All language subtitles for American Housewife s05e05_English

♪

Hey, all you mamas
out there.

Today on
"A Real Mother Vlog,"

I'’m going to show you
that sometimes,

it'’s important
to just be a fun mom.

Oh, my gosh. Look!

A white-breasted
nuthatch.

And just like that,

today is the best day
of my life.

What?

Gotcha, bird nerds!

Incoming!

Oh!

You were aiming
for my face!

Well, yeah. That'’s going
to read best on camera.

Why didn'’t you tell us
you were gonna surprise us?

Sakes alive!

What?

I just saved you
from birdwatching

with a water balloon fight.

Birdwatching
is safe.

What youdid
was dangerous.

Let'’s go, Franklin.

You ruined
the best day of my life.

[ Door opens ]

[ Door slams ]

Oh.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Okay. New topic.

The world has made kids soft.

Did you know that they banned
dodgeball in P.E.?

How are the popular kids
supposed to pick on the losers

during a school-sanctioned
activity?

This is why there'’s a rise
in cyber-bullying.

--Captions by VITAC--

♪

According to
the most recent census,

what is the current population
of Westport?

25,000 --

28,115.

Damn it.

I'’m gonna need
to remember these things

if I'’m gonna hold my own
in the City Council debate.

Useless numbers
and facts?

That'’s my bread
and butter.

Don'’t beat
yourself up, Dad.

I have all the faith
in the world in you, bud.

I love you.

Wow.

You must really
want something

because you just used
the "I love you"

you were saving
for my death bed.

You'’re my dad
and my best friend.

But since you asked,

I do need you to get me

a teeny tiny prescription
for Boosterin.

Boosterin?

For ADHD?

You don'’t have ADHD.

No, but it also
helps you focus

and access an extra 30%
of your brain.

I have midterms.

Gotta keep my grades up
for Harvard.

Are you out of your mind?

Every other kid in school
not only takes Boosterin,

they have private tutors,
take prep classes.

If I don'’t do this,
I'’m at a disadvantage.

Do you take Boosterin?

[ Chuckles ] No.

No, I get my grades
the old fashioned way --

giving the teachers
great Christmas presents.

What'’d your mom say?

There is no world where
I'’m helping my teenage son

get prescription drugs
to study.

But you took drugs
in high school.

I did it to fit in!
It'’s different!

I'’m with your mom --
no way.

This is medication
for kids who need it.

You don'’t need it.

Dad, we could take it
together.

Me for my midterms,
you for your debate.

It'’d be like
a father-son camping trip,

except instead of
roasting marshmallows,

we'’ll be taking
performance-enhancing drugs.

Absolutely not.

[ Scoffs ][ Door closes ]

My parents don'’t understand
the pressure I'’m under.

They don'’t know what it'’s like
to strive for something great.

If they had
a vision board,

it would just be a picture
of wicker furniture

and the Blue Man Group.

♪

I have a question about Kant'’s
"Critique of Pure Reason."

Of course.

What was his critiques,
and what were his reasons?

[ Laughs ]

You'’re funny.

[ Laughs ] Yeah.
I'’m so funny.

Well, uh,
the professor asked me

to review German philosophy
with the class next week

for the midterm,

so we'’ll just
cover it then.

Alright, Taylor,
I'’ll see you Monday.

Taylor?

[ Whistles ]

Taylor?

Oh, uh, sorry.

It'’s just
this sculpture.

It makes me feel stuff

that isn'’t, like,
hungry or sad or tired.

Maybe it'’s the triangles.

You know, they'’ve represented
so much throughout history.

Mind, body, spirit.

Life, death, rebirth.

Past, present, future.

Tall, grande, venti.

Alvin, Simon, Theodore.

[ Both laugh ]

You know, um,
there'’s an exhibit

at the Westport Art Center
Saturday night.

I'’m going.

You should --
You should come, too.

Yeah.

That'’d be awesome.

I have a boyfriend.

Oh, my God.
I do, too.

I don'’t know
why I just said that.

I don'’t.
I'’m straight.

But I'’m an ally.

Uh, besides,
it'’s -- it'’s --

it'’s not even like
I was, um, asking you out.

It'’s -- No.

It'’s more of like
a group thing where --

I'’m actually
asking everybody.

Hey, uh, you!

You want to go
to an art exhibit?

No.

No problem.

I-It'’s not for everyone.

That'’s why it'’s art!

How about you?

Can I bring my dog?

Probably not.
Oh.

You see?

It'’s not just
for me and you.

The more the merrier.
[ Inhales deeply ]

Definitely bring
your boyfriend.

Yeah, I mean,
he'’s super into art.

Uh, looking at it...
tracing stuff.

Great. Well, I hope to see
you and your boyfriend there.

As part of a group.

Hey, uh, do you wanna go
to an art exhibit?

I have a boyfriend.

So do I!

Why do I keep
saying that?

[ Chuckles ]

♪

How'’s the app?

Are we any closer
to launch?
Mm.

We hit a speed bump
in the coding.

I could explain it,
but I won'’t,

because I'’ve decided not
to develop my personal skills

or the patience necessary
to do so.

A-buh, buh, buh!
Can you stop? Please?

I can'’t think with you
hovering over me.

I don'’t tell you
how to code.

You don'’t tell me
how to be

in charge of refreshments,
amigo.

Guys, I don'’t have time
for this bickering.

I need this app up and running
and wildly successful ASAP

so it can help me
get into Harvard.

Especially now
that my parents

won'’t get me Boosterin
for my midterms.

If you need Boosterin,
I'’ve got a prescription for it.

I can spot you some.

Really? Sure.

Oliver.
Mom and Dad said no.

Yeah. You know what
they'’ve said yes to?

Non-monogrammed towels.

Their judgement
isn'’t exactly sound.

There you go.
Just two?

Yeah. You only take
a quarter at a time.

That'’ll be more than enough
to get you through midterms.

Chief Officer of Snacks
and Beverages, you need any?

No.
No, I come from money.

Whatever school
Oliver goes to

will have a brand-new
Cooper Bradford biblioteca.

Hopefully whatever school
I go to already has a library.

Is that
what that means?

♪

Doris, did you watch
my latest vlog?

Hey, uh, Katie,

I just want to set a baseline
for our friendship --

I'’m never gonna
watch your vlog.

Let me sum it up for you --

How are kids
supposed to learn

to pick themselves
up off the ground

if they never get
knocked down?

Get a skinned knee,
have some actual fun.

If your friend'’s psycho brother
hasn'’t chased you with a BB-gun,

you haven'’t lived.

Katie, you just need to give
Anna-Kat and Franklin

an old-fashioned
childhood experience.

You'’re right.

Time for
a bottle rocket fight.

Where can I get
some fireworks?

[ Sighs] Nowhere.

They'’re illegal
in Connecticut.

Laws ruin everything.

Since society has sucked

every ounce of joy
from childhood,

I want to teach you
a few adventurous games

so that you can have
some actual fun.

We can take an adventure
without risk.

An adventure
in our minds.

I'’m at
a fast-food drive-thru.

One sourdough
grilled chicken club, please.

Super fun.
Super safe.

You have to take risks in life
in order to succeed.

This is the game
that I played as a kid.

It'’s called
"Shark in the Water."

Here'’s how you play --

I don'’t like sharks.

There'’s no shark,
so --

I also
don'’t like water.

There'’s no water.

Just listen.

You have to
cross the room

without touching
the floor,

which we are pretending
is shark-infested waters.

What happens
when we touch the floor?

You get eaten by a shark.
[ Snorts ]

We'’ll start small.

Just jump off the island
to the couch cushion,

onto the piano bench.

Go!

The piano bench looks
pretty darn pointy.

I'’m sorry, Mrs. Otto,

but I can'’t risk
losing an eye.

I need the ability to track
moving objects accurately.

I'’ve mentioned my dream

to become
a tennis line judge, right?

♪

Ta-da!

This is it?
Yeah.

What do you think?

Well, I think
it'’s a bunch of triangles

on top of each other.

Okay, but how does it
make you feel?

Triangle?

Hey, I used triangle
in its adjective form.

But when you look
at the triangles,

don'’t you think it symbolizes
mind, body, spirit?

Life, death, rebirth?

Yeah, I'’m not getting
any of that.

Hey, I thought we were going to
that new taco place.

You know they have
a cheeseburger burrito?

You want to talk
about art?

Let'’s talk about that.

Yeah. We are.

I-I'’m just
getting into art,

and I thought
you might like it, too,

but...it'’s whatever.

Let'’s go.

I don'’t know
why you'’re so mad.

Wait, wait, wait! Wait.
I see something else!

I see...triangles!

♪

I have to hide
the Boosterin somewhere.

How about your dopp kit?

No.

No me gusta tus drogas.

[ Pounding on door ]

Katie: Open up!

Okay!

Give me a sec.

[ Pounding on door ]

Open up!

She knows!

Don'’t you dare
fall apart on me.

I-I'’m not built
for deception --

just charm
and a few easy laughs.

Just let me handle it.

[ Pills clack ]

Hey, Mom.Don'’t "Hey, Mom" me.

You know what you two did.

Oh, God,
we'’re going to jail.

It'’ll be a nice jail,
maybe nicer than here,

but still jail.

Why don'’t you tell us
what we did?

Once again,
you left your wet towels

on your bedroom floor
for me to pick up.

Next time this happens,

you both will be sharing
Luthor'’s butt towel.

Okay,
we'’re in the clear.

I don'’t know.

Don'’t worry.

She doesn'’t believe
in vitamins.

That'’s why I'’ll always
hide them in here.

What do you mean
"always"?

I'’ll be hitting Trevor up
for more

during finals, SATs,
and ACTs.

That'’s right.

Your boy'’s doing both.

No.
This could be dangerous.

I'’m not okay with it.

[ Sighs ]
Look, I'’m not you.

I can'’t buy my way
into college.

So, I'’m doing
what I have to do.

I have it under control.

That'’s what they all say.

I know what addiction
can do to a person.

I saw my uncle Winston
lose himself to Fabergé eggs.

♪

This is perfect.

I want Anna-Kat and Franklin
to jump high,

flirt with danger.

They'’re 12 years old,

and they don'’t have a scar
with a cool story behind it.

See this?

I was the first girl
in our school

to attempt the jump

from the big oak tree
to the monkey bars.

Attempt?

Landed on a rock,
split open my elbow,

blood everywhere.

The playground monitor
passed out.

Made the school paper.

They called it
The Red Recess.

I have
one of those, too.

Got this at chess champ.

Was a little too close
to the board, sneezed,

and hit my queen.

I had to hold a tissue to it
for the rest of the match.

Yep. That'’s the kind of stuff
I'’m talking about.

I'’m gonna do some more
last-minute cramming

for the debate.

I still don'’t have all
the comptroller'’s kids'’ names

memorized
to my satisfaction.

Hey, Mrs. Otto, I need to talk
to you about something.

Cooper,
why does your generation

think everything
is so dangerous?

Well,
what if you know someone

who'’s taking
an unnecessary risk?

Then you take notes,

because
this worry-wart attitude

is exactly
why you are all

such weak-sauce
marshmallow turds.

But Mrs. Otto --Weak-sauce...

marshmallow...turds!

♪

...save the taxpayer

three-point...

Dang it!

3.27%.

I knew that!

"Helps with energy
and improves memory."

What else you got?

♪

Katie: Alright, guys.
Open your eyes!

Come on up!

Good golly, are you asking
for a lawsuit, lady?

I called your mom,
and she signed off on it.

But my mom doesn'’t have
her eye on the ball.

I love her, but she'’d make
a terrible line judge.

Just get
on the trampoline.

Where'’s
the safety net?

We'’re not putting
a safety net on.

Nothing with the word
"safety" in it is fun.

[ Exhales sharply ]
Whoo!

These bad boys
were a lot smaller

the last time
I did this.

What?

I said come on!

Get up here!

Let'’s be
professional wrestlers!

Piledriver!

Ooh! Oh!

Mom!

[ Gasps ]

[ Exhales sharply ]
I'’m fine.

Ooh. Just gotta pop
my shoulder back in.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Shoulder cracks ]

-Aah!
-Oh! Aah!

[ Screams ]

♪

Hey, you guys ready
for the debate?

We'’re leaving soon.

We'’re not going.

Why not?

Watching you mangle
your body

in the name of "fun"
really freaked us out,

so we'’re just gonna stay here
and play "Be Safe."

"Be Safe"?

It'’s a game we made up.

The rules are you sit
on the floor and do nothing.

It'’s not very fun,

but like the name says,
it'’s safe,

and unlike soccer,
women get paid the same as men.

Fine.

You know what?
You win.

Actually, Mrs. Otto,
no one wins in "Be Safe."

That'’s one of
my favorite things about it.

If I could throw my arms up
in frustration right now,

I would.

♪

Hey, Cooper, did you take
the Boosterin out of the bottle?

No, of course not.

Somebody did.

[ Heavy metal music
playing in distance ]

♪

Dad?

[ Music stops ]Wow! Hey, guys!

Get in the car.
It'’s time to get to the debate.

Actually,
I'’ll just run there!

No.

It'’s super humid.

We can'’t have your hair
Bozo-ing out.

We'’ll drive you there.

Good point.

I'’ll do upside-down push-ups
until we leave.

[ Grunting ]

To be safe,
you should dial 9, 1,

and then have your thumb
hovering over the second 1.

♪

Thank you all for coming

to the Westport
City Council Debate.

We have a lot to cover,
so let'’s get started.

Mr. Otto, the cornerstone
of your platform

is to save a field?

Not just any field.

A historic field,

where Israel Bissel
fed his horse.

How do you plan on
funding that endeavor?

I intend to get it on
the National Historical
Landmarks Registry,

where it belongs.

Not only
will it preserve it,

the city will be eligible
for state funding

and tax benefits
to maintain it.

It'’s a win for Westport
and a win for history.

[ Sighs ]

I'’ll tellin'’ ya, man,
Boosterin is the best.

Mr. Hobert,
you are in favor

of building a retail space
on that very field.

Your thoughts?

My thought
is that this town

has gone too long
without a Paula'’s Pretzels.

I was just saying that!

Honey,
wasn'’t I just saying that?

You'’re supposed to be
impartial.

Westport Plaza
will create numerous jobs

and help generate
considerable tax revenue.

Not to mention
it'’ll have an ice cream shop

where they
mix the toppings in

while you'’re watching.

[ Chuckling ]
It'’s spectacular.

Mr. Otto,
care to respond?

Well, yes.

While what Mr. Hobert said
sounds true,

if you look at the statistics
regarding other such properties,

you'’ll find --

What is with
the blinking?

He picked a weird time
to flirt with the moderator.

He'’s just excited.

Sure, he took
four times the dose,

but he'’s four times my size,
right?

Just say "right."

Didn'’t Trevor say
excessive blinking

could be one of
the side effects?

Yeah.
[ Sighs ]

Among others.

There are lots of
possible side effects.

Excessive blinking,
dry mouth...

♪

...dizziness...

Which I think if...
we divert the funds to...

Are we having
an earthquake?

Earthquake!

♪

...and hand tremors.

And that'’s why a vote
for Greg Otto...

...is a vote
for Westport!

Start talking.

I'’m as confused
as you are.

We accidentally
drugged Dad.

Oliver got Boosterin.

Dude!

Hate me today,
thank me tomorrow.

Is that what you were
trying to tell me earlier?

Yeah,
I'’m sorry, Mom.

Our family'’s become
another statistic.

♪

I'’m never
taking B12 again.

I'’m clearly allergic
to it!

You want to tell him?

Tell me what?

Dad...

I got two
Boosterin pills,

and I hid them
in your B12 bottle.

Cooper: You'’re not having
an allergic reaction to B12.

You'’re actually having
a fairly standard reaction

to quadruple
the recommended dose.
Yeah.

What?

You not only
got Boosterin,

but then you drugged me
with it

on the night of my debate?

I'’m sorry.

Really.

I got it because I thought
it would help with my midterms.

But after watching you
fight off those imaginary...

I think it was bats?

Bees, actually.

Either way,

I promise you I will never
go near Boosterin again.

Good.
You don'’t need it.

You'’ll have plenty of time
to study for midterms,

because you'’re grounded.

Indefinitely.

[ Sighs ]

How you feeling?

Like I'’m gonna get my butt
kicked in the election.

You get knocked down,
and you get up again.

I believe in you.

Aww. Thanks so much.

That'’s exactly
what I needed to hear.

Plus, you'’re assuming
that anyone

is paying attention
to this debate --

or the election
for that matter.

No one cares, honey.

In the future,
after I say "thank you,"

you can just stop.

♪

[ Knock on door ]

Trip.
What are you doing here?

I just spent three hours
staring at that statue,

trying to come up
with something to say about it,

and here'’s what I got --

it is not sturdy enough
for a human to climb on.

You didn'’t
have to do that.

Yes, I did.

Because I'’m not doing
something right,

and I'’m trying
to do better.

It'’s okay.

I love it.

Oh, that'’s not for you.

I got it for Anna-Kat.

I picked this up for her
at your student union.

I thought
she might like it.

You'’re the sweetest guy
in the world.

Thank you,

but the sweetest guy
in the world

is the UPS driver
I saw on the news.

He gives out hugs
with every package.

[ Chuckles ]
Come on.

I'’m taking you
on a date.
Where?

Well, I figured since
you'’re getting into art,

maybe we could go to
Color Me Mine.

Some kid rented it out
for his birthday,

but his mom said we could come
if we bring a gift.

[ Laughs ]

I'’ll be down
in a second.
Okay.

[ Cellphone keyboard clacking ]

♪

I really thought

that I was doing my younger kids
a disservice

by always letting them
take the safe route.

But at the same time,

my teenager
is dying to take risks,

and I want him
to be safer.

[ Sighs ]

Being a mom makes you
and everyone around you crazy.

It'’s why shows
like "Snapped" exist.

Sometimes, it'’s just about

finding the middle ground,
ladies.

And Dale.

I see you, Dale.

So, the three of us came up
with a new game together.

We combined my mom'’s game,
"Shark in the Water,"

with our game,
"Be Safe."

It'’s called
"The Water'’s Dirty,

So Don'’t Get Wet Unless
You Absolutely Have To,

Because Everyone Wins When
You Put Safety First."

Believe it or not,

the title used to be longer
and mentioned cholera.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Whoa!

This is fun.

[ Sighs ]
I just watched "Free Solo."

Now I know
how that guy feels.

I'’m playing, too.

Come here!

I got you![ Bone cracks ]

Oh! Oh!
[ Breathing heavily ]

Oops!

Dislocated
my shoulder again.

No problem.
Just gonna knock it back in.

[ Grunts ][ Shoulder cracks ]

[ Anna-Kat and Franklin scream ]

Ohhh!

Aah!

Probably should call
a doctor.

[ Sighs ]

Yep.
That'’s what I should do.

Are you guys
sure about this?

Yeah. The net'’s up,
we'’re going one at a time.

We'’re totally good.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Nice job.

I think I'’m getting
the hang of this.

You know what?

I don'’t think
this is for me.

Oh.

♪