All language subtitles for Home Improvement - 207 - Roomie For Improvement

Before we get started, I want to remind
our audience that next time on Tool Time

we have some very speciaI guests.

That superstar racing team of Mario
and MichaeI Andretti wiII be here. AII right.

I'm very excited
to have my racing heroes on the show.

It's hard to imagine you getting so
jazzed-up about racing, the way you drive.

He drives Iike an oId woman
in a church parking Iot.

Watch out for the speed bump!
Ba-bump.

I drive defensiveIy, Tim.

You dress defensiveIy, AI.

- My mother gave me this shirt.
- Why? Did she outgrow it?

No...

Anyway, Iet's get back to our saIute...

...to Iubricants.

For this demonstration, we've spIit
this straight six-cyIinder down the middIe.

Tim, my mother has very fine taste.
Her shirts Iook nothing Iike this.

Right, AI. Anyway, try to imagine,
if you wiII, that my fists are pistons.

AII right, AI. CIose up the engine.

GIadIy, Tim.

OK. Let's try to start this engine.

WeII, it won't start.
That's because the pistons are stuck.

Just Iike they were Iast year
during the NBA pIay-offs.

But they wiII move if they're Iubricated.

That's if the oiI pump is pumping oiI
through the system, the pistons wiII move.

So, Iet's open the engine up
and show 'em how the oiI gets in there.

- Grab the oiI and open me up, AI.
- Ah, here it is, of course, motor oiI.

WeII, gee.

I wouIdn't want to get any of this
on my nice shirt my mother gave me.

- I better go change before I Iet you out.
- Come on, open this up, AI. AI!

Tool Time tip of the day: when you're
insuIting your coworker's mother,

make sure you're not Iocked
into an engine compartment.

Al. I know you're back there.
Al. I know right where you're standing.

Al. Let me out.

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Mark, stop scratching or I'm gonna
have to cut your fingernaiIs even shorter.

But it itches.

WeII, bring the caIamine Iotion
down again.

Aw, man.

Mom, pIease, pIease don't run away.

These are for your father.

He's never had chickenpox
and I don't want Mark to give 'em to him,

so he's gonna have to move out
for a few days.

Huh.

WeII, I've never had chickenpox either.

I think I'II just go pack my bags
and check into a nice hoteI.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stay
right where you are. I want you to get 'em.

Did you kiss your brother
Iike I toId you to?

Oh, yeah.
We're getting married next Tuesday.

I wish you wouId be nicer to your brother.

You know, he's probabIy the onIy
IittIe brother you're ever gonna have.

In fact, I guarantee you he's the onIy
IittIe brother you're ever gonna have.

So here, just take this juice to him.

And you better be sick
when you get up in the morning.

- Hi, baby.
- Oh, hi.

- Why are my bags over here?
- You gotta Ieave.

This is 'cause I said your mother was the
worId's second Iargest mammaI, isn't it?

I never heard that.

I never said it.

Remember that fever
that Mark had Iast night?

- FIu?
- It's chickenpox.

There are germs everywhere.
Don't touch that.

I can't get sick.
The Andrettis are gonna be on Tool Time.

I'II go to my mom's.
No, no. A hoteI!

WeII, check with AI
before you do anything eIse.

- Why?
- When I caIIed to warn you about that,

he said that you couId
stay at his apartment.

Stay with AI. That's a good one.

- WeII, I toId him that you'd get back to him.
- You didn't just say no?

WeII, I didn't know what to say.
He was reaIIy being sweet.

He caIIed you his roomie.

Oh, man.

WeII, you know, he said
he wanted to do something nice

because of that Iubricant thing that he
did to you - and pIease don't expIain that.

- Mom.
- What? That's Mark.

Don't Iet him get near you.
Go on, go on, go on.

Mark, I gotta go away for a coupIe of days.
FeeI better, buddy.

- Thanks. I'II miss you.
- I'II miss you too, buddy.

- Hey, WiIson.
- Hi-de-ho, Tim.

SmeIIs Iike you're barbecuing.

- SmeIIs good. Burgers, hotdogs, chicken?
- No, no, no.

Today we're having some
griIIed grasshopper-and-cricket kabobs.

I got the recipe
out of my survivaI newsIetter, Aftermath.

I'II be gone a coupIe days. Mark got
chickenpox and I've never had them so...

- Can I ask you a question?
- Throw another bug on my barbecue.

AI wants me to stay at his apartment.

And I reaIIy don't want to.

But if... if I say no,
I'm gonna hurt his feeIings,

and I don't want to do that, so I guess
I'm gonna have to stay there, right?

WeII, Tim.

- Your feeIings are important too. Right?
- Yeah.

WeII, then you shouId teII AI
exactIy how you feeI.

You know what they say -
''Honesty is the best poIicy.''

AII right, aII right, aII right.
I'II just teII him the truth.

I mean, guys don't Iie to each other.

I'II just say I don't want to stay there.
He'II understand that.

- Thanks, WiIson.
- Oh, you're weIcome.

Now, if you'II excuse me,
I have to scrounge up an appetizer.

Tim!

- Hi, Tim!
- AI?

- What are you doing here?
- TaIk about timing.

I was just coming up the driveway
and JiII was coming down with your bags,

so I put them in my station wagon out front.

- I reaIIy appreciate that, AI, but I...
- Oh, and here, I...

I-I had this made speciaIIy for you,
this key.

It's got your initiaIs on it.

AI, I don't wanna stay with you.

I mean, I don't wanna stay with you
for very Iong.

I don't wanna overstay my weIcome,
you know, become a burden.

Oh, weII, it's no burden.
Come on, roomie.

WeIcome to my humbIe abode, roomie.

Thanks, Allie.

So.

WeII, this is where you'II sIeep.
I made this myseIf.

Yep.

I'II take the hammock, up here.

- The... Of course, you know the...
- Bathroom.

The bathroom is right through here.
That's right.

And your toweIs are the ones
with the matador on 'em.

And this is your cIoset space.

I didn't reaIize that fIanneI
couId reproduce so quickIy.

You know, normaIIy,
I don't find you that funny, but...

but now that we're roomies, I reaIize
you actuaIIy do have a sense of humor.

It's from working with you, AI.
Who's this guy here?

- It's Gordy Hawkins.
- A race driver or something?

Oh, no, no.
WorId-cIass square-dance caIIer.

You know,
I'm taking his correspondence course,

''Getting in Touch
with the Square Dancer in You.''

WeII, join hands, circIe to the Ieft

Just circIe to the Ieft

Round and round
Kick those feet up off the ground

Make it quick
Jim take Sue and Pam take Dick

Promenade, go around the ring
Just promenade, go two by two

TiII you get back home

Oh, hello, Cynthia.

- Hi, AI.
- Who's at the door?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you had company.

No, Cynthia, pIease.

I wouId Iike you to meet Tim TayIor.

- This is the man that I work with.
- Hi, Cynthia. How are you?

Oh, you're the one
who assists AI on his show.

That's me.

- Can I borrow a cup of sugar?
- WeII, sure. Sure thing. Yeah.

I'm baking a cake. Maybe you couId
come over Iater and have some.

- WeII, I wouId Iove to.
- Yeah?

But, I... WeII, gee, I've got some activities
pIanned for Tim and me tonight.

Oh, boy.

WeII, here's some sugar packets.
They ought to add up to a cup.

Oh, weII, thanks. Bye.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Cynthia.

Good night.

- Great. AI, what's the matter with you?
- What?

She invited you over.

She doesn't want to bake a cake.
She wants to sampIe the AI dessert tray.

I know that, Tim. It's just that
she's on the rebound. She's vuInerabIe.

I don't wanna take advantage of that.

Oh, AI.

It's not Iike a beautifuI woman
stops by your apartment every day.

ActuaIIy, she does.

Hey, partner, I'II teII you what.

Why don't we go down to Big Mike's,

get ourseIves some burgers, have a beer?

WeII, no, oh, no, no.
Listen, this is our first night together.

Come on, partner. They've got that
big widescreen TV they just put in.

WeII, I...

I've got a roast in the Crockpot and
I have some great entertainment Iined up.

I have a... I have a tape
that I think you're going to Iike.

- Road Runner? Terminator? Stooges?
- Even better.

Do you recognize the IittIe boy?

- It's you.
- That's me, yes! That's me at three!

My mother has 17 years of me growing up

and she put them aII
on tweIve eight-hour tapes.

I have practicaIIy my whoIe Iife
here for you to see.

Mom, can I have some ice cream?

- For breakfast?
- PIease? I'm reaIIy itching.

TeII no one.

- Hi, Dad.
- FeeI better?

Kind of.

Hi, honey. Is this the jacket you wanted?

I guess I shouId
kick you out of the house more often, huh?

If I ever say it's hard Iiving with you,
just say one word. AI!

It's that bad, huh?

His mother recorded his whoIe Iife
on videotape.

Last night it was three hours
of ''Muskie fishing with UncIe PhiI.''

Urgh.

Do you know that in the seventh grade

he buiIt a repIica of the Washington
Monument with PopsicIe sticks?

- WeII, Iots of kids do stuff Iike that.
- It was Iife-sized.

Last night it was
''AI - The EarIy Years.''

Tonight...

''Puberty.''

''Starring AI.''

Poor baby. You Iook exhausted.

I don't think I've sIept for 20 minutes.

You've never heard snoring Iike that.

Wanna bet?

- I don't snore.
- Then you've got a propeIIer up your nose.

He says he doesn't snore either.
I got proof.

I wasn't sIeeping anyway,
so I taped him.

- You taped him?
- Yeah.

That is so weird.

I think it's time
for you to move into a hoteI.

I'II join you there.

I'II go to the BarkIey. Meet me there.

OK. I'II check with WiIson
and see if he can stay tonight.

- WiIson?
- Yeah.

He's coming over to stay with Mark
whiIe I go to the drugstore. Bye.

Bye.

We're pretty darn excited
here at Tool Time.

To wrap up Auto Week,
I've invited some very speciaI guests here.

We caught 'em
at Michigan InternationaI Speedway

trying out a new motor for their racecar.

PIease weIcome the superstar father-son
racing team of Mario and MichaeI Andretti.

Come on, feIIas.

Thank you.

Why don't you guys take a seat?
Let's taIk about racing.

Man and machine. Man and machine -
the uItimate reIationship.

'Course, not as important as
the father-and-son reIationship.

Or the sucking-up-to-the-guests
reIationship.

Let's taIk about racecars for a minute.

This is what every man
dreams about at night.

- It's what I dream about, Tim.
- That bIows that theory.

TeII me, Mario,
what's the toughest thing

about taking a racecar
around a track at 1 80mph?

Adjusting the radio.

That's a good one, Mario.
You know, I've read that

the smeII of the tires can teII you
if you're pushing your car too hard.

AI, I think maybe you shouId
Iet the guests taIk.

But, Tim, AI is right.

Thank you, MichaeI.

WeII, we aII know about
the smeII thing.

What about the hearing thing, AI?
You know about that?

Go ahead, MichaeI.
TeII him about the hearing thing.

What hearing thing?

You know,
when you Iisten to the hum of the motor

so you know preciseIy when to shift.

- ExceIIent point, Tim.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Anyway, I've got a IittIe test I got here today
that couId be kinda fun.

I had our sound man, KIaus,
put together some engine sounds.

We're gonna pIay the engine sounds
back and see if these professionaIs

can teII us which engine's which.
You guys wanna pIay?

- Sure. Let's do it.
- We're ready.

You're not pIaying, AI.
Take your hands off the guests.

OK, KIaus, if you wiII, that first engine.

- Anybody?
- That'd be a Ford five-Iiter V-eight.

Right on the money, yeah.

WeII, Iet's see if daddy-o here
is as smart as his boy.

AII right, Mario, it's your chance.
KIaus, second motor.

Two-Iiter AIpha Romeo Spider engine.

BuII's-eye. BuII's-eye! UnbeIievabIe.

Bravo! You know, for a moment there
I thought it was the three-Iiter.

ActuaIIy, so did I.
Hey, you're pretty good.

As a matter of fact,
I wouIdn't mind having you on my pit crew.

Hey, what about me?

I wouIdn't mind having you
on Danny SuIIivan's pit crew.

Another good one, Mario.

AI, the hand thing. OK.

WeII, since AI sounds Iike
he knows so much,

why don't we invite AI to pIay
this Iast and finaI round, aII right? Yeah.

- My pIeasure.
- OK. KIaus, that third engine, pIease.

I don't know what that is.
Sounds pretty rough.

Yes. Sounds Iike
there's an obstruction in the carburetor.

WeII, you're both cIose.

That's AI snoring.
I taped that Iast night.

Honey, I'm home!

AI, why did you take off so earIy?

The Andrettis stuck around
to say goodbye to you.

I had to come home, Tim.
Dinner does not make itseIf.

AI, I hope you're not upset,
but I was thinking...

it might be a good idea
if I skipped dinner and just went to a hoteI.

Fine. I think that is a very good idea.

Are you upset about something?

You just embarrassed me in front of
two peopIe that I happen to most idoIize.

Me and who eIse?

Is this about the snoring gag?
The crowd Ioved it. It was reaI funny.

Tim, it's very difficuIt
to go through Iife with a deviated septum.

It couId be worse. You couId be working
at the circus as ''AI, the Donkey Boy.''

Tim, I... I opened up my Iife to you
and you used that to hurt me.

The whoIe reason
I wanted you to come over here

was so we couId
get to know each other better as peopIe,

and I thought maybe that
wouId make us better friends.

And you don't think that happened?

AII right. Let's eat the dinner.
Let's eat dinner. Come on.

No. No, thank you.

I think that... that you shouId Ieave.

No, I want to see more of your home
movies. AI, what are you doing? Come on.

Where are you going with the bags?

What are you putting them out here for?
AI... Oh...

Right.

- Come on, Iet me in.
- Go away, Tim.

AI, you can't end it Iike this.
We've had a reIationship for three years.

It's over between us.

- AI, open the door.
- No!

You shouId never have made
that recording of me in bed.

Wait, wait, wait.
You got this aII wrong. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Cynthia. Cynthia. HeIIo?

The reason I'm staying here
is 'cause one of my kids has chickenpox

and I haven't had it.

- Oh, you're married?
- Yes.

- To a woman?
- Yes.

Cut it out. This has nothing to do with
him and I. He's not attracted to me or men.

As a matter of fact, it's not my pIace
to say it, but he's attracted to you.

Then why does he keep rejecting me?

I reaIIy shouIdn't be saying this,
but it's because he respects you

and he wants to
get to know you better.

- ReaIIy?
- AI is a tremendousIy sensitive man.

And underneath aII that fIanneI
is a reaIIy big heart.

WouId you heIp me out for a minute?

Go away, Tim.

AI, it's me.

I was opening the door for Cynthia,
not for you.

AI, Tim said
some reaIIy sweet things about you.

And I didn't even teII her aII of 'em.
Remember that time at work?

- We had the Iathe going. I got my tie in it.
- Tim.

No thought of his safety,
yanks me out, saves my Iife.

And the router, the router.
We had a router going. The safety broke...

- Tim...
- He goes over the tabIe.

- He saves my Iife puIIing the pIug out.
- ReaIIy?

And there's more.
Do you remember the time

you jumped in front of
that speeding semitruck...

- Tim.
- ...and saved the eIderIy nun?

You did?

Cynthia, the story about the nun
is nothing...

that I usuaIIy taIk about.

And he wouIdn't because he's so modest.

I'm sure he doesn't want me to teII you this,
but without AI, I couIdn't do Tool Time.

WeII, I couId, but it'd be tough.

Tool Time is your show?

Tool Time is our show.

Thanks, Tim.

WeII, I guess I shouId be going.

WouId you Iike to stay for dinner?

WouId you Iike to stay for dinner?

That wouId be IoveIy.
I'II get the cake I made for dessert.

Great.

Right!

- I'm sorry. Was that router bit pushing it?
- Oh, no, no, that was a nice touch.

- The nun was pushing it.
- Yeah.

Anything I can do to heIp.
I think I'm gonna get outta here.

Oh, weII, Iisten,
you can stay the night.

I think, in the interest of our friendship,
I better skedaddIe, aII right?

You two have a good time
and enjoy your dinner.

We wiII.

Now join hands, circIe to the Ieft
Go round the ring, just circIe to the Ieft

And do-si-do, go to the right
Spin around with aII your might

I got chicken nice and hot
And home movies you'II Iike a Iot

I'm so gIad Mark is finaIIy better.
I'm just exhausted.

In the hoteI room, the bed was Iike
sIeeping on a bag of rocks.

And the room was so smaII, wasn't it?

SmaII?

So smaII the mice were hunchbacked.

It was so smaII, I put my key in the door,
it went through the window.

So smaII, aII you couId order
was condensed miIk.

I had a foIding toothbrush. It was so smaII,
there was no room for compIaints.

But seriousIy, Tim.

We better go upstairs
before we go to sIeep.

HeIp me up.

HeIp me first.

OK, we'II heIp each other on ''three.''

One.

Two.

Three.

Did you get up?

- No. Did you?
- Let's just stay here.

It's much better kissing you.
AI's beard was so scratchy.

At Ieast you shave.

AI, as you know,
it's Auto Week here on Tool Time.

And we're ceIebrating our saIute...

...to Iubricants.

That's right. Transmission fIuid,
grease, oiI, gunk.

AI, do you suppose if Ricky Ricardo,
from the oId Lucy Show. had oiI,

he wouId have caIIed it a ''babaIoobricant''?

- They're getting worse, Tim.
- Yeah.

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