Original subtitles

Welcome to a very magical Tool Time.

That was just a cheesy video effect.

On today's show, we're gonna have some real magic.

That's right. Heidi is going to introduce us

to two of the world's biggest prestidigitators.

Not on this show you're not.

No, no.

A prestidigitator is a magician.

Well, in that case, you're wondering

why would you have a magician on this show?

That's because I think magic is cool.

In order to spice Tool Time up,

we're gonna turn Tool Time into Cool Time.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Penn & Teller!

Advertise your product or brand here contact www.SubtitleDB.org today

Thank you.

- Oh, wow! - This is great.

- Great to have you on the show. - Oh, it's great to be here.

I'm such a... I'm such a big fan of Tool Time.

Teller, how about you?

He doesn't talk.

An assistant who doesn't talk.

I'd like to switch. I've got 20 bucks right here...

Where's my wallet?

Oh, that's great!

He's very good. He's...

That's the really tough one.

They are very good, huh?

So, what other tricks are you gonna show us today?

We're gonna show you the Houdini box escape!

Houdini box escape!

We have a perfectly ordinary box here. Solid plywood.

Need someone to examine it,

make sure there are no trapdoors or secret panels or anything.

- Anybody? - Tim, why don't you examine it here?

You're the expert on structural integrity. Check it out here.

Check it out. Check it out on the inside.

Be sure to check the bottom there. Make sure there are no trapdoors.

No trapdoor.

You want to make sure there's no catch there or anything.

- All right. - Just check it out there. There we go!

Hey!

There we go.

Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers.

There we go.

- How are you doing in there, Tim? - I'm in a box!

All right!

Okay. So, what happens now?

Well, if he were Houdini, he'd be escaping in about 38 seconds.

But since it's Tim, it's gonna be awhile.

- Get comfortable. - What?

Excellent trick!

Shut up, Al.

So, what do you want to do? It's Al's Tool Time now.

All right. Well, can we saw this in half?

How about we saw Teller in half? He's coming right over here.

Hey, let me out of here! It's my show!

Yeah. Was your show. Hurry up.

Look at this. So, you can saw him in half.

What would you like to use? What tool?

Well, why don't we use the Binford 6100 power handsaw?

That's too much saw for Al!

Save your oxygen.

This works most of the time. Go ahead, give it a shot.

You'll be okay.

There you go. Beautiful.

Oh, nicely done. Nicely done. Beautifully done.

Beautiful. Now, let's just prove you went all the way through.

There it is!

I did it! All right!

Now, are you okay?

- He's fine. He's fine. - Yeah!

- You want to see how it's done? - I'd like to see how it's done.

Okay. Just... Well, we're not murderers.

So, we just have Teller squished up in the top half of the box.

Tim, you got to see this!

That was so great.

Then you just find some flunky backstage

and use him to play the part of the feet.

There he is! Escapo!

Very nicely done, Tim.

Ladies and gentlemen, Penn & Teller!

- Hey, Jill. - Hi.

What you working on?

Oh, I have to write this essay describing myself

for the PhD application to U of M.

Well, tell them you're brilliant, insightful and a great humanitarian.

- I am? - No. But they don't know that, right?

Brad, I can't screw this up.

Some of us aren't soccer stars who can count on getting a scholarship.

In fact, some of us are stuck working at the zoo,

hosing out the penguin house.

Well, that explains those feathers in the lint trap.

- Oh, your friend Jim called, Brad. - Oh, yeah.

He must be calling about that party he's having Saturday night.

The ladies are gonna be rolling through there.

Saturday night's all right for Brad.

Actually, Saturday night's kind of big for me, too.

Chilly Millie's eggs are gonna hatch.

- Hey, guys. - Hi.

Say, did you guys catch Tool Time today?

Yeah. I actually did.

You watched Tool Time?

Yeah. I was trying to avoid writing my essay.

I was desperate.

But, yeah, I really liked Penn & Teller. They were great.

Yeah. You know, but some of the die-hard tool fans

got to me after the show

and said they're missing the regular, basic Tool Times, you know?

Wonder if I'm alienating my fan base?

Don't worry. He'll forgive you.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Mark.

What's the buzz about Tool Time around school?

No one's ever heard of it.

Hey, what's this big wet spot?

Oh, it looks like the hallway toilet overflowed. I'll shut it off.

Oh, no! Like we need this right now.

Would you go downstairs in the basement and get some rags?

- Sure. - I can't believe it!

We're gonna have to pull up the rug and dry it out!

Fix the toilet!

You know, honey, as usual, you look at a broken toilet as half-empty,

I look at it as half-full.

This is a perfect project to get Tool Time back on track, huh?

- Oh, no, no, no. - Yeah, yeah.

No Tool Times in the house. It's disruptive.

You always end up breaking something else.

This broken toilet's too good an opportunity to pass up.

It's like that guy that saw a spring.

He said, "That's not a spring. That's a Slinky."

Welcome back to Tool Time on location.

Today, we're gonna do a great old-fashioned Tool Time.

It's a hands-on one. You'll enjoy it.

That's right. You get to watch us in the bathroom.

That's not all. Later, we're gonna replace carpet padding.

What a show!

Okay, this toilet overflowed through the top of the tank

due to a broken float valve.

Now, first you want to drain the tank, loosen the nuts

and remove the old ball-cock assembly.

Al's looking to do a similar procedure with his own doctor.

Right now, Al's gonna show us how to install a high-tech float mechanism.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Cut! Sorry, guys.

What's so important you gotta interrupt the show?

I need my earring and my mousse.

Your earring's probably in your mom's jewelry case.

If you're looking for a moose, go to a VFW hall.

Okay, now we're gonna show you how to deal with any water damage

that may have occurred.

In this case, it also damaged some of the carpet pad.

And the drywall in the ceiling.

We're gonna show you how to replace both.

That's right. What could be a better hands-on Tool Time than that?

I started this show, what? Nine years ago

with just a dream and my hammer.

And the best assistant that minimum wage could buy.

Oh, my God! Brad!

- Are you all right? - Cut, cut, cut!

- Are you all right? - My knee.

Your knee? You hit your knee? Okay, okay. Does this hurt?

- Yes. - What kind of hurt is it?

- Pain! - Okay. What kind of pain?

- Pain! - It's an emergency! Emergency!

- Don't panic... - Quick! Get a doc! Doctor, emergency!

It's a good thing Binford has a paramedic standing by, you know?

Right here. Right this way. This way.

He fell down the stairs.

You might want to look at the guy that's at the bottom of the stairs.

- How's Brad doing? - Oh, his tests are almost done.

He'll be out of Radiology in a minute.

I don't understand why I couldn't go in there with him.

Because you've had so many X-rays you glow in the dark.

I'm gonna check on Brad.

Tim, don't touch anything.

Okay, Brad.

Dr. Brown is gonna come by and give you your X-ray results.

Okay, now, use some of your weight. Ready, one, two, three, go.

Okay, Brad, if your dad tries to touch anything else, just hit him with this.

Will do.

How you feeling?

I feel terrible. I mean, this sucks.

I have a game to get ready for on Sunday.

I'll bet you'll be okay by game time, huh?

I came as fast as I could. Oh, my God!

My poor baby. What did the doctor say?

They just got the X-rays, and we're waiting for the results.

- How did this happen? - It was a fluke.

You know, he wasn't watching where he was going.

He just tripped down the stairs.

- Wait, wait. This is my fault? - No fault.

No, no, no. It's because of his stupid Tool Time.

- Oh, "stupid" Tool Time? - Yes. Stupid Tool Time.

Dad, you left the carpet in the middle of the stairs!

I didn't leave it there.

It wouldn't have been there if you'd waited to come down the stairs

after we'd finished the scene.

Hey, hey, hey, there's no point assigning blame.

- Yeah, well, he started it. - I did not.

- Did, too. - Did not.

Did, too.

Guys! Guys, knock it off!

The important thing is it's gonna get taken care of, okay?

Yeah.

- Hello, Brad. - Oh, hi. Hi. I'm Jill Taylor.

Dr. Brown. Hi. Hi.

- Hey, Dr. Brown. - I know. Tim Taylor.

Thanks to you we have a spanking new CAT scan machine!

So, Doctor, am I gonna be ready for the game on Sunday?

Well, I'm afraid you won't be playing soccer for a while.

What?

You probably have a meniscal tear.

Looks like you're gonna need surgery.

Surgery. It's that serious?

I can't believe this.

Well, you know, as soon as it heals, it'll be as good as new, right?

It will be as good as new, right?

Well, it's hard to say. Here. Let me show you.

The meniscus, which is right here,

is a cartilage disk which acts like a shock absorber for the knee joint.

I see.

It's like going over potholes without your suspension.

Yes, Mr. Taylor, it's just like that.

There's no way to assess the full extent of the damage

until we get inside.

Well, should we schedule the surgery right away?

Well, first I want to send you to an orthopedic surgeon.

He'll do an MRI to make sure my diagnosis is correct.

And until then, Brad, stay off that leg.

Okay. Well, thank you, Dr. Brown.

Okay.

This is a total nightmare.

I mean, with a blown knee, I might never play soccer again.

This could ruin my entire scholarship.

- Now, you don't know that. - No.

And if that was eventually the case, we could still pay for your college.

And you'd be able to park closer to the school then.

Dad, I'm not even gonna get into college without a soccer scholarship.

If it wasn't for your stupid Tool Time, this would've never happened!

It wasn't my stupid Tool Time.

- Yes, it is. - There's no point blaming your dad.

- Come on, Brad! - Look, I'm sorry this happened.

But we're not even sure how serious this is yet.

Yeah. You don't even know if you're gonna have surgery.

- Yeah, or my career could be over. - Let's not talk like that.

No. Wait.

Sometimes it's helpful to play out the worst-case scenario.

All right. So, let's play out the worst-case scenario.

All right.

I've blown my knee, my career's over, I never get a job,

I spend all my time sitting on the couch, watching TV

and picking potato chips out of my cheesy mustache.

Yeah, thanks! I feel great!

That works much better in my Psychology groups.

Hey, Brad. Do you want us to drop you by Jim's soccer party?

Yo, Brad?

Honey, do you want a ride or not?

Yeah, I'm just dying to listen to people talk about soccer

while I limp around like some washed-up loser.

Well, do you want to go

to the Saginaw Cheese Awards banquet, huh?

Yeah, your dad's nominated for Car Guy of the Year again.

He's gonna get the Lifetime A-cheese-ment Award.

I'd rather sit here and relive the highlights of my youth.

Okay. Well, you know, maybe it's better if you get some rest

before the operation, Monday.

We'll see you later.

So, what do you want to do?

I want to sit here and think of all the reasons why life sucks.

Hey, cool.

Hey, Wilson.

Hey, Wilson.

Oh. I'm sorry, Brad. I was just meditating.

Aren't you cold out here?

Well, when I chant "Om mani pa-toe-me foom"

I'm trying to commune with nature.

But now that you mention it, I am freezing my pa-toe-mes off.

Yeah. Living next to my dad,

you're lucky your pa-toe-mes are still in one piece.

Well, obviously you're still upset with him about your injury.

Shouldn't you be inside, resting that knee?

Yeah. But if it wasn't for my dad, I wouldn't have to rest it at all.

You know, Brad, you remind me of an Iban tribesman.

Yeah. I get that all the time.

You see, the Iban live in Borneo.

And they believe that evil spirits are the cause of all their misfortunes.

So, every night they dance and they put on

these strange wooden masks

to drive the evil spirits away.

So, what does that have to do with me?

Well, like the Iban, we'd all like to believe

that outside forces are the cause of all of our problems.

It gives rationality to our universe.

But the truth is, sometimes accidents just happen.

So, you're saying that it's not my dad's fault that I tripped.

And it was more or less bad luck?

Yeah, I suppose so.

I think the thing to do is just hope for the best

and be open to exploring new paths.

You know, the British author, J.M. Barrie said,

"A man's life is like a diary in which he means to write one story,

"but ends up writing another."

Yeah, I know. But, Wilson, I mean, soccer's always been part of my life.

You know, it's, like, who I am.

If you go to my school, you can ask anybody.

I'm Brad the soccer dude.

But you can also be Brad the nuclear-physicist dude.

Or Brad the animal-husbandry dude.

Yeah. But I don't know anything about physics.

And I really don't want to know what it's like to be an animal's husband.

You know, Brad, all I'm saying is,

there's a whole world out there for you to explore.

So, there's gonna be a lot of opportunities for me?

Yes, exactly. That's the spirit.

Let me ask you something. Aside from soccer,

have you thought about what you want to focus on in college?

Oh, yeah. I think about it all the time.

Besides girls?

Then, no.

Well, that was quite a night for you.

Yup.

Saginaw Cheese's Car Guy of the Year

for an unprecedented three years running.

And I just can't seem to enjoy it.

Oh, come on, Tim. They immortalized you in Gouda.

Yeah, but with Brad so mad at me, this trophy of cheese

seems almost meaningless.

- Hey, Mom. - Hey.

Hey, Dad.

So, you decided to go to the party after all?

Yeah. What smells so good?

My head.

- Cool. How'd the banquet go? - It was great.

Three years running, I'm the champ.

The Lifetime A-cheese-ment Award, everything.

I met Mrs. Cheese, the Muenster twins, everybody was there.

You sound like you're in a better mood.

Yeah. I just realized I was blaming you

because I was seeking rationality in my universe.

That's some pretty heavy thinking.

Well, you know me. I'm very deep.

- You been talking to Wilson? - Yeah, that, too.

Well, I'm glad you're not mad at your dad anymore.

Yeah. I was just mad at the situation.

I mean, it's really nobody's fault.

That shows a lot of maturity, the way you're working through this.

You know, I really should put your father's head in the refrigerator.

I'm just sorry you got to go through any of this, Brad.

Yeah. Me, too.

But I just have to use this injury as an opportunity to think about my future.

Your future. You got a lot of options!

I know. But then why do I feel sick to my stomach?

Well, because it's kind of scary,

thinking of your life going in an opposite direction

than it was before this, you know?

Yeah, I never thought I'd have to think about this now.

I figured I'd be playing soccer well into my 60s.

Yeah. The only soccer player out there in a walker.

I'll get it. Hold on, I'll get it.

It's too big.

You guys are just gonna have to eat through the cranium tonight.

- Good night, sweetie. - Good night.

I'll be right up.

What were we talking about?

We were talking about what I want to do with my life.

Well, you're 17 years old.

I don't think we gotta figure that out right now, do we?

Yeah. Well, that's easy for you to say.

You knew what you were gonna do.

No, I didn't.

I figured I was gonna be a Binford salesman the rest of my life.

I never figured I'd be the head guy on a tool show.

Or would that be the big cheese?

Or the head cheese.

Look, I don't know what your future's gonna bring and neither do you.

I just know that if you work hard like you do at soccer,

you can be good at anything, Brad.

Yeah, I hope so.

- Listen, I'm sorry I was such a jerk. - It's okay, it's okay.

- I'm hungry. You? - Yeah, I'm starving.

Hey, how about... I don't know...

Macaroni and cheeks?

How about some nose and crackers?

I like it.

I'll get a knife, I'll cut the cheese.

Slowly, honey.

How'd the physical therapy go?

It went great.

They said I'm healing really fast from surgery.

And they said I have a good chance of playing soccer again.

- All right! - Where's your dad?

Oh, he's out in the backyard.

I think he's got a little surprise for you.

No.

Check it out.

No, it's Binford's new experimental all-terrain chair.

Now you can heal at 40 miles an hour.

So you expect me to ride this thing around town.

It's great. Two-cylinder, 46 horsepower. This thing is wonderful.

All-wheel drive.

After this, we could go down to the rest home

and do some drag racing.

Old Man Brady's been talking trash again.

Steering is pretty intense.

You just point it where you want to go.

Hey, Brad, you want us to take... You want us to take you over to...

Hey, Brad, you want us to take...

Hey, Brad. You want us to...

Do you want us to drop you by...

It's gonna come out like that, see?

Hey, Brad. Do you want us to drop you by that Jim's soccer party?

Huh? You'd like to...

I'll get a knife, I'll cut the cheese.

I just did.

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