Original subtitles

in the beginning there was only darkness

and out of that darkness was born the

demons are who loved as a kid ease and

oppressor of humankind but from out of

the shadows came Krong warrior above

whole warriors and para of the gods saw

he freed humankind and led them to

victory

but victory was daily one suffering a

mortal wound to his heart cron bled for

seven days and seven nights and a

hundred warriors drank of his spilled

blood and bad his strength cron looked

down at them and what he saw was good

and with that he died thus were born the

barbarians the mighty sons of cron

Oh

listen up people

strength courage fearlessness these

threads work Ron's gifts to our people

for thousands of generations his

undiluted barrage has been running

through our veins that is what we

celebrate on this day every year before

we go on a quest my first and foremost

it is Ron's blood which makes us

barbarians the greatest warriors in all

of metal onea okay

Raoul it's your turn role is ill Raoul

is taking a sick day

Raoul why don't you just skip me my

elbow is hurting

maybe I'm getting osteoporosis jerk-off

elbow come on just give it I just ah

you have to get in shape before going

out on a quest roll me a barbarian who

can't swing a double-headed axis well

that's not a real pop berry yeah what

the hell am I gonna do on a quest anyway

I'll just get in your way why can't I

hang it you're a son of Ron Ron Ron sons

go on quests to kill monsters and return

home in glory that's the essence of

being a barbarian uncle take a look at

me what can I do to harm a monster flex

these muscles and hope it lasts itself

to death

what's up Ronal have you gotten some

muscles funny hey have you gotten

yourself some brain cells huh what yeah

give this one of my back and you're

popping for me so freaking typical

before the party listen Rory going out

on a quest is more about having big

balls rather than big muscles it's about

courage once you show you're a real man

questing is fun crushing the enemy is

easy okay maybe it's just me but I can't

get over the fact that you can seriously

die from questing I'll just shut up and

try it

what the hell is that

your arm eight arms people

wait hold it

Oh who goes there

readings noble barbarians Master Florian

bad at your service we merely wish for

humble fee of course to enrich your

spectacular buffet of muffled with noble

sonatas from olden times about heroes

and heroines

what they sing songs at parties parties

that badass weapon is not a flame hurler

- tuba man coming cracked open a

skull and ages I know that was a joke

howdy girls

how about washing my massive rocks bit

dirty for Strings loot loot hey it's

time for Ellen's no frivolity my tongue

any better duty calls we must practice

for the party in there just a little

time to check out the honey's no no no a

real bastard comes down to the school

how does it have to be so perfect isn't

it about time we went on a quest and

join the barbarians tomorrow and getting

it all the action look at me

I really need to meet some chicks man I

mean write some very important poems and

that sort of thing Oh Allie bet you

won't be ready for that until you know

old poems ever written entirely by heart

right but that like a hundred years

nonsense total rubbish my little friend

I was only 57 when I was fully trained

only a youngster now state

so I went hunting the other day why and

just happened to run into an orc

kindergarten

cute kids here you go sugar this is for

you oh really brings out your eyes

oh you got to see this one too it's an

invisibility Body Lotion

I used to last you and I snuck into our

era cool right

totally sneaky Tiki man you can't even

sit

all sons of chronic gathered Lord Farkas

I then the time is covered

can I take over your shift what about

the party huh yeah I was a bit tired

okay then I blow the horn if you see

anything suspicious okay

think you can do that ah who cares if I

can blow that shitty horn I just want to

be alone okay

it's a big horn first to drawing a big

breath deep and your gun for God's sake

uncle who in the hell would bother

attacking us

we're barbarians we've crushed

everything in the northern hemisphere

we've never been attacked damn it you

may be right but it's the principle that

counts it's gonna be the death of me

barbarians man

you know what the hell is that

we're under attack

let's grab your weapons what is your

command unleash the fires of hell

I don't remember ordering any firewood

we're under attack

I really do try fine

just isn't good enough Ronald come on

we've gotta save the others

are these the famous sons of cron how

pathetic

chain them all up and don't leave anyone

behind

wait barbarians never surrender

everyone boughs to Lourdes focus on

take them away you heard Lord fall kazar

get the last ones locked up

come on hurry up get the pigs in the

cart I haven't got all night

remember your shoes and purses

I mean axes we won't be coming back to

get them a small problem here this

president don't with the cops what

should I do

huh that's not a box barian take it out

back and kill the what Wow

yeah damn it how it gets the fun job

oh what a night my head is killing me

wow this place looks pretty nice t

where'd everyone go you have to do the

after party or something hey wait up

No

oh you're alive not for long cronies

calling me no uncle it's probably just a

flesh wound Ronal when your parents died

I promised to look after you I kept that

promise now it's your turn

promise me something that you'll save

the others they're counting on you

rhodol what but but I can't promise me

you must go north to the article the

Oracle but but how you are their only

hope

you are the last free barbarian

uncle uncle

hmm coax a disability lotion yo what's

up you going on a quest

uh no I have to go find the other

barbarians now okay huh sounds like a

quest you're going on the quest I'm not

going on a quest I have to find my tribe

that is so totally a quest wait up and

who are you howdy

a Lebert bard pink to join ya wait hey

you can't say no cuz I'll just follow

you like a shadow yeah oh it's gonna be

awesome man

you know what since we're heading north

why don't we visit the Amazons along the

way no I hear the chicks up there

totally drool we gotta check it out man

listen it's true stop following me

around okay no Amazon chicks are born

hotter and hornier than a June bride and

all of it Shh you're a drag man I've got

it we'll go to Borrelia know the women

there have curly tails at board it is I

wouldn't that be great

they sound like pigs oh come on how are

we different here anyway I need to talk

to the Oracle so do you think this dude

could hook us up

great ass buddy don't touch me wait

hello hello will you sure took your

sweet time I've been sitting here since

last Sunday are you coming in or what uh

sorry what what well you need to wipe my

stain shrivel ass you idiot

are you doing here

I don't you the nurse uh what no

we we I mean Gondor sent me that's it

I'm done I get to wipe it who is

here my goddamn hemorrhoids I gotta tell

you something about this Lord focus arm

he's a mighty warrior the dark forces of

the zucchinis protects them yeah well

it's not as if I want to fight him or

anything I just want to find my tribe

focus our craze the power to rule all a

metal onea

so far no one's been able to stop

this guy is surrounded by impenetrable

armor no weapon can ever hurt this

bastard there is only one sword with the

power to defeat him watch

what's so special about that you

barbarian of all people should know that

this this crown sword

it's a joke right don't you know it

doesn't exist all of our variants have

been searching for that stupid sword

forever I'm sorry to break it to you old

man but it's just a silly very little

only that sword can hurt Lord Volkers

off and you will never save your tribe

without killing him power only a

fearless warrior you will be able to use

cron Lord and without a great warrior

Baltazar is invincible and without about

baby with big balls the tribe is cool

why do I care I'm just an Oracle I don't

give a it ain't my fault the

barbarians are captured

chorus all Saucer are my lord that time

is not we must awaken there's a key T's

temple soon before it's too late for the

ritual are all Kron Suns cart my mission

is complete fantastic my lord no nothing

can stop us might ease our crime sons

have all been captured Oh from your son

what what now the great and mighty Saul

isn't pleased one of crime Santa's

missing is possible hey I don't

understand we didn't leave anyone alive

whoa

Heidi the blood of every living

barbarian and you gonna let one escape

tell me listen I just witnessed my

village burned to the ground and now I

have to find Chron sword even though I

haven't got a rat's ass chance of

finding it so will you just shut up with

your owns and give me a chance to think

hey I could strum a little barbarian

tuna Stan don't please not that crap and

Ronnie pollies my his sword and thrust

with all his strength the sward and 2

zucchinis skull which cracks along as we

think that's all what what is that the

pilot ekron the ballot of crime has

2,073 versus I know them all by heart

and seriously dude Krong gets laid in

half of them why why didn't you tell me

about it man that it is late lot know

about the lyrics it's about Kron you

idiot that first was about his sword was

it any verses about where the sword is

quick get to the end from his chest the

blood gushed forth it gushed a night and

day you don't know after he dies come on

sing it he's brave the sword was lame

please beyond recall the book of wisdom

and El Vanguard is bound to make the

call the book of wisdom an elven guard

that's it what we've got to go to elven

guard and read the book of wisdom really

that's how we'll find the sword those

hell babes are totally pitching me you

get gasps quest ok I have two rules for

this trip one this is not a quest and

two if we ever see anything that is even

remotely quest like will absolutely go

around it

go around it gotcha good

I'm not quite sure but if we just break

rule number one or two who are you are

you one of them answer me I'm just an

innocent traveler I swear I I really

don't want to disturb you

you uh you you you you're massacre of

random men they challenged me to a duel

oh no not again

screw it I'll let you live oh hey Ron oh

I think we just found the fairest

warrior a need for cross or what are you

crazy

she's a psychopath exactly what

are you waiting for

aster no hey gorgeous

my buddy Ronald wants to ask you

something no he's wondering if a fiesty

a warrior babe like you would be into

joining our quest you know till I see if

he's track you in and as an added bonus

you play with that is Luke by the

campfire

if you catch my drift listen I have no

idea what he's going on about I really

don't know this I have zero

interest in playing with your instrument

hey where you going this is a hell of an

offer I told you it was a bad idea

we'll find someone else to save the

barbarians

did you say barbarians uh yeah

barbarians are they your tribe uh yeah

the ones they call the greatest warriors

at MIT ellonija um yeah it's a worthy

cause I'll join you uh sorry what i'm

sandra shield meeting of the shield

maiden clan where are you going to the

Elven tower we just have to figure out

where it is first I think we'll need a

guide there's probably one in the next

town follow me hey wait you can't just

take over here's a problem with that

listen uh no great let's go score rhodol

she's so into you

Wow you can butter my buns and call me a

biscuit this place is sweet okay here we

are yeah okay hey what's up

look oh great it's happy hour it's

really crowded today stay behind me

whoa whoa whoa easy now we'll go in

quietly we'll find our guide and get out

of here without anyone noticing and no

fighting okay

please your call

Thanks

you know what we were looking for a

guide there's only one left

in the back behind the ephra

Elric okay thanks uh hey

and are you Elric the voice of the wind

is a light in the Evening Sun the

children of the stars

lead Mother Earth to rest the darkness

is filled by the moans of happy spirits

and the lovers I sensed you would come

hurry elves are connected to all living

things let our souls unite oh you are

the Eagles imagination and a caught

silent will the music of the copper

beeches in your heart oh well now that

sounds interesting

listen I'm Ronal and I name's Gary no

meaning okay right but here's the thing

I need a guy yes all right

but do you need spiritual or physical

guidance we're going to the elven tower

I don't have a lot of gold but the ring

will tell me what to do with you

stand still let me penetrate your aura

why okay

uh-huh whoo windows me to go with you

my bow will sing with your sword I'm

ready I found him my boat we've seen

with your sword whatever let's bounce

hey shieldmaiden

leaving so soon how about a little dance

uh hey hey guys everything everything's

okay

we're leaving now no worries we're cool

I accept your challenge what they must

defeat me or die

you're just agreed not to cause

any problem but they challenged me you

promised in and out without any fighting

okay it's all up to you muscle boy hey

shield Maiden what's it gonna be

listen mmm friends I know you're itching

for a big fight but we're kind of in a

hurry now but I'm sure there must be

someone else in here willing to go a few

rounds with you so if it's okay with you

we'll just leave now

have you ever seen one of these any last

words shorty that's friggin disgusting

I'm gonna court you like a bottle you

little Black Riders

where is it up

no challenge the Lord volcasaurus riders

which one of you order

something

my lord one more strike and you'll beat

your personal record but my lord we have

to find the last son of Cronus all the

next full moon or else when are you

gonna shut up pencil-dick

hello the target has escaped one it's

been a very difficult evening the

Barbarian is being helped by a great

warrior I will not tolerate humiliation

bring them to me both of them

oh are you sure you know where we are it

feels like we're walking and circling

speaking to myself we'll be in the elf

kingdom soon I sense you said the same

thing two days ago

we're lost goddamnit we'll end up dying

like those dried-out losers what's so

funny I've heard stories about the Kurds

and strength of the barbarians but you

have neither you just moan and whine all

the time I happen to find it very funny

considering how your ancestors are so

I'm a joke why did you come along if you

think I whine so much what's your deal

with the Barbarian that's my business

stop look meaning what we elves can

connect with all living creatures

I was unite with its soul and make it

show us the way out

look on the other side there's no

labyrinth over there the entrance to the

elf Kingdom I didn't

elven gates I salute you did you say

this was the entrance

come stop the keepers of the gate must

weigh our souls only those of the right

stature are allowed to enter and what

about those with a lesser stature what

oh my all the balls will crush them

what well shall we go it's just an if I

am but I but I can't do it what honestly

guys I'm a pathetic excuse for a

barbarian and I'm certainly not of the

right stature I don't think that's how

it's bent

Rowan all forget it we are going around

it that's not a good idea

when you're on a quest you must follow

the rules seriously going on quests is

only gonna get you killed and if you

insist on calling this a quest then read

my lips this is my quest and I have

decided that we are going around this

cake come on

see no death traps no gates no nothing

in our way all this quest garbage is so

dump if you just take a moment think a

little outside of the box

oh no my man bits what the hell was that

we've offended the keepers of the gate I

sense

you almost got us killed how the hell

would I know the mountain would come

alive just telling you I tried to avoid

problems tried trying just isn't good

enough Ronal huh

there are always gonna be problems on

questions you're going to have to solve

them not go around

this is the tower of the elves all of

the world's wisdom is in there

the Book of Wisdom sits within the top

chamber

this way the moment you read it on its

journey across the darkened sky of night

the most sacred of sacred that's fine

that's where we're going no one from the

outside can enter the elf Kings archers

have Hawk thighs they kill everything

they see so we'll have to do it the hard

way

I kill the two up front while you run

across no I'll do it

what alone row No

are you crazy they'll kill you before

you make it to the bridge yeah I know

but they won't see me there isn't much

left and I'm the smallest one wait here

how do I look pretty sneaky isn't it

what's so funny what what it's it's

empty yeah thanks a lot Cora Oh

relax Ronal no one will notice those

down in balls just wait here till I get

back okay don't do it Ronal just get

killed

so today Gullit lifts the combi Harvey

it's open

yeah

there it is

let's see we got sort of crawling this

how the hell am I gonna find sort of

grande that sit Khan sword piece of cake

like anyone's ever gonna notice

Oh

the map says the cron was buried with

his sword in the mountain of eternity my

ELF soul census but it is far far hidden

at it fairly close by destiny is on our

side hmm I was wrong about you

what the tower you made it well sort of

you do the barbarians honor

uh thanks well I've got an axe to

sharpen so uh I I was thinking hmm well

it's just hmm I never thanked you for uh

joining me honestly I couldn't have ever

made it without you uh okay well then we

better get some sleep maybe we'll find

the sword tomorrow so uh keep watch

we elves don't need any sleep you can

all rest easy hmm can I ask you

something Ronal uh sure go ahead

what are they like they're barbarians

well they're not the brightest I was

thinking more like in here Oh

a barbarian is always there to help when

you need them no matter how dangerous or

difficult it is and they go on quests

all the time

they're totally fearless kind of hard to

believe that I'm one of them huh I'm

their kick-ass warriors right yep the

best in the world

kick-ass warriors are so hard to find

yeah oh what I dissent from an ancient

tribe of field maidens far far far away

according to our ways I must marry the

warrior who defeats me in a duel

many have tried to defeat me but she's

too strong and with every new duel I

grow stronger and stronger in the

meantime everybody else found themselves

me one by one I was the only one left

the duels became few and far between and

in the end warriors stop coming to

challenge me the tribal elders got angry

they told me to leave and go out into

med ellonija and find my own worthy

husband a warrior with the strength to

conquer me if somebody defeats me I have

to obey his every wish but no warrior

has been strong enough yet but but

everywhere I go everybody says that the

barbarians are metal Onias greatest

warriors so maybe one of the barbarians

from your tribe can beat me that's why I

came along uh okay

okay what yeah well uh all that stuff

you just told me what's that got to do

with love at all what do you mean um I

love whoever defeats me I've waited so

long for this I'm about to explode whoa

I I've never told anyone this before oh

I see it feels kind of nice

you know Ronal it's actually nice

talking to you you're pretty nice to

talk to I mean okay the other way then

we would have to fight yeah that would

really suck yeah that'd be weird you and

me in a duel what was that hey Elric who

yells never sleep hey what's that sound

there oh I sense a nasty voice in the

way

no-no-no if we can catch up with them

glorious Queen

we have caught these horrible women and

have brought them here so you may decide

their fate your win come up

let me check them out

hmm most peculiar women I've never seen

anything like it miss Queen if ugly girl

Oh ask you to speak we're not uh women

what we're kind of more like man you

know well almost

Wow the gods have answered our prayers

and sent us to finally the time has come

to carry on our tribe take them to the

sacred meeting cabin rattle one skinny

one first save the other one

my lord and he knows we caught the

warrior who helped the last barbarian

escape bring it out

well look at this I see later and a very

pretty one at that give me a weapon let

me fight all good things come to those

who wait nobody touches me you bastard

impressive you really really turned me

off

you silly girl

I know your rule shieldmaiden you must

obey me now it is your destiny you you

have to feed it me yes it's about damn

time my turn now

tonight's mating ceremony is over you're

not up till tomorrow what tomorrow

Queen's orders come back I've got the

world's blue ball where are you going we

have to go huh

what about the Amazons Xandra is in

danger we got to find cron sword and

help her before it's too late

Sandra can wait a week or so what we

can't just let her down hey if we find

another warrior I don't want to fight

another warrior I once Angelo you didn't

even water long in the first place

just come screwed you I want to stay

here and get laid by some really hot

babes that's the only reason I joined

you on your lousy quest hmm oh I forgot

you're not on a quest you're more boring

that a yeast infection fine then stay

here

what the hell am i doing here

are those real of course I just had to

see you

first time I laid eyes on you I wanted

to rub my naked body all over your manly

chest

ah forget the silly rules I just gotta

have you I found you very sexy miss

Queen but my friend needs me and I have

to go what listen just have your girls

capture me get on my way back

Oh it

well this must be the first barbarians

whoa mr. Khurana sir

I need to borrow your sword for a bit

so white oh yeah sorry about that

Sandra I'm sorry Ronal how are you

managed to escape my best man is beyond

me but now you show up here

watch out exactly like my shield mate

said you want my lord consort the only

weapon that can ever harm you Sandra

excellent you have served me well I live

to serve you my lord what the hell is

going on you little barbarian have a

date with my sauce

my senses say that Rome releasing great

deal with in what you must might ezel

here your humble servant the blood of

truant sons awaits you open the doors to

your mind

only once every 10,000 years

is it possible resolved the god of the

zucchinis to contact our world I'm

bringing him the ultimate sacrifice

the sons of God the warrior who sent him

into the Exile over here after has my

reward

he will give me his divine power

everybody will obey me oh they fly like

the seeds of dandelions

right here

what's going on how you stop

no but you skinny oh what's

happening man what you do with ground

sword it's down there on that altar it's

too late there's nothing we can do get

out of here

tighter I won't be happy till I hear

them squeal like my teaser receive this

offering of the blood of the sons of

Tron bless us with your

soon I will be mightier than a god and

you will be my immortal Queen for all

eternity

we'll be adorned in here Jim wait mr.

Oliver the bard

I'm with you know for the party oh look

old ritual let me feel you did heroes

help your leather clothes they drive me

on and the way you shake your is it

makes me hard

let's dance tonight until the morning

baby I really wanna hold your hand

that's so lame

oh well adios

let the chosen one step forward

grande sword offer you hurry up we gotta

free the others hey man what the hell

God would you believe this

are you for real man drama sweet cheeks

your ass is mine you're just salty now

just put it down before I whip your ass

over

hey why don't you chain yourself back up

I've been so warning to do

tell them you belong to me shieldmaiden

don't ever forget that

yes my lord

buona sera you don't have to do this

focus top beat me in a duel

it's my destiny

you've completely frickin lost it is it

really your destiny to kill the only

person who actually cares about you just

because some ironclad madman beat you in

a fight is it

you must drink the blood there's no time

left

get every last drop

darkness rewards the sounds of terror

will rise towards the sky all shall bow

to me

saga Draghi pulled his mighty sword

and thrust with all his strength the

sword into zucchini skull which cracked

along its length what you have to hit

him in the forehead with Chron sword

it's great point man it's just

impossible oh no you have to get out of

here go save yourself what are you

talking about

damn it this is no place for you beat it

no I'm done being a

way to go

I'm so chill may I aim with the

eyes of a hawk my arrow to fly with

wings

I got you a little French Luke

carelessly for me what are you doing

kill David

your destiny is to serve no it's over

gokane tribe

let's show them how we barbarians really

far

oh this one's for God are

Oh

oh my g-string as I'm in this I in

years

RORO RORO

gone home

he likes Rana the bestest barbarian who

ever lived

what are you staring at

I said we don't have to find a duel now

do we know you've already conquered my

heart

Oh

wanna see something nice yes I said it's

a really big tightness in your groin

yeah try being strapped to a leather

cross for a week the same Siriano the

fuzzies Bavaria

don't write like a

barbarians

he was a weak boy laughter he wasn't

yeah

oh he was a geek boy with a chest so

small

big balls hairy balls hard balls hot

faves

Harry Bay's yummy Bane's yummy balls and

oily muscles

okay