Original subtitles

Michael: I'm pretty sure I cracked my rib.

Olive: I dropped out of med school,

and I haven't told my parents yet.

[ Sniffs ]

I'm Sue. I'm Michael's...friend.

What are these?

I got those for him.

They're bright fucking green.

Did you take the remote? Nobody took the remote.

Well, then where is it? I'm missing the game!

How much does her school cost, Mom?

Hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I see Jared is trying to run his game on you.

He uses this place as a pickup joint.

Ugh!

Uh, your brother has the, uh --

Welcome to the family, Karen.

Wow. Not even close.

Oooh.

Buckle up your seat belt, Montel,

'cause this game is getting bumpy!

We'll be right back after this.

Whoo.

Well, this is one hell of a game, huh, guys?

I don't know. There's only been

three concussions as far as I can tell.

So...not that good.

Yeah, well, the most important part is that

[English accent] Excalibur is back home where it belongs.

Oh, hey, look, it's a Bungoes commercial.

-Bungoes? -It's Chad's restaurant chain.

Oh.

* Oh, where does everyone go? *

* Oh, where is everyone going? *

* What's that under my nose? *

* The drinks are overflowing *

Chad: That's right.

Bungoes is not just for the tater tots, unh-unh.

It's also for moms and pops, too.

So come on down to Bungoes.

It's where the fun goes.

* What goes to Bungoes? *

* The fun goes to Bungoes *

Sometimes we dance all night.

[ Ding ]

What was that?

What the fuck?

Awesome. [ Jude laughs ]

Oh, I get it. Chad's a clown. Am I tripping?

-No. No, that happened. -I'm not tripping, am I?

Chad must have taken some clowning classes for that.

His movement was very exquisite.

I can't believe that my boy has made it to the big time.

Well, I hope you're happy, Don,

'cause Chad spent a quarter-million dollars

just to get your approval.

What?! Is that a joke? That cost $250,000?

It looks like it was shot on an iPhone 4.

It includes the media buy.

[ Voice breaking ] This is...

the proudest moment...

[ Inhales deeply ]

...of my life.

Everybody! Cheers to Chad!

Yeah, cheers to Cha-- Wait, no, no, no.

-I have an empty. -Me, too.

-I need one. -Yeah, me, too. Grab me one.

All right, just get a whole bunch.

Be-R-back.

You must be real rich, right?

Well, less rich now.

Okay.

Oh, no.

Everyone.

[ Voice breaking ] I have terrible news,

and that is that there is no beer.

-Ugh. -No.

How is this possible?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mm-mm.

That's a nice idea.

[ Screaming ]

Actually, it makes a lot of sense.

We need to make a beer run.

Uh...Jude. You're in charge.

I'm sorry. Why is Jude in charge?

'Cause next to Chad and Olive,

Jude is the one most likely to succeed.

Suck it, Kyle.

Dad, Dad, come on, but I'm a journalist.

-Print is dead. -You read a newspaper.

I'm just pretending.

Michael, I only got my motorcycle,

so we're gonna need to borrow your shit-box.

Okay, no, if my car is going, then I --

Oh, are you okay?

[ Strained ] Yep. I'm fine.

I'm going, too.

I want to come.

Yeah, me, too. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going.

I guess I'll just stay here.

Hey, uh, Harper, uh...

do you want me to grab anything for you while I'm out?

Uh, no, I'm good.

Not beer, obviously, you know,

'cause cool dad but responsible.

What about juices? Do you want any juices,

like a fresh-pressed or even like a Minute Maid

or something like that?

I'm okay.

Hey, Sue, are you good here alone?

Stevie: She's gonna be fine.

Actually, I want to get to the bottom

of her stunning aura.

Ow.

Harper, can you keep an eye on that situation?

Thank you.

**

Okay.

There's that.

That looks good. That looks good.

10:00 and 2:00.

Mikey, what is this, your driver's test?

Come on. Let's go.

No, we're not going anywhere until everyone buckles up, okay?

Buckle.

Buckle. Buckle. Come on, buckle, boys.

[ Engine starts ]

Michael: In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.

It takes courage to be kind.

[ Radio shuts off ]

Did you record yourself

reading the quotes from Mom's shower curtain?

Y-Yeah. Kyle: Oh, dear.

I did, yeah.

I like them, too.

Thanks.

What's the, um, speed limit?

25.

Kyle: It feels like we're hardly moving.

Yeah, I think we need to pick it up.

Hey, fuck you, Tunicliffs!

Corey: Yeah, yeah, we whupped your asses!

Oh, speaking of football, turn on the game.

Yeah, sure. Jude, would you mind hitting it?

It just hurts if I reach my body right now.

You hit my ribs real hard.

Actually, can you guys take a look at this?

I want to see -- oh, God. I want to see if it's bad.

-Does that -- -Dude!

That looks messed up. Oh, my...

But now very clean, thanks to me.

[ Coughing ] Pussy.

Oh, shit! That is terrible.

Okay, so it's -- it's bad.

Okay. Okay.

Aah.

Hey, Mom.

Okay.

Okay, say bye to everyone.

Hi Hi

[ Giggles ]

Pick a card.

-Is this a game we're playing? -No.

This is your life.

Uh, okay.

This is you.

Which one?

Both.

You're a sexual beast.

I don't think -- I think you're talking about

somebody else's --

I don't think Michael's gonna be able to handle you.

We haven't even gotten to any handling parts yet.

No parts have been handled.

You will be handling parts.

So how long have you and Jude been together?

Jude and I met each other 200 years ago

when I gave birth to him.

Well, they said that he shot every single one of his birds.

That's sad.

Who are you talking about?

Mr. Cardinal -- He had all those blue jays.

Hey, look, aren't those your brothers?

-Ooh, family road trip. -I want to go.

All right, but safety first.

-Good shit. -Go on, get out! Get out!

Get out! -Okay. Don't hit me.

-Let us in. -Hi.

-Hey. -Welcome.

[ All groaning ]

Road trip.

Where the hell you'd come from, huh?

We jumped out of Mom's car. I think I tore my tibula.

Not a muscle.

Where are you guys going?

Family beer run. Yeah!

-Yeah, we ran out already. -That adds up.

Hey, dude, we saw your commercial, by the way.

[ Laughter ]

Bungoes? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, well, that's pretty much

just a little Thanksgiving treat for the whole family.

And actually, all of Chicago. People are going crazy about it.

I think the mayor

had said something about it, as well, so...

"When the fun goes to Bungoes...

[ Laughter ] sometimes we dance all night."

"Bungoes -- not just for tater tots."

[ Laughter ]

We like it, though, right? We're not making fun of me?

Well, something in between, yeah.

God, I'm really sorry I missed that.

Ooh, something else you missed.

Earlier Dad said that Chad and you

are the most successful. Oh, nice.

When are you gonna tell him that you dropped out of med school

and that you're doing literally nothing?

Tomorrow. I'm waiting for a good time.

There is no good time.

Listen, if I can tell Mom and Dad that I'm gay,

then you can tell them that you're never gonna be a doctor.

And that you stole like

tens of thousands of dollars from them this year.

And last year.

When you put it like that, it seems easier

to keep up the lie and fake a graduation ceremony

and never tell them, ever.

You'll have to get a fake doctor's office,

for when they come visit you.

But you could use all that tuition money you never spent.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, or give it to me.

Don't you think they know that something's up?

You know, I don't -- I don't think it's something

that needs to be said, really.

If they didn't know Kyle was gay,

they definitely don't know this.

Ooh, exactly.

I think I knew Kyle was gay first, actually.

I have an impeccable gaydar.

Shit.

Kyle: Oh, okay, here we go.

-Okay. -Okay.

Here we go. Back in a jiff.

All right. Good luck, boys.

Ow, come on.

-[ Groans ] God! -Hey.

Get some surprise goodies.

Michael: Hey, get me, um, hard cider, please!

Whoo!

How did I even take it this far?

It's okay, Liv.

We got your back.

Yeah, unless Mom and Dad are really upset,

then I can't help you.

I live at home rent-free, and Mom's cooking is dope.

I can't give up a sweet deal like that.

She also buys all your underwear.

How'd you know that?

'Cause when you were rolling around

on the ground, she said it.

That's not true. It is true.

You were rolling on the ground.

I bought my underwear from...Amazon.

-Well, that was a bust. -Front seat.

-Shotgun. -I just said front seat.

Hey, unh-unh, unh-unh. Unh-unh! Where is the beer?

They're out and they don't even sell cigarettes.

Kyle: Oh, Jude, fun fact -- A lot of pharmacies

don't actually sell cigarettes anymore.

Uh, actually, it's a pharmacy.

What else do you buy at a pharmacy

besides gum, cigarettes, and condoms?

Pharmaceuticals.

Uh, shampoo, acne strips, um --

Glasses, gift cards.

Toilet paper, cleaning supplies,

milk if you're in a rush.

Kyle: Little things of Vaseline.

Uh, dinner, like frozen dinners.

I got the cutest little shirt at one of those places.

What made it cute?

Just drive!

No, wait, stop!

[ Tires screech ]

Pull into this alley over here.

Okay. [ Sighs ]

**

Chad: What is this?

Trust me. I have spent a lot of time here.

It's gonna be perfect, and they've got beer.

After you.

Careful. Careful.

You don't know what's in there.

I do know what's in here.

Well, Michael doesn't know what's in there.

What is this place?

It's a prohibition-themed gay bar.

Oh, my God, I haven't been here since, like, middle school.

Oh, my God.

Kyle Morgan?

Aaron, what are you doing here?

I own the place now.

I bought it off Columbo when he retired.

Uh, what about you? Who are all your cute friends?

Hi.

These cute people are my siblings.

Oh, fun. Are you all --

Gay? Oh, God, no. Just me.

Um, we ran out of booze, and I was hoping

Columbo would hook us up for old time's sake.

Oh, you didn't hear?

Hear what?

Um, we're on the wagon.

I'm actually sober, so I'm enforcing

real prohibition-era rules.

So...no booze allowed.

Uh, I have a question.

So what the fuck is with all the bottles,

just out of curiosity?

These are just decoration.

They're for show to make it feel like a real bar.

Fake, got it.

We are completely dry.

And that's working?

We're the only gay bar in the county,

so we could serve just cups of sand,

and people would still come.

Yeah, especially with gay people.

Yes.

-'Cause gay people love sand. -I'll explain it later.

Well, if there's no booze, there's no point

in us, um, being here, so I'm out.

I actually hear that a lot.

I believe. You can have a gumdrop.

-Oh, my God. Thank you so much. -Take gumdrops.

Great to meet you. Oh, my God.

[ Sighs ] I've driven by here a million times

and, uh, never knew about this place.

Maybe I should make Bungoes a gay bar, you know?

Hey, can someone else drive?

I'm getting a sharp pain every time I turn the wheel

or breathe or any-- anything.

Maybe you should see a doctor.

How would you know? Tsss!

Why? Burn.

Are you happy? Okay, give me the fucking keys.

This is taking way too long. Give me the keys. Let's go.

Are you sure you should be driving?

Why wouldn't I be okay to drive? I'm fine.

Uh, because you did all that coke earlier?

[ Babbling ]

Okay. I'm fine. Get in the car.

Great reasoning.

Reasonable man.

**

All right.

Easy. Everybody in?

Good. Okay. [ Engine revs ]

Gunning it.

[ Tires screech ]

Sorry, guys.

Got to get to liquor row before everything closes.

And I'm turning...now!

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Hey, Mikey, maybe you should go to the doctor.

I can't do that. I can't go to the hospital in front of Sue.

What's she gonna think of you saying "ow"

every time you breathe?

You're right. It's lose-lose.

Jude: Beer o'clock, baby!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Tires screech ] Jude: Relax, guys.

-It's all good. -Dude, dude, dude!

Dude! Dude!

Dude! Dude! Dude! Dude!

Dude, dude, dude, dude! Dude! [ Gasps ]

I don't have any cash. Please, I have a family.

Cool, I just need some beer.

Like, a lot of it, now.

Jesus, well, I'm sorry. The store's already closed.

There's nothing I can do about it.

What do you mean "closed?"

Also, I don't have a family.

That's just something I say when people rob the store.

Wait a minute. What? It's just --

Yeah, but it's just closed.

You're, like, holding a key in your hand,

so you can just open it.

I can run in, be really quick.

But I already punched out.

Hi! Oh, awesome. Carl, is it?

It's Carla.

Oh, Carla? Wow! What a beautiful name.

Hi. I'm Libertyville, Illinois, business owner

and city council candidate Chad Morgan.

It's awesome to meet you.

Anyway, I just basically want to say wow.

It's so cool that in this city we have people like you

who manage the stores and keep them open on even holidays.

Anyway, I was just wondering if there's an added incentive

I could give you, you know, keep the store open

just for a little bit longer for my family?

I don't know, maybe $10?

I can't do this holiday without beer.

So, I can't do this holiday...

Okay, I guess I could,

but you guys will be really quick, though, right?

I could get in major trouble.

Oh, so fast. Thank you so much! Carla?

Olive...Morgan?

Yes! How's it going? It's been a long time.

"F" you!

Okay.

Why? Why "F" you?

Don't pretend like you don't remember!

I don't remember, so I don't know how else to act.

You obliterated my life, okay?

And that's why I work in this roach-infested shack here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady,

don't talk to my fucking sister that way.

I'll punch you in the face. I don't want to, but...

Hey! I'm sorry that my sister gave you herpes.

What? No, she didn't. What are you talking about?

Crabs? Look, Carla?

I didn't do anything to you, okay?

I don't even know you, really.

We didn't hang out in high school.

I'm kind of impressed with myself

that I even remember your name.

Wow! You're still a bitch.

Surprise, surprise.

Let me take you all back. April 7, 2005.

5th period, lunch, senior year, high school.

You thought you saw a little mouse

crawling around in a corner.

It was a bad high school.

You screamed,

and you consequently knocked Jessica Biederman's

Diet Dr Pepper out of her hand,

and then the pop spilled onto the table

and all over my new Express jeans.

So, I owe you like $35 or something?

[ Voice breaking ] My college interview with Cornell

was right after that, okay?

And I was so flustered

that I botched the whole thing 'cause of you!

All right, that seems like a bit of a leap.

I didn't get in, okay.

And now I'm stuck in my own personal hell

with these losers.

Wait a second. I'm a father, so...

Well, everyone has a price,

so maybe we just open up the door here.

Maybe you come on down and you work for me

down at Bungoes.

Gross.

Gross. You're gross.

Gerbils eat their young, and I'm gross?

-Who's the bitch now, Carla? -This is great,

because everything is closed now!

Everything is closed!

[ Screaming ] Oh, no.

No! Thirsty!

Okay, cut it out. You need to chill out, Corey.

Yeah, quit spinning around. You're tossing B.O. everywhere.

God, Olive! What the fuck was that?

Why did you have to see a mouse 10 years ago?

Okay. I'm sorry!

Listen, we're wasting time. Let's just bounce.

Yeah. It's locked.

Come on. It's locked.

Put on the game?

Woman: It's difficult being so attractive

that men won't leave me alone.

That's why I use Glamzap.

Glamzap -- it wipes away beauty.

Hi. This is Chad Morgan, owner of Bungoes.

I wanted to ask you, Libertyville,

to choose me for your city council.

As a city council member,

I pledge to make Libertyville great still.

Here's to you, from me, Chad Morgan --

owner of Bungoes.

That's, uh... real great, Chad.

[ Chuckling ] Thanks.

I actually did it in one take at the...

This sucks!

We're supposed to go the rest of Thanksgiving

without any alcohol?

As city councilman, I demand

you keep the stores open longer.

Okay, shit.

I need to get elected first, but it's pretty much a lock.

At least we kicked some Tuniclif ass at football today.

Oh, yeah, beating the Tuniclifs isn't the same

as a cold beer in my hand, is it?

-Uh, no! -That's it!

[ Tires screech ] Ow!

Hey, can I request that we go a little gentle

on both me and the Element, okay?

I'm trying to retain trade-in value for both of us.

We're getting our fricking beer.

**

* Yeah

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ Rapping ] * One for the money, two for the money, dash *

* Steal for the money, kill for the money, trash *

* Three for the money, four for the black masta *

* Five try to stay alive so you can spend your cash *

* It ain't a joke, ma, anytime you need it *

* You can holler for the dope, ma *

* Moving through the water

* Place an order off the boat, ma *

* Packing to the white chicks

* And serving to them white chicks...*

[ Slow motion ] Corey!

No!

He's gone.

* Taking off

* With a stack of Franklins to the fucking ceiling *

* I keep my G's like my bank account, Swiss *

Car!

[ All sigh ]

* It's just that player game

* Many motherfuckers ain't got the aim *

* So just let my crew explain

* How I maintain the forward slang *

* Simply sliding inside your brain *

* Nipping that fiend just like cocaine *

* I was your main pusher

* Quality and quantity, always a fair cooker *

* Easily remember how fast the cash stacked *

* The ass it brought back, the swishers are still packed *

* I was up to the brim, divvy up *

* Yeah, uh, divvy up

[ Bottles clinking ]

She's looking at me.

-Yeah, that's what babies do. -Shut up, shut up.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna back away slowly.

Sure.

And then when I tell you to, we're gonna run.

Hi.

-Okay, we're gonna run. -We're gonna run.

Now, now, now. You saw nothing.

Run. Corey, run.

Corey: Shit.

Hi!

Hey, there! How are you? You wanna take that?

You wanna give that to a grown-up?

Okay, cool.

High five?

Yeah, good.

We're cool, though, right?

You and me?

We're cool. Okay.

I'm just gonna take this for a little bit

to have a birthday party with my friends, okay?

We don't like snitches. That's bad.

Bye-bye!

Bye-bye! Shh!

Bye-bye!

Okay.

[ Sighing ] Okay.

Oh, geez.

Oh.

Guys?

Guys, where'd you go?

* Count one for the money, two for the money, cash *

* Steal for the money, kill for the money, crash *

* Three for the money, four for the black masta *

I can't believe Kyle didn't check the basement cooler.

That's where we always keep the extra beer.

Maybe we should have texted them.

-They've been gone a while. -Aww.

I like it when they get to spend time together.

Yeah, I like it when they're gone, too.

That's not what I meant.

Let me ask you ladies something.

Does it look like I got gynecomastia?

That's the enlargement of the male breast.

What?

Or is it the sweatshirt?

They do look big to me.

**

The patriarch is here!

How long did it take Pop Pop to do something racist?

Four seconds. Longer than normal.

Would you say that black lives matter

or all lives matter?

Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!

Mm.

What about a game?

Like charades?

Eat my dust, baby!

What are you doing hitchhiking? What, did you murder somebody?

I'm going to meet my girlfriend's family.

Did she tell her family that you were black?

I don't know, come to think of it.

I think it's gonna be great.

My guess is that your girlfriend's Midwestern family

is really open-minded culturally.

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