All language subtitles for Home Improvement - 323 - What You See Is What You Get

Fuses in, wired up.

I'm gonna try the horn.
Cover your ears, Mark.

Aah!

Dad, the horn is blinding me!

Just a crossed wire, son.

That's what it's gonna
say on your tombstone -

"It was just a crossed wire."

We've gotta get in the kitchen and start
making those cupcakes for the school carnival.

Honey, there's one thing
you should know about men:

We don't make cupcakes.

Come on, you promised me
that you'd help me.

Another thing you should
know about men - We lie.

Tim, I have thousands
of those things to make.

I can't believe you're not gonna pitch
in and help with this carnival.

I did pitch in.

Don't forget about
my "Stump The Tool Man" booth.

How could I forget?

Last year, you kept getting
stumped by that 12-year-old.

Did you get the cardboard
cutouts for the photo booth?

Yeah, right over here.

This is for the men...

Maria! Maria!

I can't itch my own back!

And for the women...

- Hi.
- It's lovely, Tim.

Her thumb is on the wrong side of her
right hand, and she has no left arm.

I didn't even notice
that she had any arms.

AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

What do you think? Could we
put the kids in the middle?

- Gotcha! Gotcha again!
- Gotcha back!

What are you guys doing?

We're doing our taxes.
What does it look like we are doing?

I got winner.

I was here first.
I've got winner.

No way we're playing you.
You stink.

You stink even worse than Dad.

Hey, a little respect.
I stink the most.

I've seen Mark play.
He could beat you guys.

No way. Gotcha!

- Gotcha!
- How about a little wager?

If Mark beats the winner,
you both clean the basement.

If you can beat him,
the movies all afternoon on me.

Kill!

Well?

I accept the challenge.
Have a seat.

One game, winner take all?

You guys got your jockstraps on?

All right, here we go.

One, two, three, go!

- Go, go.
- What are you doing?

Ha-ha!

- Kill!
- I win!

When you guys are down there
cleaning that basement,

don't touch those hot-rod magazines.
That's your inheritance.

How could you let him beat you?

I was overconfident.
I'm used to playing Dad.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Jill.
- Hi.

I just heard
the most depressing story.

- I suppose you're gonna share it with me?
- Yes, I am.

I've been researching
that article on plastic surgery.

I just interviewed a woman who
bought herself a whole new body

because her husband left her
for a younger woman.

They were married 12 years,
had four kids.

She made a big mistake.

I'm glad you feel that way.

Had she had this surgery some time ago,
she could have saved the marriage.

You've come a long way, Tim.

Listen, Jill... after 12 years
of marriage and all those kids,

women tend to let
themselves go, spread out.

Most men aren't
as forgiving as I am.

Excuse me. Did you say that you have
forgiven me for letting myself go?

No, that's not what I said.

That is exactly what you said.

Well, I didn't mean that.

What did you mean?

I... I mean...

those Tigers have a shot at the
pennant with good pitching this year.

Does everybody know
what time it is?

Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools
is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!

Thank you, Heidi,
and welcome to Tool Time.

I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and you all know my assistant -
Al "Table For One" Borland.

Need I remind you that I now
have a significant other?

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's Al "Table For Two" Borland.

But if his mom's dining with him,
it's Al "Table For Seven" Borland.

"Al, where's the salad bar?"

We're gonna show you
how to refinish a table today,

and we'll show you the steps
necessary using these three tables,

all of which we bought
for $3 at a garage sale.

Actually, I bought them, and
you haven't reimbursed me yet.

Before we refinish, let's decide what
kind of wood we're dealing with.

A simple pat underneath will tell you
if you're dealing with raw wood or -

eww - old chewing gum.

Al can actually determine what
flavor it is just by tasting it.

Take a try.

I don't think so, Tim.

Now, the underside of this
table has been painted,

so, Marv, if you wanna
come down here...

We're gonna chip away a little
bit of the paint there,

find out what
we're dealing with.

It's maple, one of my
favorite types of wood.

Yeah, and syrup. Ha-ha-ha.

All right, so next step after
you've identified the type of wood

is, uh, stripping the wood.

Now, obviously,
we've stripped this side.

We used Insta-Strip by Binford.

After you finish stripping,
acknowledge your applause,

gather up your clothes
and head back to your trailer.

All right, now we're ready
for sanding.

In this case, you wanna use
Binford's 6100 palm sander.

If you don't own a palm sander,

use a sanding attachment
to any Binford drill.

Don't use an attachment
on fine furniture

because it will leave
unsightly swirl marks.

- Says who?
- Everybody.

And you listen
to what everybody says?

Unless it's you.

I'll show you, Al.
I'll prove it to you.

Heidi, my super-sander, please.

- Here you go, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.

Thank you.

Before you sand this table,
will you reimburse me?

- It's stuck in the middle!
- Move it around!

Don't leave it in one spot!
You'll wreck it!

How do you know?

Now all we need is a square peg.

Al, hop in!

Whoa!

Check out this babe
on Dad's hot-rod magazine.

Whoa. One question.

Who works on a car
in a bikini and high heels?

I do. Oh!

Unless I'm working
under the car.

Then I go with
a halter top and flats.

You're supposed to be working on the
basement, not gawking at my car magazines.

Dad, we've been working all morning.
We needed a babe break.

Don't call her that.
She's got a name.

Ohh...

That's Miss Dual Exhaust 1984.

Get back to work, guys.
Let me do the gawking.

Well, you're allowed to gawk,
aren't you, Dad?

I don't gawk. I've got all the
babe I need right upstairs.

Does Mom know about her?

All right, wise guy,
come here and look at these.

Who's that?

Whoa!

She's a babe!

She's your mom!

I just called my mom a babe.

Who's the good-looking guy
next to her in this picture?

That would be... not me.

There's a lot of "not you's"
in this box, Dad.

The important thing is,
I'm with her now, beanhead.

Why would Mom pick you out of
all these good-looking guys?

I was good-looking
as these guys once.

You had to be better looking
than that geek.

I'd say that geek's
pretty good-looking, actually.

The geek is Dad.

This is what Tim picked
for the carnival.

It figures.
That's what all men want.

Oh, no, not Al.

Al too. Last time we went
miniature golfing,

there was a woman ahead of us
wearing a skin-tight T-shirt.

It's the only time I've ever
seen Al go 28 over par.

I'm so disillusioned.

All right, let me try.

I bet you
those aren't even real.

They're a lot more real than
some I've been seeing lately.

Excuse me?

I'm doing research for that
article on plastic surgery.

I even have this computer
program that shows you

how you can change your appearance.
You gotta see this.

You can change your lips, your butt,
your thighs, your waist, anything.

Here, let me... Yeah, well...

OK, watch this.

That's amazing.

Now watch this. If you press B,

your breasts just get bigger
and more torpedo-like.

Ew, isn't that gross?

- Wow!
- What?

Wow!

Are you saying you think
I'd look good like that?

No. It was a general wow.

General wow?

The famous Chinese military guy
- General Wow...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You saw that picture of me

and said "Wow" with your
tongue hanging out.

I did not. You can't say "Wow"
with your tongue hanging out...

Wuhhhow.

I guess this'd be a good time
for me to be going. Bye, Tim.

Bye-bye. See you later.

Thank you so much for helping me
with all the cupcakes.

Yeah, I love cupcakes.
Big, ample cupcakes.

Jill, you gotta see this.

Now I know why they call it
"the boob tube." Look at this.

Tim, what are you doing?

I'm just playing around
with the thing.

They look like hot-air balloons.

You could travel around
the world with those.

Look out, honey,
they're gonna blow!

Could you be any more obnoxious?

Is that a request? I'm just
playing with the thing.

Tim, there are women whose
self-esteem is so low,

they're actually doing this
to their bodies.

That is horrible. Sorry.

Now, how would I make
your butt a little smaller?

Maybe I'll just sleep
down here tonight.

I thought you're done with your research.
Why is the computer hooked up?

Come over here.
I want you to see something.

Hey, there's a good-looking guy.

Here.

Take this keyboard and show me
what you think is my ideal Tim.

Sounds like fun.
What do I gotta do?

You hit D for delts,
B for biceps,

W for waist, P for pecs.

Are you sure P is for pecs?

Just press the P.

There we go. "The Timinator."

You are so far off.

Let me show you my ideal Tim.

That's it?

Yeah.

Tim... it's you
that I find sexy.

And whatever changes
that you go through,

I'm gonna find those sexy, too.

Even if you look like this.

- Yikes.
- Or this.

OK, I've told you how I feel.
I wanna know how you feel.

Do you want me the way
I look now,

or would you like me
to get my tummy tucked,

my face lifted
and breasts enlarged?

The way you are now.

Thank you.

Hey.

Just out of curiosity...

what would the other version cost us,
the whole package, out the door?

Maybe I should
just live down here.

Something burning
out here, Wilson?

No need to be alarmed, Tim.

I'm just smoking a fish.

Regular or menthol?

No, no, Tim. I'm curing
an Alaskan salmon.

My only concern is
what wine to have it with.

Love to help you,
but I got a concern of my own.

It started with me turning Jill's
breasts into hot-air balloons

and getting
kind of excited about it.

I think you've finally
found a problem

that's out of my realm
of expertise.

No, you don't understand.

She had this computer simulation

that showed some cosmetic surgeon's
alterations to her body.

It reminded me of when she was
young, when I first met her.

I kinda liked it.

Then, like a bonehead, I asked what it
would cost to overhaul her whole body.

Whoa, major faux pas.

Major Faux Pas...

Was he in the same campaign
as General Wow?

Tim, I'm not familiar
with General Wow,

but your situation reminds me
of The Naked Ape.

That is the one exactly, Tim.

You see, The Naked Ape is a book
which theorizes that men, like apes,

are instinctively drawn
to younger, more fertile women

in order to propagate
the species.

What's Mrs. Naked Ape
attracted to?

Unlike the male of the species,

she instinct is be attracted to
someone older and more experienced.

Someone with more wisdom,
sensitivity.

Wait a minute.

What you're saying is if I explain
to Jill it was my instincts talking,

I'd be off the hook.

No, no, no, no, Tim.

What I'm trying to say is you have to
learn to understand your instincts,

and then you won't be on the
hook in the first place.

Oh, yeah, sure. That'd be good.

Yesterday, we told you how to
take an old beat-up table

and turn it into fine furniture.

Unfortunately, Tim turned it
into less valuable sawdust.

Luckily, Al was able
to buy us a new table.

I did not buy this table.

But don't be too surprised

if it shows up
on your credit-card bill.

A lot of us have tables
like this around the house.

A little beat-up, scratches,
stains all over it.

That's right. So what you
wanna do is sand it down...

with a normal-size sander.

Refinish it, you'll have
yourself a brand-new table.

I can't do this to this table.

It's all right, Tim. I'll do it.

No. I am surprised and shocked
that you're so superficial.

What? You're superficial!

Maybe on the surface.

Tool Time isn't just about
home improvement.

It's also about
male improvement.

You see, man, by nature,

is just a naked ape,
chain-smoking salmon.

Our instincts would be
to make this table new,

make it look new with plastic
filler in all the nicks.

What we should do is learn to appreciate
the natural beauty inherent in this wood,

and over the years, it's become nothing
but deeper, richer and warmer.

And more interesting.

What are you saying, Tim?

I'm saying this table
is perfect the way it is.

So our project today is to stand
here and stare at this table.

No. We could pour oil on it,

rub it affectionately and show
the table how we love it.

Rub with me, Al.

I think I got him cornered.

I think you're right.

Kiss this game goodbye.

Checkmate.

Goodbye.

The dustpan and broom
are in the closet,

and you know where the attic is.

Aw, man!

You guys keep losing to Mark, we'll
have this whole house cleaned up.

Dad, do you wanna play chess?

You do not wanna play
your old man in chess.

Why not?

Because I don't know
how to play chess.

Never mind. I'll go and play
with my computer.

OK.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Did you watch Tool Time today?
- No.

Too bad. We had a table on
that reminded me of you.

Why, was it big, flat,
old and dented?

Actually, it was quite lovely.

Its warmth and color
and character

made it even more beautiful
than when it was new.

Al wanted to refinish it,

but I really liked that table
just the way it was.

Oh, Tim... It's gorgeous.

Just like you.
It expands in the middle.

Not like you. It has extra
leaves, so if we have company...

Thank you.

You said you wanted one
for a long time.

No, I don't mean just
thank you for the table.

I mean, thank you for listening and
understanding what I was saying.

I had one of the computer guys at
work help me with that program.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, come on, come on.

Sit down.

Let's see if I remember.
This is us...

That's us?

That's us in 2446.

So we're, what,
400-some years old?

450 years old.

That's why we're not movin'.

No matter how paunchy
or wrinkly we get,

we're still gonna be together
and love each other.

So I guess that just proves
that love is blind.

And there's good news.

Our 425-year-old kids
have finally left the house.

So we can just sit around
naked all day.

No, that is a pretty picture.

Two wrinkled-up old prunes
just lying around together.

Come on, make your move.

I'm working on it.

If chess is too hard for you, you
could go back to tick-tack-toe.

I'm thinking.

Dad, you've been thinking
for half an hour.

That's a record for your father.

Eat my dust.

Checkmate.

Dust my house.

We'll show you the process
on these other two tables

that we all bought for $5
at a garage sale.

Actually, I bought them, Tim.
You haven't re-bursed me yet.

If chess is too hard for you, you
could go back to tick-back-toe.

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