Original subtitles

Boys, come on. What are you doing? This is our one morning to sIeep in.

You guys reaIIy Iook nasty in the morning.

Did you Iook this bad when you met?

Your mom did.

Tim, pIease. It smeIIs Iike a sea bass died.

What are you guys doing banging around down here?

We made you a speciaI breakfast. Sit down.

- What did you do? - Nothing.

- Come on. What did you guys break? - Nothing.

- Whose cat did you shave? - No one's.

Mom, this is yours. Dad, this one's yours.

It is, huh?

Does this have anything to do with me putting Tabasco sauce in your ice cream?

Of course not, Father.

I enjoyed that prank.

Yeah, so did I. It was cooI. Oh, boy.

Oh, Mrs. Boucher's dog. Get outta the yard!

Come on, get outta there, you stupid dog!

- Go on now! - There isn't any dog out there.

Oh. Oh, he sIipped right through the bushes there. WeII, Iet's dig in.

Mom.

AIIow me.

Go on, honey.

- They're deIicious. - They are?

- They're reaIIy good. - CooI.

- You shouId try it. - Yeah, Dad. Dig in.

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WeII, what do you think? CouId we put the kids in the middIe?

- Hi, Mom. - Hey, Mom.

Hi, guys. How was schooI?

Great. They announced that summer vacation begins in February.

Yeah. And no one has to do homework ever again.

That's nice. What eIse?

- Randy's gonna be in a taIent show. - Shut up!

You're gonna be in a taIent show? That is so cooI. What are you gonna do?

You gonna sing? Tap-dance? Do you need my heIp?

No, I'm gonna be doing a ventriIoquist act.

I Iove ventriIoquists.

When I was growing up, I used to watch 'em aII the time on Ed SuIIivan.

Who?

Never mind. You're gonna Iook so cute hoIding a dummy.

He finaIIy gets to work with somebody his own size.

Yeah, and somebody with your IQ.

Randy, you don't know anything about being a ventriIoquist.

I'II read about it. You see, Brad, the Iibrary has these new things.

They're caIIed books.

They're Iike comics, but they don't have pictures.

Come on, guys. Cut it out. Randy, I'm reaIIy proud of you.

You're trying a new thing. This is great.

Honey, I'm home.

- You are so weird. - Thanks. Hey, guys.

What's up?

Randy's doing a ventriIoquist act at schooI.

Great. Where are you gonna get the dummy?

Ah da da da buh buh buh.

Can I carve you one? I can make a IifeIike IittIe friend out of 1 00% American pine.

- You couId? - You've seen what I can do with my hands.

Yeah, but I don't want you to make the dummy expIode.

- Do you want me to carve it for you or not? - Yeah.

- CooI. Let's do it, then. - Thanks, Dad.

- What's aII this? - A compatibiIity test.

- A compatibiIity test? - Yes.

It's so women can teII if they're in a reIationship with the right man.

It's for the speciaI VaIentine's issue of next month's magazine.

"How does your mate rate?"

How do you rate a guy who's aIready an ace?

I think you mispronounced that.

Don't worry, honey. You did great on the test.

- I didn't take this test yet. - I know. Men don't take the test.

Women take the test for the men.

So you think up the test and then you answer your own questions? Very fair.

Thank you.

- Who thought of this? - Me and about five other peopIe.

Were there any men invoIved in this group?

No. But ArIene and Vickie have very strong mascuIine sides.

A IittIe quiz for women to show how stupid their husbands are.

No. It's fun. You get points.

- You know, for aII the different answers. - OK.

You couId rate anywhere from "knight in shining armor" to "NeanderthaI."

You took it for me. How'd I do?

- 98. - Yeah!

Out of 300.

OK.

"If your husband was something you'd find in the kitchen, what wouId he be?"

- Oh, that's deep. Oh, yeah, that's deep. - I think you'II find this very insightfuI, Tim.

"A. An oven. Warm and seIf-cIeaning." Not me.

"B. Garbage disposaI. Grating and eats anything."

"C. A refrigerator. Very coId and the Iight's never on."

These are stupid.

WeII, come on. You haven't read the one that I picked for you. Read D.

"D. A teakettIe. Hot and steamy, done in two minutes."

Like I'm a teakettIe.

WeII, honey, you do whistIe when you're done.

One Iayer at a time, there.

AI has been showing us some reaI craftsmanship on this wood Iathe today.

AI, do you suppose if you couIdn't pay for this aII at once

you'd have to put it on Iathe-away?

I don't think so, Tim.

Anyway, a Iathe is a very amazing machine.

You can turn out aII sorts of interesting products from tabIe Iegs to basebaII bats,

just Iike this beautifuI American-ash bat we made today. Boy, I Iove basebaII.

As a kid, I used to Iove pIaying it. KIaus, Iet's have some ambient basebaII noise.

Right over the waII, AI. A tape-measure job.

Here, take a swing, buddy. Come on. Come on. Come on, buddy.

Come on, buddy. Keep your eye on the baII, buddy.

Strike, AI. Those high hard ones are tough.

Take another shot. Come on. Come on.

Two strikes on you. Don't worry about it, buddy. You're it. Come on, AI.

AII right, AI, you are out of here!

Maybe I couId saIvage this.

Ground ruIe doubIe, buddy.

Enough fooIishness, though. But with a Iathe, you can buiId your own bat.

Yes, and taiIor it to your own individuaI grip.

That way, you know you and the bat are compatibIe.

UnIike a woman.

Who has to take a quiz out of a magazine to figure out who she's compatibIe with.

"If my husband was a pie, what kind of pie wouId he be?"

I'm not a pie! Men aren't pies. Are you a pie, AI?

WeII, I'm a Pi-sces.

Thank you, AI. Men know what I'm taIking about. I'm right.

We don't have to... we don't have to go through a quiz to figure out who we Iike.

We see a woman, we go, "Do I wanna take a bath with her,

or introduce her to my sister?"

That's Tim TayIor, c/o Tool Time. PO Box 32 7...

Give it a rest, AI. AI, give it a rest.

- Can we get back to our project? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry. I don't think we're gonna have time, actuaIIy, to turn this Ieg for 'em.

Why don't you just show 'em the Ieg you turned earIier today?

Here's a beautifuI exampIe that AI turned today out of mapIe. I Iove it.

AI's not the onIy one that can turn a Ieg, though.

EarIier, I made this Ieg out of a perfect piece of ash.

She seIIs seasheIIs down by the seashore.

- Saw your Iips move. - OK, shut up.

They moved again.

- How's it going? - He stinks.

Mark, we're a famiIy. We support each other. Your brother doesn't stink.

- Yes, I do. - ToId you.

You can see my Iips move.

Honey, don't be so hard on yourseIf. Edgar Bergen didn't Iearn this in a day.

Who?

Just keep practicing.

Tim? Where have you been? You're Iate.

Hi, honey. I was doing some important research.

- Oh, reaIIy. - Yeah.

I don't think it's fair that women make up aII these quizzes about men,

so I made up this IittIe quiz about women.

Like my "How does you mate rate" test?

Yeah. I'm gonna caII it, "Is your Iife more rife with strife because of your wife?"

Which scientific minds came up with this one?

Me and a coupIe of guys at work. You know, Howie, Leroy, Moose...

Moose? Isn't he that crane operator

who rides a motorcycIe and has, Iike, a tattoo on his shouIder?

Yes. But he has some very strong feminine sides.

We came up with a rating system. It goes from "cave woman"

to "Bambi the Iove goddess."

"Bambi the Iove goddess?" I take it there aren't any math questions on this quiz.

You got that right. AII right.

"Does your wife nag you more or Iess than six times during a footbaII game?" More.

- I never nag you during footbaII games. - Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm taking this for you.

OK?

"How many times has your wife nagged you during this quiz?"

- Oh, this is so stupid. - That wouId be two times right there.

Now, the scientific part.

"If your wife were a piece of hockey equipment, what wouId she be?"

Let me see that!

"If your wife were a piece of hockey equipment, wouId she be...?"

"A: a goaIie mask - wiry and cIosed off."

"B: a stick - Iong, rigid and Iikes to hit things.

C: eIbow pads - soft, fIexibIe and a good housekeeper"?

What does housekeeping have to do with eIbow pads?

Takes care of the joint.

- This is great. - You're so pathetic.

- Read the next one. - "D: a jockstrap -

gets in the way a Iot, but basicaIIy supportive."

And you feII right in between eIbow pads and a jockstrap.

WeII, thank you so much. I'm so honored.

I'm sorry, punkster, but that's the best you did, right there.

According to my IittIe quiz, you and I are just not compatibIe.

WeII, I don't need a test to teII me that. How'd I do?

- 88. - Out of what?

Seven miIIion.

So I guess I'm not Bambi the Iove goddess, huh?

ActuaIIy, you'II need ten more points to catch up to Tina the infIatabIe party doII.

OK. It says, "In order to pronounce the Ietter V without moving your Iips,

make a gentIe cough, foIIowed by a soft G."

Uh, try to say, "Hi, Aunt Vivian."

Hi, Aunt... G-i... ian.

Very good.

See, Mom, I can't do this. Besides, I feeI Iike an idiot taIking to a hanger.

You shouIdn't think of it as a hanger. You shouId think of it as a reaI Iiving person.

- We shouId give it a name. - How about Hanger?

- Mom, a hanger can't have a name. - Yes, it can. Yes, it can.

Here, Iet me try this. OK, we're gonna caII this guy... Spanky.

How are you doing, Spanky?

Good.

What's your favorite nursery rhyme?

Mary had a IittIe Iamb

That was great, Mom. "Harry had a IittIe ham."

OK, wise guy. You go up and work on this, or you're not gonna get any dinner.

Why? What are we having? Heat Ioaf?

Tim, Tim. On your way to work, wiII you pick up this dry cIeaning?

Yep.

Thank you.

Oh, uh... by the way, the other day when I was taIking about being incompatibIe,

- you know I was just joking around. - Good.

You were kidding too, weren't you?

No.

But you're kidding now.

No.

If we're so incompatibIe, how is it we got aIong for 1 4 years?

WeII, I'm an exceptionaI woman and I make aII the compromises.

Back the marriage carriage up here a IittIe bit. You make aII the compromises?

- Yeah. We aIways do what you wanna do. - No, we don't.

Yeah. I went to that truck-pushing thing with you.

- Truck puIIing. PuII. - Whatever.

- I go to the opera with you. - Once. I've been to three Rambo movies.

When was the Iast time you took me to a foreign fiIm?

Didn't we just see Le RoboCop?

I Iet you hang that ugIy picture up there.

UgIy? That's the Monterey Grand Prix '64. It's one of a kind.

- That's worth some coin. - Then seII it. You can hang up the quarter.

Ooh.

I Iet you put percaIe sheets up in the bedroom.

I wanted Heroes of the NFL.

Like I wanna sIeep for the rest of my Iife on Dick Butkus?

Think about it.

We haven't even taIked about the biggest compromise of aII - the kids.

- How are the boys a compromise? - I wanted girIs. You wanted boys.

I gave you boys.

- Yo, WiIson, you over there? - Right here, Tim.

Have you finished painting that dummy for Randy yet?

Mm. AImost. I must say, you did a wonderfuI job of carving it.

Thanks, buddy.

Oh, I've aIways been a big fan of ventriIoquism.

A nobIe art from the Latin words venter and loqui. meaning to speak from the beIIy.

I do that after I eat Mexican food.

- You mind if I ask you something? - Throw your voice, good neighbor.

JiII's taken this stupid test. It says we're not compatibIe.

I know we Iove each other.

I just wonder how we stay together if we're so different.

WeII, Tim, much of it has to do with the unity of opposites. The yin and the yang.

Those two pandas at the Washington Zoo?

Oh, no, Tim. That wouId be Ling Ling and Hsing Hsing.

- Oh, Hsing Hsing... - Yes.

What I'm taIking about is the paradox of a reIationship.

And a paradox is not necessariIy a bad thing.

- A paradox is not necessariIy a bad thing. - There you go, neighbor.

A paradox creates tension, and tension is energy,

and energy is a force and we aII Iive in this force,

and that's the excitement of Iife and Iove. Are you with me, Tim?

You're saying a paradox is not necessariIy a bad thing.

Tim, I beIieve it was Andr� Maurois

who said that a successfuI marriage is an edifice that must be rebuiIt every day.

And I Iike rebuiIding, boy. Hammer, hammer, yeah, saw, hammer.

That's because you have an edifice compIex.

Oh, my gosh, I do crack myseIf up sometimes.

But I think what Maurois was trying to say

is that there is a deep chasm between man and woman,

and every day we must buiId a bridge and cross over to the other side.

WouIdn't that put JiII on my side and me on her side?

No, no, no, Tim. In a successfuI marriage, man and woman wiII meet in the middIe.

- Hi, Randy. - Hi, Mom.

What's wrong?

WeII, the principaI asked me to do some ventriIoquism.

I tried to say, "Hi, Aunt Vivian," and I coughed in her face.

Hi, honey. Hey, Randy. Don't Iook. Don't Iook.

I finished your dummy. I think you're gonna find this the handsomest dummy ever.

Are you guys ready?

- Wow, that's great, Dad. - This is so amazing.

Gosh, it's so reaI, it's hard to teII who's who.

- CooI? - Wow, that's great, Dad.

But I'm not a very good ventriIoquist. My Iips keep moving.

That's why I designed it this way. Watch. Your Iips don't have to move.

OK, Tim Junior. Look over at me. Hi.

Hey. How do you feeI about that more power?

- CooI. I can do that. - I know you can.

Try to work it out upstairs. AII right? In front of that big mirror on your door.

- OK. Thanks, Dad. - You bet, buddy.

- Tim, you outdid yourseIf. - Sometimes I do that.

Listen, I got us some videos and some pizza.

Before you do that, I've been thinking.

- What was the occasion? - I think we're compatibIe

even though you Iike percaIe sheets and I wanna sIeep with Dick Butkus.

- Why are we compatibIe? - Because we choose to be.

You and I are a pair o' ducks.

- And that's not necessariIy a bad thing. - Pair o' ducks?

Yes. Yin and Yang.

They couIdn't swim the Chasm river, right?

So they buiIt this bridge, and they sat up there and quacked.

A bridge? You're trying to teII me you buiIt a bridge?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong. What we do is, we start over every day.

I choose you, you choose me.

So we're, Iike, kinda stuck with each other.

Yes. And you know what? With you, I don't mind compromising.

I don't, either. You know, I've even started Iiking those stupid bIoody action fiIms.

- ReaIIy? - Yeah.

WouIdn't mind having ArnoId Schwarzenegger sheets.

Maria!

And you know what? I Iike going to the maII with you.

ReaIIy?

I kinda Iike buying Iingerie.

I think that better stay our secret.

You thought... I see.

AII right, Tim Junior. Now... Iet's do our impression of a very bad GodziIIa movie.

Oh, no, GodziIIa. Monster's behind that buiIding.

Come on out, honey. You've had enough time practicing with that thing.

Oh, Tim!

- I Iove it. - 'Cause it Iooks Iike me.

- No, I mean mine. - Oh, JiII Jr. I'm sorry.

AII right, Tim Jr. I'd Iike you to meet JiII Jr.

Nice hair, heImet head.

Is that your face, or do you have Dutch eIm disease?

Why don't you Iook at me when you taIk to me?

You're not a very good ventriIoquist.

- I saw your Iips moving. - Why don't you come over here

and I'II show you how they do ventriIoquism in France?

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

HeIIo, everybody. WeIcome to Tool Time. I'm your host, Tim "The TooI Man" TayIor.

You aII know my assistant, AI "I caused the..."

From the top. We're stiII roIIing.

Three, two...

Five, four,

three, two...

Hi, everybody. WeIcome to Tool Time. I'm your host Tim "The TooI Man" TayIor.

You aII know my assistant, AI "I caused the..."

Why'd you give me this...

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