Original subtitles

(bell rings)

? When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning ?

? I don't think I'll ever make it on time ?

? By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look ?

? I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by ?

? It's all right ?

? 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ?

? If the teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess ?

? And my dog ate all my homework last night ?

? Ridin' low in my chair, she won't know that I'm there ?

? If I can hand it in tomorrow it will be all right ?

? It's all right ?

? 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell ?

Every student council meeting has one thing in common --

screaming teenagers.

- (gavel bangs) - Hey, hey, hey!

Please!

Now, does anyone else have anything to bring before the council?

I do. The cheerleading squad desperately needs $600 for new uniforms.

Let's give them $200 and make them wear bikinis.

- Yeah! - Yeah, woo-hoo!

(laughs)

Good one, Zack.

Don't encourage him, he should be caged.

I support the cheerleaders. They represent our high school.

Their uniforms should have the dignity these ladies deserve.

- All right. - (Zack laughs)

Wait a minute, now. $600 is a lot of money.

We have money. How healthy is our treasury, Wendy?

It's on life support. They've sent for a priest.

I'm afraid the numbers never lie.

- Maybe next year, girls. - Any other motions?

Yeah, let's see the cheerleaders in motion.

(laughs)

I'm sorry, Jessie, I'll never laugh again.

No, wait a minute. How hard can it be to raise $600?

Okay, the floor is open for suggestions.

How about a date auction? I bet a lot of girls would bid on Zack and Slater.

Yeah, we could auction off dates to the Spring Dance.

Auctioning off dates is sexist flesh peddling

and should be strictly forbidden.

- All in favor? - All: Aye.

Did you see the way Brian looked at me when he said we were dignified?

- He likes me. - He likes you?

What are you talking about? He just ignored you completely.

You noticed it, too? I love it when they play hard to get.

I can't believe you two voted against me.

Auctioning off dates is just a glorified meat market.

Quit beefin', woman. I'm single and I'm after a prime hunk.

I bet I bring in more cash than you at the auction.

Dream on, Curly. It will be the easiest money I'll ever make.

Oh yeah? Watch "Dr. Love" operate.

Claudia, how much would you pay to go out on a date with me?

Now take your time, babe. Big numbers are tough.

$50, not to date you.

Ow!

Beat that, knuckleheads.

- See you later, buddy. - (bell rings)

We've got to stop this disgusting, sexist, dehumanizing auction.

Come on, lighten up. It'll be fun. Besides, you can bid on me.

It's just the principle. I can't believe

my own boyfriend doesn't even support me.

Go ahead... sell your muscles. But I'm not going to bid on them.

It's not good to be afraid of your girlfriend.

Hey, Lisa, what do you think of this?

I think it will scare the fleas off of my dog.

Hi, Brian. It was really nice of you to support the cheerleaders.

It was nothing.

- What are you reading? - "The Hunchback of Notre Dame."

Oh, a football book.

No, the hunchback didn't make the team. This is a classic.

Ever read "Confessions of a Mall Queen"? It's a classic, too.

Shucks, I'm afraid I missed that one.

Oh, don't worry, I can lend you my copy.

So, does your girlfriend mind that you're in the auction?

I don't have a girlfriend.

(quietly) All right!

- Excuse me? - It's all right to be single.

It's my favorite quality in a man.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go to a French lecture.

Well, as they say in France,

"Ba-bye, baby."

Sure.

Ah... Linda, Linda, Linda. What a beautiful name.

It is, but mine is Lydia.

Lydia, Lydia, Lydia. Oh, it's so much nicer than Linda.

The date auction is just a few days away.

- Did you make any decisions, yet? - Not yet.

Well, maybe you need some coaching.

Hi, can I get you guys anything?

Not unless you have a date with Lydia on the menu.

Now, about this date auction,

if any one of you sweeties dare bid on my Slater,

I'll hunt you down in the streets like a rabid dog.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Jessie, lighten up. This date auction is for a good cause.

Besides, the guys want to do it. So it's not sexist... it's sexy.

You both make interesting points. Really-- fascinating.

But if either of you bid on Slater, you're dead. You got me?

Who put sandpaper on her toilet seat?

Our next hunk to be auctioned off is Herbert Hotis.

Herbert is Sergeant-at-Arms of the Insect Club.

We'll start the bidding at $5.

Do I hear five? Gimme, gimme five?

(both sigh heavily)

Going once, twice, sold to Merris Clement for 15 cents.

I didn't even expect that.

Our next participant is a straight-A student,

and Vice-President of the Student Council.

He is our very own Brian Watkins.

(applause and cheers)

This one's mine. Let the games begin.

Do I hear a $5 donation?

- $5! - Uh... $20.

- $25. - 30!

You top that, and I'll tell everyone in school about your training bra.

I have $30. Going once...

going twice...

you are promised to Lisa Turtle for $30.

Charge 'em, please.

Next up, AC Slater.

Show them those biceps, son. Yeah!

Hey, we'll start the bidding at $5.

Okay... give me $4.

- Jessie, bid on him. - Get real, missy.

$3?

Poor Slater, he looks so embarrassed. I bid $10.

(everyone gasps)

I have $10 going once...

going twice...

You are promised to Kelly Kapowski.

Hey, all right.

Slater, I forbid you to go out with Kelly.

Hey, she bid fair and square. I guess I have a date for the dance

and you don't.

That's what you think, buster.

Our next eligible hunk is one of my favorites.

I bid 25 bucks.

Sold, Mama.

We'll grow to love each other.

Our next participant needs no introduction.

Zack Morris, come on down.

(loud cheers)

Okay, okay, now do I have $5?

- Baby, you've got $25! - 30!

I have 30. Do I hear 35?

- 35! - 40.

We've got heat at 40. Do I hear $50? Anyone, $50?

50!

- I bid $75. - (crowd oohs)

Wow, $75!

Going once...

going twice... so--

$100.

$100?

Wow, where do you kids get your allowances?

$100! Going once...

going twice...

Zack Morris, you are promised to Wendy Parks.

All right!

Hi, Brian. Are you as excited about the dance as I am?

Certainly.

Maybe we can even go out before the dance.

I don't think so, Lisa. Face it, we don't have anything in common.

That's not true. I mean... we both live in California,

we both attend the same school, we're both--

Different. I don't care about fashion

and you'd be bored by "Catcher in the Rye."

No I wouldn't. I love baseball.

It's not about baseball, Lisa.

You see, it's about... alienation.

I loved "Alien Nation." It was my favorite TV show.

No, Lisa, um... I've got to go.

Excuse me.

Zack, hi. I saved us a table.

- Aww. - You did?

Yeah, lunch, remember? We're going to talk about the dance?

I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.

(Zack, quietly) Slater, Slater. Come on.

Zack, I am so excited about our date, I haven't been able to eat.

But, I guess that's good for me. (giggles)

Look, Wendy... I really can't have lunch today.

- What's wrong? - (Zack screams)

It's-- it's my back. You see, it's an old track injury.

- I have to go to the doctor. - You seemed fine earlier.

(groaning)You never know when it's going to hit.

- Is there anything I can do? - You can pray for me.

Slater, I need to know what you think about me.

You know, the real me, the person.

Okay. You're pretty, you're fun at parties,

and you never have bad breath.

Anything else, a bit deeper?

Okay... you're a great dancer.

- That's it? - Well yeah, I guess so.

Then it's true, I am an airhead.

Lisa?

Boy, this is definitely not my day with women.

The new uniforms have been ordered

with the money raised at the auction!

Try and make these last, Miss-Rah-Rah-Sis-Boom-Bleech.

Meeting adjourned.

Jessie is still mad at me. Let's call the date off.

No way! She started this and I'm going to teach her a lesson.

Sorry I'm late. I was in the library reading up on Tolstoy.

Or "Tolstoy" as it is often pronounced in Eastern Europe.

What's with Lisa?

The nail polish fumes must have gone to her head.

- Hello, Brian. - Lisa, is that you?

- (scoffs) Of course it's me. - You've really been reading Tolstoy?

Oh, I just loved "Anna Karenina."

I cried at the end when she threw herself under the train.

Lisa, I'm impressed.

You inspired me to become a more serious student.

Really? Let me help you with those books.

I know a quiet little corner in the library

- where we can both read together. - I hope I'm dressed right--

- I mean, the library might be chilly. - You can borrow my sweater.

Hi, Zack. Feeling better?

Oh, oh, the doctors all feel with intensive acupuncture needle therapy,

um... deep tissue massage and vitamin B shots,

I might recuperate and live a normal life.

But of course I won't be able to dance.

I called your house to see how you were and your mom said you were surfing.

Ah, uh... well, I was body surfing.

You see, you have to lie down to do that.

This is so you don't have to go to the dance with me, isn't it?

- No-- - Because I don't look like Lydia,

- or Kelly, or Elle McPherson. - Wendy--

I've heard the "I'm sick" excuses before,

but I thought you were different.

I'll have more fun going to the dance by myself.

At least I'll be with someone who's honest.

Descartes was my favorite philosopher.

He said, "I think, therefore I am."

Well, yes. But I ask,

"If I think not, am I not?"

I think not. Don't you think?

Lisa, I was wrong about you. Your brain teasers are driving me wild.

I've always loved philosophy.

For example, what is art?

Are we art? Is art art?

Excuse me, Lisa. Phone call. It's Art.

- Have you heard yourself lately? - Yeah, I'm good, aren't I?

Brian really likes the new intellectual me.

Brian isn't liking the real Lisa.

He's liking some fake phony philosopher.

Yeah, but this phony has a boyfriend.

The old Lisa didn't.

Zack, you've got to help me. Screech is driving me crazy.

Yep, you and everyone else.

He thinks he's in love with me.

He keeps sending bouquets but no flowers.

And instead of candy, he brings leftovers from home.

Hello there, my fairest, tallest, and oh so long-legged feminist.

- (growls) - Help.

I brought you something to chew on between classes --

Mom's meatloaf. Enjoy.

Ugh, he's such a geek.

What's everyone gonna think when they see us at the dance?

Come on, Jessie.

Screech may act like a crash-test dummy, but underneath he's a great guy.

He's gonna humiliate me in front of the whole school.

- I've got to get out of this. - You made a commitment.

You'll break his dorky little heart if you back out now.

- I sound stuck up and awful, don't I? - You sure do.

You're right, I should give the little booger a chance.

Wendy's not exactly your type, but you're going with her.

- Yeah, right. - Then I'll do it. Thanks, Zack.

But... you take the meatloaf.

(rock music playing)

What happened to your date, Herbie?

She told me she suddenly had to move to Europe.

Mine too, what a coincidence.

- Yeah. - Where's your babe, Morris?

She decided not to go with me.

That's not good. You need to come up with a better excuse.

Yeah, like, she joined the space program.

Hey, Wendy, where have you been? I've been looking all over for you.

I was at home. What did you think?

That I suddenly moved to Europe or joined the space program?

I'm sorry about what I did, but I'd like to dance with you.

- I guess that would be okay. - All right.

What changed your mind?

I made a commitment to you and I want to keep it.

- Boy, I sound like Oprah. - (giggles)

I just feel guilty about dumping you.

That's nice, but I don't want to be your date because you feel guilty.

Thanks anyway, but I'd rather hang out by the finger foods.

When they need their algebra done, they always come back.

You know, Lisa, I used to tell people they could see the sunset

if they looked through your ears, but you've changed.

I want you to respect me, Brian. I only go to foreign films now,

and yesterday I started French lessons.

French lessons? Parlez-vous Fran�ais?

Not yet, but I love french toast.

It was a joke.

Oh, yes, and a rather funny one too.

Brian, instead of that cello concert tomorrow,

I was thinking maybe we could go to the mall.

The mall? I get it, you're joking again.

You really miss Jessie, don't you?

What makes you say that, Jessie?

You see? You've been calling me that all night.

We haven't moved in 20 minutes, this is a fast dance.

Kelly, you better get ready to show off the new uniforms.

- Slater, you gonna be okay alone? - Sure, Jessie.

He'll be fine. Come on, Slater, let's get some punch.

Sure, Mr. Jessie.

That Spano's one amazing chick.

Really gets my mojo going.

I know, she's one terrific girl.

You mean you miss her?

I don't want to talk about it, okay, Screech?

Slater, are you okay?

Hang in there, you big galoot.

Jessie, get out on the dance floor with Slater.

What about us?

Try to forget about me. You're breaking his heart, Mama.

Hi there.

Mama's back.

Oh, look it, Slater and Jessie are back together.

- Let's go talk to them. - Talk to that Neanderthal? Get real.

And Jessie's worse, what a pseudo-intellectual neurotic.

Don't you like any of my friends?

Are you kidding? Worst of all is Zack.

Even sleep requires too much thinking for him.

Lisa, I think it's time you made some new friends.

Excuse me for breathing.

I have had enough of you, Mr. Too-Much-Attitude.

- What are you doing? - Being moi.

Here's something I learned in French class: Au revoir, creep.

Attention, everyone. Attention.

Your captain of the cheerleading squad, Kelly Kapowski.

This cheer's for you, Bayside.

We needed new uniforms, you knew we did,

so we banded together and decided to bid.

They feel so good, they fit so right.

Thank you, Bayside, you're outta sight.

All right, kids, this is the last dance.

Make it memorable.

(instrumental music playing)

Hey, Wendy. The dance is almost over, what do you say?

I thought we went over this, Zack. You don't have to--

Give me a break, I want to.

- Mind if I cut in? - Go ahead, it's all right.

No thanks, Wendy's my date tonight.

But we'll look for you later at The Max.

The Max? You're asking me out after the dance?

Yeah, might even have some fun-- if that's okay.

No, fun is good, I like fun.

And I like you.

(instrumental theme music playing)

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