Original subtitles

Hello, glorious audience.

It is I, Ember, god of Fillory.

Feel free to bow and grovel. I'll wait.

Oh, but I've got so much to tell you.

I, with minor help from my brother Umber... R.I.P....

created a world intricate as filigree,

and that is what I called it,

except I was a bit drunk, so... Fillory.

Chock stuffed with magic,

chatty animals,

sexy creatures.

Really, what a planet.

I calibrated everything for maximum entertainment.

I decreed it be ruled by children of Earth,

a glum little planet known for its plucky magicians.

These brave souls would come,

and when they got boring, off they went.

Case in point, Martin Chatwin.

Brave, clever boy, born hero,

yet honestly, very uncomfortable to watch

once he'd been molested.

So, I made the difficult decision

to kick him out and replace him

with someone more punchy and fun,

but Martin was more tenacious than I gave him credit for.

He drank from the Wellspring to get strong,

screwing Fillory in the process,

and set booby traps for my brother and me,

and before you know it, Umber's dead

and I'm hiding in stupid Loria.

I'm so fu... ing bored, children of Earth.

Cut to... Martin's mutated

into a terrible beast in a dapper suit.

Enter Quentin Coldwater and his friends...

the Addict, the Victim,

the Bitch, the Scowl,

and the Martyr.

I bestowed my blessing,

and they set out to kill The Beast.

Of course, they failed.

Twist! They had to start from scratch

with The Beast. Thrilling.

The danger of sublimated trauma is a major theme in our story,

evidenced by Julia and Martin teaming up

to kill the Earth god who violated her.

All very ambiguous and poignant... I know!

Julia's partnership also threw a massive wrench

into Quentin's works. Gut-wrenching!

I was forced to intervene. Cameo!

I have the befouled the Wellspring.

Wasn't it tragic when Alice died?

Wasn't it scary when she became a niffin?

The personal nature of her story

subverted Quentin's hero's journey nicely.

Character is destiny and, ultimately,

Quentin is a Magician of intellect who nevertheless,

and to his detriment, acts from his heart.

But I did other things too!

Like lead Quentin to that Candy Witch.

Don't worry, that'll pay off.

I hid the Wellspring ball in plain sight,

made the Rainbow Bridge bloom,

stole from the River Watcher

so he'd be good and angry when Penny stiffed him.

Oh, I know, good one.

It was I who caused the High King's bride

to ovulate on the right day, leading to...

Preg-nant!

Ultimately leading to...

[falsetto] The fairies can bring back the Wellspring?

- They can. - [falsetto] And in return?

A royal child of Whitespire.

Take her to the dungeon.

He will transport you to the fairy realm.

I repeatedly broke the filtration system

so the Wellspring would be unpredictable and fun.

All those pesky "brownouts"? Moi!

To be sure, the Order is on to me.

They're in a panic about the Great Blank Spot,

surmising a fatal hit to the Wellspring.

True, I am nearly finished with Fillory.

Every chapter must end,

and on the eve of my benevolent destruction

I'm getting it all out of my system.

Like causing sudden climate change

that kills entire tedious species of wildlife,

turning people into delicious rats.

All the babies this week woke up with no mouths.

- Oh, horrifying! - [screams]

I bet you're wondering what happens next,

and that is how I know I've done my job well.

Sit back, have a nice pipe of marijuana,

and enjoy my grand opus.

I call it Fillory's Last Gasp.

[wind howling]

I just miss the fire, okay?

Drink this.

What is it?

Renders you unable to harm your own body.

[whispers] This is all pointless, Q.

You can't medicate me away.

Just fu... drink it.

All of it.

[burps] Ugh.

Why did you bring me back?

Why do you keep asking me that?

I... [scoffs]

I watched you almost die trying to bring your brother back.

You loved him. I love you.

[scoffs]

I'd like to be alone now.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

[coughing]

I take that to mean I'm improving.

Well, your skin's healing.

Obviously, your lungs are,

to use a technical term, fu... ed,

but more importantly...

Just say it.

You have lesions on your spine,

and they're growing aggressively.

Cancer.

Call it cancer plus.

Whatever you were exposed to has spell residue all over it.

So a magician did this?

Well, if so, it may be a code we can crack.

How long?

Well, it's hard to say, but I have my entire department working on it...

I mean how long till I die if you don't crack it?

Two or three weeks.

But I promise you, we are doing everything we can to...

- Yeah. [grunts] - Okay...

I'm not waiting to die in a hospital bed.

- Okay, I don't think... - I'm not!

[groans]

- Can we talk please? - Yes.

[scoffs]

[grunts]

Hey, there, hot stuff.

No offense... you might look as bad as I do.

I doubt that.

You're dying.

All I am is a little strung out.

Kady...

What? It's not about me.

What happened?

Tell me.

Reynard's gone.

I should be happy, but...

it wasn't how I wanted it.

It's not enough.

God, I feel like bashing my head into a wall.

[sniffs, groans]

Why can't anything just be fixed?

Life, I guess.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

[sniffs]

I don't want you to die.

Of course not.

I'm the best lay of your life.

[laughs] Shut up.

What are we gonna do?

Wrap our minds around it.

Kady, let's not waste time being mad, okay?

I'm just gonna find Quentin and Eliot,

just gonna make a couple pit stops first.

[distant horns honk] [sirens wail]

[sniffs]

[door opens and closes]

That's, um... a nice sconce.

- Did you, um... - Spit it out.

You want something.

Yeah.

First...

[exhales]

Are you okay?

I'm whole again.

W...

Which is a... a good thing.

If by good you mean crying jags

and mountains of guilt and panic attacks,

then, yeah, I'm doing fu... great.

And since I better be getting back to one of them soon,

whether I like it or not, how can I help you?

Q says you have an amulet that would make me invisible to a god.

[groans]

[overlapping sounds]

[sighs]

[sobs]

Um, I don't pretend to understand what you've been through,

but I can tell you

the way you're relating to that couch is not unknown to me.

Then you know I want to be alone.

And, um, also that you probably shouldn't be right now.

Why do you care?

I... just do.

Come with me...

and help me try to convince Ember to let us keep Fillory.

- Why? - Because I have never met

anyone less willing to take no for an answer.

But I betrayed you, remember?

[inhales deeply]

That was a long time ago.

[clears throat] I need help, and you do too.

Let's kill a few birds.

What do you say? Wanna put some pants on

and help me save all of magic?

[ethereal music]

♪ ♪

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com

I'll go talk to Eliot and Quentin.

- Uh, Kady... - Just tell Penny

that I went to find a quiet place and do some dope.

I'm ready to leave when he is.

Look... here's the deal.

I just read your book in the library, both volumes.

My book? Why?

Because it ends the way they all do in a couple days,

with 20 blank pages.

Something's about to happen, something magical

and really fu... bad, and I think it's...

It's Ember. He's been doing all sorts of fu... up shit in Fillory,

bucket list shit.

What's in my book?

You do your recon,

find out Prince Ess of Loria has taken Whitespire.

Shit.

Then kidnap Idri, who I guess is a rat,

turn him back, then camp here trying to find the perfect spell

to force Ember to keep his mitts off of Fillory.

But if my book ends, then...

Then... exactly.

We know that doesn't work,

so you need to do anything else... anything.

Pick a plan and commit.

If it's written, isn't it written?

Yes, but I think you can change it.

Okay, so we can save Fillory

if we subscribe to a "free will" view of the universe,

which is fair.

So what am I supposed to do?

Go. Get Idri.

Hurry.

I just got one thing I gotta button up.

[door opens]

Hey.

I calculated a portal to Tahiti.

Hold up.

No.

You warned them.

You've done enough. You get to be done.

I'm sorry. Believe me, I'd rather...

No, none of it matters, Penny.

[whoosh]

Oh, come on!

Penny, you're needed at once.

- I'm busy. - Bit of an emergency.

We need our full staff.

Are you crazy?

He's dying.

Yes, because he went into a restricted area,

which lethally poisoned him and puts him on strict probation,

but most assuredly does not mean he's excused from work.

We'll take every step to keep him comfortable.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Kady, knowledge itself is at stake.

That is more important than any single one of us.

I'll give you a moment to say good-bye.

No. No, not good-bye.

- Kady, listen, I... - No, I'm telling you,

[whoosh] this isn't fair.

God damn it!

Fu...!

Just crack the damn lock.

Hurry, before some fairy asshole sees us.

I'm going as fast as I can.

Fen? Are you okay?

Sweetie, do you know where you are?

A plane laid atop our own,

so the Fairy Castle and Whitespire actually occupy

the same space and time, but two dimensions.

Or possibly the same dimension, but incredibly sped up

like that one episode of "Star Trek" where...

Just get the damn chain, Josh.

No.

Not without my baby. They took her away.

You have to come with us, okay?

Get the goddamn shackles, Hoberman.

[chains clink] Grab her with me. Come on.

Hey. Come on. [door opens]

There you are.

The Queen will see you now.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[crickets chirping]

[frogs croaking]

[croaking]

You've been making yourself quite at home,

sneaking around my castle.

It's actually more like my castle

that you guys have made some weird AM radio version of.

What is it that you seek, rude little Earth girl?

The woman and child you stole.

You made a deal.

That deal was inhumane bullshit

made under total duress.

Look...

just tell me what you want, okay, lady?

The child is mine.

Now on to the business at hand.

No, the baby is the business.

Ember is dangerously bored of Fillory.

You underestimated how devastating it can be

to displease a god.

We've been trying to get ahold of Ember for months.

He ignores us.

Because you ask for things.

Offer something to him instead.

How do you know all this?

As it is in our shared interest for your High King to succeed,

I'm inclined to let you go help him.

Great. Josh, Fen, the baby and I will go right now.

You know it doesn't work that way.

Now, are you familiar with this?

- No. - But goddamn.

[sniffs] Smells good. [laughs]

Even better to a god.

It will draw Ember.

Take it. Bake it into...

I know this one. Little cakes.

He loves little cakes.

Okay.

Point the way back.

Certainly.

As soon as I've exacted the toll.

Travel from this world costs, dear.

I don't make the rules.

Oh, that's right. Yes, I do.

We'll be seeing each other soon I suspect.

[dark music]

♪ ♪

So, how's Alice?

- Eliot, I... - We need your help, Q.

You gave her the no-secret-cutting shit

- from the keg, right? - Yes.

Physically, she's perfectly safe,

but mentally... whew!

What am I supposed to do?

[quiet music]

♪ ♪

You know what you learn when you're a High King?

Screwing up is inevitable,