Original subtitles

(bell rings)

? When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning ?

? I don't think I'll ever make it on time ?

? By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look ?

? I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by ?

? It's all right ?

? 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ?

? If the teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess ?

? And my dog ate all my homework last night ?

? Ridin' low on my chair, she won't know that I'm there ?

? If I can hand it in tomorrow it will be all right ?

? It's all right ?

? 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell ?

Does everyone know their parts in this movie?

I want it to be great.

Hey, relax, Preppie. It's only a student film.

Quiet on the set.

All right. Now Jessie, you're the history teacher.

The alien will come through that door and suck out your brain.

Zack, why can't he suck out your brain?

Because someone already did.

Very funny. All right, places, everybody.

"Alien Invasion of Bayside" -- take one.

Cue the hideous creature.

Hi, guys.

Cut. Wrong hideous creature.

- How's the movie going? - Great, Mr. B.

Thanks for letting us use the school's new camera.

Just be careful with it.

We have waited two years to get this video equipment.

You've got my word.

That's what makes me nervous.

All right, now, places everybody.

- Take two. - (slate snaps)

Action!

As you know, the Battle of Gettysburg was the turning point

of the Civil War. Until that time,

the South had the North on the run.

(sputtering)

The alien is sucking out her brain!

Mighty fine brains.

After the Battle one of the great speeches in history was made by...

President Pee Wee Herman. (mimics laugh)

Our teacher's hurt. Get the school nurse.

This is awful. Her head's empty.

Who did this?

Don't look at me. I'm an innocent alien bystander.

Don't trust him. He has brain breath.

Turn your sweet little head. I want some dessert.

Back off, bug face. No one messes up my hair.

Ow-ww! My tooth!

Cut, cut! This isn't in the script.

Ooh-- when Belding hears about this,

he's really going to be mad.

Wow. You think he cares that much about my tooth?

Don't you understand? I am president of the school.

My whole reputation is at stake.

I promised Mr. Belding I'd be responsible for the camera.

Look guys, why don't we all chip in and buy a new camera?

Great idea. How much does it cost?

Around $1,200.

Well, I have $23.

I have $36 saved from birthday presents.

- How about you, Lisa? - I owe my father $112.

Then I think the best thing to do is... blame Jessie.

Me? How can you blame me?

That is so irresponsible, so disloyal, so--

Oh, stop being a "stiff pickle," okay?

This is nothing. Here's a guy with real trouble.

A swarm of bees carried him off to be their queen.

Say what? What are you reading?

"The National Babbler."

It's one of those trashy papers that makes up their own news.

Yeah, they'll print anything.

Hey, look at this. "The Babbler" will pay $1500

for "the best picture of an alien."

- Let me see that. - Zack: Look at that right there.

$1500?

Guys, we could buy a new camera with that.

I know, but where on earth are we going to find an alien?

Jessie, what are you doing dressed like that?

Trying to avoid Belding.

He's been asking me for that camera all week.

- I feel so guilty. - You shouldn't feel guilty, Jessie.

You should feel stupid.

Excuse me. You're new here, aren't you?

Welcome to Bayside.

No comprende, se�or.

Oh. You must be an exchange student.

Si.

What's your name-- I mean, nombre?

Nombre?

Maria... Maria Tortilla.

Beautiful name. Nice to meet you.

- I hope you like America. - America, si.

- Hi, Mr. Belding. - Hey, Zack.

- Hi, Jessie. - Jessie?

- Buenos nachos. - Not so fast, "Miss Tortilla."

What is going on, Jessie?

What's going on? Golly, that's a good question.

Zack, you want to answer for "Hessie"?

Well, sir, we've just finished our movie.

You've heard of Batman? Jessie played "Bat-mamacita."

Good. Then where is my camera?

Right here, sir.

I've got to hand it to you, Preppie.

I never thought "The Babbler" would believe Screech as an alien.

Zack Morris?

I'm looking for a Zack Morris.

I'm a Zack Morris.

Did you take this picture?

Actually, we all took it.

Then I'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind.

Oh, you must be from the newspaper.

They said they might send somebody to interview us.

Interview? Oh, right, right.

The name's Thompson.

Now tell me, have you seen the alien more than once?

I see him a lot more than I want to.

Fascinating.

Sounds like you've had many close encounters with the creature.

Don't remind me.

Wow. You know, close encounters like--

like that are worth big money.

Really? Like how much?

We'd pay $10,000 if I could meet this alien.

$10,000?

Do you mind if we speak privately?

Not at all. What do you want to tell me?

I meant with my friends.

You meant with your friends.

I knew that. I'll be right over here.

Zack, whatever you're thinking, just stop. We were lucky once.

All we have to do is convince this guy that Screech is an alien.

- Why would he believe that? - Because he wants to.

I mean, come on, this guy would believe anything.

- Guys, what do we have to lose? - Right.

For 10,000 bucks, let's take a shot.

- I don't like this. - Who cares?

Look, just trust me. This will work, okay?

Mr. Thompson?

I think I can arrange a meeting with you and the alien.

Wow. Here's my number. Call me anytime.

All right. I'll be in touch.

Eagle three, this is Lieutenant Thompson.

We've made contact.

Hey Screech, how'd it go at the dentist?

I had my tooth filled this morning and now I pick up radio stations.

- Zack: You're kidding. - Come on.

(dance music plays)

It's kind of neat. Except when this big guy

held me up to his ear and tried to shove a cassette in my mouth.

We've got something really important to talk to you about.

Radio DJ: Hello, L.A.

Does this happen all the time?

DJ: The time is 9:00.

Just depends on where I'm standing.

Well, let's move you.

(radio tuning, static)

- There we go. - There, that's better.

All right now, Screech, if we can convince "The Babbler"

that you really are an alien, they'll pay us $10,000.

- Gee, I don't know. - Now, Screech,

just think of what you can do with your share.

I could buy a new tractor for my ant farm.

Then you'll do it?

I'll have to let you know later.

I've got to drop this doctor's note off at Mr. Belding's office.

All right, well meet us at lunch, okay?

Announcer: For country eatin' there's no beatin'

Billy Joe Bob's House O' Possum.

Let me get this straight -- you're a lieutenant in the Air Force?

- Where's your uniform? - It's under my suit.

I'm working undercover. (laughs)

It's a little Air Force humor.

Dale Thompson, UFO Investigation Unit.

Bad spot for that.

I'll get 'em. It's okay. It's okay.

I'm here to investigate an alien sighting.

You really believe there are people here from other planets?

Well, they have to be somewhere.

Lieutenant, I think you're wasting your time here at Bayside.

The only flying saucers here are in the school cafeteria.

Then there have been sightings?

That was a joke, Lieutenant, like food fights, kids--

Oh, a joke? That's very--

I'm new on the job, Mr. Belding. I have to check out everything.

Besides, one of your students claims to have made contact.

What student?

Zack Morris.

- I'm sorry. - No, no, no, I got it.

I'll just put it over here. Zack Morris, huh?

Listen the only thing "alien" to Zack Morris is good behavior.

Why don't I just show you his file?

You know, maybe I better hold onto this.

Please. I've got two hands.

I'll look through this material. Fascinating stuff.

Trust me, there's nothing unusual going on at Bayside.

Except perhaps you.

- (intercom buzzes) - Mr. Belding?

- Yes? - Please report to the gym.

The water polo team has a horse in the pool again.

Thank you.

Kids love horseplay.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

(knocking)

Hi. I'm looking for Mr. Belding.

He just left.

I'll just leave this note on his desk.

Pilot: Wind, three-five pressure. Ready to land. We are coming in.

What was that?

Ground control: Come in, vector-niner-zebra--

Wait a minute.

Who, or should I say what, are you?

Zack: Come on, Screech. Don't worry about it.

It'll be easy to convince Mr. Thompson you're from space.

I don't know if I can do that.

Screech, we're all going to be there to help you.

- Jessie: Yeah. - Zack: That's right.

Just for insurance, I asked Max to show you a few tricks.

I think I can teach you how to act like an alien.

You remember Mork, from "Mork and Mindy"?

He had a strange way of drinking.

Lisa, could I have some of your milk?

- Whoa! - All right!

(burps) Excuse me.

Screech: That's great, Max. Do some more.

This one's from my Uncle Martin. He's "My Favorite Martian."

This one will convince anyone.

This is all great, Max, but we have to make

this reporter believe that Screech is an alien.

The best illusions are created in the mind of the beholder.

Here's what we can do...

Zack: This way, Mr. Thompson.

This is where we usually see the alien.

I still don't understand why an alien would appear at a school.

Maybe he wants to take English as a second language.

(electronic whirr)

Hey, I heard those same noises the last time,

just before the alien appeared.

Telekinesis. A sure sign of a close encounter.

Mr. Thompson, that's him.

That's it. That's the alien.

Amazing. Another lifeform.

He likes you.

Mr. Thompson, I wouldn't get too close.

Oh, I have to. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Greetings. I come here in peace.

Greetings back. I came in my mother's car.

- I mean, my mothership. - He speaks our language.

It must be instantaneous translation.

Yeah, I have an ear for human.

- (antenna clatters) - (Screech gasps)

I think it's time for the alien to return to his planet now.

Wait a minute. Something weird's going on here.

That's what close encounters are all about, sir.

Now about that $10,000 check...

if he's an alien, I'm from Mars.

- I'll take an out-of-state check. - Who are you?

News anchor: This is Biff Logan with the nightly news.

I've heard that mouth before.

You're that weird kid I saw in the principal's office.

All right, what is going on here?

Hey everyone. Come on out. The game's over.

You saw right through us.

So this was all just some teenage prank?

Who do you think you're fooling, kid?

For one thing, I'm not a kid.

I'm tired of pretending I'm one of you ugly humans all these years.

Screech, what are you talking about?

I'm not Screech. I'm "Zorch."

He really is an alien.

This explains so much.

This is truly an historic occasion.

Even when I thought it was real and sensed it was a prank,

I really still sensed it was real.

Once we get the alien to Washington, we'll have to see

- about getting you kids a medal. - And $10,000, right?

Well, that'd be up to the government, son.

I'm Lieutenant Thompson, Special Agent, UFO Division.

- You're with the government? - That's right.

I'm taking the alien in for tests.

- Tests? - What kind of tests?

We'll know more about our new little friend once we dissect him.

Dissect? Yikes!

(keystrokes clattering)

Hey, Screech.

How about turning off the light and finishing it another day?

There might not be another day. I'm writing my will.

Oh-hh!

After I'm gone, make sure Lisa gets my reptile collection.

It'll ease her pain.

Look, will you relax?

By noontime tomorrow I'll have this all straightened out, okay?

Now can we go to sleep now?

I got to say my prayers.

Dear "Big Guy in the Sky,"

It's "The Screecher" again.

Well, I guess I'm gonna be seeing you real soon.

If I have to go to heaven, can Zack come with me?

The first day in a new place is hard when you don't know anybody.

Amen.

- Let's turn in! - Thank you.

Hey Screech,

you really want me to go to heaven with you?

Of course. You're my best friend. I'd really miss you.

Thanks, Screech.

Zack?

Yeah?

Do they wear underwear in heaven?

(high-pitched chuckle)

Let me get this straight, Lieutenant,

you think Screech Powers is an alien?

He's the most bizarre creature I've ever seen.

That's true, but it doesn't mean he's from outer space.

Are you questioning my expertise?

Or are you just covering up?

Aliens never travel alone, you know.

Let me see those ears, mister.

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Let go!

You know, maybe you should just leave.

You're disrupting my school, and frankly you're bugging me.

Okay, Belding.

You're messing with the federal government here.

And Uncle Sam can get pretty crabby with a guy like you.

Produce that alien by 3:00 and that's an order, mister.

(door closes)

Forgot my hat.

- You really think this'll work? - Have I ever let you down, sir?

I wish you hadn't said that.

Well, Belding, I'm glad to see you came to your senses.

- Now where's my alien? - He'll be beaming in momentarily.

- (Lockers bang) - Screech: I'm here!

Come on out, Screech. The lieutenant is waiting.

Well, I see he's back to wearing that strange-looking human mask.

Hey, the strange-looking part is me.

All right, you might have fooled me once before,

but this time you're coming with me.

Are you sure you have the right alien, Lieutenant?

What's going on?

What is this, a joke?

Like you said, Lieutenant, "aliens never travel alone."

That's right. Looks like if you're going to take one...

You're going to have to take us all.

I'm not really an alien, Lieutenant.

I just used this to fool you.

Well that's not very honest.

Neither is telling a bunch of kids you're from a newspaper.

- Zack: That's right. - Students: Yeah!

I knew I should have listened to my mother and become a doctor.

I guess we won't be seeing him for a while.

We might be seeing him sooner than we had hoped, sir.

These are his car keys.

- Zack! - It was a backup plan.

I couldn't let him take away my buddy.

Hey, you realize this is the first time

we've been on the same side on anything?

- That's right. - We should team up more often.

(together) Mmm-- I don't think so.

(instrumental theme music plays)

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