Original subtitles

- Hey, Ron, you need any help?

- Oh, I don't think so.

I already bought the ice cream,

and I certainly don't need help eating it.

[both chuckling]

- I was, uh-- I was talking about all this.

- Oh, that.

Judy needed more space for Rick's Bowflex,

so we agreed to kick me out.

It's for the best.

I mean, you can't beat the commute.

[chuckling] - Wait. You're living here?

- What? No.

That'd be against the law.

And you would tell, right?

- Let's pre-game at my place before the ice cream social.

Aisha, are you in?

- Hell, yeah! Wouldn't miss it, girl!

- Oh, Yasmin, we should go to bio.

We're dissecting frogs, and I'm gonna faint.

[bell rings]

- Bye! See you at the pre-game!

- [imitating Aisha] Hell, yeah. Wouldn't miss it girl.

[giggles]

- So what if I'm excited to go to the ice cream social?

If you think it's lame, don't go.

- I have to go 'cause of student council.

You think I want to spend my Friday night at school

scooping ice cream?

No, I want to try the new decaffeinated tea I just got

and fall asleep reading.

- You are so judgmental about Bayside.

- [scoffs] No, I'm not!

There's plenty of Bayside stuff I'm not judgmental about.

- Like what?

- These floors are clean.

- Mm.

- I guess the person of color they underpaid to clean them

did a great job. - See?

Yo, if you could make it one week without hating on Bayside,

I'll give you 50 bucks.

Ooh, I've been hanging out with too many rich kids.

I'll give you 50 cents.

- Deal. - Deal.

- Hey, ladies,

I just met the hottest girl.

Her name's Pamela, and she's a perfect ten.

I mean, blonde hair, gorgeous smile,

and she just had really bad mono,

so you know she does tongues. - Mm.

Wow, what do you think about that, Daisy?

- Yeah.

- I think it's cool.

Congratulations on your new love.

- Guys, I just met the girl of my dreams.

Blonde hair, killer smile, recently sick.

[record scratches] - It's the same girl.

- Wait, yo, J-Dog.

You also met a hot blonde this morning?

- That's right. - Do you think--

both: We should both ask our separate girls

to the ice cream social Friday night?

- Yeah! - Yes!

[bell rings]

* When I wake up in the mornin' *

* Alarm gives out a warnin' *

* I don't think I'll ever make it on time *

* By the time I grab my books *

* And I give myself a look *

* I'm at the corner, just in time *

* It's all right, it's all right *

* Saved by the bell *

* It's all right, it's all right *

* Saved by the bell *

* It's all right *

* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell *

[bell rings]

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, buddy! Free seat over here.

Let's do our secret handshake.

- We don't have a secret-- - * Whatever you do is right *

* Whenever you stop, it's done *

That was horrible.

- [clears throat] Hello.

Oh, my God! Okay. Don't look now.

My dream girl just walked in.

[light music]

- Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.

My dream girl just walked in.

- Yours? - Uh-huh.

- You know what this means? [record scratches]

- Thank God.

both: Our future girlfriends are best friends?

- Dude! Come on!

[record scratches]

I honestly think

she's going to be the mother of my children.

- Um, well...

I guess maybe,

but you can always adopt, J-Dog.

- Oh, I mean, well, yeah, of course.

- Yeah, man. - Okay, kids.

Settle down, please.

- I know last-minute assemblies are never good news,

but this one is not as bad as the last one.

No one's parents were lost at sea.

- Have my parents been found?

- Uh, no. Listen, last night,

the school's brand-new iPads

were stolen out of my room--office.

And until they are returned,

the ice cream social is canceled.

- Dude! [students clamoring]

- Hey! Hey!

Sorry, guys.

My house, my rules.

And again, it's not my house,

because I don't live here.

- We are launching a thorough

and, more importantly, ethical investigation.

- That's right, Jessie.

We're calling it the "Snitches Get Riches" Program.

- Um, I thought we said no more disciplinary experiments

without running them by me first.

- The "Snitches Get Riches" Program

is a tattle raffle,

and great idea that we all agree on.

Now, if anybody thinks they know who stole those iPads,

just write their name down, put it in here,

and you just might win

a Vizio LED smart TV

with two years of Geek Squad Protection.

Are there any questions?

Well, I don't see any hands,

so assembly dismissed.

* *

- Okay, somebody throw it at him.

- But he said don't.

- [sighs]

Really? - It's, like, so messed up

they canceled the ice cream social.

- Mm, yeah. - [sighs] I just wish

if someone knew who did it, they'd come forward.

You know, if, like, it was, like, their cousin

or their friend from the bus

or an opponent from a rival dance crew.

* *

- Wait, do you think I know who did it?

[scoffing and laughing] - Oh, my God. No, Aisha, no!

I would never say that out loud.

- Okay. Just--just-- just throw it at him!

Just go ahead and throw it!

- Don't.

* *

- Do people keep asking you

if you know who stole all the iPads?

- Yeah!

They obviously think a Douglas kid did it

and we're covering it up.

- How dare they all assume

that we know who stole the iPads.

- I mean, it was DeVante, right?

We know he stole them. - Oh, yeah. He's 100% guilty.

- Like, we would never tell on him, but--

- Obviously! [sighs]

But he literally did the same thing back at Douglas.

Granted, those weren't iPads.

They were RadioShack Infotainment Squares.

- Mm.

But the Bayside kids don't know that we know all that.

[scoffs] It's so unfair.

Like, DeVante makes us all look bad.

Now I know how pro basketball players

who don't cheat on their wives feel.

- We've had this conversation a million times.

They all cheat.

- Not Sue Bird. - Don't say "not Sue Bird."

- All right.

She loves Megan. That's all I'm saying.

* *

- You know what's weird?

How we both met a girl

and fell in love on the same day.

- Statistically, it was bound to happen.

- True.

- I can't take it anymore.

- Mm, I'd keep my judgmental opinions to myself.

Unless you hate having 50 cents in your pocket.

- I don't know what poor-o bet you two are making,

but Aisha's right.

Bayside mating rituals

are always more complicated than they seem.

Best to stay out of it and let it run its course.

- It's too bad about the ice cream social.

That was gonna be the perfect date for me and Pamela.

- Wait, your girl's name is Pamela?

That's my girl's name, too.

- Wait, but that means--

both: We only have to write one Valentine's Day rap.

- Yeah! - Yes.

[coins rattle on table] - It's the same Pamela, idiots!

- [scoffs] Nuh-uh.

- No, no, no, My girl is like this.

- Exactly. And my Pamela is like this.

- Uh-huh.

both: [gasp] No!

- Hey, guys! Oh, since the ice cream social is off,

I'm having a party on Friday night

at my stepmom's stepmom's Malibu beach house.

So check your email for invites.

- I'm taking Pamela to that party.

- No. I'm taking Pamela to that party.

- Hey, look, there's a perfectly reasonable way

to settle this.

A winner-take-all gentlemen's prank war for her heart.

- No. - Hey, Jamie, are you okay?

Or did some dumb bitch ruin everything

by opening her dumb-bitch mouth?

- Mac is so much better at this stuff than me.

You know, one time he tricked me

into falling in love with him so he could steal my car.

- Ah. - [sighs]

Damn, he looked good driving that droptop.

See? I still feel it.

Hey, Pamela would be crazy not to pick you.

You're so hot and popular.

You're like Justin Bieber

if he wasn't, like, 100 years old.

- Oh. Thank you, Lexi. - Mm-hmm.

[chuckling]

Daisy, when somebody who gets paid

to sell Casper mattresses on Instagram gives you advice,

you listen.

You should have stayed out of this.

- Hey, did you guys get Yasmin's invite?

- Mm, yeah. It's right here.

- Oh. [chuckles]

Maybe mine went to spam.

Is her email address pumpit@penismasters.biz?

- Ugh, how do I say this in a nice way?

She didn't invite you.

But your shirt is good.

- Let me guess.

None of the Douglas kids were invited.

* *

- Hey.

I know what you did. - No, thanks.

- I know you stole those iPads,

'cause you did the same thing back at Douglas.

- Those weren't iPads. Those were garbage.

They only had one app on them

called "American Facebook, not from Russia."

They were very hard to sell.

- Can you just do the right thing for once

and give them back?

- Can you just mind your business?

- This is my business.

You're making all the Douglas kids look bad.

I'm the freakin' quarterback of the football team.

I shouldn't be excluded from parties

'cause your ass don't-- - There it is.

So this ain't about doing the right thing,

because if it was,

you would've brought this up back at Douglas.

But you didn't.

So I wonder why you're bringing it up

now that we go to Hogwarts.

- No, that's not why,

and don't try to make it about that.

- Yeah, see, you only care about this

'cause you don't want to look bad

in front of your little white friends.

- [scoffs]

First of all, uh,

Yasmin's dad is half-Persian.

Look, you stole those iPads, and that's wrong.

- Yep.

And I'm not giving them back.

Now what?

* *

- Now this.

This makes sense if you just heard

the end of my previous conversation, okay?

[bell rings]

- Oh, hey, Jamie. Isn't, uh, Pamela in this class?

The object of our gentlemen's prank war?

- Is she? Hmm. I hadn't realized.

[door opens]

[clears throat] Hey, dude, um, no offense,

but you smell like hella dog poop.

- Yeah, I should hope so.

[whimpering]

Oh, I've been volunteering at an animal rescue.

Hey, girl. This is for you.

- What?

- So she's just going to hold a dog all through class?

[door opens]

[bell rings]

- [sighs]

Okay, students, dogs, take your seats.

You have the whole class to finish your quiz,

because I need to finish

writing an angry letter to Tinder

about the quality of the responses I've been getting.

- I have a delivery for a "future Mrs. Pamela Spano."

- Pretty romantic, huh?

Wait till you hear the poem.

- I've been instructed to read this poem.

- Um, can you not? We're in the middle of a quiz.

- [clears throat]

"Roses are red, violets are blue

Jamie is married, but Mac says--"

- Hey, boo.

- Damn it! How?

- [whispering] Psst! Daisy!

Daisy!

Switch seats with me so I can sit next to Pamela.

- No! Shh!

- She's in the middle of a quiz. Leave her alone!

Daisy! Daisy!

Switch seats with me so I can sit next to Pamela!

Please! - Ugh! Fine, Jamie! Take it!

Whatever will get you two to shut up!

- Hey.

- Aw...

I guess you won.

Wait.

[desk whirring]

- Whoa!

Dude, come on!

Not fair! - Mac, stop it!

- Shh, shh. - Daisy, be quiet.

The other students are trying to take their quiz.

- [stammering]

[Jamie groans]

- Hey, beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?

- What's happening? Is she doing it?

Is he buying her a drink? [desk whirring]

- Hey, um, people are saying

they saw you put a name in the snitch box.

- Maybe.

Not that it's any of your business.

- So you're really going to get me in trouble

just 'cause you didn't get invited to some dumb-ass party?

- You did the wrong thing and stole.

So I did the right thing, and I told on you.

- Hmm. Mm. Okay.

So 30 iPads.

So that's a felony, right?

Damn, I'm probably going to be in jail for a couple years.

Not ideal. Not ideal at all.

You know, 'cause both of my parents are gone

and I take care of my grandma.

Oh, but you love doing the right thing.

So you'll step in.

Yeah, you'll give her her insulin shots

and fill out her Medicare paperwork.

Pick up her teeth when she throws them at the TV

'cause someone tried to lie to Judge Judy.

You'll do all those things, right?

Cool. Thanks.

* *

- Bro, what you just did in there was messed up.

You know I love her, right? - No, I love her!

All I want to do is stare at her blue or brown eyes!

Eye?

Eyes! - Oh, my God!

Neither of you love her!

You haven't even heard her speak!

Can she? You don't know.

I'm ending this, now.

- No, Daisy! What are you doing?

- Mac and Jamie both like you.

Do you want to go to Yasmin's party with either of them?

- Great! Done. - [chuckles]

- This whole stupid thing is over. Hurray!

- Ha! I won!

I won Pamela's heart!

- [scoffs] I can't believe you just did that!

No one in the history of Bayside

has ever short-circuited a gentlemen's prank war before.

[scoffing]

- Oh, sorry, I don't need a romantic serenade anymore.

Actually, can you play "Bitch Better Have My Money"?

[violin plays]

- So you really snitched on DeVante?

- No. Do not try to guilt-trip me.

That sob story about his family was probably made up.

I bet his real grandma is, like, rich and hella strong.

- Do you think you're maybe being kind of hard on him?

He's still one of us.

- [scoffs] Why do people keep saying that?

I'm not like him.

- Do you remember in middle school

when you got your braids done for class pictures

and you wanted to add pink hair?

You didn't 'cause you thought it looked too ghetto,

but then our teacher, Ms. Winston--

- Freakin' Ms. Winston.

[speaking Spanish]

- Uh, right.

She called your regular

not-pink braids "ghetto" anyway.

Sometimes people are just... Ms. Winstons.

Some of the Bayside kids are going to paint

all the Douglas kids with the same brush,

no matter what we do.

DeVante did a bad thing.

But you're blaming him

for how those other kids are making you feel.

* *

- [crying] Stop it, Lexi.

[door opens] Crying in a bathroom stall

is so basic.

[door closes] [continues crying]

- Lexi?

Is that you?

- You.

You ruined everything

in your JC Penney "stern frump" collection sweater.

- It's Kelly Clarkson for Kohl's.

- Did it ever occur to you

that maybe I have complicated feelings for Jamie

and that all of Mac and Jamie's little schemes

to win Pamela's heart existed within a larger scheme

for me to win Jamie's?

- How could that possibly have occurred to me?

- Okay. Let me break it down for you.

I like Jamie.

And for the past 11 months, I've been looking for

the perfect opportunity to tell him.

And if you had just minded your own business

and let it run its course,

Mac would have won Pamela's heart,

Jamie would have been devastated,

and I could've swooped in and revealed my feelings

at the romantic ice cream social

when Jamie was at his most vulnerable.

- I'm sorry, I really want to hear this,

but I do have to pee. - Hold it.

- Please... - When you interfered

and made Pamela choose prematurely,

it completely screwed up my Lexi-con.

"Lexi-cons" are what I call my schemes.

- Well, wouldn't it be easier if you just ask him out?

- You're so judgmental.

[scoffs]

* *

- I think Eric stole the iPads.

Maybe you should give us both detention

and lock us in the room together,

and as punishment, we have to kiss 100 times.

- I'm not sure who to tell,

but I think Toddman lives at the school now.

I saw him walking around in a bathrobe

holding a shower caddie.

- Aisha? What are you doing?

Are you busting into the snitch box?

- Wait, why would you do something like that, unless...

[both groan]

You stole the iPads.

* *

[indistinct whispering]

- [whispering] She stole them. - [whispering] That's her.

- Stop whispering. I can hear you.

- Sorry, we have to whisper. We're in the library.

We think you're a thief.

Sorry.

- [sighs]

This sucks. Everyone thinks I did it.

Like, any minute now,

Toddman's going to call me into his office,

and everyone's going to go, "Ooh!"

And I'll be branded the Bayside thief.

- So what are you going to do? - It doesn't matter.

Now I know that no matter how much I try

to distance myself from DeVante,

these kids are always going to think of us as the same.

You were right. This school is full of Ms. Winstons.

Freakin' "Precious Moments" collectin'-ass,

Joann Fabrics lovin'-ass bitch.

- Okay. - [over PA]Aisha Garcia,

to my office, please.

- [scoffs] Come on.

[students oohing]

Yeah, that's right. "Ooh!"

I stole the iPads. You got me.

Nobody want's your lame-ass JanSport, Mason!

Yasmin literally has a Fendi bag.

I would obviously steal that.

* *

- We don't think you took the iPads, Aisha,

but we think you might know who did.

- Yeah, well, even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

- Oh, that's a big problem.

- I'm sorry, but I'm not going to give the people here

another reason to look at us all like we're criminals.

- No, the problem I'm referring to

is that I just found the box of iPads

right under my desk.

They were shoved behind this box of photos

of me and Judy on vacation.

- Wait, so no one took the iPads?

- Niagara Falls.

God, she filled out that rain poncho.

Anyway, all's well that ends well.

What do you say we just keep this between ourselves?

- Ron! - All right, I'll do it!

I'll make an announcement.

[P.A. clicks on] Hey, everybody!

So, uh...

[dance music playing]

* *

[indistinct chatter]

- Where's your girlfriend, loser?

- Where's your girlfriend?

Oh, wait, that's right. She doesn't exist.

Just like Santa... I found out recently.

- Hey, first off, Santa is real, bro.

He exists in the hearts of all who believe.

- Yeah. - And second off, this...

- [gasps]

- [scoffs] Jokes on you. My penis was hot anyways.

- Oh.

[students clamoring]

- Hey! Hey!

Hey, knock it off! My office, now!

Okay, I've seen this before.

This whole competition isn't over a girl at all.

You're both just trying to one-up each other

and prove you're the big man on campus.

They call it...

toxic masculinity.

Forget about this stupid fight.

Your friendship-- that's what really matters.

- What friendship? - Too far!

- Hey! Hey! Come on, guys.

Look, when I was in high school,

I constantly used to fight with my best friend

over a hot girl.

[chuckles]

Oh, it was actually your dad.

Over your mom!

Anyway, look.

Then I just found another girl that I really liked,

and I started hooking up with her instead.

Wait, that was your mom.

Anyway, look, what I'm trying to say here is,

girls, they come and go.

The only thing that really matters here is friendship.

Now, that is forever.

- But you don't even talk to my dad anymore.

And I know that 'cause my mom was sending out Christmas cards

and she goes, "Should I send one to Slater?"

And he goes, "Nah, I don't talk to him anymore."

- It would have been nice to get one of those.

Got a cool collection of fridge magnets.

Nothing to hang.

- And you keep saying that none of this matters,

but according to your story, it totally mattered.

Like, Mac's dad winning that battle was probably

one of the most important things he ever did.

- Yeah, if he didn't win, I wouldn't exist.

- Oh, my God. That's true. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So the girl we fight over now

could end up being our future wife?

When I think about it like that, I mean...

I just know that Pamela is not the one for me.

- Me either. - Best friends again?

- Yeah. Until there's another girl we're both attracted to.

- Great! - Sweet!

Thanks, Coach.

- Yeah. [sniffles]

[clears throat] Really glad we had this talk.

- Yeah. - I appreciate it.

- Me too. Do you feel better? - I feel great.

- Me too. Good.

- [gasps] - In a moment of weakness,

I confided in you some very valuable information,

and I need to know what you're planning on doing with it.

- What? The Jamie thing?

- Shh!

What are you going to do, you sick bitch?

Extort me? Sell it to Harvey Levin?

He won't print it. He's my godfather.

- No! Lexi, I'm sorry I messed up your plan.

And I promise you, I will never tell anyone.

- Oh, my God. I believe you.

- So no one else knows about this?

- Absolutely not.

Okay, having a crush is pathetic and relatable.

I don't want people knowing

there's something I want that I can't have.

- Okay, and sorry.

W-why do you think you can't have it?

- It's complicated.

Look, Jamie and I have been friends forever.

We grew up next door to each other.

I guess it's so scary. I mean, like, what if I tell him

and things get weird

and he doesn't want to be my friend anymore?

Then who am I going to wave good night to every night?

Our other neighbor is Simon Cowell,

and I promised myself I would never return his wave.

- Wow, I--

I had no idea you had all this going on.

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry I've been so judgmental.

- It's okay. I was judging your T-zone this whole time.

Touching it will only make it worse.

* *

[dog barking, siren wailing]

* *

- DeVante!

Yo!

Hey, I'm sorry, but I-- - Yo, shh!

I know I shouldn't be here and I know that you're mad at me,

but I'm Ms. Winston.

I was afraid of what all the Ms. Winstons thought about me,

but I was Ms. Winston the whole time.

- No, thanks. - Uh, you were right.

I only told on you 'cause I thought you made me look bad.

And I'm sorry for that.

But I'm even more sorry that it never occurred to me

that you didn't do it.

I had this idea in my head about who you are.

- Why?

'Cause I stole that UPS truck

and sold all the packages in it?

Or 'cause I jacked that Rascal scooter outside of Target

and took it for a very slow joyride?

- And because the other day, you literally said, "I did it."

[chuckles]

Which I get now.

- Look, I did some bad stuff at Douglas.

But you wanted a fresh start at Bayside,

and you never stopped to think that maybe I wanted one, too.

- I'm really sorry.

Do you forgive me?

- Only if you promise to never come to my house again.

[both chuckle]

Come on, man. Get out of here.

- Oh, and, um, all that stuff you said about your grandma

and her medication and you needing to help her, like--

- Aw, yeah, I made all that up just to make you feel bad.

- Yeah, I thought so.

Okay, well, I'ma just...

- DeVante, I need my shot!

And come pick up my teeth!

Judge Judy caught this man in a lie,

talking about he don't know who cut the tree down.

He knows! - [chuckles]

You better go. - Yeah, no. She's really scary.

- [chuckles]