All language subtitles for Home Improvement - 307 - Blow-Up

You want your bedroom
the color of a football.

Your wife wants it
the color of a daisy.

- What color do you prefer, men?
- Football!

Hey, hey! Daisy.

Well, Tim, I like my bedroom
to be light and airy.

Just like Al.

We're going to paint the bedroom
the color of a football.

Now, how do we match
this color perfectly?

- We use the Binford 250 Paint Boy.
- Right.

It mixes the color
and analyzes the pigments.

Would that be
the Three Little Pigments?

No, Tim, it wouldn't.

Sure it would.
Take your football,

set it underneath the electric
eye, press your color key,

and boom - we've got
ourselves Touchdown Brown.

And this works with more
than just footballs.

You can duplicate
any of your favorite colors.

That's right.

Antifreeze Green,
Roadkill Gray... Oh.

Smash-Your-Thumb-
With-A-Hammer Purple.

But today, we develop a color
just for Tool Time -

the color Al.

Excuse me, Tim?

I'm gonna make a color
out of you.

You'll be bigger than Fuchsia.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

Let's show 'em what the machine can do.
Play along, Al.

That's not what the machine...

Al, just put your finger
in there.

There you go.

OK.

One part Pasty White,
two parts Flannel. OK.

I don't wanna be a color.

Neither did Red, and look how
well things turned out for him.

Computer's in. All right.

Oh, yeah.

Now we got a bucket of Al, and I'm
ready to paint with Big Al here. OK.

Of course, Al is economical
in the gallon size here.

Al goes on smooth,
just like that.

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The Al paint can be cleaned up
with soap and water.

Unlike the real Al, which needs
turpentine and a wire brush.

For larger jobs - industrial
buildings and warehouses -

we suggest a roller and a
couple of gallons of Al's mom.

What do you think? Could we
put the kids in the middle?

- Hey, Tim.
- Hey, Joe. What's up?

Hey, what are you doin'?

Taking my hot rod apart.

Didn't you just put this thing together?
Or am I nuts?

Bingo on both counts.

I'm taking it apart
piece by piece,

send it to my paint guy -
Fred Axleby.

Should be all ready to go
in two months.

Two months? I got a paint guy
who'll spray it in one hour.

You don't even have to
get out of the car.

In one hour?
Will he develop my film?

Oh. Sorry. So,
is Marie over here?

She and Jill are in
looking at dresses

for that library
fund-raiser thing.

Which is why I'm in the garage.

Women and clothes! Why do they make
such a big deal out of what they wear?

It's important.

In my case, I'm thinking about a
three-piece pin-striped blue suit

with tasseled loafers.

But I'll almost certain
I'm gonna go with

the off-the-shoulder
taffeta gown with the pumps.

Can't. That's what I'm wearing.

- I'll go with the sling-backs.
- That's a good look for you.

OK.

Ohh. That is beautiful!

I don't know.
It is really expensive.

Oh, God!
Even my butt looks good.

Come on, Jill. You know
you deserve this dress.

The library is halfway at
its goal because of you.

Why else do you think we're
having a dinner in your honor?

No, I can't. I don't even know
if I can sit down in this thing.

So what? It's a buffet.

- Hey, hon. Hey, Jill.
- Hi, Joe.

Tim, how sensational
does Jill look in this dress?

Wow!

She looks good. I've always
liked her in that dress.

Tim, this is brand-new.
You've never seen it before.

On you. I've seen it.

Al's got that dress.

Tim, tell her to forget about the
money and buy the dress, please.

Honey, buy the dress. You never
do anything nice for yourself.

You know how you are.

What do you mean? How am I?

You're... tight, thrifty,
cheap, cheap-o.

I am not cheap! I'm... frugal.

Frugal? You save pickle juice.

I re-use it in the tuna fish.

If you like the dress, buy it.
We'll save money some other way.

We won't feed the kids
for a couple of months.

Hey, I got a dress guy who'll get
you the same thing for half.

No. Really? For half? Mm-hmm.

Not a knockoff? Not a second?

The same exact dress. It's
completely on the up and up.

Wow. OK. What's his name?

Can't say.

Well, what's his number?

No, you don't call him.
He calls you.

And when he calls, you say, "The
swallows fly... at midnight."

No, really. Is this on
the up and up? You swear?

I guarantee it. I've known the guy for
years. I'll have him call you tomorrow.

Great. OK. But make sure, because I
gotta have this by the end of the week.

There's the designer, this is the
dress size. Don't tell anybody.

I'd better get this off before I do
something to it. See you later, Marie.

- And thank you, Joe!
- Sure.

Tim, the photo lab called.

They said you didn't
bring in the picture yet.

Picture?

The picture of Jill you were supposed
to bring in three weeks ago.

Picture?

The one we're gonna blow up and
have everyone sign at the dinner.

The picture.

You gotta get it
to the photo lab by six

if we're gonna have it
on Saturday night.

- No problem.
- All right. You know, it's 5:30 now.

Big problem.
Huge problem. I know.

I can't believe the dress isn't here yet.
We have to be there in 25 minutes.

Why did I ever get involved
with Joe's dress guy?

Because you're frugal.

You should never have let me
return that dress.

I tried to talk you into
buying the dress.

Don't argue with me now, please.

We've got to get out of here.
Come on. You look great.

I'm wearing a bathrobe!

Put on some slippers. Let's go.

Wait. Why don't you wear that
slinky blue dress that's low-cut...

I don't have a blue dress.

Then who was that?

Oh, I remember. Oh, ho-ho!

Oh, good. He's finally here.

Oh, no. It's just Al.

It's not exactly "Glad to
see you," but I'll take it.

Sorry. It's just that
I'm waiting for somebody.

Well, you look great.

I'm wearing a robe. Doesn't anybody notice?
I'm wearing a robe!

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Al!

All right! Yeah! Hey!

I got a big evening planned
for us tonight.

Can we go see Blood-Sucking
Vampires From Mars?

- No, you're not seeing that movie.
- Why not?

I wanna see that as a family.

No, we're not gonna
go see a movie tonight.

I thought we'd do something
a little more interactive.

How does... miniature golf at
the Putt Putt Panorama sound?

Hey, cool! They have
an awesome video arcade.

No, no, no! You don't go to
Putt Putt to play video games.

You go there for one thing and
one thing only - miniature golf.

All right! Let's go!

I don't know.
I'd rather see a movie.

Yeah. I wanna see
The Nuttiest Raccoon.

The Nuttiest Raccoon?

Trust me, Mark, it's a big disappointment.
He was not that nutty.

I can't believe
I had to wear this dress.

Everybody's seen it.
I've worn it a thousand times.

I've taken it in, out,
up, down...

Jill, I'm really sorry
about this.

But you'll be happy to know
that, as of this minute,

I'm getting a new dress guy.

Joe, don't take this the wrong way, but...
I have to kill you.

Honey, honey.

The parking-lot attendant loved this dress.
He said his mom's got one like it.

Marie, come with me.
I gotta go fix my face.

Good idea.

Not that... There's
nothing wrong with...

I didn't... There's no reason...

Boy, your wife
is really steamed.

Welcome to my world.

There's Jill's picture.

I'll write something nice on it.
Maybe she won't be so mad at me.

That's the picture
you picked out?

It looked a lot better on her
driver's license, I'll tell you that.

You blew up
her driver's license?

It's all I could find.
She hid all the photo albums.

Oh, boy, are you in trouble.

No. I'm dead.

I'm past dead.
I'm deader than dead.

You know, but the good
news is, I'm off the hook.

I'm gonna get something to eat.

Honey, honey. You don't
wanna go in there.

Why not?

You're the guest of honor. We gotta make
a big hit. Let's go in the back way.

No, no, no.
There is no back way.

There is no back way. Wait
a minute, wait a minute.

Let's go through the basement, get
in the heating ducts, crawl up,

at the right time, pop through
a vent, "Hi. I'm Jill."

What?!

Trust me. I have a TV show.

In front of an audience,
it'll be huge!

Tim, quit kidding. I wanna show
Jill the surprise we got her.

No, you don't. What surprise?

The committee did something special,
but we can't take all the credit.

Remember, Tim picked out
the picture.

Oh, honey. You gave me a surprise.
That's so nice.

Gosh, darn it. Why don't we all
see the surprise together?

You blew up my driver's
license picture?!

That's the surprise.

I gotta go fix my face.

Well, honey...

all in all, it was a pretty
good evening, wasn't it?

It was a great speech.

Ah, that roast beef
was good, wasn't it?

Who would've thought of serving
potatoes with the roast beef?

What was that sauce they had,
special sauce they had...?

Gravy. Gravy.

But it was beef gravy,
it was spiced, it was so...

- Shut up, Tim.
- Oh.

How could you blow up my driver's
license picture? How could you do that?

Well, it was better-looking
than your passport photo.

Were there only
two choices here?

Tim, there's tons of pictures
of me in this house.

I didn't have time.

Why not?

'Cause Marie sprang this on me
at the last minute.

The last minute?

The very last minute.

If she'd given me some time, I'd
have picked out a perfect picture.

Oh. So you're just saying
this was all Marie's fault.

I wouldn't want to point
the finger at her.

In fact, I wouldn't even
mention it to her.

- Who are you calling?
- The time.

Oh, I got the time. It's 9:35.

- Hello, Marie?
- Oh, boy.

How much time did you give Tim
to get that picture?

Three weeks. Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Marie. Bye.

Hey, how's Marie?

Three weeks.
You said the last minute.

Who are you gonna believe?

My... my guess would be Marie.

Thank you for ruining one of the
most important nights of my life.

It didn't ruin it.
You raised all the money.

People loved your speech.
Oh, come on.

There is a bright spot. Everybody was
laughin' so hard at the picture,

they didn't see that
skaggy dress you have on.

Hey, why don't I just
sleep on the couch?

We're back!

Hey, Dad, I beat Al.
I got a hole in one.

Yes, he got a hole in one!

Do we have to keep
hearing about it?

Brad got a hole in one.
Yippee, yippee, yippee.

Sounds like you ruffled
a few feathers.

When he plays miniature golf,
he's like a different person.

That could be a good thing.

Dad, he's psycho golfer.

I happen to take the game
seriously.

Al, it's just miniature golf.

Dad, he brought his own clubs.

Even a 7-iron.

He made a little girl cry.

Well, she walked right in
front of the clown's mouth!

Well, something had to be said.

The manager kicked us out.

Al is now banned for life
from the Putt Putt Panorama.

Well, big deal!

As soon as that manager graduates
from high school, I'll be back.

While you're waitin', Al,

why don't you look into
Miniature Golfers Anonymous?

Oh, boy. That is a terrib... ly
nice picture of you.

Thanks a lot, Al.

Hi, Mom. Whoa!

Mom, is that you? That's the
worst picture I've ever seen.

Yeah. You look like
the Nuttiest Raccoon.

Your father picked it out.

Way to go, Dad.

Wouldn't wanna be
in your shoes, bud.

Go to bed! Brush your teeth!

I'm... I'm real sorry
about this picture, Jill.

Look, I'm not just upset
about the picture.

I'm upset because of the fact
that you never even realized

how important
this whole night was to me.

I know now.

You should've known before.

I've been talking about the
library fund-raiser for months,

and every time I do,
your eyes just glaze over,

and you go,
"Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh."

Uh-huh.

Right.

Honey, that's how I concentrate.

So, you're saying that you heard everything
I said about the library fund-raiser?

Yeah. It's right up here. Yeah?

Well... what are we
raising money for?

The library.

What part of the library?

The part of the library that
needs money raised for it.

You see? It's useless.

I guess it's too much to expect you to put
yourself aside and think of me for a change.

Wait a minute.
You don't always listen

when I'm telling you stuff
that's important to me.

Tim, when you talk, I listen.

Really? Yeah!

Uh-huh.

What kind of carburetors
are on the hot rod?

Holley double pumpers.
Holley... What?

Holley double pumpers.

I've told you about the engine.

What kind of engine do I have
in the hot rod? Huh?

350 small block, bored 30
over with a 400 crank.

Tires?

185/60 R-14s.

Aha!

They're 195s!

And you say you listen to me.

Is it written on here somewhere?

Hi-ho, neighbor.

Hidey-ho, Wilson.

Jill! What a pleasant surprise.

You're out late.

Mm-hmm. Just doing
a little stargazing.

You know, they say if you had
a strong enough telescope,

you could look back in time
to very early man

before his brain
was fully developed.

Come over to our house. You can see
the same thing without a telescope.

Trouble in the Taylor galaxy?

Yeah. It's the Big Dip.

Tim?

I just don't think
he's ever gonna change.

When I first met him, I thought he had
such great potential for sensitivity.

But here it is 15 years later, and
he's still stuck at "potential."

Well, Jill, I can understand
your frustration.

You know, it's been said

that men marry women
hoping they won't change.

Women marry men
hoping they will.

- Are you saying there's no hope?
- No, not necessarily.

In the time I've known Tim,

I've seen him progress
and evolve significantly.

We're talking about
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor?

Yes, indeed. As a matter of
fact, when he first moved in,

I had to remind him
when your birthday was.

Now I just have to remind him
to get a gift.

Well, I guess
that's some improvement.

His table manners are better.

It's been a while since I've seen
him shoot peas out his nose.

Well, there you go.

It's just...
he's evolving so slowly.

Well, Jill, I'm reminded
of an old Chinese proverb -

Be not afraid of growing slowly.

Be afraid
only of standing still.

I'm sure that Tim will eventually
become the man you want him to be.

Yeah, but with my luck,
he'll be 101,

and he'll listen to everything I
say, but he won't know who I am.

Today on Tool Time,
the name of the game is frames.

You can frame a house.

You can frame your lenses.

You can frame... a co-worker.

Tim, we're supposed to be
talking about picture frames.

A good frame can accentuate
the beauty of any subject.

Of course, there's
exceptions to every rule.

We'll be cutting our wood at a
45-degree angle with our miter box.

While Al's busy working, I'd like to veer off
the subject for a little bit, if I could.

I don't think men know just how
selfish we can be sometimes.

It might come to a shock
to the audience here,

but the old "Tool Man" can be a
little insensitive at times.

I know I'm taken aback.

How often do we
put ourselves aside

and think about the women
in our lives we cherish?

I know all the wives out there
know I'm kidding around...

I know there's some point to
this, but I'm not seeing it.

I was thinking about
what you said,

so I got you something special.

Tim, I don't believe
you did this.

I just wanted everyone to
see you like I see you.

Honey, that's really sweet.

Not only did I get the
right picture this time,

I went and had everybody
re-sign it.

Even that plastic surgeon who wrote,
"I hope you have a good personality"?

You should've seen his face

when I walked in during
liposuction to get the signature.

Oh... Tim.

This is so great
that you did this.

But, um... you know,
I just gotta say,

it's really big.
So what are we gonna do with it?

I'll buy you a big wallet.

In the meantime, tonight I'm gonna
cook you a fabulous dinner.

Steak, mashed potatoes and peas.

That is so sweet.

I'm gonna use those little peas I
can shoot halfway across the room.

Two players, one shot apiece.

The 13-year-old versus
Al "I Got a Slice" Borland.

Dad, this is so stupid.

Afraid, huh?

He's afraid of you?
I don't think so, Al.

Good! You got the whole thing
put together...

Tim, I thought
we threw that away.

I'm recycling.

Could we have some quiet here?
I'm trying to line up my shot.

Boy, take a pill, will you?

It's not your shot, anyway.
Brad the champion goes first.

Champion, champion,
champion. Just go.

Loosen up your swing.
Concentrate.

Can I... Can I go now?

The game is not over.

Pressure's on, Al.

Next up, Al "The Double
Bogeyman" Borland.

Al's always had trouble
on these greens here.

Doesn't like
the concession... area.

And you can use this
with more...

Aah!

Again. 4, 3...

And you can use this
with more than just footballs.

What's... What is...?

What's the line?

And this works with more than just
footballs. Work with more than just...

This works with more than
just footballs.

You can also duplicate
any of your favorite colors.

That's right.

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