All language subtitles for American.Loser - YTS.MX -720
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese
Punjabi
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Telugu
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Odia (Oriya)
Kinyarwanda
Turkmen
Tatar
Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:28,696
Okay, so our next act,
a very funny man.
4
00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:30,898
Please make him feel welcome.
Jeff Nichols.
5
00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:34,034
[applause]
6
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,673
Hi. My name is Jeff,
7
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,109
and I'm an alcoholic.
8
00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:43,544
- Hi, Jeff.
- Hi, Jeff.
9
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,014
I have severe
learning disabilities,
10
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:50,818
which have plagued me
my whole life.
11
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:54,988
I've been diagnosed
with ADD, dyslexia,
12
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:57,024
and a mild case of
Tourette's Syndrome.
13
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,026
I have trouble balancing,
which doctors have told me
14
00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:01,795
is inner ear related,
but it's not.
15
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,997
It's more associated
with the word "balance"
16
00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:06,167
than with balance itself.
17
00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:08,569
The good news is that none
of these problems, however,
18
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:11,839
are the result
of my addiction to alcohol.
19
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,674
I've been sober
for almost ten years.
20
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,610
[applause]
21
00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:22,150
I've always wanted
to do good, you know?
22
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:25,319
- Kind of be a hero.
- [snickers]
23
00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:33,827
Even on the day
that made me get sober,
24
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:36,164
I started out with
the best intentions.
25
00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:40,268
My mommy had lined up
a job for me.
26
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:44,205
All I had to do was
pass the interview.
27
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,379
Sorry.
28
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,282
Oh, it's--
29
00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:55,783
Got it.
30
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,286
It's--
31
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,326
- Good morning.
- Morning.
32
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,761
I already put the shirt on.
I'm just gonna wear it.
33
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,631
Right. One yellow Oxford.
34
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,200
Yellow?
35
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,235
Yellow? I thought
this was white.
36
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,803
No. It's yellow.
37
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:21,909
It is. It is yellow.
38
00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:24,245
I don't-- Maybe I should
get a white one.
39
00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:27,047
You know, I've got
a big job interview today.
40
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:30,083
It's just that these guys,
they wear traditional
white Oxford shirts.
41
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:31,319
It's kind of the standard,
you know?
42
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:33,854
I think the yellow
looks nicer on you.
43
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,790
How can you tell if you like it
better if you haven't seen me
in the white?
44
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:41,229
I can tell when your face
is red, so the yellow
tones it down a bit.
45
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,330
It's cute.
46
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,535
You don't think
it's too yellow, do you?
47
00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:48,669
No.
48
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:51,104
This is very important,
you know.
49
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,607
I'm thinking
maybe I should get both.
50
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,343
No. I think
I should get white.
51
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:57,345
Listen, if you want
the white one,
it's right there.
52
00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:59,112
You can just grab it.
53
00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:01,982
I don't want to create
a problem for you. I just--
54
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:05,619
[sighs]
I don't know.
55
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:08,822
I should get a white one.
56
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,891
Can you just tell me
one more time--
57
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:14,295
do you like the yellow?
58
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,397
I do. Yes.
59
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,633
Promise?
60
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:20,868
Yes, I promise.
61
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,639
Hey. How are you?
62
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:28,942
Uh, Jeff Nichols.
I'm here for the interview.
63
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:32,012
Just sit down
with the others.
64
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,347
[Jeff]
Fuck!
65
00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:42,656
I'll be right back.
66
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:45,459
Jesus Christ. Relax.
67
00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:55,102
Do you think this shirt
looks good on me?
68
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:57,305
It looks fine.
69
00:03:57,405 --> 00:04:00,708
It's not too noticeable,
is it?
70
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:03,043
Why would it be?
71
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,346
Because it's yellow.
72
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,349
- No. I didn't even notice.
- [zip]
73
00:04:08,449 --> 00:04:11,352
- Thanks, man.
- [urinal flushes]
74
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,326
He's right.
75
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:21,829
Work it to own it
because you're in it
to win it.
76
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,931
[man]
Cathy, would you be a doll
77
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,899
and send in
the next interviewee?
78
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,635
- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks.
79
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:31,372
Would the gentleman
in the yellow shirt
come up here?
80
00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:42,883
[Jeff narrating]
Before Mommy found out
about the job interview,
81
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,352
I wanted to make her proud.
82
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,920
Fucking idiot!
83
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,456
I hate you!
84
00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:51,024
I just needed my stuff
on this boat to do it.
85
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,193
You watch!
If I can't land her a job,
86
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,363
I'm going to land her a fish!
87
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,699
The only thing
that makes me feel good,
88
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,969
that lifts me up
and tells me that I'm worthy
89
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:04,438
is when I catch a fish.
90
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,273
Nothing's like it.
91
00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:08,876
Nothing makes you
feel better.
92
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,811
Mommy! Mommy!
93
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:14,147
What is it, sweetie?
Did you catch one?
94
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:15,416
Yeah.
95
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:20,220
Here, let me get it.
Your first fish.
96
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:23,757
Look at that!
Should we let him go?
97
00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:25,993
- Yeah.
- Okay.
98
00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,296
You want to say
goodbye?
99
00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:31,432
- Bye.
- Goodbye, Mr. Fish.
100
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,000
Go on.
Go away.
101
00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:36,437
Jeff, I'm so proud of you.
102
00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:41,475
[Mommy]
Do you like fishing?
Do you want to fish some more?
103
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:44,011
- Yeah.
- You're my hero, sweetie.
104
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:46,246
[Mommy]
That was the biggest fish
I've ever seen.
105
00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:48,949
You are really
a great fisherman.
106
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:51,952
[bell clanging]
107
00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:55,255
[train horn blaring]
108
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:56,924
[tires screech]
109
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,492
[screams]
110
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,497
[panting]
111
00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:06,834
Oh, thank God!
Thank God!
112
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:20,347
* Isn't there a white knight
upon a fiery steed *
113
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:22,516
* Late at night
I toss and I turn *
114
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,819
* And I dream of what I need
115
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,088
* I need a hero
116
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:32,292
* I'm holding out for at hero
'til the end of the night *
117
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:35,496
* He's gotta be strong
and he's gotta be fast *
118
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:38,566
* And he's gotta be fresh
from the fight
119
00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:41,168
* I need a hero
120
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:45,105
* I'm holding out for a hero
'til the morning light *
Whoo!
121
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:48,308
* He's gotta be sure
and it's gotta be soon *
122
00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:51,311
* And he's gotta be
larger than life *
123
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:54,582
* Larger than life *
124
00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:00,488
Whoo!
125
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:03,123
Yeah, baby! Whoo-hoo!
126
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,392
Yeah, Mama,
I got your fish!
127
00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:09,096
Whoo-hoo! I'm gonna
make you proud, Mama!
128
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:12,700
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!
129
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:16,904
* I need a hero
130
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:23,711
[panting]
131
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:27,581
Yeah! Hah!
132
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:31,985
[panting]
133
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:40,961
This makes things
a whole lot better.
134
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,934
Mother of God!
135
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:51,872
When the Coast Guard gets here,
you tell them you saw a woman,
and she ran that way.
136
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:55,042
You're cool, guys.
Stay true to yourselves.
137
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,044
What an idiot.
138
00:07:57,144 --> 00:08:00,648
I don't remember
how I got back to the city,
139
00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:03,651
but I know I got mugged.
140
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:08,388
By some miracle,
I made it home.
141
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,057
He doesn't. You're right.
142
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:12,459
Well, I almost made it home.
143
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,062
Well, as long as it
makes him happy.
144
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,764
Fine with me.
145
00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:19,299
[Jeff groans]
146
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:21,869
Oh, my God.
147
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,671
Oh, my God!
148
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:25,973
- Jeff.
- Morning.
149
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:29,242
Jeff. Oh, sweetie!
150
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,579
- Are you okay?
- Mommy.
151
00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,446
Oh, sweetie,
what did you do?
152
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:35,583
I don't think
I got the job, Mommy.
153
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,685
But you know
what still bugs me?
154
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:40,153
I submit as a fact that
the single hardest thing
155
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,956
for a person with learning
disabilities like mine to do
156
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,424
is to captain a boat.
157
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,594
There's so many things
to take care of.
158
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:49,429
You got the electrical system,
159
00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:51,231
you got the hull, the lines,
160
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,433
the radio, the paint,
the weather.
161
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,435
It's endless!
162
00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:57,971
I don't want to blame Mike
for letting me use his boat,
163
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,608
but I will say that he didn't
show the best judgment either.
164
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:04,011
- Then there's my mom,
- You're deflecting, man.
165
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:06,446
Hey, come on,
no cross talk.
166
00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:09,282
Some might call it deflecting,
some might call it fact.
167
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,451
I've identified
the enemy, details.
168
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,286
[timer ringing]
169
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:16,724
I'm sorry. If everybody's gonna
get a chance to share tonight,
170
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:18,726
we need to limit the sharing
to five minutes.
171
00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:22,129
I didn't get to say
what I wanted to say.
172
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:25,633
What do you want to say?
173
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:27,000
Isn't it hot in here?
174
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,636
What do you say we vote
to turn down the heat?
175
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:30,971
Please. Just hurry up,
finish your share.
176
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,973
But I can't with
all this pressure!
177
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,507
Then shut the fuck up!
178
00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,476
Hey, come on! No acting out!
179
00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:39,647
Well, then tell this asshole
to shut the fuck up
180
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,982
and let somebody else speak!
181
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:45,218
I am detoxifying here, man!
182
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:52,660
And what he's saying,
he's got me so confused
I think I'm gonna fucking snap!
183
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,798
Thanks for letting me share.
184
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:02,402
Hi. My name is Jeff,
and I'm an alcoholic.
185
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,604
[women]
Hi, Jeff.
186
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,306
What I've been
trying to say...
187
00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:10,310
is that I don't want to
blame it on the program.
188
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:13,546
But I've spent almost a decade
189
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:17,084
thinking that the most
important thing in my life
is staying sober
190
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:21,221
while everyone else I know has
gone on to do great things
with their lives.
191
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:25,092
And all I do is sneak into
gyms and substitute teach
on the side,
192
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,293
not that I'm bad at it.
193
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:29,529
I'm actually pretty good.
194
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,165
I just don't find it
fulfilling.
195
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:36,336
[kids screaming]
196
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,678
All right!
Fuck geography!
197
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:48,181
Let's play Simon says!
Simon says do this!
198
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:51,118
I... love... school!
199
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:54,121
Books... are... good!
200
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,690
Reading... is... good!
201
00:10:56,790 --> 00:11:00,728
You! You, you're out,
you're out. Seriously.
202
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:08,235
I'm...
203
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:13,240
I'm alone all the time.
204
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:16,176
It hurts to feel lonely.
205
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,779
And I'm ashamed to admit it,
206
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,580
but I've been avoiding
calling Lenny,
207
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:23,650
the guy I'm mentoring
for over a week now.
208
00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:26,186
I think at the Serene Horizon
meeting on Thursday
209
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:29,389
I'm just going to have
to cut Lenny loose.
210
00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:32,760
I know I should be trying
to help him for my benefit
as well as his,
211
00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:37,397
but I just don't have
the strength right now.
212
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,767
You see,
my Tourette's Syndrome
213
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:44,271
has been creating
a real shit-storm lately.
214
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:47,775
For hours during the night,
I've involuntarily been playing
215
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:51,178
a game of fantasy basketball
in my head.
216
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:05,558
This ain't no game, man!
217
00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:09,529
That's a foul!
218
00:12:09,797 --> 00:12:11,498
I love you, Jeff!
219
00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:13,466
[blows whistle]
220
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:17,805
Pushing!
221
00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,372
What?
222
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:20,941
It's debilitating.
223
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:23,676
What? That's not a foul!
224
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,813
I'll show you a foul!
225
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:27,380
I'll fuckin' kill you, Ref!
226
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,716
Hoo! You're out of here!
227
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:32,319
Oh, my God!
They're clearing the benches!
228
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:35,923
[speaking Spanish]
229
00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:39,392
[man]
Motherfucker, I told you
to quit clapping!
230
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:42,830
Sorry. I'll turn
the TV down.
231
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:52,906
Since I was very young,
232
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:55,442
I've always had
the same dream.
233
00:12:56,977 --> 00:13:00,547
[female voice]
Jeff? Jeff?
234
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,349
Yes, you.
235
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:06,854
Your job is to put
the red balls in the red bin
236
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:10,223
and to put the yellow balls
in the yellow bin
237
00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:13,961
and to put the blue balls
in the blue bin.
238
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:15,228
Got it?
239
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:17,330
- Yup.
- Good.
240
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,211
Yay, Jeff!
241
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,046
Good!
242
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,085
Good job, sweetie!
243
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,454
You are so good at this!
244
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,390
[Jeff]
It's a simple dream.
245
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,926
And all the details go away.
246
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,895
It comforts me.
247
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:49,729
Thanks for letting me share.
248
00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:52,532
- Thanks, Jeff.
- Thanks, Jeff.
249
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:54,301
That was
a great share, Jeff.
250
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:57,337
So your message is
just to keep it simple?
251
00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:59,439
Yeah.
252
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:03,443
What did you think of the famous
Serene Horizon meeting?
Did you share?
253
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:06,579
Yeah, I shared.
Jeff, weren't you
listening?
254
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:10,817
Yeah, I was.
How you doing, man?
255
00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:12,752
Well, it's been tough
this past two weeks,
256
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,755
not drinking and losing
my job over at Con-Ed
257
00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:16,924
'cause I really
loved that.
258
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:18,758
It's the only thing
I cared about.
259
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,928
And I'm lonely.
260
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:24,297
I'm so lonely.
I haven't touched a woman
in three months.
261
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:29,002
Well, I got a message for you--
masturbation helps.
262
00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:32,805
- I need another meeting.
- That's a good idea.
263
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,507
Why don't you call me
if you have any problems?
264
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:35,842
Your phone's disconnected.
265
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:38,245
It'll be connected soon.
I promise.
266
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:42,315
Why don't I just
give you my address
and you come over sometime?
267
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:45,953
I think that'll be best.
I live in an SRO.
It's really crowded.
268
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:47,587
As a matter of fact
they let me have a roommate,
it's so crowded.
269
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:48,956
He moved out
'cause of my drinking.
270
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:51,058
Lenny, why don't I
call you, okay?
271
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:54,027
I'm really in a state
right now, okay?
272
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:56,796
I told you, man.
I've been in ten years,
273
00:14:56,964 --> 00:15:02,435
but I'm really not qualified
to help you, okay?
274
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:06,773
Here. Just write it down.
275
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,475
Great.
276
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:16,316
I think it'd be great
if you come over sometime.
277
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:17,817
Take care, man.
278
00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:19,486
- Don't drink.
- All right.
279
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:23,991
Hi. Excuse me.
280
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:26,994
Hi. I'm sorry that
I forgot the donuts.
281
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,861
Oh, no, that wasn't--
282
00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:33,000
No, I just-- I actually wanted
to ask you a question.
283
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:36,003
Maybe we can talk about it
over coffee.
284
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:38,005
Well, I've had about
six cups already,
285
00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:40,040
but if you want
to grab another one--
286
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:43,843
You know, I don't
really like coffee.
287
00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:46,446
Why don't we just
go to my place?
288
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,821
Sure.
289
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:57,090
[woman moans]
290
00:15:57,190 --> 00:16:00,427
Oh, Jeff. Oh, yeah.
291
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:03,096
[moaning continues]
292
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:05,098
Yep.
293
00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:08,035
Thanks.
294
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:13,506
Okay.
295
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:18,045
- Do you want one?
- No.
296
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:33,126
[sighs]
297
00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:36,596
Lynn Brody.
298
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:40,433
I thought you said
your name was Ferguson.
299
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:41,734
It is Ferguson.
300
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,404
My fiancé's last name
is Brody.
301
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:48,841
Fiancé?
Should I be worried?
302
00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,077
No.
303
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,944
No. He's in Dubai.
304
00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:54,681
He's gone three weeks
out of the month
on business.
305
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:57,217
This is his apartment.
306
00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:02,089
It's very neat.
Almost intimidating.
307
00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:05,692
That's Terry.
He's very particular.
308
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:08,195
I wasn't doing so well
when I first met him.
309
00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:13,100
So if I can go for two years
without acting out,
he'll marry me.
310
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,934
I don't have to work
or anything.
311
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:17,837
I just have to go to meetings
and try not to screw up.
312
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:20,940
Is this a screw-up?
313
00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:24,911
Probably, but I think
I can cover your tracks.
314
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,647
Oh, good.
315
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:30,150
[coughs]
Why are you marrying him?
316
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:33,653
[sighs]
I don't know.
317
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:37,157
He takes care of me.
Is that wrong?
318
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,992
No, not at all.
319
00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:43,330
I have a very similar
relationship with my mommy.
320
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:51,638
Since I already
broke one rule,
321
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:54,807
do you mind
if I break another?
322
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:58,645
Sex? More sex?
323
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,280
Are you ready for that?
324
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,251
I could use another hour.
325
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,253
No. It's something else.
326
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,355
- Sure.
- Okay.
327
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:13,626
Okay, this is really weird.
It's not my passion or anything,
328
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:17,164
but it's just something that I
like to do, and Terry hates it.
329
00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:19,166
[chuckles]
330
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,668
- Don't worry.
- Okay.
331
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:22,969
Ready?
332
00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:25,572
- Yep.
- You sure?
333
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:28,475
- Yes.
- Okay.
334
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:30,777
Here I come.
335
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:33,880
** [humming]
336
00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,187
* Another night
the stars are bright *
337
00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:42,589
* But I know things
just aren't quite right *
338
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:46,826
* I'm sad and blue
339
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:48,295
* Oh, please, Mr. Moon
340
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:50,697
* Oh, won't you
bring to me soon *
341
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:54,867
* A love that's oh, so true
342
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,670
* Got a whole lotta love
in my heart *
343
00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:02,309
* But no one to give it to
344
00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:05,878
* Waiting for you
345
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:10,950
* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when you
gonna come on through? *
346
00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:13,553
* Waiting for you *
347
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:18,291
* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when you
gonna come on through? *
348
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:21,228
Wow. Wow.
349
00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:23,029
- That was amazing.
- You liked it?
350
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:25,232
Yeah.
351
00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:27,934
I learned it in
my song and dance class.
352
00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:31,070
I don't know what to say.
That was amazing.
353
00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:33,306
Terry is the luckiest guy
I've ever heard of.
354
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:35,242
Why wouldn't he like that?
355
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,510
And what the fuck
is he doing in Dubai?
356
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:41,248
It's not like you're
a pole dancer or anything.
357
00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:49,055
Jeff, there's something
I-I should tell you.
358
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:50,723
Okay.
359
00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:55,127
But I don't want to.
360
00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:57,697
I just want you to know
that I'm...
361
00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,267
bent, not broken.
362
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,336
Broken's cool, too.
363
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:09,642
I like you.
364
00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,711
You're funny.
365
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,746
You should be a comedian.
366
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,348
- Really? You think so?
- Yeah. Yeah.
367
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,116
It's interesting
that you say that
368
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:18,718
because I've been told by
a certain authority figure
369
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,353
that I have a good
stage presence.
370
00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:21,921
Commanding, even.
371
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:24,757
My stepdad got me a spot
on the Luggage Channel once.
372
00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:27,059
Did you see it?
373
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:28,395
No.
374
00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:32,732
Well, maybe they'll
show a rerun someday.
375
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,667
I'm sure you were great.
376
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,804
I mean, I love your shares.
377
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,239
They make me feel better
about myself.
378
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:44,777
I should go.
I'm sorry.
379
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:47,714
Oh, Jeff, I didn't
mean it like that.
380
00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:50,683
- No!
- That was so insensitive.
I didn't mean that.
381
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:52,719
No, no, it's okay.
382
00:20:52,819 --> 00:20:58,425
I haven't been with a woman
in a long time, and, uh,
383
00:20:58,525 --> 00:21:03,463
you're beautiful
and intelligent
and really amazing.
384
00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:08,000
And to be perfectly honest,
you're just too good for me.
385
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:11,371
I can see that.
You will, too, soon, so...
386
00:21:11,471 --> 00:21:15,442
I'm just gonna
get my stuff and go.
387
00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:17,477
I'm pretty sure
that you're not gonna
wanna see me again.
388
00:21:17,577 --> 00:21:19,746
That's fine.
389
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:23,983
If you don't want me to go
to the Serene Horizon meeting,
that's okay.
390
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:27,387
- 'Cause there are plenty of
meetings for me to go to.
- Jeff...
391
00:21:27,487 --> 00:21:30,357
- Don't worry.
- Oh, my God.
392
00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:33,225
What?
393
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,094
W-What is--
Is that blood?
394
00:21:35,362 --> 00:21:37,964
Are you bleeding?
395
00:21:42,369 --> 00:21:43,836
Uh-oh.
396
00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:45,972
That's not...
397
00:21:47,073 --> 00:21:50,076
I-I have no idea
what that is.
398
00:21:52,379 --> 00:21:54,414
[sniffs]
Ohh...
399
00:22:01,588 --> 00:22:03,556
It could be yours.
400
00:22:10,497 --> 00:22:14,401
I'll leave my number
in the kitchen.
401
00:22:19,606 --> 00:22:21,408
Damn it.
402
00:22:25,144 --> 00:22:30,149
I don't know what to say.
I-- I was so nervous.
403
00:22:30,417 --> 00:22:32,519
Drank a lot coffee.
404
00:22:32,619 --> 00:22:33,953
And she was on top.
405
00:22:34,053 --> 00:22:36,756
[laughter]
406
00:22:36,856 --> 00:22:40,460
Yeah, I guess it's pretty funny
that I squirted in her bed.
407
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:42,429
[chuckling]
408
00:22:42,495 --> 00:22:44,764
That is, until you realize
this was the first girl
that I've kissed
409
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:47,434
in three years.
410
00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:56,443
When she said
"bent not broken,"
411
00:22:56,476 --> 00:22:59,446
it felt so good
to hear that.
412
00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:04,651
That was the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
413
00:23:07,654 --> 00:23:11,357
Well, I had to get
that off my chest.
414
00:23:11,458 --> 00:23:13,092
Thanks for
letting me share.
415
00:23:13,192 --> 00:23:15,528
[all]
Thanks, Jeff.
416
00:23:17,096 --> 00:23:21,067
[foreign language]
417
00:23:26,205 --> 00:23:27,974
Samy, what's going on?
418
00:23:28,074 --> 00:23:29,341
You're out!
419
00:23:29,476 --> 00:23:31,478
I told you no clap!
You continue to clap!
420
00:23:31,544 --> 00:23:34,547
- What are you talking about?
- You clap all night long!
421
00:23:34,647 --> 00:23:36,483
Hah hah hah hah hah!
422
00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:38,551
The neighbors complain.
I can't take it anymore!
423
00:23:38,651 --> 00:23:41,153
This is illegal.
You gotta give me
an eviction notice.
424
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:43,790
- I give you three!
- Well, I haven't received one.
425
00:23:43,890 --> 00:23:46,859
Here. Look.
426
00:23:46,959 --> 00:23:49,095
What?
427
00:23:51,498 --> 00:23:53,600
Well, they were
hidden in the menus.
428
00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:56,703
I don't care.
You're out. Right now.
429
00:24:02,975 --> 00:24:05,111
Whoa.
430
00:24:05,211 --> 00:24:07,013
You did a nice job
of organizing that.
431
00:24:07,113 --> 00:24:08,515
Huh?
432
00:24:08,581 --> 00:24:10,382
I said you did a nice job
of organizing that.
433
00:24:10,517 --> 00:24:15,522
The way you
separated the trash bags
and hung your bike helmet,
434
00:24:15,622 --> 00:24:17,089
it's impressive.
435
00:24:23,530 --> 00:24:26,298
Do I know you from
the shelter on 151st?
436
00:24:26,566 --> 00:24:28,234
No.
437
00:24:28,334 --> 00:24:31,538
I'm sorry. I'm not homeless.
I'm just moving.
438
00:24:31,638 --> 00:24:34,974
[laughs]
Me, too, bub.
439
00:24:36,108 --> 00:24:37,577
Have a taste.
440
00:24:37,677 --> 00:24:38,911
Nah. I don't drink.
441
00:24:39,011 --> 00:24:40,580
That's cool.
442
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:43,082
Just moving. Good one.
443
00:24:48,621 --> 00:24:50,590
Hey, Lenny,
I'm borrowing your soap.
444
00:24:50,690 --> 00:24:52,424
[Lenny shouts]
When you're done,
rinse it off.
445
00:24:52,559 --> 00:24:55,562
I don't want any
ball hairs on it!
446
00:24:56,596 --> 00:24:58,565
[knocks]
447
00:25:00,232 --> 00:25:01,668
Hey!
448
00:25:01,768 --> 00:25:04,070
- Hey.
- Hey, hey!
449
00:25:04,170 --> 00:25:05,972
Thanks for
letting me stay here.
450
00:25:06,072 --> 00:25:08,274
Sure. Come on in.
451
00:25:08,575 --> 00:25:10,142
All right.
452
00:25:10,242 --> 00:25:11,978
Whoa.
453
00:25:12,078 --> 00:25:13,212
I get the top bunk bed,
right?
454
00:25:13,312 --> 00:25:14,747
Top bunk's yours.
455
00:25:16,048 --> 00:25:19,151
You know, I, uh...
456
00:25:19,251 --> 00:25:22,589
I never really kissed a girl
until I was 25.
457
00:25:22,655 --> 00:25:24,591
Oh. Really?
458
00:25:24,691 --> 00:25:29,095
I mean, I had sex
before that with a girl
in a massage parlor.
459
00:25:29,195 --> 00:25:32,464
But I'd never kissed a girl.
460
00:25:32,599 --> 00:25:34,634
It was kind of weird,
you know.
461
00:25:34,734 --> 00:25:36,703
I used to think
I was gay.
462
00:25:36,803 --> 00:25:39,939
Oh. There was a time
when everyone thought
that I was gay.
463
00:25:40,039 --> 00:25:41,608
Really?
464
00:25:41,674 --> 00:25:44,611
Yeah. It was right around
when my mommy married Mike.
465
00:25:44,677 --> 00:25:46,613
Mommy?
466
00:25:46,679 --> 00:25:49,048
He worked in the city,
so we'd stay in his apartment
during the week,
467
00:25:49,148 --> 00:25:54,721
and then at his house
on the weekends
in Westchester.
468
00:25:54,821 --> 00:25:57,957
The change scared me.
469
00:25:58,057 --> 00:26:02,094
So Mike bought me
a giant stuffed puma
to make me feel better.
470
00:26:03,696 --> 00:26:05,665
[laughs]
471
00:26:05,765 --> 00:26:09,235
Oh, look.
He just loves
that puma.
472
00:26:09,335 --> 00:26:11,971
Wow! He's so big...
473
00:26:12,071 --> 00:26:13,973
and lifelike.
474
00:26:14,073 --> 00:26:16,108
[Mommy laughs]
475
00:26:16,208 --> 00:26:19,145
I-I named it after a girl
I had a crush on.
476
00:26:19,245 --> 00:26:21,513
Her name was Scotty.
477
00:26:21,648 --> 00:26:25,251
Okay, Scotty, we're gonna play
a little game called "I win".
478
00:26:30,757 --> 00:26:32,358
Gotcha!
479
00:26:33,660 --> 00:26:38,064
Scotty, are you okay?
Scotty?
480
00:26:38,164 --> 00:26:39,231
I'm just kidding.
481
00:26:39,331 --> 00:26:41,668
I would never hurt you.
482
00:26:41,768 --> 00:26:43,069
Got you again!
483
00:26:43,169 --> 00:26:46,005
[grunting]
484
00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:51,043
That puma was my best friend.
He was my only friend.
485
00:26:52,478 --> 00:26:54,781
So I guess my mommy
thought I was a little weird
486
00:26:54,881 --> 00:26:58,484
that I was spending
so much time with a puma.
487
00:26:58,685 --> 00:27:01,187
[Mommy]
Jeff?
488
00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:02,755
Where are you, sweetie?
489
00:27:05,257 --> 00:27:07,393
Jeff?
490
00:27:10,697 --> 00:27:11,864
Jeff?
491
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:17,303
Jeff, are you in there,
sweetie?
492
00:27:34,721 --> 00:27:36,723
Scotty.
493
00:27:36,789 --> 00:27:40,192
There's nothing wrong with what
happened between you and Scotty.
494
00:27:40,292 --> 00:27:42,729
It's okay.
495
00:27:42,795 --> 00:27:45,732
It's okay to be gay.
496
00:27:45,798 --> 00:27:50,136
But, Mommy, I'm not gay.
Scotty's a girl.
497
00:27:50,236 --> 00:27:52,238
But Scotty's a boy's name.
498
00:27:52,338 --> 00:27:53,505
No.
499
00:27:53,740 --> 00:27:55,207
She's a girl.
500
00:27:55,307 --> 00:27:57,376
Okay, whatever you say, sweetie,
501
00:27:57,476 --> 00:28:03,750
but I think it's best if
Scotty goes to puma heaven.
502
00:28:03,783 --> 00:28:07,153
Why, Mommy? I mean,
Scotty's my only friend.
503
00:28:07,253 --> 00:28:08,620
Sweetie,
if Scotty were your friend,
504
00:28:08,755 --> 00:28:10,589
you wouldn't stick
your penis inside of him.
505
00:28:10,823 --> 00:28:13,225
Please! Mommy!
506
00:28:13,325 --> 00:28:15,361
- It's not true!
- Sweetie, I'm sorry.
507
00:28:15,461 --> 00:28:20,232
She's my friend!
She's a girl!
508
00:28:20,332 --> 00:28:21,868
Here, just give me
the puma, sweetie.
509
00:28:21,968 --> 00:28:25,838
- I wouldn't do that to her.
- There you go.
510
00:28:25,938 --> 00:28:28,775
- It's okay, sweetie.
- Okay, Scotty, let's go.
511
00:28:28,841 --> 00:28:31,778
It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay. I'm sorry.
512
00:28:31,844 --> 00:28:33,780
It's okay.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
513
00:28:33,846 --> 00:28:38,785
The saddest thing is that
now that my-my confidence
514
00:28:38,851 --> 00:28:41,788
is so severely crippled because
of my learning disabilities,
515
00:28:41,854 --> 00:28:46,092
and my balls are sagging so low
that I tuck them into my sock,
516
00:28:46,192 --> 00:28:48,127
I look back at the whole thing,
I just wish to hell
517
00:28:48,227 --> 00:28:50,662
that I'd fucked the shit
out of that puma, you know?
518
00:28:50,797 --> 00:28:52,799
Gay or straight.
I don't give a shit.
519
00:28:55,001 --> 00:28:56,702
You know what I mean?
520
00:28:56,803 --> 00:29:01,373
That's the fuckin' weirdest
story I've ever heard.
521
00:29:01,473 --> 00:29:04,811
But it makes me feel better
because nothing like that
ever happened to me.
522
00:29:04,911 --> 00:29:08,280
Yeah, well, I'm glad
I could help.
523
00:29:08,380 --> 00:29:12,852
Is that like a furry tail
I see sticking out
from the bed?
524
00:29:12,952 --> 00:29:14,386
You got a puma up there?
525
00:29:14,486 --> 00:29:15,387
Fuck you, man.
526
00:29:15,487 --> 00:29:17,656
You're funny, Jeff.
527
00:29:17,824 --> 00:29:20,927
- You're funny.
- [woman moans]
528
00:29:21,027 --> 00:29:23,662
The walk of shame.
529
00:29:23,830 --> 00:29:26,165
Headed home from a meeting
on a Friday night.
530
00:29:26,265 --> 00:29:28,667
College girls, bars,
531
00:29:28,835 --> 00:29:32,338
all the booze in the world
and not a drop to drink.
532
00:29:32,438 --> 00:29:34,740
- How's your coffee?
- Good.
533
00:29:34,841 --> 00:29:40,112
I put some cinnamon in it
to make it less bitter.
534
00:29:40,212 --> 00:29:41,881
Do you mix it in?
535
00:29:41,981 --> 00:29:43,850
No. It's just on top.
536
00:29:43,883 --> 00:29:46,685
I recently switched back
from skim to whole.
537
00:29:46,853 --> 00:29:49,188
There's really no comparison
between the two.
538
00:29:49,288 --> 00:29:50,689
What about the calories?
539
00:29:50,857 --> 00:29:54,360
Fuck those calories.
I use a lot of sugar anyway.
540
00:29:54,460 --> 00:29:56,929
You are a madman, Jeff.
541
00:29:57,029 --> 00:29:58,898
Yeah.
542
00:30:01,934 --> 00:30:04,703
[wolf whistle]
543
00:30:04,937 --> 00:30:06,705
Whoa. Lenny.
544
00:30:06,906 --> 00:30:08,374
You want to go in?
545
00:30:08,474 --> 00:30:10,242
It's a bar.
546
00:30:10,342 --> 00:30:12,311
It's a comedy club.
Open mic night.
547
00:30:12,411 --> 00:30:14,746
- They serve drinks
in there, Jeff.
- Yeah, I know.
548
00:30:14,847 --> 00:30:18,250
I shouldn't go into a place
where they serve alcohol.
You know what they say.
549
00:30:18,350 --> 00:30:21,220
If you're gonna hang out
in a barbershop, you're
bound to get a haircut.
550
00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:26,625
Besides I thought
stand-up comedy was
like the new karaoke.
551
00:30:26,825 --> 00:30:27,994
You ever do karaoke?
552
00:30:28,094 --> 00:30:30,863
Yeah, all the time
when I was fucked up.
553
00:30:30,963 --> 00:30:34,433
Oh, man. I can't
do karaoke anymore.
554
00:30:34,533 --> 00:30:36,402
I hadn't even
considered that.
555
00:30:36,502 --> 00:30:39,471
That's gonna be
a tough one to give up.
That's gonna suck.
556
00:30:39,571 --> 00:30:43,809
I used to love
to get hammered and
just sing my heart out.
557
00:30:43,910 --> 00:30:45,777
I'd even start
bawling, man.
558
00:30:45,878 --> 00:30:48,114
It was fuckin'
beautiful.
559
00:30:50,616 --> 00:30:52,952
How the hell am I supposed
to break into comedy?
560
00:30:53,052 --> 00:30:55,321
I don't know.
Get a comedy how-to book.
561
00:30:55,421 --> 00:30:57,623
They gotta have 'em.
562
00:30:57,723 --> 00:31:02,528
Lenny, I'd don't know
if I told you this,
but I have dyslexia, okay?
563
00:31:02,628 --> 00:31:04,931
I can barely read.
564
00:31:04,964 --> 00:31:07,299
Speaking of which, did you
go the library reading
I told you about?
565
00:31:07,399 --> 00:31:09,001
Yeah, and guess
who I saw there.
566
00:31:09,101 --> 00:31:10,369
Lynn?
567
00:31:10,469 --> 00:31:13,039
[women shouting]
Suck, suck, suck, suck!
568
00:31:13,139 --> 00:31:16,976
Suck, suck, suck, suck!
Suck, suck, suck, suck!
569
00:31:19,946 --> 00:31:22,148
I got to get to
another meeting.
570
00:31:25,184 --> 00:31:27,053
Don't drink!
571
00:31:30,589 --> 00:31:33,960
Lynn's comment about being
a comedian really hit home.
572
00:31:34,026 --> 00:31:38,064
I've got good stage presence.
Some say commanding.
573
00:31:38,164 --> 00:31:40,967
And the next big question is...
574
00:31:41,033 --> 00:31:45,004
should I let this thing
with Lynn go?
575
00:31:45,104 --> 00:31:46,973
I wish you guys would tell me.
576
00:31:47,039 --> 00:31:51,110
If I shit in your bed,
would you give me
a second chance?
577
00:31:52,111 --> 00:31:53,079
Stick to pumas.
578
00:31:53,179 --> 00:31:55,614
[laughter]
579
00:31:58,617 --> 00:32:00,719
Scotty was a girl puma.
580
00:32:00,987 --> 00:32:03,055
She was my friend.
581
00:32:04,690 --> 00:32:06,492
That's not funny.
582
00:32:06,592 --> 00:32:09,628
You sure you said
you'd bring her
to the 3:30 meeting?
583
00:32:09,728 --> 00:32:13,499
For the 50th time, yeah.
584
00:32:15,101 --> 00:32:17,103
You know, this sobriety thing
is starting to work.
585
00:32:17,203 --> 00:32:19,005
I think I got a job.
586
00:32:19,071 --> 00:32:21,007
That's great.
That's really great.
587
00:32:21,073 --> 00:32:23,109
Listen, do you think
I'll look smart
588
00:32:23,209 --> 00:32:24,443
if she sees me with this?
589
00:32:24,543 --> 00:32:25,511
Absolutely.
590
00:32:25,611 --> 00:32:27,046
One regular coffee.
591
00:32:27,146 --> 00:32:31,117
One super mocha choco-latte
with extra whipped.
592
00:32:31,217 --> 00:32:32,618
That looks good.
593
00:32:32,718 --> 00:32:34,020
It's a little special treat
I'm giving myself
594
00:32:34,086 --> 00:32:37,523
for cracking my first book
in like ten years.
595
00:32:37,623 --> 00:32:40,626
Mm! Wow!
That's piping hot, too.
596
00:32:40,726 --> 00:32:42,228
You got it
all over your face.
597
00:32:43,495 --> 00:32:44,663
Wow.
598
00:32:47,599 --> 00:32:48,834
Missed some.
599
00:32:49,068 --> 00:32:51,037
Thanks.
600
00:32:51,070 --> 00:32:53,039
Okay. I'm gonna
strike a pose, okay?
601
00:32:53,105 --> 00:32:57,143
You just keep your eye out
for her. Just cough or
something when you see her.
602
00:32:57,243 --> 00:32:59,045
All right.
603
00:33:02,248 --> 00:33:04,250
[Jeff reads aloud]
604
00:33:14,060 --> 00:33:17,429
Ohh! Ohh!
605
00:33:17,529 --> 00:33:19,065
Ohhhh!
606
00:33:19,165 --> 00:33:23,069
[screaming continues]
607
00:33:25,271 --> 00:33:27,073
- Jeff!
- A rag, please.
608
00:33:27,173 --> 00:33:29,875
- What's going on?
- Here.
609
00:33:30,142 --> 00:33:31,510
Jeff.
610
00:33:31,610 --> 00:33:32,678
Hi, Lenny.
611
00:33:32,778 --> 00:33:34,713
Oh, hi.
612
00:33:36,615 --> 00:33:39,985
- Pour that in your lap.
- Okay.
613
00:33:40,086 --> 00:33:43,755
Ah. That feels good.
Yeah, that feels good,
614
00:33:43,855 --> 00:33:47,159
You know, I tried calling you,
but your phone got shut off.
615
00:33:47,259 --> 00:33:49,495
Yeah. I tried to get
in touch with you, too.
616
00:33:49,595 --> 00:33:51,097
If you need new sheets--
617
00:33:51,163 --> 00:33:53,699
It's all right.
618
00:33:53,799 --> 00:33:55,834
Put those teabags
on the burn.
619
00:33:56,102 --> 00:33:57,569
Okay.
620
00:33:58,570 --> 00:34:00,172
Ooh.
621
00:34:00,272 --> 00:34:03,109
That feels good.
It's a good trick.
622
00:34:03,175 --> 00:34:04,710
How did you learn
this stuff?
623
00:34:04,810 --> 00:34:06,845
Took a CPR
and home remedy class.
624
00:34:07,113 --> 00:34:08,847
You're gonna be fine.
625
00:34:09,115 --> 00:34:12,017
- [blows]
- Ooh.
626
00:34:12,118 --> 00:34:14,953
The burn doesn't really
look that bad at all.
627
00:34:15,121 --> 00:34:18,124
That's--
That's perfect.
628
00:34:18,190 --> 00:34:20,792
You want to get
a cup of coffee?
629
00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:23,629
I don't really like coffee.
630
00:34:23,729 --> 00:34:27,133
I wish we could
go back to my place,
but Terry's in town,
631
00:34:27,233 --> 00:34:29,201
He's leaving for Japan
tomorrow, though.
632
00:34:29,301 --> 00:34:33,805
Why don't you meet me at
the One-Day-At-A-Time Dance
on Thursday night?
633
00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:35,474
You know where it is,
right?
634
00:34:35,574 --> 00:34:37,143
Yeah.
635
00:34:37,243 --> 00:34:38,677
All right.
636
00:34:38,777 --> 00:34:41,247
Keep those bags pressed gently
for 20 more minutes.
637
00:34:41,347 --> 00:34:43,014
Okay.
638
00:34:43,149 --> 00:34:45,251
- Good to see you.
- Bye.
639
00:34:47,653 --> 00:34:49,721
Looks like
I shit myself again.
640
00:34:51,690 --> 00:34:53,825
* I'd still be...
641
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:57,629
If I had a bottle of Jack,
I'd let it rip.
642
00:34:57,729 --> 00:34:59,998
Well, just
get up there then.
643
00:35:00,166 --> 00:35:03,169
Yeah. Without being drunk.
Sure.
644
00:35:03,235 --> 00:35:06,004
Yeah. Just get up there
and rip it.
645
00:35:06,172 --> 00:35:08,174
Rip it. Rip it.
Just like that?
646
00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:10,176
Go up and rip it.
647
00:35:10,276 --> 00:35:11,310
Yep.
648
00:35:15,181 --> 00:35:17,816
Oh, man,
your girl's here.
649
00:35:17,916 --> 00:35:21,187
Shit. All right.
You know what?
650
00:35:21,253 --> 00:35:23,189
This one's for you.
I'm gonna rip it.
651
00:35:23,289 --> 00:35:25,191
Good luck. Here.
652
00:35:29,628 --> 00:35:32,298
Wow. You look beautiful.
653
00:35:38,770 --> 00:35:42,107
You want to dance
or sing a song?
654
00:35:42,208 --> 00:35:44,976
I don't sing or dance
in public.
655
00:35:45,211 --> 00:35:46,578
Right.
656
00:35:46,678 --> 00:35:48,614
[Jeff singing off-key]
657
00:35:48,714 --> 00:35:52,751
* Just rock me, baby
Rock me, baby, all night long *
658
00:35:52,851 --> 00:35:54,420
You want a cup of coffee?
659
00:35:58,224 --> 00:36:01,393
Why don't we just
go back to my place?
660
00:36:04,963 --> 00:36:07,699
[off-key singing continues]
661
00:36:09,235 --> 00:36:13,104
* I don't know
where we come from *
662
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:16,242
* Don't know
where we're going to *
663
00:36:25,984 --> 00:36:30,722
Before I left,
I told the doorman
that I called the plumber.
664
00:36:30,822 --> 00:36:32,057
Be the plumber.
665
00:36:32,324 --> 00:36:33,859
I will.
666
00:36:33,959 --> 00:36:36,161
* You can cut my hair
667
00:36:36,262 --> 00:36:38,264
* You can fill my cup
668
00:36:38,330 --> 00:36:39,865
[Doorman]
Good evening, Miss Brody.
669
00:36:39,965 --> 00:36:40,932
Hi.
670
00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:42,868
* You can make it up
671
00:36:42,968 --> 00:36:48,474
* We're gonna make it
after all *
672
00:36:50,376 --> 00:36:51,977
I'm the plumber.
673
00:36:52,077 --> 00:36:55,281
Swing this Travelmore bag
over your shoulder
674
00:36:55,347 --> 00:36:56,748
and hit the town.
675
00:36:56,848 --> 00:36:58,950
Its contemporary
no-hands design
676
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:01,387
is perfect for quick trips
or everyday use.
677
00:37:01,487 --> 00:37:03,289
That's not
how you hold a bag.
678
00:37:03,389 --> 00:37:05,391
Lynn, you gotta
look at this clown.
679
00:37:05,491 --> 00:37:09,395
He's got no stage presence
whatsoever.
680
00:37:09,495 --> 00:37:10,962
I hope you like Eggs Benedict.
681
00:37:11,062 --> 00:37:13,732
I made the Hollandaise sauce
from scratch.
682
00:37:13,832 --> 00:37:15,301
I don't know how good it is.
683
00:37:15,367 --> 00:37:17,769
I just learned how to make it
in my cooking class.
684
00:37:17,869 --> 00:37:19,305
It looks great.
685
00:37:19,405 --> 00:37:21,407
I made the plate, too.
686
00:37:21,507 --> 00:37:23,742
How come you're
so good at everything
in your classes?
687
00:37:23,842 --> 00:37:24,976
I don't know.
688
00:37:25,076 --> 00:37:26,945
I always was good
at stuff like that.
689
00:37:27,045 --> 00:37:31,216
You know, I used to be
a consultant. I have an MBA.
690
00:37:31,317 --> 00:37:33,319
Of course, I'm a CPA, as well.
691
00:37:33,385 --> 00:37:37,723
Jesus Christ, you're
intimidating the hell
out of me right now.
692
00:37:37,823 --> 00:37:39,325
Why don't you work?
693
00:37:39,391 --> 00:37:41,327
I don't know.
Fear, I guess.
694
00:37:41,393 --> 00:37:43,729
I wasn't doing that well
when I first got sober.
695
00:37:43,829 --> 00:37:47,833
I feel like I'm just keeping it
together right now, you know?
696
00:37:47,933 --> 00:37:51,870
Yeah, I hear you.
Holy shit!
697
00:37:52,904 --> 00:37:54,039
Whoa, man! Whoa!
698
00:37:55,507 --> 00:37:58,677
I'd sell my balls
for a boat like this.
699
00:37:58,777 --> 00:37:59,845
Or any boat,
for that matter.
700
00:37:59,945 --> 00:38:02,348
Well, you could probably
sell your car
701
00:38:02,414 --> 00:38:04,450
and get a dinghy.
702
00:38:04,550 --> 00:38:06,352
That's a good point.
703
00:38:06,452 --> 00:38:09,020
Aside from the fact
that my car's my mommy's,
704
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:12,458
buying a boat like this
is only half the battle.
705
00:38:12,558 --> 00:38:13,959
They're complicated.
706
00:38:14,059 --> 00:38:15,461
I've already sunk one.
707
00:38:15,561 --> 00:38:18,730
Oh.
708
00:38:18,830 --> 00:38:22,934
I hate to state the obvious,
Lynn, but Terry's a hell
of a lot older than you.
709
00:38:23,034 --> 00:38:25,371
I noticed denture cleaner
in the bathroom.
710
00:38:25,471 --> 00:38:26,838
He's got a bridge.
711
00:38:26,938 --> 00:38:29,107
He's European.
712
00:38:29,207 --> 00:38:31,276
- Do you find him attractive?
- I used to.
713
00:38:31,377 --> 00:38:34,380
But it wasn't about
his looks, you know?
714
00:38:34,446 --> 00:38:38,884
He makes me feel safe
and taken care of,
which I like.
715
00:38:38,984 --> 00:38:42,454
Of course,
he's a little bit uptight,
kind of controlling
716
00:38:42,554 --> 00:38:45,223
and a bit of a workaholic.
717
00:38:45,391 --> 00:38:49,160
You know, it's funny
I always pictured myself
with someone more creative,
718
00:38:49,395 --> 00:38:50,762
like a writer.
719
00:38:50,862 --> 00:38:54,265
God, that'd be cool,
right? A writer.
720
00:38:54,466 --> 00:38:56,468
I could be his muse.
721
00:38:57,903 --> 00:39:01,039
Well, maybe
you could be my muse.
722
00:39:01,139 --> 00:39:02,841
Oh, who does this asshole
think he is?
723
00:39:02,941 --> 00:39:05,444
John McEnroe?
724
00:39:06,912 --> 00:39:09,515
So, uh, you find writers
attractive?
725
00:39:09,615 --> 00:39:11,550
Yeah.
726
00:39:16,087 --> 00:39:17,423
I'm pretty sick
of this drive every day.
727
00:39:17,523 --> 00:39:20,258
Your first step
is to get organized.
728
00:39:20,426 --> 00:39:22,461
Sloppy thinking leads
to sloppy writing,
729
00:39:22,561 --> 00:39:26,164
so what you've got to do
is you've got to get
your head in order.
730
00:39:26,432 --> 00:39:27,433
[click]
731
00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:30,268
If you don't do
something impressive,
732
00:39:30,436 --> 00:39:31,937
Lynn's going to
dump your sorry ass.
733
00:39:32,037 --> 00:39:34,105
Keep your filthy tongue
off of her.
734
00:39:34,205 --> 00:39:36,141
Face it. You're
getting kind of old.
735
00:39:36,241 --> 00:39:38,444
You're not doing shit
with your life.
736
00:39:38,544 --> 00:39:40,446
Even bums
think you're homeless
737
00:39:40,512 --> 00:39:44,082
That guy was just
making an observation.
738
00:39:44,182 --> 00:39:45,884
Forget about him.
739
00:39:45,984 --> 00:39:48,053
He wouldn't say it if
there wasn't any truth to it.
740
00:39:48,153 --> 00:39:49,855
Look, that's pure speculation.
741
00:39:49,955 --> 00:39:52,958
Speculate on this:
Comedy is karaoke.
742
00:39:53,058 --> 00:39:54,460
Then what about writing?
743
00:39:55,894 --> 00:39:57,463
Writing?
744
00:39:57,563 --> 00:39:58,997
You can barely read.
745
00:40:00,466 --> 00:40:02,968
What do you--
What do you suggest I do, huh?
746
00:40:03,068 --> 00:40:04,770
Get drunk
and go gambling.
747
00:40:04,870 --> 00:40:06,104
How would I get the money?
748
00:40:06,204 --> 00:40:09,107
- [horn honks]
- [shouting]
749
00:40:09,207 --> 00:40:11,076
Get the ball!
Be a puma!
750
00:40:11,176 --> 00:40:13,078
What's wrong with you?
751
00:40:13,178 --> 00:40:17,449
Take it!
I don't wanna play anymore!
752
00:40:17,549 --> 00:40:18,917
Where's the ref!
753
00:40:19,017 --> 00:40:20,852
I'll take a hot dog.
754
00:40:20,952 --> 00:40:21,987
Hi, guys.
755
00:40:22,087 --> 00:40:24,990
[shouting continues]
756
00:40:25,090 --> 00:40:27,425
Get the ball! Get the ball!
Get the ball!
757
00:40:27,526 --> 00:40:29,260
- [horn honks]
- Yum! Hot dogs!
758
00:40:29,461 --> 00:40:30,596
I love hot dogs!
759
00:40:30,696 --> 00:40:33,699
[shouting]
760
00:40:34,700 --> 00:40:37,035
Hey, asshole!
761
00:40:37,135 --> 00:40:39,170
What the fuck
are you doing?
762
00:40:40,205 --> 00:40:42,073
So sorry, sorry, sir.
763
00:40:42,173 --> 00:40:43,475
I-It's my Tourette's.
764
00:40:43,575 --> 00:40:45,276
Get the fuck out
of the way, man!
765
00:40:45,511 --> 00:40:46,478
Okay.
766
00:40:46,578 --> 00:40:47,679
Dick!
767
00:40:50,649 --> 00:40:54,653
Got another red!
It'll be a minute, buddy!
768
00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:03,529
- Hi.
- Don't worry about
the doorman.
769
00:41:03,595 --> 00:41:06,598
I told him
you stuffed your toilet.
770
00:41:06,698 --> 00:41:09,367
Lynn, I need your advice.
771
00:41:09,535 --> 00:41:12,003
I've been thinking about
becoming a comedian
or a writer.
772
00:41:12,103 --> 00:41:14,540
I don't know which,
and since you're
attracted to both,
773
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:17,275
I could really
use your opinion,
774
00:41:17,543 --> 00:41:20,378
You want to be a writer now?
775
00:41:20,546 --> 00:41:23,014
Like I said,
I'm somewhat on the fence.
776
00:41:23,114 --> 00:41:24,950
Well, have you ever
written anything?
777
00:41:25,050 --> 00:41:26,552
See, that's the thing.
778
00:41:26,618 --> 00:41:28,987
I've been thinking
about becoming a writer
779
00:41:29,087 --> 00:41:31,056
or trying to be
a comedian.
780
00:41:31,156 --> 00:41:32,558
But I don't know.
I don't know.
781
00:41:32,591 --> 00:41:34,125
That's why I'm asking you
782
00:41:34,225 --> 00:41:35,594
because if you think
that I could be a writer,
783
00:41:35,694 --> 00:41:37,596
then I would try
to write something.
784
00:41:37,696 --> 00:41:40,566
If you think
I could be a comedian,
then I would try comedy.
785
00:41:40,599 --> 00:41:42,568
Am I not making
any sense here?
786
00:41:42,668 --> 00:41:44,435
Have you ever tried comedy?
787
00:41:44,570 --> 00:41:48,439
Please just choose one.
788
00:41:48,574 --> 00:41:50,576
If you don't think that
I could do either thing,
789
00:41:50,642 --> 00:41:52,911
then I could just be
a substitute teacher,
for the rest of my life,
790
00:41:53,011 --> 00:41:54,145
which I'm good at.
791
00:41:54,245 --> 00:41:56,147
Could you just
please choose one?
792
00:41:56,247 --> 00:41:57,683
You're not
getting the point.
793
00:41:57,783 --> 00:41:59,685
What point?
You haven't said anything.
794
00:41:59,785 --> 00:42:02,688
You could be Santa Claus.
795
00:42:09,695 --> 00:42:11,963
Did you just say
I could be Santa?
796
00:42:12,063 --> 00:42:13,398
You want my advice?
797
00:42:13,632 --> 00:42:15,266
Yes, please.
798
00:42:15,366 --> 00:42:19,671
Why don't you write a joke?
799
00:42:22,140 --> 00:42:24,009
That's a good idea.
800
00:42:24,109 --> 00:42:26,678
Thank you.
801
00:42:26,778 --> 00:42:30,949
You know,
I've been thinking a lot
about my current situation
802
00:42:31,049 --> 00:42:34,452
'cause to look at me,
you wouldn't know it,
803
00:42:34,620 --> 00:42:37,022
but I was actually once
well taken care of.
804
00:42:37,122 --> 00:42:40,225
My mommy and my stepfather
would takes us to fancy places
805
00:42:40,325 --> 00:42:42,527
like the Ritz, the Waldorf,
Four Seasons.
806
00:42:42,628 --> 00:42:45,731
The kind of places where
they have little chocolate
mints on the pillows.
807
00:42:45,831 --> 00:42:47,633
Bath salts. I used to eat
those things all the time.
808
00:42:47,699 --> 00:42:49,300
It's probably why I'm here.
I don't know.
809
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:53,138
Nice, clean 3,000 thread-counted
Egyptian cotton sheets.
810
00:42:53,238 --> 00:42:55,641
I used to order
a cheese plate,
811
00:42:55,707 --> 00:42:58,143
massage
and pay-per-view porno.
812
00:42:58,243 --> 00:42:59,645
All three at the same time.
813
00:42:59,711 --> 00:43:02,180
I used to call it
the Shiatsu Gouda Love Fest.
814
00:43:04,249 --> 00:43:05,751
Nothing. I got nothing.
815
00:43:05,851 --> 00:43:07,653
When I was 12 years old,
I used to play board games
816
00:43:07,719 --> 00:43:09,688
with my Ecuadorian nanny
named Jade.
817
00:43:10,722 --> 00:43:13,224
Oh, man.
This is embarrassing
818
00:43:13,324 --> 00:43:16,361
She'd play a little game called
"Pocket Pool" in my ball sack.
819
00:43:16,461 --> 00:43:18,664
If she won,
I'd give her a foot massage.
820
00:43:18,697 --> 00:43:20,666
She taught me how to drink.
She was 52.
821
00:43:20,766 --> 00:43:24,235
It was fun.
You know, we had good times.
822
00:43:25,837 --> 00:43:27,038
Wake up.
823
00:43:27,138 --> 00:43:28,674
- Fuck!
- [kicks trash can]
824
00:43:28,707 --> 00:43:32,678
Now I live in a filthy room
the size of a tiny closet
825
00:43:32,778 --> 00:43:34,145
with a huge man.
826
00:43:34,245 --> 00:43:36,181
Some people would call it
a shit box.
827
00:43:36,281 --> 00:43:37,315
Mommy would call it
an armoire.
828
00:43:37,415 --> 00:43:39,350
I don't know what that is.
829
00:43:39,450 --> 00:43:42,487
French? Spanish?
I know it's small.
830
00:43:42,688 --> 00:43:45,791
That's funny, right?
831
00:43:45,891 --> 00:43:47,592
And it's not even
my apartment.
832
00:43:47,693 --> 00:43:49,227
It belongs to the guy
I'm mentoring,
833
00:43:49,327 --> 00:43:52,163
the only person I'm supposed
to be taking care of.
834
00:43:52,263 --> 00:43:53,799
But you know what?
835
00:43:53,899 --> 00:43:56,567
There's a lot of benefits
to living in a dump like I do.
836
00:43:56,702 --> 00:43:59,771
For example, can anyone here
claim to have tamed a rat?
837
00:43:59,871 --> 00:44:03,709
[laughter]
838
00:44:05,711 --> 00:44:07,713
Hey, does anyone else
want to share?
839
00:44:07,779 --> 00:44:12,117
Why? It's perfect!
[laughs]
840
00:44:12,217 --> 00:44:13,752
Oh, fuck.
841
00:44:13,852 --> 00:44:15,821
That's another one
of Mike's buildings.
842
00:44:15,921 --> 00:44:18,423
We used to live there
during the week.
843
00:44:18,523 --> 00:44:21,059
Yeah, I was the Prince
of Park Avenue then.
844
00:44:21,159 --> 00:44:22,728
Wow.
845
00:44:22,794 --> 00:44:24,730
You want to
go inside?
846
00:44:24,796 --> 00:44:27,298
Not allowed.
Had a problem with the tub.
847
00:44:27,398 --> 00:44:32,871
Okay. Why don't you
show me something
that's special to you?
848
00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:37,542
Want me to show you
how to sneak into a gym?
849
00:44:37,776 --> 00:44:38,744
Yeah.
850
00:44:38,810 --> 00:44:41,212
All right.
You're awesome.
851
00:44:45,150 --> 00:44:46,084
Watch this.
852
00:44:46,184 --> 00:44:48,820
Hey, Jeff!
853
00:44:54,292 --> 00:44:55,861
* Hey, love
854
00:44:55,961 --> 00:45:00,331
* I'm ready to be heartbroken
855
00:45:00,431 --> 00:45:02,768
Come back here, dick!
856
00:45:10,942 --> 00:45:13,879
[laughing]
857
00:45:13,979 --> 00:45:15,313
Whoa!
858
00:45:15,413 --> 00:45:17,248
Just kidding.
859
00:45:18,416 --> 00:45:20,385
I think I'm in love with you.
860
00:45:20,485 --> 00:45:22,788
Aww...
861
00:45:22,888 --> 00:45:26,624
Shoot. I just remembered.
I have to go home.
862
00:45:26,792 --> 00:45:28,626
Terry's corning into town
tonight.
863
00:45:28,860 --> 00:45:31,629
I forgot.
864
00:45:31,797 --> 00:45:34,299
Oh, yeah.
Do you mind if I walk you?
865
00:45:34,399 --> 00:45:37,068
Yeah, okay.
866
00:45:37,168 --> 00:45:38,203
Great.
867
00:45:45,210 --> 00:45:47,612
So I'll see you tomorrow
at Kick Starter meeting?
868
00:45:47,846 --> 00:45:50,181
Great.
869
00:45:50,281 --> 00:45:51,883
- Bye.
- Bye.
870
00:46:04,562 --> 00:46:05,831
Good afternoon.
871
00:46:05,864 --> 00:46:08,266
- Terry!
- Darling! Here I am.
872
00:46:08,366 --> 00:46:09,901
Home bearing gifts.
873
00:46:10,001 --> 00:46:12,170
Tunisia was not the same
without you.
874
00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:14,305
Wow. I missed you so much.
875
00:46:14,405 --> 00:46:17,042
Guess who was on a camel.
876
00:46:22,047 --> 00:46:23,414
Jeff!
877
00:46:23,514 --> 00:46:25,416
Jeff.
878
00:46:25,516 --> 00:46:26,584
It's Brian.
879
00:46:26,852 --> 00:46:27,752
Oh, hey, Brian.
880
00:46:27,853 --> 00:46:30,856
Brian! Hey!
You-- Wha--
881
00:46:30,956 --> 00:46:33,358
We went to boarding school
together, honey.
882
00:46:33,458 --> 00:46:38,396
This is Daphne, my wife,
and that's my daughter Lily.
883
00:46:38,496 --> 00:46:40,731
How are you doing, man?
884
00:46:40,866 --> 00:46:42,167
- Really good.
- Great.
885
00:46:42,267 --> 00:46:45,370
Yeah, yeah. Hey, Brian,
I hate to ask,
886
00:46:45,470 --> 00:46:47,605
but do got a buck or two
I could borrow,
887
00:46:47,873 --> 00:46:49,440
or a swipe
of a Metro Card.
888
00:46:49,540 --> 00:46:52,878
Anything works for me.
889
00:46:56,481 --> 00:46:59,584
Sure. Uh...
890
00:47:00,986 --> 00:47:03,889
Thanks.
891
00:47:03,922 --> 00:47:06,057
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
892
00:47:37,122 --> 00:47:41,927
** [jazz]
893
00:47:48,333 --> 00:47:49,935
What?
894
00:47:50,001 --> 00:47:51,002
Nothing.
895
00:47:54,973 --> 00:47:56,374
What?
896
00:48:00,946 --> 00:48:03,548
You don't think
I was being honest.
897
00:48:07,485 --> 00:48:09,487
I wasn't even
thinking about you.
898
00:48:09,587 --> 00:48:11,990
I was thinking about myself.
899
00:48:30,775 --> 00:48:34,612
When I first quit consulting,
I met some older men,
900
00:48:34,712 --> 00:48:37,983
wealthy men who'd
take me out on dates.
901
00:48:38,049 --> 00:48:42,387
They were just dates, you know,
dinners and things like that.
902
00:48:42,487 --> 00:48:47,858
But then after a while,
they started offering me money.
903
00:48:47,993 --> 00:48:51,529
First, I said no,
but then...
904
00:48:51,629 --> 00:48:53,531
I figured why not?
905
00:48:53,631 --> 00:48:56,534
I was drinking
and doing a lot of coke.
906
00:48:56,634 --> 00:48:59,670
It just made sense and seemed
like a waste if I didn't.
907
00:48:59,770 --> 00:49:02,407
It wasn't actually even
all that bad.
908
00:49:02,507 --> 00:49:06,077
Sometimes it was...
kind of nice.
909
00:49:09,447 --> 00:49:12,683
But then one night,
I was really-- I was drunk.
910
00:49:12,783 --> 00:49:17,622
And I was pretty far
uptown and...
911
00:49:17,722 --> 00:49:22,460
I didn't have any cab fare,
912
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:28,133
so I saw this
nice-looking college kid
and propositioned him.
913
00:49:28,233 --> 00:49:31,036
He took me back
to his parents' apartment,
914
00:49:31,102 --> 00:49:36,441
and when we got there,
he didn't want me
to come inside.
915
00:49:36,541 --> 00:49:44,349
I still needed the cab fare,
so I got him off in the hallway.
916
00:49:44,449 --> 00:49:46,051
I blew him.
917
00:49:46,117 --> 00:49:49,154
And when it was over,
he paid me and...
918
00:49:49,254 --> 00:49:56,061
I thought I'd just sit down
and sober up a little bit.
919
00:49:56,161 --> 00:49:59,130
I passed out.
920
00:50:00,498 --> 00:50:05,903
When I woke up,
I didn't know where I was.
921
00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:10,141
My pants were soaked,
so I knew I wet myself.
922
00:50:13,111 --> 00:50:15,746
The hallway was
completely empty,
923
00:50:15,846 --> 00:50:18,749
and I couldn't
find my way out.
924
00:50:18,849 --> 00:50:21,952
I was lost and alone,
and it was--
925
00:50:22,153 --> 00:50:27,158
Hey. Hey, it's okay.
926
00:50:27,258 --> 00:50:30,428
I get lost
all the time.
927
00:50:30,528 --> 00:50:32,797
It's very scary.
928
00:50:35,300 --> 00:50:38,035
Jeff, I really like you.
929
00:50:40,805 --> 00:50:45,543
But I can't leave Terry.
930
00:50:45,643 --> 00:50:47,044
It's okay.
931
00:50:48,779 --> 00:50:52,550
I'm grateful that I've got
someone in my life right now.
932
00:50:52,650 --> 00:50:54,185
And unlike before,
933
00:50:54,285 --> 00:50:56,087
I think a lot of the reason
why it works
934
00:50:56,187 --> 00:51:00,625
is because
we're on equal terms,
935
00:51:00,725 --> 00:51:02,260
and he respects that,
936
00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:05,730
and I respect myself.
937
00:51:05,830 --> 00:51:08,566
It's all about honesty.
938
00:51:08,666 --> 00:51:10,935
Thanks for letting me share.
939
00:51:11,136 --> 00:51:13,204
[women]
Thanks, Lynn.
940
00:51:14,605 --> 00:51:16,974
[Jeff]
Mommy, I want to
ask you a favor.
941
00:51:17,208 --> 00:51:18,143
Mm-hmm.
942
00:51:18,243 --> 00:51:20,145
I'm considering
a career change.
943
00:51:20,211 --> 00:51:22,247
- Oh, you are?
- Yeah.
944
00:51:22,347 --> 00:51:24,615
I was thinking about
being a stand-up comic.
945
00:51:24,715 --> 00:51:26,551
There's also a chance
for me to write, too.
946
00:51:26,651 --> 00:51:29,987
Jokes at first
and then maybe more.
947
00:51:30,155 --> 00:51:31,722
That's terrific. You know,
I've always told you,
948
00:51:31,822 --> 00:51:33,691
you have a wonderful
stage presence.
949
00:51:33,791 --> 00:51:34,725
Commanding.
Really.
950
00:51:34,825 --> 00:51:36,161
Come on.
951
00:51:36,227 --> 00:51:38,729
But what made you
want to change?
952
00:51:38,829 --> 00:51:42,700
I met a girl, and I want to
be able to take care of her.
953
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:44,535
Thank God it's a girl.
954
00:51:44,635 --> 00:51:46,271
Jesus, Mommy!
955
00:51:46,371 --> 00:51:48,906
I told you
Scotty was a female puma!
956
00:51:49,174 --> 00:51:51,008
Okay.
957
00:51:51,176 --> 00:51:55,680
You've only got a couple
months of teaching left
before summer break.
958
00:51:55,780 --> 00:51:59,284
Why don't you just
finish out the year
and see how you feel then?
959
00:51:59,384 --> 00:52:04,054
That-- That's sensible.
It is very sensible.
960
00:52:04,189 --> 00:52:06,591
I hate taking money
from you and Mike,
961
00:52:06,691 --> 00:52:09,026
but, Mommy, there's something
you've got to understand.
962
00:52:09,194 --> 00:52:11,061
I'm like an animal at the zoo.
963
00:52:11,196 --> 00:52:13,030
You just can't release me.
964
00:52:13,198 --> 00:52:16,201
You got to ease me
back into the wild.
965
00:52:16,301 --> 00:52:18,903
- Mike, darling.
- I'll get my checkbook.
966
00:52:19,003 --> 00:52:22,773
Mike, I swear I'm on
the verge of paying you
back for that yacht.
967
00:52:22,873 --> 00:52:24,275
This is just a loan.
968
00:52:24,375 --> 00:52:25,843
Plus I'm going to
substitute teach tomorrow.
969
00:52:25,943 --> 00:52:26,977
Something I'm good at.
970
00:52:27,212 --> 00:52:29,614
Quiet!
971
00:52:29,714 --> 00:52:33,418
[kids shouting]
972
00:52:43,394 --> 00:52:45,763
Yeah!
973
00:52:45,863 --> 00:52:47,632
All right!
974
00:52:47,732 --> 00:52:49,234
[school bell ringing]
975
00:52:49,334 --> 00:52:52,136
Mrs. Shelby,
the chalk slipped
right out of my hand.
976
00:52:52,237 --> 00:52:54,339
I understand.
It's completely natural.
977
00:52:54,439 --> 00:52:59,109
After all, gymnasts use
chalk to powder their hands
because it's slippery.
978
00:52:59,244 --> 00:53:01,646
- This chalk was.
- Clearly.
979
00:53:01,746 --> 00:53:05,149
I don't know if you've been
to a classroom lately,
but it's not easy.
980
00:53:05,250 --> 00:53:09,053
I teach mathematics to
our mentally challenged
students once a week.
981
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:11,256
Exactly.
982
00:53:11,322 --> 00:53:13,924
What do you mean,
"exactly"?
983
00:53:14,024 --> 00:53:16,827
Well, Mrs. Shelby,
wouldn't you say
984
00:53:16,927 --> 00:53:19,330
that the material you teach
your mentally challenged kids
985
00:53:19,430 --> 00:53:22,267
is far easier than
what I have to teach mine?
986
00:53:22,333 --> 00:53:25,736
I assume you've mastered
third grade mathematics.
987
00:53:25,836 --> 00:53:28,373
Right. Touché.
988
00:53:28,473 --> 00:53:31,141
You know, since you've
been subbing with us,
989
00:53:31,276 --> 00:53:34,912
you've lost control of
the classroom several times,
990
00:53:35,012 --> 00:53:39,884
often bribing the children
with both money and candy
to maintain order.
991
00:53:39,984 --> 00:53:42,119
I never used money.
992
00:53:42,287 --> 00:53:44,822
A month ago you played
Simon Says for so long
one student fainted.
993
00:53:44,922 --> 00:53:47,925
I didn't know he had asthma.
I mean, if he had one of
those little inhaler things
994
00:53:48,025 --> 00:53:50,160
like strung around his neck--
995
00:53:50,295 --> 00:53:52,162
Screamed profanities
at the students,
996
00:53:52,297 --> 00:53:55,199
telling one youngster
to, quote,
997
00:53:55,300 --> 00:53:57,768
"Shut your fucking trap."
998
00:53:57,868 --> 00:53:59,304
You're right.
999
00:53:59,404 --> 00:54:01,439
That was wrong.
I shouldn't have done that.
1000
00:54:03,073 --> 00:54:07,912
The larger issue is
you lack presence.
1001
00:54:08,012 --> 00:54:11,316
And the students?
1002
00:54:11,416 --> 00:54:14,819
The students,
they have no respect
for you whatsoever.
1003
00:54:14,919 --> 00:54:19,924
I recommend that you find
a job more suitable
to your abilities.
1004
00:54:20,024 --> 00:54:21,792
I got to find
something I can do.
1005
00:54:21,892 --> 00:54:23,928
You're funny.
1006
00:54:24,028 --> 00:54:25,963
That does
a lot of good.
1007
00:54:26,063 --> 00:54:28,433
The homeless story,
that did me a lot of good.
1008
00:54:28,533 --> 00:54:31,068
Okay. What else?
1009
00:54:31,336 --> 00:54:33,237
You're a great friend.
1010
00:54:33,338 --> 00:54:35,340
I'm a funny, great friend.
1011
00:54:35,373 --> 00:54:38,743
A fucking dog in a sweater
can do that.
1012
00:54:38,843 --> 00:54:40,411
What about fishing?
You love fishing.
1013
00:54:40,511 --> 00:54:42,347
With my LDs,
there's no possible way
1014
00:54:42,447 --> 00:54:44,915
I could be the captain
of a fishing boat.
1015
00:54:45,015 --> 00:54:48,953
Jeff, work on
somebody else's boat.
1016
00:54:52,823 --> 00:54:54,825
- Hi.
- Hi.
1017
00:54:54,925 --> 00:54:56,394
- How you doing?
- Good.
1018
00:54:56,494 --> 00:54:58,929
- Where are your arms?
- Oh, just scratching my back.
1019
00:54:59,029 --> 00:55:00,765
- Really?
- Got a rash.
1020
00:55:00,865 --> 00:55:02,367
- You're not hiding something?
- No. What are you hiding?
1021
00:55:02,467 --> 00:55:03,934
You look like you're
sprouting something.
1022
00:55:04,034 --> 00:55:05,903
Oh, really?
Like this?
1023
00:55:06,003 --> 00:55:07,372
- Flowers!
- You like them?
1024
00:55:07,438 --> 00:55:08,406
How about this?
1025
00:55:08,506 --> 00:55:11,208
Jeff, what is this?
1026
00:55:11,376 --> 00:55:12,810
- It's no big deal.
- No, it is--
1027
00:55:12,910 --> 00:55:14,044
I know you can't.
1028
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:16,213
- Oh, my--
- I hope you like it.
1029
00:55:16,381 --> 00:55:19,384
Oh, my God.
Jeff, it's so beautiful.
1030
00:55:19,450 --> 00:55:20,818
- Yeah?
- Yes!
1031
00:55:20,918 --> 00:55:22,820
It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
1032
00:55:22,920 --> 00:55:25,890
It's so-- Jeff?
1033
00:55:25,990 --> 00:55:27,425
- [groans]
- What's going on?
1034
00:55:27,525 --> 00:55:31,396
You're scaring me.
Oh, my God. Jeff!
1035
00:55:31,496 --> 00:55:32,930
Jeff!
1036
00:55:33,030 --> 00:55:34,499
Breathe, breathe.
1037
00:55:35,866 --> 00:55:37,468
What's wrong? What?
1038
00:55:37,568 --> 00:55:39,904
- Get away! Your shoes!
- What's wrong with them?
1039
00:55:40,004 --> 00:55:42,407
- Go over there! Please!
- What do you mean?
What's wrong with them?
1040
00:55:42,507 --> 00:55:44,409
Take your shoes off.
Throw them over there.
1041
00:55:44,509 --> 00:55:47,912
Oh, my God. Okay.
I'm taking them off.
1042
00:55:49,113 --> 00:55:50,948
- Threw 'em away.
- [panting]
1043
00:55:51,048 --> 00:55:53,851
Shh. Try to relax.
1044
00:55:53,951 --> 00:55:56,854
Ohh... Oh, God.
1045
00:55:56,954 --> 00:55:59,524
Just breathe.
1046
00:55:59,624 --> 00:56:02,927
God, Jeff. Shh...
1047
00:56:03,027 --> 00:56:04,228
Your shoes.
1048
00:56:04,462 --> 00:56:05,763
What happened?
1049
00:56:05,863 --> 00:56:07,732
Your shoes are New Balance.
1050
00:56:07,832 --> 00:56:09,434
So?
1051
00:56:11,469 --> 00:56:13,471
I just--
1052
00:56:13,571 --> 00:56:17,475
When I see the word "balance,"
I-- I get nauseous,
1053
00:56:17,575 --> 00:56:22,480
and I experience vertigo,
and I just lose my balance.
1054
00:56:22,580 --> 00:56:25,883
It doesn't happen all the time.
It's only when I'm worked up.
1055
00:56:25,983 --> 00:56:27,452
Oh.
1056
00:56:29,019 --> 00:56:31,456
- Oh, God.
- Jeff...
1057
00:56:31,556 --> 00:56:35,560
the sneakers don't even say
the word "balance" on them.
1058
00:56:35,660 --> 00:56:38,095
The "N" is enough.
1059
00:56:40,865 --> 00:56:43,834
I haven't had an episode
like that in a long time.
1060
00:56:43,934 --> 00:56:45,803
I'm okay.
1061
00:56:45,903 --> 00:56:47,505
Thank you.
1062
00:56:47,605 --> 00:56:49,106
Just breathe.
1063
00:56:49,206 --> 00:56:52,577
Careful. Careful.
1064
00:56:53,944 --> 00:56:55,813
God.
1065
00:56:55,913 --> 00:56:58,048
You scared me.
1066
00:56:58,148 --> 00:57:03,954
I mean, Jeff, what happens
if your students wear
New Balance sneakers?
1067
00:57:04,054 --> 00:57:06,491
I ask them to take them off.
1068
00:57:07,558 --> 00:57:10,027
That's so cute.
1069
00:57:10,127 --> 00:57:12,930
Actually, Lynn,
about school...
1070
00:57:13,030 --> 00:57:16,200
I got fired.
1071
00:57:16,300 --> 00:57:21,105
Jeff, how can you
afford that necklace?
1072
00:57:21,205 --> 00:57:23,508
See, that's the best thing.
1073
00:57:23,541 --> 00:57:26,110
Everything's affordable with
Zeffers' new financing plan.
1074
00:57:26,210 --> 00:57:30,380
Jeff, you still have
to pay back the loan.
1075
00:57:30,515 --> 00:57:32,950
I hate to admit it,
but I got you, Lynn.
1076
00:57:33,050 --> 00:57:36,821
I'm going to be
a commercial fisherman,
an old seadog.
1077
00:57:36,921 --> 00:57:40,157
I figured that if this is
a steady thing for me,
1078
00:57:40,257 --> 00:57:44,562
maybe you wouldn't have
to get married to Terry.
1079
00:57:44,662 --> 00:57:48,999
I know this sounds crazy,
but I love you.
1080
00:57:49,099 --> 00:57:51,135
I want to take care of you.
1081
00:57:53,738 --> 00:57:55,540
I love you, too, Jeff.
1082
00:57:55,606 --> 00:57:58,543
You're the best girlfriend
I've ever had.
1083
00:57:58,643 --> 00:58:01,378
The only one, frankly,
but the best.
1084
00:58:01,546 --> 00:58:06,083
You know what?
I don't think I've ever had
a real boyfriend either.
1085
00:58:06,183 --> 00:58:07,885
Just sugar daddies
and pimps?
1086
00:58:07,985 --> 00:58:09,954
[laughs]
1087
00:58:10,054 --> 00:58:11,556
Yeah.
1088
00:58:14,725 --> 00:58:18,563
And she says no
because of the mast-head.
1089
00:58:18,629 --> 00:58:19,664
Hmm.
1090
00:58:20,998 --> 00:58:24,234
Hey, Cappy. I'm Jeff.
Sorry I'm late.
1091
00:58:24,334 --> 00:58:25,570
Ease her out there,
Junior.
1092
00:58:25,670 --> 00:58:26,671
You got it, Cap.
1093
00:58:26,771 --> 00:58:28,573
- Where's your gear?
- Gear?
1094
00:58:28,639 --> 00:58:31,008
You don't think this sweater's
gonna be warm enough?
1095
00:58:31,108 --> 00:58:33,077
Yeah, it'll be
warm enough for today,
1096
00:58:33,177 --> 00:58:37,582
but the weather might
get dirty over the next
four to six weeks.
1097
00:58:37,615 --> 00:58:42,486
And even though I made
a little mistake by boarding
a month-long cruise,
1098
00:58:42,587 --> 00:58:45,990
being aboard a boat without
having the responsibility
of captaining it
1099
00:58:46,090 --> 00:58:50,427
was gonna be like
playing the lotto without
having to buy the tickets.
1100
00:58:50,595 --> 00:58:52,296
It was going to be heaven.
1101
00:58:52,396 --> 00:58:55,966
And while we steamed into it,
all I thought about was Lynn
1102
00:58:56,066 --> 00:58:59,003
lying in bed, watching reruns
of the Luggage Channel.
1103
00:58:59,103 --> 00:59:02,940
With this peerless
Cincinnati Sateen rolling bag,
1104
00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:06,677
you'll be the toast
of high tea in London.
1105
00:59:13,818 --> 00:59:17,521
And thanks to this patented
tri-fold center strap,
1106
00:59:17,622 --> 00:59:19,624
when you land in Dubai,
1107
00:59:19,657 --> 00:59:21,626
say bye-bye to creases
in your clothing.
1108
00:59:21,726 --> 00:59:26,330
And now for
my favorite feature,
the snap pocket.
1109
00:59:29,667 --> 00:59:35,139
[Captain] Junior,
get fuckin' Santa's helper
to lift the fuckin' nets out!
1110
00:59:35,239 --> 00:59:37,708
Dipshit, give me a fuckin' hand!
1111
00:59:37,808 --> 00:59:40,978
- All right.
- Hold onto that.
1112
00:59:41,078 --> 00:59:42,279
Tight!
1113
00:59:46,183 --> 00:59:49,954
Right,
when I say when, pull.
1114
00:59:50,054 --> 00:59:51,288
What?
1115
00:59:51,388 --> 00:59:54,258
When I--
When I say when, pull.
1116
00:59:54,358 --> 00:59:56,326
I already am pulling on it.
1117
00:59:56,426 --> 00:59:58,696
Just-- You know what?
Don't pull.
1118
00:59:58,796 --> 01:00:00,497
I don't need your help.
Go. Go.
1119
01:00:00,665 --> 01:00:01,999
You need a spotter
or something?
1120
01:00:02,099 --> 01:00:04,534
No, I don't need a spotter.
Fuck, man.
1121
01:00:04,635 --> 01:00:06,737
Get the fuck out of here.
A spotter!
1122
01:00:10,274 --> 01:00:12,142
Morning, Cappy.
1123
01:00:14,111 --> 01:00:15,646
Man the wheel.
1124
01:00:15,746 --> 01:00:17,347
I don't think
that's a good idea.
1125
01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:18,749
I've sunk
one of these before.
1126
01:00:18,849 --> 01:00:20,250
- You've what?
- I sunk one.
1127
01:00:20,350 --> 01:00:21,285
Just go.
1128
01:00:21,385 --> 01:00:22,720
Go, go. Get Junior.
1129
01:00:22,820 --> 01:00:24,822
Tell him I need
a man up here.
1130
01:00:28,392 --> 01:00:30,795
These nets
look different.
1131
01:00:30,895 --> 01:00:34,164
Yeah. It's 'cause
we're going for weak fish.
1132
01:00:34,264 --> 01:00:35,565
Weak fish?
1133
01:00:35,666 --> 01:00:38,168
The small white ones.
Use them as bait.
1134
01:00:38,268 --> 01:00:39,737
Nothing, right?
1135
01:00:39,837 --> 01:00:42,072
You're such a fuckin' idiot.
1136
01:00:42,172 --> 01:00:43,240
Get a wrench
and help me out.
1137
01:00:43,340 --> 01:00:45,342
Okay.
1138
01:00:45,442 --> 01:00:47,111
Come on, princess,
bring it up.
1139
01:00:47,211 --> 01:00:51,716
Come on, give it some gas!
Get the whip line.
1140
01:00:51,816 --> 01:00:54,618
You see, when you're netting
for a particular kind of fish
1141
01:00:54,719 --> 01:00:57,354
and one that may not already
be in danger of being wiped out,
1142
01:00:57,454 --> 01:00:59,356
you inevitably scoop up
those that are.
1143
01:00:59,456 --> 01:01:01,125
It's called a by catch.
1144
01:01:01,225 --> 01:01:02,192
It's coming.
1145
01:01:04,962 --> 01:01:07,832
I spent my whole life trying
to catch fish like this.
1146
01:01:07,932 --> 01:01:11,301
We're talking about Spanish
mackerel, porgies, tuna,
1147
01:01:11,401 --> 01:01:15,139
and the most amazing and
beautiful sport fish of all--
1148
01:01:15,239 --> 01:01:17,374
the striped bass.
1149
01:01:17,474 --> 01:01:19,576
We struck gold.
1150
01:01:19,744 --> 01:01:22,446
It was the kind of gold
you had to throw back.
1151
01:01:27,818 --> 01:01:30,320
- What the hell are you doing?
- What the fuck, man!
1152
01:01:30,420 --> 01:01:32,122
I'm throwing them back,
Cappy. They're beautiful.
1153
01:01:32,222 --> 01:01:33,323
And they're dying.
1154
01:01:33,423 --> 01:01:34,759
What the fuck!
1155
01:01:34,792 --> 01:01:36,426
Listen, Cappy,
I may not know much,
1156
01:01:36,526 --> 01:01:38,595
but I know it's illegal to
net for these kind of fish.
1157
01:01:38,763 --> 01:01:40,765
We'll throw them back later.
1158
01:01:40,831 --> 01:01:42,599
But, Cappy, you'll be
throwing them back dead.
1159
01:01:42,767 --> 01:01:44,601
I said we'll
throw them back later!
1160
01:01:44,769 --> 01:01:48,172
Now, every fuckin fish that
swims by here right now,
1161
01:01:48,272 --> 01:01:51,308
that's 3.25 to the pound
that I'm losing!
1162
01:01:51,408 --> 01:01:53,844
Now, I'm going to give you
to the count of three
1163
01:01:53,944 --> 01:01:58,783
to get the goddamn nets
back out!
1164
01:01:58,883 --> 01:02:00,384
One, two...
1165
01:02:00,484 --> 01:02:03,253
Okay, okay.
1166
01:02:05,856 --> 01:02:10,227
Now, I am no great
environmentalist, okay?
1167
01:02:10,327 --> 01:02:11,862
Hell, I don't even recycle.
1168
01:02:11,962 --> 01:02:16,033
But what Al was proposing
was murdering all these fish.
1169
01:02:22,807 --> 01:02:24,341
No! No! No! No!
1170
01:02:24,441 --> 01:02:26,710
I'm not going to let you
bastards get away with this.
1171
01:02:26,811 --> 01:02:28,378
You're going
to have to kill me
1172
01:02:28,478 --> 01:02:30,915
before I let these fish
suffocate on deck.
1173
01:02:31,015 --> 01:02:32,817
It's either me
or the fish, gentlemen.
1174
01:02:32,917 --> 01:02:38,823
But I swear, I will gut you
before you get me overboard.
1175
01:02:38,889 --> 01:02:42,827
All I'm asking is you let me
throw these fish back
1176
01:02:42,893 --> 01:02:44,829
before you throw
your stinking nets out there.
1177
01:02:44,895 --> 01:02:47,364
It'll only take a minute.
How's it going to go down?
1178
01:02:47,464 --> 01:02:50,234
This is mutiny, faggy.
1179
01:02:50,334 --> 01:02:51,869
You lose your quarter share.
1180
01:02:51,969 --> 01:02:53,237
So be it.
1181
01:02:53,337 --> 01:02:56,907
Junior, get back on the crane.
1182
01:03:04,314 --> 01:03:06,050
Go ahead.
1183
01:03:07,417 --> 01:03:09,653
You're in such
a world of shit.
1184
01:03:09,887 --> 01:03:11,321
It's my world.
1185
01:03:11,421 --> 01:03:13,858
Tell me when
you find Nemo.
1186
01:03:13,924 --> 01:03:16,961
What I didn't figure
into my mutiny was...
1187
01:03:17,061 --> 01:03:18,963
now I was going to be
at sea for three weeks
1188
01:03:19,063 --> 01:03:21,765
with people who
wanted to kill me.
1189
01:03:21,866 --> 01:03:24,468
People die at sea
all the time.
1190
01:03:24,568 --> 01:03:27,271
It didn't matter.
Neither the threat of death
1191
01:03:27,371 --> 01:03:29,173
or the loss of money
mattered at all to me
1192
01:03:29,273 --> 01:03:30,908
because I knew that
as soon as I got home,
1193
01:03:31,008 --> 01:03:33,577
I would have Lynn there
waiting for me.
1194
01:03:45,389 --> 01:03:48,258
It says there's
a tropical storm
off the coast.
1195
01:03:48,358 --> 01:03:50,494
Yeah, I read that, too.
1196
01:03:50,594 --> 01:03:52,963
It's supposed to be
40-knot winds.
1197
01:03:53,063 --> 01:03:55,900
Do you think it'd be safe
to be on a boat?
1198
01:03:55,966 --> 01:03:59,103
I sure as hell wouldn't
want to be on one.
1199
01:04:05,509 --> 01:04:07,311
[knocking]
1200
01:04:07,411 --> 01:04:09,613
You expecting someone?
1201
01:04:23,593 --> 01:04:25,662
- Yes?
- Are you Lynn Ferguson?
1202
01:04:25,930 --> 01:04:26,964
l am.
1203
01:04:27,064 --> 01:04:29,566
Hi, Miss Ferguson.
Sorry to bother you.
1204
01:04:29,666 --> 01:04:30,968
We have a judgment
against Jeff Nichols,
1205
01:04:31,068 --> 01:04:33,971
and he listed this
as his primary address.
1206
01:04:34,071 --> 01:04:38,943
Me and my friend Peanut
are here to repossess
that diamond necklace.
1207
01:04:42,646 --> 01:04:45,349
Uh, I'll go grab the box.
1208
01:04:54,691 --> 01:04:56,626
May I ask you
what is this about?
1209
01:04:56,726 --> 01:04:59,296
Well, grandpa,
looks like some loverboy
1210
01:04:59,396 --> 01:05:02,499
bought your daughter
a necklace he couldn't afford.
1211
01:05:07,171 --> 01:05:08,672
Thank you.
1212
01:05:19,984 --> 01:05:23,053
I-- I can't wait to see her.
1213
01:05:23,153 --> 01:05:27,124
In fact, does anyone know
where there's a good florist?
1214
01:05:27,224 --> 01:05:28,658
Whoa.
1215
01:05:28,758 --> 01:05:30,627
Thanks for letting me share.
1216
01:05:30,727 --> 01:05:32,429
[all]
Thanks, Jeff.
1217
01:05:47,544 --> 01:05:50,014
Lynn!
1218
01:05:54,018 --> 01:05:55,585
Wait. Wait, wait!
1219
01:05:55,685 --> 01:05:58,122
Wait! Why are you running?
1220
01:05:58,222 --> 01:06:00,524
- [tires screech]
- [horn honks]
1221
01:06:00,624 --> 01:06:02,026
Lynn!
1222
01:06:04,094 --> 01:06:06,363
Wait.
1223
01:06:06,463 --> 01:06:08,498
Wait.
1224
01:06:08,598 --> 01:06:10,767
Give me a moment.
1225
01:06:11,035 --> 01:06:12,602
I just got back.
1226
01:06:12,702 --> 01:06:16,506
I went to a quick meeting,
but then I came straight here.
1227
01:06:16,606 --> 01:06:20,044
They didn't have
a phone on the boat.
1228
01:06:21,045 --> 01:06:24,248
I've missed you so much.
1229
01:06:27,084 --> 01:06:29,219
Why aren't you wearing
your necklace?
1230
01:06:32,489 --> 01:06:34,358
It's over, Jeff.
1231
01:06:34,458 --> 01:06:35,492
Over!
1232
01:06:35,592 --> 01:06:37,527
Wait.
1233
01:06:37,627 --> 01:06:42,199
Do you mean it's over
between you and Terry
or you and me?
1234
01:06:53,277 --> 01:06:56,980
You can't go.
I've got my six-month
anniversary coming up.
1235
01:06:57,081 --> 01:07:00,184
Yeah. Well,
I got my 10-year
anniversary coming up.
1236
01:07:00,284 --> 01:07:03,187
What have I done
with my time? Nothing.
1237
01:07:03,287 --> 01:07:05,455
I need help, Lenny.
1238
01:07:05,555 --> 01:07:08,558
I just lost
the love of my life
due to poor accounting,
1239
01:07:08,658 --> 01:07:09,593
I'm here. I'll help you.
1240
01:07:09,693 --> 01:07:10,727
I got a new tactic.
1241
01:07:10,827 --> 01:07:12,529
It's called surrender.
1242
01:07:12,629 --> 01:07:16,200
See, me and details, we went
to battle three decades ago,
1243
01:07:16,300 --> 01:07:20,104
and I can honestly say
that that war is over,
and I've lost.
1244
01:07:20,170 --> 01:07:22,606
So you're just
going to be a bum?
1245
01:07:22,706 --> 01:07:26,110
I'm retiring. Mike's brother has
got a garage apartment in Quogue
1246
01:07:26,176 --> 01:07:27,511
he's going to rent me
real cheap.
1247
01:07:27,611 --> 01:07:30,147
I got all I need right here.
1248
01:07:30,247 --> 01:07:32,949
Okay, retire,
but promise me one thing.
1249
01:07:33,117 --> 01:07:34,484
You'll keep going
to meetings
1250
01:07:34,584 --> 01:07:36,820
'cause those people need you
as much as you need them.
1251
01:07:36,920 --> 01:07:39,756
Lenny, how can I expect
other people to be
interested in my problems
1252
01:07:39,856 --> 01:07:41,691
when they don't even
impress me?
1253
01:07:41,791 --> 01:07:44,994
I have learning disabilities,
and I drank a lot
when I was a kid.
1254
01:07:45,129 --> 01:07:46,796
It's like having gingivitis,
you know?
1255
01:07:46,896 --> 01:07:48,498
Buy a toothbrush,
get on with it.
1256
01:07:48,598 --> 01:07:51,135
I cannot believe
I'm hearing you say this.
1257
01:07:52,202 --> 01:07:54,804
I'm sorry to disappoint you,
Lenny.
1258
01:07:54,904 --> 01:07:57,174
It was good knowing you, man.
Don't drink.
1259
01:08:11,688 --> 01:08:12,989
Hey, Jeff!
1260
01:08:13,190 --> 01:08:14,824
Hey, Uncle Popcorn.
1261
01:08:14,924 --> 01:08:16,726
- How you doing?
- I'm good.
1262
01:08:16,826 --> 01:08:18,528
Don't call me
Uncle Popcorn, okay?
1263
01:08:18,628 --> 01:08:19,796
Yeah, sure.
1264
01:08:19,896 --> 01:08:21,798
- Give me that.
- Okay. All right.
1265
01:08:21,898 --> 01:08:24,734
Hey, all this is yours, man,
any time you want to use it.
1266
01:08:24,834 --> 01:08:25,902
You know how to use
this thing here?
1267
01:08:26,170 --> 01:08:27,036
Not really.
1268
01:08:27,171 --> 01:08:29,173
Let me show you.
It's easy.
1269
01:08:29,239 --> 01:08:32,476
Step up, step up, and ho!
1270
01:08:32,576 --> 01:08:33,543
- Wow!
- Ho!
1271
01:08:33,643 --> 01:08:35,679
All right!
[laughs]
1272
01:08:35,779 --> 01:08:39,283
Okay? Give it a try.
Come on.
1273
01:08:41,351 --> 01:08:43,820
That's it.
1274
01:08:43,920 --> 01:08:45,189
Ah, it's all right.
It's all right.
1275
01:08:45,255 --> 01:08:48,225
- No, no, that ain't the way.
- Okay.
1276
01:08:48,325 --> 01:08:51,027
- All right, let's go.
- Sorry.
1277
01:08:51,195 --> 01:08:53,530
Don't use that
until I show you how.
1278
01:08:53,630 --> 01:08:55,965
And my barbeque here?
You don't fuckin' touch that.
1279
01:08:56,200 --> 01:08:57,301
Absolutely not.
1280
01:08:57,401 --> 01:08:59,603
I got you fixed up
in the back there
1281
01:08:59,703 --> 01:09:01,070
above the garage.
1282
01:09:01,205 --> 01:09:02,739
Without going to meetings
1283
01:09:02,839 --> 01:09:05,242
and without the responsibility
of being a mentor,
1284
01:09:05,342 --> 01:09:09,213
I figured retirement
would be easy, but it wasn't.
1285
01:09:09,246 --> 01:09:13,217
Because I couldn't
stop thinking about
what happened on the boat.
1286
01:09:13,283 --> 01:09:14,751
I didn't know why it was
upsetting me so much
1287
01:09:14,851 --> 01:09:17,887
until I figured out
that the fish chose me.
1288
01:09:17,987 --> 01:09:23,092
Like Lynn, they were in trouble
because they chose me.
1289
01:09:23,227 --> 01:09:24,694
I wanted to save them,
1290
01:09:24,794 --> 01:09:26,996
and the only way I could
was to write.
1291
01:09:27,231 --> 01:09:29,333
So despite my LDs,
1292
01:09:29,433 --> 01:09:33,603
I started working on a letter
to a national fishing magazine.
1293
01:09:39,643 --> 01:09:42,746
Dear Hooked on Fishing,
1294
01:09:42,846 --> 01:09:46,716
this really bad thing happened.
1295
01:09:55,659 --> 01:10:04,268
...which was breehly bad.
That's right.
1296
01:10:04,368 --> 01:10:06,202
[knocking]
1297
01:10:07,203 --> 01:10:08,872
Hey, Uncle Popcorn,
come in.
1298
01:10:08,972 --> 01:10:11,708
Jeff, we got to talk.
1299
01:10:11,808 --> 01:10:15,612
Great, cause I been dying
to talk to somebody.
1300
01:10:15,712 --> 01:10:18,248
This letter is a lot more
difficult than I thought
it was going to be.
1301
01:10:18,348 --> 01:10:20,384
Plus it was really cold
in here last night.
1302
01:10:20,484 --> 01:10:22,886
But that's okay because the heat
throws off my equilibrium,
1303
01:10:22,986 --> 01:10:25,789
and it kind of
makes me twitchy, so...
I can fight through it.
1304
01:10:25,889 --> 01:10:32,128
Do you have a dictionary,
or do you think you could
proofread this for me?
1305
01:10:32,228 --> 01:10:34,864
What do you think,
Uncle Popcorn?
1306
01:10:34,964 --> 01:10:37,267
First of all, I asked you to
stop calling me Uncle Popcorn.
1307
01:10:37,367 --> 01:10:39,235
It's a name
the little kids call me,
1308
01:10:39,336 --> 01:10:41,938
and they usually
stop doing it when
they're six or seven.
1309
01:10:42,038 --> 01:10:43,673
What do I call you then?
Uncle Bert?
1310
01:10:43,773 --> 01:10:46,175
How about Bert?
I'm not your uncle.
1311
01:10:46,376 --> 01:10:47,777
Well, you're Mike's brother.
1312
01:10:47,877 --> 01:10:49,346
He's your stepfather.
1313
01:10:49,446 --> 01:10:50,714
He's like a father.
1314
01:10:50,814 --> 01:10:54,284
Hell, Jeff,
you're a grown man
1315
01:10:54,384 --> 01:10:56,786
Grown men do not call
each other "uncle."
1316
01:10:56,886 --> 01:10:58,422
Okay.
1317
01:10:58,522 --> 01:11:01,391
And another thing
grown men do is pay rent.
1318
01:11:01,491 --> 01:11:03,192
You're already
three weeks late.
1319
01:11:03,393 --> 01:11:05,862
I'm sorry. It's coming.
1320
01:11:05,962 --> 01:11:08,332
- When?
- Soon. I've got
checks in the mail.
1321
01:11:08,432 --> 01:11:10,967
There literally are checks
sitting in the mailbox.
1322
01:11:11,067 --> 01:11:13,437
Jeff, I checked your mailbox.
There's nothing in there.
1323
01:11:13,537 --> 01:11:15,439
Not that one.
1324
01:11:15,539 --> 01:11:18,342
It's a mailing address
from this old apartment
that I used to live in,
1325
01:11:18,375 --> 01:11:19,976
and it was like
three years ago.
1326
01:11:20,076 --> 01:11:21,345
My friend moved in,
1327
01:11:21,411 --> 01:11:23,713
and then he left
and this new guy came in.
1328
01:11:23,813 --> 01:11:25,515
I haven't been there
for like nine months.
1329
01:11:25,615 --> 01:11:27,016
This guy's got a bad vibe.
1330
01:11:27,116 --> 01:11:28,452
I just don't want
to deal with him right now.
1331
01:11:28,552 --> 01:11:30,754
Why don't you just put in
a change of address?
1332
01:11:30,854 --> 01:11:35,024
What? I'm supposed to notify
everybody that sends me mail
where I moving to?
1333
01:11:35,124 --> 01:11:39,463
Yeah. It's what
normal people do.
1334
01:11:39,563 --> 01:11:41,931
You just fill out
a little form at
the post office.
1335
01:11:42,031 --> 01:11:45,435
Okay, listen,
if it's important to you,
1336
01:11:45,535 --> 01:11:47,937
I can go see my mommy
in Westchester
1337
01:11:48,037 --> 01:11:50,940
and borrow some money
from her.
1338
01:11:51,040 --> 01:11:54,411
Jeff, that... that...
1339
01:11:54,511 --> 01:11:57,814
see, that's what
this is all about.
1340
01:11:57,914 --> 01:11:59,816
That's the thing here.
1341
01:11:59,916 --> 01:12:04,220
You know, for years,
Mike has been telling me
about how great you are,
1342
01:12:04,388 --> 01:12:07,424
how nice you are,
how caring.
1343
01:12:07,524 --> 01:12:11,495
Then he tells me about
all your fuck-ups.
1344
01:12:11,595 --> 01:12:14,230
And I know that every time
you sink a boat
1345
01:12:14,398 --> 01:12:17,233
or lose a job
or have to pay rent,
1346
01:12:17,401 --> 01:12:20,404
you go crying
to your mommy.
1347
01:12:20,470 --> 01:12:23,039
And her and Mike
have to bail you out.
1348
01:12:23,139 --> 01:12:25,008
Well, they just catch me
when I slip up.
1349
01:12:25,108 --> 01:12:27,310
No. They coddle you
1350
01:12:27,411 --> 01:12:31,748
and prevent you from taking
any sort of responsibility,
like a child.
1351
01:12:31,848 --> 01:12:33,249
Hell, not even.
1352
01:12:33,417 --> 01:12:35,284
I've got
an 11-year-old grandson
1353
01:12:35,419 --> 01:12:37,487
who's had a paper route
for two years.
1354
01:12:37,587 --> 01:12:40,624
Have you ever
held a job that long?
1355
01:12:43,026 --> 01:12:44,293
No. I have--
1356
01:12:44,428 --> 01:12:47,464
I have learning
disabilities, too.
1357
01:12:47,564 --> 01:12:52,001
Hmm. When I was your age,
you know what we called that?
1358
01:12:52,101 --> 01:12:53,470
Retardation.
1359
01:12:53,570 --> 01:12:57,273
Hell, even those people
got jobs
1360
01:12:57,441 --> 01:13:01,310
assembling cardboard boxes
or cleaning toilets,
1361
01:13:01,445 --> 01:13:04,548
unlike the modern day version
that waddle around,
1362
01:13:04,648 --> 01:13:08,518
moaning about
how difficult everything is.
1363
01:13:08,618 --> 01:13:12,556
They spend their
entire lives doing nothing
1364
01:13:12,656 --> 01:13:15,892
and leeching off
their parents
1365
01:13:15,992 --> 01:13:17,927
and their Uncle Popcorns.
1366
01:13:20,464 --> 01:13:23,166
You want another week?
Fine.
1367
01:13:24,468 --> 01:13:26,069
I'll give you a week,
1368
01:13:26,169 --> 01:13:30,674
then I'm going to
call up Mike and ask him
for the money myself.
1369
01:13:32,976 --> 01:13:36,546
[door opens, closes]
1370
01:13:54,564 --> 01:13:56,500
Goddamn it.
1371
01:14:01,571 --> 01:14:04,508
Tanya, it's him!
Keep the cat in the bedroom.
1372
01:14:04,574 --> 01:14:08,277
[Tanya]
Don't be a pussyfoot!
Kick his ass right now!
1373
01:14:08,545 --> 01:14:09,345
Here.
1374
01:14:09,546 --> 01:14:10,614
It's been nine months.
1375
01:14:10,714 --> 01:14:13,583
Honestly, take this
and never come back.
1376
01:14:13,683 --> 01:14:17,153
Please, I am so sick
of holding on to
your fuckin' crap.
1377
01:14:17,253 --> 01:14:18,988
It's goddamn ridiculous.
1378
01:14:42,045 --> 01:14:43,146
Jeff.
1379
01:14:43,246 --> 01:14:45,949
- Hey.
- It's cold outside.
1380
01:14:46,049 --> 01:14:47,551
How long have you
been out here?
1381
01:14:47,584 --> 01:14:51,621
Not long. Just, uh,
I was in the city, so...
1382
01:14:51,721 --> 01:14:53,222
Are you okay?
1383
01:14:53,322 --> 01:14:55,559
Haven't seen you
around the rooms lately.
1384
01:14:55,625 --> 01:14:57,627
I quit going
to the meetings.
1385
01:14:57,727 --> 01:14:59,663
Today would have been
my ten-year anniversary.
1386
01:14:59,763 --> 01:15:02,431
It's good though. It is.
1387
01:15:02,566 --> 01:15:05,669
I've been real productive
with all my free time.
1388
01:15:05,769 --> 01:15:07,236
A regular workhorse.
1389
01:15:08,705 --> 01:15:12,108
How are you?
Are you married yet?
1390
01:15:12,208 --> 01:15:14,678
Not yet.
1391
01:15:20,249 --> 01:15:22,485
I'd marry you, Lynn.
You know that?
1392
01:15:22,586 --> 01:15:25,589
But, Jeff,
what would happen?
1393
01:15:25,689 --> 01:15:29,092
I mean,
you're a sweet guy,
1394
01:15:29,192 --> 01:15:33,129
and you're funny, and I'm
really attracted to you,
1395
01:15:33,229 --> 01:15:38,067
but what kind of a life would
we lead if you can't even...
1396
01:15:38,167 --> 01:15:40,604
clean your own bedroom?
1397
01:15:40,637 --> 01:15:43,206
Technically,
it'd be half your room.
1398
01:15:48,177 --> 01:15:51,280
Jeff...
1399
01:15:51,380 --> 01:15:54,651
I never expected
to fall in love with you.
1400
01:15:54,751 --> 01:15:57,453
It was the easiest thing
I ever did.
1401
01:15:57,621 --> 01:16:03,026
But if something bad happened,
and I drank again,
1402
01:16:03,126 --> 01:16:05,094
I could really hurt myself.
1403
01:16:05,194 --> 01:16:06,630
Nothing bad would happen.
1404
01:16:06,696 --> 01:16:10,634
I just don't have what it takes
to build a life with you.
1405
01:16:15,104 --> 01:16:16,840
I'm sorry.
1406
01:16:21,244 --> 01:16:23,212
Don't drink.
1407
01:16:25,214 --> 01:16:27,216
[phone ringing]
1408
01:16:28,251 --> 01:16:29,986
I accept.
1409
01:16:30,086 --> 01:16:31,020
Hi, Mommy.
1410
01:16:31,120 --> 01:16:34,057
Hi, Jeff.
1411
01:16:34,157 --> 01:16:36,025
Listen, I'm a little upset.
1412
01:16:36,125 --> 01:16:38,662
I was wondering if I could
come and stay with you
in Westchester tonight.
1413
01:16:38,695 --> 01:16:40,664
Oh, Mike and I
are headed to Florida.
1414
01:16:40,730 --> 01:16:42,198
I'm just about to meet him
at the airport.
1415
01:16:42,298 --> 01:16:43,700
What's wrong, sweetie?
1416
01:16:43,800 --> 01:16:45,669
A little sad, that's all.
1417
01:16:45,769 --> 01:16:48,071
Oh, I'm sorry.
1418
01:16:48,171 --> 01:16:50,306
If you want to come up
and stay at the house
while we're gone,
1419
01:16:50,406 --> 01:16:51,775
I'm sure
that would be fine.
1420
01:16:51,875 --> 01:16:54,210
I would just like you
to ask Mike directly.
1421
01:16:54,310 --> 01:16:57,346
No, I'd rather not.
1422
01:16:57,446 --> 01:16:59,382
I don't want to ask
any more favors.
1423
01:16:59,482 --> 01:17:01,384
Well, he's happy
to do favors for you.
1424
01:17:01,484 --> 01:17:03,687
He loves you.
I-- Just, please.
1425
01:17:03,753 --> 01:17:07,123
If you decide
you want to come up
and stay for a few days,
1426
01:17:07,223 --> 01:17:08,725
all you have to do is ask.
1427
01:17:08,825 --> 01:17:11,494
You know what?
I will if I go there.
1428
01:17:11,695 --> 01:17:13,029
I love you, Mommy.
1429
01:17:13,129 --> 01:17:15,899
I love you, too, sweetie,
Feel better.
1430
01:17:27,911 --> 01:17:31,214
[gasping]
1431
01:17:31,314 --> 01:17:34,784
Today I will clean.
1432
01:17:49,933 --> 01:17:52,001
Ugh...
1433
01:17:52,101 --> 01:17:54,103
Damn it.
1434
01:17:54,203 --> 01:17:59,242
Would you please stop
returning your W-2 form
to me personally?
1435
01:17:59,342 --> 01:18:03,279
You're supposed
to mail these to the IRS.
1436
01:18:03,379 --> 01:18:05,882
Oh. Thanks.
1437
01:18:05,982 --> 01:18:11,755
Would you please stop
returning your W-2 form
to me personally?
1438
01:18:11,788 --> 01:18:14,657
You're supposed to mail these
to the IRS.
1439
01:18:14,758 --> 01:18:16,192
You're supposed to mail these
to the IRS.
1440
01:18:16,292 --> 01:18:17,360
Mommy...
1441
01:18:19,295 --> 01:18:23,199
I don't mind paying
for your parking tickets
when you get them,
1442
01:18:23,299 --> 01:18:24,868
but if you don't pay them,
1443
01:18:24,968 --> 01:18:27,203
since it's my car,
it goes against my credit.
1444
01:18:27,303 --> 01:18:30,774
Just call this number here
when you get one.
1445
01:18:30,840 --> 01:18:33,843
It's my CPA, and she will
handle the tickets.
1446
01:18:33,943 --> 01:18:35,812
Thanks. They're already
taken take of.
1447
01:18:35,912 --> 01:18:38,247
- Call this number...
- Mail these to the IRS.
1448
01:18:38,347 --> 01:18:41,284
...when you get one.
It's my CPA. She will
handle the tickets.
1449
01:18:41,384 --> 01:18:43,887
I've got to call.
1450
01:18:43,987 --> 01:18:48,157
Don't get the phone--
I have to pay
the phone bill.
1451
01:18:48,257 --> 01:18:49,458
Verizon bill.
1452
01:18:52,395 --> 01:18:54,263
Verizon!
1453
01:18:54,363 --> 01:18:56,299
$487?
1454
01:18:56,399 --> 01:18:58,802
For cable?
1455
01:18:58,902 --> 01:19:00,870
There's a check
around here somewhere.
1456
01:19:00,970 --> 01:19:02,205
Where's the paycheck?
1457
01:19:02,305 --> 01:19:04,808
Call this number...
1458
01:19:04,908 --> 01:19:06,342
Aha!
1459
01:19:08,812 --> 01:19:11,380
$493. Thank you,
Mrs. Shelby.
1460
01:19:11,480 --> 01:19:17,653
[repetitive dialogue continues]
1461
01:19:17,887 --> 01:19:18,955
[dial tone]
1462
01:19:19,055 --> 01:19:20,423
Hi, Verizon?
1463
01:19:20,523 --> 01:19:22,658
I have
a personal check here.
1464
01:19:22,826 --> 01:19:26,662
I just want to...
turn my phone back on.
1465
01:19:26,830 --> 01:19:30,466
If you have no credit or debit
card or a checking account,
you will need a money order.
1466
01:19:30,566 --> 01:19:32,401
How do I do that?
1467
01:19:32,501 --> 01:19:35,404
Do you have a state-issued
I.D. card?
1468
01:19:35,504 --> 01:19:36,572
No.
1469
01:19:36,840 --> 01:19:37,841
Passport?
1470
01:19:37,907 --> 01:19:40,243
No. I lost it.
1471
01:19:40,343 --> 01:19:42,645
Social security card?
1472
01:19:42,912 --> 01:19:44,347
No.
1473
01:19:44,447 --> 01:19:46,249
I'm sorry, sir,
I can't help you.
1474
01:19:46,349 --> 01:19:47,416
- [banging on door]
- Jeff!
1475
01:19:47,516 --> 01:19:48,852
Where the fuck's my rent?
1476
01:19:48,952 --> 01:19:51,855
I'll give it to you
in a minute.
1477
01:19:51,955 --> 01:19:54,891
All right, hurry up.
I'll be in New York.
1478
01:20:09,438 --> 01:20:12,375
Take me, Jeff.
I'll play in my box.
1479
01:20:12,475 --> 01:20:14,343
There's pumas and everything.
1480
01:20:14,443 --> 01:20:15,411
- Come with me!
- Not now!
1481
01:20:15,511 --> 01:20:16,679
It's so much fun in here.
1482
01:20:16,880 --> 01:20:18,848
Leave me alone!
1483
01:20:18,948 --> 01:20:21,985
I'll play with
your nut sack, Jeff.
Jeff, come in here.
1484
01:20:22,085 --> 01:20:24,587
I want you
to come and play.
1485
01:20:28,024 --> 01:20:30,426
Jeff, come here.
1486
01:20:30,526 --> 01:20:31,660
I just have to do a...
1487
01:20:31,895 --> 01:20:33,930
Come here.
1488
01:20:34,030 --> 01:20:35,932
Jeff, get over here!
1489
01:20:36,032 --> 01:20:38,935
Hold on! God damn you!
Hold on!
1490
01:20:39,035 --> 01:20:42,005
I gotta--
I'm going to the store.
Going to the store.
1491
01:20:42,105 --> 01:20:45,008
- Be right back.
- Jeff!
1492
01:20:45,108 --> 01:20:46,809
Stop that car right now!
1493
01:20:46,910 --> 01:20:49,578
You said you needed milk,
so I figured...
1494
01:20:53,917 --> 01:20:56,485
Hi. My name is Jeff,
and I'm an alcoholic.
1495
01:20:56,585 --> 01:20:57,853
[all]
Hi, Jeff.
1496
01:20:57,954 --> 01:21:01,757
I swore I wouldn't
come back to the rooms.
1497
01:21:01,857 --> 01:21:06,795
Yesterday was
a difficult day for me.
1498
01:21:06,930 --> 01:21:10,133
I needed comfort.
I had to go home.
1499
01:21:19,475 --> 01:21:21,945
The first thing that Mike did
when he moved in was...
1500
01:21:22,011 --> 01:21:26,349
he hung up a replica of
the fast trout I caught.
1501
01:21:26,449 --> 01:21:29,552
Your mother said it looked
just like the one you got.
1502
01:21:29,652 --> 01:21:33,056
I think it might have been
a little bigger, Mike.
Jeff is an excellent fisherman.
1503
01:21:33,156 --> 01:21:34,757
Uh...
1504
01:21:34,991 --> 01:21:36,659
Jeff...
1505
01:21:36,759 --> 01:21:38,794
I want you to know
that I bought this house
1506
01:21:38,962 --> 01:21:41,664
because I want you
and your mother
1507
01:21:41,764 --> 01:21:44,968
to have a place
where you can always go
1508
01:21:45,034 --> 01:21:48,972
and feel like
things haven't changed.
1509
01:21:49,038 --> 01:21:50,073
You understand me?
1510
01:21:50,173 --> 01:21:51,975
Yeah.
1511
01:21:54,610 --> 01:21:58,081
I loved that trout.
1512
01:21:58,181 --> 01:22:00,583
The house was a haven,
1513
01:22:00,683 --> 01:22:03,819
always open to me,
provided l asked.
1514
01:22:03,987 --> 01:22:06,122
Instead of using
the furnace,
1515
01:22:06,222 --> 01:22:09,825
which would have caused
a noticeable spike
in the heating bill,
1516
01:22:09,993 --> 01:22:15,564
I used a space heater
to keep me warm while
I lay on the couch.
1517
01:23:07,283 --> 01:23:09,552
I slept so soundly.
1518
01:23:09,652 --> 01:23:14,190
And then... I smelt it.
1519
01:23:14,290 --> 01:23:16,292
[sniffs]
1520
01:23:20,196 --> 01:23:22,565
What-- Oh, shit!
1521
01:23:22,665 --> 01:23:26,235
Shit! Fuck.
Oh, shit.
1522
01:23:29,305 --> 01:23:30,739
Oh, Jesus.
1523
01:23:40,716 --> 01:23:43,086
[door opens, closes]
1524
01:23:43,152 --> 01:23:45,088
[running footsteps]
1525
01:23:48,824 --> 01:23:52,095
Something very bad
has happened.
1526
01:23:55,731 --> 01:23:58,534
I just-- I've come from the--
1527
01:24:00,203 --> 01:24:03,939
Mike, I did
some rewiring work
a week or two ago.
1528
01:24:04,107 --> 01:24:08,144
Some of the old stuff you had in
there looked a little dangerous.
1529
01:24:10,113 --> 01:24:12,681
I got insurance,
so I'm protected
if I made a mistake,
1530
01:24:12,781 --> 01:24:17,120
but I tell you, I really
thought I made it safer.
1531
01:24:17,153 --> 01:24:21,157
See, Mike?
Andy could've started it.
1532
01:24:21,257 --> 01:24:23,159
Jeff, you weren't here
last night, were you?
1533
01:24:23,259 --> 01:24:26,162
Like I was saying,
that wiring was pretty old.
1534
01:24:26,262 --> 01:24:30,133
I'll probably lose my license.
1535
01:24:30,199 --> 01:24:33,136
But hell, if did that,
I deserve it.
1536
01:24:33,169 --> 01:24:35,638
[Mommy]
Andy, you've done such great
work for us, but this time--
1537
01:24:35,738 --> 01:24:37,440
[Andy]
I know, I know.
1538
01:24:37,540 --> 01:24:39,675
[Mommy]
Thank God, it was you,
Andy. Thank God!
1539
01:24:39,775 --> 01:24:42,145
It was me.
1540
01:24:43,746 --> 01:24:46,249
I was here.
1541
01:24:46,349 --> 01:24:48,484
I didn't want you to see
that I was here,
1542
01:24:48,584 --> 01:24:52,221
so I used a space heater
instead of turning on
the furnace.
1543
01:24:52,321 --> 01:24:56,058
I, uh, I accidentally
burnt one of the cushions.
1544
01:24:56,159 --> 01:24:57,726
I tried to hide it, okay?
1545
01:24:57,826 --> 01:25:01,797
That's how the fire started.
It was my fault, not Andy's.
1546
01:25:01,897 --> 01:25:05,501
I burned your house down.
1547
01:25:05,601 --> 01:25:06,735
I'm sorry, Mike.
1548
01:25:21,250 --> 01:25:24,320
Go sit in the fucking car.
1549
01:25:33,262 --> 01:25:36,265
I'm so sorry, darling.
1550
01:25:37,400 --> 01:25:39,202
[Mommy]
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
1551
01:25:39,268 --> 01:25:43,272
Wait a second.
I found something!
1552
01:25:44,773 --> 01:25:47,210
Look what I found!
1553
01:25:48,677 --> 01:25:51,280
I'm gonna run a hose
from the auxiliary,
all right?
1554
01:25:51,380 --> 01:25:53,749
It's Jeff's fish!
1555
01:25:56,685 --> 01:25:58,721
So...
1556
01:25:58,821 --> 01:26:03,592
the only thing that's left of
the house in which I grew up
1557
01:26:03,692 --> 01:26:08,231
is a replica of the very
first trout I ever caught
1558
01:26:08,297 --> 01:26:10,733
melted down
to its original size.
1559
01:26:10,833 --> 01:26:14,303
[giggling]
1560
01:26:17,240 --> 01:26:18,807
[woman]
You're a hot man, honey.
1561
01:26:18,907 --> 01:26:21,244
Hah! You're hot!
1562
01:26:39,862 --> 01:26:42,398
[whistling, applauding]
1563
01:26:45,067 --> 01:26:47,870
Definitely.
I burned the house down.
1564
01:26:47,970 --> 01:26:49,905
I burned it down.
1565
01:26:50,005 --> 01:26:51,274
It's his house.
1566
01:26:51,374 --> 01:26:54,277
They're right there.
Say hi, Mike.
1567
01:26:54,343 --> 01:26:56,111
That's my stepdad.
1568
01:26:56,279 --> 01:26:58,381
There's my lovely mommy.
Yeah.
1569
01:26:58,481 --> 01:27:02,150
And the trout, it started off
right about here,
1570
01:27:02,285 --> 01:27:05,621
and then it melted down to
pretty much its original size.
1571
01:27:05,721 --> 01:27:07,656
If you guys want to
go and see it, you can.
1572
01:27:07,756 --> 01:27:10,759
It's mounted at my mommy and
Mike's new house in Florida.
1573
01:27:10,859 --> 01:27:13,161
You're going to have to
go by yourself because,
1574
01:27:13,296 --> 01:27:16,131
as you can guess, yeah,
I'm not invited.
1575
01:27:16,299 --> 01:27:18,767
[laughter, applause]
1576
01:27:18,867 --> 01:27:22,305
You can put your shoes back on
now because I'm out of here.
1577
01:27:22,371 --> 01:27:26,442
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
1578
01:27:26,542 --> 01:27:28,511
Thank you.
1579
01:27:33,449 --> 01:27:35,918
* I need a hero
1580
01:27:36,018 --> 01:27:40,989
* I'm holding out for a hero
'til the end of the night *
1581
01:27:41,089 --> 01:27:44,727
Uh, how does
comedy pay, Jeff?
1582
01:27:44,827 --> 01:27:47,363
You know, it doesn't
really pay all that well.
1583
01:27:47,463 --> 01:27:48,964
I know what you're thinking.
You don't have to worry.
1584
01:27:49,064 --> 01:27:50,866
I'm going to pay you back
for the yacht and the house
1585
01:27:50,966 --> 01:27:53,636
and all the things
you don't even know about.
1586
01:27:53,736 --> 01:27:55,371
- I got a new job.
- Oh?
1587
01:27:55,471 --> 01:27:56,939
Yeah. I'm pretty sure
I'm gonna keep this one.
1588
01:27:57,039 --> 01:27:58,874
Well!
1589
01:27:58,974 --> 01:28:01,744
I got something I think
you're gonna like.
1590
01:28:01,844 --> 01:28:04,347
Take the bricks,
put them in that bin.
1591
01:28:04,413 --> 01:28:07,149
Glass, yellow bin.
Metal in the blue bin.
1592
01:28:07,350 --> 01:28:09,452
Thank you, Lenny.
1593
01:28:12,788 --> 01:28:15,190
You're my mentor.
I take care of you, okay?
1594
01:28:15,358 --> 01:28:18,126
But get moving 'cause I want
to get to the Kick Starters
meeting by 7:30.
1595
01:28:18,361 --> 01:28:20,429
You got it.
1596
01:28:33,976 --> 01:28:35,544
Whoo!
1597
01:28:38,981 --> 01:28:42,385
I don't know if I'll ever
amount to anything in life,
1598
01:28:42,451 --> 01:28:45,488
if I'll ever be
able to overcome
my learning disabilities,
1599
01:28:45,588 --> 01:28:50,393
but I'm going to try to
take care of the details.
1600
01:28:50,426 --> 01:28:54,930
I also decided that before
I get too old or before
I'm institutionalized
1601
01:28:55,030 --> 01:28:57,065
that I might as well
make an effort
1602
01:28:57,165 --> 01:28:59,968
at tackling a learning disabled
person's biggest nightmare--
1603
01:29:00,068 --> 01:29:02,805
to captain a boat.
1604
01:29:02,905 --> 01:29:04,807
[Lynn]
Jeff!
1605
01:29:08,544 --> 01:29:09,878
Captain!
1606
01:29:14,517 --> 01:29:15,984
I tried calling you.
1607
01:29:16,084 --> 01:29:18,521
For once, your phone
wasn't shut off.
1608
01:29:18,621 --> 01:29:22,124
Your landlord told me
that I could find you here.
1609
01:29:22,224 --> 01:29:26,862
Look. I found this mixed in
with Terry's boating things.
1610
01:29:26,962 --> 01:29:28,964
They published your
letter to the editor.
1611
01:29:29,064 --> 01:29:30,466
Wow.
1612
01:29:30,566 --> 01:29:32,267
They didn't change anything.
1613
01:29:32,435 --> 01:29:34,803
Not even the mistakes.
1614
01:29:37,940 --> 01:29:40,876
Is that mine?
1615
01:29:40,976 --> 01:29:42,945
I honestly don't know.
1616
01:29:43,045 --> 01:29:46,314
Wow.
1617
01:29:46,449 --> 01:29:48,784
That's great either way.
1618
01:29:48,884 --> 01:29:51,920
I would love to be a father
or a stepfather.
1619
01:29:52,020 --> 01:29:54,457
I got a lot of experience
with my own.
1620
01:29:54,557 --> 01:29:58,026
Jeff, I wanted
to talk to you.
1621
01:29:58,126 --> 01:29:59,928
I left Terry.
1622
01:30:01,464 --> 01:30:03,165
Great.
1623
01:30:04,900 --> 01:30:07,870
Do you want to go fishing?
I got an extra rod.
1624
01:30:07,970 --> 01:30:10,405
The open sea is
a perfect place to chat.
1625
01:30:10,506 --> 01:30:12,941
Oh, I don't know
if that's such a good idea.
1626
01:30:13,041 --> 01:30:16,011
It's not just me anymore.
1627
01:30:16,111 --> 01:30:18,547
Right. Good point.
1628
01:30:18,647 --> 01:30:20,949
Do you want to fish
off the dock?
1629
01:30:23,185 --> 01:30:25,688
- Okay.
- All right.
1630
01:30:30,025 --> 01:30:33,462
Wow. Victory.
It's a nice boat.
1631
01:30:33,562 --> 01:30:35,330
* Another night
The stars are bright *
1632
01:30:35,430 --> 01:30:37,866
* But I know things
just aren't quite right *
1633
01:30:37,966 --> 01:30:40,669
* I'm sad and blue
1634
01:30:42,270 --> 01:30:43,839
* Oh, please, Mr. Moon
1635
01:30:43,939 --> 01:30:45,941
* Oh, won't you bring me soon
1636
01:30:46,041 --> 01:30:50,546
* A love that's oh, so true
1637
01:30:50,646 --> 01:30:53,616
* Got a whole lotta love
in my heart *
1638
01:30:53,716 --> 01:30:58,621
* But no one to give it to
1639
01:30:58,721 --> 01:31:01,924
* Waiting for you
1640
01:31:02,024 --> 01:31:05,594
* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *
1641
01:31:05,694 --> 01:31:08,664
[Jeff]
By the way,
you want a cup of coffee?
1642
01:31:08,764 --> 01:31:10,666
* Every day that passes by
1643
01:31:10,766 --> 01:31:13,135
* Another tear
falls from my eye *
1644
01:31:13,235 --> 01:31:15,003
* I'm not too strong
1645
01:31:17,105 --> 01:31:21,143
* So no matter where you are
beyond the land or sea afar *
1646
01:31:21,243 --> 01:31:24,146
* Oh, please don't
take too long *
1647
01:31:25,681 --> 01:31:28,116
* Anticipating
your sweet love *
1648
01:31:28,216 --> 01:31:34,122
* I am waiting to get
all your kisses true *
1649
01:31:34,222 --> 01:31:37,092
* Waiting for you
1650
01:31:37,192 --> 01:31:42,598
* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *
1651
01:31:44,032 --> 01:31:47,069
* You can't miss me, darlin'
1652
01:31:47,169 --> 01:31:52,608
* I'll be so easy to find
1653
01:31:52,708 --> 01:31:56,945
* Standing here, reaching up
1654
01:31:57,045 --> 01:32:01,416
* With my arms open wide
1655
01:32:01,584 --> 01:32:03,652
* You'll know me
by my lonely eyes *
1656
01:32:03,752 --> 01:32:06,154
* It won't be hard
to recognize me *
1657
01:32:06,254 --> 01:32:08,624
* You will see
1658
01:32:10,158 --> 01:32:12,327
* A girl who's standing
all alone *
1659
01:32:12,427 --> 01:32:14,630
* With no sweet man
to call her own *
1660
01:32:14,730 --> 01:32:18,300
* So hurry, please
1661
01:32:18,400 --> 01:32:21,604
* I've got a whole lotta love
in my heart *
1662
01:32:21,704 --> 01:32:26,141
* But no one to give it to
1663
01:32:27,242 --> 01:32:30,045
* Waiting for you
1664
01:32:30,145 --> 01:32:35,718
* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *
1665
01:32:35,818 --> 01:32:38,721
* Waiting for you
1666
01:32:38,821 --> 01:32:44,026
* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *
1667
01:32:44,126 --> 01:32:47,329
* Just waiting for you
1668
01:32:47,429 --> 01:32:53,268
* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *
1669
01:32:53,368 --> 01:32:56,204
* Waiting for you
1670
01:32:56,304 --> 01:33:02,210
* Oh, Mr. Love Man
when you gonna make it true? *
1671
01:33:02,310 --> 01:33:05,113
* Waiting for you
1672
01:33:05,213 --> 01:33:08,651
* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *
1673
01:33:08,717 --> 01:33:10,753
[Announcer]
All right, here we go.
We have your next act.
1674
01:33:10,853 --> 01:33:14,022
What can I say about
this funny guy? Funny man.
1675
01:33:14,122 --> 01:33:16,024
You probably saw him
on the Luggage Channel.
1676
01:33:16,124 --> 01:33:20,095
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jeff Nichols, everybody.
Jeff Nichols!
1677
01:33:20,195 --> 01:33:24,667
This guy looks like Rain Man
and Forrest Gump on crack,
don't I, a little bit?
1678
01:33:24,700 --> 01:33:27,169
I sound like Rudy Giuliani
on Nyquil, don't I,
a little bit?
1679
01:33:27,269 --> 01:33:30,773
I'm a friggin' mess.
My life is a disaster,
1680
01:33:30,873 --> 01:33:33,676
I should've been
out of this business like
before I walked on stage.
1681
01:33:33,742 --> 01:33:35,110
How you doin'?
All right.
1682
01:33:35,210 --> 01:33:37,680
I subbed for years,
five years in the Bronx.
1683
01:33:37,713 --> 01:33:39,682
I taught school
in the Bronx and Queens.
1684
01:33:39,715 --> 01:33:41,984
I taught in--
You gonna call my bluff?
1685
01:33:42,084 --> 01:33:48,223
No. I taught in
like a lot of them
'cause I sucked.
1686
01:33:48,323 --> 01:33:50,325
I sucked.
1687
01:33:50,425 --> 01:33:54,129
True. The first day I school,
I went to the principal.
1688
01:33:54,229 --> 01:33:56,765
I go to the principal.
I go, "I'm a comic.
I drive around.
1689
01:33:56,865 --> 01:33:58,600
What wisdom can I
impart to these kids?
1690
01:33:58,701 --> 01:34:01,369
What can I possibly
teach these kids?"
1691
01:34:01,469 --> 01:34:03,706
She goes, "Don't worry,
just teach the kids
what you know,
1692
01:34:03,772 --> 01:34:05,240
what you're good at."
1693
01:34:05,340 --> 01:34:07,710
First day of school,
everyone: "Today, kids,
1694
01:34:07,743 --> 01:34:10,813
we're gonna learn how
to stare at women 'til
they get uncomfortable."
1695
01:34:10,913 --> 01:34:14,616
[laughter]
1696
01:34:14,717 --> 01:34:18,787
"Today, kids, we're
going to learn to have
an anxiety attack."
115790