Original subtitles

Welcome to Tool Time. l'm your host, Tim Taylor.

You all know my assistant, Al Borland.

Thank you, Al.

OK. Today's first segment is about stuff that's stuck.

And we're not talking about Tim gluing his head to a table.

We're talking nails, screws and bolts that get stuck

and seem impossible to remove.

That's right. OK?

- Problem: - [suspenseful music]

A mangled head of a screw here

and the screwdriver will not fit in the slot. Mon dieu.

[French accent] How will l finish building ze bridge?

Solution: Use your hacksaw

to cut a new slot at a right angle to the old one.

[French accent] Perfect.

Screwdriver fits. Now we finish ze bridge. Voil�!

- All right. Problem: - [suspenseful music]

The nail head is too deep to remove with a claw hammer.

[French accent] Oh, mon dieu. How will l build ze windmill?

Solution: Use your trusty cat's paw.

You simply pound it with your hammer,

making sure that the cat's paw goes underneath the nail head,

then just pull.

[cat screeching]

Let's move on to Al's tricycle.

Actually, this is my father's tricycle.

l hope someday to hand it down to my child.

- Problem: - [suspenseful music]

Doing refurbishing you find some bolts are rusted shut.

That is a real problem.

[suspenseful music]

Solution: Use a little penetrating oil on the rusty area.

lt should work perfect every time. [straining]

[stammering] You're bending it!

When they're really stuck like this you can use a little heat to help out.

Well, if you're gonna use a lot of heat you want to wipe off the excess...

...excess...

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You've completely destroyed my tricycle!

[metal hitting floor]

Well, look there. The bolt came free.

- lt's no longer a problem. - [suspenseful music]

Come on, Randy, hurry up. l gotta take a shower.

l thought you took one last night.

- Now what do you think? - Make that last year.

My turn. Oh, what stinks?

- Brad and it's still my turn. - lt's not.

- lt's my turn. - Will you shut up?

[whistles] Guys, guys, come on. Knock it off.

Mark, get in the shower. Brad, wait. Randy, go dry off.

- What is that smell? - Brad.

New plan. Brad, you go next and use lots of soap.

Yes, ma'am.

Thirty-eight, 39, 221 ...

- ...222, 223... - ln your dreams!

...225.

[panting]

You know, you should be thankful l work out every day.

- [arguing] - What are the boys yelling about?

lt's the shower again.

Could you go out in five minutes and pull Brad out and shove Mark in?

- l'm ready for a shower. - No! l have an early class.

- l have to go first. - You know my routine.

l wake up, go to the bathroom, exercise, take a shower,

go eat, go back to the bathroom.

Can't you change your routine for one day?

Then it wouldn't be my routine, would it?

Well, your routines are starting to get very annoying.

- l don't complain about your routine. - l don't have the luxury of a routine.

l stay flexible so l can deal with everybody's problems.

So, being flexible is your routine.

Tim, why can't you just eat breakfast and then shower?

lf l eat breakfast early l'll be hungry when l get to work.

Then l'll have a snack and push lunch way back.

- So? - Come on. Follow me here.

lf l push lunch back l won't eat dinner till late.

l'll go to bed bloated, feel uneasy and won't sleep.

l'll be too tired to go to work.

Al will do Tool Time. Ratings will plummet.

We'll lose the show, jobs, our money, our house,

be in a cardboard box on the freeway.

lf you think taking a shower is worth that...

Oh, just go!

So then, Tim spent 20 minutes in the shower

and another ten minutes powdering, spraying and clipping.

Who did l marry, a man or a poodle?

You should see Harry in the bathroom.

On second thought, nobody should have to see that.

lt was so frustrating.

By the time that l got to school and found a parking place,

l missed half my class.

- Hey, Jill. - Hi, Marge.

- Hi, Delores. - Hey, Marge.

So, what's going on?

We're doing a little husband-bashing.

Sorry l'm late.

l'll have the beef dip.

Speaking of dips, l was just talking about Tim.

l have got to find a way to make him more flexible.

You've got as much chance of that

as Marge digesting the... ...[shouting] beef dip!

Oh, boy. l'm dead.

Oh, listen. lf Tim is anything like Bob, he'll never change.

Every night it's the same.

Seven o'clock: ''Where's the food?''

Seven-oh-five: ''You call that food?''

Seven-fifteen: ''Why'd you let me eat so much food?''

Tim does all that.

Then he opens his pants, sticks out his gut, and belches.

Nobody is more set in his ways than Harry.

Every Saturday night at 1 1 :30 after the sports report,

he wakes me up and asks the same question:

''You want to do it?''

And they say romance is dead.

lt's been that way for 25 years.

l wish he could be a little more spontaneous

and skip a Saturday every once in a while.

OK. Well, l guess you both have it worse than l do.

Oh, no, you've got it worse.

You're trying to start a new career and Tim's screwing it up.

- lt's only half a class. - Today.

Next thing you know, it'll be half a semester.

The older men get the more their routines take over your life.

You friend's right.

By the time they're his age

every minute of your day revolves around them.

Mildred, it's 1 2:00. Where's my lunch?

Where's my water? Where's my pill?

Where's my life?

l can't believe l've been in college for 35 years.

But all l have to do

is finish the very last sentence of my dissertation

and l'll finally get my doctorate.

Doctor? Are you takin' me to the doctor?

l'm not takin' you to the doctor. l'm trying to get my doctorate.

Who's gonna take me to the doctor?

Nobody. You're not sick. Except in the head.

Now let me work.

The president of the university is gonna be here any second.

ls he a doctor? l hope so.

Oh, no. He's coming here to pick up my dissertation!

Why don't you just take it to him?

Because l have to be here to make you lunch and help you to the bathroom.

Well, just feed me lunch in the bathroom.

Better yet, l'll lock you in the bathroom.

- Grouchy old bitty. - What did you say?

- Who remembers? - Eh.

- Where's my lunch? - Oh, go make it yourself.

l need a few minutes of peace and quiet to get this done.

Mom, Randy won't let me finish my shower.

You've been in there for 35 years.

And you still stink.

Will you guys stop it!

Aren't you ever gonna grow up?

[Tim clearing throat very loudly]

l gotta tell ya, it's not looking real appealing.

Well, l got something to eat, no thanks to you.

Oh. Just what you need, prunes.

ls it hot?

Are you hot? l'm hot.

lt's so hot. l hate being hot!

[wind blowing]

- [doorbell rings] - He's here!

My dissertation! Ohhh!

Where's page one?

This it? Nope, this isn't it.

Tim, no, no!

Oh.

[sobbing]

- Those are really good prunes. - [Jill sobbing]

Where is the bathroom?

- [sobbing] - [doorbell rings]

What? Stop it!

Old bitty? l'm an old bitty?

Sometimes.

l was one sentence away from graduating

and you used page 56 of my dissertation

to wipe your drool!

Stop hitting me.

You're mad at me because of something l did to you in a dream?

Dreams are a window into our subconscious.

Well, close the window and go back to bed.

Tim, this is important.

l dreamt that your stupid routines ruined my life.

Your 1 2:00 lunch, your exercising...

What you call stupid routines l call self-discipline.

What you call self-discipline l call obsession.

What you call obsession l call structure.

What you call structure l call neurotic compulsion.

What you call neurotic compulsion l call what l said the first time.

Tim, l'm really upset about this.

ls there any way we can talk about this in the morning?

lf l don't get enough sleep l won't be able to do my exercise.

There you go again.

l don't care about your idiotic exercise.

Oh, you say that now.

When you're 75 and your friends are burying their husbands

l'll still be fit and virile.

You're not fit and virile now.

Make jokes, will ya? You'll be whistling a different tune

when all those widows are pinching my buns of steel.

l'm home from school.

[grunting]

[grunting]

Tim, l can't get my backpack off.

Don't worry, honey. Your fit and virile husband will give you a hand.

Easy does it, old girl.

Thank you, honey. Thank you.

So, how was school today?

l don't know.

l never got there.

By the time l got dressed and put my backpack on,

school was over.

How much time did you give yourself to get ready?

Well, l put my sweater on last Tuesday.

l buttoned it Wednesday.

l remembered l forgot my underwear Thursday.

And then l had to start all over again.

Let's face it, Tim. l'm a broken-down old hag.

You're a perfect physical specimen.

lt's not too late, honey. Just start a routine like mine.

Fifty thousand push-ups...

We'll weight train you. You can do it around the house.

Just lift with your legs.

[straining]

Oh.

You are an inspiration.

l don't know how you stayed with me after the way l've let myself go.

lt's just the kind of guy l am.

There are thousands of younger, sexier women

who would be thrilled to have you.

And l'd be thrilled to have them.

But no matter how pathetic you look,

no matter how fabulous l look,

l'll never leave you.

Well, God bless you and your routine.

We've got a great show for you today. Right, Al?

Yes, we do.

Although Binford won't allow Tim to do any more shows involving power.

Yesterday's electrical accident was the straw that broke the camel's back.

[coughing]

l thought it was your mom that broke the camel's back.

l think it's time you stopped making fun of my mother.

Oh, yeah? Why?

Because she's been dead for 25 years!

Making fun of your mother is a staple here at Tool Time.

The audience response has always been huge.

- 'Course, not as huge as your... - That's it. l quit!

- l quit. - You can't quit.

Ten more years you qualify for health insurance.

l'm not fallin' for that one again.

- Timmy? - What?

- Could l have Al's lines? - No.

- Well, then l quit, too. - Go ahead.

l'm not changing Tool Time.

The audience loves Tool Time just the way it is.

Right, audience?

We haven't liked the show in 20 years.

- Why do you show up every day? - lt's part of our routine.

Hey, Wilson?

Well, hidey-ho, there, studly neighbor.

Today at Tool Time Al and Heidi quit.

Uh, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Do you have any words of wisdom for me?

Well, Tim, nothing of any significance.

l've been giving you advice for so many decades

l'm at the bottom of the barrel.

Barrel. How about this?

More fun than a barrel of monkeys.

That-that doesn't help me very much.

Uh... um, ''monkey see, monkey do''.

You gotta do better than this. l mean,

getting advice from you is one of my routines.

Well, it's your routine that sucked me dry.

Come on. You gotta have something.

Well, let's try this one on for size.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe

She got sick of your routine and l did, too

Honey, Wilson turned into a shoe.

Al and Heidi quit, but good riddance. At least l got you.

Jill?

[weakly] Help.

- Jill? - Help me, honey.

l can't hear. The table's on you.

Here. Remember to always lift with your legs, honey.

[straining]

l tried to be as disciplined as you.

But l failed.

l only hope my untimely and tragic death

won't interfere with your... [gasping]

...routine.

[choking]

Jill. Jill!

Jill, wake up. Jill!

Jill. Jill!

Oh, no, no, no.

Tim, wake up. You're having a bad dream.

Jill, Jill.

Jill. Wow.

[whistles]

- What a dream. - What?

- You were dead. - Dead?

Squashed under the coffee table.

Heidi and Al left the show.

And Wilson turned into Mother Goose.

l'm gonna take a shower.

- At 3:00 in the morning? - You've got an early class tomorrow.

This way l can be a little more flexible.

l go to the bathroom at 3:00, shower at 3:1 0,

breakfast at 3:25, back in the bathroom at 3:45.

Tim, it's the same routine, you're just on London time.

Come back to bed.

Well, l gotta figure out a way to be more flexible with this.

That would be great.

l don't want it to end up like in that dream.

- lt was that bad? - lt was horrible.

Oh, boy.

You were gone. Everybody l cared about was gone.

l was all alone.

l was terrific-looking but l was all alone.

What did l look like?

l-l really didn't get a good look at you.

Do you remember that old woman in The Waltons?

Can you believe this?

One hundred six years old and look how good we look.

l don't feel a day over 90.

Well, teeth in or out tonight?

- Now, problem: - [suspenseful music]

All right. [laughing]

- Problem: - [suspenseful music]

[laughter]

- And we're not talking about... - [both laughing]

Does anybody care what time it is?

No!

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