All language subtitles for Lovengelshere is (1996)

Once upon a time,

about 3 months ago on a Tuesday,

this thing happened

in a peaceful,
tucked-away part of the Bronx

called City Island,

a place that's many things.

To the sailor, it's sailing.

To the fisherman, it's fishing.

To the soul searcher,
it's soul searching.

That's me!
Mona Barcavella, psychic herbalist.

I'm doing my dance to conjure
up a good summer tourist trade,

but because City Island is
home to Italian Americans,

to them, it's eating.

Here food is king,
and no place was more beloved

than the Prince Rosario
House of Cappamezza

gourmet catering and
original wedding designs,

ruled by Sadie and
Mike Cappamezza...

More hot pepper!

Whose Sicilian cooking
was known for hot colors,

spicy sauces,

and jumbo portions.

Then one day,
there opened across the bay

the Royal House of
Malacici of Florence,

continental caterers
and wedding couturiers,

owned by real blue
bloods from Italy,

Count and Contessa Malacici,

and they brought City Islanders
their northern Italian cuisine.

Dainty, low-fat portions,

pastel colors,

subtle flavors.

Ah, questo perfetto!

It was inevitable

between the 2 families
there would be bad blood.

Shakespeare once said, "Hey!
What's in a name?"

But he was wrong

because Cappamezza
means "half a head"

and Malacici means "bad beans."

The story begins fourth of July

when our local church

was about to put on

its annual amateur benefit...

What if her eyes were there,

they in her head?

The brightness of her cheek
would shame those stars.

O, that I were a
glove upon that hand,

that I might touch that cheek.

Which brings us to our heroine,

my best customer,
Sadie Cappamezza...

Ah, me.

You give me so much
more than Isabel Fasuli.

I mean, she weighs 50
pounds more than me.

How can I believe that's Juliet?

Well, you got to make
believe you love her, too.

And the joy of her life,
Rosario Cappamezza,

the prince of the Prince
Rosario House of Cappamezza

gourmet catering and
original wedding designs.

Rudy, give me a break!

I'm giving you 2/3 off, Sadie.

Yeah?
Well, it's still not enough.

Oh, give it to her for cost.

Mary, the food is for
the church benefit.

I want a better price than cost.

Better than cost?
We should take a loss?

Come on, Rudy.

When you give to God,

you get a huge tax deduction.

All right, half cost.

Now you're only
halfway to Heaven.

Go to hell.

All right,
you get it for nothing.

Here's $10 for the church.

Good morning, Dr. Rondino.

Good morning, Mrs. Rondino.

Good morning.

I break both arms.

My son, the dottore,
he fix them.

I never saw anyone
so accidental-prone

like Mrs. Rondino.

Her son is the most
eligible doctor

in the neighborhood,

but her broken bones
keeps him home.

Even Mother Teresa would
call a mother like that

a bossy scuccamend.

You know, Mrs.
Rondino is not as dumb as she looks.

Married sons,
they turn on their mothers now because

daughter-in-laws,
nothing is sacred to them anymore.

Johnny, my son Johnny,

he married this Mamarel Louise.

Sweet girl.

Sweet? I said to her one day,

"would you mind carrying my
groceries, please?"

You know what she said to me?

"Carry your own friggin'
bags, bitch."

Oh, my God.

Ah, and I look over
at my son Johnny,

and he's looking
at her like this.

My Rosario, he would never
ever treat me like that

when he's old enough
to get married.

So you taking anybody

to the charity ball

after the show?

I'm helping pop with the pasta.

How about I call Angela
Mercandante for you?

Ma, don't start with me.

What about I mention you to
Cathy Augustino's mother,

and she could--

watch out! Ma!

Idiot! You cut me off!

We're going to put
you out of business,

you Sicilian swamp Guinea!

Hey, I got the right of way!

And you're going to
put your sister's ass

out of business,
you Florentine mountain Wop!

Rosario!

I'm sorry I cursed, ma,

but if these Malacicis
think they're so good,

how come they didn't
stay in Italy?

Rosario,
forget about the Malacicis.

You just think about
playing Romeo tonight,

that you're going to be
even better this year

than you was last
year as Pinocchio.

Hmm?

Mona!

Hi!

This Malacici crisis
is making me crazy.

We're in debt up to
here from expanding,

and we may lose the fredericos,

the biggest wedding
of the season,

to these intruders!

I brought sfogliatelle.

Ooh! My favorite!

I don't know if my
business can handle

this kind of
competition, you know?

Mm-hmm.

I haven't lost one
pound on my new diet.

Uh-huh.

And my husband,

he hasn't made love
to me in weeks.

Uh-huh.

Well, what am I going to
do, Mona?

Is there another woman?

Blessed Roscoe says...

He sees your
business prospering.

The blessed Roscoe says...

Keep looking at the sunny side.

Oh, good. Good.

Who's the blessed Roscoe?

My new guide.

What happened to the Angel Vito?

His work was done
on City Island.

He moved on to another
psychic named Shirley Ballucas

in Bayonne, New Jersey.

But the blessed Roscoe
is a powerful presence!

In the 17th century,

when his eyes were gouged
and his fingers chopped off

and he was burnt at the stake,

he smiled and said,
"don't feel guilty."

That's why he's known
as the merry martyr.

You tell him I'm really
pleased to meet him.

The blessed Roscoe
knows youse are.

Here.

Wear this Rose oil when
you're meeting customers.

The money will come floating in.

About your diet,

maybe you're having trouble
because you're afraid,

like I am,
that every man wants me sexually.

About your husband...

Yeah?

The blessed Roscoe says

there's no other
woman in his life.

And who's Fidella?

Oh, that's our cat.

He plays with her a lot.

Oh, that will taper off.

Here.

Burn these in your bedroom,

and he'll want lust from you.

The blessed Roscoe says it
will be heartfelt but quick.

Look, it's a start.

About Rosario...

Mmm...

I'm smelling a little problem...

But a deep one.

Oh, no.

Yes. I'm smelling him
falling in love with a girl

he's saying poetry to.
Uh-huh. That's her.

He's playing Romeo tonight,

but it couldn't be
with this Juliet.

Here. Smell for yourself.

I'm smelling him
loving so passionately,

nothing stands in his way.

This girl playing
Juliet--Isabel Fasuli--

she's... She's a Scuccamend!

And we're catering her wedding.

She's marrying
Vinny Baldilamente.

Blessed Roscoe?

Blessed Roscoe agrees.

I--I never thought I'd
lose him this soon.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

The meats don't go
in the sauce yet!

That's stupid!

Any dummy will tell you
they're ready for the sauce!

I catch you messing
with my sauce again

behind my back,

I'm going to kick you
out of the kitchen!

You're going to kick your sauce

out of the kitchen!

Hey! What's going on here?

Look at my meat.

Is it ready for the sauce yet?

No. You got to get out more fat.

You're crazy! As crazy as him.

Ma, put your tooth back in.

I can't remember where I put it.

And don't call us crazy no more.

I always call you crazy.
It never bothered you before.

It always bothered me.

It bothers you, too?

Of course!

Well,
you should have told me sooner.

I'm too old to change now.

Mikey...

I got to talk to you in private.

Can we go up to the house?

Sure.

Rocco, stay with the sauce.

She tries anything funny,

you throw yourself
in front of the pot.

Mike, will you promise me that
if I tell you this problem,

you ain't gonna make fun of me?

I promise.

You know that I'm psychic.

Yeah?

And so is my friend Mona.

Mona the nut?

Mona is not a nut.

She's a clairvoyant
for a living,

and the blessed
Roscoe told Mona...

That Rosario is
going to fall in love

and give up everything
for his Juliet.

Every week,
Mona's got a different

Saint or angel that
nobody ever heard of

who speaks only to her.

How can you believe this stuff?

Because Mona helps me find
the invisible forces here.

It helps me discover what
I'm doing here on earth.

I discussed it in my prayers
with the Holy Mother,

and she said it was ok with her.

You want me to ask her again?

I'm going to ask her again.

Dear Holy Mother-- no, no, no.

Look,
don't bother the Holy Mother

with something like this.

Look, uh... I'm a little tired.

I want to take a nap.

You want to take a nap with me?

Nap?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ok. I'll be right back.

I got Fidella in the middle

so you can hold her, too.

As is a winged
messenger of Heaven

into the white-upturned
wandering eyes,

the lazy-pacing clouds and sails

upon the bosom of the air...

Of mortals that fall
back to gaze on him

when he bestrides the
lazy, puffing clouds.

O Romeo!

Romeo!

Whereforth art thou Romeo?

Deny thy father!

And refuse thy na-a-a...

Ohh! Oh!

I hope I didn't do that
with my negative thoughts.

Are you all right, Isabel?

I can't move my leg!

Rosario, go get Dr. Rondino.

Tell him to come right over.

How did this
happen, Miss DeLuca?

I seen the whole
episode, Monsignor.

She overacted with the foot

and tumbled down
like a wounded rhino.

Forsooth.

Don't call me no
rhino, zits breath.

How am I supposed to
get married tomorrow?

I hate this stupid play!

I told you the balcony
was made of plywood.

Why did you stamp your foot?

I should have harnessed her

to the wall, Dr. Rondino.

Oh, no, no.
It wouldn't have helped, Miss DeLuca.

It's not broken.

No. You just stay
off it for 24 hours,

and you'll be marching
down the aisle.

All right, boys,
help her out to my car.

We've got to get you home
and get that leg iced.

What a buffalo!

Shut up, you shithead!

24 hours!

I guess we'll have to

have the understudy play Juliet.

Understudy?

Oh, Nicco--where is
Niccolina Sousto?

Niccolina, where are you going?

I don't know the whole part.

I'll whisper the words
to you off the stage.

Please, father,
don't make me do this.

Niccolina,

you only have to do your best.

Aah!

Ok, Niccolina,

we'll try to find somebody else

to play the part.

I know the part, Miss DeLuca.
I always wanted to play it.

No, no, no, Francis!

You're too good as the nurse,

and it would be too
hard to replace you.

Isn't that right, Monsignor?

What else can we do, Sadie?

We're sold out.

We'll have to give refunds.

Why don't we call all
the dramatic schools,

and we'll find some
really nice girl

who can read the
part from the script?

This is a very good idea, Sadie.

But let's make sure that
all the girls send over

their most recent photographs

with their hobbies,
their future ambitions,

and their religious attitudes.

Why do I have to be here?

This may be the girl

we have to spend the
rest of our lives with.

You can stop calling.

This couple just came in

and made a donation,

and then they told me

their daughter played that part.

She'll play Juliet
to your son's Romeo.

You look familiar.

Is possible.

Mr. and Mrs. Cappamezza,

meet Count and
Contessa Malacici.

Pleasure.

Ciao.

Ciao.

Monsignore.

Monsignore.

Look, Sadie, it's...
It's just for one night,

so let's not make a big
thing out of it, ok?

Ok, Sadie? Sadie?

Feel better?

A little.

There must be a way

I can turn around what Mona
said is going to happen.

Look...

You think I want Rosario
to ejaculate himself

out of this family prematurely?

But, Sadie, did anything

Mona ever tell you
would happen happen?

Practically everything.

How come she told you that we're

going to be rich,
and we're in debt...

That your mother was
going to move out,

and she just asked us
for a new mattress...

That your friend Sally
was going to have

the best year of her life,

and she died? How come?

Oh, ye of little faith.

Once we raise enough money
to franchise our sauces

and our wedding creations,
we are going to be rich.

And my mother
still may move out,

and she'll take her
new mattress with her.

My girlfriend Sally,
she could be having

her best year ever
right now in Heaven.

Ma! Pop! I just heard
about the Malacici girl.

Pop, could you imagine them
asking me to play Romeo

opposite the daughter
of that Florentine?

Every bone in my body tells
me I should quit right now

and forget about it.

Oh, honey,
if you feel like that--

but the show must go on.

Miss DeLuca wants me to go

introduce myself
before rehearsal.

I'm going to go with you!

What for?

It will give me

a chance to see their operation.

But I got to go home first
and change into something

a little more apropos.

Mmm! Mozzarella.

Delizioso.

God almighty!
Get a load of this place!

I mean, these people
wouldn't know a hot sausage

if they fell over one.

Makes me sick to go in there.

Maybe--ow!

Are you all right, ma?

Oh, do I have a bump?

Here. Let me see.

Nah. It's all right, ma.

Ha! This Romeo is a mama's boy.

What masculine boy
kisses a mother

on the eye after 3 years old?

Hi. I'm Rosario Cappamezza.

Si.

This is my--

yes. We have met at the church.

Uh...um, I thought I would

chaperone the
children to rehearsal

because I wanted to be
socially au courant,

and, uh, because I'm the mother.

Uh, ahem.

Please come in.

Oh...beautiful.

Uh, Gina just returned
from her boarding school,

and she's taking
her beauty bath.

Please to sit down, eh?

Ahem.

Uh, may we offer you
some refreshment?

We have profiterole, tiramisu,

banana torte, 8 kinds of gelati,

and 6 kinds of sorbetto.

All fresh...

Homemade, home-grown,
and hand-decorated.

No, thank you.

We make all the same desserts,

plus zuppa inglese,

zabaione, coppa di marrone.

Don't tell me you make
your own chocolate.

Milk, bittersweet, nougat,

and white with nuts.

From a recipe that
is 400 years old?

From a recipe that
Frank Sinatra himself

said was the best he ever tasted

on City Island.

The president of Italy

once ate 2 portions of
our Risotto con funghi.

During the Pope's visit in 1982,

the Holy Father had 3 portions

of our clams posillipo, to go.

In 4 centuries of operation,

our restaurant in
Firenze was visited

by 2 nuns who later
were canonized--

Santa Teresa Demontania

and Santa Rudolpha Legatti,

for whom our Bronzino

in Brodetto di Rudolpha was named.
Eh.

Our dishwasher speaks Chinese.

Oh.

Oh.

Ah, carina.

This is our daughter Regina.

Uh, hi.

Ahem. Uh, this--

this is my mother
Sadie Cappamezza,

and I'm R-r-r...

Oh, Rosario Cappamezza.

How do you do?

Gina has consented

to play the part of Juliet,

even though she
must leave tomorrow.

Oh, where are you going?

Paris.

For the summer,

to study with the ballet russe.

Paris, France?

Oh, there's so much
more to do there

than there is here.

You can climb the Eiffel Tower,

and you can go to the cancan.

Well, uh, we should go.
We're going to be late.

It was nice meeting youse.

Stupido!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Don't you yell at my son!

He--he bumps himself
a lot when he's happy,

and he's very happy
that he has a...

A thin Juliet.

You have a very nice bathroom.

So, uh,
can I drop you anywhere, ma?

Drop me?

Well, yeah.

When Miss DeLuca first
works with an actor,

she doesn't like to
have any eyewitnesses--

I mean, uh, amateur nonactors.

So, ma, can I drop you or what?

No, no, no. It's not far.
I'll walk.

Ok.

You dress funny.

I like it.

Aah!

Oh, I'm smelling her.

I'm smelling her.

Is this new Juliet

the one that my Rosario

is going to give
up his life for?

Big bosom...

Strong thighs...

Small culo?

Yeah.

That's her.

The blessed Roscoe Corroborates.

Well, at least she's
leaving tomorrow.

So...maybe no damage can be done

between now and then.
Am I right?

What does the blessed Roscoe say

I should do?

Nothing.

Love...

Is all there is.

Love is all there is?

How did the candles work?

My husband told me to hold the
cat, too.

Oh! I made a mistake.

Those candles are for young
honeymooners in trouble.

You need something for older
eroticism that's capsizing.

Here.

When these burn down
to the genital area,

he'll be sure to grab
you, not the cat.

Oh, thanks.

Ok. That's, um...
$9 for the candles,

$30 for the reading--

look, about Rosario,

i--i just can't do nothing?

He's too young to ruin his life.

Hold the phone.

Take these 2 birds.

The one with the yellow
ring is the male.

He represents your son.

Keep sprinkling
oregano on his tail--

the desire for higher education.

The other one is the female.

Squint your eyes.

You see her aura?

Right now it's white

because the blessed
Roscoe is present.

This is an aura duster.

Keep dusting her aura

to keep her love
for Rosario pure.

Don't let it turn orange,

or you're in the danger,
lower-crotch area.

And here.
Keep reciting this chant

to the 2 birds.

"He is love deep.

"He is sacrifice all.

"He is education's first.

He is in it for the long haul."

Ok.

That's, um,
$3.00 for the oregano,

$24.50 for the aura duster,

$42.50 for the birds,

a buck and a half for the chant.

He is love deep.

He is sacrifice all.

But his education's first.

All right,
as soon as she's in the costume,

we're going to
start the rehearsal.

Yes, Miss DeLuca. We know.

I hear...

That the new Juliet's dress

had to be opened up
this much on top.

That's how big her titties are.

I wish I had that problem.

Every night,

I pray that mine
will grow bigger.

My mother says it ain't
the size that counts.

It's the quality.

That's because your
mother got small titties.

I hope she's built
better than Isabel.

I mean, with her belly,

the audience wouldn't
even have seen me.

Yeah, well,
I hear she's from Italy,

so she don't talk English

too good like us.

Where do you think
Romeo and Juliet lived?

In England.

Ain't that where
Shakespeare lives?

Shakespeare's dead, you dope.

How do I know?
I don't watch PMS.

I got ham and provolone.

I got anchovies.

I got eggs.

Hey, Ronny, your pizza's here!

Hey! Where's the pepperoni?

Marrone!

Snack time is over!

All right, come on.
Let's get to work.

All right.

Gina, you have just met Rosario,

so I want to assure you

that the kisses will be
done discreetly, huh?

All right.
With your bodies apart,

you're going to just let
your lips just brush lightly,

lightly, like a butterfly's
wings on a Rose petal,

'cause you got to
leave the passion

to the audience's imagination.

All right? Go ahead.

Wait! Keep this much
space between your torsos.

Now.
Ok, let your lips just touch

for one brief instant.

Perfect!

Ok, everybody, come on!

Places for the top of the show!

My granddaughter Rita's
playing the part of Tybault.

Mikey, if you could have
seen the way he drooled

when he looked at her.

Boys his age are
supposed to drool.

But, Mike, Mona says

he's going to give
up everything--

she really sees you coming.

Now we got 2 friggin' birds

who can't stop crapping

stinking up our house.

What are you two talking about?

Nothing.

I saw your lips moving.

Don't tell me nothing.

Where's your tooth?

Oh! I forgot.

There they are.

Look at them

with their Florentine
noses in the air.

It looks like they're
smelling something.

They're looking this way.

I am sure that
Regina having to act

with the son of these Sicilians

make her as sick as I am.

We have no choice

because we have to win over
their low-class clientele.

Good morrow.

Is the day so young?

But new struck 9:00.

Ay me, sad hours long.

Was that my father

that went hence so fast?

It was.

He is so handsome...

Just like Errol Flynn
in the old movies.

Yeah. He fences good.
You'd never know he was clumsy.

Oh, shit!

'Tis not to me she speaks.

Why do they make him wear

the blue pantyhose?

It makes his dingle
look too big.

Shh, ma.

God forbid! Where is this girl?

Juliet!

Juliet!

How now, who calls?

Your mother.

Madam, I am here.

What is your will?

How eloquent she is.

Yes, but is a mismatch

because she make the
Sicilian mama's boy

look like a buffoon
from the circus.

Ha ha ha!

Ooh.

Ohh...

Saints do not move,

though Grant for
my prayers' sake.

Then move not,

while my prayer's effect I take.

Oh, boy.

Thy drugs are quick.

Thus with a kiss I die.

Mmm...

Mmm...

Ohh...

They're doing it for real.

Yes!

Miss DeLuca,
whispering: Rosario!

Rosario!

No more.

Stop!

Woman, whispering: My God.
I never saw this before.

Mmm...

How dare he do that
to my little girl!

He pretend to be mama's boy.

Oldest Sicilian trick

in the back of the book.

Why she don't stop him?
Tell me--why?

Because she has to
act as if she's dead,

and he's taken advantage.

Mona knew.

The blessed Roscoe knew.

That's what masculine acting is.

You kiss the girl
like you go for her.

Her aura is changing.

What?

Nothing.

Rosario!

She is kissing him
with her mouth open.

Ohh...

Stop!

I don't care if I
lose the business.

I don't raise my
daughter for this.

I am going to pull the curtain.

Let me go! You don't understand.

Get out of the way!

...violate my daughter.
Let me out of here!

Mmm...

Piero, come back!
They've stopped kissing!

Come back.

Come on.

Please, let me go.

You got some nerve, fatso.

I...die.

Oh, I hate those pantyhose.

His dingle looks
even bigger now.

Oh!

Dear God!

Is he stiff?

I think he's stiff from her.

That's just a towel in there

so they don't hurt
it when they duel.

Oh, it's a towel.

I'm so relieved.

Let me see!

Get out of my way!

Stop pushing!

Stop looking.

Ugh...

Sicilian son of a bitch!

This is so embarrassing.

It's growing.

I will kiss thy lips.

Haply some poison
yet doth hang on them

to make me die
with a restorative.

My poor baby has to kiss
the Sicilian animal now!

I hope she bite off
his lips and spit them

right into his face!

Oh, my God.

This must be method acting.

Gina...

A butterfly's wings.

A butterfly's wings.

Her aura, it's turning orange.

Go for it, Gina!

He is love deep.

He is sacrifice all.

If she were my daughter,
I'd break her head.

They must have used 2 towels.

Ah! Ah!

Here he goes again!

Sit down, fatso!

You want a rap in the mouth?

Yeah? Step in the toilet!

You be quiet, you!

Piero, come back!

The kiss is finished.

You're going to ruin
her death scene.

O happy dagger,

this is my sheath.

There rest...

Oh!

And let me die!

Ahh...

Move! You have to move.

That's so rude!

The scene is over.

I want to go as soon as
the curtain comes down.

Get out of my way!

Banana. A real banana.

I will challenge you to a duel!

Mikey, let's get him
to the banquet hall

the minute this show is over.

Right.

Ma, wait in the car.

We want to extricate
him unbeknownst.

I knew it.

He was stiff from her!

Shh! Shh!

Come on.

Some shall be pardoned.

Others shall be punished.

For never was a
story of more woe...

Than this of Juliet
and her Romeo.

Bravo! Bravo!

Come on, Rosario.
You got to come with us.

Get out of here!

Jesus, ma!

Sadie, Sadie!

Ma, ma, get off the stage!

I was so disgusted over
how you kissed that boy.

It was pornografia!

All right.

Tonight we go home,
sleep the night good.

Tomorrow you are in Paris,

we forget about everything.

Oh, no. No, papa.
The banquet, eh?

The whole cast is going!

Oh, no! I will not set foot

in that Cappamezza catering
hall for one moment!

And neither should you!

And that is final!

Magnificent performance, Gina.

See you at the banquet?

No, Monsignore,

she cannot come because tomorrow

she have to get up
early, go to airport.

Oh, I understand,

but I want to thank her
and you two publicly.

You just come for that, hmm?

We--

oh--

Boy, I didn't fall asleep once,

except during the parts

where people were just talking.

But in the swordplay...

And the smooching-- terrific.

What about my Francis?

Oh, he was great.

I believed he was her nurse,

and he was very manly
in the girl's clothes.

You're ready for Broadway!

And, Tony, you was great

as Rosario's uncle.

I wasn't his uncle.

I was his cousin.

Well, whoever you were,

you all made the
evening very bearable.

Oh, papa, I'd like to say
hello to the cast, eh?

You say hello to the girls.

Only to the girls,
you understand, eh?

Hello and good-bye, eh?

You know, next year,
we're doing Julius and Caesar.

I'm playing Mrs. Caesar.

You ever see the
smoke in this way?

So ridiculous, eh?

It's obscene.

What they are trying to
do, re-create forest fire?

Stupido.

Look at them.

They are green with
envy from our decor.

When they taste our food,

they're going to wish

they were in another
business altogether.

I don't see the daughter.

She's over there with the girls.

You two were so sexy up there.

I thought I was watching

Mel Gibson and
Michelle Pfeiffer.

Where did you learn
to kiss like that,

boarding school?

I asked my parents to send me.

They were afraid
I'd lose my cherry.

They don't know this,

but I lost it to a
Guido when I was 14.

I been to the Capri Motel.

What is a Capri Motel?

The horniest place
on City Island.

It's got waterbeds shaped
like the back seat of a car

and porno movies in every room.

I lost mine there, too.

I ain't been a virgin
almost a month.

And we know who Mr. Lucky is.

What?

We're all victims
of peer pressure.

What about you?

Oh, um,
my parents are very strict.

Wait here.

I'd like to call up Mike
and Sadie Cappamezza

and Count and Contessa Malacici.

Which just shows...

You want to dance, Rosario?

Hey!

...can turn business rivals

into good friends.

Yeah, yeah.

1 and 2 and 3.

What is that?

What is this? Hey.
What goes here?

Bring Regina.

Hello, Mr. Frederico, Mrs. F.

Piero...wait.

Look.

The Fredericos.

Yes.

We must not go without
to talk to them.

We must cater their
daughter's wedding.

Ahh...

How are you?

Nice to see you.

Your daughter Carmella Recite

the line of Lady Capulet
with such artistry.

And she reeks of intelligence.

Yes.

And that is why she deserve

the grand wedding

we have prepared for her.

Every guest will have

roast goose or
bistecca chateaubriand.

And vanilla tartufi.

And amaretto creme brulee
with the wedding cake.

What about the smoke?

Oh, yes.

Every man smoke big cigar.

No, no, no.

We like the smoke effect.

Oh, smoke effect.

Ahh...we love smoke effect,

but our smoke will be finer...

Not only to the ankle,

but all the way to the calf.

Yes, and softer,
like in a Fellini movie.

The sneaks are trying
to steal the Fredericos!

Ooh...

What do you say, Ralph?

How are you doing, Angie?

Hi. How are youse?

Hello.

They're not looking. Now!

Oh!

For Carmella's
wedding, as souvenirs,

we take a picture of you two

from your wedding
and we print it

on the front of each coffee cup.

And engraved on the inside,

a pink Rose entwined
with a silver ribbon

that says,

"Carmella loves
Tony and vice versa,

"compliments,

Angie and Ralph Frederico."

I've never seen that
before at a wedding.

I am sure they do
it in Coney Island.

Hey, they make a
good-looking couple

even off the stage.

Who?

Your daughter and your son.

Now I know why the Malacicis

and the Cappamezzas
get along so well.

They're making a match.

No! She's only 16!

No, no.

You see, he's just got
his driver's license.

They have only the
Shakespeare in common.

That's all.

She's rushing off for culture

to Paris for the ballet,

and he's trying to
pursue his intellect

taking geometry ii this summer

in summer school.

The other Romeo did
not come close to you.

Did you kiss him
like you kissed me?

I never kiss anyone
like I kiss you.

I take it, uh,

they don't like me for you.

They don't like anyone for me,

but you in particular.

Why?
Because the folks are rivals?

No.

Because you are
dangerous and sexy.

Ah, easy, easy.

Sadie will design

candy-covered almonds
wrapped in lace...

With a bow,

a plastic bird, a feather,
and a simulated zircon ring.

Well, the Malacicis say

they can do a soft Fellini smoke

up to the knees.

Well, we can do bright

Terminator 2 smoke
up to the chin!

Watch this!

With a double Technicolor
Walt Disney rainbow.

Oh, my.

Turn it down!
It's way too high, Mikey!

I can't. It's stuck!

Do something!

I got to get a wrench.

Where are they?

Where are the children?
Where are the children?

The children.

Oh, boy.

Did I do this?

Did I make the
rainbow too romantic?

You both do!
You make a camouflage!

It's your fault!

Stealing the Fredericos,
forcing us to show off!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Where are the Fredericos?

This is exactly what I want,

only more purple.

Is this where all the
boys take the girls?

Yeah.

Have you ever taken
anyone else here?

Yeah.

My mother,
when we needed to talk,

and once my grandma.

You don't have a girlfriend?

No.

How come?

Well, after saying

all those Shakespearean
lines to you,

it's kind of hard
to come up with

the right words, but, uh...

I've been waiting
for the moon...

To send down a goddess
from the Heavens.

And then it must have done it

because, uh... She's come.

Ohh...

I've waited my
whole life for you.

Oh, no!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Don't be scared.

We'll only do what
you want to do.

Oh!

Gina!

Gina!

Where are you going?

What? What? What did I do?

I'm crazy in love with you!

I never wanted to
be a ballerina.

Mother and father
both gave up studying

for the opera when
they got married,

and I thought that their
dream for me was mine, too.

And mother wants to

keep me away from men
until I am famous...

And father wants me
to marry only royalty

that has not gone broke,
like we did in Firenze.

And my parents--

they named the business
"Prince Rosario" after me.

Your parents were right.

You are a prince.

I'm not going away.

Yeah. You got a right
to think for yourself.

Yes.

Let's go tell them.

Who? You and me?

Yes. You won't let
them intimidate me,

will you?

Absolutely not.

I'm used to dealing
with crazy people.

My grandmother is a
complete fruitcake.

So, you let me do the
talking to your parents, ok?

Ok.

If we knew where they
was, wouldn't we tell you?

If your son dishonor
our daughter,

I will hold you responsible!

Our daughter is an
angel of regal bearing,

a treasure,
a Princess from a fairy tale

who walk in purity!

And what's our son--
a big bag of shit?

Mike!
Please don't use the "s" word.

Our son, he's a gentleman,

and he's an altar boy.

He's a lover of all mothers.

I will call the police.
I will call the f.B.I.

They have just
drive up in the car!

See? Nothing from nothing.

Let's go to bed.

What will you say to him?

I'll tell him, "hey,
forget about Paris.

She's with me. Get it?"

How's that?

Let's get out of here!
My father will kill you!

She's just a baby,

little pussy wussy
bushy the pussycat!

She's a little baby calico cat.

She's a little kissable cat.

She's a little--

hey, Mikey.

Get the hell out of here.

Oh! Oh, yes!
Thank you, blessed Roscoe.

What's that?

Nothing.
Just keep doing what you're doing.

You got it.

Hello.

Yes. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Oh!

The kids, they left.

We got to find out
where they are.

You know, Mikey.
I'm not feeling so good.

I'm a little nauseous.
Get me a cup of mint tea.

Hello.

Oh, Mona,
could you please do me a favor

and ask the blessed Roscoe

if he knows where the kids are?

Hold on a second.

Uh-huh.

The blessed Roscoe

sees their expectation
to consummate.

Oh, boy!

Does he know where?

He sees water, a
bed, the letter "C."

Uh-huh.

That's it. I got to go.

3 people have asked me
to try and make rain.

Water, a bed, the letter "C."

The letter "C."

Mike, we got to get
to the Capri Motel

before they consummate
in a waterbed!

How do you know they're there?

Because it all adds up.

My parents are
great in a crisis.

Wait right here.
I'll be right back.

Ma! Pop!

I need youse for some
advice, huh?

Ma!

The only one home is my grandma,

and she's sleeping.

You will not ever leave
me, will you?

No.

No, no. I love you.

From the tip of my heart
to the depth of my soul,

I love you.

I'd like to see your room.

Well, it's real messy.

Fare l'amore con te.

Amore?

Oh! Be tender with me.
I'm a virgin.

Ditto.

I don't see his car.

Good, good.

We're going to save them

from ruining their lives.

Oh, Romeo!

Romeo, wherefore art
thou, Romeo?

The moon, Juliet.

I'm on the moon!

Ohh...

Oh, my God! I don't believe it.

Is it them?

No.

It's Dr. Rondino
and Miss DeLuca.

Ooh!

What does this mean?

It means up, down, up, down.

They ain't comin' here.
Let's go home.

Water...

Bed, and the letter "C."

Ohh...

Oh!

Water, bed, the letter "C"!

"C" for Cappamezza on the water!

Mikey, they're in our
house on our water!

You go look.
I can't look. Go look!

All right.

You want me to
look, I'll go look.

I'm going to go look.

I left the candles burning.

Rosario!

Rosario!

Who is it?

It's your mother and dad.

I'm sleeping.

I'll talk to you in the morning.

Get dressed and
get in the closet.

Where's my underpants?

Here, here. Where's my bra?

Here's your bra,

and here's your panties.

I know you're in
there with the girl.

What makes you think that?

I can sense it with
my mother's intuition.

There. He took her home,
and he was sleeping.

Go back to bed, Rosario.
Come on.

You know,
I feel bad I didn't trust him.

I'm going to go
back and apologize.

Rosario, please forgive--

oh! Oh!

Uh-oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

We love each other very deeply.

I mean,
she's through living a lie

to make her parents happy.

And that is why
we slept together.

You slept together?

But you didn't have
sex, did you?

No.
They were bobbing for apples.

Oh, not Rosario.

This girl, she's Juliet.

Oh, I did this.

I left the candles burning.

I misread the blessed Roscoe's--

all right. All right. All right.

Look, girlie...

We're adults, my wife and me.

You had a bisensual
rendezvous for 2

with my son,

and you should wallow in it

tomorrow on the plane.

You know what I'm talking about?

What my husband is
trying to say is

just Cherish the bliss
you had with Rosario

in ballet school,

and then maybe in
6 or 7 years...

No.
I do not want to go to Paris.

Yeah!
And if she goes, I go, too.

What?!

You got to graduate high school

to go to college,

and what about this summer?

You and me were going to be

father and son

and cure pepperoni together.

Are you trying to tell us

that you would give up
everything for this girl?

Ma, do you want me
to be happy and live

or miserable and die?

These are my only choices?

Yeah.

Excuse me a minute, please.

Sadie, I can't talk now.

I got another client here.

This is an emergency!

So is this. Talk quick.

Me and the blessed Roscoe

have got our hands full.

For 7 years...

Sneaking around in cheap motels

in forbidden bliss
on damp mattresses.

Rosario says

he doesn't want to
live without this girl.

Why me?

Why me?!

What am I going to do?

Ooh!

The blessed Roscoe is poking me.

He says we'll marry
when his mother dies.

Could you hold it down

for a second, sweetheart?

I'm trying to commune here.

The woman is 94!

I may die before her.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

The blessed Roscoe says
love is not enough.

I thought you said he
said love is all there is.

Love is all there is,

but it's also not enough.

What does that mean?

I don't know, Sadie.
Figure it out.

His old mother suffers so.

Do you think you might
have some...Humane herbs

to help her to Heaven?

Hey, the blessed Roscoe and me

are healers, not hit men.

Love is all there is.

Love is not enough.

Open this door.
I want to speak to your son.

We demand to know
where our daughter is.

Wait here.

Open this door.

My son ain't here.

The car is in front.
We know he is in there.

Quick, hide her.

No. It is time

they found out who I really am

and who made me true to myself.

We will tell them,
right, Rosario?

Alack, there lies more
peril in thine eyes, Juliet,

than 20 of their swords.

Uh-oh.

Don't be a sucker, Rosario.
Play dumb.

Regina, what are you doing here?

We have something
we want you to know,

something very important.

Tell them.

Who, me?

Um...please, come in.

Join us in our parlor,

and we'll have a little
tete-a-tete talk.

Oh, may I offer you a banana?

How about a gummy bear?

We don't want
banana, gummy bear.

We want to know the
a, b, c, and the d.

Um...

Did you ever see the episode
of as the world turns

where, um, uh,
Emily tells Barbara

that she and Gavin had a, um,

a mystical odyssey on the beach?

Or maybe you read in
the National Enquirer

about Cher and her
latest guitarist

being caught on a motorcycle.

Well... Rosario and Gina...

Unthinkingly, while we were out,

they were, uh...

They were swept
away in our house.

What?

What is she talking about?

They, um...

They had coitus that, um...

Wasn't interruptus.

And now she don't want
to go to Paris no more

or be a ballet dancer anymore.

Santa Rudolpho, Madre di Dio!

Have you lost your mind?!

You throw away your
life for this?!

You're getting on that plane

if I have to drag
you by the hair!

You're making Gina cry.

She wants to be with me.

Is that such a bad thing?

I'm going to kill you!

Let go of him! Hey! Hey!

Get back in that chair!

You want to scream and yell

like your wife,

you got every right,

but you try to
choke my son again,

I'll throw you in the bay!

I can take care of myself, pop.

Shut up and sit down

before I choke you myself!

He ruin her.
He ruin my daughter.

He ruin everybody.

He did not ruin anybody.

He made me happy!

She's my dream come true.

You shut up.

I get my gun. I shoot you!

You ain't shootin'
anybody, Count Dracula!

I am Count Dracula?

This whole family
is Frankenstein!

Please, let's not turn
this into a tragedy!

It's a comedy because
they love each other.

And...and...look, I'm laughing.

Ha ha ha ha!

Come on. You laugh, too.

Everybody laugh.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha!

Putana! Putana!

Don't you ever set
foot in my house again!

Shh. She don't mean
you're a Putana.

I do! I do!

And you'll get nothing!

Nothing!

You'll go from this
world the way you came--

with nothing!

Please. Oh, don't reject her.

I left the candles burning,

and now they love each other,

and love is all there is.

You shut up!

I knew this was all your fault!

Candles! Voodoo!

God is going to punish you!

It is not voodoo!

It's love charms!

You're a witch! A witch!

Una strega!
Una strega del diavolo!

You call me a witch?!

I have lost my
patience with you!

Just get out of my house!

I will never forgive
you for this!

You'll hate yourself

for giving up the ballet!

I was only doing it for you.

I don't want you

to give up your talent for
love, like we did.

That was your choice.
This is mine.

Oh! Oh!

What about Rosario?

He's going to give up
everything for her.

That's right.

Everything?
Rosario have nothing.

He don't have a job.

He don't even have

a certificate of high school!

He's giving up his future,

where he has everything--

his high-school certificate,

fame, wealth!

Our business will
be his someday!

You are broke.

We check in the bank.

You owe $122,000,

and now everybody

in the whole neighborhood know

that you are nothing

but a low-class Joe Blow!

How dare you call us
a low-class Joe Blow?!

We are just as pretentious
as you will ever be!

And maybe the whole neighborhood

should know that
you tried to sell

your title in Italy,

and nobody would buy it!

We looked it up!

Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!

I will throw you and
your wife in the bay!

Oh, yeah? Come on! Try it!

Don't stoop to their level.

I want to give him beating.

They have no breeding!

We breed plenty!

Yeah!

But he deserves a beating.

I was champion of boxing

in the university of Bologna.

I give him a beating
he never forget.

You want a piece of me?!

Come up here!

Oh, now you've--

come in the house!

No! I want him!

Piero!

I'm gonna kill him!
Let me at him!

I'm gonna kill him!

No, no. Leave them. Leave them.

Let me get my hands on you!

I am exhausted.

I'm gonna punch him
right in the mouth!

You are stupid!

Let me at him!

You chickenshit peckerhead!

You make me cup of coffee, no?

I hate them!

I wish they were not my parents!

Look, that's like wishing
your foot wasn't your foot

just because it's
got a bad fungus.

I can never go back to them!

Maybe they're just
obnoxious temporarily, huh?

In the meantime,

you're going to be the daughter

we always wanted.

I told you my
parents were great.

Look, Rosario,

now that she's under
our sexual auspices,

your behavior has got to
be, um...

According to the rules
of Queen Victoria.

You know what I mean?

Kosher.

Here. Here's one of
grandma's bathrobes.

And you're going to
sleep inside there

with grandma in her bed.

You see, sex is a gift from God,

and you two have chosen
to share that gift,

but now we're going
to take that gift,

we're going to put
it back in the box

and under the tree, ok?

Because, you see, Mikey and I,

we're responsible now.

I wish you were really my mother, Mrs.
Cappamezza.

Good night, Gina.

Good night.

Good night, honey.

Good night, ma.

Good night.

Good night, pop.

She's such a sweet girl.

Yeah.

I think I handled it

as if love is not enough.

Let's get back to
what we was doing.

What?

You know...Whoopee.

Mike, we got to stand guard.

What for?

We can't take a chance.

They're too overstimulated.

And what am I?

Gina.

Gina!

Rosario?

What's the matter?
I heard you crying.

I never talked back
to my parents before.

We bring out the
best in each other.

Will you always love me

and choose me over
the other woman?

What other woman?

Your mother.

I'll never have to choose.
I love you both.

And she loves you, too.
You heard her.

Why did she say

we should not sleep together?

I am not a Putana.

Hey, your mother said
that, not mine!

You raise your voice to me?

Yes. I did?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I insult your mother.

Our first fight.

Yes.

It makes me hot.

Me, too.

I still got the potato gnocchi

and the Garbazel to cook.

The Fasuli-Baldilamente
wedding is a killer.

Where the hell's Rosario?

5:00. He ain't up yet.

He's probably tired

from talking to her through
the window all night.

He's tired?

I got practically no sleep,

and when I did sleep,

I dreamed about you
and you know what.

Oh, Mike, come on.

We were on top of the
small banquet table.

Yeah?

I had one foot on the ground,

the other foot up in the air,

and with my other foot...

Oh!

Good morning.

Good evening.

Go put the clams in
the fra diavolo sauce.

It's too hard

staying away from Gina,

and it's stupid.

We already had sex together.

Why should she sleep
in grandma's bed

and not mine?

Because grandma can't
get her pregnant.

Youse can't keep me from her.

Rosario.

Hey!

Isabel Fasuli is here with
her mother in a panic.

Ow! I'm caught in the
zipper, Sadie!

Her gown split
open at the church

during the "I dos."

She's been eating chocolates
for 2 weeks around the clock.

I'm nervous, ma, ok?
I'm nervous!

Give me that chocolate bar.
Spit it in my hand.

All right. This is what

we're going to do, Adele.

I'm going to take
this cabbage Rose

that's in the back,

and I'm going to
put it in the front,

and then we're going to take

this big cabbage Rose,

and I'm going to
put it in the back.

Oh.

And nobody will know

that she gained a few pounds.

How about 20 in 2 weeks?

Some of us gain weight

because we feel that
if we have everything,

people will envy us.

Yeah, ma. People envy me.

That's why I eat!

Now go out and stun your guests

and surprise your enemies.

Wait, ma. I got to get my shoes.

Fidella, look out!

Watch what you're doing!

You almost killed another cat.

Don't you dare eat another thing

until you leave
for your honeymoon.

This is the last fitting

that I am putting Sadie through.

Mr. and Mrs. Cappamezza,
I want you to know

that Rosario just burned
his finger in the kitchen.

Now, I don't know what
you said to him about me,

but you hurt him
very, very deeply.

And now, for the first time as Mr. and Mrs.
Baldilamente,

please welcome Isabel and Vinny!

Hey, Vinny,
that looks beautiful.

That cake looks
absolutely beautiful.

Yo, ma, pop!
Everybody, listen up.

I just made a big decision.

I want the whole world to know.

Gina, there's something
I should have asked you

from the moment I first saw you.

What?

Will you marry me?

Ah...

Ha ha.

Now will you be my wife?

Oh, Rosario, yes, I will.

Congratulations!

Get back to work!
Everybody, get back to work!

Are you crazy?

Are you crazy?

I thought you'd be happy.

Happy?!

We'd be happier

if you were both
out of high school.

You're still babies!

Telephone, Gina Malacici.

My body's addicted to her.

I got to get married.

You get married when
your brain is mature,

not just your pubic parts!

More pigs knuckles.

Coming up. No, you're too young.

Ma, please.

It's not legal.

It is legal with
parents' approval.

Didn't we just say no?

My parents just
gave their approval.

What?!

Last night they
hated Rosario's guts,

and they threw you
out into the snow.

They miss me,

and they want me to be happy.

More fried octopus
and zucchini sticks!

On the fire!

It's very nice your
parents miss you,

but if they gave their approval,

they got a couple screws loose.

My parents happen to be

highly cultured aristocrats!

They would never make
a cake like that!

This cake happens to be
our deluxe glamorama,

and nobody but us matches
the little plastic dolls

to the live wedding party.

In Italia,

these strawberries
with gold roses,

they would be a laughingstock!

Well, in these parts,
they're the cat's ass.

More scungilli marinara!

Ready to travel!

I think what it is is that
you miss your parents,

and that's why you're
acting so nutsy.

I am just trying to teach you

what's in bad taste, Mrs.
Cappamezza.

More rice and
pepperoni fritters!

Coming up!

If there's any one person

who should be teaching
somebody something,

it should be me!

I'll have you know

that I starred on
wedding dos and don'ts

on the local City
Island cable channel,

where I pointed
out that bad taste

was better than no taste at all.

Am I right, Rosario?

Apologize to Gina for
calling her nutsy.

What? She just insulted
me and your father.

It's true.
Her parents' decorations

are less Gabon.

Who's a Gabon? I'm a Gabon?

More pigs knuckles!

What the hell are these people

eating the hors d'oeuvres
with, a shovel?!

Mike, we got a problem.

I know.
We're out of pigs knuckles.

How come I hear
that the Malacicis

offer my wife's brother Jackie,

that friggin' umpa lumpa,

the exact same deluxe wedding
as Isabel for 50% less?!

They're undercutting, Joe.

They lose money at that price.

The Malacicis may use our menu,

but their portions,
they're so refined

for people like you
and your families

with large, gourmet frames...

I want a refund now,

or I will never do
another affair here!

And that goes for

my wife's side, the Laciannos,

her mother's side, the Brunos,

the Baldimentes,

and the Macrogiovannis!

We can't.
We're paying off our loan.

Come help me!

Isabel threw up
doing the alley cat.

I told her not to stuff herself

with the pork and
the plum sauce!

All right. Act casual.

Maybe nobody will notice.

Nobody will notice

that she has vomit
on her wedding gown?!

Sadie, do something!

Right. Here.
Wipe her off with this rag,

and hang this car
freshener on her.

They say it's the latest thing.

Rosario, couldn't we

talk about this later, please?

Don't make him choose
between me and you!

That's not a very
nice thing to say.

If we're old enough to
want to make love all day,

we're old enough to get married.

It's easy to make love all day

when you're not married.

It's much harder
when you have to!

That's right.
Where are you going?

Her parents' house.

At least they want
us to be happy!

You'd go live

with those sneaky sleaze bags?

How dare you say that
about my parents!

Keep quiet! I'm talking to him!

We speak the truth

because we love each other!

Yeah? Here's truth.
You're jealous of us.

And here's

I don't even know
if I want to be

in the catering business.

Hot stuff coming through.

I can't believe he left.

I can't believe

he doesn't want to be

in the catering business.

They're ready for the
Polynesian pupu platters!

Hey, what happened?

Our heir apparent
just walked out on us.

And what happened to the bird?

One of them just keeled over.

Oh, my God. It's the female.

Mary, mother of God,
please save her.

Why are you so hysterical?

Mike,
don't you get the symbolism?

I jinxed the bird.

If she dies,

I will have killed
her with my thoughts!

Sadie, thoughts don't kill.

Please, Mike,
rush her to the vet,

and don't let her die, please!

Ok, ok, ok, ok.

I'll take her to the vet.

I can't come to the phone.

Having an out-of-body
experience.

Leave your name and
number after the beep,

and I'll call you back before
Saturn is in retrograde.

[Beep]

Oh, boy.

Let me tell you a couple things

about your mother-in-law
that you don't know.

She auditioned for the
original movie Jaws.

You know why she didn't get it?

Her mouth was too big.

She walked over
to her girlfriend,

and she said,

"I was stuck in the
escalator for 3 1/2 hours."

"Why didn't you walk down?"

"I was going up."

Monsignor, Monsignor,

can I talk to you for a
minute, please?

Thank you.

You see,
an anonymous underage couple

partook of gratification
coitally,

and I'd like to drop
something on their heads,

but I don't want
to be interfering,

and a bird, symbolizing
the female in this couple,

is at death's door.

Are you familiar with
the blessed Roscoe,

the Merry Martyr?

No...

But I have a feeling
Mona Barcavella is.

You don't think she's a
nut, too,

do you, father?

Sadie, there are people
who think I'm a nut.

First the blessed Roscoe
said, "love is all there is,"

and then he said,
"love is not enough."

That's the riddle of the Sphinx.

Love is all there is...

But when is love not enough?

I've been working
on that one myself.

Oh, that's so comforting to
know, father.

I'll do this for you.

I'll give you another riddle.

Who are you when
you're not a mother?

When I'm not a mother?

Who am I?

Aw...

Monsignor, I don't know.

Now let me tell you
about my mother-in-law.

This woman is so fat

that she was crossing
King's Highway,

a truck went around
her and ran out of gas.

I'll tell you how stupid
my mother-in-law is.

She thinks mutual orgasm
is an insurance company.

Enough with the
mother-in-law jokes.

How about the gaga
that mother-in-laws

have to put up with
from daughter-in-laws?

Nobody ever talks about that.

You stink. Keep your mouth shut.

Who needs to listen to that?

My daughter-in-law, that strush.

Comedians-- they
have no respect.

You're not even funny!

Wait. Wait. I'm just--

get off the stage!

You stink!

Get the hell off!

It was just a joke.

You don't know dick!
You're not funny.

I got a son-in-law.

Get off! You stink!

Mama, papa,

they did not want
us to get married.

I really appreciate
your accepting us, dad.

You don't mind me calling you
dad, do you?

What are you doing?

Someday you will thank us.

Don't you come back here again!

We're locking her in her room

and sending her to Paris

tomorrow morning under guard!

I'll kick you in the ass!

And burn this vulgar
Cappamezza rag.

Oh, Rosario, you're back.

Oh, thank God.

Her parents locked her up.

They're giving her
a police escort

to the plane tomorrow.

It's for the best.

Those people, they're poison.

If she leaves,

I never want to see you again.

Rosario...

Rosario...

You know how much I adore you.

You don't get it, do you, ma?

It's over between us.

It's her turn to adore me now.

So, uh... You came back.

That's, uh... That's good.

What happened?

Her parents, they lied to them

about getting married,

and now they're sending her

off to Paris tomorrow by force.

Ooh, are we lucky.

Mike,
is the bird going to be ok?

It's got a broken wing.
It's in shock.

With the x-rays,
we're up to 200 bucks.

The vet wants to
know how much more

we're willing to spend.

Everything we got!

Broken wing...

And...and shock.

What does this all mean?

Why does everything

always have to mean
something with you, Sadie?

Everything isn't always
what it seems to be.

I'm looking for what really is.

I want to be a good person.

I don't want to change people

by pushing them.

I want to change
them with my love.

If we get arrested for this,

I'll never tell,

because anything
in the name of love

is God's work.

We're like holy
warriors and shit.

Heaven is here,
where Juliet lives.

Every dog and every cat

and every little mouse
may look upon her,

but Romeo may not.

When Carmella distracts them

with the loud music,

I spike the sauce.

In the confusion,
we snatch Gina away.

This is a great plan.
I love this plan.

I'm calling my potion
Rosario's revenge.

Duck!

Oh! This is so exciting.

I humbly accept this award

from the City Island
Cultural Society.

It's not going to work.

This stuff would kill the hairs

on a Calabresa's ass.

As Italians,
be proud to be from the country

that gave us Dante,

that gave us Da Vinci,
that gave us Puccini,

that gave us--

Michelangelo.

How crude.

Piero della Francesca,

Tintoretto.

Cappamezza sabotage.

Chase that calamari
away from here.

Chase them!

I hope this works.

There's hot peppers in there

my family's been marinating

since before Mussolini.

Oh, boy,
they're coming this way.

Aah!

We're on our way.

As Shakespeare would say,

"May the merry farts begin."

Baby! Baby! Oh, baby!

This is the last straw!
The Sicilian Cappamezza!

Destroy them!

I want you to bring
them to their knees!

I will bring them to their feet!

Let me at them!

What did I tell you?

It's working like a dream.

Hoist yourself up. I got you.

Uh! Uh!

You came for me!
You came for me!

Quick. Leave them this note.

I want them to think

we're committing suicide.

That way, when they find out

we're just eloping,
they'll be grateful.

You are so smart.

Climb on my back.

Oh...

All right. Move it over.

Ow! My ear.

That's my ear.

Oh, God.

Go, Vinny! Go, Vinny!

Vinny! Vinny! Go, Vinny!

Come on. Come on!

Run! Run!

Hey!

We got to hide.

In here, in the smokehouse.

I was looking for my pussycat.

You seen him?

Big orange guy, 3 legs.

Here, Tripod. Tripod.

Here, Tripod.
Where are you, Tripod?

The coast is clear.

I think we can get away now.

By this time tomorrow,

we'll be in Tennessee
and married.

We got to get back to my car

before they get back.

Let's go.

I love what you've done.

I love that we're
tricking our parents.

They think they know everything.

Yeah. Who needs them?
We got each other.

Should we not be going?

We got time.

Ah...

Not Marilyn! Oh, my cake!

What are you doing?

I'm gonna kill you! I swear!

What are you doing?

Uh!

It's ok. Here.
I'm going to help you.

Ooh...oh! Oh!

Aah!

The wedding is ruined.

My life is over.

The Malacicis did this!

Let's go teach those
ass wipes a lesson!

Nobody makes a jerk
out of my baby Isabel!

I'll kill them! I'll kill them!

Ooh...Cannoli creme.

If I get my hands on them,

I'll mash them, I'll bash them,

I'll pulverize them!

Do you know what
this wedding cost me?

22,500! Without the band!

Get them!

Get every friggin' one of them!

Get those bastards!

I saved 15 years for
that beautiful wedding,

since her first Holy Communion!

Give me a hand.

Let's knock their new
smokehouse over on its ass!

Ready, heave!

What's happening?

I don't know.

We got to get out of here.

Heave!

We got them! We got them!

I think I pulled something.

Where's the door?

I don't know.

I think we're sitting on it.

Ow!

Ok, let's not panic.

I'll figure something out.

What is that smell?

Gas. A line must be broken.

Help! Help!

Help!

Somebody help us, please!

Please! Mama! Papa!

Mommy! Daddy! Help, please!

Mama!

Aah!

Gina is gone!
She left this note!

"Dear parents,

"we don't want to live
without each other.

"Forgive us for
what we are doing.

"Rosario and Gina.

Love is forever in
life and death."

It's Rosario's handwriting!

Oh, he can't mean suicide!

You have to find our children!

You must find them!

Jimmy, put out an APB on them.

They can't have gone far.

Could the bird--

could the broken wing mean--

look, we got to go find them.

Come on!

Help! Help!

Help!

If they die,

I will never forgive myself.

Blessed mother,
Mikey and I and our new acquaintances,

the Count and Contessa Malacici,

ask you to please bring
our children home safely.

I'll go to church every week.

I go with you!

Oh, Gina!

It's no use.

I can't find the leak.

I regret any moment
I've lived without you.

We'll be together forever

in the afterlife.

Always.

I don't want to die!

Help!

I don't want to die!

Help! Help!

Michael.

What?

I promise,

if the children are all right,

we will divide the neighborhood

in equal part.

I will go after

only the upper Echelon,

and you will go after

the people of your level.

You're a real fair
guy for a big snob.

I thank you very much.

Please, dear God,

send somebody to guide us.

Look! Quick, stop the car!

Mona?

I've been praying for you.

It's a miracle
that you heard me.

Both of youse kids is in danger.

But doesn't the blessed Roscoe

know where they are?

The blessed Roscoe
can't help you.

You are creating

the meaning to your life.

You got the power here.

You will find them, with this.

This?

Yes!

This and this and this
ain't enough anymore.

Now go!
Youse ain't got a second to lose.

Go!

Where are we to go?

I don't know,

but we ain't got
a second to waste.

Help...

Help.

We have been

around this
neighborhood 3 times.

Now we must go back,
check with the police!

A little longer, please.

I'm trying to find
them with this.

Ow!

You all right?

Yeah. I fell down.
I hurt my arm.

I think your arm is broken.

Mike.

What?

Mike, it's me!

It's me!

I'm the bird with
the broken wing.

I'm the one who
has to be healed.

What is she talking about?

I don't know

what she is talking about.

They're not committing suicide.

It's me that wanted to
die from losing him.

They... They're eloping.

Piero, turn the car around.

They're in danger!

I thought you just said
they're just eloping.

Maybe they were,
but now they're in danger.

Look. Look at the cloud.

Don't you see the
snorting dragons?

I don't see the clouds.

What is a snorty dragon?

Piero, turn the car around.

Thus with a kiss, I die.

They're here.

They're here. They're here. Aah!

Where? Where are they?

They're here somewhere.
I'm beginning to feel it,

not just here...
Or here...Or here,

but--but here!

Over here! This way! This way!

Which way? This way?

This way! This way!

Which way are you talking about?

No! Over here!

Shh. Shh.

Listen.

I hear something.

I smell gas.

The smokehouse!

They got to be in there.

We got it! We got it!
Push it down!

Pull it open!

Ouch.

Help.

Let me out of here.

Push again.

No, no, no, no. Pull.

Push.

Open the door. Where's the door?

Pull.

Oh, God.

Thank you so much.

Jesus. I'm so sorry.

Where am I?

You're in the hospital.

This, I think,
you'll get a big kick out of.

You're on sedatives,
just like the bird.

Ha ha ha.

I'm glad you're ok, Sadie.

I would have been indisposable
without you, you know.

I know, Mikey.

I am so happy

you're looking so well, Sadie.

From the bottom of my soul,

I want to thank you that
you find the children.

You are very spiritual.

Thank you, Piero.

I'm sorry for acting
so...nutsy with you.

You forgive us?

That's what mothers are
for, huh?

We were too young
to get married,

but we believe the experience

has grown us up.

We want to get married

because we believe

the meaning for you saving us

is so that we could be together.

What do you think, Monsignor?

At 16...sexuality
overwhelms other feelings.

Can they love themselves enough

so they can love
each other more?

Another mystery, Monsignor, huh?

Mike?

I vote yes because they
got us over a barrel.

Maria? Piero?

One moments, please, eh?

Piero!

They are in love.
That is a fact.

We agree to the marriage.

Eee! Ha ha ha!

Under this condition...

The appetizer and the pasta

will be at your catering hall.

The entree and the dessert

will be at our catering hall,

and there will be
no smoke effect,

or the deal is off!

Before we begin our ceremony,

Rosario and Gina have
written their own vows,

and they'd like to
make them at this time.

I'm sure the marriage

is going to mature
them real fast,

and everything's
going to be all right.

I promise that I will
never wear clothes

that you don't think
I look good in.

And I promise to
give you the space

to play your kind of music.

At least they're not on drugs,

except for each other.

I'd like to thank my parents
for making it possible

for me to go to Paris
with Gina for 4 years

to study acting

at the Comedie-Francaise
during the day

and Cordon Bleu for
cooking at night.

And my parents,

for allowing me

to study ballet and archaeology

and for supporting
me and Rosario

while we find ourselves.

I hope they're going to be
happy, Mikey.

If they're not...

It's really none
of our business.

I figured it out.

"Love is all there is"

means that love is real,

love is the immortal soul.

So if you're a parent,

you let your children
follow their hearts.

And "love is not enough" means

that even if your kids

don't know what they're doing,

if you're a good
parent, you say,

"it's ok. It's your life."

We release these doves,

and our love soars with them.

I think

the birds being so
healthy and happy

means that the kids
are going to be, too.

I wonder what that means.

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Lovely.

And they all lived
happily ever after

till last Thursday around 3:00,

but that's another story.