All language subtitles for Home Improvement - 320 - It Was The Best of Tims, It Was The Worst of Tims

All right.

I'm gonna show you how to do a
reversal from the down position.

I'm gonna pin you
in about three seconds.

That's real fair, Dad. You
weigh like a ton more than me.

A ton? OK, if that's not fair, why
don't I just take on all three of you?

All right!

Come on, you bunch
of little girls.

1, 2, 3! You're pinned!
You lose!

Yeah, but...

- not the second round!
- No!

Dad, it smells under here!
Seriously!

It's the Tim Taylor
half-smelly-nelson!

Yeah, Dad. Your pits
are the pits!

Hi, guys. I see he's got you
in that half-smelly-nelson.

How'd you know?

He perfected it on me.

Boys, aren't you supposed
to be doing homework?

I was until Dad
called us down to wrestle.

Tim...

You won't wrestle with me
anymore, iguana woman. Come on.

Hey, just put the
groceries away, ape man.

Bite-size pretzels...

bite-size quiche. Darling.

Bite-size pizza. Who's coming
over, the Bite-size family?

I told you, I'm giving a baby
shower for Linda from work.

Linda. Her husband's the crook?

He's not a crook.
He's a cook.

We went to his restaurant.

That's right. I paid
the bill. He's a crook.

Anyway,
it's at 2:00 on Saturday,

and a lot of people from work
are gonna be there.

You mean a lot of people people
or a lot of women people?

Women people.

They're just like men people, only they
have longer hair, and they're smarter.

Bunch of women at a baby shower,

yakking about stretch marks,
bloating, labor pains...

I wanna discuss labor pains,
I'll talk to a union man.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

Why don't you pop your head in
and say hi for a second?

I really want you to meet
my women friends from work.

- Can't this Saturday.
- Why not?

I'm busy on Saturday. We're
doing that Tool Time till 2:00.

And I told the boys
I'd rush back here

and take them to the
demolition derby at four.

Well, there's two hours
in between there.

Well, then I go upstairs.

To do what?

Upstairs stuff.

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What do you think? Could we
put the kids in the middle?

Does everybody know
what time it is?

Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools
is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

Thank you, everybody,
and welcome to Tool Time.

I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

Thank you, Heidi.
Poor little Al's out sick today.

But don't have
a flannel meltdown.

He's gonna be helping us out by phone.
Heidi, my Al phone, please.

- Here you go, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.

He's looking pretty
sprightly, isn't he?

- Al, you there?
- Ahchoo!

Use a tissue, fella. Come on!

I would like the audience to
know that I used a hanky.

This is the first time you've
been out sick, isn't it?

Which is amazing,

considering all the injuries
you've inflicted on me.

Put your hand down, Tim.

Anyway, today we continue
our week-long salute...

to plumbing.

And joining us today
is master plumber Felix Myman.

Let's give him a big
Tool Time welcome.

- Good to have you aboard, Felix.
- Nice to be here, Tim.

Felix and I go way back, right?

That's right. I've been to your house
for all of your plumbing disasters.

The water heater, the
dishwasher, Jill's bathtub...

I think we get the point.

Anyway, we'll try to get...

Being a master plumber,

Felix is experienced with all
sorts of bathroom problems -

sinks, showers...

Speaking of showers, what do
you think of baby showers?

I'm against them. I think
babies should take baths.

No, it's a different
sort of shower.

It's like when
women get together

and yap about what to do
when their water breaks.

With any kind of water breakage,

you wanna call
a licensed plumber.

The first segment of our plumbing
show will start in the bathroom,

where all the action takes
place, right on the throne.

We're talking about a sweaty toilet.
Heidi, my sweaty toilet, please.

- Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.

You're welcome.

Now, what is a sweaty toilet?

Is it a toilet that's just
overstressed from too many seat-ups?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I don't think so, Tim.

Actually, Tim,
this problem occurs

when the cold water in the tank
cools the porcelain,

and the warm, moist air
condenses on the sides.

Well said, Felix.

I'm glad there's somebody there who
knows what he's talking about.

I'm usually the one that has
to step in and tell Tim...

Talk to you later, Al.

OK, Felix. What do we do
about a sweaty toilet?

You can install a tempering valve
to mix the hot and cold water

before it enters the tank.

But that's for professional
installation only.

For that, hire a licensed
plumber like Felix.

For the do-it-yourselfer,

you can just cement
foam liners inside the tank.

You'll wanna drain the water
from the tank first

and use an epoxy resin cement,

which will take
a couple of hours to dry.

Yeah, but, Felix, when you
gotta go, you got to go.

That's why I recommend

Binford's ultra-fast-drying
urethane adhesive.

I'm not sure you wanna use
that kind of glue.

I know what I'm doing here, OK?
Just wait till it's tacky...

Tim, I'd be careful. That's
instant glue you're using.

It's not like instant instant.

- Would you get that for me?
- Oh, sure.

Hello? Oh, hi, Al.

What does he want?

He wants to know if you've got your
hands glued to the toilet yet.

Come on!

Aw!

I love these bootees.
They're darling.

- OK. Anybody ready for cake?
- Ohh!

I'll help you.

OK. Hi, sweetie.

- When did you get home?
- I'm not home.

Jill, is that your husband?

Tell 'em I'm your Latin lover
Miguel, and I don't speak English.

Yes, it is my husband.
Come and say hi.

Hola!

Come and say hi
and don't act stupid.

This is my husband Tim.

- Hi.
- Hi, everybody. Welcome to our house.

Um... Shower power!

- So, I finally get to meet "The Tool Man."
- Yeah.

- You know, I watch your show all the time.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Who are you?

Nora. I loved the one
on squeaky floors.

"A squeak, a creak
or a... Ohhh!"

A lot of people liked that show.

Yeah. Two letters
have already poured in.

Jill, I hope you don't
mind me saying this,

but I think Tim is even
more handsome in person

than he is on television.

- Well... Excuse me.
- I don't mind.

- You are...?
- Eve.

Can I get you a cold drink,
some dip or a condominium?

And - I'm just taking a shot -
you must be the guest of honor.

Hi. I'm Linda.
Can you join us, Tim?

Oh... I'm not a big baby-shower guy.
I'm a big baby guy.

Oh. I hope my husband
turns out to be a big baby guy.

He's really nervous right now.

- Here. I'll take these.
- Thank you.

Guys are generally
nervous about babies.

You women do all the work, and then
we have to sit back and think,

"Will I be a good father to him?
Will he relate to me?"

Or even worse, what if he
turns out to be a she?

Then I have to protect she
from all the he's.

You sound like you've given
this a lot of thought.

We had three boys. They were babies
once, and they were really cool babies.

I think men have
a lot in common with babies.

We both get real cranky
if we don't get fed on time.

We like to take naps
in the afternoon.

And I don't know a guy in the world that
doesn't like a good game of peek-a-boo.

Ohh!

This is a lot of fun.
I wish I could stay around.

Have a nice shower
and have fun here.

- See you later.
- Bye.

What a doll.

Jill, you are so lucky.

That is exactly the kind of man
I've been looking for.

He is fabulous.

He is fabulous.
Who was that?

This was a great shower,
Jill. Thank you so much.

You're welcome.
Here, I'll do that.

I've put all your gifts in the trunk.
Where'd you get that bib with the trough?

It'd be perfect for ball games.

"That last beer was a
little too much for me."

I'm gonna take the boys
on an educational trip.

Museum? Library?

Actually, demolition derby.
Vroom-bam!

He is so funny.
You must laugh all the time.

All the time.

- Thanks again.
- You be well.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Here you go, here you go.

Thanks, Mom.

Bye-bye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
Goodbye.

- Yes!
- See you later, honey.

You! Wait.

What?

You were incredible
at that shower.

You were funny
and charming and sexy.

All the women wanted to be
married to you.

I wanted to be married
to them, too.

Maybe we could work out some
kind of time-share arrangement.

You know, sometimes I just forget
what an amazing hunk of man you are.

Ohh.

Well, I'd love to stick around and give you
a little reminder, but... the boys need me.

I need you.

Ah!

Demolition derby... sexy wife.

Demolition derby...
ooh, sexy wife.

Could you hold that thought
till about 10:00 tonight?

This thought here?

That would...
that would be the one.

Hurry back, mister.

Every time I see two heaps slam into one
another tonight, I'll be thinking about us.

Honey, what a demolition derby.
I wish you'd been there.

We were so close to the action,
you could taste the exhaust.

I'm glad you're back.
Where are the boys?

They're in their rooms.
Proud of those little guys.

They each had one of those
52-ounce root beers.

Randy let out a burp so loud,

one of the drivers
thought he blew a tire.

I always knew that
that boy was special.

Are you looking good.

Let me get out of these
cruddy clothes.

- Don't take too long.
- I won't.

What a great night
with the boys, though.

A lot of good food... Oh!

Ah!

Ohh! I got some double-cheese
nachos sitting right here.

Ohh!

Tim!

Got a little gas ball
moving, moving...

Ah!

This is real attractive.

So...

where were we?

It's kinda hard to remember.

This'll refresh your memory.

Sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry.
Mark was right. Ohh.

You shouldn't have double
onions on those chili dogs.

Hello...

Where are you going?

I've had enough.

I thought we were gonna,
you know...

Are you insane?

You were drooling all over me
when I left.

Yeah, well, that was
a different guy.

What happened to the man who was debonair
and attractive and oozing charm?

That's me. I'm him.

No, you're the guy that burps and
oozes something, but it isn't charm.

You were charming the pants
off those women today.

Why don't you do that
with me anymore?

I was just trying
to make a good impression.

It really ticks me off that
just because we're married,

everybody else gets the best part
of you, and I just get the rest.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Back the trolley up here
a minute.

It's not like I get
the best o' Jill.

That morning breath could take
the paint off my hot rod.

And how about this
little ratty robe?

Like that says, "Come and
take me, big fella."

The point is that tonight,
I really tried.

When was the last time that you put
on something like this for me?

I put that on,
I'd be arrested, honey.

Come on.

All I wanted
was one night of romance,

and you turn it
into a big argument.

So let's not argue. I, for one,
am still in the mood.

I'm taking a wild shot
that you're not.

Ohh! Drat, drat, drat,
drat, drat.

Problem, Wilson?

Well, Tim, I am attempting
to balance an egg,

but it's not easy.

But if it falls, it's overeasy.

You are quite the yolkster.

Actually, Tim, some people believe
that an egg will stand on its end

during the vernal equinox.

The vernal what-nox?

The vernal equinox, Tim.

It signifies
the first day of spring,

it's when the sun
is directly over the equator

and gravitational pull
is at its strongest.

That's probably
what's affecting Jill.

What'd you do this time, Tim?

I didn't do anything. She's bent out
of shape because I'm too charming.

You are quite the dazzler.

I don't see why that would
upset Jill, though.

She thinks I'm only charming
for other people and not her.

Oh. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I think she wants things to be
like they were when we first met.

But I like the way
things are now.

I like not always having to impress
the other person or get dressed up.

Mm-hmm. So you would tend to
agree with J.B. Priestley,

who said that, "Marriage is like an
endless visit in your worst clothes."

That guy really knew
about marriage.

And divorce, too.
He was married three times.

Oh, no!

Three mother-in-laws.

When Jill and I
first got married,

in order win her, I really
had to pour on the charm.

Then she wanted to see through the
charm and see if I really loved her.

And now that she knows I really
love her, she wants the charm back.

Hmm. Well, Tim, maybe after
15 years of marriage,

making an effort to be more
charming has more meaning.

Hmm. Yeah.

It's too bad. I like being
comfortable in my own house.

If I've got a little gas, I don't want
to have to run out to the backyard.

I don't want that, either.

- Jill?
- Hi.

Hi. I was laying under
the hot rod,

and I got to thinking about you.

Really? Usually
you're laying with me

and get to thinking
about the hot rod.

I think you're right.

I don't really work on
charming you like I used to.

Well, that's true.

I don't think you wore coveralls to
bed until the fifth anniversary.

I just don't wanna be one of those priests
that drops eggs on his three wives.

What?

Sometimes in a marriage,
you can get too comfortable.

Well, we're both getting lazy.

I guess after 15 years and three
kids, it's kinda natural.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't wanna
get so lazy that we stop trying.

Me neither.

Do you remember
when I asked you to marry me?

I was so nervous, my hands
were as sweaty as toilets.

Why were you nervous?

I was afraid you'd say no and I'd have to
spend the rest of my life without you.

I knew I couldn't
return that ring.

You still make me laugh.

That's good. It's the best
15 years I've ever had.

Got a little gift for you.
Stay right there.

Oh...

You still have some charm left.

I still have some tricks
up my sleeve.

Whoa!

Bond. James Bond.

I wish that I had a beautiful
gown on underneath my robe.

- What do you have on under there?
- Nothing.

Ohh-ho.

That's better than any gown.

- Are Mom and Dad up yet?
- No. And quit bugging us!

It's late. When are they
gonna get up?

Don't you know anything?

Whenever Mom and Dad
have a fight,

Dad apologizes, and then, the
next morning, they sleep late.

I don't think they're sleeping.

You don't? Why not?

Because I heard them jumping
up and down on their bed.

Oh... Well, you know,

they're probably just having one of
their, um... somersault contests.

Yeah. It's a lot like
the Olympics.

Sounds like fun.
Why don't they ask us to play?

Trust me, Mark.
You don't wanna play.

Oh. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hi, sweetie. What a great day.

Yeah, what a great day. Yeah.

Brad and Randy told me
what you were doing upstairs.

They did?

Yeah. Having one of those
somersault contests. Who won?

Your mom won. She always wins.

- You did win, didn't you?
- Twice.

Does everybody know
what time it is?

OK, there's a little thing
we do here. We yell "Tool Time."

It sounds like you've given
this a lot of thought.

Well, we had three...
three babies...

When the boys were babies,
and I... You know...

Men are actually
a lot like babies.

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