All language subtitles for Home Improvement -Season 8- E4

It's the closing minutes
of the World Cup.

Brad Taylor steals the ball
and dribbles to the right,

cuts back to the left, shoots!
It's a goal!

Goal, goal, goal!

Goal!

Oh, yeah!

So you're studying
hard today, huh?

Yeah. I'm practicing
for the SAT test.

Is this the part where
they ask you to make rain?

No, I was just
taking the math test.

Gosh, it was so hard I'm
scared to find out my score.

Well, let's add it up.
How do we do this?

Well, I already did the
adding and the subtracting.

You have to take this number
here and divide it by four.

Well, don't worry.

Math is just simple logic.

Let's see, two, two...

Well, Dad, when you divide,
shouldn't the number get smaller?

I've been dividing since I was a kid.
That is your score.

Forty-two hundred, baby!

Dad, the highest
possible score is 800.

You know what?
I bet you added a zero to the 420.

Don't be silly.
You add a zero to 420, you still get 420.

- Yeah, you're right.
- Hi, guys.

Hi.

So what do you think?

New hair?

No!

New pants?

No! New couch!
New couch!

What new couch?

I cannot believe
that you didn't notice it.

It's been here since
early this morning.

I spent six weeks picking this thing out.
I love it. Love it.

I'm gonna lie down here
and never get up. Ever. Never.

Well, Mom, I got a
420 on my math test.

What? Oh, my God!

You're never gonna get into
UCLA with scores like that,

no matter how
well you play soccer.

I know, but I hate math. I'd rather
hit myself in the head with a hammer.

Don't be too sure.
It really hurts.

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Does everybody know
what time it is?

Tool Time!

That's right!
Tim, Tim, he's our man!

If he can't fix it, Big Al can!

Heidi. Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you.

Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everyone. Welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The
School Man" Taylor.

And, of course, you all know my
assistant Al "Husky" Borland.

Thank you.

Welcome to our
Tool Time salute...

Food fight!

To college.
To college.

In today's competitive college
environment, a young man needs an edge.

That's why we've taken that dorm room
and given it the old Tool Time twist.

Ladies and gentlemen,
say hello to

the man's dorm room!
The man's dorm room!

Now, at first blush, this may look
like an ordinary college dorm room,

but let's scratch that surface
a little bit and go deep.

The operative word in this
dorm room is "efficiency."

Most college students don't
have time to do laundry,

so it piles up,
cluttering the workspace.

Hey, roomie, what are we gonna
do with all this laundry?

Not to worry.

We've modified this
little trash compactor.

Aha!

Perfect.

Hard to believe there's 16 weeks of
my dirty underwear in there, huh?

Suppose your kid has a
Chemistry final tomorrow.

He's got to do well,

but the professor's got this silly bias
against students that, I don't know,

blow up the chemistry lab.

Allegedly.

To help students
stay up late studying,

our dorm room has
that added thing

to give them
that jolt of energy!

An oxygen bar.

Yes, it comes with domestic...

Mmm, Seattle.

And imported.

Mexico City.

Well, moving on.

Well, after a late night,

most students have a hard
time getting up on time.

So we've created a fail-safe wake-up
system with three stages of alarm.

Well, for the light sleeper...

I'm up.

For the moderate sleeper...

What was that?

Just five more.

For the stubborn sleeper...

Get up!

I've added one
more little thing.

What?

Let's say you're having the
captain of the cheerleaders over

for a little
late-night studying,

and you don't want
Flannel Boy listening in.

What?

Aren't you supposed
to be studying?

Yeah, Mom wants me to be studying,
but I'm all out of brain space.

All right. Well,
take a little break.

Let's play a little out here.

No, that's cool, Dad.

Come on. Just do it.

Do it now. Come on.
Work it. Work it.

Work it. Don't turn your back
on me, girlie man. Shoot.

Go easy on your dad, Brad.

Hey, do I smell pork
by-products over there?

Yes, indeedy. These are
bangers fresh from England.

Hey, Tim and Brad Taylor,

I'd like you to meet a
former student of mine

from Oxford,
Simon Downing-Chubb.

Hello, Taylors.
How's it going?

Simon Downing-Chubb.

So what do you do?

I own a software company.

Actually, he owns one of the largest
software companies in England.

He's also a very
active philanthropist.

Well, I'm involved in a foundation that
fights poverty and promotes world peace.

Enough chit-chat.
What do you drive?

I've got a Bentley, two Jaguars and
I'm restoring an Austin-Healy.

Wow, I've got an
Austin-Healy myself!

I thought that was
Jill's Austin-Healy.

Technically, in the sense

that she owns it and I'm
not allowed to drive it.

Plus, neither one of them
can keep it running.

Well, it is British.

Well, you colonists
dumped our tea,

so we get back at
you with our cars.

Brad!
Study break's over!

Nice to meet you,
Mr. Downing-Chubb.

So Brad's a soccer player?

One of the best high-school
players in Detroit.

Thanks, Wilson.
I'm soccer-mad myself.

I even bought my own team.

The Birmingham Chubbs.
Are you a soccer fan, Taylor?

Yeah, you know, it's okay.
I love the rioting.

Well, you know, if Brad has a
game in the next couple of days,

why don't you take Simon?

He plays tomorrow afternoon.
Love to take you if you want to go see it.

And after that, maybe you want to
take a look at the Healy with me

and tell me why the wipers go
on every time I honk the horn.

Sounds like a problem
with the radio.

Do all Americans
drive like that?

Yeah. We drive on the right
side of the road here, Simon.

No, I meant 60 miles
an hour on the shoulder.

No, you see, my dad calls
that the passing lane.

All right, listen, guys, I gotta
kick around a few math problems.

Great game, Brad.
You were top-drawer.

That means "good job" if you
live in the mother country.

Want to go out to the garage and
check out the Austin-Healy?

Lead on.

Voila.

Oh, it's a lovely car, Taylor.

Thanks.

Just finishing having
it rebuilt, bottom up.

But there's something
really funky in the wiring.

All right, let's have a quick
peek under your bonnet.

Simon, we just met.

In England, they call
the hood the bonnet.

I know that.

It's just you Brits have a way of
sucking all the manliness out of a car.

I think it was the Americans
who came up with the car bra.

When you got a nice
set of headlights,

you want to support them
with something, don't you?

You know, I have to tell you, Brad
really is quite a soccer player.

He's talented enough to play
professionally in England.

You think he's that good?

Yeah.

I can't say the same
for your wiring.

What do you want to do?

I'll need a wire stripper
and a cold beverage posthaste.

Here's your wire stripper. I'll get
you your cold beverage post-toasty.

Hey, hitting those books, huh?

Yeah. I already hit them.
Now I gotta open them.

Guess what? Guess what
the Chubbster said.

He says you're good enough to play
soccer professionally in England.

No way!
Yeah.

Wow! That's so cool.

Awfully talented, frightfully
good, absolutely marvelous.

Shaken, not stirred.
James Bond.

- Bond, James Bond.
- Dad. Dad.

- No, Goldfinger.
- Dad! Dad!

- No, Goldfinger.
- Dad!

Pussy. Pussy Galore.

I'm trying to study here.

Right! Right!

Study! The boy must study! I'll
tell Moneypenny immediately.

Honey, you're in for a treat.

Your first banger's
almost off the grill.

I can't wait.
What's in a banger anyway?

A veritable zoo-full
of English animal innards,

with just the right
amount of spices.

Yeah, I think I'll pass.

I've had enough monkey
in my diet lately.

Hi, Mom.

Hey. How are you doing?

Wait, what are you doing?
Aren't you supposed to be studying?

No, I don't have
to study anymore.

Right.

And what about the SAT tests?

No, I don't have to take them.
I'm not gonna go to college.

- What?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna play professional
soccer in England.

You're looking at
the newest Birmingham Chubb.

What are you talking about?

What the hell is
a Birmingham Chubb?

Simon's team.

Who the hell is Simon?

The owner of the Chubbs.

We're not getting anywhere.

Simon's one of Wilson's friends.

Dad invited him to the game the
other day and he came and told me

I was good enough
to play professional,

and I said, "Yeah.
I'm up for it."

You're up for it?

What makes you think
that your father and I

would even consider
allowing you to do this?

Well, Dad was the one
that told me about it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Your father knows about this?
He's in favor of this?

Well, yeah. He seemed excited when
Simon told him how good I was.

They talked about the whole thing
while they were working on the car.

So while changing
a windshield wiper,

your father single-handedly decided
to change your entire future?

All right, who's ready
to suck down a banger?

You can get a salad,
too, if you want.

Tim, when I went to
work this morning,

I had a son who was
headed for college.

Now I've got a Chubb.

Dad, I talked to Simon. I'm gonna
be playing professional soccer.

What?

Don't act so surprised. You're
the one that told him to do it.

I have no idea what you
guys are talking about.

You invited Simon
to go watch him play, right?

You told Brad that he was
good enough to play pro.

Have you lost weight?

How could you tell Brad that it's okay
for him to play soccer in Europe?

I didn't say that. I just passed
on Simon's compliment, that's all.

But you know how much trouble
he's having with his schoolwork.

I mean, telling him
that was like

dangling a big, fat carrot
in front of a starving horse!

Well, I didn't know the starving
horse would eat the big, fat carrot!

Well, you should have!

Excuse me, guys.
The horse would like to speak.

Look, guys, this is a big opportunity
for me and I don't want to pass it up.

Brad, you said that you wanted to play
soccer in college. What about UCLA?

No, you guys wanted
me to go to UCLA.

This is a chance for me
to get on the soccer field

without killing myself studying.

Well, what if going pro
doesn't work out, Brad?

Yeah.

Dad, you know it's gonna
work out, you've seen me play.

Brad, you're gonna ruin your
chances to get a scholarship.

Mom, if I go pro,
I don't need a scholarship.

I don't believe this.
You actually expect us to just say,

"Oh, yeah. Great. Okay,
pack up, go to England"?

Well, you guys let
Randy go to Costa Rica.

No. No, no, no. That's
not the same thing.

He's down there for school. He's
still in an educational program.

Well, Simon says it's gonna
be a great experience for me

playing soccer
and living on my own.

- What do you plan to do for money?
- Yeah.

Simon says he'll pay me
�10,000 a year.

Simon says that's
plenty to live on.

That's simple for Simon to say.

If Simon says jump off the London
Bridge, are you gonna do that?

Simon wouldn't say that.

I say you are going to college.

And I say you're
going to college, too.

Okay, Dad, so you're saying if you could've
gone straight from high school to Tool Time,

are you saying you
would have gone to college?

Well, of course he would have
gone to college. Tell him, Tim.

You... They...

The... No, there's...

If that...
Those... They never...

No one called.

Tim!

- There's...
- No, no, no. That's all I wanted to hear.

No, no. I just stuttered then.
I didn't say anything.

What was that about?

Well, that question
caught me off guard.

Well, you're on guard now.
Go tell him to go to college.

Jill, look, if I had the
chance to skip English Lit

and go straight to Tool Time,
I probably would have done it.

That's fine for you, but that's not
the message I want our son to hear.

He asked me a question, I gave him an
honest answer. What was I supposed to do?

You do what most good
parents would do, lie.

Good arm, Wilson.

Well, thank you, neighbor. Simon
inspired me to dust off my cricket gear.

Unfortunately, I'm having
trouble controlling my googly.

Maybe you should
switch to briefs.

No, Tim. See, the googly is the
cricket equivalent of a curve ball.

Well, Simon certainly threw a curve
ball over here the other day.

Did you know
that he offered Brad

a contract to play for his
soccer team in England?

Well, Simon said that
Brad was a great player,

but Simon never said anything
about signing him up.

I am sick of what Simon says!

So I take it you and Jill don't
want Brad playing in England?

Jill doesn't. I'm not sure.

Brad doesn't care,
he just wants to go.

Oh, well, I understand their positions,
but why are you on the fence?

Well, you know,

Brad asked me if I could
have skipped college

and gone right to Tool Time,
would I have done that?

And I couldn't say that I
wouldn't have done that.

Ah.

And you're afraid if you told Brad to
do something that you wouldn't do,

you would be a hypocrite.

Exactly.

Tim, to be offered your dream
job at such an early age,

that would be so flattering.

I think anybody
would be tempted.

So do I.

You know, for example,
when I was young,

I had to choose
between going to Oxford

or becoming a professional mime.

That certainly would have impacted
our relationship, wouldn't it?

You know, Tim, if you had been offered
Tool Time when you were 18 years of age,

do you think you would have missed
anything by not going to college?

Of course I would've
missed college.

That's where I met
a lot of my friends,

and, you know, there's all sorts
of great stuff in college.

You know, panty raids, keggers.

And Chemistry class. They let
me work with real stuff.

That's when you blew up the lab.

Allegedly.

College was more about expanding my
horizons. I learned a lot of stuff.

So there you go.

You know, it seems to me
you can have this talk about

college with Brad
without being a hypocrite.

What made you decide
not to be a mime?

I talked myself out of it.

Brad! Brad! Brad! Brad!

What?

Turn that thing off!
I want to talk to you!

Well, if you're gonna
yell at me about England,

you can forget about it, all right?
I'm making my own decisions.

I'm not here to yell at you.

I want to have a calm discussion

about pro soccer
versus going to college.

Dad, I just feel that the experience
I'd get playing professional soccer

would make up for anything
I'd be missing in college.

So you do admit you might miss
something if you don't go to college?

Nothing important.

Dad, and you even
implied earlier

that if you could have skipped
college, you would have.

When I thought about it,
I was wrong about that.

Dad, this is such a big
opportunity for me.

I mean, I'll be living
on my own, making money,

and doing the one
thing I'm good at.

What do you mean the one
thing you're good at?

You're good at a lot more
things than just soccer.

Dad, I'm a lot better on the soccer
field than I am in the classroom.

You worked real hard this year and
you got your grades up, didn't you?

Yeah, in high school. If I go to a school
like UCLA, Dad, they'll humiliate me.

Where did you get
an idea like that?

Grant Scott's brother
sent me a book from UCLA.

I couldn't even
understand the cover.

Well, you just gotta...

Jeez!

It's like a foreign language.

That's my Spanish book.

Dad, I'm talking,
like, a calculus book.

Well, you know, you're not
supposed to understand this.

That's why you go to college,
so you will understand it.

Dad, I'm not gonna cut it at
UCLA or any other college!

Okay? It's gonna be way too hard!
I'm gonna flunk out!

Wait a minute. Is that
what this is all about?

You're gonna run off to England
because you're scared?

No, I'm not scared.

You just said you were
worried about flunking out.

You're gonna go across the
sea, go over someplace else.

You know, I don't want
you becoming a mime!

What?

I don't want you to miss the
opportunity for an education

because you're
afraid of messing up.

Well, don't you ever
worry about messing up?

Have you ever seen Tool Time?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Look. Look, son, you get stronger
in life by facing your fears.

You were real worried
about going to high school

and you worked hard
and you got your grades up.

College is just
a step like that.

And you can do this, Brad.
You can do this.

All right, I'll think about it.

And think about this,

half of the starters on the World
Cup soccer team came from UCLA.

Dad, they finished last.

That's why they need you.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You get into UCLA, I will build you
a dorm room of your dreams, man.

Just like on Tool Time. What
feature would you really like?

Heidi?

It's not a beauty pageant.
This is a fitness competition.

Hi, guys.

We were just watching
the Discovery Channel.

Yeah, right. Brad, Brad,
your SAT scores came.

I think I'll open
them a little later.

No. No.

No, we can't stand the suspense.

- Here, Dad. You can open them.
- I'll open them.

- Hold on. Don't open it yet.
- Don't open it yet.

- All right, go ahead.
- Okay, I'll go ahead.

- Wait, wait. Not, not yet.
- Not yet.

Brad, honey, relax.

Okay, go ahead.

Eight-hundred-and-twenty-six million,
fifty-thousand and thirty-three.

Dad, that's my
Social Security number.

Hey, Brad, look. You got a
550 in math, 530 in English.

- Congratulations.
- Congratulations.

Cool. I'm gonna go call Samantha
and tell her the good news.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Cool.
- Cool.

Do you realize how close we came to
having another son in a foreign country?

What's with these kids anyway?

Other people want
to come to America,

these kids just want to get out.

Do you think it's my cooking?

You combine that
with this couch, and...

Does everybody know
what time it is?

Tool Time!

That's right!

Simon says he's gonna
pay me �10,000 a year

and Simon says that's
plenty to live on.

Is there a cigar in this thing?

I know! I know!

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