All language subtitles for Home Improvement - 321 - Fifth Anniversary

Oh, you guys are doing so great.

This is gonna raise
a lot of money for the library.

I hate to break this to you, Mom, but you
forgot to put the date on the invitations.

It's not supposed to have a date.
It's a "no dinner" dinner.

What's that?

It's a dinner party
with no dinner and no party.

Sounds great, Mom. Put me down
for five "no tickets."

I know it sounds
a little confusing,

but this way, the library doesn't
have to buy food or rent a hall.

They get to keep
all the money they raise.

Then why do you send an invitation?
Why don't you just ask for money?

'Cause it's fun. You know,
people get into it.

Cool. Tonight, I think I'll throw
myself a "no homework" homework party.

Yeah, right.

- Morning, everybody.
- Morning.

Big day today.
We're doing a huge Tool Time.

What's it about, Dad?

We're building a man's kitchen.

What's that, a kitchen where you
stand over the sink to eat?

No, a man's kitchen.

You can cook a cow, braise a
buffalo, grill a grizzly.

You can eat grizzly?

Yeah, sure.

Tastes like chicken.

And with the leftovers, you can make a
peanut butter and grizzly sandwich.

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What do you think? Could we
put the kids in the middle?

The Binford 6100

is available at fine
hardware stores everywhere.

Remember, if your drill
says "Binford,"

get outta the house!

Tools aren't supposed
to talk to you!

Now the moment
we've all been waiting for -

the introduction of the man's kitchen.
A guy's galley.

I am man, hear me roast.

Well, Tim, what do you
say we start her up?

That's right. The only kitchen I
know that has an ignition system.

Come on, come on.

Maybe we should get jumper cables,
hook it up to another kitchen.

I think I got it.

Listen to that baby purr.

Let's step inside, take a tour
of the man's kitchen.

Well, we start first here
at men's fine china.

That's right.

16-ply steel-belted
paper plates.

These plates are available

in standard black
and white walls.

Now we move on to the most important
part of the meal - vegetables.

For most men, there's only
two kinds of vegetables -

your beans and your potatoes.

- I had my beans yesterday.
- I know.

Now, potatoes...
mmm, hard to cook,

'cause when a guy wants to eat,
a guy wants to eat.

He can't wait for endless
seconds on a microwave.

That's why we've got
the Binford macrowave.

Three convenient
power settings -

"high,""really high"
and "split your own atoms."

Now, Tim, won't this put out
a little too much radiation?

Mm, that's a good
safety tip, Al.

That's why we're
equipped with these.

Lead vests.

Also useful in case Superman wants
to take a peek at your underwear.

No problem there.
I'm not wearing any.

Don't wanna overcook a potato, so
only in there a couple of seconds.

Now don't look directly
at the potato.

Once they stop glowing,
they're probably ready to eat.

- Grab the potatoes.
- All right.

Hot potato! Hot potato!

Here we have
our beverage center.

We got beer, got root beer,
Pepto-Bismol.

But now we get to
that main course.

Ooh, yeah. The main course
in every man's meal is what?

That would be meat.

The redder...

The better.

The man's refrigerator - stainless-steel
doors, big cubic inches.

What does every man dream about
having in a refrigerator?

That's simple, Tim. A butcher.

Benny, how are you doing?

Hey, Tim. Hi, Al.
What will it be today?

I don't know. I got a hankering
for a thick porterhouse.

Good choice.

I'll take the petite
filet mignon.

Takes all kinds.

Here you go. Good-looking meat.
Thanks a lot. Stay cool.

All right, we flip them
on our grill.

Now, you don't wanna overcook 'em.
You just want 'em flame-kissed.

Ding! They're done. All right.

Still moving, Al.

Now we're ready to
put on our seasoning.

Right. We got hot sauce,
steak sauce, barbecue sauce.

What's your pick?

Not one of those. I'd like
just a pinch of salt.

You got it, friend.

(coughing

Well, I seem to have messed up your dinner.
Let's get rid of those plates.

Right down
to the recycling center.

Now, we've cleaned the dishes. What
about all the mess in the kitchen?

The grease, the appliances, the
floor, the walls? What do we do now?

Tim, the best thing about
the Binford men's kitchen

is it's entirely self-cleaning.

It is. That's right.

We got the Binford
kitchen-washing system here.

You step out of the kitchen,
shut your waterproof doors...

Klaus, can we cut the...? What
is this, a Renaissance fair?

You add your detergent pellets
early in the week,

then you put it on heavy wash,
spin dry, energy saver.

Start your wash.

In a half-hour,
you got a clean kitchen.

Floors, walls,
the whole thing's...

Yeah, that's a fine charity. I'm
sure that they have a lovely dinner,

but our dinner's a little different.
There is no dinner.

No, this is not a crank call.

Uh, we're having
a "no dinner" dinner.

It means you don't
have to get dressed up

and sit in a big
impersonal ballroom

and make small talk
with people you don't know.

You like that.

Well, um, maybe you could just
send a contribution anyway.

You know, 'cause the library
really needs... Hello?

- I can't believe she hung up on me.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- What's the matter?

This "no dinner" dinner thing is not as
easy as I thought. Nobody understands it.

I can't think about it
right now. My mind's racing.

The man's kitchen went over
bigger than I ever expected.

- You know what the end of next week is?
- No, what?

It's the fifth anniversary
of Tool Time.

I can't believe
you don't remember this.

Tim, when is our anniversary?

February.

February what?

Middle.

You are so pathetic.

Listen to me. This anniversary show is huge.
It's gotta be bigger than a kitchen show.

I gotta think of something that will
knock the audience's socks off.

Why don't you show highlights
from some of your best shows?

As good as those would be, you can't
just show clips for an anniversary show.

You've gotta think big. Help me.

OK, how about this? All right.

- You take the whole crew to Arizona.
- I'm with you.

- Drive to the Grand Canyon.
- Yeah.

Fill the whole thing in
with putty.

That's ridiculous. Putty.

Al. Al!

I've got a great idea for our
Tool Time anniversary show.

I've been thinking
about that, too.

It should be something simple,
tasteful and totally tool-oriented.

How about taking the whole crew
down to Indy Speedway?

- I like it.
- Yeah!

There's more. I'll challenge Michael and
Mario Andretti to race with myself.

Great! What about me?

You can serve sandwiches
and wash the cars and stuff.

- President Davidson.
- Hi, guys.

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you, Al.

Tim, Tim, Tim.

What, what, what?

I'm sitting in Binford
headquarters the other day,

I turn on the show that we
sponsor, and what do I see?

The glare of your head
reflecting off the screen?

No, Tim. I see a kitchen

that has sucked up your budget
for the next six months,

although I do appreciate your using
my brother-in-law as the butcher.

These figures are off. Did you see the
ratings? They went through the roof.

It doesn't justify what you spent.
We talked about this.

You promised you were gonna
start cutting back.

I did cut back. You know those...
those lead vests?

Al's was only lead-plated.

Excuse me. I have to
see a doctor now.

It was a joke.
A joke, a joke, a joke.

Well, I'm not joking, Tim.

From now on, you don't spend
a cent unless I OK it.

All right. We'll start
after the anniversary show.

Wait. What have you
got planned for that?

Well, we're going
to Indianapolis.

Aah...

Really?

Well, two words
come to mind. Uh-uh.

No, no. Look, let me just-just try
to explain this to you again.

This is a "no dinner" dinner.

It doesn't matter what you wear.
There is no place to wear it to.

No, no, there's no point in ordering a
vegetarian plate. There's no food. No food.

Look, just send me
a check, OK? Goodbye.

Jill. Jill. Guess what happened
when Davidson saw...

You will not believe what I'm going
through with this fund-raiser.

You think it's hard
to sell tickets to a dinner?

Try selling tickets
to a "no dinner" dinner.

- He cut the budget on the show.
- I am sick and tired of...

asking people for money.
It is so degrading.

- Talk about degrading. He...
- People treat me like a bill collector!

You know, they have their numbers
changed just to avoid talking to me.

They see me at the supermarket,
there's this mad rush for the door.

I wanted to have
the Andrettis on...

You have no idea what it's like

to be the cause of a
multi-shopping cart collision.

Unfortunately,
I do know how that feels.

I did this out of
the goodness of my heart.

- If I could just...
- I am so tired of giving, giving, giving.

When this is all over,
I don't want anybody

to ask anything of me
ever again.

Oh, I'm so sorry. What were you saying?
How was your day?

Oh, my, my, my,
I know it must be spring

when I hear the sweet sounds of a
wire bristle on a rusty grill.

That's it, Wilson.
What have you got there?

Tim, I'm about to add some
bacterial organisms to my milk.

Really?

I'm more of a chocolate syrup
kind of guy.

No, no, no, no, Tim.
I'm making yogurt.

The bacteria sours the milk.

You must have put some of that in my
boss' milk. He's sour all the time.

Tool Time troubles, Tim?

Our fifth anniversary show
is coming up.

I wanna make a big deal,
but Davidson won't pay for it.

I want to make a big, spectacular
gift to my audience.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You know, Tim, in ancient China,
there was once an emperor,

and every year on his birthday,

everybody in the land
would bring him a gift.

And every year, the gifts
became more and more elaborate.

I get your point.

That's very good, 'cause
I haven't made one yet.

One year, a small boy
appeared before the emperor

and told him that
he had no riches to give.

The only gift that he had
was a song.

You know what the emperor did?

Got him booked
on Dick Woo's Chinese Bandstand.

You're not
making this easy, Tim.

Anyway, when the emperor
heard this song,

he was so moved that he proclaimed
it the greatest gift of all,

because it was a gift
that came from the heart.

Well, I must get back
to the yogurt.

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

That's right. Here he is celebrating
his fifth fabulous year -

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Thank you. Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everybody.

Thanks very much. That's kind of you.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and you know my assistant -
Al "Stand By Your Tool Man" Borland.

It's great to be here on this auspicious
occasion. Happy anniversary, Tim.

You, too, and happy anniversary
to the audience out there.

If you look under your seats, there's a
personalized gift from "The Tool Man."

Made you look.

We've had a lot of fun
these last five years.

A lot of it's to do with my family. They're
here today. Let's meet 'em, can we?

My lovely, beautiful
and very attractive wife Jill.

Brad, Mark and Randy -
my little boys.

Oh, and my neighbor's here up behind them.
Wilson, say hi.

Festum diem anniversarium tibi,
Tim.

What?

That means "Happy anniversary
to you" in Latin.

The Ancient Romans...

Not now, Wilson, not now. We've got
plenty of show to do here, buddy.

There's a lot of ways we could
celebrate our fifth anniversary.

Could've gone to Indy
and had some race drivers on.

But Al and I decided to do
something more from the heart,

like the young Chinese boy
that smelled his own yogurt.

We started the show
with a very small budget.

It was just two guys
with a passion for tools.

- And one guy who knew how to use them.
- Yeah.

So I went to Binford's
headquarters, in the archives,

and got our first episode, and I put
together a little highlight tape.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the birth of the tool show.

Does everybody know
what time it is?

Tool Time.

That's correct.

Binford Tools is happy to
present your host Tom Taylor.

Uh, thank you, Mrs. Binford.
It's Tim Taylor.

All right.

Well, welcome, audience,

to the premiere episode
of Tool Time.

It's a show that celebrates
men and their tools.

Before we get to
our project today,

I'd like to bring out an
assistant that we hired for me.

We auditioned contractors all through the
Detroit area, a lot of professional men,

and this is the guy that would
work for the money we offered.

So, let's bring him out.

A contractor, a master plumber
and a Pisces - Albert Borland.

Come on out, Albert.

Good to have you here.

Hi.

OK. It's nice to have you here.

I'm Al Borland, and I'm pleased
to make your acquaintance.

I'm also very honored

to be part of
your tool education.

It's over here, though. You would
look into this camera. Um...

My wife suggested I cut the beard for
the look, but I think it fits...

Oh, no, no. I like
a man in a beard.

Whoa, big fella.

Speaking of big fella,

who's that big guy
you were talking with backstage?

That was my mother.

OK. Before we get started,

the first thing we're gonna learn
today is how to drive a stake.

I don't understand. Aren't we
talking about wooden stakes?

Albert... can I call you Al?

OK.

This is supposed to be a joke.
Guy driving a stake.

Ah...

We've leveled our dirt.
We got some form up.

Al, you guide us
the rest of the way.

We've done about everything

until we pour the concrete,

so all we need to do now is set
the stakes, close in the form.

Exactly!

We need a sledgehammer for that.

Mrs. Binford...

There you go, Tom.

Thank you,
Mrs. Been-In-The-Sauce.

Al, will you hold the stake
while I drive her in?

I'd be pleased to, Tim. With an expert
like Tim, I know I'm in good hands.

I think we've had
about enough of that.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed
our first episode.

Not so fast.

- Jill and I have a surprise for you.
- What?

We knew you were disappointed when we
couldn't do the show live from Indy.

So we brought a little
bit of Indy to you.

What'd you do?

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael
Andretti and Johnny Rutherford.

Hey, hey!

Hey.

Great stuff.

Ah...

Put 'er there.

Al, honey, this is... Oh, boy.

Well, um, our guests.

Michael Andretti, you've come from
Formula One to race Indy cars.

With the Chip Ganassi
team, right?

And Johnny Rutherford - three-time
Indy winner. This is just too great.

Your dad didn't show up -
Mario. Where's he?

Dad couldn't come. He's racing his racecar,
but I brought somebody just as old.

I believe I beat you here
from the airport, kid.

That's 'cause I used
Tim's directions.

Guys, guys. We're not
on a dirt track here.

Come on, let's enjoy ourselves.
Who talked you into doing this?

Well, your wife can be
a pretty persuasive woman.

Yeah. She even talked us
into a "no dinner" dinner.

Hope there's chicken.

We'll talk with the drivers after
this message from Binford.

That's amazing.

I had no idea you could do that in
an Indy car. That's unbelievable.

I gotta thank Michael Andretti and
Johnny Rutherford for being on the show.

How about a round of applause
for the boys here?

Yeah.

Along with our guests,
Al and I wanna thank the people

really responsible
for Tool Time.

I wanna get everybody out here. All the grips,
the prop people, costumes, lights, everybody.

Come on, everybody out here.
Everybody!

Everybody here on Tool Time.

Wait a minute.

Hey, cameramen, too.

You guys gotta get out here.

Come on, everybody. Come on.

Uh-oh. Bad idea.

Come on out, Albert.

Golly, gosh, darn it,

we've had some fun,
haven't we, over the years?

And a lot of it's to do
with my family.

I wanna spin over here
and introduce my family here.

My beautiful, talented,
brilliant wife Pat.

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