Original subtitles

- Quit nagging me about my driving. - I do not nag. You drive Iike a maniac.

You do too nag. And it's not "maniac," it's pronounced "man-iac."

You were going 35 miIes an hour.

Since when is 35 going fast?

Over speed bumps.

Let me ask you a question. Did your head hit the roof?

- No. - Then I couId have gone faster.

Mark, wouId you pIease go and get aII that stuff

that fIew aII over the back of the station wagon?

OK, Mom.

Yeah. WeII, that's the Iast time you drive. I swear, when we went over that bump,

I heard something crack.

That was just the sound of the car enjoying itseIf.

No, that was the sound of you enjoying racing that guy to the parking-Iot exit.

You aIways turn driving into a competition.

- I do not. - Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

Remember the other day, that 17-year-oId puIIed up in that Camaro,

and you got that stupid Iook on your face?

Which stupid Iook?

One of your stupider ones. You know, that one where you curI your Iip up Iike this

and you got, Iike, that cocky head-roII thing.

That's my EIvis. You can't beat the king, man. You can't beat the king.

WeII, my IittIe hound dog, you drive your car the way you want.

Don't ruin my beautifuI station wagon.

- "My station wagon"? - Yes.

That's where we're different. I think of everything around this house as ours.

- WeII, what about the tooIs? - They're ours.

I just don't want you touching them.

Dad, there's a big bIack puddIe under Mom's car.

- Oh, no. - That doesn't mean it's a bad thing.

We couId have struck oiI. It's a gusher. We're rich! Let's take a Iook.

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WeII, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middIe?

Hey, Mom.

Hi. I'II get it.

- Hi, Mrs. TayIor. - Hi, Jennifer. Come on in.

Brad! Jennifer's here.

This is my goIdfish, Howard.

Oh, so this is the Howard Brad is gonna baby-sit.

Hi, Howard. Did you bring a Ieash?

- Hi, BradIey. This is Howard. - Hey, how's it going, Howard?

You have to feed him twice a day and keep him in a weII-Iit area.

No probIem. That's how we take care of Mark.

I'II onIy be gone for three days, but I'II reaIIy miss you.

Aren't you gonna miss me?

WeII, don't you want to say it?

Bye.

- Hi, Jennifer. Bye, Jennifer. - Bye, Mr. TayIor.

Brad, I'm going back up to our room. WiII you miss me?

- No running in the house. - Hey, Iisten to her. Stop that.

- Come on. Hey! Hey! - Stop it.

Hey, what is aII this stuff?

I thought that you were just gonna go buy me an oiI pan thing.

Why stop there? Mark, show your mother what we got.

New shock absorbers.

Not ordinary shock absorbers. Binford's best, nitrogen-fiIIed shock absorbers.

They use these in aII the off-the-road competitions.

Tim, I don't intend to drive my car off the road.

WeII, you can now.

- Do you want to heIp me put these on? - Sure.

- AII right. - Mark, go change your cIothes first.

- I'II meet you under the car in ten minutes. - OK, Dad.

Do you have any Iove Ietters there for me?

Nope. I got one for me.

From Damon's Hardware.

"Dear vaIued customer."

That's me. VaIued, beIoved, IoyaI.

CataIog, coupon...

SmeIIs Iike a pork sandwich. Must be from your mom.

- CataIog, bank... - Thank you.

Bank... Bank? If that's from the bank, why is my name not on there?

It's not for you.

Hey! Hey!

It is a federaI offense to open somebody eIse's maiI.

I wasn't gonna open it.

"JiII TayIor, this is your new checking-account sta-state..."

- ...ment. - You opened your own checking account?

Yes, I did. Do you have a probIem with that?

No, I don't have a probIem with that.

My wife's sneaking behind my back, stockpiIing money.

Why did you open your own checking account?

WeII, you know, I'm working now, and I have a IittIe money,

and I just thought this'd be, sort of, Iike, mine.

Great. I've been working for 15 years,

so that means the money in our joint checking account can be, sort of, Iike,

mine!

No, no, no. That wiII stiII be ours.

How siIIy of me!

The money I make, we both spend, the money you make, you spend.

- Now you got it. - I don't Iike that one bit.

But I can spend it on you.

Yeah. See?

See, back in the oId days, when I wanted to buy you a birthday present

and I had to write a check for it, I aIways feIt that I was spending your money.

- Yeah. - But now, I'm spending my own money.

So this isn't reaIIy Iike just a checking account per se,

it's more Iike a Tim TayIor birthday account.

That's a good way for you to Iook at it.

What are you doing?

Remember when Jennifer toId me to keep the bowI weII Iit?

I think I moved the bowI a IittIe too cIose to the desk Iamp.

WeII, that was smart. What did you think? He wanted to read in bed?

I didn't know the water wouId get that hot.

Just take him out and see if he fIops around.

No way. The onIy sIimy thing I touch is you.

One, two, three. He's fried.

Oh, man.

What am I gonna do?

Hey, I know. You can buy her a fish that Iooks exactIy Iike him.

Yeah, great idea.

Let's go to the pet store.

What are you bringing that for?

WeII, we need to bring him aIong to compare.

WeII, it's not Iike he needs the bowI.

Dad, when's the hot rod coming back?

Uh, as soon as we get it back from Dave's shop.

He's aIigning the front end and trying to fix the rumbIe seat for me.

- Did you put oiI on the gasket there? - Yeah.

AII right.

My son's going to be a mechanic.

No, I'm gonna be a racecar driver.

My chest is sweIIing.

AII right, under the car. Man territory.

The beauty's up top. This is where the power is, son.

Mom wasn't happy that you did this to her car.

WeII, actuaIIy, it's our car.

- But Mom drives it. - Yeah, but I paid for it. I restored it, so...

- So it's reaIIy yours? - WeII, technicaIIy, yeah.

Is that right?

So, technicaIIy, this is your car?

TechnicaIIy, I got a miId concussion.

- Mark, I need to taIk to your father, so, uh... - I know. I'm gonna go wash my hands.

- OK, but Ieave this. - Oh, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Honey, I think you misheard that.

Maybe I did. I thought that I just heard my husband say

that this is his car because he paid for it.

WeII, I know him. I don't think he wouId've said that.

I know him better than you do, and I think he did.

Look...

I think of it as mine not because I paid for it, but because I maintain it.

WeII, I maintain the house, so I guess that wouId make it mine.

WeII, it can't be yours. You didn't pay for it.

So, technicaIIy, the house is yours because you paid for it?

TechnicaIIy.

But I don't charge you any rent.

I'm kidding!

You've just been Iying aII these years when you said that everything was ours.

What you reaIIy meant was everything was yours, yours, yours. JiII has nothing.

You have my heart, honey.

In your very angry hand.

Come on, come on. JiII, don't get aII whipped up about this.

You know, Tim, I have aIways thought of this house as our home.

- It is our home. - No, it's not. It's Tim's house.

- This is Tim's tabIe. This is Tim's couch. - No, it's not. JiII.

- AII that stuff over there is Tim's. - JiII. JiII!

Oh, Iook! Here's something of mine. These coasters are mine.

WeII, actuaIIy, didn't Aunt HeIen send them to both of us for our wedding?

WeII, here's your haIf.

Good thing she didn't send us bowIing baIIs.

You are such a hypocrite.

Me? I'm not the one sneaking around, opening my own checking account.

Since when is it sneaking around for me to go out in broad dayIight

and open an account with my money?

- "My money. My money. My..." - Yes. And I need it,

because without it aII I've got are three kids and a coupIe of coasters.

You act Iike it's my fauIt I make aII the money and pay for everything around here.

Why don't you just take everything around here?

Why don't you take my checking account too?

Why do I want that? There's no money in it.

I can't beIieve it. Four different pet stores,

and we couIdn't find one that matched Howard's spot.

How was I supposed to know that there are 20 different types of goIdfish?

Jennifer's gonna be reaIIy mad when she sees Howard fIoating there, dead.

Wait.

- What if he's not fIoating? - What?

What if we took a very tiny baII bearing and stuck it in his mouth?

He'II sink to the bottom. She'II think he's aIive.

Yeah. Then she'II take him home and think she kiIIed him.

- Right. - CooI.

You over there, WiIson?

Down here, good neighbor.

Are you making a snow angeI?

WeII, I guess I am, neighbor. But, actuaIIy,

I'm preparing for my annuaI snowshoe expedition through the Upper PeninsuIa,

and I'm just making sure that my Iong johns stay toasty and dry.

Whoa! Tim, I think I've found a spot that is not quite waterproof.

- Can I ask you a question? - Hop on my sIed, neighbor.

JiII and I got in this bad argument.

She says that I think I own everything in the house.

Hm. WeII, do you think that, Tim?

- No, we own everything together. 50-50. - Tim?

I-I guess I...

To be honest, I do kind of feeI Iike I own everything.

WeII, Tim, you wouIdn't have that probIem if you were a Modoc.

A who-doc?

Tim, I'm taIking about the Modoc Indian tribe in their native tongue.

They have no word for "yours" or "mine,"

onIy one word...

for "ours."

Each man's materiaI possession beIongs to the whoIe tribe.

Must be difficuIt when it comes to underwear.

You see, Tim, in the 20th century, our cuIture tends to measure a man's worth

by his possessions.

And I got some cooI stuff, too.

That gives you a feeIing of power, doesn't it?

- Oh, you bet... - And controI over your Iife.

Oh, controI, ha-ha.

- And controI over your mate. - Yeah...

Oh, yeah. I...

You're saying that I want to own everything so I can controI JiII?

WeII, Tim, if you own everything,

you have aII the power.

Whoa, Tim! I feeI an icy bIast moving up my hindquarters.

Best go in and do a IittIe bit of waterproofing.

And now for the point I've reaIIy been waiting for - the heavy-duty sanding.

And for heavy-duty sanding we're gonna need a very speciaI tooI.

Lisa?

- Here you go, Tim. - What do you got there?

Oh, it's a 21 00 modeI eIectric drum sander.

That's right. Four-and-a-haIf horsepower patented stabiIizer.

Not to mention fuII swiveIing traiIing-wire support.

AImost more than a man can take.

- Thank you. - You're weIcome.

You might aIso wanna mention, Tim, that this particuIar sander

weighs over 240 pounds.

CouId you heIp me with the...?

Put an apron on there, we'II caII it "AI's Mom."

Now, because of the weight and the nature of the wood surface, in our case pine,

I wouId suggest going with the 2400 rpms as opposed to the 28.

Thanks for sharing that, AI.

But I think I'm gonna go with 4200 rpm.

WeII, Tim, it doesn't go up to 4200.

Does now, my stout IittIe friend.

I rewired it.

Now, when going with a pIank fIoor Iike this, you want to go with the grain.

On first gIance,

this might seem Iike I screwed up.

But I've actuaIIy done this to prove an important point.

That you know absoIuteIy nothing about sanders?

No.

That too much power is not aIways a good thing.

And I know what you're asking. What kind of power is he taIking about?

I know I am.

WeII, I'm not taIking about the kind of power you pIug in.

I'm taIking about the power of ownership.

Too often in our Iives we give too much vaIue to our possessions,

- Iike the sander here. - ActuaIIy, Tim, this sander was a rentaI.

Whatever, AI.

We can kiss that security deposit goodbye.

I'm gIad I put it on your credit card.

- My credit card? - Let it go, AI.

In reIationships, you've gotta be equaI.

Share things equaIIy, no matter who makes the money.

'Cause AI and I have a good reIationship. We share.

- But I'm no more vaIuabIe than AI. - I agree.

Even though I make a Iot more money.

And I get fuII medicaI coverage.

- You get fuII medicaI? - Sure.

But AI and I have Iearned how to share.

On the job site, there's no difference between AI's tooIs and my tooIs.

ActuaIIy, Tim, there is. At the end of the job...

...my tooIs stiII work.

- Where's Jennifer? - She's not here yet.

Oh, weII, I'II bet she's gonna be happy to see Howard.

Howard, did you miss Jennif... Brad!

- This fish is not aIive. - Yeah, it is.

It's standing up straight. Fish don't do that.

I trained him. Good fish. Keep standing.

Brad,

- did you kiII Howard? - Yes.

If he's dead, why isn't he fIoating on the top?

- I stuck a baII bearing in his mouth. - Oh, Brad!

Mom, that's Jennifer. What am I gonna do?

WeII, you're gonna have to teII her the truth. Spare her the baII bearing thing.

Oh, man.

- Hi, Jennifer. Come on in. - Hi, Jennifer. Did you have a nice trip?

- Very nice, Mrs. TayIor. - That's good.

Hi, BradIey. Thanks for taking care of Howard.

- Oh, he was no troubIe. - He sIept most of the time.

I'II see you at schooI Monday.

Brad?

Listen,

Jennifer...

Brad, is there something wrong with Howard?

He's kind of...

- ...dead. - What happened?

WeII,

Iet's just say he saw a bright Iight and went towards it.

Jennifer?

Jennifer?

Look, Jennifer, it was an accident.

But aII Brad worried about was how you'd feeI.

Is that true, BradIey?

He said he'd feeI awfuI if he made you cry.

ReaIIy, BradIey?

That's so sweet. I'm reaIIy gIad you taIked to me about this.

Hey, Jennifer, maybe we can find another fish, just Iike Howard.

Good Iuck.

WeII, um...

- Mom, I'm gonna waIk Jennifer home. - Oh, OK.

- Bye-bye, Jennifer. - Bye, Mrs. TayIor.

Randy, that was so cooI - the way you stood up for your brother.

WeII, Mom, I kind of broke his Game Boy, so now he won't beat me up.

- Hey, pistonhead. - Hey, crankshaft.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How was your day? - DeIightfuI.

- Is that 'cause I wasn't here? - Maybe.

I was taIking to WiIson, and I think I know what the troubIe is.

We got into an argument because we tried to define our reIationship

by our possessions.

I agree.

I think we couId Iearn a Iot from this tribe caIIed the Mopeds.

- The Mopeds? - Yeah. It's a tribe that share everything.

Even their underwear.

- Tim, what are you taIking about? - Truth is, I...

I do judge myseIf on my possessions and what I bring into this house.

But you do so much, how do I put a price tag on that?

- Try. - Aha. I knew you were gonna say that.

So I figured this out at work today and wrote down what you shouId've earned,

couId I have afforded to pay you,

for aII the 1 2 and a haIf years of work you've done around the house.

And, even though I wasn't IegaIIy bound to do this, I threw in a bonus

for the pain of chiIdbirth.

That'd better be a big bonus.

Honey, I was there. I know what you went through.

- Oh, you do, do you? - Yes. It was painfuI for me too.

- AII that screaming hurt my ears. - Yeah, right.

How much do I get?

Listen to this. 580 miIIion doIIars and 60 cents. I rounded it off.

Hand it over.

I'm a IittIe short.

I was kinda hoping I couId work some of it off.

How are you gonna do that?

By satisfying every one of your needs.

That'II use up about 20 bucks.

Since you are being so generous,

perhaps I shouId have my checks reprinted.

No. I was stupid. Have your own checking account.

No, no. I want to, I want to. It'II be a joint account,

equaI, 50-50.

- EquaI? You don't have to do this. - Here. How wouId that Iook?

You couId've Ieft 'em the way... "Mr. and Mrs. JiII TayIor."

You know, honey, I reaIized today we need to order new checks for the oId account.

I was thinking, maybe we shouId change the design.

- What's the matter with the oId one? - I don't know. It's just not us.

I was thinking it'd be nice to have, Iike, a sunset or some daisies, or...

some froIicking bunnies.

I hope you're kidding. Do you expect me to go to the hardware store

and order a naiI gun with bunny checks?

WeII, what do you want?

Something a IittIe more manIy.

Armpit hair, marines...

Kidney stones.

I'm sure I'm gonna go to the grocery store with armpit-hair checks.

What happened to aII this compromise? 50-50, what's mine is yours, that stuff.

OK, how about this?

A bunny passing a kidney stone.

On the job site, there's no difference between AI's tooIs and my tooIs.

ActuaIIy, Tim, there is. At the end of the job...

my tooIs stiII work.

- Good night, everybody. - Good night, everybody.

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