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1
00:00:08,749 --> 00:00:14,226
Synced by emmasan
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:01:20,176 --> 00:01:22,433
What do I think love is?
3
00:01:24,033 --> 00:01:25,242
Uh...
4
00:01:25,325 --> 00:01:27,827
It's like when someone makes
your stomach feel all tight,
5
00:01:27,912 --> 00:01:31,456
but floaty at the same time, you know?
6
00:01:31,540 --> 00:01:34,876
And your cheeks hurt from smiling.
7
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:38,588
And you smile so much that people
think something's wrong with you.
8
00:01:38,672 --> 00:01:40,465
Love is light.
9
00:01:42,551 --> 00:01:44,386
Acceptance.
10
00:01:47,264 --> 00:01:48,307
Fire.
11
00:01:48,390 --> 00:01:49,724
Pain.
12
00:01:51,101 --> 00:01:52,644
Horrible pain.
13
00:01:54,354 --> 00:01:55,855
That you want again and again.
14
00:01:55,940 --> 00:01:57,942
And also, fucking.
15
00:01:58,025 --> 00:02:02,196
Twenty-four seven, deep-dick,
can't-walk-right fucking.
16
00:02:03,488 --> 00:02:09,411
Well, you know me. I got
so much to say about love.
17
00:02:12,247 --> 00:02:17,502
And one year, this Wall Street
guy flew me in a helicopter to D.C.
18
00:02:17,586 --> 00:02:19,046
For serious?
19
00:02:19,129 --> 00:02:21,756
Valentine's Day makes guys
go crazy. They love it.
20
00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,676
Men hate Valentine's Day.
21
00:02:24,759 --> 00:02:26,053
They don't act like they hate it.
22
00:02:26,136 --> 00:02:28,347
That's because you look
like Sof�a Vergara.
23
00:02:28,430 --> 00:02:31,350
Them things is real. I once
saw her jogging in Tribeca.
24
00:02:31,433 --> 00:02:35,645
Ian hasn't visited in so long. It'd
be nice if he showed up tomorrow.
25
00:02:35,729 --> 00:02:39,733
But he's only got a Vespa and
it's too cold to ride this far.
26
00:02:39,816 --> 00:02:43,362
One year, Yadriel got me flowers. He
stole them from his cousin's funeral.
27
00:02:43,445 --> 00:02:45,030
- It was so sweet.
- Please.
28
00:02:45,114 --> 00:02:47,824
Valentine's Day was invented
to make people feel like shit
29
00:02:47,907 --> 00:02:49,868
if they're not part of some perfect couple.
30
00:02:49,951 --> 00:02:50,952
True.
31
00:02:51,036 --> 00:02:55,624
Diablo says there are no perfect couples,
but each couple is perfect in its own way.
32
00:02:57,126 --> 00:03:00,254
It must be hard. Being
locked up on Valentine's Day.
33
00:03:01,463 --> 00:03:02,464
That's all.
34
00:03:02,547 --> 00:03:06,468
Aw. Thank you, Fischer. That
was really empathetic of you.
35
00:03:07,469 --> 00:03:09,471
- You want a cookie?
- Oh, sure. Thank you.
36
00:03:21,733 --> 00:03:23,860
- You need some water, Fischer?
- No. I'm fine.
37
00:03:25,029 --> 00:03:27,322
I knew she didn't swallow.
38
00:03:38,639 --> 00:03:40,558
Hi.
39
00:03:40,641 --> 00:03:43,269
Where'd you make reservations
for tomorrow night?
40
00:03:44,479 --> 00:03:45,480
Wait, what?
41
00:03:45,563 --> 00:03:46,689
Shh.
42
00:03:46,772 --> 00:03:48,942
I'm trying to pretend
like we're a normal couple.
43
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:50,401
Oh.
44
00:03:52,070 --> 00:03:56,032
Um, well, I got us a table
for two at Lorenzo's.
45
00:03:56,116 --> 00:03:57,408
The one by the fireplace.
46
00:03:58,994 --> 00:04:03,414
I can't wait for you to see my dress.
It's sexy, but not slutty, you know?
47
00:04:05,791 --> 00:04:07,127
I can't wait to see it.
48
00:04:08,211 --> 00:04:11,922
Mamita, can you get me
another bag of flour?
49
00:04:18,096 --> 00:04:19,139
Here.
50
00:04:20,348 --> 00:04:23,726
- What's this?
- It's a list.
51
00:04:23,809 --> 00:04:26,229
Wanna keep the
mother-in-law happy, right?
52
00:04:26,312 --> 00:04:29,065
I figured I might as well
make use of sleepy hollow
53
00:04:29,149 --> 00:04:30,858
before the other shoe drops.
54
00:04:30,941 --> 00:04:32,235
Get it?
55
00:04:38,491 --> 00:04:41,744
So this is what Vee negotiated for us?
Using these broke-ass showers?
56
00:04:41,827 --> 00:04:44,330
- Man, that's some broke-ass negotiation.
- You think?
57
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:48,084
You do know that long showers
are bad for you. Yeah. Yeah.
58
00:04:48,168 --> 00:04:50,920
Mess with your keratinocytes and whatnots.
59
00:04:51,004 --> 00:04:53,339
Hey, Suzanne? Shut the fuck up.
60
00:04:58,011 --> 00:05:00,763
Yeah, why the hell would
I leave the library?
61
00:05:00,846 --> 00:05:02,265
It's the best job here.
62
00:05:02,348 --> 00:05:05,560
Because books do not pay the rent.
Books do not bourguignon the beef.
63
00:05:05,643 --> 00:05:07,187
We are starting something.
64
00:05:07,270 --> 00:05:10,065
I don't wanna join custodial.
65
00:05:10,190 --> 00:05:13,276
- And yet I am still asking you.
- No way. No.
66
00:05:13,359 --> 00:05:15,986
- Oh, come on. Come on!
- Shut up!
67
00:05:16,987 --> 00:05:18,364
You know what? Do you know
how easy it would've been
68
00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:19,949
for me to say no when
you came to me and said,
69
00:05:20,033 --> 00:05:21,617
"Vee, get me out of this group home"?
70
00:05:21,701 --> 00:05:26,122
"Save me from this sick fuck-faced
foster father I got!" Huh?
71
00:05:27,415 --> 00:05:29,750
- That's not fair.
- Fair? Girl, please.
72
00:05:29,834 --> 00:05:32,295
Fair's where you go get
you some cotton candy.
73
00:05:32,378 --> 00:05:34,797
Where you ride the tilt-a-whirl.
74
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,048
I'm looking for Jack.
75
00:05:37,425 --> 00:05:38,593
He's not here.
76
00:05:38,676 --> 00:05:40,970
He buys me chocolates every year.
77
00:05:41,053 --> 00:05:43,055
We're on a fixed income, of course.
78
00:05:43,139 --> 00:05:46,142
But he's gotta treat his
duckie right, he says.
79
00:05:46,226 --> 00:05:50,730
And if he can't find me, they'll be wasted.
80
00:05:53,399 --> 00:05:57,112
Fuck. Kill me in my sleep
if I ever get like that.
81
00:05:57,195 --> 00:06:01,782
Look. You're gonna think about it, right?
And then you gonna do as I say.
82
00:06:01,866 --> 00:06:02,867
Ah!
83
00:06:02,950 --> 00:06:05,536
It's just chilling, you know?
84
00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:10,708
Kicking it with somebody,
talking, making mad stupid jokes.
85
00:06:10,791 --> 00:06:14,420
And, like, not even wanting to go to sleep,
86
00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:19,259
'cause then you might be
without 'em for a minute.
87
00:06:19,342 --> 00:06:20,885
And you don't want that.
88
00:06:25,848 --> 00:06:27,308
_
89
00:06:31,896 --> 00:06:32,938
And...
90
00:06:34,106 --> 00:06:38,110
And done! Who's next? Who's next?
91
00:06:38,194 --> 00:06:39,237
Whoo!
92
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,363
_
93
00:06:41,197 --> 00:06:42,823
_
94
00:06:42,907 --> 00:06:45,326
_
95
00:06:46,619 --> 00:06:48,746
Get a room.
96
00:06:48,829 --> 00:06:50,873
German, fool. Talk it.
97
00:06:50,956 --> 00:06:52,833
Zing? Zinger?
98
00:06:52,917 --> 00:06:56,296
Das Zimmer. You're part of a
community. Respect its language.
99
00:06:56,379 --> 00:06:57,963
My father's part of a community.
100
00:06:58,047 --> 00:07:00,466
I'm the unfortunate
appendage he drags about
101
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:03,553
wherever your fight
against terror takes him.
102
00:07:03,969 --> 00:07:05,471
_
103
00:07:05,638 --> 00:07:08,558
How many times have
you had to move in your short little life?
104
00:07:08,641 --> 00:07:10,185
Too many.
105
00:07:10,268 --> 00:07:13,479
But this is the end of the
road. My pops promised.
106
00:07:15,105 --> 00:07:15,874
How do you say,
107
00:07:15,874 --> 00:07:21,404
"I'd like to watch as you two make
sweet, sweet lady love," in German?
108
00:07:21,487 --> 00:07:24,615
Nein, motherfucker. Nein.
109
00:07:32,122 --> 00:07:34,083
This job is bullshit.
110
00:07:34,167 --> 00:07:37,837
No. 'Tis a rewarding puzzle.
111
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:41,799
Ain't no puzzle. Makes electrical look good.
112
00:07:41,882 --> 00:07:44,552
Can't believe I let that
old bitch talk me into this.
113
00:07:44,635 --> 00:07:47,888
I wouldn't speak ill of
Miss Parker's methods.
114
00:07:47,972 --> 00:07:49,765
She wouldn't tolerate such words.
115
00:07:49,849 --> 00:07:52,227
Hey, now, Watson got the right
116
00:07:52,310 --> 00:07:54,812
to express her discomfort for her new job.
117
00:07:54,895 --> 00:07:57,315
Just because
cleaning quiets your discombobulation
118
00:07:57,398 --> 00:07:59,024
doesn't mean it does so for everyone.
119
00:08:00,193 --> 00:08:03,654
Point well
made, moppet. Point well made.
120
00:08:07,032 --> 00:08:08,909
You such a dumb-ass.
121
00:08:08,993 --> 00:08:11,412
Hey, Watson, you look a little tired.
122
00:08:11,496 --> 00:08:14,039
Maybe I could come by later
and massage your quads?
123
00:08:14,123 --> 00:08:16,501
Get the fuck out of here.
124
00:08:16,584 --> 00:08:18,586
You know, whatever y'all
got going on in here.
125
00:08:18,669 --> 00:08:21,922
You know, taking over
custodial. I want a piece.
126
00:08:22,006 --> 00:08:26,386
I use it to cover my eyes. That
way, you know, I won't see anything.
127
00:08:26,469 --> 00:08:32,433
Tomorrow night, I'm going to
put the "V" in your Valentine.
128
00:08:33,768 --> 00:08:36,020
That's right. Fuck me.
129
00:08:36,103 --> 00:08:38,981
Hey, Warren, who gonna be
your Valentine this year?
130
00:08:39,064 --> 00:08:42,318
You always battin' them
freaky blacks at somebody.
131
00:08:42,402 --> 00:08:43,403
Oh, no.
132
00:08:43,486 --> 00:08:47,740
No, this year I'm loving
someone who deserves me. Me.
133
00:08:49,284 --> 00:08:50,451
Loser.
134
00:08:50,535 --> 00:08:51,786
Shut up!
135
00:08:51,869 --> 00:08:55,205
Whatever. Depressing-ass
time of year, you ask me.
136
00:08:55,290 --> 00:08:56,499
Motherfucker!
137
00:08:58,042 --> 00:09:00,503
Shit. You pissed your pants?
138
00:09:03,256 --> 00:09:05,300
I'm gonna go find you a diaper.
139
00:09:06,717 --> 00:09:09,470
Your attention,
please. Visiting hours are now open.
140
00:09:09,554 --> 00:09:12,390
All prisoners are free to
go to the visiting room.
141
00:09:16,143 --> 00:09:18,688
Tomorrow's Florence Henderson's birthday!
142
00:09:18,771 --> 00:09:19,897
What?
143
00:09:19,980 --> 00:09:22,317
Valentine's day. Florence
Henderson's birthday!
144
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,403
We should be having our annual
naked Brady-thon celebration
145
00:09:25,486 --> 00:09:28,155
and I should be doing some kind
of a striptease to sunshine day.
146
00:09:28,238 --> 00:09:31,576
And then maybe something... maybe
something with Wesson oil, that...
147
00:09:31,659 --> 00:09:32,952
Piper.
148
00:09:35,621 --> 00:09:36,622
Hi.
149
00:09:39,292 --> 00:09:40,418
Hi.
150
00:09:42,462 --> 00:09:44,213
Hi.
151
00:09:44,297 --> 00:09:45,423
Hmm.
152
00:09:46,299 --> 00:09:48,509
I heard about your grandma.
153
00:09:51,387 --> 00:09:53,055
Larry...
154
00:09:55,308 --> 00:09:56,851
I want my home.
155
00:09:58,436 --> 00:10:00,313
When I get out of here,
156
00:10:02,315 --> 00:10:03,691
I wanna come home.
157
00:10:05,318 --> 00:10:07,612
That's quite the statement.
158
00:10:12,658 --> 00:10:14,327
You sure about that?
159
00:10:15,661 --> 00:10:18,498
Yeah, I'm sure.
160
00:10:20,666 --> 00:10:22,668
Well, I'm not asking you.
161
00:10:24,337 --> 00:10:28,549
I'm asking future Piper. Free Piper.
162
00:10:29,884 --> 00:10:32,553
Can you guarantee that you still will?
163
00:10:32,637 --> 00:10:34,972
Future Piper hopes so.
164
00:10:36,516 --> 00:10:38,351
Present Larry can't live on hope.
165
00:10:39,519 --> 00:10:42,647
Wasabi peas and peanut butter
pretzels, apparently, but not hope.
166
00:10:42,730 --> 00:10:43,773
Please don't mention those things
167
00:10:43,856 --> 00:10:46,734
unless you're hiding
some up your butt for me.
168
00:10:49,529 --> 00:10:50,696
Piper,
169
00:10:53,533 --> 00:10:57,244
this reporter from City Post, Andrew Nance.
170
00:10:58,078 --> 00:10:59,288
He, um...
171
00:11:00,373 --> 00:11:03,626
He asked me about financial
irregularities here.
172
00:11:03,709 --> 00:11:07,922
Uh... vendors that don't exist,
buildings that were never built.
173
00:11:08,047 --> 00:11:09,965
And I was like, "fuck that.
174
00:11:11,133 --> 00:11:13,636
"Why should he write it? I'll write it."
175
00:11:13,719 --> 00:11:15,471
Write what?
176
00:11:15,555 --> 00:11:19,391
An article. With you
investigating from the inside.
177
00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:23,688
Freedom of the press shouldn't only
be a privilege of the free, right?
178
00:11:23,771 --> 00:11:25,272
- What do you say?
- Oh, my God.
179
00:11:25,355 --> 00:11:29,610
Oh, my God, Larry. Jesus Christ!
180
00:11:30,611 --> 00:11:31,612
- What...
- You're doing it again!
181
00:11:31,696 --> 00:11:34,073
What are you talking about?
182
00:11:34,156 --> 00:11:36,701
We'll fucking expose this place, Piper.
183
00:11:36,784 --> 00:11:41,038
You're the moon, Larry. You
have got to stop being the moon!
184
00:11:41,121 --> 00:11:42,457
What's wrong with being the moon?
185
00:11:42,540 --> 00:11:44,249
It doesn't have its own light.
186
00:11:44,333 --> 00:11:48,003
So, right. So, what?
That makes you the sun?
187
00:11:48,087 --> 00:11:50,506
Are you the sun, Piper? Huh?
188
00:11:50,590 --> 00:11:54,927
You're the center of the solar system
and I'm just a dead hunk of crap rock!
189
00:11:55,010 --> 00:11:57,597
How am I supposed to
become my own planet, Piper,
190
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,850
when your shit is still everywhere?
191
00:12:00,933 --> 00:12:02,392
Huh?
192
00:12:02,477 --> 00:12:03,644
You get to move on.
193
00:12:03,728 --> 00:12:08,941
You get to fuck Alex or
whoever's next, and I'm stuck.
194
00:12:09,024 --> 00:12:13,362
I'm stuck with your sweaters and your shoes
195
00:12:13,445 --> 00:12:16,949
and your goddamn Sephora fucking
outlet store worth of products!
196
00:12:18,158 --> 00:12:19,952
You are everywhere.
197
00:12:22,454 --> 00:12:25,625
It's like living inside a sarcophagus.
198
00:12:27,001 --> 00:12:29,419
Well, take my stuff to Polly's
if it's so in your way.
199
00:12:32,297 --> 00:12:34,216
And you mean "mausoleum,"
not "sarcophagus."
200
00:12:34,299 --> 00:12:35,843
Don't tell me what I mean!
201
00:12:42,432 --> 00:12:44,143
At least people can walk on the moon.
202
00:12:45,895 --> 00:12:49,064
Anyone gets near the
sun, they burn right up.
203
00:12:55,029 --> 00:12:58,157
Vee says she's too old.
Don't believe it for a second!
204
00:12:59,491 --> 00:13:03,078
What that woman did to
me... people don't change.
205
00:13:03,162 --> 00:13:04,204
Hurry it up, will you?
206
00:13:05,748 --> 00:13:08,083
I'm trying, ma. The sparks
are burning my cheeks!
207
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:10,878
Then turn your head! Where's your brother?
208
00:13:11,879 --> 00:13:15,257
He got claustrophobic. He's in
the woods, guarding the entrance.
209
00:13:16,258 --> 00:13:18,177
I'm just so sad, mamochka.
210
00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:19,679
I'm sorry she left you, Vastly,
211
00:13:19,762 --> 00:13:22,264
but I'm sure you did
something to deserve it.
212
00:13:22,347 --> 00:13:24,349
I used to watch her sleep
213
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:28,604
and pray for the strength to
stop ruining everything, ma.
214
00:13:28,688 --> 00:13:31,481
And how did that work out for you?
215
00:13:31,566 --> 00:13:34,234
No work today. Come back tomorrow.
216
00:13:34,318 --> 00:13:35,861
Jack said he would be out here.
217
00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,697
I saw him get into a taxi.
218
00:13:38,530 --> 00:13:41,742
A taxi? Out here?
219
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:44,244
Imagine that.
220
00:13:45,245 --> 00:13:46,997
Thank you, young lady.
221
00:13:48,207 --> 00:13:49,541
Hurry it up, will you?
222
00:14:01,386 --> 00:14:02,471
Mama!
223
00:14:02,554 --> 00:14:07,184
You and your disgusting whining!
If you want your woman back, go get her.
224
00:14:07,267 --> 00:14:10,104
Now hand up the shit. Come on!
225
00:14:14,358 --> 00:14:17,069
- When you get out of here...
- Mm-hmm.
226
00:14:17,152 --> 00:14:19,196
Who do you imagine yourself going home to?
227
00:14:20,364 --> 00:14:21,824
Fiona Apple in the criminal video.
228
00:14:21,907 --> 00:14:23,367
Ah.
229
00:14:23,450 --> 00:14:25,494
Stupid question.
230
00:14:25,578 --> 00:14:26,746
What about you?
231
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,041
I always thought it would be Larry,
but I think it's time to re-imagine.
232
00:14:32,376 --> 00:14:36,338
This stupid fucking holiday.
233
00:14:37,422 --> 00:14:39,466
Listen, if you want, I can
help you forget what day it is.
234
00:14:40,593 --> 00:14:43,053
You know, or your name, for that matter.
235
00:14:43,137 --> 00:14:44,179
You know, no.
236
00:14:44,263 --> 00:14:46,473
I am not interested in being a prize,
237
00:14:46,556 --> 00:14:51,186
albeit a shockingly-undervalued
one, in your little sex game.
238
00:14:51,270 --> 00:14:52,980
Fine.
239
00:14:53,063 --> 00:14:59,028
I lost my manipulative,
gorgeous, psychopath ex
240
00:14:59,111 --> 00:15:05,785
and my sweet, kind, unfocused fianc�.
241
00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:09,747
I don't have a home anymore.
242
00:15:09,830 --> 00:15:11,540
Yeah, Chapman, you do.
243
00:15:12,875 --> 00:15:14,794
This shit pile.
244
00:15:14,877 --> 00:15:16,879
Home sweet home.
245
00:15:16,962 --> 00:15:18,172
Look, I gotta say,
246
00:15:18,255 --> 00:15:20,424
your unfocused fianc� is on the
right track with this article shit.
247
00:15:20,507 --> 00:15:24,178
I mean, this is like my 20th time trying
to fix a short in this panel alone.
248
00:15:24,261 --> 00:15:25,512
Nobody's spending money here.
249
00:15:28,641 --> 00:15:31,560
Hey. Gallego said you were looking for me?
250
00:15:31,644 --> 00:15:35,605
Joe, these phone calls. They're amazing!
251
00:15:35,690 --> 00:15:37,775
Listen.
252
00:15:37,858 --> 00:15:40,402
I said to keep
an eye on him, not fuck him!
253
00:15:40,485 --> 00:15:42,822
It was only in
the ass. That don't count.
254
00:15:42,905 --> 00:15:44,073
I'm telling mom.
255
00:15:44,156 --> 00:15:45,240
Whoa.
256
00:15:45,324 --> 00:15:48,535
I know! Anyway. It's so
interesting. All these lives.
257
00:15:48,618 --> 00:15:50,079
It's like reading Dickens!
258
00:15:50,162 --> 00:15:53,248
It's good. Showing initiative.
259
00:15:53,332 --> 00:15:55,542
Maybe it'll help get Fig off my ass.
260
00:15:55,625 --> 00:15:58,378
You know she asked me
to impose a shot quota?
261
00:15:58,462 --> 00:16:00,339
This is ridiculous.
262
00:16:00,422 --> 00:16:02,507
I love that you stand up to her.
263
00:16:05,344 --> 00:16:09,306
So, how are things going
with... what's his name?
264
00:16:10,933 --> 00:16:14,519
They're not going. He wore a lot of vests.
265
00:16:14,603 --> 00:16:16,355
Ah.
266
00:16:16,438 --> 00:16:19,649
Well, that happens.
267
00:16:19,734 --> 00:16:22,945
You know, I play in this band...
268
00:16:23,028 --> 00:16:25,572
You're in a band? Wow!
269
00:16:25,655 --> 00:16:27,032
Yeah?
270
00:16:28,492 --> 00:16:31,161
Yeah. It's no big deal.
271
00:16:32,287 --> 00:16:35,665
We play in town tomorrow
night. You wanna come?
272
00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:38,418
Oh, I'm working the Valentine's party.
273
00:16:40,587 --> 00:16:41,756
I'll get you off.
274
00:16:43,841 --> 00:16:45,300
I'll get you off the schedule.
275
00:16:47,469 --> 00:16:49,638
I can get your shift covered. It's fine.
276
00:16:49,722 --> 00:16:52,975
Well, I do love music! That'd be awesome.
277
00:16:53,058 --> 00:16:54,518
- Thanks.
- Great.
278
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,731
- I'll see you there then!
- Okay.
279
00:17:03,610 --> 00:17:08,115
I had this thing with my
boss at Long John Silver's.
280
00:17:08,198 --> 00:17:11,076
And then I found out
his wife was wicked hot.
281
00:17:12,912 --> 00:17:15,372
So that was nice.
282
00:17:15,455 --> 00:17:17,833
"'How do you know I'm mad?' Said Alice.
283
00:17:17,917 --> 00:17:21,670
"'You must be, ' said the cat,
'or you wouldn't have come here.'"
284
00:17:21,754 --> 00:17:25,132
Mmm. Shit. You right.
285
00:17:25,215 --> 00:17:27,592
Lewis Carroll must have gone to prison.
286
00:17:28,886 --> 00:17:31,055
RJ's mom was named Alice.
287
00:17:31,138 --> 00:17:33,682
Oh, yeah? She fall down a rabbit hole?
288
00:17:33,766 --> 00:17:35,851
- No. A crack hole.
- Ah.
289
00:17:35,935 --> 00:17:38,771
She found a little rock.
Said "smoke me," on it.
290
00:17:38,854 --> 00:17:41,731
That's not funny. That shit was serious.
291
00:17:43,275 --> 00:17:45,903
"Smoke me." You a dumb-ass.
292
00:17:45,986 --> 00:17:48,447
Jefferson. Say goodbye.
You're on custodial now.
293
00:17:48,530 --> 00:17:49,698
Already?
294
00:17:49,782 --> 00:17:53,202
- Wait. You leaving?
- Yeah.
295
00:17:53,285 --> 00:17:55,955
Remember, I told you Vee was
getting something together?
296
00:17:56,038 --> 00:17:58,623
But why would you leave the library,
man? You know you love it here.
297
00:17:58,707 --> 00:18:00,167
You don't understand.
298
00:18:01,168 --> 00:18:02,795
I owe her.
299
00:18:04,296 --> 00:18:07,549
She could probably get
you transferred, I bet.
300
00:18:07,632 --> 00:18:08,675
Nah.
301
00:18:09,844 --> 00:18:11,511
No, I know when I got it good.
302
00:18:12,637 --> 00:18:15,975
Okay. Well, I'll see you at dinner.
303
00:18:29,654 --> 00:18:30,655
_
304
00:18:31,281 --> 00:18:32,282
_
305
00:18:32,782 --> 00:18:33,783
_
306
00:18:33,868 --> 00:18:34,869
_
307
00:18:34,952 --> 00:18:35,995
Sorry.
308
00:18:40,332 --> 00:18:42,084
Okay.
309
00:18:47,965 --> 00:18:48,966
_
310
00:18:49,508 --> 00:18:51,010
- Yeah? Yeah?
- Yeah.
311
00:18:53,178 --> 00:18:54,179
_
312
00:18:54,263 --> 00:18:55,597
_
313
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:58,808
_
314
00:19:12,697 --> 00:19:14,658
_
315
00:19:15,742 --> 00:19:17,995
_
316
00:19:19,538 --> 00:19:21,123
_
317
00:19:21,415 --> 00:19:23,792
_
318
00:19:25,252 --> 00:19:27,504
_
319
00:19:29,798 --> 00:19:31,133
_
320
00:19:32,217 --> 00:19:34,386
_
321
00:19:44,063 --> 00:19:45,105
_
322
00:19:57,451 --> 00:19:58,911
_
323
00:20:11,548 --> 00:20:12,799
Oh, yeah.
324
00:20:13,968 --> 00:20:15,385
_
325
00:20:19,639 --> 00:20:21,141
What the fuck?
326
00:21:28,875 --> 00:21:31,336
- Just this.
- It's on the list.
327
00:21:31,420 --> 00:21:33,047
- It's fucking vapor!
- Give me a break, Eliqua.
328
00:21:33,130 --> 00:21:36,883
Caputo's up my ass today.
Put it in your car. Next.
329
00:21:47,936 --> 00:21:49,896
Pat-downs are mandatory now.
330
00:22:02,367 --> 00:22:03,952
I'm just kidding.
331
00:22:04,036 --> 00:22:06,455
I don't wanna touch that peg-leg shit.
332
00:22:06,538 --> 00:22:09,374
Happy Valentine's Day. Next.
333
00:22:20,719 --> 00:22:21,886
Look at this shit.
334
00:22:24,139 --> 00:22:27,058
You're lucky you're pretty.
You know that, right?
335
00:22:28,268 --> 00:22:29,978
What does that one say?
336
00:22:30,061 --> 00:22:34,524
"Ian." In case he shows up today. Stupid.
337
00:22:35,525 --> 00:22:37,111
Shit.
338
00:22:42,073 --> 00:22:44,243
I'm so glad we're family.
339
00:23:01,176 --> 00:23:04,929
- Happy Valentine's Day.
- Thanks.
340
00:23:07,349 --> 00:23:10,727
Are you cooking up something
special for me today?
341
00:23:10,810 --> 00:23:12,646
The house smells great.
342
00:23:13,647 --> 00:23:17,359
That's what you're gonna expect me to do?
Cook for you? Be your little housewife?
343
00:23:17,442 --> 00:23:18,527
It's not happening.
344
00:23:18,610 --> 00:23:21,946
No. I thought we were playing the...
345
00:23:22,030 --> 00:23:23,448
I don't care if you cook.
346
00:23:24,449 --> 00:23:27,035
Sorry. I've just been depressed today.
347
00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:30,747
I don't want to play
the normal game anymore
348
00:23:30,830 --> 00:23:33,667
'cause I don't know how we
ever are gonna be normal.
349
00:23:39,256 --> 00:23:41,508
Well, just so you know.
Counselors can be a great resource
350
00:23:41,591 --> 00:23:44,469
if you feel like you need
to talk or cry or something.
351
00:23:44,553 --> 00:23:45,887
- Who'd you get?
- Healy.
352
00:23:45,970 --> 00:23:46,971
Oh.
353
00:23:47,055 --> 00:23:49,057
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
354
00:23:49,140 --> 00:23:51,935
I just get the sense that none
of the girls really like him.
355
00:23:52,018 --> 00:23:53,978
But you're tough, you'll be fine.
356
00:23:56,064 --> 00:24:00,902
Have you noticed we've been blowing
a lot of fuses around here lately?
357
00:24:00,985 --> 00:24:02,737
You're just noticing this
place is falling apart?
358
00:24:02,821 --> 00:24:05,782
Doesn't the prison have a
budget for infrastructure?
359
00:24:05,865 --> 00:24:07,116
Sure.
360
00:24:07,201 --> 00:24:11,162
And what happened to the
electrical budget from last quarter?
361
00:24:11,246 --> 00:24:15,250
It went to "upgrading the A block
grid and loading dock panel."
362
00:24:15,334 --> 00:24:16,710
Really? We did that?
363
00:24:16,793 --> 00:24:18,169
That's what the budget report says.
364
00:24:18,253 --> 00:24:20,255
- So we did it?
- Okay.
365
00:24:20,339 --> 00:24:21,756
- So it happened?
- Why not?
366
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,758
I don't understand.
367
00:24:23,842 --> 00:24:26,177
Trust me. You don't want to.
368
00:24:26,261 --> 00:24:31,600
Congratulations. Hour's up.
You just earned another 11 cents.
369
00:24:36,355 --> 00:24:40,484
All right, everybody. Dolphin pose.
370
00:24:48,533 --> 00:24:50,619
You know, I think I can help
you with the dolphin pose.
371
00:24:50,702 --> 00:24:53,037
The trick is to make sure that
your pelvic basin is just right...
372
00:24:53,121 --> 00:24:54,539
Get away from me.
373
00:25:09,388 --> 00:25:12,391
No way! Thanks, Red.
374
00:25:17,396 --> 00:25:21,024
Red! Bless you!
375
00:25:25,404 --> 00:25:28,990
Now, let's return to dolphin pose.
376
00:25:31,951 --> 00:25:33,077
Kukicha tea.
377
00:25:36,331 --> 00:25:37,707
Well, look who's back.
378
00:25:41,795 --> 00:25:45,924
Sorry to interrupt, girls.
Continue with your dolphins.
379
00:25:50,136 --> 00:25:52,889
Fuck, just bagged a four-pointer.
380
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:00,605
We're almost tied.
381
00:26:04,776 --> 00:26:05,777
Listen up.
382
00:26:06,778 --> 00:26:09,280
This angry nonsense has to stop.
383
00:26:11,032 --> 00:26:13,743
We're going to need each other soon.
384
00:26:13,827 --> 00:26:15,244
All of us.
385
00:26:30,344 --> 00:26:31,720
I'm not kidding, Nicky.
386
00:26:32,846 --> 00:26:36,516
We have to stick together.
We're stronger together.
387
00:26:37,809 --> 00:26:39,644
So you try to buy their love back?
388
00:26:41,438 --> 00:26:43,064
Yeah. Thanks, Red.
389
00:26:52,699 --> 00:26:55,076
Why are you asking me that?
390
00:26:56,202 --> 00:27:00,665
You shouldn't be talking to me.
So... you shouldn't be...
391
00:27:02,584 --> 00:27:05,462
- Fourteen foot powders.
- Check.
392
00:27:05,545 --> 00:27:08,465
- Twenty Effergrips.
- Check that.
393
00:27:08,548 --> 00:27:10,842
Remember when we sold smokes?
394
00:27:10,925 --> 00:27:13,344
God, I swear I'm gonna vote libertarian.
395
00:27:13,428 --> 00:27:16,305
I gotta run to my car. I'll be right back.
396
00:27:22,812 --> 00:27:24,105
Mind if I step out for a moment?
397
00:27:24,188 --> 00:27:25,940
I don't give a shit.
398
00:27:32,363 --> 00:27:33,657
Let me guess.
399
00:27:33,740 --> 00:27:39,370
"Yo, Vee, I'm just so mad since y'all
got Taystee transferred to custodial.
400
00:27:39,454 --> 00:27:43,249
"Just left me in the library
with my titties in my hand."
401
00:27:44,751 --> 00:27:45,752
Close?
402
00:27:46,503 --> 00:27:49,380
No, you left out, "if you get
her in trouble, I'll kill you."
403
00:27:52,091 --> 00:27:53,760
- Really?
- Bet.
404
00:27:55,261 --> 00:27:57,639
- And how would you kill me?
- I'll figure it out.
405
00:27:59,223 --> 00:28:03,061
I know she thinks she owes
you, but from what I heard,
406
00:28:04,395 --> 00:28:08,191
you're just a bully who uses
lost kids for her own shit
407
00:28:08,274 --> 00:28:10,777
and then dumps 'em soon
as the heat comes down.
408
00:28:10,860 --> 00:28:12,070
You're a fucking vampire.
409
00:28:13,112 --> 00:28:16,908
There was this kid growing
up. Name was Haro Jones.
410
00:28:19,619 --> 00:28:21,996
He had these arms. I just wanted to...
411
00:28:23,247 --> 00:28:27,043
Lick the length of his arms.
412
00:28:27,126 --> 00:28:29,796
And then one day I walked into the park.
413
00:28:31,506 --> 00:28:34,133
Found his hand up Jamela Larkin's skirt.
414
00:28:35,259 --> 00:28:36,427
Broke my poor fool heart.
415
00:28:36,511 --> 00:28:39,097
Look, lady, I don't give a fuck
about your little stories and shit...
416
00:28:39,180 --> 00:28:40,264
Taystee...
417
00:28:41,808 --> 00:28:42,809
Will...
418
00:28:44,227 --> 00:28:45,770
Never...
419
00:28:45,854 --> 00:28:47,606
Love...
420
00:28:47,689 --> 00:28:48,732
You.
421
00:28:49,816 --> 00:28:52,026
She will never love you.
422
00:28:53,862 --> 00:28:55,447
Not the way you want.
423
00:29:02,286 --> 00:29:04,330
Yo, I don't want her like that.
424
00:29:05,665 --> 00:29:09,461
I'm just looking out for her. That's all.
425
00:29:27,646 --> 00:29:32,692
Yo, pops, some fucking Chinese soldiers
was just smoking right outside my window.
426
00:29:37,030 --> 00:29:38,490
I'm so sorry.
427
00:29:38,573 --> 00:29:40,408
What? Where's mom?
428
00:29:40,492 --> 00:29:41,576
She's fine.
429
00:29:42,827 --> 00:29:44,746
We're being transferred back to the States.
430
00:29:44,829 --> 00:29:47,749
I don't know why, but we are.
431
00:29:50,502 --> 00:29:51,670
What?
432
00:29:51,753 --> 00:29:53,087
Sorry.
433
00:29:54,714 --> 00:29:56,633
I let you both down, P.
434
00:29:59,719 --> 00:30:01,763
I don't know what to say.
435
00:30:17,571 --> 00:30:18,822
All right.
436
00:30:28,540 --> 00:30:31,543
Jesus! What the...
437
00:30:44,764 --> 00:30:46,057
You're out of bounds, Chapman.
438
00:30:47,559 --> 00:30:50,562
Well, I won't tell if you don't.
439
00:30:54,107 --> 00:30:55,483
Treating us like we're prisoners.
440
00:30:57,736 --> 00:31:03,199
Hey, you know, I heard that there
were plans to build a gym here.
441
00:31:03,282 --> 00:31:04,909
Do you know whatever happened to that?
442
00:31:04,993 --> 00:31:06,077
What always happens.
443
00:31:07,078 --> 00:31:08,663
I'll take it from here.
444
00:31:12,792 --> 00:31:14,586
Just looking for a faulty wire.
445
00:31:14,669 --> 00:31:16,921
Why are you asking Maxwell about a gym?
446
00:31:17,964 --> 00:31:20,717
From what I hear, you're
full of questions lately.
447
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:22,551
You know that I have always been interested
448
00:31:22,636 --> 00:31:24,721
in the health and safety of others.
449
00:31:25,805 --> 00:31:27,849
I'm trying to help you with your nana.
450
00:31:27,932 --> 00:31:31,269
So again, why are you
asking all these questions?
451
00:31:40,111 --> 00:31:42,864
"Freedom of the press shouldn't
only be a privilege of the free."
452
00:31:44,448 --> 00:31:47,118
What the fuck does that mean?
453
00:31:47,201 --> 00:31:49,328
What does the press have
anything to do with this?
454
00:31:52,666 --> 00:31:54,751
I'm starting a prison newsletter.
455
00:31:54,834 --> 00:31:56,628
- A newsletter?
- A newsletter.
456
00:31:57,712 --> 00:32:00,924
A newsletter... written by the prisoners...
457
00:32:01,007 --> 00:32:06,680
with articles and Op-Ed pieces.
458
00:32:06,763 --> 00:32:08,556
That is why I've been trying
to get out of my bubble
459
00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:10,349
and get to know this place.
460
00:32:10,433 --> 00:32:13,477
We... this is our home.
461
00:32:15,146 --> 00:32:17,691
We should all be communicating more.
462
00:32:17,774 --> 00:32:21,861
Inmates, guards, administration.
463
00:32:21,945 --> 00:32:24,197
This could really,
464
00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:30,328
really help us get to know each
other and this place better.
465
00:32:33,039 --> 00:32:36,584
Pending your approval, of course,
466
00:32:38,753 --> 00:32:42,757
Mr. Editor-In-Chief.
467
00:32:42,841 --> 00:32:44,092
Don't oversell it.
468
00:32:50,890 --> 00:32:52,433
- A newsletter?
- Mmm.
469
00:32:54,102 --> 00:32:56,771
Okay. I'm not saying yes.
470
00:32:58,189 --> 00:33:00,274
Show me some sample stories by tomorrow.
471
00:33:00,358 --> 00:33:03,027
Tomorrow? Sure. Okay. Yeah.
472
00:33:05,404 --> 00:33:07,490
The girls used to like me.
473
00:33:10,869 --> 00:33:12,661
They will again.
474
00:33:15,874 --> 00:33:18,251
Hey, hey, hey. How my girls doing?
475
00:33:23,089 --> 00:33:24,090
Ooh.
476
00:33:25,216 --> 00:33:27,593
Why you got your famous pouty face on?
477
00:33:28,887 --> 00:33:30,554
I don't understand what you doing.
478
00:33:30,638 --> 00:33:32,681
Yeah? And how many times have
you not understood my methods
479
00:33:32,766 --> 00:33:35,018
only to have everything be made clear?
480
00:33:35,101 --> 00:33:37,311
Yeah, like when the cops were after RJ?
481
00:33:37,395 --> 00:33:41,399
God damn! You done gone for
the nuclear option early.
482
00:33:41,482 --> 00:33:43,651
Why don't you
ever wanna talk about RJ?
483
00:33:43,735 --> 00:33:47,571
Because it's in the past, girl.
I live in the now. So should you.
484
00:33:47,655 --> 00:33:52,285
All damn day I've been scrubbing
toilets, defending you.
485
00:33:52,368 --> 00:33:54,287
And I don't even believe in you anymore!
486
00:33:54,370 --> 00:33:55,621
- Taystee.
- No!
487
00:33:55,704 --> 00:33:57,456
You don't have a plan.
488
00:33:57,540 --> 00:34:00,459
You just wanna prove that
you can order me around.
489
00:34:00,543 --> 00:34:02,336
But no, not anymore.
490
00:34:02,420 --> 00:34:03,838
- Open the box.
- What?
491
00:34:03,922 --> 00:34:05,714
Open the box.
492
00:34:11,930 --> 00:34:14,766
Man, I told you. I'm done cleaning.
493
00:34:17,060 --> 00:34:18,602
What are you doing?
494
00:34:19,938 --> 00:34:22,273
What? Tobacco?
495
00:34:24,943 --> 00:34:26,820
But where's the cleanser?
496
00:34:34,472 --> 00:34:37,357
__
497
00:34:46,965 --> 00:34:49,258
Okay, it's like getting into a bath,
498
00:34:49,342 --> 00:34:52,971
but the water is like
warm chocolate pudding.
499
00:34:53,054 --> 00:34:56,765
And The Smiths are playing there
is a light that never goes out.
500
00:34:56,850 --> 00:35:01,896
Oh. There's warm lighting all over and
there're like five dudes massaging you.
501
00:35:03,647 --> 00:35:05,608
And you have a pizza.
502
00:35:05,691 --> 00:35:08,361
She's right. And you also have a pizza.
503
00:35:14,492 --> 00:35:17,495
Hey, I got some hooch from
that Greek chick with the beard.
504
00:35:22,166 --> 00:35:24,710
- That's pretty good!
- Yeah?
505
00:35:24,793 --> 00:35:29,924
Fischer's out today. Apparently
having her woman time.
506
00:35:30,008 --> 00:35:31,759
Oh.
507
00:35:31,843 --> 00:35:32,927
Where's Joe?
508
00:35:33,011 --> 00:35:36,014
He's out, too. Yeah.
509
00:35:36,097 --> 00:35:39,475
Let 'em have their stupid little party
and then don't put enough muscle on.
510
00:35:39,558 --> 00:35:41,102
So typical.
511
00:35:41,185 --> 00:35:43,646
Bronikowski, leave room for Jesus.
512
00:35:43,729 --> 00:35:46,649
I will shut this thing down in a heartbeat.
513
00:35:48,692 --> 00:35:50,361
You know what's funny?
514
00:35:51,529 --> 00:35:54,032
I'm in a women's prison,
515
00:35:55,699 --> 00:35:58,119
but I don't understand women at all.
516
00:35:58,202 --> 00:36:00,704
I'll tell you something
about women, Bennett.
517
00:36:00,788 --> 00:36:03,791
With women, you make 'em think
you're meeting them halfway,
518
00:36:03,875 --> 00:36:05,543
when really what you're doing is
519
00:36:05,626 --> 00:36:08,922
you're meeting them about
10% to 15% of the way.
520
00:36:10,381 --> 00:36:14,302
Women are really bad at
math. Don't forget that.
521
00:36:16,095 --> 00:36:17,846
I won't, sir.
522
00:36:22,726 --> 00:36:25,646
- Did Jack call yet?
- Who?
523
00:36:37,283 --> 00:36:40,578
Listen, Daya. I know we
can't be normal, but...
524
00:36:41,245 --> 00:36:42,830
Shh.
525
00:36:42,914 --> 00:36:45,666
Take me somewhere. Now.
526
00:36:55,634 --> 00:36:57,971
Wow. They're bigger!
527
00:37:01,975 --> 00:37:03,476
Let's go.
528
00:37:40,638 --> 00:37:41,639
What is this?
529
00:37:42,931 --> 00:37:45,101
Yo!
530
00:37:47,853 --> 00:37:49,397
Close your eyes.
531
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:51,190
- What? Why?
- Close 'em.
532
00:37:54,652 --> 00:37:56,237
Open your lips.
533
00:37:58,322 --> 00:37:59,907
Less.
534
00:37:59,991 --> 00:38:01,159
- T...
- Do it.
535
00:38:10,668 --> 00:38:13,587
What? What's this? A cigarette?
536
00:38:15,256 --> 00:38:19,093
We in business, P! Vee's
got a whole sales plan.
537
00:38:19,177 --> 00:38:22,221
We getting paid! I told you.
538
00:38:22,305 --> 00:38:25,058
Next-level Mr. Miyagi shit, son!
539
00:38:29,687 --> 00:38:31,230
_
540
00:38:32,065 --> 00:38:33,066
_
541
00:38:33,482 --> 00:38:34,733
_
542
00:38:34,983 --> 00:38:35,984
_
543
00:38:36,319 --> 00:38:37,320
_
544
00:38:37,861 --> 00:38:39,697
_
545
00:38:41,282 --> 00:38:42,366
_
546
00:38:44,202 --> 00:38:45,203
_
547
00:38:45,619 --> 00:38:47,371
_
548
00:38:48,414 --> 00:38:49,707
_
549
00:38:50,041 --> 00:38:52,085
_
550
00:38:52,668 --> 00:38:56,630
_
551
00:38:56,839 --> 00:38:58,382
_
552
00:38:59,217 --> 00:39:00,718
_
553
00:39:02,053 --> 00:39:03,887
_
554
00:39:20,738 --> 00:39:23,157
Well, that was unexpected.
555
00:39:23,241 --> 00:39:26,494
Sorry. I was in a mood before.
556
00:39:29,247 --> 00:39:31,290
You're the sweetest man.
557
00:39:33,292 --> 00:39:34,335
Here.
558
00:39:42,593 --> 00:39:44,011
Look at the dog!
559
00:39:45,971 --> 00:39:47,556
This is so great.
560
00:39:49,267 --> 00:39:50,851
So was this.
561
00:39:50,934 --> 00:39:52,936
Mmm. This.
562
00:39:57,233 --> 00:39:59,110
Sneaky, sneaky man.
563
00:40:04,072 --> 00:40:08,827
See? We can be a normal couple.
Except you misspelled "Valentine's."
564
00:40:11,289 --> 00:40:12,498
No, I didn't.
565
00:40:14,250 --> 00:40:16,127
Mendez did.
566
00:40:30,808 --> 00:40:31,809
Hi.
567
00:40:34,312 --> 00:40:36,564
I was wondering if I could
ask you a few questions
568
00:40:36,647 --> 00:40:38,274
for a newsletter we're starting.
569
00:40:38,357 --> 00:40:42,320
A newsletter? Okay, good luck.
570
00:40:42,403 --> 00:40:46,490
So, since it's Valentine's Day,
571
00:40:47,825 --> 00:40:49,743
what is love to you?
572
00:40:49,827 --> 00:40:51,412
How would you define love?
573
00:40:51,495 --> 00:40:53,956
That's a retarded fucking question.
574
00:40:55,666 --> 00:40:57,335
Okay. Um...
575
00:40:59,253 --> 00:41:00,629
How about this?
576
00:41:01,839 --> 00:41:03,216
When was the last time
577
00:41:03,299 --> 00:41:06,635
you saw any major plumbing
work being done around here?
578
00:41:07,845 --> 00:41:09,222
Hmm.
579
00:41:09,305 --> 00:41:13,601
- '04 to '05, maybe?
- '04 to '05.
580
00:41:13,684 --> 00:41:18,356
This fatso named Donna Cusio
broke three toilets in one week.
581
00:41:19,607 --> 00:41:21,984
It was a mess, man.
582
00:41:26,530 --> 00:41:30,201
I bet. Big, big woman.
583
00:41:36,749 --> 00:41:39,293
_
584
00:41:42,045 --> 00:41:43,631
_
585
00:41:44,382 --> 00:41:45,383
_
586
00:41:48,010 --> 00:41:51,555
I just wanted to call
and wish you a happy Valentine's Day.
587
00:41:55,226 --> 00:41:56,810
_
588
00:41:57,185 --> 00:41:58,229
_
589
00:41:58,729 --> 00:42:00,022
_
590
00:42:05,611 --> 00:42:07,405
I learned that for you.
591
00:42:09,698 --> 00:42:13,952
I'm a good man, Katya. You'll see that.
592
00:42:15,704 --> 00:42:20,167
I'm gonna make you really proud
to be married to this big galoot.
593
00:42:21,544 --> 00:42:23,045
I swear to...
594
00:42:37,685 --> 00:42:39,353
What the fuck you
mean there's no Ferris?
595
00:42:39,437 --> 00:42:41,188
No, okay. Hear me out.
596
00:42:41,272 --> 00:42:42,856
Ferris is just a projection
597
00:42:42,940 --> 00:42:46,610
of Cameron's inability to stand
up to his domineering father.
598
00:42:46,694 --> 00:42:51,198
But here's the mind-fuck. Cameron
never actually leaves his room!
599
00:42:51,282 --> 00:42:52,283
Remember, he's sick.
600
00:42:52,366 --> 00:42:57,830
He invents this idealized self, Ferris.
Plus his, like, 30-year-old girlfriend.
601
00:42:57,913 --> 00:43:00,040
And then imagines this epic adventure
602
00:43:00,123 --> 00:43:03,544
with car chases, parades,
ball games, blah, blah, blah.
603
00:43:03,627 --> 00:43:04,878
So this day off
604
00:43:04,962 --> 00:43:08,048
is actually just the day off from his
rigid coherence to mind-body alignment...
605
00:43:08,131 --> 00:43:10,634
Would you please shut the fuck up?
606
00:43:12,636 --> 00:43:15,473
Sorry. It's just a theory I read.
607
00:43:18,476 --> 00:43:21,019
Next time, just sit on her face.
It shuts her right up.
608
00:43:21,103 --> 00:43:23,522
I'll keep that in mind.
609
00:43:39,663 --> 00:43:40,748
Why are you ignoring me?
610
00:43:43,250 --> 00:43:46,169
Why are you ignoring me?
Spit it out! Come on!
611
00:43:46,253 --> 00:43:50,341
Look, you've been lording over this
group like some Hillary Clinton dictator.
612
00:43:50,424 --> 00:43:51,842
- What?
- And we wanna be a democracy.
613
00:43:51,925 --> 00:43:53,511
Are you calling me Hillary Clinton?
614
00:43:54,345 --> 00:43:55,971
If the pantsuit fits.
615
00:43:57,305 --> 00:43:59,266
Look, we're done with you. Right?
616
00:44:00,183 --> 00:44:01,810
Y'all are done with me?
617
00:44:03,437 --> 00:44:05,981
That's really funny.
That's really funny, Leanne.
618
00:44:06,064 --> 00:44:08,191
'Cause if I'm Hillary Clinton,
619
00:44:08,275 --> 00:44:12,195
then y'all must be some sister-wife,
tweaker, slurpee-drinking,
620
00:44:12,279 --> 00:44:17,743
fourth-grade reading level,
daddy-on-cops, trailer trash nothing!
621
00:44:19,286 --> 00:44:20,287
And you know what? It's okay
622
00:44:20,371 --> 00:44:22,540
'cause you ain't never
even challenged me anyway.
623
00:44:22,623 --> 00:44:25,208
Actually, you know what?
None of you did. Not one.
624
00:44:25,292 --> 00:44:27,878
You keep playing tennis
with someone worse than you
625
00:44:27,961 --> 00:44:30,714
and you ain't never gonna
get better. So thank you.
626
00:44:30,798 --> 00:44:33,884
- You play tennis?
- It's a metaphor, you potato with eyes!
627
00:44:36,136 --> 00:44:39,890
You know what? Pardon my
French, but you can eat my shit.
628
00:44:39,973 --> 00:44:40,974
Whore.
629
00:44:41,058 --> 00:44:42,476
Whore. Whore.
630
00:44:45,729 --> 00:44:47,898
Man, that was awkward.
631
00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:52,069
- Angie?
- Yeah?
632
00:44:52,152 --> 00:44:53,821
Go get me some punch.
633
00:44:56,406 --> 00:44:57,575
Fine.
634
00:45:17,470 --> 00:45:18,637
Great party.
635
00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:22,182
Listen, we are so happy
636
00:45:22,265 --> 00:45:28,021
that you and Daya are having such
fun, special, secret times together.
637
00:45:28,105 --> 00:45:31,024
And we really admire you
providing for her so well.
638
00:45:31,108 --> 00:45:32,860
You know, despite the circumstances.
639
00:45:32,943 --> 00:45:34,444
And we just wanted to let you know
640
00:45:34,528 --> 00:45:38,281
that we support you 500%
with our continued silence.
641
00:45:38,365 --> 00:45:41,827
Considering as such, in your next
round of leg-based contraband,
642
00:45:41,910 --> 00:45:43,203
we had a couple requests
643
00:45:43,286 --> 00:45:46,289
that could make our aforementioned
silence a little bit more comfortable.
644
00:45:46,373 --> 00:45:49,585
I mean, I, personally,
request an iPod Shuffle.
645
00:45:49,668 --> 00:45:53,964
You know, loaded with alt and
post-punk, Depeche Mode, Erasure...
646
00:45:54,047 --> 00:45:57,551
And I need Yoo-hoo and act
fluoride rinse for my teeth.
647
00:45:57,635 --> 00:46:00,638
A cell phone. With a camera. Thank you.
648
00:46:01,805 --> 00:46:03,306
Happy Valentine's Day.
649
00:46:03,390 --> 00:46:05,100
- Thanks.
- Okay.
650
00:46:09,104 --> 00:46:10,939
You know, that's a fucking low blow,
651
00:46:11,023 --> 00:46:13,400
even for a filthy sewer rat
like you, Nichols. Really.
652
00:46:13,483 --> 00:46:15,569
You told people I have crabs.
653
00:46:15,653 --> 00:46:18,113
You just found out about that?
654
00:46:18,196 --> 00:46:19,197
It is cheating!
655
00:46:19,281 --> 00:46:22,785
Come on. A-Rod doesn't cry when
he gets plunked in Beantown.
656
00:46:22,868 --> 00:46:24,745
He sucks it up and tries to steal second.
657
00:46:24,828 --> 00:46:26,914
I've been trying to both
suck and steal second,
658
00:46:26,997 --> 00:46:28,957
but I can't because everybody
thinks I have cooties!
659
00:46:30,543 --> 00:46:33,420
Speaking of a set, how many you got?
660
00:46:33,503 --> 00:46:34,588
Thirty-six.
661
00:46:34,672 --> 00:46:37,633
After I gave Pirkle the double
shocker in the showers just now.
662
00:46:37,716 --> 00:46:39,426
Really? You Pirkled?
663
00:46:39,509 --> 00:46:41,595
Oh, I Pirkled and then I Pirkled again.
664
00:46:41,679 --> 00:46:45,015
- And?
- It was gnarly.
665
00:46:45,098 --> 00:46:46,516
It's macroclit.
666
00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:48,811
- It was like blowing a toddler.
- Oh, my God!
667
00:46:48,894 --> 00:46:51,939
- It was so uncomfortable.
- That's fucking hilarious.
668
00:46:52,022 --> 00:46:55,734
Oh, God! So 36. We're tied.
669
00:46:56,777 --> 00:46:58,070
- Yep.
- Yeah.
670
00:46:59,237 --> 00:47:01,865
- Hey, do you wanna just stop?
- Have you considered maybe we just stop?
671
00:47:01,949 --> 00:47:04,326
- Because I could do that.
- I don't have to but if you want to.
672
00:47:04,409 --> 00:47:08,288
- 'Cause we both fucked...
- Lots.
673
00:47:08,371 --> 00:47:11,208
Remind me why we did this to
ourselves in the first place.
674
00:47:11,291 --> 00:47:13,335
Because I am insanely competitive.
675
00:47:13,418 --> 00:47:16,546
And I need to feed my addictive
tendencies at all times.
676
00:47:19,091 --> 00:47:20,801
Cookie-eating contest?
677
00:47:20,884 --> 00:47:24,137
Son, have you ever actually seen me?
678
00:47:24,221 --> 00:47:26,431
- You are going down.
- Get out...
679
00:47:40,278 --> 00:47:42,530
Thanks, guys. That was for Cora.
680
00:47:42,615 --> 00:47:46,243
We're gonna miss your laugh, corndog.
And we're gonna take five.
681
00:47:49,997 --> 00:47:54,209
Hey! You made it! We're just going on break.
682
00:47:54,292 --> 00:47:57,170
Wow. You look so different.
683
00:47:57,254 --> 00:48:01,008
Well, you know. I like to
keep things profesh at work.
684
00:48:02,009 --> 00:48:03,844
I saved you a stool with a view.
685
00:48:03,927 --> 00:48:06,179
Actually, we're gonna need a table.
686
00:48:06,263 --> 00:48:09,307
- I didn't know you were coming.
- You heard me say it sounded fun.
687
00:48:09,391 --> 00:48:11,769
I hope you don't mind I told
some of the guys about your show.
688
00:48:11,852 --> 00:48:12,978
I almost didn't make it.
689
00:48:13,061 --> 00:48:16,606
Get this, the sellers are now refusing
to drop the replacement contingency!
690
00:48:16,690 --> 00:48:18,233
Would you shut up about real estate?
691
00:48:18,316 --> 00:48:20,485
I asked you to move in
with me and you said no.
692
00:48:20,568 --> 00:48:23,321
So you have no talking rights here.
693
00:48:24,322 --> 00:48:26,909
This is nice. Like a double date!
694
00:48:26,992 --> 00:48:29,077
- We're not together.
- We're not together.
695
00:48:29,161 --> 00:48:30,578
Actually we're gonna need another chair.
696
00:48:31,579 --> 00:48:33,040
Why?
697
00:48:37,627 --> 00:48:39,587
You look like the gay Edge.
698
00:48:44,467 --> 00:48:46,219
Hey!
699
00:48:59,316 --> 00:49:04,071
It's like you become more you.
Which normally is like...
700
00:49:06,990 --> 00:49:12,913
But now it's okay...
Because the person, like,
701
00:49:15,623 --> 00:49:20,087
whoever, they chose to take all that on.
702
00:49:21,379 --> 00:49:23,048
All that weird stuff.
703
00:49:23,131 --> 00:49:27,594
Whatever's wrong or bad or hiding in you.
704
00:49:28,595 --> 00:49:30,848
Suddenly it's all right.
705
00:49:32,182 --> 00:49:34,893
You don't feel like such a freak anymore.
706
00:49:37,687 --> 00:49:38,897
Larry!
707
00:49:40,523 --> 00:49:42,609
Would the moon do this?
708
00:49:49,241 --> 00:49:50,450
I won!
709
00:49:52,995 --> 00:49:55,122
Larry! Good to see you, mate.
710
00:49:55,205 --> 00:49:56,289
Whew.
711
00:49:56,373 --> 00:49:58,291
Sorry about the stink. I killed a caribou!
712
00:49:58,375 --> 00:50:00,460
Less gamey marinated in pineapple juice.
713
00:50:00,543 --> 00:50:02,670
Also, makes your spunk taste good.
714
00:50:02,755 --> 00:50:06,466
So you're in luck, babe! What's that?
715
00:50:06,549 --> 00:50:07,801
Oh. It's, uh...
716
00:50:07,885 --> 00:50:10,137
It's Piper's stuff.
717
00:50:10,220 --> 00:50:13,431
Aw. Brother. Come on, we were
just heading out for some ramen.
718
00:50:13,515 --> 00:50:15,725
You know, we have a babysitter!
I'll leave these with the doorman.
719
00:50:15,809 --> 00:50:17,560
No, Pete. Really, I should... I...
720
00:50:17,644 --> 00:50:20,688
It's Valentine's Day,
asshole! Come join us.
721
00:50:43,962 --> 00:50:47,299
I found this in your trash.
722
00:50:47,382 --> 00:50:48,758
And this is...
723
00:50:53,180 --> 00:50:55,515
The guy you always talking about?
724
00:50:58,768 --> 00:51:01,563
Yeah, I know something about loving people
725
00:51:01,646 --> 00:51:04,107
who aren't smart enough
to wanna be loved back.
726
00:51:05,650 --> 00:51:07,986
But I learned a secret that I can tell you.
727
00:51:08,070 --> 00:51:09,404
They don't deserve it.
728
00:51:14,451 --> 00:51:17,120
He's ruined this day for me forever.
729
00:51:17,204 --> 00:51:19,747
Nobody knows that we're not together.
730
00:51:19,832 --> 00:51:22,667
Yeah, but you do.
731
00:51:29,132 --> 00:51:31,759
- I do. I do know.
- Yeah.
732
00:51:38,934 --> 00:51:40,268
You know what is crazy?
733
00:51:41,394 --> 00:51:44,439
I still wanna believe in all of this stuff.
734
00:51:45,273 --> 00:51:48,068
Even after everything that's happened.
735
00:51:49,736 --> 00:51:52,155
- Isn't that sad?
- Oh, no.
736
00:51:53,531 --> 00:51:55,742
I think that's brave.
737
00:51:57,244 --> 00:51:58,370
Thank you.
738
00:52:13,176 --> 00:52:17,764
Seriously. Do you think
I should get fake tits?
739
00:52:20,267 --> 00:52:22,435
Yeah. Probably.
740
00:52:30,777 --> 00:52:32,195
Asshole.
741
00:52:36,033 --> 00:52:37,492
You know what gets me?
742
00:52:38,701 --> 00:52:43,165
We're wasting the best
years of our lives in here.
743
00:52:43,248 --> 00:52:46,543
Like, our tits are never gonna look better.
744
00:52:46,626 --> 00:52:50,088
Our asses are never gonna look better.
745
00:52:50,172 --> 00:52:54,676
You know, no one's touching my
ass. No one's kissing my lips.
746
00:52:55,928 --> 00:53:00,723
Shit. I'll kiss your dumb lips.
747
00:53:07,897 --> 00:53:09,066
Do it again.
748
00:53:29,252 --> 00:53:31,964
- No!
- No! No.
749
00:53:32,047 --> 00:53:33,548
No.
750
00:53:35,092 --> 00:53:36,593
Come here.
751
00:53:39,429 --> 00:53:40,930
It's okay.
752
00:54:00,450 --> 00:54:03,911
Yo, P. Come and show these fools
how to cabbage patch for real.
753
00:54:03,996 --> 00:54:05,288
Nah. I'm good.
754
00:54:05,372 --> 00:54:06,873
Man, don't act like
everything fine. Like this...
755
00:54:06,956 --> 00:54:08,666
Yo. I don't interrupt you
756
00:54:08,750 --> 00:54:11,169
when you going to town on
a bunch of spaghetti. Damn!
757
00:54:12,045 --> 00:54:15,048
Yo, why don't you head on back
to old Erykah Badu over there?
758
00:54:16,633 --> 00:54:18,343
I'm gonna forget you said that.
759
00:54:18,426 --> 00:54:21,554
I don't give a fuck what
you forget or remember!
760
00:54:22,639 --> 00:54:25,892
Oh, shit. Great! Thanks a lot, man.
761
00:54:31,064 --> 00:54:32,065
_
762
00:54:32,274 --> 00:54:33,316
Poussey!
763
00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:35,985
_
764
00:54:36,278 --> 00:54:37,529
Hey!
765
00:54:40,073 --> 00:54:41,616
- Hey!
- Well?
766
00:54:41,699 --> 00:54:43,910
- We're not leaving.
- Talk to the Americans.
767
00:54:43,993 --> 00:54:48,331
Fuck you. Fuck you, man.
This is your doing. You!
768
00:54:49,332 --> 00:54:50,333
Been drinking, little girl?
769
00:54:50,417 --> 00:54:51,459
_
770
00:54:51,543 --> 00:54:54,379
You don't get
to decide what happens to my life!
771
00:54:55,422 --> 00:54:57,049
Not you!
772
00:54:57,132 --> 00:54:58,175
I love her.
773
00:55:02,011 --> 00:55:04,347
And that is why you're going home.
774
00:55:07,725 --> 00:55:10,228
I'm done. I'm not going anywhere.
775
00:55:16,276 --> 00:55:18,403
Pardon us, oberstleutnant.
776
00:55:20,197 --> 00:55:21,823
Enjoy your ice cream.
777
00:55:21,906 --> 00:55:23,575
You know, there are programs
778
00:55:23,658 --> 00:55:28,288
that can change your daughter's
confused predilections.
779
00:55:29,747 --> 00:55:33,168
Thanks, but she's fine.
780
00:55:49,642 --> 00:55:51,353
My lady.
781
00:55:57,567 --> 00:55:59,319
Fun party.
782
00:55:59,402 --> 00:56:02,530
A party with no men,
booze, real food or drugs.
783
00:56:02,614 --> 00:56:05,325
Good thing we're too old for any trouble.
784
00:56:06,701 --> 00:56:10,163
Right. How's the gardening going?
785
00:56:14,251 --> 00:56:18,130
Once the thaw comes,
we'll really get going.
786
00:56:18,213 --> 00:56:20,257
Well, I'd ask you to join,
787
00:56:22,008 --> 00:56:24,511
but you clearly have your own hobbies.
788
00:56:25,303 --> 00:56:27,096
We gotta have people.
789
00:56:28,097 --> 00:56:30,892
You know this will not end well.
790
00:56:37,315 --> 00:56:38,900
You're retarded.
791
00:58:05,778 --> 00:58:07,697
What about you, Chapman?
792
00:58:09,366 --> 00:58:12,159
It's like coming home after a long trip.
793
00:58:17,457 --> 00:58:19,542
That's what love is like.
794
00:58:22,712 --> 00:58:24,422
It's like coming home.
795
00:58:28,218 --> 00:58:29,886
Thanks for asking.
796
00:58:33,101 --> 00:58:36,937
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