Original subtitles

Previously on "The Magicians"...

- No, no, no. - Don't you fucking touch her.

Fine, I'll take you first.

No! No.

Now!

- Julia. - Move!

Wait.

I had Reynard. I had The Beast.

Man, fuck this. We're out.

The chain was the only thing keeping my hand from--

Sorry. Not my problem.

Do you know what a Niffin is?

It's when too much runs through you,

consumes you.

Only the magic is left.

Hard to cast when you're sliced in two.

What is she doing?

She can't. She'll Niffin out.

Alice, stop.

Let's finally finish this.

He did it on purpose.

Alice, don't.

- Five surgeries. - He'll recover.

I know we're being serious right now,

but that surgeon has the biggest dick.

Eliot, it's time to go.

Our kingdom awaits.

With The Beast dead, there's a power vacuum in Fillory.

Power vacuum?

Hello? High King and Queen right here.

We, of course, recognize your rule, but others--

Everyone assumes you'll be dead soon...

or you'll run away or vanish or go mad.

There are stirrings of rebellion

in the Southern Orchard, the Outer Islands,

refusal to pay the Crown's taxes.

You know who loves paying taxes?

People with broken legs.

Abigail would remind you

that money cannot fill the Wellspring.

Without it, Fillory withers.

Okay, well, we talked about this.

When someone drops a log at a public pool,

you just send a kid with a net to fish it out.

The befouling was substantial, Your Majesty.

We've employed several filtration systems,

but the Wellspring isn't recovering fast enough.

If there was a royal appeal to Ember himself--

Okay, we can't find him.

He's not in his temple or his filthy sex cave.

We need to devote more resources.

We're going to build a monument

to our fallen queen--

a statue, I think...

100 feet high.

Do you know what that would cost?

I don't care how much it costs.

I want designs drawn up and funds...

funded immediately.

Can you give us a moment?

I said get the fuck out.

So that's the plan, huh--

blow all our cash on sappy nonsense,

bankrupt the kingdom?

We have to do something.

Alice was our friend.

No. She wasn't.

Alice was a package deal. She came with Quentin.

Somebody skipped her colonic this morning.

For whatever stupid reason,

you're the High King of an entire land.

You have to be responsible, Eliot.

Since when are you Fillory Clinton?

Since I'm me.

My crown is just as heavy as yours.

You can leave whenever you feel like it.

You can go back to Brakebills.

You can do whatever you goddamn want.

I don't belong here.

I'm not ready to be a king.

I wasn't done being me.

It was so much simpler when there was just

one giant evil dick trying to kill us.

- Now we're just-- - Grown-ups.

How did this happen?

I have an idea... to help you.

- Like a loophole? - Mm-hmm.

You're gonna ironically abandon me here to go find it.

I'll be back. I promise.

I know you...

Will.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Hey.

Kady?

Hey.

Kady, come on, I need your help.

Let's go.

You haven't had any other problems with your casting?

I've had nothing but problems.

I thought it was because of my hands,

but it's getting worse, not better.

Hmm.

I've had a few... brownouts, you could call them.

I mean, I thought it was the Xanax, honestly.

How many?

Two a day if I can get them.

Oh, you mean the brownouts.

Four or five.

Hmm.

Yes.

What happened?

I'm trying to get back here, but my aim's off.

Okay, all right, It seems like more than your aim.

Last three worlds I've been in

haven't had any fucking oxygen.

My fingers just--they just-- they just keep shorting me out.

What happened? Did we kill The Beast?

We did.

But, um, Quentin's pretty banged up.

Alice was hurt a lot worse, Penny.

She--she died.

- Budget? - Citizen petitions.

I want everyone to stop wanting things.

Great time to ask for something?

Your father makes knives for a living

and knows where I sleep, so...

Ask away.

I'm know I'm not precisely the type

you'd most likely choose,

and I wasn't so experienced when we were first together,

but you're so great at it.

You're--you're huge, and it's so good.

And, Eliot, I don't know how to politely ask you to fuck me.

Oh, look, Margo's here.

You remember Lasaro?

That creep who made the Margolem?

I twisted his arms and/or balls a little,

and he gave up the spell.

Living clay is hard to come by,

but Fogg left his stash so unprotected,

it's like he wanted me to steal it.

So I did.

We're gonna make another you.

Hey.

Made you a sandwich... half an hour ago.

Then I ate it.

I'm sorry.

It's been a long time since I've had a hot shower.

How you feeling?

Uh...

Better...

nap, seeing you alive,

magic methadone...

methadone.

Thanks...

for all of it.

So, um, how did you find me?

After asking around a bit, I heard about a girl

who was doing miracles for a quick fix.

I called it "turning tricks."

You think I'm judging you, I'm not.

No. No, I'm judging myself.

You... you saved my life,

and...

you know, I-I thought it would be okay to run...

if I got the cavalry and I came back to help you,

but I...

I just ran.

I hid.

Yeah, well, there was nothing you could have done then.

But you can help me now.

Oh, my God.

- Ju--Julia, is that-- - Marina.

She helped me bait a trap for Reynard.

- He killed her. - You freeze-dried her corpse?

Alonso's Reverse Thermogenesis.

But look...

she left this for a reason--

a message or a code.

I mean, at least I thought that--

No, no. I know exactly what that is.

That's a locator number...

for a book in the library at Brakebills.

Be careful.

That's a long drop for human legs.

We would not want to see you get hurt

so soon after being rebuilt.

"Rebuilt"?

It's strange, I know.

But you'll get used to it.

Is this a hospital?

- Are you--are you a doctor? - You're at the retreat...

a few hours gallop north of Whitespire.

I was a patient years ago.

The Centaurs saved my life when no one else could.

Now I try to repay that debt by serving them as a nurse.

- The Centaurs? - Mm-hmm.

Horse people.

- Mm-hmm. - How--how long have I--

Three weeks. Your injuries were severe.

Your friends were called away, but they left that for you.

We can start physical therapy in the morning.

"Dear Q,

"we buried Alice today in the gardens,

"where she'll always be close by.

"We left a box of her things, if you ever wake up.

"Please wake up.

Your benevolent overlord, High King Eliot."

Hey.

Margo sent me here to get my hands checked out.

Look...

it sucks about Alice.

"Sucks"?

That's the best that you can do?

I cared about her, too.

For what, like, ten minutes, including foreplay?

Are you mad at me because I cared too much or too little?

I'm mad 'cause you fucked up the one thing that

- we were counting on you for. - You want to blame me?

It was your cacodemon that killed her.

That was not Alice. Alice was gone.

So you just saved the day, huh?

Could we just...

convalesce from our horrible injuries separately, please?

Nice to see you, too, man.

Good day. My name is Sawbones. I'll be examining you.

Ugh!

Those are the most accursed things I've ever smelled.

They must be removed posthaste.

How did they become cursed?

Uh...

Some guy, this--this valet type of dude at Chatwin's Torrent.

- The River Watcher. - You know him?

I'm sorry. I-I can't help you.

Dude, just chop 'em off and give me

some magic wooden shit like you did Quentin.

I'm a surgeon. I can't risk the curse

spreading to my own hands.

The River Watcher...

He's mercurial and dangerous.

You erred greatly in offending him, Penny.

Did you--

Are you shitting?

You're welcome.

What was I saying?

Me likey.

You're thinking about banging yourself, aren't you?

Shh, shh, shh.

No, no.

Doing your clone is more like AP-level masturbation.

Ugh, put on a robe, would you?

- Aww. - Now, part two--

a variation on the mind-control work

Mayakovsky hammered us with first year.

You sleep here, your mind goes into the golem.

And the golem goes to Brakebills,

unless, of course, we're wrong about the fine print

in my contract and he can't leave Fillory either.

Yeah, totally possible he touches a button

and just explodes.

Only one way to find out.

Richard's alumni key.

It gets you past the wards at Brakebills.

I was expelled.

Alarm bells will go off the second I pop in.

I didn't go to school there.

I mean, how am I supposed to find this book?

"Best bitches"?

It's the only one the bodega had.

Okay, bitch, say something.

- You seeing this? - Head down this row.

Wait. Yeah, that room on your left.

It's got an anti-decay charm on it.

It's where they keep the good shit.

- Got it. - What?

Wait, let me see. Hold it up.

Wait, flip it to the back.

Damn it. It's like a library LoJack.

It'll go off if you try to take the book

outside the Brakebills wards.

I mean, this will take hours to copy.

Someone's gonna notice me.

Well, not if you know the right place to hide.

Okay. Didn't explode so far.

Why does everything smell so great?

Because your doppelganger hasn't met cocaine yet.

Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!

Why is everyone cheering for...

- Todd? - Oh, hey.

You guys!

You made a lot of friends, huh?

I heard you guys were dead.

So I threw this massive rager in your honor.

The fact that you just called it a rager sickens me.

Thing is, it went great,

and everyone had so much fun that I kind of...

Became the new me.

Todd, answer truthfully.

Are you wearing my vest?

I am wearing your vest.

Keep it.