Original subtitles

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

USHER 1: Welcome to The Tom Dobbs Show.

USHER 2: Please have your tickets ready for the ushers.

MAN 1: Graphics ready, camera two.

Watch your step.

MAN 2: Check one, two.

WOMAN: Please turn off all cell phones and pagers.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats, please.

Tom Dobbs will speak to you before the show.

WOMAN: Bring that light down to camera level, please.

MENKEN: This story might fall under the heading of "One Thing Leads to Another."

It started on August 20th.

At 7:00 p.m., Tom Dobbs,

who had a successful cable show featuring political comedy,

was talking to the audience during the warm-up routine

prior to the taping of his show.

DOBBS: Thanks for coming here today. This isn't the actual show.

If you noticed, the cameras are pointing at nothing

and some critics have said that, too. But I'm just here to kind of talk to you,

warm up the audience, a little bit of foreplay.

Sorry.

I'll back up now just for harassment reasons.

You know, the government said recently... Well, a lot of people said

that we're cutting back spending. We're cutting back spending,

but NASA actually spent $28 million

to develop a fountain pen that would write upside down in space in zero gravity.

The Russians solved the same problem with five-cent pencil.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Very easy. Writes upside down, zero gravity.

After two cases of vodka, still writing.

If you have the GPS, be very careful.

I bought a Mercedes recently.

It had the talking GPS. It said, "Up ahead, take a right."

I opened the door. The car went, "Are you Jewish?"

But soon, all of your appliances will talk to each other.

You'll get on the scale, and the scale will go, "I've talked to the microwave."

But I notice many of you with your little cell phones.

Soon they'll get so small, you'll be putting them in...

You won't see them. They'll just be inside you.

Hold on, I've got a call. "Hello."

"No, no, I'll make it louder. Hold on."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm taking a picture."

"Oh, wait, wait, wait, I got mail."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It was during a Q and A that a woman made a statement.

Yes, yes, ma'am? Hi.

I feel so frustrated with the political system,

and I hear my friends say the same thing all the time.

Maybe you should run for President.

(CHEERING)

(CHUCKLING)

The comment was quickly forgotten

and minutes later the show got under way.

Senator, I'm picking up that the general public is pretty frustrated

with the polarization of the parties and lack of accountability.

I mean, it's crazy.

A woman in the audience tonight said I should run for President.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

Maybe I should.

Within three hours,

there were four million e-mails endorsing Dobbs for President.

Over the course of the next week, Tom Dobbs mentioned this four more times.

The Internet was on fire. Over eight million e-mails.

It was a grassroots movement,

fueled by the power of the Internet and the cult of personality.

WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for your patience.

We have a great show for you tonight, so without any further ado, let me...

MENKEN: On September 2nd, something very, very unusual happens.

Tomorrow, I will officially announce

my candidacy for President of the United States.

(CHEERING)

Did you write that?

Where's the punch line?

Maybe it was sheer vanity, maybe it was a political stunt,

or maybe it was because Tom believed his audience demanded it. Who knows?

As Tom Dobbs' manager, I was as shocked as everyone around me,

and I wasn't exactly pleased.

Does this mean I'm out of a job?

Shortly thereafter,

Tom Dobbs was on the ballot in 13 states.

That was part one

of the unusual progression of events.

On the West Coast, the second domino toppled over.

NARRATOR ON TV: Voter confusion, endless recounts,

unreliable results.

Democracy held hostage.

In today's America, technology empowers the public in nearly everything they do.

And now, voting with confidence.

Introducing the Delacroy Voting System.

Congress decided that Delacroy Systems

would have the national franchise for computerized voting

in the coming presidential election.

In hindsight, not one of their better decisions.

For ease of voting, speed and accuracy of vote.

It eliminates long lines and confusion at the polls.

MENKEN: It was a major coup for this Silicon Valley-based company.

When the dubbed versions come in, I need to see the contracts.

NARRATOR: Delacroy.

MENKEN: As CEO of Delacroy, James Hemmings,

lovingly watched his stock rise,

in the bowels of the building, something else was about to take place.

I just got the ballot from San Mateo so I thought I'd run my own little election.

You know, with all the referendums, propositions and amendments,

and just add the candidates' names. Why?

Well, we've never run a configuration like this ballot,

so I thought I'd give it a test drive.

Oh, God. I think I burned my lip.

It's like democracy on the head of a microchip, isn't it?

Yes, but no matter how you slice it, it's what you're voting for,

and not how easy it is to vote.

MENKEN: Whether she was being diligent in her work,

whether she was obsessive-compulsive

or whether she really didn't have a personal life, who knows?

But late that night, she found something that seemed very wrong.

Mills, I voted for you three times as much as I voted for President Kellogg.

Why did the President win?

Like a good, dedicated employee, she sent an e-mail to CEO James Hemmings.

She wrote that something was wrong.

She used phrases like "a glitch in the system,"

"compatibility problem," things like that.

Hemmings read the e-mail

and reacted as a CEO whose stock fortune was wrapped up in his newest enterprise.

If there really was a problem, it was too late to correct it,

so he ignored the memo,

and hoped the problem would go away.

DOBBS: I've read a lot of op-ed pieces recently,

and they've said that Tom Dobbs doesn't talk about the issues.

All right, I will address the issue,

and the issue revolves around representation.

The people of America are not being represented.

Our political leaders are too indebted to special interest groups and party politics.

This country was founded on the principle

of government of the people, by the people, for the people.

We are the wealthiest nation in the history of the world.

We are the most powerful nation on this planet.

And yet, we can't educate our own children.

DOBBS: Felt that went pretty well.

Lincoln got more laughs at the Gettysburg Address.

Don't start with this.

Everybody Loves Raymond is doing huge numbers in re-runs.

Comedy. Comedy sells. Can we remember that?

DOBBS: I don't want to get into this.

I don't care what you say, but say it with some humor.

These crowds expect it.

You keep giving speech after speech. Nothing's funny.

They'll get funny when I'm back on the show after the hiatus.

It's too dry.

Oh, come on. I came on the campaign to talk about issues.

There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.

Remember the motto, "It's no joke"? It's no joke.

Tom, can't you do just two jokes of mine?

Make me feel wanted.

MENKEN: You're a comedian who talks about politics.

So when you talk about politics without the comedy,

it's like wanting to get laid and forgetting to bring along the woman.

You'll quickly discover something is missing.

Well, I believe we should have politicians who represent us,

and not special interest groups.

Whenever they want to distract you, they use weapons of mass distraction.

They bring up a constitutional amendment

to ban burning of the flag.

By spending even one moment in Congress talking about that,

you're denying these other things, education, environmental issues.

So what I'm here to talk tonight is about political commercials.

That's where most of the money goes in any political campaign.

Politicians have to spend so much money just to buy TV time.

This is where the special interest groups start.

When you have a political campaign that costs $200 million,

you owe someone something somewhere down the line.

That's why I refuse to run television commercials.

MENKEN: Just be entertaining. Look at it this way.

Who would you rather have dinner with?

Richard Pryor in his prime or Kofi Annan, the head of the UN?

Tell me which dinner is going to be more interesting.

If there's no candles, Richard.

But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?

"What? Coffee? Kofi. Kofi, coffee?"

* We live in a political world

* Love don't have any place

* We're living in times where men commit crimes

* And crime don't have a face *

He's in the debate?

He's in the debate!

Hey, Dobbs is going to be in the debate!

They're gonna let him participate in the debate.

Have we struck gold or what?

Oh, my God. We're gonna have to start writing.

Yeah, I mean, we can write it, but is he gonna do any of it?

Praise the Internet!

Sixteen million emails spoke loud and clear!

(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

(WHOOPING)

No!

CHAIRMAN OF EDC ON TV: The following is a quote from our debate advisory standards.

"All candidates who demonstrate seriousness of purpose

"and significant support going into the final 30 days of an election

"should be included in debates." Unquote.

Yes!

Well, I fully agree Uh-oh.

with the Debate Committee's inclusion of Tom Dobbs.

He's by far the strongest of the Independents,

and I'm very much looking forward to the debate.

Now, I'm more than confident of my decisions, my positions,

and my strong relationship with the voting public.

And my hair.

Well, I think the first thing you gotta do is say you have unconfirmed information

that the other candidates have had sex with farm animals.

It goes back to the Johnson thing.

President Johnson. DOBBS: Oh, President.

Johnson said he wanted to accuse his opponents

of having sex with animals, okay?

One of his staffers said, "How can you prove that?"

And he said, "I can't, but I want to hear them deny it."

Seriousness of purpose.

The debate is gonna be a night full of pomposity.

The air is gonna be full of bullshit.

They're gonna be thanking everyone, do all those niceties.

They'll thank their wives, children,

all who have been supportive of their campaigns.

Yeah, this is our night to shine, Tom. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall,

but shows up and plays the violin.

It's not what they go to see.

How many analogies do you have left?

How many does it take to make my point?

I didn't mean to yell.

You gotta cut loose. In this debate, get your show attitude in there.

Yeah, but may I reiterate?

They got me in because of my seriousness of purpose.

They saw that, and that's why we're in this debate.

Serious talk puts us to sleep.

You want to talk about a serious issue nowadays,

people tune out.

Wait a second. Do you think anybody remembers the issues?

When there's a debate, do you think...

When was the last time any human being, any American, watched the debate and went,

"Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?"

"I believe he talked about fiscal policy." "Oh, my God,

"my eyes are open and I hear again!" Yeah, you're right.

All they remember is Nixon sweating like Elizabeth Taylor

after a Mexican meal.

That's not good.

I'm begging you, please. I'm like a man without water.

Please, an acerbic comment, would it kill you? Just for me.

More and more people are watching your show, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher for news.

News from comedians. How crazy is that?

Let's move on, okay?

Alison, Jenny, your thoughts?

Well, I hope this doesn't sound silly, but you know,

the other two candidates are family men. Okay?

And Tom, with all due respect,

how are you gonna come off as family-friendly?

Well, I can hold my mother's ashes.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, well, I know, we'll lose a certain amount of people there.

But Chicago, the dead vote there, come on.

She's right, though, Tom. I mean, as soon as the program starts,

and we see the other candidates' wives with their little red suits, you know.

You mean, I have to get married before the debate?

What do you mean? Campaign during the day, date at night.

It's like some weird reality show.

Actually, it's not a bad idea, really. It's part West Win part Bachelor.

Hey, that's not bad, you know? "And here's our first contestant.

"Your name, please?"

"Yes, my name is Rachel Tensions." "Yes indeed, there."

"Contestant number two, your name?" "My name is Miss Sogyny."

"Yes, I thought he was really hot,

"but then, when I found out about

his radical environmental policy I went, "Uh-uh.

"I like a dirty environment, if you know what I mean.

"I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wetlands and drill.

"Deep drill, you know what I'm saying?

"Get down in the mud and take it home, daddy. That's all."

It's a piece of shit idea that could work.

Yeah, but you're running. DOBBS: I'm running.

You're running because... You're running because the people wanted you to run.

Okay, and why do you think they wanted you to run?

To listen to you talk about issues? Are you kidding me?

I can barely listen to you talk about issues, okay?

Have I not said this a hundred times?

Listen, we're going to Chicago. I'm doing the same thing I've been doing.

That's how I got here.

I want to keep doing it, because I sense that'll work.

* Thrown like a star in my vast sleep

* I open my eyes to take a peep

* To find that I was by the sea

* Gazing with tranquility

You gotta go to makeup, Tom. Makeup.

Menken.

* Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man

* Came singing songs of love

* Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang

* Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang

* Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy... *

LANGSTON: Look at this.

It's like the circus. This is nuts.

When I was a kid, I was in the circus.

No. Yes.

I used to shave elephants.

You started in the tent. You're back in the tent.

I'm not kidding. They grow these big beards.

In the wild, they rub it on trees.

In the circus, you have to... You shave them with a blowtorch.

One of those pump things like gasoline, you throw it all over their face.

You know what I'm saying?

You gonna have coffee?

Because I need it to stay awake. Do you have any green tea?

How long have you been smoking?

Since I was seven.

Since you were seven.

My father was a big smoker.

While President Kellogg and Senator Mills have spent approximately

$195 million apiece on the campaign for media advertising,

Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent.

He refuses to spend money on media, saying, "Candidates are not products."

All right, here's the very latest now. Dobbs is running at about 17%

in the 13 states where he's on the ballot.

You want a beer or soda? DANNY: Soda, please.

...compared to a network show,

he certainly has been extremely influential in some smaller circles.

We got some clips. Are they ready in there?

I TiVo all his shows.

Okay, here's some excerpts from his show.

Swedish car maker Volvo has announced that they are replacing air bags

in their new sedans with breast implants.

The number of rear-end collisions has increased 95% in Sweden,

and a lot of guys just like to bump the car and see what happens.

Also, Pope Benedict has finally mechanized the Swiss Guard,

and said, "It's my choice.

"I do it for the Church and for the fatherland."

You know, it's strange, I didn't mention this at the time

when he was chosen Pope.

I was always hoping in my own heart for a Brazilian Pope, Pope Raul.

Just so you could have the nuns in the thong and the feathers.

(IMITATING SAMBA MUSIC)

I was really thinking that would bring a lot of people back to the Church.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

You know, you've got really great skin. Oh, thank you.

Little bit of a tan. Thanks. I went to a tanning salon.

I wanted to look like a Kennedy, but I think they set it on George Hamilton.

George Hamilton. Doesn't he have a grill? No, that's George Foreman.

You want to get married? I need a wife before the debate.

Interested? I don't know, Mr. Dobbs.

We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Nothing too ostentatious.

Little helicopter pad in the back,

couple of thousand phone lines, staff of 60, come on.

Are you nervous?

Why else would I propose to a woman I never met before?

But you have your own TV show.

Yeah, but on the show I get to ask the questions.

You got two minutes, Tom.

(DEBATE SHOW THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Here we go.

Good evening, and welcome to this last presidential debate

between the major candidates for President of the United States.

The candidates are the Democratic nominee, President Kellogg,

the Republican nominee, Senator Mills,

and for the first time, included in tonight's debate,

the Independent, Tom Dobbs.

My name is Faith Daniels

and I'll be the moderator for tonight's 90-minute debate.

MENKEN: Cute.

Cleavage. Is that legal? Very cute.

Now, the format has been agreed to by representatives of both

the Republican and the Democratic campaigns.

There is no subject matter that's restricted.

As always, each candidate will have up to two minutes

to make a closing statement.

The order of those, as well as the formal questioning tonight,

were decided in advance by drawing.

Gentlemen, again, good evening and welcome. Let's begin.

Mr. Dobbs,

how would you explain your decision to run for President of the United States?

I decided to run because I'm fed up with party politics.

I'm tired of the Republican Party. I'm tired of the Democratic Party.

A little edgy. There's no real difference,

it's a Mr. Potato candidate.

Basically, you have a thing here where, here's the operative word, "Party."

Because behind closed doors, I think they just have a really good time.

And when you read some of the transcripts,

some of the things your Secretary of Defense says,

I think there must be an open bar somewhere.

Because the bottom line is they've lost track of what they're responsible for.

They're responsible to the people, not party loyalties,

and definitely not lobbyists.

That's why I want to run for President. Not punchy enough.

I never thought I'd be saying this tonight... Needs a little more flare.

...but you have one minute remaining on your time, Mr. Dobbs.

Can I get a refund?

DANIELS: We will continue.

Senator Mills, I'd like to ask you the same question.

Well, first of all, thank you, Faith,

and thank all of you who are responsible for having us here this evening.

I'd also like to thank my wife and children

who have been very supportive of my candidacy, have been very helpful.

This guy smiles so much

it's starting to upset me.

I would like to thank all of those of you who made this possible.

And if I may reiterate some of the comments of Senator Mills,

with respect to family, children, wives and immediate family,

and the enormous...

The important role that they play in our failure or success,

and, in my case, success,

my love to them, my love to all of you, who have...

What? He's talking about his wife and children.

Why is he running on? You know?

Who cares?

Thank you so much.

And that's why I have been

a very rigorous advocate of tough security measures.

President Kellogg and I think alike in this area.

I am in total agreement without equivocation

that security measures have got to remain tough.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

Mr. Dobbs, what would your position be on national security?

All right, come on. MENKEN: Go on, Tom, go for it.

Do it. DOBBS: I believe that

some of these measures are already tough.

If you've ever been through passport control,

you stand in line with thousands of people.

Eventually, you get to an immigration officer who's behind bulletproof glass.

He takes your passport, looks at your passport picture,

looks back at you, looks at your passport pictures, says,

"Why did you have your hair cut?" "I don't know. I felt good about myself."

The next thing he does is, they have a video camera that takes a picture of you,

then it compares it to a previous picture of you.

They're very tough about that. They're very skeptical.

He's gotta make his move. More oomph.

Meanwhile, at the southern borders of our country,

four million illegal aliens are crossing the border

with bedroom sets and night tables.

Hit them again.

And we're trying to re-enter the country legally

and they're asking you tough questions like,

"Where have you been? Why were you there?"

And you start to doubt yourself, like, "I forgot why I was there.

"I guess it was pleasure. I guess it was pleasure.

"Yeah, it felt... It was a vacation.

"I'm sorry, I took a vacation. I don't know why."

And then...

(APPLAUSE)

And then the next thing you know,

they're patting down an 85-year-old lady in a walker.

Listen, if there's an 85-year-old lady in a walker, and she's a terrorist,

basically, game's over, folks.

And when they start to put on that rubber glove,

and look at me, I'm going, "Okay,

"maybe we should have dinner first before we do this."

You know, I'm saying, let's have real security,

and not just the illusion of security and be distracted by it.

That's all I'm saying. Oh! Yeah.

I fully support hydrogen cars.

DOBBS: That's weird, 'cause you're backed by oil companies.

DANIELS: You'll have your turn, Mr. Dobbs. DOBBS: Sorry.

As I was saying, some of my colleagues and I in the Senate

have come up with a very interesting strategy to deal with...

But if you're in bed with oil companies,

how can you be talking about fuel efficiencies?

I mean, that's like being a kosher pig farmer.

He's getting angry.

This is not your talk show, Mr. Dobbs.

And you're not on your private plane flying to that golf vacation you took

with the three heads of the major oil corporations. How'd you get there?

Your hydrogen car? It's like something I never saw before.

DANIELS: Mr. Dobbs, you have to return to your podium.

Or did you fly in that lovely helium plane?

Oh, no, that's a blimp. I'm sorry. No smoking in the hydrogen.

Boom! Hindenburg. Okay. Mr. Dobbs, please.

Of course, he's for hydrogen. It's gonna take 30 years to develop,

and meanwhile we still haven't got any more fuel efficiency.

We're not exploring alternative fuels like methane.

I know it's hard to do, holding that chicken over the gas tank, but you know.

Or ethanol, which is basically fuel alcohol. DANIELS: Mr. Dobbs.

It's grain alcohol. You can say, if I get stopped by the police,

"My car's been drinking, not me, baby."

Or maybe helium, because if you have a helium car...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

If you have a helium car, you get rear-ended, next thing you know,

(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) "Hey, something's wrong."

DANIELS: Mr. Dobbs, you have got to return to your podium.

KELLOGG: Miss Daniels, some order, please.

We have...

DOBBS: Yes, some order. Yes. You talk about responsibility. What about you?

Your Treasury Department lost $28 million.

They can't account for it. DANIELS: We have agreed upon...

Return to your podium. And they claim accountability.

Tell me, tell me that you are not receiving major campaign finance contributions

from the oil companies, that you... Boom!

I don't take kindly to the fact that you're calling me a liar, Mr. Dobbs.

I'm basically saying, if this is a debate, you should answer questions honestly.

You should be accountable for who you are.

The voter should know basically what you represent.

And if you're representing special interest groups,

maybe we should be like NASCAR.

You know, we'd be in the Senate with our suits on,

and basically, they should know if you're backed by something,

it'd be like the little patches like they wear in NASCAR.

It can say, you know, "Vioxx, the backaches end, the heart attacks begin."

And we'll put the big one on the back. "Enron. We take your money and run."

Smackdown!

Accountability. It's all about accountability.

DANIELS: We have a format here that we agreed upon.

$100 million, the government bought in airplane tickets.

Oh, for God's sakes. We got some real trouble here.

...and yet they're refundable.

Stand by on three, take three. ...and they didn't ask for the refund.

Faith, can you... Faith, can you hear me? And the airlines are...

Yes, can you get control of this, please? Get control of this!

Don't you see? We deal in weapons of mass distraction.

They push your buttons. That's how they do it.

He's talking about hydrogen fuel.

They'll say, "He wants an amendment to the Constitution on flag burning."

It's an emotional issue.

They're talking about the desecration of the flag,

but if you go on-line right now, you can buy flag underwear.

Wow.

You could see an old lady, basically, wearing a flag thong, and go,

"Oh, Grandma, don't tell me where Old Glory is."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's all about distractions.

KELLOGG: Mr. Dobbs. DANIELS: Mr. Dobbs.

Mr. Kellogg wants to pass an amendment...

Mr. Dobbs, you're totally out of line.

...against same-sex marriage.

Anybody who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex.

Mr. Dobbs! They don't know what to do with him.

DOBBS: What's up with that? Mr. Dobbs, please.

It's a distraction. They point over here. They point over there.

They want you not to know.

You don't have to have an amendment to the Constitution on burning the flag.

Make it out of asbestos. No one will want to touch the thing.

Let someone else speak, Mr. Dobbs.

DANIELS: Mr. Dobbs, please do not make a mockery of this process.

Ma'am, it's been a mockery a long time... Return to your podium.

...before I came here, Faith. Mr. Dobbs!

(LOUD APPLAUSE)

Now we got applause. This is wonderful.

That's it, we're out of control here. We're absolutely out of control.

$200 billion! You can buy a few books!

Mr. Dobbs!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

NEWS ANCHOR: It's hard to say how voters are gonna react to Tom Dobbs.

Either he's a hot dog or the genuine article.

He did make some issues come home to people,

and if he could actually follow through, he may have scored some points tonight.

That's a good point, Cathleen, but you know what?

This wasn't just funny in the abstract.

It was very pointed, and it was very to the point.

He was making political points with his comedy,

and I thought it was incredible entertainment.

How good the politics is, we're gonna have to wait and see.

It's gonna be difficult to assess

how the American public is going to respond

to the level of undisciplined behavior Tom Dobbs exhibited.

God, I'm feeling good. In fact, I'm almost euphoric.

Excuse me. Can you go see Tom right away? He thinks he screwed up.

Yeah, I'm euphoric. He thinks he screwed up.

MENKEN: Who gives a shit what talking heads think?

Different is good.

When I first saw you I liked you because you were different. New, yeah.

You talked too fast, couldn't understand you half the time,

but you were fresh.

These politicians today look like they're borrowed from the wax museum.

They're already in their suits, waiting to be buried.

You want to be like them? A waste of time. You want to be different.

All bets are off.

You're a good candidate, Tom, as loony as that seems.

But... What?

You could b e an even better one.

Are you all right?

What's wrong? I'm just a little short of breath.

(SIREN WAILING)

Let's get you to the hospital.

It's his emphysema.

The doctors say he has a problem

with the enlargement of his heart, but he's stable.

There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease.

Or am I just making that up?

This'll be the first time I'll be in front of an audience without him.

You do what you did tonight and things could get really interesting.

(CHUCKLES)

The old bastard's right. Look at that.

You got to be different to make an impression. I'm shaking it up there.

Forget trying to be presidential.

You end up looking like them, another stiff in a suit.

I got to play my game.

They thought I was wild in the debate?

Watch me the next two weeks.

I'm back.

MAN: Mr. Dobbs, how do you answer the allegations from the Mills camp

that you were arrested for smoking marijuana?

I definitely was. Yes, I did inhale, because I thought,

"What the hell? It's lit, it's in my hand, I'll inhale it."

You're not denying these charges?

Not at all. I was 25. I was stoned.

At that point, I was pretty much on everything but skates.

Sir, do you think it'll affect the campaign at all?

Not really. You want to know my history, basically?

When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures of naked ladies.

Hence, my right hand is very strong.

I touched myself more than the third-base coach.

Seventeen years old, I beat up a guy.

When I was 21, I went to a prostitute.

I was so bad, she actually gave me a refund.

I once had a blind date that I left in the theater,

and I felt so bad about it, I married her.

That's my ex-wife, who I am not on good terms with.

I just farted a little while back there, if any of you wanted to ask.

And if you find any other nonsense

you'd like to talk about, I'll be glad to discuss it.

I'm at full disclosure.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for the campaign.

It's gonna be a whole new ballgame, so brace yourselves, people.

DOBBS: Are you tired of the Democratic Party?

CROWD: Yeah!

Are you tired of the Republican Party?

Yeah!

Are you tired of a Congress that does nothing?

Are you tired of having twice as many lobbyists

as they've ever had before?

Then I... I have an idea.

Don't vote for the congressmen or the senators.

You don't have to vote, because you know how we're gonna pick them?

CROWD: No!

The same way we pick a jury.

And you'll get a more interesting cross-section

than the folks you got right now,

I guarantee you.

Do you want a better health-care system?

You have an HMO that basically says,

"We'll give you Viagra, but we won't pay for glasses."

So you can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it.

We're gonna change it, aren't we? Yeah!

Yeah! Now, we're not just talking liberal or conservative.

Big-time change.

You know, recently, a lot of the past administrations

said it's unpatriotic to question the government.

You know, if it was unpatriotic to question the government,

we'd still be English.

The Boston Tea Party. The Boston Tea Party wasn't people going, "Oh, hello."

It was a lot of guys in Boston going, "Here's your tea, right here!"

I'm tired of the Democratic Party. I'm tired of the Republican Party.

This is what we're talking about. Freedom of speech.

And it also comes down to the idea of freedom of religion,

the idea of practicing any religion you want, anytime, anywhere.

You could be anything. You could be Bewish.

You could be Jewish and Buddhist.

You sit and you wait for things to go on sale. That's okay.

But that's what we're talking about, the freedom of religion.

But occasionally religion crosses over.

You have people saying, "Intelligent design. You must teach intelligent design."

Look at the human body.

Is that intelligent? I find it more interesting.

You have a waste-processing plant next to a recreation area.

They always attack environmentalists, saying, "You're a tree-hugger."

I go, "No, I've done more than hug a tree.

"If you find the right naughty pine, you're gonna have a good night."

Oh, yeah, who's your woodsman? Who's your woodsman?

I'm not just a tree-hugger, I'm an air-breather. I'm sorry.

It's bad enough for the squirrel that's outside going, "Please, help me.

"I can't breathe today."

If you put enough chemicals in the water, eventually you'll be fishing, going,

"You know, Bob, I love catching them two-headed bass.

"They're good eating, once you get past the tumors.

"There's some good eating out there."

Tired of the Democratic Party. Now I'm tired of the Republican Party, now.

But that's why you're here, because you want change!

Yeah! You want to shake it up. You have to be eyes-wide-open,

ready to move on.

On and on, hand in hand,

everybody together, moving forward, because the future is now.

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

(WHOOPS)

WOMAN: Tom, you're the greatest! Thank you.

You sure you don't want one of us to drive? It's eight hours back to Chicago.

No, I just want to be alone for eight hours with my Barry White tapes.

Tom, the doctors say that Jack's still pretty weak,

so he could actually doze off before all the results are in.

What's new? He used to do that during my act.

Hey, pick up a couple of cartons of cigarettes for Menken.

They're cheaper on the road. You're so thoughtful.

It's my middle name. Compassion.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

WOMAN ON RADIO: The exit polls are very close.

Kellogg and Mills are running about even,

with Dobbs at around 17% of the vote.

As you can see, President Kellogg is winning by a small margin

over Senator Mills in Rhode Island,

as well as in Connecticut and Massachusetts.

But in all three states, the numbers are very close.

You see these numbers?

The computer glitch. It's happening the same way.

It looks as if Delaware now is going to President Kellogg by a very close margin.

What do you mean, it's not computing right?

It's not. Something's wrong.

MAN ON RADIO: Here's an unusual turn of events in Virginia.

With now 87% of the vote in,

comedian Tom Dobbs is leading.

That's going to surprise more than a few of the experts,

but Dobbs' numbers have been increasing since the last debate.

Most of the polls had him with 10 to 11%.

So if this vote holds true in Virginia,

Dobbs is going to surprise a lot of people.

Yeah!

Ding-dong. Are you ready for your pina colonic?

What the hell are you doing here?

I just thought I'd spend the evening with someone who gets on my nerves.

How about Virginia?

Virginia's okay, but Debbie, such a slut.

A little intensive care package here.

Red wine. A good month.

Yes.

Hey, a little cheese and pate, always good after a heart attack.

Sit.

MATTHEWS ON TV: ...because comedian Tom Dobbs

has won New Jersey as well as Virginia,

a blue and a red state,

which indicates that his message cuts across political lines.

It's gonna be interesting.

You're not gonna win this election,

but at least you didn't go gently into the good night.

By the way, from all the signs tonight,

that Delacroy Voting System has worked extremely well.

We're not hearing anything about long lines at the booths or other snafus.

It seems this has probably straightened out some of those voting problems of the past.

* John the Revelator Put him in an elevator

* Take him up to the highest high

* Take him up to the top where the mountains stop

* Let him tell his book of lies

* John the Revelator He's a smooth operator

* It's time we cut him down to size *

Excuse me. Hey, Eleanor.

Have you looked at these numbers? Yeah. Yep.

I e-mailed you. I told you I thought there was something wrong with the system.

I was told that the glitch was just limited to my computer.

Yeah.

What? Are you calling me a liar?

No. All I'm saying is that these numbers, these results,

this is what I mentioned to you in my e-mail.

Why did you decide to test the system?

Well, I don't know.

Why did you need to run a test at such a high count?

I don't know.

What did you expect to find?

If you found a system error, how were you going to fix it?

I'm not sure.

Well, look into your soul and ask yourself this question.

Why would you test the computer to such limits

with so few days left to fix a problem, if you found a problem?

I was just double-checking.

Do you want to destroy this company?

'Cause that's what you very well may do.

You understand the ramifications.

Do you want to put over a thousand employees out of work?

Do you?

But the election will be a fraud.

Here. Here it is in the sensible light of day. The people are voting.

There is an election. The democratic process has worked.

The only sour note?

They won't end up with the person that they voted for

to be the President of the United States.

But we can celebrate the process.

The democratic process which we hold so dear

will have worked efficiently, effectively.

Everybody's ultimately gonna be satisfied unless somebody discloses

indiscriminately, willy-nilly,

in which case, it'll appear that democracy is in the shithouse

and by tomorrow evening Delacroy will be non-existent.

Now, was that your motive? No.

America votes. A leader is chosen.

But one thing could disturb this beatific vision.

I just want to be truthful.

Perception of legitimacy is more important than legitimacy itself.

That's the greater truth.

Don't fuck with our democracy. Don't undermine our way of life.

You want to know what's at the heart and soul of every American?

They believe that their vote counts.

And now you want to tell them that that's not true?

But... But what?

But the results of the election will be wrong.

One candidate will win because of computer error.

He will? How do we know that? Yes. I'm telling you!

Based on what? Guessing. Listen, this is your project, Eleanor.

If you want to tinker with it for future elections,

it's not only your prerogative, I encourage you.

The Delacroy Voting System is your baby.

You're a perfectionist. Bless your heart. I support you 100%.

You want to make it more perfect.

But do it alone, and with an eye to the future,

because it is the future that interests us. Now is the past.

As I understand it, there's no problem.

And?

And.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHATTERING)

I tell you, they seem to like this guy Dobbs.

Oh, Danny, please.

What are you saying? This is all part of the same computer error?

Yes.

I'm going home.

Well, I don't know if she's enrolled in the program, I'll tell you that.

What does my legal counsel suggest, then?

I'll go make a phone call.

MATTHEWS: There was some research done about a year ago, I think,

saying that more and more people are getting their political news

from Leno, Letterman, Jon Stewart, Tom Dobbs, and Bill Maher,

more than they do from newspapers and actual news programs.

There you go. My thoughts exactly.

Maybe this is an extension of that trend.

You're kidding me. Come on.

It should be on the news any minute.

It looks like we're gonna take North Carolina.

What? Oh, and Indiana? You sure?

Oh, this is so insane. Insanity, it's sweet insanity!

And Indiana goes to Dobbs.

(CHEERING)

MATTHEWS: It's just been confirmed that comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona.

WOMAN ON TV: If I'm correct,

comedian Tom Dobbs has won every state where he's been on the ballot.

Comedian Tom Dobbs wins the Sunshine State.

So New York wants a comedian as President of the United States.

Comedian Tom Dobbs has been declared the winner...

With 99% of the vote in, comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas.

The funny man has conquered the Lone Star State.

You know, according to my calculations down here,

comedian Tom Dobbs has got 146 electoral votes.

Right now he's got them.

And there are five more states to be counted where he's on the ballot,

out of the 13 to be counted.

And it's possible, if he takes all five states,

that could put Dobbs over the top of the 270 needed.

I believe I've got my figures correct, but it's a possibility.

Not a likely possibility, but it's a possibility.

This is the happiest night of my life, and I can't stay awake.

...have not been holding true. Our exit polls have only in some cases proven accurate.

Perhaps voters are keeping their voting choices close to the vest.

Now, Senator Mills has very strong numbers,

but not strong enough to beat President Kellogg.

In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills in every state

where they've been going one-on-one.

(CLICKS)

They are still confident of an election victory.

Tom Dobbs has been gaining momentum since the debate.

Now, right after the debate there was a mixed reaction,

but what we've seen since then is that the public apparently sees him

as a candidate for change. Oh, for God's sake. Where is it?

And he has been formidable, as we've seen in these numbers here tonight.

We are now going to go live back to Election Central,

where Chris Matthews is standing by. Chris?

Hold on to your hats, folks.

Tom Dobbs...

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

...275 electoral votes.

Comedian Tom Dobbs is the next President of the United States.

MATTHEWS: At 1:23 East Coast time,

comedian Tom Dobbs has been elected President of the United States.

The free world will now be led by a comedian.

Mr. President, Donald Tilson, Secret Service. I'll be taking over.

You don't find this a little bit absurd?

Thanks for your honesty.

Always been a big fan of your work, sir.

Jack, you're the manager of the President of the United States.

Comedy Store to the White House.

WOMAN ON TV: I think we've got to look into the issue of computer fraud.

I mean, we've had problems in other states, Florida, Ohio, elsewhere,

where it's not only questions of malfunction but also questions of legitimacy.

Are these computers hackable?

Everyone knows there isn't a paper trail.

It's not the way the Delacroy System is set up.

Congress knew that. And let's face it,

the reality is a comedian was elected President of the United States.

Case closed. End of discussion.

Have you given any thought to what the makeup of your Cabinet might be?

Well, I've looked at the IKEA catalog and didn't see anything I liked.

But I'm hoping for maybe a dark walnut with a nice veneer. That would be lovely.

What was your Vice President's response to this victory?

Well, shocked as the rest of us.

He said, "I guess I'll have to clear my calendar for the next four years."

Can we get back to questions of the Cabinet?

Certainly. My Cabinet will be diverse.

It will include both Republicans and Democrats

and people of no party affiliation.

I want diversity. I believe that democracy is about a collision of ideas.

I'm not of the school that if you're not for us, you're against us.

That being said, if I had my druthers, I'd love an all-lesbian Cabinet.

They might not accomplish more

but it'd be fun to think about what they're doing behind closed doors.

Thank you very much, everyone.

We're on our way to Washington and wish us good luck.

It's going to be an adventure and you're all part of it.

Hello!

Hey, Ellie. Sorry, I didn't see you there.

Well, maybe if you paid a little more attention instead of daydreaming.

Sorry, just give me a cappuccino, please. Sure.

Hey, Angus. Cappuccino here.

Can you see he's busy getting mine right now?

What? I was just giving him my order. It's not a big deal.

It's really not a big deal, Ellie.

Well, apparently it is 'cause, you know, this is taking forever. It's forever.

Hold your horses.

Hey, Angus, do you have any of those cookies I like?

What are they called?

Can you please just let me get my cappuccino?

Okay. I didn't realize you were such a bitch.

Anytime during this millennium would be terrific.

Thanks.

Cappuccino? Yes, thanks.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

ELEANOR: Shit.

Shit. Shit.

Eleanor, let me lend you a hand. Shit. I got it.

Just let me take care of it for you. I got it. I got it!

It's no problem. I got it! I got it.

Okay.

I got it. I got it. I got it. Who stole my purse?

Ellie. Ellie, it's right here.

Did you empty out my purse?

Did you touch my things? No.

You touched my things.

I can't believe you touched my things.

Ellie, I didn't touch your things. You touched my things.

What is wrong with you?

He went through my things!

Damn it!

I made a mess.

I've made a mess. I've made such a mess.

I've made such a mess, but it's my mess.

It's my mess, and I'm gonna clean it up. Okay.

I'm gonna clean. My mess.

It's my mess, and I'll clean it.

I'll clean it up. It's my mess.

It's my mess.

WOMAN: Ellie, do you want me to get some help?

My mess.

Can someone call 911?

We have a bit of a deadline.

In terms of appointments, there are roughly 7,000 to 8,000 slots to be filled,

1,500 of which will require Senate confirmation.

Seven to eight thousand? Do we know that many incompetent people?

Well, in LA, maybe.

Oh, and over 400 just for core White House staff.

Yeah. We have to announce 14 Cabinet Secretary positions or at the very least

begin to float some of your possible choices posthaste.

Just off the top of my head,

I was thinking Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State.

Joke.

A joke. Little one. Little joke.

Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, guys. I do care.

I hope this works.

It'll work.

I think.

Thank you. Sorry I'm late. My horse pulled up lame.

Thank you. Nice tie.

President-elect Tom Dobbs paid an impromptu visit to Congress

and literally brought down the House with laughter.

As word spread quickly, more and more members of Congress left their offices

to see Dobbs' costumed visit firsthand.

That reception you gave me was quite extraordinary

and I will try and be brief because I know Tuesday is bingo day in Congress.

It should be duly noted, Chairman, that this is not a scheduled visit.

It is not on the docket for today. It's not really official.

So no rules have been violated.

It's just our little secret between you, me and the world media.

I also have some disturbing news.

On the way in here, I took a brief poll,

and one-third of Congressmen and women

thought that this was still the present fashion.

The other third thought that I looked like former First Lady, Barbara Bush.

I'm looking at the toxology report here. It's overwhelming.

She's got Benzedrine, morphine, codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin.

DOBBS: Historians have written that our founding fathers

were brilliant and courageous men,

but they sometimes made difficult decisions,

sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation.

Now, what would they think about us 200 and some years from now?

What will they write about this Congress?

Will they say that you were brave and brilliant?

Courageous?

Will your legacy be as extraordinary as theirs?

We have a lot to live up to. I think we can do it.

I know we can do it.

You can't just say it didn't happen.

When have you ever known me to ever take any kind of drugs?

I'm even afraid of Nyquil.

I got a promotion.

They're sending me to Ireland.

Oh, Danny.

What?

They're just trying to pay you off.

They just don't want you talking about the computer problems.

I got to let people know the election's a fraud.

Do you think anybody's gonna believe you?

Sure. Why not?

Maybe because you flipped out and you're in a hospital

and you've been doing drugs?

I don't do drugs. Cocaine, Ellie?

I told you, I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I don't.

Who believes you? Who's gonna believe you?

There's been a few problems. Education, health care, inner cities,

infrastructure, environmental issues. That's what's before us.

He will.

I think our legacy will be...

AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn left.

ELEANOR: Okay.

Talk to me, baby. Talk to me.

Drive 0.4 miles, then turn left.

Okay.

FBI. FBI.

FBI.

FBI.

FBI.

MENKEN: I am now the manager of the President-elect of the United States

and 15% of the President's salary is nothing

compared to what Dobbs normally makes on a yearly basis.

This is a monetary sacrifice I'm willing to make

since I am now the first show-business manager ever to handle a President.

* The way you wear your hat

* The way you sip your tea

* The memory of all that

See why I'm making a living here.

Oh, I wish I could walk.

Oh, man.

Happy birthday, Mr. Menken.

I'm Eleanor Green, FBI.

Hi, Eleanor Green, FBI.

Everything all right?

Oh, just fine.

Just fine.

I'm just here just making sure everything's secure.

I probably shouldn't have introduced myself.

I'm sorry, that was out of place.

No, you have to.

Anyway, happy birthday again.

Again? Did another year just pass?

I taught Tom everything he knows about comedy.

Except how to be funny.

I can see that.

A put-down from the FBI.

No, I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to come out that way.

Oh, no, please. It's all right.

You know, he's only annoying when he's happy. It's an old Irish tradition.

You want to dance? I don't dance.

Oh, perfect.

MENKEN: They didn't teach you to dance at the FBI?

J. Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer.

Fat, but light on his feet.

Could we just talk and not move?

Sure.

So what do you do when you're not pretending to be an FBI agent?

It's that apparent? Yeah.

You're not concerned? Someone like me crashing the party?

Please. Listen, I've played in clubs for years.

Had to deal with drunks, hecklers and angry waitresses,

one of which is my ex-wife.

But you know, I have an eye for that kind of thing,

and you wouldn't be on my dangerous list.

Good.

That's good. Yeah.

Besides, Secret Service already flagged you, and I said you were okay.

Too fast? No, it's fine. No.

So, what do you really do?

Well, I did work for Delacroy Voting Systems.

But they had cutbacks. I was laid off.

Laid off? Wow, I thought they were making the big bucks. I mean, that's weird.

Well, it was a small cutback, actually. It was a very small cutback.

Actually, just me.

Oh, so, would "fired" be more appropriate than "cutback"?

Well, if you want to be picky... Oh, picky.

...with words, then yes, then I guess, fired.

Fired would be it.

May I ask why?

Oh, none of my business. It is.

Look, you're having such a good time. I don't want to spoil it. It's...

Excuse me. Tom, you have to do the birthday toast now.

Okay. I'll be right there. Yeah.

Listen, we're staffing up right now, and...

Staffing up? Yeah.

Oh, staffing up? No, that's not what I meant.

Okay. That's not why I'm here.

Oh, that's all right, but listen, this is my personal cell.

And you know, if you need anything, you call. Okay?

(CHEERING)

DOBBS: Yes!

Yeah! Yes, indeed!

To Jack Menken, a man who once said,

"If Mama Cass had shared a sandwich with Karen Carpenter,

"they both would be alive today."

I'm sorry.

This is a man who is so sensitive, someone once asked,

"What do you think of gay marriage?" And he said,

"I think gays have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us."

To Jack Menken, an incredible human being.

A great manager. A great manager.

Made you a star. Made you the President.

And by doing so, has put me out of work. Yes! God bless him.

God bless Jack Menken!

* Well, my heart knows me better than I know myself

* So I'm gonna let it do all the talking

* I came across a place in the middle of nowhere

* With a big black horse and a cherry tree

* Big black horse and a cherry tree

* I can't quite get there 'cause my heart's forsaken me

* Big black horse and a cherry tree

* I can't quite get there 'cause my heart's forsaken me *

(PHONE RINGING)

ELEANOR: Danny, hi.

Hey, where the hell are you?

Are you alone? This is your cell phone, right?

Yeah, why? What's going on?

Paranoid, I guess. I got a chance to meet him. Dobbs.

(DANNY SIGHS)

You didn't tell him, did you? I mean...

No, but he should know, don't you think?

Let it go. Just put it behind you, okay?

Nothing good can possibly come from revealing what happened.

Listen, is anyone trying to figure out what happened with the system?

I'm just curious.

I don't know. You know, I mean, it's not the sort of thing that I'd hear about.

I think they'd be going through their private channels for that sort of thing.

You know how that goes.

Ellie?

Good night, Danny.

WOMAN: James Hemmings' office.

ON PHONE: Yes, is Mr. Hemmings in? This is Tom Dobbs.

Just a minute.

Mmm-hmm?

ON INTERCOM: It's a Tom Dobbs.

Is that the Tom Dobbs, President-elect Dobbs?

Well, did you ask?

No, I was too embarrassed to.

All right.

James Hemmings.

James, Tom Dobbs, President-elect.

Yes, sir. Yeah, of course.

I know this is a little out of the ordinary,

but did you have an employee named Eleanor Green?

Yep.

Is something wrong? I need some information.

It's strictly confidential. Just between you and me.

Yeah, I mean, well, you know, where do I begin?

Well, I know that she was fired by Delacroy.

Look, I'm a little confused. Is she... Is she applying for a job with you?

No. Did you meet with her personally?

Yes. That's how I knew that she was a Delacroy employee

and that she was fired by your company.

Yeah, yeah. Did... Did she add to that?

Add what?

Did she mention that she had a very, very bad drug problem?

She had a breakdown here. She had to be hospitalized.

No, she didn't mention that.

HEMMINGS: Yeah, yeah, that's why I'm surprised she's there. She should be in drug rehab.

It's weird. She doesn't seem like the type.

You know how I might reach her? You know how I can reach her?

I guess we both have a problem in that area.

Yeah. Yeah.

Look, if I hear anything, I'll contact you.

Delacroy Systems has completed a deal with the European Common Market,

which will invest in their successful computer voting system.

With this announcement, Delacroy stock has jumped 37% on the big board.

WOMAN ON TV: Come on!

"S."

HOST: Yeah, there are two of them. All right.

$900. MAN ON TV: "N."

Yeah, two "N's." That'll get you on the board with $1,800.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

$800. WOMAN: "L."

Yeah, there are two of them. You have almost $3,000 now.

I'd like to buy a vowel. Yeah.

I'd like to buy an "I." Well, there are two "I's."

This would be a good time to find a letter.

"M."

Or three. Yes.

Double "G's" before double "L's."

Double "B's" before double "G's."

Yes! Yes!

Double "G's" before double "L's."

Double "B's" before double "G's".

It's alphabetical.

It's alphabetical.

Okay, you mean to tell me that we didn't shut down her access when we let her go?

Evidently not. That's smart.

Her ID's showing up on the access logs.

She's been in the mainframe and poking around the code depository.

Do we know where she is?

Not yet, but we will.

DE NIRO ON TV: What's the matter?

You know what's the matter. I'm unhappy.

You're unhappy about what?

What do you think I'm unhappy about?

You agreed to play the turkey. I never agreed.

You know, it's not a big deal. All you do is cluck, cluck, cluck...

First of all, we don't cluck, we gobble, okay?

And if it's not such a big deal, why don't you be the turkey?

You want me to be the turkey? Yeah, come on.

You want me to be the turkey? Yeah.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARING) (CELL PHONE RINGING)

ON PHONE: Tom here. ELEANOR: Hi.

Eleanor, is that you? Yes.

How do you turn the music down?

We're having a little post-Thanksgiving outing.

Can I pick you up?

An outing?

No, I had something I had to tell you.

Good, good. Give me an address.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES BLARING)

Eleanor! We're going paintballing.

I brought you some camouflage and thermals

because it's gonna be cold up there.

Follow me, men.

What? Cold.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES)

(YELLS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Damn, I can't believe it.

Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh, God.

DOBBS: You all right?

I'm out. Well, thank God.

I'm out of ammo!

The President-elect's just been shot. He's dead. Let's go round them up.

What a pleasant way to spend the day, huh? Killing your friends.

That's all the exercise I'm ever gonna need.

Did that hurt? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Hey, Tom, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

We have to walk away from those with listening devices.

Do they have listening devices?

No, they can't hear you. Well, they hear each other, but not us.

Okay. Yeah.

Because I haven't been...

I haven't been forthright with you about certain things. Maybe forthright...

God. Forthright isn't

the word I'm looking for.

Maybe I haven't disclosed enough and that really isn't easy for me especially,

now that I know you on, I mean, not...

Okay, I don't know you. I mean, I know you...

No, I know you because you're Tom Dobbs. I know you,

but I don't really know you and...

Well, you know, you got a lot of setup here. All right, you don't need that much.

You know, it's too much of a lead-in, just the punch line.

You're going to be President of the United States.

Yeah.

Maybe that's not so bad. I hope.

Yeah.

Oh, God. I worked at Delacroy. And I worked so hard.

Yeah. And I cared. I cared so much.

And I am so full of guilt. I can make this a lot easier for you.

What do you mean? How?

Well, I called Hemming at Delacroy.

What? Yeah.

Well, you know, I wanted to find you, and I remember

you said you worked at Delacroy, and I wanted to see you.

You did?

You wanted to see me? Yeah.

Wow.

God. That's good.

Yeah, good, not so good, you know? No, it's good.

Well, he told me about your drug problem, and... Yeah.

Oh, no. No.

No, no, no. I don't have a drug problem. Whatever. It's all right.

I do not have a drug problem. It's okay, it doesn't bother me.

Hey Tom, I hate to interrupt,

but the Secret Service wants you out of here by dark.

By the way, drug dealers have this place booked until dawn.

I didn't tell him. He's just making a joke.

We'll talk about it later. Honestly. It's okay.

There is no drug problem.

That's all I need to know. I don't think you have it...

There's a lot to discuss here. Yeah, I think, well, whatever...

I don't know. That just doesn't look clear to me.

What do you think? Like, another 30 minutes?

Yeah, maybe.

The wing is still... Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

We may have a problem here.

I like it crispy. I like a nice, crunchy skin.

I know, Menken, I know you do.

Just want to make myself heard. You've been heard.

I'm a producer. I've produced a lot of turkeys.

I know what I'm talking about. Yes, you have.

Look at this old C-SPAN. Congress is in session and no one's there.

Look, Harkin's speaking about an amendment to a budget bill.

The place is empty. How do you get people in their seats? That's crazy.

These people have things to do. Like?

Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with.

They've got trips that the lobbyists have sent them on.

Oh, right. They've got to go do TV shows

to explain to people what they're not doing while they're not there.

This makes golf look like porn.

Shouldn't you be giving that up?

Did you know there were once ads

that said four out of five doctors recommend this brand or that brand?

Come on, you're kidding me.

Doctors used to recommend cigarettes?

Said they were good for you.

There was one slogan, before my time, "Not a cough in the carload."

It's a little too late now.

I'm sorry.

(DOBBS WHISTLES QUIETLY)

You like our Tom Dobbs, do you?

Unfortunately, I do.

I see that.

(FRENCH SONG PLAYING)

(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

I have to talk to you in private.

Now? Yeah.

Okay.

Thanks.

You've got a great group.

Ellie, whatever your problem is...

What? You can fix my problem?

Is this the President-elect speaking or just Tom Dobbs, the comedian?

Just Tom Dobbs. Good.

Because Tom Dobbs is not the elected President of the United States.

There, I've said it. Kill me.

It's true.

There was a problem with the computer voting system. I tried to warn them.

And it's that error that's made you the next President of the United States.

I didn't win? Not even close.

Why are you telling me this? What do you want me to do?

I don't know. I just... I had to say it.

I've been living with this. And I just had to tell you.

You want to go public with this?

Well, I can't. I mean, I could, but I mean, nobody would believe me.

I mean, not anymore.

I mean, but somebody has to know. Somebody, at least you.

I mean, I don't know. You know... Look, I don't know.

Maybe it is best that you're the next President of the United States,

even if they didn't vote for you. I don't know.

Out of curiosity,

did you vote for me?

No. I don't vote.

I mean, to be honest with you, I don't vote.

I mean, politicians will say anything in the world to get elected.

I mean, maybe I'm just too jaded.

I mean, honestly, I didn't even think you had a chance.

I know it's ironic I'm talking like I'm concerned. I don't even vote.

I've got to talk this over with Menken. Come on, I want you with me. Come on.

No, I can't. Why not?

I can't. Come on.

Tom, I can't. Why?

I had to tell you. You do with it what you want.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

MENKEN: Something wrong?

You guys have a fight?

She knows a lot about computers, more than you ever want to know, really.

Should I be impressed?

It's kind of improbable, me winning the election.

Mark Twain once wrote, "The only difference between reality and fiction

"is that fiction needs to be credible."

We are, my friend, in uncharted waters.

She just told me I didn't win the election. Whoops.

Computer malfunction.

She knows this for sure?

Yeah.

She tried to warn the Delacroy Company

and they hid it. A little bad for business.

You don't believe her, do you? I do.

It's true.

I always thought the TV Nielsen ratings were full of shit, but this?

Hard to believe all those years that many people watched JAG.

I never met anybody who'd say, "Hey, did you see JAG last night?"

Don't believe her so quickly, Tom.

She knows what she's talking about.

That's debatable.

So what's she gonna do?

Nothing. She left it up to me.

Leaving it to you. Well, Delacroy is not gonna say anything.

She's not gonna say anything. So,

there's no problem. No problem?

We move on. Oh, like nothing happened?

Something like that.

You know, if you tell a joke and it stinks but you put a laugh track over it,

the joke still stinks.

I'm President, but not really.

This is where we are.

You want to throw it away or go for it?

I never told you which gigs to take. I only advised,

but to me, this decision is a slam dunk.

Yeah.

(PHONE RINGING)

ELEANOR: Tom?

Eleanor, tomorrow at 11:00 I'm going to have a press conference,

and tell the American people

that I'm not the legitimate President of the United States.

I'm so sorry.

I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

Danny, I told him.

DANNY: Why did you tell him?

God, I had to, and now I hate myself.

Does he believe you?

ELEANOR: He's calling a press conference tomorrow. At 11:00 tomorrow morning,

he's going to make the whole thing known.

Oh shit. Look what you did.

I wish I hadn't told him.

I mean, I know I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing.

It was the right thing to do. And yet... And yet,

maybe I've done the wrong thing, and how can that possibly be?

I mean, did I do the right thing or did I do the wrong thing?

I know it's the right thing to do, and then why do I feel like this?

We've got to pre-empt his press conference.

And very early tomorrow morning.

All right. Yeah.

Press conference set up? What the hell's going on? Yeah.

Okay.

Jack! Jack!

Got a reporter says Delacroy is going to make a major announcement.

It's a big story, something to do with Eleanor Green.

WEATHERMAN ON TV: Well, this is what we've got going on today.

They're called the witches of November.

A winter storm pushing in from the Great Lakes. That's going to spread in

one to three inches of snow right across the DC area.

Now, I don't think there's any more than that.

Not a lot of moisture here. You can see it.

It's a pretty closed-up system, and it's going to move up quite quickly...

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this breaking news.

We have some dirty laundry that needs to be addressed.

Recently, Delacroy had to dismiss an employee, Eleanor Green,

who was suffering severe psychological problems.

We made an effort to get her medical help and subsequently discovered

that she was heavily involved in the use of barbiturates and cocaine.

We would have kept this information private, but additional facts

concerning Miss Green have come to light.

We have evidence that Miss Green

manipulated the prototype of our computer voting system.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Tom here.

Turn on the television.

What channel? Any channel.

STEWART: Her motives aren't quite clear to us,

apart from the fact that she seemed obsessed with Tom Dobbs,

to the degree that she actually tried to corrupt

the computer system to get him elected.

We also know that the President-elect has been seen in her presence recently.

We'd like to make this very clear. We're not suggesting that there was any impropriety

on behalf of the President-elect,

other than the fact that he knows this woman.

Pull over.

We're a family at Delacroy.

We have an extensive health care program

and lots of people have psychological problems,

mental problems, health problems of one kind or another.

It's not something you should sweep under the rug. You gotta talk about it.

We believe that strongly, and we make our best effort to

find out about it as soon as possible and to give help.

The good news is all the computer voting systems installed

at the polling stations throughout the United States remain secure.

Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election,

and our safeguards proved to be impenetrable.

And that's all the information that we have at this time.

I'll take any questions now if you got them. Yes?

Take a look at this. Take a look at this. Perfect, just perfect.

She's a piece of work, huh?

Flipped out in the company cafeteria, on all sorts of drugs,

clearly a mental case, hospital said she had more pills in her than a pharmacy.

I believe her.

She didn't seem that crazy to me. MENKEN: You're in love with her.

She could tell you Gandhi ate hot dogs and you'd believe her.

Take a look at this. Take a look.

If what she says is true, I'm really not the President-elect.

"If" is becoming a very large word.

Did you forget? The first time we met her she said she was working for the FBI.

She said she knew about the computer fraud, but takes three weeks to tell you?

Oh, by the way, you're not the President and Happy Thanksgiving.

If she's not psychotic, she's a stalker.

And if she's not a stalker, she's a CIA operative.

Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus. What's that?

A succubus is some sort of a demon that sucks the life out of healthy men.

I was once a healthy man.

What are you talking about? Please, stop.

Don't get off track.

Can I get change for this, please? My dollar won't work in your machine.

You're that Miss Green from the television.

I wasn't sure, 'cause you always pay cash.

Did your uncle get hold of you? What?

Your uncle. He was trying to call your room. He said he couldn't get through.

By the way, that machine doesn't work.

Yes, sir... Yes, sir. I'm in her hotel now.

I think she may have figured out the glitch.

Bring it back. Bring her back. I want constant updates.

AGENT: Yes, sir. When I find her, I know what to do.

Boy, if she's figured out this computer glitch,

and goes with that to the press, we're royally screwed.

Mr. President, you have that luncheon speech,

followed by a White House meet and greet.

What do I do? Go be presidential.

(SIRENS BLARING)

(CLAMORING)

REPORTER: Will your speech today give us any insight into the Eleanor Green situation?

Jack, I've been trying to call her, but I can't reach her.

MENKEN: You have a busy schedule, keep...

Oh, that's terrific.

Saturday Night Live wants you on "Weekend Update." What do you think?

Did I hear Saturday Night Live? Yeah.

Do it. Why?

Because it's a great opportunity.

You talk about how you were blinded by love.

You didn't know she was secretly popping pills.

It isn't like you were on some side street getting head, like Hugh what's-his-name.

You're so sensitive.

Okay, I'll do it.

Yep, he'll do it. I'll call you later for details.

It's hard to believe it's been a year since we've gathered together,

but nonetheless, we are very pleased to have a most honored guest with us.

LANGSTON: I wrote down some lines for you.

They're fantastic, if I must say so.

I even threw in an old Hitler joke.

How's that supposed to work? Oh, you'll see.

Tom Dobbs.

Knock 'em dead.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you very much.

I guess we should get this over with at the beginning

because you've all heard there's a little bit of a rumor going around right now.

So I'll share the big scoop with you because Oprah was booked.

I'm not even President of the United States yet,

and I am involved in a scandal with a woman.

I did not have sex with that woman.

I wanted to. I'm single.

And you've elected a man as President who is probably

the unluckiest man in the world in that area.

In high school, most of my dates were with myself.

I would take myself out for dinner, bring myself home,

put on music that I liked,

have my way with myself, and then go,

"Should I drive myself home now?"

Pretty much the bottom line. I guess if I was in Italy, I might get lucky.

I mean, they elected an Italian porn star to their Senate,

which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there, just great posters,

and incredible downloads.

I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy,

we can have a certain sense of humor about ourselves. We have to.

You're allowed to make fun of those in power.

But even in the face of tyranny, there is comedy.

These two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler.

They waited in an alleyway. They were supposed to kill Hitler at 12:30.

They're there with guns, bombs, knives.

12:30, no Hitler.

12:45, no Hitler.

1:00, no Hitler.

Finally, one turns to the other and goes,

"My God, I hope nothing happened to him."

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

It's good to see us back again. The fact that we can laugh is wonderful.

The last few years, we've been divided, though.

Red states, blue states.

There are no red states and blue states. There's only the United States of America.

That's what we're about.

That's why I say you can't spend $200 million on a campaign,

and not be owing people something.

And the next thing you know, they have to deal with the special interests.

And next thing you know, they're doing special favors for special people,

and not dealing with what you need.

Education, health care, environmental issues.

They have to deal with oil companies, chemical companies, drug companies.

And they owe them. And in the process, people get neglected.

The poor have no advocate because the poor can't afford a lobbyist.

The Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor,"

not, "Your wealthy, your gifted, and your endowed."

I worked out your bit with SNL. They really liked it.

Has Eleanor called the headquarters yet? No.

She hasn't called me, either. Well, you never know with females.

I had an ex who used to do enough tranquilizers

to put a small flock of sheep to sleep. Why?

Well, mostly, she said it made the sex with me more bearable.

Eleanor didn't do drugs. Oh, no.

And ballplayers don't do steroids.

They just wake up one day looking like Mack trucks.

Pump a little iron, you look like a Humvee.

With little tiny balls.

AIDE: Now remember, this is a meet and greet and nothing more.

DOBBS: I know. The house is so close to the street.

Whoa, boy, that's a desk.

I mean, I've never really sat behind a desk before.

I mean, the one on the show is just a prop. But this...

Where do you do your writing?

Usually on the back of a napkin, sitting in a bar or a restaurant.

Well, there's a lot of history to this desk.

I remember the first time I sat behind it, I had a sort of nervous chill.

Some of the greats and not-so-greats have sat here.

Please. Thank you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me, Mr. President.

Hello? ELEANOR: Tom? Tom?

Eleanor, hold on.

Mr. President, I'll just be a minute. Thank you.

Tom, two guys broke into my hotel room. I don't know what to do.

Who? Who are they?

They're connected with Delacroy. I think they know I broke the code.

Code? What code?

I figured out what caused the computer glitch.

Where are you now?

I'm in a shopping mall. Shopping?

No, I'm not shopping. Well, why are you there?

I just... I didn't know what to do. I thought this was safer.

Mr. President-elect, I'm on a bit of a tight schedule.

Listen, Eleanor, I'm with the President.

What?

I'm with the President of the United States in the Oval Office.

You're with the President? You're in the Oval Office?

Well, Tom, I just don't know... I don't know what to do. I'm afraid... Hello?

Tom? Hello? Hello?

Hello.

Sorry, sir.

Wow.

It's been a pleasure, Mr. President. Thank you.

By the way, Mr. Dobbs, I never thought you had a chance.

I underestimated you.

Well, just between you and me, Mr. President,

you didn't underestimate me at all.

Really? Why?

Oh, but that's so weird. I never said anything to him.

No, he said stuff to me. Oh, like, what am I gonna say back?

But... Hold on a sec.

Hi. Sorry to interrupt. I need a charger for this cell phone,

something I can plug into my cigarette lighter.

We don't stock the charger for that anymore. How long have you had that phone?

Well, it's not like it's a relic. It's a year old.

Well, there is a problem. It's a year old.

Mr. Stewart would like to see you at Delacroy.

Why does he want to see me?

He just wants to sit down and talk to you.

Reasonable people can come to reasonable solutions.

You figured out the computer glitch and you should be paid for your work.

The Delacroy jet is waiting at the private air terminal.

I got her.

Get in.

Get in.

(GROANS)

Shit.

Yeah. I'm tracking her on her GPS.

Yes. First opportunity I get, I'll pick her up, bring her to the airport.

I just got off the phone with the FBI.

They'll confirm that you had no contact with Eleanor Green prior to the election.

So that gets you off the hook,

in terms of you being involved in any attempt to fix the election.

AIDE: Sir, we've got to get you to the airport a little earlier.

There's a storm front moving in.

Oh, for God's sake.

Well, after Saturday Night Live tonight, then I'm going to be heading on.

Why so soon?

Well, Menken thinks it's for the best. No sense postponing the inevitable.

Will you be disappointed to go back to television after this ride?

LANGSTON: Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV.

AIDE: How so? LANGSTON: TV scares me.

It makes everything seem credible.

But why is that so bad?

Well, if everything seems credible, then nothing seems credible.

You know, TV puts everybody in those boxes side by side.

On one side, there's the certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened.

And next to him is this noted, honored historian

who knows all about the Holocaust.

And now, there they sit, side by side. They look like equals.

Everything they say seems to be credible.

And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore.

We just stop listening.

In the Times today, 60% of the voters would have voted for Dobbs

if they could have. LANGSTON: Well, yeah.

He sounds different. That's why they can hear him.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

My cell phone died and some guy is after me.

I thought two guys were after you?

No, this is someone else.

Who?

I assume that he's from Delacroy. He has a pickup truck.

Eleanor, I think you need help.

He tried to abduct me from the mall.

From the mall. Okay.

Look, I think it has to do with the fact that I figured everything out.

She's in a phone booth off Route 173.

You see, Mills and Kellogg both have double "L's,"

but Kellogg trumps him with double "G's," and you trump him with double "B's."

I don't know what that means, Eleanor. Listen, where are you?

I don't know. I don't know... I don't know where I am.

It's dark. There's a factory.

I see a Christmas tree.

I don't know. I don't know where I am.

What do you want me to do now, sir?

STEWART: I'm willing to offer her big money, big money.

She's running away now?

Why is she running away? She's impossible.

I don't know who she's talking to. I don't know what she's saying.

All right. Go to the airport. You go to BWI private terminal.

There's a plane there. We'll get on that plane,

I'll take you to New York, and we'll solve your problem, okay?

Private terminal at the airport? I don't know how to get to the airport.

All right, I'll try. I'll try and get there. I'll look in my GPS or something.

Hello? Eleanor?

MAN ON TV: We have breaking news now.

We do know there has been a very serious traffic accident.

It is tying up traffic out on the Baltimore-Washington Parkway,

just where it meets Route 495, and that is the Capital Beltway.

And there has been one serious injury. We have been talking to police.

They have identified the injured woman as an Eleanor Green.

Oh, my God.

And yes, if that name sounds familiar to you, it is the same Eleanor Green...

Menken! You have to see this!

Sir, we just got a report of an accident. It's Eleanor Green.

Not now, please. Excuse me.

Are you with the ambulance? Yes, sir.

Eleanor Green? She's in stable condition.

Thank you.

Not now.

Oh, shit. Why does he have to get himself into this mess?

Kid driving the truck is from Pittsburgh.

Apparently, he lost control on the ice, went right off the road.

Tom, we've gotta get to Saturday Night Live.

There's time.

ELEANOR: Double "B."

Double "L," double "G," double "B."

Double "L," double "G," double "B."

Double "L," double "G."

Double "L," double "G."

DOBBS: They are trying to discredit her.

She's not psychotic, okay?

I believe her, for Christ's sake. Look what they did.

MENKEN: Last night you were willing to give it all up. Now you want to do it again.

Listen to me. Police said a truck went out of control.

I'm trying to tell you that she was trying to tell me something.

It was snowing.

She said she knew what the computer glitch was.

And the way she is right now, it'll be a couple of days before we can find out.

Where's the proof, some proof? Give me something,

something to justify what she's saying.

We don't have time to keep playing this game.

She was trying to explain it to me, but it didn't make any sense.

She kept saying, "Double 'B,' double 'G,' double 'L.'"

It's like a code, but I don't know what it means.

Whatever the hell happened, we're never gonna know for sure.

Only one thing remains true. You're the President.

You're either getting on that plane or not.

Tom, come January 20th, the White House is yours.

Nothing can change that. No one can, except you.

You coming?

ANNOUNCER: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center,

it's "Weekend Update" with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Hi, I'm Amy Poehler.

I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.

A Malaysian man, famous for pulling planes and buses with his hair,

died this week of heart complications.

Tragically, he would still be alive,

but he insisted on pulling his own ambulance.

(LAUGHTER)

A German filmmaker is planning to make a comedy about Adolf Hitler.

Hey, I just went through the cue cards and I'm telling you, you're gonna kill.

You know, it's gonna work like a charm. Don't worry about a thing.

And you do a couple of those Eleanor Green jokes,

and we get this stuff way, way behind you, all right?

All right. You can go on and be President.

(LANGSTON LAUGHING)

Forensic scientists say they have recreated George Washington

as he looked at age 19,

while Tom Dobbs has recreated how Thomas Jefferson would have looked

if he were crazy.

POEHLER: University researchers have set up a Google-backed program

to track spyware, adware, and other bad-ware back to its source.

And when the source is finally identified, Tom Dobbs will sleep with it.

(LAUGHTER)

FEY: A new report suggests that more species of birds

mate for life than previously believed,

while other species only mate for votes.

This week, Tom Dobbs met with his presidential transition team

who briefed him on the day-to-day activities of the Oval Office.

However, Dobbs became upset when he learned that Monday

would no longer be re-runs.

I heard that!

Who said that?

(PRESIDENTIAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Do we have a special guest?

What?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

President-elect Tom Dobbs.

Wow.

DOBBS: Just in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by.

I always wanted to say that, sounds like Bob Hope. "Thought I'd drop by."

Thank you so much for coming. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

Lovely, thank you.

Well. Now listen, we all saw you in Congress in that outfit the other day.

That was quite flattering.

Those wigs, it's kind of nice. I love the buckled shoe, though.

It's, you know, part pimp, part pilgrim.

You can either get off th Mayflower or have four girls in a Cadillac.

They love him. That's nice. Yeah, it's working like a charm.

I'm thinking, and this is just out loud,

that I should go with some Manolo Blanco, just to give you that little...

Lift your ass. Lift... Lift the ass.

Next time, I want to go stilettos, something crazy.

Manolo.

Now, I'm pleased that the FBI cleared up any suspicion

that you knew Eleanor Green before the election.

Not at all. No. Good.

So, I guess that absolves you of any kind of conspiratorial thing,

that you fixed the election. Right

So, what do you make of this woman's obsession with you?

Well, Tina, I have just one question for you.

Is this a face that a woman would be obsessed with?

Well... Well, by your pause, I understand.

Because I think, you know, a woman could be obsessed with a movie star like Brad Pitt,

hello, and you could say, Angelina. I could be obsessed with Angelina.

I just want to wet her lips and just stick her to something.

And also you could say obsessed with rock and roll stars, you know.

It's like women rushing the stage, fainting.

It was for Elvis, for the Beatles,

for Mick Jagger, just to say, "This is your baby."

But women don't rush the stage for comedians.

I mean, they basically...

If they throw their panties on the stage for me,

it's because they want them fluffed and folded and back by Friday.

I threw my underpants at Britney Spears once, but...

'Cause I thought she needed a pair.

DOBBS: God bless.

I thought you were gonna say you threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck.

POEHLER: That's a good re-write.

"Good night, good luck." That's from our new book, One Night in Paris.

But I mean, for me, I have to think, here's the basic thing.

I mean, how plausible is it that a woman would fix an election

because she's obsessed with me? I mean, where's the hanging chad?

Where's the governor of the state being your brother?

Where's the Supreme Court ruling against the voter? Come on.

Where's the conspiracy in that? None, really.

And here's the real question you're asked to ask.

It's like, if that's not why, what is the real answer?

What is the real answer?

DOBBS: Thank you for picking that one up.

Where's he going with this?

The bottom line is Eleanor Green came to me and told me

that there was a computer glitch in the Delacroy computer voting systems.

She warned the chief executive of Delacroy, James Hemmings,

but they decided to cover it up for economic reasons.

It's not good for the stock offering, really.

The truth is, I'm not the elected President of the United States.

Bottom line is it was a computer error. Not fraud, but a faulty program.

HAL decided it liked me.

Today I was in the Oval Office on a preparatory meeting

and I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check.

It kind of overwhelmed me. I...

I sat there and went, "Wait a minute, I'm a jester."

A jester doesn't rule the kingdom. He makes fun of the king.

And for a brief moment, I thought, you know,

I could be the President of the United States.

I thought I was President of the United States until Eleanor talked to me.

It's... I know it's... We're not on book anymore

and the cue-card guy is going...

POEHLER: No, we just usually do fake news and jokes.

We don't usually have real news

and non-jokes.

So watch out, Oprah,

'cause we gonna go real, girl.

But here's the deal, a lot of you voted for me or at least some of you.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

And I know you voted for me because you were fed up with the status quo,

but you were voting for change for the sake of change.

And, you know, listen, you could vote for someone better than me.

You can do a lot better than me.

You can do a lot better than most of the politicians you've elected recently.

And definitely, don't put your faith in a machine

that has less controls than a Vegas slot machine.

So you don't want to be a part of the re-election?

Oh, no, no, please, no, no, no, no. That's not a stage I belong on.

This is where I belong, with folks like you, finding the "funk" in "dysfunctional."

Mark Twain said, "Irreverence is basically the champion of liberty,

"if not its only defender."

That's what we're there... We're there to kind of shake it up

and that's what we got to do.

How many of you think the educational system is working?

(GIRL WHOOPING)

One girl. Thank you.

"I learned to read."

Do you realize that 40% of American high school graduates

think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife?

So, Tom Dobbs walked away from being the President of the United States.

Okay, so he wasn't really elected,

but if he hadn't told anyone...

We going to send some shout-out right now!

MENKEN: Shortly thereafter, Tom Dobbs went back to his political comedy show.

I'm gonna get on the desk like Tom Cruise, going, "I love her!"

MENKEN: He was bigger than ever.

Everyone's gonna be writing about how honest you are, how straightforward.

I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.

I want to do a show about gay farmers and call it Crop Suckers Is that offensive?

Not to me.

(CHEERING)

Nothing but the best!

ELEANOR: Yeah?

Hey. Hi.

Like some company?

I left the nightlight on.

MENKEN: Eleanor became his producer,

and close companion,

lover. Later his wife.

The two Delacroy executives were arrested and later convicted,

because Eleanor's theories on the computer glitch proved to be correct.

For those of you who are actually thinking of getting breast implants,

I have something new I want you to try.

A lot of people... They get the large ones. Those are lovely.

Do something new for your boyfriend. Put in a little squeak toy.

I think that's about the same. We're pretty easily amused. We'll be...

You realize that's what it is for us? We're like cats.

Also, remember the best birth control,

ladies, the best birth control and the cheapest is simply this...

MENKEN: As for President Kellogg, he won against Mills in re-election,

and in his second term was better than any of us would have expected.

Not great, but better.

Maybe Tom Dobbs had something to do with it. Who knows?

But I like to think

that one thing does lead to another.

Remember this, ladies and gentlemen.

It's an old phrase, basically anonymous,

but politicians are a lot like diapers.

They should be changed frequently and for the same reason.

Keep that in mind next time you vote. Good night.

(APPLAUSE)