Original subtitles

(bell rings)

? When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning ?

? I don't think I'll ever make it on time ?

? By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look ?

? I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by ?

? It's all right ?

? 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ?

? If the teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess ?

? And my dog ate all my homework last night ?

? Ridin' low on my chair, she won't know that I'm there ?

? If I can hand it in tomorrow it will be all right ?

? It's all right ?

? 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell ?

Screech?

(electronic voice) Good morning, Zack.

Hi, Kevin. Can I come in?

Sure, I'm dressed.

So where's Screech?

He's in the bathroom... shaving.

Come on. What's he shaving, his cat?

No. He only shaves his cat on Halloween.

- Hi, Zack. - Hi, Screech.

Where's the aftershave lotion, Kevin?

We don't have any. You're not using a blade yet.

Screech, we're gonna be late for school.

- What are you doing? - Growing up before your very eyes.

But some people don't notice the elderly.

Are you sure he didn't drink the aftershave?

No, yesterday was Screech's birthday -- and guess who forgot?

Oh no! How could I have forgotten?

You? How about me? I'm programmed to remember.

Maybe you had one of those 24-hour computer viruses.

I hope it wasn't Robot Rot.

Okay, let's go.

Hey, Screech, Happy Birthday.

- Better late than never? - Ha!

You told him, didn't you?

Excuse me, I got to go to the bathroom.

(bangs locker)

(southern accent) Oh, Slater, would you be so kind

as to help a damsel in distress?

Lisa? Are you all right?

Be a dear and disengage my locker.

Thank you. I always have depended on the kindness of strangers.

Hey, now, Lisa, why are you acting like this?

I'm trying out for the Drama Festival.

Do you believe me as a Southern belle?

No, but I'd believe you as a northern ding-dong.

We're all trying out for the Drama Festival.

I'm auditioning as Joan of Arc.

- Hey, doesn't she die in that play? - Yes.

Go for it.

- What part are you playing, Kelly? - Eliza Doolittle, "My Fair Lady."

"The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain."

Hey, babe, you can stand under my umbrella anytime.

(bad Cockney accent) Oh, Slater, maybe later.

Hall monitor: Hey! No loitering in the halls!

- Says who? - Says me. I'm the hall monitor.

You scare my hair, skinny.

You'll all sing a different tune when I throw you in detention.

I don't know a different tune.

I had a hard enough time learning that one, luv.

Some sick chick.

- Hi, Screech. How's it go-- - Ha!

Too little, too late.

We've got to do something about Screech's birthday.

We forgot it. Isn't that enough?

Screech is our friend, and we let him down.

We have to make it up to him.

Okay, what are we gonna do for the cute little geek?

It's got to be something really special

to make up for not remembering his birthday.

Why don't we send him to Disney World?

- We can't afford that. - We could if we mailed him.

Wait, I've got it. This is genius.

Today we'll give Screech a surprise party.

- But his birthday was yesterday. - That's the surprise.

Now, this will make Bayside history.

It won't be just any surprise party.

It'll be the most daring birthday party ever!

- Sounds exciting. - Wait, I don't know about this.

It sounds dangerous. I'm getting nervous.

Will someone shoot her with a tranquilizer dart?

We're gonna give Screech a surprise party here at school,

during sixth period, and do you know where it's gonna be?

- In Belding's office. - (all sputter)

Belding's office?! That's impossible!

Jessie, don't you understand? No guts, no glory.

The bigger the challenge, the more it will mean to Screech.

Look, I am class president. I could be ruined here at Bayside.

- Yeah. Let's risk it. - Zack: All right!

This is crazy! How are you gonna get Belding out of his office?

I'm not. Bayside's three finest actresses are.

Trust me. Hey, Max?

What's up, Zack?

Can you make us a birthday cake for Screech?

- When do you need it? - Yesterday.

Ask me tomorrow. Here, maybe I can help.

I just happen to have my magical cookbook with me.

- But there's no cake in there. - Maybe it's not ready yet.

(timer bell rings)

It think it's done.

- Can I taste it? - (snaps)

Kelly: Wow!

You better wait and let it cool off.

Okay, but there's still one big problem, Preppie.

How are we gonna pull this party off

with "Nasty Neil" patrolling the halls?

- We'll have to eliminate him. - Hey, count me out.

I'm not killing anyone for Screech.

Slater, all we gotta do is record Neil's voice on this tape recorder

- and he's hall monitor history. - All right.

- Go! - Slow down, idiot.

- What did you say? - Slow down, dummy!

Thanks.

You guys don't stand a chance. I'm gonna win that Drama Festival.

No way. My Joan of Arc will light up the stage!

- If they burn you at the stake! - (all arguing loudly)

- Girls, hey, girls! - Yeah?

- Shut up and move it. - You can't talk to us like that.

Yeah, you're just a jerk with a badge.

I've had enough of your lip.

And we have all we need of yours.

- Neil, can I ask you a question? - Hurry up, I don't have all day.

Now, can you tell me the truth. What do you really think of me?

You're a creep.

I was hoping you'd say that.

(clicks)

- Mr. Dewey? - Present.

I sent 14 more kids to detention today, sir.

Detention's too crowded.

Maybe we should bring back the death penalty.

A little vice-principal humor.

(bell rings)

Fasten your seat belts.

We're about to blast off into the magic kingdom of algebra.

Mr. Dewey, would you explain the quadratic equation on page 58?

Why not? It'll kill some time before the bell rings.

Neil's voice: Hurry up! I don't have all day.

Relax, Neil. Some of us learn faster than others.

- Mr. Dewey-- - Where was I?

Shut up and move it!

- What did you say? - Nothing, Mr. Dewey. Honest.

Neil, don't mess with the "Dewman."

I've had enough of your lip.

- Say what? - You're a creep.

(flatly) I'm so mad I could spit nails.

But, Mr. Dewey, I didn't say anything.

- Neil, we all heard your voice. - But--

The only butt I want to see is yours in detention.

And you won't be needing this anymore. Out!

Mr. Dewey, I think the next hall monitor should be someone

who's fair, decent, and honest. Someone we really care about.

I'm a teacher. I can't be hall monitor.

- He means Screech, sir. - Screech?

Mr. Dewey, I'd like to officially place Screech's name in nomination.

(class chanting) Screech, Screech, Screech...

Now that you're hall monitor, just remember who put you there.

You're right. I'll never forget Mr. Dewey.

Hey, not him. Me.

A permanent hall pass would be a nice way of saying "thank you."

Sure, Zack.

Thanks, Screech. You're a pal.

Consider it an early birthday present.

(bell rings)

Duty calls. Hey, hey, excuse me!

No running in the halls.

- Hey, can't you read?! - Yeah, I can read.

Good. Save me a seat in the library.

All right, Preppie, everything is set.

We own the halls.

Now all we have to do is get Belding out of his office.

The girls are taking care of that as we speak.

(phone ringing)

Hello, Belding speaking.

Mr. Belding, you're like sunshine on a rainy day.

I'm in desperate need of a favor.

- Okay, but who is this? - I'm one of your students.

Just a poor little ol' magnolia who's lost at the mall.

Now, now, now... just stay calm and tell me your name.

Why speak of names, mon ami, when we can speak of amour?

Who is this? If you don't tell me who you are, I can't help.

Me old man told me never to give me name

to a stranger over the phone.

Now who's on the line? Is this some kind of prank?

(southern accent) Sir, I would never prank a Yankee.

I'm a split personality, and my other two personalities

are holding me against my will at the mall.

- (cockney accent) Am not. - (french accent) Am too.

I believe you, but I need your name so I can help you.

(french accent) You may call me Babette.

And you call me Betty-Jo-Bobby-Sue-- Anne.

Betty-Jo-Bobby-Sue-Anne.

(cockney accent) The name's Eliza, luv.

All right, all right, all right. Look--

I know, I'll look for you in front of the corn dog stand.

Now, stay put. All of you.

- I will. - I will.

I won't.

Multiple personalities. I can't believe it.

I have a sports car, I hope they'll all fit.

(phone rings)

- Hello? - Little Lamb, this is Jackal.

The "Balding Eagle" has left his nest.

(bell rings)

Screech: Argh! Ugh!

Job got you down, Screech?

This isn't so bad, except Muffin Sangria is wearing heels today.

I think she gave me an extra belly button.

Screech, there was a time when I was a puny little runt like you.

Hard to believe, huh?

You?! Get outta here.

To be tough you have to think tough.

Personally, I think of myself as "Dirty Harry."

(flatly) "Go ahead, make my day."

Wow!

You think I could be a Dirty Harry, too?

You have to find your own hero, son.

Yeah...

- We're going out Saturday night. - I'm not going out with you.

Okay, forget Saturday. We're going out right now.

Help! Help! Isn't there anyone who can save me?

(deep voice) I'll save you.

- Who's that? - It's "Roboscreech."

- Hall monitor of the future. - And my hero.

You have three seconds to unhand her.

- Get lost. - Two seconds... one second.

Roboscreech, I love you.

You have three seconds to kiss me...

two seconds... one second.

- Oh, Roboscreech. - Hey, no kissing in the halls!

Says who?

Scanning-- boing, boing--

doofus at 10 paces.

I want to be hall monitor again. I'm here to get my job back.

- Impossible. - Oh yeah? Draw.

(all screaming)

(buzzing)

I love this job.

I can do it, Mr. Dewey. You can count on Screech Powers.

I'm deeply moved.

In case you need it, I'm giving you the power

to send all lawbreakers directly to detention.

(bell rings)

Mr. Dewey, the bell has rung. You should be in class.

Here's your late slip.

You're firm, but fair.

Guys, we're running out of time. When are you gonna decorate?

We already did.

- Festive. - Hey, look, just trust us.

When the party starts, you'll say, "Wow, guys, this place looks great."

It better be soon because Lisa and Kelly went to The Max

to get the cake.

I'll be right back with recyclable paper plates,

and biodegradable plastic spoons.

What is taking Jessie so long?

Knowing her, she probably stopped to save a whale.

Where is she? Kelly and Lisa should have been here by now, too.

Belding will be back any minute, and the ice cream will melt.

- How are we gonna have a party? - Pull yourself together, Preppie.

You're whining.

It's my party and I'll whine if I want to.

You're making Jessie look better every minute.

I'll go find her, okay?

Screech, have you seen Jessie?

Yeah, she's in detention,

and you'll be there too unless you show me your hall pass.

What?

You heard me. Let me see your pass.

- I don't have one. - All right, against the lockers.

Spread 'em.

(brief giggle) Cut it out, that tickles.

Pipe down. Don't make me hurt you.

Oh yeah? You and who else?

My deputy.

Screech, you don't know what you're doing.

Yeah I do. I gotta do more of it.

You better watch it, Slater.

He's still bummed out about his birthday.

(knocking in rhythm)

- What's the password? - Come on, Zack. Open the door.

- No, that's not it. - You better say it.

"Zack Morris is the most awesome guy in the world.

He is so hot, I just want to be with him forever." Okay?

Hey, you missed "studmuffin." Close enough.

Come on, come on, come on.

Zack, that is the dumbest password I've ever heard.

Hey, you're just jealous, because you didn't get to say it.

- Where's Jessie and Slater? - We thought they were with you.

Great, that's half the guest list.

You finish setting up here, and we'll go find them.

- Time is running out. - So's the ice cream.

Here.

Okay, you hit the library, and I'll check the cafeteria.

Gotcha.

Well, well, well. Aren't we in a hurry?

- Screech? - I'm booking you both for speeding.

Aren't you taking this hall monitor thing a little too seriously?

Lady, some things you're supposed to take seriously...

like remembering a loved one's birthday!

You've got influence, talk to him.

- Must I? - Yes, and you know why.

Screech, you know how you're always asking me on a date

- and I always say no? - Yeah.

Maybe if you ask me this weekend,

I just might give you a different answer.

You mean, if I let you two go, you'll go out with me?

- Yes, "hunk of mine." - Okay, that's it, toots.

Bribing an officer on top of everything else.

- But Screech-- - You too, "sparklepuss."

Next stop, detention.

Hey, Screech, you can't take them to detention.

- You'll ruin everything. - I'm the law of this town, mister.

I can do what I please!

How are we gonna get out of here before the party?

We're just going to have to make up some excuses.

Watch this.

Mr. Dewey, I just remembered I left my gym locker open.

Someone might take my wrestling jersey.

- Can I be excused? - Wrestle topless.

It'll drive 'em wild.

Mr. Dewey, I'm not feeling so well.

Can some of my friends help me to the school nurse?

She's home sick. I wish I were. Sit down.

Mr. Dewey, we don't belong here.

That's what they all say.

Well, that's it. The party's over.

(announcement bell ringing)

This is Miss Johnson, Mr. Belding's secretary.

The following students report to the office immediately.

Miss Johnson? She must be new here.

I'm new here, so I hope I get these names right.

Jessie Spano, A.C. Slater,

Lisa Turtle, Kelly Kapowski,

and Screech Powers.

You heard her, clear out!

The rest of you can watch me practice my Tai Kwan Do.

Come on, hey, I'm good, aren't I?

- Come on, give me five. - Save it, Preppie.

We just saw Belding's car pulling into the parking lot.

After all this, we don't even have time for a party.

Yes we do. Just not a long one.

All right, where's Mr. Belding?

Look Screech, we're sorry we forgot about your birthday.

And we're even sorrier we made you hall monitor.

- But you're still our friend. - So...

- Surprise! - All: Happy Birthday!

All right, Screech!

Ooh, I love it!

You guys are giving me a birthday party

after I put you all in detention?

Well, Screech, we love you.

If I had the right circuits, I'd cry.

I'm sorry I let being hall monitor go to my head.

You guys are the best friends a guy could ever--

- Shut up, Screech. There's no time. - (all sing rapidly)

? Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you ?

? Happy Birthday, dear Screech, Happy Birthday to you. ?

- Quick, make a wish. - There aren't any candles.

That's right. Then don't make a wish.

- That cake looks delicious. - It is.

- Jessie: Trust us. - Kelly: Get the gifts!

All right, Screech, this is from me.

- I wonder what it is? - It's a chemistry set!

- A sweater. - A pair of sunglasses.

A calculator.

A compass, for when I tell you to get lost.

- I'll bet they were beautiful. - Okay, that's it. Let's clean up.

Wow. I don't know what to say.

Well, good. We don't have time to hear it.

(instrumental theme music plays)

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