Original subtitles

Once upon a time,

a very wealthy man had the great misfortune

to fall out of a plane.

As he fell,

the wind stripped him off his designer suit,

his Italian patent shoes, crocodile wallet,

gold watch, everything.

And when he eventually hit the Earth he was

all but naked.

The strange thing was

when they found his broken body

he was smiling,

but that never made any sense to me.

Hey that's me done, I'm out of here.

You've only got yourself to blame.

Look at this,

look at it; phone, gas, electric, all final demands.

They're taking the telly back,

'cause we haven't paid him.

You know Oprah was my only salvation.

All these years, all these years I've wasted

on mediocrity and look where it's got me.

What's it got me, aye?

I haven't even got a pot to piss in.

Yeah, I know how that feels.

Yeah well, that's about to change.

I've met someone else.

What?

Someone who can take proper care of me.

Just say something to me.

What do you want me to say?

I mean anything.

I mean that dress is a bit short, isn't it?

Don't do that.

Here you go.

There you go.

Get yourself down the pawn shop, aye,

go and buy yourself a consolation beer,

or better still get yourself a new suit, aye.

Nice.

What was I thinking an insurance salesman.

- I'm a loss adjuster, Angie. - Aye, yeah.

Well, deal with this loss,

and I won't be needing these anymore either.

Someone in North London can get

to claim the winning lottery ticket.

What are you looking at you old bint?

Martin, open the damn door.

Please Martin.

Angie, Angie.

Hey, I got you Angie, Angie, I can't let you...

- Martin. - It's me.

It's still me, Angie.

Oh, damn it.

Hello Polly.

Hello, Mr. Dyer.

You're hard to get hold of this morning.

I hope you aren't avoiding me.

Anyway, I've got you now and it's a busy day

- ahead for you. - There's no need.

Polly, I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this...

One moment, I've got multiple calls coming through.

Good morning, Glipton Millgrove, Polly speaking,

could you hold the line, please?

Sorry about that.

Right, so your first appointment is scheduled

with Mrs. Rogerton-Sykes.

She's at 9:15.

Quite close to actually, Highgate, a burglary.

Nice and simple.

Police verified everything,

but she's since added a few more items.

No, no, but...

Next up is Mr. Gimpole in Totteridge.

Someone has chopped down his prize rhododendrons

that he was planning to enter

into the Chelsea Flower Show next year,

so you'll need to establish the size of the plants

before we can entertain the size of the claims,

bit tricky that one but I'm sure you'll manage.

And next, Mr. And Mrs. Smallwood in Finchley,

a house fire claiming for absolutely everything, so...

- Polly stop. - No wait,

forget the Smallwoods.

Fire Service's haven't filled their report yet.

- Oh and your favorite, - Polly stop.

dear old Dr. Wicksteed.

Can you believe the lodges flooded the bathroom

through the ceiling again?

Polly, my wife left me today.

Oh, and he's absolutely adamant

that he won't see anyone else apart from you.

I mean, it's not surprising really,

you don't get voted the company's number one loss adjuster

three years running without being the best.

Oh yes, okay, okay, just e-mail the details to me,

and I'll...

Yeah, I already done, Mr. Dyer,

I sent you last night.

You have a lovely day and be sure

to give my best to Mrs. Dyer, okay?

Yes, I'll be sure to tell her, bye, bye.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I just got here.

Well, happy Christmas.

It would have been cheaper to stay in bed.

Yes.

Yes, hello, this is Mr. Dyer for Mrs. Rogerton-Sykes.

Enter.

Okay, let's do this.

Hello there, Mrs. Rogerton-Sykes.

Mr. Dyer, you are late.

Yes, I know the traffic was very...

Yes, the traffic usually is

that's entirely predictable

and should be planned for, don't you think?

Yes, absolutely, I apologize.

You have a lovely home.

This way.

Do you take tea?

I have Lapsang Souchong or Earl grey?

Oh, that's lovely, maybe a coffee would be nice.

Coffee?

I'm afraid we don't take coffee.

Not to worry then.

Shall we get on with it?

Okay, yes, of course.

So Mrs. Rogerton-Sykes I see,

in addition to the items listed in your police report,

I see that you've noted a few extra missing items.

Missing, are you suggesting they might actually

not be missing?

Oh my goodness, no, I wouldn't,

Mr. Dyer, do I look like I need

to defraud an insurance claim?

No, no but you...

Mr. Dyer, this has been the most terrible shock,

an absolute violation.

I think that I listed everything correctly,

but in my distressed state maybe I,

it was obviously an oversight.

I am the victim after all.

Of course, you are.

This is really just a formality,

and these are question I have to ask unfortunately.

I should have insured with Legal and General.

My late husband always said that we should.

As usual, he was right.

He was a sanctimonious bastard.

They wouldn't have treated me like a fraudster.

I'm so sorry for your loss,

I really am.

Was it recent?

Not that long ago.

If I didn't know any better,

I would have thought he planned the whole thing,

and now he just leaves me alone in my prime.

Well, no and of course, I doubt that,

I mean you know a charming figure

of a woman like you.

Oh, you really think so?

Have you experienced loss, Mr. Dyer?

Well, actually I have, very recently,

well, this morning, my wife she left me.

Oh, no, oh, what a terrible shock,

and right before Christmas,

oh, you must be in pieces.

Let me get you a whiskey.

Oh no, thank you.

I'm driving and everything.

Come.

Really, okay.

Did you love her madly?

Yes, I suppose I did.

Well, of course you did,

and so here we both are lonely, abandoned, lost.

There's only one cure for a fall, Martin.

Can I call you Martin?

Yes off course, please do.

Get back on the horse.

You know, my husband wasn't a very tactile man,

and he always made me feel lonely

even when we were married.

How do you mean?

He never made me feel like a real woman.

I'm sure you are extremely special

to your husband, Mrs. Rogers.

- Please call me Margaret. - Okay, Margaret, okay.

Yes, well, Margaret,

I believe we can approve all

of the missing items on your list,

and I really think there's no need

to make you suffer any more than you already have.

I think it's a very unfortunate burglary if I'm honest.

Oh, I don't mind going through the details again with you,

- It does. - I really don't,

and if you like I can find some coffee

for you in one of the cupboards.

I'm sure the cooks left something there.

You've gone to so much trouble for me today, really...

Thank you, Martin, you're so kind.

They said you were.

They did?

Yes, they said that you're kind, and compassionate,

and that you only cared for others.

Well, thank you, Margaret.

I do try my best.

You know, Martin, it's only when you've lost everything

that you realize what you're really missing.

Well, what about you stay for a spot of lunch,

I could get a cook to do some oysters?

I'm sure you know about oysters don't you...

Yes, yes, of course, it is a lovely offer, Margaret.

I really do have to get going though.

It's getting late.

Well, another time then.

Maybe we could go shopping.

Shopping?

Yes, you could accompany me to the Ivy,

after I bought you a new suit

just a little Christmas gift from me.

Just the coffee actually.

Oh, that's okay.

Look, I realize you're very busy,

but I really would like it.

Yes.

And I really would like if you could call me sometime.

- Yes of course. - Would you?

Yes.

Martin?

- Merry Christmas. - Oh, Merry Christmas.

That's the European way.

It's very charming.

Thank you, Margaret.

Thank you, thank you, Margaret.

- Thank you. - Goodbye.

Mr. Dyer, Ms. Rogerton-Sykes has

just been on the phone,

only there's a few items she forgot about,

and wondered if you could pop back later.

No, it's okay.

Polly it's okay, whatever she puts on the list please

just approve it, it's okay.

Okay, for sure.

I'm more than okay.

No need for me to go back again.

Right okay, bye, bye, bye.

Goodness me.

I'm staying here with the two of these...

Martin, Martin, my name.

Mr. Dyer, Mr. Dyer, Mr. Dyer, goodness me.

So the news my local news is

that somebody near me has won the lottery ticket,

so if you live in Highgate or Totteridge,

please check your tickets.

Tell me Nicodema did you check yours?

[Woman[ I didn't even enter It, Donnie.

Polly, could I, actually I need to ask you a question.

Yes, Mr. Dyer?

Actually not a work related question.

Do you think there's something wrong with my suit?

Polly?

Sorry, I have another call, I have to go.

What?

You tosser!

How about this one?

Oh, I like that.

It's lovely, thank you.

I think she will like this.

She's a lucky lady.

Well, I think I'm the lucky one, actually.

So how many?

How many years have you been married?

Sorry five years.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Do you think she will like this?

Well off course.

All women love flowers.

You know, it's lovely here.

I can't imagine who'd ever get bored of it.

No, never.

- Okay. - Yes.

Enter your pin, please.

Oh, this changes, it's a new card,

I don't understand.

Is it a joint account?

Could your wife have a little surprise for you perhaps?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Mr. Dyer.

Yeah, hello.

Mr. Gimpole, nice to see you today.

Call me Gimp.

Gimp.

Everyone else does.

Follow me, lad.

Follow me.

You know much about flowers, do you Dyer?

Well, not really, Mr. Gimp.

It's a, oh, dear, but I do know what a rose looks like.

I thought as much not that it matters,

I'll show you what's happened,

and you'll get an idea.

Oh dear.

Sorry, I thought you'd be more prepared,

otherwise, I had had a found you some wellies.

You see these specimens here.

Oh yes, they're very nice, Mr. Gimp.

No Dyer, they are nothing compared to my rhododendrons.

The bastards knew I would win of course.

Bastards.

Next May's Flower show, Dyer.

They cut down what was to be my prize exhibits.

Well you don't know what to say, Mr. Gimp.

Well, there's nothing you can say really.

But I would imagine of course that the priority here is

to establish exactly what these rhododendrons are worth

to you, Mr. Gimp.

Nothing that money can replace.

Their beauty was priceless,

the color, the shape, the very touch.

Can you zip me up darling?

Okay.

Why it's not just the prestige, you know,

the honour of receiving an award.

Of course Mr. Gimp.

Dyer?

These were a hybrid you see.

A complete one off I'd the spent years affecting the species

A new species.

Oh my, this must be akin to losing a child.

Wow, I guess it's similar.

As in fact as you, you feed it, you water it.

You shower it with love and attention.

You cherish it.

You protect it,

and then some bastard runs off with it.

I know exactly what you mean.

My God, you've lost a child.

Oh no, Mr. Gimp,

but somebody did nick my wife.

Martin, Martin, thank you so much for coming out.

Do come in.

Good to see you again.

So good to see you.

Come in.

Oh, it's okay, you have something.

Oh, please let me give it to you.

That feels nothing important.

Oh my goodness, thank you, there we go.

Come in, come in.

Welcome, welcome.

Oh my goodness, I'm sorry to have ask this question,

what's that awful smell?

Yeah, a rat.

A rat where?

A dead one under there,

judging from the concentrated potency.

Oh dear, have you called anyone?

Environmental health.

They can't get anyone round till Monday,

but this smell is intolerable,

so I have to get the little devil up myself.

No, please Norman, let me help you.

- Wait. - Well, look at this.

- That's a non-invented cause. - Yes.

Okay, come on, let me help you.

I'm gonna need a flat head screwdriver

and oh, a hammer if you have...

I have the toolbox is there.

Are you sure about this, Martin?

Well, as long as he's dead.

Yes.

Also do you have any plastic bags?

Yes, yes, I do.

The twins save them for me.

It's part of their green intentions,

but they never remember to reuse them.

I have a drawer full.

- Oh, thank you. - Would you like a peg?

I'm okay.

Yeah, I think the plastic bags are fine.

Can I do anything to help?

Oh, one of your lovely coffees will be great.

Right, I'm way ahead of you.

The coffee is already made.

- Careful. - Thank you.

- Have you found it? - I think I have.

Ah, let me see.

Have a look.

Right there, you see him?

My goodness, look at the size of it.

It's a bit of a monster.

Must be a sewer rat.

Got him.

Oh, well done, Martin.

Oh thank you so much.

Oh, thank you.

Well, that's a nice bag.

Ah shit, maybe I can give this to the wife.

- Aye? - Nothing.

Oh look, might have you have turn those taps back off

- I'd hope. - No.

How many times has it been there, Norman?

A fair few.

I am sorry, Martin.

I hadn't meant to be a burden to you.

Norman, please don't say such a thing.

I have to be honest with you

if they didn't flood you out

every few months I think I might be disappointed.

Really?

Well, to be honest, I kind of I would be

with this old friends you and me.

You mean you don't go rat catching for all your clients?

Now come on let's straighten out your living room,

we've gotta sort your claim out.

We got him.

Oh, remove the thing.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Still stinks.

Good coffee.

So Martin, something's troubling you.

I'm here to look after you.

Of course, but you are troubled, I can tell.

It's good to talk, you know.

I used to tell that to my patients.

Did it help?

Nah, not really.

But I got a few extra Christmas cards.

Now there's a bonus.

Life is short yet we spend nearly all

of our time pretending that we're fine

when we're anything but.

It cannot have escaped your attention

that I'm of an age that defies much more longevity.

Stop that Norman you're fighting fit and raring to go.

Fighting fit,

raring to go.

Raring to go, I suppose I am.

Norman, is everything okay?

I never had children you know.

I'm confused, what about the twins?

Oh, they're not mine.

No, their mom was my patient.

I've known them since they were babies.

They're very sweet.

They do some shopping and laundry for me.

No, my late wife couldn't conceive,

and after she went back in the '70s,

I fell in love with the freedom

that comes with the bachelor life.

Wow, '70s, huh?

She must have been so young.

Sorry, I know, she didn't die.

No, she buggered it off with the neighbor.

Oh dear, it must be catching.

Aha, so it's wife troubles.

Yes.

I'm sorry to share this,

but my wife left me this morning, Norman.

Oh Martin,

I'm so sorry.

It's funny you know, it's been a long time coming,

and I'm sure I would have seen the signs

if I had just been looking.

You do love me, don't you, Aiden?

Yes, my life.

Why did you have to go for so long?

Glasgow is a long way, aye babe?

24 hours traveling, there and back

plus two days to recuperate,

that brings the month down to 24 days,

that's barely three weeks to finish the legals,

and I don't work weekends,

so that's really only 15 days.

After closing joint bank accounts

that would be at least three days.

Three?

There's a process.

Got to get appointments with the managers

which will give me 12 days.

Then I have to pay off the joint bills, terminate the leckie

and gas accounts, another two days, so 10 left.

I can't go halfway around the world

without visiting mom and dad for a couple of days.

Then my sister and she aint close.

Do have you any idea how how big Oz is?

Two days driving there and back,

plus a day with her at least,

that'll give me...

Five, five days left.

Yeah, right, five days in which to sell my car,

pack up my life and move the other side of the world.

No biggie, right?

Okay, just because I want you back here with me

as soon as possible that's all.

Well, be patient.

In a month, I'll be free to be with you.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I understand all this,

why don't you come back to bed.

I have a pub to run.

Well, can't Rob manage by himself for once.

Rob?

He's only a bar man.

Well, so how is he gonna manage then

when the landlord's away?

Well, maybe he won't,

and then I'll have no business to come back to.

Did you sort out the money?

Yeah, I transferred it yesterday.

It should be in by Friday.

It is gonna be enough isn't it?

'Cause I'm not sure I can get my hands on anymore.

Yes, my love.

Thank you.

Oh, and babe, slip out the back door, will you?

We don't wanna attract attention, aye.

I'm so sorry.

Where has she gone?

I don't know, Norman.

To be honest with you it could be a number of men.

I see.

Money is the issue?

I really don't wanna bore you

with my financial difficulties, Norman,

but my wife she wants a better life.

The life of Riley.

I see and don't we all.

But payback comes to Riley in the end one way or another.

What do you mean?

What goes around comes around.

Look at it positively.

She can't nag about your suit,

or tell you to shave your beard,

or throw out your beer cans.

The glass is always half full, Martin.

Being a single man can be liberating.

I've never been.

You mentioned my suit.

I was being metaphorical, Martin.

I think you are truly rather remarkable.

You really must learn to appreciate the value

of your virtues,

but you're too modest by far

which in itself is another of your virtues.

Martin, I wish I'd had a son,

it's my greatest regret,

but you have made me realise that

if I had had a son

I would like him to have been just like...

Norman.

Norman.

Norman.

Norman.

- Hey. - Hello.

I'm friends with Norman.

I can help.

Who are you?

Sorry, I know Norman.

Oh, you know him.

What is this?

I'm here to help him clean up.

Okay, yes come in.

So, how can I help you?

That's a nice tie.

Excuse me, you can't just barge in here.

Oh that is a terrible stink, is that the rat?

Oh yes, it is actually.

Hold on how do you know about that?

Oh no, please don't touch him, he's not well.

You can say that again.

Is he okay?

Of course, he's not okay.

He's brown bread.

Oh goodness me.

This day is really turning out to be the most awful day.

Yeah, I don't think his is turning out too great either.

Excuse me, what are you doing?

What?

It's not like he needs any more anymore.

I think you shoved your missus under the floorboards

if I didn't know any better.

What, wait what?

Do you want another coffee?

You look like you need it.

Oh no, thank you, actually,

I'd rather have something stronger.

It's good idea.

Screw it.

There you go, here.

Would you.

No thanks.

But you said.

I said it was good idea but I don't drink.

Poor Norman.

All right, come on mate get a grip.

He's just another client to you.

No, he's not.

He's a lovely lovely old man.

He was.

Okay, fair enough he was, and who you are you?

You're not the bloody tenant, are you?

What?

No.

The bedsit's empty.

I don't understand that doesn't make sense,

because I'm here because of this,

it just happened.

I'm the loss adjuster.

I know who you are,

but the place is empty.

Trust me, I know these things.

I'm the hoover man.

Hoover man, what does that mean?

I keep the place clean.

- You get me? - No.

Okay, ambulance.

If you think that's wise.

Why is that?

Who is that?

How the hell should I know.

Go and see.

Well, what about Norman?

I'm sure he won't mind.

I don't mean like that, what do we say about him?

It doesn't matter what you say about him,

because no one's ever gonna know I was here,

and I aint got prints all over the gaff unlike some.

What are you trying to suggest?

Well, from the way I see it,

you've came in, upended his floorboards,

moved his furniture around,

and last thing I see you've giving the old bloke a hug,

now he's out and your DNA is everywhere, mate.

He just keeled over.

From where I'm standing.

it doesn't quite look like that.

Steed honey,

Mummy is here, you naughty boy.

Your boy's got a tart.

Shut up, shut up.

Where are you?

What do I say to her?

Tell her he's sleeping,

just get rid of her.

- Sleeping? - Yeah.

Okay, that works.

That's good stay here.

Hello there

- Hello there lover. - Hello.

He didn't say there'll be three of us today.

Three of us.

- But I'm fine with three. - All right, that's me.

Especially if the third one is as cute as you.

Hello madam, you are?

- I'm Purdy. - Hello Purdy,

and he's my steed.

- Get it? - Oh steed.

Excuse me, madam, madam.

Aw, my baby is sleeping, aw.

Oh, and he's not very warm.

Poor darling.

What in the hell's name is that smell?

Oh, it's a rat, it's a dead rat.

Does it smell that bad upstairs?

Well, I actually, I don't think it does actually.

Well thank the lord,

'cause it doesn't exactly whet my appetite

if you know what I'm saying.

Get my Steedy a blanket,

and join me upstairs.

Ms. Purdy, probably I must tell you I'm, I'm...

Shy honey.

I honestly I'm a little out of shape,

but I'm just a loss adjuster.

Role play, whatever you want honey.

Yowza!

What was that?

What that was Martin, is the funniest thing

I have ever seen.

How do you know my name?

Hey, you tell me who you are,

and what you're doing here right now?

Yeah, all right, keep your hair on.

Oh dear, the smell of that thing.

Uncle Norman, it's us, Georgia and Mimi.

Who are you?

Who are you?

Oh, the twins.

Oh, we asked first.

Oh yes, yes, yes, right, I am, I'm Martin.

- Oh, you're Martin. - Oh, you're Martin.

Yes, yes.

- You look awful. - I do?

Doesn't he Georgia?

And he smells funny too.

Well, actually I don't really smell.

It's something.

And I'm sure you know where everything is.

What am I doing?

You don't even think about it, get back in.

Oh, you again?

Didn't your mama teach you any manners?

How about You try knocking?

I think you do enough knocking for all of us.

That's very rude young lady.

You can put them away and then you can scram.

I thought she only came on Thursdays.

And Mondays honey.

Where's uncle Norman he owes us 20 quid?

For a service wash that's robbery.

Yeah well, not all of us earn our money lying down.

Some of us actually graft for our money.

Young lady, I never...

Save it.

We really don't wanna know.

Our mom says you're his strumpet.

One thing, could you find a new body lotion?

It's a nightmare to get off the sheets.

Brats.

- Tart. - Tart.

Oh, hello there, how are you?

Uncle Norman owes us 20 quid,

do you know where he is?

He's actually sleeping right now?

Sleeping, where?

Oh, he's the sofa just resting.

Can you wake him up?

He's got an aerobics session with Holly Golightly upstairs,

and she's getting cranky.

Well, I'm sure, I mean, I don't think he's gonna be up

for that today if I'm honest

but you know what? I can pay you the 20 pounds.

Oh, that's 20 each.

- Each? - Yeah.

One second.

Here you go.

Oh, what is at stink?

You see it's not me actually, it's a rat a dead one.

Oh woozy bad.

Let me see.

- Where is it? - Here you go.

No, you really don't want to see it.

It's dead and it's in the bag.

It's horrible.

You touched it, bloody disgusting.

Just like your language young lady,

and in front of Norman.

I thought he was sleeping.

Well, yes, he is sleeping.

Well, he can't hear us then can he?

Yes, have a lovely day goodbye.

- Sucker. - One born every minute.

Thanks, say hi to uncle Norman

when he wakes up.

Little terrors.

Okay, I need to get going.

You're not going anyway not until you explain

to me what's going on here?

I'll tell you just stop gripping my Ralphie.

Your what?

My hoodie, it's Ralph Lauren.

I like nice clothes.

It looks pretty expensive for a kid like you.

Perks of the job.

Oh yes, that's right a hoover man.

So how do you know me?

You know more importantly how do they know me?

Well, Norman was pretty fond of you.

It's probably how they know you, me, I know your Angie.

I never actually met you though.

What did you say?

Angie, you mean my wife, Angie?

Yeah, she's shacked up with my dad now.

You really aint got a clue, huh?

No, I don't,

but it might have something to do with the fact

of the day I had before I even got here,

and I lost a very dear friend today.

On top of that, I just found out that my wife,

my wife is playing housie with your old man.

Do you really think I don't know

that this suit might not be the height of fashion?

Time is money honey.

What's taking you boys so long.

It's truth time.

What is your name?

Sam.

Okay Sam, start talking.

Okay, do you remember

when Angie ran up those massive credit card bills?

Are you okay, babe.

Am I?

I'm just worried that you,