Original subtitles

-Why don't you touch me anymore? -Because you're always sweating.

♪ Wearing Spanx because it's Thanksgiving ♪

[ Both grunting ]

[ Both laugh ]

Bring lasagna.

What should we bring?

[ Exhales slowly ]

Don: Every year, the remote mysteriously

disappears so we all have to talk to each other.

God forbid.

I just wanted to let you know

I'll be a little later than expected.

[ British accent ] Excalibur is back home.

Jude and I met each other 200 years ago

when I gave birth to him.

-Family beer run! -Oh.

Olive: We're getting our freakin' beer. Run!

Stumpley: And these libtards are gonna be calling

a wah-mbulance when their dear leader

Barry Hussein "Secret-Homosexual"

Soetoro Obama leaves office in a few months...

Rush Limbaugh seems awfully angry.

This isn't Limbaugh.

Rush went soft on us years ago.

This is Pat Stumpley,

the most trusted voice of Real America.

Well, I do like that Michelle Obama and her arms.

Ladies on "The View" call them "fierce."

And what about Trump? The man...

Don't start up with me, Vera.

Fierce! Oh...

Once that interloper is out of the White House,

our schools can finally start serving up decent food again.

Oh, "healthier generation" my ass!

Pizza squares and chocolate milk...

-Chocolate milk. -...are all the nutrition

growing kids need.

Just look at how our grandchildren turned out.

Say what you want about Trump --

The man is not a politician.

Are those them?

-Aah! -Yes!

[ Laughter, cheering ]

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

-Yes! -[ Screaming ]

-Whoo! Ahh! -Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[ Chuckles ]

Whoo!

God bless America! [ Chuckles ]

[ Ding! ]

♪♪

So, come on down to Bungoes!

You know it's where the fun goes!

Oh, Don, can you please mute it?

[ Chuckling ] No! Of course not.

Your husband seems really successful.

I actually bankroll all of his businesses,

and his "political campaign."

Oh, but don't tell him.

He'd shit a brick if anyone knew.

So, your ring is...?

Yes. Thank you, me.

-Okay, uh... -Fun times with me!

I got to go make room for, uh, Thanksgiving dinner,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, Don, please.

[ Chuckles ] Get it?

-Seriously. -Oh, God.

I am prairie dogging right now.

-Oh... -Yeah.

You ever heard that phrase, Sue?

-Ugh. -No, Mr. Morgan,

but I understand.

Listen -- If the game comes back on,

just pause it, okay?

And don't do anything else.

Just pause it and stay where you are -- Stay still.

[ Door closes ]

Hey, Kathy. How's dinner...

-Shh! Shh! -...coming?

What are you doing?

Lookit -- I have my family under one roof,

one day a year, goddamn it,

and I'm not gonna have you ruin it

by sitting here watching the TV.

And if you tell Don about this,

I promise to destroy your relationship with my sons

and your whole lives, okay?

I have that power! I know things!

Ugh. Forgot my tablet.

I'm gonna need it, 'cause this is gonna take a little while.

[ Both chuckle ]

Uh, why's the TV off, Kathy?

Huh!

Kathy, why is the TV off?

Well, I have no idea, sweet-potato pie.

I'm sitting here talking to the gals about, uh, period farts.

-Oh, God. -[ Groans ]

[ Sighs ] Hey, Stevie,

why is the TV off?

And let me just remind you that lying is frowned upon

in your whole new-agey culture thing.

It was the strangest thing, Don.

The television mysteriously shut itself off.

It was, like, a ghost happened.

Do you have any loose ends with, like, a dead relative?

-Oh, chilly! -Your aura is...thick.

[ Don's stomach grumbles ]

Oh, God... Oh, geez!

Someone needs to go settle their score

with that Hungry-Man dinner he had last night, huh?

This is not over!

Sure. So, when a woman...

[ Whispers ] Good job. Good job.

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Horn honks ]

[ Chuckling ] Oh, hell yes!

[ Laughs ] Pshoo! Pshoo! Pshoo! Pshoo!

[ Tires screech, engine revs ] -Pshoo! Pshoo! Pshoo! Pshoo!

Pshoo. Pshoo...Pshoo... Pshoo...

Pshoo...

I'm gonna I choose not to make that about race.

[ Breathes deeply ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Crow caws ]

[ Groans ]

Stupid flowers!

[ Grunts ]

[ Brakes squeak ]

Man: Hey, buddy, you okay? You need a ride?

[ Panting ] Oh! Yeah. A ride would be g-great.

Thank you.

The patriarch is here!

♪ Da da-da

Wh-- Where's my son?

Indisposed!

Aah! Walter, happy Thanksgiving!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughs ]

Your brood is out in the driveway

doing some sort of, uh, celebration.

Yeah?

You'd think they'd never seen a beer before.

Oh, they've seen a beer. [ Giggles ]

Ladybug!

Pop-pop!

Oh, Ladybug! [ Laughs ]

Y-You're with us this year?

Mm-hmm!

Oh, how's your mom anyway?

I've always liked her

despite our obvious ethnic differences.

Walter, whatever you're thinking, stop, okay?

What'd I do?

I-I said that -- How can it be racist if it's positive?

Just stop thinking, okay? Just stop thinking. Vera!

[ Laughing ] Hi!

We brought lasagna.

Oh, Vera, that's so considerate.

Let me take care of it.

So -- So, Harper,

would you say that black lives matter

or all lives matter?

[ Grunts ] Yeah.

Okay, the prodigal son's returned.

[ Laughs ]

Where did you get beer at this hour on Thanksgiving?

Dibs on shower.

Pop-pop and Nanna are here.

Yeah, I know.

How long did it take Pop-pop to do something racist?

Four seconds.

That's longer than normal.

Oh, God. Really?

Why don't you grab some aspirin?

And don't wipe your feet on that carpet, either.

I want --

I'll get it from the sides here.

[ Sighs ] Geez.

Close the box! [ Beeping ]

Yes! Yes! [ Chuckling ] I did it.

[ 8-bit-style music plays ]

I beat my record.

Hello, ladies.

-Hi, Walter. -Hey, Walt.

-Happy Thanksgiving. -Who's this?

-Uh -- -Oh, that's Sue,

Michael's girlfriend.

Oh, well, "Girlfriend" is a strong --

Wow, another ethnic one, huh?

-Mm-hmm. -Wow.

-Yep. -Hey! Pop-pop, hey.

How's it going? How's -- What's going on here?

Oh, everything's fine.

Your grandfather just making me feel

a little uncomfortable about my heritage.

Great.

Well, it's nice to meet you, toots.

"Toots."

Why -- Why's the game not on?

Oh -- Because of ghosts.

So, uh, what about that election, huh?

The Clinton crime family finally gets "Trumped"!

-[ Groaning ] -No, no, no, no politics today!

Why not?

Because every time you bring up politics

there's screaming and crying and then Stevie's yelling

the F-word in your face!

Uh -- That only happened twice.

Well, it's not happening this year!

Then what the hell are we gonna do

if the TV's been poltergeisted?

I have an idea, Mom. What about a game?

What are you talking about, Olive --

something like, uh, charades?

[ Laughs ] Ta-da!

Wow. So spontaneous.

I like charades.

So, are you guys brothers?

[ Chuckling nasally ]

You think I share DNA with this leprechaun?

No, we're not, and we're not --

Brothers.

If we were brothers,

I would have walked away from this family a long time ago.

Yeah. I mean, we're brothers, I guess, if my mother had,

like, a horrible accident in between having us.

[ Chuckles ]

We're not brothers. We're comics.

Oh. Okay.

We have a gig in Chicago. We're driving from New York.

Why didn't you fly?

Yeah, no. We can't aff-- We can't afford that.

-Come on. -Not --

-It's insane. -Mo-- Most --

Most comedians, um, have no money.

Chris drives, he has no problem with that.

He excels at menial tasks.

Menial tasks, and then also headlining the show.

Yeah, no -- Chris does what you have to refer

to "Headline" legally.

Chris has been doing comedy for decades.

Which is why you've never heard of me.

-Oh. -Yeah.

Y-You're talking to each other like you hate each other.

Is that --

-We love each other. -Oh.

Yeah, it's absolute love -- can't get enough.

It's just a coping mechanism for us to deal with the fact

that these are lives and careers.

This is what we have to do.

We have no real choice. What are you doing hitchhiking?

Ah -- You know, wh-- What is that about?

-What, did you murder somebody? -What?

-Well, too bad. -We had -- We had talk--

we had debated whether or not

you were a murderer as we picked you up.

We only picked you up because we thought you were a murderer.

-Any hitchhiker... -Yeah. Right.

...it's a 30% chance they're a murderer.

Why did you pick me up

if you thought I murdered somebody?

I thought you'd have a great story.

I didn't think you were a murderer.

Please don't have a shitty story.

-Uh -- -He said you were.

We had to pick you up to settle the bet.

-What's your back story? -You're hurting me.

I want it to be kind of like a John Cougar Mellencamp song.

I'm going to meet my girlfriend's family.

Cool.

Can I ask you -- Is your girlfriend white?

Come -- What? Come on, man.

What? How did you know that?

'Cause he's the type! Come on!

The type?

-That's very harsh... -Yeah.

...and also just rooted in complete racism.

Did she tell her family that you were black?

Of course.

Wait -- I don't know, come to think of it.

[ Laughing ] This is gonna be some dinner.

This is very uncomfortable.

I think it's gonna be bad.

I think it's gonna be great.

Um, my guess is that your -- your girlfriend's

Midwestern family is really open-minded culturally.

-Thank you. -No --

That was a sarcastic take on the Midwest.

I doubt that's the case.

I think you'd better be prepared to really fight.

Anytime where we have a drive,

it hits a weird, grim, existential point like this.

-And then you apologize. -Well, no -- It's true.

I mean, Chris doesn't like the truth.

It makes him feel uncomfortable.

Tim loves the truth.

He often talks about truthful things like

the Illuminati and the Rothschilds...

-No. -...lizard people...

Well, you know --

...who live inside of Mount Shasta.

Speaking of lizard people,

your skin, you know, looks great.

♪♪

All right, I don't want any losers on my team.

I already made up for enough losers in football, okay?

Come on, it's not about being competitive.

This is just for fun!

First of all, we need captains.

So let's say Olive...

Yes!

...and Sue.

-Oh! -Damn it!

Nice. Con-- Congratulations.

-Oh! -This is a huge deal.

No, that's okay! Jude can do it.

-Thank you! -No, no, no!

Come on -- You're our guest.

You get up there and you pick.

-Come on, come on. -It'll be fun!

[ Laughs ]

Thanks, Mom. That was a good call.

Uh...

Um,

Michael.

-Obviously. -You picked your boyfriend.

-Big surprise. -Wow. Really adventurous.

-Nice choice. -Yeah. Big surprise.

-I choose Jude. -Oh, yeah!

We're gonna fuck you up!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Gunshot ]

[ Spooky ] Hello!

-Ahh! -We're gonna die!

We're all gonna die!

[ Sad ] Why are we gonna die?

Noah, it's just Nanna. Uh, pussy.

Nanna, we're watching "Night of the Living Dead."

[ Normal voice ] Oh, that's nice.

What are you watching?

"Night of the Living Dead." You want to watch?

[ Gunfire ]

Sure.

-Movie. -Movie.

-Movie! -Pencil sharpener? Oh.

Uh, exhausted? Lazy?

-Uncle Corey! -Ohh!

[ Laughs ] Snap! You just got burned by a 9-year-old.

-[ Laughs ] -"Uncle Corey!"

-[ Yawns ] -Tired! Tired!

-Sleeping. -"Open Carry."

-It's not your turn, Walter! -Oh, I know!

"Sleeping Unrealistic Feminine Ideal

Perpetuated by Patriarchy!"

Oh! Boom!

That's not a real movie.

Yes, it is!

Oh, "Sleeping Beauty"!

-Oh! -Boo-yah!

[ People cheering, laughter ]

I can't believe I didn't guess that.

Corey: [ Laughs ] You're up, suckers!

Open carry? Really, Walter?

It's the only way to keep the thugs and immigrants at bay.

You know I'm an immigrant, Walter.

You came here when you were 7.

You don't count.

-Uuuuuugh! -No politics!

'Cause that's how you get things done!

Just play the game.

Hey, Clark, you thirsty? You want a soda?

-Uh -- -You should try this.

It's small-batch. It's from Vermont.

They make 20 cases a year.

"Dr. Thirsty's Cola-Flavored Sugar Tonic?"

I'm, like, a soda connoisseur.

He'll tell you -- Every where we go, I-I got to get the soda.

-It's disgusting. -I, uh -- Yeah, I know.

It -- That looks like diabetes in a bottle.

Wow, Clark.

No, no, no -- It's just --

Just go ahead -- Shut down a good gesture.

No, I appr-- Thank you for offering.

I hope you try that with your girlfriend's parents.

"You want the turkey?" No, thanks.

Take your fucking turkey,

get it the fuck out of my fucking face."

All right, I didn't say that.

Clark, w-what is your deal? What are you about?

You want the radio on? We can the radio on.

-What kind of music you like? -Oh, cool.

Clark, what's your favorite music?

-I like The Beatles. -Ugh.

-The Beatles? -Yep.

-Wow. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right down the middle.

The Beatles are, uh, horrific.

-I'm glad John Lennon's dead. -What?!

Well, there was a very good chance he was a Soviet.

He's a great man. He had great ideas.

He had great ideas...

He put it into his music.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Stalin had ideas.

If Stalin had a guitar, he would be John Lennon.

Clark, this girlfriend of yours, what's her name?

It's Olive.

Your girlfriend's name is Olive?

-Olive, yeah. -It's very interesting to --

to date somebody named after a bar snack.

She's not named after a bar snack.

You don't know that.

You don't know what her parents are motivated by.

It's a perfectly normal name.

That's not a real name.

It's probably not her real name.

-People are named "Olive." -No, they're not.

"Corn nut" -- That would be a good name for a baby --

"Corn nut."

Clark and Olive --

That's -- I can't imagine saying to my --

"You want to go hang out with Clark and Olive tonight?"

You will never have any friends if you get married.

That is a tough -- That is a tough sell.

Clark, I can tell you have deep secrets that you

haven't come to terms with yet,

and I've been in the car with you several minutes.

I'd love to hear these. Clark, tell us a secret.

Nothing, like, deep-root -- Nothing crazy.

Clark, if you don't tell us your secrets,

we're gonna start guessing your secrets,

and it's not gonna be pleasant.

You had sex with a dog.

What?

Walter: When the economy crashes, you'll be speed dialing

the nearest NRA member with his 30-round clip.

[ Imitates machine-gun fire ]

I would put money on it,

but bullets...

[ Imitates machine-gun fire ]

...will be our new currency.

Okay, that's not gonna happen, Pop-pop.

Not anymore, thanks to Trump!

-[ Chuckles ] -Oh, my God!

Can we please just get back to charades?

[ Indistinct arguing ]

Can we get back to having some fun?

I'll give you some charades with four words --

"Make America great again!"

-Oh, my God. -Okay, Pop-pop,

"Make America great again," though for whom?

You don't talk in charades, Walter.

Okay, you know what?

I am gonna go into the kitchen and start drinking heavily.

-But we're having fun! -Cheers.

Okay, that actually sounds like a good plan.

Uh, wait for us.

-This game was your idea. -Well, it was a bad idea.

Okay, please, can we not make this about ethnicity or race?

Okay, some of us voted for Trump

because we want to keep our money.

-Our money! -That's right!!

We worked hard for our money!!

Oh, my God! [ Speaks Spanish ]

[ Indistinct arguing ]

I can't speak that lang--

Okay, come on. Let's go. Yo, let's go.

I can understand some of what she's saying to me!

[ Indistinct arguing ] -It is very rude!

I told you his mind is warped from the war!

He doesn't know what he's --

Take him -- You got him, you got him, and --

[ Chimes ]

No! Ohh, my wizard!

I go spring, then winter, then summer, then fall.

Oh, I hate winter.

Well, you know.

Oh, um, sorry. I don't drink beer.

Why?

Mnh!

You know, maybe respect her privacy.

Oh, no. It's okay. It's okay.

I just -- I just don't like the taste.

I don't like it.

It's okay. No one likes beer.

I mean, after you get through the first couple tastes

where, you know, it tastes like piss,

then it starts tasting like fun.

[ Laughs nervously ] You don't need to drink beer.

We might have, like, a white-wine sprinter or --

or hard lemonade in the stuff we stole.

We stole a lot.

You know what?

Games will help this situation, I think. Yeah.

[ Shouting in Spanish ]

Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe!

Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe!

Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe!

-Shut the fuck up!! -Shut the fuck up!!

[ Indistinct arguing in distance ]

Yeah, shush me.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Michael: Oh, Penny For Your Thoughts.

This is a good one, actually.

Oh, how do you play?

It's really easy -- You just take a penny,

and then you make a confession.

And if it's really juicy, then we all have to drink.

But if it's lame, then you have to drink.

Yeah, but you don't have to drink.

It's America. It's a free country.

No, you do have to drink.

Well, I can take your turn for you.

-I hope it's real lame. [Laughs] -I'll go first.

Okay, so, earlier this week,

I had a pregnancy scare.

I think that's pretty juicy, so...

Hmm.

Really, that's gonna be your confession?

Of everything going on in your life right now,

that's the one thing you want to confess?

Okay, and also, uh,

I dropped out of med school two years ago,

and I haven't told my parents yet.

And...?

And they still think that they're paying my tuition.

Holy shit!

[ Chuckles ]

-Ohh! -Yeah.

-Really? -Yeah. Shh.

-[ Chuckles nervously ] -Okay, well, cheers to that.

I mean, honestly, that's -- That's a full round.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-[ Exhales sharply ] -[ Clears throat ]

Just hit him in the head, right between the eyes.

[ Gunshot, thud ]

Good shot. Okay, he's dead.

Let's go get him. That's another one for the fire.

Is this "Frozen"?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Beatboxing ]

I was making a beat... so you guys would say "Beets"?

"VeggieTales"?

Gwen: You can't make noise in charades, Corey.

What do beets have to do with vegetables?

Beets, like the vegetable.

I've never heard of it.

[ Stammers ] There's no such thing.

No, you've heard of it, Pop-pop, for sure.

-It's the red one. -There's no such thing.

It is a thing. I don't know how to tell you it's a thing.

-It's a thing. -Baloney.

Also a thing, so...

Gwen, uh, you're up.

-Okay. -Yes!

-[ Giggles ] -Let's go, Gwen!

All right, Gwen, let's do this.

Do this! Show them why I married you!

Gwen: Thank you, babe.

-[ Farts ] -Geez Louise!

Come on, Gwen, let's do this.

Come on! You smell like a bucket of cauliflower.

Two words. First word.

-Sweaty. -Yes, thank you.

-Sorry, it's just the truth. -[ Laughs ]

Keep going. Come on.

-Walking. -Prize.

-She's perusing. -That's kind of --

-Hoochie coochie? -Shopping -- shopping!

Sweatshop! Sweatshop!

It's a sweatshop! Sweatshop!

Sweatshop.

That's right!

Who put "Sweatshops" in?

Stevie did, but I haven't heard screaming in a while,

so I'm betting she's making out with Jude somewhere.

And I'm the one that's supposed to be political?

What's so bad about sweatshops anyway?

[ Groans ]

My parents back in Detroit had me working when I was 7.

You did not work in a sweatshop, though.

Because I didn't apply to work in a sweatshop.

This is ridiculous. You're a mother -- sort of.

Are you really condoning child labor for making cheap sweaters?

I don't buy cheap clothes.

I don't care where it's made

as long as it makes me look good.

Please, I get up every day and do my job.

Other people can do theirs.

Mm-hmm. Exactly.

Corey, you don't have a job.

You're a drain on society. You should be a democrat.

Yeah, stop taking our side, freeloader.

Um, now you're for overseas labor?

What's your deal? I thought you're Mr. Made in the USA,

let's build a wall, all that stuff.

Well, the wall isn't to keep the Mexicans out of our sweatshops,

it's to keep them away from our real jobs.

Stevie: I heard that!

Wow! Wow, okay, you did it now.

-Here she comes. -That's gonna be --

Fuck you, Walter!

Fuck you, Miss Kale Chips!

-Ohh! -Ohh!

[ Indistinct arguing ]

-Oh, my God! -Ohh!

Hello, you kale chip.

Oh, really? [ Shouting in Spanish ]

[ Indistinct arguing ]

You need to vote! You need to vote Republican!

[ Arguing continues in distance, toilet flushes ]

[ Grunts ]

[ TV turns on ]

Announcer #1: ...37-31, as we await word on whether,

in fact, this is a concussion.

Announcer #2: A couple of head injuries so far today.

We do have two official concussions,

and one incident that the league is calling

-just a bum noggin. -[ Panting ]

So, we have two and a possible.

-Yeah. -It's like a bad Spades hand.

Sweetie! You found the remote.

Thank you. Sweetheart.

Clark, it's been a good ride.

Good luck with the girlfriend's family.

Thank you, guys, so much. This was really a big help.

Should we exchange numbers or something?

Why?!

You don't ever want to interact with us again.

Yeah, you're -- You're right.

You just drove me all this way, so I just thought --

-Right. -That's true.

-Yeah. -I get it --

Can we all agree that for the amount time

this vehicle's been in front of this house,

it's now getting awkward?

A little bit.

Clark, you're somehow still in the car.

Okay, all right, I'm going. I'm gonna go.

Thanks, guys.

[ Console beeps, door opens, closes ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

Man: Hello, friend.

Hi. Is Olive here?

Olive. Ohh.

Bad news bears -- You got the wrong house.

[ Sighs ]

♪ Rip up that rule book, we got your crew shook ♪

♪ Eyes up in that sun, hot, and we'll burn you with one look ♪

♪ Peace out, my brother, kiss to your mother ♪

♪ Bust a couple of shots

♪ and spread you team around like butter ♪

♪ Wake up, my dude, eyes black and blue ♪

♪ Flowers in your room that say "We hope you get well soon" ♪

♪ Every time I take a step, I crack a little earth ♪

♪ I'm pushing though the pain like a mama givin' birth ♪

♪ I got rep to protect, a legacy to hold ♪

♪ You can keep the bronze, I'm only interested in gold ♪

Walt, you idiot!

-Sue: Drink! [ Glasses clink ]

Michael: Let's take a little break...

Oh, come on! Pbbbbbht!

...and -- and -- from the game.

-Boo! It's your turn! -Okay.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hello, losers.

We're here for our beer.

Can you please ask your thieving offspring

to put it back in the garage?

[ Indistinct arguing ]

Come and get some.

It's funny -- I-I forgot it was Thanksgiving.

Ah -- owie, owie, owie, owie!

Gwen: You know, I really think --

I think her family is a little bit cuckoo bird.

Kathy: Oh, wackadoodle -- That goes without saying.

[ Laughing ] This is awesome!

What is happening?

I know what's going on.