All language subtitles for Home.Improvement.-.301.-.Maybe,.Baby

Hey, welcome to Tool Time.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

You all know my assistant

Al "What's the point
of having a weekend?" Borland.

We've been gone for two weeks
on vacation, Al and I.

It's good to be back.
I hope you enjoyed the reruns.

While we were gone,
Al, I guess you finished
that log cabin up at Hope Lake?

Yes, Tim, I have.

I finished it
completely by myself.

Everything in it
is made from logs.

Fantastic.

Can't wait to stop by
and meet the little log woman.

Anyway, while Al was busy
carving himself a life,

I took my family
to the natural history museum
in Chicago.

Very educational.
A lot of fun.
Yes, it is.

But we all know the worst part
of a long car trip -

the family in the car.

(high voice) "I'm tired."
"I'm hungry." "I can't see."

"He's pushing." "I gotta pee."

Boy, my wife was annoying.

But it worked out well,

because I brought back
from the museum

some primitive tools
from primitive man.

Heidi, the artifacts, please.

'Course, y'all know
our new tool girl.

I want you all
to say howdy to Heidi.

(all) Howdy, Heidi!

Our old tool girl moved on
to bigger and better things.

Oh? Did she
accept that offer
from Bob Vila?

She went on to college.
We both know that, Al.

Here are your sticks, Tim.

Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.

They're not sticks.
These are artifacts.

They look like sticks
to me.
Hm? Well, little do you know.

I wouldn't pay 15 bucks
for some sticks, would I?

Yes, Tim, you would.

They say there's a sucker
born every minute.

Now we know what he does
on his vacation.

Boy, gosh darn it.
That's funny.

That's really funny.

Maybe when you're
on your permanent vacation,

you can build yourself
a log unemployment office.

The point is,
to John Q Primitive Man,
this was his source of fire.

They would try
to get a spark going,
rubbing like this,

to see if they could get
the kindling moving.

You should be careful,
because you could start
a fire.

Like I'm really gonna start
a fire with sticks like this.
You can't get a spark...

Tim...
Al... Al...

You're on fire.

Indeed I am, Al,
and, you know,
I've done this

to teach the kids
an important lesson -
don't play with sticks.

They can put your eye out
or ignite your forearm.

Al, could you help me out?

Hey! Oh! Ahh... Ooh.

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What do you think? Should we
put the kids in the middle?

Come on, baby, let's go.
Burn it in here.

Put it in the glove.
You can do it. Come on.

Boys! Hey!

Hey, boys, come on.
You don't wanna be late
for school.

Yes, we do.

If we're gonna be late,
we might as well not go at all.
Yeah.

Yeah, right.

You know, when I was a kid,

I could not wait
to get to school,

see my teachers,
hand in my homework,

take all those tests
I always got A's on.

Yeah, but I bet
you got beat up a lot.
Every day.

Now move it, guys.
Have a good time at school.

Bye, Mom!
Love you!

(oogah)

Right!
I got the horn working
for the hot rod, huh?

Really?

I thought a flock of geese
had exploded in there.

Speaking of a flock of geese,
your sister called.

What did she say
about the ultrasound?
What is she having?

A baby.

I know she's having a baby.
What kind of a baby?

I dunno. I hope it doesn't
look a lot like her.

OK, I'll call her.

I can't believe
you're so blas�
about this.

Having a baby is a big deal.

What's the big deal?

Cells get together and multiply.
Poof! You got a baby.

You women act as though
it's some sort of miracle.
It is a miracle.

No, no, no, no, no,
a miracle is what happened

to the 1980
US Olympic hockey team.

You women give birth,

thousands of fans
don't stand up and go,
"USA! USA! USA!"

Well, maybe women should start
giving birth in stadiums.

Well, maybe they should!
(laughs)

Good luck getting 50,000 guys
to see that.

Yeah. You know what name
I've always loved? Laura.

It's simple,
it's unpretentious.

Sloan? That's nice, too.

(imitates retching)

Tim just walked in.
He sends his love.

Yeah. If you need anything,
give me a call.

Bye.

It's a girl! It's a girl.

Carol is so happy.
She always wanted
to have a girl.

They stayed up all last night
and painted the nursery pink.

Flat or semigloss?

Gee, somehow
that didn't come up.

Aw.
(squeaking)

What's all that stuff?

Oh, it's some
of the boys' baby things.
I'm gonna send it to Carol.

I'm hoping there'll be something
that will work for a girl.

Ohhh.

Look at the little booties.
They're so teeny.

(sniffs)

They're Brad's.

Oh, and the little hat.
And the bib.

Are you gonna
send the wittle bib
to the wittle baby?

No, I'm keeping this around
for you.

Oh, my gosh.

Where'd that pink blanket
come from?

I made this
when I was pregnant with Mark.

Remember,
I was hoping for a girl?

I wanted a sweet little thing
I could cuddle on my lap,

with beautiful curly hair
and big bow in it.

You wanted to give birth
to a poodle.

It could happen.
Look at the father.

Maybe I should hold on to this.

Why would you wanna do that?

You never know.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Back the estrogen express up,
honey, huh?

I see... Wait a minute.

Your sister has a little girl,
now you want a little girl?

So?
So?

Carol gives birth
to an elephant,

does that mean
you give birth to an elephant?

Great, that's just what I want -
pass a pair of tusks.

Ouch.

(moaning and howling
on television)

I thought you guys
weren't supposed to watch
that Goosebump Theater.

Doesn't it give you nightmares?

Tool Time gives us nightmares,
and you make us watch that.

(chain saw buzzing,
man screaming)

Hey, he's going after those guys
with a Binford 5100 chain saw.

That's a chain saw and a half.
Good choice, ghoul.

Dad, aren't you a little old
to have a security blanket?

He got it when he stopped
sucking his thumb.

Maybe you'll recognize
some of the other stuff
in here.

Oh, look,
it's Brad's training pants.

You used 'em last weekend,
didn't you?

What's this?

Randy's brain.

I'm sending
your old baby stuff
to Aunt Carol.

Hey, wait a minute.
That blanket wasn't ours.

Your mom knitted this
when she was having Mark.

It's pink.

Mom must have known
Mark would be a girl.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Your mother was praying
for a girl

after she had
you two buttheads.

Whoa.

Mom really wanted Mark
to be a girl.

Yeah.

I think we can have
some fun with this.

Oh, uh... Mark!

Come on in here.

What do you want?

Buddy... have a seat.

(sighs)

(sighs)

Well, we just found out
some awful news from Dad,

and we wanted to tell you
before you heard it
from a stranger.

What?

Well, Dad told us
that when Mom had you,

she really wanted a girl.

You're lying.

He just showed us
the pink blanket
she made for you.

He did not.
You know how
she's always saying

she wants to bake with you.

And how she's always
taking you shopping.

She's pretending
you're her daughter.

Well, I just got off the phone
with Carol.

She's so excited.
The baby moved today.

Where to,
that all-baby condo downtown?

(horn honks)
Hey, boys, bus is here!

Ugh. Yuck!

How many scoops did you use
in this stuff?

12. I'm making
"Tim Taylor More Power" coffee.

Arr.

Hey, I'll race you
to Ann Arbor.

Hey, Brad!
Yeah?

Brad, don't forget you have
a dentist appointment today,

and don't try
to get detention
to get out of it again.

Ha. Like he has to try.

Hey. Mark,
we're gonna make a cake
when I get home from work.

I'm not helping you.

How come? You love
to make cakes.

I'm never baking again.

What's with him?

I don't know,

but I'm sure gonna miss
his brownies.

Tim.

Tim.

Tim!

What? I love it.
It looks good.

Your, uh...
The hair, perfect.

New outfit? Thinner?
Younger?

Thank you, but that's not it.

Remember what we were
talking about last night?

Oh, the baby. I won't
bring it up again, promise.
I'm bringing it up.

Come on, haven't you thought
about how nice it would be
to have a little girl?

No! We have all the kids
we can stand right now.

We never actually said
that we weren't gonna
have another baby.

I've said it.
I know I've talked about it.

I mentioned it on Tool Time.

Oh, great.
So 11 people know about it?

You remember babies at all?

Dirty diapers. Colic?

2am feedings. 3am feedings.
I don't have the energy
for that anymore.

You don't have the energy
to say, "Wake up, Jill,
the baby wants you"?

At this point in my life,
I don't have the energy to say,
"Wake up, Jill, I want you."

So you're
just shutting the door

on the whole idea
of having a baby?

I'm shutting the door.
That's your last word?

I've shut the door,
put a chest in front of it,

and there's a fat guy
sitting on it.
What?

And he's holding Al's mom
in his lap.

As sure as a bear
takes reading material
into the woods,

tools lose their edge.

That's why Al and I are doing
our Tool Time salute...

(grinding noise)

...to sharpeners.

Before we get to the meat
of the show, though,

something happened
at my house today
that got me thinking,

and I was wondering...
Tim?

Didn't you promise this year
that you would stick to tools

and not get into
your personal life?

A promise is a promise,
isn't it?

But does this mean anything
to you at all?

So, I was hoping...

How would you like it
if I talked about
my personal life?

When you get one,
we'll talk about it.

Right now, I'd like to talk
about women and babies.

What is the big deal?
Women and babies,
babies and women.

If women gave birth to cars,
that would be a big deal.

You'd have guys lined up
in delivery rooms

seeing that stuff, huh?
(man) Yeah.

Imagine your wife delivering
a 3,000-pound Ferrari. Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Slip it in gear,
kiss your wife,
drive the baby home.

Can we get on with the show?

Let's introduce
our guest star tonight -

the Binford XJB bench grinder.

Three-quarter horsepower
motor.

And it spins
at a manly 3400 RPM.

Arr-arr-arr.

(motor whining) Oh!

Now, you'll notice
Al's wearing safety goggles.

They not only protect his eyes,

but they give Al
that intellectual look.

If we can bring
the camera over here,
I'll show you what Al's doing.

He keeps the ax blade
against the wheel

at a 45� angle.

That helps retain
the original bevel.

And I don't know about you,
but I revel in Al's bevel.

There you are, Tim.
Sharp as new.

All right, there's ways
to see if they're sharp.

The first way...
(loud grinding noise)

Warn me
when you do that stuff, Al.

OK...

There we go. Sharp as new.

Gettin' a little rough
on that beard.

You want me
to trim it up for you?

I don't think so, Tim.

Come on, trust me, Al.

Based on what?

You know, I expected
that response out of you.

That's why
the guys at Binford and I
came up with a special project.

Heidi, how about
that special project?

This is test dummy Al.

Here you go, Tim.

Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.

Every last detail
is the same as Al,

except he's a bit
more animated.

Oh, that's beard's
a little rough.

You want me to shave it
for you? Sure.

All right, there you go. OK.

Of course I think I do
all the work around here.
Thanks for saying so.

I'm your idol?
Oh, come on, buddy... Ooh!

Uh-oh. Cut a little deep.

Oh, whoa!
Al, Al, buddy.

Can you do that, Al?

Mark, come on down
and have some cake with me.

I don't want any cake.

Don't tell me you've given up
eating cake, too?

It's angel food...

made with real angels.

Luckily they're in season.

I don't want any cake.

(typing)

Sweetie, why don't you
just tell me what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.
And don't call me "sweetie."

I always call you "sweetie."

That's because
you wanted me to be a girl.

Who told you that?
Brad and Randy.

Well, they're grounded
for a week.

Honey, you know better
than to listen to them.

They're always trying
to torment you.

You mean, you didn't want me
to be a girl?

Well... Well, maybe
a part of me did.

Oh.

But that doesn't mean
I wasn't thrilled to have you.

The minute I laid eyes on you,
I just fell in love.

All that matted hair,
little squished face,

wrinkled little body.

You looked just like
your father.

But you really wanted a girl.

Mark, do you remember
your fifth birthday?

Yeah. Brad and Randy made me
eat the candles on my cake.

So they're grounded
for another week.

Remember you wanted a dog,

and we thought
that you weren't old enough
to take care of one,

and so we got you a turtle.

Even though you wanted the dog,
you really loved that turtle,
didn't you?

Mm-hmm. Till he got squished
by the truck.

I'm sure he didn't feel
a thing.

Anyway, the point is,

you wouldn't have traded
that turtle for the world,

and I would not trade you
for the world.

You wouldn't?

No way.

I've had a dozen offers,
at least, just today.

Would you trade Brad or Randy?

Like that.

(Wilson mumbles)

Dobry dyen,
good neighbor.
Huh?

That's Russian
for "hi-de-ho."

I'm playing chess by mail
with a grand master in Moscow.

Got a minute?
Tim, I am your pawn.

Jill wants to have
another baby.

Well, Tim, I'm not sure
I can help you there.

That's not the area
I'm having trouble with.
Arr-arr-arr.

She... Her sister Carol
is having a little girl,

and I think
it's stirring stuff in Jill.

I think she'd like to have
a little girl.

Ah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm...
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And I get the feeling
that you're not happy
about the event.

I like the things
just the way they are.

The house, the kids, Jill.

I have 276 power tools.

So, what you're
telling me, Tim -

you feel your life is complete.

Yeah, in a manner
of speaking, sure.

Maybe Jill doesn't feel
the same way.

What's that supposed to mean?

I think what Jill is after...
is a legacy.

A Japanese car.

(laughs)
That's a good one, Tim.
That's a good one.

A legacy. Something
that's passed down,
like, generational?

Exactly, and that's what
you have with your sons.

You'll be able to pass on
your accumulated wisdom,

the things you've learned
about being a man.

We've already started that,
yeah.

Last weekend I taught 'em all
how to burp the alphabet.

Actually, I'm talking
about more than burping.

You see, Tim,
what your sons give you
is immortality,

and I think maybe
that's what Jill wants -

to see a part of herself
live on.

So that's why
she'd want a girl.

Thanks, Wilson.
You've been a help.

Do svidaniya, good neighbor.

Do-si-do to you, too.

Jill, there's something
I want to talk to you about.

Are you still talking
to me?
No.

I can respect that. So...

you just sit there and listen,
and I'll talk.

I think I know
why you want a daughter.

You want to be immortal,
like me.

You're immortal?

Long after I'm gone,
the boys will still be burping.

What?

But you don't have a Jill Jr.
to pass on girl stuff to.

Oh, girl stuff, huh?

Like cooking and cleaning
and doing laundry?

Don't forget darning socks.

That's a skill
I'd hate to see die out.

I'm kidding. What I'm saying
is if I can be immortal,

you should be able
to be immortal, too.

So, let's... let's...

let's talk
about having a daughter.

Are you serious?

Yeah. And then I could build her
a little Barbie Dream House.

And I'd remodel
the whole downstairs,

put in a rec room,
a little weight room for Ken,

a little back door for GI Joe.

Thank you, sweetie.

But you know what?
I really don't want
to have a baby right now.

I didn't mean this minute.
No! I've been thinking
about it.

The truth is that
I don't really have time
in my life for it right now.

You know? I got the job,
three kids...

Well, four, including you.
Wait, wait. Excuse me.

What did you get so out of joint
this morning for?
I was mad.

You made up your mind
we weren't gonna have
any kids,

and you didn't care
what I felt about it.

You came
out of nowhere with this.
Having a baby's a big deal.

It's up there with putting in
a new sprinkler system -

which we should talk about.
Tim...

Let me get this straight.
You don't want to have
a new kid?

I don't want you to rule out
the possibility.

Well... how do you feel
about a sprinkler system?

Look, I just want to know
that we can still talk
about this.

Why didn't you
just say it like that?

You wouldn't let me.

You shut the door
and put a big fat guy
in front of it.

Holding Al's mom.

So, I should just leave
the door open?

I just want you to listen.

What would happen
if we had another boy?

The last thing in the world
this house needs
is more testosterone.

It's practically dripping
down the walls as it is.

(growls) Yeah.

There's hair growing
on that wall right there.

(groans)

Oh, shut the blinds,

let the whole neighborhood
know there's something
going on in here.

Come here, Mr. Immortal.

(grunts)

Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh.

Did you brush your teeth?

Tim, I just brushed 'em.
Could you brush 'em again,
please?

And get that stinky stuff
way in the back.

Well, you've pretty much
killed the mood.

Wait till you walk in there.

Come on.
I'm waiting, honey.

Well, I brushed, I flossed.

I hope that I don't offend you
this time.

So, Al,
what are you doing here?

It's not Tuesday.

No, no, no,
a miracle is what happened

to the 1980 US Olynkic...
Olympic Hinkuskus.

It's not gonna happen.
It's not gonna happen.

Yes, it is.
All right.

No, no, no, a miracle
is what happened

to the 1980
US Olympic Hoffey...

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