All language subtitles for Home.Improvement Season 3 E3

Hi there. Today in
the Tool Time corral,

we're talking about
a different kind of power.

(spits) (ping)

Sawhorse power,
'cause a man is judged
by his pair of ponies.

That's right, partner.

And the sturdiest sawhorses
are made of pine or fir.

A good rule of thumb
is it should be sturdy enough

to support Al's mom
after a big buffet.

You know, Tim, my shop tastes
normally run old-fashioned,

but when it comes
to the sawhorse,

I've decided
to let my hair down
and switch to metal.

Now I'm a guy of the '90s.

Would that be 1890s, Al?

This sawhorse
is half the weight

and can easily be moved
around the job site.

(whistles)
That was an incredible
demonstration, Al.

But if you want a sawhorse
that'll get you around
the job site,

I got the stallion for you.

Tim.
Al.

Tim, where...
where are y...

Well, while we're waiting
for Tim, I, uh...

I would...
well, I'd like to regale you

with an anecdote
about my first sawhorse.

Her name was Lilly.

(♪ "The Lone Ranger" theme)

(engine revs in time)

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Your sawhorse
has an engine?
Right.

It'll do 160 on the interstate.

Listen to this thing idle.
Take it out of gear.

Huh?
Out of gear.

Aah! Ohh!

(birds twittering)

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What do you think? Should we
put the kids in the middle?

Dad, can we use
the intercom yet?

Not yet.

We ran the speaker wires
to the amplifier,

down to the transformer,

which we goosed up
to give it what?

More power!

Yeah.

Dad, is the transformer

the thing that you set on fire?

You call that a fire?

No, when I fixed
the water heater,
that was a fire.

Right.

All right, I should be able
to get your mom now.

Hey, Jill, can you hear me?

Jill can you hear me?

Of course I can hear you.
I'm right behind you.

Thought you were in the garage.

We're testing out
the new intercom.
Today is the day.

That you come to your senses
and realize we don't need
an intercom?

The day I come to my senses
is a long way off.

Mark, come on.

I'm gonna go buy you
some clothes.

I wanna stay here
until the intercom
starts working.

Believe me, we'll be back
way before that happens.

Hey, Dad.
Hey, Randy.

Hey, Jeremy.
How you doin'?

Can't complain.
All right.

(intercom whistles and hums)

What's that, The Emergency
Broadcast System?

Yeah. We're at war
with the English.

Apparently they want
their muffins back.

(British accent) Line 'em up.
Give us our muffins.

Shine 'em up.
Put butter on 'em. I want...

All right, boys...
Dad, could we?

(normal voice) Oh.

Come on,
we better get upstairs.

This thing could blow
at any minute.

Wait a minute.
How can you blow up
an intercom?

You don't know my dad.

He blew up a dishwasher,
a blender and seven toasters.

Two blenders, five toasters.

He's had so many accidents,

the hospital gave him
a preferred customer card.

Two more head injuries,
we get a free trip to Hawaii!

(intercom whistling
and humming)

(Jeremy)
Boy, your dad's funny.
I wish my dad was like that.

(Randy) No, you don't.
My dad's a total goofball.

Ever see "Tool Time"?

I thought all those screwups
were just an act.
Are you kidding?

They're thinking of changing
the name of the show
to "Fool Time."

(both laugh)

(intercom whistles and hums)

Hi, Mom.

Hi. Where have you been?
At the library.

Why, did they install
video games there?

No. I went
to check out a book.

You checked out a book?

David Copperfield?
Since when have you been
into Charles Dickens?

Mom, I love Charles Dickens.

"No author has
more brilliantly captured
the poignancy of youth."

Give me a break.

Why did you check out
that book?

All right.
Jennifer's starting to like
this new guy named Lance.

They talk about reading
all the time,

and this is Jennifer's
favorite book.

So you said
it was your favorite, too?

Well, yeah.
Now I can talk to her
about it.

You must be really worried
about Jennifer,

'cause David Copperfield
is a long book.

How bad can it be?

On his last TV special,

he made
the Statue of Liberty
disappear.

Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no.
Honey, no. No.

This is not David Copperfield
the magician.

This is David Copperfield
the tortured waif.

You know, 64 chapters' worth.

Oh, man.
"Oh, man" is right.

(intercom whistling
and humming)

Tim!

Tim!

What?
Oh!

The airplanes flying around
are causing all the static
on this thing.

Why don't you
just call the airport

and tell 'em that they're
interfering with your intercom?

(high-pitched whine)

Stupid thing.
Stupid intercom!

Is something
bothering you?
No.

So slugging the intercom

is just part
of the installation process?

Does Randy seem different
to you lately?

What do you mean?

He was making fun of me
in front of Jeremy.

What kind of guy makes jokes
at other people's expense?

I don't know.
Maybe we should ask Al.

We work together.
We have a give-and-take
relationship.

I give it, he takes it.
That's different.

Randy jokes about you,
you joke about Randy.
That's just your relationship.

This is behind my back.

What were you doing,
eavesdropping on him?

No. The intercom
in his room was on.
I just heard him talking.

You mean
it was actually working?

For a second or so, yeah.

He was talking
about how I screw up
all the time at work.

Well...

Honey, it's not exactly
a state secret.

He said they should change
the name of the show

from Tool Time to Fool Time?

If this is really
bothering you this much,

I think you should
talk to him about it.

I don't wanna talk to him.
You can't let stuff
like this fester.

Sure I can. Guys always
let stuff fester.

Remember The Addams Family?

Uncle Fester, not Aunt Fester.

Whoa.
Excellent point, Tim.

I'll call him down here.

Hey, Randy, come down here.
I want to talk to you
for a minute.

(high-pitched whine)

(man) Flight 211,

you're clear for takeoff
on runway seven.

Man, I finally got through
the introduction.

Man, by the time
you finish that book,

Jennifer's gonna be
a grandmother.

Yeah, but if I wanna keep her,
I have to get through it.

Why? You never read anything
for a girl before.

Yeah, but this is junior high.

You have to work a lot harder
to impress the girls.

So sticking straws up your nose
doesn't work anymore?

Oh, no. That's still big.

Hey, guys.
Hi, Dad.

Would you mind going
downstairs for a minute
so I can talk to Randy?

Come on, Dad.
I'm trying to read.
You can read it later.

"David Copperfield"?
That guy's great.

He made
the Statue of Liberty disappear.

Wrong guy, Dad.
This is about the tragic waif.

Oh, yeah, the tragic waif.

Can we talk for a minute?

If you wanted to talk to me,

why didn't you just call me
on the intercom?

Or is that still picking up
ambulance calls?

You really bust my chops
sometimes, you know?

Well, Dad, you make it so easy.

But you could go over the line,

like that little conversation
with Jeremy.

We were just kidding around.

You think calling me names
is kidding around?

I didn't call you names.

I heard you call me a goofball.

What, were you standing
outside my door?

No, I heard it
through the intercom.

Oh, so is that why
you put it in...
No.

...so you could spy on me?

You ever hear
of a thing called privacy?

Have you ever heard of a thing
called respect for your father?

What about respect for me?
You were eavesdropping.
It was an accident, kid.

The point is,
you called my work Fool Time.
So?

So? Tool Time
puts clothes on your back
and food in your stomach.

Look at me
when I'm talking to you.

I heard what you said.
And?

If you didn't grunt like an ape
and break things all the time,

maybe your show
wouldn't be such a joke.

Hey, wait a minute.
My show's a joke?

So that means
I'm a joke to you?

I got a joke for you.
I got a good joke for you.

Here's the punch line -
a week.

What's the question?
(imitates buzzer) Too late.

The question is,
"How long are you gonna
be grounded for?"

That's a joke.
You're not laughing.
Maybe you heard that one before.

Hey, Mark, can you hear me?

Mark, can you hear me?!
What?

Can you hear me
on the intercom?

Dad, I can't hear you!
What?

Dad, I can't read
with all this yelling!

Would you quiet down?

Boy, how did we ever get along
without this intercom?

That's why I installed it,
so we wouldn't have
all this yelling.

Hey, Mark, tell you what.
Turn up the volume real loud!

What?!
Ahh!

How's David Copperfield
coming?
Pretty slow.

Well, stick with it.
It's a classic.

What ever happens
to Aunt Betsey?

Aunt Betsey? Well...

Come on, honey.
What did happen
to Aunt Betsey?

You read the book,
didn't you?
Of course I read it.

I just don't want to
spoil the ending for him.

(horn honks)

Honey, get your bag.
See you, Dad.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
Get a coat on.

Here, Randy.
Bye, Mom.

(whispers) Say something
to your father.

Oh, yeah.
Dad, by the way,

I'm still getting
the all-Spanish station
through my intercom.

That's real funny.
Don't quit your day job.

Bye, sweetie.

Well, that was real adult.

(kid's voice)
Well, he started it.

Honey, you know
what kids are like this age.

They say a lot
of really mean things.

Brad never called me a joke.

No, he just broke windows
and got brought home
by the police,

you remember that?

Why can't Randy
be more like that?

I was just like Randy
when I was his age.

You wouldn't believe
the things I used to say
to my mother.

Worse things
than I've said to her?

Way worse. I remember
there was this one time,
she called me a nickname...

She always called me
this nickname,

but this time she said it
when I was 14.

We'd just moved to a new place,
and she said it in front of
all my new friends.

I was so mad at her.

You wouldn't believe
the things that I called her.

Forget what you called her.
What was the nickname?

Oh, yeah, like I'm
really gonna tell you.

Come on, what was the nickname?

You have to swear
that you won't breathe
a word of it to anybody.

Cross my heart, hope to die,
hope a wrench hits me
right in the eye.

Jilly-Dilly.

(laughs)

Jilly-Dilly.

I don't want to hear this name
in this house ever again,
all right?

I might have to say it
on Tool Time.
Don't you dare.

So, did you get
what I was trying
to tell you about Randy?

I suppose.

It really hurts
that he thinks
that I'm a joke.

I try to be a real good father
to these boys.

You're a great father.
And I'm a cool father.

Very cool.

I can burp
with the best of 'em.
Yes, you can.

I can turn my eyelids inside out
and do that.

Like nobody else.

I can flick ear wax
20 feet across a room.

That's why I married you.

(Heidi) Does everybody know
what time it is?
Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools
is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
Whoo!

Thank you, Heidi,
and welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and you all know my assistant,
Al... Borland.

What's the matter, Tim?

You run out of
stupid middle names?
Is it my birthday?

I don't always
have to joke around.
This isn't Fool Time.

Today we begin
the backyard fort.

Oh, boy, the kids'll love it.

We're gonna
set our posts into the dirt,
so we need post-hole digging,

which is kind of tricky,
so... What the heck.

Let's not use
the motorized one today.

I'll show you all how to use
the manual post-hole digger.
It's simpler to use.

You're suggesting
the manual one?
I figured it'd be easier.

You've never suggested
the manual anything.

I thought maybe...
Do you even know
what "manual" means?

Does everything
have to be a joke around here?

The important thing to remember
when building anything for kids
is safety.

You want to pad
the whole base area
with woodchips.

Every year, over a quarter
of a million kids are hurt
in playground accidents.

Keep that in mind.

Course, your original plans
called for a homemade cannon.

Well, maybe I went
a little over the top.

That's not my style today.

I find that a little
hard to believe, Tim.

What's the catch?
There is no catch.

I added
a little something fun
for the kids -

a little signal button,
almost like a doorbell
for the fort.

Press that
and listen to it.
OK, I know. Ha-ha.

That wasn't in the plans,
either.

What, your little bell
will send 5,000 volts

coursing through my body?

While he stands back and yells,
"Remember the Al-amo!"

I just want you
to press the bell.
I know...

It's just a setup, isn't it?
It's one big setup.
It is not a setup!

Soon you'll start in
with the uncalled-for slams
against my mother...

How she always shops
in the husky section.

How she wiped out
the all-you-can-eat salad bar.

I simply came out here
to put this thing together.

Go ahead. Just say it.
My mother is a big fat cow!

Goodness gracious, Al.

We'll be right back
after these messages
from Binford Tools.

Hi-ho, neighbor.

Look what I just found
here in my yard.

Holy moly, Wilson.
It's a rock!

Oh, no, Tim.
It's not just a rock.

This is laminated
dolomitic micrite.

This was here
even when the dinosaurs
roamed the earth.

Imagine if this
400-million-year-old rock
could talk.

Hey, brontosaurus!
Why don't you aim
that someplace else?

(laughs)

Always the jokester, Tim.

Not today. I was real serious
on Tool Time today.

I'm surprised by that,
knowing your propensity
for jocularity.

I did it
to make a point with Randy.

He said I act like an idiot
on the show.

Ooh, ouch. That hurts.

Well, this may be
small consolation, Tim,

but parents are the bone

on which children
sharpen their teeth.

You're right.
That's no help at all.

What I'm saying is,
when a boy is young,
he worships his father.

In order for the boy
to become a man,

he's got to start
seeing his father
as a fallible human being,

stop seeing him as a god.

It was easier
when he thought of me as a god.

Well, you've still got
some time left with Mark.

Yeah, I know,
but I sure would miss
this stuff with Randy.

Our relationship
is real special.
He's a lot like me.

We make jokes about each other,
but we laugh about it.

I'm sure you're gonna
miss that, Tim,

but for the next four,
five years

he's gonna seem like
a different person.

I wasn't like that with my dad.
I worshipped him.

How old were you again
when he died?

11.

How old is Randy now?
12, going on...

(grunts) Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I didn't have a chance
to be rude to my dad,

'cause he died
before I got the chance.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Boy, having kids is tough,
you know?

Why do you think I have rocks?

Hi, Brad.
Hi, Mom.

What are you doing?
You taking a break from
David Copperfield?

I stopped reading it.

I decided
if a girl's gonna like me,

she's gonna like me
for who I am.

She dumped you, huh?

Yep.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Are you OK?

I mean, I know how much
you like Jennifer.

Yeah, but she's really changed.

Now she's into reading
and classical music.

When I first met her,

she was into cool stuff
like clothes and hair.

Well... gee.

I guess this means that...

I'm not gonna get to see her
anymore, huh?

It's OK, Mom.
There'll be other girls.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

It's just that, you know...
I... I really liked her,

and I didn't get to
say goodbye.

It feels kind of unresolved.

Do you want me
to have her come over
and she can dump you?

Where's Randy?
I think he's
up in his room.

I gotta talk to him.
I just found out I'm not God.

Oh, Tim, I'm so sorry.

(mumbles)

Hey, Randy, got a minute?

According to you,
I've got a week.

The other day,
you said some things
that were really out of line,

but I've decided
that to ground you
is probably not the answer.

Great. Catch you later.
Hold on a second.

I know what's going on here.

You're at the point
in your life

where you have to
clean your teeth
on my bones.

What?

For the next couple years,
you're not gonna be yourself.

Who am I gonna be?

A little wise guy
that smarts off to people

that a lot of people
will think is a big jerk.

Chip off the old block, eh?

It's started already.
What?

Adolescence -
the age of obnoxiousness.

Every kid goes
through this stuff,

and I'm just
gonna wait for you
on the other side.

So you're saying it's OK
for me to make fun of you?

No, I didn't say that.
I said I understand it.

It's just your way
of rebelling against me,
I think.

Well, did you rebel
against your father?

Uh... he died
before I could be a real jerk.

He'd be proud
if he could see you now.

Hey-hey...

That's another good example
of high obnoxious art.

Uh, but the issue is here,

I don't want you making jokes
about my job.

Deal.

Or me getting hurt
and screwing things up.

Anything
that makes me look bad.

What's left to joke about?

Mom.

All right. Hey, Dad...

I'm sorry that you never got
a chance to be obnoxious
with your father.

Me too.

You know,

there was this one time
when I was nine,

I really got him
steamed up, though.

He finally let me play
with his butane torch.

Well, what happened?

I got to ride
in a fire truck...

...and we got a new garage.

(horn honks/ siren wails)

Hey, guys.

Nice shot.
Nice dunk.

You wanna hear
something real funny
about your mother?

She's not really married
to you?

How long do you want
to stay up in your room?

Hey, don't blame me.
It was adolescence.

All right, listen,
what do you think
Nana called her

when she was little?

Jill?

A name that might annoy her.

Tim.

Back off, all right?
What did she call her?

When she was real little,
Nana used to call her...

(Jill) Don't even
think about it, Tim.

It works!

Of course it works.
I know what I'm doing.

Al's down here.
He fixed it.

(Al) Hi, Tim.
How you doin'?

Pretty good, Al.
Thanks.

So, what did Nana call Mom?

I couldn't compromise
her trust in me.

(Jill) I heard
that Magic Marker.

Some unit, isn't it?

Thank you, everybody,
and thank you, Heidi.

Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tool... Tim.. What the...

You all know my assistant
Al Borland.

What's the matter, Tim?
No stupid middle name?

Did you r...
Is it my birthday?

We don't always have...
(cackles)

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