All language subtitles for Oceans Eight 2018 By GoldBerg_44

- Extracted from retail by hadilan.
- Colored HI and improvements by GoldBerg_44

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

PAROLE BOARD OFFICER: Good afternoon, Ms. Ocean.

Hi.

As you know, parole is a privilege.

And one of the restrictions
on any parolee

is to avoid the company

of any person who has a criminal record
of any kind.

That would include
most of your extended family.

Yeah, that's obviously not something
I'm proud of.

Would this pose an impossible challenge
for you?

No. No.

I don't want that life.
I never wanted that life.

(INHALES) My brother,

may he rest in peace,

was a criminal.

I loved him,

but he was a conman.

It was in his blood.

- And it's not in your blood?
- No.

No, sir. Um...

I fell for the wrong person.

It was a mistake.

Uh...

But it happened.

And, um, if I were to be released,
I would, um...

Sorry.

(VOICE BREAKING)
Wow, just saying that...

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

If I were to be released,

(CLEARS THROAT) I would
just want the simple life.

I just wanna hold down a job,

make some friends,

go for a walk after work
in the fresh air

and pay my bills.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA)

(DOOR WHIRRING)

Simple life?

Nice one.

- Heard about that?
- Who didn't?

I had five years to rehearse it.

- Here's your stuff.
- Thank you.

DINA: Nice watch.

- It's my brother's.
- Left it to you?

I stole it.

It's fine, Dina. He stole it, too.

So we're still gonna get
a regular shipment next week.

You take your cut,
plus a few extra cartons, okay?

I want you to trade 'em, not smoke 'em.

DINA: So where you going?

DEBBIE: Well, I have 45 bucks, Dina.

I can go anywhere I want.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SPRAYS)

Hi, I'd like to return these.

Oh, of course.
Do you have your receipt?

No, but they're unopened.
They haven't been touched.

I really need your receipt.

They are sealed. They are brand-new.

Do you have the credit card
that you used?

This is ridiculous!
I bought these last week.

Ma'am, you can try client services
on the sixth floor.

You know what? Never mind.
I'll just keep 'em.

Jesus.

Can I at least get a bag?

Sure.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm checking out of room 2814.
Gary Randall.

- Did you have a pleasant stay?
- Terrific.

Hey, my name is Monica.

Is there anything else I can do for you?
Or arrange transportation?

GARY: I think we're all set.

DEBBIE: Hi, this is Mrs. Randall.
We just checked out of room 2814.

- May I speak with Monica, please?
- This is she.

- Hi, Monica.
- Hi.

Hi.

Uh, we just found out
our flight was canceled.

- Oh, no!
- I know, I know.

And instead of staying
in some horrible airport hotel,

we were hoping that maybe we could get
our original room back?

Yeah, we can give you
that same room back.

That would be amazing.
Thank you so much.

Um, we're just gonna go grab a bite.

Would it be possible
to get the maid in there now?

MONICA: Yes, absolutely.

Perfect. We really appreciate it.

MONICA: It's not a problem.

Thank you so much. We'll see you soon.

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

Hi.

I'm so sorry. Can you finish up later?
I just have to get off my feet.

- Of course.
- Thank you so much.

- Have a great day.
- You, too!

Bye-bye.

(SIGHS)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

JUDGE JUDY: (ON TV)
And he did not move in!

And he wants his money back.

And he gets his money back.

If you said no, does that mean
you didn't take the money?

What crate are you on?

APRIL: Fifteen.

JUDGE JUDY: Listen.
You think I like you?

You think I believe you?

You think I trust anything
that you're saying?

The answer is absolutely not.

Guys, it's 9:30.

It's too much. It's too much.

It's three fingers from the top.

Not one, it's three.

It's a rerun, April.

She slept with her cousin,
crashed the car.

The baby's not his.

What's that taste like?

(EXHALES) Vodka.

Vodka. Exactly. But I don't want vodka.

I want vodka and water.

And do you wanna know why?

Uh, sure.

'Cause when you're drunk,
it tastes like vodka.

- Right.
- BOTH: Right.

I don't care!

(LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

LOU: Oh, missed you, too.

You better be in there.

(MAN COUGHING)

I know you're there, Reuben.

You can come on out.

I was just paying my respects.

From around the corner?

What are you doing here?

They thought I'd be the best one
to talk to you.

Hmm. Gotta go.

He didn't want you to do this, Deborah.

Do what?

Whatever it is he wouldn't tell us
you're gonna do.

- Look, Deb.
- Hmm.

Sometimes,
just knowing the job will work

is satisfaction enough.

You don't actually gotta do it.

What else did he say?

- He said it was brilliant.
- Oh, okay.

And that you would probably
end up back in prison.

I'm not gonna end up back in prison.

Okay?

(CAR HONKING)

I gotta go.

Be careful.

You're looking sharp.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

- LOU: Mmm!
- Hey, hey! Take it easy.

Been in the slammer.

Oh, I just thought
you changed your number.

DEBBIE: Did you get the credit line?

- Not yet.
- Why not?

Because I don't know what it's for.

(SIGHS) Oh, my God.

LOU: Don't do that.

- Do what?
- (SIGHS)

That would be my "I've just been in jail
for five years

"and my partner lets me down" face.

Hey, I'm not your partner. Yet.

DEBBIE: This is nice.
Chain-link, barb wire.

Brought you something.

Oh...

Um, can I exchange something you stole?

Well, if you're gonna have a problem
with stealing,

you're not gonna like
the rest of this conversation.

- What, we're gonna shoplift?
- Maybe.

No. See, this is what you do.

You make me guess and then,
I'm interested.

And then you think because
I'm interested, that I wanna do it.

Don't you wanna do things
you're interested in?

I'm interested in brain surgery.

Well, we know that's not gonna happen.

Whatever. You don't wanna tell me...
(SIGHS)

It's jewels.

Spectacular, great, big, blingy,
big old Liz Taylor jewels

that are locked in a vault
50 feet underground.

How do we get them out of the vault?

They're gonna bring 'em to us.

Oh, bugger!

DEBBIE: Well...

Nice place.

LOU: Try heating it.

There's a room for you upstairs.

Your stuff's upstairs, too.

You know, I borrowed some shit.
Figured you weren't using it.

CARA: So, is this your gallery?

Yeah, one of them.

Hmm. Where are the others?

Well, I'm opening one in London.
Got plans for another one in Tokyo.

We're talking about LA,
but I'm not sure that makes sense.

It's all a bit derivative
out there, you know?

(CHUCKLES) So this is the only one
that exists?

Well, physically.

Excuse me one second.

Sorry. Sorry.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.

I was meaning to call you.

Jesus, it's great to see you.
You look...

Recently incarcerated?

Wonderful. You look wonderful.

- (CLAUDE GRUNTS)
- Do you know what a shiv is?

Okay, stop. Just stop.

Oh, such a nice face.

You know, inside,

you're what we call a pretty girl.

- I'll call the police.
- Okay.

Do you know what we do with snitches?

LOU: He saw you?
DEBBIE: Oh, yeah.

LOU: Why would you do
something like that?

Closure?

Bullshit!

- Jesus!
- (CHUCKLES)

So did you...

No.

Just a little button.

(LAUGHING)

DEBBIE: So at first, I thought banks.
'Cause you know...

LOU: That's where they have money?

DEBBIE: Exactly.
But that's kind of boring.

So then I thought 10 banks.

Then I realized that would be maybe
coming from an angry place so...

- LOU: Good you realized that.
- Yes.

Then I couldn't even hear myself think.

You know, five women in one cell.

So I got myself thrown in solitary
for a little peace and quiet

and that's where
I finally came up with it.

- It's still a museum.
- So?

So, it's not like
robbing a liquor store.

(MUFFLED SPEAKING)

I'm sorry, I don't speak Ukrainian.

I said, "We're not robbing a museum."

- We're robbing someone in a museum.
- In a museum.

Yeah, you mentioned.

Look.

- Even if this was possible...
- It is possible.

Even if it was, we'd need, like,

20 people
and half a million dollars.

Seven.

Seven million?

Seven people and 20 grand.

Why do you need to do this?

Because it's what I'm good at.

Uh, yeah.

You know what?
I have run this thing 1,000 times.

Every time I got caught, I fixed it.

And in three years,
I wasn't getting caught anymore.

By the time I was paroled,
it was running like clockwork.

Perfectly.

And you were there with me,
every step of the way.

Oh, honey, is this a proposal?

Baby, I don't have a diamond yet.

Come on. Do you really wanna spend

the rest of your life
watering down well vodka?

Because it's really kind of a waste.

Come on. Take a bite.

Just take a bite.

- You're really irritating.
- Open.

That's good.

Very good.

DEBBIE: So each year they host
the biggest party in the world.

And they always get
a huge celebrity to host.

This year, it's Daphne Kluger.

- LOU: Wow.
- Yeah. But she's not our mark.

LOU: So who's the mark?

All right, who wants to go first?

Yes.

Do you know who you're wearing?

Uh, ooh...

La Perla. It's black.

(CHUCKLES) No,
I mean who's dressing you?

DAPHNE: I don't really know yet.

The designer.

I don't know yet.

But as soon as I do,

you'll be the very first person
that I tell.

- (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
- Uh, next question?

LOU: All right, we need a designer.
DEBBIE: Exactly!

LOU: Now a lot of these we could target.

But Anna won't approve them
and Anna has to approve everything.

DEBBIE: I know.

LOU: There's a few
less-established choices

but they're not gonna give us
the juice we need.

So...

DEBBIE: Rose Weil.
Why do I know that name?

She was big, in the '90s.

Oh, my God, all the Edwardian collars
and the ruffles.

Travesty. But Anna still likes her.

They do Easter together
every year in Kent.

- Brits?
- Irish.

And she owes the IRS $5 million.

LOU: It's bad.

There's a lien on her assets,
they've impounded her passport.

The bank seized her townhouse.

DEBBIE: She sounds amazing.

LOU: Yeah.

I think we got lucky.

She gambled everything on this.

DEBBIE: This is a flight to nowhere
without any peanuts.

LOU: Self-financed.
Credit from an Omaha bank.

Those guys over there?

The only ones
who'll still loan her money.

They look a little worried.

LOU: Yeah, who can blame them?
This is a train wreck.

(GAGGING)

Congratulations.

Who are you?

Big fans.

- Very big.
- Oh.

LOU: That was...
DEBBIE: Just...

- Gorgeous.
- Mm-hmm.

No, it wasn't.

It was a disaster.

I think you're being
kind of hard on yourself.

DEBBIE: Very.

Did you read this?

It's by a blogger.

Oh.

"Rose Weil.

"Her new collection is like taking
a tour of your grandmother's closet.

"Just as dated, and just as musty.

"The Eskimo shove their elders out
on an ice floe.

"Just saying."

That's very cruel.

But it doesn't make it true.

How did I get here?

You spent $18 million in two years

and had two houseboats on the Seine.

(SOBS) I'm old.

Hey, you're not old.

I'm old,

and I'm going to prison.

Then I'm going to be really,
really poor.

Not necessarily.

What if we could make all this go away?

Even get your passport back.

How?

Dress Daphne Kluger for the Met Ball.

LOU: Hmm.

Are you mad?

DEBBIE: Mmm-mmm.

ROSE: No, hang on a minute.

Are you journalists?

- Absolutely not.
- God, no.

Uh-uh.

ROSE: Mmm.

- She seems sort of tense.
- Can be.

Good body. Good boobs. Huge features.
Eyes like Bambi.

Yeah. She can take quite a lot.

Maybe we could give her...

Maybe we could give her this.

God, no. Not chic.
We can do better than that.

It's called the Toussaint.

Named for Jeanne Toussaint, Cartier's
director of jewelry from '33 to '68.

- It's over six pounds of diamonds.
- Right.

After she died,
they sold it back to Cartier

and they've kept it
in their vault ever since.

- They've never let it out.
- DEBBIE: Mm-hmm.

So then, how are we gonna get it out?

Well, they might let it out for her.

The theme of this year's ball
is European royalty,

(GASPS)

of which the crown jewels
are a featured element.

So, if you were to insist
on the Toussaint

on behalf of Daphne Kluger...

(WHISPERS) Must be worth
quite a lot.

DEBBIE: Yeah.

- These are all Russians.
- They're hackers.

Are there no hackers who aren't Russian?

No, there's barely any Russians
who aren't hackers.

- Just keep looking, please.
- Sure.

(AMITA SPEAKING HINDI)

(IN ENGLISH) Okay.

AMITA: Sorry about Danny.

Sorry about your pops.

So, what are you doing here?

I might have something for you.

A job.

You wanna run some stuff
through the store?

No, thank you.

A little more than that.

How long would it take you
to make seven pieces of jewelry

if the stones were already cut?

Probably five or six hours.

How long if I told you you didn't
have to live with your mother anymore?

Less.

I'm never taking the F-train again.

(LOU SHUSHING)

She's in.

DEBBIE: She is in where?

This what you talking about?
Bunch of vases.

LOU: Yeah, that's the Egyptian wing.

She's in the Met?

Security cameras.

There's a lot of 'em.

My name's Debbie.

- Nine Ball.
- What's your real name?

- Eight Ball.
- We use real names around here.

Could I talk to you for a minute?

I asked you to get me a hacker.

She is one of the best hackers
on the East Coast.

Oh, I'm honored...

She has other clients.
They don't know her real name either.

- I'm sorry, "other clients"? Now?
- Yeah.

Did you tell her what her cut was?

- Of course.
- And?

(WHISPERING) Look. She's smoking!

So, Nine Ball.

Uh, do I call you Nine Ball? Nine...

Or Baller.

Baller? Okay. Okay.

NINE BALL: Uh-oh.

You know your footprint
is a disaster, right?

- I'm sorry, what?
- Your footprint.

- My footprint?
- Yes, ma'am.

If you're planning to steal shit,
you definitely got to clean this up,

'cause right now,
my little sister could hack you.

Oh, right. 'Cause we had this guy...

- (BEEPING)
- (GENERATOR WHIRRING)

Gotcha.

We'll clean that up.

- Can I ask where we're going?
- You'll see in a minute.

Right, we're going
to meet Doris Kluger...

- LOU: Daphne.
- Daphne.

DEBBIE: Someone even more famous.

LOU: Someone who makes
Daphne Kluger jealous.

ROSE: Jealous?
LOU: Hmm.

DEBBIE: In a minute, we're gonna
stand up. She's gonna sit down.

You'll recognize her. Just be cool.

- LOU: Aloof.
- But kind.

- But not too kind.
- Yeah.

You're sweating.

- Yeah, look, I sweat.
- Don't.

On her left hand is a tattoo.
I want you to take it, admire it,

but make physical contact,
and that's when we'll get it.

"It"? What's "it"?

(NECK CRACKING)

Hi.

Wow.

Oh, I know you!

Yes, I know you. I've seen you.
I've seen you in things.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

- No, you're good. You're really good.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Yeah.

I just really wanted to say,
"Thank you."

Thank you?

For helping us
with the feline rescue project.

(CAMERA LENS ZOOMING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Penelope Stern? Is she even old enough
to go to the Met Ball?

Apparently.

(SCOFFS) Who cares
who's dressing her anyway?

Uh, I think Page Six.

I never met with Rose Weil.
You said I met with everybody.

- You said she was a relic.
- I meant iconic.

Do you want me to set up a meeting?

(MIMICS MOCKINGLY)

- Yes!
- Okay.

ROSE: I watched one
of her films last night.

She's actually really good.

LOU: Whatever you do, don't fawn.

DEBBIE: Just ignore her.
LOU: Indifference, it's an aphrodisiac.

DEBBIE: Very little eye contact.

Rose.

- Oh, Daphne. Ms. Kluger.
- Finally. (CHUCKLES)

So, thank you so much
for meeting me so last minute.

I am such an admirer of yours.
I have so many of your pieces.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So, this search... It has not been easy.

And everything we've seen,
you know, it's been great.

But it's been tired,

and you just...
You seem different.

You know, like
you're immune to judgment.

Like you're above all that.

I'm sorry, what?

What is going on?

- Uh... Oh.
- (PLATE CLANGS)

Sorry. Um, what were you saying?

I'm trying to hire you for the Met Ball.

Great. Thank you. My honor.

Flattered.

Wait till you see. This girl has some
of the best hands I've ever seen.

Is this one sane?

Hundred percent.

All right, here's how we're playing.
Red is money, okay?

Really? Three-card Monte?

Follow the Queen, live your dream.
But don't sleep. Don't sleep.

'Cause she might disappear,
you saw that?

It's lit, right? She came back, though.
She likes you.

All right, let's hit it.
And we're following the Queen.

And we're following the Queen.

Is this our only choice?

The turnover in pickpockets is huge.

Where she at? Where that bitch at?

Where she at?

That one.

Wanna call a lifeline on that one?

- No. That one.
- (TAPPING)

All right. That one is mine.

- Come on, there's no hard feelings.
- Yeah.

And you're a real one, you know?
You know what I mean?

Yeah, come back any time.

- Not bad.
- Yeah. I thought so.

Turkey and provolone, please.

So, I'm lifting one necklace.

LOU: It's a very nice necklace.
CONSTANCE: Uh, lettuce and tomato.

- And this is legit, the money?
- Hundred percent.

- Okay, I'm in.
- Great.

Uh, can I get my watch back, please?

Thank you. And hers as well.

No, I...

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

DEBBIE: Who do we have,
who do we have? Uh...

- What about Ivy?
- No, still in jail.

- Really?
- What about him?

- Well, he's a him.
- So?

Don't want a him.

Because it's a him
or because it's a "him"?

No, he's not a "him."

- I barely know the guy.
- What's wrong with a him?

A him gets noticed, a her gets ignored,
and for once, we wanna be ignored.

What about Tammy?

- (DOG BARKING)
- (BALL BOUNCING LOUDLY)

(BALL RUMBLING)

Hey, buddy, can you do me a favor?
Can you take that outside?

(BALL THUDDING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Debbie, I am with my family.
I told you...

DEBBIE: I'm outside.

- What?
- I'm in your garage.

(SIGHS)

- Deb?
- DEBBIE: Hmm?

Deb, what are you doing here?
I thought you were in jail.

Mmm, I got out.

Look at all this. Thought you retired?

I did.

Not as exciting as hijacking trucks

that are smuggling dishwashers
from Canada, right?

Yeah, well, I don't do that anymore.

- But you were so very good at it.
- Thank you.

Yeah. So these are all
for personal use, right?

- What do you want?
- Just wanna reconnect.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

- Reconnect?
- Mm-hmm.

You're not bored out here,
are you, Tam-Tam?

No, I'm not bored out here at all.

- Good, good.
- No.

- Why would you ask that?
- Because I need a fence.

I told you I don't do that anymore.
I'm out.

- It's a big job.
- I don't care.

Do you want me to tell you
how big a job it is?

No. No, I really don't.

I think I'm gonna tell you
how big the job is.

(WHISPERS)

- Are you kidding?
- No.

- Mommy, when's dinner ready?
- (GASPS) Shit!

Uh, sweetheart, I will be right there.
I'm so sorry. Mommy will be right there.

- But I'm hungry!
- (INAUDIBLE)

I know, sweetheart, I promise,
I will be right there.

- (WHISPERS) Thanks a lot.
- She sounds sweet.

(TAMMY SIGHS)

How do you explain all this
to your husband?

eBay.

LOU: Okay, everybody.
Let's get started.

We would like to present you all
with a hypothetical situation.

- How hypothetical?
- Not very, unless we screw up.

$16.5 million in each of your
bank accounts, five weeks from now.

- (ALL GASP)
- (NINE BALL WHISTLES)

In three and a half weeks,
the Met will be hosting its annual ball

celebrating its new costume exhibit,
and we are going to rob it.

Not the ball itself,

but a very important set of diamonds
that will be attending the ball.

LOU: On the neck of Daphne Kluger.

Who Rose will be dressing.

- The Toussaint?
- DEBBIE: Very good.

Once Daphne is inadvertently onboard,

we can then get the necklace
out of the Cartier vault,

hack the Met security system,
thank you, Nine Ball,

and infiltrate the Gala,

considered to be
one of the most exclusive...

The most exclusive.

The most exclusive party invitation
in America.

So go home, get your affairs in order,

because tomorrow, we begin pulling off

one of the biggest jewelry heists
in history.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to the big city.

- How long?
- Uh, not too long, I promise.

I'll be back before you know it.

What are you gonna do?

I am going to help my friend Debbie
with her job.

What kind of job?

- It's complicated.
- Can I come with you?

No, sweetie, this is Mommy's
very special work trip.

DEBBIE: It is my account,
it is my money,

and the only reason I can't access it

is because I cannot remember
the make and model

of my second cousin's first car.

So if you could just...
(INHALES DEEPLY)

I don't wanna make a withdrawal,
I would like to make a deposit.

Yes, I...

- Hey, can I...
- Shh.

Exactly, yes. Yes, I'll hold. What's up?

Oh, hey, I was wondering
if I can get a MetroCard,

'cause I'm skateboarding in
from Queens every day.

Can I get a MetroCard?

- I don't have a MetroCard.
- You don't have a MetroCard?

I don't have a MetroCard.

What are you, a tourist?

(CHUCKLES)

- You're fascinating.
- That's it?

You're gonna just throw me one dub
for a MetroCard? That's it?

How about this? We steal $50 million,

I'll buy everybody MetroCards.
How's that?

Okay.

- Is that your brother?
- Mm-hmm.

He's hot.

You sure he's dead or...

DEBBIE: No.

Yes, sweetie,
Mommy is in her new job now.

Charlie, will you do me a favor?
Can you put that right there?

What, sweetheart?

Uh, uh, well...

Mommy finds very special toys,
and then she finds new homes for them.

Yes, exactly like your turtle.
That is exactly right.

(WHISPERING) Thank you so much, Charlie,
thank you.

Sweetheart, I have to go.

I just got a brand-new toy for Debbie,
and I can't wait to play with it.

(WHIRRING)

Zirconium.

- I like it.
- Yeah, I bet you do. Unhand the man.

- Thank you very much.
- Okay.

Here are your very special glasses.

If Rose can pull this off,
and that is a very big "if,"

these glasses will
scan the real necklace

and send a digital print
back to us here.

Once we have that,

this thing will print
a replica of the necklace in zirconium.

- (WHISPERING) Where is it?
- These are not the Toussaint.

We thought you might
want to see these first.

Right. What for?

There are certain logistical problems
with that necklace.

We wouldn't even know how to insure it.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

All right.

(WHISPERING) "We were very clear
on the phone."

Yes. We were very clear on the phone.

We are only interested in the Toussaint.

Yeah.

Well, then, that would have to be
a much longer discussion.

That necklace is valued at
over $150 million.

Well, I'm not really a numbers person.

It would require its own security team,
a new insurance policy.

I'm sure you'll work out
all those details.

(SCOFFS) Oh, it's not that simple.

I'm afraid the answer is no.

No?

No.

Look, can I be frank?

I have always loved Cartier.

I think, historically, this has been
the most significant house in the world.

But there is a whole generation
out there who mispronounce your name.

French can be difficult.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oui.

(KEYS RATTLING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(ROSE INHALES SHARPLY)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(TYPING)

Stop it.

- Stop, that doesn't help. Stop.
- Okay, all right. All right.

Mmm.

(COUGHING)

We're too far underground.
Can't get a signal.

Very secure down here, huh?

Five feet of solid concrete.

You said you wanted to see it
in the light.

You wanted to see the necklace
in the light.

Right!

- This is light.
- ROSE: No.

No, she means real light.
Natural light, yes.

The red carpet happens
while the sun is still out.

- Yes, no, I'm afraid that's vital.
- It's vital.

Mmm. No, I must have the sun.

She must have the sun.

- How is this light, Ms. Weil?
- Um...

Yes, I think, yes, we have the sun.

Much better.

Hmm.

- There it is!
- All right.

Hello, sexy.

TAMMY: Come on, come on.

Ms. Weil. Is she okay?

- She's fine. She needs to take it in.
- ROSE: Hmm.

This is her process.

TAMMY: It looks really good.

- It's so clear.
- Yeah.

Come on.

No, okay. You gotta...

No. Yep.

If you are done, Ms. Weil,

- we'd like to...
- (GASPS)

Return this to the vault.

MAN: Ms. Weil?

Ms. Weil.

- ALL: Yes!
- (ALL WHOOPING)

I'm done.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Sweet.

Mmm-hmm.

(ROSE GASPS)

Oh, my God!

- Well?
- I don't know.

Well, you don't know
because this is only a muslin.

It's going to be pink, for a start.

I know it's going to be pink,
but I don't know.

Yeah, I feel like it's the waist.
I feel like it's just, like...

And then the bottom.
I don't know about the bottom.

ROSE: We can definitely change the hem.

- It's the necklace.
- Oh, no. It's not the necklace.

It is the necklace. It's just messy.

No, it's not messy.
It's messy 'cause it's safety pins.

No, you must remember the diamonds.

- It's gonna be diamonds.
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)

(HYPERVENTILATING)
I just feel like I look huge.

Daphne.

Hey, Daphne, come here.
Come here. Come here.

Listen, listen.
Deep breath... Deep breath.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

Listen, look.

You've got one of the greatest necks
in the world.

In fact, you've got the only neck
that could carry this necklace off.

(STAMMERING) With your neck,
this necklace...

You are gonna walk into that Met Gala

and you are gonna light up the sky.

Thank you.

(INHALES)

- You're welcome.
- (EXHALES)

If you like him, you go right,

and if you don't...

- I go left.
- Yeah, you go left.

Okay, that sounds easy.

- So do you like him?
- I like him a lot.

Okay, why?

AMITA: He looks kind.

I'm gonna swipe right.

CONSTANCE: Okay. All right.
AMITA: Oh, my God!

So does that mean...

CONSTANCE: He liked you back!
He likes you, too!

What happens now? What happens now?

- So you can message him.
- Okay.

And you can say,
maybe, the eggplant emoji

or maybe the girl that does this.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(COUGHING)

Excuse me.

Can you help me with something?
I think I'm a little lost.

Of course, ma'am.

I feel like I'm going in circles.
I came from Egypt back there

and I'm trying to get to Oceana.

It's a little confusing. You can go
down the stairs to your right

or you can go back where you came from,
right down there.

- Okay.
- It might take a little bit longer.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Excuse me, ma'am.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

REPORTER 1: (ON RADIO) Here's
one for your morning commute.

Last night, political artist Banksy
made a surprise contribution to the Met.

REPORTER 2: Our founding mothers
appeared at the Met last night.

REPORTER 3: Traffic at 15 after the hour.

REPORTER 4: Your news, all the time.

DAVID: This is a major security breach.

How is this even possible?

He did it at the Tate, too.

So you're saying the system
your company designed for our museum

does nothing to prevent someone
like Banksy...

Sir, we're a little more focused on

keeping things in
than keeping things out.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

- Stop.
- WOMAN: I know.

Hey! How about an "Excuse me"?

DAVID: Correct me if I'm wrong.

You and your company are responsible

for monitoring and safeguarding...

Hey, want me to get the trash?

What? No.

You sure?
'Cause you got a lot here, buddy.

Fine. Just hurry it up.

DAVID: The museum's agreement
with your father's company is very...

- Generous.
- Specific.

Have a nice night.

DAVID: The board expects
McCallister Security

to live up to
the letter of that agreement.

KYLE: (OVER COMMS)
We'll do a full audit of the system

and update any part of it
that needs to be changed.

DAVID: What does that mean?

KYLE: We'll go in and fix it.
DAVID: When?

KYLE: Immediately.

So, now that we've gotten them
to make changes to their system,

we can make changes, too,
and not be detected.

Can you pull up the cameras?

They've got
every inch of this place covered.

But here is not where
we're gonna hit it.

We are gonna do it in a spot
they don't even care about.

Nine Ball.

Now it's a New York State law that

no cameras can be mounted
in a public bathroom.

Apparently, it's a privacy violation.

Unless you're into that.

LOU: And once we get the Toussaint,

we are gonna have to get it out of there
without being detected

and they're gonna go over their security
footage with a fine-tooth comb,

and anyone seen exiting that bathroom

is gonna be a suspect.

So...

So we get a mule.

Somebody else is gonna move it for us.

How much space do you need outside
that bathroom to plant it on somebody?

I don't know. Nine feet?

And how long is it gonna take us
to build a nine-foot blind spot?

- Moving a camera?
- DEBBIE: Mm-hmm.

Bit by bit, 10, 12 days.

DEBBIE: Great.

How long did it take you
to figure all this out?

Mmm.

Five years, eight months, and 12 days.

Give or take.

TAMMY: Cartier has hired
the best private security in the world.

Guillermo DeVita led the pope's security
for 10 years.

And as you know,
they've never lost a pope.

Yuri Eshel, former Mossad

and IDF Special Forces,
elite commando unit.

I'm pretty sure they're assassins.

- Well, it's a nice necklace.
- Yeah.

So you can go ahead
and just add them to your list.

- What list?
- That list.

It's not a list.

(MUTTERS) Okay. Who is he?

Hey, boo.

(TYPING)

- Oh, Paul.
- (MOUSE CLICKS)

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

(DINGING)

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

- (GASPS)
- (MUSIC PLAYING)

You poor thing.

(CHUCKLING)

Look at that.

(GASPS)

Oh!

(LAUGHS)

KYLE: We don't even know if
it is Banksy. It could be an imitator.

(MOUSE CLICKING)

That's all you got?

(DEVICE BEEPING)

(MOUSE CLICKING)

Sweet.

(MOUSE CLICKING)

(MOUSE CLICKING)

RECEPTIONIST: Good afternoon. Vogue.

EADDY: Thank you for coming in
so last minute.

TAMMY: Oh, of course.
Thank you for having me.

I guess you heard,
we lost one of our coordinators.

Yes, and that sounded awful.

- Chiggers.
- I know.

- What are those, anyway?
- It's like a mite, I think.

It burrows into the skin
and lays its eggs inside.

And then they hatch
and they dig their way out.

Apparently, it can last for weeks.

Well, you certainly seem qualified.

Thank you.

Maybe overqualified.

Well, how can anyone be overqualified?

This is the Met Gala after all.

Gala. Met Gala.

- It's Gala.
- Gala.

Is it Gala?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Yeah.

COMMENTATOR: (ON VIDEO)
Roger Federer again one game away

from another championship.

The love for Federer in this place
is just incredible.

Anna.

Uh, yeah?

You have that interview
for the Met staff position.

- Do it, do it.
- Okay.

COMMENTATOR: You cannot be serious!
A backhand down-the-line win!

We're really short on desk space,
so you'll be down here.

This way.

- Okay, so here is your desk.
- Thank you.

- And Christina will get you started.
- Great. Thank you so much.

- Have a good day!
- Thanks!

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

Was that the bathroom that we passed?

Oh, yes, just down the hall.

Thank you.

(BEEPING)

AMITA: This is unbelievable.

CONSTANCE: That's Leo?

- Leo-Leo?
- There's only one Leo.

Oh, my God! Taylor Swift!

You're so white!

Can't we just go to this?
Do we have to steal stuff?

DEBBIE AND LOU: Yes!

- Where is she?
- Table four, 10 o'clock.

Straightest shot to the bathroom
without putting her in Siberia.

- There's a blank spot next to her.
- It's for her date.

Who's her date?

I don't know.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Hi.
- I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I've got the final guest list
for the Chairman's Dinner.

Oh, great.

- You have all their arrival times?
- All their arrival times,

including a few additional names
at the bottom.

(CHUCKLES) Claude Becker?

TAMMY: His publicist was into it.
I barely had to ask.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hello.

They put me next to you.

Oh, lucky me.

Hello.

Claude Becker.

Daphne Kluger.

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

(LAUGHS)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(WHISPERS) The ego has landed.

TAMMY: How did you ever fall for
this schmuck?

Seriously?

Lou and I were going through
a rough patch

and I really wanted
a big score of my own.

So he roped you in?

Mmm, not really.

- What, told you the truth?
- Mmm.

Only way to con a con, right?

ANNOUNCER: B1.

DEBBIE: Lou and I were rigging Bingo
and running cheap cons at Roulette.

Lucky if we made $1,000 a night.

- Bingo!
- WOMAN: Bingo call.

DEBBIE: So a friend of mine set me up
with this art dealer

and we worked out
a simple little hustle.

- Claude Becker?
- Right through there.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm Debbie.

- Claude Becker.
- Oh.

DEBBIE: When somebody
got interested in a piece,

I'd pose as another buyer
and drive up the price.

Money was good
and he was great in the kitchen.

Oh, my God, it's so good.

One day,

uh, he asked me to pose as the seller,
not the buyer.

TAMMY: What did you do?

(SIGHS) Well...

One signature, half a million dollars.

DEBBIE: He said it was simple.

I'd hand them the documents,
and they'd slide me a check.

The whole thing would take
a couple minutes, tops.

Sorry we're late.

MAN: Not at all.
WOMAN: It's okay.

MAN: Very nice to meet you.
WOMAN: It's a pleasure.

- It's a beautiful piece.
- Oh, we just love it!

DEBBIE: He was right.
It all happened very quickly.

MAN: You have a right to an attorney.
If you cannot afford an attorney...

CLAUDE: It wasn't my painting.
She brought the picture to me.

She had documentation, signatures.

And you two were dating?

What?

Not saying a word.

DETECTIVE MORRIS: Are you sure?

'Cause he's not being quite
as tight-lipped as you are.

Are these your signatures?

Yeah, I will testify.

I was defrauded too, right?

I'll be right outside.

(DOOR CLOSES)

LOU: Hey!

We need to talk.

You better tell me
this is not what I think it is.

- What?
- (EXHALES)

Claude Becker.

I didn't do that.

I'm not a croupier, okay?

Or a tourist with a bucket of quarters.

Don't con me.

You do not run a job in a job!

It's not going to matter.

We are going to get caught.

Stop it. We're not.

Why do you do this?

Why can't you just do a job?

Why does there always
have to be an asterisk?

You frame him, I walk.

Stop.

This is just like last time.

Lou. Lou!

Lou.

He sent me to jail.

You have no idea what that's like.

Yeah, well, he's gonna do it again.

No, he's not.

He's not.

Good. Switching cameras.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Walking towards the bathroom.

Okay, in the blind spot.

I'm gonna keep walking.

NINE BALL: Nothin'.

Nothin'.

Okay, you're right there.

(DEVICE BEEPS)

DEBBIE: Twelve feet. Nice job!

Thank you, Nine Ball.

That easy. Don't mention it.

What's hard?

- Hey.
- Oh, hi!

Sorry, listen, I know this
really isn't any of my business...

- No, go ahead.
- It's just a little red flag here.

But this caterer doesn't have
a nutritional specialist.

- Okay.
- And we're running at 20% special meals.

Vegan, gluten-free, low sodium, lactose.

I just... I had a client get sued.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I don't think we should wing any
of this stuff.

I think we are short a staff person.
We need a nutritionist.

TAMMY: I do know someone.
EADDY: You do?

TAMMY: Yeah, and she's great.
She just moved here from Australia.

DEBBIE: Yes.

CONSTANCE: Okay. Go.

DEBBIE: Vendor, hallway, hallway.
Past the auditorium.

Hallway, hallway, hallway, entry.

Hi, hi! I'm so sorry I'm late.
Traffic was horrible.

Okay...

- Amita.
- Thank you.

Constance.

Nine Ball.

And Lou.

And Rose.

Thank you.

- And Debbie.
- Thank you.

(EXHALES)

Hi, I'm Daphne Kluger,

and this is your sneak peek
of this year's Costume Institute.

This is Dolce
and that's Galliano for Dior.

- And that is McQueen.
- Wow.

- And who's dressing you tomorrow?
- Hmm. Rose Weil.

- Interesting.
- I know.

I kind of thought
it was an unexpected choice.

PAMELA: What's this over here?

So these are the crown jewels
from eight royal families of Europe.

Which is probably why there's a moat.

- PAMELA: So we can't go over there?
- No. God, no.

I wish we could. Anyway...

Uh, they are on loan to us from Dmitri

Very-Long-Russian-Last-Name
that I can't pronounce.

PAMELA: We hear those aren't
the only jewels that'll be on display.

- Who told you?
- I have sources.

(CHUCKLES) Well, since the cat's
already out of the bag...

Yes, I will be wearing a necklace that
Cartier has decided to loan me.

It's called the Toussaint,
and it has been in a vault for 50 years.

And I'm (CLICKS TONGUE)
just a little excited.

- Have you tried it on already?
- Maybe.

- How many carats is it?
- Enough.

(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hmm?

- Lipstick. What do you think?
- ROSE: Oh.

Pink. Um, yeah. Barbie.

In a good way.

Thank you.

- It's here.
- Right. Finally. Great.

All right.

- Oh, you haven't seen it.
- No. (CHUCKLES)

- Hello.
- Hello.

DAPHNE: Ooh. That's a big box.

ROSE: All right.

Holy crap!

Should we, uh...

- Let's try it on. See if it fits.
- DAPHNE: Okay. (GIGGLES)

- Can I, uh...
- Sure.

Whoa. (CHUCKLES)

That's heavy.

Really heavy.

Come to mama.

ROSE: All right. It might be a little...

Just a tad cold. Right.

(SHUDDERS) Ooh!

- (EXCLAIMS) Oh.
- All right. Okay.

- Oh, wow.
- Let me see. Right.

That goes in.

Look at you.

- Yep. There.
- (SIGHS)

- It fits.
- (SIGHS) Oh.

All right.

It fits.

Right, okay.

We can get it off,
and then we can try the frock.

- Okay.
- Um, hang on.

YURI: Oh!

Sorry, you cannot do it.

I have to do it.
It requires a special magnet.

- What?
- DAPHNE: Cool.

- Uh... Special magnet?
- YURI: Yes.

(CLICKS)

- ROSE: Oh.
- That's cool.

That's brilliant. Brilliant.

Amazing, um...

Can I just see that again,
out of interest?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

That's amazing.

Great. Let me just see.
So how does it work?

TAMMY: Hilda Schneider,
fashion reporter, Der Spiegel.

DEBBIE: No.

- Hilda Schneider, diplomatic attaché?
- No.

- Lufthansa asset?
- Lufthansa.

LOU: Problem.

- DEBBIE: With?
- From Rose.

TAMMY: Oh, God.

Come on!

ROSE: Oh, my God, that is amazing.
And you can only do it with a magnet?

- YURI: Only the magnet.
- Let me just see...

Stop. Play it again.

Oh, my God, that is amazing.
And you can only do it with a magnet?

- YURI: Only the magnet.
- Zoom in a little bit.

(WOMEN SIGHING IN ANNOYANCE)

(NINE BALL TAPPING NAILS ON DESK)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What, Leslie? I'm busy.

Leslie?

Hey, sis, um, we're in a bit of a jam
right now, and I need your help.

So it seems like they used
poly-magnets and a spring.

It gives you attraction and repulsion

in the same axis, you know?

- Not really.
- Well, they're drawn together.

But don't touch, until you rotate it,
and then they lock.

It's real dope.
I'll go get you a positive

and a negative pole in a loop.
That oughta work fine.

You're a little genius, sis. Thank you.

Really? She fixed it?

Really? You just asked me that?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Okay, you guys. Sound check.

- Nine Ball.
- Check.

- Debbie.
- Check.

- Constance.
- Yeah.

- Amita.
- Yep.

- Lou.
- Check.

(RAIN PATTERING)

That shit was hectic.
Got chased by a cop!

Okay, so this is my sister, everyone,
Veronica.

(WHISPERS) Check this out. Crazy.

Tight. All right.
I owe you one, you little shit.

Just get me a new ID.

Go home.

What do your parents do?

DEBBIE: Okay, we are up.
Is everybody on?

TAMMY: Yes.
NINE BALL: Mm-hmm.

All right, ladies. Half an hour.

Countdown starting now.

(EXHALES) Okay. First.
No need to be nervous.

The food is better on the inside
than most people think,

and even solitary

- can be kind of peaceful.
- (TOILET FLUSHING)

I just wanna say, thank you.

The last three weeks
have been amazing for me

and we've all worked very hard
for this moment.

So, whatever happens tonight,
I want you to remember one thing...

You are not doing this for me.

You are not doing this for you.

Somewhere out there
is an eight-year-old girl

lying in bed,
dreaming of being a criminal.

Let's do this for her.

Do not engage in informal conversation
with the guests, please.

Do not have your cell phone on you.

Please make sure your cell phone
is turned in to security

prior to the start of the event.

Very important.

Do not slouch, cross your arms,
put your hands in your pockets.

I know it's gonna be a long night.
I know you're gonna get tired...

- (PHOTOGRAPHERS CLAMORING)
- (CAMERAS CLICKING)

- Hello.
- Hello. How are you?

Edward, so good to see you.
Claude Becker.

- Pleasure.
- And, of course, Rose Weil.

- You two know each other?
- BOTH: Yes.

My dear, is that the Toussaint?

I'd say you look like a million bucks,
but it's more like 100 million.

Thank you, it's 150 million actually.
(CHUCKLING)

What inspired you for tonight's look?

Her.

(TYPING)

(MOUSE CLICKS)

EDWARD: Unreal. So what makes this
such a fun night?

COMMON: I mean, you never know
who you're gonna see.

It's like,
stars from all over the planet.

Meeting actors,
people in the fashion industry.

EDWARD: So, coming up next,
we have Serena Williams.

- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?

I'm good, thank you.

So, you've conquered the court,
you've conquered motherhood...

- I'm trying. (CHUCKLES)
- I mean, you are succeeding.

Sorry, we're a little backed up today.
Your name?

Uh, Hilda Schneider.

Oh, here it is. Have a good night.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)

- PHOTOGRAPHER: Here, Heidi! Heidi!
- (ALL CLAMORING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(LAUGHING)

Yes. Ready for tonight?

- Hi, how are you?
- Nice to see you! Fantastic.

Ready to sit.

- Hot sauce?
- Hot sauce.

(INAUDIBLE)

- You good?
- Yeah. I'll see you soon?

- (BANGING ON DOOR)
- Hey, no, we're closed.

We're closed.

MAN: Come on, dude. It's right there.

(WHIRRING)

TAMMY: (SOFTLY)
Yeah, I got her.

Yeah, I see her.

We're a go.

Hi, everybody.

- MAN: Hi.
- How are you?

Hi. Good to see you.

It's so good to see you.
You look amazing.

- You too. Cheers.
- Oh, yeah, cheers.

(GLASSES CLINKING)

No, no, these are real.

Thank you very much. So kind of you.

Okay, counting down.

Three, two, one.

Need a gluten-free
and a broiled fish for Table Eight.

Where's the vegan for Table Four?

WOMAN: Over here.

Go, go, go.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, thank God!

(SIGHS)

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

DAPHNE: I'm so hungry.

Mmm.

I haven't eaten anything in three days.
I'm just like...

I'm sorry.

Mmm.

Am I being rude?

She's in deep.

Maybe half a bowl.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

DAPHNE: So, you're supposed to curtsy.

They actually have a guy there
to teach you how to curtsy.

Yes, that's true.

Anyway, I go in,
I'm doing this little knee bend.

And the Queen glares at me and says,
"That's not a curtsy."

- (CHUCKLES)
- Really?

So now, I am in a curtsy standoff
with the Queen of England.

And...

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Do you need to go to the bathroom?
- No.

- I'm fine.
- Are you sure?

I'm at this curtsy standoff
with Queen... (BREATHES HEAVILY)

- And she's... (GASPS)
- Are you okay? Do you need help?

I'm fine. Just give me one second,
hold on. I just need to get this...

- (RETCHES)
- CLAUDE: You all right?

Game on!

(VOMITS)

- (SPEAKING GERMAN)
- Excuse me, we need to...

(RETCHES)

That's good.

Okay, you're right on
the edge of the blind spot.

(DAPHNE GROANING)

Hey, you all right?

You good? Oh, you poor thing.

It's okay. You'll be okay.
Breathe, breathe.

- Breathe. Breathe.
- (GASPING)

- Breathe.
- (CLICKS)

(RETCHES, COUGHING)

Okay, 10 seconds.

Here we go.

Hey, come here.

This can't be here.

You need to get this
into the kitchen right away.

- No problem.
- Okay, go. Go, go.

Coming at you, Deb.

Okay, here he comes.

Oh.

NINE BALL: Okay, my mule is out.

All my ladies still in the dark.

- Dude. Dude.
- Yo.

- You have it?
- Have what?

Oh, I smoked it.

What do you mean, "smoked it"?

You know, Josh asked,
and he was like, "Hey, do you have..."

Guys, where is he? What's wrong?

What's happening?

Stalled in the hallway. Chitchattin'.

DEBBIE: Tammy, you got
to get him moving now.

I'm putting the soup down, I'm like...

Hey! Hey, what the hell
are you guys doing?

You're not getting paid to talk.

- Let's go, come on.
- Yeah, sorry.

AMITA: Here, I'll take those.
I'll take those.

Thanks.

Bathroom break. Bathroom break!.

That was intense.

What?

I don't know.
It could've fallen off in there.

It could've fallen off back there.
I'm not sure.

I was just barfing my guts out.

I was back at the table the whole time.

Seal the exits.

What? No. Do we have to make
such a big deal about this? Come on.

- You better lock it up.
- Oh, come on!

- YURI: We need to clear the room.
- You can't do that.

We need to do a full sweep.

We can't.

Do you know who's here?

You just lost $150 million.

What would you do
if it was a Rembrandt missing, hmm?

Dinner will resume shortly, I promise!

Thank you so much
for your understanding.

Just walk towards the stairs.

Sealin' the exits.

Gentlemen,
we're working in teams of two.

We start at the perimeter
and work our way in.

Once you've been scanned

please go directly to the exit.

There will be someone there
that will show you where to go.

OLIVIA MUNN: Do you know
what's going on here?

An item seems to have been lost.

They're looking for it now.

- Do you know what they lost?
- Diamonds.

Lots of diamonds.

Diamonds? Really?
We're waiting around for diamonds?

Sir, I really just need to go
to the bathroom.

(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)

Okay, shit's blowing up.

Police coming, Cartier coming.

A bunch of news people coming.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're doing it.

They're about halfway through.

YURI: Was there anything you did
or anyone you talked to

between your table and the bathroom?

I was rather preoccupied at the time,
in case you didn't notice.

Amita, there's a guy in the kitchen.

AMITA: Just give it a few more minutes.

We don't have a few minutes.

Oh, shit!

NINE BALL: He's right there.

DEBBIE: Tammy, how close?
Where are you now?

TAMMY: By the moat.

Tammy, pull it out of the water.

Just plant it in the water!
Just pull it out, right now!

Found it!

- (DAPHNE GASPS)
- It was in the water.

It must have fallen off
while you were running.

May I?

We got it back.

Okay. I'll come back down.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Constance, you good.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Whoa, sick!

AMITA: Uh-uh. There's glue,
there's glue, there's glue!

CLAUDE: Feeling better?

I do now.

Couple Scotches, please.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Dear God!

(CARS HONKING)

Thank you.

Oh.

Very nice.

First of all,

I'm not a member of law enforcement.
I work with the insurance carrier.

Which means I'm either looking for fraud
or I'm looking for the real necklace.

Beyond that, I couldn't care less.

I'm afraid you won't find either here.

We'll see about that, Monsieur...

- Monsieur?
- Delarue-Broussard.

Okay.

Lawrence, when did you last see

what you believe
to be the authentic item?

When it left here for the Met Gala.

JOHN: When did you know this was a fake?

The moment it was returned.

JOHN: And you two.

You had your eyes on the necklace
the entire evening?

Apart from when Ms. Kluger had

her unfortunate incident
in the public toilet.

That's correct.

Did you accompany her inside?

It's a women's bathroom.

It's a very big necklace.

There is only one entrance in and out.

We were stationed at the door.

Did you check the plumbing?

- No.
- I did.

Okay, keep going forward.

Squeaky clean, so to speak.

(SIGHS)

Whoever stole this necklace...

Managed to get out
without being detected.

Which means we're looking
for someone very smart.

Gentlemen.

I've seen a thoroughbred racehorse
thrown into a tree shredder.

People will go to great lengths
to defraud an insurance carrier.

There! What's this?

I'm saying that's not a blind spot.

- What do you call that then?
- The bathroom.

I don't see a bathroom.

- That's...
- Because it's in the blind spot.

(SIGHS) What can someone steal
from a bathroom anyway?

I don't know, toiletries,

mints, hand towels,

a six-pound diamond necklace,
apparently.

- Now, who's this?
- (CLICKS)

The busboy?

Do you know him?

How would I know a busboy?

Aren't we posh?

I don't know everyone who goes
in and out of the museum.

Why do you care about a busboy?

He's the only person who moves
in and out of the blind spot

during the period in question.

Could you please
stop calling it a blind spot?

Fine.

The bathroom door that we can't see

because of your unique camera placement.

This is the most sophisticated
museum security in the world.

Every piece of art is recorded
from multiple angles.

We just don't happen to keep art
in the bathroom.

I'm not a critic, Kyle.

I'm an insurance investigator.

I didn't wanna do it.

But Eric's all, like, "Come on!"

I'm, like,
"Dude, I don't do that anymore."

He's, like,
"Everyone's out on the loading dock!"

I know it was really stupid.

I know I'm an asshole

but it wasn't even my weed.

I'm sorry, what?

It wasn't my weed! Do you want me
to pee in a cup or something?

No, that won't be necessary.

- Are you sure? I really don't mind.
- I'm positive.

They put the necklace on me.

Then I walked the red carpet.

Then I saw the exhibit.

Then I ate my soup.

Then I hurled my guts out.

Then the necklace was gone.

And then everybody freaked out.

And then they found it again, I thought.

But, no?

This gentleman.

- Claude Becker.
- Mm-hmm.

He was my date.

Was there ever a time you two were alone
while you were wearing the necklace?

(MOANING)

No.

Anyone present with you in the bathroom?

My head was in a toilet bowl.

How 'bout after?

A lot of people.

Do you know this woman?

- No.
- Debbie Ocean, convicted felon.

Her brother, Danny Ocean,

more convicted felon.

She was present on
the night of the incident.

Did she steal the necklace?

Apparently not,
she's the only one with an alibi.

Smiling at the camera the entire time.

Ooh, so...

So, I have five innocent people
who seem to be suspects

and someone who should be a suspect
but isn't.

I have cameras

covering every inch of the museum

except for the loo,

where $150 million was stolen
from that neck, your neck.

- Interesting case.
- Mmm.

Some days, I love my job.

I love my job, too.

- (FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(TAMMY LAUGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

You guys are fucked.

Nice place.

It must be a bitch to heat.

Excuse me! You are trespassing.

No. We asked her to come.

TAMMY: You asked her to come?

Oh.

We realized a few days ago
that Ms. Kluger...

Was not a total fricking idiot.

Might have gotten a sense
of what we were doing.

(CLICKS)

You've got one of the greatest necks
in the world.

DAPHNE: First of all,
if there's one thing

I know, it's bad acting.

In fact, you've got the only neck
that could carry this necklace off.

DAPHNE: And I almost never throw up.

- (RETCHES)
- Even when I'm really wasted.

It was in the water. It must have
fallen off while you were running.

DAPHNE: And last but not least,

I never forget a face.

JOHN: Debbie Ocean.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, seems to me,
eight shares of 150 million

is better than
seven shares of nothing, right?

Chilly!

Hi, Daph! Welcome to the team!
Let's not all high-five at once.

Plus, I am the one
who is saving your asses

- from insurance fraud.
- What?

- Insurance fraud?
- I was gonna get to that.

When?

It seems that they've assigned
an insurance investigator...

Who's about to look up your ass
with a flashlight.

- Who?
- Oh, this little Columbo dude,

everything but the trench coat.
Totally on to you.

His name is John Frazier.

- AMITA: You know him?
- Yes.

He busted my father twice
and my brother once.

- He's family.
- ROSE: All right. Lest we forget,

this entire enterprise
was to keep me out of jail.

Hey. No one's going to jail.

- CONSTANCE: Are you sure?
- We expected this.

We prepared for this.

Yup, that's clear.

We will not be the prime suspect.

Okay, who will be the prime suspect?

Well, there's a few.
We've got the security guys,

- we've got the busboys...
- The shady guy who put you away.

DAPHNE: Wow! (LAUGHS)

(GASPS) The boyfriend.

DEBBIE: Yup. They were gonna be
looking for somebody.

Just had to make sure
it wasn't one of us.

It's nice.

Thanks.

That is amazing! The precision...

Right?

It's always the attention to detail
and the little grace notes

that really make something sing.

Why are you doing this?

DAPHNE: Uh...

I don't have that many close
female friendships.

And book clubs are the worst.

So, I just thought, you know...

This could be something fun to share.

You're becoming a criminal
because you're lonely?

Who isn't sometimes, right?

Are you an only child?

DEBBIE: Midsummer Night's Dream
in Miami?

TAMMY: It's Shakespeare.

She did summer stock at Williamstown,

plus a bunch of off-Broadway.

What about this one? She looks good.

Let's see. Regional theater

but she trained at Juilliard.

It's really a magnificent piece.
This was your mother's?

Left to me after her passing.

A Swedish prince gave it to her

in exchange for her deflowering.
(CHUCKLES)

Are they worth something?

- Yes, they're worth quite a lot.
- Oh.

"Take these," my mother said. "Now, go."

It was moonlight...

And then he said,

"I'd give you every star in that sky."

I'm sorry. (CRYING)

It must be difficult for you.

(SNIFFLES)

- Claude Becker?
- Yeah.

- John Frazier.
- Hi.

SPD Insurance. How are you?

So, Claude...

Like Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Isn't it?

What do you want?

Here are some photographs of you
with Ms. Kluger.

Now, as you can see,
there are many photographs

where your hand
is on the back of her neck.

I don't really remember
where my hands were.

Ah...

To be you.

Right?

Problem is...

The necklace has been stolen
and a fake has been put in its place.

Right now, you're the person
with the greatest opportunity...

Why would I wanna steal a necklace?

That's what I keep asking myself.

Why would this guy...

Who's got everything...

Two of these.

Why would that guy
wanna steal a necklace?

And what was your answer?

Maybe he doesn't have everything.

I think we're done here.

- Just a theory.
- Really.

- A shot in the dark.
- We're done.

I'm probably wrong.

It's a beautiful piece,
and I want you to have it.

I can't go any lower.
Just hold on one second.

Hello?

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

What are you doing right now?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

DEBBIE: Hello, John.

Hello, Debbie.

You look well, how long's it been?

A few years. Minus good behavior.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Thank you for calling.
I was gonna call you.

- Yeah, I didn't do it.
- Of course not.

You were just on camera 20 feet away
while the jewels were being nicked.

It's a coincidence.

No. That's a solid alibi.

What is it? Is it genetic?
Are the whole family like this?

Except for my Aunt Ida.

- Librarian?
- Mmm. Homemaker.

Right, I'm gonna make this easy for you.
I don't want you.

I just want the necklace.

I don't care.
I'll say I found it in a cab.

How about some of it?

- How much?
- Hypothetically, 10%.

And where's the hypothetical rest?

Oh, I don't know. Literally.

Oh, God. This is exhausting!

I mean, when they said come over,
I was like... Ugh...

You know, with the jet lag,
the time difference.

Arsenal in the Cup Final this weekend.

But now I'm here.
It's bloody interesting.

Yeah?

So, it's not just profit, it's revenge.
It's a twofer.

He frames you, you frame him,
scores are settled.

I'm just the courier.

All is right with the world,
it's brilliant.

Just trying to help out an old friend.

You know, one day,
you are gonna have to let this go?

And one day, I will.

Let's just say, for argument's sake,

that I do know where
there's a part of that necklace.

Can you get a search warrant?

(SIGHS) I'd need probable cause.

Well, we may or may not be
working on that right now.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you wanna play a game?

What kind of game?

A card game.

- Uh...
- Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh.
- Yes, yes!

(HANDCUFF CLINKING)

I'll be right back.

- Where are you going?
- (GIGGLES)

Wait.

(CHUCKLES)

CLAUDE: Where are you?

I'll be right there.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(GROANS)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

(BUZZING CONTINUES)

(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

You have no idea how this
came to be in your possession?

No.

But you were Ms. Kluger's date the night
these necklaces were switched.

Yes, I was.

Does that strike you
as a rather large coincidence?

Including a 33.18, D color,
internally flawless diamond...

DETECTIVE: Are you familiar
with a company called

Becker Holdings, LLC?

CLAUDE: Of course.

DETECTIVE: Well, it seems
four sweet old ladies,

who apparently don't exist,

have recently transferred
some very large sums of money

into Becker Holdings, LLC.

Do you know how that
might have happened, Mr. Becker?

I think I need to talk to my lawyer.

I think you do.

- To our dear friend Carl...
- ALL: Claude.

Claude Becker.
May he rest in peace in prison.

ALL: Cheers.
ROSE: Love you, love you, love you.

- LOU: Cheers.
- Cheers.

I have a question.

So...

It's good that he went to jail,
'cause it's great that we didn't.

But if you only sold the jewels
for 85 million,

how does it work out
that we get 16 apiece?

Do you wanna?

You thought we were just gonna steal
one necklace?

What do you think we are,
a bunch of pussies?

DEBBIE: See, while everyone
was worried about

what was happening around your neck...

LOU: And you were hurling
your guts out...

Thanks for that, by the way.

It was amazing.

- That was really impressive.
- (ALL AGREEING)

That was really nice, actually.

DEBBIE: The place
kinda went on lockdown.

LOU: The kitchen was cleared out, too.

And while everyone
was watching the entrance,

we thought we'd check out the exhibit.

Because why would you
just steal one necklace,

- when you could steal more?
- (ALL GASP)

Holy shit!

- That's a lot.
- Yeah.

We didn't just print the Toussaint
from that thing.

We printed a lot ofjewels.

AMITA: Felt like I was working
at Kinko's.

LOU: Meanwhile...

I decided to visit an old friend.

(GREETING IN MANDARIN)

LOU: Amazon sells
these 20-foot selfie sticks.

All they saw was a quick, little blur.

(YEN AND LOU SPEAKING MANDARIN)

LOU: It was a temporary exhibit

and they built this metal grid
to hang the dresses from.

DEBBIE: We just decided to suspend
Yen from that as well.

What if somebody came in?

Oh, somebody did.

I'm sorry, ma'am, you can't be here.
We're clearing this whole area.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

- GUARD: Ma'am.
- (CONTINUES SPEAKING GERMAN)

Calm down.

(OVERLAPPING ARGUING)

(IN ENGLISH) We're okay.

DEBBIE: Stealing the necklace was great,

but without that diversion,
without clearing out the exhibit...

LOU: We wouldn't have been
able to grab these.

DEBBIE: These...

Which bring your cuts
to $38,300,000 each.

- AMITA: Huh?
- Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

(TRAIN RUMBLING)

Yeah.

Yeah, I know. It's so beautiful.
(LAUGHS)

Sweetie, I know, but you can't put gum
in your sister's hair.

I don't care if she tried to put it
in your nose first.

What's up, YouTube? It's your girl!
Check out my new crib.

I'm on the co-op board.

DAPHNE: Cut!
WOMAN: That's a cut!

That's a cut!

Resetting back to one.

Uh, just, you know... Smoother.

Just a little bit of space, please.
It was perfect.

I just need it faster and more damaged.
All right? Great.

(WHISPERING) It's not that hard!

(ENGINE REVVING)

You would've loved it.

- Extracted from retail by hadilan.
- Colored HI and improvements by GoldBerg_44