no kids.

Yes, I do. I have four kids and
they're all coming to see me.

Bull... shit.

- Show me your stomach.
- What?

Mother of four, twins no less.

Let me see your belly.

Maybe I did a lot of sit-ups,
and maybe they're adopted.

Get the fuck out of my chair.

No, I need this. I lost my van.

I have been scrubbin' toilets.

Let me feel like a person.

You can feel like a person
after I see my actual baby

that came out of me and exists.

Well, maybe my mother's comin' to
visit and I need to look nice for her.

[speaking Spanish] Liar.

I really haven't been
feelin' so good lately,

and dollin' up's the only
way I got to feel better.

- Okay.
- What?

- I'll work on her real fast.
- Come...

I got a soft spot for the pathetics.

[softly] Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Somebody comin' to
visit you this weekend?

My son, Michael.

Oh.

How does that work, with
you being a lady-man and all?

Do you and his mother
both celebrate the day?

You really wanna be callin' me a lady-man

when I got a fistful
of your hair in my hand?

Oh, I just thought it sounded nice.

I don't know from these things.

That's why I'm askin' questions.

We're sharing the day.

He's spending Father's Day with
her new boyfriend, the pastor.

Oh.

Well, that doesn't seem
fair. He's not his father.

Well, I'm not sure I am anymore, either.

♪ Hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back no more ♪

♪ What you say? ♪

- Mmm-mmm.
- [chuckles]

We goin' about this the
wrong way. I should sing.

It'll drive him out of there screaming.

- Mmm.
- [chuckles]

Mmm. Do my feet again.

Mmm. Like this, baby? Like this?

Ah, yeah. Ooh.

Yeah, you squeeze there
while I pinch my nipples.

We have some more of that
spicy chicken from Bongo's,

- have sex again.
- [chuckles]

I run around the block a couple
times, do some jumpin' jacks.

Get out.

Do you hear me?

It is time for you to
vacate the premises.

It's your eviction notice.

[sighs] Ooh.

Did you see that?

That was a foot.

A whole person in there.

Mmm. You scared.

A little.

Don't be. You're gonna
make a great daddy.

Ah.

- Back on that foot.
- [chuckles]

Back on that... There you go.

There.

You know, there's nothing
wrong with that light.

[chuckles] Oh, yeah? Why don't
you let me be the judge of that?

Because you don't know
what the fuck you're doing.

Okay, you know what?

For your information, there's actually
a loose fluorescent bulb in here.

You're lucky I caught this,
or we might all be dead.

[scoffs]

You know why she's in
here all the time lately?

'Cause she's a dumbshit.

'Cause she got a crush on me.

What are you talking about?

When she had that bet thing going
on with the bully butch bitch,

she tried to get me, but I didn't do it.

She wasn't offering anything good.

Well, I've seen you suck a
cock for a bag of ranch Doritos.

Totally different. That was a
cock. And I love ranch flavor.

The point is, she's really into me,

which is why she keeps
coming around here.

Well, you gotta stop leading her on.

I ain't done nothin'. I
can't help that I'm dyke bait.

Yeah, look at her, bendin'
down, showin' you her ass.

I think you're right.

I'm telling you... she's
so desperate for me.

Makes me almost sad for her.

[drier timer buzzing]

[oven timer dings]

Oh, Nicky! She coming!

- Stop her! It's not ready!
- What's not ready?

No, Mommy, you have to
go back! Go back to bed!

Sweetie, we're having
brunch at the Four Seasons.

Paloma, why is she not dressed?

[stammers] I tell her, but
she want to surprise you.

She been up since 6:00.

Well, that's very cute, honey,

but we need to get dressed

and put on our happy faces
and pretend we like Grandma.

There'll be shrimp cocktail.

But it's Mother's Day.

That's right. It's my day.

So we will get through brunch, and
I will head straight for the spa.

Happy mother.

Oh, come on, sweetheart.

Put on the blue dress I
bought you from Bergdorf's.

She didn't read my card.

Your hair looks nice like that.

Oh, you noticed.

- [scoffs]
- Oh, honey.

Yeah, well, I'm glad to see
you keepin' yourself up, doll.

No one likes to see a beautiful,
ripe fruit just wither on the vine.

You like my ripe fruit?

[scoffs] So sweet, so juicy.

Oh, as if the smell of this dinner
isn't making me feel nauseous enough.

Well, maybe you'd rather
talk about vegetables, huh?

Like your favorite stalk of
celery that just walked in.

Yeah, looks like she's lost
a little bit of her crunch.

What the fuck is she doin' back here?

Hi.

Inmate, no touching.

Yeah, inmate. Let's
just keep it orthodox.

What happened? What
are you doing back here?

And...

What happened to your face?

Just a little trouble in
lockup. I was in a mood.

I forgot that you should let
crackheads have their way.

Well, yeah.

Crackheads...

Wookiees...

you know, you gotta let 'em win.

What... did you do?

This is so unbelievably embarrassing.

Come on.

Like anybody in here can judge.

How am I back here?

That's my question. Come on.

[stammers] Let's go take a walk.

[Taystee] But can't real
faith make shit happen?

Look, who knows anything, all right?

All I'm saying is, they did some kind of

voodoo spell on Vee,

and, boom, bitch was gone.

Yo.

Vee is fine.

- [Taystee] Oh, my God.
- Yo, okay.

I cannot go through this again.

Suzanne... you throw that
tray, or anything on it,

we dog-pilin' on you till you're flat.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Agree to disagree,

and let's get on with our lives.

Agree to disagree.

Uh-huh. Shit.

Rhymes with, "Vee."

Rhymes with, "Let it be."

So, what you want with
this voodoo magic, anyhow?

[Taystee] Don't be
playin' around with that.

Mess with the evil forces,
you'll be out like Cedric Diggory.

Who?

[both] Harry Potter.

Died in the Triwizard Tournament?

[Poussey] Look, I don't know. I just...

I think it's interestin'.

I mean, who knows what kind of forces
are operatin' out there in the universe?

Maybe it ain't such a bad idea
to try to get 'em on your side.

[Poussey's mom] All right,
Poussey, you read the Calvin part,

I'll be the mom. Here.

"Mom, was I ever a grub?"

"A what?"

"You know, a larva. Did I
really 'pup-ate' at age two?"

"Pu-pate."

Like... poo?

Oh, come on. You know that word
from when we studied butterflies.

The caterpillar goes through
the pupal stage and then...

I love you, Mommy.

Love you, too, baby.

Now, let's keep reading.

I am so excited!

I don't think I'm gonna be
able to go to sleep tonight.

No, you gotta try.

You don't want your baby seeing
you with bags under your eyes.

That's setting a really bad example.

So, how you feelin' about
your first Mother's Day?

- I'm not a mother yet.
- Sure you are.

If she's already givin' you pain
and trouble, you're a mother.

And I'm a mother.

You getting me a present tomorrow
for all I've done for you?

Don't I just cause you pain and trouble?

At least get me a card or something.

Draw me one of your weird pictures.

Give me my stuff!

Oh, no? Something to hide?

Love letters, maybe, from
all those men in your life?

This is fancy.

Greenwich, Connecticut?

Who the fuck you know in
Greenwich, Connecticut?

No one. I was gonna
throw it out. It's stupid.

"I've heard I'm to have a grandchild.

I'd like to see you.

Sincerely, Delia Mendez Powell."

Mendez?

Holy shit! This is Pornstache's mother?

Yo, I smell money
here. You gotta say yes.

Write her back and
tell her you'll see her.

'Cause I need another
person involved here, right?

I don't wanna see her.

Fine. Don't listen to your mother.

'Cause that always works out so well.

So, listen... I got a guy.

You are a guy.

Suck my dick.

He's comin' up the tunnel on
Wednesday. He's gonna sell it for us.

So we gotta get that
shit to the greenhouse.

So far, the best plan we've come up with

is takin' it out one bag
at a time up our snatches

while the meth-heads take
their afternoon naps, okay?

And that plan has more holes
in it than we have, doesn't it?

All right, we need to space
these pompoms out more evenly.

I'm a wacky clown. I
don't need symmetry.

And you're stallin'. It's time.

It's so pretty. I like looking at it.

Yeah, well, say goodbye,
'cause come Wednesday,

that shit is going down the tunnel
and out into the world for sale...

like a Romanian baby.

This shit is happenin'.

[Gina] I take this
ball of blue energy...

and I pass it to you.

I take this ball of blue
energy and I pass it...

[Frieda] You sure you
want to do this, Red?

I've only got two years left, Frieda.

Compared to what I was looking at
when I got here, that's so little time.

I see the light at
the end of the tunnel.

[chuckles] So to speak.

[grunts] How much time we got before
we have to rejoin the witch ladies?

Oh, about a half hour.

It takes 'em forever to pass
that ball around the circle.

It drives Maxwell nuts.

She smokes by the basketball
courts till they're done.

And this is okay with Caputo?

Oh, it's a whole new world around
here. A kinder, gentler Litchfield.

Wiccans get night
walks on the full moon.

Things that break get mostly fixed.

I even hear people
are getting out early.

Uh, Sanchez in the kitchen,

that, uh... that girl with
the nostrils from grounds crew.

[panting] All the
more reason to do this.

Are you sure? Are you really sure?

We had a good thing goin' here, Red.

[grunting]

I'm sure.

Bye-bye, tunnel.

[groans]

[Gina] And ye shall
be free from slavery.

And as a sign that ye be really free...

ye shall be naked in thy rites.

And ye shall dance...

Wait, don't do that.

It's metaphorical naked.

I mean, we're passing around an
invisible ball, for Christ's sake.

I thought we didn't believe in Christ.

[Frieda] Better hurry.

[Red] Almost finished.

You're a twisted fuck, aren't ya?

Life is complex, huh?

Let's rejoin the circle.

I could use some energy,
blue or otherwise.

[grunts]

Healy, I wanna go home.

You haven't answered my question.

Why is Rogers here?
I started Safe Place.

These women trust me, okay?
And I'm good at my job, Joe.

She's here because she's needed.

We never replaced Callahan.

We all know Bailey is senile.

For months, you're tellin' me how
swamped you are, how overwhelmed.

Okay, I take it back. I'm fine.

Let her go. I've got it covered, okay?

No.

Fine, then she can have all
the blacks and the crazies.

Healy...

Look, I've got a bad
feeling about this one.

She doesn't smell right,
and I mean that literally.

She's got a weird smell.
Have you noticed that?

Sam!

She's here now.

She's your coworker.

Eh, be nice, be respectful.

Come on, be a gentleman.

[Healy's mom] Yes, my little gentleman.

Gentleman Sam.

Yes, and yes again!

Because the angels have spoken to me...

[softly] and they've
told me their secrets.

I brought you breakfast.

Now it's a party!

Come dance with Mommy.

[Alex] Is your mom coming?

Are you kidding me?

Carol is spending the day with
her un-imprisoned children.

Mmm.

Diane would smack the shit out
of me if she were still alive.

[sniffles]

She's probably looking
down right now just...

vomiting angel dust.

I feel so stupid.

You were living in Queens.

I'm sure that made prison
seem much more attractive.

Every time I close my
eyes, I relive that moment.

Fuck up. Fuck up.

Alex...

[sobbing] I had a chance to make a life.

Okay, you need to shut up.

[Alex whimpers]

[sniffles]

Oh, that's not hot when your
snot drips in my mouth like that.

- No?
- No.

- It's not your thing?
- No, I don't like that.

[chuckles] I thought you'd be into it.

Mmm-mmm.

[sobbing]

I'm such an idiot.

No, Alex...

You have to stop. You have
to. It wasn't your fault.

Of course it was my fault!

No one put that gun in my hand.

- But you didn't know.
- Fuck up!

Alex, it wasn't you.

It wasn't you.

It...

[softly] It was the system.

You got caught...

in the system.

I'm just a fly in the web of
the prison industrial complex?

[scoffs] Christ.

But at least we're in
the same web, right?

I mean, at least we're in it together.

Yeah.

At least we're in it together.

[Donaldson] Ladies!

Get the heck out of there right now!

You're out of bounds! Count's in five!

I know you're back
there! I'm not an idiot!

Out now! You're both gettin' shots!

Place is goin' to hell.

Hands off! And fingers off!

Back away from the table!
And nobody touch me.

If anybody touches me, you don't go in.

You are all expected to behave.

Anyone not behaving
will be sent back home.

All caregivers must be reachable

in case your children you've
checked in need to be sent back out.

Welcome to the fun zone.

Mother's last name?

I think you know it.
How you doin', my friend?

Fine. Fine.

Yeah? Glad to hear it.

So, listen, I got a couple of
your baby's aunts and uncle here.

[softly] Hey, can you
please keep it down?

Stop sweatin' it, bro.
Nobody's listenin'.

Uh, names?

You're gonna have to learn
these soon, too, hermano.

Eva, Lucy, Christina,
and that's Emiliano.

So, listen, you should
come by the house soon,

you know, get to know us.

I'm not just busting balls,
okay? You're family now.

Okay, here are your badges.
[chuckles awkwardly] Have a nice day.

All right, go ahead, kids.

Go give your mother a
big hug and a kiss for me.

And Emiliano...

no tongue, you little perv.

Happy Mother's Day, Johnny boy.

[all cheering]

[boy] This blows!

[puppies yapping]

[imitating airplane engine]

Hey, Warren! You know
you're not allowed out there.

Yeah, but I made a kite,
Mr. Healy. Kids love kites.

That may be true, but you've been banned

from interacting with the
children, and you know that.

Yeah, that was last year.

And this is a kite,
not Chinese jump rope.

The answer is no, Warren.

Now, you're not to step foot
outside of this building.

Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

[Brook] Everyone needs
to back up and line up.

Okay, okay, who's first?

Where's the stick?

Sticks? We can't give 'em sticks.

How are they supposed
to break the piñata?

I don't know. Punch it, I guess.

Give it a good shot in the
side, work out their anger.

They're having fun. They're not angry.

Sure they are.

Hey, kid, your mother is in prison.

Pummel the piñata.

Jab, jab.

Hit it.

All right.

[gasps]

No, you look really good!

You could, like, leave
here and go straight to

a My Chemical Romance
concert and be the balls.

[exclaims] You missed! Next! Loser.

Why you being so fuckin'
mean, man? They're kids.

Number one, they miss, mo' candy for me.

And number two, I don't like kids.

I don't like mamas,
neither, for that matter.

Mine thinks I'm shit.

Well, fuck her. I'm done with mama.

- I'm done with stand-ins for mamas.
- Mmm.

I am parent-free and proud.

Yeah, well, I liked my moms.

Well, lucky you.

[girl] Oh, come on.

Maybe when mine dies,
I'll like her better.

A'ight, next!

Shit.

- Simon says deep breath in.
- [all inhaling]

- Simon says deep breath out.
- [all exhaling]

Hands in the air.

Chang, Simon didn't say that.

- [kids laughing]
- But that's okay.

I encourage you all to
follow your own path.

What you in for?

[Yoga Jones] Simon says tug at your ear.

[Yoga Jones] Tug at your other ear.

Simon says wiggle your hips.

Simon says hop on one foot!

- Duck.
- [Yoga Jones] Simon says wiggle your hips.

- Duck.
- [Yoga Jones] Jump up in the air!

- Simon says turn around.
- Duck.

- [Yoga Jones] Don't turn around.
- Goose.

[Yoga Jones] Simon
says hands on your head.

- Simon says hands on your knees.
- [girl] Duck...

Use his shirt like a paper towel.

He loves it.

One, two, three, go.

[kids exclaiming]

Yo, hey, hey! Get
out... Get out of here!

- [kids giggling]
- Get out of here!

You! You better get out of
here! Where's your mother, boy?

Get out of here!

I don't understand. Why
isn't your brother here?

He says it's for babies.

I haven't seen him in
two and a half years.

Look at you. You got a mustache?

Jesus. [chuckles]

You got hair everywhere?

Oh, Mom!

Never mind. Don't
answer that. I can't...

It's good to see you.

You, too.

Lourdes treating you good?

We're fine. She and Benny fight a lot.

They had a crazy one when he got
suspended from school last week.

What'd he get suspended for?

Cutting class.

So, he misses school and they
make him miss more school,

that makes no sense.

Jesus, what the hell? Cutting class.

You know what?

You tell him that he needs to
get his little delinquent ass

over here next week for
visitation, you got that?

Okay.

[sighs]

I'm sorry, papi.

- You're here, right?
- Yeah.

Yeah, let's talk about you, huh?

What you been up to for the
last 30 months? Fun things?

- [girl groans]
- All right, next.

[inmate 1] Yeah, I'm glad you're here.

- [Taystee] You was just here.
- You made my day.

[Black Cindy chuckles]
She made it. Next.

Grandma's not a clown.
This is eye shadow.

Grandma put on a face for you.

Please, I'm gorgeous. [clicks tongue]

[inmate 2] I know what
you're saying, but...

- All right, honey, take a little spritz.
- Mmm-mmm.

What, no? Be a filthy
animal. Who raised you, huh?

Oh, hi, Annette.

There you go. Wipe front to
back, throw it in the trash.

Thank you very much.

This is a nice setup you got here.

Oh, you.

You are so lucky you are in electrical.

Listen, you want my company or not?

Yes, I do. Sit her down.

- All right.
- Yeah.

Look at this shit, right?

I mean, look at this,
with these fuckin' kids.

Oh, they're everywhere.

I hate kids.

You know, they don't drink,
they haven't traveled.

It's nasty in there. You
might wanna hold your breath.

Hey, can I talk to you?

Um, I mean, I can wait
till you're finished.

This mad juju that you and Gloria do...

how does it work?

I'm really missing someone.

Is the baby gonna live with us?

Um...

We'll see.

"We'll see"?

What the fuck is that?

I'm gonna be a tía.

[Bennett] Hey.

Hi, there.

Everyone having fun?

[Dayanara sighs]

Um, I have a Mother's Day joke.

How come computers are so smart?

It's 'cause they listen
to their motherboards.

Do you get it? That's
what they call the...

It's the board thingy in the computer.

I think it's, like, what all
the circuits are... attached to.

- It's motherboard, 'cause...
- [Aleida clears throat]

All right, well, anyway, have a...

have a great afternoon, so...

CO Bennett, let's chat.

When are you gonna learn
to leave well enough alone?

We were just talking.

I do you a solid and sweep
everything under the carpet,

and you go around
lifting up the corners.

"Hey, everybody, look, look.
Look what I got under here."

Okay, respectfully, sir, I'm pretty
sure you did yourself a solid.

You think you're the only one
ever to be tempted by an inmate?

You think I never saw a tight piece
sitting in my office chair crying,

tears covering her khaki-covered tits,

and thought, "I could
bend that over my inbox"?

A lesser man would be using this place

as his own personal pussy smorgasbord,

every fucking color, shape, size.

Around the world without
ever leaving upstate.

But I am not a lesser man.

When those feelings come
on me, you know what I do?

Please don't tell me.

I take care of my fucking self.

- Do you know what I'm saying?
- I'm pretty sure I do.

I spank it out, Bennett.

Uh, it's...

And for the love of Pete,
I suggest you do the same...

like decent men have been
doing since time immemorial.

Me and Diaz, it's about
more than sex... sir.

Just stay away from her, okay?

Poor, deluded fuck.

What'd you say?

I mean, I just feel bad
because it's her day, you know?

And she's just sitting
in the car while I'm here.

I didn't mean to steal your mom's day.

Yeah, well, I don't need another mother.

I get that.

So, how are things with the good pastor?

He makin' your mom happy?

Yeah, I guess.

How about you? Gettin' along?

Well, he taught me how to shave.

What'd he say about that?

He tell you to go down,
shave with the grain?

No, up and against the grain.

That ain't how you do it.

Well, that's what he told me.

Well, I know better.

Now, who you gonna listen to,

someone who just shaves his face
or someone who shaves everywhere?

Ew.

You think that baby over
there is cuter than my girl?

Ay, please.

You have the prettiest
bebecita here, after mine.

I know.

[giggles]

[Maria] Ay, look at her.

She looks terrified.

- [Maritza] Oh, she'll come around.
- [Maria] Mmm-hmm.

I mean, what's more
beautiful than having a baby?

Making a life?

The smell of their heads,

the way they put their whole
weight on you when they fall asleep.

She's gonna fall in love,
and then she'll be fine.

Mmm-hmm.

Ay, chica, you got a little
something on your shirt there.

- What is that? Piss or shit?
- Oh, it smells like shit.

Oh, my God! This is so disgusting!

- Here, take it! Take it!
- Eh?

[Maritza] So gross!

[speaking Spanish] Hey, what am
I supposed to do with this baby?

[speaking English] Give it to my sister!

[grunting]

Okay, this is gettin' ridiculous.

Kids, stand back.

[kids exclaiming]

[all screaming excitedly]

- [boy] There's no candy.
- Where's the candy?

- [girl] It's empty.
- Oh, my God.

This is such a metaphor for their lives.

Didn't you put it in?

I wasn't supposed to put it in.

And I was. Oh, jeez. It's
probably still in the van.

Well, no point getting it now.
There's nothing to put it in.

I'll take it.

[boy] What's a piñata without candy?

[inaudible]

So, aside from the fact that
he don't know how to shave,

I am kind of happy
you have a man around.

Does he give you advice
about girls and stuff?

His advice about girls was...

"Wait until marriage."

Good Lord, one of those.

Now, you want some real advice?

From my second mom or my used-to-be dad?

From former man to current man.

Now, when I was your
age, my dad told me,

"Find a real insecure
girl and practice on her.

That way, when you meet
a girl you really like,

you'll be good at it."

And you really wanna be a lady
in a world where men do that?

God help me, I do.

And you're never tight again.

I mean, you could work
it back a little, but...

it's never the same after
you've torn that shit up.

And you'll always pee yourself
a little when you sneeze,

and you never really sleep again.

You got anything good to say about it?

I just want you to be prepared.

I mean, it's not all bad.
You end up with a baby.

It just ruins your life is all.

You sayin' I ruined your life?

Of course.

The day you was born was the end.

[sighs]

She's just so perfect.

[baby Dayanara coos]

How could anythin' be bad...
if we made somethin' like this?

- [baby Dayanara fussing]
- [shushing]

Anyone seen what's-her-name,
the little one?

She was getting me punch.

I haven't seen her for a while.

Go look for your sister.

Lucy?

Lucy!

Go look for your sister.

Now, this is nice. Mmm.

This makes me happy.

Happy Mother's Day, Ma.

Happy Mother's Day.

[speaking Russian] Your head.

Your beautiful face.

Yes. Well, now it's interesting.

[speaking English] Ma... so, you
ready for things to get goin' again?

[whispers] I got a
brand new LED headlamp.

I think we're going to take
a little break, darling.

Actually, a long one.

It's too much to think about.

I need to think about
the future, getting out,

getting back to my life, my home...

the market.

I need to look forward.

Yeah.

Who's minding the store today?

[scoffs] What you mean, Ma?

[chuckles] What I mean
is, it's Mother's Day.

That's always been a big day for us.

Platters, baskets...

[speaking Russian] We closed for today.

Came to see you instead.

[speaking English] We
can afford to do that?

Yeah.

[speaking Russian] It's fine. It's okay.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. What's goin' on?

Lucy's missing.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh.

No, stop. What are you doing?

I gotta call it in.

If you call it in, they're
gonna pull the alarm.

The day's over for everybody.
She's here someplace.

- Let me look a little more.
- [sighs]

Okay, look, 20 minutes, okay?
And then I gotta call it in.

All right.

[Pennsatucky] In the name of Jesus,

I ask that the souls of my unborn babies

be considered to enter the Holy Kingdom,

even though they never had
a chance to get baptized

'cause I was wicked

and I got 'em sucked out...

'cause I was weak...

and I didn't know any better.

And I'm sorry.

[sniffles]

I'm sorry that I never
got to be your mama.

Little Blake and Bonnie...

Boyd, Bethany...

Braeden...

and even you, little Buddy Jr.

I see we're fond of the "B" names.

Yeah, I always liked that letter.

It's like a whole little graveyard here.

Yeah, these are all my unborn babies.

Ooh.

♪ She got the Mother's Day blues ♪

Jesus, you look like the Angel of Death.

I get that a lot.

Yeah, I'm goin' to hell. I know it.

I mean, even though I
was saved and everything,

I just...

They never even had a chance, you know?

Son, you gotta let go of that shit.

It's easy for you to say.

I'm guessing you ain't
never had to abort nobody.

A bold assumption.

You ever read a book
called Freakonomics?

No.

What's it about, bearded
ladies and midgets?

Close. It's about economic
theory, cause and effect.

Sounds boring.

Mmm. It's actually a pretty good read.

They have this chapter in it,

"Where Have All the Criminals Gone?"

Over there in that field.

[chuckles]

You know, in the 1990s,

crime fell spectacularly,

and this book attributes that
to the passing of Roe v. Wade.

The Darkness of '73.

The exact opposite, actually.

I mean, the abortions that
occurred after Roe v. Wade...

These were children that weren't wanted.

Children who, if their mothers
had been forced to have them,

would've grown up poor
and neglected and abused,

the three most important ingredients
when one is making a felon.

But they were never born.

So, 20 years later,

when they would've
been of prime crime age,

they weren't there.

And the crime rate... [scoffs]

Dropped dramatically.

- What's your point?
- Well, my point is that

you were a meth-head,
white-trash piece of shit,

and your children, had they been born,

would have been meth-head,
white-trash pieces of shit.

So by terminating those pregnancies,

you spared society the
scourge of your offspring.

I mean, when you think
about it, it's... a blessing.

Never thought about it that way.

Well, maybe you should, hmm?

Maybe you should stop
punishing yourself.

I mean, what does a good mother do?

A good mother does what's
best for her children.

And maybe what was
best for your children

was wipin' 'em out before they had
to lead miserable fucking lives.

Yeah.

Maybe.

It makes me feel a
little better, actually.

[chuckles]

Good, then I've done my job.

- "Clown cheers crowd."
- [chuckling]

[softly] Lucy?

Lucy!

Where the fuck are you?

- [alarm buzzes]
- [sighs]

Motherfuckers. They couldn't wait?

I want to stay with Daya.

You're in so much fucking trouble.

[guard 1] Everybody, on the ground!

[guard 2] Get down! Right where you are!

- [kid sobbing]
- [guard 3] Get down on the ground!

[Black Cindy grunts]

- [guard 1] Get down!
- [girl 1] Mommy, get up!

[guard 4] Everyone out of
those porta-potties now!

[Nicky] Fuck.

We're on our way.

- [girl 1] Mommy, get up!
- [girl 2] Do I get on the ground?

- Mama, what's happening? Get up.
- It's okay. Mommy's fine.

- [girl 3] Is everything okay?
- [guard 1] Stay down until we tell you!

[girl 4 whimpering]

[sobbing]

[Maria sighs]

Good day?

So good.

Yads, thank you for bringing her.

Okay, all right, mami.

I'll see you next week.

I don't think so.

"I don't think so"? What do
you mean, "I don't think so"?

She's getting bigger. She's
startin' to understand things.

I've been reading...

I don't want her seeing
her mother in prison,

thinkin' this is normal.

It's best we cut this off right now.

What are you talkin' about?

Ruiz, you move it along.

What do you mean, "Cut this off"?

- You gonna walk away from me?
- Sorry, Maria.

What, I don't have a choice in this?

Yadri... Wait! Wait!

Yadriel!

Yadriel! Yadriel! Coño!

Yadriel! [gasping]

Oh, my... Fuck!

[gasps]

[folk-pop music playing]

_

[music continues playing]

Synced and corrected by Chitorafa
www.addic7ed.com