All language subtitles for The.Guru.2002.WEBRip.x264-ION10-English

( mystical sitar music playing )

( singing in Hindi )

( singing in Hindi )

( music continues
in the distance )

( You're The One
That I Want playing )

♪ I got chills ♪

♪ They're multiplyin' ♪

♪ And I'm losin' control ♪

♪ 'Cause the power
you're supplyin' ♪

♪ It's electrifyin' ♪

♪ You're the one
that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

♪ The one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

♪ The one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

( The Macarena playing )

You can all dance like that.

No. Impossible.

You can.

Dance is like love.

Just move your feet
to the beat of your heart.

♪ Hey, macarena ♪

Go, yes. Come on.
Follow your inner beat.

Come on, ladies!

Move your feet
to the beat of your heart.

( music stops )

I told you
you could do it!

Ladies, I have an announcement.

I'm sad to say that today will
be my last day here at Shanti
Dance and Modern Movement.

What? Why is that?
No.

My classes will be taken over
by Sister Munju Murthi,
a nun from Kerala.

But why?
Where are you going?

To America.
You going to drive
a cab there?

A cab? No way.
I'm going to be a star.

You can do that?
Of course you can.

Anything's possible
in America.

Look at my friend, Vijay Rao.

The one with
the red Mercedes?
And the penthouse?

He went there with nothing,
no job, no money, no visa.

And he's a big success.

I don't want to dance
with a nun.

( women giggle )

Bye. Take care.

WOMAN: Bye!

WOMAN 2: Have a nice trip!
Bye!

( upbeat Indian song playing )

I wanted
a spring wedding.
Thank you.

I was going to bake
a mango cake.

You'll end up working
in some restaurant.
With bad food.

And soon you'll be back
begging me for a decent life.

Maybe you're right, Dad.

Maybe I'm better off
staying here and becoming
a salaried man.

Don't even say that.
But I tell my students...

"Move your feet to the beat
of your heart," and my heart
is telling me to go to America.

I've dreamt of it my whole life.

Don't worry.
I'll be fine.

You'll not only be fine,
you'll be famous.

Like Ricky Martin.

Mira, be careful, huh?

Your bike!

( all shouting farewell )

Hey, man. Can I get
your autograph?

( both shouting )

So your flight was good?
Yeah, man.

And how's your sister?
Okay.

Is the Mercedes
in the shop or something?

Or something.

This is the penthouse?

It's the top floor.

It's the only floor.

You're a real bastard,
you know that?

Come on, yaar, if I'd
told you the truth,
you never would have come.

Immigration!
Open up!

SANJIV: Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

This is Amit. He's a nerd.
What's up, yaar?

That's Sanjiv.
He's illegal.

And an idiot!

Hey. I was reading, Vij.

Oh, hey, Ramu!

( speaks in Hindi ) Welcome.

So good to meet you.
Now the rent goes down.

Welcome my boy Ram
to America.

( chanting in Hindi )

To America!
Whee!

( pounding on the wall )
MAN: Shut the fuck up!

RAMU: I know
it's been a while, but...

The penthouse is beautiful.

Vijay is doing really well.

No, no. New York is great.

Your samosas are getting cold.

That was the butler.
My samosas are getting cold.

Better go, Nanima.
Namaste.

( people chattering )

PATRON: That guy's totally lame.

How long can that guy go
for the "working late" crap?

What is this? I ordered
the chicken tikka masala.

That is
chicken tikka masala, sir.

( mimicking accent )
That is not chicken
tikka masala, sir.

( chuckling )
That is definitely
chicken tikka masala.

Dude, I know
chicken fucking tikka masala,
and that's not it.

So how about you take your
skinny brown ass back to
the kitchen and get me some.

Yes, sir.
I'm sorry, dude.

( people gasping )

No chance. I even told him
you've got ten kids and your
wife's in a wheelchair.

I don't care.
I don't want that
stupid job back.

Come on, man. You've got
a roof over your head
and food in your belly.

What more do you want?

I want what you promised me
in your letters.

So did you, Vij.

The penthouse,
the Mercedes...

( scoffs ) So what happened
to your business empire, huh?
What happened to that?

It's not that easy.
I don't want it to be easy.

I just want my chance.

Look, maybe I'm not
good enough.

Maybe all I can do is be
a waiter, but I want
my chance to find out.

Isn't that
the American dream?

You're a fool.

Do you know why they call it
the American dream?

Because it only happens
when you're asleep.

MAN: Next!

I'm here for the audition.
Ramu Gupta.

Tell me something
I don't know.

My mother comes from Hyderabad.

My father wanted to marry
a Muslim girl

but his family
wouldn't let him.

Everybody's a comedian.

What did you say
your name was?
Ram Chandra Gupta.

Actor, dancer.

Okay, Rammy, what would you
say your specialty is?

Well, um, I move smooth.

I take instruction easily.
I'm not afraid
to try new things.

Good. We like that.

Uh, how big are you hard?

Yes, I work very hard.

No. Your johnson...
How big is your johnson?

Johnson?
Your wand.

Your pork sword.
Your bologna pony.

Would you like to see
my "Macarena"?

Mac... Is that what
the kids call it
in your part of the world?

Okay, let me see
your Macarena.

( humming melody )

♪ Hey, the Macarena ♪

Hey, you want to lose the pants?

Is that part of the movie?

Could be.

I get it.

Like Tom Cruise
in Risky Business, huh?

( piano rock 'n' roll
intro playing )

( upbeat Hindi song playing )

( song stops playing )

All right.

Yeah, you could be big.

Oh, yes. Very big.

I can see that.

I got to tell you,
most guys come in here,

they wax the dolphin,
that's it, it's over.

And you dance. I like that.

Thank you.

Yeah. Plus you got this
really interesting look.

It's kind of this Oriental
cabana-boy thing happening.

You're unique, Rammy.
You could be a big star.

Yes, sir. I know.

( snoring )
I'm telling you, I'm the star,
like John Travolta.

Pulp Fiction Travolta

or Urban Cowboy Travolta?

Grease Travolta.

How many lines do you have?
I haven't seen the script yet.

I know your lines. Just like
your lines in the restaurant.

"Would you like chutney
with your chapattis or
pompoloms with your paneer?"

"Would you like nachos
with your Big Gulp?"

Piss off, man.
( chuckling )

Oh, I'm sorry.
Good for you, yaar.

Come on. Tell us about it.

What role are you playing?

Man in turban working
in gas station.

You guys can make all
the jokes you want, but this is
a real movie, and I am the star.

CAMERAMAN:
Clock's ticking. Come on.

DWAIN: Okey-dokey pokey.
Actors on the set.

For a starring role,
I don't have a lot of lines.

What are you doing?

Giving Mr. Happy a shine.

He gets more screen time
than your face.

What?
DWAIN: Any sign
of our Mr. Rammy?

Okay, now.
No time for nerves.

You got to get out there.
Baby, don't you want to
be in the movie?

But a real movie.

Not... pornography.

Oh, sugar, please.

Everybody has to
start somewhere.

DWAIN: So it's one, two,
and the inserts and we're done.

There's my Jane.
Now where's my Tarzan?

Hey, there's the Ram.

Everyone meet Rammy.

Meet your co-star, Sharonna.

Hello.

Hello.
All right. Let's rock.
Come on.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

Okay, Rammy, you live on this
desert island, obviously,

and you've basically been
in the bushes beating
your meat the whole life.

One day you're skipping
on the beach,
and you see this

hot power-suited mama here,
and you just want to teach
her your native tongue.

Hindi?

Sharonna, you're
the junior senator
from Wisconsin.

You've come to investigate
a nuclear dump site that's
contaminating the marine life.

Okay. Roll camera.

We are rolling.

DWAIN: Action.

Hello, I'm Senator Snatch.

I'm here on official
government business.

Are the natives here friendly?

The natives here
are restless, Senator.

You look hot
in that power suit.

I didn't realize
the tropics would be
so warm.

( exhales )

RAMU: The temperature isn't
the only thing here that's up.

DWAIN: Cut!

Brilliant.

Uh, nice moment, Rammy,
but we're not doing this
for Lifetime. Okay?

You see her,
you screw her,
we go home.

Also, you're happy
skipping along the beach.
You know?

Life is good.

Skip, screw, happy.
Got it.

"Guess Who's Coming
at Dinner", take two.

Hello, I'm Senator Snatch.
I'm here on...

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Pretty rough stuff.
( moaning )

Problem?
We don't have wood.

Stand by.
Holding on wood.

Standing by for wood.

We are holding on wood!

Do you have
an erection problem?

No, sir.
Ask the makeup girl.

She's a guy.

I'm more woman than you'll
ever have, pencil dick.

Sorry, dude.

DWAIN: Get hard or get going.

( motivating himself
in Hindi )

It's just sex, silly.

CAMERAMAN: Where did you
find this guy?

DWAIN: Uh, he found me.

You know, we could have
had Waldo.

No. No, no. Waldo's
too hairy for this.

Natives don't have
a lot of back hair.

It's just the idea
of being naked

in front of all
these... people.

The trick is not to be
naked up here.

Other actors get costumes,
but we don't, or at least
not for very long.

So your naked body
is really just your costume.

I promise, in India,
I'm a real stud.

If you and I could just
go somewhere by ourselves
without people watching...

There's always
someone watching.

Dwain?
God, silly.

God is watching us.
Yeah.

But not for kicks.

I mean, the universe
isn't run by some big, old perv.

What do you mean?

I mean, the same God
who made the rose
and the ocean made me.

My body is made
to have sex.

Just like the rosebud
is made to open.

Wow.

We're in. Places, please.

Short five. Sorry, everybody.

The most powerful
sexual organ God gave us
is our brain.

Think about it.

Action.

Okey-dokey, pokey.

( moaning )

DWAIN: Cut! What now?

I can't stop thinking
about God.

And therefore,
I cannot achieve wood.

I see.

Sharonna, you got to
help me out here.
Baby, please?

Forget it, Dwain.
If I'm late again
meeting Rusty,

he's gonna get suspicious.

Doesn't this guy ever go
to a video store?

Hey, that's good.

Be a great character
for you.

We haven't done a schoolteacher
number in a while, not since
The Prime of Miss Jean's Booty.

See ya.
Sharonna, please.

Taxi! Taxi!

Sharonna!
I'm in a hurry.

( siren wailing )

Hey, guys, you seen
Miss Lynell around?

Who?

Tellin' ya, bro.
She's two-timing you
with the librarian.

Why don't we go to O'Neal's?
Drown out your sorrows.

Rusty! Hey!

Hi, sweetie.

Thanks, guys. I'll catch you
in the "a.m.", Randy.

Not if I catch you
first, firebug!

Where you been, princess?

Oh, um, one of the foreign
students had a problem
straightening out his grammar.

Bye, guys!

Not a very friendly group.

They're never nice
to substitutes.

Hello. Nice to see you,
Mr. and Mrs. Borman.

Thank you.
Service entrance
is downstairs.

Okay.

Good evening.
Good evening.

Lars, your sister
has locked herself
in the bathroom again.

Please get her now.

( speaking in Hindi )

Yo, swami. You really
see the future?

A couple more of these
and I do.

As many of you know,
our birthday girl

is on a little quest
for spirituality.

Om.

Om.

( sobbing )

( sobbing continues )

LARS: Lex?

One more "Om"
and then you have to
come to your party.

It always has to be
what she wants,
even on my birthday.

I wanted a Tibetean gathering
with a rinpoche.

But no. She does
an Indian feast with a...

World-famous swami.

All those people
care about is sex and money.

If they have the money,
they care about the sex.

If they have the sex,
they care about money.

And if they have both,
they feel guilty and raise money
for the opera.

More tandoori in the library.
Swami, you're on.

( body thuds )

CHANTAL: Alexandra's searched
for so many years...

...in the shoe department
at Bergdorf's...

She has searched
for the perfect diet,

the perfect
rock-star boyfriend.

Yes, well, it seems Lexi
will search for anything
except steady employment.

( people chuckling )

So, dear Lexi, in honor
of your current fixation,

I give you Swami Bu.

VIJAY: Swami Bu has gone
to another dimension.

I swear she was 16.

Mrs. Von Austerberg
is going to kill me!

She paid a lot of money
for a swami, and now
we have no swami.

We have jack shit.

Or we don't have jack shit.

I don't know which one it is!

What we do have
is a drunk bastard! You...

Didn't I fire you?

Rasphal, I was just wondering
about my job.

You really want your job back?

Mr. Ramu "Tom Cruise" Gupta?

Swami Bu.

Swami Bu!

( chuckling )
I'm conjuring up
a swami.

Oh, here he is.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Swami Bu.

Not long ago,

a wise man told me that
all people care about

is sex and money
and opera.

Now, my-myself, I...

I don't have any money,
well, because I'm a swami.

And, uh, swamis
don't like opera,

because, well,
you can't dance to it.

So I will talk to you about sex.

What did you pay for this?

God, is it hot in here.

God...

God... wants us to have sex.

And if God wants us
to have sex,

then, well,
it can't be bad.

Because the universe isn't run
by a big old perv.

Glad he cleared
that up.

Your naked body...

...is like a costume
that you wear
to be yourself.

Be comfortable...

...in your nakedness.

The most powerful
sexual organ God gave you
is your brain.

Think about it.

Are you thinking?

My whole body
is about to think.

And like roses are made
to open, so must you.

You... must open
your rosebud.

( snapping fingers )

( Indian dance music playing )

Dance is like love.

Join me.

Follow your inner beat.

Is he doing
the Macarena?

Looks like it.

Isn't that the...

I think it's one of
those dervish spiritual
trance dance things.

Huh.

( sings joyous Hindi song )

That's it. Come on.

I thought we were
just going to do
some light chanting.

( song stops )

The Macarena, man.

Oh, shut up.

Swami Bu!

We're going clubbing.
You want to come?

Unless it's against
your religion or something.

Oh, no. My religion
believes in clubbing.

Swami Bu!
Call me Ramu.

Ooh. Candles.
We need candles.

Can't have spiritual sex
without candles.

You must use a lot
of candles in India.

When the electricity goes out.

Undress me slowly,

spiritually,
like a goddess.

Pretend I'm, um, Vishnu.

Vishnu is a man.

Kali?

Kali is the goddess
of death and destruction.

Okay.
Death and destruction.

Music!

We need music.

Not really, no.

This is perfect.

It's the Guatemalan Boys Choir.

They're deaf.

( discordant chanting plays )

I'm having sex with a guru.

( Lexi chanting )

Oh, it's so powerful.
I can stand alone.

Feels like we're doing it
right now.

From there, it's like...
Feels like we're doing it.

Right now, from there,
it's like you're pulsating
through me.

It's better from here.
Trust me.

Guru, what is
the most sacred position?

( chanting )

You may find this hard
to believe, but in India,
guru sex is very fast.

What about the slow,
chanting, 200-position sex?

That's Tibet.
Oh.

Where I come from,
we do it very fast.

Like wild monkeys at sundown.

And if we don't, the evil
spirits might grab our tails

and throw us
into the next jungle.

( makes monkey sounds )

You know what?
Don't get me started.

You know what
Father Flanagan says.

"How are you going
to teach kids values if you
haven't lived them yourself?"

Are you gonna hate me
if I make you wait?
No, I love you.

I'm proud to save
myself for you.

You know what?
You're the best.

Honey, could I ask you
a question?
Huh?

How does a nice Catholic
schoolgirl like yourself
learn how to make

all those sexy little sounds?

Me and my friends
used to practice kissing.

On our hands.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

( sports presenter
speaking on TV )

That's silly.
The second half is starting.

LEXI: Remember
when I had that thing with
my African drumming teacher?

I don't know.
He just got really needy.

But this one
is the real thing.

Not a lot of people
know about him yet.

It's up to me to get
his message out there.

Anyway, he's gonna be bigger
than Deepak Chopra.

Ramu is the guru of sex.

♪ What a man
what a man, what a man
what a mighty good man ♪

♪ Say it again, now
What a man, what a man
what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ Yes, he is
a mighty, mighty good man ♪

"The guru of sex."

She really thinks
you can be as famous
as Deepak Chopra?

Who is he?
Does he dance?
No.

He tells Americans
how to get rich
and be happy.

I thought they knew.

You even tried
the Kama Sutra?
No.

Have you?
A little.

By myself.

But, Vijay,
I don't want to be a guru.
I want to be an actor.

Then act like a guru.

It's better than acting
like a waiter.

So who writes the lines
for Deepak Chopra?

They're not lines.
He has a philosophy and shit.

These guru types
don't just put on turbans
and screw chicks.

They say profound things
they've been thinking about
for centuries.

The point is, the guy's
made a gazillion dollars.

A gazillion dollars?

What's that in rupees?
I don't think
they have that many.

"Sex guru."
Why didn't I think of that?

( loud dance music playing )

( people chattering )

LEXI: I want the suede,
not the leather.

I want every color.
No, I'm staying in town.

Have them sent to New York.

Okay? I got to go.

Guru Ramu.

Thank you
for gracing me
with your presence.

Champagne?

I hope you don't mind.
I invited Amy along to join us.
She's a journalist.

( stammers ) A journalist?

No.

So, as the son of
the maharaja, when did
you have your epiphany?

( chuckles )
When I was 15.

Tell us everything.

It was... "I'll touch yours,
you touch mine."

No big deal.

Oh. Um,

do you know
who or what you were

in any of your
previous incarnations?

Dessert?

( cell phone rings )
AMY: Oh, that's me.

Seems like you're
holding back just a little.

The stuff you said
at my party was
so much more powerful.

God and the rosebud
and the naked costume
and all that.

Right. You know, Lexi,
maybe I'm not the one
to do all this.

Wow!

Oh, Alexandra. Hi.

How's your mother?
Ugh. Remarkably lifelike.

Guru Ramu, Kitty.

Guru?
Does he do privates?

Does he ever.
Tuesday?

Perfect.
Heaven.

Ciao.

You do privates, right?

Adios, Waldo.
Great job today.

Thanks.

Hi. It's me.

Rammy.
Hello.

I just wanted to apologize
for what happened
on the set.

I got paid.

Excuse me, sir.
So sorry.
Hey, watch it, pal.

So sorry. Pardon me.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Hello, again.

So now you're stalking me?

No, I was hoping perhaps
I could buy you a cup of tea.

Oh, I don't do that.

Perhaps a coffee then?

Look, Rammy,
I'm engaged to
a nice, normal guy.

You know how hard it is
to find a nice, normal guy
in this city?

Mm-hmm.
Right?

I just want your help
with a professional problem.

Look, would you stop worrying
about it? A lot of guys
can't get it up.

You don't understand.

People are telling me
I could be the next
Deepak Chopra.

Well, I'm not familiar
with Deep-Pack...

...because I don't actually
watch dirty movies on account of
my fiancee's kind of religious.

No. I have an opportunity
to make a lot of money.

Duh! Why do you think
I got into this business?
'Cause it was interesting?

In three years, I saved up
enough money to buy a house

in Throgs Neck and to pay for
the wedding.

Mulberry Street.
Do you want to see the cake?

Hi, I'm Sherri,
I called earlier.
Are you Tony?

Yeah, I got everything
over there.

( exhales )

SHARONNA: That is so...
TONY: Expensive.
It's 800 dollars.

See this one? This is
more in your price range.

Hmm.

That's very nice too.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Actually, sir,
we will order this one.

I want my lovely bride
to be happy.

Rammy, no.

TONY: Now, you two kids discuss
it amongst yourselves, okay?

Rammy, 800 dollars is too much.
I can't accept that.

It's not a gift.

I want you to be my teacher,
and I'm happy to pay
for this privilege.

Okay.

( doorbell rings )

Yeah, come on in.

If this is a bad time,
I can come back later.

What am I doing here?

Isn't this your apartment?

What? Yes,
this is my apartment.

What am I doing
letting you into my apartment?

The other day you said...
Rusty, my boyfriend,
he doesn't know anything

about my X-rated job
out there in the real world.

He thinks that I'm a PG-13 girl,
that I'm a nice, normal girl.

You are.
What?

A nice, normal girl.

You think so?

Wait a second.
Do not flirt with me.

Do not. That is
rule number one.

Okay? And no little
gifts either.

Rule number two.
You don't try to hit on me
or grope me or take advantage

of any situation that you
might find a turn-on.

Do you understand?
This is just a lesson.

I'm a teacher
and you are the student.

Of course!
No touchy-feely.

If you touchy-feely me,
I will hurt you.

I will cause you pain.
I know the art of karate.

Okay.

Okay, rule number three.

If we're gonna do this,
you have to promise me

that everything I say
stays in this room.

You can't tell anyone.
Not a single soul.

See, you don't understand.

Then you can leave right now.

But of course.

Okay. Let's get started.

So the other day,
what happened?

Why did you lose it?

I was afraid.

There were 20 people around,
many drinking coffee,
watching me.

Exactly. Fear.

Fear is cold.
It freezes us up.

Fear of performance, fear of,
um, doing something bad,
something dirty.

What would our parents think?
What do we think?

Do you know where
we hold our fears?

Up here.

Further south.

That's why sex
is such a release.

When we come,
we let go of our fears.

And when we
let go of our fears,
we touch our soul.

So the way I look at it is,

my pussy is the door to my soul.

Why are you afraid, Kitty?

What makes you think
I'm afraid?

I feel it.

Please, close your eyes.

We have so many fears.

Fear of performance.

Fear of doing
something bad.

Fear of what
people will think.

Yes. Yes, yes.

And, uh, do you know where
we hold our fears?

Between our eyebrows
where we get those
yucky little lines?

In our genitals.

That is why sex
is such a release.

When we come,
we let go of our fears...

...and when you
let go of your fears,
you touch your soul.

Your pussy
is the door to your soul.

So, if I touch myself here...

Kitty?

I won't be afraid.

Oh. Uh, excuse me.
How much do I owe you?

Uh, what you wish.

I'm sorry. I, um...
I need to be by myself.

Lexi, he is beyond insightful.

I have to go.

Thank you.
You're welcome. It was
nice to meet... you.

Wow. And she paid me.

You're incredible.

Kitty's such an unhappy person,
and you helped her so much.

Just think, there are
so many unhappy people
out there.

I know most of them.

We can help them together.
I really want to do that.

I've never really done
anything, you know?

Can we do that?
Can we...

Can we help mankind?

I really want to help mankind.

Cool.

o thousand dollars!

( laughs )
It's bloody incredible!

( laughing )

But it's not my wisdom.
It's Sharonna's.

She's giving me
lessons in porno movies,
I can't tell her the truth,

because she made me promise
not to tell anyone.

Great!
Oh, Vij, be serious.

I am, yaar.

Get her wisdom and use it.

Don't you want
to be a star?
Yes.

How do you think
that's going to happen
if you're not a guru?

Name one Indian star
in America. Name one!

That guy from The Simpsons.

He's a cartoon.

Don't you guys have to be
at the restaurant?

Ramu's got a new job.

You're gonna be
a cab driver?

No.

I'm going to be a guru!
( laughing )

Cheers, Guruji.

( upbeat soul music playing )

Ah! Vij! ( sighs )

Come on. You wanna
get comfortable in your
naked costume, don't you?

You need to be comfortable
with your own body.

Okey-dokey, pokey.

Great. Aah!

Your nakedness.

SHARONNA: Say that five times.

I'm a good lover.
I'm a good lover.

And again.
I'm a good lover.

I'm a good lover.

( laughs )
Lover.

I deserve pleasure.

Budweiser, the maharaja
of beers.

( all gasp )

Next.

You two are gonna have
a wonderful weekend.

♪ Oh, got the best of my love ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

I'm a good lover.
Thank you, very good.

I'm a good lover.
That was good! Stop!

♪ You got the best of my love
Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ You got the best of my love ♪

Guru, my brother golfs with
the Maharaja of Jaipur, Bubbles,

and he says
he's never heard of you.

Well, it's a big country.

Gurus shun the life
of wealth and materialism.

Swami Muktananda
said everything is made
of divine consciousness,

and its innermost form
dwells in the center of us all.

Wow. That's good.

( both moaning )

Lexi, can I see you
in the kitchen?

Do you know where it is?

So, Guru...

What would you tell a couple
that has hit a wall?

"Are you all right?

"Can I get you a doctor?"

( laughing )

What in heaven's name
are you doing?

Being happy for a change.

Freely expressing my sexuality.

You are sucking face
with your yoga instructor.

He's not my yoga instructor.
And so what if I am?

Darling, we don't date the help.

Remember what happened
with Aunt Eujanie
and that U.P.S. man?

News flash, Mother.
Not all people of color
are here to serve you.

How dare you say that?

I have served meals
to the homeless.

Good meals.
Things I'd still eat myself
if I still ate carbs.

At any rate,
you are making our guests
feel very uncomfortable.

Ha! They'll get over it!

( gasps )

Darling, come join.

Hi.

MALE GUEST: Yes.
RAMU: Thank you very much.

SHARONNA:
Can you feel it in your mouth?
Can you taste it?

The taste is sweet.
The taste is...

Mint chocolate chip.

Okay. You can
open your eyes now.

I got that
from an acting class.

It helps when you don't
click with someone.

Remember that
we have five senses,

and using them
can make anything sexy.

So, uh, why do you
do these movies?

If you're having doubts
about the business,
you should quit now.

Trust me.

Ah. You like to cook.
Mm-hmm.

Well, in India we call that
a "homely girl."

You know, a girl who likes
to do things in the home.

Yeah, that's me.
Homely girl.

Can I taste?

Hmm.

Cinnamon? Hey.
That's lamb stew.
Mm.

Yeah? So?
It has no flavor.

Come on. Taste.

Mmm. Hmm!

Are you flirting
with me?

No.

No. No, no, no, no. No.

Gotcha.
( chuckles )

Don't take everything
so seriously.

All right. Well,
that's it for today.

Okay.

Oh, and, uh, Rammy,
I use mint chocolate chip too.

( footsteps approaching )

Edward, is that you?

What's wrong?
You haven't been up here since
the Reagan administration.

It's Bush time.

( snarls )

( coughs )

And tell Josh that a lot of
agents wanted to sign him.

Lexi. ( sighs )

Look, we met
at Dr. Sid's retreat
for neurotic compulsives.

Ooh. I'm not supposed
to say that.

Just tell him
Lexi who wouldn't go
to the Oscars with him.

Don't say that.
Just, uh, tell him Lexi, okay?

He'll know who I am. Ciao.

( sighs ) Get up. We have
a trainer at 10:00.

Mm. 10:00.

( groans ) Oh, I have to go.
I have an appointment.

You didn't tell me that.
I planned my day around you.

I was gonna buy you sweaters.
I'm sorry, Lexi,
but I have my own life too.

Well, you can't
do this to me.

You can't just go
and not tell me where!

Guru!

I have
abandonment issues!

Okay, now I'm gonna
tell you something
I've never told anyone,

but it's really helped me
more than anything.

I can't even believe
I'm telling you this.

You don't have to tell me
if you don't want to.
No, I want to.

Okay. One of
the biggest problems

is making something mechanical
look romantic.

( chuckles )
So music can help.

I love music.
Me too.

So what I do
is I hear and I feel
the music in my body.

What music?

Songs. Romantic songs.

I let it sing, and then
the rest of me follows.

I'll show you.
Name a song.

"La Bamba."

♪ La-la-la-la ♪
( humming )

That doesn't work.
It has to be romantic.

It has to send love
through your loins.

Here.

♪ Don't go changing ♪

♪ To try and please me ♪

♪ You've never
let me down ♪

♪ Before ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

( moans )

Did you see what I was doing?

( inhales deeply )
Mm. Yeah.

It's like on certain words
the passion comes through
my body.

It's like I can
actually feel Billy Joel
between my legs.

Not Billy Joel
the person, but...

...the romance, the sweetness,
the intention of his words.

So now you try it.

Okay.

( giggles )

♪ Don't go changing ♪

♪ To try and please me ♪
You're not trying
to make a point.

You're trying
to touch your soul.
So I'll do it with you.

BOTH: ♪ You never let me down ♪

♪ Before ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I don't imagine ♪

♪ You're... ♪ ( sighs )
♪ Too familiar ♪

Here. Why don't you
get on top of me?

It's the only way
you're gonna learn.
What?

( chuckles )

Oh. Sorry.

( clears throat )

♪ Don't go trying ♪

♪ Some new fashion ♪

♪ Don't change the color ♪

♪ Of your hair ♪

♪ I don't want clever ♪

♪ Conversation ♪

♪ I never want to ♪

♪ Work that hard ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I just want someone ♪

♪ That I can talk to ♪

♪ I want you
just the way you are ♪

( knocking on door )
RUSTY: Shar?

Oh, my God.
That's Rusty. Hide.

Shar, open up.

Shit. ( exhales deeply )

Hey. Mmm.
I got off early.
What a surprise.

Randy and I were
going to the gym,
he had to work O.T.

I gotta take a leak.
Oh, God.
Don't! I mean, are you sure?

Do you want something to eat
or, um, uh, a beer?

( toilet flushes )
What the...

Ma'am, that leak shouldn't
'cause any more trouble.

I've readjusted the pipe
connection and hooked it up
to the main artery.

( exhales deeply )
I'm the plumber.
I should hope so.

So...

...you are the big, strong
American boyfriend, huh?

I guess I am. Yeah.

But you couldn't fix
the pipe connection,
now could you?

How come he didn't
have any tools?
( door opens )

He's a holistic plumber.

( door closes )

Oh.

SHARONNA: Calculus isn't my only
advanced skill, Professor Wank.

How do you
like them apples?

What are you watching?

My Sharona.

You bastards! Turn it off!

What? You've seen
Good Will Humping?

We also have
Star Whores: Episode 69,
and Charlie's Anus.

(Sharonna moans on TV )

It's not my fault.

You couldn't
get it up for her?
( moaning continues )

You try having sex
with 20 people around.

I've never had sex
without
20 people around!
Stop it.

( TV switches off )

I don't want you
to watch that again.

She's a real person
and my friend and,

well, she's a lot smarter
than you guys.

Oh, I see a young man.

He's in love!

He's in love
with a buxom schoolgirl.

( laughing )
Piss off, man!

All right.

All right.
What's got your turban
in a twist, huh?

( phone rings )
I don't know.

Desi fantasy hot line.

For Hindi hotties, press one.

For Punjabi poontang,
press two.

Is Rammy there?
It's Sharonna.

Sharonna.

Hi. Uh, uh...

Give me the phone.

( pants ) I talked to
a real-live porn star.

I think she sounded naked.

Hey! How's it going?

I got you a job.
( giggles )

Dwain said that you could be
an extra on the gladiator
movie tomorrow.

What? I mean...
I mean, what?

You wanna be
in films, right?

I do! I do.

Well, this is what
we've been working for.

Rammy?
I don't have to do it
with anyone, do I?

SANJIV: I'll do it!
Shh!

I'll do it!

You don't
have to do anything.
It's extra work.

Remember, fear freezes.

See ya.
See ya.

SANJIV: Did you
tell her I'll do it?

Did you?

DWAIN: All right,
gladiator love slaves...

More thrashing!
I wanna feel your pain!

Glad He Ate Her,
scene 21, take 6.

DWAIN: And action.

Which one of you worthless
love slaves will dare...

DWAIN: Cut!

Can we get some oil
for these guys?
I'm seeing chalky legs here.

How you hanging
in there, Rammy?

( grunts ) From a chain.

( cell phone ringing )

Hello?

Guru, where are you? I'm here
at Josh Goldstein's office.

Oh, right. The agent.

Uh, I've been detained out here.

Where's out here?

MAN on PA: Puerto Rican
leather queens to stage two.
Queens.

Queens? Do you know
how important this is?

The kind of access
Josh Goldstein has?

He can help us
get our message out there.

I'll be right there.
I promise. Don't worry.

Hurry up!

DWAIN: I want more writhing!

Lying to your girlfriend?

Who said
that was my girlfriend?

Is she pretty?

DWAIN: Places, please!

So long.

Your-Your guy's not here?

He's coming. He had a thing.
He got tied up.

He got tied up? You...

( whip cracking )
( men moaning )

Which one of you
worthless love slaves will
dare to enter my love ring?

Cut! All right. Good work.

Yes! Oh, great work.

It was a lot to memorize.
Yeah, well,
not so much this time.

Not so much talk
this time.
Okay. Good. Okay.

Excuse me. I have to
get my clothes.
I have to go.

No one leaves till we wrap.

What's up?

( breathing heavily )
Ramew Gouda.

Hey, hey. You made it.
I'm so psyched for this.

Josh, Ramu.
( chuckles )
It's nice to meet you.

May I take your coat?
No. I'm fine.

Oh, no. Please.
I'll just hang it.

I was at
a past-life workshop.

Really? See, me, I worked
in the mail room.

( chuckles )
I'm just kidding.

Why don't you
have a seat?

( clears throat )

So, Lexi tells me you have
quite the following, huh?

I'm just gonna
jump right in, okay?

The goal here is to separate you
from all the other self-help,
spiritual types out there,

so you're not
just another Indian...

Oh, excuse me...
Native American.

'Cause what you got
going for you is God,

and by the way,
by the way, God is big.

You mention God,
people pay attention.

God demands attention
and what can I say?

We wanna be in bed
with God.

But, what do people
wanna pay attention to
more than anything else?

Sex. You let people
think about both,
which is brilliant!

Josh is one of the smartest
agents in town.

We can handle your book deals
in London, your web site,
your television in New York.

Television?
That's right!
Movie deals in Hollywood.

Hollywood?
Sure.

Step one. You gotta
expand your core audience.

How do we do that?
I think we do a big show,
couple thousand people.

Maybe we book a Broadway house.

Broadway?

That's right. "The Guru of Sex."

Shhoosh. One night only.

Gotta keep 'em wantin' more.

Hey, Ari,
get me the Playhouse.

And-And by the way.
You know, I'm not
into micromanaging,

but you're not gonna
wear that, uh...

What is it
you're wearing, anyway?

I really like Josh.
What's really
going on?

What do you mean?
I mean you run off
to secret appointments,

you tell me you've been
to some past-life workshop
with costumes...

I'm sorry. I...
You don't invite me, when you
know how much I love that.

I couldn't.
You're about to be
the Mother Teresa of sex

and all I wanna do is help
you and you leave me out.

I don't understand
why you'd leave me out.

No one can give you
what you want.
It is too much.

What are you saying?

I'm saying live your own life,
not mine.

Follow your own dreams,
not mine.

Look, there are
lots of different paths.

You can go this way,
this way or that way.

But you must
choose your own path.
It is your own damn journey!

I'm going to
meditate on that!

Yeah.

( upbeat pop music playing )

♪ Round, round, baby
round, round ♪

♪ Spend the night on me ♪

♪ I don't need no man
got my kicks for free ♪

♪ We'll ride still fired
from the beat down low ♪

♪ I don't need no man
Got my kicks for free ♪

♪ If you hate me ♪

♪ I will show you ♪

♪ How to brain me ♪

Hi, there.

Hello. Thank you.

Bye! Ramu!

( cheering )

What more could
a swami ask for?

( car honks )

( whoops )

Hey!

♪ We'll ride still fired
from the beat down low ♪

♪ I don't need nobody
but my honeys, when I go ♪

( doorbell rings )

Hey.
Hey.

Um, I got an idea
for today's lesson.
No, no, no.

Um, it's such a beautiful day.
Let's take a walk.

Okay.

After you.

So I miss
my nanima the most.

Does your family
like you being in America?

No. They'd rather I be
married off with kids,

holding down
a 9:00-to-5:00 salary.

But they're getting used to it.
They just want me to be happy.

You're lucky, 'cause
the only family I have
is, like, Dwain and Peaches.

( scoffs ) Well, they're
quite a family.

No, really.
They saved my life.

I don't even wanna tell you
what I was doing
before I met them.

They treat me right.
I'm safe with them.

Look, Sharonna, I...

I have to
tell you something.

Go on.

Difficult.

Well, let me
tell you something first.

( inhales deeply )
I really like teaching you.

It makes me feel really good
to help someone.

But I don't think
you should do it.

I mean, you don't
know what it's like.
It's porn and...

I just don't think
you should do it.

You're so pure
and good and...

I mean, you don't know
what it's really like.

That's why
I made up all those ways
to get through it.

( crying ) Because I wanted
to make it seem like I was
doing something else.

Shh. Shh. Shh.
Something important
and respectable.

You are
respectable.

How can you say that?

Rusty doesn't even know
what I do.

If he did,
he wouldn't marry me.

But I'd marry you.

For 50 cows.

Only 50?

Well, they're sacred,
you know.

Okay. Uh, 100 sacred cows
and, uh,

well, let's see, um,
a field full of buffaloes,

a dozen peacocks,

and a herd of the most beautiful
creatures in all the world...

A herd full of blue elephants.

Blue?

Blue.

I have to go.
No, you don't.

You don't have to
do anything.
Of course I do, silly.

I'll see ya.

( inaudible )

RUSTY: But, hey,
that's Randy for you.

( all laughing )

MRS. MCGEE: He's so funny.
RUSTY: You always say that.

To Sherri and Rusty.

Russell tells me
you'll help teach
the catechism class.

Catechism. Neat.

FATHER: It's a blessing
to have a professional
in charge at last.

MR. MCGEE: Father thinks
you're an amateur.

Leave Mum alone.

I said no such thing.

Now, Tuesdays is
knitting circle.

And you will be
the first member
of the millennium.

I had to use
all my influence.

So long as it doesn't
interfere with couples' bowling,
right, honey?

You ever bowl with Rusty?
It's a good thing.

He holds the ball
like a bleedin' ballet dancer.

RUSTY: Don't start, Dad.

Tell me, my dear,
have we not met before?

Sweetie, have you met
Father Flanagan before?

Oh, um, no, Father.
I would have remembered
meeting you.

Your lovely face
looks so familiar to me.

You don't believe me?
Watch and learn, tough guy.

You're the chick
from Star Whores,
right? Episode 69?

Excuse me?
No. That's not me.

No, no, no. It's you.
I saw that forwards
and backwards!

You're outta line!
Why don't you sit down?
You're making a mistake.

MAN: ( chuckles ) It's her!

Oh, baby!
You know what?
I'm sick of this.

You know what?
There must be some, like,
cheap porn star out there

that looks
just like Shari.

( Rusty sighs )

I'm sorry, honey.

I feel a little sick.
I have to go home.

Honey...

What did I say?
Pre-wedding jitters.

( coin drops down slot )

( dialing )

Hello. Is Rammy there?
AMIT: Ramu? No.

Uh, can you tell me
where he is?
He's at the Broadway Playhouse.

Thank you.

Now that you have an agent,
I think you need a manager.

What do managers do?

Take 15%.

( door opens )

Guru Ramu... and friend.

Hey. Hey, Lex.

Well, hello.

Vijay Rao, manager.

Guru, I've been meditating
on what you said,

and I think I understand
why you pulled back
from our relationship.

I don't.

The whole reason
you ignited my kundalini energy
in the first place

was so I could
move that sex force
into my other chakras,

my heart, my mind,
maybe even someday
my third eye?

Exactly.

Mmm! Yes!

I knew it. I knew giving up
the stuff would help me focus.
What stuff?

Everything. I'm moving
to a studio apartment

in Queens.

Will you be subleasing
your penthouse?

( singing to music )
♪ Don't go changing ♪
That's right.

Feel it. Yes!
♪ To try and please me ♪

Let it sing.
♪ You never
let me down before ♪

Feel Billy Joel
between your legs!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
And then feel
your genitals come alive.

Maybe some want
to sing in harmony.

♪ You're too familiar ♪
That is okay too.

♪ And I don't see you anymore ♪

♪ Don't go trying ♪

♪ Some new fashion ♪

♪ Don't change the color
of your hair ♪
That's right!

Send that love
through your loins.
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Feel it!
♪ You always have my ♪

That's it!

Your genitals are the gateway
to your soul. Let them sing!
♪ Unspoken passion ♪

♪ Although I might not
seem to care ♪
Let go of your fears!

Fear is cold.

♪ I don't want clever ♪
Cold freezes.

♪ Conversation ♪
When we make love,
we release our fears.

♪ I never want to ♪
And we...

♪ Work that hard
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I just want someone ♪
Touch our souls.

♪ That I can talk to ♪

♪ I love you
just the way you are ♪

Sharonna! Wait!

Carry on. The guru's
just gone to the restroom.

♪ I need to know
that you will always be ♪
Remember, sex is good for you.

♪ Shine ♪

VIJAY: Love your loins.
I meant to tell you.

But everything
happened so fast.
You certainly had a deal.

Pay me off,
steal my thoughts
and sell them to the world!

I told you things
I have never told anyone!

Well, I tried to tell you.
I did. And then I wanted
your philosophy.

And then
I wanted to see you.

That is why.
I just wanted to see you.

You're sick, you know?
And mean! How could you
lie like that?

You tell me,
Mrs. Schoolteacher.

What about Rusty?
You're not only lying to him,
you're lying to yourself!

That's not true.
It is.

You don't think anyone will
love you for you, so you pretend
to be someone else.

But don't you see?
That is not real.

What is that, guru-speak?

It's true!

Look, maybe
I'm a horrible person

who deserves to be
stabbed through the heart,
but you deserve more.

Oh, please. You're just
a stupid little con man.

You better go steal
people's money
before they realize

that you're just
a big, dumb fake.

I'm a fake? Well,
then you're a superfake.

A porno star saying you're
a teacher all for a dumb house
in Frog's Neck!

Throgs Neck! And I plan
to be very happy there,

so you better go
steal those people's money
before your visa expires!

Well, okay! I will!
Taxi!

I'll be rich and famous
and very, very happy!

Fine! Taxi!
Fine!

VIJAY: Why, hello, girls.
Come on.

Ready for some fun, huh?

This is Amit and Sanjiv.

Oh!
This is Candy, Mindy, Sandy,
Daisy and Tasha.

I just...

( exclaims in Hindi )

Beautiful jungle top
you're wearing.
Oh.

SANJIV: You are
a heartbreaker, baby.

The great thing
about this place is we never
have to move.

They can carry us
out of here in a box.

WOMAN: Anthony! Anthony,
I'm waiting for you!

All right. We got it.

Ten cents for every
"Guru of Sex" T-shirt sold.

Oh. Maybe we could
donate the proceeds.

Maybe... not.

You know, I'm sick of
your fucking materialism.

Yeah? Well, I'm sick of
your fucking scented oils.

You smell
like a Bombay hooker.

Ramu, we've got
the Cher party tonight.

Sally Jesse Raphael
tomorrow.

Hey, man!
Did you hear me?

Did it ever occur to you
he might be meditating?

No.

( rap music plays )

FAN: Guru.

VIJAY: Vijay Rao,
the Guru's manager.

Hello, girls, all right there.
Ramu's coming in there.

All right, then.
Vijay Rao, manager.

Hey, man.
Tony called.

Tony who?
I don't know.

I don't have all the answers
like you, Guruji.

He said your wedding cake
will be ready tomorrow, 9:00.

Are you getting
married tomorrow?

No. I'm not getting
married tomorrow.

I never know
with you, yaar.

( Hindi music playing on TV )

( music fades to rock 'n' roll )

♪ You better shape up ♪
♪ Doo doo doo ♪

♪ 'Cause I need a man ♪
♪ Doo doo doo ♪

♪ And my heart is set on you ♪

♪ And my heart
is set on you ♪
♪ I better shape up ♪

♪ If I'm gonna prove ♪
♪ You better prove ♪

♪ That my faith
is justified ♪
♪ Are you sure ♪

TOGETHER:
♪ Yes, I'm sure
down deep inside ♪

♪ You're the one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

♪ The one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

♪ The one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

♪ The one I need ♪
♪ The one I need ♪

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪
♪ Yes, indeed ♪

♪ You're the one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

♪ The one I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

♪ The one I want ♪

♪ Ooh hoo hoo, honey
The one I need ♪

( music fades out )

( doorbell rings )
I'll get it, dear.

No. You go get
your things together.
I'm double-parked.

Oh.

The cake. Why did they
send that here and not
the reception hall.

Oh. I am so sorry.

Just leave it right there.

She's just a nervous bride.

I-I'll get my purse.
I won't be a jiffy.

It's terrible
what I did to you.
I know that.

But what you're
about to do...

Don't go through with this!

You don't have to!

You and me, we can...
There is no "you and me."

You used me. And I used you too.
And I did it for the cake.

Here. Here you are, sir.

Good-bye and thank you.

Oh. All righty then.

( door slams )
( door slams )

Vij, I can't go in there.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

I know you love it
the clothes and everything,
but it's not real.

I can't do this anymore.

You're serious.

But, Ramu,
you've made it.
You're a star.

I don't care.

Of course you do.

Remember, yaar,
we came here with nothing.

And look at us now, huh?

You've made it for all of us.

Think about your family...

How proud they'll be.

Come on, yaar.

( crowd exclaiming in surprise )

Okay, okay.
I'm your Cousin Kimberly.

I'm a librarian
and I have five children,
all boys. I like that part.

And, uh, and, uh,
I live in Utica.

Ithaca.
You live in Ithaca.

You run a Head Start
program there.
Okay.

Okay. Head. Head. Head.
I can remember that part.

I'm cutting the cake,
not jumping out of it.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

( sobbing )

Oh! Honey, what's wrong?
Why are you crying?

I don't know.

( continues crying )

Oh, honey.

They're just tears of joy
or something.

Oh, honey. No.
No. The makeup.

Waldo Hernandez.
Waldo.

And what do you do?

I'm in
the meat-packing industry.

Hi.

Pretend I'm not here.

Marsha! Oh!

And now I'm happy
to introduce
a true phenomenon,

the Guru of Sex,
Ramu Gupta.

( audience cheering )

Ramu Gupta will be
taking calls

and he will be
talking about, well,
what he talks about,

sexual intercourse.

Mama! Ramu's on
Sally Jesse Raphael!

First I'd just like to
say hi to my family.
"Hi, Nanima."

He said hi to me.
What's he doing?

He's talking about
sexual intercourse.
What?

EDWIN: Candy, make sure
everything is in tip-top shape.

Oh, yes. Mrs. Von Austerberg
is very demanding.

Yes. I know.

So am I.

( moans )
SALLY: Welcome back.

The Guru of Sex,
Ramu Gupta.
Look. It's our guru.

Our next question
is from, uh...
John.

Um, Guru, my problem is that
the only way I've been able to
get a woman is on the computer.

Well, John,
don't limit yourself.

Maybe sometimes on the computer,
other times on the bed.

Don't be afraid
to try new things, huh?

Uh-huh. Next we have a caller
from Alaska. Go ahead, caller.

RUSTY: Yes. Hi. Uh,
I'm supposed to get married.

Congratulations.

Uh, yeah. But the problem
is the girl I'm marrying.

She's awesome, but, uh,
I don't really love her.

Does your fiancee
know how you feel?

No. No, she has no idea.

And I know it would kill her.

Well, Alaska...
Come on, son!
Let's move it!

The best advice
I can give you is...

...is to move your feet
to the beat of your heart.

But my heart beats
for the second hose man
on my truck.

Then you must go
to the hose man, Alaska.
You must go to the hose man.

He doesn't seem himself.

I feel sorry for the girl
marrying the homo.

It's quite a responsibility
being a spiritual guru,
isn't it?

Yeah. It is.

There is something
I have to say.

I am not a guru.

There goes
the book deal.

All I've ever done
is to teach dance.

What...
And try to act.

I came to America...

...to be in movies
and, well, to be on TV.

But I'm a fake.

I have betrayed you all and...

I am sorry. I...

I have to go.

( crowd murmuring )

All your wisdom.
It was just an act.

I gave up all my stuff.

I am sorry.
I'm a fake.

But what does that make me?

I now have all these ideas,

and they came from me,
not from Vanity Fair
or my mother.

How can you
say that's fake?
It's not.

No. I didn't change you.

The guru you saw in me
was the guru in you.

In your lie,
I found my truth.

Come on, Vij.

That's our Lexi.

( crowd applauding )

What are we doing?
Where are we going?

To get the woman I love.

Hey. Can you get
to the Bronx in 15 minutes?

I'm a cab driver.
I can get to Bombay
in 15 minutes.

( tires squealing )

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha
getcha, getcha ♪

♪ One way or another ♪

♪ I'm gonna win you ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha
getcha, getcha ♪

( organ plays wedding song )

I am so proud of you.

This whole thing
has made me wanna go back
to documentaries.

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha
getcha, getcha ♪

You can't just interrupt
the wedding and take the bride.

Sure I can. Haven't you
seen any American movies?

It happens here all the time.

♪ Stand over by the wall
where I can see it all ♪

About fucking time, man.

Don't speak to me
like that, huh?
Oh! Come on!

Don't forget, huh?
I'm the one doing you a favor.

Yeah. Right.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here
in the sight of God to witness

the sacrament of marriage.

And if anyone knows...
Your stupid idea.

Vij, you're
a real bastard!

Rammy.

Is that your plumber?

Carry on.

Thank you.

...should not
be joined together
in holy matrimony,

speak now
or forever hold your peace.

BOTH: I do.

Randy.

Who are they,
the new Village People?

You first.
You first.

You first.
No, you first.

Hey, I insist.

Come on, man.

If you please,
I am trying to conduct
a wedding ceremony here.

But I thought you said
we could speak now.

It was merely an expression,
as in "get lost." Please leave.

I can't leave.

Because if I leave,
I leave everything
that matters to me.

Sharonna, you have taught me
so much about so many things.

But right now
I know something you don't.

This is just a dream.

And maybe you've had it
for so long you think
it has to become real,

but it doesn't.

We live. And life
brings us new dreams.

Better ones.

Ones that
come from the heart,

and not from the mind.

Dreams that you
cannot predict.

Like you.

That is why I cannot leave.

Because my heart beats
for that lady up there.

And I am not leaving here
until I find out
if her heart beats for me.

Well? Shari?

Yes. ( sighs )

My heart beats for you.

That's the Indian fella
who couldn't get it up.

I thought you said
he was Native American.

Yeah.

And you, young man?

Why are you here?

I agree wit' him.

Oh, proceed. I'm not
paid by the hour.

Rusty.

My heart beats for Rusty.

( crowd gasping and murmuring )

This is good.
Get that. Get that.
I'm on it. I'm on it.

DWAIN: Good angle for her.

Russell.

We always knew
you swam upstream.

Amen.

Come here, baby.

( giggles )

There's a market
for this.
Yeah.

My little firebug.

( sighs )

Peg, get over it.

Enough of this
swapping of spit.

( church bells tolling )

FATHER: Let's celebrate

( joyous electronic
music playing )

♪ Said the fight
to make ends meet ♪

♪ Keeps a man upon his feet ♪

♪ Holdin' down his job ♪

♪ Tryin' to show
he can't be bought ♪

♪ Ooh, it takes
every kinda people ♪

♪ To make what life's about
Yeah ♪

♪ Every kinda people ♪

♪ To make the world go round ♪

♪ Someone's looking
for a lead ♪

♪ In his duty to a king
or to a creed ♪

♪ Protecting what he feels
is right ♪

♪ Fights against wrong
with his life ♪

♪ There's no profit in deceit ♪

♪ Honest men know that
Revenge do not taste sweet ♪

♪ Whether yellow,
black or white ♪

♪ Each and every man's
the same inside ♪

♪ Ooh, It takes
every kind of people ♪

♪ To make
what life's about, yeah ♪

♪ It takes
every kind of people ♪

♪ To make the world go round ♪

♪ You know
that love's the only goal ♪

♪ That could bring
a peace to any soul ♪

♪ Hey, and every man's
the same ♪

♪ He wants the sunshine
in his name ♪

♪ Ooh, It takes
every kind of people ♪

♪ To make
what life's about, yeah ♪

♪ It takes every
kind of people ♪

♪ To make the world go round ♪

♪ It takes every
kind of people ♪

♪ To make
what life's about, yeah ♪

♪ Every kind of people ♪

♪ To make the world go round ♪