Original subtitles

We've stolen money that belongs to Terence McCann.

You, Vincent...

..are the shit on my shoe.

If I even hear your name again, you're done.

Are you high? No!

Where's my antique dildo? I need your help.

Cut his dick off. No, no, no!

Erin!

There's a guy in the pub and he topped himself.

He said, "Terence McCann made me do it."

CHEERING

'It's Terence. How does it feel to be dead?'

HE EXHALES HEAVILY

HE SLURPS

Oh, fuck...

All right, Vinnie?

No, wrong person. It's not me.

You what? I'm not him, am I?

He's dead.

I'm just a doppelganger, love.

A what? A double!

I'm his double. I just look a bit like him, don't I?

Oh...

Poor Vinnie. How did he die?

He slit his own throat.

Do you know where t'bog roll is?

I've no idea.

Are you sure you're not him? Fuck, I just said that I'm not him!

You're getting me cross now. Listen to me. I'm dead.

I'm dead! I've had a funeral and everything.

It's been really sad, Edith, but we're getting over it.

You just reminded me of it.

Leave it out now, love. Just shift on.

You're fucking doing my head in, Edith.

I've just said I'm not him.

Where the fuck's t'bog roll?

MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR STEREO

MUSIC ON STEREO RETURNS

Fuck.

# The best things in life are free

# But you can give them To the birds and bees

# I need money

# That's what I want

Dad?

# That's what I want # That's what I want

# That's what I want # That's what I want

# That's what I want # That's what I want

# Your love gives me such a thrill

# But your love don't pay my bills

HORN BLARES

# That's what I want # That's what I want

# That's what I want # That's what I want

# That's what I want # That's what I want

# Your love gives me such a thrill

Hey, you fucking idiot!

# But your love don't pay my bills I need money

# That's what I want

# That's what I want # That's what I want

Whoa!

Fucking shit!

# That's what I want

Sorry, Sheila, love, I broke your fence. Vinnie...!

CAT SCREECHES Argh!

# Money don't get everything It's true

# But what it don't get I can't use

# I need money # That's what I want

# That's what I want # That's what I want

# That's what I want # That's what I want

# That's what I want # That's what I want

# Money # That's what I want

# Lots of money # That's what I want... #

CHICKENS CLUCK

Here they are, the Famous Five!

There's six of us, Jim.

Well, the fucking Famous Six, then.

HE SIGHS

I used to love them stories.

But you can't read them to kids now.

Lefties saying that they're racist.

I remember when marmalade had gollywogs on the side.

Now, that was diversity.

Where's Vinnie? He's showering.

At fucking last!

CARDI: How is he?

Depressed.

Look at him.

Says his bi‐polar's bad.

I said to him, "Bi‐polar? It's all in your mind."

I mean, nobody had bi‐polar during the war, did they, eh?

Think about that.

Churchill suffered depression, Jim.

Yeah, but he was fighting the fucking Nazis!

What's he got to worry about? I'm sick of the fucking sight of him.

You need to get him out of that shed and get him back robbing again.

Funny you should mention it.

No, dude.

What do you mean, no? Just count me out, man.

What are you gonna do, Vin? Spend the rest of your life down here

getting stoned and pissing in bottles?

Yes, actually, Erin.

And so would you if your dick was on the chopping block, love.

Hang on, why are you pissing in bottles? There's a fucking Portaloo.

It's full.

Where are you shitting? Never mind where I'm shitting!

Christ... Look, whatever you've got planned, just count me out of it.

We need your help, Vin.

This is an opportunity for us all.

Exactly.

A legitimate business opportunity.

'The ownership of the Rat & Cutter's up for grabs.

'People pay good money for quality entertainment.'

Women shaking their tits around.

The point is, no need for crime. No need for your petty theft.

We can even pay tax if it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

Erin will be my assistant manager, with Sugar, co‐assistant manager.

'The girls are all on board, Vinnie.

'Kenny Diamond is prepared to give us the lease.'

But... And this is where you come in, sunshine.

..there's a problem.

If you want the club, I need 10K.

Cash.

By Friday.

By Friday? By Friday.

By Friday? By Friday.

By F‐F‐F...

Right, I think we've established how long we've got.

So we need readies fast.

Ashley, tell him the plan, love.

Yeah.

The Beasleys are coming to town with their stupid circus.

'They're a bunch of psychopaths.

'And you know how much my family hates them.'

There's been bad blood for years.

So...

..I say we rob them.

Generators, stage lights. That's expensive kit, boys.

And where do we sell it? Chinese Dan.

Chinese Dan? Come on, he's a slippery fucker!

Whatever we take, he says he'll have it.

We get the money for the Rat & Cutter

and we piss the Beasleys off.

It's a win‐win. And we get you back in t'game.

So it's a...

HE STAMMERS: ..win...win.

Three wins.

Fuck it. All right, then.

No, on one condition.

We need Dylan.

No! Why not?

You know why. Erin.

What?

No, because being part of all that crap, Tommo, ruined my life.

This is the answer, is it, yeah?

Plumbing? Yeah.

What if I told you Erin wants this?

Mate, she's part of the scheme. HE SCOFFS

I'd say she's out of her mind.

You want her back.

Eh?

Now is your chance to help her. She's with Jake.

Oh, yeah. Do me a favour. Little rich boy?

If she was that bothered, she'd have his ring on her finger by now.

You're seriously gonna give your life to fucking ballcocks?

I'm late. Sorry, Sara.

Late again.

You were awake when I left you.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, my God!

Is it flesh?

Returned from the dead, it's Osama bin Laden.

HE CHUCKLES FALSELY

Are you all right?

I've been in a weed bunker now for three months, pissing in bottles.

Where were you shitting?

Never mind where I've been shitting! I can't see out of this eye.

I've got gums that are constantly bleeding.

I can't work out... I think I've got scabies.

I've been fucking belling you up.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Vin, I've been, er...

I've been snowed under. But I have been thinking about you.

In fact, I was thinking about you last weekend.

I was with this er...ladyfriend.

We were having a picnic.

Well, I say picnic. You know, some brie and nibbles

and a cheeky little glass of Rioja and...

That is... That's a picnic.

She's got this little dog called Jarvis. It's a cocker.

She was telling me, this little thing,

it's not like an ordinary dog.

It's an emotional support dog.

And I thought...

..Vinnie. You...?

You thought that I was like her emotional support dog?

No, that's what you need.

They're brilliant, they can... If you get down, like you...

..they can sense it.

And they come over to you, with little happy faces,

and they sidle up, and you stroke them and they soothe you.

That's just a dog, dude.

That's just a dog. Oh, fuck me.

Be sad.

Be down. What are you doing?

Go on, be miserable and whining,

like you are when you have one of your depressions.

Ready? For what?

Just be sad.

HE PANTS

What the fuck, dude?

No... Happy?

HE BARKS AND WHINES

Don't do this, man.

Oi, stop doing all the growly stuff. It's weird as fuck.

Go on. Happy eyes...

There you are! You've got a little smile out of little Jarvis!

Your anxiety's melting away. Dissipating.

Woosh!

Pat my head.

Pat it.

Go on, stroke my little furry head. I'm stroking your furry head.

You're trying to get close to my fucking knees, you pervert.

HE BARKS No, no, no.

Do you ever think...

.."Fuck me, I'm a maniac"?

Shit...

It's not gonna be easy, this.

Them lads have serious muscle down there.

How are we gonna know what we're taking?

Even if we can get in, we're gonna need to be in and out double quick.

JJ's right, we can't be fart‐arsing around there looking for stuff.

If the Beasleys catch us, we're fucked.

Didn't they cut someone in half once?

Look, that's part of their act, you knobhead. They cut someone in half.

No, they did, they cut a boy in half.

Yeah. Fuck...!

I have an idea there, now. We need an inside man.

Someone to help with logistics,

someone who couldn't give a shit pissing off the Beasleys.

Yeah? Do you know someone who can do that?

Mr Popov.

DOOR OPENS

Dyl. No, no, no. Busy.

Fucking hell, dude, I've come out of hiding for this.

It's not for me, it's for all of us.

And if it helps Erin, it helps Tyler.

Dude, he's your kid, man. I know!

But as far as he's concerned, you're the fucking man in his life.

And he loves you and you love him.

You know what? Fine, Dyldo. Fucking having that. Fuck.

POPOV: A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm.

He said, "Two pints, please. One for me and one for t'road."

CHUCKLING

Ohh! Nice to see you again.

POPOV SIGHS

Well, this place is a shithole. Good to see you're cheerful, Popov.

Happiness, that's for idiots.

And what the bloody hell have you come as? I'm in disguise.

Why?

Cos someone's tried to cut my dick off.

Well, you should let 'em. Mine's got me into nothing but trouble.

POPOV COUGHS

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Oh, a trick.

HE CHUCKLES

It's still going.

I'm sure you're done now, eh? HE COUGHS

It's a dying art, that. It takes years of practice.

And do the people appreciate it?

Do they fuck.

So what do you want?

All right...Mr Popov.

It's Colin. Colin.

We know you've had beefs of your own with the Beasleys.

And what we're after really is...

We need an inside man, all right?

To provide us with information on just the layout, circus geography.

Hm.

And why would you want that? We want to borrow some stuff.

I see...

Right.

THEY WINCE AND GROAN

Brilliant. Where's that gone?

Another good one.

So, what's in it for me, then? I'm glad you asked.

About 200 quids' worth of weed there. Knock you right out.

And, Tommo?

I'm the managing director of an erotic dungeon.

I can get you spanked, wanked

and involved in an Alabama Hot Pocket this every evening.

HE EXHALES Sorry, lads.

I think you've got the wrong man.

HE FARTS Oh...!

All right, a threesome and a Panamanian petting zoo.

HE INHALES SHARPLY

No. So, go on, then.

Name your price.

All right.

I'll take that bag of weed.

And your Panamanian petting zoo.

Plus...

..ten percent of everything you make.

Five. Ten!

Fuck. Deal.

PLASTIC HAND SQUEAKS

Oh.

MAN: Hey! Hey!

Pizza delivery.

No‐one's ordered any pizza.

What are you on about? It's this address.

"Circus." It's a circus, isn't it? It's all paid for. Wanna check?

Paid for? Paid for, yeah.

All right, hang on. You're interested now.

Come on!

There you go.

Hey!

What are you doing?

Shut the fuck up. MUFFLED: No, get off!

Stop it. Stop it, dude. I had me pants down, you cunt.

Get the fuck on. Twats.

This is me colleague Agent Pink.

No, no, I don't want to be pink, Vin.

What do you want to be? Black.

You want to be black? No, red. Orange.

Orange? Yeah.

Fuck's sake! This is me colleague Agent Orange.

He's gonna stay with you and help you eat these pizzas. All right?

The rest of us are gonna fuck off. We'll come back in a bit.

Jesus Christ, you're deceivingly strong, aren't you?

DISTANT MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

He said the trucks have all got names.

We're looking for Bingo Wings and Dragon Tattoo.

Right, we've come in here.

That's it. That's Dragon Tattoo. The other one will be over there.

DRUNKEN CHATTER

Fuck me.

Oh...

It's like BFG and Warwick Davis.

Fucking hell, he's hammered.

He's tripping. Yeah.

Right, listen, I've got to go and see if the clown's done his trick.

Which one's which? It's 50‐50.

For fuck's sake, I bet we've got them the wrong way round.

# Whoa, come with me now

# I'm gonna take you down

# Whoa, come with me now

# I'm gonna show you how

# Whoa, come with me now

# I'm gonna take you down

# Whoa, come with me now

# I'm gonna show you how... #

Are you serious? Frodo Shaggins, get in the fucking truck.

HE GRUNTS Jesus wept, dude.

Right, come on, the moment of truth.

Fuck!

Wrong key!

If you think I'm getting down there, you've got another thing coming.

Shit, dude.

Oh!

Fucking walloped me arse, dude.

Wait, look...

HE LAUGHS

Why is he doing that? Oh, man.

Fucking hell, here he is. Dickhead.

I've given you t'wrong keys.

I know. I've just tried it myself.

Let's not fall out. It was a 50‐50 chance.

Put your fucking hands up!

Who the fuck are you? We're the fucking cleaners, dude.

What? We're the cleaners.

Bobby hired us.

Bobby? Robert.

Was it Bob? ALL: Bob, yeah.

It was Bob, wasn't it? Yeah.

It was Bob. We're called Spick & Span.

We clean fucking trucks and buses. You don't look like cleaners.

Hang on. What do cleaners look like?

Marigolds, spray bottles, mops...

I see.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

I see what's happening here.

Is it because we're men?

It's not cool, man, you can't say shit like that nowadays.

Can you? You can't say that. No.

You can't say stuff like that. I never said that.

You're thinking it. Isn't he? Isn't he, though?

You're fucking just stood there, thinking,

"Four men? That's a woman's job."

No, you're putting words in my mouth.

Because we get this shit all the fucking time.

Honest to God. Honestly, in the modern world,

the division of labour, that's changed.

You know, traditional roles...

Thank fuck for that, dude!

Shit. Let's get out of here.

How was there not a Bob? There's always a fucking Bob.

Didn't we already swap? No, that's the first time.

Oh, my God! Amusing!

TV: Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked...

GRUNTING

YELLING

GRUNTING AND YELLING

LAUGHTER

Vin!

Vin! Vinnie!

You fucking...!

Cardi!

# Whoa, go with me now

# Clap your hands now People, clap now

# Clap your hands now People, clap your hands

# Clap your hands now People, clap now

# Clap your hands now People, clap your hands

# Clap your hands now People, clap now

# Clap your hands now People, clap your hands... #

Oh, wow!

That's a right result. Look at them generators there.

That mixing desk is EMI REDD. They recorded Abbey Road on one of those.

Ladies, we have hit the jackpot.

I reckon there's enough gear here alone to get the dosh we need.

And there's still another truck. Avanti.

Avanti. Advantage.

Right...

What have we got in here, then?

What's this, then?

LION ROARS

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!

ROARS VICIOUSLY

It's a fucking lion.

It's a lion from the jungle.

No, I don't think they're from the jungle, man.

What are we gonna do, lads? We've no choice, we have to take it back.

We can't take it back, we can't unsteal a lion.

We've only just nicked it. The Beasleys will be very pissed off.

It's a trained lion, a massive part of their show.

I say we get it out, get the truck shifted

before the fucking coppers turn up.

Can't we just dump the lion with the trucks?

What if it dies? Why would it die?

Why would it die? What about food, water?

Well, we could feed it a rabbit.

They don't eat rabbits, they eat gazelles and buffaloes, man.

The lion is only in here to rest.

The circus would have it out in the morning.

Mm. No, Dyldo's right.

Who's gonna help me move it?

Where are you going? Whoa, no, no, no!

Listen, it's tame, it's fucking used to people.

It's not gonna pull anyone's head off. Dyl, it's domesticated.

It's like a fucking sizeable kitten, Ashley.

You worked in a circus. Get it out, dude.

I sold popcorn, though.

It's domesticated, man.

Where are you going? You're not fucking leaving.

I wasn't. I was... Stay there.

.staying here.

Fuck, dude.

Let's get Jim.

I want reimbursing for this steak, Vin.

That's Tesco's Finest, that is.

None of your rump shite, that's sirloin.

Just come the fuck on.

SING‐SONG VOICE: Here, lion, lion. Come on.

Come on, lion. Come on.

Cardi. What?

It's looking at me. Why's it looking at me?

Maybe it fancies you. Maybe it's racist.

Shut up, dickhead! How can it be racist? They're from Africa!

Just keep the fucking steak moving down this way.

This is the fucking stupidest thing you've ever involved me in.

Just think how happy Erin will be when she's managing that strip club.

Co‐assistant managing.

ALL SCREAM

Get to fucking hell with it! I think I've wet myself.

Give me that fucking thing.

What are you doing? Jesus, man!

Fuck. It's not living in there, Vinnie.

I'm not a fucking zoo!

If that thing keeps me awake roaring, I'm taking me rifle to it.

All right, I'll shift it. Yeah, fucking tomorrow!

I will shift it tomorrow! Jesus Christ, Jimbo!

Fucking hell.

You lot go and shift them fucking trucks before the police gets here.

Jesus Christ, I nearly had a fucking stroke.

Whoa.

See ya. Thanks, Jim.

They're big, aren't they?

# Be nice to see you In the morning light

# Be nice to see you In the morning light

SHE GRUNTS SOFTLY

# Be nice to see you In the morning light

# Morning light

# Morning light... #

I'm worried about Tyler.

And Sugar's gonna be here in a minute.

I'm sorry.

# It's simply a case of knowing

# That my discontent is showing

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

DOOR CLOSES

What's going on?

I'm moving in. You're moving in? Since when?

I couldn't afford the rent by myself. Dylan!

Whoa! Hey up, big man!

Whoa! How you doing?

Good. Yeah?

Is this the best idea, Sugar in the next room to Tyler?

She's not bringing men home, Dylan.

She won't be lap dancing once Tommo takes over.

She co‐assistant managing. With you, I hear.

Yes, but it's temporary while I do my resits.

If you disapprove so much, why did you help them rob the circus?

I don't disapprove, Erin. I just... What?

Dylan, it's a business, it's what I'm studying to do.

Run a business. Yeah, hotels and tourism. Not...

SHE SCOFFS

All right, so it's all right for your mate to run a strip club,

just not your ex.

How's Jake?

He's fine.

How's college?

Good. Your phone's ringing.

Hey up, dude. Right. Cheers, man.

Erm, yeah, I'd better get him to school.

OK.

HE SIGHS

Does he miss me? Of course he misses you.

He loves you.

He is playing up a bit, actually. I'm wondering if it's related.

And Vin, has he seen him much?

Yeah, a bit. Yeah.

He gave Tyler bloody nits.

HE LAUGHS

It's been hard, though.

Him down there, pissing in bottles.

Where's he shitting?

SHE CHUCKLES

Who rang on his phone?

Sa‐ra.

Saa‐raa?

S‐A‐R‐A.

Oh, Sara?

OK.

Bye. Love you.

Love you. Bye.

See you later. See ya.

Fuck!

Urgh!

Fucking...

Fuck off!

# Chocolate

# You're my cherry You're a sweet little lemon pie

# Custard

# You're the pie, I'm the fish You make me smile... #

Jim! Jim!

Jim!

Jim!

Fucking Jim!

Fuck!

Fucking...

Jim! What the fuck's up with you?

Lion, dude. What?

Where the fuck is it?

T'pig shed. It's fucked off, there's been sightings.

That's crap, because I checked on it first thing.

And I distinctly remember locking the...

Ho! Oh...!

Stupid old cunt! It's fucked off.

Honestly, how the fuck does anyone lose a lion, man?

I tell you what, it's gonna pull someone's fucking head off, Jim.

Hey, if it does, it's on you.

I didn't steal a fucking jungle creature.

They're not from the jungle! Fucking wherever it's from!

You brought it here and that is what I'll tell the judge and the jury.

Oh, fuck it! Fuck, we need a search party.

Ring Ash and Cardi, I'm gonna ring Tommo and JJ.

Fuck's sake!

# I'm on cloud nine You make me smile

# I'm on cloud nine You make me smile... #

No.

Where the fuck's the lion?

Well, that's it, innit? It's fucking gone.

The thing about a lion, right, it's bound to turn up somewhere.

Thank God you're here!

Of course, you bell end!

Let's just wait for it to maul a child, fucking job done.

In case you've forgotten, some of us have got a club to open, right?

And I need that dough. So, you, lion watch.

The rest of us, Chinese Dan.

Right...

Fucking hell, lads!

BUZZES

'Hello?'

Hello? 'Hello?'

I'm here to see Chinese Dan.

'Who is it?'

Vincent O'Neill. 'Mate, the buzzer's broken.'

What are you using it for, then?

Christ, were you just there then?

What? Were you just stood there?

What are you using t'buzzer for? I wasn't.

Dude, I heard one step. Like, one step then you were here.

What are you using that for? Dunno.

Well, I need to see Chinese Dan. I've got some stuff for him here.

Wait here, I'll go and get him.

Here... Here you are, mate. Hello?

Who are you? His bodyguard.

All right.

He's a sandwich short, him. Bloody bodyguard.

Dan's a low‐level importer‐exporter, do you know what I mean?

Oh, dear, dear...

Fucking hell. Dear, dear.

Jesus Christ. All right, Dan.

Is there a problem? You know I love you, Vin,

but what am I supposed to do with this heap of crap?

Heap of crap? It's fucking professional kit, that.

Professional kit? Look at it.

It's worn, it's battered, it's unloved.

Where've you picked it up from, 1975?

You fucking know this is good gear. Look at that mixing desk.

Look at it. That's a classic.

Yeah, classic being a euphemism for ancient.

The fucking Beatles recorded on one of them.

Daniel, tell him about The Beatles.

Abbey Road, maybe Sgt Pepper's. The Beatles?

Well, I'm an Elvis man. Isn't that right, Calvin?

# When no‐one else can understand me

# When everything I do is wrong

# You give me hope and consolation

Dan, the fuck, mate. # You give me strength to carry on

# And you're always there

# To lend a hand

# In everything I do‐oo

# That's the wonder

# The wonder of you. #

Have you finished?

Very good.

Thank you very much. What are you doing?

He's fucking shafting us, Cardi!

You're shafting us. Oh, that hurts, Vincent.

Let's get it right. You know we need fast readies, so you're screwing us.

Let me put it plain. We need £10,000 cash

for the lease on a club by Friday.

By Friday? By Friday!

So all this gear, every scrap of it's yours for 10K.

I'll give you four.

You can fuck off, Dan, I won't fucking barter!

It's ten or nothing. Suit yourself. Nothing.

Well, then... Fuck. Nine, then.

I thought you weren't bartering?

Five. And that's me going out on a limb.

Eight. Eight.

Six.

Five. Fine, fucking Dan!

Fuck's sake.

Fine. I'm not gonna forget this.

Calvin, help them bring it in.

Petula!

HE WHISTLES

Come on, girl!

Petula!

Petula...?

PETULA WHIMPERS

SHE WHINES

LION GROWLS

GROWLING

LION GROWLS AND SNARLS

He wanted to call the authorities. He can forget that.

It's not his bloody lion, is it?

We have to get rid of it, Vin, before it attacks one of us.

We could just ring t'cops and say it wandered across t'fields.

Use your brain. The lion's precious to the circus, they want it back.

So...we're gonna give it back.

How are we gonna do that, eh? You said it yourself, Vin.

If we give it back, they'll know we stole the gear.

Always thinking.

What's that mean?

IN DISGUISED VOICE: Bring back the girl and that'll be the end of it.

But if you don't, I'll hunt you down and find you.

And I will kill you. All right, mate.

If you bring back the girl, that will be the end of it.

Ow!

Stop fucking about, mate!

Boys! Hold it.

Dial the number.

You're fucking being a knobhead. Shh.

PHONE RINGS

For fuck's sake, can never get a fucking minute. Give me a minute.

'Hello, who's this?' I have your lion.

You what? 'I said, I have your lion.'

Brian?

Not fucking Brian! I have your lion!

Lion! Lion!

'I can't make out a word you're saying, pal.'

I have your fucking lion, pal.

Motherfucker!

Who is this?

I'm the man who has your lion and if you want to see it again...

You've got all my fucking stage lights as well.

No, no. No, we don't. We fucking sold them.

Oh, you are dead!

We had to postpone the show!

MONITOR BEEPS RAPIDLY

I don't need this. I've got a fucking heart condition.

All right, well, calm down, then.

You can have your fucking lion back, it'll cost you seven grand.

Seven...? Seven?! Yeah.

I'll tell you what. Keep it.

What? Keep the stupid lion.

What the fuck am I gonna do with it?

Well, you should've thought about that before you fucking stole it!

Whoa! Six grand, then. Six grand.

'Two.' Two!

Fucking five, and that's me going out on a limb.

Four.

Final offer.

Fuck! All right, deal, deal.

Listen carefully, this is how we're gonna do the swap.

Fuck's sake.

Any sign? No.

Do you want a pickled egg? No.

Hey‐up...

Approaching car.

Two knuckleheads visible.

PHONE RINGS

What's going on? 'Red alert.'

What do you mean, red alert? 'There's a car approaching.'

How's that a red alert? It's not even bloody amber.

You're not giving yourself anywhere to go.

B‐B‐Be prepared.

'Fine, amber. Have they done the drop?'

Have they done t'drop? No.

Not yet. We're watching. Well, that's an amber, innit?

Hey, hey, hey. What?

'Cardi, what's happening?'

Ah, yeah, red alert. Someone's got out.

He's got an holdall.

'It looks heavy. He's walking to t'bus shelter.'

Listen, my lot's here for the lion. Get down and check that bloody bag.

'They haven't left.' What?

They're just t‐t‐talking to one another in t'car.

They're sharing a pasty. They're sharing a pasty.

Looks like a Cornish, could be chicken and mushroom.

'It looks like a Cornish, but it could be chicken and mushroom.'

They're taking it. The trailer's attached to their van. Fuck, no!

Listen, don't let them take the fucking lion

without checking the bag, lads!

What the fuck? Will you shoot something?

I'm not shooting at the Beasleys. Fuck.

They're going. They're going.

'Listen, get down there fast and check that fucking bag!'

Roger. Affirmative.

Cardi!

Christ... Cardi!

Whoa...!

Cardi!

Fuck!

Yeah, I think they've er...

I think they've screwed us.

What the fuck? Give me that fucking gun.

Come on, Vin. Never mind, "Come on, Vin."

GUNSHOT

Fuck!

I missed.

Come on, now, Vin. We robbed them, they robbed us back. Fair's fair.

Fair's fair? We made a profit and got rid of the lion.

Let's just be satisfied. We're still five grand short.

Plus Popov's cut. Fucking Beasley.

He's not getting away with this.

'Then the assistant is covered by a curtain.

'The curtain is removed

'and the assistant's been turned into a lion.

How did they do that? 'So, you ask, how did they do that?'

ALL CHUCKLE

'Obviously, there has to be an explanation.'

Can we have a lion? No, you've got one on your bed.

'Amazingly, the lion's actually inside the cage

'during the entire illusion.

'Using raw meat as a lure, the lion is enticed to stand behind a wall.

'The assistant drops into a secret compartment at the base of the cage.

'She pulls on a cord that releases the lion into the cage.

'Any mistake, and the girl and the lion

'end up in the cage at the same time with horrific consequences.'

All right.

Sugar...

How do you fancy being the lady?

Are you out of your mind?

Go and get the lion. Go on.

Vin, man, it's not rational thinking.

You can't just burst into a circus. I'll do it.

What?

I'll do it.

If it's good for the business, yeah.

Why not? Why not?

Right, well, let me think.

Cos there's a fucking lion in the cage, Erin.

Yeah, well, I think we've found our lady.

Same deal as last time? Same deal as last time.

Including the Hot Pocket?

POPOV: Me dad was a stilt walker. I looked up to him.

VINNIE: Christ. There she is.

Who? Blonde hair, headscarf.

Right. Good luck.

Thanks, dude. BUZZER

Fucking hell, I shit myself.

Dickhead! Bloody hell!

Hiya, erm... I wonder if you could help me.

I'm looking for Popov. I'm part of his new act.

MUFFLED CRY

I feel bad on her now. Don't. She's an awful bitch.

Come on. Get an outfit on. Which one?

I don't know. One that's like hers.

I'll do your make‐up. OK.

You two get down the office, I'll find Nat Beasley.

Erin? Yeah?

Do you know what you're doing? Kind of, yeah.

Don't worry, I... I won't look.

Right, go on.

LAUGHTER, CIRCUS MUSIC

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

You look amazing.

I feel it.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

You're really OK doing this?

Why not? In case you end up inside a lion.

Dylan, you've seen the video.

It's eaten, OK?

Why are you doing this?

For fun.

Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

A darkness lies in all of us,

like a beast roaring to get out.

CROWD CHEERS

Tonight, my friends, by using the power of my mind,

I will transform this beautiful lady...

..into a fierce lion!

A lady into a lion, eh?

It's gonna go wrong, this. Who the fuck are you?

You see that lady there? She's not your lady. She's mine.

And unless you pay me the five grand you owe me

for the fucking lion you stole,

she's not pulling back the cord to release the false wall.

You're the bastard that robbed me!

HE GROANS What? Shit. What? What?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Fucking relax.

Who are you? The stand‐in. Cassie's unwell.

You've never had a show go wrong. And it won't today,

if you pay me the five grand cash.

The lady is now trapped.

I've got lads in the audience filming it.

You're gonna be a fucking laughing stock.

The crowd's gonna be fucking disappointed,

there'll be loads of refunds... All right!

If she's in the cage, how will she know I've agreed?

Text. No message, no lion.

Now, I want everyone to count from ten...

Come on, Vinnie, for fuck's sake.

LION GROWLS

LION ROARS

Shit.

My boys are at your office. I want five grand cash.

Make the bloody call. You...

You're fucking dead for this.

I am gonna make you part of my own personal magic show.

Sounds sexual.

Liam, pay the cunts.

Just fucking do it!

Fuck! Is the reception bad in here?

Just fucking send it. I'm sending it. I'm sending it.

Are you ready?

Ten, nine...

Fucking send it! I'm fucking trying to send it.

..six, five...

four, three...

Fuck!

..two, one...

Release the beast!

GROWLING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Get after those bastards.

And get that bitch out of that cage.

I want a fucking word with her.

HE GRUNTS

Urgh!

You were amazing! I'm co‐assistant manager, these things must be done.

Let's get the fuck out of here. Come on.

Vinnie, wait!

VAN REVERSES

# My baby's coming home to night

# My baby's coming home to night

# And sure enough It's gonna be all right... #

Dylan, come here, you twat, and give me a hug.

We did it, man. We did it.

Dude, where are you shitting?

Never mind where I'm shitting. Shall we get a beer here?

MUSIC POUNDING FROM INSIDE

Get in.

# I've got so much trouble In my mind

# I've got so much trouble In my mind

# I've got so much trouble In my mind

# I got so much trouble in my mind

# Give me the strength to carry on

# Give me the strength To carry on... #

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