All language subtitles for Man.of.the.Year.2006.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG.English

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

USHER 1: Welcome to
The Tom Dobbs Show.

USHER 2: Please have
your tickets ready
for the ushers.

MAN 1: Graphics ready,
camera two.

Watch your step.

MAN 2: Check one, two.

WOMAN: Please turn off
all cell phones and pagers.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, take your
seats, please.

Tom Dobbs will
speak to you
before the show.

WOMAN: Bring that light down
to camera level, please.

MENKEN: This story might fall
under the heading of
"One Thing Leads to Another."

It started on August 20th.

At 7:00 p.m., Tom Dobbs,

who had a successful
cable show featuring
political comedy,

was talking to the audience
during the warm-up routine

prior to the taping
of his show.

DOBBS: Thanks for
coming here today. This
isn't the actual show.

If you noticed,
the cameras are
pointing at nothing

and some critics have said
that, too. But I'm just here
to kind of talk to you,

warm up the audience,
a little bit of foreplay.

Sorry.

I'll back up now
just for harassment reasons.

You know, the government
said recently... Well,
a lot of people said

that we're cutting back
spending. We're cutting
back spending,

but NASA actually
spent $28 million

to develop a fountain pen
that would write upside down
in space in zero gravity.

The Russians solved
the same problem with
five-cent pencil.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Very easy. Writes upside
down, zero gravity.

After two cases of
vodka, still writing.

If you have the GPS,
be very careful.

I bought
a Mercedes recently.

It had the talking GPS.
It said, "Up ahead,
take a right."

I opened the door.
The car went,
"Are you Jewish?"

But soon, all of
your appliances will
talk to each other.

You'll get on the scale, and
the scale will go, "I've
talked to the microwave."

But I notice many of you
with your little cell phones.

Soon they'll get so small,
you'll be putting them in...

You won't see them.
They'll just be inside you.

Hold on, I've got
a call. "Hello."

"No, no, I'll make
it louder. Hold on."

"Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
I'm taking a picture."

"Oh, wait, wait,
wait, I got mail."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It was during a Q and A
that a woman
made a statement.

Yes, yes, ma'am?
Hi.

I feel so frustrated
with the political system,

and I hear my friends
say the same thing
all the time.

Maybe you should
run for President.

(CHEERING)

(CHUCKLING)

The comment was
quickly forgotten

and minutes later
the show got under way.

Senator, I'm picking up
that the general public
is pretty frustrated

with the polarization
of the parties and
lack of accountability.

I mean, it's crazy.

A woman in the audience
tonight said I should
run for President.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

Maybe I should.

Within three hours,

there were four million
e-mails endorsing Dobbs
for President.

Over the course of the next
week, Tom Dobbs mentioned
this four more times.

The Internet was on fire.
Over eight million e-mails.

It was
a grassroots movement,

fueled by the power
of the Internet and
the cult of personality.

WOMAN: Ladies and
gentlemen, thank you so
much for your patience.

We have a great show for
you tonight, so without
any further ado, let me...

MENKEN: On September 2nd,
something very, very
unusual happens.

Tomorrow, I will
officially announce

my candidacy
for President of
the United States.

(CHEERING)

Did you write that?

Where's the punch line?

Maybe it was sheer vanity,
maybe it was
a political stunt,

or maybe it was because
Tom believed his audience
demanded it. Who knows?

As Tom Dobbs' manager,
I was as shocked as
everyone around me,

and I wasn't
exactly pleased.

Does this mean
I'm out of a job?

Shortly thereafter,

Tom Dobbs was on
the ballot in 13 states.

That was part one

of the unusual progression
of events.

On the West Coast,
the second domino
toppled over.

NARRATOR ON TV:
Voter confusion,
endless recounts,

unreliable results.

Democracy held hostage.

In today's America, technology
empowers the public in
nearly everything they do.

And now, voting
with confidence.

Introducing the Delacroy
Voting System.

Congress decided
that Delacroy Systems

would have the
national franchise for
computerized voting

in the coming
presidential election.

In hindsight,
not one of their
better decisions.

For ease of voting,
speed and accuracy of vote.

It eliminates long lines
and confusion at the polls.

MENKEN: It was a major
coup for this Silicon
Valley-based company.

When the dubbed versions
come in, I need to
see the contracts.

NARRATOR: Delacroy.

MENKEN: As CEO of Delacroy,
James Hemmings,

lovingly watched
his stock rise,

in the bowels of the
building, something else
was about to take place.

I just got the ballot from
San Mateo so I thought I'd
run my own little election.

You know, with
all the referendums,
propositions and amendments,

and just add
the candidates' names.
Why?

Well, we've never run
a configuration like
this ballot,

so I thought I'd give
it a test drive.

Oh, God. I think
I burned my lip.

It's like democracy
on the head of a
microchip, isn't it?

Yes, but no matter
how you slice it, it's
what you're voting for,

and not how easy
it is to vote.

MENKEN: Whether she was
being diligent in her work,

whether she was
obsessive-compulsive

or whether she really
didn't have a personal life,
who knows?

But late that night,
she found something
that seemed very wrong.

Mills, I voted for you
three times as much as I
voted for President Kellogg.

Why did the President win?

Like a good, dedicated
employee, she sent an e-mail
to CEO James Hemmings.

She wrote that
something was wrong.

She used phrases like
"a glitch in the system,"

"compatibility problem,"
things like that.

Hemmings read the e-mail

and reacted as a CEO whose
stock fortune was wrapped up
in his newest enterprise.

If there really was
a problem, it was
too late to correct it,

so he ignored the memo,

and hoped the problem
would go away.

DOBBS: I've read a lot
of op-ed pieces recently,

and they've said that
Tom Dobbs doesn't talk
about the issues.

All right, I will
address the issue,

and the issue revolves
around representation.

The people of America
are not being represented.

Our political leaders are too
indebted to special interest
groups and party politics.

This country was founded
on the principle

of government of the people,
by the people, for the people.

We are the wealthiest nation
in the history of the world.

We are the most powerful
nation on this planet.

And yet, we can't educate
our own children.

DOBBS: Felt that
went pretty well.

Lincoln got more laughs
at the Gettysburg Address.

Don't start with this.

Everybody Loves Raymond
is doing huge numbers
in re-runs.

Comedy. Comedy sells.
Can we remember that?

DOBBS: I don't want to
get into this.

I don't care what you say,
but say it with some humor.

These crowds expect it.

You keep giving
speech after speech.
Nothing's funny.

They'll get funny when
I'm back on the show
after the hiatus.

It's too dry.

Oh, come on.
I came on the campaign
to talk about issues.

There's no pop, zing.
There's no oomph.

Remember the motto,
"It's no joke"?
It's no joke.

Tom, can't you do just
two jokes of mine?

Make me feel wanted.

MENKEN: You're a comedian
who talks about politics.

So when you talk
about politics
without the comedy,

it's like wanting to
get laid and forgetting to
bring along the woman.

You'll quickly discover
something is missing.

Well, I believe
we should have politicians
who represent us,

and not special
interest groups.

Whenever they want to
distract you, they use
weapons of mass distraction.

They bring up
a constitutional amendment

to ban burning
of the flag.

By spending even
one moment in Congress
talking about that,

you're denying these
other things, education,
environmental issues.

So what I'm here to
talk tonight is about
political commercials.

That's where most of
the money goes in
any political campaign.

Politicians have to
spend so much money
just to buy TV time.

This is where
the special interest
groups start.

When you have
a political campaign
that costs $200 million,

you owe someone something
somewhere down the line.

That's why I refuse
to run television
commercials.

MENKEN: Just be entertaining.
Look at it this way.

Who would you rather
have dinner with?

Richard Pryor in
his prime or Kofi Annan,
the head of the UN?

Tell me which dinner
is going to be
more interesting.

If there's no
candles, Richard.

But I'd like to be with Kofi
just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?

"What? Coffee? Kofi.
Kofi, coffee?"

* We live in
a political world

* Love don't have any place

* We're living in times
where men commit crimes

* And crime don't
have a face *

He's in the debate?

He's in the debate!

Hey, Dobbs is going to
be in the debate!

They're gonna let him
participate in the debate.

Have we struck gold
or what?

Oh, my God.
We're gonna have
to start writing.

Yeah, I mean,
we can write it, but
is he gonna do any of it?

Praise the Internet!

Sixteen million emails
spoke loud and clear!

(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

(WHOOPING)

No!

CHAIRMAN OF EDC ON TV:
The following is a quote from
our debate advisory standards.

"All candidates
who demonstrate
seriousness of purpose

"and significant support
going into the final
30 days of an election

"should be included in
debates." Unquote.

Yes!

Well, I fully agree
Uh-oh.

with the Debate Committee's
inclusion of Tom Dobbs.

He's by far the strongest
of the Independents,

and I'm very much
looking forward
to the debate.

Now, I'm more than confident
of my decisions, my positions,

and my strong relationship
with the voting public.

And my hair.

Well, I think the first thing
you gotta do is say you have
unconfirmed information

that the other candidates
have had sex
with farm animals.

It goes back to
the Johnson thing.

President Johnson.
DOBBS: Oh, President.

Johnson said he wanted
to accuse his opponents

of having sex with
animals, okay?

One of his staffers said,
"How can you prove that?"

And he said, "I can't,
but I want to hear
them deny it."

Seriousness of purpose.

The debate is gonna be
a night full of pomposity.

The air is gonna be
full of bullshit.

They're gonna be
thanking everyone,
do all those niceties.

They'll thank
their wives, children,

all who have been supportive
of their campaigns.

Yeah, this is our night to
shine, Tom. This is the
opportunity of a lifetime.

It's like the comic
who gets to play
Carnegie Hall,

but shows up and
plays the violin.

It's not what
they go to see.

How many analogies
do you have left?

How many does it take
to make my point?

I didn't mean to yell.

You gotta cut loose.
In this debate, get your
show attitude in there.

Yeah, but may I reiterate?

They got me in
because of my
seriousness of purpose.

They saw that,
and that's why
we're in this debate.

Serious talk puts us
to sleep.

You want to talk
about a serious
issue nowadays,

people tune out.

Wait a second. Do you think
anybody remembers the issues?

When there's a debate,
do you think...

When was the last time any
human being, any American,
watched the debate and went,

"Oh, God! Did you hear
what he said?"

"I believe he talked
about fiscal policy."
"Oh, my God,

"my eyes are open
and I hear again!"
Yeah, you're right.

All they remember
is Nixon sweating
like Elizabeth Taylor

after a Mexican meal.

That's not good.

I'm begging you, please.
I'm like a man without water.

Please, an acerbic
comment, would it kill
you? Just for me.

More and more people are
watching your show, Jon
Stewart, Bill Maher for news.

News from comedians.
How crazy is that?

Let's move on, okay?

Alison, Jenny,
your thoughts?

Well, I hope this doesn't
sound silly, but you know,

the other two candidates
are family men. Okay?

And Tom,
with all due respect,

how are you gonna come off
as family-friendly?

Well, I can hold
my mother's ashes.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, well, I know,
we'll lose a certain
amount of people there.

But Chicago, the dead
vote there, come on.

She's right, though, Tom.
I mean, as soon as
the program starts,

and we see the other
candidates' wives with their
little red suits, you know.

You mean,
I have to get married
before the debate?

What do you mean?
Campaign during the
day, date at night.

It's like some weird
reality show.

Actually, it's not a bad
idea, really. It's part
West Win part Bachelor.

Hey, that's not bad,
you know? "And here's
our first contestant.

"Your name, please?"

"Yes, my name is
Rachel Tensions."
"Yes indeed, there."

"Contestant number two,
your name?" "My name
is Miss Sogyny."

"Yes, I thought
he was really hot,

"but then,
when I found out about

his radical
environmental policy
I went, "Uh-uh.

"I like a dirty environment,
if you know what I mean.

"I want a man who's
not afraid to go in
the wetlands and drill.

"Deep drill, you know
what I'm saying?

"Get down in the mud
and take it home,
daddy. That's all."

It's a piece of shit
idea that could work.

Yeah, but you're running.
DOBBS: I'm running.

You're running because...
You're running because the
people wanted you to run.

Okay, and why do you think
they wanted you to run?

To listen to you talk
about issues? Are you
kidding me?

I can barely listen to you
talk about issues, okay?

Have I not said this
a hundred times?

Listen, we're going to
Chicago. I'm doing the same
thing I've been doing.

That's how I got here.

I want to keep doing it,
because I sense that'll work.

* Thrown like a star
in my vast sleep

* I open my eyes
to take a peep

* To find that
I was by the sea

* Gazing with tranquility

You gotta go to
makeup, Tom. Makeup.

Menken.

* Then when
the Hurdy Gurdy Man

* Came singing
songs of love

* Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy,
hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang

* Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy,
hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang

* Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy,
hurdy gurdy... *

LANGSTON: Look at this.

It's like the circus.
This is nuts.

When I was a kid,
I was in the circus.

No.
Yes.

I used to
shave elephants.

You started in the tent.
You're back in the tent.

I'm not kidding.
They grow these
big beards.

In the wild, they
rub it on trees.

In the circus, you
have to... You shave them
with a blowtorch.

One of those pump things
like gasoline, you throw it
all over their face.

You know what I'm saying?

You gonna have coffee?

Because I need it
to stay awake.
Do you have any green tea?

How long have you
been smoking?

Since I was seven.

Since you were seven.

My father was
a big smoker.

While President Kellogg
and Senator Mills have
spent approximately

$195 million apiece
on the campaign for
media advertising,

Tom Dobbs has not
spent one cent.

He refuses to spend money
on media, saying, "Candidates
are not products."

All right, here's the
very latest now. Dobbs
is running at about 17%

in the 13 states where
he's on the ballot.

You want a beer or soda?
DANNY: Soda, please.

...compared to
a network show,

he certainly has been
extremely influential
in some smaller circles.

We got some clips.
Are they ready in there?

I TiVo all his shows.

Okay, here's some
excerpts from his show.

Swedish car maker Volvo
has announced that they
are replacing air bags

in their new sedans
with breast implants.

The number of rear-end
collisions has increased
95% in Sweden,

and a lot of guys just
like to bump the car
and see what happens.

Also, Pope Benedict
has finally mechanized
the Swiss Guard,

and said, "It's my choice.

"I do it for the Church
and for the fatherland."

You know, it's strange,
I didn't mention
this at the time

when he was chosen Pope.

I was always hoping in
my own heart for
a Brazilian Pope, Pope Raul.

Just so you could have
the nuns in the thong
and the feathers.

(IMITATING SAMBA MUSIC)

I was really thinking that
would bring a lot of people
back to the Church.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

You know, you've
got really great skin.
Oh, thank you.

Little bit of a tan.
Thanks. I went
to a tanning salon.

I wanted to look like
a Kennedy, but I think they
set it on George Hamilton.

George Hamilton. Doesn't
he have a grill?
No, that's George Foreman.

You want to get
married? I need a wife
before the debate.

Interested?
I don't know, Mr. Dobbs.

We could find a nice house
on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Nothing too ostentatious.

Little helicopter
pad in the back,

couple of thousand
phone lines, staff
of 60, come on.

Are you nervous?

Why else would
I propose to a woman
I never met before?

But you have
your own TV show.

Yeah, but on the show
I get to ask the questions.

You got two minutes, Tom.

(DEBATE SHOW
THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Here we go.

Good evening, and
welcome to this last
presidential debate

between the major
candidates for President
of the United States.

The candidates are
the Democratic nominee,
President Kellogg,

the Republican nominee,
Senator Mills,

and for the first time,
included in tonight's debate,

the Independent, Tom Dobbs.

My name is Faith Daniels

and I'll be the
moderator for tonight's
90-minute debate.

MENKEN: Cute.

Cleavage. Is that legal?
Very cute.

Now, the format has
been agreed to by
representatives of both

the Republican and
the Democratic campaigns.

There is no subject matter
that's restricted.

As always, each candidate
will have up to two minutes

to make a closing statement.

The order of those,
as well as the formal
questioning tonight,

were decided in
advance by drawing.

Gentlemen, again,
good evening and
welcome. Let's begin.

Mr. Dobbs,

how would you explain your
decision to run for President
of the United States?

I decided to run
because I'm fed up
with party politics.

I'm tired of the Republican
Party. I'm tired of
the Democratic Party.

A little edgy.
There's no
real difference,

it's
a Mr. Potato candidate.

Basically, you have a thing
here where, here's the
operative word, "Party."

Because behind closed
doors, I think they just
have a really good time.

And when you read
some of the transcripts,

some of the things
your Secretary
of Defense says,

I think there must be
an open bar somewhere.

Because the bottom line is
they've lost track of what
they're responsible for.

They're responsible
to the people,
not party loyalties,

and definitely not lobbyists.

That's why I want to
run for President.
Not punchy enough.

I never thought I'd
be saying this tonight...
Needs a little more flare.

...but you have one
minute remaining on
your time, Mr. Dobbs.

Can I get a refund?

DANIELS: We will continue.

Senator Mills,
I'd like to ask you
the same question.

Well, first of all,
thank you, Faith,

and thank all of you
who are responsible for
having us here this evening.

I'd also like to thank
my wife and children

who have been very
supportive of my candidacy,
have been very helpful.

This guy smiles so much

it's starting to upset me.

I would like to thank
all of those of you
who made this possible.

And if I may reiterate
some of the comments
of Senator Mills,

with respect to family,
children, wives and
immediate family,

and the enormous...

The important role
that they play in
our failure or success,

and, in my case,
success,

my love to them, my love
to all of you, who have...

What?
He's talking about
his wife and children.

Why is he running
on?
You know?

Who cares?

Thank you so much.

And that's
why I have been

a very rigorous advocate
of tough security measures.

President Kellogg and I
think alike in this area.

I am in total agreement
without equivocation

that security measures
have got to remain tough.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

Mr. Dobbs, what would
your position be on
national security?

All right, come on.
MENKEN: Go on, Tom, go for it.

Do it.
DOBBS: I believe that

some of these measures
are already tough.

If you've ever been
through passport control,

you stand in line with
thousands of people.

Eventually, you get to
an immigration officer who's
behind bulletproof glass.

He takes your
passport, looks at
your passport picture,

looks back at you,
looks at your passport
pictures, says,

"Why did you have your
hair cut?" "I don't know.
I felt good about myself."

The next thing he does is,
they have a video camera
that takes a picture of you,

then it compares it
to a previous picture of you.

They're very tough
about that.
They're very skeptical.

He's gotta make his move.
More oomph.

Meanwhile, at the
southern borders
of our country,

four million illegal aliens
are crossing the border

with bedroom sets
and night tables.

Hit them again.

And we're trying
to re-enter the
country legally

and they're asking you
tough questions like,

"Where have you been?
Why were you there?"

And you start to
doubt yourself, like,
"I forgot why I was there.

"I guess it was pleasure.
I guess it was pleasure.

"Yeah, it felt...
It was a vacation.

"I'm sorry,
I took a vacation.
I don't know why."

And then...

(APPLAUSE)

And then the next
thing you know,

they're patting down
an 85-year-old lady
in a walker.

Listen, if there's an
85-year-old lady in a walker,
and she's a terrorist,

basically,
game's over, folks.

And when they start
to put on that rubber glove,

and look at me,
I'm going, "Okay,

"maybe we should
have dinner first
before we do this."

You know, I'm saying,
let's have real security,

and not just the illusion
of security and be
distracted by it.

That's all I'm saying.
Oh! Yeah.

I fully support
hydrogen cars.

DOBBS: That's weird,
'cause you're backed
by oil companies.

DANIELS: You'll have
your turn, Mr. Dobbs.
DOBBS: Sorry.

As I was saying,
some of my colleagues
and I in the Senate

have come up with
a very interesting
strategy to deal with...

But if you're in bed
with oil companies,

how can you be talking
about fuel efficiencies?

I mean, that's like being
a kosher pig farmer.

He's getting angry.

This is not your talk
show, Mr. Dobbs.

And you're not on your
private plane flying to
that golf vacation you took

with the three heads
of the major oil corporations.
How'd you get there?

Your hydrogen car?
It's like something
I never saw before.

DANIELS: Mr. Dobbs,
you have to return
to your podium.

Or did you fly in that
lovely helium plane?

Oh, no, that's a blimp.
I'm sorry. No smoking
in the hydrogen.

Boom! Hindenburg. Okay.
Mr. Dobbs, please.

Of course, he's for
hydrogen. It's gonna
take 30 years to develop,

and meanwhile
we still haven't got any
more fuel efficiency.

We're not exploring
alternative fuels
like methane.

I know it's hard to do,
holding that chicken over
the gas tank, but you know.

Or ethanol, which is
basically fuel alcohol.
DANIELS: Mr. Dobbs.

It's grain alcohol.
You can say, if I get
stopped by the police,

"My car's been drinking,
not me, baby."

Or maybe helium,
because if you have
a helium car...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

If you have a helium car,
you get rear-ended,
next thing you know,

(IN SQUEAKY VOICE)
"Hey, something's wrong."

DANIELS: Mr. Dobbs,
you have got to return
to your podium.

KELLOGG: Miss Daniels,
some order, please.

We have...

DOBBS: Yes, some order. Yes.
You talk about responsibility.
What about you?

Your Treasury Department
lost $28 million.

They can't account for it.
DANIELS: We have
agreed upon...

Return to your podium.
And they claim
accountability.

Tell me, tell me that you are
not receiving major campaign
finance contributions

from the oil
companies, that you...
Boom!

I don't take kindly to
the fact that you're
calling me a liar, Mr. Dobbs.

I'm basically saying, if
this is a debate, you should
answer questions honestly.

You should be accountable
for who you are.

The voter should
know basically
what you represent.

And if you're representing
special interest groups,

maybe we should
be like NASCAR.

You know, we'd be in
the Senate with our suits on,

and basically, they should
know if you're backed
by something,

it'd be like the little
patches like they wear
in NASCAR.

It can say, you know,
"Vioxx, the backaches end,
the heart attacks begin."

And we'll put the big one
on the back. "Enron.
We take your money and run."

Smackdown!

Accountability. It's
all about accountability.

DANIELS: We have
a format here
that we agreed upon.

$100 million,
the government bought in
airplane tickets.

Oh, for God's sakes.
We got some real
trouble here.

...and yet
they're refundable.

Stand by on three, take three.
...and they didn't ask
for the refund.

Faith, can you...
Faith, can you hear me?
And the airlines are...

Yes, can you get control
of this, please? Get
control of this!

Don't you see?
We deal in weapons
of mass distraction.

They push your buttons.
That's how they do it.

He's talking about
hydrogen fuel.

They'll say, "He wants
an amendment to the
Constitution on flag burning."

It's an emotional issue.

They're talking about the
desecration of the flag,

but if you go on-line
right now, you can buy
flag underwear.

Wow.

You could see an old lady,
basically, wearing
a flag thong, and go,

"Oh, Grandma,
don't tell me
where Old Glory is."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's all about
distractions.

KELLOGG: Mr. Dobbs.
DANIELS: Mr. Dobbs.

Mr. Kellogg wants to
pass an amendment...

Mr. Dobbs, you're
totally out of line.

...against
same-sex marriage.

Anybody who's ever
been married knows
it's always the same sex.

Mr. Dobbs!
They don't know
what to do with him.

DOBBS: What's up with that?
Mr. Dobbs, please.

It's a distraction.
They point over here.
They point over there.

They want you not to know.

You don't have to have an
amendment to the Constitution
on burning the flag.

Make it out of asbestos.
No one will want to
touch the thing.

Let someone else
speak, Mr. Dobbs.

DANIELS: Mr. Dobbs, please
do not make a mockery
of this process.

Ma'am, it's been a
mockery a long time...
Return to your podium.

...before I came
here, Faith.
Mr. Dobbs!

(LOUD APPLAUSE)

Now we got applause.
This is wonderful.

That's it, we're out of
control here. We're
absolutely out of control.

$200 billion! You can
buy a few books!

Mr. Dobbs!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

NEWS ANCHOR: It's hard to
say how voters are gonna
react to Tom Dobbs.

Either he's a hot dog
or the genuine article.

He did make some issues
come home to people,

and if he could actually
follow through, he may have
scored some points tonight.

That's a good
point, Cathleen,
but you know what?

This wasn't just funny
in the abstract.

It was very pointed,
and it was very to the point.

He was making political
points with his comedy,

and I thought it was
incredible entertainment.

How good the politics is,
we're gonna have to
wait and see.

It's gonna be
difficult to assess

how the American public
is going to respond

to the level of undisciplined
behavior Tom Dobbs exhibited.

God, I'm feeling good.
In fact,
I'm almost euphoric.

Excuse me. Can you
go see Tom right away?
He thinks he screwed up.

Yeah, I'm euphoric.
He thinks he screwed up.

MENKEN: Who gives a shit
what talking heads think?

Different is good.

When I first saw you
I liked you because you
were different. New, yeah.

You talked too fast,
couldn't understand
you half the time,

but you were fresh.

These politicians today
look like they're borrowed
from the wax museum.

They're already in
their suits, waiting
to be buried.

You want to be like them?
A waste of time. You want
to be different.

All bets are off.

You're a good candidate, Tom,
as loony as that seems.

But...
What?

You could b
e an even better one.

Are you all right?

What's wrong?
I'm just a little
short of breath.

(SIREN WAILING)

Let's get you
to the hospital.

It's his emphysema.

The doctors say
he has a problem

with the enlargement
of his heart,
but he's stable.

There seems to be
a link between smoking
and heart disease.

Or am I just
making that up?

This'll be the first time
I'll be in front of
an audience without him.

You do what you did
tonight and things could
get really interesting.

(CHUCKLES)

The old bastard's
right. Look at that.

You got to be different
to make an impression.
I'm shaking it up there.

Forget trying to
be presidential.

You end up looking like them,
another stiff in a suit.

I got to play my game.

They thought I was
wild in the debate?

Watch me the next two weeks.

I'm back.

MAN: Mr. Dobbs, how do
you answer the allegations
from the Mills camp

that you were arrested
for smoking marijuana?

I definitely was.
Yes, I did inhale,
because I thought,

"What the hell?
It's lit, it's in my hand,
I'll inhale it."

You're not denying
these charges?

Not at all. I was 25.
I was stoned.

At that point,
I was pretty much on
everything but skates.

Sir, do you think
it'll affect the
campaign at all?

Not really.
You want to know
my history, basically?

When I was a young boy,
I used to look at pictures
of naked ladies.

Hence, my right hand
is very strong.

I touched myself
more than the
third-base coach.

Seventeen years old,
I beat up a guy.

When I was 21,
I went to a prostitute.

I was so bad, she
actually gave me a refund.

I once had a blind date
that I left in the theater,

and I felt so bad
about it, I married her.

That's my ex-wife,
who I am not on
good terms with.

I just farted a little
while back there, if any
of you wanted to ask.

And if you find
any other nonsense

you'd like to talk about,
I'll be glad to discuss it.

I'm at full disclosure.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's now time for
the campaign.

It's gonna be a whole
new ballgame, so brace
yourselves, people.

DOBBS: Are you tired
of the Democratic Party?

CROWD: Yeah!

Are you tired of
the Republican Party?

Yeah!

Are you tired
of a Congress
that does nothing?

Are you tired
of having twice
as many lobbyists

as they've ever had before?

Then I...
I have an idea.

Don't vote for
the congressmen
or the senators.

You don't have to vote,
because you know how
we're gonna pick them?

CROWD: No!

The same way we pick a jury.

And you'll get
a more interesting
cross-section

than the folks
you got right now,

I guarantee you.

Do you want a better
health-care system?

You have an HMO
that basically says,

"We'll give you Viagra,
but we won't pay for glasses."

So you can have
a hard-on, but you can't
see where to put it.

We're gonna change it,
aren't we?
Yeah!

Yeah! Now, we're not
just talking liberal
or conservative.

Big-time change.

You know, recently, a lot
of the past administrations

said it's unpatriotic
to question
the government.

You know, if it was
unpatriotic to question
the government,

we'd still be English.

The Boston Tea Party. The
Boston Tea Party wasn't
people going, "Oh, hello."

It was a lot of guys in
Boston going, "Here's
your tea, right here!"

I'm tired of the Democratic
Party. I'm tired of
the Republican Party.

This is what we're talking
about. Freedom of speech.

And it also comes
down to the idea of
freedom of religion,

the idea of practicing
any religion you want,
anytime, anywhere.

You could be anything.
You could be Bewish.

You could be Jewish
and Buddhist.

You sit and you wait
for things to go on
sale. That's okay.

But that's what we're
talking about, the
freedom of religion.

But occasionally religion
crosses over.

You have people saying,
"Intelligent design. You must
teach intelligent design."

Look at the human body.

Is that intelligent? I find
it more interesting.

You have a waste-processing
plant next to
a recreation area.

They always attack
environmentalists, saying,
"You're a tree-hugger."

I go, "No, I've done more
than hug a tree.

"If you find the right
naughty pine, you're gonna
have a good night."

Oh, yeah,
who's your woodsman?
Who's your woodsman?

I'm not just a tree-hugger,
I'm an air-breather.
I'm sorry.

It's bad enough for
the squirrel that's outside
going, "Please, help me.

"I can't breathe today."

If you put enough chemicals
in the water, eventually
you'll be fishing, going,

"You know, Bob,
I love catching them
two-headed bass.

"They're good eating,
once you get past the tumors.

"There's some good
eating out there."

Tired of the Democratic
Party. Now I'm tired of
the Republican Party, now.

But that's why you're here,
because you want change!

Yeah! You want to
shake it up. You have
to be eyes-wide-open,

ready to move on.

On and on,
hand in hand,

everybody together,
moving forward, because
the future is now.

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

(WHOOPS)

WOMAN: Tom, you're
the greatest!
Thank you.

You sure you don't want one
of us to drive? It's eight
hours back to Chicago.

No, I just want to be alone
for eight hours with
my Barry White tapes.

Tom, the doctors say that
Jack's still pretty weak,

so he could actually
doze off before
all the results are in.

What's new?
He used to do
that during my act.

Hey, pick up a couple
of cartons of cigarettes
for Menken.

They're cheaper on the road.
You're so thoughtful.

It's my middle name.
Compassion.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

WOMAN ON RADIO:
The exit polls
are very close.

Kellogg and Mills are
running about even,

with Dobbs at around
17% of the vote.

As you can see,
President Kellogg is
winning by a small margin

over Senator Mills
in Rhode Island,

as well as in Connecticut
and Massachusetts.

But in all three states,
the numbers are very close.

You see these numbers?

The computer glitch.
It's happening the same way.

It looks as if Delaware now
is going to President Kellogg
by a very close margin.

What do you mean,
it's not computing right?

It's not.
Something's wrong.

MAN ON RADIO: Here's
an unusual turn of
events in Virginia.

With now 87% of the vote in,

comedian Tom Dobbs
is leading.

That's going to
surprise more than
a few of the experts,

but Dobbs' numbers
have been increasing
since the last debate.

Most of the polls had
him with 10 to 11%.

So if this vote holds
true in Virginia,

Dobbs is going to surprise
a lot of people.

Yeah!

Ding-dong.
Are you ready for
your pina colonic?

What the hell are
you doing here?

I just thought I'd spend
the evening with someone
who gets on my nerves.

How about Virginia?

Virginia's okay,
but Debbie, such a slut.

A little intensive care
package here.

Red wine.
A good month.

Yes.

Hey, a little cheese
and pate, always good
after a heart attack.

Sit.

MATTHEWS ON TV:
...because comedian
Tom Dobbs

has won New Jersey
as well as Virginia,

a blue and a red state,

which indicates that
his message cuts across
political lines.

It's gonna be interesting.

You're not gonna win
this election,

but at least
you didn't go gently
into the good night.

By the way, from all
the signs tonight,

that Delacroy Voting System
has worked extremely well.

We're not hearing anything
about long lines at the
booths or other snafus.

It seems this has probably
straightened out some of those
voting problems of the past.

* John the Revelator
Put him in an elevator

* Take him up to
the highest high

* Take him up to the top
where the mountains stop

* Let him tell
his book of lies

* John the Revelator
He's a smooth operator

* It's time we cut him
down to size *

Excuse me.
Hey, Eleanor.

Have you looked at
these numbers?
Yeah. Yep.

I e-mailed you. I told you
I thought there was something
wrong with the system.

I was told that the
glitch was just limited
to my computer.

Yeah.

What? Are you
calling me a liar?

No. All I'm saying
is that these numbers,
these results,

this is what I mentioned
to you in my e-mail.

Why did you decide
to test the system?

Well, I don't know.

Why did you need to
run a test at
such a high count?

I don't know.

What did you
expect to find?

If you found a system
error, how were you
going to fix it?

I'm not sure.

Well, look into your
soul and ask yourself
this question.

Why would you test the
computer to such limits

with so few days left
to fix a problem,
if you found a problem?

I was just double-checking.

Do you want to destroy
this company?

'Cause that's what
you very well may do.

You understand
the ramifications.

Do you want to put
over a thousand employees
out of work?

Do you?

But the election
will be a fraud.

Here. Here it is in the
sensible light of day.
The people are voting.

There is an election.
The democratic process
has worked.

The only sour note?

They won't end up
with the person that
they voted for

to be the President
of the United States.

But we can celebrate
the process.

The democratic process
which we hold so dear

will have worked
efficiently, effectively.

Everybody's ultimately
gonna be satisfied unless
somebody discloses

indiscriminately,
willy-nilly,

in which case, it'll
appear that democracy
is in the shithouse

and by tomorrow evening
Delacroy will
be non-existent.

Now, was that your motive?
No.

America votes.
A leader is chosen.

But one thing could disturb
this beatific vision.

I just want to be truthful.

Perception of legitimacy
is more important than
legitimacy itself.

That's the greater truth.

Don't fuck with our
democracy. Don't undermine
our way of life.

You want to know what's
at the heart and soul
of every American?

They believe that
their vote counts.

And now you want
to tell them that
that's not true?

But...
But what?

But the results of the
election will be wrong.

One candidate will win
because of computer error.

He will? How do we know that?
Yes. I'm telling you!

Based on what?
Guessing. Listen, this
is your project, Eleanor.

If you want to
tinker with it
for future elections,

it's not only
your prerogative,
I encourage you.

The Delacroy Voting
System is your baby.

You're a perfectionist.
Bless your heart.
I support you 100%.

You want to make
it more perfect.

But do it alone,
and with an eye
to the future,

because it is the future
that interests us.
Now is the past.

As I understand it,
there's no problem.

And?

And.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHATTERING)

I tell you,
they seem to like
this guy Dobbs.

Oh, Danny, please.

What are you saying?
This is all part of the
same computer error?

Yes.

I'm going home.

Well, I don't know if
she's enrolled in the program,
I'll tell you that.

What does my legal
counsel suggest, then?

I'll go make a phone call.

MATTHEWS: There was
some research done about
a year ago, I think,

saying that more and
more people are getting
their political news

from Leno, Letterman,
Jon Stewart, Tom Dobbs,
and Bill Maher,

more than they do from
newspapers and actual
news programs.

There you go.
My thoughts exactly.

Maybe this is
an extension of that trend.

You're kidding me.
Come on.

It should be on
the news any minute.

It looks like we're gonna
take North Carolina.

What? Oh, and
Indiana? You sure?

Oh, this is so insane.
Insanity, it's
sweet insanity!

And Indiana goes to Dobbs.

(CHEERING)

MATTHEWS: It's just been
confirmed that comedian
Tom Dobbs has won Arizona.

WOMAN ON TV:
If I'm correct,

comedian Tom Dobbs has won
every state where he's
been on the ballot.

Comedian Tom Dobbs
wins the Sunshine State.

So New York wants
a comedian as President
of the United States.

Comedian Tom Dobbs
has been declared
the winner...

With 99% of the vote in,
comedian Tom Dobbs
has won Texas.

The funny man has conquered
the Lone Star State.

You know, according to
my calculations down here,

comedian Tom Dobbs
has got 146 electoral votes.

Right now he's got them.

And there are five more
states to be counted
where he's on the ballot,

out of the 13
to be counted.

And it's possible, if he
takes all five states,

that could put Dobbs
over the top of
the 270 needed.

I believe I've got
my figures correct,
but it's a possibility.

Not a likely possibility,
but it's a possibility.

This is the happiest
night of my life, and
I can't stay awake.

...have not been holding true.
Our exit polls have only in
some cases proven accurate.

Perhaps voters are keeping
their voting choices
close to the vest.

Now, Senator Mills
has very strong numbers,

but not strong enough
to beat President Kellogg.

In fact, the incumbent
has beaten Senator Mills
in every state

where they've been
going one-on-one.

(CLICKS)

They are still confident
of an election victory.

Tom Dobbs has been gaining
momentum since the debate.

Now, right after the debate
there was a mixed reaction,

but what we've seen since
then is that the public
apparently sees him

as a candidate for change.
Oh, for God's sake.
Where is it?

And he has been formidable,
as we've seen in these
numbers here tonight.

We are now going to go live
back to Election Central,

where Chris Matthews is
standing by. Chris?

Hold on to
your hats, folks.

Tom Dobbs...

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

...275 electoral votes.

Comedian Tom Dobbs
is the next President
of the United States.

MATTHEWS: At 1:23
East Coast time,

comedian Tom Dobbs has
been elected President
of the United States.

The free world will now
be led by a comedian.

Mr. President, Donald
Tilson, Secret Service.
I'll be taking over.

You don't find this
a little bit absurd?

Thanks for your honesty.

Always been a big fan
of your work, sir.

Jack, you're the manager
of the President of
the United States.

Comedy Store to
the White House.

WOMAN ON TV: I think we've
got to look into the issue
of computer fraud.

I mean, we've had problems
in other states, Florida,
Ohio, elsewhere,

where it's not only questions
of malfunction but also
questions of legitimacy.

Are these
computers hackable?

Everyone knows there
isn't a paper trail.

It's not the way
the Delacroy System
is set up.

Congress knew that.
And let's face it,

the reality is a comedian
was elected President of
the United States.

Case closed.
End of discussion.

Have you given any
thought to what the makeup
of your Cabinet might be?

Well, I've looked at the
IKEA catalog and didn't
see anything I liked.

But I'm hoping for maybe
a dark walnut with a nice
veneer. That would be lovely.

What was
your Vice President's
response to this victory?

Well, shocked as
the rest of us.

He said, "I guess I'll have
to clear my calendar for
the next four years."

Can we get back to
questions of the Cabinet?

Certainly. My Cabinet
will be diverse.

It will include
both Republicans
and Democrats

and people of
no party affiliation.

I want diversity. I believe
that democracy is about
a collision of ideas.

I'm not of the school
that if you're not for us,
you're against us.

That being said, if I had
my druthers, I'd love
an all-lesbian Cabinet.

They might not
accomplish more

but it'd be fun to think
about what they're doing
behind closed doors.

Thank you
very much, everyone.

We're on our way
to Washington and
wish us good luck.

It's going to be an adventure
and you're all part of it.

Hello!

Hey, Ellie. Sorry,
I didn't see you there.

Well, maybe if you paid
a little more attention
instead of daydreaming.

Sorry, just give me
a cappuccino, please.
Sure.

Hey, Angus.
Cappuccino here.

Can you see he's busy
getting mine right now?

What? I was just
giving him my order.
It's not a big deal.

It's really not
a big deal, Ellie.

Well, apparently it is
'cause, you know, this is
taking forever. It's forever.

Hold your horses.

Hey, Angus,
do you have any of
those cookies I like?

What are they called?

Can you please
just let me get
my cappuccino?

Okay. I didn't realize
you were such a bitch.

Anytime during
this millennium
would be terrific.

Thanks.

Cappuccino?
Yes, thanks.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

ELEANOR: Shit.

Shit. Shit.

Eleanor, let me
lend you a hand.
Shit. I got it.

Just let me take care
of it for you.
I got it. I got it!

It's no problem.
I got it! I got it.

Okay.

I got it. I got it. I got it.
Who stole my purse?

Ellie. Ellie,
it's right here.

Did you empty out my purse?

Did you touch my things?
No.

You touched my things.

I can't believe you
touched my things.

Ellie, I didn't touch
your things.
You touched my things.

What is wrong with you?

He went through my things!

Damn it!

I made a mess.

I've made a mess.
I've made such a mess.

I've made such a mess,
but it's my mess.

It's my mess, and
I'm gonna clean it up.
Okay.

I'm gonna clean.
My mess.

It's my mess, and
I'll clean it.

I'll clean it up.
It's my mess.

It's my mess.

WOMAN: Ellie, do you
want me to get some help?

My mess.

Can someone call 911?

We have a bit
of a deadline.

In terms of appointments,
there are roughly 7,000 to
8,000 slots to be filled,

1,500 of which
will require Senate
confirmation.

Seven to eight thousand?
Do we know that many
incompetent people?

Well, in LA, maybe.

Oh, and over 400
just for core
White House staff.

Yeah. We have to announce
14 Cabinet Secretary positions
or at the very least

begin to float
some of your possible
choices posthaste.

Just off the top
of my head,

I was thinking
Bruce Springsteen
as Secretary of State.

Joke.

A joke. Little one.
Little joke.

Sorry. I'm just a little
nervous, guys. I do care.

I hope this works.

It'll work.

I think.

Thank you. Sorry I'm late.
My horse pulled up lame.

Thank you. Nice tie.

President-elect Tom Dobbs
paid an impromptu
visit to Congress

and literally
brought down the House
with laughter.

As word spread quickly,
more and more members of
Congress left their offices

to see Dobbs' costumed
visit firsthand.

That reception you gave me
was quite extraordinary

and I will try and be brief
because I know Tuesday is
bingo day in Congress.

It should be duly noted,
Chairman, that this is
not a scheduled visit.

It is not on the docket
for today. It's not
really official.

So no rules have
been violated.

It's just our little
secret between you, me
and the world media.

I also have some
disturbing news.

On the way in here,
I took a brief poll,

and one-third of
Congressmen and women

thought that
this was still
the present fashion.

The other third thought that
I looked like former
First Lady, Barbara Bush.

I'm looking at the
toxology report here.
It's overwhelming.

She's got Benzedrine,
morphine, codeine,
cocaine, GHB, Talwin.

DOBBS: Historians
have written that
our founding fathers

were brilliant and
courageous men,

but they sometimes
made difficult decisions,

sometimes had to pass
unpopular legislation.

Now, what would they think
about us 200 and some
years from now?

What will they write
about this Congress?

Will they say
that you were
brave and brilliant?

Courageous?

Will your legacy be
as extraordinary as theirs?

We have a lot to live up to.
I think we can do it.

I know we can do it.

You can't just say
it didn't happen.

When have you ever
known me to ever take
any kind of drugs?

I'm even afraid of Nyquil.

I got a promotion.

They're sending me
to Ireland.

Oh, Danny.

What?

They're just trying
to pay you off.

They just don't want
you talking about
the computer problems.

I got to let people know
the election's a fraud.

Do you think anybody's
gonna believe you?

Sure. Why not?

Maybe because you flipped out
and you're in a hospital

and you've been doing drugs?

I don't do drugs.
Cocaine, Ellie?

I told you, I don't do drugs.
I don't do drugs. I don't.

Who believes you?
Who's gonna believe you?

There's been a few
problems. Education,
health care, inner cities,

infrastructure,
environmental issues.
That's what's before us.

He will.

I think our legacy will be...

AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn left.

ELEANOR: Okay.

Talk to me, baby.
Talk to me.

Drive 0.4 miles,
then turn left.

Okay.

FBI. FBI.

FBI.

FBI.

FBI.

MENKEN: I am now the manager
of the President-elect
of the United States

and 15% of the President's
salary is nothing

compared to what
Dobbs normally makes
on a yearly basis.

This is a monetary sacrifice
I'm willing to make

since I am now the first
show-business manager
ever to handle a President.

* The way you wear your hat

* The way you sip your tea

* The memory of all that

See why I'm making
a living here.

Oh, I wish I could walk.

Oh, man.

Happy birthday,
Mr. Menken.

I'm Eleanor Green, FBI.

Hi, Eleanor Green, FBI.

Everything all right?

Oh, just fine.

Just fine.

I'm just here
just making sure
everything's secure.

I probably shouldn't
have introduced myself.

I'm sorry, that was
out of place.

No, you have to.

Anyway, happy birthday again.

Again? Did another
year just pass?

I taught Tom
everything he knows
about comedy.

Except how to be funny.

I can see that.

A put-down from the FBI.

No, I'm... I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it to
come out that way.

Oh, no, please.
It's all right.

You know, he's only
annoying when he's happy.
It's an old Irish tradition.

You want to dance?
I don't dance.

Oh, perfect.

MENKEN: They didn't teach you
to dance at the FBI?

J. Edgar Hoover was
a wonderful dancer.

Fat, but light on his feet.

Could we just talk
and not move?

Sure.

So what do you do when
you're not pretending
to be an FBI agent?

It's that apparent?
Yeah.

You're not concerned?
Someone like me
crashing the party?

Please. Listen,
I've played in
clubs for years.

Had to deal with drunks,
hecklers and
angry waitresses,

one of which is my ex-wife.

But you know, I have an eye
for that kind of thing,

and you wouldn't be
on my dangerous list.

Good.

That's good.
Yeah.

Besides, Secret Service
already flagged you,
and I said you were okay.

Too fast?
No, it's fine. No.

So, what do you really do?

Well, I did work for
Delacroy Voting Systems.

But they had cutbacks.
I was laid off.

Laid off? Wow, I thought
they were making the big
bucks. I mean, that's weird.

Well, it was a small
cutback, actually. It was
a very small cutback.

Actually, just me.

Oh, so, would "fired" be more
appropriate than "cutback"?

Well, if you want
to be picky...
Oh, picky.

...with words, then
yes, then I guess, fired.

Fired would be it.

May I ask why?

Oh, none of my business.
It is.

Look, you're having such
a good time. I don't want
to spoil it. It's...

Excuse me.
Tom, you have to do
the birthday toast now.

Okay. I'll be right
there. Yeah.

Listen, we're staffing
up right now, and...

Staffing up?
Yeah.

Oh, staffing up? No,
that's not what I meant.

Okay.
That's not why I'm here.

Oh, that's all right,
but listen, this is
my personal cell.

And you know,
if you need anything,
you call. Okay?

(CHEERING)

DOBBS: Yes!

Yeah! Yes, indeed!

To Jack Menken,
a man who once said,

"If Mama Cass had
shared a sandwich
with Karen Carpenter,

"they both would
be alive today."

I'm sorry.

This is a man
who is so sensitive,
someone once asked,

"What do you think of
gay marriage?"
And he said,

"I think gays have a right
to be just as miserable
as the rest of us."

To Jack Menken, an
incredible human being.

A great manager.
A great manager.

Made you a star.
Made you the President.

And by doing so,
has put me out of work.
Yes! God bless him.

God bless Jack Menken!

* Well, my heart knows me
better than I know myself

* So I'm gonna let it
do all the talking

* I came across a place
in the middle of nowhere

* With a big black horse
and a cherry tree

* Big black horse
and a cherry tree

* I can't quite get there
'cause my heart's forsaken me

* Big black horse
and a cherry tree

* I can't quite get there
'cause my heart's
forsaken me *

(PHONE RINGING)

ELEANOR: Danny, hi.

Hey, where the
hell are you?

Are you alone?
This is your cell
phone, right?

Yeah, why?
What's going on?

Paranoid, I guess.
I got a chance to
meet him. Dobbs.

(DANNY SIGHS)

You didn't tell him,
did you? I mean...

No, but he should know,
don't you think?

Let it go. Just put it
behind you, okay?

Nothing good can
possibly come from
revealing what happened.

Listen, is anyone trying
to figure out what happened
with the system?

I'm just curious.

I don't know. You know,
I mean, it's not the sort of
thing that I'd hear about.

I think they'd be going
through their private channels
for that sort of thing.

You know how that goes.

Ellie?

Good night, Danny.

WOMAN: James Hemmings' office.

ON PHONE: Yes,
is Mr. Hemmings in?
This is Tom Dobbs.

Just a minute.

Mmm-hmm?

ON INTERCOM:
It's a Tom Dobbs.

Is that the Tom Dobbs,
President-elect Dobbs?

Well, did you ask?

No, I was too embarrassed to.

All right.

James Hemmings.

James, Tom Dobbs,
President-elect.

Yes, sir. Yeah, of course.

I know this is a little
out of the ordinary,

but did you have an employee
named Eleanor Green?

Yep.

Is something wrong?
I need some information.

It's strictly confidential.
Just between you and me.

Yeah, I mean, well,
you know, where do I begin?

Well, I know that she
was fired by Delacroy.

Look, I'm a little confused.
Is she... Is she applying
for a job with you?

No.
Did you meet with
her personally?

Yes. That's how
I knew that she was
a Delacroy employee

and that she was
fired by your company.

Yeah, yeah. Did...
Did she add to that?

Add what?

Did she mention that
she had a very,
very bad drug problem?

She had a breakdown here.
She had to be hospitalized.

No, she didn't
mention that.

HEMMINGS: Yeah, yeah, that's
why I'm surprised she's there.
She should be in drug rehab.

It's weird. She doesn't
seem like the type.

You know how I
might reach her?
You know how I can reach her?

I guess we both have
a problem in that area.

Yeah. Yeah.

Look, if I hear anything,
I'll contact you.

Delacroy Systems has
completed a deal with
the European Common Market,

which will invest in
their successful computer
voting system.

With this announcement,
Delacroy stock has jumped
37% on the big board.

WOMAN ON TV: Come on!

"S."

HOST: Yeah,
there are two of them.
All right.

$900.
MAN ON TV: "N."

Yeah, two "N's." That'll
get you on the board
with $1,800.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

$800.
WOMAN: "L."

Yeah, there are two of them.
You have almost $3,000 now.

I'd like to buy a vowel.
Yeah.

I'd like to buy an "I."
Well, there are two "I's."

This would be a good
time to find a letter.

"M."

Or three. Yes.

Double "G's" before
double "L's."

Double "B's" before
double "G's."

Yes! Yes!

Double "G's" before
double "L's."

Double "B's" before
double "G's".

It's alphabetical.

It's alphabetical.

Okay, you mean to tell me
that we didn't shut down her
access when we let her go?

Evidently not.
That's smart.

Her ID's showing up on
the access logs.

She's been in the mainframe
and poking around
the code depository.

Do we know where she is?

Not yet, but we will.

DE NIRO ON TV:
What's the matter?

You know what's the
matter. I'm unhappy.

You're unhappy
about what?

What do you think
I'm unhappy about?

You agreed to
play the turkey.
I never agreed.

You know, it's not
a big deal. All you do is
cluck, cluck, cluck...

First of all,
we don't cluck,
we gobble, okay?

And if it's not such
a big deal, why don't
you be the turkey?

You want me to be the turkey?
Yeah, come on.

You want me to be the turkey?
Yeah.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

ON PHONE: Tom here.
ELEANOR: Hi.

Eleanor, is that you?
Yes.

How do you turn
the music down?

We're having a little
post-Thanksgiving outing.

Can I pick you up?

An outing?

No, I had something
I had to tell you.

Good, good.
Give me an address.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC
CONTINUES BLARING)

Eleanor! We're
going paintballing.

I brought you some
camouflage and thermals

because it's gonna
be cold up there.

Follow me, men.

What?
Cold.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES)

(YELLS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Damn, I can't believe it.

Oh, God.
Oh, God! Oh, God.

DOBBS: You all right?

I'm out.
Well, thank God.

I'm out of ammo!

The President-elect's
just been shot. He's dead.
Let's go round them up.

What a pleasant way to
spend the day, huh?
Killing your friends.

That's all the exercise
I'm ever gonna need.

Did that hurt?
Yeah.

Yeah.
I'm sorry.

Hey, Tom, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Sure.

We have to walk away
from those with
listening devices.

Do they have
listening devices?

No, they can't hear you.
Well, they hear each
other, but not us.

Okay. Yeah.

Because I haven't been...

I haven't been forthright
with you about certain
things. Maybe forthright...

God. Forthright isn't

the word I'm looking for.

Maybe I haven't disclosed
enough and that really isn't
easy for me especially,

now that I know you
on, I mean, not...

Okay, I don't know you.
I mean, I know you...

No, I know you because
you're Tom Dobbs. I know you,

but I don't really
know you and...

Well, you know, you got a
lot of setup here. All right,
you don't need that much.

You know, it's
too much of a lead-in,
just the punch line.

You're going to
be President of
the United States.

Yeah.

Maybe that's not so bad.
I hope.

Yeah.

Oh, God. I worked
at Delacroy.
And I worked so hard.

Yeah.
And I cared. I cared so much.

And I am so full of guilt.
I can make this
a lot easier for you.

What do you mean? How?

Well, I called Hemming
at Delacroy.

What?
Yeah.

Well, you know, I wanted
to find you, and I remember

you said you worked at
Delacroy, and I wanted
to see you.

You did?

You wanted to see me?
Yeah.

Wow.

God. That's good.

Yeah, good, not so
good, you know?
No, it's good.

Well, he told me about
your drug problem,
and... Yeah.

Oh, no.
No.

No, no, no. I don't
have a drug problem.
Whatever. It's all right.

I do not have a drug problem.
It's okay,
it doesn't bother me.

Hey Tom,
I hate to interrupt,

but the Secret Service
wants you out
of here by dark.

By the way, drug dealers
have this place
booked until dawn.

I didn't tell him.
He's just making a joke.

We'll talk about it later.
Honestly. It's okay.

There is no
drug problem.

That's all I need to
know. I don't think
you have it...

There's a lot to
discuss here.
Yeah, I think,
well, whatever...

I don't know.
That just doesn't
look clear to me.

What do you think?
Like, another 30 minutes?

Yeah, maybe.

The wing is still...
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

We may have a problem here.

I like it crispy. I like
a nice, crunchy skin.

I know, Menken,
I know you do.

Just want to make
myself heard.
You've been heard.

I'm a producer.
I've produced
a lot of turkeys.

I know what I'm talking about.
Yes, you have.

Look at this old C-SPAN.
Congress is in session
and no one's there.

Look, Harkin's speaking
about an amendment
to a budget bill.

The place is empty.
How do you get people in
their seats? That's crazy.

These people have
things to do.
Like?

Like, hello, they've got
lobbyists to deal with.

They've got trips
that the lobbyists
have sent them on.

Oh, right.
They've got to go do TV shows

to explain to people
what they're not doing
while they're not there.

This makes golf
look like porn.

Shouldn't you be
giving that up?

Did you know
there were once ads

that said four out of
five doctors recommend
this brand or that brand?

Come on, you're kidding me.

Doctors used to
recommend cigarettes?

Said they were
good for you.

There was one slogan,
before my time, "Not a
cough in the carload."

It's a little too late now.

I'm sorry.

(DOBBS WHISTLES QUIETLY)

You like our Tom Dobbs,
do you?

Unfortunately, I do.

I see that.

(FRENCH SONG PLAYING)

(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

I have to talk to
you in private.

Now?
Yeah.

Okay.

Thanks.

You've got
a great group.

Ellie, whatever
your problem is...

What? You can
fix my problem?

Is this the President-elect
speaking or just Tom Dobbs,
the comedian?

Just Tom Dobbs.
Good.

Because Tom Dobbs
is not the elected President
of the United States.

There, I've said it.
Kill me.

It's true.

There was a problem with
the computer voting system.
I tried to warn them.

And it's that error that's
made you the next President
of the United States.

I didn't win?
Not even close.

Why are you telling me this?
What do you want me to do?

I don't know.
I just... I had to say it.

I've been living with this.
And I just had to tell you.

You want to go
public with this?

Well, I can't. I mean,
I could, but I mean,
nobody would believe me.

I mean, not anymore.

I mean, but somebody
has to know. Somebody,
at least you.

I mean, I don't know.
You know...
Look, I don't know.

Maybe it is best that
you're the next President
of the United States,

even if they didn't vote
for you. I don't know.

Out of curiosity,

did you vote for me?

No. I don't vote.

I mean, to be honest
with you, I don't vote.

I mean, politicians will
say anything in the
world to get elected.

I mean, maybe I'm
just too jaded.

I mean, honestly,
I didn't even think
you had a chance.

I know it's ironic I'm
talking like I'm concerned.
I don't even vote.

I've got to talk this over
with Menken. Come on,
I want you with me. Come on.

No, I can't.
Why not?

I can't.
Come on.

Tom, I can't.
Why?

I had to tell you.
You do with it
what you want.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

MENKEN: Something wrong?

You guys have a fight?

She knows a lot about
computers, more than you
ever want to know, really.

Should I be impressed?

It's kind of improbable,
me winning the election.

Mark Twain once wrote,
"The only difference
between reality and fiction

"is that fiction needs
to be credible."

We are, my friend,
in uncharted waters.

She just told me
I didn't win the election.
Whoops.

Computer malfunction.

She knows this for sure?

Yeah.

She tried to warn
the Delacroy Company

and they hid it.
A little bad for business.

You don't believe her, do you?
I do.

It's true.

I always thought the TV
Nielsen ratings were
full of shit, but this?

Hard to believe all
those years that many
people watched JAG.

I never met anybody
who'd say, "Hey, did you
see JAG last night?"

Don't believe her
so quickly, Tom.

She knows what
she's talking about.

That's debatable.

So what's she gonna do?

Nothing. She
left it up to me.

Leaving it to you.
Well, Delacroy is not
gonna say anything.

She's not gonna
say anything. So,

there's no problem.
No problem?

We move on.
Oh, like nothing happened?

Something like that.

You know, if you tell a joke
and it stinks but you put
a laugh track over it,

the joke still stinks.

I'm President,
but not really.

This is where we are.

You want to throw it
away or go for it?

I never told you
which gigs to take.
I only advised,

but to me, this decision
is a slam dunk.

Yeah.

(PHONE RINGING)

ELEANOR: Tom?

Eleanor, tomorrow
at 11:00 I'm going to
have a press conference,

and tell the American people

that I'm not the
legitimate President
of the United States.

I'm so sorry.

I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

Danny, I told him.

DANNY: Why did you tell him?

God, I had to, and
now I hate myself.

Does he believe you?

ELEANOR: He's calling
a press conference tomorrow.
At 11:00 tomorrow morning,

he's going to make
the whole thing known.

Oh shit.
Look what you did.

I wish
I hadn't told him.

I mean, I know I did
the right thing. I know
I did the right thing.

It was the right thing to do.
And yet... And yet,

maybe I've done the
wrong thing, and how can
that possibly be?

I mean, did I do the
right thing or did I do
the wrong thing?

I know it's the right thing
to do, and then why
do I feel like this?

We've got to pre-empt
his press conference.

And very early
tomorrow morning.

All right. Yeah.

Press conference set up?
What the hell's going on?
Yeah.

Okay.

Jack! Jack!

Got a reporter says
Delacroy is going to make
a major announcement.

It's a big story,
something to do
with Eleanor Green.

WEATHERMAN ON TV: Well,
this is what we've got
going on today.

They're called
the witches of November.

A winter storm pushing in
from the Great Lakes.
That's going to spread in

one to three inches of snow
right across the DC area.

Now, I don't think
there's any more than that.

Not a lot of moisture here.
You can see it.

It's a pretty closed-up
system, and it's going to
move up quite quickly...

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt
this broadcast to bring you
this breaking news.

We have some dirty laundry
that needs to be addressed.

Recently, Delacroy had
to dismiss an employee,
Eleanor Green,

who was suffering
severe psychological
problems.

We made an effort to
get her medical help and
subsequently discovered

that she was heavily
involved in the use of
barbiturates and cocaine.

We would have kept
this information private,
but additional facts

concerning Miss Green
have come to light.

We have evidence
that Miss Green

manipulated the prototype
of our computer voting system.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Tom here.

Turn on the television.

What channel?
Any channel.

STEWART: Her motives
aren't quite clear to us,

apart from the fact that
she seemed obsessed
with Tom Dobbs,

to the degree that
she actually
tried to corrupt

the computer system to
get him elected.

We also know that
the President-elect has been
seen in her presence recently.

We'd like to make this very
clear. We're not suggesting
that there was any impropriety

on behalf of
the President-elect,

other than the fact
that he knows this woman.

Pull over.

We're a family at Delacroy.

We have an extensive
health care program

and lots of people
have psychological problems,

mental problems,
health problems of
one kind or another.

It's not something you
should sweep under the rug.
You gotta talk about it.

We believe that strongly,
and we make
our best effort to

find out about it as soon
as possible and to give help.

The good news is
all the computer voting
systems installed

at the polling stations
throughout the United States
remain secure.

Therefore, there were
no irregularities
in the election,

and our safeguards
proved to be impenetrable.

And that's all
the information that
we have at this time.

I'll take any questions now
if you got them. Yes?

Take a look at this.
Take a look at this.
Perfect, just perfect.

She's a piece of work, huh?

Flipped out in
the company cafeteria,
on all sorts of drugs,

clearly a mental case,
hospital said she had more
pills in her than a pharmacy.

I believe her.

She didn't seem
that crazy to me.
MENKEN: You're
in love with her.

She could tell you
Gandhi ate hot dogs
and you'd believe her.

Take a look at this.
Take a look.

If what she says is true,
I'm really not
the President-elect.

"If" is becoming
a very large word.

Did you forget? The first time
we met her she said she
was working for the FBI.

She said she knew about
the computer fraud, but takes
three weeks to tell you?

Oh, by the way, you're
not the President
and Happy Thanksgiving.

If she's not psychotic,
she's a stalker.

And if she's not a stalker,
she's a CIA operative.

Or maybe, just maybe,
she's a succubus.
What's that?

A succubus is some sort
of a demon that sucks
the life out of healthy men.

I was once a healthy man.

What are you talking
about? Please, stop.

Don't get off track.

Can I get change for
this, please? My dollar
won't work in your machine.

You're that Miss Green
from the television.

I wasn't sure, 'cause
you always pay cash.

Did your uncle get
hold of you?
What?

Your uncle. He was trying
to call your room. He said
he couldn't get through.

By the way, that machine
doesn't work.

Yes, sir...
Yes, sir. I'm in
her hotel now.

I think she may have
figured out the glitch.

Bring it back. Bring her back.
I want constant updates.

AGENT: Yes, sir.
When I find her,
I know what to do.

Boy, if she's figured out
this computer glitch,

and goes with that to the
press, we're royally screwed.

Mr. President,
you have that
luncheon speech,

followed by a White House
meet and greet.

What do I do?
Go be presidential.

(SIRENS BLARING)

(CLAMORING)

REPORTER: Will your speech
today give us any insight into
the Eleanor Green situation?

Jack, I've been trying
to call her, but
I can't reach her.

MENKEN: You have a busy
schedule, keep...

Oh, that's terrific.

Saturday Night Live wants
you on "Weekend Update."
What do you think?

Did I hear
Saturday Night Live?
Yeah.

Do it.
Why?

Because it's
a great opportunity.

You talk about how
you were blinded by love.

You didn't know
she was secretly
popping pills.

It isn't like you were on
some side street getting head,
like Hugh what's-his-name.

You're so sensitive.

Okay, I'll do it.

Yep, he'll do it. I'll call
you later for details.

It's hard to believe it's
been a year since we've
gathered together,

but nonetheless, we are
very pleased to have a most
honored guest with us.

LANGSTON: I wrote
down some lines for you.

They're fantastic,
if I must say so.

I even threw in
an old Hitler joke.

How's that supposed to work?
Oh, you'll see.

Tom Dobbs.

Knock 'em dead.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you very much.

I guess we should get this
over with at the beginning

because you've all heard
there's a little bit of a
rumor going around right now.

So I'll share the big
scoop with you because
Oprah was booked.

I'm not even
President of the
United States yet,

and I am involved
in a scandal with a woman.

I did not have sex
with that woman.

I wanted to. I'm single.

And you've elected
a man as President
who is probably

the unluckiest man in
the world in that area.

In high school,
most of my dates
were with myself.

I would take myself out for
dinner, bring myself home,

put on music that I liked,

have my way with
myself, and then go,

"Should I drive myself
home now?"

Pretty much the bottom line.
I guess if I was in Italy,
I might get lucky.

I mean, they elected
an Italian porn star
to their Senate,

which is wonderful.
There's no sex scandal there,
just great posters,

and incredible downloads.

I think that's
the bottom line.
In a democracy,

we can have a certain
sense of humor about
ourselves. We have to.

You're allowed to make fun
of those in power.

But even in the face of
tyranny, there is comedy.

These two old Jews were
sent to kill Hitler.

They waited in an alleyway.
They were supposed to
kill Hitler at 12:30.

They're there with
guns, bombs, knives.

12:30, no Hitler.

12:45, no Hitler.

1:00, no Hitler.

Finally, one turns
to the other and goes,

"My God, I hope nothing
happened to him."

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

It's good to see us back
again. The fact that we
can laugh is wonderful.

The last few years,
we've been divided, though.

Red states, blue states.

There are no red states and
blue states. There's only
the United States of America.

That's what we're about.

That's why I say you
can't spend $200 million
on a campaign,

and not be owing
people something.

And the next thing you know,
they have to deal with
the special interests.

And next thing you know,
they're doing special favors
for special people,

and not dealing with
what you need.

Education, health care,
environmental issues.

They have to deal with
oil companies, chemical
companies, drug companies.

And they owe them.
And in the process,
people get neglected.

The poor have no advocate
because the poor can't
afford a lobbyist.

The Statue of Liberty
says, "Give me your
tired, your poor,"

not, "Your wealthy, your
gifted, and your endowed."

I worked out your bit
with SNL. They really
liked it.

Has Eleanor called
the headquarters yet?
No.

She hasn't called me, either.
Well, you never
know with females.

I had an ex
who used to do
enough tranquilizers

to put a small flock
of sheep to sleep.
Why?

Well, mostly, she said
it made the sex
with me more bearable.

Eleanor didn't do drugs.
Oh, no.

And ballplayers don't
do steroids.

They just wake up
one day looking
like Mack trucks.

Pump a little iron,
you look like a Humvee.

With little tiny balls.

AIDE: Now remember,
this is a meet and greet
and nothing more.

DOBBS: I know.
The house is so
close to the street.

Whoa, boy, that's a desk.

I mean, I've never really
sat behind a desk before.

I mean, the one on the show
is just a prop. But this...

Where do you do
your writing?

Usually on the back of
a napkin, sitting in
a bar or a restaurant.

Well, there's a lot of
history to this desk.

I remember the first time
I sat behind it, I had
a sort of nervous chill.

Some of the greats
and not-so-greats
have sat here.

Please.
Thank you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me, Mr. President.

Hello?
ELEANOR: Tom? Tom?

Eleanor, hold on.

Mr. President, I'll just
be a minute. Thank you.

Tom, two guys broke into
my hotel room. I don't
know what to do.

Who? Who are they?

They're connected with
Delacroy. I think they
know I broke the code.

Code? What code?

I figured out
what caused
the computer glitch.

Where are you now?

I'm in a shopping mall.
Shopping?

No, I'm not shopping.
Well, why are you there?

I just... I didn't know
what to do. I thought
this was safer.

Mr. President-elect,
I'm on a bit of
a tight schedule.

Listen, Eleanor,
I'm with the President.

What?

I'm with the President
of the United States
in the Oval Office.

You're with the President?
You're in the Oval Office?

Well, Tom, I just don't
know... I don't know what to
do. I'm afraid... Hello?

Tom? Hello? Hello?

Hello.

Sorry, sir.

Wow.

It's been a pleasure,
Mr. President. Thank you.

By the way, Mr. Dobbs,
I never thought
you had a chance.

I underestimated you.

Well, just between you
and me, Mr. President,

you didn't
underestimate me at all.

Really? Why?

Oh, but that's so weird.
I never said
anything to him.

No, he said stuff to me.
Oh, like, what am I
gonna say back?

But... Hold on a sec.

Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
I need a charger for
this cell phone,

something I can plug
into my cigarette lighter.

We don't stock the charger
for that anymore. How long
have you had that phone?

Well, it's not like it's
a relic. It's a year old.

Well, there is a problem.
It's a year old.

Mr. Stewart would like
to see you at Delacroy.

Why does he
want to see me?

He just wants to sit
down and talk to you.

Reasonable people
can come to
reasonable solutions.

You figured out the
computer glitch and you
should be paid for your work.

The Delacroy jet is waiting
at the private air terminal.

I got her.

Get in.

Get in.

(GROANS)

Shit.

Yeah. I'm tracking her
on her GPS.

Yes. First opportunity I get,
I'll pick her up,
bring her to the airport.

I just got off the
phone with the FBI.

They'll confirm that you
had no contact with Eleanor
Green prior to the election.

So that gets you
off the hook,

in terms of you being
involved in any attempt
to fix the election.

AIDE: Sir, we've got to
get you to the airport
a little earlier.

There's a storm
front moving in.

Oh, for God's sake.

Well, after Saturday Night
Live tonight, then I'm
going to be heading on.

Why so soon?

Well, Menken thinks it's
for the best. No sense
postponing the inevitable.

Will you be disappointed
to go back to television
after this ride?

LANGSTON: Oh, no. I have
a glorious love-hate
relationship with TV.

AIDE: How so?
LANGSTON: TV scares me.

It makes everything
seem credible.

But why is
that so bad?

Well, if everything seems
credible, then nothing
seems credible.

You know, TV puts everybody
in those boxes side by side.

On one side, there's the
certifiable lunatic who says
the Holocaust never happened.

And next to him
is this noted,
honored historian

who knows all about
the Holocaust.

And now, there they sit,
side by side.
They look like equals.

Everything they say
seems to be credible.

And so, as it goes on,
nothing seems
credible anymore.

We just stop listening.

In the Times today,
60% of the voters would
have voted for Dobbs

if they could have.
LANGSTON: Well, yeah.

He sounds different.
That's why
they can hear him.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

My cell phone died
and some guy is after me.

I thought two guys
were after you?

No, this is someone else.

Who?

I assume that he's
from Delacroy. He has
a pickup truck.

Eleanor, I think
you need help.

He tried to abduct me
from the mall.

From the mall. Okay.

Look, I think it has
to do with the fact that
I figured everything out.

She's in a phone
booth off Route 173.

You see, Mills and Kellogg
both have double "L's,"

but Kellogg trumps him with
double "G's," and you trump
him with double "B's."

I don't know what that
means, Eleanor. Listen,
where are you?

I don't know. I don't know...
I don't know where I am.

It's dark.
There's a factory.

I see a Christmas tree.

I don't know.
I don't know where I am.

What do you want me
to do now, sir?

STEWART: I'm willing to
offer her big money,
big money.

She's running away now?

Why is she running away?
She's impossible.

I don't know who she's
talking to. I don't know
what she's saying.

All right. Go to the
airport. You go to BWI
private terminal.

There's a plane there.
We'll get on that plane,

I'll take you to New York,
and we'll solve
your problem, okay?

Private terminal at
the airport? I don't know
how to get to the airport.

All right, I'll try. I'll try
and get there. I'll look in
my GPS or something.

Hello? Eleanor?

MAN ON TV: We have
breaking news now.

We do know there
has been a very
serious traffic accident.

It is tying up traffic
out on the
Baltimore-Washington Parkway,

just where it meets
Route 495, and that is
the Capital Beltway.

And there has been
one serious injury. We have
been talking to police.

They have identified
the injured woman as
an Eleanor Green.

Oh, my God.

And yes, if that name
sounds familiar to you, it
is the same Eleanor Green...

Menken! You have
to see this!

Sir, we just got
a report of an accident.
It's Eleanor Green.

Not now, please.
Excuse me.

Are you with the ambulance?
Yes, sir.

Eleanor Green?
She's in stable condition.

Thank you.

Not now.

Oh, shit. Why does
he have to get himself
into this mess?

Kid driving the truck
is from Pittsburgh.

Apparently, he lost control
on the ice, went right
off the road.

Tom, we've gotta get to
Saturday Night Live.

There's time.

ELEANOR: Double "B."

Double "L," double "G,"
double "B."

Double "L," double "G,"
double "B."

Double "L," double "G."

Double "L," double "G."

DOBBS: They are trying
to discredit her.

She's not psychotic, okay?

I believe her,
for Christ's sake.
Look what they did.

MENKEN: Last night you were
willing to give it all up.
Now you want to do it again.

Listen to me.
Police said a truck
went out of control.

I'm trying to tell you
that she was trying
to tell me something.

It was snowing.

She said she knew
what the computer
glitch was.

And the way she is right now,
it'll be a couple of days
before we can find out.

Where's the proof,
some proof?
Give me something,

something to justify
what she's saying.

We don't have time
to keep playing this game.

She was trying to explain
it to me, but it didn't
make any sense.

She kept saying, "Double 'B,'
double 'G,' double 'L.'"

It's like a code,
but I don't know
what it means.

Whatever the hell
happened, we're never
gonna know for sure.

Only one thing remains true.
You're the President.

You're either getting
on that plane or not.

Tom, come January 20th,
the White House is yours.

Nothing can change that.
No one can, except you.

You coming?

ANNOUNCER: From Studio 8-H
in Rockefeller Center,

it's "Weekend Update"
with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Hi, I'm Amy Poehler.

I'm Tina Fey.
And here are tonight's
top stories.

A Malaysian man, famous
for pulling planes and
buses with his hair,

died this week of
heart complications.

Tragically, he would
still be alive,

but he insisted
on pulling his
own ambulance.

(LAUGHTER)

A German filmmaker is
planning to make a comedy
about Adolf Hitler.

Hey, I just went through
the cue cards and I'm telling
you, you're gonna kill.

You know, it's gonna
work like a charm.
Don't worry about a thing.

And you do a couple of
those Eleanor Green jokes,

and we get this stuff
way, way behind
you, all right?

All right.
You can go on
and be President.

(LANGSTON LAUGHING)

Forensic scientists say
they have recreated
George Washington

as he looked at age 19,

while Tom Dobbs has
recreated how Thomas Jefferson
would have looked

if he were crazy.

POEHLER: University
researchers have set up
a Google-backed program

to track spyware, adware,
and other bad-ware
back to its source.

And when the source is
finally identified,
Tom Dobbs will sleep with it.

(LAUGHTER)

FEY: A new report suggests
that more species of birds

mate for life than
previously believed,

while other species
only mate for votes.

This week, Tom Dobbs
met with his presidential
transition team

who briefed him on
the day-to-day activities
of the Oval Office.

However, Dobbs became upset
when he learned that Monday

would no longer be re-runs.

I heard that!

Who said that?

(PRESIDENTIAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Do we have a special guest?

What?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

President-elect Tom Dobbs.

Wow.

DOBBS: Just in
the neighborhood,
thought I'd drop by.

I always wanted to say
that, sounds like Bob Hope.
"Thought I'd drop by."

Thank you so much for
coming. Sit down. Make
yourself comfortable.

Lovely, thank you.

Well. Now listen, we
all saw you in Congress in
that outfit the other day.

That was quite flattering.

Those wigs, it's kind
of nice. I love
the buckled shoe, though.

It's, you know, part
pimp, part pilgrim.

You can either get off
th Mayflower or have
four girls in a Cadillac.

They love him. That's nice.
Yeah, it's working
like a charm.

I'm thinking, and
this is just out loud,

that I should go with
some Manolo Blanco, just to
give you that little...

Lift your ass.
Lift... Lift the ass.

Next time, I want to go
stilettos, something crazy.

Manolo.

Now, I'm pleased
that the FBI cleared up
any suspicion

that you knew Eleanor Green
before the election.

Not at all. No.
Good.

So, I guess that absolves
you of any kind of
conspiratorial thing,

that you fixed
the election.
Right

So, what do you make
of this woman's
obsession with you?

Well, Tina, I have just
one question for you.

Is this a face that
a woman would be
obsessed with?

Well...
Well, by your pause,
I understand.

Because I think, you know,
a woman could be obsessed with
a movie star like Brad Pitt,

hello, and you could say,
Angelina. I could be
obsessed with Angelina.

I just want to wet
her lips and just stick her
to something.

And also you could say
obsessed with rock and roll
stars, you know.

It's like women rushing
the stage, fainting.

It was for Elvis,
for the Beatles,

for Mick Jagger,
just to say,
"This is your baby."

But women don't rush
the stage for comedians.

I mean, they basically...

If they throw their panties
on the stage for me,

it's because they want
them fluffed and folded
and back by Friday.

I threw my underpants
at Britney Spears
once, but...

'Cause I thought
she needed a pair.

DOBBS: God bless.

I thought you were gonna
say you threw it at
Paris Hilton and they stuck.

POEHLER: That's
a good re-write.

"Good night, good luck."
That's from our new book,
One Night in Paris.

But I mean, for me,
I have to think,
here's the basic thing.

I mean, how plausible
is it that a woman would
fix an election

because she's obsessed
with me? I mean, where's
the hanging chad?

Where's the governor
of the state
being your brother?

Where's the Supreme
Court ruling against
the voter? Come on.

Where's the conspiracy
in that? None, really.

And here's the real question
you're asked to ask.

It's like, if that's not why,
what is the real answer?

What is
the real answer?

DOBBS: Thank you for
picking that one up.

Where's he going with this?

The bottom line is
Eleanor Green came to
me and told me

that there was a computer
glitch in the Delacroy
computer voting systems.

She warned the chief
executive of Delacroy,
James Hemmings,

but they decided
to cover it up for
economic reasons.

It's not good for the
stock offering, really.

The truth is, I'm not
the elected President
of the United States.

Bottom line is it was a
computer error. Not fraud,
but a faulty program.

HAL decided it liked me.

Today I was in
the Oval Office on
a preparatory meeting

and I sat behind
the President's desk and
I had a reality check.

It kind of
overwhelmed me. I...

I sat there and went,
"Wait a minute,
I'm a jester."

A jester doesn't rule
the kingdom. He makes
fun of the king.

And for a brief moment,
I thought, you know,

I could be
the President of
the United States.

I thought I was President
of the United States
until Eleanor talked to me.

It's... I know it's...
We're not on book anymore

and the cue-card guy
is going...

POEHLER: No,
we just usually do
fake news and jokes.

We don't usually
have real news

and non-jokes.

So watch out, Oprah,

'cause we gonna go real, girl.

But here's the deal,
a lot of you voted for me
or at least some of you.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah.
Yeah, thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

And I know you voted for me
because you were fed up
with the status quo,

but you were voting for change
for the sake of change.

And, you know, listen,
you could vote for
someone better than me.

You can do a lot
better than me.

You can do a lot better
than most of the politicians
you've elected recently.

And definitely,
don't put your faith
in a machine

that has less controls
than a Vegas slot machine.

So you don't want
to be a part of
the re-election?

Oh, no, no, please, no,
no, no, no. That's not
a stage I belong on.

This is where I belong,
with folks like you, finding
the "funk" in "dysfunctional."

Mark Twain said,
"Irreverence is basically
the champion of liberty,

"if not its only defender."

That's what we're
there... We're there
to kind of shake it up

and that's what we got to do.

How many of you
think the educational
system is working?

(GIRL WHOOPING)

One girl. Thank you.

"I learned to read."

Do you realize that
40% of American high
school graduates

think that Joan of Arc
was Noah's wife?

So, Tom Dobbs walked away
from being the President
of the United States.

Okay, so he wasn't
really elected,

but if he hadn't
told anyone...

We going to send
some shout-out right now!

MENKEN: Shortly thereafter,
Tom Dobbs went back to
his political comedy show.

I'm gonna get on the desk
like Tom Cruise, going,
"I love her!"

MENKEN: He was
bigger than ever.

Everyone's gonna be
writing about how honest you
are, how straightforward.

I just hope your honesty
doesn't undercut
your irreverence.

I want to do a show about
gay farmers and call it Crop
Suckers Is that offensive?

Not to me.

(CHEERING)

Nothing but the best!

ELEANOR: Yeah?

Hey.
Hi.

Like some company?

I left the nightlight on.

MENKEN: Eleanor became
his producer,

and close companion,

lover. Later his wife.

The two Delacroy executives
were arrested and
later convicted,

because Eleanor's theories
on the computer glitch
proved to be correct.

For those of you who
are actually thinking of
getting breast implants,

I have something new
I want you to try.

A lot of people...
They get the large ones.
Those are lovely.

Do something new for
your boyfriend. Put in
a little squeak toy.

I think that's about the
same. We're pretty easily
amused. We'll be...

You realize that's
what it is for us?
We're like cats.

Also, remember the
best birth control,

ladies, the best birth
control and the cheapest
is simply this...

MENKEN: As for President
Kellogg, he won against
Mills in re-election,

and in his second term
was better than any of us
would have expected.

Not great, but better.

Maybe Tom Dobbs had
something to do with it.
Who knows?

But I like to think

that one thing does
lead to another.

Remember this,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's an old phrase,
basically anonymous,

but politicians are
a lot like diapers.

They should be changed
frequently and for
the same reason.

Keep that in mind next
time you vote. Good night.

(APPLAUSE)