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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:01,560 You can throw a fast one. 2 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:14,560 How about it, kitten? What's the chance of a bit tonight? 3 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,800 Oh, why, yes, of course, boys. 4 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:20,880 I'll leave the front door open, and you can all troop in and give me a jab. 5 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,080 Not up to it, then? 6 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:27,840 You innocent, shovel-wielding, horny-handed sons of the native sod. 7 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:30,800 Not many people are, munchkin. 8 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,880 Not many people can take the tale of Patrick Braden... 9 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,680 a.k.a. Saint Kitten... 10 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:40,920 who strutted the catwalks, face lit by a halo of flashbulbs... 11 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:44,440 as, "Oh!" she shrieked, "I told you, from my best side, darlings." 12 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,480 I was born, you see, munchkin... 13 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,360 in a small town near the Irish border. 14 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,680 I was left in a basket on a certain doorstep... 15 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,680 and only the robins knew why. 16 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,040 Oh, but then, they knew everybody's business. 17 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,640 Those red-breasted busybodies. 18 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:06,240 Every secret behind every lace-curtain window. 19 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,920 Uh-oh, behind you 20 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,800 This looks like trouble 21 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:43,280 Oh dear! 22 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:46,920 Let's go 23 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,960 Robins! Would you believe it, Father? Pecking at the cream. 24 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,520 I suppose it's Christmas morning, after all. 25 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,640 Is your breakfast all right? 26 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,520 Well, I'll get ready for Mass, so. God bless. 27 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:48,680 God bless. 28 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,800 He hasn't been himself lately, so. 29 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:03,000 -No, he hasn't been himself at all... -Since the blonde housekeeper left 30 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:07,000 The one that looked like the film star... with the bubble-cut curls 31 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,120 Mitzi Gaynor! 32 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,200 -Just the job. -Mr. Steed? 33 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,160 -Cutex coral pink. -Yes. 34 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,880 What a charming atmosphere you have here. 35 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,480 -Do you mind? -Not at all. 36 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,120 -Thank you. -Will you have a love seat? 37 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:34,720 The love seat? Why not? 38 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,120 Mr. Lovejoy will see you in a moment. 39 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,480 He's just congratulating one of our happy couples. 40 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,280 -How very encouraging. -Yes. 41 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,520 Perhaps you'd like a glass of champers? 42 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,000 -Champers? Now you're talking. -Or... 43 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,680 -a piece of wedding cake? -No, thank you. I've just had breakfast. 44 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:55,080 Mr. Steed? 45 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,360 My good shoes! My good shoes, you little brat! 46 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:03,200 Do it harder, Mammy. Teach him not to wear my dress again. 47 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,600 He'll make a disgrace of us? Well, you'll not! 48 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,040 Do you really have to? 49 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,280 I'll march you up and down the street and disgrace you in front of the whole town. 50 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:11,280 Promise? 51 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,720 Hit him with it, Ma! Give him the brush again! 52 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,680 -Say, "I am not a girl." -I'm not a girl. 53 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,640 -"I am a boy. I'm not a girl." -I'm a boy, not a girl. 54 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:19,840 Say it right. 55 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,080 Make him say it right, Ma. 56 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:24,400 My heart broke from the cursed day I ever took you in. 57 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,480 A short one by Gareth Carey, up along the far wing to Tony Haddon. 58 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,920 Tony Haddon, 40 yards out now, from the.... 59 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,240 Off he goes then, the ball across him towards the center. 60 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:35,200 And coming, Alfred Whitney. He's capped there. 61 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,240 Well down over his eyes is Nick Brady. 62 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:38,920 The ball comes over. Who's got it? Reid Morgan. 63 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,400 Reid Morgan gets the 35-yard.... 64 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,760 Brother Barnabas says he'll try you on the football team... 65 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:44,400 and I want you to read this. 66 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,600 Heading high and to the right, and yes, it is.... 67 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,560 It's gone over the bar for the first goal of the game. 68 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:50,960 Paddy Gardy. 69 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:55,840 The first goal of the game. Paddy Gardy took one from this side. 70 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:59,400 It had a curl on it, and one had to wait until the umpires gave their decision... 71 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,240 as to whether it was in or not. It was. 72 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:02,560 And I call my mother names. 73 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,400 Well, you know, you shouldn't do that, my son. 74 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,400 What do you call her? 75 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,000 Hairy Arse. 76 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:14,000 Hairy Arse and Bockedy Hole. And Cunthooks. 77 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,320 -Stay where you are! You must not proceed. -Jesus! 78 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,840 You must not curse. If you curse, you'll be exterminated. 79 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:31,880 Holy fuck! 80 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,760 You've been warned, earthling. Now you must die! 81 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,240 No, Dalek, please. 82 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:45,960 -Sausages, sausages, stay where you are. -Yes, yes, of course! Please don't shoot! 83 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:49,280 -Lawrence, come on. -Not now, I'm busy. I'm busy. 84 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,360 -Come on. -I'm busy. 85 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,000 Oh, figgly boogles, I'm dead. 86 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:56,880 Die for Ireland? 87 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,400 I'm sorry, but it appeared to me... 88 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:00,240 that someone here had taken leave of their senses. 89 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,040 Are you playing the game or not, Braden? 90 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:05,720 Me play! Dying for Ireland. Earthling, stay where you are! 91 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,200 Well, come on, Englishman, a bullet, please. 92 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,440 And next up is the dashing Feely... 93 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:19,040 sporting a smoking jacket, fedora hat, and sunglasses by Gucci. 94 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:20,320 Madam. 95 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,360 The man himself. 96 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,440 -Your mother will be back in a while. -Oh. 97 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,240 So how's Patrick and the Braden household? 98 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:37,480 They're well, Mr. Feely. 99 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,040 Especially my mother, wherever she is. 100 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,440 So someone's told you something, Patrick? 101 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,160 They don't have to. 102 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,440 Hairy Arse Braden tells me every day. 103 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:51,920 Patrick, now.... 104 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,320 I'm sorry, Mr. Feely. 105 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,720 You know, I saw her once, your real mother... 106 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,280 long after the day she left. 107 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:09,480 It was in London. 108 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,400 I was doing work for Genie McQuillan. 109 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,760 I was going home through Piccadilly... 110 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,160 and there, passing by, was Eily Bergin. 111 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,480 Lovely as the day she left, I swear it to God. 112 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:30,360 Did you talk to her, Mr. Feely? 113 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,120 What did she say? 114 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,360 I shouted after her, Patrick, but she didn't hear. 115 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:38,280 London swallowed her up. 116 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,400 The most beautiful girl in the town. 117 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,640 Biggest city in the world... 118 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,240 it swallowed my mother up. 119 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,560 What about my father, Mr. Feely? 120 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:56,040 I wouldn't know about that, son. Things be complicated, you know. 121 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,120 What did she look like? 122 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,680 Mitzi Gaynor, son. 123 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,560 That's who she looked like, Mitzi. 124 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,680 Mitzi Gaynor. 125 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:14,600 Well, fuck me pink with a hairy arse! 126 00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:28,920 In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. 127 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,720 You see, once upon a time... 128 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,120 there was a young girl named Eily Bergin... 129 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:53,120 who looked not unlike the well-known film star Mitzi Gaynor... 130 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,480 who sang I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair. 131 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,440 And she went to London, the biggest city in the world... 132 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,160 which swallowed her up. 133 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,320 But before she vanished... 134 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,520 I think she worked as a priest's housekeeper, Father. 135 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,400 But I could be wrong there, couldn't I? 136 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,960 I mean, I could be wrong. After all, I.... 137 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,000 All I wanted was her address. 138 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,840 There between the Po and the Apennines, boys... 139 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,840 the climate is always the same. 140 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:36,600 The landscape never changes... 141 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:39,680 and in country like this you can stop along any road for a moment... 142 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:43,440 and look at a farmhouse sitting in the middle of maize and hemp... 143 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,840 and immediately a story is born. 144 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,480 Now, when you're writing your essay for me this morning... 145 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,920 whatever form it takes is up to you. 146 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:57,240 It can be called "I Fought in the Easter Rising"... 147 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,360 "I Was Dracula's Girlfriend"... 148 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,080 or even "A Day in the Life of an Old Boot". 149 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,360 You've got one hour, so learn to write. 150 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:32,800 "God bless us. 151 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:35,320 "It's yourself"... 152 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,160 -God bless us. It's yourself, ma'am. -It is indeed, Father. 153 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,360 ...remarked... 154 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:45,200 randy Father Liam... 155 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,440 as he opened the door... 156 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,640 to a young woman... 157 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,680 who bore a startling resemblance... 158 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,480 to Mitzi Gaynor. 159 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,200 So you are the replacement for Mrs. McGlynn? 160 00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,800 I am indeed, Father. 161 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,320 Destroyed with the lumbago, she is. Destroyed, and that's a fact. 162 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,760 But sure she'll be back on her feet soon, please God. 163 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,480 Please God she will, now. 164 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,080 But tell me this... 165 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:12,120 have I begun to dote... 166 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,320 or do you remind me of someone special? 167 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,840 When she sensed a movement... 168 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,840 underneath his black serge trousers. 169 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,920 Oh, Father, please, how could I? 170 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,320 When I've gone out of my way... 171 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:30,200 knowing that your dicky doodle, naughty poopster that he is... 172 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,160 given the slightest encouragement... 173 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,080 would be only too eager to get up to mischief... 174 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:36,480 Down, boy! Naughty dicky... 175 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:40,160 to camouflage myself and look like any ordinary old curate's drudge. 176 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:43,840 "And most definitely not... 177 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,320 "a perfume-sprayed vision... 178 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,400 "named Mitzi Gaynor... 179 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:54,360 "with a head of bubble-cut curls... 180 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:59,160 "that would make any man's privates go sprong. " 181 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,000 I've got the standard uniform, Father. 182 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,600 The blue housecoat with the bow at the back... 183 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,760 the tan stockings, color of stale tea... 184 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,880 the old hairnet, which says to all them Mickies... 185 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,880 whose duty it is to stay inside and wear black serge... 186 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,800 "No Mickies today. 187 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,560 "Down, boys. That's it, my sweets, off with you and say your prayers." 188 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,400 Breakfast, Father? 189 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,920 By God, and now you're talking. 190 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:24,480 Mickey is devious... 191 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,000 and no matter how much you tell him... 192 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,760 he simply won't stay down. 193 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,360 But drab old housecoats... 194 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,880 and tea-colored stockings might well have kept him down... 195 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,160 if it wasn't for that pesky spot of grease. 196 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,440 Oh, this is powerful altogether. 197 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,880 I would do jail for another rasher. Do you know that, Eily? 198 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,640 I'll fry you some more this minute, then, Father. 199 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,880 Come here till I tell you. Did you hear the one about peanuts at confession? 200 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,920 No, Father. At least I don't think so. 201 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,320 Says the priest to the young fellow, "Did you throw peanuts in the river, too?" 202 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:06,040 To which the young lad says, "No, Father, I am Peanuts." 203 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,880 Not a very funny joke... 204 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,080 but she laughed and she laughed. 205 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:21,680 In fact, you could say she laughed until she cried. 206 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,640 My skirt and housecoat are riding up. 207 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,240 Better abort this task at once... 208 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:30,680 or we could have an exploding clergyman filling the air with pent-up sexual energy. 209 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:31,760 Oh, no! 210 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,800 -Priest grows wings in latest miracle. -Eily! 211 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:38,160 "When she found herself enveloped by his skirts. " 212 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,400 Now, Father, is this another joke? 213 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:43,920 That hurt, Father. 214 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:48,200 Frank Sinatra wouldn't do this, Father. Neither would Vic Damone. 215 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:50,840 I'm all wet, Father. 216 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,400 What are you doing down there, Father? 217 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,760 Are you playing squidgy with my Fairy Liquid? 218 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,800 But she was soon to realize... 219 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,400 it wasn't Fairy Liquid he'd been playing with down there. 220 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,840 The end. 221 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:08,680 No... 222 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,240 it wasn't Fairy Liquid at all. 223 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:18,880 "...privates go sprong." 224 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,160 "Privates go...." 225 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:22,640 How dare you? 226 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,720 When I said, "develop your literary skills"... 227 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,520 I did not, repeat, not, mean this. 228 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,200 Why did you write it? 229 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,840 I thought there was a moral, sir. A lesson, if you will. 230 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,840 Young girls in mortal danger. 231 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,400 Get out of this classroom, Braden! To the Dean's office! 232 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,920 Hello, class. My name is Miss Kitten... 233 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,600 and I'd like to tell you about the perils of being a priest's housekeeper... 234 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,440 especially when you look like Mitzi Gaynor. 235 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,880 Hands up who can tell me who Mitzi Gaynor is. 236 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,320 So, you see, Patrick, we're on your side. 237 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,600 We're here to help you. I don't think you understand that. 238 00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,480 Well, no, you're wrong, Father. I do. 239 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:03,320 So, if you can think of anything that would help us to help you, well.... 240 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:05,920 Well... 241 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,240 there is one thing, Father. 242 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,560 -Instead of PE... -Yeah. 243 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:17,680 ...I could take Home Economics and Needlework class. 244 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,800 And you think that would help you... 245 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:24,560 knuckle down and apply yourself? 246 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:29,840 What's that, Patrick? 247 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,320 Oh, and you can call me Kitten, Father. 248 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:34,320 Kitten? 249 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,920 Yes, Patrick Kitten Braden, after Saint Kitten. 250 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,600 Well, now, there was no Saint Kitten, Patrick. 251 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,880 Oh, no, but there was a Saint Cettin, Father... 252 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,880 and some have been known to call him... 253 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,840 or was it a her... 254 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:53,120 Kitten. 255 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:56,640 Saint Kitten? 256 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,320 He or she was an acolyte of Saint Patrick. 257 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:04,640 Wore a dress. As did Saint Patrick, actually. A hairy dress. 258 00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,120 Quite ruined her complexion. 259 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,760 And they're for your sister, Patrick? 260 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:15,080 Oh, she really needs a bit of glamour in her life, Mrs. Coyle. 261 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:18,920 But then again, don't we all? 262 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:23,120 The trouble broke out as the Minister of State for Northern Ireland, Mr. Channon... 263 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,720 was visiting Derry to see businessmen there... 264 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,920 for the second time inside a month. 265 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,000 Jesus, Mammy, I'm exhausted. 266 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:33,600 At least you have a job... 267 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,920 which is more than that waster yonder is ever likely to have. 268 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,880 Now, one more complaint from that school... 269 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,680 and it'll not be good for you, by Christ, it'll not. 270 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:43,600 Oh, Mammy? 271 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,560 Do you have the price of the dance and a cup of coffee? 272 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:50,000 Price of the dance and a cup of coffee? 273 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,560 Price of the dance and a cup of coffee? 274 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,240 Well, do you think I'm made of money? 275 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,240 Do you think I'm made of money? 276 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:58,960 Will you just hand over the cash? 277 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,400 Will you just fork out the money... 278 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,200 and stop blathering, you fucking whiskery old whore. 279 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,000 Here. And don't ask me again. 280 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,880 Well, thank you so much, Mammy. Thank you so much. 281 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,480 -No. No, no, no, no, no. -Why not? 282 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,280 I'm not obliged to give you any reasons, but I'll give you two anyway. 283 00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:58,720 Him and her. 284 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:00,680 Don't have to stand for this, do we, Paddy? 285 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,680 Oh, Paddy's her name. Well, that's reason number three. 286 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:06,120 -Did you ever ride a man, Lukie? -No, but I rode a man that did. 287 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:08,160 Fuck you. 288 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:09,880 -Evening. -How you doing? 289 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,480 Mikey, go get the lads. 290 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,360 I'm warning you, get out of here! 291 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,600 Fuck them and their Rob Strong. We'll go to the glen. 292 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,960 Excuse me. Can we have a lift? 293 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:37,520 Get on. 294 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:39,800 Moving out. 295 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,960 Druids, man. We're like the Border Knights. 296 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,080 Knew all about the space-time continuum. 297 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,960 -No, Lawrence! No. Excuse me, please. -Open his eyes. 298 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,640 -What do you see, bro? -Sausages. 299 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:17,520 No stars? 300 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,600 Stars and sausages. 301 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:24,240 Now you're talking. 302 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,400 Gotta get behind the surface. 303 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,120 Yes, surface. 304 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:33,160 I see four green fields, Brits in one of them. 305 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:37,240 -Not for fucking long. -Hey, no politics, man. 306 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,640 Border Knights don't allow them. 307 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,480 Jams the astral highway. 308 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,480 So why do you call yourselves the Border Knights? 309 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,360 Because the only border that matters... 310 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,880 is the one between what's in front... 311 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,480 and what you've left behind. 312 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,800 When I ride my hog, you think I'm riding the road? 313 00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,000 No way, man. 314 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:03,080 I'm traveling from the past into the future with a druid at my back. 315 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,000 -Druid man or druid woman? -That doesn't matter. 316 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:12,760 What matters is the journey. 317 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,960 -You know where it goes, baby? -Where? 318 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:23,040 We'll visit the stars and journey to Mars 319 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:25,720 Finding our breakfast 320 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,480 On Pluto 321 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:30,720 Pluto? 322 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,080 Pluto. 323 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:37,720 No, not Pluto the dog. Pluto the planet. 324 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:43,320 Named by Percival Lowell and William H. Pickering... 325 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,360 after the invisible king of the underworld. 326 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,440 You think about that. 327 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:08,440 Oh, kiss me, Joseph. Kiss me, Joseph Hanratty. 328 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,160 I'll beat your fucking.... 329 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:19,320 Now, boys and girls... 330 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:23,080 a retreat is time for prayer and reflection. 331 00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:27,000 Some of you may have already noticed that your bodies are... 332 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,600 going through some changes... 333 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:33,200 and I would like you to feel free to approach us... 334 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:35,800 about any problem that concerns you. 335 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:39,520 So, I will leave this problem box... 336 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,200 here by the altar rails. 337 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,280 No problem should be precluded. 338 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:49,200 After all, that is why we are here. 339 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:53,680 Now, does everyone remember last week we were talking about.... 340 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,440 You'll not bring my retreat into disrepute, do you hear me? 341 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,880 How dare it. How dare you, you pup, you.... 342 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,120 Sir, you're hurting me. 343 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:15,520 -What did you write on the paper, Patrick? -Nothing. 344 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:16,720 Nothing. 345 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:20,360 Just, did he know any place that does a good sex change? 346 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:39,520 Disgraced! 347 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:42,880 Disgraced in front of the whole town, so we are! Oh, Jesus! 348 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,880 How could you do it, Paddy? Mammy has a bad heart! 349 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:48,600 -And now you've broken it. -Oh, God, oh, God! 350 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,920 Oh, Jesus Christ. My arm! 351 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:53,800 -She's not my mammy. -What did you say? 352 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:57,880 I'm sorry, Caz. Sorry, Mammy, wherever you are. 353 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,120 Oh, stop it, Patrick, please! 354 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,480 Why won't you stop it and let us get on with our lives? 355 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:04,960 I'm sorry, Caz. I never meant to hurt you. 356 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:08,320 -After all, we've both been through this-- -Get away! 357 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:10,520 Get your hands off me, you creature! 358 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,160 Oh, figgly boogles. What's the point? 359 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,320 That's it, I've tried my best. I'm off. 360 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,800 Are you going to Scotsfield, by any chance? 361 00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:37,080 We'd better be. We're playing there tonight. Get in the back. 362 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:43,440 Hello. 363 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,240 What do you think of this trouble up North? 364 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:03,320 -Oh, I think it's an absolute terror. -Do you think so, yeah? 365 00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:06,320 Oh, I do it. A terror to the living world, so it is. 366 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,480 I don't think you care either way... 367 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:10,560 my good-Iooking young friend. 368 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,800 No, I know how serious it is. 369 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,360 They think they can break us, don't they? 370 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:19,840 Hang Paddy from the ceiling. Fuck him from a helicopter. 371 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:22,240 Give him a dose of white noise. 372 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,640 Shove electrodes up his arse. 373 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:28,360 -Now, really, Mr.-- -Hatchett. They call me Billy Hatchett. 374 00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,800 Pleased to meet you, Mr. Hatchett. 375 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,320 You really don't know who I am, do you? 376 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:37,520 I haven't had the pleasure. 377 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:41,960 Do you hear that, lads? He's never heard of Billy Hatchett and the Mohawks. 378 00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:29,120 So, have you somewhere to stay tonight, Paddy? 379 00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:32,440 Or should I call you Patrick? 380 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,560 You can call me Kitten, darling. 381 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:37,720 Kitten? 382 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:40,600 After Saint Cettin. 383 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,320 He or she was an acolyte of Patrick, Saint Patrick. 384 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,440 So you have somewhere to stay, then? 385 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,440 Mammy threw me out, I'm afraid. 386 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:55,080 Well, I could always put you up in the van. 387 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:58,720 -It's not much, but I could. -Mr. Hatchett! 388 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:05,200 Thank you. 389 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:10,280 You're welcome, Kitten. 390 00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:17,240 I'll be off to the hotel, then, Kitten. 391 00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:23,320 I'd stay the night. I'd stay the night, but the boys.... 392 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,400 The boys might get the wrong idea. 393 00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:27,160 No, I've gotta go. 394 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,800 -I've gotta go. -Oh, please don't go just yet. 395 00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:33,120 Oh, Kitten. I gotta go. I really have. 396 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:38,560 Billy! Billy, Billy. 397 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:46,000 It's Bobby Goldsboro. 398 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:50,280 Used to help me get to sleep. 399 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:55,560 His wife dies. You see, she dies when he's away from home. 400 00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:01,080 -Oh, Kitten, I've gotta go now. -Billy. 401 00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:02,360 I really have. 402 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:06,960 If you were away with the band... 403 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:12,480 and you came home and you found me lying there... 404 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,840 like Bobby's wife.... 405 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,120 What about it? 406 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:25,960 -Would you take me to the hospital? -Oh, of course I would. 407 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:27,800 Of course I would, Kitten. 408 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,680 Oh, I wish that could happen. 409 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:35,000 I've seen it all now. I tell you, I've fucking well seen it all now. 410 00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:36,760 Where the fuck do you think he disappeared to... 411 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:38,720 when we were in San Francisco? 412 00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:41,560 I'd even bring you flowers. 413 00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:47,000 -Roses? -Roses. 414 00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:50,720 Oh, Billy. 415 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:52,480 Oh, Kitten. 416 00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:54,240 Billy. 417 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:02,040 For I ask you, Billy Bobby, nicest man... 418 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,640 what's an Indian band without a squaw? 419 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:08,120 "A squaw?" 420 00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:30,400 -Name, please? -Paddy Kitten. What's yours, darling? 421 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:33,080 I could tell you were a Paddy all right. 422 00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:44,360 -What about Geronimo? -What would I know? I'm just a Mick. 423 00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:47,800 Thirteen of your lot shot in Derry. What do you know about that? 424 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:50,600 Maybe you'd know about thirteen less to deal with. 425 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,040 Fuck off, mate. 426 00:32:57,480 --> 00:32:58,800 Fuck off. 427 00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:32,760 Get off the fucking stage, you stupid bitch. 428 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:46,760 Patrick, I don't know how to say this to you. 429 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:49,680 It's the boys, the boys in the band. 430 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,520 They feel a squaw just isn't working out. 431 00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:55,640 It could be they have a point. 432 00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:58,240 They say it doesn't feel right. 433 00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:01,400 I don't know, they've been with me so long and.... 434 00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:03,480 I'm sorry. 435 00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:05,880 But I have a little proposal. 436 00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:09,080 -A ring, perhaps? -Oh, Patrick, Patrick.... 437 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:13,480 I told you not to call me that. 438 00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:16,760 I'm sorry, Kitten. 439 00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:24,960 Bobby Billy, would you bring me sweeties, too? 440 00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:26,680 You know I would. 441 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:30,080 -What kind would they be? -Oh, for the love of Jesus. 442 00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:33,360 -No. No, Quality Street. -Quality Street? 443 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:54,360 It was my mother's. She left it to me in her will. 444 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:58,240 Nobody stays here, and I need somebody to look after it, Kitten. 445 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:02,080 -What do you reckon? -House of dreams and longing. 446 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:06,160 I wouldn't exactly call it a house, but tell us what you think. 447 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:17,080 Oh, to have a little house. To own the hearth, stool and all. 448 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:21,840 So, Kitten, can I come and visit you every now and again? 449 00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:26,280 Of course you can, you great, big, silly Bobby Goldsboro. 450 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:28,440 You don't even have to ask. 451 00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:08,840 Well, goodness gracious, icky-oakie me. 452 00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:36,320 -What? -What's with Diana Ross? 453 00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:38,120 Leave him be, he knows nothing. 454 00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:40,040 -Keep it that way. -No problem. 455 00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:09,720 If I volunteer, Irwin, could I have pink glasses, please? 456 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,000 Can't you take anything serious? 457 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:15,080 Oh, serious, serious, serious. 458 00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:17,360 You might have to soon enough. 459 00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:21,320 So fucking what, Charlie? I sell Republican News. 460 00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:24,240 A few fucking papers, big deal. What are you, my fucking wife? 461 00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:26,960 Don't you lie to me, Irwin. I don't believe your stories. 462 00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:31,000 I'm involved in nothing! I sell their paper, for all the difference it makes in this kip. 463 00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:32,680 Nobody gives a fuck! 464 00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:33,920 Soon enough they fucking will. 465 00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:36,520 If I find out you're lying to me, I'll finish with you, I swear! 466 00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:39,440 Yeah, well, finish it with me, see if I fucking care! 467 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:49,880 Come on, move off the road. There's a vehicle coming through. 468 00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:52,040 Get back. It's for your own safety. 469 00:37:56,720 --> 00:37:58,840 Get these people off the street! 470 00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:02,200 I want everyone to move away from the red van! 471 00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:04,560 Come on, folks. Stand back, please. Move! 472 00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:07,400 Bring it down careful now. Yeah, gently. 473 00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:10,800 -Please, move back. -Move back. 474 00:38:11,240 --> 00:38:14,080 Now let the Army go to work. Get back, now, get back. 475 00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:16,960 Move back and clear the area. 476 00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:19,480 -There may be other devices. -You're to get away now. Get back, now. 477 00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:21,720 Get away from the street. Get off the street now. 478 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,400 Clear this area for your own safety. 479 00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:24,520 Move back. 480 00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:27,800 -It's a Dalek. Exterminate. -Lawrence! 481 00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:31,920 Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate. 482 00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:33,520 Exterminate. 483 00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:04,520 Dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return... 484 00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,560 until the Lord raises you up on the last day. 485 00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:11,120 Let us pray for our brother Lawrence to our Lord Jesus Christ... 486 00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:15,040 who said, "I am the resurrection, and the life. 487 00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:18,240 "The man who believes in me will live even if he dies." 488 00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:23,240 Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. 489 00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:24,960 Thy kingdom come... 490 00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:27,800 thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. 491 00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:30,200 Give us this day our daily bread. 492 00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:01,800 Serious, serious. 493 00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:04,640 Time for some serious spring cleaning. 494 00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:09,480 Fuck. 495 00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:12,440 Don't you know what this means? 496 00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:14,960 Do you know what these guys are like, Paddy? 497 00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:18,120 -Don't let this come between us, Billy. -Shut up! 498 00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:23,160 Jesus, what the fuck am I gonna do? 499 00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:28,160 -Fucking Jesus! -Tell them I was spring cleaning, darling. 500 00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:31,440 Where are they, Paddy? Tell me, where are they? 501 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:33,680 Now, what is this you mean, my darling? 502 00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:36,280 The guns, you little fucking whore, where are they? 503 00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:39,320 The guns! It's all too fucking serious! Don't go fucking me around. 504 00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:42,000 Oh, all of a sudden everybody's getting serious. 505 00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:43,800 Serious, serious, serious. 506 00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:45,600 I'm not fucking joking, Patrick! 507 00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:48,680 -Where are they? -I told you to call me Kitten. 508 00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:59,040 Don't fucking know me. 509 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:00,840 You don't know where I've gone. 510 00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:04,240 And if they come, if they fucking come, you tell them nothing. 511 00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:07,000 -I mean nothing. -Whatever you say, darling. 512 00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:09,360 You're way out of your league, Patrick. 513 00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,440 You don't know what you're dealing with. Don't fucking know. 514 00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:15,520 Oh, I do. I know, all right. 515 00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:18,840 I know you were only joking about the roses... 516 00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:20,800 and sweets, too, probably. 517 00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:27,880 But it was nice while it lasted. 518 00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:48,280 Are you happy now? 519 00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:50,840 Are you happy now that you got what you wanted? 520 00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:52,920 Now that they've bombed down here? 521 00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:55,120 Are your Republican friends good and happy... 522 00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:57,240 now they can see what they've done? 523 00:41:57,640 --> 00:41:59,760 What the fuck are you talking about? 524 00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:02,520 It had nothing to do with Republicans. 525 00:42:03,360 --> 00:42:06,320 What the fuck would they bomb a southern town for, huh? 526 00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:09,680 You hear me, Charlie? 527 00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:12,840 And if you want out, just say so. 528 00:42:38,240 --> 00:42:39,480 Open the door. 529 00:42:40,640 --> 00:42:44,160 -I can't, go away. Come back in the morning. -Open it, bitch! This is serious! 530 00:42:44,240 --> 00:42:47,640 -Open the fucking door! -Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm coming. 531 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,560 -Where did he put them? -I'm afraid I don't understand. 532 00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:12,240 The guns, nancy boy. Where did he put the guns? 533 00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:13,560 Oh, yes, the guns. 534 00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:17,080 Oh, Billy buried them outside just to be safe. 535 00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:18,200 Go. 536 00:43:21,240 --> 00:43:23,280 There's no fucking guns down here. 537 00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:27,720 -I think they might just be... -The little cunt! 538 00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:29,280 -He's taking the hand out of us. -...over here. 539 00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:32,040 I'll nut him! I swear to God I'll nut him! 540 00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:36,400 Say goodbye to my friends, will you? 541 00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:38,640 Charlie lives in Sunbeam Heights and Irwin's up The Backs. 542 00:43:38,720 --> 00:43:39,720 Irwin who? 543 00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:41,080 Why, Irwin Kerr, of course. 544 00:43:41,120 --> 00:43:43,960 -The big-time Volunteer. -How do you know Irwin Kerr? 545 00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:46,840 Oh, nothing. Never mind. Well, come on then. 546 00:43:47,040 --> 00:43:50,320 Just do it. I've nothing left to live for in this stupid, serious world. 547 00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:51,360 Oh, fuck him. 548 00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:53,840 Leave him be. He's not worth the bullet, the mental nancy boy. 549 00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:56,680 Oh, what is it with nancy boys that you can't be bothered killing them? 550 00:43:56,760 --> 00:43:58,640 -You kill everyone else. -Look, I'm fucking warning you. 551 00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:01,160 Do you know what you're doing here? Are you on dope or what? 552 00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:04,160 Wish that I was, Mr. Killing Man. Why, do you have any? 553 00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:06,800 You're way out of your league, sunshine. 554 00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:08,920 Not that again. "Out of your league, out of your league." 555 00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:11,000 "Oh, you're in over your head. You're in over your head." 556 00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:12,480 Oh, for heaven's sake! 557 00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:14,960 Surely you've one bullet to spare between yous. 558 00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:16,680 Bollocks! 559 00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:26,680 -Where are we going? -You hit us, we hit you. 560 00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:28,680 -It's simple. -Right. 561 00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:31,400 The bomb was made up here and driven across the border. 562 00:44:31,480 --> 00:44:34,040 Wee Bobby Anderson. Likes killing Catholics. 563 00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:36,200 It'll be the last fucking bomb he'll make. 564 00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,440 Turn the lights off. Keep it running. 565 00:45:06,600 --> 00:45:07,920 Oh, Lord. 566 00:45:24,520 --> 00:45:26,720 Get us the fuck out of here, will you? 567 00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:29,720 -What's the smell? -He shat himself. 568 00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:31,400 You not toilet trained? 569 00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:36,400 What do you think you are, Kerr? What the fuck do you think this is? 570 00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:42,800 Tell me you're not serious. 571 00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:45,400 You see, there is that word again. It's everywhere. 572 00:45:45,480 --> 00:45:47,800 But you don't know a soul in London, Paddy. 573 00:45:47,880 --> 00:45:50,120 There's only one soul I need, Charlie. 574 00:45:54,240 --> 00:45:56,120 You really think you'll find her? 575 00:45:56,160 --> 00:45:58,160 How many Eily Bergins can there be? 576 00:45:58,240 --> 00:46:00,080 Maybe she's changed her name. 577 00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:02,800 She won't have changed her eyes, Irwin. 578 00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:07,280 How will you get by? 579 00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:12,680 Saint Anthony will guide me. 580 00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:16,880 The thing is, you come to the city that never sleeps... 581 00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:19,160 and you think it's open all the time, but it does sleep. 582 00:47:19,240 --> 00:47:20,680 Excuse me? 583 00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:22,800 Of course it does. 584 00:47:22,880 --> 00:47:26,280 I'm looking for my mother, please. Eily Bergin. Phantom Lady. 585 00:47:28,320 --> 00:47:31,600 I've just got two Bergins for 1956. 586 00:47:31,680 --> 00:47:34,680 Bergin, Ellen, and Bergin with a simple initial E. 587 00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:37,920 Well, that's her. I mean, it has to be one of them. 588 00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:41,800 One's from Aldgate and the other's from East London. 589 00:47:44,520 --> 00:47:46,520 Will you be going back home after you've found her? 590 00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:49,520 Oh, yes, of course. Maybe she'll come with me. 591 00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:54,680 -And, son, will you promise me something? -Yes. 592 00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:59,400 -Take care of yourself. -Oh, I will, Mrs. Henderson. 593 00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:00,640 Thank you. 594 00:48:28,640 --> 00:48:31,400 No, mate, they knocked those houses down years ago. 595 00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:21,520 I'm.... 596 00:50:26,280 --> 00:50:27,600 The man himself. 597 00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:30,440 About time, too. 598 00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:36,480 Are you here for the job, kid? 599 00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:40,920 What job? 600 00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:42,640 This is showbiz, kid. You gotta be on the ball. 601 00:50:42,720 --> 00:50:45,000 You try that with Stephenson, now, you've no fucking chance. 602 00:50:45,080 --> 00:50:46,200 Who's Stephenson? 603 00:50:46,280 --> 00:50:49,520 He thinks he's in charge. RAF, my bollocks! I'll give him RAF. 604 00:50:49,600 --> 00:50:53,040 -You're Irish, you are. -Tyreelin, County Cavan. 605 00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:54,960 Well then, County Cavan... 606 00:50:55,440 --> 00:50:57,800 give us a song and you're home and dry. 607 00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:02,200 Underground, overground, wombling free 608 00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:04,440 The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we 609 00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:07,920 Good man, you have it. Now the dance, okay? Okay? 610 00:51:08,320 --> 00:51:09,600 I'm going in. 611 00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:14,160 Right. Hop, one. Hop, two. Hop, one, two, three. 612 00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:17,440 Flap, flap, flap. Okay? 613 00:51:17,520 --> 00:51:21,600 Go, go on. Hop, hop one, hop two, hop one, two, three. 614 00:51:22,640 --> 00:51:24,240 Flap, flap, flap. Right, ready? 615 00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:26,520 Right, hop one, hop two. 616 00:51:26,560 --> 00:51:29,080 For fuck's sake, will you hop right? One, two, three. 617 00:51:29,160 --> 00:51:32,320 Hop one, hop two. Hop, one, two, three. 618 00:51:33,720 --> 00:51:35,880 Flap, flap. Flap it out, flap it out. 619 00:51:36,800 --> 00:51:38,160 Sell it to me. 620 00:51:39,440 --> 00:51:42,640 Overground, underground, wombling free 621 00:51:42,720 --> 00:51:45,240 The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we 622 00:51:45,320 --> 00:51:47,160 Give him the drill, Bulgaria. 623 00:51:47,520 --> 00:51:50,480 Enough already. You take the croquet. Capisce? 624 00:51:50,560 --> 00:51:51,880 -Capisce. -I gotta wheel. 625 00:51:51,960 --> 00:51:53,760 Every morning, 9:00, be there. 626 00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:08,760 Bulgaria? 627 00:52:09,240 --> 00:52:11,080 I told you before, these are your responsibility. 628 00:52:11,160 --> 00:52:12,480 You're head Womble here. 629 00:52:12,560 --> 00:52:14,640 -Well, that's this.... Fuck! -Fuck! 630 00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:16,440 I'll give you RAF. 631 00:52:16,520 --> 00:52:17,920 I broke no fucking mallet! 632 00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:20,600 -I broke no fucking mallet! -Keep away from me. 633 00:52:20,960 --> 00:52:21,920 Put that down! 634 00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:24,680 I'll break it across your back, you bollocks! 635 00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:27,000 I'll bust it.... 636 00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:32,600 "You broke the mallet," he says. 637 00:52:32,640 --> 00:52:35,960 "I'll have to dock it from your pay." I broke no fucking mallet. 638 00:52:36,000 --> 00:52:37,400 You fucked me one last time. 639 00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:39,360 RAF, my bollocks! That's the end of the line! 640 00:52:39,440 --> 00:52:41,080 Enough of that, John Joe. 641 00:52:42,240 --> 00:52:43,520 Back off, motherfucker. 642 00:52:43,600 --> 00:52:45,120 You don't know what you're dealing with here! 643 00:52:45,200 --> 00:52:47,200 Back in the can, you wanna know what they used to say? 644 00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:49,800 "Stay away, man. He's out where the buses don't run!" 645 00:52:49,880 --> 00:52:53,280 -You're out of your league here, friend. -Oh, not that again. 646 00:52:54,120 --> 00:52:55,440 You have to show them where you stand. 647 00:52:55,520 --> 00:52:57,680 They fuck with you, you fuck with them. 648 00:52:57,760 --> 00:53:00,240 You fuck them so bad you make them wish they'd never been born. 649 00:53:00,320 --> 00:53:03,200 -You want another shot? -I'd love a Babycham. 650 00:53:03,760 --> 00:53:05,560 You got it, kemo sabe. 651 00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:09,040 Tommy, one Babycham, one Powers. 652 00:53:09,440 --> 00:53:10,480 Please. 653 00:53:10,560 --> 00:53:12,480 Two weeks' severance, in the paw. 654 00:53:12,520 --> 00:53:15,920 You fuck with John Joe Kenny, that's one time you fuck too many. 655 00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:17,920 He's from Cavan. 656 00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:20,600 So, where's Cavan? 657 00:53:20,680 --> 00:53:22,200 Next to Monaghan. 658 00:53:23,720 --> 00:53:26,640 I'm going for a womble. If you want to come, give us a shout, right? 659 00:53:26,720 --> 00:53:28,120 Really, Uncle Bulgaria. 660 00:53:28,200 --> 00:53:30,960 Underground, overground, wombling free 661 00:53:31,040 --> 00:53:34,160 The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we 662 00:53:34,240 --> 00:53:37,000 Underground, overground, wombling free 663 00:53:37,080 --> 00:53:39,440 I was a Womble one time. Did you know that? 664 00:53:42,400 --> 00:53:44,400 Hey, you can't sleep here, love. 665 00:53:45,360 --> 00:53:47,240 Have you got a home to go to? 666 00:53:48,720 --> 00:53:50,480 You can get a cab outside. 667 00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:56,240 Oh, I do believe I have a small, elfin dwelling on Wimbledon Common. 668 00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:07,840 Oi! 669 00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:10,680 You doing business, do it somewhere else, love. 670 00:54:10,760 --> 00:54:12,440 This pavement's got my name on it. 671 00:54:12,520 --> 00:54:14,760 What, pray, is your name? Concrete? 672 00:54:15,480 --> 00:54:18,320 My name is Scratch Your Eyes Out, Bite Your Bleeding Nose Off... 673 00:54:18,400 --> 00:54:21,200 which is what I'll do if you don't get off my patch. 674 00:54:22,240 --> 00:54:23,520 All right, lover? 675 00:54:24,320 --> 00:54:25,840 She giving you trouble, son? 676 00:54:25,920 --> 00:54:28,880 Oh, no trouble at all. We were just exchanging names. 677 00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:32,920 Go on, you fucking nancy boy! 678 00:54:33,080 --> 00:54:35,320 Don't fucking come back! 679 00:54:35,440 --> 00:54:39,280 And her name is Scratch Your Eyes Out and Bite Your Bleeding Nose Off. 680 00:54:39,360 --> 00:54:41,840 And my name is Patricia Kitten Braden. 681 00:54:42,040 --> 00:54:44,760 Pleased to meet you, Patricia Kitten Braden. 682 00:54:46,120 --> 00:54:48,000 Just what were you doing back there? 683 00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:50,000 I was looking for the Phantom Lady. 684 00:54:50,080 --> 00:54:51,960 You found the right street, then. 685 00:54:52,040 --> 00:54:54,880 Why, what's it called? Phantom Lady Street? 686 00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:58,400 You could call it that. And just who is this Phantom Lady? 687 00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:01,520 Well, it's my mother, really. I call her that. 688 00:55:01,640 --> 00:55:05,520 To pretend it's a story that's happening to someone else, you see. 689 00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:07,320 And why do you pretend that? 690 00:55:07,400 --> 00:55:10,040 Because otherwise I might cry and never stop. 691 00:55:10,400 --> 00:55:12,680 If you cried, I'd make you stop. 692 00:55:13,040 --> 00:55:14,440 Oh, you would? 693 00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:16,560 Oh, how kind, kind sir. 694 00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:19,600 Yes, I'd definitely make you stop. 695 00:55:24,440 --> 00:55:26,440 And just what is it you do, then? 696 00:55:26,800 --> 00:55:30,120 Oh, this and that. Showbiz, kind of. Singing. 697 00:55:31,040 --> 00:55:34,520 -What do you like to sing about? -I sing about true love. 698 00:55:35,200 --> 00:55:36,480 That's nice. 699 00:55:37,120 --> 00:55:38,680 Have you ever found it? 700 00:55:40,240 --> 00:55:42,600 I thought I had, once. 701 00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:47,320 Here's one about true love. 702 00:55:51,560 --> 00:55:53,040 Ever heard this one? 703 00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:56,240 Nice, isn't it? 704 00:55:56,960 --> 00:55:58,960 I just love love songs. 705 00:56:03,320 --> 00:56:04,440 Take it off. 706 00:56:06,640 --> 00:56:09,520 -Don't you like it? -Take it off, there's a good lad. 707 00:56:12,080 --> 00:56:13,880 As you wish, sir. 708 00:56:20,560 --> 00:56:23,000 -Now, isn't that more comfortable? -Yes, sir. 709 00:56:25,200 --> 00:56:28,080 Of course it is, my love-Ioving friend. 710 00:56:29,600 --> 00:56:32,760 Here, feel that. 711 00:56:37,040 --> 00:56:39,160 Good old-fashioned silk. 712 00:56:39,360 --> 00:56:42,240 -Here you are. -Thank you. 713 00:56:50,520 --> 00:56:51,800 It's beautiful. 714 00:56:54,920 --> 00:56:57,600 -You like it? -It's beautiful. 715 00:56:58,400 --> 00:56:59,640 Like it? 716 00:57:10,400 --> 00:57:14,360 But did true love save Kitten from the hands of the beast... 717 00:57:14,440 --> 00:57:16,720 in that worst of all fairy tales? 718 00:57:16,800 --> 00:57:19,480 No, what saved Kitten... 719 00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:22,000 was her precious perfume spray... 720 00:57:22,240 --> 00:57:25,960 bought for �2.99 in Roches Stores on Henry Street... 721 00:57:26,040 --> 00:57:28,760 before she left her beloved Emerald Isle. 722 00:57:38,960 --> 00:57:39,920 Hello. 723 00:57:42,360 --> 00:57:43,480 I'm sorry to interrupt... 724 00:57:43,520 --> 00:57:46,440 but are you all right, miss? 725 00:57:49,080 --> 00:57:50,840 Yes, fine, thank you. 726 00:57:51,480 --> 00:57:54,560 Just tired after my hard day's work. 727 00:57:55,600 --> 00:57:58,160 You have been sitting there for four hours now. 728 00:58:00,480 --> 00:58:02,880 Yes, busy at my desk. 729 00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:05,920 Busy at your desk? 730 00:58:08,800 --> 00:58:10,400 Writing my little book. 731 00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:13,640 Your little book? 732 00:58:16,120 --> 00:58:17,480 What type of book? 733 00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:22,320 Well, it's a.... 734 00:58:22,360 --> 00:58:25,360 It's a mystery thriller, sir. 735 00:58:25,400 --> 00:58:27,440 About a woman who disappears. 736 00:58:29,200 --> 00:58:31,800 May I ask what it's called? 737 00:58:33,800 --> 00:58:35,000 Yes. 738 00:58:35,680 --> 00:58:36,880 It's called... 739 00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:40,280 Footprints in the Custard. 740 00:58:44,120 --> 00:58:46,840 No, I'm only joking. It doesn't have a name yet... 741 00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:50,720 because I don't know what's gonna happen if the mystery is ever solved. 742 00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:53,080 But the lady has a name? 743 00:58:54,960 --> 00:58:56,320 Phantom Lady. 744 00:58:57,600 --> 00:58:59,000 "Phantom Lady." 745 00:59:01,640 --> 00:59:05,320 No, her real name's Eily Bergin. She was my mother. 746 00:59:05,440 --> 00:59:07,000 -Your mother? -Yeah. 747 00:59:07,080 --> 00:59:09,120 And then she went away to the city of all cities... 748 00:59:09,200 --> 00:59:11,400 that never sleeps from dusk till dawn. 749 00:59:11,720 --> 00:59:15,600 -So, you think she's here in London? -No, I know she's here in London. 750 00:59:15,680 --> 00:59:17,000 Fantastic! 751 00:59:18,640 --> 00:59:21,160 The fantastic tale of Eily Bergin. 752 00:59:21,760 --> 00:59:23,720 I can't wait to hear the ending. 753 00:59:24,120 --> 00:59:27,960 -But you haven't even heard the start. -I can't wait to hear that, either. 754 00:59:29,960 --> 00:59:33,240 -So, are you a writer, too, then, sir? -Oh, good Lord, no. 755 00:59:35,480 --> 00:59:38,160 But something similar, maybe. 756 00:59:38,360 --> 00:59:41,640 Something similar? I wonder what that could be. 757 00:59:48,000 --> 00:59:49,520 You're a magician! 758 00:59:50,520 --> 00:59:52,960 Bertie Vaughan at your service. 759 00:59:54,760 --> 00:59:58,320 Now, the first thing that has to be said, Bertie dearest... 760 00:59:58,560 --> 01:00:02,760 is that you bear absolutely no resemblance to Marlon "Margarine" Brando. 761 01:00:03,320 --> 01:00:05,040 We all have our off days. 762 01:00:06,720 --> 01:00:09,360 So, tell me more about the Phantom Lady. 763 01:00:09,680 --> 01:00:11,800 Why? What's in it for me? 764 01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:14,080 I'll take you to see my show. 765 01:00:14,240 --> 01:00:16,840 Oh, it's a deal, Magic. 766 01:00:16,960 --> 01:00:21,520 So, where were we? Yes, the Phantom Lady. 767 01:00:21,720 --> 01:00:24,080 Eily Bergin had just arrived in Dublin... 768 01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:28,040 and just realized that her boat didn't sail for another four hours. 769 01:00:38,600 --> 01:00:40,440 Lo and behold, not a scratch. 770 01:00:40,760 --> 01:00:42,120 Thank you, my dear. 771 01:00:44,120 --> 01:00:45,280 Pick a card. 772 01:00:46,040 --> 01:00:47,000 Anyone? 773 01:00:47,640 --> 01:00:49,520 Come along, madam, pick a card. 774 01:00:49,680 --> 01:00:51,000 Any card. 775 01:00:55,760 --> 01:00:59,000 -Oh, my God! -Oh, yes, blimey. 776 01:00:59,080 --> 01:01:00,560 "Oh, my God" is right. 777 01:01:00,640 --> 01:01:04,440 I do believe you've chosen the 101 of hearts. 778 01:01:04,480 --> 01:01:06,920 Thank you, my dear, I'll take care of that. 779 01:01:09,840 --> 01:01:11,280 Time, of course. 780 01:01:11,720 --> 01:01:13,440 The time. 781 01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:16,720 Looks like it's up, you lovely people. 782 01:01:17,440 --> 01:01:20,840 Come on, help me, please, my loves. 783 01:01:21,680 --> 01:01:26,480 Anyone out there willing to encounter the great watch? 784 01:01:31,800 --> 01:01:33,640 -Hello, young lady. -Hello. 785 01:01:34,400 --> 01:01:37,840 And what's the story behind those beautiful blue eyes? 786 01:01:41,080 --> 01:01:45,760 -What's your name, young lady? -Patricia Kitten Braden. 787 01:01:46,040 --> 01:01:49,040 -And where are you from, my dear? -Ireland. 788 01:01:49,320 --> 01:01:52,440 Keep your eye on the watch, young Patricia. 789 01:01:54,040 --> 01:01:55,800 The whole world is in there. 790 01:01:57,680 --> 01:01:59,360 Tick-tock. 791 01:02:01,360 --> 01:02:03,560 Swing-swong. 792 01:02:05,120 --> 01:02:06,840 And, dare I say it... 793 01:02:07,440 --> 01:02:09,120 ding-dong. 794 01:02:10,360 --> 01:02:14,160 And let the great watch guide you. 795 01:02:26,120 --> 01:02:28,800 And what brings you to our great metropolis? 796 01:02:29,440 --> 01:02:31,160 I'm looking for my mammy. 797 01:02:31,800 --> 01:02:34,640 Oh. And where did Mummy go? 798 01:02:35,560 --> 01:02:39,200 -The city swallowed her up. -Oh, fancy that. 799 01:02:39,560 --> 01:02:41,800 Well, it will do that to people. 800 01:02:43,440 --> 01:02:46,040 But do you know what, Patricia? 801 01:02:46,840 --> 01:02:49,560 -I think I see your mother. -Where? 802 01:02:49,680 --> 01:02:52,760 Why, down there by that table by the jukebox. 803 01:02:53,320 --> 01:02:54,800 Mammy! 804 01:02:58,120 --> 01:03:00,720 On second thoughts, Patricia... 805 01:03:00,760 --> 01:03:03,480 she's not your mother, she's your great-aunt Ida. 806 01:03:03,760 --> 01:03:05,960 That's your mother over there. 807 01:03:06,400 --> 01:03:07,640 Mammy? 808 01:03:09,120 --> 01:03:10,520 Mammy! 809 01:03:11,200 --> 01:03:12,280 Oh, Mammy. 810 01:03:15,440 --> 01:03:16,680 Actually... 811 01:03:16,760 --> 01:03:21,240 Patricia, that's your second cousin Ronnie, just out of the Scrubs. 812 01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:23,800 In fact... 813 01:03:25,000 --> 01:03:27,120 your mummy is right up here. 814 01:03:28,760 --> 01:03:30,520 Up here on stage. 815 01:03:31,360 --> 01:03:33,040 Come to Mummy. 816 01:03:34,040 --> 01:03:35,920 Come to Mummy. 817 01:03:36,680 --> 01:03:38,520 Come to Mummy. 818 01:03:38,720 --> 01:03:40,640 Come to Mummy. 819 01:03:41,000 --> 01:03:44,560 You love your mummy and your poppy. 820 01:03:46,040 --> 01:03:48,240 Good to have you back, darling. 821 01:03:48,800 --> 01:03:50,720 And Mummy's never leaving again. 822 01:03:50,800 --> 01:03:51,960 Never. 823 01:03:53,080 --> 01:03:54,080 Never. 824 01:03:54,880 --> 01:03:57,160 Never, I promise. Never. 825 01:04:17,320 --> 01:04:19,840 Just call me Old Sawbones. 826 01:04:28,600 --> 01:04:31,280 -You all right, dear? -Yes. 827 01:04:43,040 --> 01:04:46,360 Those of a nervous disposition... 828 01:04:46,400 --> 01:04:49,760 should now close their eyes. 829 01:04:54,160 --> 01:04:55,320 Oh, dear. 830 01:05:03,160 --> 01:05:04,880 Are you all right, Kitten? 831 01:05:06,360 --> 01:05:08,880 No, I'm actually quite heartbroken. 832 01:05:14,800 --> 01:05:16,880 I think I see the problem. 833 01:05:41,080 --> 01:05:43,360 Gee, thanks, Cupid. 834 01:05:54,160 --> 01:05:56,840 And the other thing about the Phantom Lady was, Bertie... 835 01:05:56,880 --> 01:06:00,440 she realized, in the city that never sleeps.... 836 01:06:00,520 --> 01:06:02,440 What did she realize, Kitten? 837 01:06:02,640 --> 01:06:06,600 That all the songs that she'd listened to, all the love songs... 838 01:06:07,120 --> 01:06:09,320 well, they were only songs. 839 01:06:09,440 --> 01:06:12,840 -What's wrong with that? -Nothing, if you don't believe in them. 840 01:06:13,840 --> 01:06:15,480 But she did, you see. 841 01:06:15,560 --> 01:06:18,120 She believed in enchanted evenings... 842 01:06:18,160 --> 01:06:22,120 and she believed that a small cloud passed overhead... 843 01:06:22,160 --> 01:06:24,640 and cried down on her flowerbed. 844 01:06:25,000 --> 01:06:28,440 And she even believed there was breakfast to be had. 845 01:06:28,520 --> 01:06:29,480 Where? 846 01:06:30,560 --> 01:06:31,720 On Pluto. 847 01:06:32,600 --> 01:06:36,360 The mysterious, icy wastes of Pluto. 848 01:06:38,800 --> 01:06:42,600 You know, Kitten, I made a decision a long time ago. 849 01:06:43,720 --> 01:06:45,280 What decision was that? 850 01:06:46,360 --> 01:06:50,160 That I wasn't destined for the sentimental side of things. 851 01:06:51,880 --> 01:06:52,840 But.... 852 01:06:53,520 --> 01:06:57,600 But if I did let myself ever fall for someone... 853 01:06:59,120 --> 01:07:01,120 I think it would be a girl like you. 854 01:07:01,200 --> 01:07:03,920 Bertie, please, I have to stop you. There's something you should know. 855 01:07:03,960 --> 01:07:06,520 Or maybe what I should say is... 856 01:07:08,200 --> 01:07:09,800 it would be a girl... 857 01:07:11,400 --> 01:07:14,360 -not a million miles away from... -No, please don't. 858 01:07:14,480 --> 01:07:16,040 ...where I'm standing. 859 01:07:17,600 --> 01:07:18,560 No. 860 01:07:22,080 --> 01:07:23,960 What's the matter, princess? 861 01:07:26,160 --> 01:07:28,520 Well, you see, the thing is, Bertie... 862 01:07:30,000 --> 01:07:31,360 I'm not.... 863 01:07:31,560 --> 01:07:32,520 Yes? 864 01:07:35,360 --> 01:07:36,800 I'm not a girl. 865 01:07:37,680 --> 01:07:39,560 Oh, I knew that, princess. 866 01:07:40,960 --> 01:07:43,360 -You did? -Of course. 867 01:07:44,560 --> 01:07:46,000 What I said was... 868 01:07:47,280 --> 01:07:49,400 it would be a girl like you. 869 01:07:58,080 --> 01:08:01,000 I do believe I see Mummy over there. 870 01:08:03,840 --> 01:08:05,160 Mammy! 871 01:08:09,040 --> 01:08:13,080 Actually, she's just walked in. There. 872 01:08:16,680 --> 01:08:17,920 Mammy! Mammy. 873 01:08:18,520 --> 01:08:19,840 Bastards! 874 01:08:20,960 --> 01:08:22,800 Think you can make fun of her? 875 01:08:24,040 --> 01:08:25,520 You're coming with me. 876 01:08:29,320 --> 01:08:30,320 Wait! 877 01:08:30,720 --> 01:08:32,200 Please don't leave me. 878 01:08:33,160 --> 01:08:35,080 What about the Prince of Magic? 879 01:08:35,480 --> 01:08:38,440 -Please don't go. -Some fucking Prince of Magic. 880 01:08:38,520 --> 01:08:41,320 No, maybe I should.... He doesn't mean bad, Charlie. 881 01:08:41,360 --> 01:08:44,120 For Christ's sake, Paddy, what is happening to you? 882 01:08:44,960 --> 01:08:46,120 Kitten! 883 01:09:12,080 --> 01:09:13,120 Excuse me. 884 01:09:20,080 --> 01:09:22,600 John Joe. John Joe! 885 01:09:22,800 --> 01:09:23,760 John Joe! 886 01:09:25,280 --> 01:09:26,760 Not a Womble anymore. 887 01:09:27,480 --> 01:09:31,280 Don't talk to me about fucking Wombles! I'm in the Tower of London now. 888 01:09:32,560 --> 01:09:36,840 Thirty smackers in the paw, boy, no questions asked. 889 01:09:36,920 --> 01:09:38,800 Hey, they're looking for a Mary Queen of Scots. 890 01:09:38,880 --> 01:09:41,960 -Would you be up for it? -They'd chop my head off, surely. 891 01:09:42,400 --> 01:09:44,520 And here's the man to do it for you. 892 01:09:46,200 --> 01:09:47,560 Smiley, huh? 893 01:10:25,840 --> 01:10:27,240 Where's Irwin gone? 894 01:10:28,120 --> 01:10:30,640 Him and his fucking revolution. 895 01:10:43,200 --> 01:10:45,800 -How'd you carry it? -Bottom of my sleeping bag. 896 01:10:47,960 --> 01:10:50,400 There won't be much sleeping with this baby. 897 01:10:51,480 --> 01:10:53,360 So you haven't seen her, then? 898 01:10:55,600 --> 01:10:57,200 She's here, though, somewhere. 899 01:10:57,280 --> 01:10:59,360 I know it. I just know it, Charlie. 900 01:11:00,000 --> 01:11:01,480 Big fucking city. 901 01:11:03,200 --> 01:11:04,920 I'm losing Irwin, you know. 902 01:11:06,080 --> 01:11:07,080 How? 903 01:11:08,000 --> 01:11:10,840 He's up to something. I know it. 904 01:11:12,720 --> 01:11:14,280 He's got these secrets. 905 01:11:16,400 --> 01:11:18,240 So why did you come over, Charlie? 906 01:11:18,320 --> 01:11:19,880 Wasn't just to see me. 907 01:11:21,360 --> 01:11:23,400 Was it something to do with Irwin? 908 01:11:25,760 --> 01:11:27,160 You might say that. 909 01:11:31,000 --> 01:11:32,200 I'm pregnant. 910 01:11:36,560 --> 01:11:38,160 Oh, Jesus, Charlie. 911 01:11:39,920 --> 01:11:41,120 Does he know? 912 01:11:42,960 --> 01:11:44,680 You know all he knows about. 913 01:11:45,840 --> 01:11:47,240 Or cares. 914 01:11:55,920 --> 01:11:58,280 But you didn't come here to have the baby? 915 01:12:01,240 --> 01:12:03,080 I came here to get rid of it. 916 01:12:10,440 --> 01:12:12,280 You have to tell him, Charlie. 917 01:12:13,560 --> 01:12:14,800 I can't. 918 01:12:15,840 --> 01:12:17,560 He's all fucked up. He's.... 919 01:12:19,800 --> 01:12:22,760 So, how are the homeless? 920 01:12:24,560 --> 01:12:25,880 Homeless are fine. 921 01:12:26,640 --> 01:12:29,000 That's what keeps him out late, Kitten... 922 01:12:29,640 --> 01:12:31,280 working with the homeless. 923 01:12:32,000 --> 01:12:33,200 Right, Irwin? 924 01:12:50,120 --> 01:12:52,920 -I can't have it, can I, Paddy? -No. 925 01:12:54,400 --> 01:12:56,040 No, you can't. 926 01:12:59,040 --> 01:13:01,240 Irwin's involved in shit I don't wanna think about. 927 01:13:01,320 --> 01:13:02,440 I know. 928 01:13:02,760 --> 01:13:06,320 What would it turn out like, Paddy? You know what I mean, don't you? 929 01:13:07,440 --> 01:13:11,240 It'd be an absolute disaster, like me. 930 01:13:13,720 --> 01:13:17,160 Now, I want you to read this leaflet. 931 01:13:17,520 --> 01:13:20,520 It outlines all aspects of the termination procedure. 932 01:13:21,560 --> 01:13:22,680 Termination? 933 01:13:23,400 --> 01:13:26,640 -You mean this is an abortion clinic? -Yes, of course it is. 934 01:13:27,760 --> 01:13:30,080 I thought it was a fertility clinic. 935 01:13:36,840 --> 01:13:39,160 I think she changed her mind. Thank you. 936 01:13:48,360 --> 01:13:51,000 You said it'd be a disaster, like you. 937 01:13:51,560 --> 01:13:53,800 Worse, probably. 938 01:13:54,320 --> 01:13:58,680 -But I love you, you fucking disaster. -Oh, Charlie. 939 01:14:05,520 --> 01:14:08,520 -Promise you won't get lost again? -I promise. 940 01:14:10,320 --> 01:14:11,280 Tell him. 941 01:14:12,920 --> 01:14:14,120 Tell me what? 942 01:14:15,120 --> 01:14:18,320 Charlie's joining the Sandinistas. Aren't you, Charlie? 943 01:14:18,440 --> 01:14:21,360 -Sandinistas? -They're a rock band. 944 01:14:21,440 --> 01:14:24,040 -Aren't they, Charlie? -Where can I reach you? 945 01:14:26,280 --> 01:14:28,040 Try Cambridge Circus. 946 01:14:42,200 --> 01:14:43,760 See you, Paddy. 947 01:15:32,160 --> 01:15:35,880 -You and me, darling. What do you say? -I don't quite know what to say. 948 01:15:38,160 --> 01:15:39,720 Christ, you're a bloke! 949 01:15:39,800 --> 01:15:42,320 Ten out of ten, Sherlock. 950 01:16:02,520 --> 01:16:04,400 You fancy a drink or something? 951 01:16:06,360 --> 01:16:09,200 Campari and soda, if you don't mind. 952 01:16:09,400 --> 01:16:10,760 Of course I don't. 953 01:16:10,840 --> 01:16:13,120 Wouldn't have asked you otherwise, would I? 954 01:16:13,200 --> 01:16:15,080 Campari and soda, please, mate. 955 01:16:20,760 --> 01:16:22,160 There you go, mate. 956 01:16:23,240 --> 01:16:24,160 Cheers. 957 01:16:29,960 --> 01:16:31,000 Thank you. 958 01:16:33,200 --> 01:16:36,400 -Crowded tonight. -Oh, yes. 959 01:16:36,480 --> 01:16:39,880 -Football supporters? -No, Royal Engineers. 960 01:16:40,080 --> 01:16:41,800 Oh, soldiers. 961 01:16:42,040 --> 01:16:44,160 Just come back from a tour of duty. 962 01:16:44,400 --> 01:16:48,240 -Aden? Cyprus? No, let me guess. -Fucking Ulster. 963 01:16:50,280 --> 01:16:52,240 I haven't got anything against the Irish, though, mind. 964 01:16:52,320 --> 01:16:55,720 -I hear they're very friendly. -Don't know. Maybe. 965 01:16:58,200 --> 01:17:01,520 It's the politicians what fuck it up, though, isn't it? 966 01:17:05,240 --> 01:17:06,880 Do you wanna dance? 967 01:17:08,520 --> 01:17:10,120 Yes, I'd love to. 968 01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:27,400 -You okay? -Oh, yes. Super. 969 01:17:29,160 --> 01:17:31,240 You seem a little bit tense. 970 01:17:34,440 --> 01:17:36,440 Would you do something for me? 971 01:17:37,400 --> 01:17:38,720 Yeah, of course. 972 01:17:41,320 --> 01:17:43,760 Would you pretend your name's Bobby? 973 01:17:45,000 --> 01:17:46,000 Bobby who? 974 01:17:47,880 --> 01:17:49,280 Bobby Goldsboro. 975 01:17:51,240 --> 01:17:53,080 It's his song, you see. 976 01:17:54,880 --> 01:17:56,440 Bobby it is, then. 977 01:17:57,720 --> 01:18:01,720 All you have to do is plant a little tree... 978 01:18:02,040 --> 01:18:04,560 surprise me with a puppy... 979 01:18:05,280 --> 01:18:07,120 I'll hug your neck. 980 01:18:56,080 --> 01:18:58,280 Back. Go to the back end. 981 01:18:58,800 --> 01:19:00,680 Get as many men down as you can. 982 01:19:00,720 --> 01:19:02,680 All right, my love, we're gonna get you out of here. 983 01:19:02,760 --> 01:19:05,160 Come on, my love. Can you stand? 984 01:19:08,280 --> 01:19:09,480 That's it. 985 01:19:09,560 --> 01:19:11,400 As many people as we can get out through the door. 986 01:19:11,480 --> 01:19:13,040 Take my shoulder, love. 987 01:19:13,160 --> 01:19:14,960 You're all right, mate, I've got you. 988 01:19:15,040 --> 01:19:16,040 My tights. 989 01:19:16,120 --> 01:19:17,720 -Easy, easy. -Steady down there. Steady. 990 01:19:17,800 --> 01:19:19,400 My tights! They're in ribbons. 991 01:19:19,480 --> 01:19:21,920 You're alive, love, that's the main thing. Come on. 992 01:19:21,960 --> 01:19:24,440 I know what I'll have to do, I'll have to get a new pair. 993 01:19:24,520 --> 01:19:26,840 There's no other way, I'm afraid. 994 01:19:29,920 --> 01:19:31,720 Keep still, darling. Don't try and move, okay? 995 01:19:31,800 --> 01:19:33,840 Please, let us through now! 996 01:19:33,960 --> 01:19:35,240 Watch out. 997 01:19:36,520 --> 01:19:39,480 -I told you, from my best side, darlings. -Bring the other ambulance. 998 01:19:39,560 --> 01:19:40,840 Slow down. 999 01:19:41,160 --> 01:19:43,000 That's it. Slowly now. 1000 01:19:43,920 --> 01:19:46,760 Come on, get out of the way, please! Come on. 1001 01:19:47,200 --> 01:19:50,480 -Out of the way. -Please, nurse, he's in so much pain. 1002 01:19:52,040 --> 01:19:55,360 No, they're Christian Dior. Do you really have to? 1003 01:20:04,680 --> 01:20:08,960 How silly can you get, putting an "X" across my weenie. 1004 01:20:09,000 --> 01:20:13,800 Not so silly as 11 fucking people blown to pieces... 1005 01:20:13,880 --> 01:20:15,600 you twisted little cunt! 1006 01:20:15,680 --> 01:20:19,160 Fucking baby-faced, fucking Irish murderer! 1007 01:20:22,760 --> 01:20:25,000 I'm sorry, did you call? 1008 01:20:26,000 --> 01:20:29,600 I can't quite see where you are. I'm over here, you see. 1009 01:20:30,280 --> 01:20:33,960 Millions of miles up here with Sirius guarding my head. 1010 01:20:34,000 --> 01:20:36,200 Tell him what he wants to know! 1011 01:20:36,840 --> 01:20:40,200 It's free. Everyone thinks it's cold up here... 1012 01:20:40,280 --> 01:20:41,680 but it's actually quite warm. 1013 01:20:41,760 --> 01:20:45,120 Yes, it's warm as toast up on Pluto. 1014 01:20:45,440 --> 01:20:46,400 Pluto. 1015 01:20:48,320 --> 01:20:52,160 Don't try the fucking blarney on us, Paddy! 1016 01:20:52,200 --> 01:20:55,240 We know you planted the fucking bomb! 1017 01:20:55,560 --> 01:20:57,880 But of course I did, my darling. 1018 01:20:57,960 --> 01:21:00,240 Why, I've planted hundreds of them. 1019 01:21:00,320 --> 01:21:03,200 Have you now? Well, plant this! 1020 01:21:07,720 --> 01:21:09,600 Hello, officer. 1021 01:21:10,120 --> 01:21:11,520 I'm over here. 1022 01:21:11,760 --> 01:21:14,360 Just take a left at the Milky Way. 1023 01:21:14,760 --> 01:21:18,040 We'll travel to Mars and visit 1024 01:21:18,120 --> 01:21:20,200 Christ, I can't fucking stand this! 1025 01:21:20,240 --> 01:21:24,760 Listen, son, why don't you just make a statement? 1026 01:21:26,280 --> 01:21:29,440 A statement, officer? Why didn't you just say so? 1027 01:21:29,480 --> 01:21:33,280 Attaboy. There's no point making it hard for all of us. 1028 01:21:33,360 --> 01:21:36,840 Of course not. After all, we're all friends here. 1029 01:21:43,240 --> 01:21:48,000 Let's start with where you were on Thursday, October 17th. 1030 01:21:49,760 --> 01:21:54,080 I was in my little cell working with my active service unit. 1031 01:21:54,720 --> 01:21:56,840 But I was working undercover. 1032 01:21:57,400 --> 01:21:58,760 Undercover? 1033 01:22:04,120 --> 01:22:07,440 Oh, it's all coming back to me now. Pen and paper, please. 1034 01:22:16,360 --> 01:22:20,600 Patricia Kitten, a.k.a. Deep Throat... 1035 01:22:20,680 --> 01:22:25,160 had penetrated the deepest recesses of the Republican sphincter... 1036 01:22:27,760 --> 01:22:30,920 with her secret anti-terrorist spray... 1037 01:22:31,120 --> 01:22:35,160 named after Gabrielle Coco Chanel's lucky number. 1038 01:22:37,440 --> 01:22:39,640 The stability of Semtex will be compromised. 1039 01:22:39,720 --> 01:22:42,880 Oh, but, Lord, was she sick of that black. 1040 01:22:44,520 --> 01:22:47,840 What is it with freedom fighters and couture anyway? 1041 01:23:02,000 --> 01:23:04,200 You've got fuse support and booster charge. 1042 01:23:04,280 --> 01:23:07,040 What can I say? We've got here the pressure plate-- 1043 01:23:15,320 --> 01:23:16,400 Stop 1044 01:23:59,520 --> 01:24:01,240 Is there anyone here? 1045 01:24:01,320 --> 01:24:03,240 Why won't he just talk to us? 1046 01:24:03,280 --> 01:24:06,240 Did he or didn't he, dressed as a woman, get caught by his own bomb? 1047 01:24:06,280 --> 01:24:09,120 We've held him six days now. Seven's the max. 1048 01:24:19,880 --> 01:24:21,000 Paddy? 1049 01:24:22,920 --> 01:24:26,560 -You all right? -Fine. Absolutely wonderful. 1050 01:24:28,080 --> 01:24:31,640 Meet us halfway, will you, Paddy? Tell us why you came over here. 1051 01:24:32,920 --> 01:24:35,080 Well, I was just looking for someone. 1052 01:24:35,160 --> 01:24:38,480 -I was just looking for Eily Bergin. -Who's Eily Bergin, Paddy? 1053 01:24:40,480 --> 01:24:42,360 She's gone undercover now. 1054 01:24:42,440 --> 01:24:44,960 The biggest city in the world swallowed her up. 1055 01:24:45,000 --> 01:24:47,840 Could she help us with our inquiries, Paddy? 1056 01:24:48,040 --> 01:24:49,240 She could help me with mine. 1057 01:24:49,320 --> 01:24:52,160 Do you want us to find her? Have you got an address? 1058 01:24:53,680 --> 01:24:57,120 -You could try The House That Vanished. -The House That Vanished. 1059 01:24:58,480 --> 01:25:02,280 Oh, Christ. I think we're all losing it. 1060 01:25:10,280 --> 01:25:13,960 We're gonna get some sleep now, Paddy. We're gonna get some sleep. 1061 01:25:14,280 --> 01:25:18,160 Look, I think we may have made a mistake. 1062 01:25:19,560 --> 01:25:21,720 -Officer? -What is it now? 1063 01:25:22,560 --> 01:25:26,720 If you came home from the office and you found me lying on the floor... 1064 01:25:27,360 --> 01:25:30,800 -would you take me to the hospital? -Well, of course I would. 1065 01:25:31,560 --> 01:25:34,000 And would you carry me like you're doing now? 1066 01:25:34,600 --> 01:25:35,920 Well, yeah. 1067 01:25:36,520 --> 01:25:41,160 So if I wasn't a transvestite terrorist, would you marry me? 1068 01:25:41,800 --> 01:25:43,600 No, for fuck's sake. 1069 01:25:51,680 --> 01:25:54,760 Well, is Officer Wallis gonna be a happy man or what? 1070 01:25:54,840 --> 01:25:57,760 We've held you too long by all accounts. Look. 1071 01:25:59,640 --> 01:26:01,200 Oh, no, you can't. 1072 01:26:01,800 --> 01:26:04,520 You can't. Not when I'm settling in so well. 1073 01:26:09,160 --> 01:26:11,640 Take your head off my shoulder, son. 1074 01:26:14,920 --> 01:26:17,160 You don't understand, Paddy. We can't keep you here. 1075 01:26:17,240 --> 01:26:19,120 It's impossible. We couldn't even if we wanted to. 1076 01:26:19,200 --> 01:26:22,160 Fuck this, I'm going on a long holiday. Wife says I need it. 1077 01:26:22,240 --> 01:26:23,440 Come on! 1078 01:26:23,520 --> 01:26:26,640 Come on, just for one day. It wouldn't kill you. 1079 01:26:26,720 --> 01:26:28,720 Sorry, Paddy. It's impossible. 1080 01:26:29,160 --> 01:26:32,040 -Okay, a half-a-day, please? -No. 1081 01:26:35,040 --> 01:26:37,160 Look, do you mind me asking? 1082 01:26:37,200 --> 01:26:40,840 I mean, why do you wanna.... I mean, it don't make any sense. 1083 01:26:41,320 --> 01:26:43,880 -It just makes me feel secure. -Secure? 1084 01:26:44,200 --> 01:26:45,520 Yes, you see, in the cell... 1085 01:26:45,600 --> 01:26:49,280 sometimes I think my legs are turning into air... 1086 01:26:49,440 --> 01:26:52,440 and I'm floating in space, and I'm all alone. 1087 01:26:52,560 --> 01:26:54,680 "Galactic aloneness," I've heard that called. 1088 01:26:54,760 --> 01:26:56,360 Please, Routledge. 1089 01:26:57,800 --> 01:26:59,560 I just wanna belong. 1090 01:27:00,880 --> 01:27:05,440 I'd be your best prisoner. I'd cook and I'd clean and I'd sweep... 1091 01:27:05,480 --> 01:27:07,920 and I'd iron all the uniforms. I.... 1092 01:27:08,680 --> 01:27:10,520 -Hey, Paddy! -I just wanna.... 1093 01:27:14,320 --> 01:27:16,600 No, I'm afraid it's goodbye now. 1094 01:27:24,000 --> 01:27:27,200 All right, go get that bus there. 1095 01:27:27,920 --> 01:27:29,040 Go on! 1096 01:27:39,880 --> 01:27:42,280 Jennifer Jones and William Holden. 1097 01:27:46,920 --> 01:27:49,160 Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing? 1098 01:27:52,560 --> 01:27:54,600 Have you ever been in love? 1099 01:27:59,320 --> 01:28:01,040 Once I thought I was. 1100 01:28:01,800 --> 01:28:03,480 He was a lucky man. 1101 01:28:07,880 --> 01:28:09,280 I'd pay you. 1102 01:28:11,840 --> 01:28:14,120 I'd give you whatever you wanted. 1103 01:28:15,720 --> 01:28:18,120 Whatever you wanted, I'd give you. 1104 01:29:15,240 --> 01:29:17,520 That's my mammy! That's my mammy! 1105 01:29:19,720 --> 01:29:21,440 Excuse me! Excuse me. 1106 01:29:22,680 --> 01:29:25,000 Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. 1107 01:29:28,680 --> 01:29:30,800 Excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me. 1108 01:29:41,120 --> 01:29:42,240 Hello! 1109 01:30:15,520 --> 01:30:18,280 Hello, sir. Can I be of assistance? 1110 01:30:18,320 --> 01:30:21,680 I don't do anything heavy, but aside from that I'd be more.... 1111 01:30:22,680 --> 01:30:24,840 I could have you arrested, you know. 1112 01:30:24,880 --> 01:30:27,080 Well, icky-oakie me. 1113 01:30:27,640 --> 01:30:28,800 Get in. 1114 01:30:32,760 --> 01:30:35,120 This is no life for a young man like you, Patrick. 1115 01:30:35,200 --> 01:30:38,360 Well, cuff me then. Carry me to my sweet cell. 1116 01:30:38,440 --> 01:30:39,360 No. 1117 01:30:40,280 --> 01:30:42,960 Oh, wait, you're not an actual punter, are you? How exciting. 1118 01:30:43,040 --> 01:30:47,120 No, it's not.... It's not that either. It's a lot more serious than that, Patrick. 1119 01:30:47,200 --> 01:30:50,600 Well, of course it is, of course it's serious. Everything's serious. 1120 01:30:50,680 --> 01:30:53,000 Oh, you're gonna die out there, Paddy! 1121 01:30:57,000 --> 01:30:58,200 I know. 1122 01:31:03,680 --> 01:31:05,960 Why don't you try and get a regular job? 1123 01:31:06,560 --> 01:31:10,000 Well, to tell you the truth, Inspector, I'm not that employable. 1124 01:31:10,080 --> 01:31:11,520 So I gathered. 1125 01:31:14,920 --> 01:31:16,360 Fucking hell. 1126 01:31:24,040 --> 01:31:25,480 Come with me. 1127 01:31:33,040 --> 01:31:36,480 A group of girls got themselves off the street, Patrick. 1128 01:31:36,720 --> 01:31:38,240 Set up a co-op. 1129 01:31:38,960 --> 01:31:40,280 What do you mean, "co-op"? 1130 01:31:40,360 --> 01:31:43,840 You know, like.... Sort of like.... A union, you could call it. 1131 01:31:46,040 --> 01:31:47,200 Girls? 1132 01:31:48,480 --> 01:31:50,480 Hello. Come on. 1133 01:31:52,840 --> 01:31:55,640 It's not ideal, but it's safe... 1134 01:31:56,520 --> 01:31:57,760 and legal. 1135 01:31:57,800 --> 01:31:59,040 Casandra. 1136 01:32:00,680 --> 01:32:02,520 Goddess of Destruction. 1137 01:32:04,560 --> 01:32:07,040 -Girls? Hello. -Hello. 1138 01:32:07,120 --> 01:32:08,200 This is Patrick. 1139 01:32:08,280 --> 01:32:09,720 -Hello, Patrick. -Hello. 1140 01:32:09,800 --> 01:32:11,840 He's a friend of mine, so be gentle. Hello, Sam. 1141 01:32:11,880 --> 01:32:14,600 We're always nice. Patrick, do you wanna play poker? 1142 01:32:14,680 --> 01:32:16,000 Love poker. 1143 01:32:16,480 --> 01:32:18,200 -Yeah, we'll put him in. -Are you all right? 1144 01:32:18,280 --> 01:32:21,040 -You'll be working with us? -I hope so. If you'll have me. 1145 01:32:21,120 --> 01:32:22,400 We're a nice bunch here. 1146 01:32:22,440 --> 01:32:25,000 -No bitchiness or nothing here. -Look at his hair. 1147 01:32:25,080 --> 01:32:27,120 -So where are you from? -Cavan. 1148 01:32:27,200 --> 01:32:29,600 Very nice. I'm from Dublin. You'll do well here. 1149 01:32:29,640 --> 01:32:32,560 You'll like us girls. So you'll definitely like it here. 1150 01:32:37,960 --> 01:32:40,800 Dear Charlie, sorry I haven't been in touch... 1151 01:32:40,840 --> 01:32:43,480 and I hope that everything is going fine with you. 1152 01:32:43,560 --> 01:32:45,240 How's the bump? 1153 01:32:45,320 --> 01:32:47,880 Just writing to say that I've got a new address. 1154 01:32:47,960 --> 01:32:50,800 It's Xanadu on Old Compton Street... 1155 01:32:50,920 --> 01:32:53,440 and you can reach me there at any time. 1156 01:32:53,520 --> 01:32:57,200 I'm saving like mad to get over to see you when it happens in.... 1157 01:32:57,280 --> 01:33:00,680 What is it? Four months, two weeks, and three days. 1158 01:33:01,880 --> 01:33:03,040 Hello. 1159 01:33:03,480 --> 01:33:05,040 Show me your bazoozums. 1160 01:33:05,120 --> 01:33:07,440 -I beg your pardon? -You know. 1161 01:33:11,840 --> 01:33:13,200 What's that? 1162 01:33:13,440 --> 01:33:17,000 Now, listen, sir, we can't all have big bazoozums. 1163 01:33:17,080 --> 01:33:19,800 Some of us are what you might call svelte. 1164 01:33:19,920 --> 01:33:23,320 -Svelte? -Yes. That's a Swedish word, I believe. 1165 01:33:24,400 --> 01:33:27,720 -There's also a French one. -Aye, give me the French. 1166 01:33:27,760 --> 01:33:29,000 Gamine. 1167 01:33:29,160 --> 01:33:32,200 -Gamine? -Yes, and that's what I am, sir. 1168 01:33:32,280 --> 01:33:34,160 A svelte gamine. 1169 01:33:35,520 --> 01:33:39,920 How much is that doggy in the window? 1170 01:33:40,600 --> 01:33:44,280 The one with the waggly tail 1171 01:33:44,360 --> 01:33:48,040 Not "waggly," "waggedy." "Waggedy tail." 1172 01:33:49,160 --> 01:33:51,080 Dear sir unseen, I know my music... 1173 01:33:51,120 --> 01:33:55,040 and I'm willing to bet you 10 times whatever pathetic price you paid in here... 1174 01:33:55,120 --> 01:33:57,600 that the dog's tail is waggly. 1175 01:33:59,160 --> 01:34:01,120 Now I wanna hear you bark. 1176 01:34:11,320 --> 01:34:14,400 -Hello. -Please don't do that. 1177 01:34:17,880 --> 01:34:19,480 As you wish, sir. 1178 01:34:23,720 --> 01:34:26,680 I don't do this sort of thing often. 1179 01:34:26,760 --> 01:34:29,880 That's all right, sir, we've got lots of time. 1180 01:34:35,920 --> 01:34:40,120 -I knew a boy like you once. -Oh, I'm not a boy, sir, I'm a girl. 1181 01:34:41,200 --> 01:34:44,680 -Oh, you're a girl. -Yes. 1182 01:34:45,760 --> 01:34:49,600 You can call me Patricia. That's my name, sir. 1183 01:34:50,560 --> 01:34:54,880 Can I tell you a story, Patricia? 1184 01:34:54,960 --> 01:34:57,400 Oh, please do. Stories are what I love. 1185 01:34:58,040 --> 01:35:01,320 -You love stories? -Love stories. 1186 01:35:02,240 --> 01:35:04,160 Even more than mysteries. 1187 01:35:04,480 --> 01:35:07,040 Don't do that, please, please. 1188 01:35:09,480 --> 01:35:11,840 Very well, sir, I'm all ears. 1189 01:35:15,440 --> 01:35:19,840 Once upon a time, there was a boy who never knew his father and mother. 1190 01:35:20,600 --> 01:35:25,280 Oh, how sad. How unbearably sad. Was he an unbearably sad little boy? 1191 01:35:26,600 --> 01:35:30,640 He didn't seem so. No, he laughed. He laughed a lot. 1192 01:35:30,760 --> 01:35:34,880 Perhaps the kind of laughter that disguises tears? 1193 01:35:36,360 --> 01:35:40,120 Maybe laughter was the only way to... 1194 01:35:43,160 --> 01:35:44,600 deal with.... 1195 01:35:46,360 --> 01:35:48,520 Please go on. To deal with.... 1196 01:35:49,320 --> 01:35:51,880 To deal with his circumstances. 1197 01:35:54,920 --> 01:35:57,960 You seem to understand this boy quite well, sir. 1198 01:35:58,960 --> 01:36:00,600 I knew his father. 1199 01:36:03,080 --> 01:36:04,120 And? 1200 01:36:05,000 --> 01:36:06,160 And... 1201 01:36:06,760 --> 01:36:10,280 though his father loved him very much... 1202 01:36:10,360 --> 01:36:14,880 he could never tell the boy how much.... 1203 01:36:15,520 --> 01:36:16,720 How much? 1204 01:36:19,920 --> 01:36:23,000 He could never tell the boy how much he loved him. 1205 01:36:24,280 --> 01:36:26,560 Well, this can't be a true story. It can't be. 1206 01:36:26,600 --> 01:36:27,720 Why not? 1207 01:36:27,800 --> 01:36:30,160 Why could he not tell the boy how much he loved him? 1208 01:36:30,240 --> 01:36:31,960 Because he didn't know how. 1209 01:36:33,000 --> 01:36:37,760 He had the words for many things, you see, but he didn't have the words for that. 1210 01:36:37,840 --> 01:36:41,280 There are only three words for that. They're easy to say. 1211 01:36:41,480 --> 01:36:42,880 Sometimes they are. 1212 01:36:44,120 --> 01:36:46,840 Other times, they're not. Other times, they're.... 1213 01:36:47,080 --> 01:36:48,880 They're impossible. 1214 01:36:50,280 --> 01:36:54,920 And he loved the boy's mother, too, but that was equally impossible. 1215 01:37:01,320 --> 01:37:03,280 So he never told the boy? 1216 01:37:06,120 --> 01:37:08,840 He never told him and then the boy left... 1217 01:37:09,480 --> 01:37:13,680 and came to England, and the father had... 1218 01:37:21,920 --> 01:37:26,440 lots of time to think about all the things... 1219 01:37:27,440 --> 01:37:31,400 all the things that might have been, should have been. 1220 01:37:31,840 --> 01:37:34,560 He had all the time in the world to think. 1221 01:37:35,720 --> 01:37:37,760 And what did he think about? 1222 01:37:38,360 --> 01:37:42,880 He thought, he imagined perhaps, that the boy had come to England... 1223 01:37:42,920 --> 01:37:44,760 Iooking for his mother. 1224 01:37:47,080 --> 01:37:49,320 And what was his mother's name? 1225 01:37:49,840 --> 01:37:53,200 -Her name was Eily. Eily Bergin. -Oh, God. 1226 01:37:53,800 --> 01:37:56,960 And so the father thought the one thing he could do... 1227 01:37:57,000 --> 01:37:59,880 was tell him where he could find his mother. 1228 01:38:02,880 --> 01:38:05,840 -Where to find the Phantom Lady? -What? 1229 01:38:05,920 --> 01:38:07,760 Please, go on. 1230 01:38:08,960 --> 01:38:11,080 She married, had two children. 1231 01:38:11,360 --> 01:38:14,640 -Probably won't want to see him. -But where does she live? 1232 01:38:15,920 --> 01:38:19,200 19 Spencer Rise, in Kilburn. 1233 01:38:39,480 --> 01:38:41,800 'Cause you know what I want, I want English... 1234 01:38:41,880 --> 01:38:46,640 -I want conservative, I want East Finchley... -Yeah. 1235 01:38:46,720 --> 01:38:50,000 ...I want powerful. 1236 01:38:50,880 --> 01:38:53,800 -You think it works? -I think you look better than her. 1237 01:38:54,280 --> 01:38:56,520 -I do look better than her, don't I? -You do. 1238 01:39:39,680 --> 01:39:41,360 Do you need help, miss? 1239 01:39:43,240 --> 01:39:47,880 Yes, I'm doing a survey for British Telecom. 1240 01:39:49,720 --> 01:39:54,080 -Do you know where 19 Spencer Rise is? -That's my house. There. 1241 01:39:54,280 --> 01:39:55,680 It's your.... 1242 01:39:55,960 --> 01:39:59,720 -Can't you read numbers? -No, yes, I can read numbers. 1243 01:40:00,760 --> 01:40:02,600 So, what's the survey? 1244 01:40:03,400 --> 01:40:06,320 Well, it's about telephones. 1245 01:40:07,520 --> 01:40:10,400 -Do you have a telephone? -Everyone has a telephone. 1246 01:40:10,520 --> 01:40:14,440 No, not everyone, young man. Some people can't afford one. 1247 01:40:14,680 --> 01:40:16,120 Well, we can. 1248 01:40:17,320 --> 01:40:18,480 I see. 1249 01:40:21,960 --> 01:40:24,840 -And so what is your name? -My name's Patrick. 1250 01:40:27,080 --> 01:40:28,320 Patrick. 1251 01:40:28,880 --> 01:40:30,760 Patrick. 1252 01:40:31,240 --> 01:40:33,160 And how many phones do you have, Patrick? 1253 01:40:33,200 --> 01:40:35,560 Shouldn't you be asking my mother? 1254 01:40:36,680 --> 01:40:39,240 Yes. Yes, of course I should. 1255 01:40:40,960 --> 01:40:42,680 And where would I find her? 1256 01:40:44,000 --> 01:40:47,120 Mum, there's a nice lady here doing a survey.... 1257 01:40:50,800 --> 01:40:52,640 Are you.... Oh, my God! 1258 01:40:57,080 --> 01:40:59,240 -You feeling better, love? -Oh, yes, thank you. 1259 01:40:59,280 --> 01:41:01,720 -Some more tea? -No, thank you. 1260 01:41:03,880 --> 01:41:07,560 So, what's this survey about, then? 1261 01:41:09,560 --> 01:41:13,320 -It's about phones, Mum. -Phones? With Telecom? 1262 01:41:14,160 --> 01:41:15,920 Yes, British Telecom. 1263 01:41:24,240 --> 01:41:28,040 -Are you a multi-phone household? -Yes. Yes, we've got three. 1264 01:41:28,200 --> 01:41:31,800 One in the bedroom, one in the kitchen, and one in Geoffrey's office. 1265 01:41:34,000 --> 01:41:37,360 -Geoffrey.... -Is my husband. 1266 01:41:44,760 --> 01:41:45,920 Sorry. 1267 01:41:49,160 --> 01:41:51,360 How frequently is your telephone used? 1268 01:41:52,680 --> 01:41:56,160 Very. Laura's never off it. 1269 01:41:56,680 --> 01:41:57,880 Laura? 1270 01:41:59,320 --> 01:42:01,760 My daughter. She's 13. 1271 01:42:02,520 --> 01:42:04,200 I see, I see. 1272 01:42:05,120 --> 01:42:07,440 You don't have much use for the phone, though, do you, Patrick? 1273 01:42:07,520 --> 01:42:09,320 No, I suppose not. 1274 01:42:15,440 --> 01:42:19,400 -Well, Miss.... -Johnson. Delia Johnston. 1275 01:42:19,720 --> 01:42:21,000 Johnston. 1276 01:42:22,520 --> 01:42:25,440 If you've any other questions, don't hesitate to call. 1277 01:42:26,320 --> 01:42:29,280 No, I think I have more than enough, thank you. 1278 01:42:34,800 --> 01:42:37,240 -Thank you for the tea. -Oh, you're welcome. 1279 01:42:37,320 --> 01:42:38,440 Bye. 1280 01:42:57,920 --> 01:43:00,040 Shouldn't you have a uniform? 1281 01:43:01,160 --> 01:43:03,400 No, I shouldn't have a uniform. 1282 01:43:03,720 --> 01:43:06,280 The men who put the phones in have a uniform. 1283 01:43:06,360 --> 01:43:07,720 Do they, now? 1284 01:43:07,880 --> 01:43:10,600 -Aren't they from Telecom? -Yes, they are. 1285 01:43:11,400 --> 01:43:13,640 Then how come Telecom don't know how many phones we have? 1286 01:43:13,720 --> 01:43:16,040 Well, because it's from a different department. 1287 01:43:16,120 --> 01:43:18,840 Why don't you just phone up, then, and ask the questions? 1288 01:43:18,920 --> 01:43:21,240 Because there's nothing like the personal touch, now, is there? 1289 01:43:21,320 --> 01:43:22,280 Why don't-- 1290 01:43:22,360 --> 01:43:25,840 Young man, I get the feeling you don't like me. 1291 01:43:26,680 --> 01:43:29,000 You're wrong. I think you're nice. 1292 01:43:30,920 --> 01:43:33,160 Well, I think you're nice, too. 1293 01:43:33,440 --> 01:43:37,160 -Why are you crying? -It's conjunctivitis. 1294 01:43:38,240 --> 01:43:41,320 I gave your address to Father Liam, and I hope you don't mind. 1295 01:43:41,400 --> 01:43:45,200 He's been very kind to me, Kitten, and I need all the kindness I can get. 1296 01:43:45,480 --> 01:43:48,480 The Special Branch lifted me on a dope charge, you see. 1297 01:43:48,520 --> 01:43:50,960 And they used that to get to Irwin. 1298 01:43:51,960 --> 01:43:54,320 They lifted Charlie on the dope charge. 1299 01:43:56,120 --> 01:43:58,520 They said she'd be having the baby in prison, if I didn't-- 1300 01:43:58,600 --> 01:44:00,560 If you didn't what, Irwin? 1301 01:44:03,720 --> 01:44:06,400 If I didn't inform them about operations. 1302 01:44:08,480 --> 01:44:09,920 -You do it. -No, you do it. 1303 01:44:10,000 --> 01:44:12,800 I can't. I went to school with his brother. 1304 01:44:13,080 --> 01:44:14,920 Hey, lads, did you hear the one about the Cavan man? 1305 01:44:15,000 --> 01:44:17,240 -What Cavan man? -Cavan man in-- 1306 01:45:06,040 --> 01:45:07,800 What will I call you? 1307 01:45:09,040 --> 01:45:10,240 Father. 1308 01:45:13,800 --> 01:45:15,640 You call me "Father." Come in. 1309 01:45:23,200 --> 01:45:24,360 I can't. 1310 01:45:25,520 --> 01:45:28,360 I prayed, you know. I prayed you'd come back. 1311 01:45:30,040 --> 01:45:31,520 Did you find her? 1312 01:45:31,600 --> 01:45:35,040 Yes. No. Kind of. 1313 01:45:37,600 --> 01:45:39,120 Where's Charlie? 1314 01:45:40,320 --> 01:45:42,240 She's upstairs. Come on. 1315 01:45:46,760 --> 01:45:48,840 After the drugs charge, there were problems at home... 1316 01:45:48,920 --> 01:45:50,480 so I took her in. 1317 01:45:51,240 --> 01:45:54,120 She hardly eats a thing, you know. She's wasting away. 1318 01:46:01,480 --> 01:46:03,200 Maybe you could.... 1319 01:46:04,520 --> 01:46:07,240 -Where do you sleep, Father? -Don't worry about me. 1320 01:46:11,720 --> 01:46:12,680 Charlie. 1321 01:46:16,720 --> 01:46:18,440 Is that you, Kitten? 1322 01:46:19,040 --> 01:46:23,080 Charlie. Take it easy now. 1323 01:46:24,080 --> 01:46:25,520 Swann's Cross. 1324 01:46:26,480 --> 01:46:29,760 -They put a rubbish bag over his head. -Hush, Charlie. 1325 01:46:30,600 --> 01:46:33,000 My parents told me to go back where I came from. 1326 01:46:33,080 --> 01:46:35,240 Don't think about it, Charlie. 1327 01:46:35,520 --> 01:46:37,920 Your baby, that's all that matters now. 1328 01:46:39,480 --> 01:46:41,400 And I'm here to help you. 1329 01:47:11,360 --> 01:47:14,720 Robins, Father. Would you believe it? Pecking at the cream. 1330 01:47:14,760 --> 01:47:17,000 I'm sure the poor things must be starved. 1331 01:47:17,080 --> 01:47:18,040 Ta. 1332 01:47:29,360 --> 01:47:32,680 You have your mother's eyes, do you know that, Patrick? 1333 01:47:33,160 --> 01:47:35,920 Color of the ocean beyond Rosses Point. 1334 01:47:39,760 --> 01:47:41,440 You took her there? 1335 01:47:45,720 --> 01:47:47,080 Many times. 1336 01:47:49,840 --> 01:47:52,480 Things could have been so different. 1337 01:47:53,840 --> 01:47:55,560 Don't say anything. 1338 01:47:57,680 --> 01:48:00,040 Because, you know, the strangest thing... 1339 01:48:00,720 --> 01:48:02,400 I went looking for her... 1340 01:48:03,880 --> 01:48:05,440 but I found you. 1341 01:48:18,240 --> 01:48:20,680 No, in the end it was a blessed release. 1342 01:48:20,760 --> 01:48:24,560 She was a lovely woman. She never missed a day at Mass. 1343 01:48:24,640 --> 01:48:27,240 When they opened her up, they found a lump as big as a melon. 1344 01:48:27,320 --> 01:48:29,200 A melon? That big? 1345 01:48:29,600 --> 01:48:32,560 Maybe it was a grapefruit. I get them mixed up. 1346 01:48:32,760 --> 01:48:36,080 So, we're not exactly blessed with choice, Father, dear. 1347 01:48:37,200 --> 01:48:40,160 And is there any rule that says that when you're pregnant... 1348 01:48:40,200 --> 01:48:42,120 you need to dress like a lollipop lady? 1349 01:48:42,200 --> 01:48:45,880 -I know of no such rule, Patrick. -No, so I thought. 1350 01:48:47,520 --> 01:48:50,680 This little hippy number might give her the lift she needs. 1351 01:48:50,760 --> 01:48:51,840 Very nice. 1352 01:48:51,880 --> 01:48:53,080 Velvet, Father. 1353 01:48:53,160 --> 01:48:54,840 Like crushed grass. 1354 01:48:55,240 --> 01:48:56,640 Look, Father. 1355 01:49:00,400 --> 01:49:02,640 Oh, can we try the silver fur, missus? 1356 01:49:03,400 --> 01:49:04,840 Is it for yourself? 1357 01:49:07,160 --> 01:49:11,880 Twenty-five different colored Babygros. Four teddy bears, I can understand... 1358 01:49:12,000 --> 01:49:15,000 -but I don't need a pram yet, Kitten. -You will. 1359 01:49:15,960 --> 01:49:19,160 -Where did you get the money? -Oh, singing. 1360 01:49:20,760 --> 01:49:23,760 How much is that doggy in the window? 1361 01:49:24,120 --> 01:49:26,560 The one with the 1362 01:49:27,720 --> 01:49:31,080 -Is it waggedy or waggly, Charlie? -Waggly. 1363 01:49:32,000 --> 01:49:33,920 No, wait a minute. 1364 01:49:34,080 --> 01:49:36,600 -Oh, Father? -Yes. 1365 01:49:36,680 --> 01:49:41,440 You know the doggy with the tail? Is it waggly or waggedy? 1366 01:49:41,680 --> 01:49:42,920 The song? 1367 01:49:43,760 --> 01:49:47,520 Waggedy, I seem to remember. Your mother never stopped singing it. 1368 01:49:47,560 --> 01:49:48,880 Aye, waggedy tail. 1369 01:49:48,960 --> 01:49:50,040 Waggedy. 1370 01:49:50,120 --> 01:49:53,960 How much is that doggy in the window? 1371 01:49:54,080 --> 01:49:57,600 The one with the waggedy tail 1372 01:49:58,000 --> 01:50:01,480 How much is that doggy in the window? 1373 01:50:01,560 --> 01:50:03,880 Oh, Jesus Christ and his holy mother. 1374 01:50:04,560 --> 01:50:06,640 -Why doesn't the Bishop do something? -The Bishop! 1375 01:50:06,720 --> 01:50:08,920 The Bishop we have isn't worth a damn. 1376 01:50:09,000 --> 01:50:12,000 -What did she say...? -The Bishop isn't worth a damn! 1377 01:50:12,280 --> 01:50:13,760 Now mind your language missus 1378 01:50:23,720 --> 01:50:25,600 Do you know something, Thomas? 1379 01:50:25,680 --> 01:50:28,760 There are times when I wish I was a bus conductor. 1380 01:52:44,120 --> 01:52:46,240 ...the welfare state and all. 1381 01:52:46,280 --> 01:52:48,240 Can't stay here, anyways. 1382 01:52:48,360 --> 01:52:51,200 But you'll come and see us, Father? After the baby's-- 1383 01:52:51,280 --> 01:52:56,080 Well, the only parish I've been offered is in Kilburn, so you might see a lot of me. 1384 01:53:04,520 --> 01:53:06,520 You saved my life, Father. 1385 01:53:08,600 --> 01:53:09,840 And mine. 1386 01:53:15,360 --> 01:53:17,320 Great, big, fireproof man. 1387 01:53:35,000 --> 01:53:38,080 Come on, Charlie, push! Push! 1388 01:53:38,120 --> 01:53:40,640 I am pushing, Kitten, fuck you! 1389 01:53:40,680 --> 01:53:42,640 -I am pushing! -Breathe. 1390 01:53:42,720 --> 01:53:44,800 -Jesus! -Come on. 1391 01:53:45,040 --> 01:53:46,720 It's tearing me apart! 1392 01:53:56,320 --> 01:53:59,040 Hey, you're the telephone lady. 1393 01:54:01,640 --> 01:54:05,120 If it isn't the young boy from the multi-phone household. 1394 01:54:05,320 --> 01:54:06,520 What are you doing here? 1395 01:54:06,600 --> 01:54:10,560 Mum's with the doctor. She's, you know, got a bun in the fireplace. 1396 01:54:12,560 --> 01:54:16,200 -I think you mean the oven, young man. -Okay, then, the oven. 1397 01:54:16,360 --> 01:54:17,960 What's your name? 1398 01:54:22,280 --> 01:54:23,720 Phantom Lady. 1399 01:54:24,320 --> 01:54:27,560 -That's a funny name. -I know that. I'm a funny lady. 1400 01:54:28,840 --> 01:54:32,400 -Is that your baby? -No, it's hers. 1401 01:54:34,640 --> 01:54:37,400 She's having her fireplace checked. 1402 01:54:37,960 --> 01:54:40,240 Isn't she? Yes, she is. 1403 01:54:41,480 --> 01:54:44,560 -Charlie, darling, this is-- -Patrick. 1404 01:54:45,360 --> 01:54:47,320 This is my young friend Patrick. 1405 01:54:47,720 --> 01:54:49,600 So, how's your fireplace? 1406 01:54:52,840 --> 01:54:57,480 And your little bun is just fine, too, aren't you? Yes, you are. 1407 01:55:03,400 --> 01:55:07,080 Patrick, there's your mum. You'd better run. 1408 01:55:07,600 --> 01:55:08,680 Okay. 1409 01:55:09,400 --> 01:55:12,760 Patrick, will you tell her that... 1410 01:55:13,160 --> 01:55:17,560 the telephone lady says that she hopes it's a girl this time. 1411 01:55:17,640 --> 01:55:19,240 -Okay. -Okay. 1412 01:55:33,560 --> 01:55:37,400 -She looks nothing like Mitzi Gaynor -What do you know about Mitzi Gaynor? 1413 01:55:37,640 --> 01:55:39,880 Nothing. But as Oscar Wilde said... 1414 01:55:40,120 --> 01:55:44,280 I love talking about nothing. It's the only thing I know anything about 109016